How a 1950's Horror Movie Explains Our Healthcare Crisis (And Why the Supreme Court Just Made The Right Decision) PART 2

Part 2

8. So how did we get to this point? -

Well Teddy Roosevelt wanted to start National Health Insurance program running for a third term in the Progressive Bull Moose Party....but the 1912 elections got in the way (he lost)

Later Franklin D. Roosevelt wanted to try something similar as part of his New Deal......but World War II got in the way

Then President Richard Nixon and Sen.Edward Kennedy had an idea to create something similar to Obama's plan in 1972....but two scandals (Nixon's Watergate and Kennedy's Chappaquiddick) got in the way

Then Hillary Clinton offered up a plan for universal health coverage....but William Kristol got in the way. Who?

 

Next time the health system fails you. You can thank him

Legend has it as a compromise to Hillarycare, President Bill Clinton and Republican Senate Minority Leader Bob Dole would craft legislation involving much of the same things in today's health care reform. Bill Kristol was the chief Republican strategist who advised then Sen. Dole they could score political points and win the 1994 election by demonizing the health care reform instead of cooperating on a bi-partisan solution.

Dole listened to Kristol, the health care reform failed, the Republicans won the 1994 election. But it also brought us to where we are today where Republicans and the Billionaire Conservative sugar daddies who bankroll them placing value on short-term political victories over the long-term public good. An old adage states politics is about winning the day but governance is about winning the future. Thanks to people like Bill Kristol and Karl Rove, the hyperfocus on politics along with the cynicism and shortsightedness that it breeds have allowed the Healthcare Blob to grow to epic proportions where the free market may not be able to solve the problem by itself anymore.

The irony is what Obama proposed was essentially a Republican idea born out of a conservative think-tank called The Heritage Foundation. The concept of an Individual Mandate was that we are responsible for own health care costs, but the creation of a health insurance exchange could help people without employer based coverage find affordable health insurance and make sure everyone had medical coverage. The reason conservatives liked this idea was because it preserved private, free enterprise system of healthcare while providing a social safety net without the need for universal health care. It's what Mitt 'Any Which Way the Wind Blows' Romney instituted in Massachusetts as Governor, you know when he championed healthcare reform before he was against it. Or was he against it first, then for it when convenient as Governor, now back against it? With him who the hell knows.

9. So without Obamacare how would this movie end? One ending is the worst case scenario -

The Gen'Xers and Y'ers and Millenials and any other 'ers who come after would like to help sustain Medicare through our payroll taxes. But since the 2008 economic crash (brought on by Boomers) sort of destroyed the concept that getting good education begets getting a good job at this rate the medical costs of the old won't be able to be paid for by the young thus starting a vicious chain reaction..... 

When health care costs escalate to where employers both big and small decide the costs of paying health insurance aren't worth the tax deductions providing employees health insurance. Note I mentioned in #2 health insurance comprises 16% of total employee costs. The magic number or tipping point for this to occur is estimated by Economists at 30%. So they turn 'employees' into 'contractors' where legally they don't have provide benefits...

And workers are left without employer coverage face huge Individual health insurance premiums that are more expensive than a mortgage....

And workers then have to spend all their money on expensive Individual health insurance premiums instead of consumer items....

And because nobody buys anything that causes economy to tank and Wall Street turns into claptrap....

And the banksters and baron robbers in the 1% who spearheaded the Obamacare takedown in Supreme Court in the first place to start losing all their wealth too.

10. The other alternate ending: Within 20 years the United States institutes Medicare For All -

I said earlier conservatives would be thankful Obamacare was upheld and here's why. In talking to my Public Health professor for my graduate classes, what Obama's plan represented was really a last ditch effort to save the private insurance industry from the Healthcare Blob. Previously things like Health Maintenance Organizations, Managed Care, Evidenced Based Care, Patient Centered Homes, Wellness Incentives, etc. and all the other industry buzz words and initiatives have failed to halt the advance of escalating health care costs.

The goal of Obamacare was to bend the medical cost curve downward causing the Healthcare Blob to retreat and eventually get it down to a manageable size. All the while preserving a free enterprise, capitalistic health system which frees up revenue for private employers to invest in jobs instead of health insurance. And the tax revenues from those jobs could be freed from paying rising Medicare costs for public investment on things like schools, and infrastructure. The kind of public investment that mark a civilized, modern, advanced society.

Regardless of rich or poor, young or old, Democrat or Republican, Tea Party or Occupy Wall Street, White or Bluecollar, 1% or 99%. All of us are at risk of being eaten by the 'The Healthcare Blob'. While the Obama plan wasn't perfect, it's a start. Republicans have the opportunity to either part of the solution or be part of the problem by continuing to be an obstacle on the path to health care reform. Eventually relief from high medical costs will become a bi-partisan demand. The latest Gallup poll shows only 17% of Americans think our current healthcare system is fine, the vast majority 83% believe healthcare reform is needed even among majority of Republicans who do not like Obama's plan.

Thus if Obamacare had been struck down and the healthcare blob had been allowed to progress down its destructive path. The likely scenario is the overwhelming public demand would eventually bring about a Medicare For All system of universal healthcare becoming law. And the conservatives who would have been popping open the champagne today over Obamacare's defeat would have inadvertently brought about the one thing they feared most: Socialized medicine in America.

How a 1950's Horror Movie Explains Our Healthcare Crisis (And Why the Supreme Court Just Made The Right Decision) PART 1

Disclaimer: I work as a Senior Public Health Policy Analyst at a large Health Insurance company in the Philadelphia area studying the exact problems Healthcare Reform tried to solve. But rather than bore you with dry statistics and mind numbing analysis, I'll use a 1950's horror movie explain our health care crisis. And why The Supreme Court made the right call. (And why conservatives who opposed it will be glad in 20 years)

Part 1

In the 1958 movie 'The Blob' starring Steve McQueen, a meteorite crashes outside a small, rural Pennsylvania town. When a local farmer checks it out the rock opens to reveal a bio-mass blob that looks like jello but quickly proceeds to eat the farmer, and the hospital he was taken to, and the town the hospital resides in, and anyone too slow to run away from slow moving mass of Cranberry sauce (not exactly great special effects back then). The blob essentially gets bigger as it devours everything in its path growing larger and larger until virtually unstoppable. Film buffs note the movie's symbolism had shades of the Cold War with blob representing communism devouring freedom loving America.

Not exactly high end effects back then

However in today's context The Blob can explain the healthcare crisis as it slowly devours America's economy, people, and way of life:

1. What The Is Healthcare Blob and where did it come from - Globally there is a spectrum of two kinds of healthcare systems. On one end is universal health care (or single payer health care) in Canada, UK, Japan, and most of the Industrialized World where health care is free of charge and available to any citizen. The caveat being high taxes are needed to pay for 'free' health care system that everybody uses. On the other end is the US and most of the Developing World where no health insurance is guaranteed and people must get insurance on their own unless poor (Medicaid) or old (Medicare). The caveat being people have lower taxes and freedom to choose health care systems, but get sick without it and you are U-P-S-H-I-T-C-R-E-E-K-W-I-T-H-O-U-T-A-PA-D-D-L-E.

The American healthcare blob is comprised of two things, 1) Escalating healthcare costs due to us becoming unhealthier, living longer, and new technologies that save lives but cost a fortune and 2) 50+ million uninsured who when sick and use health care probably can't pay for it which also drives up the costs. President Obama's plan tried to focus on the latter in hopes it would bring down the former.

2. It's eating our jobs - Here in the US most health insurance is provided by employers because back in World War II when price controls were in place employers could not offer prospective employees higher wages but could offer benefits like health insurance. They also get tax breaks for providing health care to employees. Back in 1958 this was win-win for both employer and employee since health care costs only accounted for 2% of an employees cost to an employer. In 1985 it grew to 9% to where today its 17% of a worker's cost is tied up to their health benefits due to the escalating cost of medical care and is the main reason job growth in our country has slowed down. This also why outsourcing jobs overseas to places like Asia and Latin America are so attractive, employers don't have to pay for health care and in some cases don't have pay employees at all.(I'm looking at you Apple and Nike)

3. It's eating our paychecks - Next time you get a raise from your work try this exercise. Compare the raise in your salary to the increase in your health insurance premium. I will bet money that whatever raise you got in pay was negated by the increase in your health coverage. Generally the rate of inflation in the US is 3% for most consumer goods. As long as worker's annual salary increases stay ahead of inflation, their net income should grow. But health care costs increase 7% each year, and if you have private insurance guess where they pass those increased costs? To you the member. Add in publicly traded health insurance companies where the shareholders have have to get paid first and profits are wrung out by raising premiums, not lowering costs. So 3% increase income - 7% increase in health care = Disappearing Middle Class.

 

USA is #1: in escalating health costs per year Source: OECD

4. It's eating our economy - Health care expenses comprise 15% of America's GDP meaning $1 out of every $6 spent in this country goes toward medical costs. Conservatives have longed poo-pooed universal healthcare saying individuals should not pay for someone's else health costs. But here's the irony, everyday we pay for someone else's healthcare. Built into the price of every consumer product sold in America is a manufacturer's healthcare costs. Buy a new Honda and 18% of the car's price is to pay for Honda employee's healthcare. Buy a coffee from Starbucks and 18% of that Grande, Choca, Latte whatever is the Starbucks employee health care costs. So how can companies lower that 18% to stay competitive and offer a lower price? By laying off employees (and the burden of their healthcare) and shipping jobs overseas.

 

We spend more money but get far less out of our health care system. Source PBS

5. It's Eating Our Uninsured - If you have insurance, next time you get a bill from your doctor, call them up and ask how much of the bill is from 'the uninsured tax'. They'll look at you the way Martin Scorsese looks at Lindsay Lohan when she asks to be his next leading actress. You won't find on any itemized medical bill nor will any health provider ever admit to it but tacked onto the price of any medical service is the cost of uninsured patients who could not pay. So to recoup costs they append it spread out of course to anyone with private health insurance.

 

Rate of uninsured from 1987 to 2008 Source: Census

Classic example: I once needed a head CT scan once for my cleft palate surgery but my health insurance (also my employer, let that irony sink in for a moment) would not pay. So the billing lady says normally they charge $1,500 to the insurance but if I pay cash out of pocket its only $150. Think about it for a second. If the actual CT only costs $150, why would you charge insurance $1,500 (a 1000% markup)? Answer: the uninsured who could not pay for CT services rendered.

Now the uninsured fall into two general classes. First are the working poor, too rich to get Gov't assistance but stuck in a job with no health insurance or underemployed. These are the people who the State Healthcare Exchanges were intended to help by providing affordable insurance plans to individuals who need them. Premiums would be subsidized by financial need and in exchange for all the new guaranteed business, health insurance companies could not deny coverage to people with pre-existing conditions.

Second, are the functionally stupid who have means and opportunity to pay for employer based health insurance but don't because they think they are young and invincible thus will never get sick and won't need insurance. These are the groups of people the Individual Mandate intended as an encouragement to take up employer offered health insurance or pay a $2,500 tax at the end of the year.

The functionally stupid are people like that hotshot motorcyclist going 120 mph down the freeway weaving in and out of traffic like an asshole. Then they flip their ride sustaining severe injuries, but with no insurance, and no ability to pay for that CT scan of his busted face. So the hospital bills his CT scan..to mine...and yours...and anyone with insurance to pay for that $1,500 CT scan.  

6. It's eating our young - In demography, a universal indicator of public health is the Infant Mortality Rate (# Infant Deaths per 1,000 live births). In countries with excellent health care, the IMR should be less than 4 out of 1,000. So where does US rank? 43rd with a IMR of 6.81 (Singapore the lowest at 1.92). Add in indicators for child health such as nutrition, obesity, and preventable diseases we rank last among Industrialized countries. So how can it be that despite having the most technically advanced healthcare system in the World, we trail Cuba in infant mortality? Unequal access to healthcare caused by unequal availability of health insurance coverage. Obamacare will now be able to fix it.

 

In a country with abundant resources, why is this happening? Source: WHO

7. And if left unchecked The Blob will completely devour our current healthcare system as we know it - Think of America's age distribution like a Python with young forming the head and tail being the old who die off. Now picture a Python that just ate a large pig where there's a giant bump in the middle. That's caused by Baby Boomers between the ages of 45 and 65 and its a ticking time bomb to our healthcare system. At every stage of their life cycle Baby Boomers consumed everything, and left nothing for later generations like affordable higher education, jobs, the concept of retirement, etc.

 

The bulge in the middle = DOOM Source: Census

And now this gluttonous horde of narcissistic, whining, self-aggrandizing ass wipes are about to reach retirement age. Oh joy. The people who destroyed the American dream are about to lay waste to our healthcare system. (Full Disclosure: If you're a Boomer reading this and find this offensive. Good!  Because I'm a Gen X'er and everytime I open my retirement statement or look at my falling home value, my hatred for you grows throughout every fiber of my Nirvana listening body).

Good luck getting a doctor's appointment in 20 years, or quickly getting a elective health procedure in a hospital without waiting for the steady march of walkers, wheelchairs, and canes to go by ahead of you. Also if you're expecting an inheritance from a Baby Boomer, forget it because over the long term health care costs will eventually erode those away as well.

Though I advise purchasing stocks in private hospitals and long-term care because think of all that profit baby! On second thought don't do that. Because if Boomers can drive up costs for real-estate and education, just wait til they get to drive up everybody's healthcare costs. And it's because of the Baby Boomers that our current healthcare system becomes unsustainable and will eventually collapse. But the Obama health care reform will be a turn in the right direction.

And in Part 2 I will explain how and why the Supreme Court just made the best decision in this country's history

It's Your Completely Unnecessary Guide To the Oscars

By Jason Neal

WARNING: The following has been satirized for your protection

First something of a disclaimer, back in college when I had something called free time and could engage my cinephile hobby. I would have seen every movie and performance on this list and could have given you complete breakdown of each category. But alas adult responsibility came along now I'm limited to occasional Netflix and anything playing on basic cable. So in full disclosure I really haven't many of the nominees, BUT that's OK. Because I suspect many of the actual Oscar voters have not either and at least I have the integrity to admit it. 

The likelihood of winning is measured in 'Jack' units or how many Jack Daniels drinks would you would need to get the swagger of Jack Nicholson before appearing on stage ranging from 0 representing just Happy To be there, to 4 meaning grab your sunglasses, smirk, and the thank you list cause your headed to the podium! The 'Jack' units will appear in the ( ) along side nominee and each category ranked most to least likely.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Berenice Bejo, The Artist (3.5)

Octavia Spencer, The Help (3)

Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs (2)

Jessica Chastain, The Help (1)

Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids (1)

Personally I would give it to McCarthy but since Oscar voters have zero sense of humor so rule her out. Jessica Chastain's 'chestacular' performance will get her a Mr.Skin.com nod but sadly not here. Janet McTeer got overshadowed by Glenn Close. So we're left with Spencer and Bejo. Best Supporting Actress tends to favor the breakout role and Spencer would have had it locked had it not been for the late surge of The Artist so the Oscar goes to Bejo.

FUN OSCAR FACT #1: If you want to watch an actor squirm, find one whose career happened only because they are the child of some other famous actor, and ask this question: 'So Kate Hudson (or insert your own actress) now really tell us....assuming you weren't Goldie Hawn's daughter (or insert famous parent)...which of the following would you be doing.... working at a Wal-Mart or Denny's?'

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Christopher Plummer, Beginners (4)

Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn (3)

Johan Hill, Moneyball (3)

Nick Nolte, Warrior (2)

Max von Sydow, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (1)

Now personally my vote would to go von Sydow to make up for the Oscar snub two decades ago with the classic beer comedy Strange Brew. Nolte is out because frankly the Academy is afraid of what a acceptance speech on LSD laced with Crystal Meth would look like. Branagh is like the Kate Winslet of male actors, great performances but always overshadowed by some one-trick pony. Comes down to Plummer and Hill and since this category always tends to go to older actors as sort of quasi lifetime achievement award, your winner is Plummer.

FUN OSCAR FACT #2: Here's a phrase, you'll never, EVER hear at the Oscars acceptance ceremony: 'Wow thanks but really I'm just some guy playing make believe. Seriously 4 year olds can do this so there's no need for all the hoopla and pageantry. I'm donating this statuette to be melted down so the proceeds from the gold given to starving children in Haiti.'

BEST ACTRESS:

Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn (3.75)

Violet Davis, The Help (3.75)

Glenn Close, Albert Notts (2.5)

Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady (2)

Rooney Mara, Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (0)

Scratch Rooney Mara since watching the rape scene in Dragon Tattoo for voters was probably like sitting through Lindsay Lohan reciting the alphabet in a sobriety checkpoint stop, painful. Glenn Close gave a great gender-bending performance but the film required voters to actually think so she strikes out again. Streep nomination too controversial since Brits take offense to an American playing a Brit better than a Brit playing a Brit, so to avoid an international incident she's out. Leaves photo finish between Davis and Williams which very similar to the choice facing George Clooney whether to have the lobster or the crack crab when dining in the South of France while entertaining some hot, 'model turned actress' girlfriend.

FUN OSCAR FACT #3: On the red carpet, keep your eye out for when someone asks Kristen Stewart 'Why do you keep giving me that awkward look?'

BEST ACTOR:

Gary Oldman, Tinker, Tailor, Solider, Spy (3.5)

Brad Pitt, Moneyball (3)

George Clooney, Descendents and because he's George fucking Clooney

Jean Desjardins, Warrior (0)

Denian Bichiri, Better Life (0)

Best actor usually is all about star power so Desjardins and Bichiri are out at the start. Now Clooney already got a statue for his performance in Gets More Ass than The Driver's Seat of a Rental Car Syriana so probably won't get a second one this year. Moneyball focuses on the Oakland A's who actually never won anything with the moneyball system so neither will Brad Pitt. Thus your winner is Gary Oldman for The Professional urr...Harry Potter urr...The Dark Knight..urr..  Tinker Tailor, something or other. Oldman basically is like the Honey Badger of Hollywood:  'The honey badger is a bad ass. He just takes what we he wants because the honey badger don't care, the honey badger don't give a s...'

FUN OSCAR FACT #4: If Pitt should win, best part of Oscar night will be the camera panning to Jennifer Aniston as she tries to hide the scorn and thinks of her next entry in her 'Burn Book'

BEST PICTURE (ranked from least to most in 'Jack' units):

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Title also describes what its like living with a toddler, but the post 9-11 flick overloads on sentimentality. Though Oscars like sentimentality this movie had enough to give Diabetic insulin shock (0)

Tree of Life - Terrence Malick's spiritual piece undone by the fact no one knows what the hell is going on during the film. (0)

Midnight In Paris - First time in long time Woody Allen appears in category but film only seen by NYU Film students and by the .0000003% of American movie goers who actually think Woody Allen films are funny (1)

The Descendants - Alexander Payne best known as a director who can perfectly balance comedy with emotionally serious material. But it's the comedy part of the equation that rules out Payne..again... since Oscar voters are SOOO serious. (2)

The Help - The first Oscar contender where plot revolves going to the bathroom (2.5)

Moneyball - In real life being a statistician will get you a good job, but in Hollywood it doesn't get you golden prize or the hot chick (2.5)

Hugo - It's sort of like if Martin Scorsese directed a Pixar feature. Oh wait it is like Martin Scorsese directed a Pixar movie (3)

Warhorse - Two months ago I would have said this as the Best Picture, but if you're Steven Spielberg you're getting that queasy feeling that 1999 is about to happen all over again. You know where another war masterpiece Saving Private Ryan got eclipsed by a late surging indie flick Shakespeare In Love thanks to that undeserving hack Gwyneth (BLECCH) Paltrow..because now here comes....(3.5) 

The Artist - A silent movie that goes old school but wins votes because its storyline is based on something extremely rare in Hollywood these days...an original idea. Who knew? (4)

FUN BONUS: Since The Artist is a silent movie, I'm going to do an impression of the average West Virginia moviegoer's reaction to seeing it theaters:

'Hey Thelma Ray! Better move git yer beehind up and talk the manager I think something wrong 'cause the sound aint workin'. And shoot somethin wrong with the color too. It's black and white. And why they all dancin? When they gonna start blowing shit up?'

The Anti-Love Boat, Tim Tebow, and Move Over Las Vegas its Fargo!..North Dakota!

Were Going To Fargo, Baby! ....FARGO! - You may be surprised to learn that North Dakota actually has a Tourism department with the thankless job of trying to entice people to actually come to North Dakota. The dream is to have a plane full of tourists fly into Fargo which doesn't involve a emergency landing on its way to somewhere else. Below is their latest genius promotion. Look at it and let it sink in for a moment:

So let's say you are a strapping young lad with money to burn and wild oats to sow. Why waste your time in Las Vegas, Miami Beach, or New Orleans when you can go to Fargo, eh? Pretty much feel free to write your own caption below but my top favorites:

'And dude you wanted to go to Bismarck (high five)'

'So in No'rleans you throw beads to get chicks topless, so how's that work here?'

'The 4H Hokie Pokie? Were so there man!'

Who Knew...that Eli and not Peyton would be the Manning with the most Super Bowls? - With Giants' latest SB win, Eli has 2 Super Bowl rings to Peyton's 1. And to add insult to injury Eli won both over Peyton's arch-nemesis, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. Anyone else have a feeling Thanksgiving at the Mannings could get interesting when Peyton tries to pull the big brother card?

Who Knew...that Michele Williams and not Katie Holmes would be the breakout actress from Dawson's Creek? - When we first watched Dawson's Creek we always thought that Katie's spaced out , ineffectual performance was just her character. Evidently that was basically upper limit of her acting ability.

In American politics, There Actually Are Some Things Money Can't Buy - This past month on January 18th you may have noticed Wikipedia, along with a host of other social media sites went black for a day to protest SOPA or Stop Online Piracy Act, the latest in a string of really bad ideas to come from the US Congress. Under the law, say you decided to share the latest funny moment from The Office over Facebook (yes, I know The Office jumped the shark long ago, but hypothetically speaking work with me here) In essence the Gov't could order Facebook to shut down your account and you could be fined or face jail time, because you technically stole copyrighted material and pirated it over the Internet.

The more you learn the more the flaws in the law become obviously apparent. Like how could Facebook enforce it? how could Gov't enforce it? how would anyone actually know The Office was still on TV? etc. Which is why public outcry managed to drown out the millions of dollars major entertainment companies lavished on lawmakers to try to enact SOPA. After that blackout day, majority of Congresspeople who supported it quickly backtracked and the law is about as dead as Tori Spelling's career.

In response I'd like to propose for Congress the IDIOT Act. No acronyms, just an act that says lawmakers must actually understand technology before trying to pass laws to regulate it. During the blackout, many congresspeople who sponsored were outed as having violated their proposed law on their own social media pages. Besides I don't know about you but those FBI Warnings they put at front of DVD's put the fear of God into me if I ever thought about pirating the latest crap TV show so why would we need SOPA?

Breaking Health News: Its good to have blood in your fat stream - Paula Deen, the queen of buttah, announced she has Type II Diabetes. Here's where you insert your shocked face that someone could get Diabetes from high fat, greasy, fried cooking. Of course in true American fashion she decided to capitalize on it by teaming up with Pharmaceutical company NovoNordisk to be their celebrity spokesperson for a new line of Insulin products. In business terms it's a WIN-WIN. Paula Deen's fans gets Diabetes from her recipes and then need high priced Insulin products to treat it. For all you Business students this is what they call a revenue stream.

For The Love of God - I'm sure Tim Tebow is a nice guy and his deeply held Christian convictions are sincere. But having grown up in a generation where we watched holier than thou religious leaders proclaim to be living embodiment of Jesus only to fail spectacularly (regardless of whether Evangelicals ever took notice). So it's not I'm rooting for Tebow to fail so much as waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What I teach my kids about faith is that no one is perfect, we will always have moral lapses but that's OK. It's part of the process for gradually becoming a better person because faith is lifelong process of learning about yourself in relation to God. The danger is in thinking and proclaiming that you are perfect and you alone speak for Christ. Because then you are just setting yourself up for failure since God has a way of making fools out of those people (just ask Eugene Robinson or better yet Google 'Eugene Robinson+That Super Christian football player busted for prostitution night before Super Bowl 33+that football player who gave up the game winning TD in Super Bowl 33 presumably because he was distracted from his arrest the night before')....

....Because the only universal absolute I know is this - God does not care about the outcome of football games. Or beauty pageants. Or the Country Music Awards. Or the MTV Music Video awards. Or the winner of American Idol. I'd like to think God has more focus on helping refugees in a war zone reach safety than petty little contests whose outcome is only symbolic in nature. So can we stop thinking Tebow leading the Broncos to an 8-8 record and sneaking into the playoffs was caused by the divine hand of the Almighty. It was the Broncos' defense and special teams, duh!

Karma Really Is A Bitch - According to study in the Journal of Sexual Health from The Univ. of Maryland Medical Center, as many as 50% of penis fractures seen in their ER (A moment for men to reflex in pain) were happened to men while in the act of infidelity (A moment for women to laugh hysterically). Researchers theorize men in the act of cheating may be more under pressure therefore more likely to miss or accidentally hit something hard (well harder than it). Might explain the prolonged absence of Ashton Kutcher from the set of Two And Half Men.

It Was Sort of Like The Titanic...minus the romance, iceberg, or chivarly - When the Italian cruiseliner Costa Concordia got stranded on a sandbar on to the Tuscan coast, it helped ensure that the phrase 'Italian Maritime Safety' will become the hot, new comedic punchline of the year. In engineering theory, major system failures usually do not start from one big mistake but rather from a series of small mistakes that snowball into one big 'We're Sooo F***ed' moment exemplified below:

#1 The ship deliberately went off course so one of the crew members could wave to family onshore.

#2 Being so close to shore, the ship's captain Francesco Schettino should have been manning the bridge but was instead having dinner with a hot Russian passenger presumably in the pursuit of trying to get some.

#3 In American maritime law, cruise ships cannot leave port without conducting a lifeboat drill, just in case that 1 in million chance something goes wrong does come to fruition, crew and passengers know what to do. The Costa Concordia never had such drill because the crew apparently had other more important things to do like trying to score with hot Russian passengers.

#4 Without this instruction, the scene on-board after hitting the sandbar resembled one big Cluster F*** since no one knew where to evacuate safely. The crew having never been properly trained abided by the old maritime tradition of women and children first...it was every man for himself leaving stranded passengers to swim for shore on their own.

#5 Capt.Schettino gallantly stayed on-board til every passenger was safe...actually jumped in the first lifeboat and high-tailed it to shore. Leaving the Italian Coast Guard to have to run rescue procedures on-board.

#6 Someone forgot to put Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On' in the CD player to add the ambiance of the scene.

When politics becomes Cancerous - If you think about it cancer is the ultimate equal opportunist. It does not care if you are rich or poor,  it does not care if you are Liberal or Conservative, it does not care for which race you are or ethnicity you come from, it does not care for gender, geography, age, or religion. It also doesn't care if you have health insurance which is why it was disheartening to see The Susan B. Komen Foundation undo 20 years of goodwill with one bad mistake.

Last week Komen tried cutting off Planned Parenthood with funds to provide breast cancer screenings for low income women, it ultimately was revealed the reason were its Pro-Life Board members did not like that PP provides abortions. Technically as a man I should not care about the abortion debate but this exemplifies why I have such disdain for the Pro-Life movement. They place an almost cult-like stature to the human fetus, and the fact they were willing to sacrifice lives of grown human beings in the name of protecting a fetus regardless of the circumstances surrounding an abortion reveals a distorted pathology.

Now being Pro-Choice, I consider it sad when abortion occurs since so many couples who desperately want a child and can't have one would gladly adopt one. But every situation different so who can really judge except a woman and her doctor. A logical solution to reducing abortion seems to me is to reduce unwanted pregnancies but that's where the Pro-Life folks get really weird. They also tend to be anti-contraception and anti-sex education, which for me explains what they are really about. The Pro-Life movement has never been comfortable with women taking control of their sexuality and reproduction which makes Planned Parenthood for them the ultimate evil. Never mind only 3% of PP involve abortion with rest focused on giving uninsured women access to reproductive health care.

Oh And One Other Thing About Komen... - College students taking Public Relations 101 in the future will study from the Komen-Planned Parenthood fiasco that bad PR can grow exponentially in the age of the internet. Tax returns showed that Komen annually only gave 25% of its charitable proceeds to actual research in combating breast cancer with rest going to Administrative and Marketing costs. Really?

I'm not a non-profit guru but seems like that number should be reversed. Every October I gave money to Komen and wore pink to show support because with a wife and two daughters breast cancer may one day affect me. But if only a quarter of every dollar is going towards fighting breast cancer then why am I donating? Komen says the marketing portion was about raising awareness but breasts tend to raise awareness all by themselves, since women already have them and men like to look at them. Until Komen gets its shit together I won't be giving a dime.

The Proust Questionnaire (Shamelessly Stolen from Vanity Fair)

by Jason Neal

I'll never be famous or important enough to be asked by Vanity Fair to fill out their iconic Proust questionnaire. But doesen't mean I can't try:



What is your idea of perfect happiness: Sitting on a beach in Aruba with my wife and a bucket of Heineken


What is your greatest fear: Leaving for work one morning and never being able to come back home to my family like the victims in the World Trade Center.

What historical figure do you most identify with: Sir Winston Churchill


What trait do you most deplore in yourself: Timidity


What trait do you most deplore in Others: Arrogance


What is your greatest extravagance: Enjoying a good beer while smoking a cigar


What is your favorite journey: Back roads of Arizona


What do you consider the most overrated virtue: Piousness


Which living person do you most admire: Aung San Suu Kyi, Burmese Democratic Opposition Leader


Which living person do you most despise: Charles & David Koch, CEO's of Koch Industries and any 'Koch'sucker politician who takes their money.


On what occasion do you lie: Spare someones feelings or prevent a bad decision


What do you dislike about your appearance: When you have cleft lip its pretty obvious


Which words or phrases do you most overuse: I'll get to it later


What is your biggest regret: Not keeping in touch with friends from childhood


When and where are you most happiest: Quality time with family where all four of us are in a sublimely happy state which the outside world cannot interrupt.


Which talent would you most like to have: Comedic timing


What is current state of mind: Rushed bordering on edgy


If could change one thing about self what would it be: Normal looking upper lip


If could change about family what would it be: Parents both still alive


If you come back as anything, what would it be: A ghost in the White House


What is most treasured possession: Wedding bands from parents and grandparents


What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery: Being in a work meeting that has nothing to do with you on a busy day knowing its an hour of your life that you will, never, ever get back.


Where would you like to live: St.Ives, Cornwall in England


What is your favorite occupation: Social Worker


What quality you most like in a man: Integrity


What quality you most like in a woman: Humor


What do you most value in friends: Honesty


Who are your favorite authors: Irvine Welsh, Nick Hornby, Ken Kesey


What favorite hero of fiction: Atticus Finch


What favorite hero of real life: Morris Dees, Civil Rights lawyer, founder of the Southern Poverty Law Center and modern day Atticus Finch


What is it that you most dislike: The moneyed, corporate interests that have far too much influence in our political system.


How would you like to die: Peacefully, painlessly on a Cornish beach


What is your motto: 'Onward and Upward, Always'


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It's Your 2011 ROSSY AWARDS!!!

These awards originated out of my fraternity from college, and celebrated all of our best (or worst) moments drunkenness, debauchery, and just plain moments of stupidity. Today we're grown up and so to have The Rossys as we celebrate the best in salacious achievements throughout the World!


The Happy Hour Lasted An Hour Too Long Award - A inebriated Arizona Cardinals fan in Phoenix decided to celebrate a rare victory by masturbating in a motel parking lot. When confronted by police, said fan responded by inviting them 'To Come Get Some'. Instead Police invited him to get some at the Maricopa County jail where there were probably others in his condition more willing to take his offer.

Best Moment of Law Enforcement Not Featured on TV Show Cops - A woman in Gurnee,IL was arrested for assaulting an officer with a dildo after a traffic stop. Sadly no video exists of said assault but when asked by Prosecutors to describe the weapon, officers noted the weapon in their police report as a 'clear, rigid, feminine, pleasure device'

The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence: Field Trip Category - Eighth grade students from Berwick, PA who took a trip to the Baltimore Aquarium got an extra special treat for lunch: Hooters! Known as the place for wings, beer, and uh other things, where undoubtedly boys had no complaints and girls could determine how far along they were in training bras. When parents complained the local school board defended the lunch as providing well rounded education (unsure if pun was intended). But on the plus side there was increase in fathers volunteering to chaperon on next year's trip.

The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence: The Improved Literacy Category - First graders at Emerson Elementary School near Los Angeles as a part of a 'Reading Is Fun' campaign got a special treat as a celebrity read to them in class. Not just any celebrity but porn star Sasha Grey, 2010 AVN winner (The Oscars of Porn) for Best Anal Sex scene. Reportedly Grey enjoyed the experience since most porn scripts are written only at a elementary reading level though many parents were not amused. Luckily for school admins the furor died down quickly when offended parents were asked 'If you don't watch porn than how do you know Sasha Grey?' An awkward silence usually followed from the Dads then typically responding 'Well, on second thought what harm is there in learning reading'

Best Impersonation of Cop by A Transsexual Hooker - Police in Baltimore, MD received several reports of motorists being pulled over and having their licenses taken by a man impersonating a cop...while dressed as a woman...with a blond wig...wearing long, knee high leather boots...and fishnet stockings. To date him (or her) has not been found, nor have any of the licenses have been recovered. However some male victims reported they were stunned but not completely turned-off, and found the whole situation strangely curious.

The Fly The Friendly Skies Award: Celebrity Category - French actor Gerard Depardieu was kicked off an Air France flight from Paris to Dublin for urinating on the floor of First Class shortly after takeoff. After being refused use of a lavatory, Depardieu protested by relieving the contents of the complimentary champagne in front of the stewardesses. We are fairly certain somewhere in America a braindead local news anchor reporting the story made the obvious pun 'First Class clearly isn't what it used to be, Haha...now onto Weather...'

The Fly The Friendly Skies Award: Disgruntled Employee Category - Passengers aboard an overnight Virgin Atlantic flight from Orlando, FL to Glasgow, Scotland received a warm, friendly wake-up call of 'Good morning, you cunts!' Allegedly, the message was intended for crew but accidentally went out to the whole plane. However seeing as most of the passengers were Scottish, the c-word may be have been taken as a term of endearment.

Best Fight: Non-Drinking Category - Police in the village of Xuzhou in the Jiangsu province of China were called to break up a melee among 200 villagers resulting from a local father using strippers as entertainment for his son's wedding. According to eyewitness reports men initially were fighting to get a better look at the show, but when wives arrived the reason switched to 'Were shocked, shocked to find nude dancing here' and the brawl escalated form there.


Best Fight: Drinking Category - A Thanksgiving dinner in Racine, WI turned sour when the 23-year boyfriend of the host was arrested for threatening another guest with a butcher knife after they took his favorite seat at the dinner table. Allegedly adding to the comedic aspect was the perpetrator being 5'3" tall and the guest being over 6'0" and able hold attacker at bay with simply having long arms.


Best Riot Not Involving European Soccer Fans or a Chuck E Cheese - In Greece, fans of Panathininaikos BC celebrated a European Basketball League playoff victory over Barcelona by setting fire to their own arena. In response to the incident FIBA the basketball governing authority said typical arena party songs 'The Roof Is On Fire' and 'Burning Down The House' would no longer be played. In a related sports note, Panathinaikos BC would go on to win the European Basketball Championship which represented another championship that Lebron James and Miami Heat did not win.


The Cheech and Chong Award - Rhode Island State Assemblyman Robert Watson this Spring was arrested for DUI and pot possession after being stopped at a DUI checkpoint. What clinched the Rossy for Rep. Watson was days earlier while criticizing the State's Legislature, he was quoted saying Rhode Island would become a great place for 'A Gay Guatemalan who likes to gamble and smoke marijuana'. Political analysts noted the bizarre nature of the incident noting Sen. Watson was neither gay, nor Guatemalan, nor had any history of gambling.


The Ethics In New Jersey Politics Award - Jersey City councilman Steven Lipski was arrested for urinating from the balcony of Washington D.C. music club onto patrons below listening to a Phish cover band. Luckily for the councilman, there were no serious repercussions since most people agree that A) music from Phish in general sucks and B) anyone who would pay money to see a Phish cover band probably deserves to be urinated on.


Best Use of Prostitution - A Physics professor named David Flory at Fairleigh-Dickinson University in New Jersey was fired for his creative way to supplement his teaching income consisting of running a brothel out of his New Mexico vacation home. Colleagues became suspicious when good professor started showing up to his lectures wearing gold chains, walking around with a cane, and telling students 'Bitch better have my term paper'.


Best Combination of Prostitution and/or Illegal Drugs - Many civic minded groups often face the challenge for fundraising. But one Mummer's group in Philadelphia found an very profitable method to raise funds for their float in the annual New Year's parade...a cocaine and hookers party!


Philly Police sent undercover cops to investigate whether the Downtown Fancy Brigade, a Mummer's group was selling liquor without a license in their clubhouse and found out they were selling more...much more. It what could only be described as The Shriners meet Scarface, the end result were arrests of 10 prostitutes, 15 johns, a gun, and enough cocaine to fuel Lindsay Lohan for a week. And the brigade's Treasurer there to make sure they got a cut of the action. No word if The 4H Club were planning on adding some new elements to their annual Country Line Dance hoedown.

Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - A 34 year old in Vermont man was arrested for vandalizing his ex-girlfriend's car, but what caught the Rossy committee's attention was the part where he misspelled the word 'Slut' on the hood. The suspect was arrested by Police, while being questioned,when they asked him to spell out 'Slut' which he then wrote as 'Sult', same spelling as was spray-painted on the car.


The Gordon Ramsey Award for Best Restaurant Moment - The Chili's Southwestern Chicken can come in spicy flavor but one women eating at their Albuquerque, NM restaurant really got spicy when she pierced her tongue with a needle. Around that same moment in the kitchen a line cook was saying 'Hey Man, I got to divvy up this marijuana for sale after my shift, anyone seen my hairpin I normally use to roll joints? I left it by the chicken...Oh, (Bleep)!'


After that experience, Chili's figured a $50 dinner coupon probably wasn't enough to make up for needing a Tetanus shot and the woman's lawyers agreed as they presumably paid a large sum of money for her to eat at TGIFridays from now on.


The Charlie Sheen Award for Epic Achievement In Partying - From an anonymous forwarded e-mail detailing how a mid, 20-something aged male working in a large business firm in Chicago decided to regale his co-workers with his adventures the previous evening. His story detailed the following:

- How trashed he got at company softball game
- Afterward,at the bar he got into a altercation with a teammate when he made unwanted advances to that person's girlfriend
- Tells how lucky he was not to get a DUI driving around Chicago later that night trolling for hookers.
- Woke up next morning covered in his own puke
- Came into work late and was probably still drunk


Said employee detailed all of this in an e-mail....sent to the entire company. Reportedly shortly afterward this employee was summoned to Human Relations and subsequently never heard from again. Whoever you are Mr.'Because Thats How I Roll' the Rossy committee salutes you.


The LeBron James Flaming Asshole of the Year Award - Alasdair Thompson, CEO of the Employers and Manufacturers Association of New Zealand in a morning radio interview blamed women for low productivity and higher cost citing menstruation and child birth: "Because you know, once a month they have sick problem. Not all women, but some do. They have children and they have to take leave off"


Thompson barely made it to that afternoon before having to quickly apologize but similar to a carload of baby shit being thrown into a large Industrial fan, the damage was done and he was out of a job. Although Thompson did not say so publicly, we are pretty certain he would be in favor women giving birth if child slave labor was legal.


The Karma Is A Bitch Award sponsored by Chick Fil'A - A man in Delano, CA who was participating in an illegal cockfight died after...wait for it.....accidentally being stabbed in throat by his Rooster. No really you are allowed laugh at this.


The 2011 Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee - A man in Connecticut was arrested for insurance fraud, identity theft, and a litany of other charges after posing as a severely brain damaged patient so home health nurses would come to his house and care for him. The payoff for this gentleman particularly was the part where they would clean up after he made a dooty....because he had a Infantalism fetish. Unfortunately the gig was up when a nurse who came early caught him walking around, smoking a cigarette, sans adult diaper. The Rossy Committee suggests to Mr.Brain Freeze-Poopy Pants that surely there must have been a Craiglist section for that kinda of thing. And willing participants probably come cheaper than a home health aide, too!

The 2011 Rossy Lifetime Achievement Award - In times of great uncertainty, there have been great orators who encapsulated the wisdom needed to persevere. Whether it was the American Civil War (Abraham Lincoln and The Gettysburg Address), Darkest Days of WWII ('We shall never give up, We shall never surrender' from Winston Churchill), or crossroads of the Civil Rights Movement (Martin Luther King and his 'I Have a Dream' speech)


For these troubled times of 2011, with economic turmoil in Europe, political upheaval in the Mideast, and America having a crisis of confidence. The Rossy committee could find strength and comfort in the wisdom of one Carlos Estevez aka Charlie Sheen. From his interview on ABC News which will one day be engraved in stone:




'I'm on a drug and it's called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available, because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, “Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!” …


I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, had to unload 22 years of fiction … the fiction of A.A. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning.


I’m dealing with fools and trolls. They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives, and then they look at me and they say, “I can’t process it.” Well, no, you never will. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.'


So to summarize the 2011 Rossy Awards: WINNING!



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My Unnecessary Guide To the 2012 Republican Presidential Primaries

Warning: The following has been satirized for your protection. Photos courtesy of Wonkette



Since the Washington Post political reporting is staffed by a bunch of idiots, Fox News are bunch of corporate shills, and NYT's Maureen Dowd is an overrated hack. I thought I would bring you the only political analysis of the Republican Presidential Primary that really matters. Otherwise known as I read political blogs so you don't have to.


Here I evaluate each candidate rating their threat to Obama in Joe Biden BFD units (Big Fuckin Deal). This score ranges from 4 (Causes Obama to get gray hairs and need a cigarette) to 0 (Obama can start making plans for his Second Term Inauguration).


The Corporate Establishment Bracket


Mitt Romney

Romney surveys his fiefdom

You might know him as - Former Governor of Massachusetts


Strengths - Republicans like their nominees to look 'presidential' and Romney looks like he came straight from central casting for the part. Essentially the man bankers are counting on to keep the Bush tax cuts going.


Weaknesses - Has managed to take both sides of every issue at some point in his political career depending upon which way the wind blows. Also he created universal health care reform in Massachusetts which looks oddly similar to the one Obama instituted.


BFD Meter - 4


Jon Huntsman

That's Huntsman with an H not C

You might know him as - Former Governor of Utah and US Ambassador to China

Strengths - Moderate with ability to raise conservative talking points without scaring the off Independent voters. Has good hair, Also his daughters are hot which should excite Maxim readers (see below).




Sadly reporters were more interested in his daughters


Weaknesses - His moderate tone probably won't play well with the typical evangelical, Southern conservative who like their politics deep-fried. Neither will his stint as Ambassador to China where he was appointed by...Obama


BFD Meter - 2


Newt Gingrich


Asshat sold separately


You might know him as - Former Speaker of the House of Representatives, History professor, Bill Clinton's arch-nemesis, professional asshole

Strengths - The ultimate shape-shifter. A politician who can survive in just about any political landscape. Can raise money from Wall Streeters in the one day and spend it posing as a fire breathing populist to the Tea Party in the next.

Weaknesses - Never met a microphone he didn't like which leads to a daily helping of him looking like gasbag. Thus as voters get to know him the less they tend to like him. His serial adultery won't play well with the Born Again Christian crowd.


BFD Meter - 2.5




The Tea Party/Religious Right Bracket (aka The people clinging to their guns and religion)


Rick Perry



Clearly compensating for something

  You might know him as - Current Governor of Texas


Strengths - Can bring the Southern good ol' boy charm along with the good hair and rap that speaks to the NASCAR race fan voting bloc. Has managed irritate Karl Rove which gives him Anti-Establishment cred that Tea Partyers crave.

Weaknesses - 'There are three departments that I will cut as President: Education, Commerce, and uh...uh....umm....(90 seconds later)...uh..Oooops..can't think of the third'
Nothing like having a brain fart on Nationally televised debate.


BFD Meter - 2


Michele Bachmann




I'm crazy like a fox...or just crazy

 You might know her as - Current Congresswoman from Minnesota


Strengths - Went Tea Party before it was cool to go Tea Party among GOP power players. While some dismiss her as crank, may have have Machiavellian instincts to dial up just enough crazy to appeal to the Far Right but stay under the mainstream media's radar.


Weaknesses - May actually be batshit crazy. Seems to have problem reconciling some her claims to anything resembling reality.


BFD Meter - 1


Rick Santorum




She googles 'Santorum'

 You might know him as - Former US Senator from Pennsylvania


Strengths - The Religious Right's preferred candidate after publicly stating he would outlaw Abortion and thinks all contraceptives should be banned which secretly gets Pat Robertson aroused.


Weaknesses - Google 'Santorum'...seriously...do it...no really...you've got try it!


BFD Meter - 1




The Libertarian Bracket (aka Conservatives who like to smoke weed and watch South Park)


Ron Paul




Paul and his freedom loving, tax hating groupies

You might know him as - Current Congressman from Texas

Strengths - Quite possibly the only man in Washington who actually says AND does what he believes. Has been the only Republican to voice concerns about War on Terror infringing on civil liberties.


Weaknesses - As patron saint of the Ayn Rand crowd is not afraid to say he would dismantle Medicare and Social Security which considering retired voters are major voting bloc means he has a snowball's chance in Hell in a general election. Karl Rove would burn down the GOP convention before allowing Paul to get the party's nomination.


BFD Meter - 2


Gary Johnson


You might know him as - Former Governor of New Mexico


Strengths - Popular governor in a largely Democratic state and possibly only Governor to ever sport a pony tail. Bears a strong resemblance to 'The Dude' in the Big Lebowski


Weaknesses - Wants to legalize marijuana and reform immigration which puts him squarely against the law and order crowd.


BFD Meter - 1




The Not.Gonna.Happen.Ever Bracket (BFD Meter for each name below sums up to 0 POINT 0)


Buddy Roemer




You might know him as - Former Congressman and Governor of Louisiana


Strengths - Served both State and Federal level.....


Weaknesses - Served both State and Federal level...as a Democrat in the 80's


Thaddeus McCodder


You might know him as - You probably don't but Current Congressman from Michigan


Strengths - Thaddeus who?


Weaknesses - see above


Fred Karger


You might know him as - You almost certainly never have but he was political consultant if you really need to know


Strengths - First openly gay politician to run for President


Weaknesses - First openly gay politician to run for President...for the GOP nomination...in a party that virulently anti-Gay. Good luck with that sir.


Gone but not forgotten:
Herman Cain (His endorsement could be key)


Gone and very much forgotten:
Sarah Palin
Tim Pawlenty


And the WINNER of the GOP Primary will be: Mitt Romney! Gingrich and Perry split the Religious Right/Tea Party/Batshit Crazy voters who make up the Anyone but Romney contingent which provides Mittens the opening he needs pass through to the Winner's circle. Ron Paul continues his Don Quixote'esque quest for the Presidency which ends up like a cult TV show: has rabid, cult following but falls far short in terms of actual votes and ends up cancelled.


And the WINNER of the 2012 Presidential election will be: TOSS UP! Essentially a replay of 2004 where a vulnerable incumbent faces a flawed challenger. Whoever wins it will be a 51-49 split.


Forget Meet The Press since David Gregory is an absolute tool...because THIS could be the key to deciding the 2012 race: The dark horse for running mate would be Marco Rubio, US Senator from Florida. A Romney/Rubio combo would peel away two big voting groups Obama would need: white college educated professionals and Hispanics.