Since my work computer was being serviced all day by IT decided to make one of those quizzes we could actually use. For the following 12 questions answer Yes or No then add up all Yes responses to determine how much of an a**hole are you:
1. After Japan defeated the US to win the Women's World Cup, did you go on Chat forums and taunt their fans 'Yeah, but we got 2 World Cups and a World War...SCOREBOARD!'
2.Upon hearing Lamar Odom was involved in a car crash resulting in the fatality of a teenager, was your first thought 'Well, police can certainly rule out Lamar being distracted by Khloe Kardashian explaining nuclear physics'?
3.Think back in grade school while you were on a regular school bus and the short bus pulled alongside. There was always that one kid who noticed that A) kids on the short bus looked a little different and B) proceeded to make fun of those kids. Were you that kid?
4.Do a lot of your jokes start out with 'I'm not a racist but...' after looking around cautiously?
5.When Gary Coleman passed away, within 24 hours were you one of those people forwarding dead midget jokes via e-mail? (ie. They say death comes in 3's but Coleman's came in 2.5's)
6. Remember back to a commercial involving Med Alert in the late 80's and a certain iconic scene where an elderly woman on the floor screams 'I'VE FALLEN....AND I CAN'T GET UP!' Did that scene make you laugh? (Add 2 points if in general elderly ladies falling down is humorous to you)
7.Upon seeing Kidnap victim Jaycee Dugard interviewed after her 18 year ordeal, did she register high on your 'Inappropriate Hotness' scale leading you to mention that she's doable while at the Happy Hour with your co-workers?
8.Did you become a New York Yankees fan after 1996 or a Pittsburgh Steelers fan after 2005?
9.When someone shows you baby pictures of kid who's not so cute and her Mom asks if you think she's a pretty baby, did you ever reply 'Not really' (Add 2 points if you replied 'Now I know why Lions eat their young')
10.When walking through a big city and notice a Homeless person panhandling. Have you ever pretended to dig through your pockets to pull out some change only show an empty hand as a gag?
11. At a dinner party, the hostess mentions she's collecting donations for The Special Olympics. Do you attempt to make conversation by mentioning 'I really don't see what's so special about it since anyone can do those events?'
12. Read the following joke from comedian Louis CK then answer as to whether you were able to laugh without the slightest feeling of discomfort or guilt:
'My measure of a person's decency is how long they stopped masturbating after 9/11. For me it as after first tower fell but before the second one did'
Now add up all your Yes answers then check your score:
0 - You are a regular Mother Theresa loved by all living things, especially small children and furry animals
1 through 3: You are Christian Bale, an otherwise decent person but prone to occasional fits of assholishness. Usually your inner sphincter only comes as an angry response to other people like his infamous tirade on the set Terminator or as he would say 'OHHH Good for You!'
4 through 6: You are a Duke University graduate who tends to be a jerk-off by nature but like brilliant sociopaths can be charming when they have to be.
7 through 9: You are Labron James, a adolescent man-child whose assholishness is a unintentional consequence of having every need pandered to by others. He didn't mean to offend Cleveland with 'The Decision' as he was just unaware of other people's feelings. Or completely unaware other people existed period.
10 Or More: You are Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd C. Blankfein and do not feel constrained to the rules and subtleties of human interaction. You don't need to observe the nicety's or civility normally required to gain favor or status in a social setting. Because you're Lloyd (bleepin) Blankfein and therefore don't have to. Exemplified last year at a Congressional Hearing when asked if he wanted to apologize for his company's role in blowing up the economy in 2008, he replied 'No. Not Particularly'. Judaism calls refers to this as Chutzpah or if you are Michele Bachmann it's called Choot-spa.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
It's Time For NEW RULES!!!! (The 2011 Edition)
Yes this concept shamelessly stolen from Bill Maher but it's time for my NEW RULES
NEW RULE #1: Hair Metal Bands from the 80's have to stop blaming Nirvana for the genre's demise - This year marks the 20th anniversary of the release of Nirvana's landmark album Nevermind and undoubtedly there will be whining from aging metalheads blaming the band and subsequent Grunge movement that followed for spoiling the party. Actually heavy metal still lives, just in a different form without all the hairspray, gaudiness, and pleather pants (ie: Disturbed, Sevendust, etc.)
Sadly I'm old enough to remember the pre-Nirvana 90's pop music landscape which was a wasteland of aging 70's rock bands, hair metal, throwaway Pop stars, and clownish Hip-Hop acts. I can specifically recall the first time I listened to Smells Like Teen Spirit on the radio and it was the most refreshing thing I'd ever heard. Sort of the exhilarating feeling that must come after being stuck in a cramped closet with a chain smoker who never bathes but then someone unlocks the door providing an air freshener. Because by 1991 Hair Metal officially descended into self-parody with Warrant's Cherry Pie video. So if Nirvana didn't knock it off its pedestal, someone else surely would have.
NEW RULE #2: But since Grunge flamed out Axl Rose and Slash must reunite to save Rock N Roll - Apparently Maroon 5 and Five for Fighting are the supposed saviors of Rock? Umm no... more like saviors of Adult Contemporary. They basically are this generation's version of Peter Cetera and Chicago. My benchmark for whether music rocks is ask if you were a teenager would cranking it full blast in the car piss off your Mom. With this current crop your Mom would more likely be singing along instead of telling you to shut it off.
So in honor of the upcoming 25th anniversary of their debut album Appetite for Destruction, recorded on a 13 day cocaine/hooker/Jack Daniels fueled bender. I humbly ask surviving members of the ORIGINAL Guns N Roses lineup to save rock music from itself. If GN'R were around today and in prime form, the only reason they would show up on Americas Got Talent would be to burn down the studio and urinate on its ashes.
NEW RULE #3: People angry over Casey Anthony verdict need to realize 'CSI' and 'Law & Order' do not adequately reflect how our criminal justice system works - As much as I think Anthony is probably the Worst Person in the World and whom the gates of Hell cannot open fast enough. You cannot blame the jury because in a Capital Murder Case circumstantial evidence alone should not be enough to convict. Either Anthony is so diabolical she perpetrated one of the most brilliant cover-ups in history or simply the luckiest trailer trash mom alive. But without physical evidence linking her to the crime, the verdict is understandable though I wish they had voted split jury instead of acquittal so the not ready for prime time prosecution team would have a second shot.
If anyone wonders what the flipside to that coin is, take the case of the West Memphis 3 in Arkansas. Back in 1991 a trio of teenagers were convicted of murdering a little boy based solely on the evidence that they liked heavy metal, therefore they must worship Satan, and since one time they hung out in the woods where the boy was murdered it must surely be them. Never mind there was not one shred of physical evidence linking them to the crime. Today they along with far too many others sit on Death Row under questionable prosecution. If you want to get angry over injustice, start getting angry over that.
NEW RULE #4: Nancy Grace needs to STFU - Police in Florida might have been able to connect Anthony to the murder of her daughter via hard evidence had they been given more time and patience by the general public. But Grace and her $10 mall hair cut had to start a virtual lynch mob by playing judge, jury, and executioner creating a spotlight that made their jobs impossible. And why is it that Grace only seems concerned with blond, attractive, All-American girls who go missing? Considering girls and women who live in poor and minority areas tend to be at higher risk of falling prey to sexual violence and exploitation, how about someone advocating for them for a change.
NEW RULE #5: There needs to be a temporary embargo on the use of the word 'Really?' - Uh, Really? Yes, really. It's a clever device when used in response to witnessing a stunning display of ignorance, or something just plain bullshit stupid. But like TV show Glee, and singer Selena Gomez it might becoming a little too big for its own good. Therefore, I impose a one-year moratorium on its use to prevent overuse. Sort of like fishing quotas. In its place is the always acceptable 'Are you (bleeping) kidding me?'
NEW RULE #6: There also needs be a five year embargo on movies based on a comic book - Or a classic but underrated 80's movie, or popular childhood toys from the 80's, or a popular 70's TV show, or a video game, or a Japanese horror film, or a prequel to the last sequel of an already existing superhero movie franchise, or a reimage of a superhero movie done just 15 years ago, or a spin-off of a minor character from a superhero movie, or based on the concept of Superhero X meets Superhero Y, or any superhero movie where the marketing campaign for collectible action figures sold in fast food restaurants came before the writing of the actual script.
NEW RULE #7: Victims of Bernie Madoff must stop complaining - For the most part I don't feel bad for the vast majority of them since for over 20 years while the stock market fluctuated like a rollercoaster, they got magical 5% returns seemingly every month. And not once did they ever bother to question if that was even statistically possible or perhaps something fishy might be going on. Which made them Wall Street's favorite kind of combination in a client: Greedy and Dumb.
Madoff's victims really can't claim collectively of getting bilked out of $40 Billion since they never really had that money to begin with. And considering the court appointed trustee on the case has recuperated $3 Billion dollars to spread among just a few thousand people in compensation. I'd say they made out pretty good, which is a lot more than the average American can say about their life savings after the Financial crisis occurred.
NEW RULE #8: Twitter must idiot-proof the service for pro-athletes, celebrities, and politicians - You know that device on internet log in pages called 'captcha', the squiggly letters or numbers you have to enter before it can be submitted? I'm thinking something along those lines for celeb tweets. Things like 'Hey there sports star, are you sure calling your boss a greedy Jew will really help you get that contract extension?' or 'Hey teen idol, are you sure the Disney home office will like that twit pic of your breasts?' or 'Hey Senator, we noticed someone is trying to send a profile picture of a penis to some 19 year-old. Surely, that wouldn't be YOURS, right?'
NEW RULE #9: Celebrities need to refrain from giving out parenting advice - Oh how cute, some A-List movie or TV star had a baby! And to listen to them gush and gleam over every little burp and bowel movement you'd think they were the first woman ever in the history of human beings to have a baby. Glad to hear celebmoms are happy but the rest of us parents living in the real world really don't want to hear it. I'm guessing a JLo, or a Katie Holmes, or a Kate Hudson never had to run out at 2 in the morning to find a 24 hour pharmacy because the kid has 103 temp, or trek through a snowstorm to get diapers, or dole out the equivalent of a mortgage for daycare. Not saying celebs don't love their kids, but really what can someone with a staff of nannies really say that's useful to anyone.
NEW RULE #10: During political arguments, combatants can no longer call their opponet a Nazi - Last I checked reforming healthcare, raising taxes on the rich, or reforming Social Security does not make somebody a Nazi. That label should be reserved for really specific instances like perpetrating a mass genocide against a religous or ethnic group, and attempting to install worldwide Fascism through military invasion of peaceful countries. Calling my HR Rep a Nazi for warning me about photocopying my ass (I'm speaking hypothetically of course) is a false equivalency which minimalizes the true atrocities inflicted by them and undermines why they should always be loathed. So lets relagete Nazism should to the two places it belongs, the scrapheap of history and Glenn Beck's closet.
NEW RULE #11: The Religous Right needs to go away - I certainly believe religion of any kind has a right to participate in the public square of ideas and civil discourse. But the problem I have with the Religous Right who basically are a fringe minority of Christians is that they disproportionately dominate the attention around election time. Their pet peeves like abortion, stem-cell research, and Gay marriage have no consequence on the future of this country. Yet these issues always suck out the oxygen of every Presidential election and divide people unnecessarily while preventing the real important issues from being debated.
The Religous Right are sort of like that crazy Aunt every family seems to have, who people try to ignore, but because she has money, you can't call her crazy, but 'eccentric'. And at family dinners, everyone squirms while the Aunt spoutsoff her paranoid, delusional theories about everything but especially sex. And because the Religous Right seem to have money and influence they have lately been pushing some very 'eccentric' legislation in State Legislatures accross the country. A sampling:
1.Elimination of No Fault Divorce Laws, virtually forcing unhappy couples to stay married unless someone cheated or got abused (Kansas, North Dakota)
2.Making women who've had miscarriages show evidence to law enforcement that it wasn't an illegal abortion (Georgia)
3.Overturning US Supreme Court case Griswold vs. Connecticut which established the right of married couples to use contraception and establishes the right to marital privacy (Alabama)
These aren't just creepy, they go against the ideals of individual freedom this country was founded on.
AND FINALLY NEW RULE #12 - True Education Reform starts with holding teachers accountable to teach....
But also includes holding students accountable to actually learn what is being taught and to put down the God Damn video game and do their homework.
It also includes holding parents accountable for ensuring that their kid comes to school ready, willing, and able to learn.
It also includes holding school adminstrators accountable for ensuring a environment where kids who want to learn can learn, and jerk-offs who bully and disrupt get sent home for an ass-beating.
It also includes holding school boards accountable for making sure education is their priority and not simply a stepping stone for furthering their own political careers.
It also includes holding communities accountable to see that its schools are adequately funded and equipped so that learning may take place.
And while on were on the subject of communities, maybe ornery, cranky Senior citizens could vote for a school levy once in awhile. Seeing as previous generations gave their kids that courtesy when they were in school, perhaps this crop of Elderly could extend the same courtesy to the next generation.
It also includes holding University and college Presidents accountable to keep higher education affordable and attainable for qualified students from average, working families while not saddling them with six figure debt for the good portion of their adult lives.
It also includes holding the media accountable to get away from pushing the pop culture notion that being smart is uncool because being considered a nerd isn't the worst thing that can happen at age 13.
It also includes holding State and Federal lawmakers accountable for overseeing an educational system that focuses kids on being ready for a 21st Century economy where the US must compete with cheap labor oversees and we no longer have the edge in technological advancement. You know a public education system that produces adults who are thinkers, doers, leaders, dreamers, go-getters, boundary-breakers, and optimists.
Because in areas where bad schools exist the future generation is gonna need to be all that to clean up the mess made when too many grown-ups of all stripes at some point stopped caring about the quality of education in their community. While there are bad schools, there are indeed just as many if not more good schools out there. What separates the good from the bad is whether the surrounding community as a whole values education or not.
I actually think overall our schools are doing a good job, but like a lot of things in this country we could do better. But simply making teachers the enemy for all its shorfalls really masks the larger societal factors that are bringing down the quality of our kids' education. What's really sinking education in this country is the gradual loss of a sense of the common good replaced by a selfish, narcissistic, me-first mentality.
Oh and one last thing. Be wary of education 'reformers' who want to completely overhaul the entire system (coughs under breath Michelle Rhee). The risk of giving them full control of our education is sort of like paying a carpenter to rearrange the Living Room and they instead bulldoze the house.
NEW RULE #1: Hair Metal Bands from the 80's have to stop blaming Nirvana for the genre's demise - This year marks the 20th anniversary of the release of Nirvana's landmark album Nevermind and undoubtedly there will be whining from aging metalheads blaming the band and subsequent Grunge movement that followed for spoiling the party. Actually heavy metal still lives, just in a different form without all the hairspray, gaudiness, and pleather pants (ie: Disturbed, Sevendust, etc.)
Sadly I'm old enough to remember the pre-Nirvana 90's pop music landscape which was a wasteland of aging 70's rock bands, hair metal, throwaway Pop stars, and clownish Hip-Hop acts. I can specifically recall the first time I listened to Smells Like Teen Spirit on the radio and it was the most refreshing thing I'd ever heard. Sort of the exhilarating feeling that must come after being stuck in a cramped closet with a chain smoker who never bathes but then someone unlocks the door providing an air freshener. Because by 1991 Hair Metal officially descended into self-parody with Warrant's Cherry Pie video. So if Nirvana didn't knock it off its pedestal, someone else surely would have.
NEW RULE #2: But since Grunge flamed out Axl Rose and Slash must reunite to save Rock N Roll - Apparently Maroon 5 and Five for Fighting are the supposed saviors of Rock? Umm no... more like saviors of Adult Contemporary. They basically are this generation's version of Peter Cetera and Chicago. My benchmark for whether music rocks is ask if you were a teenager would cranking it full blast in the car piss off your Mom. With this current crop your Mom would more likely be singing along instead of telling you to shut it off.
So in honor of the upcoming 25th anniversary of their debut album Appetite for Destruction, recorded on a 13 day cocaine/hooker/Jack Daniels fueled bender. I humbly ask surviving members of the ORIGINAL Guns N Roses lineup to save rock music from itself. If GN'R were around today and in prime form, the only reason they would show up on Americas Got Talent would be to burn down the studio and urinate on its ashes.
NEW RULE #3: People angry over Casey Anthony verdict need to realize 'CSI' and 'Law & Order' do not adequately reflect how our criminal justice system works - As much as I think Anthony is probably the Worst Person in the World and whom the gates of Hell cannot open fast enough. You cannot blame the jury because in a Capital Murder Case circumstantial evidence alone should not be enough to convict. Either Anthony is so diabolical she perpetrated one of the most brilliant cover-ups in history or simply the luckiest trailer trash mom alive. But without physical evidence linking her to the crime, the verdict is understandable though I wish they had voted split jury instead of acquittal so the not ready for prime time prosecution team would have a second shot.
If anyone wonders what the flipside to that coin is, take the case of the West Memphis 3 in Arkansas. Back in 1991 a trio of teenagers were convicted of murdering a little boy based solely on the evidence that they liked heavy metal, therefore they must worship Satan, and since one time they hung out in the woods where the boy was murdered it must surely be them. Never mind there was not one shred of physical evidence linking them to the crime. Today they along with far too many others sit on Death Row under questionable prosecution. If you want to get angry over injustice, start getting angry over that.
NEW RULE #4: Nancy Grace needs to STFU - Police in Florida might have been able to connect Anthony to the murder of her daughter via hard evidence had they been given more time and patience by the general public. But Grace and her $10 mall hair cut had to start a virtual lynch mob by playing judge, jury, and executioner creating a spotlight that made their jobs impossible. And why is it that Grace only seems concerned with blond, attractive, All-American girls who go missing? Considering girls and women who live in poor and minority areas tend to be at higher risk of falling prey to sexual violence and exploitation, how about someone advocating for them for a change.
NEW RULE #5: There needs to be a temporary embargo on the use of the word 'Really?' - Uh, Really? Yes, really. It's a clever device when used in response to witnessing a stunning display of ignorance, or something just plain bullshit stupid. But like TV show Glee, and singer Selena Gomez it might becoming a little too big for its own good. Therefore, I impose a one-year moratorium on its use to prevent overuse. Sort of like fishing quotas. In its place is the always acceptable 'Are you (bleeping) kidding me?'
NEW RULE #6: There also needs be a five year embargo on movies based on a comic book - Or a classic but underrated 80's movie, or popular childhood toys from the 80's, or a popular 70's TV show, or a video game, or a Japanese horror film, or a prequel to the last sequel of an already existing superhero movie franchise, or a reimage of a superhero movie done just 15 years ago, or a spin-off of a minor character from a superhero movie, or based on the concept of Superhero X meets Superhero Y, or any superhero movie where the marketing campaign for collectible action figures sold in fast food restaurants came before the writing of the actual script.
NEW RULE #7: Victims of Bernie Madoff must stop complaining - For the most part I don't feel bad for the vast majority of them since for over 20 years while the stock market fluctuated like a rollercoaster, they got magical 5% returns seemingly every month. And not once did they ever bother to question if that was even statistically possible or perhaps something fishy might be going on. Which made them Wall Street's favorite kind of combination in a client: Greedy and Dumb.
Madoff's victims really can't claim collectively of getting bilked out of $40 Billion since they never really had that money to begin with. And considering the court appointed trustee on the case has recuperated $3 Billion dollars to spread among just a few thousand people in compensation. I'd say they made out pretty good, which is a lot more than the average American can say about their life savings after the Financial crisis occurred.
NEW RULE #8: Twitter must idiot-proof the service for pro-athletes, celebrities, and politicians - You know that device on internet log in pages called 'captcha', the squiggly letters or numbers you have to enter before it can be submitted? I'm thinking something along those lines for celeb tweets. Things like 'Hey there sports star, are you sure calling your boss a greedy Jew will really help you get that contract extension?' or 'Hey teen idol, are you sure the Disney home office will like that twit pic of your breasts?' or 'Hey Senator, we noticed someone is trying to send a profile picture of a penis to some 19 year-old. Surely, that wouldn't be YOURS, right?'
NEW RULE #9: Celebrities need to refrain from giving out parenting advice - Oh how cute, some A-List movie or TV star had a baby! And to listen to them gush and gleam over every little burp and bowel movement you'd think they were the first woman ever in the history of human beings to have a baby. Glad to hear celebmoms are happy but the rest of us parents living in the real world really don't want to hear it. I'm guessing a JLo, or a Katie Holmes, or a Kate Hudson never had to run out at 2 in the morning to find a 24 hour pharmacy because the kid has 103 temp, or trek through a snowstorm to get diapers, or dole out the equivalent of a mortgage for daycare. Not saying celebs don't love their kids, but really what can someone with a staff of nannies really say that's useful to anyone.
NEW RULE #10: During political arguments, combatants can no longer call their opponet a Nazi - Last I checked reforming healthcare, raising taxes on the rich, or reforming Social Security does not make somebody a Nazi. That label should be reserved for really specific instances like perpetrating a mass genocide against a religous or ethnic group, and attempting to install worldwide Fascism through military invasion of peaceful countries. Calling my HR Rep a Nazi for warning me about photocopying my ass (I'm speaking hypothetically of course) is a false equivalency which minimalizes the true atrocities inflicted by them and undermines why they should always be loathed. So lets relagete Nazism should to the two places it belongs, the scrapheap of history and Glenn Beck's closet.
NEW RULE #11: The Religous Right needs to go away - I certainly believe religion of any kind has a right to participate in the public square of ideas and civil discourse. But the problem I have with the Religous Right who basically are a fringe minority of Christians is that they disproportionately dominate the attention around election time. Their pet peeves like abortion, stem-cell research, and Gay marriage have no consequence on the future of this country. Yet these issues always suck out the oxygen of every Presidential election and divide people unnecessarily while preventing the real important issues from being debated.
The Religous Right are sort of like that crazy Aunt every family seems to have, who people try to ignore, but because she has money, you can't call her crazy, but 'eccentric'. And at family dinners, everyone squirms while the Aunt spoutsoff her paranoid, delusional theories about everything but especially sex. And because the Religous Right seem to have money and influence they have lately been pushing some very 'eccentric' legislation in State Legislatures accross the country. A sampling:
1.Elimination of No Fault Divorce Laws, virtually forcing unhappy couples to stay married unless someone cheated or got abused (Kansas, North Dakota)
2.Making women who've had miscarriages show evidence to law enforcement that it wasn't an illegal abortion (Georgia)
3.Overturning US Supreme Court case Griswold vs. Connecticut which established the right of married couples to use contraception and establishes the right to marital privacy (Alabama)
These aren't just creepy, they go against the ideals of individual freedom this country was founded on.
AND FINALLY NEW RULE #12 - True Education Reform starts with holding teachers accountable to teach....
But also includes holding students accountable to actually learn what is being taught and to put down the God Damn video game and do their homework.
It also includes holding parents accountable for ensuring that their kid comes to school ready, willing, and able to learn.
It also includes holding school adminstrators accountable for ensuring a environment where kids who want to learn can learn, and jerk-offs who bully and disrupt get sent home for an ass-beating.
It also includes holding school boards accountable for making sure education is their priority and not simply a stepping stone for furthering their own political careers.
It also includes holding communities accountable to see that its schools are adequately funded and equipped so that learning may take place.
And while on were on the subject of communities, maybe ornery, cranky Senior citizens could vote for a school levy once in awhile. Seeing as previous generations gave their kids that courtesy when they were in school, perhaps this crop of Elderly could extend the same courtesy to the next generation.
It also includes holding University and college Presidents accountable to keep higher education affordable and attainable for qualified students from average, working families while not saddling them with six figure debt for the good portion of their adult lives.
It also includes holding the media accountable to get away from pushing the pop culture notion that being smart is uncool because being considered a nerd isn't the worst thing that can happen at age 13.
It also includes holding State and Federal lawmakers accountable for overseeing an educational system that focuses kids on being ready for a 21st Century economy where the US must compete with cheap labor oversees and we no longer have the edge in technological advancement. You know a public education system that produces adults who are thinkers, doers, leaders, dreamers, go-getters, boundary-breakers, and optimists.
Because in areas where bad schools exist the future generation is gonna need to be all that to clean up the mess made when too many grown-ups of all stripes at some point stopped caring about the quality of education in their community. While there are bad schools, there are indeed just as many if not more good schools out there. What separates the good from the bad is whether the surrounding community as a whole values education or not.
I actually think overall our schools are doing a good job, but like a lot of things in this country we could do better. But simply making teachers the enemy for all its shorfalls really masks the larger societal factors that are bringing down the quality of our kids' education. What's really sinking education in this country is the gradual loss of a sense of the common good replaced by a selfish, narcissistic, me-first mentality.
Oh and one last thing. Be wary of education 'reformers' who want to completely overhaul the entire system (coughs under breath Michelle Rhee). The risk of giving them full control of our education is sort of like paying a carpenter to rearrange the Living Room and they instead bulldoze the house.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Katy Perry Tour Demands, Freaky Statistics, and Absurdity of Work E-mail Disclaimers
American Lexicon Update: The word Pippa'd
Meaning: (Verb) To inadvertently upstage or steal the show
Origin: When Pippa Middleton appeared as head bridesmaid at the Royal wedding of her sister Kate in a white dress that was so hot it completely shifted the focus and attention to her in all the fashion mags. To the point where Pippa's derriere got its own Twitter following and even gay men replying 'Yep, I'd tap that'
Example Use In a Sentence: 'Angelina Jolie Pippa'd Winona Ryder in the movie Girl, Interrupted to win an Oscar'
Freaky Statistics, Part 1 - With the death of pro wrestler Macho Man Randy Savage, this means of the 51 wrestlers who competed at Wrestlemania in 1991, 14 are now dead for a mortality rate of 25%. By comparison all but 2 of the 42 pro boxers who competed in the top level around the same time are alive (5% mortality rate). And all 99 participants in Super Bowl 25 that same year are still alive. Though Buffalo Bills fans probably wish that kicker Scott 'Wide Right' Norwood were dead (0.5% mortality rate).
Freaky Statistics, Part 2 - According to a Pew Survey, only 7% of Americans approve of marital infidelity, while a slightly higher number 11% approve of polygamy. And the Mormon Church was afraid the show 'Big Love' would ruin their reputation.
Freaky Statistics, Part 3 - Kim Kardashian's fiancee New Jersey Nets benchwarmer Kris Humphries evidently had good reason to put a ring on it. Previous ahtletes who dated Kardashian, Reggie Bush of the Saints and Miles Austin of the Cowboys saw susbstantial drop-off in performance after they dumped Kim proving there may be something magical about that ass.
Bush with Kim in 2009: 725 yards, 8 touchdowns and a Super Bowl ring.
Bush after Kim in 2010: 150 yards, 1 touchdown and stripped of Heisman Trophy.
Austin before Kim in 2009: 1,320 yards, 11 touchdowns, Playoffs
Austin after Kim in 2010: 1,041 yards, 7 touchdowns, No Playoffs
Pardon Me While I Try Find a One Shred of Sympathy - One third of all Law School graduates from 2009 are still unemployed and those who do find a job are making only half what new law firm hires would have made five years ago. For decades people have argued there are too many lawyers in this country and the recession may have proven them right. Most lawyering is basically writing letters and filling out forms, and many firms recently discovered that for the cost of one young attorney's four martini power lunch at Morton's Steakhouse, most of it can be outsourced to India for a week's worth of work.
FUN BONUS LAWYER JOKE: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? The hooker stops screwing you after you're dead.
Merry Christmas, Late Night Talk Show Hosts and Comedians Everywhere! - A congressman with last name of Weiner got into sex scandal! It's almost as if the jokes write themselves. Now mind you I have no problem with my elected officials being sexual deviants because all of us got that Rick James freakiness inside and even politicians deserve to indulge that side a little bit. So long as they're honest about it. (see post about Italian Prime Minister below)
As much as I loathe the conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart who broke the story and consider him a raging, pus-filled hemorrhoid on the ass of the American body politick, he is right. What took down Weiner was not picking up chicks on Twitter but lying about it. Because politicians doing hanky panky outside their marriage become corruptible, susceptile to blackmail and therefore compromised. So Mr.Weiner as much good as you did, you had to go.
But since the DC Beltway Political Pundits Got It Wrong for the 24,516th Time - So here's the real story within the story. When Congressman Weiner wasn't sending out pictures of his weiner to college coeds and porn stars on Twitter he actually was onto something important. He was investigating Supreme Court justice Clerance Thomas and whether he should recuse himself in the event the Healthcare Reform Law goes before the court. Because his teabagger wife Ginnie has personally benefitted financially to the tune of $700,000.
And Weiner subsequently discovered at least three instances where Thomas received speaking fees and other compensation from political organizations only to turn around and rule favorably for their side when cases they had stake in came before the court. Something that could be impeachable. So if the Beltway chattering class could stop snickering long enough for having to use the word penis in a sentence and ask: Was Weiner especially targeted by conservative bloggers to discredit his investigation of Thomas?
FUN BONUS FACT: Since being sworn in to Supreme Court in 2009, Justice Sonia Sotomayor has asked more follow-up questions of attorneys during hearings in one year, then Thomas has throughout his entire Supreme Court career spanning more than 20 years.
So the lesson from Weinergate kids is - If an Internet picture is going to ruin your promising political career at least go down in a blaze of glory. Have something like you snorting cocaine off a hooker's ass while several trannie Guatemalan dwarves dressed as Oompa Loompa costumes attend to your foot fetish. May not be able to wonder the halls of Congress but it probably gets your own reality TV show.
In Italy perhaps the Greatest Newspaper Headline, EVER! - Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlesconi is now facing allegations of having an affair with a 17 year old Egyptian belly dancer. The major news daily in Rome basically yawned with this headline 'Ci Risimo con la gnocca?' which translates to 'Again With the Pussy?' Burlesconi is a man who when asked by journalists years ago about allegedly having over a hundred sexual partners while in office chided them...because he felt they undercounted and should be credited with at least a thousand. (Yep he actually said that) Anyone starting to think we Americans are a tad too uptight about sex?
Katy Perry Tour Rider Revealed - Website TheSmokingGun.com managed to obtain a 24 page tour rider for Perry's upcoming tour and found outrageous demands such as the driver of her limousine 'shall, never make eyer contact with artist' and..'room shall be draped in cream or soft pink plus needs to be outfitted with two cream-colored egg chairs." But most important “ABSOLUTELY NO CARNATIONS” bolded and underlined in the contract. This has some of her fans put off thinking perhaps she's not really down to Earth. Begging the question, Perry shoots whip cream from her breasts in one of her videos, why would she?
Absurdity of backstage demands is measured by the 'Van Halen-No Brown M&Ms in the Candy Jar Scale of Rock Star Excess'. With 10 being Guns N' Roses who abruptly canceled shows at the last minute because backstage did not have right kind of champagne or something, subsequently causing large riots (Montreal and St.Louis 1992, Germany 1993). And 0 being The Jonas Brothers becoming slightly agitated when they got 2% instead of Skim Milk. Perry ranks a 4, sort of in the Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston circa 1992 prior to marrying Bobby Brown category.
Kidnappers Aren't What They Used To Be - Recently police in Devonshire England broke up a kidnap and ransom plot for Joss Stone. A decent but largely unheard of neo Blues, Jazz pop singer and at $2 million dollars ransom, the best her record companies could do would have been about $5 and a signed CD. I've always felt in terms of criminality kidnapping really does not have a good return on investment as say being a drug kingpin or a mafia boss or being Bill Gates. But if you must kidnap at least consider risk versus reward and aim high. For a $2 million ransom I'd kidnap Justin Bieber and threaten to shave off his head. And show them you're serious with a picture of a electric hair clipper next to a tied up Bieber with the note 'The money tomorrow or the mop top gets it!'
The US Debt Crisis Explained - Sometime in August, the US will reach the debt ceiling or limit, the amount of money outstanding the Federal Gov't can legally borrow at one time causing default on its monthly payment back to creditors if its not raised by Congress. Consequently, one of two things will happen, either a debt collector calling themselves 'Rhonda' from The Bank of China will call Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner asking when they can expect payment. Or a complete Worldwide economic calamity will ensue because the full faith and credit of US Treasury Bills is no longer backed up.
To help explain the why were in this situation, imagine President Obama, and House Speaker John Boehner as kids in a pre-school working on a group project together to build a house with popcycle sticks which is our economic recovery supported by a yard which is the Federal budget. Obama (who we'll call Barry) is gluing the sticks and asks Boehner (we'll call him Johnny) for some more glue to finish the project. Johnny replies not until you cut out some of the cardboard paper on the bottom which serves as the lawn. Barry says no we can't do that or else the house will fall over. So Johnny gets mad but instead of crying like usually does, he goes over to the stove, turns on the gas, picks up a match and threatens to light it if he doesen't get what he wants. That's what the debt ceiling negotiations are now about. While we can all agree large deficits and Gov't overspending are bad, let's hope Congressional leaders can act like adults instead of children.
End of an Era, Part 1 - Oprah finished off her show after 25 years and a career resulting in Baby Boomer Narcissism reaching epidemic proportions. Since everybody is contemplating their favorite moments. Here was mine. I was in a auto repair waiting room back in 2001 when 4:00pm struck and the first chords of her theme song began. Filled with terror, I was about to panic when suddenly a news break interrupted about a dire tornado warning in the area and we were in grave danger. This gave me great relief and joy knowing I would not be held captive to watch her show.
End of an Era, Part 2 - Mary Hart retired after 29 years as host of Entertainment Tonight, a show that along with Wheel of Fortune was major contributor to the dumbmification of America. Like Oprah everybody is contemplating their favorite moments. Here was mine. In 1996, after walking out of the Will Smith movie Independence Day because it sucked worse than a Paul Reiser sitcom the day before. I sat in a dentist's office waiting room forced to observe an interview between Hart and Smith and began feeling a severe migraine which was actually intellectual rot taking hold in my brain when salvation came in the form of a revelation. That a show like ET wasn't really news journalism but merely a PR tool created by a consortium of Hollywood Studios to slyly promote new movies, albums, etc. Developing this kind of critical thinking propelled me to graduate college two years later.
Absurdity of Work E-Mail Disclaimers - We've all seen them. Those ridiculous disclaimers at the bottom of workplace e-mails that take up half the message. Here's is a decoding of what the disclaimers really mean.
What It Says
"This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error, you may not read it. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named. If you are not the named addressee you should not read, disseminate, distribute, or copy this email."
What It Really Means
"This disclaimer has no legal relevance in court so feel free to ignore it. If this e-mail wasn't for you to read because it was not intended for you why wouldn't they put it first instead of last after you've already read it? If we were smart we'd install have some log-in or encryption device accesible to the intended person only. Or that thing the CIA does where it self-destructs in 15 seconds.
Because if this e-mail wasn't intended for you and it contained something scandalous like a picture of the CEO is boinking his assistant or criminal detailing a massive conspiracy to commit business fraud. The e-mail would be considered evidence and admissable in court thus inconsequential as to whomever received it. In reality these exist because the life of a corporate lawyer is fairly boring so we spent weeks devising this one little paragraph to make us seem relevant to upper management. We really wish someone would sue us so we'd have have an excuse to talk to that hot brunette over in Human Resources"
Meaning: (Verb) To inadvertently upstage or steal the show
Origin: When Pippa Middleton appeared as head bridesmaid at the Royal wedding of her sister Kate in a white dress that was so hot it completely shifted the focus and attention to her in all the fashion mags. To the point where Pippa's derriere got its own Twitter following and even gay men replying 'Yep, I'd tap that'
Example Use In a Sentence: 'Angelina Jolie Pippa'd Winona Ryder in the movie Girl, Interrupted to win an Oscar'
Freaky Statistics, Part 1 - With the death of pro wrestler Macho Man Randy Savage, this means of the 51 wrestlers who competed at Wrestlemania in 1991, 14 are now dead for a mortality rate of 25%. By comparison all but 2 of the 42 pro boxers who competed in the top level around the same time are alive (5% mortality rate). And all 99 participants in Super Bowl 25 that same year are still alive. Though Buffalo Bills fans probably wish that kicker Scott 'Wide Right' Norwood were dead (0.5% mortality rate).
Freaky Statistics, Part 2 - According to a Pew Survey, only 7% of Americans approve of marital infidelity, while a slightly higher number 11% approve of polygamy. And the Mormon Church was afraid the show 'Big Love' would ruin their reputation.
Freaky Statistics, Part 3 - Kim Kardashian's fiancee New Jersey Nets benchwarmer Kris Humphries evidently had good reason to put a ring on it. Previous ahtletes who dated Kardashian, Reggie Bush of the Saints and Miles Austin of the Cowboys saw susbstantial drop-off in performance after they dumped Kim proving there may be something magical about that ass.
Bush with Kim in 2009: 725 yards, 8 touchdowns and a Super Bowl ring.
Bush after Kim in 2010: 150 yards, 1 touchdown and stripped of Heisman Trophy.
Austin before Kim in 2009: 1,320 yards, 11 touchdowns, Playoffs
Austin after Kim in 2010: 1,041 yards, 7 touchdowns, No Playoffs
Pardon Me While I Try Find a One Shred of Sympathy - One third of all Law School graduates from 2009 are still unemployed and those who do find a job are making only half what new law firm hires would have made five years ago. For decades people have argued there are too many lawyers in this country and the recession may have proven them right. Most lawyering is basically writing letters and filling out forms, and many firms recently discovered that for the cost of one young attorney's four martini power lunch at Morton's Steakhouse, most of it can be outsourced to India for a week's worth of work.
FUN BONUS LAWYER JOKE: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? The hooker stops screwing you after you're dead.
Merry Christmas, Late Night Talk Show Hosts and Comedians Everywhere! - A congressman with last name of Weiner got into sex scandal! It's almost as if the jokes write themselves. Now mind you I have no problem with my elected officials being sexual deviants because all of us got that Rick James freakiness inside and even politicians deserve to indulge that side a little bit. So long as they're honest about it. (see post about Italian Prime Minister below)
As much as I loathe the conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart who broke the story and consider him a raging, pus-filled hemorrhoid on the ass of the American body politick, he is right. What took down Weiner was not picking up chicks on Twitter but lying about it. Because politicians doing hanky panky outside their marriage become corruptible, susceptile to blackmail and therefore compromised. So Mr.Weiner as much good as you did, you had to go.
But since the DC Beltway Political Pundits Got It Wrong for the 24,516th Time - So here's the real story within the story. When Congressman Weiner wasn't sending out pictures of his weiner to college coeds and porn stars on Twitter he actually was onto something important. He was investigating Supreme Court justice Clerance Thomas and whether he should recuse himself in the event the Healthcare Reform Law goes before the court. Because his teabagger wife Ginnie has personally benefitted financially to the tune of $700,000.
And Weiner subsequently discovered at least three instances where Thomas received speaking fees and other compensation from political organizations only to turn around and rule favorably for their side when cases they had stake in came before the court. Something that could be impeachable. So if the Beltway chattering class could stop snickering long enough for having to use the word penis in a sentence and ask: Was Weiner especially targeted by conservative bloggers to discredit his investigation of Thomas?
FUN BONUS FACT: Since being sworn in to Supreme Court in 2009, Justice Sonia Sotomayor has asked more follow-up questions of attorneys during hearings in one year, then Thomas has throughout his entire Supreme Court career spanning more than 20 years.
So the lesson from Weinergate kids is - If an Internet picture is going to ruin your promising political career at least go down in a blaze of glory. Have something like you snorting cocaine off a hooker's ass while several trannie Guatemalan dwarves dressed as Oompa Loompa costumes attend to your foot fetish. May not be able to wonder the halls of Congress but it probably gets your own reality TV show.
In Italy perhaps the Greatest Newspaper Headline, EVER! - Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlesconi is now facing allegations of having an affair with a 17 year old Egyptian belly dancer. The major news daily in Rome basically yawned with this headline 'Ci Risimo con la gnocca?' which translates to 'Again With the Pussy?' Burlesconi is a man who when asked by journalists years ago about allegedly having over a hundred sexual partners while in office chided them...because he felt they undercounted and should be credited with at least a thousand. (Yep he actually said that) Anyone starting to think we Americans are a tad too uptight about sex?
Katy Perry Tour Rider Revealed - Website TheSmokingGun.com managed to obtain a 24 page tour rider for Perry's upcoming tour and found outrageous demands such as the driver of her limousine 'shall, never make eyer contact with artist' and..'room shall be draped in cream or soft pink plus needs to be outfitted with two cream-colored egg chairs." But most important “ABSOLUTELY NO CARNATIONS” bolded and underlined in the contract. This has some of her fans put off thinking perhaps she's not really down to Earth. Begging the question, Perry shoots whip cream from her breasts in one of her videos, why would she?
Absurdity of backstage demands is measured by the 'Van Halen-No Brown M&Ms in the Candy Jar Scale of Rock Star Excess'. With 10 being Guns N' Roses who abruptly canceled shows at the last minute because backstage did not have right kind of champagne or something, subsequently causing large riots (Montreal and St.Louis 1992, Germany 1993). And 0 being The Jonas Brothers becoming slightly agitated when they got 2% instead of Skim Milk. Perry ranks a 4, sort of in the Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston circa 1992 prior to marrying Bobby Brown category.
Kidnappers Aren't What They Used To Be - Recently police in Devonshire England broke up a kidnap and ransom plot for Joss Stone. A decent but largely unheard of neo Blues, Jazz pop singer and at $2 million dollars ransom, the best her record companies could do would have been about $5 and a signed CD. I've always felt in terms of criminality kidnapping really does not have a good return on investment as say being a drug kingpin or a mafia boss or being Bill Gates. But if you must kidnap at least consider risk versus reward and aim high. For a $2 million ransom I'd kidnap Justin Bieber and threaten to shave off his head. And show them you're serious with a picture of a electric hair clipper next to a tied up Bieber with the note 'The money tomorrow or the mop top gets it!'
The US Debt Crisis Explained - Sometime in August, the US will reach the debt ceiling or limit, the amount of money outstanding the Federal Gov't can legally borrow at one time causing default on its monthly payment back to creditors if its not raised by Congress. Consequently, one of two things will happen, either a debt collector calling themselves 'Rhonda' from The Bank of China will call Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner asking when they can expect payment. Or a complete Worldwide economic calamity will ensue because the full faith and credit of US Treasury Bills is no longer backed up.
To help explain the why were in this situation, imagine President Obama, and House Speaker John Boehner as kids in a pre-school working on a group project together to build a house with popcycle sticks which is our economic recovery supported by a yard which is the Federal budget. Obama (who we'll call Barry) is gluing the sticks and asks Boehner (we'll call him Johnny) for some more glue to finish the project. Johnny replies not until you cut out some of the cardboard paper on the bottom which serves as the lawn. Barry says no we can't do that or else the house will fall over. So Johnny gets mad but instead of crying like usually does, he goes over to the stove, turns on the gas, picks up a match and threatens to light it if he doesen't get what he wants. That's what the debt ceiling negotiations are now about. While we can all agree large deficits and Gov't overspending are bad, let's hope Congressional leaders can act like adults instead of children.
End of an Era, Part 1 - Oprah finished off her show after 25 years and a career resulting in Baby Boomer Narcissism reaching epidemic proportions. Since everybody is contemplating their favorite moments. Here was mine. I was in a auto repair waiting room back in 2001 when 4:00pm struck and the first chords of her theme song began. Filled with terror, I was about to panic when suddenly a news break interrupted about a dire tornado warning in the area and we were in grave danger. This gave me great relief and joy knowing I would not be held captive to watch her show.
End of an Era, Part 2 - Mary Hart retired after 29 years as host of Entertainment Tonight, a show that along with Wheel of Fortune was major contributor to the dumbmification of America. Like Oprah everybody is contemplating their favorite moments. Here was mine. In 1996, after walking out of the Will Smith movie Independence Day because it sucked worse than a Paul Reiser sitcom the day before. I sat in a dentist's office waiting room forced to observe an interview between Hart and Smith and began feeling a severe migraine which was actually intellectual rot taking hold in my brain when salvation came in the form of a revelation. That a show like ET wasn't really news journalism but merely a PR tool created by a consortium of Hollywood Studios to slyly promote new movies, albums, etc. Developing this kind of critical thinking propelled me to graduate college two years later.
Absurdity of Work E-Mail Disclaimers - We've all seen them. Those ridiculous disclaimers at the bottom of workplace e-mails that take up half the message. Here's is a decoding of what the disclaimers really mean.
What It Says
"This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error, you may not read it. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named. If you are not the named addressee you should not read, disseminate, distribute, or copy this email."
What It Really Means
"This disclaimer has no legal relevance in court so feel free to ignore it. If this e-mail wasn't for you to read because it was not intended for you why wouldn't they put it first instead of last after you've already read it? If we were smart we'd install have some log-in or encryption device accesible to the intended person only. Or that thing the CIA does where it self-destructs in 15 seconds.
Because if this e-mail wasn't intended for you and it contained something scandalous like a picture of the CEO is boinking his assistant or criminal detailing a massive conspiracy to commit business fraud. The e-mail would be considered evidence and admissable in court thus inconsequential as to whomever received it. In reality these exist because the life of a corporate lawyer is fairly boring so we spent weeks devising this one little paragraph to make us seem relevant to upper management. We really wish someone would sue us so we'd have have an excuse to talk to that hot brunette over in Human Resources"
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Things I've Learned
1.My wife once asked me if I could start life over again from infancy without a cleft palate/lip would I do it. I replied No because learning to overcome the obstacles thrown my way from the cleft have helped me become a much stronger, wiser person than if I hadn't otherwise.
2.Both of my parents were deceased by the time I was 30 so I've learned the most valuable commodity in life is time. I did not learn that until after my father died in 2006 and realized too late the time I missed with him...
3...So I'm determined to maximize the time I have with my own family because my oldest daughter was born 10 months after my Dad died. Tomorrow is never promised to us today.
4.Though adversity has been a constant in my life, I've learned to view it as a gift because its like strength training for the soul. The process of persevering and conquering teaches things about yourself and ideally you learn there are things you can accomplish you didn't realize you could before.
5.It's from my Dad that I get my warped sense of humor. His philosophy was when faced with the absurdities of life you have the option to either laugh or cry. I choose to laugh.
6.It's from my Mom that I learned empathy and it's best to try to see the beauty in all people which makes me seem agreeable to most people most of the time. I hope
7.It's because of my parents that I'm a terrible liar. My Dad was a Fraud Claims investigator and Mom a Criminal psychologist for the State of Ohio. Which means growing up I could never get away with lying, ever.
8.I've had 15 surgeries on my cleft starting when I was six months old and learned the most important part of any surgery beforehand is meeting the Anesthesiologist because your life is literally in their hands.
9.Four years of a all-boys, Catholic high school meant at the start of college I was four years behind the curve in talking to girls and having fun.
10.But joined a fraternity and quickly made up for lost time and learned many great friendships start out over a beer. Though I fear if my daughters hear stories from that era they may never look at me the same when they grow up. Thank God YouTube didn't exist in the late 90's
11.Best advice ever got was my high school history teacher Fr. Bennett who said 'Get a job that involves using your brain and using your creativity that cannot be easily outsourced, replicated, or copied. Because the days of earning $25 an hour manually and monotonously making stuff are over.' I wish Ohio's political leaders had listened to that and not underfunded its schools because it would not be in the sorry state that it's in right now.
12.I got a degree in Sociology and Geography which qualified you to be the most educated person working at a Dairy Queen....so I got a Master's in Demography which guaranteed being asked two things when mentioned in conversation: What is It? and What do you do with it?
13.Growing up in Columbus, Ohio I couldn't wait to get out and move to some city more exciting so took a chance on a job in Philadelphia which worked out very well. But I've learned where you grew up is always a part of you and whenever I go back to Columbus I can't seem to get enough.
14.Wherever you are in the World, whenever you tell someone you're from Columbus, their response is always 'Oh..Ohio State football, right?'.
15.Following Ohio sports teams means learning about futility. Especially Cleveland sports teams who just don't lose but go down in flaming, spectacular, epic defeat.
16.I met my wife on the Internet by fluke of chance of browsing random dating profiles and took a longshot of writing late one evening. I've learned that myth of destiny in finding 'The One' may not entirely be a crock of shit.
17.I'm very lucky to have my wife. Literally. I was two hours late for our first date but she still was willing to go out and ended up being one of funnest days of my life. Also my first e-mail was so riddled with typos she still keeps it...as a joke to show our kids. Lesson is to Spell Check..Always.
18.I learned she'll love me for me when she stayed at my apartment and being just out of grad school my Worldly possessions merely consisted of a Futon, Recliner, 15 year old TV and TV tray which served as my dinner table.
19.Best advice on marriage comes from comedian Ralphie May: 'Men have two options in marriage: Being right...or being happy'
20.The most annoying sound to a married woman is the theme song to ESPN SportsCenter
21.Kids are a healthier option than drugs as a cure for insomnia.
22.My biggest fear for my daughters is the spate of bullying which I hope is just a lot of media hype. My goal is to raise daughters who are strong and confident as to immune from trolls. And if that fails at least pass along my trait for having an quick wit and acid tongue enabling them to be a Tina Fey on steroids who bullies will think twice about messing with.
23.When high school comes around, my advice to my girls will be most of the non-academic portion of high school is bullshit because it absolutely does not reflect real life in any shape or form and essentially is a Theater of the Absurd. Just learn what your supposed to, make some meaningful friendships, do something constructive, and mainly worry about what happens afterward (like hopefully college)....
24....Because in adulthood the biggest losers in life are people who brag about being the 'cool kids' in high school which ends up being their biggest accomplishment in life.
25.It's because of my kids that I moved off the market research fast lane to the middle lane (which sometimes feels like the slow lane) because coming home everyday at a decent hour and getting time with them are more important than having a title or six figure salary.
26.I've spent the first 8 years of my professional life in the Pharmaceutical Industry and learned the scientists who research and develop new drugs have the noblest of intentions. The executives who market and sell those drugs do not.
27.The worst kind of boss is the one who bases performance solely on how early you come in and how late you stay in as opposed to what you accomplish in those hours. In the Market Research industry they prove the Peter Principle, that in business people rise to the level of their incompetence meaning the CEO very often is merely a blathering idiot.
28.In 2008 I was laid off marking the only time I ever got fired or lost a job in my life. And it ended being the greatest thing to ever happen in my career because I got my dream job 3 months afterward. Sometimes blessings can be very hidden.
29.Working in the Health Insurance Industry means whenever go to the doctor, and they ask what you do for a living, it's best not to mention you work in the Health Insurance Industry. Or be prepared to follow-up with 'I'm just a public health research analyst, no really I'm one of the good guys.'
30.Overall in my career I've had both victories and defeats. It's how you learn to handle defeat that determines ultimately if you are successful.
31.I'm Catholic and believe in God but my faith came about not from some burning bush conversion or forced adherence growing up but rather an intellectual conclusion that this complex, mysterious web of life could not have happened by happy accident. And that some mysterious force surely must govern the universe.
32.Though I agree with an atheist who once told me 'Jesus, like him lots. His followers, eh, not so much'. Far too often self-proclaimed devout Christians betray the common good.
33. Politically my views are a lot like my bowling game in that my ball tends to veer to the left. Though I try to hear all sides since very few issues are black and white. I've learned it's foolish to jump to an automatic viewpoint upon hearing an issue due solely to a pre-defined ideology.
34. I'm technically a registered Democrat though would not mind seeing a third, fourth, even fifth party. I will consider Republicans should that party ever become unhinged from the Far right and demonstrate some semblance of sanity on governing.
35. While some people fear the unlimited power of Government, I fear the unlimited power of corporations and wealthiest elements of our society. You don't get to a size of ExxonMobil or Goldman-Sachs without doing something immoral, illegal, or both.
36.In restaurants the bigger the menu, the less likely you'll be getting a good meal.
37.Strangest thing I've ever seen was at a dive, biker bar on the Jersey shore which was the Anti-Cheers where nobody knew my name and nobody was really glad I came. But they were all sitting around transfixed to the TV watching a Kylie Minogue concert.
38.If I won the lottery I would spend the money on traveling. Two of my most cherished possessions are my grandfather's passport which has over 100 country stamps and his vast collection of photographs from those travels. It taught me traveling is the best way to expand your mind and I've found when leaving one's friendly confines you come back a more enlightened person than when you left.
39. The most beautiful place I've ever seen is the base of Mt.Rainier in Washington state. This is what I imagine heaven would look like when you die.
40. My top destination I want to travel is the province of Asturias in Spain. You don't hear about it because of a conspiracy of silence by Spaniards to keep it themselves. But I want to get there before all the mass European tourist hordes discover it.
41.On the commuter trains I take to Philly for work I see Wall Street broker types and want to ask: In running in the corporate rat race with whom are you racing and what are you racing for?
42.My parents taught me not to curse. Not because its bad but because it shows other people you cannot express a complete thought without using foul language and are therefore judged to be an idiot. Though sometimes I break that rule because a well placed 'fuck' can help you be more demonstrative in making a point.
43. I don't blame Jon Gosselin for leaving Kate, though I do blame him for lousy taste in women.
44. I think 'The Wire' is the greatest TV show ever, and the fact it never won a Emmy taught me what's good is often very different from what's popular.
45.Finally if my Alma mater Bowling Green ever got smart and were to invite me to give the commencement address, I would mention how a Sociological study from Harvard which followed a class of its graduates from the 1940's over their lifetime taught me the two most important things I've learned about life so far:
First, the most important variable of determining success was not looks, money, privilege, gender, race, or social status, but sheer perseverance. What most successful graduates had in common were exhibiting true grit in the face of naysayers, doubters, and obstacles to where overtime they achieved their life goals regardless of whatever others wanted.
Second, the happiest of those graduates did not place importance on attaining wealth, or fame, or prominence but rather on accumulating memories and experiences. In particular the memories created by our family, friends, and loved ones and the memories we create for them. Because when our time on this Earth is up, ultimately that is all we will be remembered by.
2.Both of my parents were deceased by the time I was 30 so I've learned the most valuable commodity in life is time. I did not learn that until after my father died in 2006 and realized too late the time I missed with him...
3...So I'm determined to maximize the time I have with my own family because my oldest daughter was born 10 months after my Dad died. Tomorrow is never promised to us today.
4.Though adversity has been a constant in my life, I've learned to view it as a gift because its like strength training for the soul. The process of persevering and conquering teaches things about yourself and ideally you learn there are things you can accomplish you didn't realize you could before.
5.It's from my Dad that I get my warped sense of humor. His philosophy was when faced with the absurdities of life you have the option to either laugh or cry. I choose to laugh.
6.It's from my Mom that I learned empathy and it's best to try to see the beauty in all people which makes me seem agreeable to most people most of the time. I hope
7.It's because of my parents that I'm a terrible liar. My Dad was a Fraud Claims investigator and Mom a Criminal psychologist for the State of Ohio. Which means growing up I could never get away with lying, ever.
8.I've had 15 surgeries on my cleft starting when I was six months old and learned the most important part of any surgery beforehand is meeting the Anesthesiologist because your life is literally in their hands.
9.Four years of a all-boys, Catholic high school meant at the start of college I was four years behind the curve in talking to girls and having fun.
10.But joined a fraternity and quickly made up for lost time and learned many great friendships start out over a beer. Though I fear if my daughters hear stories from that era they may never look at me the same when they grow up. Thank God YouTube didn't exist in the late 90's
11.Best advice ever got was my high school history teacher Fr. Bennett who said 'Get a job that involves using your brain and using your creativity that cannot be easily outsourced, replicated, or copied. Because the days of earning $25 an hour manually and monotonously making stuff are over.' I wish Ohio's political leaders had listened to that and not underfunded its schools because it would not be in the sorry state that it's in right now.
12.I got a degree in Sociology and Geography which qualified you to be the most educated person working at a Dairy Queen....so I got a Master's in Demography which guaranteed being asked two things when mentioned in conversation: What is It? and What do you do with it?
13.Growing up in Columbus, Ohio I couldn't wait to get out and move to some city more exciting so took a chance on a job in Philadelphia which worked out very well. But I've learned where you grew up is always a part of you and whenever I go back to Columbus I can't seem to get enough.
14.Wherever you are in the World, whenever you tell someone you're from Columbus, their response is always 'Oh..Ohio State football, right?'.
15.Following Ohio sports teams means learning about futility. Especially Cleveland sports teams who just don't lose but go down in flaming, spectacular, epic defeat.
16.I met my wife on the Internet by fluke of chance of browsing random dating profiles and took a longshot of writing late one evening. I've learned that myth of destiny in finding 'The One' may not entirely be a crock of shit.
17.I'm very lucky to have my wife. Literally. I was two hours late for our first date but she still was willing to go out and ended up being one of funnest days of my life. Also my first e-mail was so riddled with typos she still keeps it...as a joke to show our kids. Lesson is to Spell Check..Always.
18.I learned she'll love me for me when she stayed at my apartment and being just out of grad school my Worldly possessions merely consisted of a Futon, Recliner, 15 year old TV and TV tray which served as my dinner table.
19.Best advice on marriage comes from comedian Ralphie May: 'Men have two options in marriage: Being right...or being happy'
20.The most annoying sound to a married woman is the theme song to ESPN SportsCenter
21.Kids are a healthier option than drugs as a cure for insomnia.
22.My biggest fear for my daughters is the spate of bullying which I hope is just a lot of media hype. My goal is to raise daughters who are strong and confident as to immune from trolls. And if that fails at least pass along my trait for having an quick wit and acid tongue enabling them to be a Tina Fey on steroids who bullies will think twice about messing with.
23.When high school comes around, my advice to my girls will be most of the non-academic portion of high school is bullshit because it absolutely does not reflect real life in any shape or form and essentially is a Theater of the Absurd. Just learn what your supposed to, make some meaningful friendships, do something constructive, and mainly worry about what happens afterward (like hopefully college)....
24....Because in adulthood the biggest losers in life are people who brag about being the 'cool kids' in high school which ends up being their biggest accomplishment in life.
25.It's because of my kids that I moved off the market research fast lane to the middle lane (which sometimes feels like the slow lane) because coming home everyday at a decent hour and getting time with them are more important than having a title or six figure salary.
26.I've spent the first 8 years of my professional life in the Pharmaceutical Industry and learned the scientists who research and develop new drugs have the noblest of intentions. The executives who market and sell those drugs do not.
27.The worst kind of boss is the one who bases performance solely on how early you come in and how late you stay in as opposed to what you accomplish in those hours. In the Market Research industry they prove the Peter Principle, that in business people rise to the level of their incompetence meaning the CEO very often is merely a blathering idiot.
28.In 2008 I was laid off marking the only time I ever got fired or lost a job in my life. And it ended being the greatest thing to ever happen in my career because I got my dream job 3 months afterward. Sometimes blessings can be very hidden.
29.Working in the Health Insurance Industry means whenever go to the doctor, and they ask what you do for a living, it's best not to mention you work in the Health Insurance Industry. Or be prepared to follow-up with 'I'm just a public health research analyst, no really I'm one of the good guys.'
30.Overall in my career I've had both victories and defeats. It's how you learn to handle defeat that determines ultimately if you are successful.
31.I'm Catholic and believe in God but my faith came about not from some burning bush conversion or forced adherence growing up but rather an intellectual conclusion that this complex, mysterious web of life could not have happened by happy accident. And that some mysterious force surely must govern the universe.
32.Though I agree with an atheist who once told me 'Jesus, like him lots. His followers, eh, not so much'. Far too often self-proclaimed devout Christians betray the common good.
33. Politically my views are a lot like my bowling game in that my ball tends to veer to the left. Though I try to hear all sides since very few issues are black and white. I've learned it's foolish to jump to an automatic viewpoint upon hearing an issue due solely to a pre-defined ideology.
34. I'm technically a registered Democrat though would not mind seeing a third, fourth, even fifth party. I will consider Republicans should that party ever become unhinged from the Far right and demonstrate some semblance of sanity on governing.
35. While some people fear the unlimited power of Government, I fear the unlimited power of corporations and wealthiest elements of our society. You don't get to a size of ExxonMobil or Goldman-Sachs without doing something immoral, illegal, or both.
36.In restaurants the bigger the menu, the less likely you'll be getting a good meal.
37.Strangest thing I've ever seen was at a dive, biker bar on the Jersey shore which was the Anti-Cheers where nobody knew my name and nobody was really glad I came. But they were all sitting around transfixed to the TV watching a Kylie Minogue concert.
38.If I won the lottery I would spend the money on traveling. Two of my most cherished possessions are my grandfather's passport which has over 100 country stamps and his vast collection of photographs from those travels. It taught me traveling is the best way to expand your mind and I've found when leaving one's friendly confines you come back a more enlightened person than when you left.
39. The most beautiful place I've ever seen is the base of Mt.Rainier in Washington state. This is what I imagine heaven would look like when you die.
40. My top destination I want to travel is the province of Asturias in Spain. You don't hear about it because of a conspiracy of silence by Spaniards to keep it themselves. But I want to get there before all the mass European tourist hordes discover it.
41.On the commuter trains I take to Philly for work I see Wall Street broker types and want to ask: In running in the corporate rat race with whom are you racing and what are you racing for?
42.My parents taught me not to curse. Not because its bad but because it shows other people you cannot express a complete thought without using foul language and are therefore judged to be an idiot. Though sometimes I break that rule because a well placed 'fuck' can help you be more demonstrative in making a point.
43. I don't blame Jon Gosselin for leaving Kate, though I do blame him for lousy taste in women.
44. I think 'The Wire' is the greatest TV show ever, and the fact it never won a Emmy taught me what's good is often very different from what's popular.
45.Finally if my Alma mater Bowling Green ever got smart and were to invite me to give the commencement address, I would mention how a Sociological study from Harvard which followed a class of its graduates from the 1940's over their lifetime taught me the two most important things I've learned about life so far:
First, the most important variable of determining success was not looks, money, privilege, gender, race, or social status, but sheer perseverance. What most successful graduates had in common were exhibiting true grit in the face of naysayers, doubters, and obstacles to where overtime they achieved their life goals regardless of whatever others wanted.
Second, the happiest of those graduates did not place importance on attaining wealth, or fame, or prominence but rather on accumulating memories and experiences. In particular the memories created by our family, friends, and loved ones and the memories we create for them. Because when our time on this Earth is up, ultimately that is all we will be remembered by.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Enough with the singing shows, Birther of a Nation, and Time Party Like Its 1945
The big news of the past month? - ...The Beatles albums are finally on iTunes!, but that's not all! We killed Osama bin Laden! This is probably how it felt back in 1945 for my grandparents when Hitler off'd himself at the end of WWII. Which means my Inbox is filling up with Osama jokes. My favorite thus far:
-If Osama wanted a mansion without working phones and internet, he should of signed up with AT&T
-From now on when mob disposes of a body in water, it will be referred to as 'Bin Laden Style'
-Entire raid was really to make up for Obama forgetting to get Hilary something for Secretary's Day
Hot New Real Estate Market: Greenland - Forget Beverly Hills or Miami Beach, the hot new property market is the frozen tundra of Greenland. That's according to geographer Laurence Smith resulting to a newly discovered gigantic oil reserve underneath all that ice and with global warming gradually defrosting Greenland it could be for the taking by 2030. Around that time the Inuit will be driving Rolls Royce snowmachines and living in igloos made of gold.
FUN BONUS FACT: Greenland was the World's first real estate scam, as in the 1200's Vikings cleverly named it 'Green' Land to entice people to settle the region. I'm about 75% sure that's true
And speaking of oil - ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson with a straight face blamed the escalating price on costs associated individual gas stations not the oil companies. They really are asking for a angry mob to show up at their headquarters with pitchforks and torches.
No really, the reality singing shows can stop - Yes I'll grant you American Idol has had some home runs, but for every Carrie Underwood or Kelly Clarkson there's about 15 Taylor Hicks and Clay Aikens. There are no less than 3 major network shows revolving around some 19 year olds having their dreams crushed by musucian has beens upcoming. Seeing as how music sales are down, shouldn't we be focusing on perpetrating less crap music, not more?
But this kind of music can keep coming - Just when you think music has become a bottomless pit of utterless void resembling Ryan Secrest's soul out comes hot new breakout artist Adele. She's sort of like Amy Winehouse except where the talent actually validates hype and music wasn't inspired by chemical dependency. She's sold over 2 million copies so lesson here is people over the age of 25 will still buy music that's smart, catchy, and deep when offered in the marketplace. Who knew?
Next Up for Donald Trump: The search for the Easter Bunny and a unicorn - Barack Obama was forced to release his long-form birth certificate proving he was born in Hawaii therefore an American citizen which was never an issue for the reality-based community. But of course to all the birthers, nothing short of a time machine to transport them to Honolulu circa 1961 to actually witness his birth will do, which shows the problem of conspiracy theorists.
Show them a birth certificate and they'll say 'No we want the REAL birth certificate'. You say this is the real birth certificate and they reply 'How do you know for sure?' In their alternate universe every new piece of evidence simply proves the conspiracy runs deeper. But the more simpler explanation is birtherism = polite racism. Because most 'birthers' seem to have certain racial beliefs like an Black man could never legitimately be elected President.
And speaking of conspiracy theorists - Glenn Beck learned his fearmongering, vile show will not coming back to Fox News proving that even CEO Roger Ailes has some journalistic standards. Beck's spin will be his cancellation was a vast conpsiracy of Zionists in collusion with liberal elite media in collusion with Islamic terrorists in collusion with Freemasons in collusion with aliens from AlphaZeta9 forced him off the air.
The alternative explanation is really its all about cold hard cash. After the shooting of US congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, right wing media outlets were forced to do the math and realized if the shooter had been inspired by one of their talking heads, in legal parlance the liability would equate to 'a shitload of money'. And of course when you prophesize a doomsday scenario resulting from an Obama Presidency and then said scenario never materializes, you sort of lose credibility. Just saying.
How our Government Works - Recently introduced in Congress by Michele Bachmann (R - Crazytown) is 'The Lightbulb Freedom of Choice Act' (I shit you not, look up HR 5616). See back in 2007, that rabid treehugger George Bush signed a law phasing out incondescent lightbulbs in favor of longer lasting, more efficient flourescent lightbulbs that used much less energy and were better for the environment by mid-decade. Bachmann's problem isn't that these new lightbulbs had safety issues or didn't work or didn't save money. They actually saved a lot of money, but for Bachmann it saved money for the wrong people. Namely to the benefit of consumers and not Electric and Utility companies who through their lobbyists basically wrote the bill. And that's democracy in action because we are a government of the corporation, by the corporation, and for the corporation.
'You know how I know you're gay?' - A discussion about whether Lady Gaga is merely a rip-off of Madonna in the 80's is not a gay conversation. But when you are Bryan Fischer chief bigot spokesperson of the anti-gay American Family Association, it's very gay. Fisher went into that debate on his weekly internet podcast diatribe (which isn't worth watching unless you like getting the creeps) which reiterates my theory of homophobia: Supposedly non-gay people who obsess over the gay lifestyle to demonize it are actually gay. Something tells me Fisher's TIVO has the full season of Glee recorded.
Nobel Winning Economist has message for Wealthiest 1%: Start Sharing the Wealth or Face Revolution - In a column for Vanity Fair Joseph Stiglitz noted that in 2010 25% of America's wealth is owned by just 1% of the population, compared to 25 years ago when they owned just 12%. Plus they're incomes went up by 18% while men with only high school diploma went down by 13% in the same span.
His warning to those 1% is look to revolutions in Tunisia and Egypt where the other 99% decided they had enough and brought down the ruling elite. Or going further back ask Russian Czar Nicholas II or Marie Antionette how income inequality played out for them. So Stiglitz suggests now might be a good time to take some excess wealth and invest in things that would perhaps create jobs and bolster the middle class. Personally I don't think there will literally be class warfare unless the Tea Party crowd figures out they've been had then all bets are off.
But someone clearly isn't heeding Stiglitz's message - Should Obama win a second term, at his inaguration he can personally thank Congressman Rep. Paul Ryan (R - Wisconsin) whose 'Roadmap to Prosperity' which serves as the official GOP economic plan calls for privitizing Medicare and eliminating Social Secuirty for people now under the age of 55 while providing tax breaks to corporations with low taxes to pay off Gov't debt. In other words shifting the burden of healthcare and retirement costs to the elderly thereby balancing the budget which allows the rich to take their tax savings and create new jobs and everybody gets rich! (well that's the theory at least and Ryan also noted in the future hot chicks will finally dig guys for their personality alone)
Needless to say as Republicans have found out back in their home districts, this plan has gone over about as well as a fart on a crowded airplane. Because for some reason a lot of elderly are altruistic and worry about the younger generations because they can remember what life was like for the elderly before Social Security and Medicare (it sucked). And the young like the idea of living long enough to enjoy their grandkids while not living in poverty or gravely ill. The old political truism has been Social Security and Medicare are the third rail of electoral politics, touch it and you die. And polling is starting to show the GOP could lose Congress next year and Ryan may be a crispy critter when all is said and done.
When Science fiction is not stranger than Reality - In the 1987 awesomely bad movie RoboCop which takes place in a not too distant dystopian future where the city of Detroit, Michigan is so crime ridden and unlivable that an autocratic corporation takes the place of elected government to run things and clean up the streets. And its up to RoboCop to save the day and fight crime while overthrowing the evil company and saving democracy...yada,yada,yada.
Now present day, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder has enacted an Emergency Manager Law which allows him to install unelected 'Emergency' managers for troubled cities and towns dissolving the local government and leaving decisions to one person unaccountable to residents. Civil libertarians should take note, Snyder already enacted this provision in Benton Harbor, MI where the 'emergency' manager has ties to a local land developer who for years wanted the town's prized lake front property. But those pesky elected officials always denied him citing public use for families, beach preservation, affordable housing, yada, yada, yada. But now suprise, suprise, one of his first acts was to authorize the sale of this land to said developer. Not saying this law is a nefarious attempt by the State's powerful elite to circumvent local elected officials...well actually yeah that's what I'm saying.
FUN BONUS FACT: RoboCop has perhaps the greatest death scene ever in an action movie when a drug dealer falls into a vat of toxic waste during a gun battle with the aforementioned protagonist in some abandoned factory. He then emerges from the vat a hot mess (that's putting it lightly) and gets run over by another fleeing drug dealer and....well worth seeing if you're up at 4 in the morning and catch it on Cinemax sometime.
-If Osama wanted a mansion without working phones and internet, he should of signed up with AT&T
-From now on when mob disposes of a body in water, it will be referred to as 'Bin Laden Style'
-Entire raid was really to make up for Obama forgetting to get Hilary something for Secretary's Day
Hot New Real Estate Market: Greenland - Forget Beverly Hills or Miami Beach, the hot new property market is the frozen tundra of Greenland. That's according to geographer Laurence Smith resulting to a newly discovered gigantic oil reserve underneath all that ice and with global warming gradually defrosting Greenland it could be for the taking by 2030. Around that time the Inuit will be driving Rolls Royce snowmachines and living in igloos made of gold.
FUN BONUS FACT: Greenland was the World's first real estate scam, as in the 1200's Vikings cleverly named it 'Green' Land to entice people to settle the region. I'm about 75% sure that's true
And speaking of oil - ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson with a straight face blamed the escalating price on costs associated individual gas stations not the oil companies. They really are asking for a angry mob to show up at their headquarters with pitchforks and torches.
No really, the reality singing shows can stop - Yes I'll grant you American Idol has had some home runs, but for every Carrie Underwood or Kelly Clarkson there's about 15 Taylor Hicks and Clay Aikens. There are no less than 3 major network shows revolving around some 19 year olds having their dreams crushed by musucian has beens upcoming. Seeing as how music sales are down, shouldn't we be focusing on perpetrating less crap music, not more?
But this kind of music can keep coming - Just when you think music has become a bottomless pit of utterless void resembling Ryan Secrest's soul out comes hot new breakout artist Adele. She's sort of like Amy Winehouse except where the talent actually validates hype and music wasn't inspired by chemical dependency. She's sold over 2 million copies so lesson here is people over the age of 25 will still buy music that's smart, catchy, and deep when offered in the marketplace. Who knew?
Next Up for Donald Trump: The search for the Easter Bunny and a unicorn - Barack Obama was forced to release his long-form birth certificate proving he was born in Hawaii therefore an American citizen which was never an issue for the reality-based community. But of course to all the birthers, nothing short of a time machine to transport them to Honolulu circa 1961 to actually witness his birth will do, which shows the problem of conspiracy theorists.
Show them a birth certificate and they'll say 'No we want the REAL birth certificate'. You say this is the real birth certificate and they reply 'How do you know for sure?' In their alternate universe every new piece of evidence simply proves the conspiracy runs deeper. But the more simpler explanation is birtherism = polite racism. Because most 'birthers' seem to have certain racial beliefs like an Black man could never legitimately be elected President.
And speaking of conspiracy theorists - Glenn Beck learned his fearmongering, vile show will not coming back to Fox News proving that even CEO Roger Ailes has some journalistic standards. Beck's spin will be his cancellation was a vast conpsiracy of Zionists in collusion with liberal elite media in collusion with Islamic terrorists in collusion with Freemasons in collusion with aliens from AlphaZeta9 forced him off the air.
The alternative explanation is really its all about cold hard cash. After the shooting of US congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, right wing media outlets were forced to do the math and realized if the shooter had been inspired by one of their talking heads, in legal parlance the liability would equate to 'a shitload of money'. And of course when you prophesize a doomsday scenario resulting from an Obama Presidency and then said scenario never materializes, you sort of lose credibility. Just saying.
How our Government Works - Recently introduced in Congress by Michele Bachmann (R - Crazytown) is 'The Lightbulb Freedom of Choice Act' (I shit you not, look up HR 5616). See back in 2007, that rabid treehugger George Bush signed a law phasing out incondescent lightbulbs in favor of longer lasting, more efficient flourescent lightbulbs that used much less energy and were better for the environment by mid-decade. Bachmann's problem isn't that these new lightbulbs had safety issues or didn't work or didn't save money. They actually saved a lot of money, but for Bachmann it saved money for the wrong people. Namely to the benefit of consumers and not Electric and Utility companies who through their lobbyists basically wrote the bill. And that's democracy in action because we are a government of the corporation, by the corporation, and for the corporation.
'You know how I know you're gay?' - A discussion about whether Lady Gaga is merely a rip-off of Madonna in the 80's is not a gay conversation. But when you are Bryan Fischer chief bigot spokesperson of the anti-gay American Family Association, it's very gay. Fisher went into that debate on his weekly internet podcast diatribe (which isn't worth watching unless you like getting the creeps) which reiterates my theory of homophobia: Supposedly non-gay people who obsess over the gay lifestyle to demonize it are actually gay. Something tells me Fisher's TIVO has the full season of Glee recorded.
Nobel Winning Economist has message for Wealthiest 1%: Start Sharing the Wealth or Face Revolution - In a column for Vanity Fair Joseph Stiglitz noted that in 2010 25% of America's wealth is owned by just 1% of the population, compared to 25 years ago when they owned just 12%. Plus they're incomes went up by 18% while men with only high school diploma went down by 13% in the same span.
His warning to those 1% is look to revolutions in Tunisia and Egypt where the other 99% decided they had enough and brought down the ruling elite. Or going further back ask Russian Czar Nicholas II or Marie Antionette how income inequality played out for them. So Stiglitz suggests now might be a good time to take some excess wealth and invest in things that would perhaps create jobs and bolster the middle class. Personally I don't think there will literally be class warfare unless the Tea Party crowd figures out they've been had then all bets are off.
But someone clearly isn't heeding Stiglitz's message - Should Obama win a second term, at his inaguration he can personally thank Congressman Rep. Paul Ryan (R - Wisconsin) whose 'Roadmap to Prosperity' which serves as the official GOP economic plan calls for privitizing Medicare and eliminating Social Secuirty for people now under the age of 55 while providing tax breaks to corporations with low taxes to pay off Gov't debt. In other words shifting the burden of healthcare and retirement costs to the elderly thereby balancing the budget which allows the rich to take their tax savings and create new jobs and everybody gets rich! (well that's the theory at least and Ryan also noted in the future hot chicks will finally dig guys for their personality alone)
Needless to say as Republicans have found out back in their home districts, this plan has gone over about as well as a fart on a crowded airplane. Because for some reason a lot of elderly are altruistic and worry about the younger generations because they can remember what life was like for the elderly before Social Security and Medicare (it sucked). And the young like the idea of living long enough to enjoy their grandkids while not living in poverty or gravely ill. The old political truism has been Social Security and Medicare are the third rail of electoral politics, touch it and you die. And polling is starting to show the GOP could lose Congress next year and Ryan may be a crispy critter when all is said and done.
When Science fiction is not stranger than Reality - In the 1987 awesomely bad movie RoboCop which takes place in a not too distant dystopian future where the city of Detroit, Michigan is so crime ridden and unlivable that an autocratic corporation takes the place of elected government to run things and clean up the streets. And its up to RoboCop to save the day and fight crime while overthrowing the evil company and saving democracy...yada,yada,yada.
Now present day, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder has enacted an Emergency Manager Law which allows him to install unelected 'Emergency' managers for troubled cities and towns dissolving the local government and leaving decisions to one person unaccountable to residents. Civil libertarians should take note, Snyder already enacted this provision in Benton Harbor, MI where the 'emergency' manager has ties to a local land developer who for years wanted the town's prized lake front property. But those pesky elected officials always denied him citing public use for families, beach preservation, affordable housing, yada, yada, yada. But now suprise, suprise, one of his first acts was to authorize the sale of this land to said developer. Not saying this law is a nefarious attempt by the State's powerful elite to circumvent local elected officials...well actually yeah that's what I'm saying.
FUN BONUS FACT: RoboCop has perhaps the greatest death scene ever in an action movie when a drug dealer falls into a vat of toxic waste during a gun battle with the aforementioned protagonist in some abandoned factory. He then emerges from the vat a hot mess (that's putting it lightly) and gets run over by another fleeing drug dealer and....well worth seeing if you're up at 4 in the morning and catch it on Cinemax sometime.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Libya, The Lamest Sex Scandal Ever, and 10 Things that make John Boehner Cry
Twitter validates the existence of Public Relations Reps – With the advent of Twitter the time and distance between a celebrity saying something really stupid and career ruin is milliseconds. Twenty four hours after the tragic tsunami in Japan. Gilbert Gottfried tweeted ‘The Japanese are so rich, they can have the shoreline come to them’ which the following day led to him losing his endorsement deal for Aflac and just about any entertainment job in the next few months. This is truly a gilded age for PR reps who probably have their Blackberry physically implanted in their ear now. Handling celebrities in this new era of social networking is probably like riding in the passenger seat of a sports car being driven by Gary Busey.
Libya: The revolution will be televised – Not sure if the airstrikes over Libya are wise decision but I do feel that the benefit to Qaddafi being toppled is the Libyan people having a leader who will be much better dressed. Qaddafi pretty much ruled like he dressed, as a truly hot mess. His style could best be described as Laurence of Arabia meets Liberace.
Never underestimate the power of stupidity following a Natural Disaster Part 1 – During the US-Argentina soccer match at the Meadowlands in New Jersey. Someone yelled ‘Konitchiwa bitches!’ during a moment of silence for victims of the Japanese earthquake, and tsunami. I believe there was a time when it was acceptable, even encouraged to drag idiots out into the street and beat them until they were able to think straight.
Never underestimate the power of stupidity following a Natural Disaster Part 2 – A week after the tsunami wiped away whole towns in Japan, the House of Representatives in their proposed budget voted to cutting funds for the US Tsunami Early Warning System. I believe there was a time when the people in Congress represented the best and brightest this country had to offer as willful ignorance was not considered a enviable character trait.
Fun Party Game – Guess which of the two situations the following statement is most likely to be heard: ‘Turn it off! Turn It Off!... God please make it stop!’ Is it someone in the basement of an S&M chamber or someone listening to Kim Kardashian's new single?
The kids actually are alright – Over the past 2 years the US teen pregnancy rate has dropped and researchers actually credited the MTV white trash-sploitation series '16 and Pregnant'. Who knew that kids watching bad role models on TV would persuade them to do the opposite and make good life choices? One can only hope that 'The Jersey Shore' will lead to a surge in literacy and college graduation rates.
The Most Pathetic Sex Scandal Ever – Congressman Chris Lee from New York was forced to resign after being caught soliciting women via Craigslist for sex. (Fun Bonus fact: he was later discovered trolling around the transsexual escort section). If you are going busted for an extra-marital affair at least make it worth your while and actually have sex. If your career is going to be destroyed by a cellphone pic at least go out in a blaze of glory with a picture of you snorting coke off a hooker’s ass or something. On the Eliot Spitzer scale of politician horndoggery this ranks a big fat 0.
Best Moment of Unintended Hilarity Nominee, Part 1 – In Fort Wayne, Indiana a proposal to build a statue honoring a former mayor had to be shelved, not because noted mayor ever did anything wrong. But because noted mayor’s name was Harry Baals, and apparently the city hall got tired of being asked if the statue had a pair of big brass ones or it enjoyed giving a Roman Soldier helmet.
Best Moment of Unintended Hilarity Nominee, Part 2 – The Utah state legislature elicited all sorts of childish pointing and giggling when at a press conference announced The Dutch Oven had been voted as official state appliance. The joke was lost on lawmakers until a few of them went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner and a waiter explained why they might want to avoid the refried beans.
How ‘The Bachelor’ validates the existence of gay marriage – A feminist friend once argued that a show like The Bachelor does more to hurt women than porn ever will. Mainly because it makes women seem like the only way to validate their lives if they have some handsome, rich tool marry them. I’ll add to that in saying if heterosexual marriage is now exemplified by a game show where 16 women whore themselves out to some dolt who won the genetic lottery all for a diamond ring. Then why can’t gays and lesbians marry?
Top 10 Things that make John Boehner Cry – Well its official, men can cry in public without scorn as evidenced by Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner’s frequent sobbing. Here is a definitive list that will guarantee the waterworks from the distinguished gentleman from Ohio:
1.The sound of little children at play
2.Kittens
3.Freshly cut grass on a golf course when Spring is in bloom and sun is shining and the clubhouse tab picked up by someone else
4.The clinking sound ice makes when put into glass followed by the pouring of Scotch after a hard day of “doin’ the people’s business” at the private Congressional lounge.
5.Savoring the aroma from unwrapping a new pack of Marlboro Lights
6.The view from a private jet en route to a corporate sponsored junket in Hawaii
7.The peace and quiet that follows a meeting with Newt Gingrich
8.The tragedy of when a Fortune 500 company can’t utilize loopholes in the corporate tax code to avoid taxes on mega profits
9.The emptiness felt when looking at the corner of his office where his tanning machine would normally be but is in the repair shop.
10.That crisp smell of pen ink emanating off a freshly written tobacco lobby check which takes him back to the first time he realized being Speaker means you don’t have to ask for money. The money comes asking for you.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
In Defense of Public Employees
Normally I don't get swept up too heavily in political issues or causes because frankly it would make me mental (and my wife will attest I already have enough of that). But one issue though has grabbed my attention enough so that I can't help but add my voice to already crowded blogosphere.
Over the past week, Republican statehouses in Wisconsin, Ohio, and Indiana have introduced legislation to essentially destroy the unions of Public workers which hits home for me because both my parents worked for the State of Ohio. Before you assume my parents were the oft-repeated stereotype of the lazy, underwhelming, mediocre public worker who could not hack it in the private sector allow me to break some pre-conceived notions.
My Dad managed about dozen investigators for the worker's comp fraud division and annually saved Ohio taxpayers millions of dollars by rooting out bad, fraudulent claims and recuperating money taken from these claims. He was frequently out in the field trying to catch cheats in the act and once had his car window smashed by a baseball bat, and even had a shotgun pointed at him.
Some people liken their workplace to an insane asylum but my Mom actually worked in one. As a psychologist specializing in Schizophrenia, she worked at the Central Ohio Psychiatric Hospital evaluating accused criminals claiming insanity to determine state of mind at time of crime for legal proceedings. Essentially her job was to root out the bullshit artists from those who were actually crazy. Fun bonus fact: the old COPH hospital was creepy and haunted! (a story for another time).
Needless to say due to the nature of thier jobs, when 'Take Your Kid To Work' day came around I was stuck at school. It also meant I could never get away with lying, ever. But I wonder if Ohio Gov.John Kasich (R-Assclown) would consider my parents not worthy of the right to collective bargain pay raises and health insurance in return for good, honest work? My parents like many other public employees were smart, skilled people providing a important role to the general public. Like teachers, policemen, social workers, civil engineers, policy analysts, etc. They chose to take a lower pay in the public sector because they felt their jobs meant something and were important to society at large (see below).
Over the past week, Republican statehouses in Wisconsin, Ohio, and Indiana have introduced legislation to essentially destroy the unions of Public workers which hits home for me because both my parents worked for the State of Ohio. Before you assume my parents were the oft-repeated stereotype of the lazy, underwhelming, mediocre public worker who could not hack it in the private sector allow me to break some pre-conceived notions.
My Dad managed about dozen investigators for the worker's comp fraud division and annually saved Ohio taxpayers millions of dollars by rooting out bad, fraudulent claims and recuperating money taken from these claims. He was frequently out in the field trying to catch cheats in the act and once had his car window smashed by a baseball bat, and even had a shotgun pointed at him.
Some people liken their workplace to an insane asylum but my Mom actually worked in one. As a psychologist specializing in Schizophrenia, she worked at the Central Ohio Psychiatric Hospital evaluating accused criminals claiming insanity to determine state of mind at time of crime for legal proceedings. Essentially her job was to root out the bullshit artists from those who were actually crazy. Fun bonus fact: the old COPH hospital was creepy and haunted! (a story for another time).
Needless to say due to the nature of thier jobs, when 'Take Your Kid To Work' day came around I was stuck at school. It also meant I could never get away with lying, ever. But I wonder if Ohio Gov.John Kasich (R-Assclown) would consider my parents not worthy of the right to collective bargain pay raises and health insurance in return for good, honest work? My parents like many other public employees were smart, skilled people providing a important role to the general public. Like teachers, policemen, social workers, civil engineers, policy analysts, etc. They chose to take a lower pay in the public sector because they felt their jobs meant something and were important to society at large (see below).
But they also from time to time needed the protection of unions because in a political environment like State Gov't, the little guy needs someone on their side. In the 1970's my Mom evaluated a serial rapist named Billy Milligan (good info on Wikipedia) who claimed to have multiple personalities. My mom stated he wasn't crazy but was actually a brilliant sociopath who managed to con several supposed top-flight experts. She was overruled and Milligan was released and went on to rape several coeds at Ohio State. When my Mom blew the whistle her bosses tried to punish her, but thankfully the union stood up for us and protected her job.
Now Mr.Kasich believe it or not we've met before when I was in the 1st grade and you came to talk to us kids about Politics back when you were starting a undistinguished career in Congress. Which dovetailed to a undistinguished TV show on Fox News followed by a undistinguished career in the private sector, which should result in a undistinguished term as Governor. Even then I could tell you were sleazeball and a liar (those lollypops handouts you probably stole from some other kids).
So let's be honest Mr.Kasich is it coincidence that three Republican held statehouses are enacting the exact same legislation at the same time? No, because frankly Governor you're really not that smart. I have the feeling this is just the first shot in attempt by the mighty corporate oligarchy of this country to roll back Labor laws to the 19th century. If we follow the money we find the same Billionaires who bankroll the 'Tea Party movement*' (What? You thought it was a spontaneous movement?) funded these politicians to have their self interests enacted under the guise of public policy.
(*-Tea Party officially licensed as subsidiary of Koch Enterprises, Inc.)
I support capitalism as much as Donald Trump but I also support the worker's rights to organize, workplace safety, anti-discrimination, equal pay for equal work among men and women, unemployment insurance, overtime if you work more than 40 hours, and that kids under age of 18 actually have to go to school instead of serving as cheap labor. To answer Glenn Beck these are not communist values but American values. Rights that unions and workers have fought throughout our history and are still worth fighting for today.
If you are a private sector employee and think none of this has anything to do with you think again. Watch, soon we'll be asked to relinquish unemployment benefits, then Medicare, then Social Security in the name of shared sacrifice because apparently raising taxes on rich individuals and corporations to balance budgets is tantamount to terrorism (or something). Notice how public sector workers conveniently provide a scapegoat by both Repubs and Democrats alike to blame for budget deficits and other fiscal misadventures.
Now before the Palinites send the hatemail understand I believe in limited Gov't and balanced budgets. Ideally Gov't should be like an iPhone: small, but highly effective and serving many needs at once while making most efficient use of resources. But I also believe we need Gov't to serve interest of people not corporations. And as the most prosperous country on Earth there's no reason that business owners can't enjoy profits while their workers enjoy a decent wage to have a comfortable living. So in other words. quit blaming public service workers!
And that's all I got to say about that!
Now Mr.Kasich believe it or not we've met before when I was in the 1st grade and you came to talk to us kids about Politics back when you were starting a undistinguished career in Congress. Which dovetailed to a undistinguished TV show on Fox News followed by a undistinguished career in the private sector, which should result in a undistinguished term as Governor. Even then I could tell you were sleazeball and a liar (those lollypops handouts you probably stole from some other kids).
So let's be honest Mr.Kasich is it coincidence that three Republican held statehouses are enacting the exact same legislation at the same time? No, because frankly Governor you're really not that smart. I have the feeling this is just the first shot in attempt by the mighty corporate oligarchy of this country to roll back Labor laws to the 19th century. If we follow the money we find the same Billionaires who bankroll the 'Tea Party movement*' (What? You thought it was a spontaneous movement?) funded these politicians to have their self interests enacted under the guise of public policy.
(*-Tea Party officially licensed as subsidiary of Koch Enterprises, Inc.)
I support capitalism as much as Donald Trump but I also support the worker's rights to organize, workplace safety, anti-discrimination, equal pay for equal work among men and women, unemployment insurance, overtime if you work more than 40 hours, and that kids under age of 18 actually have to go to school instead of serving as cheap labor. To answer Glenn Beck these are not communist values but American values. Rights that unions and workers have fought throughout our history and are still worth fighting for today.
If you are a private sector employee and think none of this has anything to do with you think again. Watch, soon we'll be asked to relinquish unemployment benefits, then Medicare, then Social Security in the name of shared sacrifice because apparently raising taxes on rich individuals and corporations to balance budgets is tantamount to terrorism (or something). Notice how public sector workers conveniently provide a scapegoat by both Repubs and Democrats alike to blame for budget deficits and other fiscal misadventures.
Now before the Palinites send the hatemail understand I believe in limited Gov't and balanced budgets. Ideally Gov't should be like an iPhone: small, but highly effective and serving many needs at once while making most efficient use of resources. But I also believe we need Gov't to serve interest of people not corporations. And as the most prosperous country on Earth there's no reason that business owners can't enjoy profits while their workers enjoy a decent wage to have a comfortable living. So in other words. quit blaming public service workers!
And that's all I got to say about that!
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