Because I Should have been a comedy writer..

The Anti-Love Boat, Tim Tebow, and Move Over Las Vegas its Fargo!..North Dakota!

2012-02-10T13:00:00.000-08:00

Were Going To Fargo, Baby! ....FARGO! - You may be surprised to learn that North Dakota actually has a Tourism department with the thankless job of trying to entice people to actually come to North Dakota. The dream is to have a plane full of tourists fly into Fargo which doesn't involve a emergency landing on its way to somewhere else. Below is their latest genius promotion. Look at it and let it sink in for a moment:

So let's say you are a strapping young lad with money to burn and wild oats to sow. Why waste your time in Las Vegas, Miami Beach, or New Orleans when you can go to Fargo, eh? Pretty much feel free to write your own caption below but my top favorites:

'And dude you wanted to go to Bismarck (high five)'

'So in No'rleans you throw beads to get chicks topless, so how's that work here?'

'The 4H Hokie Pokie? Were so there man!'

Who Knew...that Eli and not Peyton would be the Manning with the most Super Bowls? - With Giants' latest SB win, Eli has 2 Super Bowl rings to Peyton's 1. And to add insult to injury Eli won both over Peyton's arch-nemesis, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. Anyone else have a feeling Thanksgiving at the Mannings could get interesting when Peyton tries to pull the big brother card?

Who Knew...that Michele Williams and not Katie Holmes would be the breakout actress from Dawson's Creek? - When we first watched Dawson's Creek we always thought that Katie's spaced out , ineffectual performance was just her character. Evidently that was basically upper limit of her acting ability.

In American politics, There Actually Are Some Things Money Can't Buy - This past month on January 18th you may have noticed Wikipedia, along with a host of other social media sites went black for a day to protest SOPA or Stop Online Piracy Act, the latest in a string of really bad ideas to come from the US Congress. Under the law, say you decided to share the latest funny moment from The Office over Facebook (yes, I know The Office jumped the shark long ago, but hypothetically speaking work with me here) In essence the Gov't could order Facebook to shut down your account and you could be fined or face jail time, because you technically stole copyrighted material and pirated it over the Internet.

The more you learn the more the flaws in the law become obviously apparent. Like how could Facebook enforce it? how could Gov't enforce it? how would anyone actually know The Office was still on TV? etc. Which is why public outcry managed to drown out the millions of dollars major entertainment companies lavished on lawmakers to try to enact SOPA. After that blackout day, majority of Congresspeople who supported it quickly backtracked and the law is about as dead as Tori Spelling's career.

In response I'd like to propose for Congress the IDIOT Act. No acronyms, just an act that says lawmakers must actually understand technology before trying to pass laws to regulate it. During the blackout, many congresspeople who sponsored were outed as having violated their proposed law on their own social media pages. Besides I don't know about you but those FBI Warnings they put at front of DVD's put the fear of God into me if I ever thought about pirating the latest crap TV show so why would we need SOPA?

Breaking Health News: Its good to have blood in your fat stream - Paula Deen, the queen of buttah, announced she has Type II Diabetes. Here's where you insert your shocked face that someone could get Diabetes from high fat, greasy, fried cooking. Of course in true American fashion she decided to capitalize on it by teaming up with Pharmaceutical company NovoNordisk to be their celebrity spokesperson for a new line of Insulin products. In business terms it's a WIN-WIN. Paula Deen's fans gets Diabetes from her recipes and then need high priced Insulin products to treat it. For all you Business students this is what they call a revenue stream.

For The Love of God - I'm sure Tim Tebow is a nice guy and his deeply held Christian convictions are sincere. But having grown up in a generation where we watched holier than thou religious leaders proclaim to be living embodiment of Jesus only to fail spectacularly (regardless of whether Evangelicals ever took notice). So it's not I'm rooting for Tebow to fail so much as waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What I teach my kids about faith is that no one is perfect, we will always have moral lapses but that's OK. It's part of the process for gradually becoming a better person because faith is lifelong process of learning about yourself in relation to God. The danger is in thinking and proclaiming that you are perfect and you alone speak for Christ. Because then you are just setting yourself up for failure since God has a way of making fools out of those people (just ask Eugene Robinson or better yet Google 'Eugene Robinson+That Super Christian football player busted for prostitution night before Super Bowl 33+that football player who gave up the game winning TD in Super Bowl 33 presumably because he was distracted from his arrest the night before')....

....Because the only universal absolute I know is this - God does not care about the outcome of football games. Or beauty pageants. Or the Country Music Awards. Or the MTV Music Video awards. Or the winner of American Idol. I'd like to think God has more focus on helping refugees in a war zone reach safety than petty little contests whose outcome is only symbolic in nature. So can we stop thinking Tebow leading the Broncos to an 8-8 record and sneaking into the playoffs was caused by the divine hand of the Almighty. It was the Broncos' defense and special teams, duh!

Karma Really Is A Bitch - According to study in the Journal of Sexual Health from The Univ. of Maryland Medical Center, as many as 50% of penis fractures seen in their ER (A moment for men to reflex in pain) were happened to men while in the act of infidelity (A moment for women to laugh hysterically). Researchers theorize men in the act of cheating may be more under pressure therefore more likely to miss or accidentally hit something hard (well harder than it). Might explain the prolonged absence of Ashton Kutcher from the set of Two And Half Men.

It Was Sort of Like The Titanic...minus the romance, iceberg, or chivarly - When the Italian cruiseliner Costa Concordia got stranded on a sandbar on to the Tuscan coast, it helped ensure that the phrase 'Italian Maritime Safety' will become the hot, new comedic punchline of the year. In engineering theory, major system failures usually do not start from one big mistake but rather from a series of small mistakes that snowball into one big 'We're Sooo F***ed' moment exemplified below:

#1 The ship deliberately went off course so one of the crew members could wave to family onshore.

#2 Being so close to shore, the ship's captain Francesco Schettino should have been manning the bridge but was instead having dinner with a hot Russian passenger presumably in the pursuit of trying to get some.

#3 In American maritime law, cruise ships cannot leave port without conducting a lifeboat drill, just in case that 1 in million chance something goes wrong does come to fruition, crew and passengers know what to do. The Costa Concordia never had such drill because the crew apparently had other more important things to do like trying to score with hot Russian passengers.

#4 Without this instruction, the scene on-board after hitting the sandbar resembled one big Cluster F*** since no one knew where to evacuate safely. The crew having never been properly trained a~~bided by the old maritime tradition of women and children first~~...it was every man for himself leaving stranded passengers to swim for shore on their own.

#5 Capt.Schettino ~~gallantly stayed on-board til every passenger was safe~~...actually jumped in the first lifeboat and high-tailed it to shore. Leaving the Italian Coast Guard to have to run rescue procedures on-board.

#6 Someone forgot to put Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On' in the CD player to add the ambiance of the scene.

When politics becomes Cancerous - If you think about it cancer is the ultimate equal opportunist. It does not care if you are rich or poor, it does not care if you are Liberal or Conservative, it does not care for which race you are or ethnicity you come from, it does not care for gender, geography, age, or religion. It also doesn't care if you have health insurance which is why it was disheartening to see The Susan B. Komen Foundation undo 20 years of goodwill with one bad mistake.

Last week Komen tried cutting off Planned Parenthood with funds to provide breast cancer screenings for low income women, it ultimately was revealed the reason were its Pro-Life Board members did not like that PP provides abortions. Technically as a man I should not care about the abortion debate but this exemplifies why I have such disdain for the Pro-Life movement. They place an almost cult-like stature to the human fetus, and the fact they were willing to sacrifice lives of grown human beings in the name of protecting a fetus regardless of the circumstances surrounding an abortion reveals a distorted pathology.

Now being Pro-Choice, I consider it sad when abortion occurs since so many couples who desperately want a child and can't have one would gladly adopt one. But every situation different so who can really judge except a woman and her doctor. A logical solution to reducing abortion seems to me is to reduce unwanted pregnancies but that's where the Pro-Life folks get really weird. They also tend to be anti-contraception and anti-sex education, which for me explains what they are really about. The Pro-Life movement has never been comfortable with women taking control of their sexuality and reproduction which makes Planned Parenthood for them the ultimate evil. Never mind only 3% of PP involve abortion with rest focused on giving uninsured women access to reproductive health care.

Oh And One Other Thing About Komen... - College students taking Public Relations 101 in the future will study from the Komen-Planned Parenthood fiasco that bad PR can grow exponentially in the age of the internet. Tax returns showed that Komen annually only gave 25% of its charitable proceeds to actual research in combating breast cancer with rest going to Administrative and Marketing costs. Really?

I'm not a non-profit guru but seems like that number should be reversed. Every October I gave money to Komen and wore pink to show support because with a wife and two daughters breast cancer may one day affect me. But if only a quarter of every dollar is going towards fighting breast cancer then why am I donating? Komen says the marketing portion was about raising awareness but breasts tend to raise awareness all by themselves, since women already have them and men like to look at them. Until Komen gets its shit together I won't be giving a dime.

The Proust Questionnaire (Shamelessly Stolen from Vanity Fair)

2012-01-11T10:43:00.000-08:00

by Jason Neal

I'll never be famous or important enough to be asked by Vanity Fair to fill out their iconic Proust questionnaire. But doesen't mean I can't try:

What is your idea of perfect happiness: Sitting on a beach in Aruba with my wife and a bucket of Heineken

What is your greatest fear: Leaving for work one morning and never being able to come back home to my family like the victims in the World Trade Center.

What historical figure do you most identify with: Sir Winston Churchill

What trait do you most deplore in yourself: Timidity

What trait do you most deplore in Others: Arrogance

What is your greatest extravagance: Enjoying a good beer while smoking a cigar

What is your favorite journey: Back roads of Arizona

What do you consider the most overrated virtue: Piousness

Which living person do you most admire: Aung San Suu Kyi, Burmese Democratic Opposition Leader

Which living person do you most despise: Charles & David Koch, CEO's of Koch Industries and any 'Koch'sucker politician who takes their money.

On what occasion do you lie: Spare someones feelings or prevent a bad decision

What do you dislike about your appearance: When you have cleft lip its pretty obvious

Which words or phrases do you most overuse: I'll get to it later

What is your biggest regret: Not keeping in touch with friends from childhood

When and where are you most happiest: Quality time with family where all four of us are in a sublimely happy state which the outside world cannot interrupt.

Which talent would you most like to have: Comedic timing

What is current state of mind: Rushed bordering on edgy

If could change one thing about self what would it be: Normal looking upper lip

If could change about family what would it be: Parents both still alive

If you come back as anything, what would it be: A ghost in the White House

What is most treasured possession: Wedding bands from parents and grandparents

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery: Being in a work meeting that has nothing to do with you on a busy day knowing its an hour of your life that you will, never, ever get back.

Where would you like to live: St.Ives, Cornwall in England

What is your favorite occupation: Social Worker

What quality you most like in a man: Integrity

What quality you most like in a woman: Humor

What do you most value in friends: Honesty

Who are your favorite authors: Irvine Welsh, Nick Hornby, Ken Kesey

What favorite hero of fiction: Atticus Finch

What favorite hero of real life: Morris Dees, Civil Rights lawyer, founder of the Southern Poverty Law Center and modern day Atticus Finch

What is it that you most dislike: The moneyed, corporate interests that have far too much influence in our political system.

How would you like to die: Peacefully, painlessly on a Cornish beach

What is your motto: 'Onward and Upward, Always'

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It's Your 2011 ROSSY AWARDS!!!

2012-01-02T06:50:00.000-08:00

These awards originated out of my fraternity from college, and celebrated all of our best (or worst) moments drunkenness, debauchery, and just plain moments of stupidity. Today we're grown up and so to have The Rossys as we celebrate the best in salacious achievements throughout the World!

The Happy Hour Lasted An Hour Too Long Award - A inebriated Arizona Cardinals fan in Phoenix decided to celebrate a rare victory by masturbating in a motel parking lot. When confronted by police, said fan responded by inviting them 'To Come Get Some'. Instead Police invited him to get some at the Maricopa County jail where there were probably others in his condition more willing to take his offer.

Best Moment of Law Enforcement Not Featured on TV Show Cops - A woman in Gurnee,IL was arrested for assaulting an officer with a dildo after a traffic stop. Sadly no video exists of said assault but when asked by Prosecutors to describe the weapon, officers noted the weapon in their police report as a 'clear, rigid, feminine, pleasure device'

The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence: Field Trip Category - Eighth grade students from Berwick, PA who took a trip to the Baltimore Aquarium got an extra special treat for lunch: Hooters! Known as the place for wings, beer, and uh other things, where undoubtedly boys had no complaints and girls could determine how far along they were in training bras. When parents complained the local school board defended the lunch as providing well rounded education (unsure if pun was intended). But on the plus side there was increase in fathers volunteering to chaperon on next year's trip.

The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence: The Improved Literacy Category - First graders at Emerson Elementary School near Los Angeles as a part of a 'Reading Is Fun' campaign got a special treat as a celebrity read to them in class. Not just any celebrity but porn star Sasha Grey, 2010 AVN winner (The Oscars of Porn) for Best Anal Sex scene. Reportedly Grey enjoyed the experience since most porn scripts are written only at a elementary reading level though many parents were not amused. Luckily for school admins the furor died down quickly when offended parents were asked 'If you don't watch porn than how do you know Sasha Grey?' An awkward silence usually followed from the Dads then typically responding 'Well, on second thought what harm is there in learning reading'

Best Impersonation of Cop by A Transsexual Hooker - Police in Baltimore, MD received several reports of motorists being pulled over and having their licenses taken by a man impersonating a cop...while dressed as a woman...with a blond wig...wearing long, knee high leather boots...and fishnet stockings. To date him (or her) has not been found, nor have any of the licenses have been recovered. However some male victims reported they were stunned but not completely turned-off, and found the whole situation strangely curious.

The Fly The Friendly Skies Award: Celebrity Category - French actor Gerard Depardieu was kicked off an Air France flight from Paris to Dublin for urinating on the floor of First Class shortly after takeoff. After being refused use of a lavatory, Depardieu protested by relieving the contents of the complimentary champagne in front of the stewardesses. We are fairly certain somewhere in America a braindead local news anchor reporting the story made the obvious pun 'First Class clearly isn't what it used to be, Haha...now onto Weather...'

The Fly The Friendly Skies Award: Disgruntled Employee Category - Passengers aboard an overnight Virgin Atlantic flight from Orlando, FL to Glasgow, Scotland received a warm, friendly wake-up call of 'Good morning, you cunts!' Allegedly, the message was intended for crew but accidentally went out to the whole plane. However seeing as most of the passengers were Scottish, the c-word may be have been taken as a term of endearment.

Best Fight: Non-Drinking Category - Police in the village of Xuzhou in the Jiangsu province of China were called to break up a melee among 200 villagers resulting from a local father using strippers as entertainment for his son's wedding. According to eyewitness reports men initially were fighting to get a better look at the show, but when wives arrived the reason switched to 'Were shocked, shocked to find nude dancing here' and the brawl escalated form there.

Best Fight: Drinking Category - A Thanksgiving dinner in Racine, WI turned sour when the 23-year boyfriend of the host was arrested for threatening another guest with a butcher knife after they took his favorite seat at the dinner table. Allegedly adding to the comedic aspect was the perpetrator being 5'3" tall and the guest being over 6'0" and able hold attacker at bay with simply having long arms.

Best Riot Not Involving European Soccer Fans or a Chuck E Cheese - In Greece, fans of Panathininaikos BC celebrated a European Basketball League playoff victory over Barcelona by setting fire to their own arena. In response to the incident FIBA the basketball governing authority said typical arena party songs 'The Roof Is On Fire' and 'Burning Down The House' would no longer be played. In a related sports note, Panathinaikos BC would go on to win the European Basketball Championship which represented another championship that Lebron James and Miami Heat did not win.

The Cheech and Chong Award - Rhode Island State Assemblyman Robert Watson this Spring was arrested for DUI and pot possession after being stopped at a DUI checkpoint. What clinched the Rossy for Rep. Watson was days earlier while criticizing the State's Legislature, he was quoted saying Rhode Island would become a great place for 'A Gay Guatemalan who likes to gamble and smoke marijuana'. Political analysts noted the bizarre nature of the incident noting Sen. Watson was neither gay, nor Guatemalan, nor had any history of gambling.

The Ethics In New Jersey Politics Award - Jersey City councilman Steven Lipski was arrested for urinating from the balcony of Washington D.C. music club onto patrons below listening to a Phish cover band. Luckily for the councilman, there were no serious repercussions since most people agree that A) music from Phish in general sucks and B) anyone who would pay money to see a Phish cover band probably deserves to be urinated on.

Best Use of Prostitution - A Physics professor named David Flory at Fairleigh-Dickinson University in New Jersey was fired for his creative way to supplement his teaching income consisting of running a brothel out of his New Mexico vacation home. Colleagues became suspicious when good professor started showing up to his lectures wearing gold chains, walking around with a cane, and telling students 'Bitch better have my term paper'.

Best Combination of Prostitution and/or Illegal Drugs - Many civic minded groups often face the challenge for fundraising. But one Mummer's group in Philadelphia found an very profitable method to raise funds for their float in the annual New Year's parade...a cocaine and hookers party!

Philly Police sent undercover cops to investigate whether the Downtown Fancy Brigade, a Mummer's group was selling liquor without a license in their clubhouse and found out they were selling more...much more. It what could only be described as The Shriners meet Scarface, the end result were arrests of 10 prostitutes, 15 johns, a gun, and enough cocaine to fuel Lindsay Lohan for a week. And the brigade's Treasurer there to make sure they got a cut of the action. No word if The 4H Club were planning on adding some new elements to their annual Country Line Dance hoedown.

Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - A 34 year old in Vermont man was arrested for vandalizing his ex-girlfriend's car, but what caught the Rossy committee's attention was the part where he misspelled the word 'Slut' on the hood. The suspect was arrested by Police, while being questioned,when they asked him to spell out 'Slut' which he then wrote as 'Sult', same spelling as was spray-painted on the car.

The Gordon Ramsey Award for Best Restaurant Moment - The Chili's Southwestern Chicken can come in spicy flavor but one women eating at their Albuquerque, NM restaurant really got spicy when she pierced her tongue with a needle. Around that same moment in the kitchen a line cook was saying 'Hey Man, I got to divvy up this marijuana for sale after my shift, anyone seen my hairpin I normally use to roll joints? I left it by the chicken...Oh, (Bleep)!'

After that experience, Chili's figured a $50 dinner coupon probably wasn't enough to make up for needing a Tetanus shot and the woman's lawyers agreed as they presumably paid a large sum of money for her to eat at TGIFridays from now on.

The Charlie Sheen Award for Epic Achievement In Partying - From an anonymous forwarded e-mail detailing how a mid, 20-something aged male working in a large business firm in Chicago decided to regale his co-workers with his adventures the previous evening. His story detailed the following:

- How trashed he got at company softball game
- Afterward,at the bar he got into a altercation with a teammate when he made unwanted advances to that person's girlfriend
- Tells how lucky he was not to get a DUI driving around Chicago later that night trolling for hookers.
- Woke up next morning covered in his own puke
- Came into work late and was probably still drunk

Said employee detailed all of this in an e-mail....sent to the entire company. Reportedly shortly afterward this employee was summoned to Human Relations and subsequently never heard from again. Whoever you are Mr.'Because Thats How I Roll' the Rossy committee salutes you.

The LeBron James Flaming Asshole of the Year Award - Alasdair Thompson, CEO of the Employers and Manufacturers Association of New Zealand in a morning radio interview blamed women for low productivity and higher cost citing menstruation and child birth: "Because you know, once a month they have sick problem. Not all women, but some do. They have children and they have to take leave off"

Thompson barely made it to that afternoon before having to quickly apologize but similar to a carload of baby shit being thrown into a large Industrial fan, the damage was done and he was out of a job. Although Thompson did not say so publicly, we are pretty certain he would be in favor women giving birth if child slave labor was legal.

The Karma Is A Bitch Award sponsored by Chick Fil'A - A man in Delano, CA who was participating in an illegal cockfight died after...wait for it.....accidentally being stabbed in throat by his Rooster. No really you are allowed laugh at this.

The 2011 Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee - A man in Connecticut was arrested for insurance fraud, identity theft, and a litany of other charges after posing as a severely brain damaged patient so home health nurses would come to his house and care for him. The payoff for this gentleman particularly was the part where they would clean up after he made a dooty....because he had a Infantalism fetish. Unfortunately the gig was up when a nurse who came early caught him walking around, smoking a cigarette, sans adult diaper. The Rossy Committee suggests to Mr.Brain Freeze-Poopy Pants that surely there must have been a Craiglist section for that kinda of thing. And willing participants probably come cheaper than a home health aide, too!

The 2011 Rossy Lifetime Achievement Award - In times of great uncertainty, there have been great orators who encapsulated the wisdom needed to persevere. Whether it was the American Civil War (Abraham Lincoln and The Gettysburg Address), Darkest Days of WWII ('We shall never give up, We shall never surrender' from Winston Churchill), or crossroads of the Civil Rights Movement (Martin Luther King and his 'I Have a Dream' speech)

For these troubled times of 2011, with economic turmoil in Europe, political upheaval in the Mideast, and America having a crisis of confidence. The Rossy committee could find strength and comfort in the wisdom of one Carlos Estevez aka Charlie Sheen. From his interview on ABC News which will one day be engraved in stone:

'I'm on a drug and it's called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available, because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, “Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!” …

I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, had to unload 22 years of fiction … the fiction of A.A. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning.

I’m dealing with fools and trolls. They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives, and then they look at me and they say, “I can’t process it.” Well, no, you never will. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.'

So to summarize the 2011 Rossy Awards: WINNING!

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My Unnecessary Guide To the 2012 Republican Presidential Primaries

2011-12-21T14:07:00.000-08:00

Warning: The following has been satirized for your protection. Photos courtesy of Wonkette

Since the Washington Post political reporting is staffed by a bunch of idiots, Fox News are bunch of corporate shills, and NYT's Maureen Dowd is an overrated hack. I thought I would bring you the only political analysis of the Republican Presidential Primary that really matters. Otherwise known as I read political blogs so you don't have to.

Here I evaluate each candidate rating their threat to Obama in Joe Biden BFD units (Big Fuckin Deal). This score ranges from 4 (Causes Obama to get gray hairs and need a cigarette) to 0 (Obama can start making plans for his Second Term Inauguration).

The Corporate Establishment Bracket

Mitt Romney

Romney surveys his fiefdom

You might know him as - Former Governor of Massachusetts

Strengths - Republicans like their nominees to look 'presidential' and Romney looks like he came straight from central casting for the part. Essentially the man bankers are counting on to keep the Bush tax cuts going.

Weaknesses - Has managed to take both sides of every issue at some point in his political career depending upon which way the wind blows. Also he created universal health care reform in Massachusetts which looks oddly similar to the one Obama instituted.

BFD Meter - 4

Jon Huntsman

That's Huntsman with an H not C

You might know him as - Former Governor of Utah and US Ambassador to China

Strengths - Moderate with ability to raise conservative talking points without scaring the off Independent voters. Has good hair, Also his daughters are hot which should excite Maxim readers (see below).

Sadly reporters were more interested in his daughters

Weaknesses - His moderate tone probably won't play well with the typical evangelical, Southern conservative who like their politics deep-fried. Neither will his stint as Ambassador to China where he was appointed by...Obama

BFD Meter - 2

Newt Gingrich

Asshat sold separately

You might know him as - Former Speaker of the House of Representatives, History professor, Bill Clinton's arch-nemesis, professional asshole

Strengths - The ultimate shape-shifter. A politician who can survive in just about any political landscape. Can raise money from Wall Streeters in the one day and spend it posing as a fire breathing populist to the Tea Party in the next.

Weaknesses - Never met a microphone he didn't like which leads to a daily helping of him looking like gasbag. Thus as voters get to know him the less they tend to like him. His serial adultery won't play well with the Born Again Christian crowd.

BFD Meter - 2.5

The Tea Party/Religious Right Bracket (aka The people clinging to their guns and religion)

Rick Perry

Clearly compensating for something

You might know him as - Current Governor of Texas

Strengths - Can bring the Southern good ol' boy charm along with the good hair and rap that speaks to the NASCAR race fan voting bloc. Has managed irritate Karl Rove which gives him Anti-Establishment cred that Tea Partyers crave.

Weaknesses - 'There are three departments that I will cut as President: Education, Commerce, and uh...uh....umm....(90 seconds later)...uh..Oooops..can't think of the third'
Nothing like having a brain fart on Nationally televised debate.

BFD Meter - 2

Michele Bachmann

I'm crazy like a fox...or just crazy

You might know her as - Current Congresswoman from Minnesota

Strengths - Went Tea Party before it was cool to go Tea Party among GOP power players. While some dismiss her as crank, may have have Machiavellian instincts to dial up just enough crazy to appeal to the Far Right but stay under the mainstream media's radar.

Weaknesses - May actually be batshit crazy. Seems to have problem reconciling some her claims to anything resembling reality.

BFD Meter - 1

Rick Santorum

She googles 'Santorum'

You might know him as - Former US Senator from Pennsylvania

Strengths - The Religious Right's preferred candidate after publicly stating he would outlaw Abortion and thinks all contraceptives should be banned which secretly gets Pat Robertson aroused.

Weaknesses - Google 'Santorum'...seriously...do it...no really...you've got try it!

BFD Meter - 1

The Libertarian Bracket (aka Conservatives who like to smoke weed and watch South Park)

Ron Paul

Paul and his freedom loving, tax hating groupies

You might know him as - Current Congressman from Texas

Strengths - Quite possibly the only man in Washington who actually says AND does what he believes. Has been the only Republican to voice concerns about War on Terror infringing on civil liberties.

Weaknesses - As patron saint of the Ayn Rand crowd is not afraid to say he would dismantle Medicare and Social Security which considering retired voters are major voting bloc means he has a snowball's chance in Hell in a general election. Karl Rove would burn down the GOP convention before allowing Paul to get the party's nomination.

BFD Meter - 2

Gary Johnson

You might know him as - Former Governor of New Mexico

Strengths - Popular governor in a largely Democratic state and possibly only Governor to ever sport a pony tail. Bears a strong resemblance to 'The Dude' in the Big Lebowski

Weaknesses - Wants to legalize marijuana and reform immigration which puts him squarely against the law and order crowd.

BFD Meter - 1

The Not.Gonna.Happen.Ever Bracket (BFD Meter for each name below sums up to 0 POINT 0)

Buddy Roemer

You might know him as - Former Congressman and Governor of Louisiana

Strengths - Served both State and Federal level.....

Weaknesses - Served both State and Federal level...as a Democrat in the 80's

Thaddeus McCodder

You might know him as - You probably don't but Current Congressman from Michigan

Strengths - Thaddeus who?

Weaknesses - see above

Fred Karger

You might know him as - You almost certainly never have but he was political consultant if you really need to know

Strengths - First openly gay politician to run for President

Weaknesses - First openly gay politician to run for President...for the GOP nomination...in a party that virulently anti-Gay. Good luck with that sir.

Gone but not forgotten:
Herman Cain (His endorsement could be key)

Gone and very much forgotten:
Sarah Palin
Tim Pawlenty

And the WINNER of the GOP Primary will be: Mitt Romney! Gingrich and Perry split the Religious Right/Tea Party/Batshit Crazy voters who make up the Anyone but Romney contingent which provides Mittens the opening he needs pass through to the Winner's circle. Ron Paul continues his Don Quixote'esque quest for the Presidency which ends up like a cult TV show: has rabid, cult following but falls far short in terms of actual votes and ends up cancelled.

And the WINNER of the 2012 Presidential election will be: TOSS UP! Essentially a replay of 2004 where a vulnerable incumbent faces a flawed challenger. Whoever wins it will be a 51-49 split.

Forget Meet The Press since David Gregory is an absolute tool...because THIS could be the key to deciding the 2012 race: The dark horse for running mate would be Marco Rubio, US Senator from Florida. A Romney/Rubio combo would peel away two big voting groups Obama would need: white college educated professionals and Hispanics.

Black Friday Madness, Insane Clown Posse, and Belguim = Anarchists' Paradise

2011-12-14T16:31:00.000-08:00

by Jason Neal

From The Annals of Chutzpah - In an attempt to clear their good names and protect whatever is left of their once grand fortune. The Non-indicted members of the Madoff family (so far) have written a tell-all arguing they knew nothing of Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme, that essentially boils down to: 'Even though we had no idea where the $2 Billion came from, we just cashed the checks and assumed he got it waiting tables or something'.

Legal analysts when asked if this strategy would work replied 'Uh good luck with that.' So best strategy for the Madoffs is to change their name, go to some faraway country, and just disappear. Because there is a reason you never meet anybody with the last name of Ponzi anymore.

The latest Terror Threat To America - Juggalos, the self-described fan base of the rap duo Insane Clown Posse (see photo) who may or not may be some post-modernist, absurdist comedy act were labeled a gang by the FBI. But lest Juggalos get confused for Bloods, Crips, or Hell's Angels, loitering in the parking lot of the local 7-11, while wearing facepaint and drinking Diet Faygo would not exactly be construed by prison lifers as 'hard core'

Look out middle America, it's your worst nightmare

NBA Lockout Avoided - Thankfully only about 15 games of a 82 regular season had to be cancelled (and you thought NASCAR dragged on forever). This will undoubtedly spare the most vulnerable and I speak of the entourages of the players of course. Those unsung heroes who make sure the Escalade is ready for that 2:30am ride to the strip club and there are enough dollar bills to make it rain. And you can really blowout your thumbs handling haters on a players Twitter account.

America Is Now Officially China's Bitch - The US Military backed out of a deal to sell Taiwan several fighter jets, officially saying it did not want to escalate tensions between China and Taiwan whom China considers a renegade province and gets miffed when Taiwan's dogs poops on it's yard. In reality its because US is so indebted to China that all the Beijing has to do to destroy America is call in the debt. So Taiwan, it was nice knowing you.

Belgium: The Hot New Destination for Anarchists - From April 2010 through December 2011, Belgium was officially without a government after its Parliament could not produce a ruling majority marking a European record for longest period without a government. No economic collapse, or chaos or societal breakdown were reported. Just Belgians carrying on at what they do best namely drinking beer, making chocolate, and holding a 200 year old grudge with the French. Many people wonder if the US would prosper without central Gov't but that's pure hogwash. Because corporate lobbyists would be out of a job.

Oil Isn't the only natural resource about to run out - Remember when coffee cost a nickel? In the near future we may be saying 'Remember when coffee only cost $20?' Thanks in part to the rapid growing middle class in the developing World who have formed an insatiable demand for coffee. And global warming where new research from the International Centre for Tropical Agriculture warned it would become too hot to grow coffee in many the world's main producers like Ghana and Ivory Coast by 2050.

So that Cup O' Joe may end up being called Cup O' MY God, You Want Me To Pay What?

Does It Actually Pay To Be Nice? - According to Guido Heineck of the Inst. for Employment Research the answer is No. His study published in Industrial and Labor Relations Review he found a negative relationship between earnings and agreeableness. So in other words the bigger asshole you are, the more likely you are to make more than your co-workers. But also presumably there is a negative relationship between being a prick and odds of being invited to happy hour.

...which probably explains Wall Street Bankers' Success - Traders on Wall Street boycotted Mario Batali's restaurant Babbo in New York's financial district after he likened them to Stalin or Hitler. One unnamed trader complained to Wall Street Journal 'I can't believe I just spent $4,000 there the other night' which highlights why Occupy Wall Street exists. How many Americans in this economy can afford to drop $4,000 on a restaurant tab for trendy Italian food? And Wall Streeters wonder why the other 99% hate them.

You Go Girl! - Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback got owned by a high school senior in what quite possibly is the most pathetic display of power in American politics. After 18 year-old Emma Sullivan trashed Gov.~~Douchebag~~ Brownback via Twitter, aids to Brownback who saw the tweet tattled to her high school principal who demanded Sullivan write an apology. But Sullivan refused reminding said Principal that First Amendment rights of US Constitution still apply to teenagers and took to the web to call out the Governor as a whining, crying, little bitch which goes viral and Brownback is forced to actually apologize to Sullivan. That kids is how you take on oversensitive, hypocritical, blowhard politicians.

So Much for All That - Herman Cain, millionaire, former CEO of ~~God Awful~~ urr Godfather's pizza and a straight up playa' quit his Presidential campaign after allegations of sexual harassment and adultery. In defense of Cain on two fronts, first I'm sure in the pizza business there is legitimate use of the phrase 'Hey Baby, would you like some hot sausage in your pie'. Second, carrying on an affair for 13 years is still longer than any monogamous relationship Newt Gingrich ever had.

NEW RULE - If you pepper spray other people waiting in line at Wal-Mart or step over a dying elderly man to get last $9.99 DVD player during Black Friday you are officially insane - I know they call it Black Friday Madness but really that's just an expression. The sudden disappearance of tanning beds from the Jersey Shore probably would not elicit as much hysteria. Because technically Christmas is about the birth of Jesus and if he were here he would tell everyone waiting for Target to open at midnight to calm the fuck down.

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Song of the South, Occupy Wall Street, and Why Conspiracies Are So Hard

2011-10-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

By Jason Neal

NOT Coming Soon to a Theater Near You - As part of their latest parental extortion scheme, Disney over the course of the next few years will be opening the vault to all their hits for limited engagements via 3D. But don't expect 'Song of the South' coming around anytime soon ....or ever. Because remember reading about those good old, halcyon days right after the Civil War where the South was bastion for racial peace and equality? Neither did anyone else. Which is why Disney wishes it could magically make every VHS tape of it still out there disappear like The Jonas Brothers.

The 1946 live action/animation film set in the Reconstruction Era of the South where an elderly Black sharecropper Uncle Remus regales small children and animated furry animals with stories of Southern folklore. While most famous for its Oscar winning song 'Zippity Doo Daa', its also noted for its cringe inducing effect caused by its racial stereotypes and slave/master overtone that managed to be blissfully ignorant of history making it the SECOND most politically incorrect movie of all time.

FUN BONUS FACT: You'll notice I said 'Song of the South' was the SECOND most politically incorrect movie of all time. That honor goes to the 1971 film 'The Day the Clown Cried' a fun, whimsical Holocaust tale starring Jerry Lewis as a concentration camp political prisoner forced dress as a clown to be a pied piper for Jewish children and lead them to their deaths in a gas chamber. Worst part was how the movie was going to be marketed as a dark comedy (I'm not kidding). Not surprisingly the producer after seeing finished result immediately canceled its release and ordered all reels and negatives destroyed. Looking back it probably saved Jerry Lewis' career so his awkward performances are reserved for his lounge act.

Casual Sex? Yeah there's an app for that! - Based off the popular gay app Grindr, now comes Blendr for heterosexuals which shows the GPS location of anyone in your immediate area looking for sex at that very precise moment. So say it's lunchtime and your looking for a little 'somethin,somethin'. Click on the green dot to message whomever and assuming they have (choose one) no standards/addiction to crack/zero impulse control...bada bing....you're back a work...with hopefully no need for Anti-Viral medication. It's like a McDonald's drive thru for nymphomaniacs.

US Congress, only slightly more popular than Penis Cancer - According to Gallup, the approval rating for Congress stands at a meteoric 12%. The real question here is who are those 12% of people who actually think this current crop of lawmakers is doing a good job. Seriously did they poll mental wards and retirement homes?

Permission Granted to Serve Fabulously - Do Not Ask, Do Not Tell was officially phased out allowing gay and lesbians to serve in the military openly. Also as we approach the 10 year anniversary of gay marriage slowly becoming legal, a helpful guide of what has transpired thus far:
Funny how civilized society hasn't collapsed

Not that Steve Jobs needs any more eulogizing, but... - Did you know the Apple IIe computer helped end the Cold War? In December 1988 Soviet Premiere Mikhail Gorbachev came to New York City for a summit with President Reagan and newly elected Bush the Senior. Legend has it all three visited a elementary school in Harlem where Gorbachev was given a tutorial on how to use a personal computer...by an 8 year old. So stunned was Gorbachev by the ease of which a kid could learn new information from this revolutionary machine, he suddenly realized his country had nothing technologically of that magnitude. And for any hope of Russia to compete with the West things back home were going to have to change. Thus it was at that moment the seeds of Soviet Union's demise were sown.

But Seriously, Steve Jobs doesen't need anymore eulogizing - While I believe Jobs belongs in the pantheon of Edison, The Wright Bros, and Galileo. Let's not get carried away because was still a human after all. Which is a polite way of saying Jobs could be sort of a prick. The reason I never became Apple fanboy was all of those shiny new devices were made in nearly slave labor like conditions in China. So while his vision of personal computing liberated many, it also trapped others. Plus people who worked him said he had a mean streak the size of Haley's comet.

Wherein I examine the most pressing question of the Amanda Knox Trial -With Amanda Knox acquitted by a Italian Supreme Court for allegedly going OJ on her college roommate while as an exchange student in the country. The biggest unanswered question surrounding her case is not about the dysfunctional Italian legal system or even if she did it. For men at least it's would you...like...you know...do her?

To assess this question we'll utilize a scientific method called 'Rachael Ray Units'. This is the measurement of how many alcoholic beverages would you need to consume for TV host Rachael Ray to become attractive or in this case Knox. For Amanda Knox the results are 6.2 (as in needing 6 beers and 2 shots) which puts her in Sarah Jessica Parker territory.

Quite possibly the Greatest Waste of Time..EVER - A website called http://blackboardsinporn.blogspot.com/ is devoted to evaluating the content written on blackboards in porn scenes using the typical student-teacher scenario. No actual nudity or sex shown so it's SFW. Just grading whether what's on the blackboard is correct. God Bless America!

Why Conspiracies Are Hard To Pull-Off - A statistical theory from entsophy shows a formula for why:

To see the real reason, one must understand the central tension of a ringleader. If you increase the number of conspirators for greater effectiveness, you also increase the chance of failure. Moreover, effectiveness increases slowly as you add conspirators but the chance of failure increases rapidly.
This can be formulated in a model. Let n be the number of conspirators and let p= probability that a single conspirator will not cause failure, either through disloyalty or incompetence. Then

Chance of Success = p(n)
Effectiveness = An

Or in other words the more number of conspirators, the higher chance of relying on someone who is a complete dipshit or someone who cannot keep their mouth shut. Which is why I never really believe conspiracy theories involving our Gov't since that would require immense cooperation and sophistication among large bureaucracies without a single person screwing it up or blabbing about it. If you've gone through airport security lately you know this is not possible.

But some Conspiracies Succeed Splendidly - What if I told you that there was secret organization made up of powerful Billionaires and corporations who conspire with key politicians to influence and pass laws in all 50 State Legislatures across the country. You'd would say I should be fitted for tin-foil hat, right?

Let me introduce you to ALEC or American Legislative Exchange Council. A seemingly benign sounding organization but directly responsible for a large volume of legislation in Statehouses across the country all of which is aimed at benefiting large corporations. Founded more than 20 years ago by the various moneyed interests of this country who decided it easier to influence laws they wanted at the State level which often go unnoticed as opposed to the Federal level. So in exchange for upwards of a $25,000 membership fee (otherwise you have to call it a bribe), corporate donors can introduce laws they want enacted to legislators from all 50 states at one time. Then politicians take the proposed legislation back home and introduce it as their own idea and in return are rewarded with nice, fat campaign donations in doing their master's bidding. And thanks to Supreme Court case Citizens United vs. Federal Election Commission which now allows unlimited corporate donations its pretty sweet investment for America's economic royalty.

Here's a sampling of how it works. Do you think it's coincidence that stripping collective bargaining rights for Public employees were introduced in Wisconsin, Ohio, and Tennessee almost all in the same month? Of course not, it came from ALEC. Why? So the For-Profit Education Industry can begin the process of taking over Public Education without the interference from those pesky teacher unions. But since this organization is technically not breaking the law the real conspiracy is why isn't the media covering this?

Some investment advice to the Wall Street Bankers: 'Be Afraid....Be Very Afraid' - I have no idea whether The Occupy Wall Street will lead to much needed financial reforms. But it has already accomplished the one thing the Financial Barons fear the most. Remember the film 'Beetlejuice' where the title character can't make materialize to wreak havoc unless you say his name three times? The Beetlejuice for Economic Ruling Class is when Americans start paying attention to three little words..Growing.Income Inequality...Which OWP just rocketed into the spotlight.

One little chart pretty much sums up the past 30 years, where rich got richer mostly at the expense of the Working and Middle Class. Though no one in the other 99% really noticed because our stagnated wages were masked the influx of cheap credit, 'affordable' housing, and consumer items made by cheap labor elsewhere. Plus we always seemed to be divided by petty grievances like Race, The Culture Wars, etc while preoccupied by absurdities in Popular Culture to really notice that Wall Street's insatiable need for higher and higher profits resulted in jobs moving overseas and evaporation of the American Dream for those who still had jobs.

But this recession has brought things into sharp focus because it was created by Wall Street's greed and whose benefactors collectively have suffered nothing as a result of it. And I have a feeling the old red herring of 'class warfare'' and 'socialism' often levied by the 1% and their enablers at Fox News just aren't going to work this time. The Trickle Down Theory that savings the rich get from low taxes will eventually 'trickle down' to the rest of us which formed basis of US economic policy since 1980 simply hasn't happened. If the ruling class think they can get away telling the nation to accept steep budget cuts, high unemployment, diminished social safety net while they get lower taxes. Then they snorted way too much cocaine with high priced hooker last night.

Your 2011 Summer Wrap-Up or 'May You Always Live In Interesting Times'

2011-09-15T15:56:00.000-07:00

'May You Always Live In Interesting Times' - Old Irish proverb

This summer of 2011 has been interesting indeed. A look back shall we.

When Canadians Attack - Actual time and money were spent by the Canadian Gov't to study the causes of the Vancouver riots after their team's loss in the Stanley Cup Finals. There conclusion literally boiled down to one sentence: "There were too many people and they were too drunk."

(Not everyone was bummed by the Canucks loss)

One thing is certain. Canadians are probably the most polite rioters you'll ever find. 'Excuse me sir would you mind stepping out of the car? We would not want you to get injured while we overturn and burn it, eh'

The English Did Too - London suffered its worst rioting since Arthur Treacher's prematurely ran out of Fish N Chips one time during the 80's. Though unlike Canadians who just like to drink and riot, there may have been something more substantive causing these riots coming in the form of economic inequality and high youth unemployment. Which is why American leaders might want to take note because those two ingredients are in plentiful supply over here. While highly unlikely, one extended cable television outage or finding out American idol is rigged could change all that.

(Prime Minister David Cameron: No really everything will be fine. Please remain calm. All is Well)

But Jobs May Have To Wait since The Tea Party decided hold the nation's economy hostage -Congressional teabaggers proved they really are nuts when they nearly caused Worldwide economic meltdown by refusing to raise the debt ceiling unless they get drastic spending cuts. Apparently they slept in during economics class in college when the professor explained austerity rarely does anything to improve the economy let alone create jobs. And the Wall Street Billionaires who bankrolled the Tea Party are probably reconsidering that experiment after the Stock Exchange continues to its downward decline since the full faith and credit of the US is no longer guaranteed thanks to a couple of wing nuts.

Obama, Total Loser? - Since Obama settled the debt ceiling issue by doing what he does best which is capitulate to GOP's demands making supporters wondering if really elected the second coming of Jimmy Carter. A lot of people who voted for him wonder at what point does he start fighting back against the Far Right. Therefore conventional wisdom which is all our fearless media really has to offer assumes Obama is perceived as weak therefore toast in 2012.

Obama, Zen Master? - Which is why the pajama pants punditry may be wrong as they usually are about most things. By letting the GOP hold the nation's economy hostage over the debt ceiling, Obama made them look absolutely batshit insane to the average voter. Richard Nixon once said that the key to winning an Federal election as a Republican was 'Run like hell to the right in the primaries, then run like hell to the center during the general election.' Combined with the Republicans behavior in Congress, the GOP Presidential field have run so far to the right they may have just driven any hope of winning 2012 off a cliff, let alone trying to make a left turn back to the main road. As master blogger Andrew Sullivan notes: 'Obama's core strength as a politician is getting his opposition to destroy itself.'

There is one idea that could regenerate jobs - Rearrange the corporate tax code so companies that keep good, high paying manufacturing jobs here pay no taxes while those who send jobs overseas but retain corporate offices Stateside get the full 30+% tax rate on profits.

Currently most of Apple's fancy little gadgets are made by cheap labor overseas, so they can make a 66% profit margin. Now if same production were done in the US, the profit margin would shrink to a measely 50%. The stumper here is why a 16% higher profit margin still can't buy Steve Jobs a better wardrobe beyond his omnipresent black shirt?

So what would it take for Apple to move production to America? Try tariffs on Apple's bottom line for every device shipped to the US from their overseas plant, while Apple's competitors who produce in the US would pay $0. Then Steve Jobs could create a new app for himself called iShouldProbablyRethinkMyBusinessModel.

Libya Gained Freedom and a Better Fashion Sense - The Arab Spring continued to roll along as Muammar (he actually liked to be called Larry) Gaddafi was ousted from power. In addition to a renewed hope for democracy, Libyans will undoutedly be getting a leader with a lot more style. Gaddafi dressed like he ruled, as a hot mess. He looked like Laurence of Arabia raided Elton John's closet.I mean when your despotic Head of State for an oil rich, vaguely terror supporting country you have to look like you at least put some thought into your wardrobe.

(Does this say fear my rule to you?)

Syria Though Only Has A Better Fashion Sense - In what might be the most tone-deaf, ill-timed, and possibly inappropriate magazine articles ever written. Vogue magazine featured a fashion spread and 3,000 glowing article about Asma Al-Assad. The wife of Bashar Al-Assad who is President of Syria and spent his Summer violently suppressing dissent in his country. This includes the torture, rape, and murder of a 12 year old son of a political dissident along with bombing unarmed civilians from planes that earned Al-Assad War Crimes charges by The UN Human Rights Tribunal. It says something when even Iran thinks you've gone too far, but to the editors of Vogue I guess it's all good as long as you look good doing it.

You Remember When We Were All Supposed To Die in May? - We all got a chcukle when the we were suppose to die on May 22nd, and nothing happened. There were a couple of serious consequences such as a few attempted suicides, a woman trying to drown her kids before the rapture, and retirees giving away their life savings to spread the message. I sort of felt sorry for those elderly true believers who basically got suckered, until I realized the main reason for doomsday prophesy was that gay marriage was now legal. Then I thought, 'Ah screw em. Serves them right for being that stupid'

You Remember all Those Warnings About Impact of Global Warming? - And a large segment of our population who don't believe in science along with all oil company executives sort of chuckled. But here's the funny part, this summer showed the ill effects from climate change might have already started. I always thought 'Global Weirding' was more appropriate term than 'Global Warming' because the changing environment was going to cause a lot of weird things to happen and our weather is starting to get wierd. Compare the predictions with what's actually been happening:

1.The interior of the US will become very hot and very dry - See Texas having over 100 days without rain and record high tempratures this Summer causing even camels in the Dallas Zoo to say 'fuck it's hot!'. And this part of much larger pattern of dry summers for Southwest over past few years.

2.There will be unbalanced distribution of rainfall across the US as some areas get drier, others get wetter - See New Jersey having over 30 inches of rain in August alone, when our yearly average is...42. At this rate a rainforest will sprouting up in our backyard and Newark will become the new Seattle

3.There will be more frequent and deadlier storms accross the country - See the tornadoes in Joplin, Missouri and Tuscaloosa, Alabama

4.The warming Ocean temprature will cause more frequent hurricanes - See Northeast US. One of the complaints about the Maryland, Delaware, and Jersey shores was the cold water did not make for good swimming. But it also served as a saving grace against hurricanes since they need warm tropical water to thrive and most stalled out by the Carolinas. Enter Irene who essentially fired a shot accross the region's bow. I have a feeling we'll be seeing more of these.

5.The Arctic Ocean will be ice free in summer by 2030 - See Russia and Exxon aggreeing to mineral rights and oil exploration in the Arctic Ocean since ice free Ocean waters tend to be convienant time to build oil rigs. Santa may need a houseboat instead of a Ginger Bread house.

Though the Biggest Agent for Change in Environmental Friendly Policies May Not Be Al Gore - Instead it will be the insurance industry. Claims from storm damage in the US have quadruppled since 1980. Which means premiums we pay on our home owners insurance have probably doubled whatever the size of that quadruple amount was. To the point now living in Florida is almost unaffordable and trailor parks in the Midwest might as well move underground.

Dick Cheney Wrote A Book To Apologize For Everything - Just kidding. Actually the Dark Sith Overlord and former shadow President Dearth Cheney (that's right I said it) essentially boiled it down to 'I did my way and if you don't like it then Go Fuck Yourself!.

Donald Rumsfeld Wrote a Book and Admitted He Screwed Up In Iraq - HA Just kidding Again! The memoir of former Defense secretary and all-around Mr.Warmth essentially said Iraq was everyone else's fault while throwing former Secretaries of State Colin Powell and Condeleeza Rice under the bus, then backing it up for good measure. This is sort of what a circular firing squad looks like.

How Empires Fall - Who knew that a 13 year-old murder victim in Britain could bring down the modern day version of Randolph Hearst? News Corp. CEO and Founder Lord Voldemort aka Rupert Murdoch is watching his media empire crumble after it revealed reporters from one his newspaper hacked into the phone of Sarah Payne and listen to messages for exclusives. When they erased messages to get more scoops it gave false hope to the family and police and potentially distracted them from finding the real killer.

And apparently this was standard practice throughout the UK as News Corp. reporters hacked the Royal Family, celebrities, soldiers killed in Afghanistan, Families of Victims of 7/7 London bombings, Across the pond here, News Corp. is being investigated by the FBI whether they hacked families of 9/11 victims. If this is proves true you may see the shitstorm of the Century and Murdoch's prized American media asset of Fox News will need a lot of umbrellas.

Quite possibly the greatest Out of Office message. EVER - Finally, Since Summer is the season of vacations, which means at offices everywhere it is the season of Out of Office notices. I present the greatest:

I am currently out of the office on vacation.

I know I’m supposed to say that I’ll have limited access to email and won’t be able to respond until I return — but that’s not true. My blackberry will be with me and I can respond if I need to. And I recognize that I’ll probably need to interrupt my vacation from time to time to deal with something urgent.

That said, I promised my wife that I am going to try to disconnect, get away and enjoy our vacation as much as possible. So, I’m going to experiment with something new. I’m going to leave the decision in your hands:

■If your email truly is urgent and you need a response while I’m on vacation, please resend it to interruptyourvacation@[redacted].com and I’ll try to respond to it promptly.
■If you think someone else at [the company] might be able to help you, feel free to email my assistant, and she’ll try to point you in the right direction.
· Otherwise, I’ll respond when I return…

Warm regards,

Josh

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Wherein I attempt writing those GEICO Car Insurance 'Rhetorical Question' Commercials....

2011-07-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: This is no way a paid endorsement of GEICO insurance but rather a test if I can be funnier than their million dollar marketing team. Frankly if their lawyers read this I'll probably get slapped with a cease and desist letter so enjoy while you can!

When reading imagine Geico's commercials where the overly serious, hard-boiled spokesman with the raspy voice says his trademark line then turning toward the camera asks about some absurd rhetorical question followed by a comic segment depicting the answer to that question. Now here just visually plug in each scenario below after the trademark question....

'Could switching to GEICO really save you 15 percent or more on car insurance?.......

1)...Do members of N'SYNC have trouble getting phone calls returned by Justin Timberlake?'

(Scene: Lance Bass in kitchen on phone calling for Timberlake but can never seem to get past his Assistant)

Lance Bass: Tell JT It's Lance Bass...we were in N'SYNC together...what do you mean he's busy for the next 15 years...Well tell him we're getting boys together for a reunion tour....Well alright I guess I'll stay on hold...NO not Lance Armstrong...Lance Bass...(click, dial tone) ..Hello?...Hello?

2)...Would winning a bar fight with an Octopus be a difficult proposition?'

(Scene: Dive bar by a shipping harbor with drunken longshoreman sitting next to a large, grumpy looking Octopus smoking a pipe)

Shoreman: What the hell are you looking at slimebag?

(Octopus grabs Shoreman's hat with tentacle #1 and lifts it over his head playing keep away)

Shoreman: Hey you pile of blob, give me that

(Octopus proceeds to slap shoreman with tentacle #2...then tentacle #5...then tentacle #3..then tentacle #7...)

Shoreman: Fight like a man you spineless mullosc!

(Octopus lifts shoreman with two tentacles and throws him threw a window followed by a splash denoting he has fallen into the water)

3)...Is Mariah Carey's therapist underpaid?'

(Scene: Therapist's Office with Carey holding her little dog on couch while therapist sits in chair looking absolutely miserable)

Carey: I just don't how little Cindy Loo-Loo here just can't get along Fuzzy-Duck Mo-Mo. Reminds me of the time we went to hidden unicorn valley on Candycane mountain and you (pointing to the dog) Loo-Loo got all mad with Patty Prissypants....

(Pan camera to therapist sneaking a sip of presumably whiskey from a flask and putting his head in his hands)

4)...Was anyone really surprised Ricky Martin was gay?'

(Scene: Ricky Martin and his agent in outdoor cafe in Miami's South Beach)

Ricky: Tommy I have a secret...I'm gay
Agent: Really? (facial expression belying feigned shock)
Ricky: Wow! Are you surprised? I must have hid it pretty well, huh?
Agent: No, not really (facial expression disappears) Helen Keller could tell you were gay. I mean if this table is Gaydar, you are dead ahead at 12 o'clock.

5)...Would Dane Cook getting punched in the nuts be the funniest thing he'd ever done'

(Scene: Cook on stage telling some long-winded, supposedly amusing story about his life)

Cook: So I tell the McDonald's cashier what you mean can't I have breakfast past 10? Then I say well it's 10:02 and haven't you ever heard of the customer is always right..wait it gets better..

(Ghost of George Carlin appears and punches Cook square in family jewels. Pan out to Cook writhing in pain on stage as crowd gives loud uproar and standing ovation)

6)...Would calling a little person a midget get you a kick in the shins?'

(Scene: On city street in generic city with grown man climbing on top of car holding his presumably injured leg while trying to keep away from angry little person yelling at him)

Little Person: You wanna know where the Yellow Brick Road begins!? It starts with my foot mother(bleeper)...and you can follow it as it kicks your ass! C'mon big man I'll even show you where the Keebler elves reside. (picks up metal pipe and starts breaking the car windows...Police sirens in background)

7)...Does Kanye West have a God complex?'

(Scene: Interview in non-descript hotel room as part of some publicity tour)

West: You know growing up I thought I was the Son of God since all my rhymes are divinely inspired for the betterment of mankind. But then my Sunday school teacher broke the news..'Kanye, the Bible already tells us God already sent his only Son to save humanity...and he wasn't you!'

(Interviewer tries to get a word in but fails)

West: After getting thrown out of class for calling Father a (bleep)sucker I fell into a funk you know because this Jesus fellow stole my thunder. And everybody was all like 'Jesus this, Jesus that'. But let me ask you, how many hits has Jesus ever had...

(Interviewer tries to answer)

West: Zero. He turned water to wine but has he ever turned water into Cristal?

8)...Does passing gas then blaming it on invisible animals only work for so long with kids?'

(Scene: Living Room of typical Suburban home with Dad reading newspaper in Laz-Boy and two 9 year-olds, a boy and girl are playing video games)

Dad: (loud fart sound)
Girl: Dad!..That's Gross!
Dad: It wasn't me...it was that tiny pink Zebra under the end table. He's invisible because you can't see him (looks condescendingly back at paper with smirk)
Girl: Oh so maybe it was also an invisible giraffe that always tries on Mom's lipstick
Boy (laughing): Yeah and maybe it was that invisible Rhino that got all dressed up as a woman and went to hang out at the truck stop by the Interstate calling herself Rhonda
Dad: I don't know (looking increasingly embarrassed, sinking in chair, hiding behind paper)

(Girl turns up iPod to Aerosmith's 'Dude, Looks like a Lady' as both kids point and laugh)

How Much Of An A**hole Are You? A Fun Quiz : )

2011-07-23T15:23:00.000-07:00

Since my work computer was being serviced all day by IT decided to make one of those quizzes we could actually use. For the following 12 questions answer Yes or No then add up all Yes responses to determine how much of an a**hole are you:

1. After Japan defeated the US to win the Women's World Cup, did you go on Chat forums and taunt their fans 'Yeah, but we got 2 World Cups and a World War...SCOREBOARD!'

2.Upon hearing Lamar Odom was involved in a car crash resulting in the fatality of a teenager, was your first thought 'Well, police can certainly rule out Lamar being distracted by Khloe Kardashian explaining nuclear physics'?

3.Think back in grade school while you were on a regular school bus and the short bus pulled alongside. There was always that one kid who noticed that A) kids on the short bus looked a little different and B) proceeded to make fun of those kids. Were you that kid?

4.Do a lot of your jokes start out with 'I'm not a racist but...' after looking around cautiously?

5.When Gary Coleman passed away, within 24 hours were you one of those people forwarding dead midget jokes via e-mail? (ie. They say death comes in 3's but Coleman's came in 2.5's)

6. Remember back to a commercial involving Med Alert in the late 80's and a certain iconic scene where an elderly woman on the floor screams 'I'VE FALLEN....AND I CAN'T GET UP!' Did that scene make you laugh? (Add 2 points if in general elderly ladies falling down is humorous to you)

7.Upon seeing Kidnap victim Jaycee Dugard interviewed after her 18 year ordeal, did she register high on your 'Inappropriate Hotness' scale leading you to mention that she's doable while at the Happy Hour with your co-workers?

8.Did you become a New York Yankees fan after 1996 or a Pittsburgh Steelers fan after 2005?

9.When someone shows you baby pictures of kid who's not so cute and her Mom asks if you think she's a pretty baby, did you ever reply 'Not really' (Add 2 points if you replied 'Now I know why Lions eat their young')

10.When walking through a big city and notice a Homeless person panhandling. Have you ever pretended to dig through your pockets to pull out some change only show an empty hand as a gag?

11. At a dinner party, the hostess mentions she's collecting donations for The Special Olympics. Do you attempt to make conversation by mentioning 'I really don't see what's so special about it since anyone can do those events?'

12. Read the following joke from comedian Louis CK then answer as to whether you were able to laugh without the slightest feeling of discomfort or guilt:
'My measure of a person's decency is how long they stopped masturbating after 9/11. For me it as after first tower fell but before the second one did'

Now add up all your Yes answers then check your score:

0 - You are a regular Mother Theresa loved by all living things, especially small children and furry animals

1 through 3: You are Christian Bale, an otherwise decent person but prone to occasional fits of assholishness. Usually your inner sphincter only comes as an angry response to other people like his infamous tirade on the set Terminator or as he would say 'OHHH Good for You!'

4 through 6: You are a Duke University graduate who tends to be a jerk-off by nature but like brilliant sociopaths can be charming when they have to be.

7 through 9: You are Labron James, a adolescent man-child whose assholishness is a unintentional consequence of having every need pandered to by others. He didn't mean to offend Cleveland with 'The Decision' as he was just unaware of other people's feelings. Or completely unaware other people existed period.

10 Or More: You are Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd C. Blankfein and do not feel constrained to the rules and subtleties of human interaction. You don't need to observe the nicety's or civility normally required to gain favor or status in a social setting. Because you're Lloyd (bleepin) Blankfein and therefore don't have to. Exemplified last year at a Congressional Hearing when asked if he wanted to apologize for his company's role in blowing up the economy in 2008, he replied 'No. Not Particularly'. Judaism calls refers to this as Chutzpah or if you are Michele Bachmann it's called Choot-spa.

It's Time For NEW RULES!!!! (The 2011 Edition)

2011-07-14T19:59:00.000-07:00

Yes this concept shamelessly stolen from Bill Maher but it's time for my NEW RULES

NEW RULE #1: Hair Metal Bands from the 80's have to stop blaming Nirvana for the genre's demise - This year marks the 20th anniversary of the release of Nirvana's landmark album Nevermind and undoubtedly there will be whining from aging metalheads blaming the band and subsequent Grunge movement that followed for spoiling the party. Actually heavy metal still lives, just in a different form without all the hairspray, gaudiness, and pleather pants (ie: Disturbed, Sevendust, etc.)

Sadly I'm old enough to remember the pre-Nirvana 90's pop music landscape which was a wasteland of aging 70's rock bands, hair metal, throwaway Pop stars, and clownish Hip-Hop acts. I can specifically recall the first time I listened to Smells Like Teen Spirit on the radio and it was the most refreshing thing I'd ever heard. Sort of the exhilarating feeling that must come after being stuck in a cramped closet with a chain smoker who never bathes but then someone unlocks the door providing an air freshener. Because by 1991 Hair Metal officially descended into self-parody with Warrant's Cherry Pie video. So if Nirvana didn't knock it off its pedestal, someone else surely would have.

NEW RULE #2: But since Grunge flamed out Axl Rose and Slash must reunite to save Rock N Roll - Apparently Maroon 5 and Five for Fighting are the supposed saviors of Rock? Umm no... more like saviors of Adult Contemporary. They basically are this generation's version of Peter Cetera and Chicago. My benchmark for whether music rocks is ask if you were a teenager would cranking it full blast in the car piss off your Mom. With this current crop your Mom would more likely be singing along instead of telling you to shut it off.

So in honor of the upcoming 25th anniversary of their debut album Appetite for Destruction, recorded on a 13 day cocaine/hooker/Jack Daniels fueled bender. I humbly ask surviving members of the ORIGINAL Guns N Roses lineup to save rock music from itself. If GN'R were around today and in prime form, the only reason they would show up on Americas Got Talent would be to burn down the studio and urinate on its ashes.

NEW RULE #3: People angry over Casey Anthony verdict need to realize 'CSI' and 'Law & Order' do not adequately reflect how our criminal justice system works - As much as I think Anthony is probably the Worst Person in the World and whom the gates of Hell cannot open fast enough. You cannot blame the jury because in a Capital Murder Case circumstantial evidence alone should not be enough to convict. Either Anthony is so diabolical she perpetrated one of the most brilliant cover-ups in history or simply the luckiest trailer trash mom alive. But without physical evidence linking her to the crime, the verdict is understandable though I wish they had voted split jury instead of acquittal so the not ready for prime time prosecution team would have a second shot.

If anyone wonders what the flipside to that coin is, take the case of the West Memphis 3 in Arkansas. Back in 1991 a trio of teenagers were convicted of murdering a little boy based solely on the evidence that they liked heavy metal, therefore they must worship Satan, and since one time they hung out in the woods where the boy was murdered it must surely be them. Never mind there was not one shred of physical evidence linking them to the crime. Today they along with far too many others sit on Death Row under questionable prosecution. If you want to get angry over injustice, start getting angry over that.

NEW RULE #4: Nancy Grace needs to STFU - Police in Florida might have been able to connect Anthony to the murder of her daughter via hard evidence had they been given more time and patience by the general public. But Grace and her $10 mall hair cut had to start a virtual lynch mob by playing judge, jury, and executioner creating a spotlight that made their jobs impossible. And why is it that Grace only seems concerned with blond, attractive, All-American girls who go missing? Considering girls and women who live in poor and minority areas tend to be at higher risk of falling prey to sexual violence and exploitation, how about someone advocating for them for a change.

NEW RULE #5: There needs to be a temporary embargo on the use of the word 'Really?' - Uh, Really? Yes, really. It's a clever device when used in response to witnessing a stunning display of ignorance, or something just plain bullshit stupid. But like TV show Glee, and singer Selena Gomez it might becoming a little too big for its own good. Therefore, I impose a one-year moratorium on its use to prevent overuse. Sort of like fishing quotas. In its place is the always acceptable 'Are you (bleeping) kidding me?'

NEW RULE #6: There also needs be a five year embargo on movies based on a comic book - Or a classic but underrated 80's movie, or popular childhood toys from the 80's, or a popular 70's TV show, or a video game, or a Japanese horror film, or a prequel to the last sequel of an already existing superhero movie franchise, or a reimage of a superhero movie done just 15 years ago, or a spin-off of a minor character from a superhero movie, or based on the concept of Superhero X meets Superhero Y, or any superhero movie where the marketing campaign for collectible action figures sold in fast food restaurants came before the writing of the actual script.

NEW RULE #7: Victims of Bernie Madoff must stop complaining - For the most part I don't feel bad for the vast majority of them since for over 20 years while the stock market fluctuated like a rollercoaster, they got magical 5% returns seemingly every month. And not once did they ever bother to question if that was even statistically possible or perhaps something fishy might be going on. Which made them Wall Street's favorite kind of combination in a client: Greedy and Dumb.

Madoff's victims really can't claim collectively of getting bilked out of $40 Billion since they never really had that money to begin with. And considering the court appointed trustee on the case has recuperated $3 Billion dollars to spread among just a few thousand people in compensation. I'd say they made out pretty good, which is a lot more than the average American can say about their life savings after the Financial crisis occurred.

NEW RULE #8: Twitter must idiot-proof the service for pro-athletes, celebrities, and politicians - You know that device on internet log in pages called 'captcha', the squiggly letters or numbers you have to enter before it can be submitted? I'm thinking something along those lines for celeb tweets. Things like 'Hey there sports star, are you sure calling your boss a greedy Jew will really help you get that contract extension?' or 'Hey teen idol, are you sure the Disney home office will like that twit pic of your breasts?' or 'Hey Senator, we noticed someone is trying to send a profile picture of a penis to some 19 year-old. Surely, that wouldn't be YOURS, right?'

NEW RULE #9: Celebrities need to refrain from giving out parenting advice - Oh how cute, some A-List movie or TV star had a baby! And to listen to them gush and gleam over every little burp and bowel movement you'd think they were the first woman ever in the history of human beings to have a baby. Glad to hear celebmoms are happy but the rest of us parents living in the real world really don't want to hear it. I'm guessing a JLo, or a Katie Holmes, or a Kate Hudson never had to run out at 2 in the morning to find a 24 hour pharmacy because the kid has 103 temp, or trek through a snowstorm to get diapers, or dole out the equivalent of a mortgage for daycare. Not saying celebs don't love their kids, but really what can someone with a staff of nannies really say that's useful to anyone.

NEW RULE #10: During political arguments, combatants can no longer call their opponet a Nazi - Last I checked reforming healthcare, raising taxes on the rich, or reforming Social Security does not make somebody a Nazi. That label should be reserved for really specific instances like perpetrating a mass genocide against a religous or ethnic group, and attempting to install worldwide Fascism through military invasion of peaceful countries. Calling my HR Rep a Nazi for warning me about photocopying my ass (I'm speaking hypothetically of course) is a false equivalency which minimalizes the true atrocities inflicted by them and undermines why they should always be loathed. So lets relagete Nazism should to the two places it belongs, the scrapheap of history and Glenn Beck's closet.

NEW RULE #11: The Religous Right needs to go away - I certainly believe religion of any kind has a right to participate in the public square of ideas and civil discourse. But the problem I have with the Religous Right who basically are a fringe minority of Christians is that they disproportionately dominate the attention around election time. Their pet peeves like abortion, stem-cell research, and Gay marriage have no consequence on the future of this country. Yet these issues always suck out the oxygen of every Presidential election and divide people unnecessarily while preventing the real important issues from being debated.

The Religous Right are sort of like that crazy Aunt every family seems to have, who people try to ignore, but because she has money, you can't call her crazy, but 'eccentric'. And at family dinners, everyone squirms while the Aunt spoutsoff her paranoid, delusional theories about everything but especially sex. And because the Religous Right seem to have money and influence they have lately been pushing some very 'eccentric' legislation in State Legislatures accross the country. A sampling:

1.Elimination of No Fault Divorce Laws, virtually forcing unhappy couples to stay married unless someone cheated or got abused (Kansas, North Dakota)
2.Making women who've had miscarriages show evidence to law enforcement that it wasn't an illegal abortion (Georgia)
3.Overturning US Supreme Court case Griswold vs. Connecticut which established the right of married couples to use contraception and establishes the right to marital privacy (Alabama)

These aren't just creepy, they go against the ideals of individual freedom this country was founded on.

AND FINALLY NEW RULE #12 - True Education Reform starts with holding teachers accountable to teach....
But also includes holding students accountable to actually learn what is being taught and to put down the God Damn video game and do their homework.

It also includes holding parents accountable for ensuring that their kid comes to school ready, willing, and able to learn.

It also includes holding school adminstrators accountable for ensuring a environment where kids who want to learn can learn, and jerk-offs who bully and disrupt get sent home for an ass-beating.

It also includes holding school boards accountable for making sure education is their priority and not simply a stepping stone for furthering their own political careers.

It also includes holding communities accountable to see that its schools are adequately funded and equipped so that learning may take place.

And while on were on the subject of communities, maybe ornery, cranky Senior citizens could vote for a school levy once in awhile. Seeing as previous generations gave their kids that courtesy when they were in school, perhaps this crop of Elderly could extend the same courtesy to the next generation.

It also includes holding University and college Presidents accountable to keep higher education affordable and attainable for qualified students from average, working families while not saddling them with six figure debt for the good portion of their adult lives.

It also includes holding the media accountable to get away from pushing the pop culture notion that being smart is uncool because being considered a nerd isn't the worst thing that can happen at age 13.

It also includes holding State and Federal lawmakers accountable for overseeing an educational system that focuses kids on being ready for a 21st Century economy where the US must compete with cheap labor oversees and we no longer have the edge in technological advancement. You know a public education system that produces adults who are thinkers, doers, leaders, dreamers, go-getters, boundary-breakers, and optimists.

Because in areas where bad schools exist the future generation is gonna need to be all that to clean up the mess made when too many grown-ups of all stripes at some point stopped caring about the quality of education in their community. While there are bad schools, there are indeed just as many if not more good schools out there. What separates the good from the bad is whether the surrounding community as a whole values education or not.

I actually think overall our schools are doing a good job, but like a lot of things in this country we could do better. But simply making teachers the enemy for all its shorfalls really masks the larger societal factors that are bringing down the quality of our kids' education. What's really sinking education in this country is the gradual loss of a sense of the common good replaced by a selfish, narcissistic, me-first mentality.

Oh and one last thing. Be wary of education 'reformers' who want to completely overhaul the entire system (coughs under breath Michelle Rhee). The risk of giving them full control of our education is sort of like paying a carpenter to rearrange the Living Room and they instead bulldoze the house.

Katy Perry Tour Demands, Freaky Statistics, and Absurdity of Work E-mail Disclaimers

2011-06-29T03:04:00.000-07:00

American Lexicon Update: The word Pippa'd
Meaning: (Verb) To inadvertently upstage or steal the show

Origin: When Pippa Middleton appeared as head bridesmaid at the Royal wedding of her sister Kate in a white dress that was so hot it completely shifted the focus and attention to her in all the fashion mags. To the point where Pippa's derriere got its own Twitter following and even gay men replying 'Yep, I'd tap that'

Example Use In a Sentence: 'Angelina Jolie Pippa'd Winona Ryder in the movie Girl, Interrupted to win an Oscar'

Freaky Statistics, Part 1 - With the death of pro wrestler Macho Man Randy Savage, this means of the 51 wrestlers who competed at Wrestlemania in 1991, 14 are now dead for a mortality rate of 25%. By comparison all but 2 of the 42 pro boxers who competed in the top level around the same time are alive (5% mortality rate). And all 99 participants in Super Bowl 25 that same year are still alive. Though Buffalo Bills fans probably wish that kicker Scott 'Wide Right' Norwood were dead (0.5% mortality rate).

Freaky Statistics, Part 2 - According to a Pew Survey, only 7% of Americans approve of marital infidelity, while a slightly higher number 11% approve of polygamy. And the Mormon Church was afraid the show 'Big Love' would ruin their reputation.

Freaky Statistics, Part 3 - Kim Kardashian's fiancee New Jersey Nets benchwarmer Kris Humphries evidently had good reason to put a ring on it. Previous ahtletes who dated Kardashian, Reggie Bush of the Saints and Miles Austin of the Cowboys saw susbstantial drop-off in performance after they dumped Kim proving there may be something magical about that ass.

Bush with Kim in 2009: 725 yards, 8 touchdowns and a Super Bowl ring.
Bush after Kim in 2010: 150 yards, 1 touchdown and stripped of Heisman Trophy.

Austin before Kim in 2009: 1,320 yards, 11 touchdowns, Playoffs
Austin after Kim in 2010: 1,041 yards, 7 touchdowns, No Playoffs

Pardon Me While I Try Find a One Shred of Sympathy - One third of all Law School graduates from 2009 are still unemployed and those who do find a job are making only half what new law firm hires would have made five years ago. For decades people have argued there are too many lawyers in this country and the recession may have proven them right. Most lawyering is basically writing letters and filling out forms, and many firms recently discovered that for the cost of one young attorney's four martini power lunch at Morton's Steakhouse, most of it can be outsourced to India for a week's worth of work.

FUN BONUS LAWYER JOKE: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? The hooker stops screwing you after you're dead.

Merry Christmas, Late Night Talk Show Hosts and Comedians Everywhere! - A congressman with last name of Weiner got into sex scandal! It's almost as if the jokes write themselves. Now mind you I have no problem with my elected officials being sexual deviants because all of us got that Rick James freakiness inside and even politicians deserve to indulge that side a little bit. So long as they're honest about it. (see post about Italian Prime Minister below)

As much as I loathe the conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart who broke the story and consider him a raging, pus-filled hemorrhoid on the ass of the American body politick, he is right. What took down Weiner was not picking up chicks on Twitter but lying about it. Because politicians doing hanky panky outside their marriage become corruptible, susceptile to blackmail and therefore compromised. So Mr.Weiner as much good as you did, you had to go.

But since the DC Beltway Political Pundits Got It Wrong for the 24,516th Time - So here's the real story within the story. When Congressman Weiner wasn't sending out pictures of his weiner to college coeds and porn stars on Twitter he actually was onto something important. He was investigating Supreme Court justice Clerance Thomas and whether he should recuse himself in the event the Healthcare Reform Law goes before the court. Because his teabagger wife Ginnie has personally benefitted financially to the tune of $700,000.

And Weiner subsequently discovered at least three instances where Thomas received speaking fees and other compensation from political organizations only to turn around and rule favorably for their side when cases they had stake in came before the court. Something that could be impeachable. So if the Beltway chattering class could stop snickering long enough for having to use the word penis in a sentence and ask: Was Weiner especially targeted by conservative bloggers to discredit his investigation of Thomas?

FUN BONUS FACT: Since being sworn in to Supreme Court in 2009, Justice Sonia Sotomayor has asked more follow-up questions of attorneys during hearings in one year, then Thomas has throughout his entire Supreme Court career spanning more than 20 years.

So the lesson from Weinergate kids is - If an Internet picture is going to ruin your promising political career at least go down in a blaze of glory. Have something like you snorting cocaine off a hooker's ass while several trannie Guatemalan dwarves dressed as Oompa Loompa costumes attend to your foot fetish. May not be able to wonder the halls of Congress but it probably gets your own reality TV show.

In Italy perhaps the Greatest Newspaper Headline, EVER! - Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlesconi is now facing allegations of having an affair with a 17 year old Egyptian belly dancer. The major news daily in Rome basically yawned with this headline 'Ci Risimo con la gnocca?' which translates to 'Again With the Pussy?' Burlesconi is a man who when asked by journalists years ago about allegedly having over a hundred sexual partners while in office chided them...because he felt they undercounted and should be credited with at least a thousand. (Yep he actually said that) Anyone starting to think we Americans are a tad too uptight about sex?

Katy Perry Tour Rider Revealed - Website TheSmokingGun.com managed to obtain a 24 page tour rider for Perry's upcoming tour and found outrageous demands such as the driver of her limousine 'shall, never make eyer contact with artist' and..'room shall be draped in cream or soft pink plus needs to be outfitted with two cream-colored egg chairs." But most important “ABSOLUTELY NO CARNATIONS” bolded and underlined in the contract. This has some of her fans put off thinking perhaps she's not really down to Earth. Begging the question, Perry shoots whip cream from her breasts in one of her videos, why would she?

Absurdity of backstage demands is measured by the 'Van Halen-No Brown M&Ms in the Candy Jar Scale of Rock Star Excess'. With 10 being Guns N' Roses who abruptly canceled shows at the last minute because backstage did not have right kind of champagne or something, subsequently causing large riots (Montreal and St.Louis 1992, Germany 1993). And 0 being The Jonas Brothers becoming slightly agitated when they got 2% instead of Skim Milk. Perry ranks a 4, sort of in the Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston circa 1992 prior to marrying Bobby Brown category.

Kidnappers Aren't What They Used To Be - Recently police in Devonshire England broke up a kidnap and ransom plot for Joss Stone. A decent but largely unheard of neo Blues, Jazz pop singer and at $2 million dollars ransom, the best her record companies could do would have been about $5 and a signed CD. I've always felt in terms of criminality kidnapping really does not have a good return on investment as say being a drug kingpin or a mafia boss or being Bill Gates. But if you must kidnap at least consider risk versus reward and aim high. For a $2 million ransom I'd kidnap Justin Bieber and threaten to shave off his head. And show them you're serious with a picture of a electric hair clipper next to a tied up Bieber with the note 'The money tomorrow or the mop top gets it!'

The US Debt Crisis Explained - Sometime in August, the US will reach the debt ceiling or limit, the amount of money outstanding the Federal Gov't can legally borrow at one time causing default on its monthly payment back to creditors if its not raised by Congress. Consequently, one of two things will happen, either a debt collector calling themselves 'Rhonda' from The Bank of China will call Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner asking when they can expect payment. Or a complete Worldwide economic calamity will ensue because the full faith and credit of US Treasury Bills is no longer backed up.

To help explain the why were in this situation, imagine President Obama, and House Speaker John Boehner as kids in a pre-school working on a group project together to build a house with popcycle sticks which is our economic recovery supported by a yard which is the Federal budget. Obama (who we'll call Barry) is gluing the sticks and asks Boehner (we'll call him Johnny) for some more glue to finish the project. Johnny replies not until you cut out some of the cardboard paper on the bottom which serves as the lawn. Barry says no we can't do that or else the house will fall over. So Johnny gets mad but instead of crying like usually does, he goes over to the stove, turns on the gas, picks up a match and threatens to light it if he doesen't get what he wants. That's what the debt ceiling negotiations are now about. While we can all agree large deficits and Gov't overspending are bad, let's hope Congressional leaders can act like adults instead of children.

End of an Era, Part 1 - Oprah finished off her show after 25 years and a career resulting in Baby Boomer Narcissism reaching epidemic proportions. Since everybody is contemplating their favorite moments. Here was mine. I was in a auto repair waiting room back in 2001 when 4:00pm struck and the first chords of her theme song began. Filled with terror, I was about to panic when suddenly a news break interrupted about a dire tornado warning in the area and we were in grave danger. This gave me great relief and joy knowing I would not be held captive to watch her show.

End of an Era, Part 2 - Mary Hart retired after 29 years as host of Entertainment Tonight, a show that along with Wheel of Fortune was major contributor to the dumbmification of America. Like Oprah everybody is contemplating their favorite moments. Here was mine. In 1996, after walking out of the Will Smith movie Independence Day because it sucked worse than a Paul Reiser sitcom the day before. I sat in a dentist's office waiting room forced to observe an interview between Hart and Smith and began feeling a severe migraine which was actually intellectual rot taking hold in my brain when salvation came in the form of a revelation. That a show like ET wasn't really news journalism but merely a PR tool created by a consortium of Hollywood Studios to slyly promote new movies, albums, etc. Developing this kind of critical thinking propelled me to graduate college two years later.

Absurdity of Work E-Mail Disclaimers - We've all seen them. Those ridiculous disclaimers at the bottom of workplace e-mails that take up half the message. Here's is a decoding of what the disclaimers really mean.

What It Says
"This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error, you may not read it. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named. If you are not the named addressee you should not read, disseminate, distribute, or copy this email."

What It Really Means
"This disclaimer has no legal relevance in court so feel free to ignore it. If this e-mail wasn't for you to read because it was not intended for you why wouldn't they put it first instead of last after you've already read it? If we were smart we'd install have some log-in or encryption device accesible to the intended person only. Or that thing the CIA does where it self-destructs in 15 seconds.

Because if this e-mail wasn't intended for you and it contained something scandalous like a picture of the CEO is boinking his assistant or criminal detailing a massive conspiracy to commit business fraud. The e-mail would be considered evidence and admissable in court thus inconsequential as to whomever received it. In reality these exist because the life of a corporate lawyer is fairly boring so we spent weeks devising this one little paragraph to make us seem relevant to upper management. We really wish someone would sue us so we'd have have an excuse to talk to that hot brunette over in Human Resources"

Things I've Learned

2011-05-28T07:10:00.000-07:00

1.My wife once asked me if I could start life over again from infancy without a cleft palate/lip would I do it. I replied No because learning to overcome the obstacles thrown my way from the cleft have helped me become a much stronger, wiser person than if I hadn't otherwise.

2.Both of my parents were deceased by the time I was 30 so I've learned the most valuable commodity in life is time. I did not learn that until after my father died in 2006 and realized too late the time I missed with him...

3...So I'm determined to maximize the time I have with my own family because my oldest daughter was born 10 months after my Dad died. Tomorrow is never promised to us today.

4.Though adversity has been a constant in my life, I've learned to view it as a gift because its like strength training for the soul. The process of persevering and conquering teaches things about yourself and ideally you learn there are things you can accomplish you didn't realize you could before.

5.It's from my Dad that I get my warped sense of humor. His philosophy was when faced with the absurdities of life you have the option to either laugh or cry. I choose to laugh.

6.It's from my Mom that I learned empathy and it's best to try to see the beauty in all people which makes me seem agreeable to most people most of the time. I hope

7.It's because of my parents that I'm a terrible liar. My Dad was a Fraud Claims investigator and Mom a Criminal psychologist for the State of Ohio. Which means growing up I could never get away with lying, ever.

8.I've had 15 surgeries on my cleft starting when I was six months old and learned the most important part of any surgery beforehand is meeting the Anesthesiologist because your life is literally in their hands.

9.Four years of a all-boys, Catholic high school meant at the start of college I was four years behind the curve in talking to girls and having fun.

10.But joined a fraternity and quickly made up for lost time and learned many great friendships start out over a beer. Though I fear if my daughters hear stories from that era they may never look at me the same when they grow up. Thank God YouTube didn't exist in the late 90's

11.Best advice ever got was my high school history teacher Fr. Bennett who said 'Get a job that involves using your brain and using your creativity that cannot be easily outsourced, replicated, or copied. Because the days of earning $25 an hour manually and monotonously making stuff are over.' I wish Ohio's political leaders had listened to that and not underfunded its schools because it would not be in the sorry state that it's in right now.

12.I got a degree in Sociology and Geography which qualified you to be the most educated person working at a Dairy Queen....so I got a Master's in Demography which guaranteed being asked two things when mentioned in conversation: What is It? and What do you do with it?

13.Growing up in Columbus, Ohio I couldn't wait to get out and move to some city more exciting so took a chance on a job in Philadelphia which worked out very well. But I've learned where you grew up is always a part of you and whenever I go back to Columbus I can't seem to get enough.

14.Wherever you are in the World, whenever you tell someone you're from Columbus, their response is always 'Oh..Ohio State football, right?'.

15.Following Ohio sports teams means learning about futility. Especially Cleveland sports teams who just don't lose but go down in flaming, spectacular, epic defeat.

16.I met my wife on the Internet by fluke of chance of browsing random dating profiles and took a longshot of writing late one evening. I've learned that myth of destiny in finding 'The One' may not entirely be a crock of shit.

17.I'm very lucky to have my wife. Literally. I was two hours late for our first date but she still was willing to go out and ended up being one of funnest days of my life. Also my first e-mail was so riddled with typos she still keeps it...as a joke to show our kids. Lesson is to Spell Check..Always.

18.I learned she'll love me for me when she stayed at my apartment and being just out of grad school my Worldly possessions merely consisted of a Futon, Recliner, 15 year old TV and TV tray which served as my dinner table.

19.Best advice on marriage comes from comedian Ralphie May: 'Men have two options in marriage: Being right...or being happy'

20.The most annoying sound to a married woman is the theme song to ESPN SportsCenter

21.Kids are a healthier option than drugs as a cure for insomnia.

22.My biggest fear for my daughters is the spate of bullying which I hope is just a lot of media hype. My goal is to raise daughters who are strong and confident as to immune from trolls. And if that fails at least pass along my trait for having an quick wit and acid tongue enabling them to be a Tina Fey on steroids who bullies will think twice about messing with.

23.When high school comes around, my advice to my girls will be most of the non-academic portion of high school is bullshit because it absolutely does not reflect real life in any shape or form and essentially is a Theater of the Absurd. Just learn what your supposed to, make some meaningful friendships, do something constructive, and mainly worry about what happens afterward (like hopefully college)....

24....Because in adulthood the biggest losers in life are people who brag about being the 'cool kids' in high school which ends up being their biggest accomplishment in life.

25.It's because of my kids that I moved off the market research fast lane to the middle lane (which sometimes feels like the slow lane) because coming home everyday at a decent hour and getting time with them are more important than having a title or six figure salary.

26.I've spent the first 8 years of my professional life in the Pharmaceutical Industry and learned the scientists who research and develop new drugs have the noblest of intentions. The executives who market and sell those drugs do not.

27.The worst kind of boss is the one who bases performance solely on how early you come in and how late you stay in as opposed to what you accomplish in those hours. In the Market Research industry they prove the Peter Principle, that in business people rise to the level of their incompetence meaning the CEO very often is merely a blathering idiot.

28.In 2008 I was laid off marking the only time I ever got fired or lost a job in my life. And it ended being the greatest thing to ever happen in my career because I got my dream job 3 months afterward. Sometimes blessings can be very hidden.

29.Working in the Health Insurance Industry means whenever go to the doctor, and they ask what you do for a living, it's best not to mention you work in the Health Insurance Industry. Or be prepared to follow-up with 'I'm just a public health research analyst, no really I'm one of the good guys.'

30.Overall in my career I've had both victories and defeats. It's how you learn to handle defeat that determines ultimately if you are successful.

31.I'm Catholic and believe in God but my faith came about not from some burning bush conversion or forced adherence growing up but rather an intellectual conclusion that this complex, mysterious web of life could not have happened by happy accident. And that some mysterious force surely must govern the universe.

32.Though I agree with an atheist who once told me 'Jesus, like him lots. His followers, eh, not so much'. Far too often self-proclaimed devout Christians betray the common good.

33. Politically my views are a lot like my bowling game in that my ball tends to veer to the left. Though I try to hear all sides since very few issues are black and white. I've learned it's foolish to jump to an automatic viewpoint upon hearing an issue due solely to a pre-defined ideology.

34. I'm technically a registered Democrat though would not mind seeing a third, fourth, even fifth party. I will consider Republicans should that party ever become unhinged from the Far right and demonstrate some semblance of sanity on governing.

35. While some people fear the unlimited power of Government, I fear the unlimited power of corporations and wealthiest elements of our society. You don't get to a size of ExxonMobil or Goldman-Sachs without doing something immoral, illegal, or both.

36.In restaurants the bigger the menu, the less likely you'll be getting a good meal.

37.Strangest thing I've ever seen was at a dive, biker bar on the Jersey shore which was the Anti-Cheers where nobody knew my name and nobody was really glad I came. But they were all sitting around transfixed to the TV watching a Kylie Minogue concert.

38.If I won the lottery I would spend the money on traveling. Two of my most cherished possessions are my grandfather's passport which has over 100 country stamps and his vast collection of photographs from those travels. It taught me traveling is the best way to expand your mind and I've found when leaving one's friendly confines you come back a more enlightened person than when you left.

39. The most beautiful place I've ever seen is the base of Mt.Rainier in Washington state. This is what I imagine heaven would look like when you die.

40. My top destination I want to travel is the province of Asturias in Spain. You don't hear about it because of a conspiracy of silence by Spaniards to keep it themselves. But I want to get there before all the mass European tourist hordes discover it.

41.On the commuter trains I take to Philly for work I see Wall Street broker types and want to ask: In running in the corporate rat race with whom are you racing and what are you racing for?

42.My parents taught me not to curse. Not because its bad but because it shows other people you cannot express a complete thought without using foul language and are therefore judged to be an idiot. Though sometimes I break that rule because a well placed 'fuck' can help you be more demonstrative in making a point.

43. I don't blame Jon Gosselin for leaving Kate, though I do blame him for lousy taste in women.

44. I think 'The Wire' is the greatest TV show ever, and the fact it never won a Emmy taught me what's good is often very different from what's popular.

45.Finally if my Alma mater Bowling Green ever got smart and were to invite me to give the commencement address, I would mention how a Sociological study from Harvard which followed a class of its graduates from the 1940's over their lifetime taught me the two most important things I've learned about life so far:

First, the most important variable of determining success was not looks, money, privilege, gender, race, or social status, but sheer perseverance. What most successful graduates had in common were exhibiting true grit in the face of naysayers, doubters, and obstacles to where overtime they achieved their life goals regardless of whatever others wanted.

Second, the happiest of those graduates did not place importance on attaining wealth, or fame, or prominence but rather on accumulating memories and experiences. In particular the memories created by our family, friends, and loved ones and the memories we create for them. Because when our time on this Earth is up, ultimately that is all we will be remembered by.

Enough with the singing shows, Birther of a Nation, and Time Party Like Its 1945

2011-05-11T15:28:00.000-07:00

The big news of the past month? - ...The Beatles albums are finally on iTunes!, but that's not all! We killed Osama bin Laden! This is probably how it felt back in 1945 for my grandparents when Hitler off'd himself at the end of WWII. Which means my Inbox is filling up with Osama jokes. My favorite thus far:

-If Osama wanted a mansion without working phones and internet, he should of signed up with AT&T

-From now on when mob disposes of a body in water, it will be referred to as 'Bin Laden Style'

-Entire raid was really to make up for Obama forgetting to get Hilary something for Secretary's Day

Hot New Real Estate Market: Greenland - Forget Beverly Hills or Miami Beach, the hot new property market is the frozen tundra of Greenland. That's according to geographer Laurence Smith resulting to a newly discovered gigantic oil reserve underneath all that ice and with global warming gradually defrosting Greenland it could be for the taking by 2030. Around that time the Inuit will be driving Rolls Royce snowmachines and living in igloos made of gold.

FUN BONUS FACT: Greenland was the World's first real estate scam, as in the 1200's Vikings cleverly named it 'Green' Land to entice people to settle the region. I'm about 75% sure that's true

And speaking of oil - ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson with a straight face blamed the escalating price on costs associated individual gas stations not the oil companies. They really are asking for a angry mob to show up at their headquarters with pitchforks and torches.

No really, the reality singing shows can stop - Yes I'll grant you American Idol has had some home runs, but for every Carrie Underwood or Kelly Clarkson there's about 15 Taylor Hicks and Clay Aikens. There are no less than 3 major network shows revolving around some 19 year olds having their dreams crushed by musucian has beens upcoming. Seeing as how music sales are down, shouldn't we be focusing on perpetrating less crap music, not more?

But this kind of music can keep coming - Just when you think music has become a bottomless pit of utterless void resembling Ryan Secrest's soul out comes hot new breakout artist Adele. She's sort of like Amy Winehouse except where the talent actually validates hype and music wasn't inspired by chemical dependency. She's sold over 2 million copies so lesson here is people over the age of 25 will still buy music that's smart, catchy, and deep when offered in the marketplace. Who knew?

Next Up for Donald Trump: The search for the Easter Bunny and a unicorn - Barack Obama was forced to release his long-form birth certificate proving he was born in Hawaii therefore an American citizen which was never an issue for the reality-based community. But of course to all the birthers, nothing short of a time machine to transport them to Honolulu circa 1961 to actually witness his birth will do, which shows the problem of conspiracy theorists.

Show them a birth certificate and they'll say 'No we want the REAL birth certificate'. You say this is the real birth certificate and they reply 'How do you know for sure?' In their alternate universe every new piece of evidence simply proves the conspiracy runs deeper. But the more simpler explanation is birtherism = polite racism. Because most 'birthers' seem to have certain racial beliefs like an Black man could never legitimately be elected President.

And speaking of conspiracy theorists - Glenn Beck learned his fearmongering, vile show will not coming back to Fox News proving that even CEO Roger Ailes has some journalistic standards. Beck's spin will be his cancellation was a vast conpsiracy of Zionists in collusion with liberal elite media in collusion with Islamic terrorists in collusion with Freemasons in collusion with aliens from AlphaZeta9 forced him off the air.

The alternative explanation is really its all about cold hard cash. After the shooting of US congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, right wing media outlets were forced to do the math and realized if the shooter had been inspired by one of their talking heads, in legal parlance the liability would equate to 'a shitload of money'. And of course when you prophesize a doomsday scenario resulting from an Obama Presidency and then said scenario never materializes, you sort of lose credibility. Just saying.

How our Government Works - Recently introduced in Congress by Michele Bachmann (R - Crazytown) is 'The Lightbulb Freedom of Choice Act' (I shit you not, look up HR 5616). See back in 2007, that rabid treehugger George Bush signed a law phasing out incondescent lightbulbs in favor of longer lasting, more efficient flourescent lightbulbs that used much less energy and were better for the environment by mid-decade. Bachmann's problem isn't that these new lightbulbs had safety issues or didn't work or didn't save money. They actually saved a lot of money, but for Bachmann it saved money for the wrong people. Namely to the benefit of consumers and not Electric and Utility companies who through their lobbyists basically wrote the bill. And that's democracy in action because we are a government of the corporation, by the corporation, and for the corporation.

'You know how I know you're gay?' - A discussion about whether Lady Gaga is merely a rip-off of Madonna in the 80's is not a gay conversation. But when you are Bryan Fischer chief bigot spokesperson of the anti-gay American Family Association, it's very gay. Fisher went into that debate on his weekly internet podcast diatribe (which isn't worth watching unless you like getting the creeps) which reiterates my theory of homophobia: Supposedly non-gay people who obsess over the gay lifestyle to demonize it are actually gay. Something tells me Fisher's TIVO has the full season of Glee recorded.

Nobel Winning Economist has message for Wealthiest 1%: Start Sharing the Wealth or Face Revolution - In a column for Vanity Fair Joseph Stiglitz noted that in 2010 25% of America's wealth is owned by just 1% of the population, compared to 25 years ago when they owned just 12%. Plus they're incomes went up by 18% while men with only high school diploma went down by 13% in the same span.

His warning to those 1% is look to revolutions in Tunisia and Egypt where the other 99% decided they had enough and brought down the ruling elite. Or going further back ask Russian Czar Nicholas II or Marie Antionette how income inequality played out for them. So Stiglitz suggests now might be a good time to take some excess wealth and invest in things that would perhaps create jobs and bolster the middle class. Personally I don't think there will literally be class warfare unless the Tea Party crowd figures out they've been had then all bets are off.

But someone clearly isn't heeding Stiglitz's message - Should Obama win a second term, at his inaguration he can personally thank Congressman Rep. Paul Ryan (R - Wisconsin) whose 'Roadmap to Prosperity' which serves as the official GOP economic plan calls for privitizing Medicare and eliminating Social Secuirty for people now under the age of 55 while providing tax breaks to corporations with low taxes to pay off Gov't debt. In other words shifting the burden of healthcare and retirement costs to the elderly thereby balancing the budget which allows the rich to take their tax savings and create new jobs and everybody gets rich! (well that's the theory at least and Ryan also noted in the future hot chicks will finally dig guys for their personality alone)

Needless to say as Republicans have found out back in their home districts, this plan has gone over about as well as a fart on a crowded airplane. Because for some reason a lot of elderly are altruistic and worry about the younger generations because they can remember what life was like for the elderly before Social Security and Medicare (it sucked). And the young like the idea of living long enough to enjoy their grandkids while not living in poverty or gravely ill. The old political truism has been Social Security and Medicare are the third rail of electoral politics, touch it and you die. And polling is starting to show the GOP could lose Congress next year and Ryan may be a crispy critter when all is said and done.

When Science fiction is not stranger than Reality - In the 1987 awesomely bad movie RoboCop which takes place in a not too distant dystopian future where the city of Detroit, Michigan is so crime ridden and unlivable that an autocratic corporation takes the place of elected government to run things and clean up the streets. And its up to RoboCop to save the day and fight crime while overthrowing the evil company and saving democracy...yada,yada,yada.

Now present day, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder has enacted an Emergency Manager Law which allows him to install unelected 'Emergency' managers for troubled cities and towns dissolving the local government and leaving decisions to one person unaccountable to residents. Civil libertarians should take note, Snyder already enacted this provision in Benton Harbor, MI where the 'emergency' manager has ties to a local land developer who for years wanted the town's prized lake front property. But those pesky elected officials always denied him citing public use for families, beach preservation, affordable housing, yada, yada, yada. But now suprise, suprise, one of his first acts was to authorize the sale of this land to said developer. Not saying this law is a nefarious attempt by the State's powerful elite to circumvent local elected officials...well actually yeah that's what I'm saying.

FUN BONUS FACT: RoboCop has perhaps the greatest death scene ever in an action movie when a drug dealer falls into a vat of toxic waste during a gun battle with the aforementioned protagonist in some abandoned factory. He then emerges from the vat a hot mess (that's putting it lightly) and gets run over by another fleeing drug dealer and....well worth seeing if you're up at 4 in the morning and catch it on Cinemax sometime.

Libya, The Lamest Sex Scandal Ever, and 10 Things that make John Boehner Cry

2011-03-31T15:52:00.000-07:00

Twitter validates the existence of Public Relations Reps – With the advent of Twitter the time and distance between a celebrity saying something really stupid and career ruin is milliseconds. Twenty four hours after the tragic tsunami in Japan. Gilbert Gottfried tweeted ‘The Japanese are so rich, they can have the shoreline come to them’ which the following day led to him losing his endorsement deal for Aflac and just about any entertainment job in the next few months. This is truly a gilded age for PR reps who probably have their Blackberry physically implanted in their ear now. Handling celebrities in this new era of social networking is probably like riding in the passenger seat of a sports car being driven by Gary Busey.

Libya: The revolution will be televised – Not sure if the airstrikes over Libya are wise decision but I do feel that the benefit to Qaddafi being toppled is the Libyan people having a leader who will be much better dressed. Qaddafi pretty much ruled like he dressed, as a truly hot mess. His style could best be described as Laurence of Arabia meets Liberace.

Never underestimate the power of stupidity following a Natural Disaster Part 1 – During the US-Argentina soccer match at the Meadowlands in New Jersey. Someone yelled ‘Konitchiwa bitches!’ during a moment of silence for victims of the Japanese earthquake, and tsunami. I believe there was a time when it was acceptable, even encouraged to drag idiots out into the street and beat them until they were able to think straight.

Never underestimate the power of stupidity following a Natural Disaster Part 2 – A week after the tsunami wiped away whole towns in Japan, the House of Representatives in their proposed budget voted to cutting funds for the US Tsunami Early Warning System. I believe there was a time when the people in Congress represented the best and brightest this country had to offer as willful ignorance was not considered a enviable character trait.

Fun Party Game – Guess which of the two situations the following statement is most likely to be heard: ‘Turn it off! Turn It Off!... God please make it stop!’ Is it someone in the basement of an S&M chamber or someone listening to Kim Kardashian's new single?

The kids actually are alright – Over the past 2 years the US teen pregnancy rate has dropped and researchers actually credited the MTV white trash-sploitation series '16 and Pregnant'. Who knew that kids watching bad role models on TV would persuade them to do the opposite and make good life choices? One can only hope that 'The Jersey Shore' will lead to a surge in literacy and college graduation rates.

The Most Pathetic Sex Scandal Ever – Congressman Chris Lee from New York was forced to resign after being caught soliciting women via Craigslist for sex. (Fun Bonus fact: he was later discovered trolling around the transsexual escort section). If you are going busted for an extra-marital affair at least make it worth your while and actually have sex. If your career is going to be destroyed by a cellphone pic at least go out in a blaze of glory with a picture of you snorting coke off a hooker’s ass or something. On the Eliot Spitzer scale of politician horndoggery this ranks a big fat 0.

Best Moment of Unintended Hilarity Nominee, Part 1 – In Fort Wayne, Indiana a proposal to build a statue honoring a former mayor had to be shelved, not because noted mayor ever did anything wrong. But because noted mayor’s name was Harry Baals, and apparently the city hall got tired of being asked if the statue had a pair of big brass ones or it enjoyed giving a Roman Soldier helmet.

Best Moment of Unintended Hilarity Nominee, Part 2 – The Utah state legislature elicited all sorts of childish pointing and giggling when at a press conference announced The Dutch Oven had been voted as official state appliance. The joke was lost on lawmakers until a few of them went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner and a waiter explained why they might want to avoid the refried beans.

How ‘The Bachelor’ validates the existence of gay marriage – A feminist friend once argued that a show like The Bachelor does more to hurt women than porn ever will. Mainly because it makes women seem like the only way to validate their lives if they have some handsome, rich tool marry them. I’ll add to that in saying if heterosexual marriage is now exemplified by a game show where 16 women whore themselves out to some dolt who won the genetic lottery all for a diamond ring. Then why can’t gays and lesbians marry?

Top 10 Things that make John Boehner Cry – Well its official, men can cry in public without scorn as evidenced by Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner’s frequent sobbing. Here is a definitive list that will guarantee the waterworks from the distinguished gentleman from Ohio:

1.The sound of little children at play

2.Kittens

3.Freshly cut grass on a golf course when Spring is in bloom and sun is shining and the clubhouse tab picked up by someone else

4.The clinking sound ice makes when put into glass followed by the pouring of Scotch after a hard day of “doin’ the people’s business” at the private Congressional lounge.

5.Savoring the aroma from unwrapping a new pack of Marlboro Lights

6.The view from a private jet en route to a corporate sponsored junket in Hawaii

7.The peace and quiet that follows a meeting with Newt Gingrich

8.The tragedy of when a Fortune 500 company can’t utilize loopholes in the corporate tax code to avoid taxes on mega profits

9.The emptiness felt when looking at the corner of his office where his tanning machine would normally be but is in the repair shop.

10.That crisp smell of pen ink emanating off a freshly written tobacco lobby check which takes him back to the first time he realized being Speaker means you don’t have to ask for money. The money comes asking for you.

In Defense of Public Employees

2011-02-22T19:23:00.000-08:00

Normally I don't get swept up too heavily in political issues or causes because frankly it would make me mental (and my wife will attest I already have enough of that). But one issue though has grabbed my attention enough so that I can't help but add my voice to already crowded blogosphere.

Over the past week, Republican statehouses in Wisconsin, Ohio, and Indiana have introduced legislation to essentially destroy the unions of Public workers which hits home for me because both my parents worked for the State of Ohio. Before you assume my parents were the oft-repeated stereotype of the lazy, underwhelming, mediocre public worker who could not hack it in the private sector allow me to break some pre-conceived notions.

My Dad managed about dozen investigators for the worker's comp fraud division and annually saved Ohio taxpayers millions of dollars by rooting out bad, fraudulent claims and recuperating money taken from these claims. He was frequently out in the field trying to catch cheats in the act and once had his car window smashed by a baseball bat, and even had a shotgun pointed at him.

Some people liken their workplace to an insane asylum but my Mom actually worked in one. As a psychologist specializing in Schizophrenia, she worked at the Central Ohio Psychiatric Hospital evaluating accused criminals claiming insanity to determine state of mind at time of crime for legal proceedings. Essentially her job was to root out the bullshit artists from those who were actually crazy. Fun bonus fact: the old COPH hospital was creepy and haunted! (a story for another time).

Needless to say due to the nature of thier jobs, when 'Take Your Kid To Work' day came around I was stuck at school. It also meant I could never get away with lying, ever. But I wonder if Ohio Gov.John Kasich (R-Assclown) would consider my parents not worthy of the right to collective bargain pay raises and health insurance in return for good, honest work? My parents like many other public employees were smart, skilled people providing a important role to the general public. Like teachers, policemen, social workers, civil engineers, policy analysts, etc. They chose to take a lower pay in the public sector because they felt their jobs meant something and were important to society at large (see below).

But they also from time to time needed the protection of unions because in a political environment like State Gov't, the little guy needs someone on their side. In the 1970's my Mom evaluated a serial rapist named Billy Milligan (good info on Wikipedia) who claimed to have multiple personalities. My mom stated he wasn't crazy but was actually a brilliant sociopath who managed to con several supposed top-flight experts. She was overruled and Milligan was released and went on to rape several coeds at Ohio State. When my Mom blew the whistle her bosses tried to punish her, but thankfully the union stood up for us and protected her job.

Now Mr.Kasich believe it or not we've met before when I was in the 1st grade and you came to talk to us kids about Politics back when you were starting a undistinguished career in Congress. Which dovetailed to a undistinguished TV show on Fox News followed by a undistinguished career in the private sector, which should result in a undistinguished term as Governor. Even then I could tell you were sleazeball and a liar (those lollypops handouts you probably stole from some other kids).

So let's be honest Mr.Kasich is it coincidence that three Republican held statehouses are enacting the exact same legislation at the same time? No, because frankly Governor you're really not that smart. I have the feeling this is just the first shot in attempt by the mighty corporate oligarchy of this country to roll back Labor laws to the 19th century. If we follow the money we find the same Billionaires who bankroll the 'Tea Party movement*' (What? You thought it was a spontaneous movement?) funded these politicians to have their self interests enacted under the guise of public policy.
(*-Tea Party officially licensed as subsidiary of Koch Enterprises, Inc.)

I support capitalism as much as Donald Trump but I also support the worker's rights to organize, workplace safety, anti-discrimination, equal pay for equal work among men and women, unemployment insurance, overtime if you work more than 40 hours, and that kids under age of 18 actually have to go to school instead of serving as cheap labor. To answer Glenn Beck these are not communist values but American values. Rights that unions and workers have fought throughout our history and are still worth fighting for today.

If you are a private sector employee and think none of this has anything to do with you think again. Watch, soon we'll be asked to relinquish unemployment benefits, then Medicare, then Social Security in the name of shared sacrifice because apparently raising taxes on rich individuals and corporations to balance budgets is tantamount to terrorism (or something). Notice how public sector workers conveniently provide a scapegoat by both Repubs and Democrats alike to blame for budget deficits and other fiscal misadventures.

Now before the Palinites send the hatemail understand I believe in limited Gov't and balanced budgets. Ideally Gov't should be like an iPhone: small, but highly effective and serving many needs at once while making most efficient use of resources. But I also believe we need Gov't to serve interest of people not corporations. And as the most prosperous country on Earth there's no reason that business owners can't enjoy profits while their workers enjoy a decent wage to have a comfortable living. So in other words. quit blaming public service workers!

And that's all I got to say about that!

Five Celebrities who I wish would retire

2011-01-25T15:53:00.000-08:00

The hardest thing in a person’s life is knowing when it’s time to exit the stage. That pearl of wisdom came to me in college during Homecoming in the form of a drunk 70 year alumni at a liquor store who I think was talking about life. But he also may have been talking about calling it night after peeing his pants and collapsing into a empty case of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the parking lot. However that’s a discussion for another day

Anyway at some point in our lives it is time to call it a career and ride off into the sunset while ideally you’re still on top and the only other way forward is down. That’s especially true of celebrities where careers are like parties. It’s alright to be there first at the party, but not last and certainly not BOTH. The perfect timing for exiting a party is to of duck out right when you sense the party has crested and the downswing is about to begin. Best example was Johnny Carson who upon retirement in 1992 never had higher ratings and his comedy had never lost an edge. We’ll always remember Johnny at his best. Sadly the same cannot be said of these celebrities who not only stayed at the party too long but are still there long after the cleaning lady left.

1.Hugh Hefner – The man who started the flames of the sexual revolution and convinced Americans to loosen up their collar while unbuttoning something else seemed to have the fitting ending when he married in the early 80’s and settled down. The persona of velvet robe wearing, pipe smoking, and Martini drinking ladies man put to rest and ideally memorialized in the Smithsonian or some another monument to Pop Culture. Freeze frame. Cue credits. Story done.

But then he divorced, and then Viagra happened to where as he got older the women got younger and the World’s oldest bachelor schtick got really stale. And instead of looking cool, it just looks downright creepy. As Chris Rock put it ‘The real reason men marry? Cause they don’t to be the old man at the club’. Which is great advice for kids along with Rock’s other truism ‘Regardless of whatever a stripper tells you. There’s absolutely no sex in the champagne room.’ (Does not apply to professional athletes, rappers, or Charlie Sheen)

2. Dick Clark – Anyone who went to a New Year’s party undoubtedly counted it down with Dick Clark and his allegedly ‘rockin’ TV special. At every party, I’ll bet there was some smackass who had a little too much to drink and decided to entertain the crowd with a Dick Clark impersonation. And most likely it wasn’t flattering given this New Year’s for Clark was his 8th after the stroke which robbed him of smooth voice and delivery. Not to mention he looked even weirder with his new facelift.

We all applauded his triumphant return in 2004 and that seemed like a good time to hand over the keys to the human whitenoise machine, Ryan Secrest. But he stayed on and lately the typical countdown has not been going too well: “10,9,8,7,7,7..uh 5,3 (Officially midnight, bal hits bottom),4,2,1 Happy Birthday!..no..wait… New Year’s…YAY!” Now I’m not making light of or poking fun at stroke victims but I’d like to say to Dickie C. is "It’s Ok to let go. There’s no shame in walking away’ Because we’d like to remember the World’s Oldest Teenager as just that: a teenager. And not a grim walking reminder of the cruel frailty of life.

3. Pam Anderson – Oh, Pammy can we talk? Let’s be honest. Sure you were hottest woman on the planet, but that was circa 1990 in the era before internet porn, where unless your dad had a Playboy subscription, the only satisfaction a hormonal filled teenager could get was watching Who’s the Boss reruns with Alyssa Milano or Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie’ music video when no one else was around. That’s not to take away from your accomplishment of having best selling Playboy issues of all time and causing a generation of Moms to ask ‘Who the hell keeps using up all the Kleenex?’

But then you got implants, got married to Tommy Lee, and all of our hearts were broken when that sex tape leaked and ruined the fantasy. Now it’s just sad especially that gravity has taken hold. As one comedienne put it ‘Pam Anderson taking off her clothes is like the ending to any M.Night Shyamalan movie. In both cases you’re wondering what the hell was that.’ There really is something to said about aging gracefully and dressing age appropriate. It’s about recognizing that while life comes in stages and some things in the past can’t be recaptured, you can still be sexy at any age. Perhaps Pam could take a turn on the cover of AARP magazine. Then it would mark the first time in over a decade someone snuck off alone to the bathroom with a magazine featuring her.

4.Larry King – oh never mind. CNN already took care of that.

5.Jaden and Willow Smith – Now I know they’re just kids but this crap can stop right now. I’m serious. This is bulls**t. Will Smith would have better luck reigniting Jazzy Jeff’s career then trying to launch his offspring. They have about as much talent as those idiots who try out for American Idol. You know the really bad ones who may have a mental disorder. But at least some of the rejects on Idol are entertaining. This is nepotism at its worst. And don’t even try to make the argument ‘Well Sofia Coppola did pretty on her own well even though her dad is Francis Ford Coppola’ It’s a false equivalency so don’t even go there! Its not even close…ugggh where’s the Advil

Five Celebrities whose careers I don't understand

2011-01-18T15:46:00.000-08:00

With British actor Rupert Everett’s recent http://thecelebritycafe.com/feature/rupert-everett-disses-jennifer-aniston-12-30-2010 epic rant of questioning why Jennifer Aniston has a career of course got him crucified by the celebrity fluffer crowd since she apparently occupies some Hollywood royalty. Seeing as a funeral gets more laughs than one of her patented romantic ‘comedies’ it does raise the question of why does she still have career. Post Friends she has 0 Oscar noms, 0 successful movies and since 0+0=0 that should be the sum of her box office viability. In the real world regardless of your chosen profession if you suck at what you do chances are you won’t last long in that career (unless you work at our local K-Mart then you get promoted to store manager.) but I digress.

This got me thinking about five other celebrities whose career I don’t understand

1.Gwyneth Paltrow - Owen Gleiberman at Entertainment Weekly recently http://insidemovies.ew.com/2011/01/12/gwyneth-paltrow-why-do-they-hate-her/ovies.ew.com/2011/01/12/gwyneth-paltrow-why-do-they-hate-her/ asked whether Paltrow’s movies bomb because of audience’s perceived bias against her because of privileged background. There is that, given her insufferable attitude exhibited early in her career (remember the ‘revolted by Americans’ comment) and let’s be honest would she have gotten famous if her mother wasn’t Blythe Danner (Answer No.)

My response to Mr. Gleiberman is she is underappreciated because of her underwhelming talent. Yes she’s an alright actress but if acting were like dessert, Paltrow would be vanilla ice cream compared to the Ben and Jerry flavors of a Kate Winslet or gourmet chocolate cake of a Meryl Streep. Oh one more thing Mr.Gleiberman, according to your magazine's poll of Oscar voters. If there was ever a recall vote for Academy Awards, her 1998 one for Best Actress would be going to Cate Blanchett.

2.Ryan Secrest - Here's where I’m confused. When I think of the qualities needed for a live TV show host I think of someone with charisma, charm, and above all a personality. Same goes for a radio host, and a New Year’s Eve host especially if they get paid $20 million a year. Which brings me to the human rice cake Ryan Secrest. His career personifies my Jonas Brothers theory of music applied to television. Simply put the theory states network TV like radio has now gone full circle from its inception in the 50’s of bland, boring, milquetoast programming to edgy social satire of the 70's (ala All in the Family, Maude, M.A.S.H) and back again. Much of this driven by Janet Jackson's flashing her boob at the Super Bowl so present day TV execs look for the whitest, blandest, non-threatening person you can find leading to Secrest…IN

But here’s where Secrest crosses over into douche territory. He actually believes his success to be the result of hard work, determination, and…wait for it….talent. (pause for you to laugh hysterically) When in actuality he got his job through sheer, dumb, odds-defying luck. Not even Judd Apatow could make him the least bit entertaining in Knocked Up. He’s like that RA in college who was the resident killjoy and trolled the halls of the dorm on Saturday nights looking for people to bust for having a good time. Then gets rewarded by hosting the dorm talent show.

3.Ashton Kutcher - Here is something you’ll never hear around the watercooler or at parties when the conversation veers to comedies, ‘Man that new Ashton Kutcher movie was hilarious!’ Sure his Michael Kelso character on That 70’s Show was funny and Punk’d was clever for about 3 episodes but over time he’s proven to be a one trick pony. The pitch meetings for his movies are summed up as “So it’s Ashton as Michael Kelso playing a (fill in the blank) opposite actress (fill in the blank) in an overly contrived (fill in the blank) situation and hilarity ensues!” Only it never does.

4.Kate Hudson - I always wondered how Hudson avoids the TSA watch list given she’s strung together more bombs than the Irish Republican Army. Similar to Aniston, a commercial pleading for starving children in Africa generates more laughs than any rom-com Hudson has appeared in. Similar to Paltrow begs to ask the question, if she didn’t win the genetic lottery of being Goldie Hawn’s daughter would she still be famous (Answer No.) In terms of her acting skill, I've seen a mannequin exude more vitality and emotion

5.The Olsen Twins - Not that I'm one to pick on looks but the Olsen Twins (Ashley and Mary-Kate) highlight unique example of where the ugliness of the outside is matched only by the ugliness of what's inside. Evidenced by how not once in any interview or public appearance have they ever shown any ounce of gratitude to the fans who made them stars and made them rich growing up. Not once. And has resulted in a obnoxious sense of entitlement as adults rearing its ugly head in public where they seem unhappy about everything is what makes them so loathsome.

First were the movies, starting with the truly craptastic straight-to-video gems that can now only be found in the $1 clearance bin of any Blockbuster store liquidation sale. Their only real feature film New York Minute was so bad that ticket takers in theaters would reply 'Uh, really?' to the handful of people idiotic enough to pay money for it. So with their acting career flushed down the toilet in the same manner which their bodyguard dumped the prescription pills belonging to Mary Kate when Heath Ledger was found dead in her apartment(allegedly).

The undynamic duo then became primarily famous for showing up at Red-Carpet events looking emaciated, in state of perpetual moping, with the facial expression of someone who just sucked on a lemon and a 'fashion' sense that would drive Michael Kors to rip out his eyeballs. Yet amazingly, the self-appointed Glitteratti swoon to every appearance and they somehow manage to get taken seriously for their opinions of taste and style matter. The mystery of who actually digs the Olson Twins is right up there with what kind of music honk buys Yoko Ono's albums.

THE 2010 ROSSY AWARDS!!!

2010-12-30T14:06:00.000-08:00

Back in the 90's my fraternity started an annual tradition of awarding the best moments of drunkenness, debauchery, and stupdity which became the Rossy Awards.Enjoy!

Best Felony Committed by a Celebrity Impersonator – A man dressed as Santa Claus robbed a series of banks in Central Tennessee around xmas time brandishing a gun and red sack to carry the cash. Witnesses described suspect as having twinkling eyes, cheeks as red as roses, and belly that looked like a bowl full of jelly. FBI noted to be lookout a miniature sleigh being pulled by eight tiny reindeer with one of them reported to have a shiny red nose

Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - Guys dream of knocking over a casino but one armed bandit managed to live it and steal $1.5 million from the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Not bad for a day's work except for one problem. He stole $1.5 million in $25K chips instead of cash which are only redeemable at...the Bellagio. As George Clooney noted in Ocean's Eleven, 'It's always the little details that matter'

Best Fight (Non-Drinking) Category – At the Comicon convention in San Diego, a comic book enthusiast (PC term for nerd) was stabbed in the eye with a pencil by another comic book enthusiast during an argument over a front row seat for a Q&A with Seth Rogan and cast of ‘The Green Hornet’. No word if the assailant was apprehended by an actual superhero or someone dressed as a superhero. Seth Rogan later visited victim in hospital asking if a glass eye could double as a one-hitter adding that it would be ‘far-out’.

Best Fight (Drinking) Category – A patron at a karaoke bar in Manila, Philippines ended up being shot and killed as a result of a fight with other patrons who did not like his version of the Frank Sinatra song ‘My Way’ and apparently wanted it their way. Music Industry experts referred to it as the Phil Spector method of voice coaching. On a possibly related note The Jonas Brothers were advised to never set foot in the Philippines.

Best Addition to the English Language - In divorce papers, former wrestler Hulk Hogan allegedly transformed a proper noun into a verb after he threatened to 'OJ' his wife during an argument. This narrowly defeated the creation of a new adjective of referring to male douchebag behavior as pulling a 'John Mayer'.

The WTF Moment of 2010 – Kim Kardashian allegedly received dozens of death threats from angry Justin Bieber fans via Twitter after the two were companions to the White House Correspondents Dinner. One of which actually prompted a Federal Investigation of a 13 year old who threatened to hijack a plane and crash it into the Kim’s house. Combined with the various mob scenes related to Bieber fever at malls and airports, JBieb fans might be the new Hell's Angels

Best Riot not involving European Soccer or Justin Bieber fans – Police in Hickory, TN were called to a Chuck E Cheese to break up a melee between two families that started over the line for a photobooth. The family fun time eventually ended in criminal charges for threatening a police officer, marijuana possession, and assault after one lucky birthday girl got punched in the face. The last one may be the most serious offense since a knuckle sandwich was normally not included with a birthday package. Management noted to prevent in any future problems they would remove Crystal Meth as a topping from the Sundae Bar.

The Exemplary Use of Firearms with Alcohol Award presented by The Nat’l Rifle Assoc. and Busch Light – A 66 year-old man in Wisconsin was arrested for shooting out his television with a shotgun after becoming enraged that Bristol Palin advanced to the finals of Dancing With The Stars which led to a 14 hour standoff with police. Because the defendant had mental issues and was 'sort of' drinking at the time, his attorneys planned an insanity defense citing no normal man in his right mind would voluntarily watch Dancing With The Stars.

The Karma Is a Bitch Award – Ivana Trump, ex-wife of Donald Trump and plastic surgery failure was thrown off an flight from Palm Beach to New York after having a tantrum about small kids crying in First Class.

The Silvio Berlesconi Award (given for best political sex scandal) – The governor of the Hyderabad region of India, Andhra Pradesh was forced to resign his office after a videotape surfaced of his performance as a amateur porn star with not one but two ladies of the night. Adult website reviews generally noted he will never be mistaken for Tommy Lee anytime soon

Best Sports moment not making Top 10 Plays of the Year – A husband in Norwalk, CT was arrested for threatening his wife with a knife after becoming angry that she canceled ESPN on their cable package. Meanwhile the Rossy Committee is about 95% sure the on-air talent at ESPN referenced the incident with either a bad pun or overused catch phrase

The Happy Hour Lasted An Hour Too Long Award – State Police in Oliver, PA found a drunken 55 year-old man in the middle of a highway trying to revive an opossum that had been flattened by a car with mouth to mouth resuscitation. The animal do-gooder was handed a citation for Drunk & Disorderly along with a pack of breath mints.

Employee of the Month Award – A Verizon debt collector was fired after telling a Las Cruces, NM customer that she would ‘blow up his mother***ing house’ over a $308 bill. Also Verizon was forced to phase out some late penalties including kneecapping, kidnapping or going for a 'drive' to a secluded swamp in New Jersey. The incident capped off a milestone year for customer service at Verizon where they were also sued after refusing to shut off phone service for deceased people claiming death certificates were not enough for proof of death

Best Moment of Unintentional Hilarity – During a blood drive pep rally at a Norwin, PA high school, students witnessed an epic misadventure with Microsoft PowerPoint when a presenter from the American Red Cross accidently opened a file containing gay porn instead of one about blood donation. Luckily for students the situation served as a teachable moment about the importance of accurately naming computer files so that myschoolpresentation.ppt could never get confused with mygayporn.ppt

The Charlie Sheen Award – This year the Rossy Committee has established a new award for epic achievement in partying and clearly only one man can bear its namesake! Mr.Charlie Sheen exemplifies excellence in the art of the good time and in 2010 set the gold standard after NYC Police were called to his suite at the Plaza Hotel to discover him naked, trashing the room in an apparent rage stemming from bad cocaine sold to him earlier that evening. Oh yeah there was a hooker hiding in the closet, too. In addition the Rossy Committee would like to acknowledge Mr.Sheen for the all-time greatest celebrity quote.Ever. “I don’t pay prostitutes for sex, I pay them to leave’

AND FINALLY..The Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee for 2010! -
A 30 year-old man in Sarasota, FL was arrested at Wal-Mart after being observed masturbating to a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in the toy aisle then leaving the residue in the middle of the floor during store hours. Since defendant will be spending his New Year's in county lockup, to accept the award will be whoever had to answer the call for ‘Clean Up in Aisle 5’.

Victoria's Secret gets men in trouble, Wikileaks, and the ONLY post-election that matters

2010-12-22T15:15:00.000-08:00

The graph that sums up the entire election – As usual the news network village idiots (aka political correspondents) managed to get it all wrong. No David Gregory it wasn’t about healthcare reform and No Fox News, America is not suddenly in love with conservatism again.

The red line shows percent job losses since this latest recession began. We are already past the halfway at which most jobless rates improved from prior recessions. Obama’s reelection prospects are directly correlated to this graph. If by 2012 the red line is still mired in negative territory, he’s a one termer.

Revenge of the Old, White, Angry Voter – I’ve seen elderly folks riot and it wasn’t pretty. For the past two years the cost of living increase for Social Security recipients has been frozen which combined with cuts to Medicare equaled one pissed off Granny. This was the other main factor contributing to November's bloodbath for Democrats which the DC punditry class also missed. There was a 22 point swing from Dems to Repubs this election compared to 2008 among voters 65 and older proving Social Security is the third rail of electoral politics, touch it and your career dies.

Introducing the Fourth Branch of Gov't - Contrary to what were taught in Civics class laws do not originate in the Legislative branch but rather the Corporate branch of Gov't. Thanks to the Citizen United case where the Supreme Court tossed out the $2500 limit on what corporations and wealthy individuals can spend on campaign donations, unelected people called lobbyists will now be writing our laws. And these corporations made good use of it with $110 million in campaign contributions with 9 to 1 ratio going to the GOP.....

.....which leads to the Republican plan on solving the economy – Allow Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas) to explain, ‘You either have to work for rich people or make things for rich people’.

The Mad Hatter called and said he wants his tea party back – While election results for the teabaggers were mixed, the guiding governing philosophy of Tea Party candidates seemed to be repeal of the 20th century:

Return to racial segregation – Rand Paul, US Sen Kentucky (winner)

Repeal of the 14th Amendment (grants citizenship to all born in US) – Tom Tancredo, Gov Colorado (loser)

Repeal of the 17th Amendment (allowing direct election of Senators) – Ken Buck, US Sen Colorado (loser)

Repeal of Separation of Church & State, anti-masturbation, and pro witchcraft – Christine O’Donnell, US Sen Delaware (loser)

Bringing Back Prohibition, Elimination of public schools, Elimination of Social Security and Medicare – Sharon Angle, US Sen Nevada (loser)

Elimination of Minimum Wage and worker’s rights – Joe Miller, US Sen Alaska (loser)

Elimination of the Census because it’s really a plot to help create forced re-education camps once an all encompassing Zionist one-World government takeover is completed by Obama who happens to be Kenyan born, Muslim socialist terrorist – Michele Bachmann, US Rep Minnesota and Mayor of Crazytown (winner)

So when exactly does that audacity kick in? – Watching Obama the past few months has been like watching George McFly get beat up in the parking lot in Back To The Future. You keep wondering when does the nerd finally fight back and assert himself against Biff.

But in other news, it was safe to laugh again – Conan O’Brien returned to late night television. Jay Leno still a no talent suck-ass.

Proof that Secret Intelligence is really an oxymoron – Of the more than 200K ‘Top Secret’, ‘Classified’ pages released on the whistleblower site about America’s foreign policy, 95% could be classified as ‘Well, Duh’. Among the Earth shattering information, Canada is our chief ally, China thinks were stupid, and Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has a penchant for Cuban cigars.

Proof times are getting better– Oprah Winfrey announced her show is going off the air.

Proof globalization is now complete – Hearst magazines announced the launch of Cosmopolitan in Mongolia. Among the highlighted stories in the inaugural issue: ‘How to flirt with a goat herder’, ’The hottest looks in sheepskin’, and ‘Try these 5 bedroom moves tonight and turn your timid nomad into Genghis Khan!’

The 2022 FIFA Soccer World Cup Host Announced – and the winner is Qatar! Which is a shame because soccer was just about on the verge of respectability here in the States. The official reason was listed as allowing the Middle East a chance to host the tournament.

Probably the real reasons were either the selection board of FIFA made the decision while breathing in paint thinner or each member was handed a briefcase of unmarked, untraceable cash from Qatari rulers. Either way that Connecticut sized dingleberry of a country on the Persian Gulf was selected where its charms include a repressive monarchy, no alcohol, and no real rights for women. One small possible oversight is the prospect of playing games when the average temperature reaches 130 degrees in summertime.

Ever wonder if the people running your company are idiots? - Now we have confirmation with the show Undercover Boss which goes a long way to explaining decline of American innovation lately. Amazing how CEO's who are supposedly the smartest people in the organization are clueless how things in their companies actually work. Also amazing is how they are continually surprised to learn in this economy that their employees are struggling yet dutifully show up and work hard anyway because their family well-being depends upon doing a good job.

George Bush reminds us he’s still an asshole – In his not very eagerly awaited autobiography, George Bush reveled the worst moment of his presidency was when Kanye West called him a racist. Considering during his tenure Bush witnessed 9/11, the bungled Iraq War, and the drowning of New Orleans during Katrina. Each event resulted in catastrophic loss of life and one would assume those rank up there on the all time list of bad days. However for Junior the worst moment was being a called a name on Nat'l TV. The breadth of his narcissism and ego is stunning.

An Open Letter to Victoria’s Secret –
My Dearest Vicky,

Oh how we men of a certain age and marital status appreciate your catalogs, commercials, and window placement at malls. But we need a little more 'secretness' from you when showing your Lingerie fashion show. You see we can’t really openly enjoy without getting into major trouble with our significant others and developing that skeevy perv feeling we normally get from watching Miley Cyrus videos. Perhaps renaming to something generic like ‘The Victorian Fishing Show’ or ‘Victorian Do It Your Self Tips’ so as to not be conspicuous or anything when TIVO’d. (wink,wink, nudge, nudge)

Sincerely,

All human beings with the XY Chromosome

Summer 2010 Wrap-Up (The Extra Spicy Edition!!!)

2010-12-22T15:11:00.000-08:00

Well with summer of 2010 behind us historians may look back as the year Americans became crazy from the heat

Hottest Summer Ever (no really) – Around here in Jersey, this summer was statistically the hottest on record with a record 53 days eclipsing the 90 degree mark. It was so hot even the camels at the zoo were telling their trainers ‘F**k this man, I’m staying inside’. Strangely all the climate change deniers were pretty quiet during this time

So as temps climbed, Obama’s approval dropped – What’s becoming apparent is that Obama got rolled by Wall Street because as they posted record profits, folks on Main Street still cannot find a job or those with a job aren’t feeling too secure about it.You know Wall Street now officially runs the place when at Congressional hearings, Goldman Sachs was presented with evidence they sold investors on bad deals then had the balls to bet against those bad deals in some strange mechanism called derivatives. Their response was ‘yeah, so?’

Thankfully there were some great vacation deals on the Gulf coast – With an exploding oil rig followed by blithering incompetence from British Petroleum, the Gulf of Mexico resembled the port-a-potty at a Texas chili cook off.

Interestingly gas prices stayed relatively affordable throughout the whole debacle which seems strange considering normally someone so much as sneezes on a oil rig and World Petroleum prices go up $10 a barrell. Not that I’m implying collusion or price fixing or anything like that among oil companies since they seem so trustworthy from what they tell us in their commercials.

Who you calling ‘We’ White Man? – Fulfilling Obama’s observation that rednecks tend to cling to their guns and bibles during times of uncertainty, Glenn Beck was able to fill the void with his ‘I have a Scheme’ speech….urr….Restore Honor rally in Washington DC convincing 90,000 angry, old, white people that America’s salvation lay in his new book available for only $29.99.

Not sure when exactly America lost its honor but I have a suspicion honor is one of those code phrases for the good old days when Obama had to enter the White House through the servants entrance as opposed to the front door. Washington natives were a understandably apprehensive about Beck's acolytes since most normal people attending rallies usually do not have to be told to leave their guns at home.

Hot new feud: Tea Party vs. Republican Corporate Establishment – As the hope and change thingy got replaced by fear and loathing, a group of angry conservatives developed a habit of dressing up in Revolution War garb and demanding independence from the British. This is where George Michael found out it wasn't THAT kind of teabagging.

When confronted with the fact its 2010 and not 1776 the teabaggers turned their furor on the GOP establishment during election primaries, setting the stage for the real power struggle in Washington next year. Those who want to totally slash Gov't spending against the GOP's corporate overlords who have no desire to see Gov't spending get cut.

Meanwhile some people wanted to blame the Mexicans – If you are Hispanic, a legal resident, and live in Arizona now may be a really good time to get involved in politics or least vote to counter state legislators who apparently do not like you very much. Demonstrated with the passage of SB1070 which allowed police to demand proof of ID of anyone they suspect is illegal (in other words having brown skin) which presumably would result in racial profiling and harassment.

However, before every restaurant kitchen in Phoenix could be emptied out, one of those ‘activist’ Federal judges put a halt to the law citing some small little issue of it violating the US Constitution. But the joke may be on all those rich, wrinkled white people because in 20 years they’ll need someone to wipe their ass in the nursing home.

Ever hear the World’s most annoying sound? – American sports fans were introduced to the vuvezela during soccer’s World Cup.

American Idol wasn’t the only big lineup change – The non-stop party that is Kim Jong-Il's North Korea will take a breather to welcome in his son Kim Il-something-or-other as successor. Foreign analysts presume that Junior helps prove the crazy don’t fall far from the batshit. Seeing as he’s only 27 years old he probably can play the ultimate ‘Do you know who Iam?’ card at clubs and parties. Plus with keys to a nuclear arsenal, Junior can probably have his way demanding free upgrades on airline miles when on the phone with his credit card rewards program.

Top Five Reasons You Can't Blame the (Not really at) Ground Zero Mosque – Never one to miss a chance to demagogue an issue, Newt Gingrich has helped create a dangerous backlash against a proposed mosque near Ground Zero and because nothing says patriotism like cheaply politicizing a Nat'l tragedy. Before anyone starts warming up the bonfire to burn Korans let’s take a few items into consideration

1.You have to differentiate between normal peaceful Muslims and the asswipes who blew up the World Trade Center. These terrorists who were no more a true reflection of Muslims than Pat Robertson is a true reflection of Christianity.

2.It’s really not a mosque, but more of a Muslim YMCA that happens to be open to everyone.

3.It's not really at Ground Zero but two blocks away where within that radius you can find a strip club, an assortment of illegal drugs, and prostitution presumably aimed at the after-hours Wall Street crowd. If Gingrich was worried about desecrating hollowed ground of 9/11 victims start with eliminating those.

4.There happens to be ANOTHER mosque that's even closer to Ground Zero and has been existence since 1968.

5. On the actual site of the Ground Zero are several new office towers that whenever someone goes to the bathroom where does that plumbing go to reach the sewers?...through the resting place of 3,000 people.

Think about that one for second. The site of our Nation's greatest tragedy could not overcome the high corporate real estate value of lower Manhattan. Sort of like building a condo on the site of Pearl Harbor because the ocean views were too good to pass up.If you wanna get mad about desecration, blame the developers not the Muslims.

It's Time for NEW RULES (2010 Edition)

2010-08-13T03:08:00.000-07:00

Yes I shamelessly borrowed this concept from Bill Maher

NEW RULE 1 Sex addiction no longer allowed as an excuse for celebrities caught cheating – By now we all know the routine, celeb gets caught in affair, celeb goes into 'sex rehab', celeb does confessional on Oprah, then all is supposedly forgiven. No more, if you're a celebrity and you get having an extramarital affair you don't have a sex addiction, but rather you were someone who won the genetic lottery, had other options sexually and chose to use them.

NEW RULE 2: The TLC Channel must change its name – TLC whose current acronym stands for The Learning Channel must change its name since nothing on that channel is anything worth learning. Unless you still film 'Jon and Kate Plus 8' to document how fame can disintegrate a marriage and corrupt individuals. A possible suggestion for a new name is The 'Dwarfs and dweebs having way too many kids along with some gibroni in New Jersey baking cakes which somehow is supposed to be cute' channel. Also applies to Discovery Health which will now be renamed 'Judging the Mentally Ill' channel.

NEW RULE 3: The Oscars must be subject to a recall vote – This is because upon further review there is absolutely no comprehendible, conceivable, f***ing way that Gwyneth Paltrow beats out Cate Blanchett for Best Actress in 1999. See also: Dances with Wolves over Goodfellas for Best Picture in 1991, Forrest Gump over Pulp Fiction for Best Picture in 1995, and the documentary Hoop Dreams never getting nominated in Best Documentary that same year.

NEW RULE 4: Celebrity sex tapes cannot be released unless it's a celebrity we actually want to see have sex – Tapes involving Kendra Wilkinson, Kim Kardashian, et al are acceptable if they can pass the '15 test' which is will a 15 year old teenage boy be aroused enough to want spank off to it. Otherwise shifts to the latter category featuring Pamela Anderson, Tanya Harding, et al where they will be banned for benefit of public health to prevent unintended vomiting. However any sex tape featuring Megan Fox must played on a 24 hour cycle on all major broadcast networks.

NEW RULE 5: The Idle wealthy cannot complain....about anything – Recent studies have shown that rich people who don't work and don't have to (reference: Rich Housewives of New York, trust fund babies, children adopted by Brangelina) are the most likely to seek therapy several times a week because apparently being rich is such a burden with all of its little problems. Therefore counseling for them is limited to forced viewing of the following footage in a never ending loop: 1) kids rummaging a sewage canal for food in Indonesia, 2) a mother hoping to get formula for her starving child in refugee camp in Haiti, 3) working class family in middle America trying to figure out how to pay their mortgage and avoid foreclosure.

NEW RULE 6: Anyone who still chants 'Drill Baby Drill!' is officially a moron – After seeing the calamity in the Gulf of Mexico does anyone still want to argue that finding an alternative energy source other than oil is still a waste of time? If you answered 'Yes' please grab a bucket, mop, gloves and report to the Louisiana coast for clean up duty. Then if the answer is still 'Yes' please see an unemployed Gulf fisherman so they shove a bucketload of oil covered shrimp down your throat.

NEW RULE 7: Creationists cannot be Anti-Environment – If you're a fundamentalist Christian who holds a literal interpretation of the Bible that Earth is only 5,000 years, there is no way you can be in favor of multi-national Energy companies, since oil is formed by decomposing matter from fossils that give or take a couple of MILLION years to form. Because that would be illogical.

NEW RULE 8: Musicians cannot have a 'Retirement' tour one year then several years later stage a 'Comeback' tour – This is sort a hybrid of the Garth Brooks, Eninem, Jay-Z rule because with average cost to see a concert now exceeding $100 per person no one really wants to be jerked around. Therefore alternately must be called 'We're going away on vacation for a three year drug bender' tour followed several years later by the 'Our accountant called with bad news so we're back on the road for more cash' tour.

NEW RULE 9: The Jonas Brothers are officially banned from the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame – Any 'rock' band that poses on the cover of Good Housekeeping with their mom is not a rock band, plus any 'rock' band where middle aged parents like to listen to it as much as their kids is not a rock band. Therefore I place this curse upon The Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame: Should any of the Jonas Brothers ever enter its hallowed halls even to use the bathroom, the remaining members of The Sex Pistols will burn it to the ground with the Jonas Brothers inside then urinate on its ashes.

NEW RULE 10: Jesus Needs new PR – Effective immediately, Pope Benedict, Pat Robertson, The Religious Right, et al you are all fired. Please collect your things and leave out the side door as we'll send your 2-week severance in the mail. We who do believe are tired of having to apologize to non-believers every time you say or do something stupid which lately is roughly once an hour. Therefore we will begin the search for new spokespeople whose embodiment runs more along the lines of that guy who lived 2,000 years ago in Jerusalem whose message centered on peace, love, and understanding. You know THAT guy from whom Christianity gets it namesake. Also we'll need Rev. Fred "I picket funerals of fallen US soldiers with God Hate Fags signs" Phelps and all of your braindead followers to kindly report for euthanasia at your nearest death row prison facility.

NEW RULE 11: Politicians and other public figures can no longer offer Non-Apology 'Apologies' when saying something offensive, stupid (or both) – Here's an example of annoying trend in public discourse. During the South Carolina Republican gubernatorial primary State Sen. Jake Knotts referred to candidate Nikki Haley, an Asian-Indian, as a 'raghead' when describing why he endorsed her main rival. Inevitably a fury ensued so Sen.Knotts offered this contrition in the form of 'Sorry if anyone was offended' which sounded more like 'What the hell is the big deal?' as opposed to a real apology which would sound like 'Sorry, what I said was wrong'. Therefore anyone receiving an non-apology 'apology' is thereby allowed to refer to the offending party's mother as a filthy, c-sucking whore, then say 'Sorry if you were offended'.

And Finally NEW RULE 12: Any wingnut who threatens to leave the US because Obama is President must put their money where their mouth is...AND LEAVE – I was never a very big fan of George Bush but at no time in his Presidency did I ever consider leaving because this is my country, my birthplace, and besides Europe is just too crowded. Lately some on the right-wing fringe have been making noise about fleeing the country because they don't like who got democratically elected as President. Interesting how overnight due to one election we went from World's greatest country to some Authoritarian socialist-fascist state. These people are sort of like bandwagon fans in Sports, cheer on their team when times are great but root for some other team when times are bad. So they bloviate about fleeing to Canada or somewhere in Latin America where personal freedom still exists since America became communist or something (not sure if they realize even Costa Rica has universal healthcare).

If that's the case, then leave because this country can get a lot more done without all the dead weight because as Thomas Paine famously declared that now is not the time for 'sunshine patriots'. I know a tropical paradise that will be perfect where you won't be bothered by who gets elected President, you can have all the individual freedom you want, and the income is tax free because there's no government interference whatsoever! It's called Somalia! Though just remember to pack a lot of guns because you'll probably need them. Meanwhile we'll give your spot to one of the millions of people worldwide waiting to come here as immigrants and start their American dream.

Stoners vs. Grizzlies, Gulf Oil Spill, and Spencer Pratt = Condom FAIL

2010-06-22T17:01:00.000-07:00

New Rule: The phrase ‘Well no one could have imagined that…’ is no longer allowed as an excuse – BP British Petroleum when building their oil platforms in the Gulf of Mexico decided to forgo a device known as a ‘emergency shut-off valve’ because its $500K cost hurt the bottom line and was not required by US law (Dick Cheney strikes again). Thus as a consequence BP literally find themselves in a world of shit. Their CEO muttered a phrase similarly used to explain Iraq, Katrina, and Kardashian sisters ‘Well no one could have imagined that…’

You mean no one at BP could have imagined the scenario that an oil platform could possibly blow-up spilling its contents into the ocean? Or that perhaps formulating a contingency plan in case you know the unforeseeable happens…like say an oil platform blows up spilling up to 50,000 gallons would be sort of prudent. Or the idea that when drilling at 5,000 feet below sea level that perhaps you should have the necessary tools to stop an oil spill at 5,000 feet. But what we I know since I’m just one of the ‘little people’.

Rise of the Machines - Over in Europe scientists have created the first true artificial intelligence with machines that have learned some very human traits such as jealously, pride, and self-survival. Technocrats have something called 'Singularity Theory', the moment machines reach a point where the creation becomes smarter than the creator. And you thought premise to 'The Terminator' was crap.

Cue song ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ – George Rekers, noted pediatrician, scholar, and homophobe who is famed for his advocacy of fighting gay rights and co-founder of Focus on the Family had a little explaining to do recently. He was photographed at Miami Int’l Airport…coming back from Spain…accompanied by a 20 year-old man…who was later identified as a ‘male escort’…whom Rekers hired off the gay escort site rentboy.com…where they vacationed for two weeks…whom Rekers said he hired to ‘carry his luggage’...but photograph showed Rekers carrying his own luggage…while said escort noted that Rekers liked back massages as foreplay.

Fear of a Brown Planet – Arizona’s SB1070 which requires police to ask anyone who looks like an illegal immigrant (re:Mexican) to show proof of citizenship. Most likely the law won’t last due to the little oversight that it violates the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution (protection against unreasonable search and seizure) and frankly comes down to this: old, rich white people afraid of Latino kids in their low-rider cars. My advice for Gov. Leatherface Jan Brewer is just because you don’t actually bother to know any Hispanic residents of your state who are citizens (30% of AZ population according to US Census) does not mean that they do not exist.

What a Int'l pissing contest looks like – Located in South Atlantic Ocean are a group islands called The Falklands that literally fit the description of middle of nowhere. Populated by about 100,000 sheep and the 3,000 British colonists that love them, has been the scene of 150 year feud between United Kingdom and Argentina which even led to a three month war in 1982 where the latter got beaten like a rented mule.

Now that oil has been discovered off the Falkland shores both combatants are saber-rattling again over who has sovereignty (ie: oil rights). In the real world this would look like two douchebags in a nightclub posing like they’re ready to fight over a woman where in reality they’re waiting for someone to intervene and say ‘no fighting’ (this is where the UN would come in). Best solution is to settle it via a contest of ‘Yo Momma’ jokes.

Totalitarianism Comes to America – A condo association in Baltimore has subpoenaed all pet DNA belonging to residents so the crack squad of investigators can track down the owner who keeps leaving dog poop and not picking up. No word yet on when this will become storyline fodder for one of the CSI shows. Civil libertarians noted with alarm ‘First they came for the dogs then they came for the Jews, then they came for the…

The Case CourtTV should televised – In Hopkins v. Uninsured Employers' Fund , an zoo employee (Hopkins) who was mauled by a grizzly bear while stoned out of his skull (picture Woody Harrelson feeding a bear) sued to claim unemployment since they could not prove that marijuana led the bear to attack.

The decision from Judge Shea: "[w]hen it comes to attacking humans, grizzlies are equal opportunity maulers; attacking without regard to race, creed, ethnicity, or marijuana usage." In ruling in favor for Hopkins however Shea commented "use of marijuana to kick off a day of working with grizzly bears as ill-advised and mind-bogglingly stupid."

The Freshman Congressional Class of ’94 – Who will now be referred in history books ‘When the conservative revolution met the sexual revolution’. Of the 73 newly elected congresspeople back in the 1994 GOP landslide, 15 have resigned due to a sex scandal. For the math impaired that’s hanky-panky rate of 21%. The latest being in the form of Rep. Mark Souder (R-IND) who championed abstinence education for schools but sort forgot those lessons when having an affair with his assistant.

Why Sex Ed Matters - Spencer Pratt's father when asked to comment on his son replied "wished he'd worn a condom 25 years ago". I'd like to second that sentiment.

And while were on the topic of Condom FAIL – Bristol Palin who got pregnant at 17 is now receiving up to $30,000 in speaker’s fees to headline the importance of abstinence education. Sort of like attending a lecture about business ethics by Bernie Madoff.

Coming to bookstore near you – A cookbook by Sarah Palin titled ’Just for the Halibut: REAL Alaskan Cooking for REAL Americans living in REAL America’. Actually that's not true, but would anyone be surprised if it wasn’t.

Advice for Obama on Financial Reform: Ask WWFPD as in What Would Ferdinand Pecora Do? - In the aftermath of 1929 stock market crash and bank failures that led to the Great Depression, Congress appointed a prosecutor named Ferdinand Pecora to lead an investigation into the causes of the crash. The result was the Pecora Commission in 1933 where Wall Street titans like JP Morgan would walk into hearings with smug arrogance only to leave a week later reduced to sniveling little girls after having their asses handed to them. All of the interrogations and verbal smackdowns led to the findings which blew the lid off the abuses and fraud on Wall Street to the American public.

The hearings led to a whole host of regulations designed to keep Wall Street honest and prevent the stock market from pulling down the economy which worked famously up until the 1980’s and 90’s when banking lobbyists managed gradually repeal most of the regulation. Fast forward to 2008 with yet another stock market crash. Only this time no one in Washington seems to have the backbone to take on the big banks of Wall Street and all of their lobbyists. Here sir is where you come in and start ‘Pecora Commission II: Back to kick more ass’. Because otherwise the United States will cease to be a democracy and instead become a corporatocracy.

If I hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner....

2010-05-06T15:01:00.000-07:00

Every year in Washington Pols and the media who are supposed to cover them get together for something called the White House Correspondents Dinner where they rib and roast each other essentially making it the World’s largest JO session. Traditionally a star comic does the keynote roast and too see an excellent roast lookup Stephen Colbert in 2006 on YouTube. Seeing as this year, it was hosted by Jay LAMEo (re:Leno) who broke the comedian’s code of recycling old jokes and generally bombed because he’s a no talent suck ass.

I decided to give it my treatment so if I hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner…..

Announcer - Ladies and gentleman, the emcee for tonight’s soiree, (Insert your name here)( Applause)

Thank you, thank you. Well with two wars raging, 10% unemployment, and an environmental disaster in Louisiana, glad to see the DC crowd still myopic as ever and show its concern by throwing big old party for itself. Well they say politics is showbusiness for ugly people, and looking around the room I’d say they’re right. Jesus, if ugly people supposedly fell off the ugly tree, you people look like you got bounced around by an ugly forest.

Well our guest of the night, a worldwide icon inspiring hope in milllions...First Lady Michelle Obama..(Thunderous applause, standing ovation)......along with President Obama (polite clapping). Well Mr.President have to say I was worried for a moment there before healthcare passed. I thought we voted for the second coming of FDR, instead we got the second coming of Jimmy Carter. You looked like ‘Mr.Smith Goes to Washington’ except you’re version of Mr.Smith was acting like a complete pussy. (Republicans laugh)

But thankfully I’m guessing you've turned the corner and sans diddling an intern with a cigar I’m thinking you’re re-election is probably a given (Hillary Clinton laughs) as I look at the list of GOP Presidential frontrunners, why don’t we run down that murderer’s row (make sarcastic quote of ‘murderer’) :

Mitt Romney, former Gov of Massachusetts whose healthcare reform bill in his state provided the genesis for the nat’l one yet he’s running for President on promise to repeal it thinking will no one will notice. (laughter)..yep he’s moron! (cue to Mitt Romney laughing then getting the joke five minutes later)

Tim Pawlenty, current Gov of Minnesota whose main claim to fame is serving as the typical white guy photo in Microsoft ClipArt. Biggest problem is his last name matches his personality, where it sounds too much like one of those bland, Fiber,whole grain cereals that make you poop 10 times a day.

Newt Gingrich, former House speaker and current blowhard where I’m thinking his candidacy will be viable for about 5 minutes. That’s about the time when voters learn how you divorced your first wife while she fought breast cancer. Especially the romantic part where you demanded she sign divorce papers…..as she woke up from mastectomy surgery in the hospital.

Mike Huckabee, former Gov of Arkansas…..three words Not.Gonna.Happen

So that leaves…(introduce theme song to Jaws dundun dundun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN…)

Sarah Palin!,AHHHH!…(Jaws music crescendos). The walking, talking nightmare of every thinking American.

Now let me explain why Blue States are scared shitless of her getting anywhere near power. Remember the movie ‘The Dead Zone’ with Christopher Walken when he was at his absolute creepiest? The story is Walken plays a psychic who can tell people’s future by shaking their hand, and one day meets a Senate candidate played by Martin Sheen. Well Walken envisions Sheen becoming a ego-maniacal President who will start an unprovoked nuclear war and realizes he has to stop him.

And that’s what I see with Sarah Palin…..BOOM!....mushroom clouds resulting in death, disease, destruction, starvation after she mistakes the nuclear launch codes for her laptop. Now I’m not saying I’ll end up like Walken in a high vantage point with a sniper’s rifle…but don’t push me! (Democrats roar with laughter)

Now lets spotlight some other Political heavyweights and lowlifes…

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, now let’s see you have 40 seat majority which you may lose to the GOP next year….well leave it to Democrats to pull defeat from the absolute clutches of victory. (cue Pelosi trying to smile, but can’t due to collagen injections)

Former Bush political advisor Karl Rove, if you were any bigger of an asshole we’d need a proctologist

David Axelrod Resident Genius (trademark), Obama’s chief political advisor. After looking at those poll numbers and looming electoral disaster for Democrats this year, not sure I’m seeing the genius. Did you win the election last year or did McCain lose it?

Sen. John Ensign of Nevada, I like the way you roll playa. I mean pretending to be all conservative family values while banging your chief of staff’s wife, then when caught paying him off with extortion money and gov’t contracts to keep quiet. Now that’s genius…..oh wait….that’s not public knowledge yet….ooops….my bad. (cue FBI serving Ensign a search warrant).

Former VP candidate John Edwards....you can just get the hell out of here! Seriously take your nutty mistress and leave! (cue John Kerry clapping)

Now let’s meet some our esteemed members of the LAMESTREAM Media….

First, there’s David Gregory host of NBC's Meet the Press, which reminds me, I found some kneepads underneath the podium so naturally I’ll assume their yours after fellating The Bush Admin for 8 years… (cue Katie Couric laughing)

The dean of the Sunday Morning chat show, Bob Schieffer who recently announced the novel concept of using fact-checkers during his CBS show. Whoaa Bob.....you mean it didn't occur to you that politicians may not be telling the truth? And you have you've hosted the show for how long?

Ahh, Katie Couric, the woman who brought down Palin with her ‘Interview that saved the World’. Oh Katie I’m sure you won’t try to milk that for the next decade or so. (cue David Gregory laughing)

George Stephanopoulos, host of ABC's This Week....oops I mean former host....after being relegated to ABC This Morning because you’re work during last election exposed you as a vapid, know-nothing hack. (everybody laughs hysterically)

And the folks at politico.com who I would refer to as the TMZ of politics, except TMZ actually has some sort of journalistic integrity

And Fox News political analyst and convicted prostitute toe licker Dick Morris….. speaking of Fox News where’s CEO Rupert Murdoch? …..Ahh you know having someone like Glenn Beck spew daily violent, delusional, unsubstantiated conspiracy theories to an audience of armed wingnuts who you personally noted were not all that bright sort akin to lighting a match around a leaking gasoline truck. But hey, what harmful unintended consequences could possibly come from a little bloviating now and then?…...(mutter under breath) Tim McVeigh and the Oklahoma City bombing….

Finally how about that Tea Party movement, huh? Which is complete bullshit because were a country of coffee drinkers. I swear Jeff Foxworthy could do a whole new comedy routine from these tea party rallies….’ If you believe the Census is a socialist plot to round up all gunowners into re-education camps, then you might be a redneck’ (cue Jeff Foxworthy furiously writing something on a napkin)

But I thought I’d end with three little pieces of advice for all the teabaggers out there foaming at the mouth with white male paranoia masquerading as a protest over taxes:

First, when making those cleaver little signs, enlist the help of spellcheck or a dictionary or someone with a reading level higher than the 3rd grade. Another idea, swap signs to check others work that way you can catch errors easier….like suggesting ending The with an e.

Second, if you’re going to dress up in Revolutionary War garb, go all out. A patriot hat and coat over a faded NASCAR racing t-shirt gives the impression you’re really not committed.

Lastly, you cannot use the words communist AND fascist as adjectives to both describe the same thing in the same sentence. These are two diametrically opposite concepts in political science…..sort of like trying to use Matter vs. Anti-Matter.....or sort of like calling someone a Yankees fan and a Red Sox fan….simply makes no sense. But I’m sure you already knew that (vaguely hiding contempt).

Well time for me to head out before I gag from the sight of Ann Coulter eating but you’ve been a great audience. If I’ve said anything to offend....then good, I meant it and I hope it stings. Good night and on behalf of middle, working class America, to quote Dick Cheney.....go fuck yourselves!

Lindsay Lohan, Philly Airport, and Healthcare is sort of a big f*****g deal

2010-04-01T03:26:00.000-07:00

Spellcheck FAIL - My photo outside the Taco Bell in Mantua, New Jersey. Really hope this is not indicative of the local school system.

Air Traffic Control = So Easy a Kid Can Do It – The head of air traffic control at New York’s JFK Airport has some explaining to do after audiotapes revealed two instances of kids actually directing air traffic last year. Not sure what the dust up is all about, since it’s only like the nation’s busiest airport, located in a densely populated area, with dozens of airplanes carrying thousands of passengers circling the city at any given moment. What could possibly go wrong? Besides there’s always the Hudson River if a plane ever really needed to land.

Most unfortunately named village on Earth – In Yemen, a village called al Qeada is considering changing it’s name for obvious reasons. Though having a controversial sounding name was never a deterrent to places Intercourse, PA or Dildo, Newfoundland

Forget Virginia, Philly’s Airport is the place for lovers – According to a recent survey of air travelers, Philadelphia Int’l Airport was ranked ‘Best Place to Hookup’ during a layover which is convenient for anyone flying US Airways because as the hub you’ll be there for awhile. Who knew building a Marriott hotel inside the main terminal would be so forward thinking. Bet you could make a killing running a condom kiosk.

Evidently ‘The Hills’ really does speak to today’s youth – A group of teenagers in Beverly Hills found a lucrative afterschool activity by breaking into celebrities homes and stealing cash, jewelry, clothes to the tune of $2 million dollars. Earning the name ‘Bling Ring’, they were eventually caught via surveillance footage, and when pressed for a motive said ‘They wanted the clothes they saw celebrities wearing on TV’ which doesn’t exactly put them a league with John Dillinger gang.

However, seeing as their victims included Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Adrienne Partridge they may be able set a new legal precedence of “Robbing from stupid rich people can’t be considered a crime if they never notice their belongings are actually missing”. Hilton was robbed 4 times before she finally noticed $500K of jewelry were missing and every time left her door unlocked.

John Mayer reveals the racial preferences of his penis – At this point Mayer is the male version of Megan Fox when it comes to interviews in terms of suffering from bouts of unfettered verbal diarrhea. In a interview for Playboy Mayer referred to his wanker as ‘David Duke’ because of it’s 'white supremacist tendencies’ when choosing the race of women ‘it likes to sleep with'. The only thing more controversial besides referring to his penis in the third person was dropping the ‘n’ word which when unless you’re a rapper is sort of verboten.

If you like your religion a little on the extremist side – A group calling themselves ‘The Army of God’ who fashion themselves the Christian Taliban have been patrolling Amarillo, Texas as sort of a morality police recently made headlines after forcibly breaking up a swinger’s party in town. Besides swingers, evidently the group is also targeting strip clubs, gay bars, coffee shops, book stores, liberal churches, and just about anywhere that doesn’t agree with their rigid interpretation of Christianity. This would be a good time for say Local or State law enforcement to intervene and put a stop to these people since last I checked harrassing people doing lawful activities sort violates the idea of personal freedom. Plus we would not want Pat Robertson getting any ideas.

Coming up next on The People’s Court – Lindsay Lohan, failed actress/singer/fashion designer and current raging nitwit sued e*Trade over a Super Bowl ad that supposedly defames her (the one with the talking baby calling another baby Lindsay an milkoholic) and she’s asking for the pittance sum of $100 million dollars. Legal experts weighed in on the suit noting even crack dealers were asking ‘What is she high?’. Actually the case will eventually get dismissed citing the Supreme Court case ‘Hustler Magazine vs. Falwell’ that ruled obvious parody cannot be considered slander or libel.

The suit is quite insightful because it reads right like a mental health checklist for schizophrenia:
Irrational Thought – That ‘milkoholic’ joke directly references her (allegedly) past substance abuse problems
Delusions of Grandeur - Claims the named baby ‘Lindsay’ references her because she’s so famous Worldwide that she is recognized by just her first name (akin to Madonna, Liberace, or Jesus)
Paranoia – That commercial will irrevocably hurt her career
Seeing or Hearing Things that aren’t Real – Lindsay having people tell her she actually has a career

Republicans successfully capture the ‘bat shit crazy’ segment of voters – Modern conservatism started out as an intellectual movement centered among Ivy Leaguers and other elite who wanted an alternative to FDR's New Deal policies. Now compared to present time, where according to a Harris Poll, 25% of registered Republicans believe Barack Obama to be the Anti-Christ while another 13% aren't sure.

Facebook goes from Social Network to STD Network - Officals in Sunderland, England blamed a sudden spike in Syphillis and Gonorrhea in the community citing the easy access of hooking up via Facebook. However, other theories include the unusually harsh winter in the UK and the fact that in Sunderland is the type of town where there is nothing else to do except drink and shag (English slang for f***). Also have to consider how the local sheep population factors in.

Another Facebook FYI – If you become a ‘fan’ of corporations or products, those companies can in turn mine every piece of your Facebook data. I know this to be true because we were just demo’d software for my company to do that very thing. Just something you might be interested in case you’re like one of those X-Files believing, tin-foil wearing, conspiracist types who believes that alien Zionists from the planet Nephyeon plan to covertly take over Earth through mind control enabled by the butter in microwave popcorn. I’d also mention MySpace but like who actually uses MySpace anymore? (yeah I said it Tom!)

Healthcare Reform (Yep, Joe Biden it's sort of a big f*****g deal) – Evidently Obama reads my blog because last month I extolled him to drop the hope and change thingy in exchange for a more ballsier approach (re: LBJ and Medicare/Medicaid Act). And voila in a show of unusual testicular fortitude, Obama and the Democrats went ahead and actually passed much needed healthcare reform. Meanwhile, for congrats, Europe called and welcomed America to the civilized world where human life comes before corporate profit along with the added benefit of universal healthcare actually spurring economic growth by controlling medical costs.

Now for all the teabaggers out there, put down the pitchforks and shotguns, have a nice cold beer and take a minute to chill out. Because the law just passed was originally a Republican idea and if you want to protest somebody, protest Mitt Romney who enacted the same legislation in Massachusetts while Governor making it the first state to ever have universal coverage. You know, that commie, pinko, socialist guy now running in President in 2012 on the GOP ticket, THAT Mitt Romney.

NBC Olympic Fail, Craigslist eliminates need for pimps, and How Miley Cyrus explains the deficit

2010-02-24T16:27:00.000-08:00

Craiglist phases out pimping: Call it another classic example of a profession being phased out by technology. According Dept. of Justice study, pimps are becoming few and far between thanks to Craigslist which allows the Hooker and the John to arrange services directly, therefore cutting out the middle man.

How Miley Cyrus explains Gov't Deficit Spending: There is indeed a 'Party in the USA' but right now that party is being financed by China and how soon until they get tired of watching someone else drink their beer? The current proposed budget is uhh shall we say debt heavy calling for $2 Trillion dollars above what the US can raise in tax revenue. So why is this a problem? Nothing unless our foreign creditors decide to call in the debt and we essentially become like Argentina in the 80's or Greece right now minus the salsa dancing and babes in bikinis.

Joan Rivers denied boarding a plane in Newark Airport...: Because thanks to plastic surgery she no longer resembles Joan Rivers on her picture ID. There is indeed a thing called too much when talking about plastic surgery, so when your face resembles mannequin rather than a human being it's time to stop.

Royal Caribbean - never let tragedy stand in the way of a good time: Cruise liner Royal Caribbean came under fire for docking in Labadee, Haiti just 2 days after the devastating earthquake pratically destroyed the country. I'll have to call inappropriate here since you really should let the bodies get cold before ordering a Tequila Sunrise out of respect you know.

NBC (Not Broadcasting Correctly): At the beginning of 2009 NBC had a choice to make in it's The Tonight Show lineup, either let Jay Leno 'retire' and bring in Conan O'Brien or let Jay Leno keep the show and let O'Brian walk away for $20 million. It tried to have both it ways and worked so well that in nine short months resulted in the 'biggest television programming debacle ever' which even considering Tori Spelling's career is saying something. So to bring Leno back at 11:35pm now costs you paying out O'Brain $35 million along with Dave Letterman now tops in the ratings. Glad that was worth it.

More NBC Fail - The Olympic Edition: Not sure if 'super-genius NBC Sports Exec Dick Ebersol'(trademark) has ever heard of a thing called the internet, but his 1976 broadcast model of tape delaying everything for prime time has managed to kill both ratings and profitability. Thanks to the World Wide Web we know if Lindsay Vonn won downhill gold roughly..oh say..10 seconds after crossing the finish line, so why exactly should I wait 8 hours later to see if she won? Also not helping are the 40 minute to 20 minute ratio of commercials to actual sports coverage. But then again Ebersol like the rest of NBC brain trust occupy that Ivory tower of sheer genius so who am I to criticize.

Bill Romanowski gives us a little TMI: Making the rounds on interviews former Linebacker, thug, and all around bad guy admitted that he was so obsessed with his playing weight that he would actually weigh his own feces daily. And I thought no one wanted to shake his hand because they thought he was an asshole.

Proof this has been the winter from hell: This year the Philly region where we live has had 70 inches of snow and counting. Compare that to the average snowfall of some other snowy locales:
Toronto 52 inches
Fargo, Noth Dakota 38 inches
Minneapolis 50 inches
Chicago 43 inches

New Jersey folds on Gay Marriage: Anyone hoping for gay marriage in the Garden State may have to wait a few years after the State Senate refused to take up a gay marriage law since their still afraid of the Catholic Church..urr..I mean we already have Civil Unions. Of course gay marriage advocates could always slip Senators some cash in unmarked envelopes Tony Soprano style then pretty much anything will fly in this state.
Also for anyone keeping track -
States that allow gay marriage = 5
States allow marriage among first cousins = 24

Utah considering cancelling 12th Grade: In an effort to save money Utah legislators in a race with Texas to create the dumbest state in the country have proposed cancelling off the Senior year of high school. Offical reason probably sounded like this "Dem kids dont need no edumacation, and all dat readin and riting and shit. Cause last we thing we need dem folks goin off and thinkin'.

Healthcare Reform goes from 'Yes We Can' to 'Well maybe not': The phrase 'Money Talks, and Bullshit Walks' took on new meaning thanks to a $3 Billion dollar lobbying effort by the Health Insurance industry who managed to derail HCR even though majority of Americans say we need it. Not that it was hard seeing as most Senators and Congresspeople have spines made of jello and aided by special interest cash to prevent them from having any courage or conviction to handle this country's enormous problems. Biggest mistake the Obama admin made was leaving it to 100 wealthy Senators who have lifetime guaranteed health insurance to try to solve healthcare for the rest of us common folk.

Obama one year later - Plenty of Hope but lacking audacity: If I'm Obama right now watching my approval sink under 50% as my agenda stalls in an incompetant Congress. Ask yourself this question: WWLBJD as in What Would Lyndon B. Johnson Do? To bring about this 'change' you spoke of during the election means going up against very powerful, very rich, entrenched corporate interests hellbent on keeping the status quo. So who better to provide guidance than our 36th President LBJ.

To be sure Johnson was not exactly Mr.Warmth and there is that small issue of Vietnam but no one in recent history knew how to wield Presidential power more effectively to get things done than my boy. He single-handedly managed to pass two of the important pieces of legislation in latter half of the 20th Century, The Civil Rights Act and the Medicare/Medicaid Act. Plus, Johnson accomplished this not by being all 'Hope and Change' but by privately humiliating people, publically kneecapping wayward Congressmen, or if all else failed completely steamroll people who got in the way. That sir is called audacity

FUN BONUS LBJ FACT: During the '64 election when Johnson pulled over to pee on the side of the road, he got so annoyed by the Secret Service who surrounded him just 2 feet away that he started urinating on one of the agents. When one of them complained 'Mr.President you're peeing on me', Johnson replied 'I know, it's my perogative'.

THE 2009 ROSSY AWARDS!!!!!

2009-12-21T14:02:00.000-08:00

About a decade and a half ago I created these awards for my fraternity to honor the best of our drunken, disorderly, and dumb moments. Boy has this taken a life of it's own since leaving college. Ladies and gents time to hand out this year's Rossy's:

The Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity – A mugger managed to pick the absolute wrong place, person, and time to try an armed robbery. The place was the Harrisburg PA Convention Center men’s restroom, the person was an an off-duty cop and the time was a weapons expo for SWAT Team and Undercover Police from around the country. Although the mugger managed to get the wallet, the getaway path meant getting through 300+ cops. Needless to say said robbery attempt did not end well.

The 'Fly the Friendly Skies' Award – Over 30 passengers on a flight from Havana,Cuba to London were arrested for drunken disorderly conduct after turning the cross-Atlantic trip into the party of the year. Among the facebook picture worthy highlights included a drunken female trying to open the Main door of the airplane at 30,000 feet, beverage cart racing in the aisles, and practicing for emergency landing with no clothes.

Home Depot Do-It-Yourself Award – Sheriff’s deputies in Iowa discovered an interesting front porch addition to an abandoned house consisting of a stuffed deer carcass posed as it we're waving....that had been dressed up as a circus clown....complete with clown makeup. Actual quote from the Sheriff’s office “We don’t know who put it there or how it got there, and frankly we really don’t want to know’.

The Happy Hour lasted an hour too long award – In Japan, Finance Minister Shoichi Nakagawa before appearing in a televised press conference about the impact of the global financial crisis, found the best way to alleviate his Nation’s anxiety…by getting so hammered he nearly puked midway through event while slurring most of his answers. Based on Nakagawa's observations, Wall Street analysts advised clients to drink a six pack of Schlitz beer before opening their investment statements.

The best moment you didn’t see on Antiques Road Show – An elderly woman who bought an antique vase from a Goodwill Store in Ohio found an added bonus tucked away inside in the form of marijuana with a street value of $1,500. In possibly related news, tabloids are reporting Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson had become avid antique vase collectors.

The best video you didn’t see on YouTube – Formula 1 racing President and formerly respected Euro businessman Max Mosely may have provided the sex scandals to end all sex scandals which BBC News described using these phrases in the same sentence: video tape, S&M dungeons, dominatrixes wearing Nazi uniforms, Halocaust reenactment orgy, and strap-on dildos.

The best political moment you didn’t see on Meet the Press – While campaigning as a candidate for Georgia Governor, Neal Horsely managed to short circuit his political career in the span of about 30 seconds, when he revealed in a radio interview that his first sexual experience was with a mule on the family farm. Political pundits of all stripes agree that the old joke about Georgia ‘where men are men, and the sheep are scared’ probably needed amending.

The Best Riot (not involving European Soccer Fans) – Normally the idea of a family feud invoked the classic 70's game show whereby wholesome families engaged in friendly competition guessing survey responses while host Richard Dawson hit on the hot wives on the show. But two neighboring clans in the rural Northeast corner of Alabama decided to play the feud old school style involving 180 people fighting with 2x4’s, lead pipes, chains, and pet rattlesnakes. Forcing a large portion of the Alabama State Police to intervene presumably without the charm of Richard Dawson and prizes involving an eyeful of tear gas.

Best Fight (Drinking and/or Cocaine Use Category) – Vince Schlomi (aka ‘The ShamWow Guy’) had his meteoric rise in the ‘As seen on TV’ commercial circuit derailed after being arrested for a fistfight with a hooker at a Miami hotel while celebrating New Year’s. Evidently the fight started when Schlomi became slightly annoyed after said hooker tried to rip out his tongue with her teeth. The district attorney won’t comment if Schlomi offered to throw in a set of free ShamWow towels when he negotiated price for the hooker's services.

Best Fight (Non-Drinking Category) – Guns N’ Roses lead singer Axl Rose did his best Sean Penn impersonation by getting into fistacuffs with paparazzi at LAX airport in Los Angeles. According to eyewitnesses Rose became enraged after one of the photogs asked for their money back after buying GNR's new album ‘Chinese Democracy’.

The Eliot Spitzer Award for Best Use of a Prostitute – Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlesconi was embarrassed when pictures surfaced of him and very young nude women partying at his villa on the island of Sardinia who depending which story you believe we’re either a) local escorts or b) nude models interested in Silvio’s views on foreign policy. Silvio nonetheless proved to be a master politician by turning the tables and chastising the media for the audacity of suggesting that a handsome, charming gentleman like himself actually had to pay for sex when clearly no woman could resist him (Yep, he actually said that). When asked for reaction Bill Clinton replied ‘damn he’s good’.

The Bernie Madoff (formerly Enron) Award - A lot of people will fib a little on tax returns to get a little extra in tax refunds but devious mastermind Marlon Moore took it to a whole new level. On his 2008 tax return Moore tried to list his tax refund due as $15 Trillion dollars...yes that's Trillion with a capital 'T'. This stroke of criminal genius worthy of Lex Luthor was tripped up by one small overlooked detail: The US Gov't on average 'only' takes in $2 Trillion in tax revenues, so theoretically Moore should been able to bankroll the entire country. While Federal judge complimented his ambition all Moore got for his troubles was 2 years in prison and the Price is Right loser song...'Bum bum bum bum bum.......ahhhhhhh'

The Bobby Knight Anger Management Award – Two cops in Aurora, CO we’re suspended after they pulled their loaded guns on the cashier of a McDonald’s drive-through to make a point about hurrying their lunch order after becoming furious with the delay. No word, if said officers ever had any similar history of losing their temper, particularly after McDonald's stopped selling the McRib sandwich. No word if this tactic could be considered useful for putting the ‘Jiffy’ in getting a Jiffy express oil change.

The Best ‘DOWT!’ Moment of 2009 – Before a routine public hearing in the California State Legislature, Assemblyman Michael Duvall was making small talk by bragging about a sexual threesome encounter he had over the Weekend. The funny part of the story was his microphone was turned on allowing the entire conversation to heard by everyone in the room including news media. Besides getting in trouble with Mrs.Duvall, he now faces ethics investigation because the two participants of said menage-a-trois we're actually lobbyists for a utility company, and Duvall's primary responsibility at that public hearing dealt with....wait for it....not yet.....regulating utility companies.

The Honorary Ashton Kutcher Punk’d Award – In Cardiff, Wales official city coroner John Phillips reportedly was considered a really fun guy who never let the fact that he worked in a morgue stop the good times.

According to testimony in his misconduct trial, Phillips allegedly loved practical jokes, such as posing bodies as staff members, replacing people’s lunch with internal organs or hiding under sheets to scare unknowing colleagues. Sadly the hijinks came to an end when Phillips and his staff were observed having a water balloon fight in the morgue while family members came to identify a body. He was able to keep his job though his future career move as the next Buddy Hackett will have to wait.

Rossy Award Hall of Fame inductee for 2009 – A man in Cairns, Australia was arrested for repeatedly breaking into local sex shops to have intimate relations with expensive blow-up dolls then putting them back in the box. Allegedly these crimes of passion came to the attention of shop proprietors after several customers complained of 'used' merchandise.

Once police we’re able to stop laughing long enough, they caught the 'gangster of inflatable love' by reviewing surveillance tapes and performing DNA testing. Criminologists debated whether the most disturbing aspect of the case were really the spurned customers who had no shame to actually return the dolls.

Tiger Woods, Racist Gnomes, and the Lifetime Movie script generator

2009-12-07T16:18:00.000-08:00

Germany bans Racist Gnomes – A souvenir gift company has been forced by the German gov’t to stop selling yard gnomes that have the cute feature of doing a facist Nazi salute. Guess it’s worth noting the ‘Travelocity Roaming Gnome’ still has yet to feature Israel in the advertisements. I never trusted those little bastards.

Jon Gosselin appearance fee – Since this is the saga that will never end, news leaked that Jon Gosselin charges upwards of $10,000 for personal appearance fees. I wonder if there’s a chance if I break open my 401K that I can pay him for a disappearance fee to just go away?

Prop 8 Defense FAIL – Lawyers defending the California ban on gay marriages known as Prop 8 in Federal Appeals Court based their argument that gay marriage would erode traditional society. When pressed by the Appeals judge to provide specific evidence or actual proof, the defense could not provide any examples. So essentially the argument that gay marriage will destroy society looks like this:
Step 1 – Allow Gay Marriage
Step 2 - ?
Step 3 - ?
Step 4 – Society goes to hell in a handbasket

Album Release FAIL - I'm not a music industry expert, but I'm guessing releasing the new album from Chris Brown tentatively titled 'What an a**hole' so soon after being convicted of assaulting former girlfriend Rihanna may not be a good call. The only way Brown's career goes any further in the toilet is if a video comes out of him making fun of the Special Olympics or kicking a puppy. At this point you might want to wait until that dark cloud has cleared, like sometime between eternity and never.

Finally, an opponent Tiger Woods can’t beat – Apparently one sandtrap Tiger Woods can’t play his way out of is getting caught cheating by a golf club wielding wife and being making a clean getaway in a Cadillac Escalade. This episode helped usher the end of journalism with respected outlets from the mainstream media having to cite gossip trash site tmz.com as a source. Though, ESPN SportsCenter kept it in proper perspective by analyzing whether Wood's wife should have used the driver instead of the three-iron when whacking Tiger.

NFL Red Zone Channel = Gambler’s Dream – The Red Zone Channel from the NFL Network which shows live games where a team is about to score a touchdown is the most watched pay channel on cable TV for the Fall during Sundays. Undoubtedly aided by the gamblers with money on the games along with the bookies who will be coming to collect said money from said gambler.

A quick note on celebrity sex tapes - If said tape is of a celebrity whose main claim to fame is reality TV, than it's not a celebrity sex tape but rather just porn. Thank You.

The latest Barack Obama conpsiracy theory - Right wing blogger sites and at least one GOP congressman are claiming Obama's speech about Afghanistan was a deliberate attempt to destroy Christmas. Because the prime time speech pre-empted the Peanuts Charlie Brown Christmas Special.

Dick Cheney can shut up anytime now - Watching old man Cheney criticize Obama for 'dithering' about handling Iraq and Afghanistan is sort like an arsonist criticizing how the Fire Department put out the fires he started. Plus, we all would have appreciated if Lil Bush had 'dithered' about whether it was good idea to invade Iraq in the first place.

Nicholas Cage is apparently broke - Remember when Nic Cage was considered an trailblazing, avant garde actor who was going to torch the screen with intense performances that promised to usher in an era of exciting, ground-breaking, independent cinema? Neither do I.

Italians object to new MTV Show - The latest MTV faux reality show The Jersey Shore with the tagline 'detailing the life of rich Jersey guidos!' (they're term not mine) is the low rent East Coast alternative to The Hills which validates our decision not to visit the Jersey Shore anywhere north of Point Pleasant. Essentially the show "documents" the adventures of a group of Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, Italian males whose main goal in life appears to be getting drunk and having sex without the hassle and burden of holding a job or going to college while at their parent's shorehouse.

This has several Italian organizations up in arms saying it unfairly depicts stereotypes of Italians. In defense of the show, it's not saying all Italians are 'Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, guidos'. But rather that 'Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, guidos' who some reason all seem to congregate in the North Jersey coastal towns just happen to be Italian.

Sarah Palin goes rogue......on reality - Within days of the release of Sarah Palin's 400 page exercise in axe grinding disguised as a autobiography, the Associated Press managed to point out at least 30 instances in the book that we're certified as untrue by a powerful analytic device known as objective reality.

Money quote: 'Palin was never one to let little things like facts or reality get in the way of a good bout of paranoia' Roy Sekoff, political editor of Huffington Post

Lifetime Movie Script Generator – Having been unable to ban the Lifetime Movie Channel from my house, I asked the question of how they produce so many movies of such…uhh…quality. I think I figured out the formula.

Part 1: A Woman (insert any B-list, washed up TV actress) who can be typecast as (choose among Student/Single Mother/Jilted Wife/Emotionally Needy Daughter/Tori Spelling/some combo of all of the above)

Part 2: Falls in love with a Man who on the surface appears to be (insert Handsome/Rich/Nice Guy/Perfect Stepdad/Regular Joe/Prince Charming/Rob Lowe)

Part 3: and after a brief, contrived, mostly unbelievable courtship, woman falls in love (insert generic, clique 'dating' scenes featuring actors pretending to enjoy each other's company). If low on budget insert stock footage from Hallmark card, dating site, or jewelry commercial.

Part 4: However man gradually reveals himself to be a (choose from Psycho/Serial Killer/Already Married/Abusive/Escaped Con/Cross-Dresser/Running from Mob(and/or Law)/Rob Lowe)

Part 5: which leads to the main plot where woman must resolve dilemma by (choose Run From/Hide From/Turn into Police/Kill/show Rob Lowe tape of his acting) the Man in order return to a normal life of presumably talking somebody’s ear off.

The Real Meaning behind New Jersey Election since the 'political pundits' get it wrong...AGAIN

2009-11-05T16:32:00.000-08:00

Undoubtedly if you listen to all the 'Political Pundits' who apparently know everything this week, you'll have the impression that the NJ gubernatorial election was this big referendum on the Obama presidency and healthcare reform. Given all of the blovating and hyperventilating from the DC correspondants that because NJ and Virginia we're won by the GOP, one could assume that conventional wisdom signals doom and gloom for Obama'a agenda.

So allow me to do David Gregory's job for a moment and lay out the real deal:
Obama won the state in 2008 by 57% and guess where his approval rating currently stands at: 57% (Gallup Polling)

Huh, so clearly not about Obama so here are the top 5 reasons Corzine the incumbent Democrat lost:
1. The state has been perpetually broke since 2004, and every year around summertime, the State legislature does this Kabuki dance around 'Ahh, we have no money, what shall we do?' Corzine's response: 'Oh lets raise income and sales taxes and raise fees on everything from driver's licenses to home phone use, but just this once.

So the state was like your deadbeat cousin who always borrowed money and never paid it back. Every time the same, 'Oh it will be the last time I promise' line.

2. New Jersey is possibly the most corrupt state in the country behind Louisiana, where here 'pay to play' is actually still LEGAL. In most states you go to prison for it. Thus the annual budget woes stems from money disappearing down questionable black holes littered around state gov't without any accountability or transparency. Corzine response to reform consisted of two parts: Jack and Squat, much to the delight of Tony Soprano types in North Jersey.

3. Corzine ran radio ads making fun of his opponent's weight which even by Jersey standards was considered a low blow.

4. Before his illustrious career in politics, Corzine was CEO of Goldman-Sachs which was one of the Wall Street architects of the sub-prime mortgage calamity that has hit Jersey hard. So combine increasing property taxes with decreasing home values and foreclosures and you have the perfect storm of taxpayer anger.

Didn't help Corzine's response was one of the dumbest moves in state political history. He cancelled the Property Tax Rebate that many lower and middle income families came to rely on, so he could balance the budget.....again. And when did rebates normally get paid out? In October, two weeks before election day. Forest Gump could tell you that was along the highest order of stupidity.

5. Corzine was flat out a lousy governor. Period.

I wish Governor Elect Christie the best of luck, though realistically we're probably swapping out one corrupt bastard for another. Though because New Jersey is actually a decent state to live in despite it's poitical leaders, I'll hold out hope. That and moving to Delaware or Pennsylvania is always an option.

How 'The Brady Bunch' explains the 2009 World Series

2009-10-27T17:20:00.000-07:00

If anyone wants to see what the World’s largest inferiority complex looks like when unleashed, tune into the World Series when Philly hosts the Yankees. If you thought Philly fans booing Santa Claus was bad, just wait until A-Rod gets introduced to the Phils faithful. That’s because the relationship between New York and Philadelphia is a volatile, complex, highly psychological one that can best be described through everyone’s favorite 70’s sitcom ‘The Brady Bunch’.

Think of New York as Marcia Brady, the popular oldest sister who everyone loves, succeeds at everything she does, and is quite possibly the most important person in her high school, if not the World. Think of Philadelphia as Jan Brady, the oft-forgotten middle sister, who is barely noticed and whatever she does will always get upstaged by Marcia. You have to feel bad for Philly, the way we always felt bad for Jan. Despite having World-Class history, culture, museums, universities, and restaurants, Philly always..always..plays second fiddle to New York’s glamour, excitement, and bustle. If you want proof, just ask 10 people you know if they could take an all-expenses trip to either New York or Philly, which one would they choose? You’ll get the idea.

So here we are getting ready to start the World Series, as the Phillies are the defending champs with a team that may even be better than last year. But alas, what does the Nat’l Sports Media obsess and drool over….the Yankees. They’re more interested in the jock strap Derek Jeter will wear, than who the Phillies will have in their starting rotation. The Phillies playoff games we’re moved to afternoons, so the Yankees could occupy Prime time. To listen to Philly sports fans complain about this smacks of: “why is it always about Marcia….Marcia, Marcia,Marcia!”

Thus the 2009 World Series is not merely a baseball contest between two cities that are a mere 70 miles apart, but rather a chance for the urban equivalent of Jan Brady to finally stick it to Marcia and erase nearly 200 years of second city syndrome. Because like any complex sibling relationship, the younger sibling became defined by the older, often through sports competition. So as New York teams won championship after championship, Philly fans we’re usually left to stew in sports mediocrity, perfectly defined by the Andy Reid era Eagles. A team good enough to make the Super Bowl, but not quite good enough to win...like the say the New York Giants two years ago.

The sad irony, is even if the Phillies do win, most people in New York won’t care because…well they’re New York..because they’re important with being home to the World’s financial markets and epicenter of all things important to planet Earth. If you don’t believe me just ask a native New Yorker, they’ll gladly tell you.

Prediction: Phillies in 7, and ESPN will still focus on which Hollywood starlet Johnny Damon is boinking at the moment.

Another Early Comedy Writing Sample

2009-10-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

This could be considered another gem I pulled out of my early 'portfolio' or it could be considered more 'early blog fail'. A unique film review of 'Passion of the Christ':

"Overall, truly the feelgood film of the year. Not as many dance numbers as I would have liked, but the chereography was spectacular! And of coursedon't miss the hilarious outtakes at the end!"

This review brought to you by a 32oz of Coke, andcouple of 4oz bottles of Jack Daniel's and healthyfear of the guy sitting next to me wearing the "Gunsdon't kill people, I Kill People" trucker hat.

An Early, Feeble Attempt at Comedy Writing

2009-10-15T18:08:00.000-07:00

This may be the very first attempt at comedy writing for an audience, when I wrote this roast of a friend's wedding about 7 years ago so I apologize if it's sucks. I sort of skewered (good naturedly) his wedding. Some references may be dated, but interesting watching the progression:

THE CEREMONY (where a televangelist gave a rather 'interesting' sermon):

“The wedding was beautiful and everybody looked great, but I think the preacher may have been a bit much. I mean lighten up there fella…it’s just wedding”
Sincerely Pat Robertson and Religious Right

“We totally agree with the preacher about everything he said, especially the part where he said ‘til death do us part’”
Regards, OJ Simpson and Scott Peterson

“That was definitely one of the best weddings I’ve been to. Believe me I know, I’ve done several myself”
Best of Luck, Jennifer Lopez

THE RECEPTION (where we did not exactly endear ourselves to the bride, after our little joke involving nature photos with the disposable cameras):

“The course was looked good, the food was good. My drinking hand was a little rusty on the first few beers, but once I got into the flow, the back nine went down easy. And with the shots I found my short game went easier”
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

“Wow! Golf Course?, Wedding?, Beer? Sometimes for me that can be a bad situation”
Sincerely, Golf Carts

“I figure it might have been tough get by on one keg, but usually that’s all we need to get us through the workday”
Sincerely, Philadelphia Int’l Airport Baggage Handlers

“We love what you did with the disposable cameras in the bathroom. Can we see those sometime?”
Regards, Internet Porn

“You guys had ass play in the bathroom? Sounds like my kind of wedding!"
Sincerely, George Micheal

“What you call cornholing, is what I call Saturday Night”
Sincerely, Bubba (inmate # 582247 at Newark New Jersey Correctional Facility)

“Taking pictures of your willy with those disposable cameras was childish and immature”Sincerely,Tom Green

THE HOTEL (where we may have had the World's slowest bartender in some retro 70's style lounge that never got updated):

“Hanging out at the hotel was cool and all, but what was with that manager telling people to take off their hats. We go to bars all the time with hats. She made>us feel like we were common trailer trash” Sincerely, The average West Virginia resident

“What was up with the bartender being so slow? We're patient people but come on….fifteen minutes for a drink?’
Yours Truly, Glaciers

“We find slow bartenders to be REALLY annoying!”
Sincerely, Telemarketers

“Got a slow bartender? Usually putting on a ski mask and a shotgun gets em moving pretty fast from our experience”
Sincerely, Armed Robbers

Unfortunate Acronyms

2009-10-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

From people who have a little too much time on their hands: http://www.unfortunateacronyms.com/

Some of my faves which allow me to indulge my inner adolescent:
Tokyo Institute of Technology (TITS)
Wisconsin Tourism Federation (WTF)
Breakthrough Urban Ministries (BUM)
Federal Coordinating Council for Comparative Effectiveness Research (FCCCER)
Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF)
South Lake Union Trolley (SLUT)
Iowa Dept. on Aging (DOA)
Biologically Appropriate Raw Food (BARF)
Phoenix Island Settlement Scheme (PISS)

Ann Curry interview with Hillary Clinton = FAIL

2009-10-12T16:42:00.000-07:00

On the Today Show, Ann Curry showed why she won't ever be confused with Christiane Amanpour (or any other credible journalist for the matter) after bombing the interview with Sec. of State Hillary Clinton. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33276688/from/RSS/

Think about all the things going on the World and the best Ann comes up with is "Do you feel you are marginalized?"

This as Sec.Clinton speaks before the Nothern Ireland Parliament about Protestants and Catholics trusting each other enough to have an independent justice system after decades of sectarian violence.

Being the lead point person on North Korea, Restarting Mideast Peace talks, Iran, Global Trade, Climate Change, Improving relations with Latin America, Dealing with Cuba, Poverty in Africa does not exactly constitute being 'marginalized'. A talking barbie doll could have done a better interview.

Dave Letterman, The Kardashians, and a WTF moment for the ages

2009-10-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

Obligatory Cute Kid Photo -

David Letterman blackmail-adultery scandal - While everyone debates Letterman's future after going public with an affair to avoid a blackmail scheme, my blogging hero Gregg Easterbrook asks a more serious question: 'What on Earth happened to the art of extortion'? It used to be when guys named 'Lefty' blackmailed you it was pay up or else have your kneecaps broken. Nowadays guys named 'Lefty' want a publishing and development deal or else....or else what?

Pittsburgh hosts the G20 summit - The question on everyone's minds was why Pittsburgh? My theory was that the Obama Admin. wanted to show the rest of the World the severity of the global recession. So he wanted to find a place so bleak, depressing, and devoid of all hope as to demonstrate the urgency for finding a solution. So hence you have Pittsburgh, or as actress Sienna Miller calls it 'Sh**sburgh'.

One way to court the female vote - We all have some embarrassing past photos we wish to burn but for Scott Brown, the Republican candidate for US Senate from Massachusetts, it may prove a little more difficult. Recently surfaced was the 1982 issue of Cosmopolitan where he posed nude in the centerfold wearing a smile and nothing else. Political pundits from both sides definitely agree Brown was sporting his own 'stimulus package' during that now infamous photoshoot.

Please E! Network not another Kardashian show - I will accept one Kardashian show under protest (the one with the fat ass and a sex tape), however I must vehemently object to any spin-off series involving any other member of that family (the one with the dead behind the eyes look).

NFL prevents Delaware from legalizing football betting - Can someone tell me why betting on sports is illegal, but investing in Wall Street which essentially is betting on companies is legit?

Not exactly the 'A-Team' - Evidence for a drug and weapons trafficking case in Florida may get dismissed after a surveillance video appeared of a Tampa SWAT team playing 'Guitar Hero' on a suspect's Wii playstation and watching the suspect's porn collection after raiding a house with enough guns to supply a small Latin American army.

People who are nuts: entertaining when at parties, disconcerting when World leaders - Libyan President Muammar Gaddafi whose wardrobe choice makes it looks like he raided Elton John's closet gave a 90 minute, rambling, mostly incoherent speech at the General Assembly of the United Nations. Normally that type of behavior in New York City would earn an all expenses paid trip to the Psychiatric ward of Bellevue Hospital.

Jon Gosselin wants a '9 to 5' job - Hey Jon, please feel free to get one so the rest of us spared every painful, tiny, microscopic detail of your divorce to the lead singer of Flock of Seagulls..urr...Kate Gosselin. Because we just love watching two grown-ups settle their problems using the tabloid media like mature adults.

Not sure if the Duggars have heard of overpopulation as a global problem - Michelle Duggar of 18 Kids and Counting is due to give birth with her 19th child, or 20th, or whatever. From Huffington Post: "Will someone tell her that a vagina should not double as a clown car".

Television as an artform may never be the same - Sadly, the reality series Megan Wants a Millionaire about a shallow gold-digger's quest to marry a millionaire out of 12 presumably douchy contestants came to an abrupt ending. In turns out one of the finalists had a slight legal problem....in the form of being arrested for killing his wife. Not sure why that would be a problem.

Why the Cincinnati Bengals usually don't win - Bengals' third string quarterback and professional bench warmer Jordan Palmer along with some other teammates started a iPhone app called 'runpee' at www.runpee.com that provides the exact time to run to bathroom during movies and still not miss anything relevant. I'm sure Bengal fans are so appreciative for all the dedication to this effort as opposed to say learning a playbook or practicing on not sucking. Coincidentally for Bengals games the best time to pee is when Jordan Palmer is in the game because nothing good will happen.

Perhaps the Chinese version is better - The movie Boogie Nights about a 70's porn star which gave Mark Wahlberg acting cred along with making his appendage a 'star' is set to be released on DVD in China. The actual translation for the movie in Chinese: "His Great Device Makes Him Famous".

Great Moments in Unintended Hilarity - The Wisconsin Tourism Federation was forced to change its logo after adopting 'WTF' as it's acronym on all press releases and brochures. For the texting/IM/e-mail impaired 'WTF' is abbreviation for 'What the F***'? which is probably what officials at WTF headquarters we're asking themselves when deluged with prank calls from teenagers asking them that exact same question.

Public Relations 101, New Jersey Corruption, and the Math Teacher from Hell (literally) 8/12/2009

2009-08-26T17:04:00.000-07:00

How not to handle Public Relations - Let's say you're the Valley Pool Club a snooty, elitist aquatic club outside Philly who has a history of anti-semitism when selecting new members. And one day you abrubtly cancel a inner-city youth day camp trip to your club because one of you're members complained about "All those little black kids in the pool".

Now when the local news media comes to inquire about why, don't send out a press release with this response: "We decided not to allow them back because we wanted preserve the complexion and atmosphere of the club". At that point you might as well change the club's name to Club KKK.

Supreme Court deals blow to show 'Cops' - The US Supreme Court ruled that cops cannot search a glove compartment inside a car just on probable cause alone. They actually have to follow the US Constitution and get driver's consent or get a warrant. So no more hilarity when the mulleted redneck in the wife beater t-shirt says "I ain't got no drugs" and they search the car and find enough Crystal Meth to fuel a Toby Keith conert. But on the bright side cops still get to carry taser guns!

Signs you may have a gambling problem - Recently it was discovered that in legal New Jersey sports betting venues in Atlantic City, you could actually bet on which 13 year-old would win the National Spelling Bee. No word on how many gamblers we're asked to be more specific when placing a bet on "The Asian Kid".

Hot new feud: Barbara Walters vs. Bruno - Proving vapidity on the The View isn't just limited to Elizabeth Hasslebeck, Barbara Walters (or those of the WASP New England background: BaHBaHa WaHters) chastised the movie "Bruno" as being elitist for reportedly making fun of ordinary people by exposing their homophobia. We could take her seriously or we could conclude she's an self-important, whiny, out-of-touch, humorless gas bag.

Hot new Feud: Sarah Palin vs. A Coherent Thought Process - Now ex-governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin quit her job though she's not quitting and not being Governor will allow her to do more for Alaska. Ok, that makes sense..uhh..wait..nope..huh..WHAT?

Don't Cry for Him Argentina - Politicians must clamoring for the good old days when they could fly off to Argentina for five days to have an extramarital affair in obscurity while reportedly on official State business. Unfortunetly for Gov.Mark Sanford of South Carolina, those pesky little people called 'taxpayers' get all snippy when their governor isn't doing his job. Then the media have the nerve to ambush him at the airport returning home from the affair and don't even give enough time to grab the wife as a prop for the "I made a mistake" groveling speech.

New Jersey Corruption Bust - Feds recently arrested 44 and counting politicians around the State for various corruption practices. If they arrest all 120 members of the State Legislature along with anyone associated with our Governor we may very well have something resembling an actual, functioning State government.

"Wow, I can't believe it's not plastic' - According to recently released research, margerine "the pretend butter" is only one molecule different from plastic. If you like margerine on your toast perhaps you'll like eating the plastic bag the bread comes in too.

Anyone watch Amy Adam's career take off - and think that was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan's career?

Anyone watch Rachel McAdam's career take off - and think that was supposed to be Neve Campbell's career?

Newest Right-Wing complaint about Obama: He's ruining married men's "game" - On Fox News, they whined about Barack taking Michelle on dates because it placed an unfair expectation on married men to actually have to take their wives to a romantic dinner. Yep, they actually said that and conservatives wonder why they're rapidly losing credibility.

Given the slew of sex scandals involving right-wing politicians lately, I guess that means for them the burden involves taking a woman to a romantic dinner who actually is their wife. Or in the case Sen.Lindsay Graham taking someone to a romantic dinner who is actually of the opposite sex (allegedly).

An invention we really don't need - Coors Light introduced it's scientific breakthrough that will be sure revolutionize how human beings live and work from here on ...a beer can that turns blue when cold. Whoa, that's some heady stuff! Uh, not really. Thanks to 6,000 years of human evolution, I've found that the sense of touch can help me decipher instantly if a beer is cold enough. And if the beer isn't cold enough, the following formula usually solves the problem: Case of beer + Ice x 30 minutes = WIN.

If you thought you had the Math Teacher from Hell - I'll always have the phobia of scientific calculators thanks to my horrific high school Trig teacher, but she'll have nothing on Khang Khek Ieu aka 'Comrade Cenh". A retired math teacher from Cambodia, Cenh is described as having a mean streak which according to an Cambodian Genocide Tribunal, served him well in running the infamous Tuol Slang prison during the Khmer Rouge reign of terror of that country from 1975 to 1979.

Evidently the place made Auchowitz look like a Caribbean resort. Of the 17,000 political prisoners who entered Cenh's facility, only 12 are known to have survived. Cenh's is also charged with developing an efficient way of exterminating 2.4 million people by creating the infamous "Killing Fields" where mass executions routinely took place. But in fairness, I'll assume not all math teachers are genocidal maniacs.

My New Rules (since Bill Maher on hiatus) - 7/10/2009

2009-08-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

In honor of Bill Maher, one of my heroes. It's moy own version of 'New Rules' for 2009

New Rule 1: Restrictions on the phrase 'Cause That's How I Roll' - White, middle-class surbanites who invoke this phrase must use with an obvious sense of irony denoting a subtle self-deprevation about one's sense of style. Otherwise will be denoted as a massive fail at attempting to sound hip.

Exempted from the rule:
Pro Athletes
Rappers with a minimum of 3 hit singles
Bill Gates
Anyone who can actually afford a bottle of Cristal Champagne

Also applies to "There ain't no shame to my game"

New Rule 2: Jenny McCarthy needs to shut her pie hole - My heart will always go out to families struggling with children who have autism. But for Jenny McCarthy to imply parents skip childhood vaccinations because results from junk science show they cause autism. Thereby raising the risk for remergence of deadly diseases is wreckless and irresponsible. McCarthy is famous for showing her crotch in Playboy, not having a doctorate in Neuro science.

New Rule 3: Teachers must stop being the scapegoat for failing schools - We don't so much have a teaching problem as we do a parenting problem. Like the old phrase "You can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink". You can have best schools in the world but if the kids aren't motivated because of vapid parents at home it won't matter. Also educators are free to say "Well, the world will always need ditch diggers" when explaining perfomace of lazy kids to their lazy parents.

New Rule 4: Celebrities must be nominally interesting to have a Twitter account - Seeing as how twitter now has a higher purpose in helping contribute to a revolution in Iran, it's time clear up bandwidth. Therefore, no more Ashton Kuchter telling us about his latest bowel movement or whatever garbage comes out of Paris Hilton's mouth. Instead all meaningless and ego-centric posts will be rerouted to the site whogivesashit.com

New Rule 5: Ignorant American teenagers cannot make fun of Asian-Indians - Here in New Jersey there's a joke that the welcome package for Asian-Indian immigrants includes running a gas station or Dunkin Donuts. But most people admire them for their hard work ethic and truly following an American dream. Though some dumb teens think's it's amusing to taunt them, but what they don't realize is in about 5 years they will be calling these immigrants something else....BOSS.

New Rule 6: Jon Gosselin is offically a douchebag - Not that I don't sympathize with all the henpecking and badgering he had to endure from Kate on their show 'Jon&Kate plus 8'. But a real man does not go out have an affair with a 22 year old skank and more or less abandon 8 kids because the mom happens to be a modern day Succubus.

At least have the cojones to confront Kate about her behavior and suggest counseling....or an exorcism. But don't act like a classless jerk-off when you finally decide you've had enough, because when you're a father, it's not just about you anymore.

New Rule 7: There is now a 100% tax imposed on stupid rich people - Recently deceased Leona Helmsley, hotel empire hieress and all around friend to the 'little people' graciously willed $6 million....to her cat. I'm not about class warfare, but sometimes luxury reaches an obscene heights, like an unnamed Wall Street CEO who spent $250,000 for an diamond encrusted iPhone. Rich people who cannot spend money wisely are not entitled to any of it.

New Rule 8: Celebrities who are less than a B-grade are no longer entitlted to their own reality shows - To all the Tori Spellings and MC Hammers out there who think having TV cameras follow them will revive careers it won't. It just helps us normal people feel better about oursleves because at least we're not Tori Spelling or MC Hammer. So we will use this process to weed out all proposals for a reality show: a game a Russian Roulette where six pseudo celebrities come in but only the last one alive gets the show.

New Rule 9: George Bush must have his 'Frost/Nixon' moment - If the 43rd President of the US wants to re-enter polite society and have any trace of respectibility he must sit down for a real interview and face all the hard questions he ducked for 8 years. Plus like Richard Nixon 30 years before him, be forced to give honest answers to those hard questions.

Here's some examples:
So in your view, was Saddam Huessein's biggest crime that he controlled the world's largest oil reserve but had the gaul to not give it to your cronies in the Oil and Gas companies?

Is there any policy decision you made that was not on behalf of corporate or special interest groups?

When you took a week to bother doing anything about New Orleans after Katrina, was it because most of it's residents we're poor and black, and therefore not politically important to you?

New Rule 10: White House Press Corps are now officially worthless - Within the DC chattering, punditry class there has been a lot of discontent because Pres. Obama had the nerve to answer a question from blogger instead of a 'real' journalist. But consider this, of all the Presidential scandals of the last 50 years, not one was originally broken by a 'real' White House journalist. No wonder Nixon referred to these people as 'useful idiots'.

During this time these 'real' journalists we're more interested in making the rounds of the DC cocktail and hovre d'ors circuit than actually doing any real investigative reporting. That's why I propose these 'real' journalists be demoted to title of 'stenographer' or 'glorified note-taker'. While giving the title of 'real journalist' to all those bloggers and reporters who actually are interested in watching over those in Washington who hold the reign of power.

North Korea, Manscaping, and ripping John Mayer a new one - 6/10/2009

2009-08-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

Photo Caption - 'Hey Keira, when you start walking on your own, Mom and Dad are so screwed!'

Signs the 'Tom Selleck Look' won't be coming back anytime soon - New from Gilette, the 'Man Body Groomer' which will revolutionize manscaping as we know it. Possibly the best part is their marketing slogan (i'm not kidding) "Trims the bushes to make the Tree look bigger!"

Jessica Biel says beautiful people have it tough - In an interview from Allure magazine, Ms.Biel frets that beauty is a burden because it's prevents her from being taken seriously as an actress. In her defense, I can relate since I'm sure I've lost out on good market research jobs due to my stunning body, movie-star good looks, and overall killer sex appeal.

Mariah Carey says 9/11 ruined movie career - Providing a living example to college Pysch majors everywhere of cognitive dissonance. Carey said the movie Glitter widely regarded as the worst film of all time would have succeeded had it not been released right after 9/11. I have to disagree citing the film was released with the French alternate-title "Smoking Pile of Crap".

North Korean dictator names heir apparent - In case anyone was worried that peace and tranquility might return to the Korean peninsula fear not! Kim Jong Il named his oldest son as successor to his regime. And if you thought Kim Jong was a few croutons short of a salad, evidently his son is nuttier than a squirrel's nest.

British Elections upcoming - In a battle of the least charismatic politicians ever, British Prime Minister Gordon "Mr.Excitement" Brown appears headed to certain defeat at the hands of Conservative Party leader David "Likes to Party" Cameron. That bastion of 'intellectualism' FHM Magazine gives their take: "It really comes down to who less looks like a lumpy, dried out, bag of cement. So we give the edge to Cameron...barely".

Proof statistics can be fun - For example recent surveys show residents of Newfoundland are the most sexually active of any provence in Canada. Newfoundland also has a town called Dildo. Coincidence? I think not.

Coming Soon: "Catcher in the Rye 2-The Loathing Returns" - uh, not really. Author JD Sullinger has sued to prevent a sequel to the classic novel Catcher in the Rye whose main contribution to literature is possibly foreshadowing the Emo movement.

In terms of story development, assuming the main character Holden Caulfield follows the typical Baby Boomer trajectory. The sequel picks up with Caulfield being put on medication and becoming a preppy, conformist drone focused mainly on making money and instant self-gratification.

If crazy was sold as coffee, Fox News would be Starbucks - Evidently the right-wing pundits over at Fox are still bitter about the election. They recently called Obama Un-American because he likes dijon mustard on his hamburger and that's apparently only the French do. So that's makes him unfit to be President? uhh..good luck with that.

"What Fox did is not just create a venue for alternative opinion. It created an alternate reality," Charles Krauthammer.

I hope Heidi and Spencer don't ruin thier careers by being overexposed - oops, too late.

Best Reason yet why politicians should not twitter -

US Sen.Chuck Grassley's (R-Iowa) twitter criticism of Obama's Paris sightseeing trip- "you got nerve while u sightseeing"

From Sarah Smith via blog Wonkette - "Remember back in 1780-something, when we had actual smart people writing our founding documents in beautiful longhand when they weren't inventing new kinds of ploughs and bifocals and shit? Now our nation's top legislators just type away like petulant teenage girls, with their thumbs."

A Response to John Mayer's twitter post - From uber-tool John Mayer about why men generally aren't big fans of his:

"Men hate me because I date their dream girls"

My response: Actually John men hate you because you're a no talent, ass-clown who is single-handedly responsible for the pussification of Rock'N'Roll. The only reason you have a music career is corporate radio perpetuating those God-awful songs to make the airwaves safe for the Lite-Rock/Adult Contemporary crowd who primarily use music as background noise.

Your brand of 'schlock rock' could only be loved by a soulless, record company hack who thinks Hootie and the Blowfish are edgy. If you had any ounce of musical integrity, you would take your guitar playing hand and stick it through a running wood-chipper.

Swine Flu, Rock of Love, and Twittering is for twats - 5/4/2009

2009-08-26T16:53:00.000-07:00

Pork: the other white meat - As the swine flu meagerly makes its away across the globe (thus far). I'm so glad our media have shown reserve and integrity by not sensationalizing the epidemic and causing a panic...uhh...never mind.

The Return of ‘Rock of Lame..urr.. Love’ – Like a bad case of Syphilis that won’t go away, Brett Michaels former lead singer of faux-metal act Poison is back for third run around of finding love among 12 middle-aged strippers. I guess Brett has uhh..’High’ standards for potential love interests since he can’t seem to find the right one from the collective human cesspool who form the dating pool for the show.

'Obsession' Movie Review - I really enjoyed this movie..... back when it was called 'Fatal Attraction' about 20 years ago.

'17 Again' Movie Review - I really enjoyed this movie.....back when it was called 'Dream a Little Dream' about 20 years ago.

And on a side note, you can have my age 17 because it sucked, and I enjoy the part of adulthood where you can look back at high school and laugh at all supposedly 'cool' people now working as gas station attendants. I also enjoy the part of adulthood where you have money and freedom.

Am I Bad Person…. – If upon hearing that Elisabeth Hasselbeck was injured in a bicycle accident and my initial split-second response was “I hope she was injured!”?

New Jersey looks to ban bikini waxes - Well my summer plans at the Shore are shot.....uhh....I mean someone in the State capital has too much time on their hands.

Miss USA controversy - I think the real debate surrounding this year's event is not whether Miss California is a bigoted-idiot (she is) or Perez Hilton asked her a loaded question about gay marriage (he did). But rather why are we still holding this mindless ritual where creepy old men and their Stepford cultist wives watch a parade of silicone enhanced walking mannequins?

Texas Governor threatens succession - During one of the adult temper tantrums held accross the country alternately referred to as 'Tea Parties', Texas Gov. Rick Perry mentioned a possibility of the state succeeding. Interesting comment seeing as how the US Civil War supposedly to put an end to that idea.

The response from the other 49 states: please feel free to leave at any time. You always we're petulant little state and now you can be you're own little petulant country. By the way all the oil in the Gulf of Mexico and the city of Austin still belongs to us.
Pakistan teetering on collapse – The Taliban (it’s Persian for ‘The Good Time Gang’) who currently control the border area of Pakistan and Afghanistan have decided the rest of the country should share in the non-stop party that is strict Islamic law. Oh good, a civil war in a country with nuclear weapons. Sweet.

If you thought Domino’s Pizza was inedible before – Proving stupidity can transcend the digital age, two Domino’s managers in North Carolina filmed themselves sticking snot, spit, and other fun human waste bi-products in pizzas about to be delivered then posted it on YouTube.

I’m still in amazement that people don’t consider the pros and cons of whether filming a crime is really a good idea? Then again that's assuming people who post crimes on YouTube would actually have cognitive ability.

American Lexicon Update - the term 'F*** You Money' is now 'Wall Street Bonus Money' - Origin: From the classic line delivered by James Garner in the vastly underrated comedy Barbarians at the Gate "We're not just talking big money here, we're talking F*** You money, we're talking never having to say you're sorry money".

Meaning: To describe a fortune so obscenely large that exceeds any practical need for it which usually belongs to some rich, greedy jerk-off.

New Usage: To describe any Wall Street exec who has the temerity to take million-dollar raise even though they brought down the Financial sector.

Twittering is for twats - Not like this country needed another tool to fuel its already bulging narcissism but this whole twittering thing is about reach levels of annoying not seen since the Macarena craze. Now it seems every annoying celebrity or personality has a twitter account because why? Is Nicole Richie's life just that interesting?
Assuming I had an infantile need for attention, here's what my tweets would look like:

7:10am - Accident at the I-295-42 split, looks like someone zigged when they should have zagged

7:58am - Just clocked a lady behind me on the PATCO train talk on her cell phone for 28 minutes straight, a new record

8:15am - some homeless man called me a 'bald a-hole. That's why I love Philly, you don't have to wait for the insults

11:00am - Project mgmt meeting..time for my nap

11:59am - Will she please just SHUT UP already

12:35pm - Lunch time and its "What the hell is that Wednesday?" at the cafetaria but sounds better then "Fresh Roadkill Mondays"

2:20pm - Found a weapon of mass destruction....on 23rd floor bathroom in the last stall

3:45pm - Just listened to a boring story from 'cat lady' down the hall for fifteen minutes. Another minute I would of replied 'I'm sorry you have me confused for someone who gives a crap'

4:15pm - Time to go home now, but check traffic first to see how many idiots will be impeding my progress today with their car accidents caused by their idiacy

4:48pm - The train has 12 cars, but I choose the one with the two teenage girls saying 'Like' followed by 'Oh my God' an average of about three a sentence.

Somalia Pirates, Leo DiCaprio's Girlfriend, and The Great American 'Teabagging'

2009-04-21T03:17:00.000-07:00

Julia’s Gentleman Caller – I knew this would happen but so early? At a pancake breakfast fundraiser, some budding Casanova takes Julia’s hand and takes her for a walk. Really? At 2 years old and the kid is already flirting?

Now playing on Hell’s TIVO – The Hallmark Channel announced it’s 2009 lineup of 35 original movies that I’m sure will feature it’s usual commitment to film excrement..urr.. excellence. Featuring an all-star cast of D-list celebrities who collectively bring a starpower caliber equal to that of a reading light. This year’s crop promises to induce Diabetic shock with storylines so sappy and schmaltzy that I can already feel my blood sugar going through the roof.

Perhaps the greatest album review ever – From Esquire magazine regarding the New Jonas Brothers album: “Obituary: Music officially dies after succumbing to the release of “Jonas Brothers 3-D Movie Soundtrack”. Reportedly on the day the music died, it said good-bye to Miss American Pie then drove a Chevrolet truck to a levy only to find said levy was dry where two Southern gentleman we’re consuming alcoholic beverages and discussing their mortality.”

As if men needed another reason to hate Leonardo DiCaprio – Proving that life is indeed unfair, Leo’s girlfriend Bar Refaeli graced the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition causing grown men to stop dead in their tracks, saying “Whoa momma!” at newsstands everywhere.

The Great American 'Teabagging' – In an apparent protest of taxes and government, thousands of ‘teabaggers’ are holding ‘Tea Parties’ across America on April 15 when taxes are due proving many right-wing talk radio fans completely lack a sense of irony given the term ‘teabagging’ has whole other connotation. So if any ‘teabagger’ is wondering why everyone is snickering and laughing at them, please consult urbandictionary.com or ask any adolescent teenage boy. At least they didn’t call it a ‘Roman Soldier Helmet’ party or ‘Salad Tossing’ party.

Piracy: It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt – The latest scourge of the high seas involves pirates from Somalia highjacking large freight ships and crew in the Indian Ocean demanding ransom for their release. Not sure if they got the idea from watching too much “Pirates of the Caribbean ” but I’m guessing Capt. Jack Sparrow would not be crazy enough to take on the US Navy. Particularly after seeing the Navy SEAL snipers take out three pirates holding an American ship captain hostage.

As a result expect this Gov’t statistic to be updated more frequently: Body Count of Pirates by President

Thomas Jefferson – 800

James Madison – 500

Barack Obama - 3

Age of Enlightenment apparently skipped Alaska – Proving that she’s old school when it comes to family values (old as in Middle Ages) Gov.Sarah Palin nominated Attila the Hun..urr.. Wayne Anthony Ross for the State’s attorney general.

When asked to explain why he opposed criminalizing sexual assault among married couples, Ross replied: “If you can’t rape your wife, who can you rape?”

AIG looks to change image after Bailout controversy – Trying to stem outrage after the public learned that AIG paid over $100 million in bonuses from bailout funds meant to stimulate the economy to the very people responsible for the Sub-Prime crisis. With it’s brand tarnished, AIG is considering a PR campaign with either ‘Ooops, about that global economic collapse, our bad’ or ‘Hey, at least we’re not Bernie Madoff’ as it’s slogan.

Dick Cheney might want to lawyer up – Several Bush admin officials including Alberto Gonzalez may not want to leave the country anytime soon thanks to expected indictments of human rights violations from Spain. I’m not well versed in Legalese, but from what I understand, by choosing to violate the Geneva Convention regarding the humane treatment of prisoners of war at Guantanamo Bay outside the US legal system.

It also means those who performed or authorized are laso outside the protection of the US legal system. The detainee camp essentially operated in a ‘lawless’ zone where any human rights offense could be prosecuted by any country.

So in essence, the Bush Admin screwed themselves once the Int’l Red Cross verified the systematic torture and deaths of least 12 detainees as a result, because other countries then have the right to prosecute human rights violations which occur to their citizens. But on the bright side they say Spain is lovely in the springtime, especially from a prison cell.

15 THINGS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT PARENTHOOD (PART 2 – THE TODDLER YEARS)

2009-04-21T03:15:00.000-07:00

This is a follow-up to my original post that you can find here: PART 1: THE NEWBORN YEARS

1. With a second child, responsibility increases exponentially – Here’s the new math: 2 parents + 1 child > 3 and 2 parents + 2 children > 4 meaning it does not get any easier with the second child. Which gives you a newfound respect for single parents because after several hours alone with the kids, I must look like a lobotomy patient or Amy Winehouse after a 2-day bender.

2. Kids are lot like Roosters – Regardless of day, once the sun comes up they’re up and jumping up on you’re bed ‘Breakfast Daddy? Breakfast?’ whether you want to sleep or not. So the first few minutes of the day are spent resembling a zombie from Night of the Living Dead mumbling “Coffee….Coffee….Coffee..”. The flipside of course comes 15 years later when getting them up before noon on Weekends provides a chance for revenge.

3. You’re meals are no longer your own – Like the mooch in college who always vultured over a stash of snacks, toddlers are automatically attracted to the sound of a running microwave or fridge opening looking to mooch off some of you’re food “What ya eatin daddy?” So we’ve made a point to snack on healthy foods so they both girls will get into viewing fruits, veggies as the cool food.

4. New parents get a 2-year mulligan period – According to all those expert books kids don’t form permanent memories until at least 2 years old so you have a trial period to screw-up and not have you’re kids hold it against you.

5. Never underestimate ability of kids to pick up language – Kids say the darndest things especially in front of strangers, particularly with words you didn’t want them to know. Like when Julia dropped a plate and said “Oh S**t” at an outdoor picnic with five other people looking on. That’s when you act all surprised and reply with feigned indignity “Where did you learn that word?” making sure to cut them off in case they reply “From you”.

6. Never underestimate ability of kids to read emotions – Amazingly our oldest has figured out when we’re patronizing her. For instance she’ll say “I drew picture for you” and I’ll reply lazily “That’s nice”. Then indignant, she’ll says firmly “No Daddy..LOOK”. Mmm’kay on cognitive development list for assertiveness, check.

7. Luckily, as cognitive ability increases, parents still have the upper hand – By nature kids will get into things they are not supposed to get into, but thankfully they don’t realize that sound travels which thereby alerts the parents to some mischievous doing. So kids adapt and learn to be sneaky, but alas they have not learned that by nature kids are also noisy so when there is an suspicious silence, parents can deduce they are up to something, thereby leading to kids getting caught..AGAIN.

8. Pediatricians have a superiority complex – Because there are many stupid parents, Peds will assume everybody who comes into their office is stupid and needs to be talked down to like a 5-year old. Our Ped gave us a lecture on what bacteria is and how anti-biotics work. To which my wife responded…”Thanks for the refresher because I was afraid those 4 years in college getting a Biology degree would go to waste”.

9. Opinions on parenting are like butt-holes, everyone seems to have one – Evidently there are several undeclared wars between those who believe in working versus stay-at-home moms or breast-feeding versus formula advocates or family planning versus natural conception advocates that spill out on internet chatrooms and mindless talk shows everywhere. So when I become a unwilling combatant in one of these wars, I politely say “I’ll go ahead and raise my kids the way we see fit and you go ahead and stick your opinion where the Sun don’t shine”.

10. Teething infants make great birth control for teens – Having my wife’s cousins babysit our two kids has helped ensure there will be no unplanned pregnancies in their future. After three hours of cleaning up puke, poop, and drool along with having to deal with overall crankiness of teething. Every one of them afterward is like “Uh, parenting like blows, so I’ll focus on college for the time being.”

11. Kids are basically germ magnets – Knowing there is an impending stomach bug in your body can only be compared to the dread that Medieval Europeans felt seeing an impending Viking raid coming to their village. It’s almost a ritualistic event every year when cold, Flu, or stomach ailments get picked up by the kids and spread through the house like wildfire. But we refuse to become germophobes because if you don’t expose them to everything, their immune systems will not get stronger.

12. You laugh at parents who shop at Gap Kids or Carter’s – Nothing says pretentious yuppie like parents buying a wardrobe full of expensive kids clothes because they grow so fast you’ll be lucky to get more than one good day’s use out of them. It’s one thing for pictures or a special occasion. But can anyone really tell the difference between a $40 6-month outfit from Carter’s and a $4 one from Target? The best is watching an uppity parent freak out because that precious outfit got dirty and is most likely stained for good.

13. Kids ultimately have to learn the Law of the Playground – They reach that age where you have to let your kids loose on the playground with other kids and hope they play well with others. Inevitably, you always seem to have the one bratty little kid in the group who does something mean to your kid while they’re dolt parent is oblivious. The natural response is to get up and smack that little urchin upside the head but that my little girls will have to learn that there are jerks at every age and you just have to ignore them. Of course doesen’t mean you can’t hide said brat kids favorite toy and smile in guilty delight as he throws a tantrum.

14. Your entertainment choices are limited to Nickelodeon or Disney – So while you can try to steer them in the cartoon preference that will cause the least headaches.

15. Your career goals get a much needed perspective – I was one of those real ambitious types out of grad school who would stay late at work because it impressed the boss. But when you have kids you realize the real rewards are getting home in time to play with them before bed. The best part is no matter how much of a punching bag you feel like after a really bad day. When you come home and your daughters come running to you, no amount of money, promotions, or corporate glory can buy that feeling.

Recession, Reefer Madness, and Finding my Inner Nerd

2009-04-21T03:08:00.000-07:00

Snowstorms - Great for kids, sucks when you're an adult

How do you know that it’s time to go to go on a diet? – When your daughter points out that I have ‘boobies’ like Mommy and during a check-up and you get the heaviest weight ever in your life prompting the nurse to ask “Did you eat Little Debbie or just her snacks?” I was at 236, which may not be very big except when entering college, I weighed 135. Part of it (well, lot of it) was mass-quantity beer drinking in my early to mid 20’s. But luckily my company has it’s own gym (working for ‘The Man’ has it’s privileges) and I’m now down to 223 at last check. I’ll keep you posted.

Discovering my ‘Inner Nerd’ – I was never comic book guy and I’m probably part of the 1% of people on the planet who still have not seen Dark Knight. However, I’m looking forward to The Watchmen because it’s the only graphic novel to make the list of 100 Top Influential novels of the 1980’s from Time magazine. It’s sort of the Thinking Man’s version of ‘Superfriends’. Of course getting my wife to be remotely interested will be a challenge suitable for Superman.

This can be filed as ‘Well, Duh’ – According to the article “George Lucas destroyed my childhood” recently in Entertainment Weekly, nerds (oops sorry ‘Fans’) are complaining that Lucas has ruined the Star Wars franchise by overmarketing everything about the series for money. In response to the criticism, Lucas launched his new website “The Star Wars Cash Cam” where get you to see live footage Lucas counting all his money after the Brink’s truck shows up to deliver the day’s royalties.

This should make you feel better about the recession – According to Congressional insiders familiar with the Bailout. On Sept. 18, 2008, the US was potentially three hours away from financial Armageddon when the stock market lost over $600 Million dollars during morning trading and was on pace to lose 70% of it’s value before a deal was made on the Bailout. And you thought you had a bad day.

And this make you feel better about the near future – According to the Gov’t Accounting Office the Medicare Hospital fund may go broke as early as 2018.

And this make you feel better about the long-term future – Because of the current budget deficit, Congress is ‘borrowing’ from the Social Security trust-fund to pay for Gov’t departments. But don’t worry, given Washington’s track record of fiscal prudence I’m sure it will be paid back in time as a safety net for young people because it’s not like there’s a huge cohort of Baby Boomers set to retire in the next 10 years or anything.

“Weedies”: The New Breakfast of Champions – With a photo of Michael Phelps taking a hit off a bong appearing on the Internet, evidently those PSA commercials stating weed gets you nowhere in life will have to scrapped since it didn' stop Phelps from the Olympics. I’ll knock Phelps for being stupid and putting his endorsement money at risk but honestly I won’t knock him for the weed. Not that I endorse smoking it, but given the steroids in baseball and abuse of painkillers in football it’s nothing. Besides both the current and former President have admitted snorting cocaine in their ‘wayward’ youth, so cut him some slack.

In other ‘Weed’ related news – According to Peter Yarrow of 60’s folk group Peter, Paul, and Mary, their song ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’ was not about marijuana. Uh, yeah and I’m sure The Beatles’ song ‘What’s the New Mary Jane’ was actually about a woman named Mary Jane. Plus Jimi Hendrix’s ‘All Along the Watchtower’ was actually about standing on top of a tower or some other elevated vantage point.

And while we’re on the topic of weed – In honor of Vancouver , British Columbia hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics they have asked for ideas for a mascot to represent the city. Seeing as that Province legalized marijuana recently, I suggested ‘Spliffy’, everybody’s favorite talking joint with the tagline “Light it up, Dudes!” as the official slogan. For some reason they hung up on me when I called them with the idea.

Not to paint Canada with a broad brush or anything but given most Canadians I knew smoked weed like a chimney, they could probably replace the Maple leaf with a marijuana leaf on the Canadian flag.

Hot new feud: the Republican Party vs. Reality – In the official GOP response to Barack Obama’s well received State of the Union address. Bobby Jindal, the current Governor of Louisiana and now former ‘frontrunner’ for the party’s 2012 Presidential nomination gave one of the worst speeches at one of the worst posible times in modern political history. Jindal said his party opposed the economic stimulus because of ‘excessive’ government spending and that tax breaks for the wealthy will solve the economic crisis. So according to them foremost on American’s minds right now about Gov’t intervention in the economy are concerns about spending and lower taxes while not at all concerned about heading off the next Great Depression or anything. Uh, good luck with that.

Pittsburgh wins the Super Bowl* – As a Cincinnati Bengals fan my reaction to the last second touchdown was to repeat the F-word in succession for about five minutes. However in the interest of sportsmanship allow me to send along my congratulations to Steeler fans everywhere on your Championship with the sincere wish that you choke on it and die.

*Bitterness – A feeling of loathing or irrational hatred for someone or something that often experiences success causing a deep seated resentment in those who usually do not have success.

Megan Fox breaks off Engagement** – In a sign that God does indeed exist, Megan Fox broke off her engagement to her full time unemployed actor beau Brian Austin Green who is occasionally remembered for his absolutely non-groundbreaking role in the 90’s teen show Douchebag High ..urr..Beverly Hills 90210. Not to brag but if I were still single I think I could score a date with Megan Fox because I’m just that good!

**Delusional – A overall state of false or altered perception of self in relation to reality

The Bernie Madof Scandal, the switch to Digital TV, and bye-bye K-Mart

2009-01-29T17:47:00.001-08:00

No sibling rivalry,,,,,,yet – We're thankful to not only have two healthy daughters but who also appear to be really be forming a close sisterly bond. Of course, when boys start getting into the picture then we'll see.

The Local K-Mart Deathwatch - We live in a quasi suburban, quasi-rural area of South Jersey where the only close retail option was K-Mart. Like most K-Marts, you could never find what you needed, the employees we're as close to brain dead without being comatose, and you felt in need of a shower when leaving because the store was so filthy.However, salvation came in the form of a new Target the next town over, which means we're all taking bets on the Over/Under of when K-Mart goes bankrupt.

I'm personally helping the cause by standing outside K-Mart's front doors and telling people "You know Target is now open in Mantua". To which they say "Thanks!" and head back to their cars.

Digital TV Switchover - As part of the progression of legalized extortion from Cable companies technology all analogue TV signals (where the TV needs rabbit ears to get signal) will cease. Which will usher in a glorious new age of Cable TV monopoly communication technology. Here’s a list of other things that will join TV antennas as needing to be phased out:
-Rotary Phones
-Typewriters
-Fur Coats
-Larry King
-Buicks
-Old People who still refer to Asians as ‘Orientals’

Bernie Madoff scandal – Back in college for my Criminology class term paper, I argued that in economic terms white-collar crime did more damage to the average person than regular street crime. With Bernie Madoff allegedly swindling $50 Billion from investors in a Ponzi scheme, this translates to $20 Billion in lost tax revenue to the Gov’t. That’s $20 Billion that could have been used for providing every child in this country with healthcare or fixing the Top 10 bridges that needed repaired or providing every soldier in Iraq and Afghanistan with body armour.

This leads to another theory of mine, that the Justice System treats rich people very differently than average people. The fact that Madoff gets to await trial relaxing in his $7 million Penthouse apartment in Manhattan as opposed to jail where anyone else would be spending their time lends credence.

Sarah Palin: A never ending fountain of stupidity – Proving that denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, the former VP candidate blamed bloggers for losing the election. Uh Right, in the same way paparazzi are responsible for Lindsay Lohan not becoming the next Reece Witherspoon. I think it actually had more to do with majority of Americans deciding that the Harvard educated lawyer with the high IQ would be a better a fit to run the country than an unrepentant dumb-ass who displays her ignorance like a badge of honor.

Luckily, we’ll get more of the Governor’s wit and wisdom in her new book deal tentatively titled “When Deer Met Headlights: The Sarah Palin Story”.

Newest Industry needing a bailout: Porn – Proving no one is unscathed by the recession, several Porn production companies have officially petitioned the Gov’t for cash from the $700 Billion Economic stimulus fund to help their business. This is a reverse of the usual scenario where people give the Porn Industry cash for their own personal stimulus.

CIA officials angry about new Chief – Top officials from America’s spy agency are angry that they we’re not consulted about Obama’s nominee to head the CIA, Leon Pinetta. Which is ironic seeing as they’re job is gathering Intelligence and if they we’re halfway decent at their jobs they could have gotten the scoop before it was announced thereby proving Obama’s point that the CIA needs vast improvement.

Bride Wars Flops at Box Office – I know we’re all shocked that another Kate Hudson bombed. Evidently she never inherited the funny gene from her Mom Goldie Hawn.

So much for free pens – Thanks to new rules governing marketing to doctors by drug companies, all promotional materials featuring drugs are banned from doctor’s offices including those cool drug pens that I love to steal borrow. I guess Pharma companies will have to increase drug sales the old-fashioned way: By actually making worthwhile drugs that cure disease and are affordable.

Not turning out to be a good year for White supremacists – Adding to the insult of Obama being inaugurated, the folks in the inbred social circle known as the KKK now have this to contend with. New figures show Barbie the icon of blond hair, blue eyes has been overtaken as the top selling toy in sales by Dora the Explorer, the Spanish speaking Latina adventurer. I can see members of the Aryan Brotherhood getting so angry they burn a cross in their yard.

Overheard in the Obama White House after the Inaguration -
MO: "What a day!"
BO: "Phew, yeah...what a day!"
MO: "I'm exhausted. Could you get the light, Barack?"
BO: "Yes I can! I will not only get the light, I will shine the light for all Americans and show them the way through the darkness! It is a light that arises from the hopes and dreams of the old and the young, the black and white and yellow and red and brown, the gay and the straight, the rich and the poor! It is a light on whose rays the promise of hope...to make that light a beacon of progress. And I say to you tonight: This is our moment! This is our bedtime!"
MO: "Oh fer god's sake never mind, I'll do it myself"

The 2008 ROSSY AWARDS!

2009-01-24T20:03:00.000-08:00

The origin of these awards date back to my college days when our fraternity handed these out in honor of the best of our dumb, drunken, or debauchery moments. Since we're out of school and (mostly) out of trouble I've decided to give out these awards on a global scale.

The Home Depot Do It Yourself Award – Eschewing the traditional method for snow and ice removal of using salt and a shovel, a man in New Bedford, MA accidently burned down his house after trying to melt the snow on his deck with a propane welder's torch. Local authorities decided against pressing charges citing local statute does not have laws against being a jackass.

The Cheech and Chong Award – In what should the greatest Cop arrest video ever, a Valparaiso University basketball player named Logan Jones was pulled over by Indiana State Police for suspicion of drunk driving. Upon opening the window in a cloud of marijuana smoke and with a 12 ounce bag of weed on his lap, Jones was quoted as saying 'Hey Man, Be Cool'. Once the officer was able to come down from his contact high he cited Jones for Marijuana possession.

The Guantanimo Bay Award - A manager of a Utah Real Estate firm found an interesting way to provide motivation to his Sales Team, by having one of his salespeople waterboarded in front of the company. Derived from the Middle Ages, wateboarding is a form of torture that simulates the effect of drowning, proving torture apparently isn't just for the CIA or rogue governments anymore.

The Larry King Cringe Inducing TV Moment Award - During an interview on The Today Show, Matt Lauer asked Robert F. Kennedy Jr. how his dad was doing. The question would normally be benign except RFK Jr. is the son of that Robert F. Kennedy who was assassinated in 1968. Junior responded by saying 'Don't you mean my uncle Ted Kennedy?' which was polite way of saying 'Are you a complete idiot?'

The Best Use of Profanity on Live TV Award - While on The Today Show (first time dual winner of a Rossy), Actress Jane Fonda mentioned the four letter C-word to describe her feminine area more commonly referred to as the thermo-nuclear device of the English Language. In an apology, NBC noted that it was not nice way to describe Matt Lauer.

The Best Use of Profanity in a coutroom - As a result of the court case Fox Sports vs. the Federal Communication Commission, where the network appealed a fine over the use of an F-word blurted during live telecast. It marked the first time the US Supreme Court allowed the F-word during proceedings.

A snippet of the court transcript: "If it please the court we ask the fine be reversed because it's not fair to fine a Sports Network all because some f****n idiot said f*** during a football game. I mean that's f****d up!"

The Karma is a Bitch Award - In 2006 Circuit City laid off it's most experienced, highest paid electronic salespeople in favor of newer, minimum wage salespoeple and notified them in the most dignified way: via an mass e-mail. As a result Circuit City sales drop 40% and is forced into bankruptcy, while many of those laid-off employees are hired by competitor Best Buy for more money and their profits increase by 40%. Coincidence? I think not.

The Ron Jeremy Award - A Danish soccer team, FC Copenhagen we're promised a lifetime of free porn if they posted a winning season. In possibly related news, participation in soccer leagues around Denmark reported a 300% increase in participation of young men aged 13-35.

The Eliot Spitzer Award for Best Prostitution Bust - A college professor from the Midwest visiting New York City had his trip to a S&M Club cut short when his 'Mistress of Pain' called 9-1-1 for an ambulance due to him passing out while hog-tied wearing only a diaper.

The Best Riot not involving European Soccer Fans - Police in suburban Milwaukee, WI responded in full riot gear to a Chuck E' Cheese where over 40 parents got involved in drunken brawl. As a result, the children's pizza/arcade restuarant lost its liquor license after police we're called to break up drunken fights a total of 15 times over the course of 2008. In response Chuck E' Chese decided to change their slogan "Where a kid can be a kid, and a parent can be a drunken beligirent asshole".

The Best Fight (Non-Drinking Category) - Two nuns and a priest we're arrested for beating up a restuarant owner in Rutino, Italy over a dispute of renting an old church rectory for his business using a little known Catholic sacrament called 'Opening a can of Whoop-Ass'. As a consequence donations were reportedly up at the town parish Our Lady of the Perpetual Beat-Down.

The Best Fight (Drinking Category) - Austrailian Parliament Member Andrew Fraser was censored for getting into fistacuffs with three other members over an innocuous Highway bill. Colleagues speculated that the incident was most likely influnced by Fraser having a liquid lunch of about 12 beers.

The Ethics in New Jersey Gov't Award - This year we hand out to neighboring New York City and it's Staten Island Congressman Vito Fossella who managed in a 24 hour period to pull off the political scandal trifecta:

1. After being kicked out of Congressional party in honor of the Super Bowl champion NY Giants for unruly behavior, Fossella gets arrested for DUI.
2. Later that night, Fossella is bailed out by a woman with whom he has intimate relations with but is not his wife.
3. Upon following the story, Washington Post finds out that said mistress also had Fossella's out-of-wedlock child last year.

The Lifetime Achievement Award - In an interview with Fox and Friends, octagenarian actor Earnest Borgnine when asked what his secret to longevity was, replied 'I masturbate alot'. In addition to the priceless look on the everybody's face, it proved that wisdom does indeed come with age.

Illinois Governor Scandal, Middle Class is the New rich, and X-Mas fun with R.Kelly 12-24-08

2009-01-24T19:59:00.000-08:00

Having Small Children = Christmas is fun again - There is something to be said about the magic of Christmas when you're a kid. Before you become a jaded, cynical bastard like me after fighting the battles of adulthood, you actually believed in the "Peace on Earth, Goodwill toward Men' crap. Luckilly having a 2-year old who believes in Santa makes your day during the hectic Holiday period (along with giving parents a tool to extort good behavior when they misbehave : )

Evidently there's War on Christmas - Who Knew? - Watch the Bill O'Reilly Show long enough (why would you?) and you'll come to believe that the Godless (and/or Sodomite, and/or dirty heathen and/or Zionist) New World Order have declared some sort of covert, unofficial War on Christmas by emphasizing Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas.

This must be one of those CIA, Black Ops, Dirty War operations because vast majority of those in the Reality based community (ie: Normal people) never really knew this. I think it's safe to say if there is a War, then Christmas won big time, because it's already started creeping into October before you get hit with X-Mas shopping adverts.

Hot ticket item on eBay: US Senate Seat ($500,000) – Proving corrupt politicians need not be cunning nor smart, Illinois Governor Mark Blagojevich, was indicted for trying to sell Barack Obama's now vacant Senate seat to the highest bidder. Knowing very likely the Feds were eavesdropping on his phone calls, he still outright asked for the bribe.

Given Chicago's shall we say checkered history of political malfeasance, I'll give him a 2 out of 5 on the Mayor Richard Daley scale of corruption. The audacity was there but the execution completely failed.

Some interesting e-mail on the topic -
"Dear Jason,
What an amateur! No politician worth their salt ever brings up the actual bribe on their own. You use phrases like "I'd like to purchase some girl-scout cookies" and magically a box of Thin Mints appears attached to an envelope full of laundered cash from the Mob. Plus, that's why you hire a bagman to handle the transactions …..urr…..I mean I would never…. Uhh…. corrupt my public office. Keep forgetting the Feds can subpoena e-mails, damn it!

Regards,
The honorable Jon Corzine, Governor of New Jersey "

Celebrity Stupidity Alert – Former 50's crooner Pat Boone who rose fame with his hit album Non-Threatening Music for Boring White People and whose reign atop the charts came to a merciful end thanks to Elvis Presley. Recently took time out from his current job of irrelevance to compare the Prop 8 protests to the Terrorist attacks in Mumbai, India.

Beside the obvious that there really is no comparison between a legal, peaceful protest by Gay Marriage supporters and the carnage that ensued over in India. A more appropriate comparison would be Pat Boone's music terrorizing people with good taste. I guess that would make him along with his vapid sister Debbie the musical equivalent of al Qeada.

The Middle Class is the New Rich – In an excellent article in this month's Vanity Fair details the rise and fall of Wall Street brokers who were so super wealthy that dining out on $1,000 steak dinners and flying private jets were routine. These same brokers are now literally reduced to cutting out store coupons for grocery shopping and (gasp) having to fly commercial in coach. My response: 'Bluuu… HAHAHAHAHA!'

Good to see the Bailout being put to good use – According to auditors many of the Investment firms who benefited from part of the $700 Billion dollar bailout used over $1 Billion of it for Executive bonuses and severance pay on taxpayer expense. Right now somewhere in a Federal prison, members of the various drug cartels are thinking they got into the wrong business.

New classic Christmas tune – Having been acquitted of various sex charges, R.Kelly came out with a sure to be instant classic just in time for the Holidays: "Santa Claus is Coming (but not necessarily to town)". Actually I made that one up but would we be at all surprised if it were an actual song?

MTV's TRL 'Total Request Live' ends it's 9 year run – Can't really say I'll miss it because whenever I was in New York City for business and had to sprint to Penn Station to catch an early train home. I'd have to fight my way through mad horde of teenage girls in Times Square screaming to see some dumb teen pop group get to act like douchebags for fifteen minutes.

My favorite moment was on one of those days when I made it to the studio and had the pleasure of kicking host Carson Daly in the nuts…..oh wait that was just a dream…..never mind.

Greatest Line ever written by a Sports Reporter – One of the main reasons I love soccer is the brutal honesty of coaches, players, and reporters who cover the sport. From ESPN Soccernet reporter Paul Marshall describing the performance of French team St.Etienne: "Perhaps the most stunning lack of character ever seen outside the set of a Porn movie". Classic!

Grammy Awards get it right…..Sort Of – Proving consistency is as elusive to the Grammy's as lucidity is to Paula Abdul. This year, Grammy's we're able to take the pulse of popular music with their thumb opposed to their elbow. Some good (Katy Perry, Adele get nominated), some bad (Taylor Swift snubbed), the somewhat irritating (On whose iPod would Maroon 5 ever be considered 'Rock'?) and the really infuriating (Jon Mayer? Are you @!% kidding me!...sorry my therapist talked about this so I need a moment)

’Heroes’, Cheetah Girl Photo controversy, and Auto Industry meltdown

2009-01-24T19:56:00.000-08:00

Happy Turkey Day – Hopefully everyone had a nice Weekend spent with family, friends, and loved ones though for us was hardly restful with two children under the age of 2. Luckily, my large extended family got together for Thanksgiving dinner and amazingly everyone made it out alive with no arrests to report and my in-laws house remaining relatively intact.

Blog Correction or Blogga' Please! – In my last blog, I compared recently convicted Senator Ted Stevens to infamous Louisiana Governor Huey Long. Evidently it's Earl K. Long not Huey my bad. Thanks to all of you have so much time and so much minute information stored in your brains that you were able to instantly correct me.

I should have known better especially since here in New Jersey we specialize in political corruption with a kleptocracy in place of a working State government.

Hot new feud: Disney Pop Stars versus Their Clothes – Another month, another Disney star nude photo controversey. This time Adrienne Bailon of the pop group Cheetah Girls now known as the 'The one with the interesting tattoo placement' as a result of nude photos leaked over the Internet that qualify her for a job as a real 'Cheetah Girl' of the Cheetah Gentleman's Club.

Apparently, there seems to be a rash of intimate photos starring Disney Pop princesses wandering from laptops and cellphones and finding a home on the World Wide Web. First, Vanessa Hudgens, then Miley Cyrus, and now poor old Adrienne. I guess we should expect those lingerie shots of Minnie Mouse taken by Mickey being leaked on TMZ any day now.

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition – Gun sales have reportedly skyrocketed in response to Obama's election for fear of a new crackdown on firearms proving never underestimate the power of marketing to separate idiots from their money. I'll I can say is the Gun Industry marketing exec who dreamed up the idea of Gun Control Conspiracy theories to jack up sales equals unheralded genius.

At this point the only need for me to have a firearm is when my daughters begin dating. When potential suitors come to the house, I'll have my 12-gauge shotgun out for show starting the conversation 'Hey Son, you know the difference between Assault with a Deadly Weapon and Attempted Murder?...A few inches, Blu HAHAHAHA!!!!' Ahh, puberty..can't wait!

Donnie Osmond fears backlash for supporting Prop 8 – Apparently former child star of the 70's family variety show Whiter than Vanilla Ice Cream The Osmonds and alleged 'singer' Donnie Osmond fears a backlash from Hollywood for supporting the California Gay Marriage ban along with being a Mormon. Actually, Donnie I don't think the backlash against your alleged 'career' is not so much the result of you being Mormon more as it is your music has always sucked in addition to being the XY Chromosome answer to Celine Dion.

Heroes fans fear the TV series is ruined – I'm no genius like the TV execs at NBC but I find Science Fiction stories tend to work when there is a believable plot, an organized story arc that required more than five minutes of thought, and some minimal amount of character development. But then again I don't inhibit the exalted, rareified air of intelligentsia that NBC resides in so what would I know. You can find more of my opinion over at www.if_its_a_smoking_pile_of_crap_it_must_be_NBC.com

American Lexicon Update – new entry 'He outkicked his coverage'
Literal meaning – In American Football when the punter kicks the ball too far in front of his coverage unit thereby allowing opposing team greater opportunity to run it back for a touchdown.
Euphemistic Meaning – When man of 'average' to 'below average' looks scores an unbeleivably hot girlfriend of supermodel quality creating a visual (sometimes stunning) mismatch between the couple leading tabloid writers to quip that guy 'outkicked his coverage'

Example – Beyonce' with Jay-Z; Victoria Secret supermodel Adriana Lima with LA Lakers benchwarmer/water boy Marko Jaric; Megan Fox with 99.9% of male species;

Alternate Phrases – The Reverse Brad Pitt, The Woody Allen Effect, 'Evidently she wasn't kidding about guys with a sense of humor'

The American Auto Maker Crisis explained in quotes –
"Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it" – George Santayana (1943)
This crisis is similar to Oil Crisis of the 1970's when American auto makers got whacked by Foreign imports which had better fuel efficiency over their oversized gas-guzzlers. That experience left such a lasting impression on the 'Big Three' that they made the exact same mistake 20-years later marketing gas-guzzling SUV's and trucks while the Foreign Manufacturers foresaw an impending Global Gas crunch and focused on developing fuel efficient vehicles.

"Our customers are not the type of people who worry about rising gas prices" – General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner (2006)
Proving the current brain-trust of the Auto Industry was a marriage of absolute arrogance and complete incompetence. Had the execs of any Big Three bothered to drive their company's own cars rather than drive in limos and fly in private jets perhaps they could have learned something about their own product.

"Global Warming is a crock of s**t" – GM vice-chairman is Bob Lutz (2008)
GM could have had the first electric car back in the 90's but shelved it with encouragement (allegedly) from the Oil Industry. So while the Big Three were spending millions lobbying Congress to fight Fuel efficiency standards, Toyota was spending millions developing the Hybrid that could go up to 90 miles per gallon, and Honda was spending millions developing the Hydrogen Cell Engine that will make Gasoline obsolete discharging water instead of carbon dioxide. Not sure if Toyota and Honda would consider the Billions that both will make off this new technology a crock of s**t.

"If you can find a better car, buy it." – Chrysler CEO Lee Iaccoca (1982)
And judging by Chrysler shrinking sales over the past decade looks like many Americans took up Mr.Iaccoca on his offer. One reason is that while Foreign Imports were revamping their cars every year, the Big Three allowed their models to lanquish year after year, creating a gulf in both real and perceived quality by consumers.

"The worker is not the problem. The problem is at the top; management is the problem." - William Deming (1983)
The ultimate irony is that the man responsible for Japanese automobile success was an American named William Deming who after World War II was hired by Japan to help rebuild their Auto Industry. Overall his philosophy was always listen to your customer and place quality above all else with the example set by management at the top. Should the Auto Industry get a bailout, my recommendation to them is to actually read what Deming had to say instead of ignoring him like they did over the past 60 years.

The only Election Round-Up that Matters! (or not : ) 11-12-08

2009-01-24T19:54:00.000-08:00

End Result - It's All About the "O" – As the 2008 election comes to a close and we elect an African-American President, majority of people decided to show their "O" face as in "Oh hell-no" on a third straight Republican term in the White House.

But even most Republicans (at least the "thinking" ones) have to admit that you felt a sense of pride in our country as we exorcise the ghosts of past racial bigotry. We'll always have pockets of racists around here (cough: West Virginia ) but as last Tuesday showed a large part of Dr.King's dream came true where a candidate of color was judged "Not on the color of his skin but on the content of his character".

The World suddenly likes America Again – Simultaneously overseas about a Billion people said in unison "Oh Thank God, Sarah Palin will be nowhere near the nuclear codes". Not sure why everyone was estactic about Bush leaving seeing as he gave the World 8 years of peace and prosperity? As Winston Churchill once quipped "Americans will always make the right choice…once all other options have been exhausted".

John McCain remembers ....he's John McCain – In one of the most classy concession speeches possibly ever, the McCain that we used to like apparently returned to note the historical moment and congratulate Obama.

Hopefully it will be first steps in restoring his reputation away from 'McSleazy' and denote the end of Rovian-Atwater politics of 'Us vs. Them'/'Only Real Americans vote GOP' crap that has infested Presidential politics for the past 20 years.

Amazingly, the loss wasn't all Palin's Fault – Quick note to Campaign manager Steve Schmidt, No really it was the Economy, STUPID!

I figure Palin couldn't have been that bad right:
Well there was the disastrous interview with Katie Couric which in her defense I would have had the same performance……if I we're coming home drunk from the bars at 3 in the morning.

Or her comment about visiting 'Pro-America' places that 'get it' as an apparent smack of Blue States, which was funny given her husband belonged to a Alaskan secessionist group promoting Independence from the United States.

Or her comment about seeing Russia from her house, which upon consulting a map of Alaska would be impossible unless you're a Seal or a Polar Bear.

Or that video from her church of Palin being anointed by a witch doctor to fight off the 'elements of Satan' inhibiting Alaska State Gov't. Ahhh…so that's why they abandoned using Rev. Jeremiah Wright against Obama.

Or that $150,000 shopping spree which completely undercut the 'Hockey Mom'/Joe Six-Pack/Anti-Elitist' argument. I guess they could not wait for the Kohl's Half-Off Sale or something?

But luckily it was 'Joe the Plumber' to the rescue – The ploy of using a common man being burdened by taxes as a campaign tool may have worked had 'Joe' actually been a plumber or had 'Joe' actually paid his Toledo city municipal taxes, or had 'Joe' actually been his real name.

Vetting (v.) is a process of examination and evaluation. Specifically, vetting often refers to performing a background check on someone before offering them employment. In addition, in intelligence gathering, assets are vetted to determine their usefulness.

Some interesting E-mail reaction to the election –
"Dear Jason,
If you think about it, McCain didn't do too badly considering the albatross of Bush. The popular vote was respectable even though the electoral vote looks like a blow-out. I hate the electoral vote!
Sincerely,
Al Gore"

One winner from McCain campaign: Jeff Foxworthy – His comedy practically writes itself

"If you actually believe Barack Obama is a muslim, terrorist who wants to socialize the American economy. You might be a redneck"

In other election highlights: Massachusetts decriminalizes Pot – The rationale being you never see a pothead hold up a liquor store for weed, so why not let cops focus on the hard-stuff like heroin, crack-cocaine, and Girl Scout cookies.

In a possibly related family note, my cousin from Kansas , is toying with the idea of moving to Boston.

Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann channels her inner Joe McCarthy – While appearing on NBC political show Hardball, Bachmann harkened back to the good old days of McCarthyism by demanding an investigation into which members of Congress were actually Anti-American.

Despite the fact Bachmann may very well be insane, the good people of the Minnesota 3rd Congressional district re-elected her. Should there ever be a return to the House Investigation on Un-American Activities someone should ask her: "Are you now, or have you ever been complete moron?"

Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens channels his inner Earl Long – The proprietor of the infamous Bridge to Nowhere was convicted on seven counts of political corruption in Federal Court which now puts in him in a league with infamous Louisiana Governor Huey Long for dirtiest politician ever.

Best moment of unintentional hilarity was when asked to explain why a lobbyist built Stevens a luxury log cabin worth $250,000 in exchange as a gift for certain favors. Stevens said he forgot it was illegal. Sort of like if someone gave me a briefcase of $250,000 cash and I forgot to declare it in my taxes to the IRS.

California voters channel their inner Alabama – So much for the theory bigotry only lives in the Red States, as supposedly ultra-liberal California voted a ban on Gay Marriage. Seeing as how the initiative was funded by the Mormon Church, can we have a vote for banning door-to-door proselytizing by Mormons? Something tells me if we start attacking the rights of extremist Evangelical churches masquerading as Christians, suddenly these Gay Marriage bans will start disappearing.

Guns N’ Roses, Channeling your Inner Gordon Ramsey, and My Fearless Election Prediction 10-31-2008

2009-01-24T19:47:00.000-08:00

Julia hits the Terrible 2's – For the most part she's a sweet girl but she's hit the age where they learn the word 'No' and learn the concept of defiance. Last Sunday, Julia discovered the fun of spitting her juice on the floor and when I told her Honey, don't do that' she looks at me mockingly says 'OK' then proceeds to do it again.

Let me tell you the biggest shock as a parent when your kid mouths off for the first time. Now I know why my Dad needed medicine for his High Blood Pressure, because it's like all your sins as a kid suddenly come back to haunt you like when little Keira gets to that age.

Guns N' Roses due to release new album this year (allegedly) – For those of you who placed money on this bet: "There will be actual Democracy in China before GN'R release their new album Chinese Democracy" I'm afraid you lose. But on the flipside bets are now being placed on "How many riots will occur during the GN'R North American Tour after Axl Rose cancels a gig" with Over/Under line starting at 4.

Ringo Starr says he's finished with the public spotlight – Complaining of being bothered by incessant fan requests former Beatles drummer Ringo Starr he is officially through with the limelight. Public opinion is fiercely divided between "Ringo Starr is still alive?" and "Wasn't he drummer for The Beach Boys?"

The One Upside to the Financial Crisis – We've noticed we have not gotten any credit card offers in the mail since the Stock Market took a big ol' dump on the economy. Guess that's karma to all the banks and credit card companies that knowingly gave credit cards to people who could not pay it back so to trap them with Interest fees.I'm guessing on Dante's nine circles of hell, Credit Card executives will reside on the seventh level where they are doomed to an eternity of whenever they try to take a nap they're woken up by a telemarketer hawking balance transfers.

Channeling your 'Inner Gordon Ramsay' to settle Billing disputes – Recently, we had dispute over a hospital bill dating back to Julia's birth over the Pathology charge for the placenta. Apparently our insurance company believes you need referral to a Pathologist from your PCP, so evidently as my child was being born we were supposed to say 'Hey Doc, you mind bagging up all that bloody goo, I need to find Pathologist in the Yellow Pages".

Being of Scottish descent, I decided to unleash my inner Gordon Ramsay when the collection agency called. "Right, well about that payment, you can take it and (bleep) up your (bleep) and if there's any left you can (bleepity-bleep, bleep) up your Mom's (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep). And while were topic of (bleep) tell your (bleep) Pathology client to go find a (bleep) and (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, bleepity-bleep, bleep, bleep) where the Sun don't shine. Now I'm busy so PISS OFF!"

Worst Job in Publishing: Proofreader for Eninem's Autobiography – I figure the way to tell if the book was ghostwritten is by judging the text
On Sudden Fame – "So check it yo, like I pull up to the club and bitches' be all over me"
On Filming Videos – "So check it yo, it's like 4 in the morning and director is like we need another take so I go 'S**t man another one? I thought I'd be bangin' some ho right about now"
On Infamous confrontation with 'Triumph the Insult Comic Dog' at the 2003 VMA Awards - "So check it yo, like this puppet keeps harassing me at the show and ain't down with dogs talkin' s**t so I say 'Dog you better get away from me or I'll blow yo' ass up'

New Rule: News site must shut down the comment threads posted below any newsstory – I'm noticing an increasingly annoying trend where news sites will have a comment thread for every story and regardless of how innocuous which seems to be populated by internet blowhards who apparently have an opinion on everything.

Case in point: Checking local weather on Channel 6 Philly news site, I noticed 46 comments resulting from two idiots in an online argument whether it was yechnically Partly Cloudy or Partly Sunny. So with a raging Lewis Black type rant I responded with this comment:

"For the love of Christ! You're debating the God-D**N WEATHER! Who are you people? Where did you come from? Why have you infected my life? Do the authorities know about this? Somewhere an insane asylum is missing 2 of its patients! UHHHH……where is my bottle of Advil!"

Oprah Viewing Made Easy – I've decided as a public service to summarize an entire season's worth of Oprah and her endless narcissistic, celebrity ass kissing, pop-psychology garbage in a quick few bullet points to spare you from actually having to watch:
1. There is no such thing as Having It All unless you actually are Oprah so the key to life is making compromises and the key to happiness is making the right compromise at the right time.
2. If you're self-worth is tied into material possessions rather than personal relationships you may very well be a shallow person.
3. If you think plastic surgery or makeovers are the key to improving self-esteem then you may want to consider a much cheaper alternative like developing a personality.
4. Once past the age of 40 if you're chronically unhappy about your life, an assumption can be made that it's not someone else's fault so much as your own.
5. Chances are pretty good that the items on Oprah's 'Favorite Things' list are probably not her actual favorite things until an advertising agency pays for the product to be a 'Favorite Thing'.

Election Night News Coverage Viewing Made Easy – I've also decided as a public service to summarize the 2008 Presidential Election in a few quick bullet points to spare you a night's worth of stuffed-shirt, DC pundit, know-nothings babbling incessantly:
1. The only way for McCain to mathematically win the election is for the following scenario to happen: Somehow win (or steal) Pennsylvania which John Kerry won in 2004 and hold onto ALL of these formerly Bush states trending to Obama which are Ohio, Florida, Virginia, Indiana, Missouri, Colorado, and New Mexico.
2. The probability that McCain can pull it off as according to the polling supersite

www.fivethirtyeight.com is about 3% or (1 chance in 33).
3. For the statistically impaired, this would be same chance of a stripper's stage name actually being her real name.
4. So if the above scenario does not happen, all of the (Rednecks/Racists/Religious Right fanatics/Quasi-fascists/or insert your favorite Red State stereotype here) who've made McCain/Palin rallies look like the second coming of the KKK will have to refer to Obama as President (Muslim/Terrorist/Commie/Pinko/Starbucks Coffee drinking elitist/or insert your favorite Blue State stereotype here).
But whichever way you lean politically please do vote!

My Fearless Election Prediction – Because I'm sure your all waiting with fainted breath to find out who wins (or not):
Electoral Vote – Obama 318, McCain 220
Popular Vote – Obama 52%, McCain 46%, Other 2% (with most for the White Male Paranoia Libertarian Party)
US Senate – Democrats 56 seats, Republicans 44 seats
US House – Democrats 266 seats, Republicans 169 seats
New Jersey – Obama 59%, McCain 40%, Other 3% (with most for the write-in campaign for 'I got your vote right here…OHH!' )
Pennsylvania – Obama 50%, McCain 46%, Larry 'The Cable Guy' 4%