These awards originated out of my fraternity from college, and celebrated all of our best (or worst) moments drunkenness, debauchery, and just plain moments of stupidity. Today we're grown up and so to have The Rossys as we celebrate the best in salacious achievements throughout the World!
The Happy Hour Lasted An Hour Too Long Award - A inebriated Arizona Cardinals fan in Phoenix decided to celebrate a rare victory by masturbating in a motel parking lot. When confronted by police, said fan responded by inviting them 'To Come Get Some'. Instead Police invited him to get some at the Maricopa County jail where there were probably others in his condition more willing to take his offer.
Best Moment of Law Enforcement Not Featured on TV Show Cops - A woman in Gurnee,IL was arrested for assaulting an officer with a dildo after a traffic stop. Sadly no video exists of said assault but when asked by Prosecutors to describe the weapon, officers noted the weapon in their police report as a 'clear, rigid, feminine, pleasure device'
The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence: Field Trip Category - Eighth grade students from Berwick, PA who took a trip to the Baltimore Aquarium got an extra special treat for lunch: Hooters! Known as the place for wings, beer, and uh other things, where undoubtedly boys had no complaints and girls could determine how far along they were in training bras. When parents complained the local school board defended the lunch as providing well rounded education (unsure if pun was intended). But on the plus side there was increase in fathers volunteering to chaperon on next year's trip.
The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence: The Improved Literacy Category - First graders at Emerson Elementary School near Los Angeles as a part of a 'Reading Is Fun' campaign got a special treat as a celebrity read to them in class. Not just any celebrity but porn star Sasha Grey, 2010 AVN winner (The Oscars of Porn) for Best Anal Sex scene. Reportedly Grey enjoyed the experience since most porn scripts are written only at a elementary reading level though many parents were not amused. Luckily for school admins the furor died down quickly when offended parents were asked 'If you don't watch porn than how do you know Sasha Grey?' An awkward silence usually followed from the Dads then typically responding 'Well, on second thought what harm is there in learning reading'
Best Impersonation of Cop by A Transsexual Hooker - Police in Baltimore, MD received several reports of motorists being pulled over and having their licenses taken by a man impersonating a cop...while dressed as a woman...with a blond wig...wearing long, knee high leather boots...and fishnet stockings. To date him (or her) has not been found, nor have any of the licenses have been recovered. However some male victims reported they were stunned but not completely turned-off, and found the whole situation strangely curious.
The Fly The Friendly Skies Award: Celebrity Category - French actor Gerard Depardieu was kicked off an Air France flight from Paris to Dublin for urinating on the floor of First Class shortly after takeoff. After being refused use of a lavatory, Depardieu protested by relieving the contents of the complimentary champagne in front of the stewardesses. We are fairly certain somewhere in America a braindead local news anchor reporting the story made the obvious pun 'First Class clearly isn't what it used to be, Haha...now onto Weather...'
The Fly The Friendly Skies Award: Disgruntled Employee Category - Passengers aboard an overnight Virgin Atlantic flight from Orlando, FL to Glasgow, Scotland received a warm, friendly wake-up call of 'Good morning, you cunts!' Allegedly, the message was intended for crew but accidentally went out to the whole plane. However seeing as most of the passengers were Scottish, the c-word may be have been taken as a term of endearment.
Best Fight: Non-Drinking Category - Police in the village of Xuzhou in the Jiangsu province of China were called to break up a melee among 200 villagers resulting from a local father using strippers as entertainment for his son's wedding. According to eyewitness reports men initially were fighting to get a better look at the show, but when wives arrived the reason switched to 'Were shocked, shocked to find nude dancing here' and the brawl escalated form there.
Best Fight: Drinking Category - A Thanksgiving dinner in Racine, WI turned sour when the 23-year boyfriend of the host was arrested for threatening another guest with a butcher knife after they took his favorite seat at the dinner table. Allegedly adding to the comedic aspect was the perpetrator being 5'3" tall and the guest being over 6'0" and able hold attacker at bay with simply having long arms.
Best Riot Not Involving European Soccer Fans or a Chuck E Cheese - In Greece, fans of Panathininaikos BC celebrated a European Basketball League playoff victory over Barcelona by setting fire to their own arena. In response to the incident FIBA the basketball governing authority said typical arena party songs 'The Roof Is On Fire' and 'Burning Down The House' would no longer be played. In a related sports note, Panathinaikos BC would go on to win the European Basketball Championship which represented another championship that Lebron James and Miami Heat did not win.
The Cheech and Chong Award - Rhode Island State Assemblyman Robert Watson this Spring was arrested for DUI and pot possession after being stopped at a DUI checkpoint. What clinched the Rossy for Rep. Watson was days earlier while criticizing the State's Legislature, he was quoted saying Rhode Island would become a great place for 'A Gay Guatemalan who likes to gamble and smoke marijuana'. Political analysts noted the bizarre nature of the incident noting Sen. Watson was neither gay, nor Guatemalan, nor had any history of gambling.
The Ethics In New Jersey Politics Award - Jersey City councilman Steven Lipski was arrested for urinating from the balcony of Washington D.C. music club onto patrons below listening to a Phish cover band. Luckily for the councilman, there were no serious repercussions since most people agree that A) music from Phish in general sucks and B) anyone who would pay money to see a Phish cover band probably deserves to be urinated on.
Best Use of Prostitution - A Physics professor named David Flory at Fairleigh-Dickinson University in New Jersey was fired for his creative way to supplement his teaching income consisting of running a brothel out of his New Mexico vacation home. Colleagues became suspicious when good professor started showing up to his lectures wearing gold chains, walking around with a cane, and telling students 'Bitch better have my term paper'.
Best Combination of Prostitution and/or Illegal Drugs - Many civic minded groups often face the challenge for fundraising. But one Mummer's group in Philadelphia found an very profitable method to raise funds for their float in the annual New Year's parade...a cocaine and hookers party!
Philly Police sent undercover cops to investigate whether the Downtown Fancy Brigade, a Mummer's group was selling liquor without a license in their clubhouse and found out they were selling more...much more. It what could only be described as The Shriners meet Scarface, the end result were arrests of 10 prostitutes, 15 johns, a gun, and enough cocaine to fuel Lindsay Lohan for a week. And the brigade's Treasurer there to make sure they got a cut of the action. No word if The 4H Club were planning on adding some new elements to their annual Country Line Dance hoedown.
Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - A 34 year old in Vermont man was arrested for vandalizing his ex-girlfriend's car, but what caught the Rossy committee's attention was the part where he misspelled the word 'Slut' on the hood. The suspect was arrested by Police, while being questioned,when they asked him to spell out 'Slut' which he then wrote as 'Sult', same spelling as was spray-painted on the car.
The Gordon Ramsey Award for Best Restaurant Moment - The Chili's Southwestern Chicken can come in spicy flavor but one women eating at their Albuquerque, NM restaurant really got spicy when she pierced her tongue with a needle. Around that same moment in the kitchen a line cook was saying 'Hey Man, I got to divvy up this marijuana for sale after my shift, anyone seen my hairpin I normally use to roll joints? I left it by the chicken...Oh, (Bleep)!'
After that experience, Chili's figured a $50 dinner coupon probably wasn't enough to make up for needing a Tetanus shot and the woman's lawyers agreed as they presumably paid a large sum of money for her to eat at TGIFridays from now on.
The Charlie Sheen Award for Epic Achievement In Partying - From an anonymous forwarded e-mail detailing how a mid, 20-something aged male working in a large business firm in Chicago decided to regale his co-workers with his adventures the previous evening. His story detailed the following:
- How trashed he got at company softball game
- Afterward,at the bar he got into a altercation with a teammate when he made unwanted advances to that person's girlfriend
- Tells how lucky he was not to get a DUI driving around Chicago later that night trolling for hookers.
- Woke up next morning covered in his own puke
- Came into work late and was probably still drunk
Said employee detailed all of this in an e-mail....sent to the entire company. Reportedly shortly afterward this employee was summoned to Human Relations and subsequently never heard from again. Whoever you are Mr.'Because Thats How I Roll' the Rossy committee salutes you.
The LeBron James Flaming Asshole of the Year Award - Alasdair Thompson, CEO of the Employers and Manufacturers Association of New Zealand in a morning radio interview blamed women for low productivity and higher cost citing menstruation and child birth: "Because you know, once a month they have sick problem. Not all women, but some do. They have children and they have to take leave off"
Thompson barely made it to that afternoon before having to quickly apologize but similar to a carload of baby shit being thrown into a large Industrial fan, the damage was done and he was out of a job. Although Thompson did not say so publicly, we are pretty certain he would be in favor women giving birth if child slave labor was legal.
The Karma Is A Bitch Award sponsored by Chick Fil'A - A man in Delano, CA who was participating in an illegal cockfight died after...wait for it.....accidentally being stabbed in throat by his Rooster. No really you are allowed laugh at this.
The 2011 Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee - A man in Connecticut was arrested for insurance fraud, identity theft, and a litany of other charges after posing as a severely brain damaged patient so home health nurses would come to his house and care for him. The payoff for this gentleman particularly was the part where they would clean up after he made a dooty....because he had a Infantalism fetish. Unfortunately the gig was up when a nurse who came early caught him walking around, smoking a cigarette, sans adult diaper. The Rossy Committee suggests to Mr.Brain Freeze-Poopy Pants that surely there must have been a Craiglist section for that kinda of thing. And willing participants probably come cheaper than a home health aide, too!
The 2011 Rossy Lifetime Achievement Award - In times of great uncertainty, there have been great orators who encapsulated the wisdom needed to persevere. Whether it was the American Civil War (Abraham Lincoln and The Gettysburg Address), Darkest Days of WWII ('We shall never give up, We shall never surrender' from Winston Churchill), or crossroads of the Civil Rights Movement (Martin Luther King and his 'I Have a Dream' speech)
For these troubled times of 2011, with economic turmoil in Europe, political upheaval in the Mideast, and America having a crisis of confidence. The Rossy committee could find strength and comfort in the wisdom of one Carlos Estevez aka Charlie Sheen. From his interview on ABC News which will one day be engraved in stone:
'I'm on a drug and it's called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available, because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, “Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!” …
I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, had to unload 22 years of fiction … the fiction of A.A. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning.
I’m dealing with fools and trolls. They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives, and then they look at me and they say, “I can’t process it.” Well, no, you never will. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.'
So to summarize the 2011 Rossy Awards: WINNING!
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Monday, January 2, 2012
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
My Unnecessary Guide To the 2012 Republican Presidential Primaries
Warning: The following has been satirized for your protection. Photos courtesy of Wonkette
Since the Washington Post political reporting is staffed by a bunch of idiots, Fox News are bunch of corporate shills, and NYT's Maureen Dowd is an overrated hack. I thought I would bring you the only political analysis of the Republican Presidential Primary that really matters. Otherwise known as I read political blogs so you don't have to.
Here I evaluate each candidate rating their threat to Obama in Joe Biden BFD units (Big Fuckin Deal). This score ranges from 4 (Causes Obama to get gray hairs and need a cigarette) to 0 (Obama can start making plans for his Second Term Inauguration).
The Corporate Establishment Bracket
Mitt Romney
You might know him as - Former Governor of Massachusetts
Strengths - Republicans like their nominees to look 'presidential' and Romney looks like he came straight from central casting for the part. Essentially the man bankers are counting on to keep the Bush tax cuts going.
Weaknesses - Has managed to take both sides of every issue at some point in his political career depending upon which way the wind blows. Also he created universal health care reform in Massachusetts which looks oddly similar to the one Obama instituted.
BFD Meter - 4
Jon Huntsman
Strengths - Moderate with ability to raise conservative talking points without scaring the off Independent voters. Has good hair, Also his daughters are hot which should excite Maxim readers (see below).
Weaknesses - His moderate tone probably won't play well with the typical evangelical, Southern conservative who like their politics deep-fried. Neither will his stint as Ambassador to China where he was appointed by...Obama
BFD Meter - 2
Newt Gingrich
You might know him as - Former Speaker of the House of Representatives, History professor, Bill Clinton's arch-nemesis, professional asshole
Strengths - The ultimate shape-shifter. A politician who can survive in just about any political landscape. Can raise money from Wall Streeters in the one day and spend it posing as a fire breathing populist to the Tea Party in the next.
Weaknesses - Never met a microphone he didn't like which leads to a daily helping of him looking like gasbag. Thus as voters get to know him the less they tend to like him. His serial adultery won't play well with the Born Again Christian crowd.
BFD Meter - 2.5
The Tea Party/Religious Right Bracket (aka The people clinging to their guns and religion)
Rick Perry
You might know him as - Current Governor of Texas
Strengths - Can bring the Southern good ol' boy charm along with the good hair and rap that speaks to the NASCAR race fan voting bloc. Has managed irritate Karl Rove which gives him Anti-Establishment cred that Tea Partyers crave.
Weaknesses - 'There are three departments that I will cut as President: Education, Commerce, and uh...uh....umm....(90 seconds later)...uh..Oooops..can't think of the third'
Nothing like having a brain fart on Nationally televised debate.
BFD Meter - 2
Michele Bachmann
You might know her as - Current Congresswoman from Minnesota
Strengths - Went Tea Party before it was cool to go Tea Party among GOP power players. While some dismiss her as crank, may have have Machiavellian instincts to dial up just enough crazy to appeal to the Far Right but stay under the mainstream media's radar.
Weaknesses - May actually be batshit crazy. Seems to have problem reconciling some her claims to anything resembling reality.
BFD Meter - 1
Rick Santorum
You might know him as - Former US Senator from Pennsylvania
Strengths - The Religious Right's preferred candidate after publicly stating he would outlaw Abortion and thinks all contraceptives should be banned which secretly gets Pat Robertson aroused.
Weaknesses - Google 'Santorum'...seriously...do it...no really...you've got try it!
BFD Meter - 1
The Libertarian Bracket (aka Conservatives who like to smoke weed and watch South Park)
Ron Paul
You might know him as - Current Congressman from Texas
Strengths - Quite possibly the only man in Washington who actually says AND does what he believes. Has been the only Republican to voice concerns about War on Terror infringing on civil liberties.
Weaknesses - As patron saint of the Ayn Rand crowd is not afraid to say he would dismantle Medicare and Social Security which considering retired voters are major voting bloc means he has a snowball's chance in Hell in a general election. Karl Rove would burn down the GOP convention before allowing Paul to get the party's nomination.
BFD Meter - 2
Gary Johnson
You might know him as - Former Governor of New Mexico
Strengths - Popular governor in a largely Democratic state and possibly only Governor to ever sport a pony tail. Bears a strong resemblance to 'The Dude' in the Big Lebowski
Weaknesses - Wants to legalize marijuana and reform immigration which puts him squarely against the law and order crowd.
BFD Meter - 1
The Not.Gonna.Happen.Ever Bracket (BFD Meter for each name below sums up to 0 POINT 0)
Buddy Roemer
You might know him as - Former Congressman and Governor of Louisiana
Strengths - Served both State and Federal level.....
Weaknesses - Served both State and Federal level...as a Democrat in the 80's
Thaddeus McCodder
You might know him as - You probably don't but Current Congressman from Michigan
Strengths - Thaddeus who?
Weaknesses - see above
Fred Karger
You might know him as - You almost certainly never have but he was political consultant if you really need to know
Strengths - First openly gay politician to run for President
Weaknesses - First openly gay politician to run for President...for the GOP nomination...in a party that virulently anti-Gay. Good luck with that sir.
Gone but not forgotten:
Herman Cain (His endorsement could be key)
Gone and very much forgotten:
Sarah Palin
Tim Pawlenty
And the WINNER of the GOP Primary will be: Mitt Romney! Gingrich and Perry split the Religious Right/Tea Party/Batshit Crazy voters who make up the Anyone but Romney contingent which provides Mittens the opening he needs pass through to the Winner's circle. Ron Paul continues his Don Quixote'esque quest for the Presidency which ends up like a cult TV show: has rabid, cult following but falls far short in terms of actual votes and ends up cancelled.
And the WINNER of the 2012 Presidential election will be: TOSS UP! Essentially a replay of 2004 where a vulnerable incumbent faces a flawed challenger. Whoever wins it will be a 51-49 split.
Forget Meet The Press since David Gregory is an absolute tool...because THIS could be the key to deciding the 2012 race: The dark horse for running mate would be Marco Rubio, US Senator from Florida. A Romney/Rubio combo would peel away two big voting groups Obama would need: white college educated professionals and Hispanics.
Since the Washington Post political reporting is staffed by a bunch of idiots, Fox News are bunch of corporate shills, and NYT's Maureen Dowd is an overrated hack. I thought I would bring you the only political analysis of the Republican Presidential Primary that really matters. Otherwise known as I read political blogs so you don't have to.
Here I evaluate each candidate rating their threat to Obama in Joe Biden BFD units (Big Fuckin Deal). This score ranges from 4 (Causes Obama to get gray hairs and need a cigarette) to 0 (Obama can start making plans for his Second Term Inauguration).
The Corporate Establishment Bracket
Mitt Romney
 |
| Romney surveys his fiefdom |
You might know him as - Former Governor of Massachusetts
Strengths - Republicans like their nominees to look 'presidential' and Romney looks like he came straight from central casting for the part. Essentially the man bankers are counting on to keep the Bush tax cuts going.
Weaknesses - Has managed to take both sides of every issue at some point in his political career depending upon which way the wind blows. Also he created universal health care reform in Massachusetts which looks oddly similar to the one Obama instituted.
BFD Meter - 4
Jon Huntsman
 |
| That's Huntsman with an H not C |
You might know him as - Former Governor of Utah and US Ambassador to China
Strengths - Moderate with ability to raise conservative talking points without scaring the off Independent voters. Has good hair, Also his daughters are hot which should excite Maxim readers (see below).
 |
| Sadly reporters were more interested in his daughters |
Weaknesses - His moderate tone probably won't play well with the typical evangelical, Southern conservative who like their politics deep-fried. Neither will his stint as Ambassador to China where he was appointed by...Obama
BFD Meter - 2
Newt Gingrich
 |
| Asshat sold separately |
You might know him as - Former Speaker of the House of Representatives, History professor, Bill Clinton's arch-nemesis, professional asshole
Strengths - The ultimate shape-shifter. A politician who can survive in just about any political landscape. Can raise money from Wall Streeters in the one day and spend it posing as a fire breathing populist to the Tea Party in the next.
Weaknesses - Never met a microphone he didn't like which leads to a daily helping of him looking like gasbag. Thus as voters get to know him the less they tend to like him. His serial adultery won't play well with the Born Again Christian crowd.
BFD Meter - 2.5
The Tea Party/Religious Right Bracket (aka The people clinging to their guns and religion)
Rick Perry
 |
| Clearly compensating for something |
Strengths - Can bring the Southern good ol' boy charm along with the good hair and rap that speaks to the NASCAR race fan voting bloc. Has managed irritate Karl Rove which gives him Anti-Establishment cred that Tea Partyers crave.
Weaknesses - 'There are three departments that I will cut as President: Education, Commerce, and uh...uh....umm....(90 seconds later)...uh..Oooops..can't think of the third'
Nothing like having a brain fart on Nationally televised debate.
BFD Meter - 2
Michele Bachmann
 |
| I'm crazy like a fox...or just crazy |
Strengths - Went Tea Party before it was cool to go Tea Party among GOP power players. While some dismiss her as crank, may have have Machiavellian instincts to dial up just enough crazy to appeal to the Far Right but stay under the mainstream media's radar.
Weaknesses - May actually be batshit crazy. Seems to have problem reconciling some her claims to anything resembling reality.
BFD Meter - 1
Rick Santorum
 |
| She googles 'Santorum' |
Strengths - The Religious Right's preferred candidate after publicly stating he would outlaw Abortion and thinks all contraceptives should be banned which secretly gets Pat Robertson aroused.
Weaknesses - Google 'Santorum'...seriously...do it...no really...you've got try it!
BFD Meter - 1
The Libertarian Bracket (aka Conservatives who like to smoke weed and watch South Park)
Ron Paul
 |
| Paul and his freedom loving, tax hating groupies |
Strengths - Quite possibly the only man in Washington who actually says AND does what he believes. Has been the only Republican to voice concerns about War on Terror infringing on civil liberties.
Weaknesses - As patron saint of the Ayn Rand crowd is not afraid to say he would dismantle Medicare and Social Security which considering retired voters are major voting bloc means he has a snowball's chance in Hell in a general election. Karl Rove would burn down the GOP convention before allowing Paul to get the party's nomination.
BFD Meter - 2
Gary Johnson
You might know him as - Former Governor of New Mexico
Strengths - Popular governor in a largely Democratic state and possibly only Governor to ever sport a pony tail. Bears a strong resemblance to 'The Dude' in the Big Lebowski
Weaknesses - Wants to legalize marijuana and reform immigration which puts him squarely against the law and order crowd.
BFD Meter - 1
The Not.Gonna.Happen.Ever Bracket (BFD Meter for each name below sums up to 0 POINT 0)
Buddy Roemer
You might know him as - Former Congressman and Governor of Louisiana
Strengths - Served both State and Federal level.....
Weaknesses - Served both State and Federal level...as a Democrat in the 80's
Thaddeus McCodder
You might know him as - You probably don't but Current Congressman from Michigan
Strengths - Thaddeus who?
Weaknesses - see above
Fred Karger
You might know him as - You almost certainly never have but he was political consultant if you really need to know
Strengths - First openly gay politician to run for President
Weaknesses - First openly gay politician to run for President...for the GOP nomination...in a party that virulently anti-Gay. Good luck with that sir.
Gone but not forgotten:
Herman Cain (His endorsement could be key)
Gone and very much forgotten:
Sarah Palin
Tim Pawlenty
And the WINNER of the GOP Primary will be: Mitt Romney! Gingrich and Perry split the Religious Right/Tea Party/Batshit Crazy voters who make up the Anyone but Romney contingent which provides Mittens the opening he needs pass through to the Winner's circle. Ron Paul continues his Don Quixote'esque quest for the Presidency which ends up like a cult TV show: has rabid, cult following but falls far short in terms of actual votes and ends up cancelled.
And the WINNER of the 2012 Presidential election will be: TOSS UP! Essentially a replay of 2004 where a vulnerable incumbent faces a flawed challenger. Whoever wins it will be a 51-49 split.
Forget Meet The Press since David Gregory is an absolute tool...because THIS could be the key to deciding the 2012 race: The dark horse for running mate would be Marco Rubio, US Senator from Florida. A Romney/Rubio combo would peel away two big voting groups Obama would need: white college educated professionals and Hispanics.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Black Friday Madness, Insane Clown Posse, and Belguim = Anarchists' Paradise
by Jason Neal
From The Annals of Chutzpah - In an attempt to clear their good names and protect whatever is left of their once grand fortune. The Non-indicted members of the Madoff family (so far) have written a tell-all arguing they knew nothing of Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme, that essentially boils down to: 'Even though we had no idea where the $2 Billion came from, we just cashed the checks and assumed he got it waiting tables or something'.
Legal analysts when asked if this strategy would work replied 'Uh good luck with that.' So best strategy for the Madoffs is to change their name, go to some faraway country, and just disappear. Because there is a reason you never meet anybody with the last name of Ponzi anymore.
The latest Terror Threat To America - Juggalos, the self-described fan base of the rap duo Insane Clown Posse (see photo) who may or not may be some post-modernist, absurdist comedy act were labeled a gang by the FBI. But lest Juggalos get confused for Bloods, Crips, or Hell's Angels, loitering in the parking lot of the local 7-11, while wearing facepaint and drinking Diet Faygo would not exactly be construed by prison lifers as 'hard core'
Look out middle America, it's your worst nightmare
NBA Lockout Avoided - Thankfully only about 15 games of a 82 regular season had to be cancelled (and you thought NASCAR dragged on forever). This will undoubtedly spare the most vulnerable and I speak of the entourages of the players of course. Those unsung heroes who make sure the Escalade is ready for that 2:30am ride to the strip club and there are enough dollar bills to make it rain. And you can really blowout your thumbs handling haters on a players Twitter account.
America Is Now Officially China's Bitch - The US Military backed out of a deal to sell Taiwan several fighter jets, officially saying it did not want to escalate tensions between China and Taiwan whom China considers a renegade province and gets miffed when Taiwan's dogs poops on it's yard. In reality its because US is so indebted to China that all the Beijing has to do to destroy America is call in the debt. So Taiwan, it was nice knowing you.
Belgium: The Hot New Destination for Anarchists - From April 2010 through December 2011, Belgium was officially without a government after its Parliament could not produce a ruling majority marking a European record for longest period without a government. No economic collapse, or chaos or societal breakdown were reported. Just Belgians carrying on at what they do best namely drinking beer, making chocolate, and holding a 200 year old grudge with the French. Many people wonder if the US would prosper without central Gov't but that's pure hogwash. Because corporate lobbyists would be out of a job.
Oil Isn't the only natural resource about to run out - Remember when coffee cost a nickel? In the near future we may be saying 'Remember when coffee only cost $20?' Thanks in part to the rapid growing middle class in the developing World who have formed an insatiable demand for coffee. And global warming where new research from the International Centre for Tropical Agriculture warned it would become too hot to grow coffee in many the world's main producers like Ghana and Ivory Coast by 2050.
So that Cup O' Joe may end up being called Cup O' MY God, You Want Me To Pay What?
Does It Actually Pay To Be Nice? - According to Guido Heineck of the Inst. for Employment Research the answer is No. His study published in Industrial and Labor Relations Review he found a negative relationship between earnings and agreeableness. So in other words the bigger asshole you are, the more likely you are to make more than your co-workers. But also presumably there is a negative relationship between being a prick and odds of being invited to happy hour.
...which probably explains Wall Street Bankers' Success - Traders on Wall Street boycotted Mario Batali's restaurant Babbo in New York's financial district after he likened them to Stalin or Hitler. One unnamed trader complained to Wall Street Journal 'I can't believe I just spent $4,000 there the other night' which highlights why Occupy Wall Street exists. How many Americans in this economy can afford to drop $4,000 on a restaurant tab for trendy Italian food? And Wall Streeters wonder why the other 99% hate them.
You Go Girl! - Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback got owned by a high school senior in what quite possibly is the most pathetic display of power in American politics. After 18 year-old Emma Sullivan trashed Gov.
So Much for All That - Herman Cain, millionaire, former CEO of
NEW RULE - If you pepper spray other people waiting in line at Wal-Mart or step over a dying elderly man to get last $9.99 DVD player during Black Friday you are officially insane - I know they call it Black Friday Madness but really that's just an expression. The sudden disappearance of tanning beds from the Jersey Shore probably would not elicit as much hysteria. Because technically Christmas is about the birth of Jesus and if he were here he would tell everyone waiting for Target to open at midnight to calm the fuck down.
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Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Song of the South, Occupy Wall Street, and Why Conspiracies Are So Hard
By Jason Neal
NOT Coming Soon to a Theater Near You - As part of their latest parental extortion scheme, Disney over the course of the next few years will be opening the vault to all their hits for limited engagements via 3D. But don't expect 'Song of the South' coming around anytime soon ....or ever. Because remember reading about those good old, halcyon days right after the Civil War where the South was bastion for racial peace and equality? Neither did anyone else. Which is why Disney wishes it could magically make every VHS tape of it still out there disappear like The Jonas Brothers.
The 1946 live action/animation film set in the Reconstruction Era of the South where an elderly Black sharecropper Uncle Remus regales small children and animated furry animals with stories of Southern folklore. While most famous for its Oscar winning song 'Zippity Doo Daa', its also noted for its cringe inducing effect caused by its racial stereotypes and slave/master overtone that managed to be blissfully ignorant of history making it the SECOND most politically incorrect movie of all time.
FUN BONUS FACT: You'll notice I said 'Song of the South' was the SECOND most politically incorrect movie of all time. That honor goes to the 1971 film 'The Day the Clown Cried' a fun, whimsical Holocaust tale starring Jerry Lewis as a concentration camp political prisoner forced dress as a clown to be a pied piper for Jewish children and lead them to their deaths in a gas chamber. Worst part was how the movie was going to be marketed as a dark comedy (I'm not kidding). Not surprisingly the producer after seeing finished result immediately canceled its release and ordered all reels and negatives destroyed. Looking back it probably saved Jerry Lewis' career so his awkward performances are reserved for his lounge act.
Casual Sex? Yeah there's an app for that! - Based off the popular gay app Grindr, now comes Blendr for heterosexuals which shows the GPS location of anyone in your immediate area looking for sex at that very precise moment. So say it's lunchtime and your looking for a little 'somethin,somethin'. Click on the green dot to message whomever and assuming they have (choose one) no standards/addiction to crack/zero impulse control...bada bing....you're back a work...with hopefully no need for Anti-Viral medication. It's like a McDonald's drive thru for nymphomaniacs.
US Congress, only slightly more popular than Penis Cancer - According to Gallup, the approval rating for Congress stands at a meteoric 12%. The real question here is who are those 12% of people who actually think this current crop of lawmakers is doing a good job. Seriously did they poll mental wards and retirement homes?
Permission Granted to Serve Fabulously - Do Not Ask, Do Not Tell was officially phased out allowing gay and lesbians to serve in the military openly. Also as we approach the 10 year anniversary of gay marriage slowly becoming legal, a helpful guide of what has transpired thus far:
Funny how civilized society hasn't collapsed
Not that Steve Jobs needs any more eulogizing, but... - Did you know the Apple IIe computer helped end the Cold War? In December 1988 Soviet Premiere Mikhail Gorbachev came to New York City for a summit with President Reagan and newly elected Bush the Senior. Legend has it all three visited a elementary school in Harlem where Gorbachev was given a tutorial on how to use a personal computer...by an 8 year old. So stunned was Gorbachev by the ease of which a kid could learn new information from this revolutionary machine, he suddenly realized his country had nothing technologically of that magnitude. And for any hope of Russia to compete with the West things back home were going to have to change. Thus it was at that moment the seeds of Soviet Union's demise were sown.
But Seriously, Steve Jobs doesen't need anymore eulogizing - While I believe Jobs belongs in the pantheon of Edison, The Wright Bros, and Galileo. Let's not get carried away because was still a human after all. Which is a polite way of saying Jobs could be sort of a prick. The reason I never became Apple fanboy was all of those shiny new devices were made in nearly slave labor like conditions in China. So while his vision of personal computing liberated many, it also trapped others. Plus people who worked him said he had a mean streak the size of Haley's comet.
Wherein I examine the most pressing question of the Amanda Knox Trial -With Amanda Knox acquitted by a Italian Supreme Court for allegedly going OJ on her college roommate while as an exchange student in the country. The biggest unanswered question surrounding her case is not about the dysfunctional Italian legal system or even if she did it. For men at least it's would you...like...you know...do her?
To assess this question we'll utilize a scientific method called 'Rachael Ray Units'. This is the measurement of how many alcoholic beverages would you need to consume for TV host Rachael Ray to become attractive or in this case Knox. For Amanda Knox the results are 6.2 (as in needing 6 beers and 2 shots) which puts her in Sarah Jessica Parker territory.
Quite possibly the Greatest Waste of Time..EVER - A website called http://blackboardsinporn.blogspot.com/ is devoted to evaluating the content written on blackboards in porn scenes using the typical student-teacher scenario. No actual nudity or sex shown so it's SFW. Just grading whether what's on the blackboard is correct. God Bless America!
Why Conspiracies Are Hard To Pull-Off - A statistical theory from entsophy shows a formula for why:
To see the real reason, one must understand the central tension of a ringleader. If you increase the number of conspirators for greater effectiveness, you also increase the chance of failure. Moreover, effectiveness increases slowly as you add conspirators but the chance of failure increases rapidly.
This can be formulated in a model. Let n be the number of conspirators and let p= probability that a single conspirator will not cause failure, either through disloyalty or incompetence. Then
Chance of Success = p(n)
Effectiveness = An
Or in other words the more number of conspirators, the higher chance of relying on someone who is a complete dipshit or someone who cannot keep their mouth shut. Which is why I never really believe conspiracy theories involving our Gov't since that would require immense cooperation and sophistication among large bureaucracies without a single person screwing it up or blabbing about it. If you've gone through airport security lately you know this is not possible.
But some Conspiracies Succeed Splendidly - What if I told you that there was secret organization made up of powerful Billionaires and corporations who conspire with key politicians to influence and pass laws in all 50 State Legislatures across the country. You'd would say I should be fitted for tin-foil hat, right?
Let me introduce you to ALEC or American Legislative Exchange Council. A seemingly benign sounding organization but directly responsible for a large volume of legislation in Statehouses across the country all of which is aimed at benefiting large corporations. Founded more than 20 years ago by the various moneyed interests of this country who decided it easier to influence laws they wanted at the State level which often go unnoticed as opposed to the Federal level. So in exchange for upwards of a $25,000 membership fee (otherwise you have to call it a bribe), corporate donors can introduce laws they want enacted to legislators from all 50 states at one time. Then politicians take the proposed legislation back home and introduce it as their own idea and in return are rewarded with nice, fat campaign donations in doing their master's bidding. And thanks to Supreme Court case Citizens United vs. Federal Election Commission which now allows unlimited corporate donations its pretty sweet investment for America's economic royalty.
Here's a sampling of how it works. Do you think it's coincidence that stripping collective bargaining rights for Public employees were introduced in Wisconsin, Ohio, and Tennessee almost all in the same month? Of course not, it came from ALEC. Why? So the For-Profit Education Industry can begin the process of taking over Public Education without the interference from those pesky teacher unions. But since this organization is technically not breaking the law the real conspiracy is why isn't the media covering this?
Some investment advice to the Wall Street Bankers: 'Be Afraid....Be Very Afraid' - I have no idea whether The Occupy Wall Street will lead to much needed financial reforms. But it has already accomplished the one thing the Financial Barons fear the most. Remember the film 'Beetlejuice' where the title character can't make materialize to wreak havoc unless you say his name three times? The Beetlejuice for Economic Ruling Class is when Americans start paying attention to three little words..Growing.Income Inequality...Which OWP just rocketed into the spotlight.
One little chart pretty much sums up the past 30 years, where rich got richer mostly at the expense of the Working and Middle Class. Though no one in the other 99% really noticed because our stagnated wages were masked the influx of cheap credit, 'affordable' housing, and consumer items made by cheap labor elsewhere. Plus we always seemed to be divided by petty grievances like Race, The Culture Wars, etc while preoccupied by absurdities in Popular Culture to really notice that Wall Street's insatiable need for higher and higher profits resulted in jobs moving overseas and evaporation of the American Dream for those who still had jobs.
But this recession has brought things into sharp focus because it was created by Wall Street's greed and whose benefactors collectively have suffered nothing as a result of it. And I have a feeling the old red herring of 'class warfare'' and 'socialism' often levied by the 1% and their enablers at Fox News just aren't going to work this time. The Trickle Down Theory that savings the rich get from low taxes will eventually 'trickle down' to the rest of us which formed basis of US economic policy since 1980 simply hasn't happened. If the ruling class think they can get away telling the nation to accept steep budget cuts, high unemployment, diminished social safety net while they get lower taxes. Then they snorted way too much cocaine with high priced hooker last night.
NOT Coming Soon to a Theater Near You - As part of their latest parental extortion scheme, Disney over the course of the next few years will be opening the vault to all their hits for limited engagements via 3D. But don't expect 'Song of the South' coming around anytime soon ....or ever. Because remember reading about those good old, halcyon days right after the Civil War where the South was bastion for racial peace and equality? Neither did anyone else. Which is why Disney wishes it could magically make every VHS tape of it still out there disappear like The Jonas Brothers.
The 1946 live action/animation film set in the Reconstruction Era of the South where an elderly Black sharecropper Uncle Remus regales small children and animated furry animals with stories of Southern folklore. While most famous for its Oscar winning song 'Zippity Doo Daa', its also noted for its cringe inducing effect caused by its racial stereotypes and slave/master overtone that managed to be blissfully ignorant of history making it the SECOND most politically incorrect movie of all time.
FUN BONUS FACT: You'll notice I said 'Song of the South' was the SECOND most politically incorrect movie of all time. That honor goes to the 1971 film 'The Day the Clown Cried' a fun, whimsical Holocaust tale starring Jerry Lewis as a concentration camp political prisoner forced dress as a clown to be a pied piper for Jewish children and lead them to their deaths in a gas chamber. Worst part was how the movie was going to be marketed as a dark comedy (I'm not kidding). Not surprisingly the producer after seeing finished result immediately canceled its release and ordered all reels and negatives destroyed. Looking back it probably saved Jerry Lewis' career so his awkward performances are reserved for his lounge act.
Casual Sex? Yeah there's an app for that! - Based off the popular gay app Grindr, now comes Blendr for heterosexuals which shows the GPS location of anyone in your immediate area looking for sex at that very precise moment. So say it's lunchtime and your looking for a little 'somethin,somethin'. Click on the green dot to message whomever and assuming they have (choose one) no standards/addiction to crack/zero impulse control...bada bing....you're back a work...with hopefully no need for Anti-Viral medication. It's like a McDonald's drive thru for nymphomaniacs.
US Congress, only slightly more popular than Penis Cancer - According to Gallup, the approval rating for Congress stands at a meteoric 12%. The real question here is who are those 12% of people who actually think this current crop of lawmakers is doing a good job. Seriously did they poll mental wards and retirement homes?
Permission Granted to Serve Fabulously - Do Not Ask, Do Not Tell was officially phased out allowing gay and lesbians to serve in the military openly. Also as we approach the 10 year anniversary of gay marriage slowly becoming legal, a helpful guide of what has transpired thus far:
Funny how civilized society hasn't collapsedNot that Steve Jobs needs any more eulogizing, but... - Did you know the Apple IIe computer helped end the Cold War? In December 1988 Soviet Premiere Mikhail Gorbachev came to New York City for a summit with President Reagan and newly elected Bush the Senior. Legend has it all three visited a elementary school in Harlem where Gorbachev was given a tutorial on how to use a personal computer...by an 8 year old. So stunned was Gorbachev by the ease of which a kid could learn new information from this revolutionary machine, he suddenly realized his country had nothing technologically of that magnitude. And for any hope of Russia to compete with the West things back home were going to have to change. Thus it was at that moment the seeds of Soviet Union's demise were sown.
But Seriously, Steve Jobs doesen't need anymore eulogizing - While I believe Jobs belongs in the pantheon of Edison, The Wright Bros, and Galileo. Let's not get carried away because was still a human after all. Which is a polite way of saying Jobs could be sort of a prick. The reason I never became Apple fanboy was all of those shiny new devices were made in nearly slave labor like conditions in China. So while his vision of personal computing liberated many, it also trapped others. Plus people who worked him said he had a mean streak the size of Haley's comet.
Wherein I examine the most pressing question of the Amanda Knox Trial -With Amanda Knox acquitted by a Italian Supreme Court for allegedly going OJ on her college roommate while as an exchange student in the country. The biggest unanswered question surrounding her case is not about the dysfunctional Italian legal system or even if she did it. For men at least it's would you...like...you know...do her?
To assess this question we'll utilize a scientific method called 'Rachael Ray Units'. This is the measurement of how many alcoholic beverages would you need to consume for TV host Rachael Ray to become attractive or in this case Knox. For Amanda Knox the results are 6.2 (as in needing 6 beers and 2 shots) which puts her in Sarah Jessica Parker territory.
Quite possibly the Greatest Waste of Time..EVER - A website called http://blackboardsinporn.blogspot.com/ is devoted to evaluating the content written on blackboards in porn scenes using the typical student-teacher scenario. No actual nudity or sex shown so it's SFW. Just grading whether what's on the blackboard is correct. God Bless America!
Why Conspiracies Are Hard To Pull-Off - A statistical theory from entsophy shows a formula for why:
To see the real reason, one must understand the central tension of a ringleader. If you increase the number of conspirators for greater effectiveness, you also increase the chance of failure. Moreover, effectiveness increases slowly as you add conspirators but the chance of failure increases rapidly.
This can be formulated in a model. Let n be the number of conspirators and let p= probability that a single conspirator will not cause failure, either through disloyalty or incompetence. Then
Chance of Success = p(n)
Effectiveness = An
Or in other words the more number of conspirators, the higher chance of relying on someone who is a complete dipshit or someone who cannot keep their mouth shut. Which is why I never really believe conspiracy theories involving our Gov't since that would require immense cooperation and sophistication among large bureaucracies without a single person screwing it up or blabbing about it. If you've gone through airport security lately you know this is not possible.
But some Conspiracies Succeed Splendidly - What if I told you that there was secret organization made up of powerful Billionaires and corporations who conspire with key politicians to influence and pass laws in all 50 State Legislatures across the country. You'd would say I should be fitted for tin-foil hat, right?
Let me introduce you to ALEC or American Legislative Exchange Council. A seemingly benign sounding organization but directly responsible for a large volume of legislation in Statehouses across the country all of which is aimed at benefiting large corporations. Founded more than 20 years ago by the various moneyed interests of this country who decided it easier to influence laws they wanted at the State level which often go unnoticed as opposed to the Federal level. So in exchange for upwards of a $25,000 membership fee (otherwise you have to call it a bribe), corporate donors can introduce laws they want enacted to legislators from all 50 states at one time. Then politicians take the proposed legislation back home and introduce it as their own idea and in return are rewarded with nice, fat campaign donations in doing their master's bidding. And thanks to Supreme Court case Citizens United vs. Federal Election Commission which now allows unlimited corporate donations its pretty sweet investment for America's economic royalty.
Here's a sampling of how it works. Do you think it's coincidence that stripping collective bargaining rights for Public employees were introduced in Wisconsin, Ohio, and Tennessee almost all in the same month? Of course not, it came from ALEC. Why? So the For-Profit Education Industry can begin the process of taking over Public Education without the interference from those pesky teacher unions. But since this organization is technically not breaking the law the real conspiracy is why isn't the media covering this?
Some investment advice to the Wall Street Bankers: 'Be Afraid....Be Very Afraid' - I have no idea whether The Occupy Wall Street will lead to much needed financial reforms. But it has already accomplished the one thing the Financial Barons fear the most. Remember the film 'Beetlejuice' where the title character can't make materialize to wreak havoc unless you say his name three times? The Beetlejuice for Economic Ruling Class is when Americans start paying attention to three little words..Growing.Income Inequality...Which OWP just rocketed into the spotlight.
One little chart pretty much sums up the past 30 years, where rich got richer mostly at the expense of the Working and Middle Class. Though no one in the other 99% really noticed because our stagnated wages were masked the influx of cheap credit, 'affordable' housing, and consumer items made by cheap labor elsewhere. Plus we always seemed to be divided by petty grievances like Race, The Culture Wars, etc while preoccupied by absurdities in Popular Culture to really notice that Wall Street's insatiable need for higher and higher profits resulted in jobs moving overseas and evaporation of the American Dream for those who still had jobs.
But this recession has brought things into sharp focus because it was created by Wall Street's greed and whose benefactors collectively have suffered nothing as a result of it. And I have a feeling the old red herring of 'class warfare'' and 'socialism' often levied by the 1% and their enablers at Fox News just aren't going to work this time. The Trickle Down Theory that savings the rich get from low taxes will eventually 'trickle down' to the rest of us which formed basis of US economic policy since 1980 simply hasn't happened. If the ruling class think they can get away telling the nation to accept steep budget cuts, high unemployment, diminished social safety net while they get lower taxes. Then they snorted way too much cocaine with high priced hooker last night.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Your 2011 Summer Wrap-Up or 'May You Always Live In Interesting Times'
'May You Always Live In Interesting Times' - Old Irish proverb
This summer of 2011 has been interesting indeed. A look back shall we.
When Canadians Attack - Actual time and money were spent by the Canadian Gov't to study the causes of the Vancouver riots after their team's loss in the Stanley Cup Finals. There conclusion literally boiled down to one sentence: "There were too many people and they were too drunk."
(Not everyone was bummed by the Canucks loss)
(Prime Minister David Cameron: No really everything will be fine. Please remain calm. All is Well)
This summer of 2011 has been interesting indeed. A look back shall we.
When Canadians Attack - Actual time and money were spent by the Canadian Gov't to study the causes of the Vancouver riots after their team's loss in the Stanley Cup Finals. There conclusion literally boiled down to one sentence: "There were too many people and they were too drunk."
(Not everyone was bummed by the Canucks loss)
One thing is certain. Canadians are probably the most polite rioters you'll ever find. 'Excuse me sir would you mind stepping out of the car? We would not want you to get injured while we overturn and burn it, eh'
The English Did Too - London suffered its worst rioting since Arthur Treacher's prematurely ran out of Fish N Chips one time during the 80's. Though unlike Canadians who just like to drink and riot, there may have been something more substantive causing these riots coming in the form of economic inequality and high youth unemployment. Which is why American leaders might want to take note because those two ingredients are in plentiful supply over here. While highly unlikely, one extended cable television outage or finding out American idol is rigged could change all that.
The English Did Too - London suffered its worst rioting since Arthur Treacher's prematurely ran out of Fish N Chips one time during the 80's. Though unlike Canadians who just like to drink and riot, there may have been something more substantive causing these riots coming in the form of economic inequality and high youth unemployment. Which is why American leaders might want to take note because those two ingredients are in plentiful supply over here. While highly unlikely, one extended cable television outage or finding out American idol is rigged could change all that.
(Prime Minister David Cameron: No really everything will be fine. Please remain calm. All is Well)
But Jobs May Have To Wait since The Tea Party decided hold the nation's economy hostage -Congressional teabaggers proved they really are nuts when they nearly caused Worldwide economic meltdown by refusing to raise the debt ceiling unless they get drastic spending cuts. Apparently they slept in during economics class in college when the professor explained austerity rarely does anything to improve the economy let alone create jobs. And the Wall Street Billionaires who bankrolled the Tea Party are probably reconsidering that experiment after the Stock Exchange continues to its downward decline since the full faith and credit of the US is no longer guaranteed thanks to a couple of wing nuts.
Obama, Total Loser? - Since Obama settled the debt ceiling issue by doing what he does best which is capitulate to GOP's demands making supporters wondering if really elected the second coming of Jimmy Carter. A lot of people who voted for him wonder at what point does he start fighting back against the Far Right. Therefore conventional wisdom which is all our fearless media really has to offer assumes Obama is perceived as weak therefore toast in 2012.
Obama, Zen Master? - Which is why the pajama pants punditry may be wrong as they usually are about most things. By letting the GOP hold the nation's economy hostage over the debt ceiling, Obama made them look absolutely batshit insane to the average voter. Richard Nixon once said that the key to winning an Federal election as a Republican was 'Run like hell to the right in the primaries, then run like hell to the center during the general election.' Combined with the Republicans behavior in Congress, the GOP Presidential field have run so far to the right they may have just driven any hope of winning 2012 off a cliff, let alone trying to make a left turn back to the main road. As master blogger Andrew Sullivan notes: 'Obama's core strength as a politician is getting his opposition to destroy itself.'
There is one idea that could regenerate jobs - Rearrange the corporate tax code so companies that keep good, high paying manufacturing jobs here pay no taxes while those who send jobs overseas but retain corporate offices Stateside get the full 30+% tax rate on profits.
Currently most of Apple's fancy little gadgets are made by cheap labor overseas, so they can make a 66% profit margin. Now if same production were done in the US, the profit margin would shrink to a measely 50%. The stumper here is why a 16% higher profit margin still can't buy Steve Jobs a better wardrobe beyond his omnipresent black shirt?
So what would it take for Apple to move production to America? Try tariffs on Apple's bottom line for every device shipped to the US from their overseas plant, while Apple's competitors who produce in the US would pay $0. Then Steve Jobs could create a new app for himself called iShouldProbablyRethinkMyBusinessModel.
Libya Gained Freedom and a Better Fashion Sense - The Arab Spring continued to roll along as Muammar (he actually liked to be called Larry) Gaddafi was ousted from power. In addition to a renewed hope for democracy, Libyans will undoutedly be getting a leader with a lot more style. Gaddafi dressed like he ruled, as a hot mess. He looked like Laurence of Arabia raided Elton John's closet.I mean when your despotic Head of State for an oil rich, vaguely terror supporting country you have to look like you at least put some thought into your wardrobe.
(Does this say fear my rule to you?)
Obama, Total Loser? - Since Obama settled the debt ceiling issue by doing what he does best which is capitulate to GOP's demands making supporters wondering if really elected the second coming of Jimmy Carter. A lot of people who voted for him wonder at what point does he start fighting back against the Far Right. Therefore conventional wisdom which is all our fearless media really has to offer assumes Obama is perceived as weak therefore toast in 2012.
Obama, Zen Master? - Which is why the pajama pants punditry may be wrong as they usually are about most things. By letting the GOP hold the nation's economy hostage over the debt ceiling, Obama made them look absolutely batshit insane to the average voter. Richard Nixon once said that the key to winning an Federal election as a Republican was 'Run like hell to the right in the primaries, then run like hell to the center during the general election.' Combined with the Republicans behavior in Congress, the GOP Presidential field have run so far to the right they may have just driven any hope of winning 2012 off a cliff, let alone trying to make a left turn back to the main road. As master blogger Andrew Sullivan notes: 'Obama's core strength as a politician is getting his opposition to destroy itself.'
There is one idea that could regenerate jobs - Rearrange the corporate tax code so companies that keep good, high paying manufacturing jobs here pay no taxes while those who send jobs overseas but retain corporate offices Stateside get the full 30+% tax rate on profits.
Currently most of Apple's fancy little gadgets are made by cheap labor overseas, so they can make a 66% profit margin. Now if same production were done in the US, the profit margin would shrink to a measely 50%. The stumper here is why a 16% higher profit margin still can't buy Steve Jobs a better wardrobe beyond his omnipresent black shirt?
So what would it take for Apple to move production to America? Try tariffs on Apple's bottom line for every device shipped to the US from their overseas plant, while Apple's competitors who produce in the US would pay $0. Then Steve Jobs could create a new app for himself called iShouldProbablyRethinkMyBusinessModel.
Libya Gained Freedom and a Better Fashion Sense - The Arab Spring continued to roll along as Muammar (he actually liked to be called Larry) Gaddafi was ousted from power. In addition to a renewed hope for democracy, Libyans will undoutedly be getting a leader with a lot more style. Gaddafi dressed like he ruled, as a hot mess. He looked like Laurence of Arabia raided Elton John's closet.I mean when your despotic Head of State for an oil rich, vaguely terror supporting country you have to look like you at least put some thought into your wardrobe.
(Does this say fear my rule to you?)Syria Though Only Has A Better Fashion Sense - In what might be the most tone-deaf, ill-timed, and possibly inappropriate magazine articles ever written. Vogue magazine featured a fashion spread and 3,000 glowing article about Asma Al-Assad. The wife of Bashar Al-Assad who is President of Syria and spent his Summer violently suppressing dissent in his country. This includes the torture, rape, and murder of a 12 year old son of a political dissident along with bombing unarmed civilians from planes that earned Al-Assad War Crimes charges by The UN Human Rights Tribunal. It says something when even Iran thinks you've gone too far, but to the editors of Vogue I guess it's all good as long as you look good doing it.
You Remember When We Were All Supposed To Die in May? - We all got a chcukle when the we were suppose to die on May 22nd, and nothing happened. There were a couple of serious consequences such as a few attempted suicides, a woman trying to drown her kids before the rapture, and retirees giving away their life savings to spread the message. I sort of felt sorry for those elderly true believers who basically got suckered, until I realized the main reason for doomsday prophesy was that gay marriage was now legal. Then I thought, 'Ah screw em. Serves them right for being that stupid'
You Remember all Those Warnings About Impact of Global Warming? - And a large segment of our population who don't believe in science along with all oil company executives sort of chuckled. But here's the funny part, this summer showed the ill effects from climate change might have already started. I always thought 'Global Weirding' was more appropriate term than 'Global Warming' because the changing environment was going to cause a lot of weird things to happen and our weather is starting to get wierd. Compare the predictions with what's actually been happening:
1.The interior of the US will become very hot and very dry - See Texas having over 100 days without rain and record high tempratures this Summer causing even camels in the Dallas Zoo to say 'fuck it's hot!'. And this part of much larger pattern of dry summers for Southwest over past few years.
2.There will be unbalanced distribution of rainfall across the US as some areas get drier, others get wetter - See New Jersey having over 30 inches of rain in August alone, when our yearly average is...42. At this rate a rainforest will sprouting up in our backyard and Newark will become the new Seattle
3.There will be more frequent and deadlier storms accross the country - See the tornadoes in Joplin, Missouri and Tuscaloosa, Alabama
4.The warming Ocean temprature will cause more frequent hurricanes - See Northeast US. One of the complaints about the Maryland, Delaware, and Jersey shores was the cold water did not make for good swimming. But it also served as a saving grace against hurricanes since they need warm tropical water to thrive and most stalled out by the Carolinas. Enter Irene who essentially fired a shot accross the region's bow. I have a feeling we'll be seeing more of these.
5.The Arctic Ocean will be ice free in summer by 2030 - See Russia and Exxon aggreeing to mineral rights and oil exploration in the Arctic Ocean since ice free Ocean waters tend to be convienant time to build oil rigs. Santa may need a houseboat instead of a Ginger Bread house.
Though the Biggest Agent for Change in Environmental Friendly Policies May Not Be Al Gore - Instead it will be the insurance industry. Claims from storm damage in the US have quadruppled since 1980. Which means premiums we pay on our home owners insurance have probably doubled whatever the size of that quadruple amount was. To the point now living in Florida is almost unaffordable and trailor parks in the Midwest might as well move underground.
Dick Cheney Wrote A Book To Apologize For Everything - Just kidding. Actually the Dark Sith Overlord and former shadow President Dearth Cheney (that's right I said it) essentially boiled it down to 'I did my way and if you don't like it then Go Fuck Yourself!.
Donald Rumsfeld Wrote a Book and Admitted He Screwed Up In Iraq - HA Just kidding Again! The memoir of former Defense secretary and all-around Mr.Warmth essentially said Iraq was everyone else's fault while throwing former Secretaries of State Colin Powell and Condeleeza Rice under the bus, then backing it up for good measure. This is sort of what a circular firing squad looks like.
How Empires Fall - Who knew that a 13 year-old murder victim in Britain could bring down the modern day version of Randolph Hearst? News Corp. CEO and Founder Lord Voldemort aka Rupert Murdoch is watching his media empire crumble after it revealed reporters from one his newspaper hacked into the phone of Sarah Payne and listen to messages for exclusives. When they erased messages to get more scoops it gave false hope to the family and police and potentially distracted them from finding the real killer.
And apparently this was standard practice throughout the UK as News Corp. reporters hacked the Royal Family, celebrities, soldiers killed in Afghanistan, Families of Victims of 7/7 London bombings, Across the pond here, News Corp. is being investigated by the FBI whether they hacked families of 9/11 victims. If this is proves true you may see the shitstorm of the Century and Murdoch's prized American media asset of Fox News will need a lot of umbrellas.
Quite possibly the greatest Out of Office message. EVER - Finally, Since Summer is the season of vacations, which means at offices everywhere it is the season of Out of Office notices. I present the greatest:
I am currently out of the office on vacation.
I know I’m supposed to say that I’ll have limited access to email and won’t be able to respond until I return — but that’s not true. My blackberry will be with me and I can respond if I need to. And I recognize that I’ll probably need to interrupt my vacation from time to time to deal with something urgent.
That said, I promised my wife that I am going to try to disconnect, get away and enjoy our vacation as much as possible. So, I’m going to experiment with something new. I’m going to leave the decision in your hands:
■If your email truly is urgent and you need a response while I’m on vacation, please resend it to interruptyourvacation@[redacted].com and I’ll try to respond to it promptly.
■If you think someone else at [the company] might be able to help you, feel free to email my assistant, and she’ll try to point you in the right direction.
· Otherwise, I’ll respond when I return…
Warm regards,
Josh
.
You Remember When We Were All Supposed To Die in May? - We all got a chcukle when the we were suppose to die on May 22nd, and nothing happened. There were a couple of serious consequences such as a few attempted suicides, a woman trying to drown her kids before the rapture, and retirees giving away their life savings to spread the message. I sort of felt sorry for those elderly true believers who basically got suckered, until I realized the main reason for doomsday prophesy was that gay marriage was now legal. Then I thought, 'Ah screw em. Serves them right for being that stupid'
You Remember all Those Warnings About Impact of Global Warming? - And a large segment of our population who don't believe in science along with all oil company executives sort of chuckled. But here's the funny part, this summer showed the ill effects from climate change might have already started. I always thought 'Global Weirding' was more appropriate term than 'Global Warming' because the changing environment was going to cause a lot of weird things to happen and our weather is starting to get wierd. Compare the predictions with what's actually been happening:
1.The interior of the US will become very hot and very dry - See Texas having over 100 days without rain and record high tempratures this Summer causing even camels in the Dallas Zoo to say 'fuck it's hot!'. And this part of much larger pattern of dry summers for Southwest over past few years.
2.There will be unbalanced distribution of rainfall across the US as some areas get drier, others get wetter - See New Jersey having over 30 inches of rain in August alone, when our yearly average is...42. At this rate a rainforest will sprouting up in our backyard and Newark will become the new Seattle
3.There will be more frequent and deadlier storms accross the country - See the tornadoes in Joplin, Missouri and Tuscaloosa, Alabama
4.The warming Ocean temprature will cause more frequent hurricanes - See Northeast US. One of the complaints about the Maryland, Delaware, and Jersey shores was the cold water did not make for good swimming. But it also served as a saving grace against hurricanes since they need warm tropical water to thrive and most stalled out by the Carolinas. Enter Irene who essentially fired a shot accross the region's bow. I have a feeling we'll be seeing more of these.
5.The Arctic Ocean will be ice free in summer by 2030 - See Russia and Exxon aggreeing to mineral rights and oil exploration in the Arctic Ocean since ice free Ocean waters tend to be convienant time to build oil rigs. Santa may need a houseboat instead of a Ginger Bread house.
Though the Biggest Agent for Change in Environmental Friendly Policies May Not Be Al Gore - Instead it will be the insurance industry. Claims from storm damage in the US have quadruppled since 1980. Which means premiums we pay on our home owners insurance have probably doubled whatever the size of that quadruple amount was. To the point now living in Florida is almost unaffordable and trailor parks in the Midwest might as well move underground.
Dick Cheney Wrote A Book To Apologize For Everything - Just kidding. Actually the Dark Sith Overlord and former shadow President Dearth Cheney (that's right I said it) essentially boiled it down to 'I did my way and if you don't like it then Go Fuck Yourself!.
Donald Rumsfeld Wrote a Book and Admitted He Screwed Up In Iraq - HA Just kidding Again! The memoir of former Defense secretary and all-around Mr.Warmth essentially said Iraq was everyone else's fault while throwing former Secretaries of State Colin Powell and Condeleeza Rice under the bus, then backing it up for good measure. This is sort of what a circular firing squad looks like.
How Empires Fall - Who knew that a 13 year-old murder victim in Britain could bring down the modern day version of Randolph Hearst? News Corp. CEO and Founder Lord Voldemort aka Rupert Murdoch is watching his media empire crumble after it revealed reporters from one his newspaper hacked into the phone of Sarah Payne and listen to messages for exclusives. When they erased messages to get more scoops it gave false hope to the family and police and potentially distracted them from finding the real killer.
And apparently this was standard practice throughout the UK as News Corp. reporters hacked the Royal Family, celebrities, soldiers killed in Afghanistan, Families of Victims of 7/7 London bombings, Across the pond here, News Corp. is being investigated by the FBI whether they hacked families of 9/11 victims. If this is proves true you may see the shitstorm of the Century and Murdoch's prized American media asset of Fox News will need a lot of umbrellas.
Quite possibly the greatest Out of Office message. EVER - Finally, Since Summer is the season of vacations, which means at offices everywhere it is the season of Out of Office notices. I present the greatest:
I am currently out of the office on vacation.
I know I’m supposed to say that I’ll have limited access to email and won’t be able to respond until I return — but that’s not true. My blackberry will be with me and I can respond if I need to. And I recognize that I’ll probably need to interrupt my vacation from time to time to deal with something urgent.
That said, I promised my wife that I am going to try to disconnect, get away and enjoy our vacation as much as possible. So, I’m going to experiment with something new. I’m going to leave the decision in your hands:
■If your email truly is urgent and you need a response while I’m on vacation, please resend it to interruptyourvacation@[redacted].com and I’ll try to respond to it promptly.
■If you think someone else at [the company] might be able to help you, feel free to email my assistant, and she’ll try to point you in the right direction.
· Otherwise, I’ll respond when I return…
Warm regards,
Josh
.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Wherein I attempt writing those GEICO Car Insurance 'Rhetorical Question' Commercials....
Disclaimer: This is no way a paid endorsement of GEICO insurance but rather a test if I can be funnier than their million dollar marketing team. Frankly if their lawyers read this I'll probably get slapped with a cease and desist letter so enjoy while you can!
When reading imagine Geico's commercials where the overly serious, hard-boiled spokesman with the raspy voice says his trademark line then turning toward the camera asks about some absurd rhetorical question followed by a comic segment depicting the answer to that question. Now here just visually plug in each scenario below after the trademark question....
'Could switching to GEICO really save you 15 percent or more on car insurance?.......
1)...Do members of N'SYNC have trouble getting phone calls returned by Justin Timberlake?'
(Scene: Lance Bass in kitchen on phone calling for Timberlake but can never seem to get past his Assistant)
Lance Bass: Tell JT It's Lance Bass...we were in N'SYNC together...what do you mean he's busy for the next 15 years...Well tell him we're getting boys together for a reunion tour....Well alright I guess I'll stay on hold...NO not Lance Armstrong...Lance Bass...(click, dial tone) ..Hello?...Hello?
2)...Would winning a bar fight with an Octopus be a difficult proposition?'
(Scene: Dive bar by a shipping harbor with drunken longshoreman sitting next to a large, grumpy looking Octopus smoking a pipe)
Shoreman: What the hell are you looking at slimebag?
(Octopus grabs Shoreman's hat with tentacle #1 and lifts it over his head playing keep away)
Shoreman: Hey you pile of blob, give me that
(Octopus proceeds to slap shoreman with tentacle #2...then tentacle #5...then tentacle #3..then tentacle #7...)
Shoreman: Fight like a man you spineless mullosc!
(Octopus lifts shoreman with two tentacles and throws him threw a window followed by a splash denoting he has fallen into the water)
3)...Is Mariah Carey's therapist underpaid?'
(Scene: Therapist's Office with Carey holding her little dog on couch while therapist sits in chair looking absolutely miserable)
Carey: I just don't how little Cindy Loo-Loo here just can't get along Fuzzy-Duck Mo-Mo. Reminds me of the time we went to hidden unicorn valley on Candycane mountain and you (pointing to the dog) Loo-Loo got all mad with Patty Prissypants....
(Pan camera to therapist sneaking a sip of presumably whiskey from a flask and putting his head in his hands)
4)...Was anyone really surprised Ricky Martin was gay?'
(Scene: Ricky Martin and his agent in outdoor cafe in Miami's South Beach)
Ricky: Tommy I have a secret...I'm gay
Agent: Really? (facial expression belying feigned shock)
Ricky: Wow! Are you surprised? I must have hid it pretty well, huh?
Agent: No, not really (facial expression disappears) Helen Keller could tell you were gay. I mean if this table is Gaydar, you are dead ahead at 12 o'clock.
5)...Would Dane Cook getting punched in the nuts be the funniest thing he'd ever done'
(Scene: Cook on stage telling some long-winded, supposedly amusing story about his life)
Cook: So I tell the McDonald's cashier what you mean can't I have breakfast past 10? Then I say well it's 10:02 and haven't you ever heard of the customer is always right..wait it gets better..
(Ghost of George Carlin appears and punches Cook square in family jewels. Pan out to Cook writhing in pain on stage as crowd gives loud uproar and standing ovation)
6)...Would calling a little person a midget get you a kick in the shins?'
(Scene: On city street in generic city with grown man climbing on top of car holding his presumably injured leg while trying to keep away from angry little person yelling at him)
Little Person: You wanna know where the Yellow Brick Road begins!? It starts with my foot mother(bleeper)...and you can follow it as it kicks your ass! C'mon big man I'll even show you where the Keebler elves reside. (picks up metal pipe and starts breaking the car windows...Police sirens in background)
7)...Does Kanye West have a God complex?'
(Scene: Interview in non-descript hotel room as part of some publicity tour)
West: You know growing up I thought I was the Son of God since all my rhymes are divinely inspired for the betterment of mankind. But then my Sunday school teacher broke the news..'Kanye, the Bible already tells us God already sent his only Son to save humanity...and he wasn't you!'
(Interviewer tries to get a word in but fails)
West: After getting thrown out of class for calling Father a (bleep)sucker I fell into a funk you know because this Jesus fellow stole my thunder. And everybody was all like 'Jesus this, Jesus that'. But let me ask you, how many hits has Jesus ever had...
(Interviewer tries to answer)
West: Zero. He turned water to wine but has he ever turned water into Cristal?
8)...Does passing gas then blaming it on invisible animals only work for so long with kids?'
(Scene: Living Room of typical Suburban home with Dad reading newspaper in Laz-Boy and two 9 year-olds, a boy and girl are playing video games)
Dad: (loud fart sound)
Girl: Dad!..That's Gross!
Dad: It wasn't me...it was that tiny pink Zebra under the end table. He's invisible because you can't see him (looks condescendingly back at paper with smirk)
Girl: Oh so maybe it was also an invisible giraffe that always tries on Mom's lipstick
Boy (laughing): Yeah and maybe it was that invisible Rhino that got all dressed up as a woman and went to hang out at the truck stop by the Interstate calling herself Rhonda
Dad: I don't know (looking increasingly embarrassed, sinking in chair, hiding behind paper)
(Girl turns up iPod to Aerosmith's 'Dude, Looks like a Lady' as both kids point and laugh)
When reading imagine Geico's commercials where the overly serious, hard-boiled spokesman with the raspy voice says his trademark line then turning toward the camera asks about some absurd rhetorical question followed by a comic segment depicting the answer to that question. Now here just visually plug in each scenario below after the trademark question....
'Could switching to GEICO really save you 15 percent or more on car insurance?.......
1)...Do members of N'SYNC have trouble getting phone calls returned by Justin Timberlake?'
(Scene: Lance Bass in kitchen on phone calling for Timberlake but can never seem to get past his Assistant)
Lance Bass: Tell JT It's Lance Bass...we were in N'SYNC together...what do you mean he's busy for the next 15 years...Well tell him we're getting boys together for a reunion tour....Well alright I guess I'll stay on hold...NO not Lance Armstrong...Lance Bass...(click, dial tone) ..Hello?...Hello?
2)...Would winning a bar fight with an Octopus be a difficult proposition?'
(Scene: Dive bar by a shipping harbor with drunken longshoreman sitting next to a large, grumpy looking Octopus smoking a pipe)
Shoreman: What the hell are you looking at slimebag?
(Octopus grabs Shoreman's hat with tentacle #1 and lifts it over his head playing keep away)
Shoreman: Hey you pile of blob, give me that
(Octopus proceeds to slap shoreman with tentacle #2...then tentacle #5...then tentacle #3..then tentacle #7...)
Shoreman: Fight like a man you spineless mullosc!
(Octopus lifts shoreman with two tentacles and throws him threw a window followed by a splash denoting he has fallen into the water)
3)...Is Mariah Carey's therapist underpaid?'
(Scene: Therapist's Office with Carey holding her little dog on couch while therapist sits in chair looking absolutely miserable)
Carey: I just don't how little Cindy Loo-Loo here just can't get along Fuzzy-Duck Mo-Mo. Reminds me of the time we went to hidden unicorn valley on Candycane mountain and you (pointing to the dog) Loo-Loo got all mad with Patty Prissypants....
(Pan camera to therapist sneaking a sip of presumably whiskey from a flask and putting his head in his hands)
4)...Was anyone really surprised Ricky Martin was gay?'
(Scene: Ricky Martin and his agent in outdoor cafe in Miami's South Beach)
Ricky: Tommy I have a secret...I'm gay
Agent: Really? (facial expression belying feigned shock)
Ricky: Wow! Are you surprised? I must have hid it pretty well, huh?
Agent: No, not really (facial expression disappears) Helen Keller could tell you were gay. I mean if this table is Gaydar, you are dead ahead at 12 o'clock.
5)...Would Dane Cook getting punched in the nuts be the funniest thing he'd ever done'
(Scene: Cook on stage telling some long-winded, supposedly amusing story about his life)
Cook: So I tell the McDonald's cashier what you mean can't I have breakfast past 10? Then I say well it's 10:02 and haven't you ever heard of the customer is always right..wait it gets better..
(Ghost of George Carlin appears and punches Cook square in family jewels. Pan out to Cook writhing in pain on stage as crowd gives loud uproar and standing ovation)
6)...Would calling a little person a midget get you a kick in the shins?'
(Scene: On city street in generic city with grown man climbing on top of car holding his presumably injured leg while trying to keep away from angry little person yelling at him)
Little Person: You wanna know where the Yellow Brick Road begins!? It starts with my foot mother(bleeper)...and you can follow it as it kicks your ass! C'mon big man I'll even show you where the Keebler elves reside. (picks up metal pipe and starts breaking the car windows...Police sirens in background)
7)...Does Kanye West have a God complex?'
(Scene: Interview in non-descript hotel room as part of some publicity tour)
West: You know growing up I thought I was the Son of God since all my rhymes are divinely inspired for the betterment of mankind. But then my Sunday school teacher broke the news..'Kanye, the Bible already tells us God already sent his only Son to save humanity...and he wasn't you!'
(Interviewer tries to get a word in but fails)
West: After getting thrown out of class for calling Father a (bleep)sucker I fell into a funk you know because this Jesus fellow stole my thunder. And everybody was all like 'Jesus this, Jesus that'. But let me ask you, how many hits has Jesus ever had...
(Interviewer tries to answer)
West: Zero. He turned water to wine but has he ever turned water into Cristal?
8)...Does passing gas then blaming it on invisible animals only work for so long with kids?'
(Scene: Living Room of typical Suburban home with Dad reading newspaper in Laz-Boy and two 9 year-olds, a boy and girl are playing video games)
Dad: (loud fart sound)
Girl: Dad!..That's Gross!
Dad: It wasn't me...it was that tiny pink Zebra under the end table. He's invisible because you can't see him (looks condescendingly back at paper with smirk)
Girl: Oh so maybe it was also an invisible giraffe that always tries on Mom's lipstick
Boy (laughing): Yeah and maybe it was that invisible Rhino that got all dressed up as a woman and went to hang out at the truck stop by the Interstate calling herself Rhonda
Dad: I don't know (looking increasingly embarrassed, sinking in chair, hiding behind paper)
(Girl turns up iPod to Aerosmith's 'Dude, Looks like a Lady' as both kids point and laugh)
Saturday, July 23, 2011
How Much Of An A**hole Are You? A Fun Quiz : )
Since my work computer was being serviced all day by IT decided to make one of those quizzes we could actually use. For the following 12 questions answer Yes or No then add up all Yes responses to determine how much of an a**hole are you:
1. After Japan defeated the US to win the Women's World Cup, did you go on Chat forums and taunt their fans 'Yeah, but we got 2 World Cups and a World War...SCOREBOARD!'
2.Upon hearing Lamar Odom was involved in a car crash resulting in the fatality of a teenager, was your first thought 'Well, police can certainly rule out Lamar being distracted by Khloe Kardashian explaining nuclear physics'?
3.Think back in grade school while you were on a regular school bus and the short bus pulled alongside. There was always that one kid who noticed that A) kids on the short bus looked a little different and B) proceeded to make fun of those kids. Were you that kid?
4.Do a lot of your jokes start out with 'I'm not a racist but...' after looking around cautiously?
5.When Gary Coleman passed away, within 24 hours were you one of those people forwarding dead midget jokes via e-mail? (ie. They say death comes in 3's but Coleman's came in 2.5's)
6. Remember back to a commercial involving Med Alert in the late 80's and a certain iconic scene where an elderly woman on the floor screams 'I'VE FALLEN....AND I CAN'T GET UP!' Did that scene make you laugh? (Add 2 points if in general elderly ladies falling down is humorous to you)
7.Upon seeing Kidnap victim Jaycee Dugard interviewed after her 18 year ordeal, did she register high on your 'Inappropriate Hotness' scale leading you to mention that she's doable while at the Happy Hour with your co-workers?
8.Did you become a New York Yankees fan after 1996 or a Pittsburgh Steelers fan after 2005?
9.When someone shows you baby pictures of kid who's not so cute and her Mom asks if you think she's a pretty baby, did you ever reply 'Not really' (Add 2 points if you replied 'Now I know why Lions eat their young')
10.When walking through a big city and notice a Homeless person panhandling. Have you ever pretended to dig through your pockets to pull out some change only show an empty hand as a gag?
11. At a dinner party, the hostess mentions she's collecting donations for The Special Olympics. Do you attempt to make conversation by mentioning 'I really don't see what's so special about it since anyone can do those events?'
12. Read the following joke from comedian Louis CK then answer as to whether you were able to laugh without the slightest feeling of discomfort or guilt:
'My measure of a person's decency is how long they stopped masturbating after 9/11. For me it as after first tower fell but before the second one did'
Now add up all your Yes answers then check your score:
0 - You are a regular Mother Theresa loved by all living things, especially small children and furry animals
1 through 3: You are Christian Bale, an otherwise decent person but prone to occasional fits of assholishness. Usually your inner sphincter only comes as an angry response to other people like his infamous tirade on the set Terminator or as he would say 'OHHH Good for You!'
4 through 6: You are a Duke University graduate who tends to be a jerk-off by nature but like brilliant sociopaths can be charming when they have to be.
7 through 9: You are Labron James, a adolescent man-child whose assholishness is a unintentional consequence of having every need pandered to by others. He didn't mean to offend Cleveland with 'The Decision' as he was just unaware of other people's feelings. Or completely unaware other people existed period.
10 Or More: You are Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd C. Blankfein and do not feel constrained to the rules and subtleties of human interaction. You don't need to observe the nicety's or civility normally required to gain favor or status in a social setting. Because you're Lloyd (bleepin) Blankfein and therefore don't have to. Exemplified last year at a Congressional Hearing when asked if he wanted to apologize for his company's role in blowing up the economy in 2008, he replied 'No. Not Particularly'. Judaism calls refers to this as Chutzpah or if you are Michele Bachmann it's called Choot-spa.
1. After Japan defeated the US to win the Women's World Cup, did you go on Chat forums and taunt their fans 'Yeah, but we got 2 World Cups and a World War...SCOREBOARD!'
2.Upon hearing Lamar Odom was involved in a car crash resulting in the fatality of a teenager, was your first thought 'Well, police can certainly rule out Lamar being distracted by Khloe Kardashian explaining nuclear physics'?
3.Think back in grade school while you were on a regular school bus and the short bus pulled alongside. There was always that one kid who noticed that A) kids on the short bus looked a little different and B) proceeded to make fun of those kids. Were you that kid?
4.Do a lot of your jokes start out with 'I'm not a racist but...' after looking around cautiously?
5.When Gary Coleman passed away, within 24 hours were you one of those people forwarding dead midget jokes via e-mail? (ie. They say death comes in 3's but Coleman's came in 2.5's)
6. Remember back to a commercial involving Med Alert in the late 80's and a certain iconic scene where an elderly woman on the floor screams 'I'VE FALLEN....AND I CAN'T GET UP!' Did that scene make you laugh? (Add 2 points if in general elderly ladies falling down is humorous to you)
7.Upon seeing Kidnap victim Jaycee Dugard interviewed after her 18 year ordeal, did she register high on your 'Inappropriate Hotness' scale leading you to mention that she's doable while at the Happy Hour with your co-workers?
8.Did you become a New York Yankees fan after 1996 or a Pittsburgh Steelers fan after 2005?
9.When someone shows you baby pictures of kid who's not so cute and her Mom asks if you think she's a pretty baby, did you ever reply 'Not really' (Add 2 points if you replied 'Now I know why Lions eat their young')
10.When walking through a big city and notice a Homeless person panhandling. Have you ever pretended to dig through your pockets to pull out some change only show an empty hand as a gag?
11. At a dinner party, the hostess mentions she's collecting donations for The Special Olympics. Do you attempt to make conversation by mentioning 'I really don't see what's so special about it since anyone can do those events?'
12. Read the following joke from comedian Louis CK then answer as to whether you were able to laugh without the slightest feeling of discomfort or guilt:
'My measure of a person's decency is how long they stopped masturbating after 9/11. For me it as after first tower fell but before the second one did'
Now add up all your Yes answers then check your score:
0 - You are a regular Mother Theresa loved by all living things, especially small children and furry animals
1 through 3: You are Christian Bale, an otherwise decent person but prone to occasional fits of assholishness. Usually your inner sphincter only comes as an angry response to other people like his infamous tirade on the set Terminator or as he would say 'OHHH Good for You!'
4 through 6: You are a Duke University graduate who tends to be a jerk-off by nature but like brilliant sociopaths can be charming when they have to be.
7 through 9: You are Labron James, a adolescent man-child whose assholishness is a unintentional consequence of having every need pandered to by others. He didn't mean to offend Cleveland with 'The Decision' as he was just unaware of other people's feelings. Or completely unaware other people existed period.
10 Or More: You are Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd C. Blankfein and do not feel constrained to the rules and subtleties of human interaction. You don't need to observe the nicety's or civility normally required to gain favor or status in a social setting. Because you're Lloyd (bleepin) Blankfein and therefore don't have to. Exemplified last year at a Congressional Hearing when asked if he wanted to apologize for his company's role in blowing up the economy in 2008, he replied 'No. Not Particularly'. Judaism calls refers to this as Chutzpah or if you are Michele Bachmann it's called Choot-spa.
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