It's Your 2012 Rossy Awards!!!!

These awards originated out of my fraternity from college, and celebrated all of our best (or worst) moments drunkenness, debauchery, and just plain moments of stupidity. Today we're grown up and so to have The Rossys as we hand out to celebrate best in salacious achievements throughout the World!

The Prestigious Rossy

The Anthony Weiner Award for best use of a cell phone camera - Philadelphia traffic judge William 'Big Willie' Singletary decided the best way to get out of a impending parking ticket was to show the meter maid a cell phone picture of his junk and let it do the talking for him. Needless to say 'Little Willie' was not persuasive enough for the meter maid who still gave him the ticket or the State of Pennsylvania who removed him from the bench for lewd conduct.

Best Cross Dressing Moment Not Seen On RuPaul's Drag Star - A 24 year-old male in Savannah, GA was arrested for a string of car thefts in the area where he, while dressed in a wig, makeup, and women's clothing would test drive the car then not return. It was sort of like Volkswagon's Sign and Drive event except for the part where (s)he would sign to buy the car. Police found the dude (who looked like a lady) because he left his driver's license (not in drag) with his(her) actual address. Though the the car theft crime spree was ended at only three, as a consolation the Savannah Police spokesman noted 'He actually doesen't make a bad looking woman', so there was that.

Best Law Enforcement Moment Not Seen on 'Cops' - A 27 year-old woman in Middletown, CT called police to report she had been a victim of fraud. Namely that was she given given the anti-depressant Seroquel instead of the pain-killer Percocet from some local teens during an illegal prescription drug transaction. Shortly afterwards as local police were announcing a major bust of a prescription pain-killer traffiking ring run by local teens, they noted it all started with a non-rhetorical question 'What are you high?'

Best Culinary Moment Not Captured On The Food Network - A man upset over the long wait for his food order at a Denny's restaurant in San Antonio, TX decided to voice his dissatisfaction by going one step further than just speaking with the manager but setting fire to the Christmas tree in the lobby and subsequently burning down the restaurant. No one was hurt but said arsonist did get away presumably without ever getting his Grand Slam breakfast with a side bacon that he just had to have. Food writers noted that the best step to avoid slow service and poor food was choosing not to eat at a Denny's in the first place.

Best Sports Moment Not Captured on ESPN - Detroit Red Wings minor league hockey prospect Riley Sheahan was arrested in Grand Rapids, MI for drunk driving with a blood alcohol level of .31 which was over three times the legal limit. However more concerning to the Red Wings organization was he arrested while dressed in a full size teletubby suit as the character Tinky Winky plus the fact it wasn't even Halloween.


The Willard Scott Award for most akward weather forecast moment - On February 19, the weather forecast in Britain was its fairly, usual dismal self with snow in Scotland and northern England, and near freezing tempratures for Wales and Southern England. And of course rain everywhere, since when does it not rain on the British Isles. For BBC1 10:00 newscast, weatherman Alex Deakin summed it all up as 'bucketloads of c**t' (which in polite circles is referred to as 'C yoU Next Tuesday'). On a possibly related note many pubescent teenagers were seen outside after the forecast, looking upward and asking if anyone see it yet?

The Best Moment In Drunken Hookup Failure - Police in Panama City, FL were called to a home by a 15 year-old girl who dialed 911 because her 36 year old Mom was having sex too loudly with her new boyfriend in the next room. No charges were filed since there no statute for anything that falls under the 'Ewww, that's gross' realm and complainant's mother had already been advised to 'get a room' at the bar earlier.

The Happy Hour Went An Hour Too Long Award - A man in Hull, England angry for being tossed out of a bar for smoking decided to express his anger to management by returning an hour later with a running chainsaw. In what could only be described as one hell of a nicotine fit, the gentleman smoker managed to reduce most of the pub's fine Oak paneled bar top to a pile of firewood in the span of about five minutes before police could arrive to stop the 'English Pub Chainsaw Massacre'. Afterward friends of the chainsaw bandit noted they were always a little hesitant to bum a cigarette off him.

Best Fight (Non-Drinking Category) - Three daycare workers in Dover, DE were arrested for running a fight club in the day care using pre-schoolers as combatants and included actual betting on the victors. In a related note, the same workers were also nominated for the Worst People Ever award.

Best Fight (Drinking Category) - British MP (Member of Parliament) Eric Joyce was banned from the pub inside the House of Commons and fined 3,000 pounds after headbutting a fellow MP in a disagreement over Scottish politics which ironically in Scottish parlance is also known as a 'Glasgow handshake'. Political commentators and pundits disagreed on the potential fallout for Mr.Joyce since the incident involved two of the three things Scottish love: drinking, fighting, and soccer.

Best Beat Down by a fictional character - In Seattle a intoxicated man was beaten up by a group of little people dressed as Leprechauns for dancing with one their women (a banshee perhaps?) and annoyingly asking them where he could find a pot of gold. The insuing brawl left the full sized man bloody and bruised and said leprechauns disappeared into the June night possibly by hopping a rainbow back to Ireland. General Mills confirmed Lucky the Leprechaun from their Lucky Charms had not gone rogue and the grumpy old troll from Dora the Explorer also had an alibi. So the biggest mystery is what leprechauns were doing in Seattle in Summer, so in response police advised revelers downtown 'Be Wary Ye Travelers'

Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - In the supply and demand economics of marijuana sales, a parolee in Florence, SC found himself with a common problem among drug dealers, what happens when you have too much product? His solution was to offer the excess bud to his cell phone contacts. Among those in his contact list offered a good deal on the weed was the man's parole officer, who accepted the offer to score some discounted weed sent some police officers over to complete the transaction and the arrest which violated his parole and sent him back to prison.

The John McEnroe Anger Management Award - A man in Newport, VT after being released from jail for arrests on drug possession and resisting arrest decided he still had some unfinished business with police. Still fuming over his arrest the man returned to the station with a monster truck and proceeded to smash all 7 of the department's patrol cars before speeding off in something right out of a monster truck show. Police were unable to mount a pursuit because all of the patrol cars were completely destroyed. In quite possibly the understatement of the year, a resident named 'bigfoot' when interviewed by Howard Stern radio show described the assailant as 'one crazy motherfucker'

Best Riot (Not involving European Soccer fans or a Chuck E Cheese) - Sending out e-vites on Facebook can be quite convenient. For a 16 year old teen in Haren, Netherlands whose parents were going out of town, seemed like a good idea to invite a few friends over for some beer and typical teenager hijinks. Unfortunately she accidentally made the e-vite public as in ALL of Facebook and teenagers being teenagers (which is to say being assholes just for the sake of being assholes) made it a point to spread news of the party to as many people as possible on social media dubbing it Project X similar to the movie.

The end result was 6,000 people showed up for the intimate gathering at the girl's house. When told to leave, the crowd took the party elsewhere, mainly to the town square where the party devolved into looting, arson, and ultimately a drunken confrontation with a hundred riot police. When the night was over 34 people were arrested, several injured, and several hundred thousand dollars damage. Not to mention the 16 year old whose party invite started it found herself being in REALLY, REALLY REALLY big trouble with her parents.

The Charlie Sheen Award for epic achievement in partying - The German Men's field hockey team decided to celebrate a Gold medal in the London Olympics by renting out a party boat to cruise the River Thames. Apparently the resulting party was host to some serious bro antics because the German team got a damage bill for 630,000 British pounds. Among the damages were stains from champagne (among other things), holes burned in the apostrophe from cigars, and literally a ton of broken glass from beer bottles. Plus the German ingratiated themselves to their British hosts by urinating in the river and there may or may not have been prostitutes on board.

The Fly The Friendly Skies Award - VietJet airlines (when you want to fly Vietnam in style!) was fined a whopping 20 million dong (actually it's only $960 in American dollars) for staging a bikini/strip show on a flight from Ho Chi Minh City to Nha Trang. The impromptu strip show was not normally part of the flight though many passengers would consider an upgrade over stale peanuts. The Rossy committee would like to acknowledge that fact Vietnam's currency is named 'dong' when combined with any sort of element of stripping is guaranteed comedy.

The Silvio Burlusconi Award for best in politician hootenanny - Wang Minsheng, head of the Communist Party of the Lijiang povince in China saw his budding career come to abrupt halt after tweeting pictures of himself involved in a six person orgy. Reportedly in addition to the disgrace of resigning, Wang had to endure people who would hum the classic 80's song 'Everybody WANG Chung tonight....' whenever he was around.

Most.Unnattractive.Orgy.Ever

The Biggest, Most Massive Twitter #FAIL of the Year - In our new category this year, the Rossy committee introduces the biggest Twitter #FAIL of the year. In what arguably is the most competitive category seeing as millions of people on Twitter and everyday so many managing to make themselves look like a twat for tweeting something stupid. It truly takes a tweet of unbelievable ignorance, ego, or vapidity or some combination of all three to truly claim this award.

This year we recognize @CelebBoutique who sent out this tweet an hour after the Aurora, CO mass shooting at a movie theater that killed 12 people:

Someone forgot to check the news before tweeting

AND FINALLY WITHOUT FURTHER ADO...

The Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee of 2012 - The good people of Kingston, Ontario like to kick off the Holidays with the Eastern Ontario Santa Claus Festival. A joyous event featuring hot chocolate, Christmas trees, and of course a parade featuring the big man himself. However this year the Grinch made an unannounced visit in the form of a 24 year-old intoxicated man who dressed up as Satan complete with spikey hair for horns. This grinch then went around to every kid he saw and broke the news there actually is no Santa Claus and topped it off by running onto the parade and flipping Santa the middle finger during the parade.

Police update

In this modern adaptation of the Grinch, he gets arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. However, no charges can make up for destroying the Christmas dreams of dozens of little kids in Eastern Ontario. For this however please join the Rossy committee as we applaud this fine act of debauchery as he joins other notable winners in this circle of honor:

2011 - Charlie Sheen for WINNING
2010 - Man who masturbated to a Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit issue in the magazine aisle at Wal-Mart in Florida.
2009 - Man in Cairns, Australia who broke into sex shops and 'utilized' sex dolls then put them back in the box
2008 - Ernest Borgnine who told Fox and Friends on live television the secret to longevity was masturbating a lot.

12 Days of Christmas, Curse of the Reply All Button, and how The Roadrunner explains the election

First off, on a serious note - Most of you who know me or read me know my blog is primarily driven with some current events, some data wonkery, but mostly levity and humor. Obviously after the horrific tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut at Sandy Hook Elementary there is no way to even attempt any humor but I feel before proceeding with my usual gluttony of snark I wanted express my prayers and condolences to those families who lost loved ones in the massacre.

Working in public health I tend to view mass shootings through the lense of an Epidemiologist or Sociologist. Which is to say studying the interaction of several factors that combine to create this tragedy and treat it as a public health problem. What these crimes represent is the lethal intersection of two things: people with serious, untreated mental illness who have easy availability to lethal firearms. I could write a thesis but here are just a few quick thoughts:

- We can call the shooter crazy because nobody in their right mind wakes up one day and says casually 'Hmm.. you know what I feel like doing today? Killing a lot small kids.' What separates Adam Lanza and the 27 other previous mass shooters from say a mafia hitman is that that the mafioso kills with a specific intent and purpose. Plus that purpose is rational (bump off competition, kill a informant, etc.). Plus the mob had a code, no killing of women, children, or innocents. Not saying it's morally right, just saying it's rational. These no mass shooters on the other hand had no rational basis for what they did.

- We have a mental health problem in this country because we lack a sufficient mental healthcare system in this country. Our choice is to create an extensive mental health safety net through expanding Medicaid and mandating private insurance coverage for it. Yes that involves higher taxes and premiums, but the alternative is the societal cost of lives lost in mass shootings like the Sandy Hook massacre by lunatics where a mental health safety net could have intervened and prevented them from harming others.

- We need to destigmatize mental illness. Just as someone can't help having the Genetic diseases or Cancer, neither can someone help having Bi-Polar depression or personality disorder. Why view mental healthcare different from regular healthcare?

- People collectively in what I call the American gun culture (sellers, manufacturers, and owners) need to understand we can no longer pretend that the erosion of gun control over the past 20 years which facilitated easy accessibility to powerful firearms without any accountability where they end up did not play any role in this tragedy. The gun industry has pushed for laws which make getting high powered firearms and ammunition easier than getting Advil Cold and Sinus. They also wanted repeal of the Assault Weapon Ban, they got it, but an unintended consequence is the mentally deranged and criminals having access to semi-automatic weapons to commit violence. The gun industry bears some responsibility in how those weapons are used.

- To all the armchair commandos stating if we simply arm all Americans with concealed weapons in public we can stop mass shootings. To a non-gun owner that sounds like a extraordinarily idiotic idea.

- The biggest threat to responsible gun owners may end up being the Nat'l Rifle Association (NRA) itself. For the past 30 years it has turned into a conspiracy factory ginning up fear and paranoia among gun owners for the profit and gain of gun manufacturers. It's also been the most powerful lobbying presence in Congress.

- However post Sandy Hook feels like a paradigm shift or tipping point because the NRA will be going up against a much more powerful group: The Mom lobby. There's going to be a conversation about gun violence after this incident so the gun industry would be wise to choose their words and pick their battles very carefully, because now might be a good time to compromise on a few things. Finally to quote Dennis Miller: 'Of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong'

It Is Now Officially Impossible To Have An Affair - Remember when they said technology would make life less complicated and more simpler? Try telling that to Gen. David Petraeus who had to resign as head of the CIA over an affair which was discovered through what else? e-mail. When our head spy, the man in charge of keeping the nation's secrets can't even keep his own affair secret we can now pronounce 'in the 21st Century it is impossible to have an affair so let's not even try'. It also doesn't help when your lover (who is not your wife) threatens another woman (who also not your wife) because she's perceived as getting too friendly. Who would've thought a participant in an affair would lack self-control?

(Petraeus Flowchart if you need it)

FUN BONUS FACT - All things considered, Petraeus was doing a good job as CIA director and some thought he should not have to resign simply due to a sex scandal. If you want to know how uptight Americans are about sex, there is a legendary story among people in the intelligence community about the time the Soviets tried to blackmail a French Ambassador in Berlin, Germany during the Cold War. Presented with photos of himself in an compromising position during an affair, the French Ambassador was told to either spill sensitive information to the KGB or risk having the photos released to the French media and his wife. Without missing a beat, the Ambassador replies 'Well then I'll take one of these, and two of those. And send this one to the media, it has my good side.'

When Bad 'Reply All' Things Happens To Good People - Microsoft announced for its new e-mail package Outlook it will allow the option to disable the 'Reply All' button. This is welcome news to anyone in an office because nothing pisses off co-workers than getting 20 unwanted responses to an mass e-mail because people hit 'Reply All' instead of just 'Reply' to the original sender. It's also good news for an New York University (NYU) student who replying to an standard administration e-mail (RE:Opting Out of Your 1098T') about tax forms accidentally hit Reply All...as in all 39,979 NYU students.

In what became known around University circles as 'The Replyallcalypse' many of the other recipients decided to do what any college student with ample free time, beer, and keyboard would do..be a dick and hit Reply All to give their two cents. Replies varied from Nicolas Cage film clips, asking to borrow everything from movies, to pencils, to weed and finally ending in death threats to whomever Replied All again. It got so out of hand that NYU had to shut down their e-mail server until it could delete the Reply All responses and disable it from being used mass e-mails.

Now that Fantasy Football is over, it's time for an new fantasy league - I'd like to submit my idea for the Fantasy Celebrity Arrest League. A fun game adults and children can play and unlike football will last all year long! It works like this, you and your friends pick a starter celebrity like you would for various football positions from various categories of entertainment who are most likely to get arrested or do something stupid. When they do you earn points and whoever has the most points at the end of the year wins...absolutely nothing...except the glory of being able to predict human behavior. So here's how my fantasy celebrity roster would look like:

Actress: Amanda Bynes (back-up Lindsay Lohan)
Actor: Gary Busey (back-up Charlie Sheen)
Comedian: Katt Williams (back-up Andy Dick)
Singer: Chris Brown (back-up LeAnn Rimes)
Athlete: Ryan Leaf (back-up Pacman Jones)
Reality Star: Steve O from JackAss, (any cast member from Jersey Shore)
Team category: Real Housewives Of Orange County

Don't Look Now, But Nazism May Be Making a Comeback In Europe - Over in Greece which has been on the verge of economic collapse since financial crisis they recently had an election and a political party called the Golden Dawn won 7% of the popular vote. That normally would not be cause for concern except it would be the American equivalent of a Ku Klux Klan or Neo-Nazi Party winning 7% of Congressional seats. As documented in GQ by Chris Heath, when not running for election The Golden Dawn members in their free time enjoy the ethnic cleansing of various neighborhoods in Greek cities by burning down the homes of non-Greek immigrants and intimidating them to flee. Which is much like infamous Nazi 'brown shirts' or Sturmabteiling in who did the same to Jewish neighborhoods in pre-war Germany.

And here are some other disturbing similarities to Pre-War Germany:
- Golden Dawn attracts many young members where Greeks under 25 where unemployment is over 50%
- Their flag bears an eerie resemblance to the Nazi Schwastica
- Their growth feeds off the economic upheaval in Greece
- They like to scapegoat Greece's immigrant community for all the country's troubles
- Greece is not exactly known for political stability creating opportunity for fringe groups to seize power. If other parts of Europe go downhill economically like Greece this new strain of facism could spread like a virus.

Let's hope those who do not learn from history will not necessarily be able to repeat it

In Case You Did Not Already Hate that brat from 'Two And a Half Men' - August T. Jones the lucky little bastard child star chosen to play the half part in 'Two and Half Men' recently on Christian web video called his own show filth and implored people not to watch because it would corrupt their mind. Of course later after a talk from Uncle 'Charlie' about what happens when you bite the hand that feeds you, Jones quickly walked back his comments. Considering he makes $250,000 an episode to be the straight men to Ashton Kutcher's comedic genius (written with obvious sarcastic sneer) August Jones just showed why increasing taxes on Millionaires next year is politically expedient.

When Economists Have Too Much Time On Their Hands - A senior analyst from PNC Bank from actually sat down and calculated what it would cost to buy the items from 'The 12 Days of Christmas'. His estimated tally was $104,000 most of which could be attributed to the '5 Golden Rings' given the skyrocketing cost of gold. Other academics were quick to point out flaws in his study such as the '9 dancers dancing', is that regular folk dancers, or strippers? For the '8 Maids a Milking', is that regular cow milking or 8 prostitutes dressed a German farm girl to do some 'milking' (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). And would the '6 Swans a Swimming' include someone to clean up all the poop? And what in the hell exactly is a 'partridge in a pear tree?'

This really goes to show that in statistical modeling of price estimation, unexplained variance is a real bitch.

How The Roadrunner Explains the Obama's Re-Election - People of a certain age might remember the the Roadrunner cartoons from the Looney Tunes shows. This was where Wile E. Coyote was always trying to nab the swift, elusive Roadrunner for dinner and no matter how complicated or elaborate, the Roadrunner always managed to elude the traps erected for him and leaving it to blow up in the face of Wile and also helps explains the Obama victory over Romney.


Historically speaking it is very hard to unseat a sitting President running for re-election. Only three times in the last century has an once-elected President running for re-election (so not counting Ford) been denied a second term (Hoover '36, Carter '80, Bush Sr. '92). What all three had in common was a dismal Nat'l economy so it made sense to think Romney (Wiley E. Coyote) lying in wait with that giant boulder would roll right over an unsuspecting Obama (The Roadrunner). But instead election night Obama simply let the boulder wrap right around and crash back into Romney and his Billionaire backers. Here's why:

1.Money Can't Buy Elections - Republicans thought Citizens United court case which overturned campaign finance reform would allow them to use unlimited money mainly from Billionaires and corporations to buy themselves Congress and the White House. However, as blogger Gregg Easterbrook noted a candidate with good ideas and organization is far more potent than a blank check.

beep, beep

2.A little too cocky - Much like Coyote thinks his traps are foolproof, Karl Rove thought carpet bombing the airwaves in swing states would destroy Obama. Instead Rove failed to understand that in the era of the DVR, most people will fast-forward right through them because no one really watches TV in real time anymore. And those without DVR's simply drown out the commercials since they've become so bad they're almost self-parodies. Instead Obama put their money into grassroots organization and Get Out The Vote efforts which were the difference maker in Ohio, Florida, and Virginia.

beep, beep

3.Voter suppression blew up in their face - At the state level especially the swing ones like Pennsylvania and Florida, GOP passed voter ID laws thinking it would curtail minorities from voting because of flawed thinking that minorities were less likely to have driver's licenses. Instead this had the opposite effect, as it motivated minorities even more to vote, evidenced by people who waited 8 hours in minority areas of Miami essentially giving the middle finger to Florida Gov. Rick Scott. Meanwhile the voting bloc the GOP needed to vote, the elderly often had difficulty voting because many do not drive and no longer have licenses to show as ID.

beep, beep

4.Data Analysts outperformed political consultants - While Romney relied on expensive political consultants to craft negative TV advertising with outlandish themes. Obama had two secret weapons, data mining where you cull through millions and millions of consumer records to find trends and predictive modeling where you use those trends to design advertising to achieve maximum effect. The result is when Obama did do TV advertising it was brutally effective, like the one showing Romney singing 'America the Beautiful' embarrassingly offkey as a backdrop while facts about his record at Bain Capital which shipped tons of jobs overseas and hid money in the Caribbean scroll across the screen. Romney never recovered from that one

beep, beep

Keep your eye on the fiscal cliff negotiations and disregard what the pundits say on who won, who lost meme. Because most likely it will end with Obama telling House Republicans afterward...'beep, beep motherfuckers!'