Libya, The Lamest Sex Scandal Ever, and 10 Things that make John Boehner Cry

Twitter validates the existence of Public Relations Reps – With the advent of Twitter the time and distance between a celebrity saying something really stupid and career ruin is milliseconds. Twenty four hours after the tragic tsunami in Japan. Gilbert Gottfried tweeted ‘The Japanese are so rich, they can have the shoreline come to them’ which the following day led to him losing his endorsement deal for Aflac and just about any entertainment job in the next few months. This is truly a gilded age for PR reps who probably have their Blackberry physically implanted in their ear now. Handling celebrities in this new era of social networking is probably like riding in the passenger seat of a sports car being driven by Gary Busey.

Libya: The revolution will be televised – Not sure if the airstrikes over Libya are wise decision but I do feel that the benefit to Qaddafi being toppled is the Libyan people having a leader who will be much better dressed. Qaddafi pretty much ruled like he dressed, as a truly hot mess. His style could best be described as Laurence of Arabia meets Liberace.

Never underestimate the power of stupidity following a Natural Disaster Part 1 – During the US-Argentina soccer match at the Meadowlands in New Jersey. Someone yelled ‘Konitchiwa bitches!’ during a moment of silence for victims of the Japanese earthquake, and tsunami. I believe there was a time when it was acceptable, even encouraged to drag idiots out into the street and beat them until they were able to think straight.

Never underestimate the power of stupidity following a Natural Disaster Part 2 – A week after the tsunami wiped away whole towns in Japan, the House of Representatives in their proposed budget voted to cutting funds for the US Tsunami Early Warning System. I believe there was a time when the people in Congress represented the best and brightest this country had to offer as willful ignorance was not considered a enviable character trait.

Fun Party Game – Guess which of the two situations the following statement is most likely to be heard: ‘Turn it off! Turn It Off!... God please make it stop!’ Is it someone in the basement of an S&M chamber or someone listening to Kim Kardashian's new single?

The kids actually are alright – Over the past 2 years the US teen pregnancy rate has dropped and researchers actually credited the MTV white trash-sploitation series '16 and Pregnant'. Who knew that kids watching bad role models on TV would persuade them to do the opposite and make good life choices? One can only hope that 'The Jersey Shore' will lead to a surge in literacy and college graduation rates.

The Most Pathetic Sex Scandal Ever – Congressman Chris Lee from New York was forced to resign after being caught soliciting women via Craigslist for sex. (Fun Bonus fact: he was later discovered trolling around the transsexual escort section). If you are going busted for an extra-marital affair at least make it worth your while and actually have sex. If your career is going to be destroyed by a cellphone pic at least go out in a blaze of glory with a picture of you snorting coke off a hooker’s ass or something. On the Eliot Spitzer scale of politician horndoggery this ranks a big fat 0.

Best Moment of Unintended Hilarity Nominee, Part 1 – In Fort Wayne, Indiana a proposal to build a statue honoring a former mayor had to be shelved, not because noted mayor ever did anything wrong. But because noted mayor’s name was Harry Baals, and apparently the city hall got tired of being asked if the statue had a pair of big brass ones or it enjoyed giving a Roman Soldier helmet.

Best Moment of Unintended Hilarity Nominee, Part 2 – The Utah state legislature elicited all sorts of childish pointing and giggling when at a press conference announced The Dutch Oven had been voted as official state appliance. The joke was lost on lawmakers until a few of them went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner and a waiter explained why they might want to avoid the refried beans.

How ‘The Bachelor’ validates the existence of gay marriage – A feminist friend once argued that a show like The Bachelor does more to hurt women than porn ever will. Mainly because it makes women seem like the only way to validate their lives if they have some handsome, rich tool marry them. I’ll add to that in saying if heterosexual marriage is now exemplified by a game show where 16 women whore themselves out to some dolt who won the genetic lottery all for a diamond ring. Then why can’t gays and lesbians marry?

Top 10 Things that make John Boehner Cry – Well its official, men can cry in public without scorn as evidenced by Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner’s frequent sobbing. Here is a definitive list that will guarantee the waterworks from the distinguished gentleman from Ohio:

1.The sound of little children at play

2.Kittens

3.Freshly cut grass on a golf course when Spring is in bloom and sun is shining and the clubhouse tab picked up by someone else

4.The clinking sound ice makes when put into glass followed by the pouring of Scotch after a hard day of “doin’ the people’s business” at the private Congressional lounge.

5.Savoring the aroma from unwrapping a new pack of Marlboro Lights

6.The view from a private jet en route to a corporate sponsored junket in Hawaii

7.The peace and quiet that follows a meeting with Newt Gingrich

8.The tragedy of when a Fortune 500 company can’t utilize loopholes in the corporate tax code to avoid taxes on mega profits

9.The emptiness felt when looking at the corner of his office where his tanning machine would normally be but is in the repair shop.

10.That crisp smell of pen ink emanating off a freshly written tobacco lobby check which takes him back to the first time he realized being Speaker means you don’t have to ask for money. The money comes asking for you.

In Defense of Public Employees

Normally I don't get swept up too heavily in political issues or causes because frankly it would make me mental (and my wife will attest I already have enough of that). But one issue though has grabbed my attention enough so that I can't help but add my voice to already crowded blogosphere.

Over the past week, Republican statehouses in Wisconsin, Ohio, and Indiana have introduced legislation to essentially destroy the unions of Public workers which hits home for me because both my parents worked for the State of Ohio. Before you assume my parents were the oft-repeated stereotype of the lazy, underwhelming, mediocre public worker who could not hack it in the private sector allow me to break some pre-conceived notions.

My Dad managed about dozen investigators for the worker's comp fraud division and annually saved Ohio taxpayers millions of dollars by rooting out bad, fraudulent claims and recuperating money taken from these claims. He was frequently out in the field trying to catch cheats in the act and once had his car window smashed by a baseball bat, and even had a shotgun pointed at him.

Some people liken their workplace to an insane asylum but my Mom actually worked in one. As a psychologist specializing in Schizophrenia, she worked at the Central Ohio Psychiatric Hospital evaluating accused criminals claiming insanity to determine state of mind at time of crime for legal proceedings. Essentially her job was to root out the bullshit artists from those who were actually crazy. Fun bonus fact: the old COPH hospital was creepy and haunted! (a story for another time).

Needless to say due to the nature of thier jobs, when 'Take Your Kid To Work' day came around I was stuck at school. It also meant I could never get away with lying, ever. But I wonder if Ohio Gov.John Kasich (R-Assclown) would consider my parents not worthy of the right to collective bargain pay raises and health insurance in return for good, honest work? My parents like many other public employees were smart, skilled people providing a important role to the general public. Like teachers, policemen, social workers, civil engineers, policy analysts, etc. They chose to take a lower pay in the public sector because they felt their jobs meant something and were important to society at large (see below).

But they also from time to time needed the protection of unions because in a political environment like State Gov't, the little guy needs someone on their side. In the 1970's my Mom evaluated a serial rapist named Billy Milligan (good info on Wikipedia) who claimed to have multiple personalities. My mom stated he wasn't crazy but was actually a brilliant sociopath who managed to con several supposed top-flight experts. She was overruled and Milligan was released and went on to rape several coeds at Ohio State. When my Mom blew the whistle her bosses tried to punish her, but thankfully the union stood up for us and protected her job.

Now Mr.Kasich believe it or not we've met before when I was in the 1st grade and you came to talk to us kids about Politics back when you were starting a undistinguished career in Congress. Which dovetailed to a undistinguished TV show on Fox News followed by a undistinguished career in the private sector, which should result in a undistinguished term as Governor. Even then I could tell you were sleazeball and a liar (those lollypops handouts you probably stole from some other kids).

So let's be honest Mr.Kasich is it coincidence that three Republican held statehouses are enacting the exact same legislation at the same time? No, because frankly Governor you're really not that smart. I have the feeling this is just the first shot in attempt by the mighty corporate oligarchy of this country to roll back Labor laws to the 19th century. If we follow the money we find the same Billionaires who bankroll the 'Tea Party movement*' (What? You thought it was a spontaneous movement?) funded these politicians to have their self interests enacted under the guise of public policy.
(*-Tea Party officially licensed as subsidiary of Koch Enterprises, Inc.)

I support capitalism as much as Donald Trump but I also support the worker's rights to organize, workplace safety, anti-discrimination, equal pay for equal work among men and women, unemployment insurance, overtime if you work more than 40 hours, and that kids under age of 18 actually have to go to school instead of serving as cheap labor. To answer Glenn Beck these are not communist values but American values. Rights that unions and workers have fought throughout our history and are still worth fighting for today.

If you are a private sector employee and think none of this has anything to do with you think again. Watch, soon we'll be asked to relinquish unemployment benefits, then Medicare, then Social Security in the name of shared sacrifice because apparently raising taxes on rich individuals and corporations to balance budgets is tantamount to terrorism (or something). Notice how public sector workers conveniently provide a scapegoat by both Repubs and Democrats alike to blame for budget deficits and other fiscal misadventures.

Now before the Palinites send the hatemail understand I believe in limited Gov't and balanced budgets. Ideally Gov't should be like an iPhone: small, but highly effective and serving many needs at once while making most efficient use of resources. But I also believe we need Gov't to serve interest of people not corporations. And as the most prosperous country on Earth there's no reason that business owners can't enjoy profits while their workers enjoy a decent wage to have a comfortable living. So in other words. quit blaming public service workers!

And that's all I got to say about that!

Five Celebrities who I wish would retire

The hardest thing in a person’s life is knowing when it’s time to exit the stage. That pearl of wisdom came to me in college during Homecoming in the form of a drunk 70 year alumni at a liquor store who I think was talking about life. But he also may have been talking about calling it night after peeing his pants and collapsing into a empty case of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the parking lot. However that’s a discussion for another day

Anyway at some point in our lives it is time to call it a career and ride off into the sunset while ideally you’re still on top and the only other way forward is down. That’s especially true of celebrities where careers are like parties. It’s alright to be there first at the party, but not last and certainly not BOTH. The perfect timing for exiting a party is to of duck out right when you sense the party has crested and the downswing is about to begin. Best example was Johnny Carson who upon retirement in 1992 never had higher ratings and his comedy had never lost an edge. We’ll always remember Johnny at his best. Sadly the same cannot be said of these celebrities who not only stayed at the party too long but are still there long after the cleaning lady left.

1.Hugh Hefner – The man who started the flames of the sexual revolution and convinced Americans to loosen up their collar while unbuttoning something else seemed to have the fitting ending when he married in the early 80’s and settled down. The persona of velvet robe wearing, pipe smoking, and Martini drinking ladies man put to rest and ideally memorialized in the Smithsonian or some another monument to Pop Culture. Freeze frame. Cue credits. Story done.

But then he divorced, and then Viagra happened to where as he got older the women got younger and the World’s oldest bachelor schtick got really stale. And instead of looking cool, it just looks downright creepy. As Chris Rock put it ‘The real reason men marry? Cause they don’t to be the old man at the club’. Which is great advice for kids along with Rock’s other truism ‘Regardless of whatever a stripper tells you. There’s absolutely no sex in the champagne room.’ (Does not apply to professional athletes, rappers, or Charlie Sheen)

2. Dick Clark – Anyone who went to a New Year’s party undoubtedly counted it down with Dick Clark and his allegedly ‘rockin’ TV special. At every party, I’ll bet there was some smackass who had a little too much to drink and decided to entertain the crowd with a Dick Clark impersonation. And most likely it wasn’t flattering given this New Year’s for Clark was his 8th after the stroke which robbed him of smooth voice and delivery. Not to mention he looked even weirder with his new facelift.

We all applauded his triumphant return in 2004 and that seemed like a good time to hand over the keys to the human whitenoise machine, Ryan Secrest. But he stayed on and lately the typical countdown has not been going too well: “10,9,8,7,7,7..uh 5,3 (Officially midnight, bal hits bottom),4,2,1 Happy Birthday!..no..wait… New Year’s…YAY!” Now I’m not making light of or poking fun at stroke victims but I’d like to say to Dickie C. is "It’s Ok to let go. There’s no shame in walking away’ Because we’d like to remember the World’s Oldest Teenager as just that: a teenager. And not a grim walking reminder of the cruel frailty of life.

3. Pam Anderson – Oh, Pammy can we talk? Let’s be honest. Sure you were hottest woman on the planet, but that was circa 1990 in the era before internet porn, where unless your dad had a Playboy subscription, the only satisfaction a hormonal filled teenager could get was watching Who’s the Boss reruns with Alyssa Milano or Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie’ music video when no one else was around. That’s not to take away from your accomplishment of having best selling Playboy issues of all time and causing a generation of Moms to ask ‘Who the hell keeps using up all the Kleenex?’

But then you got implants, got married to Tommy Lee, and all of our hearts were broken when that sex tape leaked and ruined the fantasy. Now it’s just sad especially that gravity has taken hold. As one comedienne put it ‘Pam Anderson taking off her clothes is like the ending to any M.Night Shyamalan movie. In both cases you’re wondering what the hell was that.’ There really is something to said about aging gracefully and dressing age appropriate. It’s about recognizing that while life comes in stages and some things in the past can’t be recaptured, you can still be sexy at any age. Perhaps Pam could take a turn on the cover of AARP magazine. Then it would mark the first time in over a decade someone snuck off alone to the bathroom with a magazine featuring her.

4.Larry King – oh never mind. CNN already took care of that.

5.Jaden and Willow Smith – Now I know they’re just kids but this crap can stop right now. I’m serious. This is bulls**t. Will Smith would have better luck reigniting Jazzy Jeff’s career then trying to launch his offspring. They have about as much talent as those idiots who try out for American Idol. You know the really bad ones who may have a mental disorder. But at least some of the rejects on Idol are entertaining. This is nepotism at its worst. And don’t even try to make the argument ‘Well Sofia Coppola did pretty on her own well even though her dad is Francis Ford Coppola’ It’s a false equivalency so don’t even go there! Its not even close…ugggh where’s the Advil

Five Celebrities whose careers I don't understand

With British actor Rupert Everett’s recent http://thecelebritycafe.com/feature/rupert-everett-disses-jennifer-aniston-12-30-2010 epic rant of questioning why Jennifer Aniston has a career of course got him crucified by the celebrity fluffer crowd since she apparently occupies some Hollywood royalty. Seeing as a funeral gets more laughs than one of her patented romantic ‘comedies’ it does raise the question of why does she still have career. Post Friends she has 0 Oscar noms, 0 successful movies and since 0+0=0 that should be the sum of her box office viability. In the real world regardless of your chosen profession if you suck at what you do chances are you won’t last long in that career (unless you work at our local K-Mart then you get promoted to store manager.) but I digress.


This got me thinking about five other celebrities whose career I don’t understand

1.Gwyneth Paltrow - Owen Gleiberman at Entertainment Weekly recently http://insidemovies.ew.com/2011/01/12/gwyneth-paltrow-why-do-they-hate-her/ovies.ew.com/2011/01/12/gwyneth-paltrow-why-do-they-hate-her/ asked whether Paltrow’s movies bomb because of audience’s perceived bias against her because of privileged background. There is that, given her insufferable attitude exhibited early in her career (remember the ‘revolted by Americans’ comment) and let’s be honest would she have gotten famous if her mother wasn’t Blythe Danner (Answer No.)

My response to Mr. Gleiberman is she is underappreciated because of her underwhelming talent. Yes she’s an alright actress but if acting were like dessert, Paltrow would be vanilla ice cream compared to the Ben and Jerry flavors of a Kate Winslet or gourmet chocolate cake of a Meryl Streep. Oh one more thing Mr.Gleiberman, according to your magazine's poll of Oscar voters. If there was ever a recall vote for Academy Awards, her 1998 one for Best Actress would be going to Cate Blanchett.

2.Ryan Secrest - Here's where I’m confused. When I think of the qualities needed for a live TV show host I think of someone with charisma, charm, and above all a personality. Same goes for a radio host, and a New Year’s Eve host especially if they get paid $20 million a year. Which brings me to the human rice cake Ryan Secrest. His career personifies my Jonas Brothers theory of music applied to television. Simply put the theory states network TV like radio has now gone full circle from its inception in the 50’s of bland, boring, milquetoast programming to edgy social satire of the 70's (ala All in the Family, Maude, M.A.S.H) and back again. Much of this driven by Janet Jackson's flashing her boob at the Super Bowl so present day TV execs look for the whitest, blandest, non-threatening person you can find leading to Secrest…IN

But here’s where Secrest crosses over into douche territory. He actually believes his success to be the result of hard work, determination, and…wait for it….talent. (pause for you to laugh hysterically) When in actuality he got his job through sheer, dumb, odds-defying luck. Not even Judd Apatow could make him the least bit entertaining in Knocked Up. He’s like that RA in college who was the resident killjoy and trolled the halls of the dorm on Saturday nights looking for people to bust for having a good time. Then gets rewarded by hosting the dorm talent show.

3.Ashton Kutcher - Here is something you’ll never hear around the watercooler or at parties when the conversation veers to comedies, ‘Man that new Ashton Kutcher movie was hilarious!’ Sure his Michael Kelso character on That 70’s Show was funny and Punk’d was clever for about 3 episodes but over time he’s proven to be a one trick pony. The pitch meetings for his movies are summed up as “So it’s Ashton as Michael Kelso playing a (fill in the blank) opposite actress (fill in the blank) in an overly contrived (fill in the blank) situation and hilarity ensues!” Only it never does.

4.Kate Hudson - I always wondered how Hudson avoids the TSA watch list given she’s strung together more bombs than the Irish Republican Army. Similar to Aniston, a commercial pleading for starving children in Africa generates more laughs than any rom-com Hudson has appeared in. Similar to Paltrow begs to ask the question, if she didn’t win the genetic lottery of being Goldie Hawn’s daughter would she still be famous (Answer No.) In terms of her acting skill, I've seen a mannequin exude more vitality and emotion

5.The Olsen Twins - Not that I'm one to pick on looks but the Olsen Twins (Ashley and Mary-Kate) highlight unique example of where the ugliness of the outside is matched only by the ugliness of what's inside. Evidenced by how not once in any interview or public appearance have they ever shown any ounce of gratitude to the fans who made them stars and made them rich growing up. Not once. And has resulted in a obnoxious sense of entitlement as adults rearing its ugly head in public where they seem unhappy about everything is what makes them so loathsome.

First were the movies, starting with the truly craptastic straight-to-video gems that can now only be found in the $1 clearance bin of any Blockbuster store liquidation sale. Their only real feature film New York Minute was so bad that ticket takers in theaters would reply 'Uh, really?' to the handful of people idiotic enough to pay money for it. So with their acting career flushed down the toilet in the same manner which their bodyguard dumped the prescription pills belonging to Mary Kate when Heath Ledger was found dead in her apartment(allegedly).

The undynamic duo then became primarily famous for showing up at Red-Carpet events looking emaciated, in state of perpetual moping, with the facial expression of someone who just sucked on a lemon and a 'fashion' sense that would drive Michael Kors to rip out his eyeballs. Yet amazingly, the self-appointed Glitteratti swoon to every appearance and they somehow manage to get taken seriously for their opinions of taste and style matter. The mystery of who actually digs the Olson Twins is right up there with what kind of music honk buys Yoko Ono's albums.

THE 2010 ROSSY AWARDS!!!

Back in the 90's my fraternity started an annual tradition of awarding the best moments of drunkenness, debauchery, and stupdity which became the Rossy Awards.Enjoy!

Best Felony Committed by a Celebrity Impersonator – A man dressed as Santa Claus robbed a series of banks in Central Tennessee around xmas time brandishing a gun and red sack to carry the cash. Witnesses described suspect as having twinkling eyes, cheeks as red as roses, and belly that looked like a bowl full of jelly. FBI noted to be lookout a miniature sleigh being pulled by eight tiny reindeer with one of them reported to have a shiny red nose

Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - Guys dream of knocking over a casino but one armed bandit managed to live it and steal $1.5 million from the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Not bad for a day's work except for one problem. He stole $1.5 million in $25K chips instead of cash which are only redeemable at...the Bellagio. As George Clooney noted in Ocean's Eleven, 'It's always the little details that matter'

Best Fight (Non-Drinking) Category – At the Comicon convention in San Diego, a comic book enthusiast (PC term for nerd) was stabbed in the eye with a pencil by another comic book enthusiast during an argument over a front row seat for a Q&A with Seth Rogan and cast of ‘The Green Hornet’. No word if the assailant was apprehended by an actual superhero or someone dressed as a superhero. Seth Rogan later visited victim in hospital asking if a glass eye could double as a one-hitter adding that it would be ‘far-out’.

Best Fight (Drinking) Category – A patron at a karaoke bar in Manila, Philippines ended up being shot and killed as a result of a fight with other patrons who did not like his version of the Frank Sinatra song ‘My Way’ and apparently wanted it their way. Music Industry experts referred to it as the Phil Spector method of voice coaching. On a possibly related note The Jonas Brothers were advised to never set foot in the Philippines.

Best Addition to the English Language - In divorce papers, former wrestler Hulk Hogan allegedly transformed a proper noun into a verb after he threatened to 'OJ' his wife during an argument. This narrowly defeated the creation of a new adjective of referring to male douchebag behavior as pulling a 'John Mayer'.

The WTF Moment of 2010 – Kim Kardashian allegedly received dozens of death threats from angry Justin Bieber fans via Twitter after the two were companions to the White House Correspondents Dinner. One of which actually prompted a Federal Investigation of a 13 year old who threatened to hijack a plane and crash it into the Kim’s house. Combined with the various mob scenes related to Bieber fever at malls and airports, JBieb fans might be the new Hell's Angels

Best Riot not involving European Soccer or Justin Bieber fans – Police in Hickory, TN were called to a Chuck E Cheese to break up a melee between two families that started over the line for a photobooth. The family fun time eventually ended in criminal charges for threatening a police officer, marijuana possession, and assault after one lucky birthday girl got punched in the face. The last one may be the most serious offense since a knuckle sandwich was normally not included with a birthday package. Management noted to prevent in any future problems they would remove Crystal Meth as a topping from the Sundae Bar.

The Exemplary Use of Firearms with Alcohol Award presented by The Nat’l Rifle Assoc. and Busch Light – A 66 year-old man in Wisconsin was arrested for shooting out his television with a shotgun after becoming enraged that Bristol Palin advanced to the finals of Dancing With The Stars which led to a 14 hour standoff with police. Because the defendant had mental issues and was 'sort of' drinking at the time, his attorneys planned an insanity defense citing no normal man in his right mind would voluntarily watch Dancing With The Stars.

The Karma Is a Bitch Award – Ivana Trump, ex-wife of Donald Trump and plastic surgery failure was thrown off an flight from Palm Beach to New York after having a tantrum about small kids crying in First Class.

The Silvio Berlesconi Award (given for best political sex scandal) – The governor of the Hyderabad region of India, Andhra Pradesh was forced to resign his office after a videotape surfaced of his performance as a amateur porn star with not one but two ladies of the night. Adult website reviews generally noted he will never be mistaken for Tommy Lee anytime soon

Best Sports moment not making Top 10 Plays of the Year – A husband in Norwalk, CT was arrested for threatening his wife with a knife after becoming angry that she canceled ESPN on their cable package. Meanwhile the Rossy Committee is about 95% sure the on-air talent at ESPN referenced the incident with either a bad pun or overused catch phrase

The Happy Hour Lasted An Hour Too Long Award – State Police in Oliver, PA found a drunken 55 year-old man in the middle of a highway trying to revive an opossum that had been flattened by a car with mouth to mouth resuscitation. The animal do-gooder was handed a citation for Drunk & Disorderly along with a pack of breath mints.

Employee of the Month Award – A Verizon debt collector was fired after telling a Las Cruces, NM customer that she would ‘blow up his mother***ing house’ over a $308 bill. Also Verizon was forced to phase out some late penalties including kneecapping, kidnapping or going for a 'drive' to a secluded swamp in New Jersey. The incident capped off a milestone year for customer service at Verizon where they were also sued after refusing to shut off phone service for deceased people claiming death certificates were not enough for proof of death

Best Moment of Unintentional Hilarity – During a blood drive pep rally at a Norwin, PA high school, students witnessed an epic misadventure with Microsoft PowerPoint when a presenter from the American Red Cross accidently opened a file containing gay porn instead of one about blood donation. Luckily for students the situation served as a teachable moment about the importance of accurately naming computer files so that myschoolpresentation.ppt could never get confused with mygayporn.ppt

The Charlie Sheen Award – This year the Rossy Committee has established a new award for epic achievement in partying and clearly only one man can bear its namesake! Mr.Charlie Sheen exemplifies excellence in the art of the good time and in 2010 set the gold standard after NYC Police were called to his suite at the Plaza Hotel to discover him naked, trashing the room in an apparent rage stemming from bad cocaine sold to him earlier that evening. Oh yeah there was a hooker hiding in the closet, too. In addition the Rossy Committee would like to acknowledge Mr.Sheen for the all-time greatest celebrity quote.Ever. “I don’t pay prostitutes for sex, I pay them to leave’

AND FINALLY..The Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee for 2010! -
A 30 year-old man in Sarasota, FL was arrested at Wal-Mart after being observed masturbating to a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in the toy aisle then leaving the residue in the middle of the floor during store hours. Since defendant will be spending his New Year's in county lockup, to accept the award will be whoever had to answer the call for ‘Clean Up in Aisle 5’.

Victoria's Secret gets men in trouble, Wikileaks, and the ONLY post-election that matters

The graph that sums up the entire election – As usual the news network village idiots (aka political correspondents) managed to get it all wrong. No David Gregory it wasn’t about healthcare reform and No Fox News, America is not suddenly in love with conservatism again.

The red line shows percent job losses since this latest recession began. We are already past the halfway at which most jobless rates improved from prior recessions. Obama’s reelection prospects are directly correlated to this graph. If by 2012 the red line is still mired in negative territory, he’s a one termer.

Revenge of the Old, White, Angry Voter – I’ve seen elderly folks riot and it wasn’t pretty. For the past two years the cost of living increase for Social Security recipients has been frozen which combined with cuts to Medicare equaled one pissed off Granny. This was the other main factor contributing to November's bloodbath for Democrats which the DC punditry class also missed. There was a 22 point swing from Dems to Repubs this election compared to 2008 among voters 65 and older proving Social Security is the third rail of electoral politics, touch it and your career dies.

Introducing the Fourth Branch of Gov't - Contrary to what were taught in Civics class laws do not originate in the Legislative branch but rather the Corporate branch of Gov't. Thanks to the Citizen United case where the Supreme Court tossed out the $2500 limit on what corporations and wealthy individuals can spend on campaign donations, unelected people called lobbyists will now be writing our laws. And these corporations made good use of it with $110 million in campaign contributions with 9 to 1 ratio going to the GOP.....


.....which leads to the Republican plan on solving the economy – Allow Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas) to explain, ‘You either have to work for rich people or make things for rich people’.


The Mad Hatter called and said he wants his tea party back – While election results for the teabaggers were mixed, the guiding governing philosophy of Tea Party candidates seemed to be repeal of the 20th century:

Return to racial segregation – Rand Paul, US Sen Kentucky (winner)

Repeal of the 14th Amendment (grants citizenship to all born in US) – Tom Tancredo, Gov Colorado (loser)

Repeal of the 17th Amendment (allowing direct election of Senators) – Ken Buck, US Sen Colorado (loser)

Repeal of Separation of Church & State, anti-masturbation, and pro witchcraft – Christine O’Donnell, US Sen Delaware (loser)

Bringing Back Prohibition, Elimination of public schools, Elimination of Social Security and Medicare – Sharon Angle, US Sen Nevada (loser)

Elimination of Minimum Wage and worker’s rights – Joe Miller, US Sen Alaska (loser)

Elimination of the Census because it’s really a plot to help create forced re-education camps once an all encompassing Zionist one-World government takeover is completed by Obama who happens to be Kenyan born, Muslim socialist terrorist – Michele Bachmann, US Rep Minnesota and Mayor of Crazytown (winner)

So when exactly does that audacity kick in? – Watching Obama the past few months has been like watching George McFly get beat up in the parking lot in Back To The Future. You keep wondering when does the nerd finally fight back and assert himself against Biff.

But in other news, it was safe to laugh again – Conan O’Brien returned to late night television. Jay Leno still a no talent suck-ass.

Proof that Secret Intelligence is really an oxymoron – Of the more than 200K ‘Top Secret’, ‘Classified’ pages released on the whistleblower site about America’s foreign policy, 95% could be classified as ‘Well, Duh’. Among the Earth shattering information, Canada is our chief ally, China thinks were stupid, and Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has a penchant for Cuban cigars.

Proof times are getting better– Oprah Winfrey announced her show is going off the air.

Proof globalization is now complete – Hearst magazines announced the launch of Cosmopolitan in Mongolia. Among the highlighted stories in the inaugural issue: ‘How to flirt with a goat herder’, ’The hottest looks in sheepskin’, and ‘Try these 5 bedroom moves tonight and turn your timid nomad into Genghis Khan!’

The 2022 FIFA Soccer World Cup Host Announced – and the winner is Qatar! Which is a shame because soccer was just about on the verge of respectability here in the States. The official reason was listed as allowing the Middle East a chance to host the tournament.

Probably the real reasons were either the selection board of FIFA made the decision while breathing in paint thinner or each member was handed a briefcase of unmarked, untraceable cash from Qatari rulers. Either way that Connecticut sized dingleberry of a country on the Persian Gulf was selected where its charms include a repressive monarchy, no alcohol, and no real rights for women. One small possible oversight is the prospect of playing games when the average temperature reaches 130 degrees in summertime.

Ever wonder if the people running your company are idiots? - Now we have confirmation with the show Undercover Boss which goes a long way to explaining decline of American innovation lately. Amazing how CEO's who are supposedly the smartest people in the organization are clueless how things in their companies actually work. Also amazing is how they are continually surprised to learn in this economy that their employees are struggling yet dutifully show up and work hard anyway because their family well-being depends upon doing a good job.

George Bush reminds us he’s still an asshole – In his not very eagerly awaited autobiography, George Bush reveled the worst moment of his presidency was when Kanye West called him a racist. Considering during his tenure Bush witnessed 9/11, the bungled Iraq War, and the drowning of New Orleans during Katrina. Each event resulted in catastrophic loss of life and one would assume those rank up there on the all time list of bad days. However for Junior the worst moment was being a called a name on Nat'l TV. The breadth of his narcissism and ego is stunning.

An Open Letter to Victoria’s Secret –
My Dearest Vicky,

Oh how we men of a certain age and marital status appreciate your catalogs, commercials, and window placement at malls. But we need a little more 'secretness' from you when showing your Lingerie fashion show. You see we can’t really openly enjoy without getting into major trouble with our significant others and developing that skeevy perv feeling we normally get from watching Miley Cyrus videos. Perhaps renaming to something generic like ‘The Victorian Fishing Show’ or ‘Victorian Do It Your Self Tips’ so as to not be conspicuous or anything when TIVO’d. (wink,wink, nudge, nudge)

Sincerely,

All human beings with the XY Chromosome

Summer 2010 Wrap-Up (The Extra Spicy Edition!!!)

Well with summer of 2010 behind us historians may look back as the year Americans became crazy from the heat

Hottest Summer Ever (no really) – Around here in Jersey, this summer was statistically the hottest on record with a record 53 days eclipsing the 90 degree mark. It was so hot even the camels at the zoo were telling their trainers ‘F**k this man, I’m staying inside’. Strangely all the climate change deniers were pretty quiet during this time

So as temps climbed, Obama’s approval dropped – What’s becoming apparent is that Obama got rolled by Wall Street because as they posted record profits, folks on Main Street still cannot find a job or those with a job aren’t feeling too secure about it.You know Wall Street now officially runs the place when at Congressional hearings, Goldman Sachs was presented with evidence they sold investors on bad deals then had the balls to bet against those bad deals in some strange mechanism called derivatives. Their response was ‘yeah, so?’


Thankfully there were some great vacation deals on the Gulf coast – With an exploding oil rig followed by blithering incompetence from British Petroleum, the Gulf of Mexico resembled the port-a-potty at a Texas chili cook off.

Interestingly gas prices stayed relatively affordable throughout the whole debacle which seems strange considering normally someone so much as sneezes on a oil rig and World Petroleum prices go up $10 a barrell. Not that I’m implying collusion or price fixing or anything like that among oil companies since they seem so trustworthy from what they tell us in their commercials.

Who you calling ‘We’ White Man? – Fulfilling Obama’s observation that rednecks tend to cling to their guns and bibles during times of uncertainty, Glenn Beck was able to fill the void with his ‘I have a Scheme’ speech….urr….Restore Honor rally in Washington DC convincing 90,000 angry, old, white people that America’s salvation lay in his new book available for only $29.99.

Not sure when exactly America lost its honor but I have a suspicion honor is one of those code phrases for the good old days when Obama had to enter the White House through the servants entrance as opposed to the front door. Washington natives were a understandably apprehensive about Beck's acolytes since most normal people attending rallies usually do not have to be told to leave their guns at home.

Hot new feud: Tea Party vs. Republican Corporate Establishment – As the hope and change thingy got replaced by fear and loathing, a group of angry conservatives developed a habit of dressing up in Revolution War garb and demanding independence from the British. This is where George Michael found out it wasn't THAT kind of teabagging.

When confronted with the fact its 2010 and not 1776 the teabaggers turned their furor on the GOP establishment during election primaries, setting the stage for the real power struggle in Washington next year. Those who want to totally slash Gov't spending against the GOP's corporate overlords who have no desire to see Gov't spending get cut.

Meanwhile some people wanted to blame the Mexicans – If you are Hispanic, a legal resident, and live in Arizona now may be a really good time to get involved in politics or least vote to counter state legislators who apparently do not like you very much. Demonstrated with the passage of SB1070 which allowed police to demand proof of ID of anyone they suspect is illegal (in other words having brown skin) which presumably would result in racial profiling and harassment.

However, before every restaurant kitchen in Phoenix could be emptied out, one of those ‘activist’ Federal judges put a halt to the law citing some small little issue of it violating the US Constitution. But the joke may be on all those rich, wrinkled white people because in 20 years they’ll need someone to wipe their ass in the nursing home.

Ever hear the World’s most annoying sound? – American sports fans were introduced to the vuvezela during soccer’s World Cup.

American Idol wasn’t the only big lineup change – The non-stop party that is Kim Jong-Il's North Korea will take a breather to welcome in his son Kim Il-something-or-other as successor. Foreign analysts presume that Junior helps prove the crazy don’t fall far from the batshit. Seeing as he’s only 27 years old he probably can play the ultimate ‘Do you know who Iam?’ card at clubs and parties. Plus with keys to a nuclear arsenal, Junior can probably have his way demanding free upgrades on airline miles when on the phone with his credit card rewards program.

Top Five Reasons You Can't Blame the (Not really at) Ground Zero Mosque – Never one to miss a chance to demagogue an issue, Newt Gingrich has helped create a dangerous backlash against a proposed mosque near Ground Zero and because nothing says patriotism like cheaply politicizing a Nat'l tragedy. Before anyone starts warming up the bonfire to burn Korans let’s take a few items into consideration

1.You have to differentiate between normal peaceful Muslims and the asswipes who blew up the World Trade Center. These terrorists who were no more a true reflection of Muslims than Pat Robertson is a true reflection of Christianity.

2.It’s really not a mosque, but more of a Muslim YMCA that happens to be open to everyone.

3.It's not really at Ground Zero but two blocks away where within that radius you can find a strip club, an assortment of illegal drugs, and prostitution presumably aimed at the after-hours Wall Street crowd. If Gingrich was worried about desecrating hollowed ground of 9/11 victims start with eliminating those.

4.There happens to be ANOTHER mosque that's even closer to Ground Zero and has been existence since 1968.

5. On the actual site of the Ground Zero are several new office towers that whenever someone goes to the bathroom where does that plumbing go to reach the sewers?...through the resting place of 3,000 people.

Think about that one for second. The site of our Nation's greatest tragedy could not overcome the high corporate real estate value of lower Manhattan. Sort of like building a condo on the site of Pearl Harbor because the ocean views were too good to pass up.If you wanna get mad about desecration, blame the developers not the Muslims.