The hardest thing in a person’s life is knowing when it’s time to exit the stage. That pearl of wisdom came to me in college during Homecoming in the form of a drunk 70 year alumni at a liquor store who I think was talking about life. But he also may have been talking about calling it night after peeing his pants and collapsing into a empty case of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the parking lot. However that’s a discussion for another day
Anyway at some point in our lives it is time to call it a career and ride off into the sunset while ideally you’re still on top and the only other way forward is down. That’s especially true of celebrities where careers are like parties. It’s alright to be there first at the party, but not last and certainly not BOTH. The perfect timing for exiting a party is to of duck out right when you sense the party has crested and the downswing is about to begin. Best example was Johnny Carson who upon retirement in 1992 never had higher ratings and his comedy had never lost an edge. We’ll always remember Johnny at his best. Sadly the same cannot be said of these celebrities who not only stayed at the party too long but are still there long after the cleaning lady left.
1.Hugh Hefner – The man who started the flames of the sexual revolution and convinced Americans to loosen up their collar while unbuttoning something else seemed to have the fitting ending when he married in the early 80’s and settled down. The persona of velvet robe wearing, pipe smoking, and Martini drinking ladies man put to rest and ideally memorialized in the Smithsonian or some another monument to Pop Culture. Freeze frame. Cue credits. Story done.
But then he divorced, and then Viagra happened to where as he got older the women got younger and the World’s oldest bachelor schtick got really stale. And instead of looking cool, it just looks downright creepy. As Chris Rock put it ‘The real reason men marry? Cause they don’t to be the old man at the club’. Which is great advice for kids along with Rock’s other truism ‘Regardless of whatever a stripper tells you. There’s absolutely no sex in the champagne room.’ (Does not apply to professional athletes, rappers, or Charlie Sheen)
2. Dick Clark – Anyone who went to a New Year’s party undoubtedly counted it down with Dick Clark and his allegedly ‘rockin’ TV special. At every party, I’ll bet there was some smackass who had a little too much to drink and decided to entertain the crowd with a Dick Clark impersonation. And most likely it wasn’t flattering given this New Year’s for Clark was his 8th after the stroke which robbed him of smooth voice and delivery. Not to mention he looked even weirder with his new facelift.
We all applauded his triumphant return in 2004 and that seemed like a good time to hand over the keys to the human whitenoise machine, Ryan Secrest. But he stayed on and lately the typical countdown has not been going too well: “10,9,8,7,7,7..uh 5,3 (Officially midnight, bal hits bottom),4,2,1 Happy Birthday!..no..wait… New Year’s…YAY!” Now I’m not making light of or poking fun at stroke victims but I’d like to say to Dickie C. is "It’s Ok to let go. There’s no shame in walking away’ Because we’d like to remember the World’s Oldest Teenager as just that: a teenager. And not a grim walking reminder of the cruel frailty of life.
3. Pam Anderson – Oh, Pammy can we talk? Let’s be honest. Sure you were hottest woman on the planet, but that was circa 1990 in the era before internet porn, where unless your dad had a Playboy subscription, the only satisfaction a hormonal filled teenager could get was watching Who’s the Boss reruns with Alyssa Milano or Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie’ music video when no one else was around. That’s not to take away from your accomplishment of having best selling Playboy issues of all time and causing a generation of Moms to ask ‘Who the hell keeps using up all the Kleenex?’
But then you got implants, got married to Tommy Lee, and all of our hearts were broken when that sex tape leaked and ruined the fantasy. Now it’s just sad especially that gravity has taken hold. As one comedienne put it ‘Pam Anderson taking off her clothes is like the ending to any M.Night Shyamalan movie. In both cases you’re wondering what the hell was that.’ There really is something to said about aging gracefully and dressing age appropriate. It’s about recognizing that while life comes in stages and some things in the past can’t be recaptured, you can still be sexy at any age. Perhaps Pam could take a turn on the cover of AARP magazine. Then it would mark the first time in over a decade someone snuck off alone to the bathroom with a magazine featuring her.
4.Larry King – oh never mind. CNN already took care of that.
5.Jaden and Willow Smith – Now I know they’re just kids but this crap can stop right now. I’m serious. This is bulls**t. Will Smith would have better luck reigniting Jazzy Jeff’s career then trying to launch his offspring. They have about as much talent as those idiots who try out for American Idol. You know the really bad ones who may have a mental disorder. But at least some of the rejects on Idol are entertaining. This is nepotism at its worst. And don’t even try to make the argument ‘Well Sofia Coppola did pretty on her own well even though her dad is Francis Ford Coppola’ It’s a false equivalency so don’t even go there! Its not even close…ugggh where’s the Advil
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Five Celebrities whose careers I don't understand
With British actor Rupert Everett’s recent http://thecelebritycafe.com/feature/rupert-everett-disses-jennifer-aniston-12-30-2010 epic rant of questioning why Jennifer Aniston has a career of course got him crucified by the celebrity fluffer crowd since she apparently occupies some Hollywood royalty. Seeing as a funeral gets more laughs than one of her patented romantic ‘comedies’ it does raise the question of why does she still have career. Post Friends she has 0 Oscar noms, 0 successful movies and since 0+0=0 that should be the sum of her box office viability. In the real world regardless of your chosen profession if you suck at what you do chances are you won’t last long in that career (unless you work at our local K-Mart then you get promoted to store manager.) but I digress.
This got me thinking about five other celebrities whose career I don’t understand
1.Gwyneth Paltrow - Owen Gleiberman at Entertainment Weekly recently http://insidemovies.ew.com/2011/01/12/gwyneth-paltrow-why-do-they-hate-her/ovies.ew.com/2011/01/12/gwyneth-paltrow-why-do-they-hate-her/ asked whether Paltrow’s movies bomb because of audience’s perceived bias against her because of privileged background. There is that, given her insufferable attitude exhibited early in her career (remember the ‘revolted by Americans’ comment) and let’s be honest would she have gotten famous if her mother wasn’t Blythe Danner (Answer No.)
My response to Mr. Gleiberman is she is underappreciated because of her underwhelming talent. Yes she’s an alright actress but if acting were like dessert, Paltrow would be vanilla ice cream compared to the Ben and Jerry flavors of a Kate Winslet or gourmet chocolate cake of a Meryl Streep. Oh one more thing Mr.Gleiberman, according to your magazine's poll of Oscar voters. If there was ever a recall vote for Academy Awards, her 1998 one for Best Actress would be going to Cate Blanchett.
2.Ryan Secrest - Here's where I’m confused. When I think of the qualities needed for a live TV show host I think of someone with charisma, charm, and above all a personality. Same goes for a radio host, and a New Year’s Eve host especially if they get paid $20 million a year. Which brings me to the human rice cake Ryan Secrest. His career personifies my Jonas Brothers theory of music applied to television. Simply put the theory states network TV like radio has now gone full circle from its inception in the 50’s of bland, boring, milquetoast programming to edgy social satire of the 70's (ala All in the Family, Maude, M.A.S.H) and back again. Much of this driven by Janet Jackson's flashing her boob at the Super Bowl so present day TV execs look for the whitest, blandest, non-threatening person you can find leading to Secrest…IN
But here’s where Secrest crosses over into douche territory. He actually believes his success to be the result of hard work, determination, and…wait for it….talent. (pause for you to laugh hysterically) When in actuality he got his job through sheer, dumb, odds-defying luck. Not even Judd Apatow could make him the least bit entertaining in Knocked Up. He’s like that RA in college who was the resident killjoy and trolled the halls of the dorm on Saturday nights looking for people to bust for having a good time. Then gets rewarded by hosting the dorm talent show.
3.Ashton Kutcher - Here is something you’ll never hear around the watercooler or at parties when the conversation veers to comedies, ‘Man that new Ashton Kutcher movie was hilarious!’ Sure his Michael Kelso character on That 70’s Show was funny and Punk’d was clever for about 3 episodes but over time he’s proven to be a one trick pony. The pitch meetings for his movies are summed up as “So it’s Ashton as Michael Kelso playing a (fill in the blank) opposite actress (fill in the blank) in an overly contrived (fill in the blank) situation and hilarity ensues!” Only it never does.
4.Kate Hudson - I always wondered how Hudson avoids the TSA watch list given she’s strung together more bombs than the Irish Republican Army. Similar to Aniston, a commercial pleading for starving children in Africa generates more laughs than any rom-com Hudson has appeared in. Similar to Paltrow begs to ask the question, if she didn’t win the genetic lottery of being Goldie Hawn’s daughter would she still be famous (Answer No.) In terms of her acting skill, I've seen a mannequin exude more vitality and emotion
5.The Olsen Twins - Not that I'm one to pick on looks but the Olsen Twins (Ashley and Mary-Kate) highlight unique example of where the ugliness of the outside is matched only by the ugliness of what's inside. Evidenced by how not once in any interview or public appearance have they ever shown any ounce of gratitude to the fans who made them stars and made them rich growing up. Not once. And has resulted in a obnoxious sense of entitlement as adults rearing its ugly head in public where they seem unhappy about everything is what makes them so loathsome.
First were the movies, starting with the truly craptastic straight-to-video gems that can now only be found in the $1 clearance bin of any Blockbuster
store liquidation sale. Their only real feature film New York Minute was so bad that ticket takers in theaters would reply 'Uh, really?' to the handful of people idiotic enough to pay money for it. So with their acting career flushed down the toilet in the same manner which their bodyguard dumped the prescription pills belonging to Mary Kate when Heath Ledger was found dead in her apartment(allegedly).
The undynamic duo then became primarily famous for showing up at Red-Carpet events looking emaciated, in state of perpetual moping, with the facial expression of someone who just sucked on a lemon and a 'fashion' sense that would drive Michael Kors to rip out his eyeballs. Yet amazingly, the self-appointed Glitteratti swoon to every appearance and they somehow manage to get taken seriously for their opinions of taste and style matter. The mystery of who actually digs the Olson Twins is right up there with what kind of music honk buys Yoko Ono's albums.
This got me thinking about five other celebrities whose career I don’t understand
1.Gwyneth Paltrow - Owen Gleiberman at Entertainment Weekly recently http://insidemovies.ew.com/2011/01/12/gwyneth-paltrow-why-do-they-hate-her/ovies.ew.com/2011/01/12/gwyneth-paltrow-why-do-they-hate-her/ asked whether Paltrow’s movies bomb because of audience’s perceived bias against her because of privileged background. There is that, given her insufferable attitude exhibited early in her career (remember the ‘revolted by Americans’ comment) and let’s be honest would she have gotten famous if her mother wasn’t Blythe Danner (Answer No.)
My response to Mr. Gleiberman is she is underappreciated because of her underwhelming talent. Yes she’s an alright actress but if acting were like dessert, Paltrow would be vanilla ice cream compared to the Ben and Jerry flavors of a Kate Winslet or gourmet chocolate cake of a Meryl Streep. Oh one more thing Mr.Gleiberman, according to your magazine's poll of Oscar voters. If there was ever a recall vote for Academy Awards, her 1998 one for Best Actress would be going to Cate Blanchett.
2.Ryan Secrest - Here's where I’m confused. When I think of the qualities needed for a live TV show host I think of someone with charisma, charm, and above all a personality. Same goes for a radio host, and a New Year’s Eve host especially if they get paid $20 million a year. Which brings me to the human rice cake Ryan Secrest. His career personifies my Jonas Brothers theory of music applied to television. Simply put the theory states network TV like radio has now gone full circle from its inception in the 50’s of bland, boring, milquetoast programming to edgy social satire of the 70's (ala All in the Family, Maude, M.A.S.H) and back again. Much of this driven by Janet Jackson's flashing her boob at the Super Bowl so present day TV execs look for the whitest, blandest, non-threatening person you can find leading to Secrest…IN
But here’s where Secrest crosses over into douche territory. He actually believes his success to be the result of hard work, determination, and…wait for it….talent. (pause for you to laugh hysterically) When in actuality he got his job through sheer, dumb, odds-defying luck. Not even Judd Apatow could make him the least bit entertaining in Knocked Up. He’s like that RA in college who was the resident killjoy and trolled the halls of the dorm on Saturday nights looking for people to bust for having a good time. Then gets rewarded by hosting the dorm talent show.
3.Ashton Kutcher - Here is something you’ll never hear around the watercooler or at parties when the conversation veers to comedies, ‘Man that new Ashton Kutcher movie was hilarious!’ Sure his Michael Kelso character on That 70’s Show was funny and Punk’d was clever for about 3 episodes but over time he’s proven to be a one trick pony. The pitch meetings for his movies are summed up as “So it’s Ashton as Michael Kelso playing a (fill in the blank) opposite actress (fill in the blank) in an overly contrived (fill in the blank) situation and hilarity ensues!” Only it never does.
4.Kate Hudson - I always wondered how Hudson avoids the TSA watch list given she’s strung together more bombs than the Irish Republican Army. Similar to Aniston, a commercial pleading for starving children in Africa generates more laughs than any rom-com Hudson has appeared in. Similar to Paltrow begs to ask the question, if she didn’t win the genetic lottery of being Goldie Hawn’s daughter would she still be famous (Answer No.) In terms of her acting skill, I've seen a mannequin exude more vitality and emotion
5.The Olsen Twins - Not that I'm one to pick on looks but the Olsen Twins (Ashley and Mary-Kate) highlight unique example of where the ugliness of the outside is matched only by the ugliness of what's inside. Evidenced by how not once in any interview or public appearance have they ever shown any ounce of gratitude to the fans who made them stars and made them rich growing up. Not once. And has resulted in a obnoxious sense of entitlement as adults rearing its ugly head in public where they seem unhappy about everything is what makes them so loathsome.
First were the movies, starting with the truly craptastic straight-to-video gems that can now only be found in the $1 clearance bin of any Blockbuster
store liquidation sale. Their only real feature film New York Minute was so bad that ticket takers in theaters would reply 'Uh, really?' to the handful of people idiotic enough to pay money for it. So with their acting career flushed down the toilet in the same manner which their bodyguard dumped the prescription pills belonging to Mary Kate when Heath Ledger was found dead in her apartment(allegedly).The undynamic duo then became primarily famous for showing up at Red-Carpet events looking emaciated, in state of perpetual moping, with the facial expression of someone who just sucked on a lemon and a 'fashion' sense that would drive Michael Kors to rip out his eyeballs. Yet amazingly, the self-appointed Glitteratti swoon to every appearance and they somehow manage to get taken seriously for their opinions of taste and style matter. The mystery of who actually digs the Olson Twins is right up there with what kind of music honk buys Yoko Ono's albums.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
THE 2010 ROSSY AWARDS!!!
Back in the 90's my fraternity started an annual tradition of awarding the best moments of drunkenness, debauchery, and stupdity which became the Rossy Awards.Enjoy!
Best Felony Committed by a Celebrity Impersonator – A man dressed as Santa Claus robbed a series of banks in Central Tennessee around xmas time brandishing a gun and red sack to carry the cash. Witnesses described suspect as having twinkling eyes, cheeks as red as roses, and belly that looked like a bowl full of jelly. FBI noted to be lookout a miniature sleigh being pulled by eight tiny reindeer with one of them reported to have a shiny red nose
Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - Guys dream of knocking over a casino but one armed bandit managed to live it and steal $1.5 million from the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Not bad for a day's work except for one problem. He stole $1.5 million in $25K chips instead of cash which are only redeemable at...the Bellagio. As George Clooney noted in Ocean's Eleven, 'It's always the little details that matter'
Best Fight (Non-Drinking) Category – At the Comicon convention in San Diego, a comic book enthusiast (PC term for nerd) was stabbed in the eye with a pencil by another comic book enthusiast during an argument over a front row seat for a Q&A with Seth Rogan and cast of ‘The Green Hornet’. No word if the assailant was apprehended by an actual superhero or someone dressed as a superhero. Seth Rogan later visited victim in hospital asking if a glass eye could double as a one-hitter adding that it would be ‘far-out’.
Best Fight (Drinking) Category – A patron at a karaoke bar in Manila, Philippines ended up being shot and killed as a result of a fight with other patrons who did not like his version of the Frank Sinatra song ‘My Way’ and apparently wanted it their way. Music Industry experts referred to it as the Phil Spector method of voice coaching. On a possibly related note The Jonas Brothers were advised to never set foot in the Philippines.
Best Addition to the English Language - In divorce papers, former wrestler Hulk Hogan allegedly transformed a proper noun into a verb after he threatened to 'OJ' his wife during an argument. This narrowly defeated the creation of a new adjective of referring to male douchebag behavior as pulling a 'John Mayer'.
The WTF Moment of 2010 – Kim Kardashian allegedly received dozens of death threats from angry Justin Bieber fans via Twitter after the two were companions to the White House Correspondents Dinner. One of which actually prompted a Federal Investigation of a 13 year old who threatened to hijack a plane and crash it into the Kim’s house. Combined with the various mob scenes related to Bieber fever at malls and airports, JBieb fans might be the new Hell's Angels
Best Riot not involving European Soccer or Justin Bieber fans – Police in Hickory, TN were called to a Chuck E Cheese to break up a melee between two families that started over the line for a photobooth. The family fun time eventually ended in criminal charges for threatening a police officer, marijuana possession, and assault after one lucky birthday girl got punched in the face. The last one may be the most serious offense since a knuckle sandwich was normally not included with a birthday package. Management noted to prevent in any future problems they would remove Crystal Meth as a topping from the Sundae Bar.
The Exemplary Use of Firearms with Alcohol Award presented by The Nat’l Rifle Assoc. and Busch Light – A 66 year-old man in Wisconsin was arrested for shooting out his television with a shotgun after becoming enraged that Bristol Palin advanced to the finals of Dancing With The Stars which led to a 14 hour standoff with police. Because the defendant had mental issues and was 'sort of' drinking at the time, his attorneys planned an insanity defense citing no normal man in his right mind would voluntarily watch Dancing With The Stars.
The Karma Is a Bitch Award – Ivana Trump, ex-wife of Donald Trump and plastic surgery failure was thrown off an flight from Palm Beach to New York after having a tantrum about small kids crying in First Class.
The Silvio Berlesconi Award (given for best political sex scandal) – The governor of the Hyderabad region of India, Andhra Pradesh was forced to resign his office after a videotape surfaced of his performance as a amateur porn star with not one but two ladies of the night. Adult website reviews generally noted he will never be mistaken for Tommy Lee anytime soon
Best Sports moment not making Top 10 Plays of the Year – A husband in Norwalk, CT was arrested for threatening his wife with a knife after becoming angry that she canceled ESPN on their cable package. Meanwhile the Rossy Committee is about 95% sure the on-air talent at ESPN referenced the incident with either a bad pun or overused catch phrase
The Happy Hour Lasted An Hour Too Long Award – State Police in Oliver, PA found a drunken 55 year-old man in the middle of a highway trying to revive an opossum that had been flattened by a car with mouth to mouth resuscitation. The animal do-gooder was handed a citation for Drunk & Disorderly along with a pack of breath mints.
Employee of the Month Award – A Verizon debt collector was fired after telling a Las Cruces, NM customer that she would ‘blow up his mother***ing house’ over a $308 bill. Also Verizon was forced to phase out some late penalties including kneecapping, kidnapping or going for a 'drive' to a secluded swamp in New Jersey. The incident capped off a milestone year for customer service at Verizon where they were also sued after refusing to shut off phone service for deceased people claiming death certificates were not enough for proof of death
Best Moment of Unintentional Hilarity – During a blood drive pep rally at a Norwin, PA high school, students witnessed an epic misadventure with Microsoft PowerPoint when a presenter from the American Red Cross accidently opened a file containing gay porn instead of one about blood donation. Luckily for students the situation served as a teachable moment about the importance of accurately naming computer files so that myschoolpresentation.ppt could never get confused with mygayporn.ppt
The Charlie Sheen Award – This year the Rossy Committee has established a new award for epic achievement in partying and clearly only one man can bear its namesake! Mr.Charlie Sheen exemplifies excellence in the art of the good time and in 2010 set the gold standard after NYC Police were called to his suite at the Plaza Hotel to discover him naked, trashing the room in an apparent rage stemming from bad cocaine sold to him earlier that evening. Oh yeah there was a hooker hiding in the closet, too. In addition the Rossy Committee would like to acknowledge Mr.Sheen for the all-time greatest celebrity quote.Ever. “I don’t pay prostitutes for sex, I pay them to leave’
AND FINALLY..The Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee for 2010! -
A 30 year-old man in Sarasota, FL was arrested at Wal-Mart after being observed masturbating to a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in the toy aisle then leaving the residue in the middle of the floor during store hours. Since defendant will be spending his New Year's in county lockup, to accept the award will be whoever had to answer the call for ‘Clean Up in Aisle 5’.
Best Felony Committed by a Celebrity Impersonator – A man dressed as Santa Claus robbed a series of banks in Central Tennessee around xmas time brandishing a gun and red sack to carry the cash. Witnesses described suspect as having twinkling eyes, cheeks as red as roses, and belly that looked like a bowl full of jelly. FBI noted to be lookout a miniature sleigh being pulled by eight tiny reindeer with one of them reported to have a shiny red nose
Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - Guys dream of knocking over a casino but one armed bandit managed to live it and steal $1.5 million from the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Not bad for a day's work except for one problem. He stole $1.5 million in $25K chips instead of cash which are only redeemable at...the Bellagio. As George Clooney noted in Ocean's Eleven, 'It's always the little details that matter'
Best Fight (Non-Drinking) Category – At the Comicon convention in San Diego, a comic book enthusiast (PC term for nerd) was stabbed in the eye with a pencil by another comic book enthusiast during an argument over a front row seat for a Q&A with Seth Rogan and cast of ‘The Green Hornet’. No word if the assailant was apprehended by an actual superhero or someone dressed as a superhero. Seth Rogan later visited victim in hospital asking if a glass eye could double as a one-hitter adding that it would be ‘far-out’.
Best Fight (Drinking) Category – A patron at a karaoke bar in Manila, Philippines ended up being shot and killed as a result of a fight with other patrons who did not like his version of the Frank Sinatra song ‘My Way’ and apparently wanted it their way. Music Industry experts referred to it as the Phil Spector method of voice coaching. On a possibly related note The Jonas Brothers were advised to never set foot in the Philippines.
Best Addition to the English Language - In divorce papers, former wrestler Hulk Hogan allegedly transformed a proper noun into a verb after he threatened to 'OJ' his wife during an argument. This narrowly defeated the creation of a new adjective of referring to male douchebag behavior as pulling a 'John Mayer'.
The WTF Moment of 2010 – Kim Kardashian allegedly received dozens of death threats from angry Justin Bieber fans via Twitter after the two were companions to the White House Correspondents Dinner. One of which actually prompted a Federal Investigation of a 13 year old who threatened to hijack a plane and crash it into the Kim’s house. Combined with the various mob scenes related to Bieber fever at malls and airports, JBieb fans might be the new Hell's Angels
Best Riot not involving European Soccer or Justin Bieber fans – Police in Hickory, TN were called to a Chuck E Cheese to break up a melee between two families that started over the line for a photobooth. The family fun time eventually ended in criminal charges for threatening a police officer, marijuana possession, and assault after one lucky birthday girl got punched in the face. The last one may be the most serious offense since a knuckle sandwich was normally not included with a birthday package. Management noted to prevent in any future problems they would remove Crystal Meth as a topping from the Sundae Bar.
The Exemplary Use of Firearms with Alcohol Award presented by The Nat’l Rifle Assoc. and Busch Light – A 66 year-old man in Wisconsin was arrested for shooting out his television with a shotgun after becoming enraged that Bristol Palin advanced to the finals of Dancing With The Stars which led to a 14 hour standoff with police. Because the defendant had mental issues and was 'sort of' drinking at the time, his attorneys planned an insanity defense citing no normal man in his right mind would voluntarily watch Dancing With The Stars.
The Karma Is a Bitch Award – Ivana Trump, ex-wife of Donald Trump and plastic surgery failure was thrown off an flight from Palm Beach to New York after having a tantrum about small kids crying in First Class.
The Silvio Berlesconi Award (given for best political sex scandal) – The governor of the Hyderabad region of India, Andhra Pradesh was forced to resign his office after a videotape surfaced of his performance as a amateur porn star with not one but two ladies of the night. Adult website reviews generally noted he will never be mistaken for Tommy Lee anytime soon
Best Sports moment not making Top 10 Plays of the Year – A husband in Norwalk, CT was arrested for threatening his wife with a knife after becoming angry that she canceled ESPN on their cable package. Meanwhile the Rossy Committee is about 95% sure the on-air talent at ESPN referenced the incident with either a bad pun or overused catch phrase
The Happy Hour Lasted An Hour Too Long Award – State Police in Oliver, PA found a drunken 55 year-old man in the middle of a highway trying to revive an opossum that had been flattened by a car with mouth to mouth resuscitation. The animal do-gooder was handed a citation for Drunk & Disorderly along with a pack of breath mints.
Employee of the Month Award – A Verizon debt collector was fired after telling a Las Cruces, NM customer that she would ‘blow up his mother***ing house’ over a $308 bill. Also Verizon was forced to phase out some late penalties including kneecapping, kidnapping or going for a 'drive' to a secluded swamp in New Jersey. The incident capped off a milestone year for customer service at Verizon where they were also sued after refusing to shut off phone service for deceased people claiming death certificates were not enough for proof of death
Best Moment of Unintentional Hilarity – During a blood drive pep rally at a Norwin, PA high school, students witnessed an epic misadventure with Microsoft PowerPoint when a presenter from the American Red Cross accidently opened a file containing gay porn instead of one about blood donation. Luckily for students the situation served as a teachable moment about the importance of accurately naming computer files so that myschoolpresentation.ppt could never get confused with mygayporn.ppt
The Charlie Sheen Award – This year the Rossy Committee has established a new award for epic achievement in partying and clearly only one man can bear its namesake! Mr.Charlie Sheen exemplifies excellence in the art of the good time and in 2010 set the gold standard after NYC Police were called to his suite at the Plaza Hotel to discover him naked, trashing the room in an apparent rage stemming from bad cocaine sold to him earlier that evening. Oh yeah there was a hooker hiding in the closet, too. In addition the Rossy Committee would like to acknowledge Mr.Sheen for the all-time greatest celebrity quote.Ever. “I don’t pay prostitutes for sex, I pay them to leave’
AND FINALLY..The Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee for 2010! -
A 30 year-old man in Sarasota, FL was arrested at Wal-Mart after being observed masturbating to a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in the toy aisle then leaving the residue in the middle of the floor during store hours. Since defendant will be spending his New Year's in county lockup, to accept the award will be whoever had to answer the call for ‘Clean Up in Aisle 5’.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Victoria's Secret gets men in trouble, Wikileaks, and the ONLY post-election that matters
The graph that sums up the entire election – As usual the news network village idiots (aka political correspondents) managed to get it all wrong. No David Gregory it wasn’t about healthcare reform and No Fox News, America is not suddenly in love with conservatism again.
The red line shows percent job losses since this latest recession began. We are already past the halfway at which most jobless rates improved from prior recessions. Obama’s reelection prospects are directly correlated to this graph. If by 2012 the red line is still mired in negative territory, he’s a one termer.
Revenge of the Old, White, Angry Voter – I’ve seen elderly folks riot and it wasn’t pretty. For the past two years the cost of living increase for Social Security recipients has been frozen which combined with cuts to Medicare equaled one pissed off Granny. This was the other main factor contributing to November's bloodbath for Democrats which the DC punditry class also missed. There was a 22 point swing from Dems to Repubs this election compared to 2008 among voters 65 and older proving Social Security is the third rail of electoral politics, touch it and your career dies.
Introducing the Fourth Branch of Gov't - Contrary to what were taught in Civics class laws do not originate in the Legislative branch but rather the Corporate branch of Gov't. Thanks to the Citizen United case where the Supreme Court tossed out the $2500 limit on what corporations and wealthy individuals can spend on campaign donations, unelected people called lobbyists will now be writing our laws. And these corporations made good use of it with $110 million in campaign contributions with 9 to 1 ratio going to the GOP.....
.....which leads to the Republican plan on solving the economy – Allow Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas) to explain, ‘You either have to work for rich people or make things for rich people’.
The Mad Hatter called and said he wants his tea party back – While election results for the teabaggers were mixed, the guiding governing philosophy of Tea Party candidates seemed to be repeal of the 20th century:
Return to racial segregation – Rand Paul, US Sen Kentucky (winner)
Repeal of the 14th Amendment (grants citizenship to all born in US) – Tom Tancredo, Gov Colorado (loser)
Repeal of the 17th Amendment (allowing direct election of Senators) – Ken Buck, US Sen Colorado (loser)
Repeal of Separation of Church & State, anti-masturbation, and pro witchcraft – Christine O’Donnell, US Sen Delaware (loser)
Bringing Back Prohibition, Elimination of public schools, Elimination of Social Security and Medicare – Sharon Angle, US Sen Nevada (loser)
Elimination of Minimum Wage and worker’s rights – Joe Miller, US Sen Alaska (loser)
Elimination of the Census because it’s really a plot to help create forced re-education camps once an all encompassing Zionist one-World government takeover is completed by Obama who happens to be Kenyan born, Muslim socialist terrorist – Michele Bachmann, US Rep Minnesota and Mayor of Crazytown (winner)
So when exactly does that audacity kick in? – Watching Obama the past few months has been like watching George McFly get beat up in the parking lot in Back To The Future. You keep wondering when does the nerd finally fight back and assert himself against Biff.
But in other news, it was safe to laugh again – Conan O’Brien returned to late night television. Jay Leno still a no talent suck-ass.
Proof that Secret Intelligence is really an oxymoron – Of the more than 200K ‘Top Secret’, ‘Classified’ pages released on the whistleblower site about America’s foreign policy, 95% could be classified as ‘Well, Duh’. Among the Earth shattering information, Canada is our chief ally, China thinks were stupid, and Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has a penchant for Cuban cigars.
Proof times are getting better– Oprah Winfrey announced her show is going off the air.
Proof globalization is now complete – Hearst magazines announced the launch of Cosmopolitan in Mongolia. Among the highlighted stories in the inaugural issue: ‘How to flirt with a goat herder’, ’The hottest looks in sheepskin’, and ‘Try these 5 bedroom moves tonight and turn your timid nomad into Genghis Khan!’
The 2022 FIFA Soccer World Cup Host Announced – and the winner is Qatar! Which is a shame because soccer was just about on the verge of respectability here in the States. The official reason was listed as allowing the Middle East a chance to host the tournament.
Probably the real reasons were either the selection board of FIFA made the decision while breathing in paint thinner or each member was handed a briefcase of unmarked, untraceable cash from Qatari rulers. Either way that Connecticut sized dingleberry of a country on the Persian Gulf was selected where its charms include a repressive monarchy, no alcohol, and no real rights for women. One small possible oversight is the prospect of playing games when the average temperature reaches 130 degrees in summertime.
Ever wonder if the people running your company are idiots? - Now we have confirmation with the show Undercover Boss which goes a long way to explaining decline of American innovation lately. Amazing how CEO's who are supposedly the smartest people in the organization are clueless how things in their companies actually work. Also amazing is how they are continually surprised to learn in this economy that their employees are struggling yet dutifully show up and work hard anyway because their family well-being depends upon doing a good job.
George Bush reminds us he’s still an asshole – In his not very eagerly awaited autobiography, George Bush reveled the worst moment of his presidency was when Kanye West called him a racist. Considering during his tenure Bush witnessed 9/11, the bungled Iraq War, and the drowning of New Orleans during Katrina. Each event resulted in catastrophic loss of life and one would assume those rank up there on the all time list of bad days. However for Junior the worst moment was being a called a name on Nat'l TV. The breadth of his narcissism and ego is stunning.
An Open Letter to Victoria’s Secret –
My Dearest Vicky,
Oh how we men of a certain age and marital status appreciate your catalogs, commercials, and window placement at malls. But we need a little more 'secretness' from you when showing your Lingerie fashion show. You see we can’t really openly enjoy without getting into major trouble with our significant others and developing that skeevy perv feeling we normally get from watching Miley Cyrus videos. Perhaps renaming to something generic like ‘The Victorian Fishing Show’ or ‘Victorian Do It Your Self Tips’ so as to not be conspicuous or anything when TIVO’d. (wink,wink, nudge, nudge)
Sincerely,
All human beings with the XY Chromosome
Revenge of the Old, White, Angry Voter – I’ve seen elderly folks riot and it wasn’t pretty. For the past two years the cost of living increase for Social Security recipients has been frozen which combined with cuts to Medicare equaled one pissed off Granny. This was the other main factor contributing to November's bloodbath for Democrats which the DC punditry class also missed. There was a 22 point swing from Dems to Repubs this election compared to 2008 among voters 65 and older proving Social Security is the third rail of electoral politics, touch it and your career dies.
Introducing the Fourth Branch of Gov't - Contrary to what were taught in Civics class laws do not originate in the Legislative branch but rather the Corporate branch of Gov't. Thanks to the Citizen United case where the Supreme Court tossed out the $2500 limit on what corporations and wealthy individuals can spend on campaign donations, unelected people called lobbyists will now be writing our laws. And these corporations made good use of it with $110 million in campaign contributions with 9 to 1 ratio going to the GOP.....
.....which leads to the Republican plan on solving the economy – Allow Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas) to explain, ‘You either have to work for rich people or make things for rich people’.
The Mad Hatter called and said he wants his tea party back – While election results for the teabaggers were mixed, the guiding governing philosophy of Tea Party candidates seemed to be repeal of the 20th century:
Return to racial segregation – Rand Paul, US Sen Kentucky (winner)
Repeal of the 14th Amendment (grants citizenship to all born in US) – Tom Tancredo, Gov Colorado (loser)
Repeal of the 17th Amendment (allowing direct election of Senators) – Ken Buck, US Sen Colorado (loser)
Repeal of Separation of Church & State, anti-masturbation, and pro witchcraft – Christine O’Donnell, US Sen Delaware (loser)
Bringing Back Prohibition, Elimination of public schools, Elimination of Social Security and Medicare – Sharon Angle, US Sen Nevada (loser)
Elimination of Minimum Wage and worker’s rights – Joe Miller, US Sen Alaska (loser)
Elimination of the Census because it’s really a plot to help create forced re-education camps once an all encompassing Zionist one-World government takeover is completed by Obama who happens to be Kenyan born, Muslim socialist terrorist – Michele Bachmann, US Rep Minnesota and Mayor of Crazytown (winner)
So when exactly does that audacity kick in? – Watching Obama the past few months has been like watching George McFly get beat up in the parking lot in Back To The Future. You keep wondering when does the nerd finally fight back and assert himself against Biff.
But in other news, it was safe to laugh again – Conan O’Brien returned to late night television. Jay Leno still a no talent suck-ass.
Proof that Secret Intelligence is really an oxymoron – Of the more than 200K ‘Top Secret’, ‘Classified’ pages released on the whistleblower site about America’s foreign policy, 95% could be classified as ‘Well, Duh’. Among the Earth shattering information, Canada is our chief ally, China thinks were stupid, and Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has a penchant for Cuban cigars.
Proof times are getting better– Oprah Winfrey announced her show is going off the air.
Proof globalization is now complete – Hearst magazines announced the launch of Cosmopolitan in Mongolia. Among the highlighted stories in the inaugural issue: ‘How to flirt with a goat herder’, ’The hottest looks in sheepskin’, and ‘Try these 5 bedroom moves tonight and turn your timid nomad into Genghis Khan!’
The 2022 FIFA Soccer World Cup Host Announced – and the winner is Qatar! Which is a shame because soccer was just about on the verge of respectability here in the States. The official reason was listed as allowing the Middle East a chance to host the tournament.
Probably the real reasons were either the selection board of FIFA made the decision while breathing in paint thinner or each member was handed a briefcase of unmarked, untraceable cash from Qatari rulers. Either way that Connecticut sized dingleberry of a country on the Persian Gulf was selected where its charms include a repressive monarchy, no alcohol, and no real rights for women. One small possible oversight is the prospect of playing games when the average temperature reaches 130 degrees in summertime.
Ever wonder if the people running your company are idiots? - Now we have confirmation with the show Undercover Boss which goes a long way to explaining decline of American innovation lately. Amazing how CEO's who are supposedly the smartest people in the organization are clueless how things in their companies actually work. Also amazing is how they are continually surprised to learn in this economy that their employees are struggling yet dutifully show up and work hard anyway because their family well-being depends upon doing a good job.
George Bush reminds us he’s still an asshole – In his not very eagerly awaited autobiography, George Bush reveled the worst moment of his presidency was when Kanye West called him a racist. Considering during his tenure Bush witnessed 9/11, the bungled Iraq War, and the drowning of New Orleans during Katrina. Each event resulted in catastrophic loss of life and one would assume those rank up there on the all time list of bad days. However for Junior the worst moment was being a called a name on Nat'l TV. The breadth of his narcissism and ego is stunning.
An Open Letter to Victoria’s Secret –
My Dearest Vicky,
Oh how we men of a certain age and marital status appreciate your catalogs, commercials, and window placement at malls. But we need a little more 'secretness' from you when showing your Lingerie fashion show. You see we can’t really openly enjoy without getting into major trouble with our significant others and developing that skeevy perv feeling we normally get from watching Miley Cyrus videos. Perhaps renaming to something generic like ‘The Victorian Fishing Show’ or ‘Victorian Do It Your Self Tips’ so as to not be conspicuous or anything when TIVO’d. (wink,wink, nudge, nudge)
Sincerely,
All human beings with the XY Chromosome
Summer 2010 Wrap-Up (The Extra Spicy Edition!!!)
Well with summer of 2010 behind us historians may look back as the year Americans became crazy from the heat
Hottest Summer Ever (no really) – Around here in Jersey, this summer was statistically the hottest on record with a record 53 days eclipsing the 90 degree mark. It was so hot even the camels at the zoo were telling their trainers ‘F**k this man, I’m staying inside’. Strangely all the climate change deniers were pretty quiet during this time
So as temps climbed, Obama’s approval dropped – What’s becoming apparent is that Obama got rolled by Wall Street because as they posted record profits, folks on Main Street still cannot find a job or those with a job aren’t feeling too secure about it.You know Wall Street now officially runs the place when at Congressional hearings, Goldman Sachs was presented with evidence they sold investors on bad deals then had the balls to bet against those bad deals in some strange mechanism called derivatives. Their response was ‘yeah, so?’
Thankfully there were some great vacation deals on the Gulf coast – With an exploding oil rig followed by blithering incompetence from British Petroleum, the Gulf of Mexico resembled the port-a-potty at a Texas chili cook off.
Interestingly gas prices stayed relatively affordable throughout the whole debacle which seems strange considering normally someone so much as sneezes on a oil rig and World Petroleum prices go up $10 a barrell. Not that I’m implying collusion or price fixing or anything like that among oil companies since they seem so trustworthy from what they tell us in their commercials.
Who you calling ‘We’ White Man? – Fulfilling Obama’s observation that rednecks tend to cling to their guns and bibles during times of uncertainty, Glenn Beck was able to fill the void with his ‘I have a Scheme’ speech….urr….Restore Honor rally in Washington DC convincing 90,000 angry, old, white people that America’s salvation lay in his new book available for only $29.99.
Not sure when exactly America lost its honor but I have a suspicion honor is one of those code phrases for the good old days when Obama had to enter the White House through the servants entrance as opposed to the front door. Washington natives were a understandably apprehensive about Beck's acolytes since most normal people attending rallies usually do not have to be told to leave their guns at home.
Hot new feud: Tea Party vs. Republican Corporate Establishment – As the hope and change thingy got replaced by fear and loathing, a group of angry conservatives developed a habit of dressing up in Revolution War garb and demanding independence from the British. This is where George Michael found out it wasn't THAT kind of teabagging.
When confronted with the fact its 2010 and not 1776 the teabaggers turned their furor on the GOP establishment during election primaries, setting the stage for the real power struggle in Washington next year. Those who want to totally slash Gov't spending against the GOP's corporate overlords who have no desire to see Gov't spending get cut.
Meanwhile some people wanted to blame the Mexicans – If you are Hispanic, a legal resident, and live in Arizona now may be a really good time to get involved in politics or least vote to counter state legislators who apparently do not like you very much. Demonstrated with the passage of SB1070 which allowed police to demand proof of ID of anyone they suspect is illegal (in other words having brown skin) which presumably would result in racial profiling and harassment.
However, before every restaurant kitchen in Phoenix could be emptied out, one of those ‘activist’ Federal judges put a halt to the law citing some small little issue of it violating the US Constitution. But the joke may be on all those rich, wrinkled white people because in 20 years they’ll need someone to wipe their ass in the nursing home.
Ever hear the World’s most annoying sound? – American sports fans were introduced to the vuvezela during soccer’s World Cup.
American Idol wasn’t the only big lineup change – The non-stop party that is Kim Jong-Il's North Korea will take a breather to welcome in his son Kim Il-something-or-other as successor. Foreign analysts presume that Junior helps prove the crazy don’t fall far from the batshit. Seeing as he’s only 27 years old he probably can play the ultimate ‘Do you know who Iam?’ card at clubs and parties. Plus with keys to a nuclear arsenal, Junior can probably have his way demanding free upgrades on airline miles when on the phone with his credit card rewards program.
Top Five Reasons You Can't Blame the (Not really at) Ground Zero Mosque – Never one to miss a chance to demagogue an issue, Newt Gingrich has helped create a dangerous backlash against a proposed mosque near Ground Zero and because nothing says patriotism like cheaply politicizing a Nat'l tragedy. Before anyone starts warming up the bonfire to burn Korans let’s take a few items into consideration
1.You have to differentiate between normal peaceful Muslims and the asswipes who blew up the World Trade Center. These terrorists who were no more a true reflection of Muslims than Pat Robertson is a true reflection of Christianity.
2.It’s really not a mosque, but more of a Muslim YMCA that happens to be open to everyone.
3.It's not really at Ground Zero but two blocks away where within that radius you can find a strip club, an assortment of illegal drugs, and prostitution presumably aimed at the after-hours Wall Street crowd. If Gingrich was worried about desecrating hollowed ground of 9/11 victims start with eliminating those.
4.There happens to be ANOTHER mosque that's even closer to Ground Zero and has been existence since 1968.
5. On the actual site of the Ground Zero are several new office towers that whenever someone goes to the bathroom where does that plumbing go to reach the sewers?...through the resting place of 3,000 people.
Think about that one for second. The site of our Nation's greatest tragedy could not overcome the high corporate real estate value of lower Manhattan. Sort of like building a condo on the site of Pearl Harbor because the ocean views were too good to pass up.If you wanna get mad about desecration, blame the developers not the Muslims.
Hottest Summer Ever (no really) – Around here in Jersey, this summer was statistically the hottest on record with a record 53 days eclipsing the 90 degree mark. It was so hot even the camels at the zoo were telling their trainers ‘F**k this man, I’m staying inside’. Strangely all the climate change deniers were pretty quiet during this time
So as temps climbed, Obama’s approval dropped – What’s becoming apparent is that Obama got rolled by Wall Street because as they posted record profits, folks on Main Street still cannot find a job or those with a job aren’t feeling too secure about it.You know Wall Street now officially runs the place when at Congressional hearings, Goldman Sachs was presented with evidence they sold investors on bad deals then had the balls to bet against those bad deals in some strange mechanism called derivatives. Their response was ‘yeah, so?’
Thankfully there were some great vacation deals on the Gulf coast – With an exploding oil rig followed by blithering incompetence from British Petroleum, the Gulf of Mexico resembled the port-a-potty at a Texas chili cook off.
Interestingly gas prices stayed relatively affordable throughout the whole debacle which seems strange considering normally someone so much as sneezes on a oil rig and World Petroleum prices go up $10 a barrell. Not that I’m implying collusion or price fixing or anything like that among oil companies since they seem so trustworthy from what they tell us in their commercials.
Who you calling ‘We’ White Man? – Fulfilling Obama’s observation that rednecks tend to cling to their guns and bibles during times of uncertainty, Glenn Beck was able to fill the void with his ‘I have a Scheme’ speech….urr….Restore Honor rally in Washington DC convincing 90,000 angry, old, white people that America’s salvation lay in his new book available for only $29.99.
Not sure when exactly America lost its honor but I have a suspicion honor is one of those code phrases for the good old days when Obama had to enter the White House through the servants entrance as opposed to the front door. Washington natives were a understandably apprehensive about Beck's acolytes since most normal people attending rallies usually do not have to be told to leave their guns at home.
Hot new feud: Tea Party vs. Republican Corporate Establishment – As the hope and change thingy got replaced by fear and loathing, a group of angry conservatives developed a habit of dressing up in Revolution War garb and demanding independence from the British. This is where George Michael found out it wasn't THAT kind of teabagging.
When confronted with the fact its 2010 and not 1776 the teabaggers turned their furor on the GOP establishment during election primaries, setting the stage for the real power struggle in Washington next year. Those who want to totally slash Gov't spending against the GOP's corporate overlords who have no desire to see Gov't spending get cut.
Meanwhile some people wanted to blame the Mexicans – If you are Hispanic, a legal resident, and live in Arizona now may be a really good time to get involved in politics or least vote to counter state legislators who apparently do not like you very much. Demonstrated with the passage of SB1070 which allowed police to demand proof of ID of anyone they suspect is illegal (in other words having brown skin) which presumably would result in racial profiling and harassment.
However, before every restaurant kitchen in Phoenix could be emptied out, one of those ‘activist’ Federal judges put a halt to the law citing some small little issue of it violating the US Constitution. But the joke may be on all those rich, wrinkled white people because in 20 years they’ll need someone to wipe their ass in the nursing home.
Ever hear the World’s most annoying sound? – American sports fans were introduced to the vuvezela during soccer’s World Cup.
American Idol wasn’t the only big lineup change – The non-stop party that is Kim Jong-Il's North Korea will take a breather to welcome in his son Kim Il-something-or-other as successor. Foreign analysts presume that Junior helps prove the crazy don’t fall far from the batshit. Seeing as he’s only 27 years old he probably can play the ultimate ‘Do you know who Iam?’ card at clubs and parties. Plus with keys to a nuclear arsenal, Junior can probably have his way demanding free upgrades on airline miles when on the phone with his credit card rewards program.
Top Five Reasons You Can't Blame the (Not really at) Ground Zero Mosque – Never one to miss a chance to demagogue an issue, Newt Gingrich has helped create a dangerous backlash against a proposed mosque near Ground Zero and because nothing says patriotism like cheaply politicizing a Nat'l tragedy. Before anyone starts warming up the bonfire to burn Korans let’s take a few items into consideration
1.You have to differentiate between normal peaceful Muslims and the asswipes who blew up the World Trade Center. These terrorists who were no more a true reflection of Muslims than Pat Robertson is a true reflection of Christianity.
2.It’s really not a mosque, but more of a Muslim YMCA that happens to be open to everyone.
3.It's not really at Ground Zero but two blocks away where within that radius you can find a strip club, an assortment of illegal drugs, and prostitution presumably aimed at the after-hours Wall Street crowd. If Gingrich was worried about desecrating hollowed ground of 9/11 victims start with eliminating those.
4.There happens to be ANOTHER mosque that's even closer to Ground Zero and has been existence since 1968.
5. On the actual site of the Ground Zero are several new office towers that whenever someone goes to the bathroom where does that plumbing go to reach the sewers?...through the resting place of 3,000 people.
Think about that one for second. The site of our Nation's greatest tragedy could not overcome the high corporate real estate value of lower Manhattan. Sort of like building a condo on the site of Pearl Harbor because the ocean views were too good to pass up.If you wanna get mad about desecration, blame the developers not the Muslims.
Friday, August 13, 2010
It's Time for NEW RULES (2010 Edition)
Yes I shamelessly borrowed this concept from Bill Maher
NEW RULE 1 Sex addiction no longer allowed as an excuse for celebrities caught cheating – By now we all know the routine, celeb gets caught in affair, celeb goes into 'sex rehab', celeb does confessional on Oprah, then all is supposedly forgiven. No more, if you're a celebrity and you get having an extramarital affair you don't have a sex addiction, but rather you were someone who won the genetic lottery, had other options sexually and chose to use them.
NEW RULE 2: The TLC Channel must change its name – TLC whose current acronym stands for The Learning Channel must change its name since nothing on that channel is anything worth learning. Unless you still film 'Jon and Kate Plus 8' to document how fame can disintegrate a marriage and corrupt individuals. A possible suggestion for a new name is The 'Dwarfs and dweebs having way too many kids along with some gibroni in New Jersey baking cakes which somehow is supposed to be cute' channel. Also applies to Discovery Health which will now be renamed 'Judging the Mentally Ill' channel.
NEW RULE 3: The Oscars must be subject to a recall vote – This is because upon further review there is absolutely no comprehendible, conceivable, f***ing way that Gwyneth Paltrow beats out Cate Blanchett for Best Actress in 1999. See also: Dances with Wolves over Goodfellas for Best Picture in 1991, Forrest Gump over Pulp Fiction for Best Picture in 1995, and the documentary Hoop Dreams never getting nominated in Best Documentary that same year.
NEW RULE 4: Celebrity sex tapes cannot be released unless it's a celebrity we actually want to see have sex – Tapes involving Kendra Wilkinson, Kim Kardashian, et al are acceptable if they can pass the '15 test' which is will a 15 year old teenage boy be aroused enough to want spank off to it. Otherwise shifts to the latter category featuring Pamela Anderson, Tanya Harding, et al where they will be banned for benefit of public health to prevent unintended vomiting. However any sex tape featuring Megan Fox must played on a 24 hour cycle on all major broadcast networks.
NEW RULE 5: The Idle wealthy cannot complain....about anything – Recent studies have shown that rich people who don't work and don't have to (reference: Rich Housewives of New York, trust fund babies, children adopted by Brangelina) are the most likely to seek therapy several times a week because apparently being rich is such a burden with all of its little problems. Therefore counseling for them is limited to forced viewing of the following footage in a never ending loop: 1) kids rummaging a sewage canal for food in Indonesia, 2) a mother hoping to get formula for her starving child in refugee camp in Haiti, 3) working class family in middle America trying to figure out how to pay their mortgage and avoid foreclosure.
NEW RULE 6: Anyone who still chants 'Drill Baby Drill!' is officially a moron – After seeing the calamity in the Gulf of Mexico does anyone still want to argue that finding an alternative energy source other than oil is still a waste of time? If you answered 'Yes' please grab a bucket, mop, gloves and report to the Louisiana coast for clean up duty. Then if the answer is still 'Yes' please see an unemployed Gulf fisherman so they shove a bucketload of oil covered shrimp down your throat.
NEW RULE 7: Creationists cannot be Anti-Environment – If you're a fundamentalist Christian who holds a literal interpretation of the Bible that Earth is only 5,000 years, there is no way you can be in favor of multi-national Energy companies, since oil is formed by decomposing matter from fossils that give or take a couple of MILLION years to form. Because that would be illogical.
NEW RULE 8: Musicians cannot have a 'Retirement' tour one year then several years later stage a 'Comeback' tour – This is sort a hybrid of the Garth Brooks, Eninem, Jay-Z rule because with average cost to see a concert now exceeding $100 per person no one really wants to be jerked around. Therefore alternately must be called 'We're going away on vacation for a three year drug bender' tour followed several years later by the 'Our accountant called with bad news so we're back on the road for more cash' tour.
NEW RULE 9: The Jonas Brothers are officially banned from the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame – Any 'rock' band that poses on the cover of Good Housekeeping with their mom is not a rock band, plus any 'rock' band where middle aged parents like to listen to it as much as their kids is not a rock band. Therefore I place this curse upon The Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame: Should any of the Jonas Brothers ever enter its hallowed halls even to use the bathroom, the remaining members of The Sex Pistols will burn it to the ground with the Jonas Brothers inside then urinate on its ashes.
NEW RULE 10: Jesus Needs new PR – Effective immediately, Pope Benedict, Pat Robertson, The Religious Right, et al you are all fired. Please collect your things and leave out the side door as we'll send your 2-week severance in the mail. We who do believe are tired of having to apologize to non-believers every time you say or do something stupid which lately is roughly once an hour. Therefore we will begin the search for new spokespeople whose embodiment runs more along the lines of that guy who lived 2,000 years ago in Jerusalem whose message centered on peace, love, and understanding. You know THAT guy from whom Christianity gets it namesake. Also we'll need Rev. Fred "I picket funerals of fallen US soldiers with God Hate Fags signs" Phelps and all of your braindead followers to kindly report for euthanasia at your nearest death row prison facility.
NEW RULE 11: Politicians and other public figures can no longer offer Non-Apology 'Apologies' when saying something offensive, stupid (or both) – Here's an example of annoying trend in public discourse. During the South Carolina Republican gubernatorial primary State Sen. Jake Knotts referred to candidate Nikki Haley, an Asian-Indian, as a 'raghead' when describing why he endorsed her main rival. Inevitably a fury ensued so Sen.Knotts offered this contrition in the form of 'Sorry if anyone was offended' which sounded more like 'What the hell is the big deal?' as opposed to a real apology which would sound like 'Sorry, what I said was wrong'. Therefore anyone receiving an non-apology 'apology' is thereby allowed to refer to the offending party's mother as a filthy, c-sucking whore, then say 'Sorry if you were offended'.
And Finally NEW RULE 12: Any wingnut who threatens to leave the US because Obama is President must put their money where their mouth is...AND LEAVE – I was never a very big fan of George Bush but at no time in his Presidency did I ever consider leaving because this is my country, my birthplace, and besides Europe is just too crowded. Lately some on the right-wing fringe have been making noise about fleeing the country because they don't like who got democratically elected as President. Interesting how overnight due to one election we went from World's greatest country to some Authoritarian socialist-fascist state. These people are sort of like bandwagon fans in Sports, cheer on their team when times are great but root for some other team when times are bad. So they bloviate about fleeing to Canada or somewhere in Latin America where personal freedom still exists since America became communist or something (not sure if they realize even Costa Rica has universal healthcare).
If that's the case, then leave because this country can get a lot more done without all the dead weight because as Thomas Paine famously declared that now is not the time for 'sunshine patriots'. I know a tropical paradise that will be perfect where you won't be bothered by who gets elected President, you can have all the individual freedom you want, and the income is tax free because there's no government interference whatsoever! It's called Somalia! Though just remember to pack a lot of guns because you'll probably need them. Meanwhile we'll give your spot to one of the millions of people worldwide waiting to come here as immigrants and start their American dream.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Stoners vs. Grizzlies, Gulf Oil Spill, and Spencer Pratt = Condom FAIL
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
