Who Should You Root for in the World Cup? Allow Me To Guide You

Well it's that time in the sporting cycle again where the average sports fan gets their one and only dose of soccer or as rest of the World calls it football and as obnoxious preppy hipsters in Brooklyn call it futbol. For rapid soccer fans the next few weeks will be like spending a month long orgy at Charlie Sheen's house. For the casual fan it may be a chance to watch something interesting on TV other than reruns, bottom feeding reality shows or meaningless baseball games.
 

So here's how it works, 32 of the top teams from around the World are placed into groups of four creating eight groups. The four teams in each group play round-robin style with the top 2 teams from each group advancing into the Sweet Sixteen and play single elimination until one country wins the whole thing and collectively has a party for the ages. Now here's the bad news for American soccer fans: The US soccer team is SCREWED. They've been placed in the so-called 'Group of Death' with Germany, Portugal, and Ghana all of whom are global powerhouses. Wait you say, Ghana? Yes Ghana. The same Ghana that knocked out the US out of the past two World Cups and was a missed penalty kick away from advancing to the semi-finals last time. So it's safe to say the US chance of winning is similar to Victoria Justice's aspiring singing career in that both can be described as Not.Gonna.Happen

So who to root for then? Let's start with the Top 16 teams based on an index of soccer history, FIFA rankings, mathematical algorithms....ohh who are we kidding it's combination of places I'd want to visit, places that sound cool, or just plain sentimental value

The Sweet Sixteen

Brazil - The name itself conjures up a party, and dancing and gorgeous beaches and beautiful people. There's a reason Duran Duran named a song called 'Rio' and not 'Bakersfield'


 

Mexico - Have you ever had authentic Mexican cuisine? Not the Amercianized version but the true cuisine. It would be my last meal on Earth

Spain - Because it houses the best place on Earth to die, Asturias. Googling images from Asturias is like travel porn. 






Costa Rica - One word. Beaches!

Australia - Sort of like how I would imagine America would be like if Britain had defeated George Washington

Greece - When I need a happy place at work to daydream to, I usually default to the Greek isles. Bonus points for the Gyro

Uruguay - Hands down the coolest uniform in the tourney. You can never go wrong wearing sky blue.

Plus their flag has a smiling Sun. It just seems like a happy place.

Maybe from being the first country in the World to completely legalize weed


England - Seeing as they supply the world with all the great actors they advance on that alone. Plus what man isn't a sucker for a woman with a British accent?

Italy - Rome, Tuscany, Milan, Venice, pasta yada, yada, yada we get it. Moving on

Bosnia-Herzegovina - Given everything this country has been through how can you not root for it?

Argentina - Is there any other word in the Spanish language more cooler than Gaucho? I don't think so. Plus the beef the gauchos produce is out of this World. (Yeah that's right Texas you heard me. You can suck a bull's testicle. You basically stole the cowboy image from Latin America)

Germany - Ummm, beer

Portugal - Scientific fact, everything sounds better in Portuguese

Belgium - Ummm, beer! And chocolate! But not together. That makes for horrendous time in the bathroom

South Korea - China may have the power, Japan may have the money and Hello Kitty. But South Korea brings the swagger.

Cameroon - Best nickname in the tourney 'The Indomitable Lions', plus the jerseys are so cool you go to the nightclub after you're done playing the game

Advancing to the Quarterfinals

Brazil - Must have some ungodly gene pool because it's the leading producer of Victoria's Secret supermodels


Spain - Sorry France but the title for best European cuisine goes to Spain. Tapas bars. Fucking Brilliant!

Australia - Sort of like how I would imagine America would be like if we all lived in California

Uruguay - Seriously can we talk about the sky blue unis? Stylish, sharp, sophisticated. I want to buy a major soccer club in Europe so I can change the uniforms to sky blue

England - Admit it, who hasn't secretly wanted to sarcastically address their boss in a London, Cockney accent with 'Hello Guv'nor'

Germany - Props for giving the World perhaps the greatest hot dog condiment, sauerkraut

Argentina - Buenos Aires. Because when's the last time someone said "I want to escape to somewhere sophisticated, trendy, worldly cosmopolitan, and beautiful. I need to get away to Oklahoma City"? Exactly

Cameroon - At some point I think we'd all want to see a nation from the African continent shock the World

Advancing to the Semi-Finals

Brazil - I always found it cool how the really good Brazilian players always go by just their first name: Pele, Ronaldo, Zico, Romario. This year's edition is Neymar. They probably never ever have to worry about getting into the good restaurants. Neymar would just walk in and when the maitre'd asks if he has a reservation, he could be like 'Reservation? Bitch I'm Neymar'
 
Australia - Sort of like how I would imagine Canada would be like if they had warm weather and were a lot more outgoing

England - Tough call as Germany almost squeaked in if not for their penchant for poop videos and marching in lockstep to 1940's military music. But seeing as England gave the World soccer..urr...football they get the win. Plus the clincher was perhaps the greatest smacktalk of all time when English fans reminded German fans 'Two World Wars and One World Cup!' Burn! Seriously how do you create a snappy comeback for that one?

Uruguay - No really. Those fucking sky blue uniforms! Seriously people how are you not winning at life when you wear that sky blue uniform?
 

The Finals
Brazil and Australia proved to be dogged battle as both have fish, plants and animals that can kill you. But the Aussies pull it out through a war of attrition as anytime I watch National Geographic specials about the Amazon my response is usually 'That's a big heaping pile of HELL NO!'


Sadly, the sky blue unis could not advance Uruguay past England as Emma Watson proves to be too much for the Uruguayan defense let alone any man to handle


So in the end it's Australia and England left standing

The Winner
Given England's history of excruciating defeats in the World Cup due to missed penalty kicks did you think this year's tournament would end any differently?


England in penalty kicks situations is like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football with Lucy holding: It Just Never Ends Well.

Australia tops England because of the narrowest of margins: the weather

So who will I be rooting for: Australia

Ukraine, Bridgegate Explained, and Scientific reason idiots always talk the loudest

In Geopolitics, just like in fashion, what was once old, eventually becomes new again -



This Spring's hottest trend is of course retro and no leader does it better than designer Vladimir Putin re-imagining Soviet sheek, by invading it's neighbors for fun and profit. Putin decided the must have item for his wardrobe was the Crimean Peninsula along the Black Sea, despite the little technicality of it being within the borders of Ukraine. His reasoning being since Ukraine didn't appear to doing anything useful with it anyways, why not just take it since not like Western leaders were not going to do anything to stop him. The Crimean crisis also illustrates how much clout the US has lost in Foreign Affairs as the strongest US response was a sternly worded letter from Barack Obama warning Putin to back out of Crimea or else he'll have to face wrath of Obama staring disapprovingly into a TV camera at a Rose Garden press conference. Russia's response was basically 'Oh no we can't unilaterally invade a country? Mean like you did Iraq?'



Oh poor, pitiful Ukraine. Obliterated in World War II, kicked in the teeth by Stalin, and then left with the toxic legacy of Chernobyl after the collapse of the USSR. And now it's at the point of starting to split into two as the Russian speaking, Industrialized East decides it's had enough of all the failing. If you thought America was sharply divided with the Red State vs. Blue State battle, we got nothing on Ukraine. It's like the sadsack classmate from high school who could never gets his shit together. It got to watch the other Eastern European nations rapidly improve socio-economically and start to enjoy a middle, upper class existence similar to its Western European neighbors while it fumbled through the 90's and 00's. If the Warsaw Pact countries had a class reunion, Ukraine would be the Stewart from Big Bang Theory of the group. So when people ask Ukraine asks how's it going, the response 'Well, my career prospects collapsed, I work cash register at Dunkin Donuts, my wife left me and took everything so I live at home with my Mom. But other than that I guess everything's fine. How about you?'

In other important global news...- Scarlett Johansson revealed to Glamour magazine that she does not like being called ScarJo because it's rude and immature. Reaction was generally split along gender with 90% of women saying in a sarcastic tone 'Uh, sure thing...ScarJo' and 95% of men 'responding 'ScarJo? I thought you meant Scar Hello, Hellllo!'



Bridgegate Explained for Non-New Jerseyites - To the average person who is not a political junkie nor lives in New Jersey, that little State wedged between New York City and Philadelphia like underwear between two large butt-cheeks. There is probably bafflement at all the hullaballo about the Gov.Chris Christie and the bridgegate.

For the uninitiated here's a recap, for about a week in September 2013, two lanes on the George Washington Bridge between Fort Lee, NJ and Manhattan were mysteriously closed causing four hour traffic jams for people trying to get into the City for work. Later it seeps out that it was political payback to the Mayor of Fort Lee, NJ as payback for not endorsing Christie in his upcoming Re-election for Governor.



To understand why this is a big deal, you have to understand New Jersey which is the most densely populated state in the country. This is demographic speak for you can't go anywhere without fucking people being around you. It's about 13 miles from my house to the commuter train station where I park and ride into Philly for work. According Google Maps it should take 20 minutes. But most rush-hours it can take anywhere from 35 to 60 minutes. Why? People. Fucking people everywhere. So when someone decides to shut down the busiest bridge in the World, it's gonna wreak havoc and there two things you do not do in New Jersey politics. First, you never blasphemy Bruce Springsteen or Jon Bon Jovi. Second, you do not screw with traffic.

But the wider implication is do we really want elected officials using public infrastructure as a hostage for either political payback or blackmail? Can you imagine the fury if a President started threatening States to withhold highway funding or disaster aid if they did not vote for him for re-election? That's something only third world countries do and should not be tolerated. Which might explain that flushing sound I keep hearing is Chris Christie's presidential aspirations going down the toilet.



Sometimes fitness obsessed people can be real dicks - SELF Magazine, the women's fitness magazine known for photoshopping celebrities on its cover, and recycling the same content roughly every six months managed to demonstrate why really super-obsessed, self-absorbed fitness fanatics are a mainstay on any Top 10 list involving annoying personality types. In the April 2014 issue, it's 'BS meter' pulled an awesome feat of being both bitchy and shallow when it chided the trend of people wearing tutus and being goofy during running events for the crime of (gasp) having trying to have fun while exercising. Because in the fitness obsessives' world, people who don't take exercising seriously and not in peak physical condition are not worthy to be in their presence at a gym, jogging path, bike lane, etc.





But the true jackpot of douche-baggery was the photo of the tutu wearing runner they used was a Brain Cancer survivor from a marathon to benefit other cancer patients. The only way that went worse if it was a picture from the Special Olympics. There were of course the usual quick succession of apologies and regrets, but for SELF editor Lucy Danziger it was too late and by end of March she and her editorial staff got shit-canned by Conde Nast. The number one reason people cite for not exercising at a gym or in public is because of the fear of being of judged. And who can blame anyone for fearing that, when it seems every gym has that pack of lunks and muscleheads who parade around the place like they own it clearly looking down at those a little out of shape or wanting to lose weight. If we want the nation to be healthier we can start by making fitness and exercise a judgement free endeavor.

Always notice how idiots manage to talk the loudest? -  My hatred and loathing for Jenny McCarthy is well documented stemming from the public health problem she created by starting the anti-vaccine movement. Who despite being refuted being mountains of growing evidence to the contrary still insists vaccines cause autism. Up until she's offered a gig on the The View has suddenly has monetary incentive become mainstream suddenly says 'Oh my kid was autistic after all, my bad'.



Well there's a scientific reason that helps explain these people, it's called the Dunning-Kruger syndrome and is defined in The Manual of Psychological Disorders as such:

'The tendency of the least informed, most willfully ignorant or in some cases just plain dishonest to insist they and they alone know and bravely speak the truth.'

Which explains your crazy uncle, most conspiracy theorists, the show 'Ancient Aliens', and that really talkative person on airplanes who tends to overshare. As much as we would love to equate this as some recent phenomenon caused by the internet allowing any blowhard with a keyboard spout off to anyone within earshot. The origins go back to essentially the beginning of mankind, meaning Jenny McCarthy et al, are basically the descendants of people who insisted the Sun revolved around the Earth despite evidence from Galileo and other breakthroughs from the Enlightenment era.

We all have a set of beliefs or thoughts about the World, but for me a mark of intelligence is when presented with new and compelling evidence, being willing and able to change an opinion or belief. Or more precisely, being open to considering new evidence or facts that challenge our beliefs. When humans shut down the ability to consider new ideas, they experience something called 'epistemic closure' where belief systems are locked in and set for the remainder of life causing them to gradually become detached from reality. Which explains often dealing with old people, who wax on about 'Well back in my day...' and also explains ignorance, prejudice, or insisting The Beach Boys were better than The Beatles. I honestly believe the key to long life is having healthy mind and being open to learning and exploring helps keep your mind young and vibrant.

In case you're not sick of political advertising, the Supreme Court has decided you need more - In yet another Supreme Court case where campaign finance law is slowly being undone,in FEC vs. McCutcheon, a 5-4 majority ruled that limits to the number of campaigns violated free speech, so now instead of being limited to $123,200 in overall campaign contributions, they can now pretty much give unlimited campaign contributions. At this point we might as well make bribery legal since the reason this country placed limits of money in elections is it's corrosive effect on democracy. This means Billionaires and corporations can go ahead and spend unlimited amounts of money and literally buy elections.



But if there is one silver lining it's that so far since campaign finance limits began to be upended in 2009 thanks to this Supreme Court (FEC vs. Citizen's United) money in elections may only have a small return on investment. In 2012 two Billionaire brothers, Charles and David Koch alone contributed over $400 million funneled through outside political groups to try to defeat Obama and win back the US Senate for Republicans. You may not know these outside political groups with names Americans for Prosperity or Crossroads GPS but you'll know their work, mainly in the form of obnoxious political commercials throughout the election period. But for all that money spent, the political consultants it bought may not be that smart.

Sure you can blanket the airwaves with TV commercials touting your cause but it doesn't matter when majority of American homes have a DVR and can skip right through them. Plus political money can't buy the internet either. So what did the Koch brothers get for their $400 million in 2012 seeing Obama got re-elected? Two things named Jack and Squat. Makes you wonder if it's all a con game by Washington operatives to sucker rich guys like the Kochs into essentially pissing away millions of dollars.

Ignorance foiled by Science. Again - Creationists who believe the Earth and the universe are only 6,000 years old based on a literal interpretation of the Bible are having some hurt fees-fees over Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson and his new show Cosmos which explains the Universe using you know science and not taking their theories seriously. As someone who believes in God and Evolution, I have no problem reconciling science with faith. But for those still left in the Flat Earth Society, Dr.Tyson was there put that 6,000 year old smacktalk down.



Above is the Crab Nebula, a supernova remnant of an exploded star. Pretty ain't it. If you wanted to see it in person, you'd need a lot of time, like several millenniums worth, because it's over 6,500 light years away. If I understand my Astrophysics correctly a light year is the distance (expressed in time) that light or radiation emitted from an object in Space takes to be visible here on Earth. To give you a little comparison, light from the Sun takes eight light MINUTES to reach Earth. When you're sunbathing this Summer, remember those rays took eight minutes to traverse 92,935,700 miles to shine upon your pretty little face. Now compare that to the Abell galaxy, the farthest known galaxy from Earth at over 13.5 Billion years away.

 

And keep this in mind when you're looking at the Crab Nebula from a telescope, because it's 6,500 light years old, you're really looking at the way it looked 6,500 years ago. What shape is it now, well you'll have to wait 6,500 years to find out. So Creationists believe the universe is only 6,000 years? Seeing as 6,500 > 6,000 Dr.Tyson says 'Nah, bro'. Besides if you're gonna hate on Dr. Tyson, do it because he was on the panel of Astronomers who delisted Pluto as a planet. Pluto not a planet? Bullshit. Yeah it's just a frozen rock orbiting our solar system, but at least it has personality. Not like Neptune that's just of blue ball of gas.  

Since I'm feeling really wonky about Astronomy - This past Fall Voyager 1, a space probe launched by NASA back in 1977 exited our solar system and entered Outer Space. Like outer, outer space. So a shout out to that little buddy, and may you live long and prosper. One of the chores of Voyager was to carry a golden disk containing sounds and information about Earth in the event Extra-terrestrials ever came across it. Sort of a 'Hello there, if your ever in our corner of the galaxy, come on by and see us sometime' Not to throw cold water on anyone hoping for alien contact but so far it's taken 37 years just to get to end of our solar system and so far, nothing, nada.

 

The nearest Earth like star that could contain life is Gilese 581, about 10 light years away. Since a light year is equal to 50 actual years, it's more like 500 years away. So the idea that aliens are visiting us probably isn't possible (I say 'probably' because there are no certainties in life. Like it was probable Miley Cyrus would not have career after Hannah Montana) unless they have really, really long lifespans or have mastered the art of hyperdrive like in Star Wars. Besides I think Stephen Hawking said it best

"We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet. I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach.If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn't turn out very well for the Native Americans."

It's Your Completely Unnecessary Guide to the 2014 Oscars

First something of a disclaimer, back in college when I had something called free time and could engage my cinephile hobby. I would have seen every movie and performance on this list and could have given you complete breakdown of each category. But alas adult responsibility came along now I'm limited to occasional Netflix and anything playing on basic cable. So in full disclosure I really haven't seen many of the nominees, BUT that's OK. Because I suspect many of the actual Oscar voters have not either and at least I have the integrity to admit it.



The likelihood of winning is measured in 'Jack' units or how many Jack Daniels drinks you would need to consume to get the swagger of Jack Nicholson before appearing on stage ranging from 0 representing Just Happy To be Here, to 4 meaning grab your sunglasses, smirk, and the thank you list cause your headed to the podium baby! The 'Jack' units will appear in the ( ) along side nominee and each category ranked most to least likely. 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Lupita Nyong'o 12 Years a Slave (3.5)
Jennifer Lawrence American Hustle  (3.5)
Julia Roberts August: Osage County (1)
Sally Hawkins Blue Jasmine (0)
June Squibb, Nebraska (0)




This category is basically two person horserace between Nyong'o and Lawrence. Not over who takes home the statue but who do you want to be your imaginary BFF in a battle of who can out-cute one another and be the aww..shucks she's just so adorable she's America's sweetheart. Key moment will be when Lawrence admits she just let out a fart on the red carpet and the entertainment media eats up because they just love her candor. How will Nyong'o counter: Will she admit she just blew up the bathroom after eating Taco Bell? When she is in the shower and has to pee, she just let's it go?

Fun Bonus Fact #1: How big is the Oscar night in LA? The phrase 'Do you know who I'am' gets uttered most on this night in any given year than on any other day

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club (4)
Bradley Cooper, American Hustle (1.5)
Michael Fassbender 12 Years a Slave (1)
Barkhad Abdi, Captain Phillips (1)
Jonah Hill, The Wolf of Wall Street (0)



Pretty much the clear winner here is Leto. Not for the suburb performance in Dallas Buyer's Club, but for dating Lupita Nyong'o because when you're dating Lupita Nyong'o you pretty much win at life. At this point even Bradley Cooper will have to bow down saying 'Well played, sir, well played indeed'. Rest are just there to follow George Clooney and learn from the master.

Fun Bonus Fact #2: Long forgotten Sheen son Emilio Estevez will actually be part of the ceremonies. He'll be working the night shift cashier at the Shell gas station down the street from the Auditorium

BEST ACTRESS

Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine (3.5)
Amy Adams, American Hustle (1)
Sandra Bullock, Gravity (0)
Judi Dench, Philomena (0)
Meryl Streep, August: Osage County (0)



The biggest surprise coming out of Blue Jasmine was 'Holy Shit!, that's Andrew Dice Clay?' The second biggest surprise was 'Holy Shit! Louis CK is a serious actor!?' So it was easy to overlook Blanchett's performance but she deserves the statue for being able to make Woody Allen seem only slightly less creepy. Of course should be no surprise since Blanchett demonstrates more acting range reading from a phone book than most young actresses who would sleep outside and not shower for weeks when trying to play the same role of a rich socialite descending into homelessness.

BEST ACTOR

Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club (3)
Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years a Slave (2.5)
Bruce Dern, Nebraska (2)
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf of Wall Street (1)
Christian Bale, American Hustle (0)

And after a 20 year career and four Oscar nominations, Leonardo DiCaprio finally hits paydirt....HAHAHA...Just Kidding!



At this point I think the Academy voters just like to fuck with him, sort of the way Lucy dangles that football in front of Charlie Brown. Nah the real competition centers on three common archetypes in a acting category: First, the breakthrough of pretty boy/action/rom-com star to SERIOUS actor this year filled by McConaughey who has come a long way from playing naked bongo in his Texas mansion. Second is the blazing newcomer, this year filled by Ejiofor, despite being a rookie laid down some serious gravitas. Lastly, the sentimental favorite whom the Academy wants to recognize before he dies this year filled by of Bruce Dern who always seems cast as the old, cranky guy. Tough call as is anyone's race but edge has to go to McConaughey whose brilliant performance in the TV series True Detective has to be getting notice by Oscar voters. Assuming of course the Hollywood retirement homes have HBO. 

BEST DIRECTOR

Alfonso Cuarón, Gravity (3.5)
Steve McQueen, 12 Years a Slave (2.5)
David O. Russell, American Hustle (1)
Alexander Payne, Nebraska (0.5)
Martin Scorsese, The Wolf of Wall Street (0)

Normally when people throw up in theaters it's either because of a food borne illness at the concession stand or typical response to a Jennifer Lopez movie. But Alfonso Cuaron's film about astronauts getting in lost in space which was filmed in long, panoramic sequences was so life like that people were getting motion sickness. Also notable for Cauron's film is a rare George Clooney flick that does not involve him banging somebody. Martin Scorsese is like the venerable old uncle you always have to acknowledge at the dinner table at Thanksgiving. He could make a airplane safety instructional video and he would get nominated. 

BEST PICTURE

12 Years a Slave (3)
American Hustle (2.5) 
Gravity (1)
Dallas Buyers Club (1) 
Captain Phillips / Nebraska / The Wolf of Wall Street (1)
Her / Philomena (0)

Statistical guru Nate Slver who has accurately within 0.5% correctly predicted the past two Presidential elections recently provided a statistical analysis on Best Picture winners in Vanity Fair based on Internet Movie Database. The Top 5 IMDB tags for a best picture winner were 1) Blockbuster (54.7%) 2) Murder (44.2%), 3) Based on Novel (40.7%), 4) Title Spoken by Character (40.7%), 5) Contains a Love and/or Friendship Story (39.5%)

If we use process of elimination we rule out Her, Nebraska, Philomena, The Wolf of Wall Street because they do not contain any of the five elements. Next up we rule out those only meeting one criteria, Gravity (Blockbuster) and Dallas Buyers Club (love/Friendship). Now that leaves with three movies left. Captain Phillips was a blockbuster and based on a novel giving meeting two of the categories, while American Hustle filled in three categories (Blockbuster, Murder, and has a love story). It also has Jennifer Lawrence in a nighty and Amy Adams looking hot which normally....




....My God (wipes sweat from brow) would be enough for anyone to merit Best Picture along with holy hell is it getting hot in here.

But 12 Years a Slave manages check off all five categories thus your highest probability to take home Best Picture

Bonus Fun Fact #3: IMDB was originally created in the late 80's by British computer geek and called it 'Those Eyes' so he and fellow geeks could track the hot actresses they liked. But it a was private database until they were persuaded to release it on the web in 1993 when one of them got married and grew tired of his wife asking 'Where have I seen that actor before? C'mon you oughta know. He was that movie with that guy who does that thing....oh it's on the tip of my tongue.

The Worst Christmas Songs, Statistics gets sexy, and Praise for Women with Curves

Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer shows us our grandparents were sort of dicks way back when - Surely if you have kids undoubtedly Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer will be in your future viewing this Christmas. A heartwarming tale of misfits and oddballs who find acceptance after rescuing Christmas. It also shows grownups were kinda dicks back in the day.

The 1964 stop gap animation is actually fairly subversive because it critically critiqued several norms that were prevalent at the times:

- Discrimination against appearance (Rudolph), gay people (Herbie), the disabled (the misfit toys), the eccentrics (Yukon Cornelius), hairy people (Abominable Snowman), and dentists (‘WHHAAATT! Herbie doesn’t want to make toys!!!)

- Mindless conformity (because you did not want to be one ‘THOSE’ elves)

- Women belong in the kitchen (the insinuation being a doe should sit on the sidelines during reindeer practice and bat her eyelashes to impress the boys and generally just keep her mouth shut)

Maybe it’s coincidence the film premiered right on the eve of the modern Civil rights movement, the hippie movement, and feminism all of which upended those societal norms a decade later, But it appears to at least hit the nail on the head that excluding people from contributing to society based on superficial differences is sort of stupid. Rudolph the RedNosed Reindeer civil rights trailblazer, who knew?

The 5 Worst Christmas Songs (My Definitive List) - A war on Christmas? Hardly. Considering most pop radio stations have been 24 hour Christmas songs since Halloween, I’d say Christmas has won. But after suffering through long car rides of what can be horrendous music (for the kids, you know) here is the definitive list of the all-time worst Christmas songs.

1.Grandma Got run Over By a Reindeer - Assuming your grandma is sweet as pie and you love your grandma, who would actually find this song endearing? So grandma drank too much eggnog, forgot to take her medication, stumbled out of her house drunk and got runover by reindeer. That’s nice. Sounds like a newswire that would come out of Florida, except instead of a reindeer, it would be a meth’d up tweeker who stole an 18 wheel semi-truck.

2. Christmas Shoes - Imagine a song so sappy, saccharine, and loaded with artificial flavoring of emotion that is causes you to succumb into a Diabetic coma. My hand cannot move to the dial fast enough.

3. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Great message to send to kids. Mommy having an affair with some guy in a Santa Claus suit.

4. Any Xmas song by the Jackson 5 - Given the family history, do we want to imagine what Christmas was like for the Jackson kids growing up? With Joe Sr. telling everyone to be merry or jolly in front of the microphones or there were going to be belt whippings afterward.

5. Any Xmas song by Frank Sinatra - Don't get me wrong I’m actually a huge fan of the rat pack and if I could go back in time I would see ol Blue Eyes holding court at the legendary Sands hotel in Vegas. But most of his Christmas songs were probably recorded at his Palm Springs home while some groupie was giving him a blow job.

Miley Cyrus should probably put her tongue back her mouth - Not to be a killjoy but here is a short list of diseases that can contracted by licking things courtesy of Jezebel


1.African Sleeping Sickness
2.Cholera
3.Hepatitis
4.Flu (regular or Swine)
5.Herpes
6.Measles
7.Yellow Fever
8.Dysentery
9.SARS
10.Bubonic plague

What happens when the worlds of porn and statistics collide? - You get the love child of this very awesome, insightful, albeit NSFW social science research (if at work get your boss button ready no nudity but some adult content)

Apparently in what might be the greatest job a research analyst can have, pornhub (think YouTube for adult videos) has hired a bunch of data geeks to crunch internet traffic numbers and provide some great data below.

Here are your key takeaways:
- Average time on the site was 10 minutes meaning people typically cut straight to chase as they logged on, got off and then actually logged off fairly quickly explaining the disappearance of storylines or dialogue from most adult movies nowadays.

- Heaviest users were in the South belying its reputation as the Bible Belt. I guess that belt gets used in other ways when not in church

- When breaking down the data by category, creampies (not the Little Debbie variety) were the porn genre preferred in the largest amount of states. Several states were into some kinky shit as Wyoming preferred ‘smoking’ videos, Kentucky loved ‘Hentai’, and Nevada preferring a specific porn star named Anita Queen

Top category viewed by State

- Porn use dropped significantly during the Holidays as Christmas caused 27% of Americans to zip up their pants. Globally porn use dropped 22% with UK feeling most guilty decreasing 32%. Though Japan could not be bothered with Christmas as their use increased 8%


- The introduction of the iPad increased porn site use by 9% in the US and 10% worldwide attributed to allowing users to sneak off to the bathroom during work and crank one out. One question remained was how do you masturbate with an iPad when you have to hold it with one hand while using the other to….. oh never mind. Perhaps Apple’s next greatest invention will be the iWank


A Children's Treasury of Passive Aggressiveness - It never really takes much effort to be an asshole, but there is something to be said for people strive to take it to the next level









In Praise of Women with Curves - Dear women, Men everywhere would like you to know we really wish you would stop obsessing over weight. We know thanks to some lunk named Maria Kang who recently gained infamy posting herself on Facebook all buff while basically fat shaming women everywhere with her 'What's Your Excuse' bullshit you might be feeling bad about yourself. But the silent majority of us who are not narcissistic would like you to know a few things:



1. Men who have grown mature and think independently know beauty comes in all colors, shapes and sizes - Sure back when puberty set in we looked at our Cindy Crawford/Alyssa Milano (or insert any pin up of the era) poster and thought we could never date anyone who wasn't supermodel worthy. Then when wisdom gradually replaced stupidity we learned about airbrushing and realized most of those posters and images of the perfect women depicted in the media were not real. So as we actually met and interacted with real girls we realized true beauty isn't reflected in a perfect face or size 0 waistline. Those of us who did manage to date one of the 'pretty' people soon realized personality ultimately matters because the 'pretty' people also tend to be the most boring. Ever wonder why guys could cheat on a supermodel? Because not even a pretty face on a skinny body can save a dull conversation.

2. During the Renaissance era, women who were curvy  and voluptuous were held as the ideal beauty depicted in an art movement called Rubenesque - Curves were coveted because they were seen as soft and feminine while a few extra pounds were seen as healthy and vital. So guys admiring curvy women are really adhering to a centuries old beauty standard.


3.Women with curves are awesome in bed - You read that right. We never understood guys who had a thing for the Olsen twins because you might as well be making love to a broomstick with a blond wig. Experienced men know you have not had awesome sex until you’ve been with an voluptuous woman who knew how to how use her curvy body to where they leave you speechless.

4.Guys have Weight Issues Too - Around oh say 30 the metabolism starts slowing and we see it in our waistline and cheeks, thus thoughtful guys also realize it just happens with age thus who are we to judge. So why should you worry about what we think? There can be thing of being too overweight but when guys exercise and diet it’s usually to get healthier, not to look good in a speedo.

5. Guys know diet and exercise is important, but so is having fun - So Mr.Buffguy Fitness Fanatic you work out 20 hours a week at the gym, carefully count your calories, and even weigh your feces (yes there are people who do this) to look like a modern day Adonis. Good for you! Who cares!
You can have that muscle milk, protein powder, super energy drink crap you drink 10 times a day (which in all honestly looks like gigantic glass of horse semen). The rest of us will head out to a good restaurant and have a good time our friends. Or spend time with our kids. Or have a life. See you at the gym Monday morning.

6. There is no trait more unattractive in a woman than one who is judgmental - Used to be my rule on a first date was how a woman treated waiters, servers, etc other people often was deal breaker or maker for a next date because that gave a big insight into their personality. Women who criticize other women are vain, petty, and superficial making a huge turn-off to normal guys. Men who date and marry shallow women are usually vain, petty, and superficial themselves (see Heidi and Spencer) and sadly procreate a subrace of human assholes.

7. True gentlemen can’t stand people who fat shame and judge, especially from our own gender - Because men who achieve tangible success in life don’t need to put down other people to make themselves feel better. Successful men don’t go on the internet to insult or harass women about their weight or looks. The strain of vile DNA that explains all internet trolls is they are emotionally retarded adults whose maturity stunted somewhere in grade school. Think about how pathetic it is that a grown man has to insult people to make himself feel better because they have nothing in life to be proud of.
 
It’s almost comical that many men who fat shame women are extremely unattractive themselves. The irony is that in the same vain many vile homophobes are actually self-hating, closeted homosexuals, many of the male fat shamers are overweight or obese themselves. So calling women fat somehow makes it in their own mind that they are not fat.

In short to all women who may feel bad about their waistline: Just be sexy, be fabulous, be confident, be you. Consequently good and honest people will naturally gravitate to you!