tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26000803230847487572024-03-06T12:02:31.291-08:00Because I Should have been a comedy writer..everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-53741272772071322572014-06-04T09:06:00.000-07:002014-06-04T09:06:19.292-07:00Who Should You Root for in the World Cup? Allow Me To Guide You<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Well it's that time in the sporting cycle again where the average
sports fan gets their one and only dose of soccer or as rest of the
World calls it football and as obnoxious preppy hipsters in Brooklyn
call it futbol. For rapid soccer fans the next few weeks will be like
spending a month long orgy at Charlie Sheen's house. For the casual fan
it may be a chance to watch something interesting on TV other than
reruns, bottom feeding reality shows or meaningless baseball games.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> <span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-0/10426716_10203992352311646_1579688704936303257_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So
here's how it works, 32 of the top teams from around the World are
placed into groups of four creating eight groups. The four teams in each
group play round-robin style with the top 2 teams from each group
advancing into the Sweet Sixteen and play single elimination until one
country wins the whole thing and collectively has a party for the ages.
Now here's the bad news for American soccer fans: The US soccer team is <em><strong>SCREWED</strong></em>.
They've been placed in the so-called 'Group of Death' with Germany,
Portugal, and Ghana all of whom are global powerhouses. Wait you say,
Ghana? Yes Ghana. The same Ghana that knocked out the US out of the past
two World Cups and was a missed penalty kick away from advancing to the
semi-finals last time. So it's safe to say the US chance of winning is
similar to Victoria Justice's aspiring singing career in that both can
be described as Not.Gonna.Happen</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So who to root for then?
Let's start with the Top 16 teams based on an index of soccer history,
FIFA rankings, mathematical algorithms....ohh who are we kidding it's
combination of places I'd want to visit, places that sound cool, or just
plain sentimental value</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Sweet Sixteen</strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Brazil</span></em>
- The name itself conjures up a party, and dancing and gorgeous beaches
and beautiful people. There's a reason Duran Duran named a song </span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">called
'Rio' and not 'Bakersfield'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> <span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-0/10446637_10203992353791683_7175305658456928781_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Mexico</span></em>
- Have you ever had authentic Mexican cuisine? Not the Amercianized
version but the true cuisine. It would be my last meal on Earth</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Spain</span></em> - Because it houses the best place on Earth to die, Asturias. Googling </span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">images from Asturias is like travel porn.</span> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-0/10390267_10203992386472500_318370977522631774_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Costa Rica</span></em> - One word. Beaches!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Australia</span></em> - Sort of like how I would imagine America would be like if Britain had defeated George Washington</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Greece</span></em> - When I need a happy place at work to daydream to, I usually default to the Greek isles. Bonus points for the Gyro</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Uruguay</span></em> - Hands down the coolest uniform in the tourney. You can never go wrong wearing sky blue.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-0/10306719_10203992389432574_3167996997025496079_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Plus their flag has a smiling Sun. It just seems like a happy place.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/t1.0-0/10426850_10203992390392598_2232968066947342745_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Maybe from being the first country in the World to completely legalize weed</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-0/10363226_10203992390992613_594020170732479503_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">England</span></em>
- Seeing as they supply the world with all the great actors they
advance on that alone. Plus what man isn't a sucker for a woman with a
British accent?<span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/t1.0-9/s180x540/14519_10203992397032764_6893213187055264990_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Italy</span></em> - Rome, Tuscany, Milan, Venice, pasta yada, yada, yada we get it. Moving on</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Bosnia-Herzegovina</span></em> - Given everything this country has been through how can you not root for it?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Argentina</span></em>
- Is there any other word in the Spanish language more cooler than
Gaucho? I don't think so. Plus the beef the gauchos produce is out of
this World. (Yeah that's right Texas you heard me. You can suck a bull's
testicle. You basically stole the cowboy image from Latin America)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Germany</span></em> - Ummm, beer</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/t1.0-0/10374893_10203992399272820_6691164813673732176_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Portugal</span> </em>- Scientific fact, everything sounds better in Portuguese</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Belgium</span> </em>- Ummm, beer! And chocolate! But not together. That makes for horrendous time in the bathroom</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">South Korea</span></em> - China may have the power, Japan may have the money and Hello Kitty. But South Korea brings the swagger.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-0/10366272_10203992400752857_335554402069633568_a.jpg?oh=fdf75283632607dd49536eb3f1442e3f&oe=53FFDDCF&__gda__=1409248671_f8ff6871cb66d9a476bb78ea07ca83db" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Cameroon</span> </em>-
Best nickname in the tourney 'The Indomitable Lions', plus the jerseys
are so cool you go to the nightclub after you're done playing the game</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-0/10301117_10203992401872885_8446685625860408260_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>Advancing to the Quarterfinals</strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Brazil </span></em>- Must have some ungodly gene pool because it's the leading producer of Victoria's Secret supermodels</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-0/10276978_10203992404432949_5300930615650993220_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-0/10300098_10203992405832984_2558407764691749638_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Spain</span> </em>- Sorry France but the title for best European cuisine goes to Spain. Tapas bars. Fucking Brilliant!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Australia</span></em> - Sort of like how I would imagine America would be like if we all lived in California</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Uruguay</span> </em>-
Seriously can we talk about the sky blue unis? Stylish, sharp,
sophisticated. I want to buy a major soccer club in Europe so I can
change the uniforms to sky blue</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-0/10310164_10203992407953037_7741368934158917032_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">England</span></em> - Admit it, who hasn't secretly wanted to sarcastically address their boss in a London, Cockney accent with 'Hello Guv'nor'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Germany</span></em> - Props for giving the World perhaps the greatest hot dog condiment, sauerkraut</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Argentina</span></em>
- Buenos Aires. Because when's the last time someone said "I want to
escape to somewhere sophisticated, trendy, worldly cosmopolitan, and
beautiful. I need to get away to Oklahoma City"? Exactly</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/t1.0-0/10352834_10203992412673155_5194801856788535535_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Cameroon</span> </em>- At some point I think we'd all want to see a nation from the African continent shock the World</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>Advancing to the Semi-Finals</strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Brazil </span></em>-
I always found it cool how the really good Brazilian players always go
by just their first name: Pele, Ronaldo, Zico, Romario. This year's
edition is Neymar. They probably never ever have to worry about getting
into the good restaurants. Neymar would just walk in and when the
maitre'd asks if he has a reservation, he could be like 'Reservation?
Bitch I'm Neymar'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> <span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-0/10360685_10203992415793233_581147598493528742_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Australia</span></em> - Sort of like how I would imagine Canada would be like if they had warm weather and were a lot more outgoing</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">England</span></em>
- Tough call as Germany almost squeaked in if not for their penchant
for poop videos and marching in lockstep to 1940's military music. But
seeing as England gave the World soccer..urr...football they get the
win. Plus the clincher was perhaps the greatest smacktalk of all time
when English fans reminded German fans 'Two World Wars and One World
Cup!' Burn! Seriously how do you create a snappy comeback for that one?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-0/10427273_10203992416753257_7229457022287779176_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em><span class="fbUnderline">Uruguay</span></em>
- No really. Those fucking sky blue uniforms! Seriously people how are
you not winning at life when you wear that sky blue uniform?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> <span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-0/10269405_10203992417633279_1400845068762833364_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Finals</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Brazil
and Australia proved to be dogged battle as both have fish, plants and
animals that can kill you. But the Aussies pull it out through a war of
attrition as anytime I watch National Geographic specials about the
Amazon my response is usually 'That's a big heaping pile of HELL NO!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-0/10450757_10203992484754957_7180677195824747960_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Sadly,
the sky blue unis could not advance Uruguay past England as Emma Watson
proves to be too much for the Uruguayan defense let alone any man to
handle</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/t1.0-0/10426658_10203992486154992_7153225788768453136_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So in the end it's Australia and England left standing</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Winner</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Given
England's history of excruciating defeats in the World Cup due to
missed penalty kicks did you think this year's tournament would end any
differently?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/t1.0-0/10447645_10203992418833309_4689799681469828668_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">England
in penalty kicks situations is like Charlie Brown trying to kick the
football with Lucy holding: It Just Never Ends Well.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/t1.0-0/10418190_10203992420393348_1698255009824790162_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Australia tops England because of the narrowest of margins: the weather</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So who will I be rooting for: Australia</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_center"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/t1.0-0/10414563_10203992421473375_5133874242783419518_a.jpg" title="" /></span></span>everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-88834087047693726292014-04-16T14:34:00.000-07:002014-04-16T14:34:31.905-07:00Ukraine, Bridgegate Explained, and Scientific reason idiots always talk the loudest<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In Geopolitics, just like in fashion, what was once old, eventually becomes new again</span></strong><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> -</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="219" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1.0-9/q73/s720x720/10171693_10203634794252918_3661429324263798988_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">This
Spring's hottest trend is of course retro and no leader does it better
than designer Vladimir Putin re-imagining Soviet sheek, by invading it's
neighbors for fun and profit. Putin decided the must have item for his
wardrobe was the Crimean Peninsula along the Black Sea, despite the
little technicality of it being within the borders of Ukraine. His
reasoning being since Ukraine didn't appear to doing anything useful
with it anyways, why not just take it since not like Western leaders
were not going to do anything to stop him. The Crimean crisis also
illustrates how much clout the US has lost in Foreign Affairs as the
strongest US response was a sternly worded letter from Barack Obama
warning Putin to back out of Crimea or else he'll have to face wrath of
Obama staring disapprovingly into a TV camera at a Rose Garden press
conference. Russia's response was basically 'Oh no we can't unilaterally
invade a country? Mean like you did Iraq?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="266" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/t1.0-9/q71/s720x720/1901405_10203634795612952_8992068526733911461_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Oh
poor, pitiful Ukraine. Obliterated in World War II, kicked in the teeth
by Stalin, and then left with the toxic legacy of Chernobyl after the
collapse of the USSR. And now it's at the point of starting to split
into two as the Russian speaking, Industrialized East decides it's had
enough of all the failing. If you thought America was sharply divided
with the Red State vs. Blue State battle, we got nothing on Ukraine.
It's like the sadsack classmate from high school who could never gets
his shit together. It got to watch the other Eastern European nations
rapidly improve socio-economically and start to enjoy a middle, upper
class existence similar to its Western European neighbors while it
fumbled through the 90's and 00's. If the Warsaw Pact countries had a
class reunion, Ukraine would be the Stewart from Big Bang Theory of the
group. So when people ask Ukraine asks how's it going, the response
'Well, my career prospects collapsed, I work cash register at Dunkin
Donuts, my wife left me and took everything so I live at home with my
Mom. But other than that I guess everything's fine. How about you?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong> In other important global news..</strong>.-
Scarlett Johansson revealed to Glamour magazine that she does not like
being called ScarJo because it's rude and immature. Reaction was
generally split along gender with 90% of women saying in a sarcastic
tone 'Uh, sure thing...ScarJo' and 95% of men 'responding 'ScarJo? I
thought you meant Scar Hello, Hellllo!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="365" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1.0-9/10277712_10203634797853008_2566495781484695932_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong> Bridgegate Explained for Non-New Jerseyites</strong>
- To the average person who is not a political junkie nor lives in New
Jersey, that little State wedged between New York City and Philadelphia
like underwear between two large butt-cheeks. There is probably
bafflement at all the hullaballo about the Gov.Chris Christie and the
bridgegate.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">For the uninitiated here's a recap, for about a
week in September 2013, two lanes on the George Washington Bridge
between Fort Lee, NJ and Manhattan were mysteriously closed causing four
hour traffic jams for people trying to get into the City for work.
Later it seeps out that it was political payback to the Mayor of Fort
Lee, NJ as payback for not endorsing Christie in his upcoming
Re-election for Governor.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="297" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/t1.0-9/10154449_10203634812093364_2131231748887662849_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">To
understand why this is a big deal, you have to understand New Jersey
which is the most densely populated state in the country. This is
demographic speak for you can't go anywhere without fucking people being
around you. It's about 13 miles from my house to the commuter train
station where I park and ride into Philly for work. According Google
Maps it should take 20 minutes. But most rush-hours it can take anywhere
from 35 to 60 minutes. Why? People. Fucking people everywhere. So when
someone decides to shut down the busiest bridge in the World, it's gonna
wreak havoc and there two things you do not do in New Jersey politics.
First, you never blasphemy Bruce Springsteen or Jon Bon Jovi. Second,
you do not screw with traffic.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But the wider implication is do
we really want elected officials using public infrastructure as a
hostage for either political payback or blackmail? Can you imagine the
fury if a President started threatening States to withhold highway
funding or disaster aid if they did not vote for him for re-election?
That's something only third world countries do and should not be
tolerated. Which might explain that flushing sound I keep hearing is
Chris Christie's presidential aspirations going down the toilet.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="276" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/10268444_10203634813413397_2841237762398103976_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>Sometimes fitness obsessed people can be real dicks</strong>
- SELF Magazine, the women's fitness magazine known for photoshopping
celebrities on its cover, and recycling the same content roughly every
six months managed to demonstrate why really super-obsessed,
self-absorbed fitness fanatics are a mainstay on any Top 10 list
involving annoying personality types. In the April 2014 issue, it's 'BS
meter' pulled an awesome feat of being both bitchy and shallow when it
chided the trend of people wearing tutus and being goofy during running
events for the crime of (gasp) having trying to have fun while
exercising. Because in the fitness obsessives' world, people who don't
take exercising seriously and not in peak physical condition are not
worthy to be in their presence at a gym, jogging path, bike lane, etc.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="400" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1.0-9/q71/s720x720/10262060_10203634820053563_5657389958183601020_n.jpg" title="" width="293" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="400" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1.0-9/1381314_10203634821333595_6473061846438456833_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But
the true jackpot of douche-baggery was the photo of the tutu wearing
runner they used was a Brain Cancer survivor from a marathon to benefit
other cancer patients. The only way that went worse if it was a picture
from the Special Olympics. There were of course the usual quick
succession of apologies and regrets, but for SELF editor Lucy Danziger
it was too late and by end of March she and her editorial staff got
shit-canned by Conde Nast. The number one reason people cite for not
exercising at a gym or in public is because of the fear of being of
judged. And who can blame anyone for fearing that, when it seems every
gym has that pack of lunks and muscleheads who parade around the place
like they own it clearly looking down at those a little out of shape or
wanting to lose weight. If we want the nation to be healthier we can
start by making fitness and exercise a judgement free endeavor.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>Always notice how idiots manage to talk the loudest?</strong>
- My hatred and loathing for Jenny McCarthy is well documented
stemming from the public health problem she created by starting the
anti-vaccine movement. Who despite being refuted being mountains of
growing evidence to the contrary still insists vaccines cause autism. Up
until she's offered a gig on the The View has suddenly has monetary
incentive become mainstream suddenly says 'Oh my kid was autistic after
all, my bad'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="265" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/t1.0-9/10154138_10203634833493899_2777502187803204970_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Well
there's a scientific reason that helps explain these people, it's
called the Dunning-Kruger syndrome and is defined in The Manual of
Psychological Disorders as such:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">'The
tendency of the least informed, most willfully ignorant or in some
cases just plain dishonest to insist they and they alone know and
bravely speak the truth.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Which
explains your crazy uncle, most conspiracy theorists, the show 'Ancient
Aliens', and that really talkative person on airplanes who tends to
overshare. As much as we would love to equate this as some recent
phenomenon caused by the internet allowing any blowhard with a keyboard
spout off to anyone within earshot. The origins go back to essentially
the beginning of mankind, meaning Jenny McCarthy et al, are basically
the descendants of people who insisted the Sun revolved around the Earth
despite evidence from Galileo and other breakthroughs from the
Enlightenment era.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">We all have a set of beliefs or thoughts
about the World, but for me a mark of intelligence is when presented
with new and compelling evidence, being willing and able to change an
opinion or belief. Or more precisely, being open to considering new
evidence or facts that challenge our beliefs. When humans shut down the
ability to consider new ideas, they experience something called
'epistemic closure' where belief systems are locked in and set for the
remainder of life causing them to gradually become detached from
reality. Which explains often dealing with old people, who wax on about
'Well back in my day...' and also explains ignorance, prejudice, or
insisting The Beach Boys were better than The Beatles. I honestly
believe the key to long life is having healthy mind and being open to
learning and exploring helps keep your mind young and vibrant.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>In case you're not sick of political advertising, the Supreme Court has decided you need more</strong>
- In yet another Supreme Court case where campaign finance law is
slowly being undone,in FEC vs. McCutcheon, a 5-4 majority ruled that
limits to the number of campaigns violated free speech, so now instead
of being limited to $123,200 in overall campaign contributions, they can
now pretty much give unlimited campaign contributions. At this point we
might as well make bribery legal since the reason this country placed
limits of money in elections is it's corrosive effect on democracy. This
means Billionaires and corporations can go ahead and spend unlimited
amounts of money and literally buy elections.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="276" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/t1.0-9/1002675_10203634835573951_658318104351824694_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But
if there is one silver lining it's that so far since campaign finance
limits began to be upended in 2009 thanks to this Supreme Court (FEC vs.
Citizen's United) money in elections may only have a small return on
investment. In 2012 two Billionaire brothers, Charles and David Koch
alone contributed over $400 million funneled through outside political
groups to try to defeat Obama and win back the US Senate for
Republicans. You may not know these outside political groups with names
Americans for Prosperity or Crossroads GPS but you'll know their work,
mainly in the form of obnoxious political commercials throughout the
election period. But for all that money spent, the political consultants
it bought may not be that smart.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Sure you can blanket the
airwaves with TV commercials touting your cause but it doesn't matter
when majority of American homes have a DVR and can skip right through
them. Plus political money can't buy the internet either. So what did
the Koch brothers get for their $400 million in 2012 seeing Obama got
re-elected? Two things named Jack and Squat. Makes you wonder if it's
all a con game by Washington operatives to sucker rich guys like the
Kochs into essentially pissing away millions of dollars.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>Ignorance foiled by Science. Again</strong>
- Creationists who believe the Earth and the universe are only 6,000
years old based on a literal interpretation of the Bible are having some
hurt fees-fees over Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson and his new show Cosmos
which explains the Universe using you know science and not taking their
theories seriously. As someone who believes in God and Evolution, I have
no problem reconciling science with faith. But for those still left in
the Flat Earth Society, Dr.Tyson was there put that 6,000 year old
smacktalk down.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="400" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/t1.0-9/p720x720/954757_10203634837453998_2138060815821998519_n.jpg?oh=1f3ac74e53721964f905d8331823e877&oe=53C241E2" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Above
is the Crab Nebula, a supernova remnant of an exploded star. Pretty
ain't it. If you wanted to see it in person, you'd need a lot of time,
like several millenniums worth, because it's over 6,500 light years
away. If I understand my Astrophysics correctly a light year is the
distance (expressed in time) that light or radiation emitted from an
object in Space takes to be visible here on Earth. To give you a little
comparison, light from the Sun takes eight light MINUTES to reach Earth.
When you're sunbathing this Summer, remember those rays took eight
minutes to traverse 92,935,700 miles to shine upon your pretty little
face. Now compare that to the Abell galaxy, the farthest known galaxy
from Earth at over 13.5 Billion years away.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> <span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="266" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/p480x480/10175968_10203634839374046_2247871067686546902_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And
keep this in mind when you're looking at the Crab Nebula from a
telescope, because it's 6,500 light years old, you're really looking at
the way it looked 6,500 years ago. What shape is it now, well you'll
have to wait 6,500 years to find out. So Creationists believe the
universe is only 6,000 years? Seeing as 6,500 > 6,000 Dr.Tyson says
'Nah, bro'. Besides if you're gonna hate on Dr. Tyson, do it because he
was on the panel of Astronomers who delisted Pluto as a planet. Pluto
not a planet? Bullshit. Yeah it's just a frozen rock orbiting our solar
system, but at least it has personality. Not like Neptune that's just of
blue ball of gas. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong> Since I'm feeling really wonky about Astronomy</strong>
- This past Fall Voyager 1, a space probe launched by NASA back in 1977
exited our solar system and entered Outer Space. Like outer, outer
space. So a shout out to that little buddy, and may you live long and
prosper. One of the chores of Voyager was to carry a golden disk
containing sounds and information about Earth in the event
Extra-terrestrials ever came across it. Sort of a 'Hello there, if your
ever in our corner of the galaxy, come on by and see us sometime' Not to
throw cold water on anyone hoping for alien contact but so far it's
taken 37 years just to get to end of our solar system and so far,
nothing, nada.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> <span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="312" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/q71/s720x720/10155179_10203634841254093_5775545708380333404_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The
nearest Earth like star that could contain life is Gilese 581, about 10
light years away. Since a light year is equal to 50 actual years, it's
more like 500 years away. So the idea that aliens are visiting us
probably isn't possible (I say 'probably' because there are no
certainties in life. Like it was probable Miley Cyrus would not have
career after Hannah Montana) unless they have really, really long
lifespans or have mastered the art of hyperdrive like in Star Wars.
Besides I think Stephen Hawking said it best</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">"We
only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might
develop into something we wouldn't want to meet. I imagine they might
exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home
planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to
conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach.If aliens ever
visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus
first landed in America, which didn't turn out very well for the Native
Americans."</span></blockquote>
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-56820870599039556422014-02-27T19:59:00.000-08:002014-02-27T19:59:06.047-08:00It's Your Completely Unnecessary Guide to the 2014 Oscars<div class="_5k3v _5k3w clearfix">
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">First
something of a disclaimer, back in college when I had something called
free time and could engage my cinephile hobby. I would have seen every
movie and performance on this list and could have given you complete
breakdown of each category. But alas adult responsibility came along now
I'm limited to occasional Netflix and anything playing on basic cable.
So in full disclosure I really haven't seen many of the nominees, BUT
that's OK. Because I suspect many of the actual Oscar voters have not
either and at least I have the integrity to admit it.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1/s720x720/1964927_10203317203073337_1155260228_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The
likelihood of winning is measured in 'Jack' units or how many Jack
Daniels drinks you would need to consume to get the swagger of Jack
Nicholson before appearing on stage ranging from 0 representing Just
Happy To be Here, to 4 meaning grab your sunglasses, smirk, and the
thank you list cause your headed to the podium baby! The 'Jack' units
will appear in the ( ) along side nominee and each category ranked most
to least likely.<strong> </strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS</strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Lupita Nyong'o <em>12 Years a Slave</em> (3.5)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Jennifer Lawrence <em>American Hustle</em> (3.5)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Julia Roberts <em>August: Osage County</em> (1)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Sally Hawkins <em>Blue Jasmine</em> (0)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">June Squibb,<em> Nebraska</em> (0)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="276" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/s720x720/1960032_10203317205553399_858118081_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">This
category is basically two person horserace between Nyong'o and
Lawrence. Not over who takes home the statue but who do you want to be
your imaginary BFF in a battle of who can out-cute one another and be
the aww..shucks she's just so adorable she's America's sweetheart. Key
moment will be when Lawrence admits she just let out a fart on the red
carpet and the entertainment media eats up because they just love her
candor. How will Nyong'o counter: Will she admit she just blew up the
bathroom after eating Taco Bell? When she is in the shower and has to
pee, she just let's it go?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Fun Bonus Fact #1: How big is
the Oscar night in LA? The phrase 'Do you know who I'am' gets uttered
most on this night in any given year than on any other day</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR</strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Jared Leto, <em>Dallas Buyers Club</em> (4)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Bradley Cooper, <em>American Hustle</em> (1.5)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Michael Fassbender <em>12 Years a Slave</em> (1)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Barkhad Abdi, <em>Captain Phillips</em> (1)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Jonah Hill, <em>The Wolf of Wall Street</em> (0)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="400" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1/s720x720/1656386_10203317207313443_1640288940_n.jpg" title="" width="247" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Pretty
much the clear winner here is Leto. Not for the suburb performance in
Dallas Buyer's Club, but for dating Lupita Nyong'o because when you're
dating Lupita Nyong'o you pretty much win at life. At this point even
Bradley Cooper will have to bow down saying 'Well played, sir, well
played indeed'. Rest are just there to follow George Clooney and learn
from the master.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Fun Bonus Fact #2: Long forgotten Sheen
son Emilio Estevez will actually be part of the ceremonies. He'll be
working the night shift cashier at the Shell gas station down the street
from the Auditorium</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>BEST ACTRESS</strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Cate Blanchett, <em>Blue Jasmine</em> (3.5)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Amy Adams, <em>American Hustle</em> (1)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Sandra Bullock, <em>Gravity</em> (0)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Judi Dench, <em>Philomena</em> (0)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Meryl Streep, <em>August: Osage County</em> (0)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="249" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1/s720x720/1979668_10203317220313768_952778441_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The
biggest surprise coming out of Blue Jasmine was 'Holy Shit!, that's
Andrew Dice Clay?' The second biggest surprise was 'Holy Shit! Louis CK
is a serious actor!?' So it was easy to overlook Blanchett's performance
but she deserves the statue for being able to make Woody Allen seem
only slightly less creepy. Of course should be no surprise since
Blanchett demonstrates more acting range reading from a phone book than
most young actresses who would sleep outside and not shower for weeks
when trying to play the same role of a rich socialite descending into
homelessness.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>BEST ACTOR</strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Matthew McConaughey, <em>Dallas Buyers Club</em> (3)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Chiwetel Ejiofor, <em>12 Years a Slave</em> (2.5)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Bruce Dern, <em>Nebraska</em> (2)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Leonardo DiCaprio, <em>The Wolf of Wall Street</em> (1)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Christian Bale, <em>American Hustle</em> (0)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And after a 20 year career and four Oscar nominations, Leonardo DiCaprio finally hits paydirt....HAHAHA...Just Kidding!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="400" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/1959574_10203317211553549_1094386207_n.jpg" title="" width="350" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">At
this point I think the Academy voters just like to fuck with him, sort
of the way Lucy dangles that football in front of Charlie Brown. Nah the
real competition centers on three common archetypes in a acting
category: First, the breakthrough of pretty boy/action/rom-com star to
SERIOUS actor this year filled by McConaughey who has come a long way
from playing naked bongo in his Texas mansion. Second is the blazing
newcomer, this year filled by Ejiofor, despite being a rookie laid down
some serious gravitas. Lastly, the sentimental favorite whom the Academy
wants to recognize before he dies this year filled by of Bruce Dern who
always seems cast as the old, cranky guy. Tough call as is anyone's
race but edge has to go to McConaughey whose brilliant performance in
the TV series <em>True Detective</em> has to be getting notice by Oscar voters. Assuming of course the Hollywood retirement homes have HBO.<strong> </strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>BEST DIRECTOR</strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Alfonso Cuarón, <em>Gravity</em> (3.5)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Steve McQueen, <em>12 Years a Slave</em> (2.5)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">David O. Russell, <em>American Hustle</em> (1)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Alexander Payne, <em>Nebraska</em> (0.5)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Martin Scorsese,<em> The Wolf of Wall Street</em> (0)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Normally
when people throw up in theaters it's either because of a food borne
illness at the concession stand or typical response to a Jennifer Lopez
movie. But Alfonso Cuaron's film about astronauts getting in lost in
space which was filmed in long, panoramic sequences was so life like
that people were getting motion sickness. Also notable for Cauron's film
is a rare George Clooney flick that does not involve him banging
somebody. Martin Scorsese is like the venerable old uncle you always
have to acknowledge at the dinner table at Thanksgiving. He could make a
airplane safety instructional video and he would get nominated.<strong> </strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>BEST PICTURE</strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>12 Years a Slave</em> (3)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>American Hustle</em> (2.5)<em> </em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Gravity</em> (1)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Dallas Buyers Club</em> (1)<em> </em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Captain Phillips</em> /<em> Nebraska</em> / <em>The Wolf of Wall Street</em> (1)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Her</em> / <em>Philomena </em>(0)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Statistical
guru Nate Slver who has accurately within 0.5% correctly predicted the
past two Presidential elections recently provided a statistical analysis
on Best Picture winners in Vanity Fair based on Internet Movie
Database. The Top 5 IMDB tags for a best picture winner were 1)
Blockbuster (54.7%) 2) Murder (44.2%), 3) Based on Novel (40.7%), 4)
Title Spoken by Character (40.7%), 5) Contains a Love and/or Friendship
Story (39.5%)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">If we use process of elimination we rule out<em> Her, Nebraska, Philomena, The Wolf of Wall Street</em> because they do not contain any of the five elements. Next up we rule out those only meeting one criteria, <em>Gravity</em> (Blockbuster) and <em>Dallas Buyers Club </em>(love/Friendship). Now that leaves with three movies left. <em>Captain Phillips</em> was a blockbuster and based on a novel giving meeting two of the categories, while <em>American Hustle</em>
filled in three categories (Blockbuster, Murder, and has a love story).
It also has Jennifer Lawrence in a nighty and Amy Adams looking hot
which normally....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="228" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/t1/1653680_10203317212113563_217598522_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="266" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1/s720x720/1924506_10203317213513598_1316781420_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">....My
God (wipes sweat from brow) would be enough for anyone to merit Best
Picture along with holy hell is it getting hot in here.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But<em> 12 Years a Slave</em> manages check off all five categories thus your highest probability to take home Best Picture</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Bonus
Fun Fact #3: IMDB was originally created in the late 80's by British
computer geek and called it 'Those Eyes' so he and fellow geeks could
track the hot actresses they liked. But it a was private database until
they were persuaded to release it on the web in 1993 when one of them
got married and grew tired of his wife asking 'Where have I seen that
actor before? C'mon you oughta know. He was that movie with that guy who
does that thing....oh it's on the tip of my tongue.</span><br />
</div>
</div>
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-73697750793278165692014-01-21T12:14:00.000-08:002014-01-21T12:19:16.686-08:00The Worst Christmas Songs, Statistics gets sexy, and Praise for Women with Curves<div>
<h2 class="_5clb">
</h2>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer shows us our grandparents were sort of dicks way back when</b>
- Surely if you have kids undoubtedly Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer
will be in your future viewing this Christmas. A heartwarming tale of
misfits and oddballs who find acceptance after rescuing Christmas. It
also shows grownups were kinda dicks back in the day.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1515010_10202820167767765_1149765961_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The
1964 stop gap animation is actually fairly subversive because it
critically critiqued several norms that were prevalent at the times:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-
Discrimination against appearance (Rudolph), gay people (Herbie), the
disabled (the misfit toys), the eccentrics (Yukon Cornelius), hairy
people (Abominable Snowman), and dentists (‘WHHAAATT! Herbie doesn’t
want to make toys!!!)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Mindless conformity (because you did not want to be one ‘THOSE’ elves)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-
Women belong in the kitchen (the insinuation being a doe should sit on
the sidelines during reindeer practice and bat her eyelashes to
impress the boys and generally just keep her mouth shut)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Maybe
it’s coincidence the film premiered right on the eve of the modern
Civil rights movement, the hippie movement, and feminism all of which
upended those societal norms a decade later, But it appears to at least
hit the nail on the head that excluding people from contributing to
society based on superficial differences is sort of stupid. Rudolph the
RedNosed Reindeer civil rights trailblazer, who knew?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>The 5 Worst Christmas Songs (My Definitive List)</b>
- A war on Christmas? Hardly. Considering most pop radio stations have
been 24 hour Christmas songs since Halloween, I’d say Christmas has
won. But after suffering through long car rides of what can be
horrendous music (for the kids, you know) here is the definitive list
of the all-time worst Christmas songs.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>1.Grandma Got run Over By a Reindeer</i>
- Assuming your grandma is sweet as pie and you love your grandma, who
would actually find this song endearing? So grandma drank too much
eggnog, forgot to take her medication, stumbled out of her house drunk
and got runover by reindeer. That’s nice. Sounds like a newswire that
would come out of Florida, except instead of a reindeer, it would be a
meth’d up tweeker who stole an 18 wheel semi-truck.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>2. Christmas Shoes</i>
- Imagine a song so sappy, saccharine, and loaded with artificial
flavoring of emotion that is causes you to succumb into a Diabetic
coma. My hand cannot move to the dial fast enough.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>3. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus</i> - Great message to send to kids. Mommy having an affair with some guy in a Santa Claus suit.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>4. Any Xmas song by the Jackson 5</i>
- Given the family history, do we want to imagine what Christmas was
like for the Jackson kids growing up? With Joe Sr. telling everyone to
be merry or jolly in front of the microphones or there were going to be
belt whippings afterward.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>5. Any Xmas song by Frank Sinatra</i>
- Don't get me wrong I’m actually a huge fan of the rat pack and if I
could go back in time I would see ol Blue Eyes holding court at the
legendary Sands hotel in Vegas. But most of his Christmas songs were
probably recorded at his Palm Springs home while some groupie was
giving him a blow job.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Miley Cyrus should probably put her tongue back her mouth</b> - Not to be a killjoy but here is a short list of diseases that can contracted by licking things courtesy of Jezebel</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1/1504104_10202820177968020_1681627130_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">1.African Sleeping Sickness</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">2.Cholera</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">3.Hepatitis</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">4.Flu (regular or Swine)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">5.Herpes</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">6.Measles</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">7.Yellow Fever</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">8.Dysentery</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">9.SARS</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">10.Bubonic plague</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>What happens when the worlds of porn and statistics collide?</b>
- You get the love child of this very awesome, insightful, albeit NSFW
social science research (if at work get your boss button ready no nudity
but some adult content)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Apparently in what might be the
greatest job a research analyst can have, pornhub (think YouTube for
adult videos) has hired a bunch of data geeks to crunch internet
traffic numbers and provide some great data below.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>Here are your key takeaways:</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-
Average time on the site was 10 minutes meaning people typically cut
straight to chase as they logged on, got off and then actually logged
off fairly quickly explaining the disappearance of storylines or
dialogue from most adult movies nowadays.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Heaviest
users were in the South belying its reputation as the Bible Belt. I
guess that belt gets used in other ways when not in church</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-
When breaking down the data by category, creampies (not the Little
Debbie variety) were the porn genre preferred in the largest amount of
states. Several states were into some kinky shit as Wyoming preferred
‘smoking’ videos, Kentucky loved ‘Hentai’, and Nevada preferring a
specific porn star named Anita Queen</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="Top category viewed by State" class="photo_img img" height="209" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1511346_10202820185968220_2019040943_n.jpg" title="Top category viewed by State" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<div class="caption">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Top category viewed by State</span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-
Porn use dropped significantly during the Holidays as Christmas caused
27% of Americans to zip up their pants. Globally porn use dropped 22%
with UK feeling most guilty decreasing 32%. Though Japan could not be
bothered with Christmas as their use increased 8%</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="146" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1/s720x720/1476666_10202820189448307_1857713060_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-
The introduction of the iPad increased porn site use by 9% in the US
and 10% worldwide attributed to allowing users to sneak off to the
bathroom during work and crank one out. One question remained was how
do you masturbate with an iPad when you have to hold it with one hand
while using the other to….. oh never mind. Perhaps Apple’s next
greatest invention will be the iWank</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="146" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1/s720x720/996081_10202820191568360_686902757_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>A Children's Treasury of Passive Aggressiveness</b>
- It never really takes much effort to be an asshole, but there is
something to be said for people strive to take it to the next level</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="179" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1/1520823_10202820212608886_526393075_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="257" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1483145_10202820533616911_1991927393_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="240" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1489258_10202820535576960_1368859061_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="233" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1461199_10202820539297053_1299608386_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="320" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1/1497712_10202820543137149_162513988_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="240" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1509838_10202820546257227_742367461_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="320" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1471364_10202820548217276_1039057691_n.jpg" title="" width="240" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>In Praise of Women with Curves</b>
- Dear women, Men everywhere would like you to know we really wish you
would stop obsessing over weight. We know thanks to some lunk named
Maria Kang who recently gained infamy posting herself on Facebook all
buff while basically fat shaming women everywhere with her 'What's Your
Excuse' bullshit you might be feeling bad about yourself. But the silent
majority of us who are not narcissistic would like you to know a few
things:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/625565_10202820287090748_1904351306_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1528480_10202820288090773_324574401_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>1. Men who have grown mature and think independently know beauty comes in all colors, shapes and sizes -</i>
Sure back when puberty set in we looked at our Cindy Crawford/Alyssa
Milano (or insert any pin up of the era) poster and thought we could
never date anyone who wasn't supermodel worthy. Then when wisdom
gradually replaced stupidity we learned about airbrushing and realized
most of those posters and images of the perfect women depicted in the
media were not real. So as we actually met and interacted with real
girls we realized true beauty isn't reflected in a perfect face or size 0
waistline. Those of us who did manage to date one of the 'pretty'
people soon realized personality ultimately matters because the 'pretty'
people also tend to be the most boring. Ever wonder why guys could
cheat on a supermodel? Because not even a pretty face on a skinny body
can save a dull conversation.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>2. During the
Renaissance era, women who were curvy and voluptuous were held as the
ideal beauty depicted in an art movement called Rubenesque -</i> Curves
were coveted because they were seen as soft and feminine while a few
extra pounds were seen as healthy and vital. So guys admiring curvy
women are really adhering to a centuries old beauty standard.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/994410_10202820303131149_998363235_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>3.Women with curves are awesome in bed - </i>
You read that right. We never understood guys who had a thing for the
Olsen twins because you might as well be making love to a broomstick
with a blond wig. Experienced men know you have not had awesome sex
until you’ve been with an voluptuous woman who knew how to how use her
curvy body to where they leave you speechless.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1/s720x720/1469845_10202820314531434_863113868_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>4.Guys have Weight Issues Too</i>
- Around oh say 30 the metabolism starts slowing and we see it in our
waistline and cheeks, thus thoughtful guys also realize it just happens
with age thus who are we to judge. So why should you worry about what
we think? There can be thing of being too overweight but when guys
exercise and diet it’s usually to get healthier, not to look good in a
speedo.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>5. Guys know diet and exercise is important, but so is having fun</i>
- So Mr.Buffguy Fitness Fanatic you work out 20 hours a week at the
gym, carefully count your calories, and even weigh your feces (yes
there are people who do this) to look like a modern day Adonis. Good
for you! Who cares!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">You can have that muscle milk, protein powder,
super energy drink crap you drink 10 times a day (which in all
honestly looks like gigantic glass of horse semen). The rest of us will
head out to a good restaurant and have a good time our friends. Or
spend time with our kids. Or have a life. See you at the gym Monday
morning.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>6. There is no trait more unattractive in a woman than one who is judgmental</i>
- Used to be my rule on a first date was how a woman treated waiters,
servers, etc other people often was deal breaker or maker for a next
date because that gave a big insight into their personality. Women who
criticize other women are vain, petty, and superficial making a huge
turn-off to normal guys. Men who date and marry shallow women are
usually vain, petty, and superficial themselves (see Heidi and Spencer)
and sadly procreate a subrace of human assholes.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>7. True gentlemen can’t stand people who fat shame and judge, especially from our own gender</i>
- Because men who achieve tangible success in life don’t need to put
down other people to make themselves feel better. Successful men don’t
go on the internet to insult or harass women about their weight or
looks. The strain of vile DNA that explains all internet trolls is they
are emotionally retarded adults whose maturity stunted somewhere in
grade school. Think about how pathetic it is that a grown man has to
insult people to make himself feel better because they have nothing in
life to be proud of.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> <span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1520632_10202820317051497_1528348530_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It’s
almost comical that many men who fat shame women are extremely
unattractive themselves. The irony is that in the same vain many vile
homophobes are actually self-hating, closeted homosexuals, many of the
male fat shamers are overweight or obese themselves. So calling women
fat somehow makes it in their own mind that they are not fat.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In
short to all women who may feel bad about their waistline: Just be
sexy, be fabulous, be confident, be you. Consequently good and honest
people will naturally gravitate to you!</span>everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-81030618993078746122014-01-21T12:10:00.000-08:002014-01-21T12:10:22.778-08:00The 2013 ROSSY AWARDS<div>
<h2 class="_5clb">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span></h2>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The
Rossy awards started in college by my fraternity where we awarded the
best of drunkenness, stupidity, and debauchery amongst each other for
that school year. Once maturity set in and we no longer made jackassess
out of ourselves, I started handing out awards on a more global scale.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>Best Law Enforcement Moment Not Captured on the TV show 'Cops'</strong>
- A 54 year old man in Orlando, FL called police to report a home
burglary and when officers arrived they asked if they could look around
the house to make sure everything was secure. The owner replied ‘sure’
and it was mundane police work until officers discovered a bedroom
with 110 marijuana plants worth a $44,000 street value.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1482747_10202903606053670_1192453651_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">My
advice regarding drug dealing is first off avoid getting into drug
dealing, but if you do grow marijuana in your house practice something
called WWWWD (What Would Walter White Do). So the answer to the question
‘May we search the premises?’ is not ‘Sure’. Actually I’m pretty sure
if your growing marijuana in your house I don’t think you call the cops
period. No actually I’m thinking if you are growing marijuana you’d
probably want a secret location, hidden away from people where you can
disavow any knowledge of it to the cops should they discover it,
claiming you’re not sure how marijuana plants got in your paprika field.
But maybe I’m just overthinking it.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Silvio Burlusconi Award for the best in politician hootenanny -</strong>
Carlos Rodriguez Andino, the Honduran ambassador to Colombia was
recalled after having prostitutes at an official Christmas party in
Bogota. Ambassador Andino seriously put the ‘Ho,Ho,Ho’ into the party as
it essentially devolved into a large orgy. But that’s was not even
highlight of the party.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1501760_10202903614773888_1411354457_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">After
things were said and done, Ambassador Andino apparently short on cash
decided to stiff the night’s entertainment, causing them to steal
computers and telephones in retaliation before leaving the embassy. But
the final straw for Honduran Foreign Minister may have been the
cleaning bill for removing human feces from a conference room resulting
from one of the party goers requesting a ‘Cleveland Steamer’.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>Best Moment of Ignoring a 'Do Not Touch' sign</strong>
- A 23 year old women cleaning out a commuter train in Stockholm,
Sweden decided to take a break and take the train for a little spin.
The joyride on the choo-choo train went well for about 1.6 kilometers
until a pesky 3-story apartment building sort of got in the way.
Thankfully no one was hurt though when asked by authorities the
response for why she touched it was Swedish interpretation of ‘Uh..I
dunno’</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1549313_10202903627254200_653712427_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>Best Moment in Drunken Hookup Failure - </strong>Police
in Manatee, FL were called to a domestic disturbance and found the 52
year female old homeowner beating up her 32 year old boyfriend because
he was bad at oral sex while they were doing a ‘69’. Officers advised
the young man moving forward to use his fingers, varying his tongue
rhythm and paying attention to the ‘little man in the boat’ would
produce the desired effect in any future 69 sessions.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1525542_10202903641174548_1901386774_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>Fly the Friendly Skies Award</strong>
- In European circles if there is one country that knows how to party
while on vacation, it’s the UK. Two middle aged British women kept that
tradition strong by consuming an entire bottle of Malibu rum on a
British Airways flight from London-Gatwick to Tunisia. While getting in
the celebratory mood, the ladies were warned for smoking in the
lavatory and calling several small children ‘little shits’.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1/1560545_10202903646934692_1762738946_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">At
some point when the flight was crossing over France, the two ladies
felt being the classy broads they are, surely the pilots would enjoy
their company and subsequently tried to force their way into the
cockpit. That sentiment went over about as well as someone eating Taco
Bell then having explosive diarrhea in first class and subsequently
forced the plane to land in Lyon, France. Both ladies were sent back to
the UK presumably to spend the rest of their vacation in a kiddie pool
in their backyard.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Porn Industry Customer Appreciation Award</strong>
- This year we have a tie as the Rossy committee was unable to pick a
winner from two very distinguished, well deserving gentlemen.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1/1493199_10202903655934917_857676771_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">First,
we award 53 year old Willie Merriweather who while interviewing for a
job with a temp agency in Aiken, SC was arrested for indecent exposure
when he decided to whip out little Willie and start
masturbating…..during the interview. When questioned by police Big
Willie claimed he forgot to zip his pants and that little Willie must
have fallen out by mistake.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Second, a 69 year old man in
Wildwood, FL was arrested for masturbating while ordering at the
McDonald’s drive thru and picking up his food while in the act. Police
would not elaborate as to whether the man’s was putting on his own brand
of mayonnaise.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Cheech and Chong Award </strong>-
Two brothers in Wichita, KS decided to celebrate winning a $75,000
lottery ticket by getting stoned out of their skull and in the process
blowing up their house. According to firefighters both brothers were
using a butane torch to light their bong, since an epic occasion like
winning the lottery requires more than using an ordinary BIC lighter.
When they went to refuel the butane tank in the kitchen neither of them
noticed a small gas leak emanating from the pilot light of the stove.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="212" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/t1/1496603_10202903668175223_19122846_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In
what might be the understatement of the year, a neighbor described
what happened next as saying the house just went ‘Ka-boom!’ Amazingly
both brothers were relatively unscathed and managed to keep the bong
intact. And they still have $75,000 to go towards a new house, and most
importantly a new butane torch.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated stupidity - </strong>A
50 year old man in Palm Beach, FL suffered major burns after
accidentally setting himself on fire instead of the six foot tall wooden
cross he was going to light ablaze as a Halloween prank. Most people
would stop after asking themselves ‘Is setting a cross on fire
reminiscent of the KKK and possibly being construed as offensive really a
good idea?’</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="244" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1514414_10202903675815414_856888668_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Having
answered in the affirmative the next question was ‘Should I exercise
some caution as I stand in close proximity to a large combustible
substance like wood which I’ve doused with an accelerant like gasoline
when introducing an open flame?’ Unfortunately the answer was a
negative and said gentleman earned an overnight trip to a burn unit.
The lesson kids is if something seems like a bad idea at first glance,
it probably is a bad idea.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence</strong>
- It was a banner year for the University of Iowa. First, it was named
by the US News and World Report as the top college party school in
America. Now it can claim a prestigious Rossy to cap off a banner year!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">A
mathematics graduate assistant at the University of Iowa had the best
moment of a horrifying ‘Oh Shit!’ moment when she accidentally posted
homemade porn made with her boyfriend instead of the week’s homework
assignment to a class intranet portal. Instead of practicing
Pythagorian theorem or complex calculus equations, students got a
tutorial on carnal knowledge. However, luckily for the grad student, she
was allowed to stay on at the university after administrators called
it a teachable moment. When asked for a comment, many of her Math 101
students at their dorms replied ‘Whaa..I’m sorry were you asking me
something…I’m a little distracted?’</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1544413_10202903682815589_199238363_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Happy Hour Lasted an Hour Too Long Award</strong>
- Major General Michael Carey of the US Air Force was relieved of his
command after a 48 hour bender in Moscow in what was supposed to be a
joint military exercise with the Russian army. A 42 page internal
Pentagon report highlighted some of the good times had by the General:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="320" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/s720x720/960258_10202903692055820_1124644989_n.jpg" title="" width="256" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-
The fun started during a layover at the Zurich airport that Friday
where the General spent a 2 hour delay getting plastered at a cocktail
lounge. Then returned to the gate and upon hearing further delays became
verbally abusive and tried to play the ‘Do you know who I’am card’</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-
When finally arriving at the banquet that night was so drunk he
slurred his speech and could barely stand upright. At said reception
the General was observed drinking at least half a dozen 8 ounce shots
of vodka and finishing off the glasses of as many as 12 other people.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-
The following Saturday morning when touring an historic old Russian
Orthodox church, greeted the priest with a fistbump. Also made or may
not have urinated outside on the church.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- In the afternoon when walking through Red Square was reportedly too drunk to walk on his own power and needed assistance.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-
That night at dinner at a local Mexican restaurant he was thrown out
after trying to bum rush the stage and sing with a mariachi band that
was the night’s entertainment. Afterward at the hotel lobby was seen
with 2 alleged prostitutes and subsequently disappeared with them until
it was time to leave that Monday morning.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The last part
might be a little problematic for the General as the two ladies in
question may or may not have been Russian intelligence agents. And the
General may or may not have revealed secrets related to his position,
namely in charge of the North American inter-continental ballistic
missiles or better known as nuclear warheads. The absolute topper was
at a investigative hearing afterward the General’s response literally
was ‘what’s the big fucking deal?’ While he may no longer oversee the
nation’s nuclear arsenal, the Rossy commitee salutes the Major General
Carey for making the most of Miller time!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Biggest, Most Massive Twitter #FAIL of the Year</strong>
- This easily is the most competitive Rossy category as each year
hundreds of millions of Twitter users, pollute the internet with an
endless stream of verbal brain droppings. How do you sort through a
reservoir of putrid, raw mental sewage to find that absolute gem of a
Tweet that confirms the human race is probably doomed? Well this year
Rossy committee looked for a combination of vapidity, stupidity, and
utter lack of self-awareness personified in one 140 character tweet.
Thankfully Paris Hilton did not disappoint</span><br />
<blockquote>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Just
watched #12YearsASlave. It made me so sad, angry & disgusted that
people could ever treat others in such a horrible way. :( #SoWrong</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">4:54 AM - 6 Nov 2013</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">We
assume her reaction would not be surprised had she ever say opened a
history book or actually paid attention in history class. One can only
imagine her reaction to watching Schindler’s List</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>BONUS Twitter Award Best Tweet We Wish Were Real</strong>
- The Rossy committee could not confirm the authenticity of this Kylie
Jenner tweet sent this past March. However if real it meant she not
only had the greatest Internet moment but basically won everything in
2013</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="400" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1/1525663_10202903735976918_1075496153_n.jpg" title="" width="356" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Internet Troll Award for best (we mean really worst) user comment</strong> - </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1512345_10202903743977118_925486801_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Scrolling
through the user comments of any online story is essentially like
crawling through the opening of the port-a-potty. Here is where the most
vile and wretched of the Internet lives. The Rossy committee would
like to introduce a new award to recognize those gems that stood out
from the rest, the white piece of toilet paper that managed to stand out
in a sea of blue colored deodorizing darkness.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">This
year’s winner is user ‘50ShadesofJimGrey’ on deadspin.com who on a post
about Connally High School of Austin, Texas which won a football game
91-15 posted this:</span><br />
<blockquote>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">More impressive is that Connally did it with a shattered wrist, as telestrated here.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/t1/1470070_10202903749737262_76811488_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span></blockquote>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">BOOM!
Anyone who can work in a tastefully offensive joke about the Kennedy
assassination with seemingly innocuous high school story has obviously
set the bar.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>Karma Is A Bitch Award</strong> - </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">According
to a post on reddit.com, a cheating husband was outed after the hotel
he was using for his affair decided to mail a survey about his
experience to his home. Presumably based on the feedback sent back to
the hotel posted below, the wife received said survey and probably
wondered ‘Wait a minute we never stayed at a hotel, unless….’</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1/1497558_10202903767457705_877601792_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">No
word on whether the survey indicated any feedback on the continental
breakfast, cleanliness of the sheets, or the fragrance of the freebie
shampoo. We’re guessing the husband was a little too busy to notice.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Charlie Sheen Award for epic achievement in partying</strong>
- If you think of Canada as a genteel place of peace and harmony
populated by the World’s most polite and pleasant people. Mayor Rob
Ford of Toronto would like to dispel some myths. Most parties rage for
several hours, maybe a day, maybe a weekend, maybe a week at the most.
For the good people of Toronto, North America’s fourth largest city,
there ain’t no party like a Rob Ford party because a Rob Ford party
don’t ever stop!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="214" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1/1011535_10202903774977893_1151173455_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Allow the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation to walk us through the epic year of Mayor Ford:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">February
23 - Asked to leave the Garrison Ball (Canadian version of Nat’l
Guard) after becoming too intoxicated to stand on his own</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">March
7 - At the Canadian Jewish Political Affairs committee allegedly
spotted snorting cocaine and groping Sarah Thompson, editor of
newspaper Female Post</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">April 20 - Mayor Ford’s cell phone
goes missing and found in the hands of a member of the Dixon Bloods, a
growing nuisance in Toronto for drug dealing and illegal weapons.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">May
16 - The answer to ‘Why did a drug dealer have Mayor Ford’s phone?’ is
answered when rumors of a cell phone video of Mayor Rob smoking
crack-cocaine with members of the Dixon bloods begin to surface. Most
politicians at this point would resign in disgrace, but not Mayor Rob
because he was just getting started.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="218" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/1520680_10202903778897991_993554262_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">June
17 - A drunken Mayor Rob again makes a spectacle of himself at the
Little Italy street fair, where he manages to have a good time chatting
up the ladies resulting in a 31 year old woman to throw her drink at
him.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">August 10 - A visibly intoxicated Mayor Rob shows up
at the Danforth Festival where slurs his words and eventually has to be
helped back to his home by police. When asked how got there he said
‘he drove himself, of course’</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">August 23 - Has an arm-wrestling match with Hulk Hogan and wins</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">October
30 - Ford’s driver and friend Alexander Lisi is charged with selling
marijuana, but also reveled that his boss Mayor Rob was also under
police surveillance and among the items noted in the report was Mayor
Rob was seen smoking weed, doing heroin, consorting with known gang
members, public intoxication and frequent public urination</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">November
5 - Toronto police confirm the existence of the cell phone video of
Mayor Rob smoking crack cocaine with gang members. Mayor Rob response
was the most ho-hum admission of large city mayor using crack cocaine
ever. We’re paraphrasing here but basically it was ‘Yeah I probably
tried in a drunken stupor, and it’s was alright but nothing to write
home about. I’m not addict or anything. Anyway moving on’</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="200" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1/s720x720/1546029_10202903783098096_1756610774_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">November
13 - Answering charges that he made sexual advances toward former
staff member replied with ‘The woman said I wanted to eat her p—y, I’ve
never said that in my life to her. I would never do that. I’m happily
married. I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.’ marking the first
time probably ever a major Canadian politician mentioned the act of
cunnilingus while referencing his wife in the same sentence.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">December
19 - On a Washington D.C. radio show Mayor Rob doled out this
Christmas advice for husbands everywhere “Just money. Women love money.
Give them a couple of thousand bucks and they’re happy. Get some
treats on the side obviously for her,” he said. “At the end of the day,
she wants her cash. So I give her a nice cheque and we’re all happy.”</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So concludes the epic party that was the honorable mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford. Or as Charlie Sheen would say…</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1512687_10202903788418229_619253597_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Coitus Interruptus Award</strong>
- A couple in Upper Darby, PA on a nice Spring day decided to end a
leisurely stroll in a local park by having some 'afternoon delight' on a
picnic table. Unfortunately that day was also scheduled in the park
was a joint training exercise with over 40 bicycle cops from the around
the Philadelphia region. The day's training session was focused on
protecting parks and open spaces, and it got a little interactive when
they rounded a corner and found the couple doing it. Needless to say
the couple was charged with indecent exposure and the cops spared from a
day of boredom.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/1477344_10202903794698386_730278181_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Do It Yourself Home Improvement Award</strong>
- A Fargo, ND man was arrested for reckless endangerment and illegal
use of a high powered fire breathing weapon after using a flame thrower
as an alternative to shoveling for snow removal. Most men only dream
about using some sort fire wielding incendiary device but our man made
dreams become reality. Also this gentleman wins perhaps the greatest
quote of 2013. When asked by the local Fox affiliate for why a flame
thrower replied 'fed up with battling the elements and did not possess
the willpower needed to remove four billion tons of white bullshit'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="151" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1/s720x720/1488106_10202903800978543_1557927557_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>Best Moment of Workplace Ooops!</strong>
- A court in Hesse, Germany ordered an unnamed bank to reinstate a
clerk who fell asleep while manually transferring funds with his finger
was on the 2 key. The result was he accidentally transferred
222,222,222.22 Euros (equivalent to $295,133,133 American dollars) into
the wrong account. Originally he was only supposed to only put 62.30
Euros. For a brief moment a German pensioner got the shock of a lifetime
thinking they were rich until bank supervisors discovered the error
leaving them to utter whatever the German word is for ‘DOWT!’</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="218" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1/1507941_10202903806258675_2032925062_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And finally we move on to our most prestigious award along with a very, super duper special lifetime achievement award!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The 2013 Rossy Awards Hall of Fame Inductee</strong>
- There's no boredom quite like that of a business trip. Especially the
boredom of being stuck in hotel for hours on end. This fall a man from
Sheffield, England who traveled to London for a used car deal found a
way to deal with the boredom. From the wire reports:</span><br />
<br />
<blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Joseph
Small, while staying at London’s Premier Inn Leicester Square, was
observed in the hallway naked, vigorously masturbating, with the hose
of an fire extinguisher was inserted into his anus. Upon being
restrained by staff and police, he called an officer a pedophile and
shouted racist remarks to a hotel employee — and urinated twice on the
floor. He was fined 1,200 pounds for the night of mayhem.</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> <span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="212" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1/1505630_10202903818898991_870653144_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Congrats to Mr.Small who now joins a distinguished ring of honor:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">2012 - Man dressed as Grinch tells children at Christmas festival in Canada there is no Santa Claus</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">2011 - Charlie Sheen for WINNING</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">2010 - Man who masturbated to a Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit issue in the magazine aisle at Wal-Mart in Florida.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">2009 - Man in Cairns, Australia who broke into sex shops and ‘utilized’ sex dolls then put them back in the box</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">2008 - Ernest Borgnine who told Fox and Friends on live television the secret to longevity was masturbating a lot.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">2007 - A man angry about in-flight service on American Airlines defecates on a beverage cart</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">2006 - A man in Croatia burns down house because he doesn’t want to have sex with his wife</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Rossy Awards Lifetime Achievement Award</strong>
- This year the Rossy Committee would like to honor the State of
Florida for providing the Rossys a nearly endless supply of award
fodder. A close friend of the Rossy committee named Damian sums up
perfectly our honorary recipient ‘People often ask me why I would leave
Florida for St.Louis. Well it’s because I wanted to be around normal
people’</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1528550_10202903836499431_899806354_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Over
the years the Rossy Committee has noticed that an inordinate amount of
awards seem to always originate from Florida. So far this year the
Sunshine state has managed to snag four coveted Rossys already. Chances
are if there news items involving something extremely stupid or weird
human nature it began with the tag line 'A Florida man...' or 'A
Florida woman...' or 'In (blank), Florida....' Because there was not
enough space all of achievements we outline some of the reasons 2013 was
so Floridaesque:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Eight Florida fathers were charged
with leaving their children in the car unattended while they went to a
strip club. (to clarify, on EIGHT SEPARATE occasions in Florida men
LEFT THEIR CHILDREN in the car to go to a strip club)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-
Numerous bank robberies by people dressed as either fictional
characters (Santa Claus, Darth Vader) or real historical figures
(Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- A man was accidentally shot in the leg by his dog</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-
A 19 year old thief was arrested and charged with 142 felonies (and
counting) after showing off $250,000 in stolen loot on his Instagram
account</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- A Florida man arrested for trying to trade an alligator for a 12 pack of beer</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- A Florida man impersonating a cop accidentally pulls over real cop</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- A Florida woman threatens to shoot Wal-Mart employee over a price of a skateboard</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Florida Wal-Mart employee arrested for shooting up another employee's car because he was jealous they won employee of month</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Florida Man Huffs Compressed Air While Driving Home from Wal-Mart, Crashes Into Three Parked Cars</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">(Travel Pro Tip: If in Florida, stay away from Wal-Marts)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">You get the picture. There may need to be a whole separate Rossy awards just for Florida or you can check out buzzfeed’s list</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-40-most-insane-things-that-happened-this-year-in-florida?bftw" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-40-most-insane-things-that-happened-this-year-in-florida?bftw</a></span>everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-80906525859157262602013-10-02T12:02:00.001-07:002013-12-08T07:59:25.306-08:00A Non-Nerd Guide to the NSA Surveillance Program (or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Data Mining)<div>
<h2 class="_5clb">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">This
summer the world was wracked when Edward Snowden dropped the bombshell
that the US Gov't had and was using the ability to intercept and
eavesdrop electronic communication that flows through American telecom
companies. It literally sounded like something out of George Orwell's
1984 as an all seeing, all-knowing Govt entity that could literally spy
on American lives left many people creeped out. But on the flip side was
also acknowledgement that terrorists love to use e-mail, internet chat,
and cell phones to plan attacks and that this program with proper
oversight could be a useful tool in preventing another 9-11 type attack.</span></span></span></h2>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="240" src="https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1374762_10202194800813982_1917791878_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So
with these conflicting views how should we feel about this program?
Well since the NSA Surveillance program happens coincide with one of my
specialties data analysis, so let me walk you through it so you can at
least feel confident to make up your own mind. If all else you'll at
least be armed with knowledge to enhance your party conversation skills
or argue with your curmudgeon uncle over Thanksgiving dinner.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Okay hotshot what makes you an expert?</b>
Technically I'm not a statistician (no Ph.D) but I play one on TV and
for my employer (Hint its a health insurance company with a big blue
cross and a big blue shield). But before you can use statistics you have
to understand data which is the key to understanding what the NSA is
doing.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>So what the hell is the NSA doing?</b>
During the Iraq War in 2005 when the US military was being inundated
with insurgent attacks, NSA director Keith B.Alexander started the Real
Time Regional Gateway electronic surveillance program which collected
and analyzed electronic communication of Iraq insurgents to eavesdrop on
their activities. To do this they collected and stored ALL electronic
communication from our telecoms and social network providers since much
of Iraq's communication at the time had to flow through American and
European owned channels. Nothing excites intelligence agencies than
listening in on people, the program eventually grew into something
called PRISM, a clandestine mass electronic surveillance data mining
program known to have been operated by the NSA since 2007.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="240" src="https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1385167_10202194807894159_1871409347_n.jpg" title="" width="320" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Now
the program has two parts, the ability to actually eavesdrop and listen
to phone conversations or social media chats which the NSA can do to
American citizens with known foreign contacts already under suspicion
for up to a week without a warrant. After which they would need a
warrant from something called a FISA Court (Foreign Intelligence
Surveillance Act). So technically the Gov't needs permission but what's
up for debate is how faithful and adherent these FISA courts, and
intelligence agencies are to the actual letter of the law. However since
nearly a billion new electronic records are created every day there is
no way for any individual agency to sift each and every new record. So
they need the help of technology.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So the second part is
using PRISM which performs data mining to cull through collectively
several trillion records and use a statistical technique called
predictive modeling to find a literal needle in the haystack of a
potential terrorist. This part is actually the key to understanding how
the NSA targets or selects people for electronic surveillance and what
I'm going to help explain. In all likelihood the average American is not
being eavesdropped on because let's face it, most of us live boring
lives. So that occasional porn, facebook stalking, or online googling of
Selena Gomez that makes men feel sorta dirty afterward is in all
likelihood not going to have the NSA checking in on us. But we should at
least be diligent and demand from our Gov't that its use isn't falling
outside legal boundaries.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Did you say Trillions of records..with a T?</b>
Yes. We are now in the era of what's called 'Big Data'. Every time you
use your cell phone, browse the internet, or send e-mail, you leave a
data point. Over time a heavy internet or phone user will create
thousands and thousands data points. All of which your friendly,
reputable telecomm provider, social media site, etc accumulates and
thanks to the Protect America Act of 2007 can provide to the NSA without
a warrant. Well technically they need a warrant through a top secret
court called FISA and thankfully the Bush administration's faithful
adherence to the Constitution...well who are we kidding let's just
assume they can touch everything.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Where did they get this idea?</b>
Predictive modeling has been around for at least 20 years and used for
analyzing all sorts of human behavior and in my line of work its used
as an epidemiological tool to find segments of our insurance members who
are at risk to get ill and run up huge medical bills. The goal for the
model is for the company to intervene high risk members and try to get
them healthier before they end up in the hospital. It's most frequently
used by corporations in marketing to predict which people would be most
likely to respond to a advertising or sales campaign. Whenever you use a
credit card, use a shopper's reward card, like something on facebook,
or tweet about it, you give marketers valuable information to try to
analyze your behavior and preferences to predict your consumer
decisions. For example Target found women who bought 13 household items
in combination accurately predicted them likely to be 1 to 3 months
pregnant thus best</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> candidates to send baby catalogs and steer them away from Babies R Us or other maternity stores.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So
borrowing this idea the NSA created PRISM to mine through the
electronic records and find people who may be fitting the profile of a
threat and pass them along to electronic surveillance for a little
closer look. Certain red flags like the Arab gentleman discussing
purchasing the one way airline ticket, or Neo Nazi who looks to be
increasingly going off the rails, or an MTV reality star announcing on
Twitter they're releasing a music album will probably land on the NSA
eavesdroppers inbox.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>So how does it work?</b>
Any predictive model is built on data with the key assumption that the
past will help predict the future. You develop a model by performing
data mining to find two things: the significant predictor variables of
an event which are X, and the probability of an event occurring which is
Y. You build your model based on past events from X with the assumption
they can predict Y in the future.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>So how do we know it works?</b>
The performance any predictive model can be measured and evaluated. To
be considered a legit or working predictive model at a bare minimum has
to meet several criteria listed below. With that in mind here are FIVE
things the NSA must demonstrate to justify their use of snooping of our
internet data. Ideally if our Congresspeople actually were smart and
diligent in their role of oversight (Michele Bachman is retiring so
there is hope) they would demand NSA prove they meet the following
criteria before allowing this program to proceed:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline"><i>1.Accuracy Rate</i></span>
= Simply put its the number of people correctly predicted Y divided by
the total number we originally predicted Y. Marketers sometimes only
need an accuracy rate of 5% to be successful. Most direct mail marketing
only needs be accurate 2% of the time. Telemarketing only 5 to 10%. Say
Toyota buys 30 seconds of TV advertising chunks on History Channel to
reach the 18-34 male demo who would most likely buy a pickup truck. Do
you need all 3 million people watching Pawn Stars to buy a truck? Nope
just a small fraction. If Toyota gains 20,000 new truck owners to get a
positive return on investment then advertising to 3 million than
accuracy rate of .006% is worth it.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="178" src="https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/537258_10202194815414347_1064122381_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But
when talking about predicting criminal behavior and placing someone
under suspicion that accuracy rate should be much higher. For the NSA
what is your accuracy rate?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline"><i>2. Validity</i></span>
= This answers how well does my predictive model actually measure the
behavior I'm trying to predict. Or in other words how well does my model
catch terrorist activity. One way to measure is rule out spurious
correlation. For instance did you know an increase in ice cream sales
strongly correlates to increase in shark attacks. So should we interpret
this as the need to limit sales of ice cream? Nope because what they
both have in common is they occur in summertime. And unless you factored
that into your model it would be worthless. So how does the NSA know
PRISM is valid?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline"><i>3. Reliability</i></span>
= This answers does my model provide the same results and accuracy when
measured over different periods of time and with different data? We do
this to rule out something called overfitting. This is when the model
become biased on a small set of predictors so a set X variables are good
for one dataset but can't be replicated to any others. This often
happens when trying to measure something very rare, such as someone
being a terrorist or a drug dealer.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="135" src="https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1385926_10202194819854458_1802704858_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So
for instance if you wanted to predict the Boston Marathon bombings
happening again, significant predictors would include being a young
Chechen male who buys a backpack, and a pressure cooker right before a
marathon. But those characteristics were unique to the Boston bombings
and not much use because in the real world terrorists can come from
anywhere with variety of ideas for attacks. Invariably results of the
model would be flawed because you would snag a lot of Chechen males who
bought backpacks and pressure cookers...because they were probably going
camping.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline"><i>4. False Positives</i></span>
= How do you handle people who are false positives in other words
predicted to be positive for Y but they really weren't.Every day you are
a false positive and don't even realize it. Every time you throw away a
piece of junk mail or hang up on a telemarketer, or skip an internet ad
you become a false positive. Some predictive algorithm by some
Marketing firm predicted you the right person to advertise whatever to
you and you declined or ignored it. In normal cases there are no
negative consequences to the average individual because the cost is
borne by the company doing the advertising. So when Target sends you a
baby catalog but you are not pregnant nor planning on it you simply
throw it in the trash. The only loss incurred is to Target for however
much postage it spent to send the catalogs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="187" src="https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1378751_10202194821214492_486732200_n.jpg" title="" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But
what if someone is predicted to be a terrorist but they're really not?
What happens to them and what protections are they afforded? Does guilty
until proven innocent still apply? A long time ago the FBI kept a
secret list of people who checked out flagged books at the library.
Things like how to construct a bomb or Adolf Hitler's Mein Kompf would
get you on the list. Legend has it back in the 1980's a man named Tom
Clancy was visited by FBI agents after data showed he checked a large
number of books revolving around nuclear submarine technology and Naval
submarine warfare.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The result of the investigation showed
Clancy was not a saboteur for the Soviets but instead was a writer
collecting information for a submarine thriller story he was writing.
That story that would be titled 'The Hunt for Red October' and make
Clancy a bestselling author. The main problem is people search the
internet for a variety of things, sometimes malicious but a lot of times
for knowledge or information. How can the NSA tell whether a college
student named Muhammed is researching biological warfare because he's
terrorist or because he's write a research paper for class? How can the
NSA tell that whether a post on facebook 'I just wanna blow up the
World' is a signal launch an attack or just a bad day at work?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline"><i>5. Peer Review</i></span>
= Having another set of eyes on your model and getting feedback for
improvement. If someone were to ask my opinion (that would be an ego
boost) I would note a very small, miniature, teensy, but possibly very
humongous, large flaw in the NSA's PRISM technology. Predictive modeling
assumes the human behavior being studied is normal behavior that will
be often repeated again in the future. Which is why it works for
everything from marketing, to customer service, to online dating, etc.
But the problem is terrorism or any criminality for that matter isn't
normal human behavior.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Instead it can be thought of more
in terms of a virus or bacteria that constantly mutates and changes in
response to the body's immune system or antibiotics. Similarly
terrorists will change and adapt their tactics to evade notice meaning
yesterdays terrorist attack most likely won't be repeated tomorrow
because law enforcement is now looking for it. Thus predictive modeling
as the NSA uses it now may not be effective. So instead the NSA may well
be better suited to borrow models from Biostatistics which predict how
and possibly when mutations in viruses and bacteria will occur. This
would better answer what would be a terrorists next step assuming they
won't repeat the past.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Now for a few more questions</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Is This Legal?</b>
Funny you should ask because a lot people are asking that as well. And
the answer will most likely come from the Supreme Court in a few years
as to whether it violates the US Constitution Fourth Amendment which
prohibits any unreasonable search or seizure without probable cause and a
warrant. Meanwhile some in Congress are not waiting for the issue to
make it's way through the courts as Sen.Rand Paul (R-Kentucky; the
slightly less paranoid, bat shit crazy version of his father Ron) has
proposed a bill to limit the NSA's surveillance program.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Edward Snowden had a hot, stripper girlfriend. Does that mean I should be a data analyst to land a stripper?</b>
Snowden is what statisticians call an anomaly or outlier, an
observation way outside mean distribution such that it skews the
results. Because if you were ask a 100 male data analysts if they're
girlfriend was a stripper, probably 100 would reply 'Girls? You mean
real ones? Like actually talk to them?' Past research shows strippers
are attracted large, shiny objects and large amounts of money.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/s720x720/1385564_10202194822494524_127606906_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Edward Snowden was going to get asylum in Ecuador. How would you rate his choice?</b>
Ecuador has it all for the Int'l fugitive on the run. Jungles,
mountains, beaches, Inca ruins, the Galapagos islands. I give him props
for good taste in travel.</span>everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-27760861535900402622013-09-25T08:11:00.002-07:002013-12-08T08:01:33.321-08:00Miley Cyrus, An Epic Obiturary and Cats Secretly Want To Kill Us<div class="_5k3v _5k3w clearfix">
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Apparently there's something called Twerking</b>
- At this year's MTV Music Awards the definite lowlight (because
usually there are no redeeming highlights with the VMAs) was Miley Cyrus
dry humping Robin Thicke and giving fellatio to a foam finger.
Naturally this gave way to episodic fit of pearl clutching and gasping
in shock as Americans asked <strike>how in the hell did uber boring mench Alan
Thicke birth such a cool kid</strike>..urr..has America gone into the toilet?
Whatever happened to our morals? Will someone please think of the
children?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/526939_10202145878310950_1066261342_n.jpg" title="" /></span><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/603898_10202145879350976_904849225_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The
answer is America's moral fabric was not shattered because a Disney
child star appears to be have become Linda Lovelace. Instead its Occam's
Razor that states the simplest answer is usually right one which in
this case would be a publicity stunt that didn't work (or did it?)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">With
the collapse of the commercial radio and MTV no longer programming
music, pop stars now need to do more and more outrageous stunts to get
their music noticed. The MTV Video Awards have now become a showcase of
how pop stars out douchebag themselves to grab attention. But the
aforementioned awards should be renamed the YouTube awards, because
that's the only place you can find music videos nowadays. If artists
were smart they'd abandon MTV in favor of outlets who still program
music and show videos like Fuse.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But to digress Miley's
advisor is the same dude who ten years earlier convinced Britney Spears
to dance onstage with a yellow python. Was it depraved? Yep. Was it
shocking? Yep. Did it work in marketing albums? Yep. FYI guess what
single is #1 this week? 'Wreckingball' by Miley Cyrus. All of the media
concern trolls can consider themselves owned.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Michael Douglas says he got oral cancer</b>...
- ..from going downtown on the ladies. Scientists confirmed because HPV
which lives in a woman's va jay jay can be transferred to a man's mouth
by umm ...well you know. When asked for comment 150 million American
men went 'Wait..wha,wha,wha...what!?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>We now can confirm what the sound of silence actually sounds like</b>
- Brandy Norwood pop star, TV star, and vehicular homicidist was set to
stage a massive concert at a 65,000 seat stadium in Cape Town, South
Africa. But there was no need for ticket scalpers or camping out the
night before tickets went on sale as 40 people...yep 40 (four...zero)
showed up. Brandy's PR rep said it was sell out and that many of the
fans showed up dressed as yellow seats.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/558057_10202145895031368_489522242_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Hey ladies, George Zimmerman is single!</b>
- Just for the record if I was on the jury for the Trayvon Martin trial
I would have voted Not Guilty for murder BUT Guilty for manslaughter
and financially liable to the Martin family. Because while I believe
Zimmerman did not intend to kill Martin, he is a knuckle-dragging moron
who should be held responsible for his death because didn't listen to
directions. And you wonder why Mrs.Zimmerman wants a divorce giving up
all that 200 urr 300 urr 350? pounds of man meat.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/s720x720/531952_10202145880270999_1473356807_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Charlton
Heston only has it partially right about guns themselves don't kill
people. Instead idiots with guns often manage to get themselves or other
people killed through their careless action. My take on what happened
is Zimmerman sees a black kid, assumes he is threat and calls 911. Had
he listened to the operator and let police engage Martin none of this
tragedy would have happened. Instead Zimmerman engages Martin, starts a
fight which he gets the worst of, and in the course of getting his ass
whooped shoots Martin. My biggest fear of stand your ground laws is it
enables those who think carrying a gun makes them invincible and a
license to start looking for trouble. Which doesn't take long because
trouble tends to be right around the corner from these people.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>White People, LOL</b>
- The winner of 2013 Miss America pageant was not the usual Southern
debutante with a large set of horse teeth encased in a plastic smile but
Nina Davulari an Indian American college student from New York.
Statistically speaking whites comprise 66% of the American population
and slowly decreasing, so probability dictates there's a 1 in 3 chance
of having multi-ethnic beauty queen represent the US. Racists however
did not take the news well.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/s720x720/1238315_10202145884871114_912253151_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Remember
when social media was supposed to create this marketplace of
interesting ideas and free thought that would uplift American society to
fulfill its lofty goals? Well as Twitter demonstrated that's not
happening anytime soon. But what Twitter also shows is that racists sure
are dumb.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> How the fuck does a foreigner win miss America? She is a Arab! #idiots</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> — Jake Amick (@jakeamick5) September 16, 2013</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> And the Arab wins Miss America. Classic.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> — POOKIE. (@Granvil_Colt) September 16, 2013</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> Miss America? You mean Miss 7-11.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> — CHEEZ-IT (@JPLman95) September 16, 2013</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> Sand nigger is up #missamerica</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> — Chris Black (@ChrisBlack57) September 16, 2013</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">If
you are going to spew vile and vitriol all over the internet at least
get your racism straight. Indian is not the same as Arab and Hindu is
not the same as Muslim. It would be like calling me a white honkey
obscuring the fact I could be a drunken Irishman, angry Scotsman, an
English toffee, German sourkraut, or Welsh sheepf**er.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Cats are secretly plotting humanity's demise</b> -</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1239777_10202145905631633_939195539_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">To
the untrained eye, cats can sometimes seem like nature's biggest
dickheads. I mean they're never excited to see when you get home. You
have to come to them not vice versa, and the only want you unless they
want something. Well according to British Zoologist John Bradshaw its
because cats have only been domesticated for a few thousand years and
have not become exclusively vegetarian so they are constantly looking
for meat which explains their unexpressive faces and aloofness. Or as
the blog Jezebel put more bluntly 'dogs actually get people, whereas
cats, for all their purring and biscuit-making, don’t give a fuck about
people. They’re cold, calculating predators with visions of offal and
bloody meat bits dancing through their heads. Also, since cats can’t
taste sweets, they’re pretty much certified evil, a gift of domestic
pest control from the bowels of Hell'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Tired of fighting wars over oil? Good news soon humanity will be fighting over something else</b>
- Recently the Georgia legislature passed a law asking Congress to move
its boundary with Tennessee 1.1 miles to the North giving citing an
Colonial era surveying mistake. Obviously Tennessee's governor did not
take to kindly to the move seeing this would give Georgia access to the
Tennessee River and parts of Chattanooga and threatened to mobilize
Nat'l Guard troops to defend it's border. The proposed boundary changes
most certainly will never happen, so both states will have to settle
their differences as they have the past 100 years in the South through
college football.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/541835_10202145887791187_640097658_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But
it does highlight around the World that the next flashpoints in the
coming century will not be over oil but over water. The reason for
Georgia's move was they have so badly mismanaged their natural resources
that the exploding population of Atlanta and its surrounding suburbs is
rapidly exceeding its available water supply. So by getting a foothold
on the Tennessee river they would hope divert some of that liquid gold.
Which would not bold well for down river communities like Birmingham and
Nashville.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">To see where a flashpoint could actually
explode look halfway across the World to the Aral Sea in the former
Soviet Union. At one time the Aral Sea was one of the four largest fresh
water lakes in the World (five times the size of Lake Superior). But
decades of environmental mismanagement have left just 10% of its
original size. Now add 50 million people spread among five former Soviet
republics that are so politically unstable it makes a Guns N Roses
reunion seem like an Osmond family dinner.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="356" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/s720x720/1209225_10202145889431228_1608066320_n.jpg" title="" width="640" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Already
two of them Uzbekistan and Krygystan are already quibbling with each
other over using the former's use of the Aral Sea for cotton farming.
What happens when others Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, and Kalafragalistictan
can't agree on the best way to share the last remaining water for their
drinking and economic needs?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>The Reason why parents should treat their kids well</b> - Following was a real obituary in Reno, NV of Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick born 1/4/35 from her surviving children:</span><br />
<br />
<blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Marianne
Theresa Johnson-Reddick born Jan 4, 1935 and died alone on Aug. 30,
2013. She is survived by her 6 of 8 children whom she spent her lifetime
torturing in every way possible. While she neglected and abused her
small children, she refused to allow anyone else to care or show
compassion towards them. When they became adults she stalked and
tortured anyone they dared to love. Everyone she met, adult or child was
tortured by her cruelty and exposure to violence, criminal activity,
vulgarity, and hatred of the gentle or kind human spirit.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">On
behalf of her children whom she so abrasively exposed to her evil and
violent life, we celebrate her passing from this earth and hope she
lives in the after-life reliving each gesture of violence, cruelty, and
shame that she delivered on her children. Her surviving children will
now live the rest of their lives with the peace of knowing their
nightmare finally has some form of closure.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Most of us
have found peace in helping those who have been exposed to child abuse
and hope this message of her final passing can revive our message that
abusing children is unforgivable, shameless, and should not be tolerated
in a "humane society". Our greatest wish now, is to stimulate a
national movement that mandates a purposeful and dedicated war against
child abuse in the United States of America.</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>China is becoming one big sausagefest</b>
- In demography, there is something called the birth sex ratio which is
the ratio boys born to girls in a population. A normal sex ratio is
roughly 105 boys for every 100 girls born. (Demographers and
anthropologists believe boys are weaker at birth and have slightly
higher risk of infant mortality so nature compensates) which ensures a
society of having equal gender representation for each generation.
Though when your single it never seems that way. But what happens when
you mess with the natural order of things? Let's check in on the Chinese
to find out.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1234320_10202145893511330_2116064725_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Since
China instituted the one child policy and preference was given to
having boys instead of girls its birth ratio is now 120 boys to 100
girls on average and even more out of whack in rural areas. That
translates to China 'missing' 40 to 60 million women which means that
same number of men aged 15 to 34 are going to have to get used to
finding intimacy from their right hand. How bad is it for strapping
young lads in China?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1378173_10202145896271399_1064626085_n.jpg" title="" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Remember
those keg parties back in college when it was just a bunch of dudes
mopishly hanging around a ping pong table with only 1 or 2 chicks and
they're already taken. That sad scene probably describes the Chinese
nightlife scene nowadays. Now some men are literally having to advertise
themselves on billboards to potential suitors. This of course has
Chinese authorities scared shitless because combined with any increase
of unemployment means large group of single men with lots of time on
their hands = trouble. This is the stuff revolutions are made of. As
Confucius once noted 'When you fuck with the natural way of things, it
has a way of fucking with you right back'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>George Orwell was only about 29 years off</b>
- This summer via whistleblower Edward Snowden the world found out the
Nat'l Security Agency (NSA) has the ability to monitor phone calls,
e-mails, IM chats, etc. by tapping into the data streams of major
telecomm companies which transmit such information.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Initially
shock came to most Americans after realizing 'My God you mean the Gov't
knows my porn habits, too!?' But seeing as terrorists seem to love
gmail and gchat it also seemed like a good way to foil terrorists before
they can act. So this leaves most Americans conflicted about whether
this is a good idea. Thankfully there is a way for NSA to show at least
Congress whether this program really catches terrorists or just an
excuse for bored analysts to listen in on some really kinky phone
conversations.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And I'll explain......in my next blog post next week....yep I'm a tease.</span></div>
</div>
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-82084291889156670762013-07-01T17:27:00.000-07:002013-07-01T17:27:38.895-07:00Your Fieldguide to the Modern American Office<span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Remember back in grade school and getting those Ranger Rick
magazines which taught kids all about wild animals and nature? Well here
is a useful adult guide in the same vein to the modern corporate
office.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Bunny Rabbit Category: Harmless Creatures sometimes cute who can also be a pest at inopportune times </strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/994225_10201541442160424_1467114610_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The Compulsive Printer</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
Despite electronic storage gaining in leaps and bounds and companies in
capability with most companies able to store things digitally. Still
insists on printing everything for their records to be stored so in case
of that 0.000001% chance they may need to reference that birthday lunch
invitation to Chili's.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>: The one with the most papers sitting around the printer unclaimed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>:
IF you can, change their default printer to some obscure part of the
builiding, and then watch them waste half the day trying to find it.</span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The Power Typer</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
Usually old enough to have learned to type on old typewriters, and from
the sounds of it is punishing her keyboard for some unseen
transgression.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>: You will know them by their sound and fury. Namely the 'tap,tap,tap,tap,tap' coming from their cube all day long</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>:
Requisition a quiet keyboard and after she leaves replace her old one
with the new one. Then next day talk in low whispers making her question
if she has lost her hearing.</span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The Overambitious Hotshot out of college</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
There's healthy ambition. Then there's insanity and this person
straddles the line between both. Usually freshly minted form some
prestigious (overpriced) college, has designs on running the company by
age 35.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>: The only person in their 20's wearing a suit</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>:
Give them an assignment they are sure blow and will demonstrate to
'Junior' there's a big difference between classroom exercises and the
real World. Hopefully the message they receive is shut your mouth, open
your ears, and learn from more experienced people.</span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The one-upper, upperer</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
Regardless of what you've done, wherever you've been or whoever you
met. They will have a story that manages to eclipse or top it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>: One of these three sentence patterns:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">1. 'You did X?, Well I did X and then Y'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> Example:
'You've climbed Mt.Kilimanjaro? Cool I once climbed Mt.Everest and then
almost died but thankfully that handsome Sherpa carried me to safety.
Once I had reached the top of course'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">2. 'You did X? Well I did X and (+ or -) Y'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">'You've ran 2:03 hours in the half-marathon? Cool, well I once it in 1:46'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">3. 'You did X? Well I did X * Y'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">'You've
met Mick Jagger on an airplane? Well I once met Mick Jagger, backstage
with the rest of the Rolling Stones. And David Bowie also'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>:
When in slow times and needing entertainment, tell an obviously fake
story (snipe hunt, were a spy for non-existent spy agency) so as to bait
the one-upper, upperer while making it so over the top as others will
immediately recognize a joke is about to get played. Then respond by
picking apart their story until the whole thing falls apart.</span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The Cheerleader</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
Who needs Public Relations when you have this person around. Because
their lives end and begin with the company and their happiness almost
(always) depends on how the company does so they always try to cheer up
everyone esle around them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>: 'Uh oh sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>: Smile at whatever she says and if cornered in conversation put brain on autopilot until the cheerleader has safely moved on.</span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The Former Hippie</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
Back in the summer love had the dream residing on a egalitarian
commune, living off subsistence agriculture while everyone lived in
peace and harmony when the Grateful Dead weren't touring. Today she's an
office worker working for 'the man'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>:
Hemp jewelry, psychedelic artwork, peace sign somewhere on handbag,
frequent invitations to volunteer at a ferret rescue center during the
weekend.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>: Can be
helpful when settling arguments related to classic rock such as which is
better to listen to Jimi Hendrix? Weed or acid?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Raccoon Category: Not threatening but should handle with care </strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/1002933_10201541444200475_277383719_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The Girl you wished you hadn't talked to at the office party</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>: YouTube 'Cecily Strong+Saturday Night Live+The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Talked To at The Party'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1005257_10201541448600585_908821016_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Will Be identified By</em>: Lack of any consistent train of thought</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>: Once at the realization this person is a few croutons short of a salad, note you need to go to bathroom (and hide).</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The Incessant Meeting Planner</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
Unable to make a decision on their own so must bring all stakeholders
to endless meetings to decide trivial items as part of her OCD to
support her habit of CYA</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>: Any Outlook Meeting Request (marked urgent of course) for either Monday at 9:00am or Friday at 4:00pm</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>:
Accept meetings when only convenient on your time (which is always
almost never) and subtly mention some study showing stopping by
someone's desk for five minutes is often more productive than calling an
hour meeting.</span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The 'Eggshell' (Aka 'Lee Harvey', aka 'Gregg Popovich', in Market Research companies known as 'The Statistician')</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1013845_10201541450160624_1213776236_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
Derives the name from phrase 'being around them is like walking on
eggshells'. Usually very smart, highly skilled and proficient providing a
important resource to the company. The only problem being they are sort
of mentally unstable and possibly nuts.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>:
Gruff demeanor, frazzled clothes and hair, and broken items around
their office as evidence of a mercurial temper with a hairpin trigger.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>:
Brilliance takes times and often cannot be rushed as often rudely
requested by Sales or Marketing. They're a genius damn it, and results
don't just come at 9:03 due to urgent e-mail before the eggshell has had
their first cup of coffee! You want answers? You want results? Now?
You'll get that summary when I'm G** D*** ready now get the **** out!!
(followed by the sound of their 15th coffee mug this month being smashed
to pieces against the door)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Key to avoiding such nasty
encounters is mentally gauge what time the eggshell is most agreeable
and slowly knock on the door and peer in asking 'Is now a good time?'
When asking in e-mail begin prose with 'I realize you are very busy most
exalted one, but if I may have a some minutes to discuss an idea that
you, master of quantitative universe can judge as worthy of you superior
intellect I would greatly appreciate it'.</span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The IT Help Desk Person</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
For every Mark Zuckerburg, Steve Jobs or misfit who made it big, there
are probably about 100,000 of these guys. Approaching middle age and
bitter because that awesome World of Warcraft gaming ability never
translated to millions for that next big techie idea.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Will Be Identified By</em>: Lack of people skills, retro Atari t-shirt, bad haircut, and barely able to hide contempt at someone with a girlfriend.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>:
Although easy to dismiss, the IT help desk person can be lifesaver
because if your PC isn't working, neither are you. So always stay in his
good graces with the key being to make him feel real important. So at
xmas show a little love with a $50 gift certificate to GameStop, or
massage his ego asking which new laptop he would recommend, or agree
with his opinion that the original Tron from 1982 did not need a remake.
It just needed smarter people to appreciate the neon glow of pre-CGI
special effects and marvel at the true brilliance to the foreshadowing
of how computers would rule our lives in the future damn it!</span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The HR Rep</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
The useful idiot who was never smart enough for their original major in
college so fell back on this instead. Capable enough to do basic tasks,
but just dumb enough to be manipulated by the company when it has to
break bad news.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>: Look up the word 'tool' in urbandictionary.com</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>:
Like hiking past poison oak, best to avoid if possible. If confronted
keep at arm's length by limiting conversation to weather, kids, pets, or
a sale at Kohl's. Because remember that behind the dimwit exterior is
supposed to be the corporate version of a secret police, always
listening and always watching.</span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The Drama Queen</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
As Shakespeare once noted 'All the World is a stage', the drama queen
believes they are the star of their own reality show and all of the
day's developments are to be dramatized for all to see. The main problem
is no one really cares to see their performance</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>:
One way conversation audible on a cellphone to all to hear followed-up
by recap for the <strike>camera</strike> the coworker of nearest proximity.
Usually their day consists of a pendulum swing from love to hate, then
love, then back to hate of significant other or any family member.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>: Did you know Pandora can be streamed from your computer and with headphones it's like your own personal radio station!</span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The Cheapskate</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
Never freely donates any cash to employee led collections whether for
birthday gift, charity donation, baby shower gift card, etc. But will
gladly take in any of the said benefits.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>: Declined to chip in for a cake in honor of a soon-to be married co-worker, but will be first one in line to grab a piece.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>:
Most obnoxious at Happy Hour taking a few drinks but leaving without
putting money on the table for the group tab. If confronted in such
situation utilize your State's '1-800-GRAB-DUI' program</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>The Black Bear Category: Danger!, Danger!</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/993043_10201541451240651_1165091870_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The Frenemy</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
Person closest to you in position and salary who is most in competition
for a promotion. Will be nice to you in person but behind your back the
knives will come out.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>: 'The
humblebrag' which is a passive aggressive move of on the surface being
self-effacing but subtextually is the equivalent of doing an office
touchdown celebration dance.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Example: 'My boss thinks my report should be published at the next conference but I just don't think it's ready yet'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Translation: 'Not to brag but I'm sort of becoming big deal'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in the wild</em>:
Be low-key and let them underestimate you and your skills. Then find
blindspots from their ego because they reveal the weak spots in their
talents. Once found use as the attack point to outperform thereby
crushing them and leaving their managerial dreams burning in a pile of
twisted wreckage on the side of the road to corporate glory. Or read any
chapter in Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' and remember the old WWII
submarine phrase 'Run Silent, Run Deadly'</span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The Accenture Consultant</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1461_10201541452240676_92583188_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
The outside consulting firm brought in by your company to figure out
how to do everything more efficiently is really the white collar grim
reaper. And like a virus, spreads to just about every industry or
company eventually.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>: From dress as a
walking advertisement for Brooks Brothers sporting a white dress shirt
with sport coat (but no tie), loafers, and impeccably ironed khakis.
From appearance with impossibly white teeth, perfectly placed hair, and
looking too young to be wearing a $500 watch. From demeanor will
feature an arrogance that pollutes a room like a spilled bottle of Aqua
Velva.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>: Smile, shake
hands, remain calm, quietly walk backward until at your desk. Then
quickly update your resume because very often Accenture's high impact
solution for everything is 'outsource' everybody's job to India for a
lot less. And even if you are spared initial lay-offs their million
dollar ideas eventually will not work because outsourcing starting to
have negligible return and eventually all that extra work falls to you.</span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The Office Spouse</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo photo_left"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://photos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1011791_10201541529242601_1039675728_a.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>: The person in the office who other than your spouse you confide everything to.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>:
Often of the opposite sex (but not always) who is your go to smoke
break buddy, drinking buddy, coffee buddy, lunch buddy, and the person
you are probably talking to right now and sharing this list.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>:
Though the most helpful in helping survive the work week extreme
caution must always be present when having an office spouse. Though
usually platonic, sometimes an underlying sexual tension becomes
present, that line can blurred and the drinking buddy at Happy Hour can
become a f*** buddy in the parking lot. And next thing you know the
workday (and your evening) just got a lot more complicated.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Work
spouses are lot like being on the Coast in the Pacific Northwest
watching the wild, rugged ocean waves crash into steep, unforgiving
stone cliffs. Beautiful, fulfilling, life affirming but best viewed from
a safe distance. And never cross that sign reading 'DANGER: No Solid
Ground Below!'</span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="fbUnderline">The Admin Assistant</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Who</em>:
The most important person in your office is not the CEO, CIO, CTO, CFO,
Executive VP, Senior VP or just plain director level VP. It's the head
honcho's admin assistant. Because corporate politics is lot like the
British political system. The CEO is like the reigning monarch,
anointed, celebrated, regal, but whose position is mostly ceremonial.
Real power lies with the Prime Minister, who in the office is often the
highest ranking executive's admin assistant.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>Can Be Identified By</em>: Usually overlooked, underestimated, but shown esteemed deference by those who are smart and know where the real power lies.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><em>What To Do when encountered in wild</em>:
The power of the admin assistant results from being 'the' only one the
top executive trusts with their secrets, fears, and plans. All company
business (both public and private) flows through her because she is the
gatekeeper to the boss' phone calls, e-mail, and calendar. She is the
the all knowing, all seeing oracle who can make or break your future if
the boss asks about you.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But she is also wise and will
immediately dismiss all attempts at brownosing, meaningless flattery, or
all around schmuckery. Pity those who treat her beneath them as if
merely a 'lowly secretary' for their career advancement is doomed.
Because one simply does not walk into the admin assistant's office and
begin currying favor. Only those whose hearts are noble, intentions
true, and deeds just can gain the trust and magic blessing of the admin
assistant. That and an occasional bribe of homemade cookies doesn't hurt
either</span>.<br />
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-25961786541218452512013-06-05T11:03:00.002-07:002013-06-05T11:53:03.580-07:00NEW Rules 2013!!! (Concept Shamelessly Stolen from Bill Maher)<br />
Like my comed<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">y hero Bill Maher I feel the need about this time every year to spout off on what I think should be new rules....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>NEW
RULE #1 If your coffee needs a whole lotta choca/latte/sugar/whip
cream/mocha/artificial flavoring,etc than it's probably not good coffee</b> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/935779_10201359163643575_524740058_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">My
wife once worked at a food distribution company and learned the deep,
dark secret to Starbucks. Their coffee is awful. Like low grade, bottom
of the barrel awful because they've spread so far around to every
corner of the globe it needs cheap coffee beans to fill the supply
chain. So to cover up the flavor they added all those little extras
that turn an ordinary cup of coffee into dessert flavored calorie bomb.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Every
day in the city when walking to work, I walk straight past the hordes
of hipsters waiting in line at Starbucks and opt for Dunkin Donuts. To
me a good coffee doesn't need all those extras other than a little
cream and sugar. A good cup of coffee says love me for who I'am and
don't turn me into some superficial creation where you don't recognize
me. Besides if your that guy who insists on a latte using only milk
from goats bred in the Andes, with a dash of hazelnut grown from a rare
orchard in Turkey, using only coffee beans that were hand picked by
the noble African pigme tribe. If you are THAT guy, you're pretty much
announcing to everyone you're pretentious douchebag.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>NEW RULE #2 - The Abercrombie & Fitch CEO needs to be cast as the new Hannibal Lector </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/946577_10201359169963733_1222343169_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">With
all due respect actor Mads Mikkelson, the title role of Hannibal
really belongs to Mike Jeffries, CEO of Abercrombie and <strike>Fascist</strike> Fitch. Never mind that he was exposed as an XXXL sized asshole in a 2006
interview for saying he only wanted the cool kids' wearing his brand
of clothes. And won't make anything beyond size L because he
feels overweight people in his clothes would ruin the brand. Never mind
his exclusivity of their products makes teenagers already feeling
awkward feel even more awkward.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Instead let's focus on how
creepy this guy is with his infatuation with pretty, young things. And
that face. The kind of face that can only come from an obsession with
plastic surgery. The kind of face that may have been made from someone
else's face. The kind the killer in Silence of thee Lambs would
harvest from those strapping young models used in A&F catalogs
possibly kept in a dungeon with Jeffries at the top saying 'It rubs the
lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again' Or casually
mentioning in conversation 'an associate once tried to test me. I ate
his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti'.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>NEW RULE #3 AJ Clemente deserves a Do-Over. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="286" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/942943_10201359172043785_2101042251_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Fresh
out of the university of West Virginia school of communications, AJ was
set for his very first appearance as a newscaster in Bismarck, North
Dakota. Then in one of the alltime instances of crapping the bed, he
introduced himself to the 5:00pm audience by uttering 'Fucking, shit'
into his microphone. The next day he was fired and the station forced
to issue an apology.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But why? In new jobs we've all had
first day jitters and screwed things up. He accidentally uttered a
profanity on-air. So what? It's not like he showed his junk, wore a
Nazi uniform, or referred to his female co-anchor as Tits McGhee. It
happens all the time. It's what real people do. At what point do we
stop with pearl clutching and gasping when someone utters profanity. If
anything the station could get all sorts of publicity and ratings
boost by letting AJ acknowledge the mistake, apologize, and moving on
with the day's other news. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Just You Tube 'News broadcast
FAIL' and you'll find examples far worse. To understand how benign this
incident was, Goggle weatherman Tex Antoine to find out why his
1976 New York WABC broadcast is the benchmark that all broadcast FAILS
will be judged. I mean fuckin, shit! </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>NEW RULE #4 If Hollywood insists on making every comic book into a movie, then Wonder Woman needs to be a priority</b> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="400" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/s720x720/944200_10201359173803829_2040500163_n.jpg" width="288" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Since
the appetite for comic book movie adaptations seems unstoppable, then
let's get straight to the only adaptation that really matters. Of
course I speak of Wonder Woman where rumors persist of casting Megan
Fox in the lead role. Can you imagine her in that outfit and getting
roped in by that lasso of truth. What man would not want to see that on
the big screen...and my God in glorious 3-D no less...umm....uh oh,
was I thinking out loud? Hold on let me wipe this drool from over my
chin.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>NEW RULE #5 Football star Mante Te'o deserves a break from all the ridicule</b> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="320" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/s720x720/945046_10201359175843880_1201508884_n.jpg" width="240" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">His
girlfriend may not have been real but I'm sure the love he felt for
her was real. Along with orgasms he had while masturbating to her over
the phone.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>NEW RULE #6 If first graders learning math need to double-check their work, than so do Harvard economists</b> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="300" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s720x720/395234_10201359178003934_827375144_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">You
may not know Carmen Reinhart or Kenneth Rogoff, two renowned<strike> </strike>economics
professors from Harvard (pronounced Hahh-vard by East Coast elitists).
But you will certainly know their work in the form of austerity
sweeping the US in the form of budget cuts across all levels of Gov't
along with proposals to cut the nation's social net like Social Security
and Medicare. Because their 2009 study showing a correlation of
excess Gov't spending and negative economic growth in industrialized
nations has been cited by everyone from the Congressional GOP to German
Chancellor Angela Markel as the need for budget cutting in the face
economic downturns.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">There was one small problem however.
Namely the results were based on a mistake on their Excel sheet
calculations. If Reinhart, Rogoff or the indentured servants they call
graduate research assistants had double checked their spreadsheet,
they would have noticed they forgot to drag down their key formula by
five spaces. A grad student named Thomas Herndon from UMass-Amherst (a
public university, how poetic) noticed this when he tried to replicate
the results for an assignment. When Herndon and his professors
corrected the mistake, the revised results show modernized countries
actually grew their economies by 2.2% when temporarily increasing
spending to ease a recession.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">There are two economic
theories that have held true over time: #1 In an economic downturn Gov't
spending can jumpstart an economy by stimulating the private sector
with public projects. #2 Its not a good idea to cut social safety nets
during recessions because that's when people for a short-term basis
will need them the most. So if anyone out there who needed unemployment
insurance but could not get it or saw their kids class size double
because of school cuts, Reinhart and Rogoff would like you to know that
hey 'Ooops. our bad'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>NEW RULE #7 Steubenville High School in Ohio needs fire it's head football coach</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="225" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s720x720/580642_10201359180243990_1851720922_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Just
for reference if your a 3-time State Championship winning coach who
when given the evidence of a gang rape perpetrated by some of your
players, the correct response is somewhere along the lines of 'Call the
police','Is the victim Ok? Does she need help', or 'Whoever has
knowledge needs to come forward'. Preferably not ''Delete that off
YouTube' as the instructions he texted to his players.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Among
many of the reasons the two players tried and convicted never
considered rape to be a real crime is because Reno Saccoccia, head
coach of Steubenville Big Red was so revered in the town that his team
was considered untouchable. Coaches are supposed to leaders of men and
examples of character, not enablers of criminal behavior and
facilitating a cover-up of rape. To explain how this guy gets an
contract extension instead of being fired you need to understand the
town. Growing up in Ohio, Steubenville had a reputation as a violent,
corrupt, broken steel town where football was king since everyone in
town was either drunk, unemployed or usually both. Thanks to coach
Saccoccia it's reputation is now as a hemorrhoid festering in the rectum
of America.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>NEW RULE #8 Wall Street
firms eager top pitch me on retirement investing need to clarify how
the stock market is any different from gambling</b><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="305" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/935502_10201359182404044_410212908_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Every
time I open my retirement statement it's often with a cringe and/or
need a for a stiff tall drink. If I had the time and money I'd do an
experiment of comparing my financial adviser to the performance of a
monkey randomly throwing its feces at a list of potential stocks.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I'm
part of what appears to be ever increasingly screwed Generation X
whose main contribution to America will be cleaning up the mess Baby
Boomers left behind. We were told college real important but getting
too expensive so go ahead and borrow that tuition money. When the
student loans were finally paid off in our late 20's Gen X was told to
invest in 401K's because pensions and Social security are like for
'old' people. And in our 30's when time to start a family we were told
buy a home because it's the rock solid investment that never goes down
in value (take a moment for irony). All of these ideas emanated from
one way or another from Marketing by financial cartels on Wall Street.
And how has that worked out for everybody?</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi93ahAyK6K-iQF4dVIHyT02AVmNQvJEXaJJ7Cwgb4Tw7vbojIDSICNar3kZqDuNX_TYqlP77bDoq_28dCgJCn-80NRssT4iY7isZcxh8Vc6AotxWwwz3JeBroBB5Kpd8ladxTt1RKmY4YX/s1600/Generational+wage+growth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi93ahAyK6K-iQF4dVIHyT02AVmNQvJEXaJJ7Cwgb4Tw7vbojIDSICNar3kZqDuNX_TYqlP77bDoq_28dCgJCn-80NRssT4iY7isZcxh8Vc6AotxWwwz3JeBroBB5Kpd8ladxTt1RKmY4YX/s320/Generational+wage+growth.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">According to
BuinessInsider, Gen X collectively on average lost over $33,000 in net
worth during the 2008 Wall Street crack-up, housing collapse, and
stagnated job growth. So the next time a financial adviser wants to
convince me to give him my nest egg to manage, I'll ask them what is the
difference between them and just taking my money to a racetrack or a
casino and letting it ride?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>NEW RULE #9 Rebecca Martinson (aka the deranged sorority e-mailer) needs her own reality TV Show</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/922955_10201359184564098_957878029_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">When
we last checked in with Martinson, best known as the Delta Gamma
sorority sister who wrote the all time greatest e-mails rants ever
(profiled last post), resigned her post at the sorority due to the
resulting embarrassment. But turns out the e-mail was just half the
story. She also had a Twitter account and apparently it was priceless:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="56" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/945623_10201359187244165_1403413018_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="141" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/249174_10201359188204189_992764282_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Some other gems:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">'failed
another job interview today, apparently taking part in an orgy isn't
enough proof that one can effectively work as part of a team and
protection is overrated'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">'might as well be Helen Keller because I have no clue what is going on now #plato'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">'What you call morning wood, I call breakfast'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">She
seems like the female version of Daniel Tosh or this generation's Don
Rickles, a likable asshole destined to be the new monarch of insult
comedy. So if Bravo's Andy Cohen is listening, seriously this needs to
happen like right now.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>NEW RULE #10 Religious conservatives can stop with the 'religious persecution' meme anytime now</b> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/6751_10201359190124237_1534121608_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Quick
somebody call a WAHHHmbulance because some religious leaders are
having a sad. As gay marriage becomes inevitable, women gain control of
their sexuality, and religious right political influence wanes.
Evangelical Christians and the Catholic hierarchy are resorting to
claims of 'religious persecution' for their beliefs in America because
of being criticized for holding increasingly outdated social views.
Persecuted? In America? Really?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">What's really happening is
the ability of a MINORITY of Christians and some Catholic Bishops to
push their conservative beliefs and orthodoxy onto this country is
coming to an end. Many people especially younger generations like
myself are tuning out the fire and brimstone preaching offered up by
the Religious Right opting instead for Christian denominations who
prefer to keep it real. And by real I mean actually focusing on helping
people and solving social problems. Things Jesus actually talked about
in the New Testament.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So it's not persecution but civil
disagreement as others either ignore/laugh at/mock/debate religious
right leaders everytime they open their mouth and say something stupid.
Which seems to occur on a daily basis. So as a consequence in the
marketplace of free speech and ideas, crackpot religious groups like
Focus on the Family, The Catholic League, and Concerned Women of
America find themselves on the fringe rapidly becoming irrelevant. But
to demonstrate why this is a horrendous false equivalency let's compare
Evangelical Christians in US and the Coptic Christian minority in
Egypt.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">For the United States since 2011:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"># of Christian leaders assassinated for their beliefs: 0</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"># of Christian churches destroyed in sectarian violence: 0</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"># of Christians killed in sectarian violence:0</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Amnesty International Assessment: Entirely Free</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">For Egypt since 2011</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"># of Christian leaders assassinated for their beliefs:2</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"># of Christian churches destroyed in sectarian violence: 6</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"># of Christians killed in sectarian violence: 51</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Amnesty International Assessment: Not Free;systematic discrimination, Gov't complicit in Islamic terrorist targeting of Copts</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The
next time Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association wants to
claim religious discrimination, remember it's a craven response which
minimizes the struggle of people around the World who truly being
persecuted for their religion.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>NEW RULE #11 Nutrition experts need to make up their damn minds about food</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/945974_10201359193124312_1351168075_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Why
is it every day there is some conflicting information regarding
nutrition in the news. Recently a British study claimed it's okay to
skip meals and still lose weight contradicting previous logic of eat
small snacks, don't skip meals to lose weight. For awhile it was the
Atkins diet mantra of carbs are bad, carbs are the spawn of the devil so
eat protein instead. Then Atkins drops dead from a heart attack,
presumably from eating too much meat protein and the cholesterol that
comes with it. Previously it was eat Low Fat products because it's
healthier. Then never mind, those low fat products compensate for lack
of taste with boat loads of sugar making it just as unhealthy. Before
that Popeye tells kids eat your spinach and become strong and beat up a
bunch of cartoon characters, only to have the FDA later say spinach is
nutritionally worthless because back in the 1930's someone misplaced a
decimal on a nutritional chart.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">When it comes to
contradicting themselves other than politicians no one does it better
than nutritionists or self described food experts. Strangely it's the
things learned in elementary school health class that have served me
well and seem to still hold true:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Food coming naturally from the Earth is usually good and healthy</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Food from a factory consisting mostly of preservatives and chemicals is usually bad</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- The key to losing weight is burning more calories than you take in</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Go ahead have some pasta and bread, just don't eat entire bowl or loaf in one sitting.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-
It's OK to have that double bacon cheese burger from Wendy's once in a
while with the operative phrase being 'once in a while'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Salads are good, water is nice, and salad with a water is even better</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">-
And we're all going to die someday, so we might as well eat good (in
moderation) which is why you put that bottle of Soy Juice away. It
looks like semen.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>NEW RULE #12 All US domestic airlines should just go ahead and merge into one airline called Cluster Fuck Airways</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="400" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/945027_10201359200324492_146183984_n.jpg" width="377" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Remember
when flying was glamorous, exciting and fun? No. Neither did I. If we
were take a favorability rating of airlines they would probably rank
somewhere between genital herpes and rabies vaccination. With US
Airways now merging with American Airlines after having already merged
with United Airlines which originally merged with Continental Airlines.
Since no one can really tell the difference between either of them,
why not just have one, humongous airline that represents are
dilapidated air travel infrastructure in this country. It's logo can be
the middle finger and motto 'Fly the Friendly Skies or just plain go
fuck yourself. Either way we don't care.' </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>And Finally NEW RULE I'm calling for a One Million Egghead march on Washington DC</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="400" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/s720x720/600971_10201359201444520_152821289_n.jpg" width="300" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Here
in America we love using 'war' as metaphors for just about everything.
There's the War on Drugs, War on Cancer, and even a supposed War on
Christmas. It's a simple way to draw a line of contrast between the good
and the bad. But there's a silent war which hasn't gotten noticed but
needs to and it's the War on Science</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Recently there were
two pieces of legislation introduced in the US House of Representatives
that should give anyone who values critical thinking serious pause.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">First,
the 'High Quality Research Act' by Rep.Lamar Smith (R-Texas)
eliminates peer reviewed process at the Nat'l Science Foundation and
replacing it with a Congressional stamp of approval for all Federally
funded research. In other words get rid of the scientific method and
only research what Congress says you can research. The second is the
'Census Reform Act' by Rep.Jeff Duncan (R-South Carolina) which limits
the Census Bureau to only the decennial census eliminating the vast
amount of demographic, housing, economic, health, and
employment statistics that it publishes every year between Censuses.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Now
it first glance you think well these Congressmen probably just dumb
asses in the spirit of Michele Bachmann. But as you get to know the
bill's sponsors you realize this is more about the censorship of
science. What Lamar Smith is really targeting is research that
contradicts the interests of Big Oil and energy companies. Studies
monitoring the impact of global warming and the pollution of vital
watersheds from the fracking for natural gas. Studies that could
make alternative energy a reality and possibly eliminate the need for
coal, oil, and nuclear power.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Jeff Duncan's anti-Census
bill revolves around the extreme Libertarian economic policies favored by the very wealthy with the guise of lowering taxes for
themselves and shrinking Gov't to the size to drown in a bathtub as
Grover Norquist puts it. The problem is facts always seem to get in
their way as Census data undercuts the 1%'ers argument that eliminating
taxes for the very rich will create economic growth for all. Instead
the data which collectively shows the human condition in America reveals
while tax rates on the rich are the lowest in a century, income
inequality is at it's widest since the Great Depression, the middle
class is shrinking, and incomes are stagnating. Hard to advocate a tax
cut for the rich when many middle or working class families can see
that they are struggling. So Duncan's solution, if the science doesn't
agree with you, just eliminate the science.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Whether in a
social or physical field, science is about finding the truth. And good
science is transparent and objective. Which is why I'm asking not just
Ph.D's, nerds or geeks but anyone who believes that critical decisions
about our country should be based on evidence and facts, not political
agendas or ignorance to rise up in the Million Egghead March.
Particularly if you live in Rep.Smith's or Rep.Duncan's district or
have an anti-science, knuckledragging, cretin representing you at any
level of Gov't. I implore you to march to the voting booth and VOTE
their non-science believing assess out of office. Then it would truly
be Revenge of the Nerds!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But in closing let me leave you
with this thought. What all authoritarian regimes had in common from
Nazi Germany, to the military juntas in South America, to the Khmer
Rouge in Cambodia. Was that the first people they targeted were the
intellectuals, scientists, and other types of people who would pierce
through whatever propaganda they wanted the populace to believe. I'm
not saying the US is turning into a banana republic but what these
anti-science bills really aim for is to misinform and mislead Americans
about key issues. Because if a politician or special interest group
needs to censure science to the advance their agenda or argument, then
it means whatever they are selling is a lie. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/970262_10201359202204539_658760219_n.jpg" /></span></span>everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-88225230147991457312013-04-29T17:30:00.003-07:002013-04-29T17:30:55.659-07:00Wherein I dissect that insane sorority e-mail from Univ. of Maryland<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div>
I'm a huge fan of meltdowns either in written or verbal form.
To me watching someone absolutely lose their shit is perhaps the
greatest of all performance art. Recently an e-mail sent from a member
of the Delta Gamma sorority at the Univ. of Maryland to her fellow
sorority sisters became viral. In it she admonishes (which is to put it
mildly) her fellow sisters on how to behave at Greek week events. After
reading it, then reading again, and again, and again, I can say we have
not just a scolding e-mail but a true classic monologue of angst, rage,
and vitriol. It is a monologue that is David Mamet'esque in it's tone,
delivery, and execution. One begging to be brought to the stage by a
master thespian. Consider it 'Death of a Salesman' for the millennial
generation and would rival Alec Baldwin's turn in 'Glengary Glenross'.
Or former Colts head coach Jim Mora's epic post-game rant 'PLAYOFFS!
PLAYOFFS?! P..P..P..PLAYOFFS?'</div>
<div>
In the same vain that students
of literature love to dissect piece by piece of their favorite poems, I
wanted to dissect this brilliant college age ode of discontent. Please
come with me to truly enjoy this delectable feast of written fury:</div>
<div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>If
you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever
chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough
fucking ride.</em></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
</div>
<div>
Opens with a
common device in English literature where they are preparing you for the
boom! Like Shakespeare's sonnet's where he goes 'look, babe I got
something important to say'. </div>
<div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>For
those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is
the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night
time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. </em></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
</div>
<div>
If Al Pacino were delivering this line, based on CAPS this where his cadence jumps up.</div>
<div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>I've
been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking
AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and
saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun
with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now
so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.</em></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
</div>
<div>
I
love the transition to that whiny voice! You can literally visualize
the sarcasm dripping out of that statement, like sap leaking form a
tree. Now we're assuming the punching in the face is not literally, more
like a SMH...</div>
<div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>I do not give a
flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much
you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the
fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat
NOT ONE OF THEM. </em></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
Has anyone ever seen a flying fuck?<em> </em>Is that like joining the mile-high club? Such a great use of imagery.</div>
<div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>This
week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and
that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to
each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T
LIKE BORING SORORITIES. </em></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
A little bit of mixed metaphor calling women cocks</div>
<div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>Oh
wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG
OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot
and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. </em></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
Just
as you're getting you're bearings back from being called a
cock, WHAMMO! Tells you this critical point, because it's not just
a fucking newsflash. It's double fucking newsflash</div>
<div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>This
also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post
gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people
fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want
you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make
sure you don't go to anymore night time events. </em></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
<br />Classic
David Mamet technique of not just hurling an insult but expanding the
insult even further by having you reply to are you mentally slow. Like
cutting with a knife then twisting it. </div>
<div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>If
Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be
happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO
THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at
other frats, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your
brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T
GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other
girls to leave with you.</em></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
<br />Now the rage
comes to full burn! Also we are alerted to a new vernacular
'post-gaming'. I take that to be post-gaming as slang for 'What will
happen afterward'</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<blockquote>
<em>"But
Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen
as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the
sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS
HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T
COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. </em></blockquote>
</div>
<div>
<br />More
delicious imagry,with the term ass-hat. It could be interpreted in so
many ways. Also very efficient use of the word fucking as both a pronoun
and a verb.</div>
<blockquote>
<br /><i>I've not only gotten texts about
people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits
and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but
I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team.
The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a
SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE
OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? </i><br /></blockquote>
<div>
<br />Can't
decide which is my favorite part'. First, I personally enjoy when
writers use one word sentences for emphasis. And we have a magnificent
example with her use of The.Opposing.Fucking.Team. <br /><br />Second rapid
machine gun fire prose asking if they are fucking stupid and if they are
fucking blind. Richard Pryor once said he liked using the adjective
fucking for dramatic effect. And we certainly have that here.</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>Or
are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like
you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community
is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO
ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP</em>. </div>
</blockquote>
<div>
This passage is a set-up fro the perhaps the most important line below...</div>
<div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>I
will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something
like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT
YOU.</em></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
<br />Here we have the cou'de gra, the
line that will live in infamy for generations, the line that makes this
e-mail rant the rant by which all other e-mail rants will be judged.</div>
<div>
Let's step back for a moment and revisit the money quote here....<em>I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that</em></div>
<div>
Stop.
Take a minute, close your eyes and let that line wash over you like the
mighty waters of a rhetorical river. Cunt. Punt. Assuming it is more
painful than a simple ass-kicking because the typical buttocks has more
fatty tissue thus would insulate the blow. This is like a blow where an
author describes not just ripping out someone's heart but stomping all
over on the floor. Generally cunt is the thermal-nuclear word of the
English language, in that once used between two friends it generally
results in the mutually assured destruction of that relationship.</div>
<div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>"Ohhh
Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad".
Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a
little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird
shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for
you:</em></div>
<div>
<em>DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.</em></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
<br />Well
we're not sure if her fellow sister's are crying...or crying from
laughter. So the author reiterates her seriousness by using 'weird
shits'. Here she follows-up that devastating blow of the c-punt with
quick upper-cut of weird. In the sorority world, being called weird is
perhaps the worst insult one can be leavied. It insinuates you are not
part of the sorority mind-meld thus eeeek...an individual....gasp</div>
<div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>I'm
not fucking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING
I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're
unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE
PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. </em></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
<br />After that c-punt
blast were pretty sure no one believes the author is kidding. The
interesting note here is after her scorched Earth rhetoric she sort of
dials back a little bit opting for the mild adjective 'horrible' when so
many other synonyms are available. Grotesque comes to mind, So does
despicaple. Why settle for horrible which is meh? We'll see below..</div>
<div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>I
would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking
awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people
that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober",
then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and
with that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop
being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. </em></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
<br />Comic
books have a device where the action is denoted by
BAM..ZING..BLAM..POW? Well turns out the tepid 'horrible' used
previously was just letting the reader catch their breath, regain some
balance before the author unleashes another devastating combination of
rhetorical punches that if by now must have the reader floored. As if
the c-word wasn't enough she then uses the f- bomb. If c-punt went
nuclear, then f-bomb is like spreading napalm for good measure
afterward. Calling them a 'cock-block' is like returning the wreckage of
the burned out reader's feelings and then urinating on them. </div>
<div>
Then
some more mocking in a fake offended sorority voice, then the big boom.
She essentially accuses the reader of not being able to get guys unless
completely smashed and must feel like 2x4 across the eyes. </div>
<div>
Because as I paraphrase here 'Do you honestly think get boys by personality alone, bitch, puhhh...lllease'</div>
<div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>Seriously.
I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at
tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not
even kidding. Try me.</em></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
<br />Were assuming the
author has seen a lot of boners so she knows what she is talking about.
Plus by now the author senses the reader is dazed, swaying, up against
the ropes, so she goes in the knockout...</div>
<div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<em>And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.</em></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
</div>
<div>
(wipes
tears from eyes...clap,clap,clap,clap...ovation) Bravo! Bravo! And they
said the era of the 'fuck you' letter was over. Phew after that I need
a breather. </div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
The final insult is to note the
author would apologize then swat..she doesn't care. Like the victor
lending a hand to the vanquished then shoving her back down. Personally
my favorite way to end an antagonistic encounter is The English cockney
accent of 'piss off! but 'go fuck yourself' also works in North America
and in certain parts of Asia. If the recipient and not the sender of a
'fuck off' a casual mention of 'sure, off your mom!' works as well</div>
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-13095493992703231482013-04-25T15:58:00.000-07:002013-04-25T15:58:29.655-07:00The Five People You'll Meet in Hell (or The Reverse Mitch Albom)<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div>
So this what it feels like when a nation collectively has a
crappy week. Filled with tragedies both big and small. Planned and
unplanned. For a lot of people stressful times bring out the best. I'm
sure writer Mitch Albom and his totally positive take on life
would collect these uplifting stories of heroism and pen some feel good
tales about the human condition like 'The Five People You'll Meet In
Heaven' or 'Tuesdays with Maury'. This blog is not about those people.
In times of crisis there are those who rise to the occasion and those
who extensively makes things worse. This blog is about the latter
category. Here is a quick list of people who I think we'd all love to
give the middle finger.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>1.Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsaraev</b>
- For the very obvious reasons. And add to them anyone who kills in the
name of religion be it Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, Judiasm, or
whatever. Religion sometimes is like the skeevy chick in a dive bar, the
cause of most fights and conflicts.<br /><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/575585_10201116176249042_78228143_n.jpg" /></span><br /></div>
<div>
<b>2. Alex Jones of InfoWars and his deranged band of 'truthers'</b>
- In the hours after the Boston Marathon bombing, the Governor of
Massachusetts Deval Patrick had a press conference which was pretty
important for the general public considering we were in the middle of a
civil emergency. Was this an ongoing crisis? Were more attacks imminent?
What was the status of the injured? Before the first question could be
taken, a cretin of infowars.com,Dan Biodoni the hub for internet
conspiracy theorists interrupted with 'Is This Another False Flag Attack
To Take Away Our Civil Liberties?'<br /><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="145" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/431777_10201116161928684_417696253_n.jpg" width="400" /></span><br /></div>
<div>
The
biggest problem with the internet is when a event like this happens, it
allows the rats and other assorted lowlifes to come out of the sewer to
pollute online civility with their often obnoxious, sometimes sickening
behavior. These are the same group of asswipes who have been harassing
survivors and victim's family in Newtown, CT asserting Sandy Hook was a
false flag conspiracy for the Government to seize all guns. Everything
always seems to come down to far-fetched conspiracy and when confronted
with irrefutable, counter evidence. Their response is well the
conspiracy must be even deeper. </div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
Essentially the same strand runs through
Alex Jones and all other conspiracy wingnuts is the blame for their
pathetic lives is not because their own mistakes or bad luck, but some
hidden nefarious force made up Global Zionist elitists who are
personally ruining their lives as part of some vast conspiracy. It's
like X-Files in its last season, running off the rails without any
comprehensible shred of logic or plausibility. <br /><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="311" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/923237_10201116163328719_1677278197_n.jpg" width="400" /></span><br /></div>
<div>
<b>3. Owners of that West, Texas fertilizer plant</b>
- The only thing worse than a tragedy is a tragedy that could have
easily been prevented. With at least 15 dead, hundreds injured, and
roughly an entire Texas town leveled because a fertilizer plant went
kaboom with ammonium nitrate, the same substance used in the 1995
Oklahoma City bombing. There's a reason we have workplace safety laws,
and Gov't regulation of Industry for instances like this, to prevent a
fertilizer plant from storing nearly 30 times the legally allowed amount
of ammonium nitrate in an unstable container. And there's a reason we
have zoning laws to prevent certain things that do not belong together
from ending up next to each other. Like schools and adult bookstores, or
a landfill next to a farm field, or a plant housing hazardous materials
next to a populated area. <br /><br /><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/934671_10201116164928759_1603549275_n.jpg" /></span><br /></div>
<div>
Texas
prides itself on being fiercely independent, and keeping Gov't out of
people's lives, but they should also not be excluding common sense
seeing as an inordinate amount of workplace accidents and deaths seem
concentrated in the Lone Star state. As the famous Texan blogger, Molly
Ivins would say, 'If you think building a fertilizer plant full of
flammable chemcials next to residential neighborhood is a good idea,
then you're a special kind a moron'.<br /><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="400" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/321633_10201116166568800_1227391816_n.jpg" width="326" /></span><br /></div>
<div>
<b>4. The Senate Filibuster</b>
- Technically this is not a person but a thing. However like Pat
Sajak essentially an outdated tool who has long outlived any usefulness.
This week the Senate had 55 votes (out of 100) to approve of expanded
background checks for firearm sales, an idea that 90% of Americans agree
with including majority of gun owners in the wake of the Sandy Hook
shootings. But the archaic rule of needing 60 votes to close off debate
prevented the bill from being voted on effectively killing it. Plus any
meaningful immigration reform, or tax reform, or anything the 21st
century might require appears headed down this road as well. In most
democracies majority rules, no matter how big or small. Because if a
political party has won an election then they have won the right to
govern.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Some concern trolls might argue, 'Well hold on
there sir, as a Democrat, wouldn't you oppose it if Republicans only
needed 51 votes to kill Social Security or appoint a deranged clown as
Supreme Court justice, or name Jojo the circus monkey as Secretary of
State?' I say let em, and then in the next election let 'em faith
the wrath of an angry electorate. Until then the Senate is merely a
place where progress and good ideas go to die.<br /><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="297" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/923545_10201116167728829_1414644956_n.jpg" width="400" /></span><br /></div>
<div>
Also
quick special f**k you to Texas Sen.Ted Cruz. When New Jersey needed
emergency relief funding for Hurricane Sandy, you initially filibustered
it and eventually voted no, wasting valuable time. Because you
cited preventing Gov't waste, and freedom, or something. But when a
crooked plant owner inadvertently blows up a small Texas town and
suddenly your all about sucking at the Federal Gov't tit for emergency
aid because tragedy and Jesus would've wanted that way or something.
Well filibustering can be a two way street.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>5.Gwyneth Paltrow</b>
- Now she expressly did not cause any tragedies last week, but it's
worth pointing out she's basically the World's biggest asshole. Some in
Hollywood are asking why does everyone hate her so much? Why all the
vitriol? Well for me she embodies the three most loathsome traits a
human being can have:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
First, she's a raging
narcissist, whose collection of cookbooks, wellness guides, and internet
site might as well be called 'Me,Myself, and I'. I'll assume most
celebrities in Hollywood are selfish jerk-offs but unlike Paltrow, most
actors at least have the ability to 'act' the part of 'likeable'. I'm
sure George Clooney is enjoying the good life at some chateau in Swiss
Alps but he at least keeps his enthusiasm under wraps seeing as most of
the globe is in a recession right now. And some celebrities actually try
to spend some their fortune to help out other less fortunate, like with
Matt Damon's Clean Water campaign in Africa.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Second,
she's the worst kind of rich person, the clueless kind. The kind that
never had the financial limits of growing up in a middle or working
class existence, and explains why very few can relate when Paltrow asks
why can't every person be as fabulous as her. So when she bleats on
about how the key to beauty is some $2,500 face moisturizer from Europe
or her Spring fashion must have items recommended on her ode to
self-absorption, goop.com total over half-a-million dollars. It's easy
why most people would love throw a bag of elephant feces at her face.
Plus she can stop telling average parents what to feed their kids, since
I don't recall her becoming a registered dietician.<br /><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/s720x720/392548_10201116168408846_1088953469_n.jpg" /></span><br /></div>
<div>
And
lastly there's the nepotism thing. The reason most civilized nations
got rid of monarchies and fiefdoms is the belief birth rite should not
be an entitlement. And perhaps what grates me the most is she was born
third base, but thinks she got there by hitting a triple. Can anyone
honestly say Paltrow would have a career if she's not Blythe Danner's
daughter? So good for her she's People's magazine's most beautiful in
the World. But if inner beauty were on the cover it would be a
picture of pig vomit.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So here's to hopefully better weeks and months in the near future.</div>
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-19221184872187703732013-04-11T17:15:00.000-07:002013-04-11T17:15:07.165-07:00Something Every 9th Grader Should Hear, Papa John's, and How Kim Kardashian ensured marriage equality will become reality<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div>
<b>So Why Exactly Does Eric Holder still have a job?</b> -
During Senate Judicial testimony about why not one person responsible
for the 2008 economic crash has ever been prosecuted, America's top
prosecutor had this to say:</div>
<blockquote>
I'm concerned that the size
of some of these institutions becomes so large that it does become
difficult to prosecute them when we are hit with indications that if you
do prosecute, if you do bring a criminal charge, it will have a
negative impact on the national economy</blockquote>
<div>
<span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/48125_10201039167403869_1019117992_n.jpg" /><div class="caption">
Attorney
General Clueless</div>
<div class="caption">
</div>
</span><br />So
in another words Mr.Attorney General banks have now gotten so big they
can threaten United States with economic catastrophe if you try to
arrest their executives and you more or less admitting that there are
two separate legal systems. One for mega corporations and rich people
and another for the rest of us. Right. So who else is too big to
prosecute? Terrorists? Drug Dealers? Mobsters?</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
To understand
how completely incompetent Eric Holder is, imagine a 'bankster' trying
to tell J.Edgar Hoover prosecuting them would be hazardous to the
nation's economic health. Hoover would probably respond the way Ray
Lewis would if you poked him in the eye and called him ugly. Because you
simply could not threaten or intimidate a man who enjoyed the feel of
soft satin that came from wearing negligee and women's panties
(allegedly) under that manly FBI suit.<br /><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/155605_10201039168363893_610706585_n.jpg" /><div class="caption">
The original Victoria's Secret model</div>
</span></div>
<div>
<b>Since were talking about stealing money...how is your 401K doing?</b>
- Remember when 401K's were the route to wealthy retirement because
those old, stuffy ideas of guaranteed income such as pensions and Social
Security were outdated because Wall Street knew best how to handle
money right and get the best return? Well not really says an analysis by
Slate.com showing even if your 401K survived the big Wall
Street crack-up of five years ago and actually made money, 20% of your
potential savings went to fees, and commissions. So if you managed to
make $100,000, you would only have $80,000 because the other $20,000 got
siphoned off by investment firm for the 'privilege' of managing your
money. Bloomberg's Josh Barro (not exactly raging pinko, socialist)
essentially sums up 401K's as bullshit and proposes expanding Social
Security to 20% more than currently paid out.<br /><br /><b>The US Supreme Court had the gayest week ever!</b> -
This past week the US Supreme Court heard two sure to be groundbreaking
cases. One involving overturning California's Proposition 8 (Perry v.
Schwarzenegger), an odious ballot referendum in 2008 that stripped gay
and lesbians' right to marry after it had already been granted by
California's Supreme court. The other (United States v. Windsor)
deciding whether the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) which barred
the Federal Gov't from recognizing married gay couples was
unconstitutional.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Reading the tea leaves, legal
analysts when not busy finding ways to bill clients $200 an hour for
their legal services speculated DOMA would be overturned due to the
Equal Protection clause in the 14th amendment of the Constitution.
Translated from <strike>pig Latin</strike> legalese, it means Gov't can't deny
certain groups equal protection under the law just because you don't
like them. Prop 8 will probably be overturned due to a technicality
because private individuals (in this case raging homophobes from out of
state) can't defend a public law that the California Gov't neither
wanted nor asked for.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The Prop 8 ruling likely won't
apply Nationally, so backwaters like Alabama and Oklahoma can still keep
their gay marriage bans...for now. However the real victory was the
Plaintiffs challenging Prop 8 delivered a proverbial legal smackdown
eviscerating every argument anti-gay advocates have used in the past to
deny gay marriage. The knock out punch was delivered when the defendants
for Prop 8 had no response when asked 'If marriage should only be
between a man and woman because gay couples can't procreate, why
then are heterosexual couples who cannot or do not want children allowed
to marry?' Bazinga! The plaintiffs finished out the closing
arguments with a mic drop after delivering the verse 'Ring the bell.It's
over.' </div>
<div>
<b> </b></div>
<div>
<b>So here's how Kim Kardashian helped ensure marriage equality will become reality</b>
- To understand how momentous these Supreme Court cases were, check out
the trend chart showing the survey of Americans approving gay marriage
since 2004. Look at the trends after 2010, and suddenly support for gay
marriage starts skyrocketing to where in 2013 reportedly it's now up to
58% which in Social Sciences is unprecedented. So what happened in 2011
to suddenly start changing people's mind?<br /><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="272" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/559917_10201039172724002_412976859_n.jpg" width="400" /></span><br /></div>
<div>
Kim
Kardashian, who Joel McHale accurately summarized as being famous for
having a big ass, a sextape and starring in a reality TV show with her
dead behind the eyes sisters. Apparently she had found true love with
Kris Humphries and decided to share that love for all the World in a
yearlong 24/7 media orgy and punctuated by a fairytale wedding
(televised of course) and dream marriage ...which lasted for about 74
days.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My theory is when the rancid, decaying, maggot
infested stench emanating from the corpse of this publicity stunt
infiltrated the collective nostrils of America. It caused millions of
thinking people who were previously unsure about gay marriage to
reconsider after realizing any two morons by virtue of simply being
heterosexual can get together to have a 'marriage'. But two loving,
committed gay or lesbians who spend a lifetime together as was the case
for the plaintiffs challenging DOMA could not which is just plain wrong. </div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<b>Unlike oral sex there actually is such a thing as a bad pizza</b>
- Recently it came to light that Papa John's Pizza was threatening
bloggers of any size with lawsuits for talking ill of company CEO John
Schnatter who recently threw a public tantrum over having to provide
health insurance to his minimum wage employees under the new Healthcare
reform. Schnatter threatened he'd have to raise prices a whopping $0.20
per pizza to cover this new insurance.<br /><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/557927_10201039175644075_889294591_n.jpg" /></span></div>
<div>
Not
that I'd ever order one of Papa John's shitty pizzas because living New
Jersey we are blessed with an abundance of family owned pizzerias far
superior to anything mass production pizzas companies could dish out.
But I think I speak for decent people that I would not mind paying an
extra $0.20 if it meant the guy delivering my pizza could see a doctor
without going broke. Herein lies the problem with oligarchs like
Schnatter, they don't get that they either provide workers with a decent
living wage or they end up supporting a social welfare programs through
higher taxes because employees are to poor to afford decent health
insurance.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<b>Stupid Human (Resource) Tricks</b> - Anyone
whose ever worked in an office or large corporate setting knows that
Human Resources is really just another word for 'people who could not
hack it in Business school so would up doing this instead'. Typically HR
reps are fall into the category of useful idiots, people
semi-intelligent but not enough to actually bring anything of value in a
skilled labor pool. So they are used as corporate hacks, there to take
all the slings and arrows of employees when corporate makes unpopular
decisions and some how put a bright, smiley, spin on it (like calling
$2,500 deductible health insurance a 'consumer directed health plan')</div>
<div>
So
it comes as no surprise according to a study done by Greg Beato in the
Wall Street Journal that showed everything Human Resources thought they
knew about hiring was (predictably) wrong. For instance:</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
1.The
classic Briggs-Myers personality test is actually not a good indicator
of personality. Neither is a person's credit score a good indicator of
dependability. </div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
2.Switching jobs frequently can actually be a good thing because shows worker is highly motivated to have a fulfilling career.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
3.Most
people who have gone more than 5 years after committing a small minor
criminal offense without incident are no higher risk than people who
have no criminal record. Especially if that offense was during college.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
4.Telecommuting and flexible schedules actually make people more productive not less.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
5.Facebook
profiles are not adequately reflective of how someone would be at
work plus most people are smart enough to make their profiles private
anyway.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
6.And if someone is stupid enough to post a racist
rant, brag about criminal activity, or a scandalous picture to social
media than they're probably not smart enough for an important job
anyway.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
7.Everyone has figured a canned response to the inevitable questions that start with 'So tell me about a time when...'<br /><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="350" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/483494_10201039176204089_95755318_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></div>
<div>
<b>What Sour Grapes Must Taste Like</b> -
Lost amid all the hub-bub with the Supreme Court cases over gay
marriage was another equally important case regarding race based
admissions into colleges heard last Fall. The case is Fisher v.
Texas which involves a now 23 year-old who did not get into Univ. of
Texas after high school and cited the policy of preferential admission
for minorities for instances when deciding on applicants who are 'on the
bubble' as the unfair the reason she didn't get in. I'm not going to
debate if colleges need race based admissions but from reading the trial
briefs it seems more of a case of sour grapes than of any sort of
discrimination. Not sure how her lawyrers explained why roughly 160
minority applicants with a higher GPA than Fisher also did NOT get into
UT, while roughly 70 white applicants with a lower GPA than Fisher DID
get in.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Despite Texas' reputation as a collection of
rednecks residing in a hub of ignorance resulting in woeful public
schools (49th behind Mississippi, hook 'em horns!) it's university
system is actually very good with UT-Austin considered one of the best
public universities in the country. And I mention sour grapes for
Ms.Fisher since UT-Austin automatically accepts Texas high school
seniors who are in the Top 10 percent academically of their graduating
class. These people account for 75% of UT-Austin's incoming Freshmen
class at any given year leaving the out of state and 'on-the-bubble'
applicants to compete for other 25% of spots.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Had
Ms.Fisher been in that Top 10% her acceptance would have been
guaranteed, but let's face it if you are on the outside of that 10% than
you probably did not apply yourself well enough in the four years of
high school. But rather than do what high school seniors have done for
decades which is accept it and move on. Plus despite Fisher initially
being offered a chance to transfer to UT for her Sophomore year if her
Freshman college grades were good enough. Apparently she had herself
a holy temper tantrum and her Daddy lawyered up with a educational
reform think-tank with an agenda and...yada,yada,yada...her little pity
party could adversely affect minority placement in top colleges.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
So
I want any 8th grader gearing up for the big show of high school next
Fall to pay close attention and not be like Ms.Fisher....</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<b>So here's something Every 9th grader should hear</b>
- For high school growing up in Columbus, Ohio I went to St.Charles, an
all boys Catholic high school that was academically tough and
rigorous. What made St.Charles unique though was rather than cater to
rich, upper class families, it primarily existed to give boys from
lower, working, and middle class backgrounds an opportunity for an
top-flight prep school education. On my first day then Principal Dominic
Cavello, a man I grew to admire and respect gave a speech that frankly
should be required listening of all incoming high school Freshmen. The
basic gist of his speech was:</div>
<blockquote>
'As of this day, life
begins taking score because from here on out all of your decisions will
have consequences, some big, some small, but all collectively will
determine your path into the future. Wherever you end up in 4, 8 all the
way to 30, 40 years from now will be a direct result of the actions
taken (or not taken) by you starting right now. It all counts so my
advice to you gentlemen is Carpe Diem!' (Latin for 'Seize The Day')</blockquote>
<div>
<span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/3644_10201039177724127_857381854_n.jpg" /><div class="caption">
You = kayaker, Shark = globalization</div>
</span></div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
I
wish I had listened to Mr.Cavello and taken what he meant seriously
because I fell into that trap of just doing enough to get by and not
really putting extra effort into much of anything. I skated through four
years of St.Chuck's with a 2.6 GPA, not bad but not good either and
certainly not worthy of applying to my dream school Northwestern
University in Chicago. Where it hit me that I had wasted a golden
opportunity, was graduation when it was announced that the Top 10% of my
class had gotten into the elite colleges such as the Ivy Leagues,
Stanford, Vanderbilt, Notre Dame, and yep Northwestern. And 52% of my
class got academic scholarships to wherever they were headed. Of course a
2.6 GPA does not get you any of those things accept guaranteed
admission to a open enrollment state university (Hello Bowling Green
with its 'tough' 2.3 minimum GPA needed for admission) with the saving
grace of parents willing to pay for tuition.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Unlike
Ms.Fisher I learned from my mistake, applied myself in college, got a
3.3 GPA and eventually landed a scholarship to grad school and down the
career path to where I'm now. But it always nagged me if I graduated
from high school with something close to a 4.0 what could have been. I
may have well still wound up at Bowling Green but it would have been a
hell of lot cheaper for myself and my parents.<br /><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="320" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/150763_10201039190084436_181573139_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></div>
<div>
And
it's not just in academics but how you choose to invest your time while
in high school. Will you choose to find yourself so to grow emotionally
and intellectually or lose yourself in the petty social rituals like
hanging with the cool kids and parties? Will you learn to build
meaningful friendships and how to relate with other people or play the
part of the angst ridden teenager or worse a bully? Will you venture
outside and explore the World or remain inside and let computer or video
games be your reality? Will you do something positive that contributes
to a community like a sport, club, or the arts or be negative and tear
others down by being an insolent little troll?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This is
something I will impart to my kids when the time comes. But
meanwhile for all you 8th graders gearing up for 9th grade, my advice to
you is Carpe Diem!</div>
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-91867601495167113302013-03-12T15:32:00.003-07:002013-03-12T18:37:29.887-07:00'Florida Man', The Postal Service, and The Whitest Sentence Ever Written<div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>The only Twitter you'll ever need to follow</b>
- If there were a sweepstakes for bat-shit craziest State in the
Union, Florida would win hands down. It seems everyday a news headline
comes out of the Sunshine state like 'Florida man, arrested for getting
drunk and punching a manatee' or 'Florida man, arrested for trying to
return a used enima set to CVS pharmacy'. With all that craziness it's
good to know it's all documented in one handy twitter feed for you.
Introducing @_FloridaMan</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Some quick highlights urr lowlights from Gator country...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/225580_10200854038095752_1507238375_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Florida Man </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b> @_FloridaMan </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Real-life stories of the world's worst superhero.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Everywhere, FL</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Florida Man</b> @<b>_FloridaMan</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Florida Man Accused Of Masturbating In Front Of Girl, Claims He Was Fixing Hole In His Pants | <a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fbit.ly%2FXwmVkZ&h=YAQGzXEvu&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://bit.ly/XwmVkZ</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Florida Man</b> @<b>_FloridaMan</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Florida Man Gave Teller Full Name While Robbing Bank | <a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fbit.ly%2FYPMA9q&h=aAQEMR-Av&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://bit.ly/YPMA9q</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b> </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Florida Man</b> @<b>_FloridaMan</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Florida Man Said He Was Within His Rights After Shooting Neighbor's Cats | <a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fbuff.ly%2FY7f7r0&h=VAQEP7t_2&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://buff.ly/Y7f7r0</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Florida Man</b> @<b>_FloridaMan</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Florida Man Robs Girl Scouts Selling Cookies | <a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fbit.ly%2FZARk1A&h=6AQHlw58i&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://bit.ly/ZARk1A</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Florida Man</b> @<b>_FloridaMan</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Florida Man Spent Six Months Posing As Deputy To Impress Girlfriend; Actually Works At Pizza Hut | <a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fon.wtsp.com%2FYXcHsS&h=BAQE2i0Mp&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://on.wtsp.com/YXcHsS</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Florida Man</b> @<b>_FloridaMan</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Police Say Florida Man Tried To Eat Bag Of Meth | <a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fbit.ly%2FXDuvIh&h=hAQEvhucZ&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://bit.ly/XDuvIh</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b><b><b><b></b></b></b>Florida Man</b> @<b>_FloridaMan</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Florida Man Arrested For Throwing Taco Bell Burrito At Brother-In-Law's Face | <a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fbit.ly%2FXX4zth&h=-AQF1tzV_&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://bit.ly/XX4zth</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b> </b><b><b><b><b><b> </b></b></b></b></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Are We Sure We Want To Get Rid of the Postal Service?</b>
- The US Post Office is our favorite whipping boy when we want to
conjure the image of some incompetent, bumbling bureaucracy. But
consider this, last year the USPS delivered 160 Billion pieces of mail
to 330 million Americans, and 99% of the time they got it right. What
other industry whether public or private can boast a 99% accuracy rate
at that volume?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">If you think about it, our USPS is a
modern marvel. It connects Americans across 1.3 million square miles
with each other and to the economy. It practically invented the science
of logistics and supply chain management that are used in business
today. It brought new technology such as digital scanners, and
automated sorting to practical use. It's what allows a letter sent from
Fairbanks, Alaska to New York City in less than 4 days.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/301528_10200854040255806_1489113888_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Now
you may say yeah that's nice but people don't write letters anymore,
so no wonder they're losing money. But the USPS would be pulling a
profit had Congress not done something stupid back in 2006 as reported
by Jesse Lichtenstein from Esquire. They made the USPS pay into it's
pension and healthcare fund 75 years into the future. Most private
companies and Gov't only pay up to 30 years in the future and would be
like having to pay 20% of your paycheck into a retirement account you
could not use until 75 years from now. And why? Because private
shippers like UPS and FedEx lobbied Congress to the tune of $100
million last decade to make it a planned failure so when the postal
service goes bankrupt they could privatize it and grab the estimated
$80 Billion in revenue the USPS makes every year.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Currently
that letter from Fairbanks to New York would be the price of a postage
stamp at $0.46. Try sending it UPS or FedEx for that distance and
within 4 days and it would cost at least $6. When you factor in part of
the economy directly dependent on mail delivery like Amazon or
catalogs, the USPS helps generate 8.5 million jobs and $1 Trillion for
the private sector. Imagine what an increase in shipping costs would do
the economy if turned over to private shippers. But surely UPS and
FedEx would never raise prices unincumbered from Congressional
oversight just to ensure profit, right? Sometimes we don't know how
much things mean until they are gone.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>So here's that comprehensive, groundbreaking study of porn stars you probably didn't ask for</b>
- A researcher in England named Jon Millward shows what happened when
statisticians have too much time on their hands. He recently released a
study of 10,000 porn stars culling data from IMDB and results are
below (don't worry safe for work)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>The most common bra size is 34 </i><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="80" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/417633_10200854041575839_1339106987_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>The
most common hair color for female porn stars is brown. Brunettes
(including black and brown hair) outnumber blondes nearly 2 to 1 <span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="197" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/374383_10200854044735918_958383909_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>The most common female role appearing in a film title is "teen." "MILF" and "wife" come in second and third.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="112" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/522740_10200854046295957_797270262_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>The most common female porn star first name is Nikki. The most common male first name is David.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>The average porn star weight is 117 lbs for women, 167.5 lbs for men. </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>The average porn star height is 5'5" for women, 5'10" for men.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>Majority of porn stars came from California </i></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo " style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="400" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/s720x720/374517_10200854047895997_1562993713_n.jpg" width="270" /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><br /></i>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>So here's that revealing, all access reality show of Ke$ha you probably didn't ask for</b>
- MTV announced the debut of Ke$ha My Crazy Life. The hook here is
come for the craziness but stay for the weirdness like the one segment
where she drinks her own urine. There's one way to be the new Mentos
Breath Freshner spokesperson.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Well Better Late Than Never</b>
- Mississippi became the last of the 50 states to ratify the 13th
amendment of the US Constitution (the one that says people are not
property so no slavery) in February of <span class="fbUnderline">THIS</span>
year. Nothing like waiting 148 years after the Civil War to finally
affirm the abolition of slavery. Apparently it did ratify it back in
1995 but never got around to actually notify the Office of the Federal
Register which would have made it official. It was brought to their
attention after a ole Miss University professor saw the film 'Lincoln'
and did a little research. Given that state's history of race relations
I'm sure that's not <span class="fbUnderline">ALL</span> embarrassing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Politico asks if it's too early to start thinking about the 2016 Presidential election</b>
- Although it was a rhetorical question the answer of course is an
unequivocal yes. Yes it is too early. Like 3 and half years too early.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Quite Possibly The Whitest Sentence Ever Written</b>
- A hacker made a brazen and daring technological feat by breaking
into George W. Bush's personal e-mail and revealed a bombshell to
website thesmokinggun.com...the real reason we invaded Iraq? An affair
with Condoleezza Rice?...umm, nope..some 'interesting' artwork (see
below) but mostly proof that wealthy, white male plutocrats are very
boring people.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i> </i><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/549461_10200854049456036_1167872057_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">One
of the exposed e-mails came from Jim Nantz, CBS Sports play-by-play
broadcaster, and hero for the upper class, country club set. That
intrigued the sports blog deadspin.com to look into that matter and
they discovered the writers at thesmokinggun had inadvertently created
an important cultural artifact of the English language: Quite possibly
the whitest, most WASPiest sentence possibly ever written.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/484814_10200854050976074_565923350_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">From the original story:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>Both Hemingway and Nantz corresponded with Bush, 88, about playing golf and visiting the Bush compound in Kennebunkport, Maine.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Let Issac Rauch from deadspin take it from here:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>We'll
never have a whiter sentence than one recounting correspondence
between two WASP icons—George H.W. Bush and Jim Nantz—about making a
golf trio with some guy named Hemingway and hanging out at a compound in
Kennebunkport, Maine. What do you think those guys talk about? Braided
belts? Saltines? The dangers of women's soccer? We can only hope
someone leaks those conversations as well, so we can use the paper
they're printed on to make drywall.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>One Truly Is The Loneliest Number</b>
- In this month's edition of what the hell can you do with a geography
degree, we have Dorothy Gambrell of Psychology Today who did analysis
of Craigslist's 'missed connections' where people try to find some
hottie they saw out in public but couldn't get their number or
something. Her analysis is mapped below, and apparently if you live down
South WalMart is the new single's bar. New possible pick-up lines
include:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">'Mind if I buy you a 12 pack of sprite on sale for $2.99'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">'I saw you across the Layaway counter and your eyes just roped me in'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">'Enough with small talk, why don't we take this party over to Sam's Club'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">'Uhh, wanna f**k?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="353" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/s720x720/60443_10200854054416160_631209791_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>About that Gay Pope Rumor</b>
- Master blogger Andrew Sullivan (gay himself) posited that Pope
Benedict XVI was probably a closeted gay man given the unusual living
arrangements in retirement. He will be sharing an apartment with Georg
Gaenswein at the Vatican who was his personal secretary and were
apparently very close. Add on rumors from Italian newspaper La
Rupubblica of a 'lavendar mafia' running things behind scenes that was
about to be exposed. Already on thin ice with his role in covering up
child abuse scandals, the prospect of a 'gay cabal' scandal apparently
was the other shoe (red lavendar from Prada) to drop, forcing his
resignation.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/374438_10200854056456211_34957703_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I'm
very skeptical. Just because the Vatican hierarchy enjoy dressing up
in glitzy costumes and have high camp rituals does not make them gay.
Nor does the fact the College of Cardinals are all a bunch of dudes who
like to hang out drinking beer and discuss other people's sexuality
while in a <strike>gay bathhouse </strike>sauna. Or the time they said women can't be priests because
'uh ewwww, girls' No the pope isn't gay at all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/69239_10200854058016250_1642339657_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And
if he were, a majority of Catholics would be 'oh, that's cool. I got
no problem with that' So the Catholic hierarchy could perhaps evolve on
the issue.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>What if I told you an obscure mathematical process could prevent the next mass shooting?</b>
- Some people might remember the show 'Numb3rs' where a mathematical
genius teamed with his older brother FBI agent to solve complex crimes
and prevent ones from happening by use college Algebra. As convoluted
and far-fetched the series may have been in general, using math to
solve or prevent crime wasn't far off. In statistics there is a
technique called data mining that uses various mathematical formulas to
comb through millions and millions of data records from bank, credit
card, and internet records to find patterns that can predict human
behavior. And in the wake of the Sandy Hook tragedy, there actually
exists a quantitative tool that can be employed immediately to prevent
the most feared of all random violence, the deranged mass murderer
carrying a gun.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="225" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/485899_10200854059096277_23462332_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Credit
card companies have algorithms that can flag problematic purchases to
prevent potential fraud or theft. Say you use your card mostly at
Target for groceries or basic household items, and then all of a sudden
your card is on a shopping spree at high end jewelry stores in Beverly
Hills. The credit card company will stop or hold the transaction until
they can verify you are actually the one doing the purchasing. How did
credit card companies know to act? Because a mathematical algorithm
said those jewelry purchases were out of the ordinary from your normal
behavior and something was wrong.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">As tech writer John
Pavely demonstrated on the Huffington Post, in the same way this can be
applied to an algorithm to detect possibly then next James Holmes,
Seung-Hui Cho, or Jared Loughner:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- We know mass
shooters, fit a certain demographic profile, mostly white, exclusively
male, and generally between the ages of 18 to 35.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- We
know mass shooters were not frequent purchasers of firearms and
ammunition until right before their sprees. Unlike normal gun owners
who would have a regular purchasing pattern such as coinciding with
hunting season, gun club memberships, etc.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- We know many
had behavioral problems so add in scripts for anti-depressants or
anti-psychotics, fees for mental health services, admits to psychiatric
hospitals such as Cho, the Virginia Tech killer was just months before
his spree.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- We know many mass shooters were
exceptionally bright but very troubled with many dropping out or
expelled from college prior to their spree. This also included many run
ins with the law or school officials for disruptive or unusual
behavior.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Add in these variables to a predictive
algorithm and it could alert law enforcement and gun sellers to
potential trouble. Take Holmes, the Aurora shooter who was withdrawing
from grad school at Univ. of Colorado, had visits with three mental
health professionals at his school's health service, and bought several
guns including a AR-15 assault rifle and 2 Glock handguns all within
four months of his movie theater rampage. So when Holmes tries to buy
6,000 rounds of ammunition off the Internet the algorithm could shut
that transaction down and force Holmes to demonstrate in-person to a gun
store clerk or police officer that he is indeed of sound mind. Which a
gun club owner in Byers, Colorado most definitely did not when he
rejected Holmes' application for firearm training.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Many
civil libertarians and gun owners will understandably decry how
invasive of privacy this can be but here's the deal, banks and credit
card companies have already perfected and use data mining and share
these predictive algorithms with retailers and marketers to sell you
stuff. And this includes Gov't agencies like Homeland Security and the
FBI to track potential terrorist cells when they buy things like
one-way airline tickets, large quantities of industrial materials that
could be used in a bomb, and you guessed it firearms. But unless the
gun industry can somehow effectively manage to prevent guns from ending
up in the wrong hands, and in lieu of any effective gun control. Data
mining is the least disruptive, cost effective method to separate
lawful gun owners from those about jump off the deep end and do harm.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span></div>
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-75537636809804073032013-02-20T18:40:00.000-08:002013-02-20T18:40:24.165-08:00It's Your Completely Unnecessary Guide to the 2013 Oscars<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><br />
First something of a disclaimer, back in college when I had
something called free time and could engage my cinephile hobby. I would
have seen every movie and performance on this list and could have
given you complete breakdown of each category. But alas adult
responsibility came along now I'm limited to occasional Netflix
and anything playing on basic cable. So in full disclosure I really
haven't seen many of the nominees, BUT that's OK. Because I suspect
many of the actual Oscar voters have not either and at least I have
the integrity to admit it.<br />
<br />
The likelihood of winning is
measured in 'Jack' units or how many Jack Daniels drinks you would
need to consume to get the swagger of Jack Nicholson before appearing
on stage ranging from 0 representing Just Happy To be Here, to
4 meaning grab your sunglasses, smirk, and the thank you list cause
your headed to the podium baby! The 'Jack' units will appear in the ( )
along side nominee and each category ranked most to least likely.<br />
<br />
<strong>BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS</strong><br />
<br />
Anne Hathaway, <em>Les Miserables</em> (4)<br />
Sally Field, <em>Lincoln</em> (3.5)<br />
Helen Hunt, <em>The Sessions</em> (2)<br />
Amy Adams, <em>The Master</em> (1.5)<br />
Jacki Hunt, <em>Silver Linings Playbook</em> (1)<br />
<br />
<br />
Back in 1984, Sally Field became America's sweetheart for her now famous schtick after winning for <em>Places In The Heart</em>
with 'You like me! You really, really like me!' Now its Anne
Hathaway's turn with the 'Oh my Gosh, Oh My Gosh! Can't Believe I Won'
schtick but probably falls short since Taylor Swift has pretty much
patented the 'Oh My Gosh! Oh My Gosh! I can't believe I won....a
People's Choice Award...for actually showing up....with the only other
nominee being Chris Brown'<br />
<span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/602207_10200702983359478_779461211_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<br />
<strong>FUN BONUS FACT #1</strong><br />
Wait
a minute you say, isn't Fields' famous line 'You Love Me! You really,
Really Love Me!' Nope. Similar to Casablanca, where its most memorable
line 'Play It Again Sam' was never actually said in the film and is an
example of mis-remembering before the era of YouTube and 24 hour
'info-tainment' channels.<br />
<br />
<strong>BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR</strong><br />
<br />
Alan Arkin,<em> Argo</em> (3.25)<br />
Robert DeNiro,<em> Silver Linings Playbook</em> (3.25)<br />
Tommy Lee Jones, <em>Lincoln</em> (3.25)<br />
Philip Seymour Hoffman, <em>The Master</em> (1.5)<br />
Christopher Waltz, <em>Django Unchained</em> (1.0)<br />
<br />
This
category features nominees who have all won before and is a toss-up
between Arkin, DeNiro, and Jones that essentially foreshadows of who
will win Best Picture. That is if you believe the theory that Oscars for
acting ride the coattails of whatever will win Best Picture. My theory
is what all three frontrunners have in common is they show up at
awards looking like old curmudgeons about to tell some damn kids to get
off their lawn. Thus the winner is whoever has the sour-puss face that
launches a thousand internet memes. Based on Golden Globes, edge goes
to Jones.<br />
<span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/488132_10200702987279576_1830118346_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<br />
<strong>FUN BONUS FACT #2</strong><br />
Some
people felt Hoffman could be a dark horse, but since his character is
based on L.Ron Hubbard and the film essentially bears a not-so
striking resemblance to Scientology with a not-so-flattering storyline.
In response the <strike>cult</strike> IRS recognized tax exempt religious
organization has used its enormous Hollywood power to black list
Hoffman and ensure that film never sees the light of day. For proof of
their clout just look at how Scientologists made Tom Cruise the
preeminent, most bankable star in the universe....oh...right...that was
15 years ago. Never mind<br />
<br />
<strong>BEST ACTRESS</strong><br />
<br />
Jennifer Lawrence, <em>Silver Linings Playbook</em> (3.75)<br />
Jessica Chastain, <em>Zero Dark Thirty</em> (3.5)<br />
Emmanuelle Riva, <em>Amour</em> (1)<br />
Quvenzhane Wallis, <em>Beasts of the Southern Wilds</em> (0)<br />
Naomi Watts, <em>The Impossible</em> (0)<br />
<br />
Basically
this is a two horse race between Lawrence and Chastain for who will
have the hottest, sweat inducing, 'Holy S**t look at her' outfit of the
night. Early favorite is Lawrence whose red gown last year at made even
gay men tell their straight friends 'Holy Mother of Pearl!'.<br />
<span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/16902_10200702990199649_28861591_n.jpg" /></span> <span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/521337_10200702991079671_716917074_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<br />
On
a related note Lawrence and Chastain are also known as really good
actresses and are also the favorites with Lawrence playing a crazy
person versus Chastain who plays CIA analyst who helped hunt down Bin
Laden. It's a toss-up but Lawrence wins by a bra size and gets to tell
Kristen Stewart she can go ahead and have that MTV movie award and
Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Award for best actress. Because her and Oscar
will be over at the grown-up table discussing future projects.<br />
<br />
<strong>FUN BONUS FACT #3</strong><br />
Most
of the action beforehand will be on the red carpet but discerning
viewers will be tuned to E! to count how many times actors pull Ryan
Seacrest aside asking 'So dude, when Julianne Hough dumps you...I mean
you guys break up for some reason, is it alright if I go out with her?'<br />
<br />
<strong>BEST ACTOR</strong><br />
<br />
Daniel Day Lewis,<em> Lincoln</em> (4)<br />
Bradley Cooper,<em> Silver Linings Playbook</em> (2)<br />
Hugh Jackman, <em>Les Miserables</em> (1)<br />
Denzel Washington, <em>Flight</em> (1)<br />
Jacquin Phoenix, <em>The Master</em> (0)<br />
<br />
Lewis'
method acting is legendary, such as staying in character for the
duration of filming. Lincoln was no different as Lewis reportedly went
to strip clubs in his stove pipe hat asking the ladies if they had ever
met his friends Jefferson and Jackson while making it 'rain' on stage.
Though Lewis is sure lock there were solid other performances such as
Joaquin Phoenix delivering his strongest performance since his last
appearance on Dave Letterman. And Denzel Washington managing to put
cocaine in a positive light while extolling the virtues of flying
commercial jet airplanes while high. And Bradley Cooper will join the
exclusive Hollywood club, one with the few actors who can go toe to toe
with George Clooney when playing the game 'Wait, Did I or did I not
sleep with her?'<br />
<span class="photo "><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/480176_10200703002199949_2107352400_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<br />
<strong>FUN BONUS FACT #4</strong><br />
There
always embarrassing sartorial moments when actresses have roughly the
same dress. Such potential 'Bitch, stole my look' issues this year
include Dakota Fanning and The Olsen Twins, Miley Cyrus and Susan
Powter, along with Jennifer Lopez and a El Camino<br />
<br />
<strong>BEST PICTURE</strong><br />
<em>Argo</em> (3.9999)<br />
<em>Lincoln</em> (3.9998)<br />
<em>Silver Linings Playbook</em> (2)<br />
<em>Zero Dark Thirty</em> (1.5)<br />
<em>Les Miserables</em> (1.5)<br />
<em>Django Unchained</em> (1)<br />
<em>Life of Pi </em>(0.001)<br />
<em>Beasts of the Southern Wilds</em> (0.0001)<br />
<em>Amour</em> (0)<br />
<br />
Early
prognosticators had Lincoln as the runaway favorite but like Geraldo
Rivera in an brothel, climaxed way too soon. Argo was like Carly Rae
Jepsen's sex appeal in that it may not register at first but slowly
grows on you until suddenly you're like 'Wow!' Plus you have to admire
Ben Affleck resurrecting his career like a modern day Lazarus from the
tomb of Gigli. Silver Linings Playbook is the dark horse but being edgy
and funny represents the antonym of typical tone deaf Oscar voter.<br />
<br />
Several of the other films had some noticeable flaws.<br />
-
Zero Dark Thirty was bogged down by controversy around scenes of
torture such as where Jessica Chastain CIA character is out in a hot
desert but at no point is inclined to wear a bikini much to the
consternation of male audiences.<br />
- Les Miserables was accused of
not quite living up to the stage production along with the historians
challenging authenticity noting peasants in 17th century France were
not generally given to break out in song philosophically reflecting
their plight in life while contemplating broad societal implications of
justice, religion, and love within French society, all while they were
literally shoveling shit.<br />
- Life of Pi was deemed a little too fanciful in that a tiger and boy in the same boat generally would not coexist together.<br />
-
Django Unchained was criticized for making light of slavery and racial
tensions and the media nearly had a fainting spell when they learned a
very important figure in cinema had very important objections. But upon
learning it was only Spike Lee the controversy subsided but not enough
to keep Leonardo DiCaprio's from getting snubbed. Apparently someone
in Hollywood is still bitter over Leo being an arrogant prick in the
late 90's<br />
- Amour was foreign which meant no one saw it except 5
hipsters at an alternative theater in Austin, Texas and as of yet no
one has been confirmed to have seen Beasts of the Southern Wilds.<br />
<br />
So
while the smart money says Hollywood will crown Lincoln because it
always loves a good Historical, epic, biographical tale like Ghandi or
Lawrence of Arabia. Enough old, uptight Oscar voters have passed on to
allow something a little more stylish like Argo to sneak through and
claim the prize.<br />
<br />
<strong>FUN BONUS FACT #5</strong><br />
Look
for past Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr. appearing in commercials to
remind any winners who get their trophy by sheer, dumb, serendipitous
luck that in 20 years when your career has crashed and you need cash.
Fast. The helpful people at Cash for Gold can turn that Oscar Gold into
cold hard cash! Show me the money indeed!<br />
<br />
<strong>AND A SUPER BONUS FUN BONUS FACT</strong><br />
Everyone
is expecting a cutting edge, comedy routine from host Seth MacFarlane
but that probably wont happen since Hollywood and celebrities in
general are humorless, lifeless, soulless egomaniacs who are incapable
of laughing at themselves. And I do mean literally incapable because
all the Botox and facelifts make it physically impossible to laugh. But
more likely he'll join Dave Letterman, Jon Stewart, and Ellen
DeGeneres forced to pull punches and hold back resulting in a
disappointing act. And a somewhat partly funny Seth MacFarlane is lot
like a straight thinking, sober Amanda Bynes. Just not that fun.<br />
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-30833733678223357652012-12-31T14:56:00.004-08:002012-12-31T14:56:31.351-08:00It's Your 2012 Rossy Awards!!!!<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><br />
These awards originated out of my fraternity from college, and
celebrated all of our best (or worst) moments drunkenness, debauchery,
and just plain moments of stupidity. Today we're grown up and so to
have The Rossys as we hand out to celebrate best in salacious
achievements throughout the World!<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/564678_10200299869001871_604071439_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<div class="caption">
The Prestigious Rossy</div>
<br />
<strong>The Anthony Weiner Award for best use of a cell phone camera</strong>
- Philadelphia traffic judge William 'Big Willie' Singletary decided
the best way to get out of a impending parking ticket was to show the
meter maid a cell phone picture of his junk and let it do the talking
for him. Needless to say 'Little Willie' was not persuasive enough for
the meter maid who still gave him the ticket or the State of
Pennsylvania who removed him from the bench for lewd conduct.<br />
<br />
<strong>Best Cross Dressing Moment Not Seen On RuPaul's Drag Star</strong> -
A 24 year-old male in Savannah, GA was arrested for a string of car
thefts in the area where he, while dressed in a wig, makeup, and
women's clothing would test drive the car then not return. It was sort
of like Volkswagon's Sign and Drive event except for the part where
(s)he would sign to buy the car. Police found the dude (who looked like
a lady) because he left his driver's license (not in drag) with
his(her) actual address. Though the the car theft crime spree was ended
at only three, as a consolation the Savannah Police spokesman noted
'He actually doesen't make a bad looking woman', so there was that.<br />
<br />
<strong>Best Law Enforcement Moment Not Seen on 'Cops'</strong> - A
27 year-old woman in Middletown, CT called police to report she had
been a victim of fraud. Namely that was she given given the
anti-depressant Seroquel instead of the pain-killer Percocet from some
local teens during an illegal prescription drug transaction. Shortly
afterwards as local police were announcing a major bust of a
prescription pain-killer traffiking ring run by local teens, they noted
it all started with a non-rhetorical question 'What are you high?'<br />
<br />
<strong>Best Culinary Moment Not Captured On The Food Network</strong>
- A man upset over the long wait for his food order at a Denny's
restaurant in San Antonio, TX decided to voice his dissatisfaction by
going one step further than just speaking with the manager but setting
fire to the Christmas tree in the lobby and subsequently burning down
the restaurant. No one was hurt but said arsonist did get away
presumably without ever getting his Grand Slam breakfast with a side
bacon that he just had to have. Food writers noted that the best step
to avoid slow service and poor food was choosing not to eat at a
Denny's in the first place.<br />
<br />
<strong>Best Sports Moment Not Captured on ESPN</strong> - Detroit
Red Wings minor league hockey prospect Riley Sheahan was arrested in
Grand Rapids, MI for drunk driving with a blood alcohol level of .31
which was over three times the legal limit. However more concerning to
the Red Wings organization was he arrested while dressed in a full size
teletubby suit as the character Tinky Winky plus the fact it wasn't
even Halloween.<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/268481_10200299879042122_765085953_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<br />
<strong>The Willard Scott Award for most akward weather forecast moment</strong>
- On February 19, the weather forecast in Britain was its fairly,
usual dismal self with snow in Scotland and northern England, and near
freezing tempratures for Wales and Southern England. And of course rain
everywhere, since when does it not rain on the British Isles. For BBC1
10:00 newscast, weatherman Alex Deakin summed it all up as
'bucketloads of c**t' (which in polite circles is referred to as 'C yoU
Next Tuesday'). On a possibly related note many pubescent
teenagers were seen outside after the forecast, looking upward and
asking if anyone see it yet?<br />
<br />
<strong>The Best Moment In Drunken Hookup Failure</strong> - Police
in Panama City, FL were called to a home by a 15 year-old girl who
dialed 911 because her 36 year old Mom was having sex too loudly with
her new boyfriend in the next room. No charges were filed since there
no statute for anything that falls under the <em>'Ewww, that's gross</em>' realm and complainant's mother had already been advised to 'get a room' at the bar earlier.<br />
<br />
<strong>The Happy Hour Went An Hour Too Long Award</strong> - A man
in Hull, England angry for being tossed out of a bar for smoking
decided to express his anger to management by returning an hour later
with a running chainsaw. In what could only be described as one hell of
a nicotine fit, the gentleman smoker managed to reduce most of the
pub's fine Oak paneled bar top to a pile of firewood in the span of
about five minutes before police could arrive to stop the 'English Pub
Chainsaw Massacre'. Afterward friends of the chainsaw bandit noted they
were always a little hesitant to bum a cigarette off him.<br />
<br />
<strong>Best Fight (Non-Drinking Category)</strong> - Three daycare
workers in Dover, DE were arrested for running a fight club in the day
care using pre-schoolers as combatants and included actual betting on
the victors. In a related note, the same workers were also nominated
for the Worst People Ever award.<br />
<br />
<strong>Best Fight (Drinking Category)</strong> - British MP (Member
of Parliament) Eric Joyce was banned from the pub inside the House of
Commons and fined 3,000 pounds after headbutting a fellow MP in a
disagreement over Scottish politics which ironically in Scottish
parlance is also known as a 'Glasgow handshake'. Political commentators
and pundits disagreed on the potential fallout for Mr.Joyce since the
incident involved two of the three things Scottish love: drinking,
fighting, and soccer.<br />
<br />
<strong>Best Beat Down by a fictional character</strong> - In
Seattle a intoxicated man was beaten up by a group of little people
dressed as Leprechauns for dancing with one their women (a banshee
perhaps?) and annoyingly asking them where he could find a pot of gold.
The insuing brawl left the full sized man bloody and bruised and said
leprechauns disappeared into the June night possibly by hopping a
rainbow back to Ireland. General Mills confirmed Lucky the Leprechaun
from their Lucky Charms had not gone rogue and the grumpy old troll
from Dora the Explorer also had an alibi. So the biggest mystery is
what leprechauns were doing in Seattle in Summer, so in response police
advised revelers downtown 'Be Wary Ye Travelers'<br />
<br />
<strong>Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity</strong> - In
the supply and demand economics of marijuana sales, a parolee in
Florence, SC found himself with a common problem among drug dealers,
what happens when you have too much product? His solution was to offer
the excess bud to his cell phone contacts. Among those in his contact
list offered a good deal on the weed was the man's parole officer, who
accepted the offer to score some discounted weed sent some police
officers over to complete the transaction and the arrest which violated
his parole and sent him back to prison.<br />
<br />
<strong>The John McEnroe Anger Management Award</strong> - A man in
Newport, VT after being released from jail for arrests on drug
possession and resisting arrest decided he still had some unfinished
business with police. Still fuming over his arrest the man returned to
the station with a monster truck and proceeded to smash all 7 of the
department's patrol cars before speeding off in something right out of a
monster truck show. Police were unable to mount a pursuit because all
of the patrol cars were completely destroyed. In quite possibly the
understatement of the year, a resident named 'bigfoot' when interviewed
by Howard Stern radio show described the assailant as 'one crazy
motherfucker'<br />
<br />
<strong>Best Riot (Not involving European Soccer fans or a Chuck E Cheese)</strong>
- Sending out e-vites on Facebook can be quite convenient. For a 16
year old teen in Haren, Netherlands whose parents were going out of
town, seemed like a good idea to invite a few friends over for some
beer and typical teenager hijinks. Unfortunately she accidentally made
the e-vite public as in ALL of Facebook and teenagers being teenagers
(which is to say being assholes just for the sake of being assholes)
made it a point to spread news of the party to as many people as
possible on social media dubbing it Project X similar to the movie.<br />
<br />
The end result was 6,000 people showed up for the intimate gathering
at the girl's house. When told to leave, the crowd took the party
elsewhere, mainly to the town square where the party devolved into
looting, arson, and ultimately a drunken confrontation with a hundred
riot police. When the night was over 34 people were arrested, several
injured, and several hundred thousand dollars damage. Not to mention the
16 year old whose party invite started it found herself being in
REALLY, REALLY REALLY big trouble with her parents.<br />
<br />
<strong>The Charlie Sheen Award for epic achievement in partying</strong>
- The German Men's field hockey team decided to celebrate a Gold medal
in the London Olympics by renting out a party boat to cruise the River
Thames. Apparently the resulting party was host to some serious bro
antics because the German team got a damage bill for 630,000 British
pounds. Among the damages were stains from champagne (among other
things), holes burned in the apostrophe from cigars, and literally a
ton of broken glass from beer bottles. Plus the German ingratiated
themselves to their British hosts by urinating in the river and there
may or may not have been prostitutes on board.<br />
<br />
<strong>The Fly The Friendly Skies Award</strong> - VietJet airlines
(when you want to fly Vietnam in style!) was fined a whopping 20
million dong (actually it's only $960 in American dollars) for staging a
bikini/strip show on a flight from Ho Chi Minh City to Nha Trang. The
impromptu strip show was not normally part of the flight though many
passengers would consider an upgrade over stale peanuts. The Rossy
committee would like to acknowledge that fact Vietnam's currency is
named 'dong' when combined with any sort of element of stripping is
guaranteed comedy.<br />
<br />
<strong>The Silvio Burlusconi Award for best in politician hootenanny</strong>
- Wang Minsheng, head of the Communist Party of the Lijiang povince in
China saw his budding career come to abrupt halt after tweeting
pictures of himself involved in a six person orgy. Reportedly in
addition to the disgrace of resigning, Wang had to endure people who
would hum the classic 80's song 'Everybody WANG Chung tonight....'
whenever he was around.<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/65043_10200299888882368_563051600_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<div class="caption">
Most.Unnattractive.Orgy.Ever</div>
<br />
<strong>The Biggest, Most Massive Twitter #FAIL of the Year</strong>
- In our new category this year, the Rossy committee introduces the
biggest Twitter #FAIL of the year. In what arguably is the most
competitive category seeing as millions of people on Twitter and
everyday so many managing to make themselves look like a twat for
tweeting something stupid. It truly takes a tweet of unbelievable
ignorance, ego, or vapidity or some combination of all three to truly
claim this award.<br />
<br />
This year we recognize @CelebBoutique who sent out this tweet an hour
after the Aurora, CO mass shooting at a movie theater that killed 12
people:<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="160" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/207732_10200299892402456_1020476855_n.jpg" width="400" /></span><br />
<div class="caption">
Someone forgot to check the news before tweeting</div>
<br />
AND FINALLY WITHOUT FURTHER ADO...<br />
<br />
<strong>The Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee of 2012</strong> - The good
people of Kingston, Ontario like to kick off the Holidays with the
Eastern Ontario Santa Claus Festival. A joyous event featuring hot
chocolate, Christmas trees, and of course a parade featuring the big
man himself. However this year the Grinch made an unannounced visit in
the form of a 24 year-old intoxicated man who dressed up as Satan
complete with spikey hair for horns. This grinch then went around to
every kid he saw and broke the news there actually is no Santa Claus
and topped it off by running onto the parade and flipping Santa the
middle finger during the parade.<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="225" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/538628_10200299894002496_1697662497_n.jpg" width="400" /></span><br />
<div class="caption">
Police update</div>
<br />
In this modern adaptation of the Grinch, he gets arrested for
drunk and disorderly conduct. However, no charges can make up for
destroying the Christmas dreams of dozens of little kids in Eastern
Ontario. For this however please join the Rossy committee as we applaud
this fine act of debauchery as he joins other notable winners in this
circle of honor:<br />
<br />
2011 - Charlie Sheen for WINNING<br />
2010 - Man who masturbated to a Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit issue in the magazine aisle at Wal-Mart in Florida.<br />
2009 - Man in Cairns, Australia who broke into sex shops and 'utilized' sex dolls then put them back in the box<br />
2008 - Ernest Borgnine who told Fox and Friends on live television the secret to longevity was masturbating a lot.<br />
<br />
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-58518719940082785462012-12-18T15:24:00.001-08:002012-12-18T15:33:11.640-08:0012 Days of Christmas, Curse of the Reply All Button, and how The Roadrunner explains the election<div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>First off, on a serious note</b>
- Most of you who know me or read me know my blog is primarily driven
with some current events, some data wonkery, but mostly levity and
humor. Obviously after the horrific tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut at
Sandy Hook Elementary there is no way to even attempt any humor but I
feel before proceeding with my usual gluttony of snark I wanted express
my prayers and condolences to those families who lost loved ones in
the massacre.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Working in public health I tend to view mass shootings through the
lense of an Epidemiologist or Sociologist. Which is to say studying the
interaction of several factors that combine to create this tragedy and
treat it as a public health problem. What these crimes represent is the
lethal intersection of two things: people with serious, untreated
mental illness who have easy availability to lethal firearms. I could
write a thesis but here are just a few quick thoughts:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- We can call the shooter crazy because nobody in their right mind
wakes up one day and says casually 'Hmm.. you know what I feel like
doing today? Killing a lot small kids.' What separates Adam Lanza and
the 27 other previous mass shooters from say a mafia hitman is that
that the mafioso kills with a specific intent and purpose. Plus that
purpose is rational (bump off competition, kill a informant, etc.).
Plus the mob had a code, no killing of women, children, or innocents.
Not saying it's morally right, just saying it's rational. These no mass
shooters on the other hand had no rational basis for what they did.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- We have a mental health problem in this country because we lack a
sufficient mental healthcare system in this country. Our choice is to
create an extensive mental health safety net through expanding Medicaid
and mandating private insurance coverage for it. Yes that involves
higher taxes and premiums, but the alternative is the societal cost of
lives lost in mass shootings like the Sandy Hook massacre by lunatics
where a mental health safety net could have intervened and prevented
them from harming others.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- We need to destigmatize mental illness. Just as someone can't help
having the Genetic diseases or Cancer, neither can someone help having
Bi-Polar depression or personality disorder. Why view mental healthcare
different from regular healthcare?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- People collectively in what I call the American gun culture
(sellers, manufacturers, and owners) need to understand we can no
longer pretend that the erosion of gun control over the past 20 years
which facilitated easy accessibility to powerful firearms without any
accountability where they end up did not play any role in this tragedy.
The gun industry has pushed for laws which make getting high powered
firearms and ammunition easier than getting Advil Cold and Sinus. They
also wanted repeal of the Assault Weapon Ban, they got it, but an
unintended consequence is the mentally deranged and criminals having
access to semi-automatic weapons to commit violence. The gun industry
bears some responsibility in how those weapons are used.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- To all the armchair commandos stating if we simply arm all
Americans with concealed weapons in public we can stop mass shootings.
To a non-gun owner that sounds like a extraordinarily idiotic idea.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- The biggest threat to responsible gun owners may end up being the
Nat'l Rifle Association (NRA) itself. For the past 30 years it has
turned into a conspiracy factory ginning up fear and paranoia among gun
owners for the profit and gain of gun manufacturers. It's also been
the most powerful lobbying presence in Congress.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- However post Sandy Hook feels like a paradigm shift or tipping
point because the NRA will be going up against a much more powerful
group: The Mom lobby. There's going to be a conversation about gun
violence after this incident so the gun industry would be wise to
choose their words and pick their battles very carefully, because now
might be a good time to compromise on a few things. Finally to quote
Dennis Miller: 'Of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>It Is Now Officially Impossible To Have An Affair</b> -
Remember when they said technology would make life less complicated and
more simpler? Try telling that to Gen. David Petraeus who had to
resign as head of the CIA over an affair which was discovered through
what else? e-mail. When our head spy, the man in charge of keeping the
nation's secrets can't even keep his own affair secret we can now
pronounce 'in the 21st Century it is impossible to have an affair so
let's not even try'. It also doesn't help when your lover (who is not
your wife) threatens another woman (who also not your wife) because
she's perceived as getting too friendly. Who would've thought a
participant in an affair would lack self-control?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="239" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/563800_10200227032701009_312845547_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></span><br />
<div class="caption">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">(Petraeus Flowchart if you need it)</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>FUN BONUS FACT</b> - All things considered, Petraeus
was doing a good job as CIA director and some thought he should not
have to resign simply due to a sex scandal. If you want to know how
uptight Americans are about sex, there is a legendary story among
people in the intelligence community about the time the Soviets tried
to blackmail a French Ambassador in Berlin, Germany during the Cold
War. Presented with photos of himself in an compromising position
during an affair, the French Ambassador was told to either spill
sensitive information to the KGB or risk having the photos released to
the French media and his wife. Without missing a beat, the Ambassador
replies 'Well then I'll take one of these, and two of those. And send
this one to the media, it has my good side.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>When Bad 'Reply All' Things Happens To Good People</b> -
Microsoft announced for its new e-mail package Outlook it will allow
the option to disable the 'Reply All' button. This is welcome news to
anyone in an office because nothing pisses off co-workers than getting
20 unwanted responses to an mass e-mail because people hit 'Reply All'
instead of just 'Reply' to the original sender. It's also good news for
an New York University (NYU) student who replying to an standard
administration e-mail (RE:Opting Out of Your 1098T') about tax forms
accidentally hit Reply All...as in all 39,979 NYU students.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In what became known around University circles as 'The
Replyallcalypse' many of the other recipients decided to do what any
college student with ample free time, beer, and keyboard would do..be a
dick and hit Reply All to give their two cents. Replies varied from
Nicolas Cage film clips, asking to borrow everything from movies, to
pencils, to weed and finally ending in death threats to whomever
Replied All again. It got so out of hand that NYU had to shut down
their e-mail server until it could delete the Reply All responses and
disable it from being used mass e-mails.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Now that Fantasy Football is over, it's time for an new fantasy league</b>
- I'd like to submit my idea for the Fantasy Celebrity Arrest League. A
fun game adults and children can play and unlike football will last
all year long! It works like this, you and your friends pick a starter
celebrity like you would for various football positions from various
categories of entertainment who are most likely to get arrested or do
something stupid. When they do you earn points and whoever has the most
points at the end of the year wins...absolutely nothing...except the
glory of being able to predict human behavior. So here's how my fantasy
celebrity roster would look like:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Actress: Amanda Bynes (back-up Lindsay Lohan)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Actor: Gary Busey (back-up Charlie Sheen)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Comedian: Katt Williams (back-up Andy Dick)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Singer: Chris Brown (back-up LeAnn Rimes)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Athlete: Ryan Leaf (back-up Pacman Jones)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Reality Star: Steve O from JackAss, (any cast member from Jersey Shore)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Team category: Real Housewives Of Orange County</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Don't Look Now, But Nazism May Be Making a Comeback In Europe</b>
- Over in Greece which has been on the verge of economic collapse
since financial crisis they recently had an election and a political
party called the Golden Dawn won 7% of the popular vote. That normally
would not be cause for concern except it would be the American
equivalent of a Ku Klux Klan or Neo-Nazi Party winning 7% of
Congressional seats. As documented in GQ by Chris Heath, when not
running for election The Golden Dawn members in their free time enjoy
the ethnic cleansing of various neighborhoods in Greek cities by
burning down the homes of non-Greek immigrants and intimidating them to
flee. Which is much like infamous Nazi 'brown shirts' or Sturmabteiling
in who did the same to Jewish neighborhoods in pre-war Germany.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And here are some other disturbing similarities to Pre-War Germany:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Golden Dawn attracts many young members where Greeks under 25 where unemployment is over 50%</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Their flag bears an eerie resemblance to the Nazi Schwastica</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Their growth feeds off the economic upheaval in Greece</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- They like to scapegoat Greece's immigrant community for all the country's troubles</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Greece is not exactly known for political stability creating
opportunity for fringe groups to seize power. If other parts of Europe
go downhill economically like Greece this new strain of facism could
spread like a virus.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/528291_10200227035541080_1108640858_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Let's hope those who do not learn from history will not necessarily be able to repeat it</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>In Case You Did Not Already Hate that brat from 'Two And a Half Men'</b>
- August T. Jones the <strike>lucky little bastard</strike> child star chosen to
play the half part in 'Two and Half Men' recently on Christian web
video called his own show filth and implored people not to watch
because it would corrupt their mind. Of course later after a talk from
Uncle 'Charlie' about what happens when you bite the hand that feeds
you, Jones quickly walked back his comments. Considering he makes
$250,000 an episode to be the straight men to Ashton Kutcher's comedic
genius (written with obvious sarcastic sneer) August Jones just showed
why increasing taxes on Millionaires next year is politically
expedient.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>When Economists Have Too Much Time On Their Hands</b> -
A senior analyst from PNC Bank from actually sat down and calculated
what it would cost to buy the items from 'The 12 Days of Christmas'.
His estimated tally was $104,000 most of which could be attributed to
the '5 Golden Rings' given the skyrocketing cost of gold. Other
academics were quick to point out flaws in his study such as the '9
dancers dancing', is that regular folk dancers, or strippers? For the
'8 Maids a Milking', is that regular cow milking or 8 prostitutes
dressed a German farm girl to do some 'milking' (wink, wink, nudge,
nudge). And would the '6 Swans a Swimming' include someone to clean up
all the poop? And what in the hell exactly is a 'partridge in a pear
tree?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">This really goes to show that in statistical modeling of price estimation, unexplained variance is a real bitch.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>How The Roadrunner Explains the Obama's Re-Election</b> -
People of a certain age might remember the the Roadrunner cartoons
from the Looney Tunes shows. This was where Wile E. Coyote was always
trying to nab the swift, elusive Roadrunner for dinner and no matter
how complicated or elaborate, the Roadrunner always managed to elude
the traps erected for him and leaving it to blow up in the face of Wile
and also helps explains the Obama victory over Romney.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/548845_10200227039341175_2140360787_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Historically speaking it is very hard to unseat a sitting President
running for re-election. Only three times in the last century has an
once-elected President running for re-election (so not counting Ford)
been denied a second term (Hoover '36, Carter '80, Bush Sr. '92). What
all three had in common was a dismal Nat'l economy so it made sense to
think Romney (Wiley E. Coyote) lying in wait with that giant boulder
would roll right over an unsuspecting Obama (The Roadrunner). But
instead election night Obama simply let the boulder wrap right around
and crash back into Romney and his Billionaire backers. Here's why:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">1.Money Can't Buy Elections - Republicans thought Citizens United court
case which overturned campaign finance reform would allow them to use
unlimited money mainly from Billionaires and corporations to buy
themselves Congress and the White House. However, as blogger Gregg
Easterbrook noted a candidate with good ideas and organization is far
more potent than a blank check.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/68685_10200227041661233_713261632_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>beep, beep</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">2.A little too cocky - Much like Coyote thinks his traps are
foolproof, Karl Rove thought carpet bombing the airwaves in swing states
would destroy Obama. Instead Rove failed to understand that in the era
of the DVR, most people will fast-forward right through them because
no one really watches TV in real time anymore. And those without DVR's
simply drown out the commercials since they've become so bad they're
almost self-parodies. Instead Obama put their money into grassroots
organization and Get Out The Vote efforts which were the difference
maker in Ohio, Florida, and Virginia.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/156292_10200227043501279_1102556315_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>beep, beep</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">3.Voter suppression blew up in their face - At the state level
especially the swing ones like Pennsylvania and Florida, GOP passed
voter ID laws thinking it would curtail minorities from voting because
of flawed thinking that minorities were less likely to have driver's
licenses. Instead this had the opposite effect, as it motivated
minorities even more to vote, evidenced by people who waited 8 hours in
minority areas of Miami essentially giving the middle finger to
Florida Gov. Rick Scott. Meanwhile the voting bloc the GOP needed to
vote, the elderly often had difficulty voting because many do not drive
and no longer have licenses to show as ID.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/524935_10200227044701309_244006527_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>beep, beep</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">4.Data Analysts outperformed political consultants - While Romney
relied on expensive political consultants to craft negative TV
advertising with outlandish themes. Obama had two secret weapons, data
mining where you cull through millions and millions of consumer records
to find trends and predictive modeling where you use those trends to
design advertising to achieve maximum effect. The result is when Obama
did do TV advertising it was brutally effective, like the one showing
Romney singing 'America the Beautiful' embarrassingly offkey as a
backdrop while facts about his record at Bain Capital which shipped tons
of jobs overseas and hid money in the Caribbean scroll across the
screen. Romney never recovered from that one</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/548649_10200227047741385_848493972_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i>beep, beep</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Keep your eye on the fiscal cliff negotiations and disregard what
the pundits say on who won, who lost meme. Because most likely it will
end with Obama telling House Republicans afterward...'beep, beep
motherfuckers!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/282862_10200227060781711_1954090731_n.jpg" /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span></div>
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-64350224359747059782012-11-07T14:59:00.004-08:002012-11-07T14:59:38.802-08:00Six Stats That Explain the 2012 election<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Here are six quick hits I got out of the election and I'll keep it
brief since most people like me are probably sick of it and ready to
move on:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>61%</strong> - That was the percentage of the White vote
needed by Romney to win the election. When exit polls showed him only at
59% and having only 28% of the Latino vote I know he was toast. The GOP
can no longer be the party catering to old white men.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>18</strong> - The number of female Senators that will be
present when Congress convenes next January which represents the most
ever in American history and spells beginning of the end of white male
privilege in this country. I also believe having more women in the upper
chamber may finally break partisan gridlock since women always seem to
be more likely to collaborate.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>67%</strong> - The number of single, unmarried women who
voted for Obama and sent a very loud message to male lawmakers: We can
govern our bodies without your help thank you very much. Republican
Senate losses in Indiana, Missouri, and North Dakota which were supposed
to be easy wins can all be attributed to their candidates extreme views
on abortion and reproductive rights.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>59%</strong> - The percentage of people aged 18 to 29 who
voted for Obama. Chuck Todd NBC analyst noted 'this election all comes
down to three things: demographics, demographics, demographics'. I
normally think about 60% of what Chuck Todd says is complete garbage but
as a demographer myself he is absolutely right. As mentioned above,
when you factor in the Non-White gap, gender gap, and age gap the GOP is
sitting on a demographic timebomb and in about 10 to 20 years time may
find themselves going the way of the Whig Party.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>32</strong> - The number of consecutive Statewide ballot
losses gay marriage equality proponents accumulated up until yesterday
when Maine, Maryland, Washington affirmed gay marriage while Minnesota
shot down a anti-gay marriage amendment. The tide has officially turned
on marriage equality and in ten years Chick Fil'A will really wish they
hadn't donated all that money to virulent Anti-Gay groups.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>$6 Billion</strong> - The amount of money spent by outside
groups (10 to 1 in favor of the GOP) on the election. What did that
money buy: Loss in Presidential election and net loss of 3 Senate seats.
You don't have to be a business person to know that a horrible return
on investment. It's good to know money still can't buy you elections.
Though it's still probably a good idea to get a Constitutional Amendment
barring corporate influence in our electoral process.</span><br />
<br />everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-70365677718078017022012-11-01T18:47:00.003-07:002012-11-01T18:47:48.699-07:00How Hurricanes are Great for Brainstorming (A Few Lessons Learned from Sandy)<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><br />
If you've ever dealt with a hurricane you know it can be the
most excruciating 24 to 48 hours you'll ever experience. The sound of
winds pounding your house and not knowing if the next gust of wind will
be the one that peels back your roof, sends a tree through your house,
or water through your basement. Whether if the power goes out how long
will it take to come back on.<br />
<br />
Thankfully we got through unscathed but many parts of the East Coast
did not. That time period you spend in a hurricane can get you thinking
about a lot of the important stuff. Like how could one storm knock
entire region of the US on its ass. Here are some lessons learned:<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/536446_4891740213854_1290043959_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<div class="caption">
Seaside Heights</div>
<br />
<strong>Global Warming Is Real and it's Already Happening</strong> -
Prior to Hurricane Irene last year it had been 60 years since the
Northeast was hit with a major storm. And there was perhaps a false
sense of security that hurricanes were about as rare to the actual
Jersey shore as sobriety was to the cast of MTV's 'The Jersey Shore'. I
won't get too climate wonky here but there were two things that
essentially protected the Northeast from violent storms.<br />
<br />
First, the ocean temperature around the Jersey shore/Northeast was
colder than down South. While this didn't always make for good swimming,
it did provide a barrier since hurricanes need warm water to thrive
and most storms simply fizzled out before reaching the Big Apple much
like Tim Tebow. Second, the jet stream was like a good wing man at the
bar, always helping to deflect any problem storms out to sea and pawn
them off to the unsuspecting Canadian Maritime provinces.<br />
<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/s720x720/426189_4891772854670_550157763_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<div class="caption">
That's About Right</div>
Now with ocean temperatures rising and melting arctic ice causing
the jet stream to shift, those protections are now gone. While
scientists, can't 100% prove it was global warming, 2 hurricanes in 2
years should lead to an obvious culprit.<br />
<br />
<strong>Ronald Reagan might have been wrong</strong> - Just as
they're no atheists in a foxhole, there really are no small Government
libertarians in a natural disaster. While Reagan said the scariest
phrase he ever heard was 'I'm from the Gov't and I'm here to help',
these past few days these that phrase to many people meant lifesaving
help was on the way. While a lot of things Federal and State Gov't do
is debatable, disaster response and emergency management should not be
one of them. Why having things like FEMA (Federal Emergency Management
Agency) is even controversial is beyond me. Every state in the Union is
susceptible to some sort of natural disaster whether its tornadoes in
the Midwest, Earthquakes on the West Coast, wildfires in Mountain West,
or Texas in and of itself. No one is bigger than nature and I find it
amusing all these rugged individualists are the first ones to complain
when Gov't left them to their own devices and now find themselves in a
World of s**t.<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/60702_4891742853920_1191107868_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<div class="caption">
Helping evacuate including pets</div>
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/s720x720/396346_4891748614064_77352550_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<div class="caption">
Jersey City</div>
<br />
<strong>Wouldn't It Be a Good Idea To Bury Powerlines?</strong> -
Although the show 'Revolution' is riddled with more plotholes than
swiss cheese, it's basic premise is correct that society without
reliable electricity will inevitably collapse. So why not bury our
powerlines like we do with water, gas, sewer, and cable lines? Much of
the power outages are result of trees falling on power lines so why not
just bury the powerlines if trees are around. Because of Sandy people
are looking in upwards of a week or more without electricity, while a
minor inconvenience for people who can't access internet porn. But for
hospitals, schools, businesses, first responders, etc. electricity is
kinda of needed.<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/548955_4891758534312_680307191_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<div class="caption">
The Power of Sharing</div>
<br />
And while were' at it, why not completely revamp our National
electricity grid seeing as it dates back to the 50's and is rapidly
deteriorating and becoming obsolete. Or perhaps embrace alternate forms
of energy like solar and wind. One thing that won't run out in a
hurricane is wind powered electricity.<br />
<br />
<strong>America needs to rediscover its love of civil engineering</strong>
- Infrastructure isn't sexy. Does a politician score points with
voters by saying they overhauled an old sewer system or built a
new bridge to alleviate traffic? Nope but when we lose it or it
suddenly fails (ie: St.Paul, MN bridge collapse, New Orleans levy
failure, etc.) it becomes disastrous for everyone. Remember when we
used to build great, cutting edge public works projects like bridges,
tunnels, airports, mass transit, and the Interstate freeway system?
This contributed to the common good by allowing easy flow of goods,
people, and most importantly ideas between places. Yes, it cost money
but in the end we all benefited because things like running water,
sewers, and public transportation all contributed to increased quality
of life.<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/384845_4891750614114_1423526458_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<div class="caption">
Lower Manhattan Subway</div>
While the Dutch may be more known for legalized weed, prostitution,
and really good beer. It's their system of levies, canals, and dams
which effectively tamed the North Sea that is a true engineering marvel.
Notice the Dutch only fret about storm surges when they're being
sarcastic about storm coverage in the US and stoned out of their gord:
'ohhh..noo...the water gonna get us (feigning panic)...quick get my
clodhoppers...I may have to swim to the red light district! (to loads of
laughter)....hey where'd my joint go?'<br />
<br />
Since sea levels are expected to rise and it only took a nine foot
wall of water to bring Lower Manhattan to its knees. Perhaps learning
from the Dutch at how they planned Amsterdam, we can implement for New
York, Atlantic City, and other low-lying shore points to prevent the
flooding that occurred during Sandy.<br />
<br />
<strong>Isn't it kinda of stupid to build luxury homes right on the beach?</strong>
- The largest monetary damage to come from this storm will be all the
luxury homes that have cluttered the entire Jersey shore and
sit unoccupied for most of the year except summer to be rented out one
week at a time at exorbitant prices (for contrast see Outer Banks, NC).
These gawdy, overbuilt palaces often exceed $1 million dollars and now
after Sandy are essentially floating in the bottom of the ocean or
reduced to a large wood pile. Their owners will obviously want to
rebuild but not by private insurance but using Federal disaster funds
since most insurers figured out long ago homes built on a beach make
really inviting targets for Mother Nature thus not wise to cover.<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/s720x720/544938_4891752934172_249072100_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<div class="caption">
North Wildwood (or what's left of it)</div>
<br />
But before that happens we have to utilize a concept called smart
growth, where any new construction should be built in harmony with
natural surroundings and sustainable which means stop building
homes in low-lying flood prone areas. And if the real estate developers
insist on having properties with a waterfront view, then create
construction codes mandating it have certain amenities like being able
to withstand 100mph plus winds and being elevated above any potential
storm surge level. Oh yeah one other little thing, mandate owners of
said homes must either have flood insurance or ability to pay for it out
of pocket if destroyed. Because it not fair to taxpayers that they
must now subsidize a beach house where a hotshot Wall Street exec can
sneak off to snort coke off a hooker's ass while his wife tends to his
real house in North Jersey or Long Island.<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/149838_4891755254230_66517343_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<div class="caption">
Long Beach Island</div>
<br />
<strong>The human spirit is alive and well</strong> - While East
Coasters are often stereotyped as being gruff, inpatient, and kinda
dickish. It took me only one week after moving from Ohio to
Philadelphia to learn that the stereotype was actually..well...sort of
accurate. But this week for every story of heartbreak there's a story
of people helping out their fellow humanity. Even as many areas are
still without power, society has not descended into chaos with rioting
and looting everywhere. Instead people have largely banded together to
help each other get through these trying times.<br />
<br />
If one thing this storm has taught all of us is that we are all in
this together. And only by working together can we all survive and
prosper as many instead of merely get by as an individual. Perhaps no
greater example than the NICU nurses of NYU Hospital who when the power
went out carried 20 sick babies down nine flights of stairs. Many of
these babies were dependent on respirators so nurses manually supplied
oxygen while huddling these babies in warm blankets down darkened
stairwells and hallways to waiting ambulances and stayed with them until
they reached safety at other hospitals.<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/292739_4891756654265_503892795_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<div class="caption">
NYU NICU Nurses</div>
<br />
There are thousands of these stories like this around the
Mid-Atlantic region. Many selfless heroes who when confronted with an
unimaginable situation rose to the occasion for themselves and their
fellow human beings. They say adversity doesn't build character it but
instead reveals it. So I can proudly say my adopted home State of New
Jersey has plenty of it.<br />
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-63154596032820166882012-10-24T18:16:00.000-07:002012-10-24T18:16:01.834-07:00If I moderated the Debate (Or 16 Questions That Should Have Been Asked but Weren't)<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><br />
Anyone else feel like they are not getting out of the debates
what informed voters would like to know? Since all the Beltway pundits
along with the moderators they spawn all reside in a reality proof
bubble called Washington DC seem to be completely out of touch with
what real people need and want to hear from Presidential candidates.
I'm imagining myself moderating the first debate so Jim Lehrer can go
take a nap:<br />
<br />
'Good evening ladies and gentleman and welcome to the debate to end all debates.<br />
Here are the ground rules:<br />
<br />
First, this will reality fact-based debate<br />
<br />
Second, if anyone goes over the time limit I will politely ask you
to stop. If the candidates proceed to talk over the limit, Shirley a DMV
employee from the state of New Jersey will come on stage and admonish
you to "shut yo' damn mouth and open yo' damn ears."<br />
<br />
Third, there will be continuous fact checking and at the end a dwarf
(sorry meant little person) dressed up in fireman's outfit will douse
the candidate with the most untruthful arguments in green slime while
yelling 'Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire!'<br />
<br />
Lastly, there will be no questions regarding gay marriage, abortion,
or anything dubbed the culture war. Since its time for the grown-ups
of the country to have a discussion therefore the Religious Right can
go to bed now. And speaking for the majority of thinking people, we're
over it already.<br />
<br />
And now let us begin:<br />
<br />
<strong>1. How did 'Change We Can Believe In' become 'Change I guess we sort, kinda, gradually believe in?</strong><br />
First off Mr.President, who are you and what have you done with
Barack Obama? I know Donald Trump questions your birth certificate but
I'm questioning whether you were replaced by one of pod people in
Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Any explanation for why you looked like
you've been strung out on Xanax the past four years?<br />
<br />
Follow-up: If elected to a second term will you develop any sort of
testicular fortitude when legislation gets obstructed by Congressional
Republicans?<br />
<br />
<strong>2. About that tape where Romney calls 47% of Americans cheapskates</strong><br />
Gov. Romney, as we all now have seen the infamous '47%' tape. Would
you like to this opportunity to show the American public that you are
not a rich, craven asshole?<br />
<br />
follow-up: So does it fill you with pity or rage when an elderly person needs Social Security?<br />
<br />
<strong>3. Why has there not been any accountability on Wall Street for the economic crash in 2008?</strong><br />
Mr.President, many economists called for reinstating
the Glass-Steagall Act of 1933 which prevented banks from using
depositors money to make risky investments but was repealed in 1998 and
eventually allowed the sub-prime crisis to happen. But you allowed
lobbyists to write the financial reform bill and prevented any real
reform. Are 'Too Big To Fail Banks' to big for Gov't to control? Or put
more bluntly do big banks now OWN Gov't?<br />
<br />
<strong>4. Why do the rich need even more tax cuts?</strong><br />
Gov. Romney, you said the key to stimulating the economy as lowering
tax rates for the wealthy Americans and big corporations. However
corporate profits are at one of their all time highest, the New York
Stock Exchange is peaking at over 10,000 and upper tier income taxes
are that their all-time lowest. If that's the case technically we
should be drowning in jobs but were not, so doesn't that prove the
Trickle Economic theory is complete bullshit?<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="350" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/391715_4845783464964_885944182_n.jpg" width="400" /></span><br />
follow-up: Governor, would you mind passing me the Grey Poupon? ....just messing with you...please sit down<br />
<br />
<strong>5. Healthcare</strong><br />
Mr.President, will you for the first time actually explain your
healthcare plan since you actually dodged it in 2010 elections causing a
bloodletting in your party and Americans still don't know how it
works.<br />
<br />
And Governor, Obamacare was essentially was the exact same design as
Romneycare so why was it good enough for Massachusetts but not for the
country?<br />
<br />
<strong>6.The Romney Economic Plan</strong><br />
Gov. Romney you promised $5 Trillion in tax cuts but still have a
balanced budget. Now economists have noted due to something called
'Math' it would be impossible to do that without cutting more than $5
Trillion in spending. And since you're raising military spending by $2
Trillion,. the only logical choice is takeaway middle-class deductions
like the child-credit, home mortgage interest deduction, and earned
income credit. Are you bullshitting us?<br />
<br />
follow-up: So you're saying there will be such unprecedented growth
in jobs that all that extra income even taxed at your lower rate will
easily pay for those $5 Trillion tax cuts? Problem is there's no past
precedent so considered by many analysts to be unlikely. Wouldn't you be
better off saying a magical rainbow will appear in Washington, and
down comes a pink unicorn that prints money out of its rectum straight
into the Treasury?<br />
<br />
<strong>7. Global Warming</strong><br />
For both candidates, has the fossil fuel oil and gas industry gotten
so powerful that it dictates the US Gov't energy policy which is why
nothing has been done about climate change?<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="309" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/525005_4845897187807_1851649109_n.jpg" width="400" /></span><br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="309" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/559472_4845898627843_1736266274_n.jpg" width="400" /></span><br />
<strong>8. The War on Drugs</strong><br />
Mr.President if you notice the graph below, ever since we declared a
War on Drugs back in 1986 the US has spent $1.5 Trillion and in 2010 we
spent $20 Billion alone in jails, police, and courts. But yet the rate
of drug addiction has remained completely unchanged at about 1% every
year. Isn't time to declare this war lost and rethink this thing?<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="238" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/61163_4845888747596_52074600_n.jpg" width="400" /></span><br />
follow_up: Considering you smoked marijuana as college student, why
is it okay for you to have experimented but for the disproportional
percentage of black youth who get jailed of non-violent drug offenses
it's not?<br />
<br />
<strong>9. About That Seamus incident</strong><br />
Gov. Romney, during a 1983 vacation you strapped your family dog
Seamus in a crate on top of the family sedan. Seeing as how someone
treats animals is a good barometer of how they treat people, what does
that say about you as a human being?<br />
<br />
<strong>10. Immigration</strong><br />
Believe it or not gentlemen, George W. Bush actually did have one
good idea, which was comprehensive immigration reform by creating guest
worker program and increasing quotas for highly skilled foreign
labor. Now I'm assuming neither of you have a backbone to actually
implement it but can you estimate at what point in the future will the
economic needs of country and common sense overtake the paranoia of
white nativists?<br />
<br />
<strong>11. Iran</strong><br />
Gov. Romney, you mentioned your intent to invade Iran because of
nuclear weapons which Nat'l security professionals doubt they can
develop. So foreign policy experts explained in hypothetical
terms that if you walked into a men's bathroom and saw a glory hole next
to the urinal then decided to 'utilize' it without knowing what's on
the other side, you will have still made a better decision than invading
Iran. Still think it's a good idea?<br />
<br />
<strong>12. Public Television</strong><br />
Gov. Romney again, you said to plan balance the budget by cutting
public television which costs taxpayers 0.0013% of the entire budget.
Now back in 1972 NASA and US Departments of Health and
Education started The Learning Channel. But in 1991 it was privatized
and became TLC and now broadcasts Honey Boo Boo along with other
assorted types of brain rot. Now were you just pandering to the far
right or are you just that much a dick?<br />
<br />
<strong>13. The Ever Expanding Security State</strong><br />
Mr. President given the ever expanding security state with
warrantless wire tapping, eavesdropping, and unprecedented Executive
power there has not been a domestic attack on US soil. However the last 2
attempted terrorist attacks on US soil weren't foiled by Homeland
Security. The Times Square car bomb was thwarted by hot dog vendor, and
Federal Reserve in NYC was thwarted by sheer stupidity. When can we dial
back executive power in this domain?<br />
<br />
<strong>14. Unlimited Corporate Campaign Donations</strong><br />
Gov.Romney, Charles and David Koch who are twin brother oil and gas
Billionaires and Las Vegas casino magnate Sheldon Adelson have<em><strong> EACH</strong></em>
contributed $70 million dollars to your campaign. What are they and all
the other rich donors expecting from a Romney Presidency in return for
their financial contributions?<br />
<br />
follow-up: Governor have you seen the keys to my Rolls Royce? ...Just messing with you. No really, please sit down<br />
<br />
<strong>15. Education</strong><br />
For both candidates, everybody seems to have ideas on fixing schools
but all of them seem to revolve around blaming teachers. But aren't
communities with failing schools really a symptom of income inequality
since rich schools have better resources thus get better results?<br />
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/420837_4845900227883_137666291_n.jpg" /></span><br />
follow-up: Majority of research shows educational achievement starts
with parenting so isn't another solution giving a swift kick in the
ass to parents who don't give a shit about their child's education and
let them languish?<br />
<br />
<strong>16. Random Reader e-mail question</strong><br />
A question from a R.Pattinson who writes 'I know Kristen Stewart
looks awkward but sometimes depending on the dress she looks sort of
awkwardly hot. So if you weren't married and after a few drinks would
you...?' mmkay moving on<br />
<br />
<strong>BONUS Lightning Round </strong><br />
Quickly gentleman want one word answers to these quickfire questions:<br />
<br />
Beyonce or Rihanna?<br />
Beatles or Rolling Stones?<br />
Better Van Halen frontman, David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?<br />
Forrest Gump or Pulp Fiction?<br />
Dave Letterman or Jay Leno?<br />
Tastes Great or Less Filling?<br />
Twinkies or Hostess Cupcake?<br />
Better James Bond, Sean Connery or Roger Moore?<br />
Star Wars or Star Trek?<br />
Ron Jeremy or James Deen?<br />
Red Wine or White Wine when served a Grilled Swordfish, seasonal vegetables, risotto cooked with just a hint of basil?<br />
Miami in August hell yes or hell no?<br />
and lastly do these pants make my ass look big?<br />
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-6983591708275402562012-10-09T17:00:00.003-07:002012-10-09T17:00:45.654-07:00A Parent's Guide on Surviving Disney World (Without Losing Your Flipping Mind)<span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Let me start with just a little disclaimer. Prior to having
kids, a trip to Disney World would describe my own personal version of
Hell since it involved three things I cannot stand: crowds, lines, and
canned entertainment. If I didn't have kids my preferred method of
vacation would've been like my co-worker who took a three week
Mediterranean cruise. But alas the role of parent often involves
sacrificing what you want for the good of the whole family. Thus my
plans for trips overseas and Caribbean cruises will for now have to be
on hold.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Now first, the bad news - From the moment your child stumbles upon
the Disney Channel resistance becomes futile. When a Disney character is
your oldest daughter's first word (Eeyore) that trip to Disney World
becomes inevitable. Because to deny them a trip to the happiest place on
Earth will doom them to become outcast as weird among peers (What? You
mean haven't been to Disney? Freak!') and adult resentment later on.
And like Dante having navigate the 9 circles of Hell in The Divine
Comedy, you as dutiful parent will have navigate the modern inferno
that can be Disney World. Plus visit in the summertime and it
will physically seem like you are in the depths of Hell. I don't mean
just any heat, but the kind fused with humidity. The kind of stifling,
soul-suffocating heat that would make camel beg for air-conditioning.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/431600_4771537848870_1666254264_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But here's the good news - It doesn't have to suck. Perhaps the
greatest achievement of the evil genius that was Walt Disney is the park
encapsulates the idealized childhood and there really is (and I hate
how corny this sounds) something magical when experienced through the
eyes of a child. When your kids enter this alternate universe you will
see a joy and happiness normally only reserved for Christmas mornings
and snowdays. And that joy can't help but rub off on you the parent.
There's a reason why a trip to Disney World has become an American rite
of passage, and the parents of today who first went when they were
young now take their children.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So What's In It For Me? - The real payoff for parents when booking a
Disney vacation is the capturing of your kids 'peak childhood'. That
blissful state where kids are free to dream, fantasize, and albeit for
one week or so live the ultimate childhood experience. And what you get
as a reward is like a fossil preserved in amber, that piece of peak
childhood preserved in photographs and memories. So that when the
adolescent angst and puberty stage hits, you'll have a reminder that at
one time they were sweet, innocent children. Which will be helpful in
preventing possibly wanting to kill them after they wreck the car and
run up 2,000 minutes on your cell phone plan.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">For me 'peak childhood' came at age 10 during Spring Break of 4th
grade, my parents took me on my own journey to the Disney World and
looking back it was probably the funnest vacation I ever had with my
parents. And now having been to Disney twice now with my own kids, the
major benefit of going is remembering what it was like to be a kid.
Before the Real World intruded and youthful dreaming gave way to
cynicism. Now with all this in mind, here are a few tips that helped my
wife and I survive the 'sometimes' happiest place on Earth:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>1. Always Keep This In Mind</strong> - A trip to Disney is
lot like a good Pixar movie in that works on two levels. On one hand
its primarily aimed at kids who will derive the most enjoyment. On the
other, there are plenty of winks and nods to adults that also make it
enjoyable so go with an open mind.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>2. When To Go</strong> - Like telling a good joke or
diffusing a bomb, timing is everything. Summertime is the most
convenient when kids are out of school but also when its the most
crowded and expensive. If you can swing it aim for Fall between Labor
Day and the Holidays or Winter between New Year's and Spring Break.
Prices drop in half, lines are negligible, and the weather less brutal.
In terms of age probably best to wait until kids are out of diapers,
lest you want to deal with poo on a hot, Florida afternoon.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>3. The Lodging</strong> - Disney has a huge offering on-site
resorts and hotels grouped as luxury, moderate, and economy. All of
them essentially have the same layout of hotel rooms spread out condo
style, with a major hub in the middle, and a large, kid friendly pool.
Each hub typically has a restaurant, food court, bar, store, and guest
services. Since at Disney you'll mainly need a room to sleep and
shower, the typical family probably only needs the moderate or
economically priced resorts. If your staying off-site just remember
prices go up peak season and when large conventions come to Orlando,
snagging a hotel room can be downright impossible.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>4. The Food</strong> - I recommend getting a meal-plan with
your tickets which usually consist of 2 sit-down meals and 1 fast-serve
meal a day plus 1 daily snack per ticket. It saves you tiem and from
having to bring large amount of cash but...and this is a large very
BUT: the quality significantly varies across restaurants. Thus you have
a range of Excellent to well, meh. So ASAP after getting tickets, get
online and research the restaurants that look the most promising ahead
of time. Some in-park restaurants become completely booked months in
advance.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/35467_4771543409009_343976575_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">For Fast-Serve, I recommend the Pecos Bill Tall Tale Inn in
Frontiertown, if this place were in my neighborhood I'd be there at
least once a week, which would not be a good thing for my cholesterol.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">For sit-down dining, I highly recommend over in Epcot World
Showcase, the Marrakesh inside Morocco. True story, the King of Morocco
was so flattered his country was chosen to be represented in Epcot, he
sends his personal chef over to Epcot to personally oversee the
development of the menu and cooking standards at Marrakesh. So when you
dine there, you literally dine like royalty.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>5. The People</strong> - This can be most interesting along
with the most infuriating aspect of visiting Disney. When in lines or
on the bus around the park you'll meet people from all corners of the
US and the globe. We met people from-away places like Scotland,
Malaysia, Chile, South Africa, and Israel. Most of the visitors to
Disney (we'll put it at about 98%) are friendly, agreeable, and often
with small kids in tow here to simply have fun.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">As for that other 2%, like any large gathering of people there will
be those who bring about your inner psychopath. The biggest annoyance
are the people who lack in any sense of spatial awareness and will cut
right across you and your stroller or stop in the middle of a crowded
sidewalk for no apparent reason what so ever. Forcing you to stop, or
suddenly swerve around them since they are completely oblivious to
everything around them. And then there are the (since this is a
kid-rated blog) we'll call them @#$%^&*s. People both American and
foreign for whom common courtesy is a alien concept.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">No matter how maddening, resist having your Bruce Banner turn into
the Incredible Hulk, and just let it go. And go forth confident in your
own moral superiority</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/427948_4771545329057_1846816787_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>6. The Staff</strong> - What has set Disney World apart from
the wanna-bes like Six Flags, Busch Gardens, etc. is the impeccable
customer service. Out of possibly hundreds of encounters with staff
over two visits, only once was someone rude. You'll wonder if they
secretly put anti-depressants in the drinking water since everyone from
the ride operators to the food staff to the janitorial staff is so
friendly. You actually get spoiled because once back in the Real World
you'll expect every cashier to smile and be delightful. That'll end real
quick first time visiting a Starbucks or K-Mart upon your return.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>7. The Transportation</strong> - If staying at a resort there
are buses that shuttle to and from every park about every 20 minutes
or so with average rides ranging from 10 to 15 minutes. Though it can
vary so if planning on say being at Magic Kingdom at 9am, best to be at
the resort bus stop by 8:15am. If staying off-site remember parking
can be up to $20 a day. One note of caution if staying late night for a
parade and fireworks, the wait for a bus back to your resort can be up
to an hour (sometimes two in the Summer). If staying at the resort and
not renting a car, take advantage of the bus ferrying people to and
from the airport. They even handle your bags for you at baggage claim.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>8. The Weather</strong> - Seeing as its Florida and your
basically in the middle of a swamp, there will always be the two
bastard stepchildren of Mother Nature: heat and humidity. Can't escape
it, so just drink water, lots of water, like a gallon of water. Also in
the Summer, just as something stupid coming out of Lindsay Lohan's
mouth occurs on a daily basis, so to does a brief mid-afternoon
thunderstorm. So pack a poncho, and yes I know it looks dorky, but no
one ever looks good in a poncho. Not even Kate Upton(well..maybe).</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>9. The Meltdowns</strong> - It will be inevitable at some
point whether due to the heat, the lines, or being simply overwhelmed,
your child will have a meltdown. Instead of going Joan Crawford with
wire hangers, just calmly deal with it, and once peace has been
restored, put a period and move on. A good idea we've found is at the
midway point take a day-off and sleep-in, lounge around the pool, etc.
Gives your feet a rest, gives everyone's nerves a rest, and allows for
some decompression.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/223326_4771546809094_895561174_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>10. Getting Your Drink On</strong> - Unlike many top flight
resorts, there is no all-inclusive drink package so getting sloshed can
be very expensive. A regular bottle of Bud Light sells for $6.50 so
best to bring your own supply. If you are going to drop a $100 on
getting drunk, do it at Epcot's World Showcase. There are 11 nations
represented each selling beer and wine native to their country. So you
get Peroni in Italy, Sapporo in Japan, Bass Ale in Britian, Moosehead in
Canada, and some unpronounceable beer with lots of consonants in
Germany. But I remember it was good, real good. The kind they serve at
Oktoberfest in Munich. The kind you'll be licking the beer stein for
every last drop.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But take it easy since this trip is about family fun and probably
with kids in tow someone has to be the responsible adult. You don't want
to be the joke of the resort as did a middle-aged mother from Georgia
who became that annoying 'WHOO! girl' we all knew in college after a
couple of Smirnoffs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/249417_4771548769143_1783102475_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>11. The Lines</strong> - Depending on the ride and time of
year, you can wait anywhere from 0 to 90 minutes for a ride. Luckily
Disney has something called a FastPass, where you can pick a select
time to go on a ride and then skip the line when your time arrives.
However, you can only get one fast pass per ticket at a time, so like
nuclear warheads, it must be used strategically. For whatever the
reason the rides with longest lines while there were the old school
rides like Peter Pan, Winnie the Poo, Dumbo, and the Teacup ride. My
guess because these were rides little kids could go on combined with
adult nostalgia. When we were there Space Mountain averaged only 20
minutes, but Peter Pan was usually over 70.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Rides worth a 60 minute wait:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Soarin', Mission Space (Epcot),</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Space Mountain, Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger ride (Magic Kingdom)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/581563_4771553369258_104453408_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Rides worth a Fast Pass:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Star Wars 3D Adventure, Toy Story arcade game (Hollywood Studios)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Splash Mountain, Thunder Mountain, It's Small World, any of the old-school kiddie rides (Magic Kingdom)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Mount Everest, Dinosaur Adventure (Animal Kingdom)</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Rides not worth a second of anyone's time:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Michael Jackson Caption EO (yes, it's still there and yes unbelievably creepy after his recent history)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/61148_4771551209204_1163916496_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>12. The characters</strong> - Best move to meet characters
are the character meals where you can kill two birds with one stone.
Parents can eat a meal in peace while knocking out several character
meet and greets at one time. At both Epcot, MK, and select
resorts Mickey and pals do breakfast, lunch, or dinner at different
times and locations. If you have a daughter who likes princesses, go
for Cinderella's Table (in the castle) where all the old-school
princesses come around to each table. If you have boys who like the
new-school Disney TV characters there is buffet style lunch in
Hollywood Studios with Handy Manny, Agent Oso, etc.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/60587_4771555609314_1359819741_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But these character meals sell out months in advance so grab one
ASAP after booking. Otherwise you'll have to wait in line sometimes for
up to 45 minutes to meet just one character. And you don't need an
efficiency expert to tell you that's valuable time wasted. Some
characters only appear singularly but worth a wait in line which are
Princess Tiana (in Colonial town), Merida (in entrance to Fantasyland),
Jasmine (next to Aladdin Magic carpet ride), Mulan (in China at Epcot
World showcase), and Tinkerbell (in Adventureland). Plus Hollywood
Studios is the only park where you'll find all the Pixar characters.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>13. Need to know how long a wait is or where character is appearing? There's an app for that!</strong>
- Disney does have a cool application called Disney Mobile (no I'm not
a paid celebrity endorser) that will tell you real time wait times for
rides and times a character is appearing. Everyone else probably has
it so no real advantage in getting somewhere first, but at least helps
you plan your day. Like sparing having to walk all the way in the back
for Thunder Mountain only to arrive and find its out of order, then
you get mad, the kids start crying, and the day starts off on the wrong
foot.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>14. The Shows</strong> - Even if musical theater (much
less community or high school theater) does not appeal to you some
shows are actually pretty good and surprisingly entertaining. If
anything they will get you a 20 - 30 minute respite in an
air-conditioned theater.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Absolutely Must-See:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Lion King and Finding Nemo both in Animal Kingdom are Broadway quality with laughs for both kids and adults</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Also worth your time:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Little Mermaid, Disney Junior, Beauty and the Beast (Hollywood Studios)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Monster Inc. Laugh Factory (MK)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Not actual Disney shows but potentially just as entertaining:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Watching inebriated people at Germany's Oktoberfest beer garden in
Epcot's World Showcase get completely gasfaced. There is something
about Oktoberfest that brings out the happy drunk Kraut in all sorts of
revelers ranging from college kids to grandmas.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">- Marveling at the irony of people smoking cigarettes while complaining about how much walking they have to do.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>15. The Money</strong> - One of the criticisms of Disney and I
think its valid is everywhere you turn they are hawking and selling
everything, specifically at the little ones. How clever of</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Roy Disney Jr. to place themed souvenir shops at the exit of every
big ride. Technically though you do not have to spend a dime other than
price of admission if you don't want to. The key is to bring your own
snacks, water, sunscreen, stroller, and baby supplies so you can avoid
the price gauging inside. As for toys, one thing that worked for us, was
each kid got $50, they could spend on anything but once that money was
up, that was it.And if didn't like what they selected or saw something
better, too bad. It actually can start the process of kids learning to
be a discerning consumer.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">One trend lately has been Disney pins, which are sold all over the
park. There are now whole conventions dedicated around Disney pin
swapping. And believe or not, early pins from the 80's are starting to
creep to the $1,000 mark. (hello Pawn Stars)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>16. So what if someone in my family or party is a complete sourpuss?</strong>
- If the idea of having a good time rankles some people in your
family. An alternate, fun game is called 'The hidden mickeys' because
built into each of the parks and architecture are random mouse heads.
You can have a contest amongst your group who can find the most hidden
mickeys and should be of interest to someone who's not exactly happy at
the happiest place on Earth. If actually wagering money on this
game, you can cheat over at thehiddenmickeys.com.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> (photo of hidden mickey)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">If all else fails simply pull them aside and calmly explain 'We're
here to be happy, and if your not happy then please get happy. And if
you can't get happy then just sit down and enjoy a nice cold, tall glass
of SHUT THE @#$% UP!'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>17. So what if someone in my family or party is handicapped or disabled?</strong>
- One of the big strengths of Disney is they are very accommodating to
people with disabilities. Everywhere in the park is wheelchair
accessible and many places around Orlando rent scooters for people who
are mobility limited and can be delivered right to your room. People
with disabilities (and their companions) do not have wait in line for
rides or shows as they get ushered right up to the front. Plus, all
transportation throughout the parks are wheelchair accesible. But
please don't be these people you see at Six Flags all the time who fake a
handicap just to get on the rides without a wait. If you do then you
really are a buttstain on the shorts of humanity.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>18. Whatever You Do Please Don't Do This...</strong> - Be one
of those families wearing all the same shirt announcing their arrival
to Disney. I'm sure it's nice that Lofenburger family from Kenosha,
Wisconsin consisting of PopPop, MeeMa, Joanie, Little Ricky, Big Eddie,
SweetP, Bucky, Badger, BeckySue, LuAnn, and last but not least Frankie
and Annette with their newly adopted twin sons, Aaron Rodgers, Jr. and
Cheesehead have all made it to Disney. But honestly no one really
cares.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/s720x720/399696_4771571089701_258809857_n.jpg" /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>19. It will be inevitable that..</strong>. - After waiting a
long time to go on that long anticipated ride and are now next to get
on said ride. Your small child will inform that of course RIGHT NOW
they have to go to the potty. Remember, pee early, pee often.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><strong>20. And if anything else, just remember this....</strong>. -
You'll never get to see and do everything there is at Disney in one
week. So have each family member make a Top 5 must-do/see/try list and
if everyone got to cross off each item from their list then it was a
successful trip. Also don't overplan to the point of even scheduling
bathroom breaks at five minute intervals because God or fate or karmic
energy likes laughing at those who come to Disney with detailed plans.
Have structure to your trip but allow flexibility and spontaneity.
You'll be surprised at how kids will have no interest in things you
thought they would while totally into things you had no idea they would
like.</span> <br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">(all photos from Yahoo Image Search or akwardfamilyphotos.com)</span><br />
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-90452108379827646812012-09-19T13:20:00.000-07:002012-09-19T13:20:25.390-07:00Red Hot Summer Roundup 2012 (featuring Eastwooding, Olympics, and demographic wonkery)!!!<div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix">
<span><div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Fall
means back to school time and one of the early homework assignments as
a kid was usually 'What I Did and Learned Over the summer' Well here's
what I learned this summer:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>NBC still has not figured out how to broadcast the Olympics</strong>
- NBC taped delayed all the notable Olympic coverage even though most
people already knew the outcomes. NBC defended its prime-time
<span>coverage </span>because of some concept they called 'plausible reality'. (If that isn't
inflated new age, Marketing bullshit I don't what is) where the tape
delay seems live thanks to clever editing, 'looks live' feel. You know
what else creates a 'plausible reality'? Something called 'the
Internet' wherein people find out whether Michael Phelps won a mere 10
hours before NBC decides to even acknowledge it happened.</div>
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<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/598869_4673879207465_882634411_n.jpg" /></span></div>
<div class="caption" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Mikala Maroney when asked about NBC's coverage</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
That business model would have worked in say 1980 before the advent
of ESPN where sports was relegated to a 3-minute segment on the 11:00
news and otherwise you had to wait til the morning newspaper Sports
section. A time when information traveled about as fast as the speed
of a rotary phone. Now not so much, thus Bob Costas can stop with that
smug look on his face as he tries to tease us into watching a sporting
result where we already know the result. Seeing as NBC have exclusive
Olympic coverage until 2024 they have 12 more years to get it right.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>FUN BONUS FACT #1!</strong>: If anyone tells you they
watched the 1980 US Men's hockey team upset the Soviets live they are
either lying or misremembering. The game was actually played 3:00 that
afternoon and tape delayed for later that evening so unless you were in
the arena you did not see it live. Americans didn't really find out
about it until the 6:00 news. What they watched was a tape delay that
evening and reacting to something that happened five hours earlier.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Roone Arledge, former ABC Sports President and godfather of modern
Sports broadcasting including inventing Monday Night Football called
that decision one of the dumbest moves he ever made as producer. Of
course no surprise to find NBC has not learned the pitfalls of tape
delay seeing this is the same network which in the 90's gave up
exclusive rights for NFL football opting for...Notre Dame football.
How'd that work out?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>If You're worried about the impending Post-antibiotic apocalypse (or are a Porn Star), now might the time to say 'Ruh-Roh'</strong>
- According to the Centers for Disease Control we are down to one
functioning antibiotic to treat Gonorrhea. For years public health
people have complained Pharma was spending too much time on lifestyle drugs
and not the ones that matter. We may find out too soon they were
right.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>'Literally' is literally the worst adverb</strong> - If ever
looking for the fastest way to ever piss off a Linguist, writer, or
English teacher, blogger Sarah Miller at the theawl.com suggests
misusing the word literally. What's the difference between these two
sentences:</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
1.We sat on the tarmac for an hour waiting to take off</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
2.We<span class="fbUnderline"> <u><i>literally</i></u></span> sat on the tarmac for an hour waiting to take off</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
The latter suggests you are either lying, embellishing, or being
overly dramatic in your story along with being redundant. If your plane
was delayed an hour because sitting on a runway, you really do not need
to literally inject 'literally' into the description. My alternative
to using literally to denote something really happened is 'Hey Man this
ain't no bullshit'</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>Speaking of being overly dramatic, introducing America's newest affliction</strong>
- Have you ever been out shopping and come across someone who appears
to be having a animated conversation with a cell phone. Sort along the
lines 'Oh my God,Christie they do not my shoe size!. And now my whole
weekend plans are RUINED! (followed by uncontrollable sobbing)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
They may have come down with Reality TV derangement syndrome. A
psychological disorder characterized when individual thinks they are the
star of their own reality TV show. Symptoms include the need to
perform in public places, by taking a mundane task or problem and
blowing it up into some epic crisis where they share the drama to
anyone within the immediate vicinity.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Though the American Psychiatric Association rejects my claim
insisting this is mere narcissism right before they hung up on me (rude
bastards). I propose to name this affliction Kardashianism and will be
expecting my Nobel Prize in the mail any day now. Recommended treatment
option is The Reverse Shakespeare: Insist that all the world is not
really a stage, and nor should all the men and women merely just be
players in it.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>Now That's What We Call Music?</strong> - The ubiquitous
selling, biannual, CD series 'Now That's What I Call Music' featuring
all the best in soulless, vapid, cookie cutter Top 40 throwaway songs
became the World's biggest selling music series ever. Yes I said
World's biggest. When asked for the secret of success, Industry
insiders noted the advent in audio technology that allowed large,
smoking piles of crap to be encased on a compact disk. As you ponder
this factoid, keep in mind right now music execs are wondering aloud
without the slightest hint of irony why no one buys full length CD's
anymore. Signified by former A-list singers Britney Spears, Mariah
Carey, and Adam Levine reduced to judging karaoke shows.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>MySpace hit a new low (wait you mean there still isn't a floor?)</strong>
- Lily Allen, who along with Adele, and Justin Bieber were discovered
on the social media site admitted on Twitter she had forgot her
password to MySpace and hadn't logged on in over a year.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>The end of Western Civilization is now upon us </strong>- A show called The Adventures of Honey Boo Boo premiered.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>Jeff Foxworthy's jokes practically write themselves</strong>
- 'If you're idea of upholding Christian ideals of social justice is a
eating greasy chicken sandwich from a homophobic fast food chain. You
might be a redneck'</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
In response to criticism of Chick Fil'A anti-gay stance, thousands
of Christians flocked to <strike>donate time and money at food pantries and
homeless shelters</strike> get chicken sandwiches because
that's how Jesus would of wanted it...according to Mike Huckabee. But
have Huckabee or any other fire-and brimstone Baptist preachers ever
wondered if it was sort odd Jesus never uttered a word about
homosexuality. Even more peculiar, he was Jerusalem's most eligible
bachelor, yet eshewed the ladies to always hang out with 12 dudes. Not
implying anything. just sayin.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/561105_4673889647726_2063499254_n.jpg" /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
The only biblical evidence may have favored heterosexual marriage
was the passage found John 3:69 'Upon seeing Mary Magdaline, Jesus said
'Hey Girl, really digging that frock'</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>Clint Eastwood spoke to an empty chair and in the process revealed the deep psyche of the modern Republican Party</strong>
- In the moment that probably set Mitt Romney's Presidential hopes spiraling down in flames, Eastwood projected from an empty chair a
vulgar, thuggish Obama who reacts crassly to criticism to his record at
the Republican Nat'l Convention. I've never met Obama but I'm pretty
sure vulgar and angry he is not. And Eastwood isn't the
only conservative whose perception of Obama just does not jive with
reality. Over the past four years Obama has been labeled everything by
conservatives from a Kenyan Socialist, to a fascist tyrant, to the
Anti-Christ. </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/395319_4673910608250_1613207324_n.jpg" /></span></div>
<div class="caption" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
The next great internet meme: Eastwooding</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
In reality I would not even call Obama a liberal but more of a
Clintonite centrist or even a Blue Dog Democrat (moderate
conservative). So why all the vitriol? For years demographers have been
forecasting whites will be minority in the US by 2050. Like geology,
changes in demographics often occur slowly, unseen, and often
unnoticed until revealed in a sudden, Earth changing event. The election
of Obama in 2008 was akin to a demographic earthquake where older,
white Americans suddenly realized they aren't in charge anymore.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
This op-ed piece from Broward County Sun Sentinel Journal lays it out perfectly:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<em>The GOP today is largely a party of rabid, old, white men in the
unhappy dusk of their lives, railing against a nation in which they are
no longer the dominant players. It is sad to watch — and sadder to be
one of them. You can smell the mothballs of their memories and
memorabilia (hats and banners resurrected for the convention), read the
rage in their eyes.</em></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<em>And finally, you could see it in every picture of the Tampa
convention, especially contrasted with those from the Democrats: The
undeniable truth is that the Republican Party is on the wrong side of
demographics, which means it's on the wrong side of history. Tragically
for our political system, which depends on a vigorous, healthy
two-party system, it has chosen to assume the role of permanent
obstructionist, ignoring the inevitable changes in population diversity
that will eventually bury it.</em></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>This man was going to be the next Senator from Missouri, until he verbally diarrhea'd all over himself</strong> -</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/422897_4673893167814_213743862_n.jpg" /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
During a low-stakes TV interview with a St.Louis station, Senate
candidate Todd Akin casually floated his thoughts about women and rape.
Namely that women could not get pregnant from 'legitimate rape'
because the female body has the ability to identify 'hostile' sperm and
shut down its baby making process. Thus its okay to ban abortion in
instances including rape.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Before searching for that theory on Google, don't bother because no
reputable doctor has ever given credence to that idea. Akin has about
as much credibility on female anatomy as I have, which is zero. Of
course condemnation came far and wide with even GOP demanding he drop
out of the race. He refused and now essentially turned a guaranteed GOP
Senate pick-up into a probable loss. But one thing needs to be cleared
up, what Akin said was not a gaffe which implies a flub of the English
language or saying something you didn't mean. Akin said what he truly
believes, and the real reason he's been scorned by the GOP establishment
is he said something publicly what was only to be mentioned in
private. You know so as not to scare off moderate voters.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
One has to feel that Texas Republican Sen.Jon Cornyn who in charge
of running the Senate campaign strategy could probably use a drink....or
three. Akin represents another in a growing line of Religious Right
loons whose extreme views have cost the GOP winnable elections and
control of the US Senate. Akin was leading Democrat Sen.Claire McCaskill
by nine points, but is now trailing by three and counting.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>And speaking of extreme Religious Right loons here's a hot new conspiracy theory</strong><strong>: Staunch Anti-Abortion Activists are motivated by white supremacy</strong><strong> -</strong>
Now I have no proof of this but I have noticed those on the far-right
have been using a very curious term called a 'Demographic Winter'.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
In a strict academic sense this term is when the annual number of
births falls below the number of deaths for a country or region leading
to natural population decline. However when used by Far Right-Wing
organizations like NOM (Nat'l Organization for Marriage) and the
American Family Association it takes on a more subtextual meaning. The
US Census Bureau noted 2011 was a milestone as it was the first year
that number of births for non-white babies surpassed that of white
babies. Thus 'demographic winter' can be translated as 'not enough white
babies are being born' giving plausible explanation for the fervant
opposition to abortion especially among white mothers. Also explaining
opposition to gay marriage since why waste two decent white gay guys when they should be marrying
white women and having children, not raving to Lady Gaga</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Obviously there is no corroborating evidence but next time you hear
that phrase used by someone whose not a demographer. Try prodding their
views on race, because what they say might absolutely frighten you.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>Something funny happened during Microsoft's path to World domination</strong>
- What if I told you in terms of technology there could have been an
entirely alternate history from the one we know now. From Kurt
Eichenwald in Vanity Fair a list of would've, could've,
should'ves involving Microsoft:</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
- In 1998 developed an electronic reader which featured first ever
Touch Screen technology....10 years ahead of Amazon Kindle and Apple
iPad</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
- In 2003 developed an idea to post statuses or updates for MSN
messenger and see what friends were up to...3 years ahead of Facebook or
Twitter</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
- In 2005 developed a smart phone type device with ability to add and
create cool little apps like play music, snap pictures or browse the
web...3 years ahead of the iPhone</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
So how come none of this ever came to bear? All of these ideas came
from junior developers but were killed by stifling corporate
bureaucracy, obsession with stock price, and managerial arrogance.
Industries relying of creativity and inventiveness should not model
corporate atmosphere after those of an accounting firm. The lesson of
Microsoft is that companies still abiding by old 20th Century rules of
business management are doomed to fail in the 21st Century.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>FUN BONUS FACT #2!</strong> - When Microsoft CEO Steve
Ballmer eventually <strike>gets fired</strike> 'resigns to spend more
time with his family' he can at least take heart in knowing he was not
the biggest mistake in business history. That honor goes to IBM who in
1959 told two budding inventors that their new 'xerography' machine
which made dry copies of existing documents would only have a sales
potential of at most 6,000 units. Those two inventors would later found
a little known company called Xerox and that machine today would
colloquially be called a 'Xerox machine'.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
And Microsoft would not be existence if not for IBM. In 1983 Bill
Gates showed IBM's executives a new potential operating system to run
their computers called 'Windows' facilitated by a device called the
'mouse' to enable a concept called 'point and click' navigation. Not
only were IBM executives unimpressed but made perhaps the single most
incorrect prediction in history: 'Nobody's going to want a computer in
their home'</div>
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<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/383382_4673908608200_1776981366_n.jpg" /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>We're now living in the era of 'Big Data'</strong> - George
Orwell in the book 1984 once mythologized Big Brother, an all knowing,
all-seeing apparatus which controlled the population. Today we have Big
Data used by government and corporations and may now know more about
you than know about you. Everytime you use your credit card, send
something on your cellphone, browse something online; data about that
event is being collected, analyzed, and modeled to predict or possibly
control future behavior. An example are those loyalty cards grocery
stores or other chains use. The reason companies willingly give
discounts for using them is because consumers are giving them in return
something far more valuable: data and information about their
purchasing habits.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Here's how powerful data mining can be. Target in 2010 developed an
algorithm to predict when female customers were one to three months
pregnant, by noticing they started stockpiling a particular combination
of 25 items (ie: baby lotion, cotton balls, diapers, and baby towels
all together in one purchase). The goal was to send out baby coupons to
these customers who met this algorithm and get a jump ahead of Babies R
Us by luring them in for bigger items later on like cribs, toys, etc.
So they test run this strategy sending out a circulars with maternity
items. Later that week a middle-aged man walks into Minneapolis, MN
store fuming mad that they sent his 16 year old daughter maternity
stuff and demanded an apology. The next day a manager calls to
follow-up except this time the man is apologetic. Turns out his
daughter actually was pregnant.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
More info Here</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_691035242"><br /></a></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/19/magazine/shopping-habits.html?_r=1&hp=&pagewanted=all" target="_blank">See what data mining can do for you</a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</span></div>
</span></div>
everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-33296235427251402172012-07-26T17:23:00.000-07:002012-07-26T17:23:18.587-07:00It's time for my NEW RULES 2012 (concept shamelessly stolen from Bill Maher)<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Like my comedy hero Bill Maher I feel the need about this time every year to spout off on what I think should be new rules....</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>NEW RULE #1 - If lawmakers can't even say the word vagina then lawmakers should not be legislating it:</strong>
This summer, two female lawmakers in the Michigan House of
Representatives were censured for having the temerity of mentioning
vagina during debate on an anti-abortion bill. I guess both lawmakers
figured, seeing as they actually have a vagina, and since babies come
out of a vagina, who better than address the issue of reproductive
rights than say someone who has one.</div>
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/580777_4415397345580_1624987945_n.jpg" /></span><br />
<div class="caption" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
(Interesting way to put it)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Strange
how since the sexual revolution we've become more puritan in that we
cannot even mention the technical medical term for a woman's'
va-jay-jay' in polite conversation. I would imagine Michigan House
Speaker Jase Bolger would really get the vapors if anti-abortionists
get around trying to ban men from getting vasectomies. Then lawmakers
would have tiptoe around saying the word p-p-p-p---penis and
t-t-t-t----testicles. Maybe they could substitute 'Russel the love
muscle and the dynamic duo' in formal debate.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>NEW RULE #2 - If a beer needs gimmicks and flashy advertising then its probably not good beer</strong>:</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
So
Coors has a can that turns blue letting you know its cold for people
whom the sense of touch isn't enough. Miller Lite has a new pop tab can
and vortex bottle to help the beer flow smoother for those too lazy to
swallow. And apparently if you drink Michelob Ultra you ride around
with Lance Armstrong in the California mountains with a bunch of other
extremely attractive people. All of this my guess is to hide the fact
that each aforementioned beer basically tastes like pisswater.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
In
the two decades or so I've been 'legally' drinking
(wink,wink,nudge,nudge) I've found good beer sells itself and doesn't
need gimmicks, women in bikinis, or talking animals. Seeing as the three
big American brewers are now facing big competition from the rise of
Craft and Speciality beer, including Yuengling, Sierra Nevada, and Sam
Adams. Perhaps actually improving the beer would improve sales. If we
must still resort to advertising how about a return to clever
catchphrases like the Schaffer classic: 'The ONE beer to have when
you're having more than ONE'</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>NEW RULE #3 - Jenny McCarthy has a body count:</strong>
No Jenny McCarthy does not literally have a body count via murder. But
by giving voice and media attention to the fringe anti-vaccination
cult starting in 2007, she along with hack Robert F. Kennedy Jr. have
convinced well-meaning but otherwise gullible parents (alright lets
just call them dumb) that vaccines cause autism and that there is a
false choice as whether to have them administered to their children.
Thanks to them here's the result based on Centers for Disease Control
data compiled by the website <strong>jennymccarthybodycount.com.</strong></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
As of July 7, 2012:</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
- Number of Vaccine Preventable Illnesses in US since her involvement: 100,380</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
- Number of Deaths from those illnesses: 1,014</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
-
The average cost to treat Vaccine Preventable Illnesses in a hospital:
$10,000 per case and up to $100,000 if intensive care is needed</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
- Number of Autism cases in US scientifically linked to Vaccines: 0.0*</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
(*
- The only study to link autism to vaccines was retracted in 2010
after its author British researcher Andrew Wakefield admitted to
falsifying his data and charged with fraud while subsequently stripped
of his medical license)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Just about anyone working in the
medical sector will tell you vaccines are one of the most important
advancements in public health since the discovery of antibiotics. Prior
to McCarthy's stupidity, diseases like Measles, Mumps, and Whooping
Cough were practically eradicated from the US. Prior to 1998 we
averaged just 56 Measles cases a year, and was considered so rare
medical schools no longer felt the need to teach about the disease.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="168" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/558292_4415400865668_1317012452_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></div>
<div class="caption" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
(Thanks, Jenny)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Now
look at Measles since 2005 and we suddenly have ourselves a health
crisis where we should not have one. My heart goes out to families
dealing with autism, but attacking vaccines will not stop the disease or
improve the lives of Autistic children. To families still not
vaccinating their children, please remember its not always just about
you. And finally for the fawning media, next time ask McCarthy about all
the time and money wasted to confirm vaccines don't cause Autism (try
$42 million) that could have gone toward autism research. Then sit back
and watch her botox riddled face try to come up with an answer.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>NEW RULE #4 - Cosmo Magazine needs to stop giving sex advice:</strong>
Men would like ladies to know that most of the tips in Cosmo are
pretty useless, unless you want a night of intimacy to end in
spectacular failure. From a list of 44 ridiculous tips compiled from
Jezebel.com blogger Ben Reininga:</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>"</strong><em>Hold
his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other... you can
tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly
pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake
of being too gentle</em><strong>."</strong></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Second opinion: make the mistake of being too gentle. At least until you ask.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<em>"Fifty-six
percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head while lying down as
opposed to standing up, while the numbers are exactly reversed for
married men."</em></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
I think that means you are one married man and two standard deviations from overthinking foreplay.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<em>"Think
of his shaft... like the outer curve of your breast. ...Take his shaft
between your open palms and tap it back and forth, almost like you're
volleying a tennis ball. The quick movements are a fun way to wake up
his nerves."</em></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
First, do women like their breasts to be "volleyed" like tennis balls? Also: stop hitting me.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<em>"Use silicone-based lube to give each other pre-nooky rubdowns."</em></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Bonus: it's water-resistant, so it'll never come off!</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>NEW RULE #5 - Whenever Pat Robertson appears in the media, he should be referred to as 'God's official asshat':</strong>
Even if you're not convinced God exists, Pat Robertson would convince
you that God has a wicked sense of humor. Everytime Robertson makes a
deluded statement like Denver Broncos would suffer God's wrath for
trading uber-christian quarterback to the Jets to make way for Peyton
Manning. I always imagined somewhere in heaven, Jesus and his apostles
hanging out at a beatnik club enjoying Robertson the way hipsters would
enjoy Bill Murray at his deadpan best reading the Twitter timelines of
the Kardashians.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>NEW RULE #6 - Skinny
fashionistas who criticize Kate Upton need to get a grip (along with a
sandwich and less distorted body image):</strong> - Some pro-skinny, or
pro-Ana (as in anorexia) bloggers recently gotten their jollies
calling Upton fat and a cow. I'll chalk it up to mean girls being
jealous since Upton signifies the end of the skinny Kate Moss era in
modeling.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
If you ask most dieticians and doctors they would call her 'healthy',</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
If
you ask most women they would call her 'meh, she's alright', which is
translated to 'Yeah she's hot, but my boyfriend likes her so naturally I
hate her' </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
If you ask most men they would say ''meh, she's
alright' which is translated to 'Holy Mother of Pearl! Can those be
real!? With that body she could probably bend time and space to her
will! Pardon me while I pick my tongue up off the floor!'</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="400" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/s720x720/376601_4415403385731_2036994239_n.jpg" width="283" /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Give men the option of a Kate Upton or a Mary Kate Olsen, I'll bet Upton wins say 1000% of time.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>NEW RULE #7 - In order to save real journalism, we will institute the 'TMZ Tax':</strong>
As local newspapers and investigative reporting in general become
endangered by lack of revenue, a 25% tax shall be imposed on earnings
from all tabloids, entertainment fluff shows (ala Extra, Entertainment
Tonight, E! Network), and gossip sites. This will help fund the news
sources that really matter, like the PBS documentary series Frontline or
as teenagers would refer to it 'The kinda of shit you really need to
know about'.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
So alongside salacious headlines like 'Snooki
shops for baby clothes!' we'll get 'Billionaire oil barons the Koch
Brothers shop for State politicians to destroy local environmental
laws!' And with 'Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth getting serious by ring
shopping!', there's 'Congressmen and Wall Street lobbyists get cozy
at dinner! Could privatized Social Security be next!'</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
If
it weren't for investigative reporters some of our Nation's biggest
scandals would have never seen the light of day. Even in small towns
there are reporters like Sarah Ganim from the Harrisburg (PA) Patriot
Times who doggedly pursued rumors about a ongoing cover-up at a nearby
major university for over two years. And who despite numerous
roadblocks and obstacles put in her path managed this past fall to
uncover the biggest scandal in the history of not just collegiate sports
but higher education. Thanks to Sarah Ganim we have our next rule..</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>NEW
RULE #8 - Now That Jerry Sandusky is going to prison and Joe Paterno's
legacy has been eviscerated lets focus on the root cause of the Penn
State scandal: </strong>Sports writers, moralists, op-ed writers, sports
show phone-in callers, bloggers, trolls, and even my dentist have all
debated ad-naseum about the Penn State scandal and Paterno's legacy. I
won't continue that discussion other to say it would be a good for
Paterno's family at this point in the wake of the PSU-Freeh Report to
just shut the hell up. We're done listening. Any chance of plausible
deniability is gone.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
We know Sandusky was a monster but
in terms of enabling a monster former Penn State President Graham
Spanier is the chief villain in this sordid tale. Why Spanier is not
facing any criminal charges (yet) when the decision to cover-up
Sandusky's child rape both began and ended with him is a complete
mystery. What Spanier represents is everything that's wrong with higher
education in America. The idea that Paterno ran the show is absolute
bullshit. Spanier could have ended this at any time.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="271" src="http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/531531_4415405265778_1442132142_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></div>
<div class="caption" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
('Don't worry Coach, I told Jerry to take his kid raping somewhere else.)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Imagine the mayor of a 15,000 to 60,000 person town who is:</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
-
Unelected and has complete authority to do whatever they want while
being completely unaccountable to anybody (sure there is a 'Board of
Trustees' but Penn State showed how little power they really have).</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
-
Has control over a budget of sometimes Billions of dollars and can
decide where it goes, who it goes to without any transparency or
scrutiny.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
- Can make personnel decisions without second guessing or external review.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
- Controls the police department and can shut down any investigation they'd like</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
- Can directly edit and control content of media and speech within the community without any regard for person's rights.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Would
you want to live in a town like that? Well if you are a college
student at a major public University than you do. Spanier embodies the
phrase 'power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely',
resulting in University Presidents and their lackeys amassing too much
power at the expense of actual education. Even if you take away revenue
from major college athletics, patents from research along with the
tuition fees they charge students has turned public universities into
profitable corporations. But for the betterment of whom, the students
or people who run them?</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
And at no point in the last 20
years has any major college President ever said 'I think out tuition
is getting too high and were pricing out middle and working class
students. So I think our focus should be where can we lower costs'.
Instead its about enjoying the perks and privileges of being a chief
executive and the money lavished by banks that profit from student
loans and textbook manufacturers who enjoy exclusivity in the student
bookstore. When a University becomes so powerful and wealthy that it
places its reputation above the welfare of children and overall human
decency, then its time for a major overhaul of our higher education
system. And reminding University Presidents everywhere they serve
students, not vice versa.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>NEW RULE #9 - People opposed to gay marriage can't qualify it with 'But I have gay friends'</strong>:
If you had gay friends or really considered them to be your friends
you would respect their right to have their relationships legally
recognized. Plus if your gay friends knew you were opposed to gay
marriage, then I doubt very much they would want you to be their
friend. And then you would no longer be invited to all their fabulous
parties.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
And on a related note..</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>NEW RULE #10: A reminder to Evangelical Christians, the 1st Amendment guarantees freedom of speech but...</strong> -
...it does not shield you from legitimate criticism others may have in
reaction to your free speech. A quick lesson in the US Constitution
for all those claiming religious persecution for speaking out against
gay marriage. The 1st Amendment prevents the government from limiting
free speech. However in the public marketplace of thoughts and ideas,
when you say something controversial like you are against gay
marriage, other people have the right to (ideally) respectfully disagree
with your position.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
It is at that point you cannot say
others are infringing on your freedom of speech, just because your
circle of friends, co-workers, family, etc all of a sudden think you're
an asshole for opposing gay marriage. Same goes for the Catholic
church, Chick Fil'A, and actor Kirk Cameron who think being criticized
for opposing gay marriage is an attack on their religious beliefs. Rush
Limbaugh can call as many pro-choice women activists sluts as he
wants. That's his constitutional right. But sponsors have the the
constitutional right to yank advertising from Limbaugh because they take
offense to having their wives, mothers, sisters, and daughters being
called sluts.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
(Correction: In the above post I noted Kirk
Cameron is an 'actor' which was later deemed offensive to
actual talented, working actors. Thus the line should be corrected
to 'former child star and grown-up douchebag Kirk Cameron'. I
apologize for this oversight and any insult which this may have caused)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>NEW RULE #11 - In the Hunger Games vs. Twilight Debate There's A Clear Winner:</strong>
Takeaway the love triangle in Hunger Games and its still a kick-ass
tale about a cruel televised fight to the death while serving as a
modern take on Joan of Arc and subtle satire on reality television. Do
the same for Twilight and its just a bunch teenagers in the
Pacific Northwest who mope around in the rain all day. Conclusion:
Hunger Games wins and true to the Capital's autocratic style there will
be no arguments or dissension. Thank You</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>NEW RULE #12 - Generational Warfare is the new Class Warfare:</strong>
As detailed by Stephen Marche in Esquire back in April, the real
economic woes being experienced by young people today are not
necessarily the 1% vs. everyone else but retired people over age 65
enjoying unprecedented wealth sometimes at the expense of those under
age 35. Some stats for you to chew on:</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="400" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/530156_4415407825842_2145062120_n.jpg" width="346" /></span></div>
<div class="caption" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
(From:Esquire)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Now
to add insult to injury the up and coming older generation regarded as
the Baby Boomer generation who still cling to the reigns of power in
both government and business are suddenly on a kick about austerity and
cutbacks for social programs because of the National Debt. A debt of
$15 Trillion dollars <strong>THIS</strong> current older generation
created and now seem unwilling to sacrifice themselves to pay down. If
this seems patently unfair it is.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/179523_4415408385856_1310580360_n.jpg" /></span></div>
<div class="caption" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
(From: Esquire)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
So
much for the social contract that each generation tries to leave
things better than when they found it. Not trying to paint Baby Boomers
with too broad a brush but to summarize: They got everything,
sacrificed nothing, ran up a giant debt while leading Government,
created the practice of outsourcing jobs while leading Business. And
now want to tell young people facing record unemployment they must foot
the bill because 'austerity for thee but not for me'.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="204" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/555039_4415409425882_1095392443_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></div>
<div class="caption" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
(From: Esquire)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Young
people in their 20's and 30's need their own version of the AARP
(American Assoc. of Old Farts urr Retired People) to lobby Congress
and reset our social priorities to include affordable higher education,
health care, solidifying Social Security, and oh yeah jobs. The good
news is by 2010, the Millennials, and Gen Y'ers will outnumber those
over 65. So if every eligible young person voted, and helped grabbed
the levers of power, politicians would suddenly be inclined to balance
public spending to serve the needs of everybody instead of just telling
those damn kids to get off Granny's lawn.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>AND
FINALLY, NEW RULE #13 - Since mental illness and gun rampages appear
correlated, lets use sales tax from guns and ammunition to fund
adequate mental healthcare in America:</strong> To be honest I don't
understand the allure of guns but since the 2nd Amendment gives people
the right to bear arms, if people get their jollies from shooting guns
then so be it. Back in colonial times having a gun was essential for
warding off bears, Indians, British soldiers, etc. Today though gun
ownership is mostly a hobby, like sailing, bird watching, or antiquing.
But unlike those other hobbies, guns have a huge collateral price in
lives lost.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="300" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/599311_4415410745915_499782116_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></div>
<div class="caption" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
('Hi, Can I get a AK47 fully automatic rifle, 60 rounds of ammunition, and I'm sort of in a hurry!')</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
In
light of the latest mass murder tragedy in Aurora, CO, I wish the
Nat'l Rifle Association would realize that like alcohol which is also
guaranteed in the Constitution, owning guns comes with responsibility
and there should reasonable limits to who can get a gun. I wish gun
owners would sacrifice a little bit of convenience for safeguards like
closing the gun show loophole and having quantity limits on high
powered ammunition sales.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Understandably from the gun
seller point of view what exactly constitutes a 'responsible' adult can
be tricky so why not take portion of gun sales taxes every year and
fund mental health facilities where people who look ready to go off the
rails on a crazy train can get help instead of a getting a gun. And
people identified as likely to commit violence can safely be taken out
of the general population when they represent a threat to everybody
else. Failing that can gun sellers at least use a little discretion,
like when a person who seems 'a little off', 'appears a few croutons
short of a salad' or has the 'thousand yard stare' suddenly wants to
buy a high powered assault rifle and has an unexplained urgent need to
have it now. Feel free to say 'uh, how about a nice water pistol
instead?'</div>everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-58274918858842020262012-06-28T10:08:00.000-07:002012-07-05T16:06:04.315-07:00How a 1950's Horror Movie Explains Our Healthcare Crisis (And Why the Supreme Court Just Made The Right Decision) PART 2<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<b>Part 2</b></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<b>8. So how did we get to this point? -</b></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Well
Teddy Roosevelt wanted to start National Health Insurance program
running for a third term in the Progressive Bull Moose Party....but the
1912 elections got in the way (he lost)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Later Franklin D. Roosevelt wanted to try something similar as part of his New Deal......but World War II got in the way</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Then
President Richard Nixon and Sen.Edward Kennedy had an idea to create
something similar to Obama's plan in 1972....but two scandals (Nixon's
Watergate and Kennedy's Chappaquiddick) got in the way</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Then Hillary Clinton offered up a plan for universal health coverage....but William Kristol got in the way. Who?</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/392913_4269373695080_1210668369_n.jpg" /><span class="caption"> </span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><span class="caption">Next time the health system fails you. You can thank him</span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Legend
has it as a compromise to Hillarycare, President Bill Clinton and
Republican Senate Minority Leader Bob Dole would craft legislation
involving much of the same things in today's health care reform. Bill
Kristol was the chief Republican strategist who advised then Sen. Dole
they could score political points and win the 1994 election by
demonizing the health care reform instead of cooperating on a
bi-partisan solution.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Dole listened to Kristol, the health
care reform failed, the Republicans won the 1994 election. But it also
brought us to where we are today where Republicans and the Billionaire
Conservative sugar daddies who bankroll them placing value on
short-term political victories over the long-term public good. An old
adage states politics is about winning the day but governance is about
winning the future. Thanks to people like Bill Kristol and Karl Rove,
the hyperfocus on politics along with the cynicism and shortsightedness
that it breeds have allowed the Healthcare Blob to grow to epic
proportions where the free market may not be able to solve the problem
by itself anymore.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
The irony is what Obama proposed was
essentially a Republican idea born out of a conservative think-tank
called The Heritage Foundation. The concept of an Individual Mandate
was that we are responsible for own health care costs, but the creation
of a health insurance exchange could help people without employer
based coverage find affordable health insurance and make sure everyone
had medical coverage. The reason conservatives liked this idea was
because it preserved private, free enterprise system of healthcare
while providing a social safety net without the need for universal
health care. It's what Mitt 'Any Which Way the Wind Blows' Romney
instituted in Massachusetts as Governor, you know when he championed
healthcare reform before he was against it. Or was he against it first,
then for it when convenient as Governor, now back against it? With him
who the hell knows.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<b>9. So without Obamacare how would this movie end? One ending is the worst case scenario</b> -</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
The
Gen'Xers and Y'ers and Millenials and any other 'ers who come after
would like to help sustain Medicare through our payroll taxes. But
since the 2008 economic crash (brought on by Boomers) sort of destroyed
the concept that getting good education begets getting a good job at
this rate the medical costs of the old won't be able to be paid for by
the young thus starting a vicious chain reaction..... </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
When
health care costs escalate to where employers both big and small
decide the costs of paying health insurance aren't worth the tax
deductions providing employees health insurance. Note I mentioned in #2
health insurance comprises 16% of total employee costs. The magic
number or tipping point for this to occur is estimated by Economists at
30%. So they turn 'employees' into 'contractors' where legally they
don't have provide benefits...</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
And workers are left
without employer coverage face huge Individual health insurance
premiums that are more expensive than a mortgage....</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
And workers then have to spend all their money on expensive Individual health insurance premiums instead of consumer items....</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
And because nobody buys anything that causes economy to tank and Wall Street turns into claptrap....</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
And
the banksters and baron robbers in the 1% who spearheaded the
Obamacare takedown in Supreme Court in the first place to start losing
all their wealth too.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<b>10. The other alternate ending: Within 20 years the United States institutes Medicare For All</b> -</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
I
said earlier conservatives would be thankful Obamacare was upheld and
here's why. In talking to my Public Health professor for my graduate
classes, what Obama's plan represented was really a last ditch effort to
save the private insurance industry from the Healthcare Blob.
Previously things like Health Maintenance Organizations, Managed Care,
Evidenced Based Care, Patient Centered Homes, Wellness Incentives, etc.
and all the other industry buzz words and initiatives have failed to
halt the advance of escalating health care costs.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
The goal
of Obamacare was to bend the medical cost curve downward causing the
Healthcare Blob to retreat and eventually get it down to a manageable
size. All the while preserving a free enterprise, capitalistic health
system which frees up revenue for private employers to invest in jobs
instead of health insurance. And the tax revenues from those jobs could
be freed from paying rising Medicare costs for public investment on
things like schools, and infrastructure. The kind of public investment
that mark a civilized, modern, advanced society.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Regardless
of rich or poor, young or old, Democrat or Republican, Tea Party or
Occupy Wall Street, White or Bluecollar, 1% or 99%. All of us are at
risk of being eaten by the 'The Healthcare Blob'. While the Obama plan
wasn't perfect, it's a start. Republicans have the opportunity to
either part of the solution or be part of the problem by continuing to
be an obstacle on the path to health care reform. Eventually relief
from high medical costs will become a bi-partisan demand. The latest
Gallup poll shows only 17% of Americans think our current healthcare
system is fine, the vast majority 83% believe healthcare reform is
needed even among majority of Republicans who do not like Obama's plan.</div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Thus
if Obamacare had been struck down and the healthcare blob had been
allowed to progress down its destructive path. The likely scenario is
the overwhelming public demand would eventually bring about a Medicare
For All system of universal healthcare becoming law. And the
conservatives who would have been popping open the champagne today over
Obamacare's defeat would have inadvertently brought about the one
thing they feared most: Socialized medicine in America.</span>everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-52823837953362233412012-06-28T10:00:00.001-07:002012-07-05T16:05:26.434-07:00How a 1950's Horror Movie Explains Our Healthcare Crisis (And Why the Supreme Court Just Made The Right Decision) PART 1<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Disclaimer: I work as a Senior Public Health Policy Analyst at a
large Health Insurance company in the Philadelphia area studying the
exact problems Healthcare Reform tried to solve. But rather than bore
you with dry statistics and mind numbing analysis, I'll use a 1950's
horror movie explain our health care crisis. And why The Supreme Court
made the right call. (And why conservatives who opposed it will be glad
in 20 years)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<b>Part 1</b></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
In the 1958 movie 'The
Blob' starring Steve McQueen, a meteorite crashes outside a small,
rural Pennsylvania town. When a local farmer checks it out the rock
opens to reveal a bio-mass blob that looks like jello but quickly
proceeds to eat the farmer, and the hospital he was taken to, and the
town the hospital resides in, and anyone too slow to run away from slow
moving mass of Cranberry sauce (not exactly great special effects back
then). The blob essentially gets bigger as it devours everything in
its path growing larger and larger until virtually unstoppable. Film
buffs note the movie's symbolism had shades of the Cold War with blob
representing communism devouring freedom loving America.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/532123_4269265812383_1737071880_n.jpg" /><span class="caption">Not exactly high end effects back then</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
However
in today's context The Blob can explain the healthcare crisis as it
slowly devours America's economy, people, and way of life:</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<b>1.</b> <b>What The Is Healthcare Blob and where did it come from</b>
- Globally there is a spectrum of two kinds of healthcare systems. On
one end is universal health care (or single payer health care) in
Canada, UK, Japan, and most of the Industrialized World where health
care is free of charge and available to any citizen. The caveat being
high taxes are needed to pay for 'free' health care system that
everybody uses. On the other end is the US and most of the Developing
World where no health insurance is guaranteed and people must get
insurance on their own unless poor (Medicaid) or old (Medicare). The
caveat being people have lower taxes and freedom to choose health care
systems, but get sick without it and you are
U-P-S-H-I-T-C-R-E-E-K-W-I-T-H-O-U-T-A-PA-D-D-L-E.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
The
American healthcare blob is comprised of two things, 1) Escalating
healthcare costs due to us becoming unhealthier, living longer, and new
technologies that save lives but cost a fortune and 2) 50+ million
uninsured who when sick and use health care probably can't pay for
it which also drives up the costs. President Obama's plan tried to
focus on the latter in hopes it would bring down the former.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<b>2. It's eating our jobs</b>
- Here in the US most health insurance is provided by
employers because back in World War II when price controls were in place
employers could not offer prospective employees higher wages but could
offer benefits like health insurance. They also get tax breaks for
providing health care to employees. Back in 1958 this was win-win for
both employer and employee since health care costs only accounted for 2%
of an employees cost to an employer. In 1985 it grew to 9% to where
today its 17% of a worker's cost is tied up to their health benefits
due to the escalating cost of medical care and is the main reason job
growth in our country has slowed down. This also why outsourcing jobs
overseas to places like Asia and Latin America are so attractive,
employers don't have to pay for health care and in some cases don't
have pay employees at all.(I'm looking at you Apple and Nike)</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<b>3. It's eating our paychecks</b>
- Next time you get a raise from your work try this exercise. Compare
the raise in your salary to the increase in your health insurance
premium. I will bet money that whatever raise you got in pay was
negated by the increase in your health coverage. Generally the rate of
inflation in the US is 3% for most consumer goods. As long as worker's
annual salary increases stay ahead of inflation, their net income
should grow. But health care costs increase 7% each year, and if you
have private insurance guess where they pass those increased costs? To
you the member. Add in publicly traded health insurance companies where
the shareholders have have to get paid first and profits are wrung out
by raising premiums, not lowering costs. So 3% increase income - 7%
increase in health care = Disappearing Middle Class.</div>
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<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="210" src="http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/600228_4269268892460_103508173_n.jpg" width="400" /><span class="caption"> </span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><span class="caption">USA is #1: in escalating health costs per year Source: OECD</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>4. It's eating our economy</b>
- Health care expenses comprise 15% of America's GDP meaning $1 out of
every $6 spent in this country goes toward medical costs.
Conservatives have longed poo-pooed universal
healthcare saying individuals should not pay for someone's else health
costs. But here's the irony, everyday we pay for someone else's
healthcare. Built into the price of every consumer product sold in
America is a manufacturer's healthcare costs. Buy a new Honda and 18% of
the car's price is to pay for Honda employee's healthcare. Buy a
coffee from Starbucks and 18% of that Grande, Choca, Latte whatever is
the Starbucks employee health care costs. So how can companies lower
that 18% to stay competitive and offer a lower price? By laying off
employees (and the burden of their healthcare) and shipping jobs
overseas.</div>
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<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="388" src="http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/557758_4269273092565_525708638_n.jpg" width="400" /><span class="caption"> </span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><span class="caption">We spend more money but get far less out of our health care system. Source PBS</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<b>5. It's Eating Our Uninsured </b>-
If you have insurance, next time you get a bill from your doctor, call
them up and ask how much of the bill is from 'the uninsured tax'.
They'll look at you the way Martin Scorsese looks at Lindsay Lohan when
she asks to be his next leading actress. You won't find on any itemized
medical bill nor will any health provider ever admit to it but tacked
onto the price of any medical service is the cost of uninsured patients
who could not pay. So to recoup costs they append it spread out of
course to anyone with private health insurance.</div>
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<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="280" src="http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/577250_4269275012613_943893105_n.jpg" width="400" /><span class="caption"> </span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><span class="caption">Rate of uninsured from 1987 to 2008 Source: Census</span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Classic
example: I once needed a head CT scan once for my cleft palate surgery
but my health insurance (also my employer, let that irony sink in for a
moment) would not pay. So the billing lady says normally they charge
$1,500 to the insurance but if I pay cash out of pocket its only $150.
Think about it for a second. If the actual CT only costs $150, why
would you charge insurance $1,500 (a 1000% markup)? Answer: the
uninsured who could not pay for CT services rendered.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Now
the uninsured fall into two general classes. First are the working
poor, too rich to get Gov't assistance but stuck in a job with no
health insurance or underemployed. These are the people who the<i><b> State Healthcare Exchanges</b></i>
were intended to help by providing affordable insurance plans to
individuals who need them. Premiums would be subsidized by financial
need and in exchange for all the new guaranteed business, health
insurance companies could not deny coverage to people with pre-existing
conditions.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Second, are the functionally stupid who have
means and opportunity to pay for employer based health insurance but
don't because they think they are young and invincible thus will never
get sick and won't need insurance. These are the groups of people the<i><b> Individual Mandate</b></i> intended as an encouragement to take up employer offered health insurance or pay a $2,500 tax at the end of the year.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
The
functionally stupid are people like that hotshot motorcyclist going
120 mph down the freeway weaving in and out of traffic like an asshole.
Then they flip their ride sustaining severe injuries, but with no
insurance, and no ability to pay for that CT scan of his busted face.
So the hospital bills his CT scan..to mine...and yours...and anyone
with insurance to pay for that $1,500 CT scan. </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<b>6. It's eating our young</b>
- In demography, a universal indicator of public health is the Infant
Mortality Rate (# Infant Deaths per 1,000 live births). In countries
with excellent health care, the IMR should be less than 4 out of 1,000.
So where does US rank? 43rd with a IMR of 6.81 (Singapore the lowest at
1.92). Add in indicators for child health such as nutrition, obesity,
and preventable diseases we rank last among Industrialized countries.
So how can it be that despite having the most technically advanced
healthcare system in the World, we trail Cuba in infant mortality?
Unequal access to healthcare caused by unequal availability of health
insurance coverage. Obamacare will now be able to fix it.</div>
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<span class="" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="310" src="http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/528090_4269281372772_1987037193_n.jpg" width="320" /><span class="caption"> </span></span></div>
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<span class=""><span class="caption">In a country with abundant resources, why is this happening? Source: WHO</span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<b>7. And if left unchecked The Blob will completely devour our current healthcare system as we know it</b>
- Think of America's age distribution like a Python with young forming
the head and tail being the old who die off. Now picture a Python that
just ate a large pig where there's a giant bump in the middle. That's
caused by Baby Boomers between the ages of 45 and 65 and its a ticking
time bomb to our healthcare system. At every stage of their life cycle
Baby Boomers consumed everything, and left nothing for later
generations like affordable higher education, jobs, the concept of
retirement, etc.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" height="259" src="http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/534765_4269284372847_911740493_n.jpg" width="400" /><span class="caption"> </span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span class=""><span class="caption">The bulge in the middle = DOOM Source: Census</span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
And
now this gluttonous horde of narcissistic, whining, self-aggrandizing
ass wipes are about to reach retirement age. Oh joy. The people who
destroyed the American dream are about to lay waste to our healthcare
system. (Full Disclosure: If you're a Boomer reading this and find this
offensive. Good! Because I'm a Gen X'er and everytime I open
my retirement statement or look at my falling home value, my hatred for
you grows throughout every fiber of my Nirvana listening body).</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Good
luck getting a doctor's appointment in 20 years, or quickly getting a
elective health procedure in a hospital without waiting for the steady
march of walkers, wheelchairs, and canes to go by ahead of you. Also if
you're expecting an inheritance from a Baby Boomer, forget it because
over the long term health care costs will eventually erode those away
as well.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Though I advise purchasing stocks in private
hospitals and long-term care because think of all that profit baby! On
second thought don't do that. Because if Boomers can drive up costs for
real-estate and education, just wait til they get to drive up
everybody's healthcare costs. And it's because of the Baby Boomers that
our current healthcare system becomes unsustainable and will eventually
collapse. But the Obama health care reform will be a turn in the right
direction.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
And in Part 2 I will explain how and why the Supreme Court just made the best decision in this country's history</div>everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2600080323084748757.post-39965824745402741312012-02-22T13:48:00.000-08:002012-02-22T13:48:23.207-08:00It's Your Completely Unnecessary Guide To the Oscars<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
By Jason Neal</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
WARNING: The following has been satirized for your protection</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
First
something of a disclaimer, back in college when I had something called
free time and could engage my cinephile hobby. I would have seen every
movie and performance on this list and could have given you complete
breakdown of each category. But alas adult responsibility came along
now I'm limited to occasional Netflix and anything playing on basic
cable. So in full disclosure I really haven't many of the nominees, BUT
that's OK. Because I suspect many of the actual Oscar voters have not
either and at least I have the integrity to admit it. </div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
The
likelihood of winning is measured in 'Jack' units or how many Jack
Daniels drinks would you would need to get the swagger of Jack
Nicholson before appearing on stage ranging from 0 representing just
Happy To be there, to 4 meaning grab your sunglasses, smirk, and the
thank you list cause your headed to the podium! The 'Jack' units will
appear in the ( ) along side nominee and each category ranked most to
least likely.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:</strong></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Berenice Bejo, <em>The Artist (</em>3.5)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Octavia Spencer, <em>The Help</em> (3)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Janet McTeer, <em>Albert Nobbs</em> (2)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Jessica Chastain, <em>The Help</em> (1)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Melissa McCarthy, <em>Bridesmaids </em>(1)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Personally
I would give it to McCarthy but since Oscar voters have zero sense of
humor so rule her out. Jessica Chastain's 'chestacular' performance
will get her a Mr.Skin.com nod but sadly not here. Janet McTeer got
overshadowed by Glenn Close. So we're left with Spencer and Bejo. Best
Supporting Actress tends to favor the breakout role and Spencer would
have had it locked had it not been for the late surge of The Artist so
the Oscar goes to Bejo.</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>FUN OSCAR FACT #1:</strong> If
you want to watch an actor squirm, find one whose career happened only
because they are the child of some other famous actor, and ask this
question: 'So Kate Hudson (or insert your own actress) now really tell
us....assuming you weren't Goldie Hawn's daughter (or insert famous
parent)...which of the following would you be doing.... working at a
Wal-Mart or Denny's?'</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:</strong></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Christopher Plummer, <em>Beginners </em>(4)</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Kenneth Branagh, <em>My Week With Marilyn</em> (3)</div>
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Johan Hill, <em>Moneyball </em>(3)</div>
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Nick Nolte, <em>Warrior </em>(2)</div>
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Max von Sydow,<em> Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close</em> (1)</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Now
personally my vote would to go von Sydow to make up for the Oscar snub
two decades ago with the classic beer comedy Strange Brew. Nolte is
out because frankly the Academy is afraid of what a acceptance speech
on LSD laced with Crystal Meth would look like. Branagh is like the
Kate Winslet of male actors, great performances but always overshadowed
by some one-trick pony. Comes down to Plummer and Hill and since this
category always tends to go to older actors as sort of quasi lifetime
achievement award, your winner is Plummer.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>FUN OSCAR FACT #2: </strong>Here's
a phrase, you'll never, EVER hear at the Oscars acceptance ceremony:
'Wow thanks but really I'm just some guy playing make believe.
Seriously 4 year olds can do this so there's no need for all the hoopla
and pageantry. I'm donating this statuette to be melted down so
the proceeds from the gold given to starving children in Haiti.'</div>
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<br /></div>
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<strong>BEST ACTRESS:</strong></div>
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Michelle Williams, <em>My Week with Marilyn</em> (3.75)</div>
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Violet Davis, <em>The Help</em> (3.75)</div>
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Glenn Close, <em>Albert Notts</em> (2.5)</div>
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Meryl Streep, <em>The Iron Lady </em>(2)</div>
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Rooney Mara, <em>Girl With The Dragon Tattoo </em>(0)</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
Scratch
Rooney Mara since watching the rape scene in Dragon Tattoo for voters
was probably like sitting through Lindsay Lohan reciting the alphabet
in a sobriety checkpoint stop, painful. Glenn Close gave a great
gender-bending performance but the film required voters to actually
think so she strikes out again. Streep nomination too controversial
since Brits take offense to an American playing a Brit better than a
Brit playing a Brit, so to avoid an international incident she's out.
Leaves photo finish between Davis and Williams which very similar to
the choice facing George Clooney whether to have the lobster or the
crack crab when dining in the South of France while entertaining some
hot, 'model turned actress' girlfriend.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<strong>FUN OSCAR FACT #3: </strong>On the red carpet, keep your eye out for when someone asks Kristen Stewart 'Why do you keep giving me that awkward look?'</div>
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<br /></div>
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<strong>BEST ACTOR:</strong></div>
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Gary Oldman, <em>Tinker, Tailor, Solider, Spy</em> (3.5)</div>
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Brad Pitt, <em>Moneyball </em>(3)</div>
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George Clooney, <em>Descendents </em>and because he's George fucking Clooney</div>
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Jean Desjardins, <em>Warrior </em>(0)</div>
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Denian Bichiri, <em>Better Life </em>(0)</div>
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Best
actor usually is all about star power so Desjardins and Bichiri are
out at the start. Now Clooney already got a statue for his performance
in <strike><em>Gets More Ass than The Driver's Seat of a Rental Car </em></strike><em>Syriana</em> so probably won't get a second one this year. <em>Moneyball </em>focuses
on the Oakland A's who actually never won anything with the moneyball
system so neither will Brad Pitt. Thus your winner is Gary Oldman for <em>The Professional</em> urr...<em>Harry Potter </em>urr...<em>The Dark Knight.</em>.urr..
Tinker Tailor, something or other. Oldman basically is like the Honey
Badger of Hollywood: 'The honey badger is a bad ass. He just takes
what we he wants because the honey badger don't care, the honey badger
don't give a s...'</div>
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<strong>FUN OSCAR FACT #4: </strong>If
Pitt should win, best part of Oscar night will be the camera panning
to Jennifer Aniston as she tries to hide the scorn and thinks of her
next entry in her 'Burn Book'</div>
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<strong>BEST PICTURE (ranked from least to most in 'Jack' units):</strong></div>
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<em>Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close</em>
- Title also describes what its like living with a toddler, but the
post 9-11 flick overloads on sentimentality. Though Oscars like
sentimentality this movie had enough to give Diabetic insulin shock (0)</div>
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<em>Tree of Life</em> - Terrence Malick's spiritual piece undone by the fact no one knows what the hell is going on during the film. (0)</div>
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<em>Midnight In Paris </em>-
First time in long time Woody Allen appears in category but film only
seen by NYU Film students and by the .0000003% of American movie goers
who actually think Woody Allen films are funny (1)</div>
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<em>The Descendants </em>-
Alexander Payne best known as a director who can perfectly balance
comedy with emotionally serious material. But it's the comedy part of
the equation that rules out Payne..again... since Oscar voters are SOOO
serious. (2)</div>
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<em>The Help</em> - The first Oscar contender where plot revolves going to the bathroom (2.5)</div>
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<em>Moneyball</em>
- In real life being a statistician will get you a good job, but in
Hollywood it doesn't get you golden prize or the hot chick (2.5)</div>
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<em>Hugo </em>- It's sort of like if Martin Scorsese directed a Pixar feature. Oh wait it is like Martin Scorsese directed a Pixar movie (3)</div>
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<em>Warhorse </em>-
Two months ago I would have said this as the Best Picture, but if
you're Steven Spielberg you're getting that queasy feeling that 1999 is
about to happen all over again. You know where another war masterpiece
<em>Saving Private Ryan</em> got eclipsed by a late surging indie flick <em>Shakespeare In Love</em> thanks to that undeserving hack Gwyneth (BLECCH) Paltrow..because now here comes....(3.5) </div>
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<em>The Artist</em>
- A silent movie that goes old school but wins votes because its
storyline is based on something extremely rare in Hollywood these
days...an original idea. Who knew? (4)</div>
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<strong>FUN BONUS: </strong>Since <em>The Artist </em>is a silent movie, I'm going to do an impression of the average West Virginia moviegoer's reaction to seeing it theaters:</div>
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'Hey
Thelma Ray! Better move git yer beehind up and talk the manager I
think something wrong 'cause the sound aint workin'. And shoot somethin
wrong with the color too. It's black and white. And why they all
dancin? When they gonna start blowing shit up?'</div>everybodysacomedianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13930476525462334901noreply@blogger.com0