It's Your Completely Unnecessary Guide to the 2013 Oscars

First something of a disclaimer, back in college when I had something called free time and could engage my cinephile hobby. I would have seen every movie and performance on this list and could have given you complete breakdown of each category. But alas adult responsibility came along now I'm limited to occasional Netflix and anything playing on basic cable. So in full disclosure I really haven't seen many of the nominees, BUT that's OK. Because I suspect many of the actual Oscar voters have not either and at least I have the integrity to admit it.

The likelihood of winning is measured in 'Jack' units or how many Jack Daniels drinks you would need to consume to get the swagger of Jack Nicholson before appearing on stage ranging from 0 representing Just Happy To be Here, to 4 meaning grab your sunglasses, smirk, and the thank you list cause your headed to the podium baby! The 'Jack' units will appear in the ( ) along side nominee and each category ranked most to least likely.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables (4)
Sally Field, Lincoln (3.5)
Helen Hunt, The Sessions (2)
Amy Adams, The Master (1.5)
Jacki Hunt, Silver Linings Playbook (1)


Back in 1984, Sally Field became America's sweetheart for her now famous schtick after winning for Places In The Heart with 'You like me! You really, really like me!' Now its Anne Hathaway's turn with the 'Oh my Gosh, Oh My Gosh! Can't Believe I Won' schtick but probably falls short since Taylor Swift has pretty much patented the 'Oh My Gosh! Oh My Gosh! I can't believe I won....a People's Choice Award...for actually showing up....with the only other nominee being Chris Brown'


FUN BONUS FACT #1
Wait a minute you say, isn't Fields' famous line 'You Love Me! You really, Really Love Me!' Nope. Similar to Casablanca, where its most memorable line 'Play It Again Sam' was never actually said in the film and is an example of mis-remembering before the era of YouTube and 24 hour 'info-tainment' channels.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Alan Arkin, Argo (3.25)
Robert DeNiro, Silver Linings Playbook (3.25)
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln (3.25)
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master (1.5)
Christopher Waltz, Django Unchained (1.0)

This category features nominees who have all won before and is a toss-up between Arkin, DeNiro, and Jones that essentially foreshadows of who will win Best Picture. That is if you believe the theory that Oscars for acting ride the coattails of whatever will win Best Picture. My theory is what all three frontrunners have in common is they show up at awards looking like old curmudgeons about to tell some damn kids to get off their lawn. Thus the winner is whoever has the sour-puss face that launches a thousand internet memes. Based on Golden Globes, edge goes to Jones.


FUN BONUS FACT #2
Some people felt Hoffman could be a dark horse, but since his character is based on L.Ron Hubbard and the film essentially bears a not-so striking resemblance to Scientology with a not-so-flattering storyline. In response the cult IRS recognized tax exempt religious organization has used its enormous Hollywood power to black list Hoffman and ensure that film never sees the light of day. For proof of their clout just look at how Scientologists made Tom Cruise the preeminent, most bankable star in the universe....oh...right...that was 15 years ago. Never mind

BEST ACTRESS

Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook (3.75)
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty (3.5)
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour (1)
Quvenzhane Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wilds (0)
Naomi Watts, The Impossible (0)

Basically this is a two horse race between Lawrence and Chastain for who will have the hottest, sweat inducing, 'Holy S**t look at her' outfit of the night. Early favorite is Lawrence whose red gown last year at made even gay men tell their straight friends 'Holy Mother of Pearl!'.
  

On a related note Lawrence and Chastain are also known as really good actresses and are also the favorites with Lawrence playing a crazy person versus Chastain who plays CIA analyst who helped hunt down Bin Laden. It's a toss-up but Lawrence wins by a bra size and gets to tell Kristen Stewart she can go ahead and have that MTV movie award and Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Award for best actress. Because her and Oscar will be over at the grown-up table discussing future projects.

FUN BONUS FACT #3
Most of the action beforehand will be on the red carpet but discerning viewers will be tuned to E! to count how many times actors pull Ryan Seacrest aside asking 'So dude, when Julianne Hough dumps you...I mean you guys break up for some reason, is it alright if I go out with her?'

BEST ACTOR

Daniel Day Lewis, Lincoln (4)
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook (2)
Hugh Jackman, Les Miserables (1)
Denzel Washington, Flight (1)
Jacquin Phoenix, The Master (0)

Lewis' method acting is legendary, such as staying in character for the duration of filming. Lincoln was no different as Lewis reportedly went to strip clubs in his stove pipe hat asking the ladies if they had ever met his friends Jefferson and Jackson while making it 'rain' on stage. Though Lewis is sure lock there were solid other performances such as Joaquin Phoenix delivering his strongest performance since his last appearance on Dave Letterman. And Denzel Washington managing to put cocaine in a positive light while extolling the virtues of flying commercial jet airplanes while high. And Bradley Cooper will join the exclusive Hollywood club, one with the few actors who can go toe to toe with George Clooney when playing the game 'Wait, Did I or did I not sleep with her?'


FUN BONUS FACT #4
There always embarrassing sartorial moments when actresses have roughly the same dress. Such potential 'Bitch, stole my look' issues this year include Dakota Fanning and The Olsen Twins, Miley Cyrus and Susan Powter, along with Jennifer Lopez and a El Camino

BEST PICTURE
Argo (3.9999)
Lincoln (3.9998)
Silver Linings Playbook (2)
Zero Dark Thirty (1.5)
Les Miserables (1.5)
Django Unchained (1)
Life of Pi (0.001)
Beasts of the Southern Wilds (0.0001)
Amour (0)

Early prognosticators had Lincoln as the runaway favorite but like Geraldo Rivera in an brothel, climaxed way too soon. Argo was like Carly Rae Jepsen's sex appeal in that it may not register at first but slowly grows on you until suddenly you're like 'Wow!' Plus you have to admire Ben Affleck resurrecting his career like a modern day Lazarus from the tomb of Gigli. Silver Linings Playbook is the dark horse but being edgy and funny represents the antonym of typical tone deaf Oscar voter.

Several of the other films had some noticeable flaws.
- Zero Dark Thirty was bogged down by controversy around scenes of torture such as where Jessica Chastain CIA character is out in a hot desert but at no point is inclined to wear a bikini much to the consternation of male audiences.
- Les Miserables was accused of not quite living up to the stage production along with the historians challenging authenticity noting peasants in 17th century France were not generally given to break out in song philosophically reflecting their plight in life while contemplating broad societal implications of justice, religion, and love within French society, all while they were literally shoveling shit.
- Life of Pi was deemed a little too fanciful in that a tiger and boy in the same boat generally would not coexist together.
- Django Unchained was criticized for making light of slavery and racial tensions and the media nearly had a fainting spell when they learned a very important figure in cinema had very important objections. But upon learning it was only Spike Lee the controversy subsided but not enough to keep Leonardo DiCaprio's from getting snubbed. Apparently someone in Hollywood is still bitter over Leo being an arrogant prick in the late 90's
- Amour was foreign which meant no one saw it except 5 hipsters at an alternative theater in Austin, Texas and as of yet no one has been confirmed to have seen Beasts of the Southern Wilds.

So while the smart money says Hollywood will crown Lincoln because it always loves a good Historical, epic, biographical tale like Ghandi or Lawrence of Arabia. Enough old, uptight Oscar voters have passed on to allow something a little more stylish like Argo to sneak through and claim the prize.

FUN BONUS FACT #5
Look for past Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr. appearing in commercials to remind any winners who get their trophy by sheer, dumb, serendipitous luck that in 20 years when your career has crashed and you need cash. Fast. The helpful people at Cash for Gold can turn that Oscar Gold into cold hard cash! Show me the money indeed!

AND A SUPER BONUS FUN BONUS FACT
Everyone is expecting a cutting edge, comedy routine from host Seth MacFarlane but that probably wont happen since Hollywood and celebrities in general are humorless, lifeless, soulless egomaniacs who are incapable of laughing at themselves. And I do mean literally incapable because all the Botox and facelifts make it physically impossible to laugh. But more likely he'll join Dave Letterman, Jon Stewart, and Ellen DeGeneres forced to pull punches and hold back resulting in a disappointing act. And a somewhat partly funny Seth MacFarlane is lot like a straight thinking, sober Amanda Bynes. Just not that fun.

It's Your 2012 Rossy Awards!!!!

These awards originated out of my fraternity from college, and celebrated all of our best (or worst) moments drunkenness, debauchery, and just plain moments of stupidity. Today we're grown up and so to have The Rossys as we hand out to celebrate best in salacious achievements throughout the World!

The Prestigious Rossy

The Anthony Weiner Award for best use of a cell phone camera - Philadelphia traffic judge William 'Big Willie' Singletary decided the best way to get out of a impending parking ticket was to show the meter maid a cell phone picture of his junk and let it do the talking for him. Needless to say 'Little Willie' was not persuasive enough for the meter maid who still gave him the ticket or the State of Pennsylvania who removed him from the bench for lewd conduct.

Best Cross Dressing Moment Not Seen On RuPaul's Drag Star - A 24 year-old male in Savannah, GA was arrested for a string of car thefts in the area where he, while dressed in a wig, makeup, and women's clothing would test drive the car then not return. It was sort of like Volkswagon's Sign and Drive event except for the part where (s)he would sign to buy the car. Police found the dude (who looked like a lady) because he left his driver's license (not in drag) with his(her) actual address. Though the the car theft crime spree was ended at only three, as a consolation the Savannah Police spokesman noted 'He actually doesen't make a bad looking woman', so there was that.

Best Law Enforcement Moment Not Seen on 'Cops' - A 27 year-old woman in Middletown, CT called police to report she had been a victim of fraud. Namely that was she given given the anti-depressant Seroquel instead of the pain-killer Percocet from some local teens during an illegal prescription drug transaction. Shortly afterwards as local police were announcing a major bust of a prescription pain-killer traffiking ring run by local teens, they noted it all started with a non-rhetorical question 'What are you high?'

Best Culinary Moment Not Captured On The Food Network - A man upset over the long wait for his food order at a Denny's restaurant in San Antonio, TX decided to voice his dissatisfaction by going one step further than just speaking with the manager but setting fire to the Christmas tree in the lobby and subsequently burning down the restaurant. No one was hurt but said arsonist did get away presumably without ever getting his Grand Slam breakfast with a side bacon that he just had to have. Food writers noted that the best step to avoid slow service and poor food was choosing not to eat at a Denny's in the first place.

Best Sports Moment Not Captured on ESPN - Detroit Red Wings minor league hockey prospect Riley Sheahan was arrested in Grand Rapids, MI for drunk driving with a blood alcohol level of .31 which was over three times the legal limit. However more concerning to the Red Wings organization was he arrested while dressed in a full size teletubby suit as the character Tinky Winky plus the fact it wasn't even Halloween.


The Willard Scott Award for most akward weather forecast moment - On February 19, the weather forecast in Britain was its fairly, usual dismal self with snow in Scotland and northern England, and near freezing tempratures for Wales and Southern England. And of course rain everywhere, since when does it not rain on the British Isles. For BBC1 10:00 newscast, weatherman Alex Deakin summed it all up as 'bucketloads of c**t' (which in polite circles is referred to as 'C yoU Next Tuesday'). On a possibly related note many pubescent teenagers were seen outside after the forecast, looking upward and asking if anyone see it yet?

The Best Moment In Drunken Hookup Failure - Police in Panama City, FL were called to a home by a 15 year-old girl who dialed 911 because her 36 year old Mom was having sex too loudly with her new boyfriend in the next room. No charges were filed since there no statute for anything that falls under the 'Ewww, that's gross' realm and complainant's mother had already been advised to 'get a room' at the bar earlier.

The Happy Hour Went An Hour Too Long Award - A man in Hull, England angry for being tossed out of a bar for smoking decided to express his anger to management by returning an hour later with a running chainsaw. In what could only be described as one hell of a nicotine fit, the gentleman smoker managed to reduce most of the pub's fine Oak paneled bar top to a pile of firewood in the span of about five minutes before police could arrive to stop the 'English Pub Chainsaw Massacre'. Afterward friends of the chainsaw bandit noted they were always a little hesitant to bum a cigarette off him.

Best Fight (Non-Drinking Category) - Three daycare workers in Dover, DE were arrested for running a fight club in the day care using pre-schoolers as combatants and included actual betting on the victors. In a related note, the same workers were also nominated for the Worst People Ever award.

Best Fight (Drinking Category) - British MP (Member of Parliament) Eric Joyce was banned from the pub inside the House of Commons and fined 3,000 pounds after headbutting a fellow MP in a disagreement over Scottish politics which ironically in Scottish parlance is also known as a 'Glasgow handshake'. Political commentators and pundits disagreed on the potential fallout for Mr.Joyce since the incident involved two of the three things Scottish love: drinking, fighting, and soccer.

Best Beat Down by a fictional character - In Seattle a intoxicated man was beaten up by a group of little people dressed as Leprechauns for dancing with one their women (a banshee perhaps?) and annoyingly asking them where he could find a pot of gold. The insuing brawl left the full sized man bloody and bruised and said leprechauns disappeared into the June night possibly by hopping a rainbow back to Ireland. General Mills confirmed Lucky the Leprechaun from their Lucky Charms had not gone rogue and the grumpy old troll from Dora the Explorer also had an alibi. So the biggest mystery is what leprechauns were doing in Seattle in Summer, so in response police advised revelers downtown 'Be Wary Ye Travelers'

Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - In the supply and demand economics of marijuana sales, a parolee in Florence, SC found himself with a common problem among drug dealers, what happens when you have too much product? His solution was to offer the excess bud to his cell phone contacts. Among those in his contact list offered a good deal on the weed was the man's parole officer, who accepted the offer to score some discounted weed sent some police officers over to complete the transaction and the arrest which violated his parole and sent him back to prison.

The John McEnroe Anger Management Award - A man in Newport, VT after being released from jail for arrests on drug possession and resisting arrest decided he still had some unfinished business with police. Still fuming over his arrest the man returned to the station with a monster truck and proceeded to smash all 7 of the department's patrol cars before speeding off in something right out of a monster truck show. Police were unable to mount a pursuit because all of the patrol cars were completely destroyed. In quite possibly the understatement of the year, a resident named 'bigfoot' when interviewed by Howard Stern radio show described the assailant as 'one crazy motherfucker'

Best Riot (Not involving European Soccer fans or a Chuck E Cheese) - Sending out e-vites on Facebook can be quite convenient. For a 16 year old teen in Haren, Netherlands whose parents were going out of town, seemed like a good idea to invite a few friends over for some beer and typical teenager hijinks. Unfortunately she accidentally made the e-vite public as in ALL of Facebook and teenagers being teenagers (which is to say being assholes just for the sake of being assholes) made it a point to spread news of the party to as many people as possible on social media dubbing it Project X similar to the movie.

The end result was 6,000 people showed up for the intimate gathering at the girl's house. When told to leave, the crowd took the party elsewhere, mainly to the town square where the party devolved into looting, arson, and ultimately a drunken confrontation with a hundred riot police. When the night was over 34 people were arrested, several injured, and several hundred thousand dollars damage. Not to mention the 16 year old whose party invite started it found herself being in REALLY, REALLY REALLY big trouble with her parents.

The Charlie Sheen Award for epic achievement in partying - The German Men's field hockey team decided to celebrate a Gold medal in the London Olympics by renting out a party boat to cruise the River Thames. Apparently the resulting party was host to some serious bro antics because the German team got a damage bill for 630,000 British pounds. Among the damages were stains from champagne (among other things), holes burned in the apostrophe from cigars, and literally a ton of broken glass from beer bottles. Plus the German ingratiated themselves to their British hosts by urinating in the river and there may or may not have been prostitutes on board.

The Fly The Friendly Skies Award - VietJet airlines (when you want to fly Vietnam in style!) was fined a whopping 20 million dong (actually it's only $960 in American dollars) for staging a bikini/strip show on a flight from Ho Chi Minh City to Nha Trang. The impromptu strip show was not normally part of the flight though many passengers would consider an upgrade over stale peanuts. The Rossy committee would like to acknowledge that fact Vietnam's currency is named 'dong' when combined with any sort of element of stripping is guaranteed comedy.

The Silvio Burlusconi Award for best in politician hootenanny - Wang Minsheng, head of the Communist Party of the Lijiang povince in China saw his budding career come to abrupt halt after tweeting pictures of himself involved in a six person orgy. Reportedly in addition to the disgrace of resigning, Wang had to endure people who would hum the classic 80's song 'Everybody WANG Chung tonight....' whenever he was around.

Most.Unnattractive.Orgy.Ever

The Biggest, Most Massive Twitter #FAIL of the Year - In our new category this year, the Rossy committee introduces the biggest Twitter #FAIL of the year. In what arguably is the most competitive category seeing as millions of people on Twitter and everyday so many managing to make themselves look like a twat for tweeting something stupid. It truly takes a tweet of unbelievable ignorance, ego, or vapidity or some combination of all three to truly claim this award.

This year we recognize @CelebBoutique who sent out this tweet an hour after the Aurora, CO mass shooting at a movie theater that killed 12 people:

Someone forgot to check the news before tweeting

AND FINALLY WITHOUT FURTHER ADO...

The Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee of 2012 - The good people of Kingston, Ontario like to kick off the Holidays with the Eastern Ontario Santa Claus Festival. A joyous event featuring hot chocolate, Christmas trees, and of course a parade featuring the big man himself. However this year the Grinch made an unannounced visit in the form of a 24 year-old intoxicated man who dressed up as Satan complete with spikey hair for horns. This grinch then went around to every kid he saw and broke the news there actually is no Santa Claus and topped it off by running onto the parade and flipping Santa the middle finger during the parade.

Police update

In this modern adaptation of the Grinch, he gets arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. However, no charges can make up for destroying the Christmas dreams of dozens of little kids in Eastern Ontario. For this however please join the Rossy committee as we applaud this fine act of debauchery as he joins other notable winners in this circle of honor:

2011 - Charlie Sheen for WINNING
2010 - Man who masturbated to a Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit issue in the magazine aisle at Wal-Mart in Florida.
2009 - Man in Cairns, Australia who broke into sex shops and 'utilized' sex dolls then put them back in the box
2008 - Ernest Borgnine who told Fox and Friends on live television the secret to longevity was masturbating a lot.

12 Days of Christmas, Curse of the Reply All Button, and how The Roadrunner explains the election

First off, on a serious note - Most of you who know me or read me know my blog is primarily driven with some current events, some data wonkery, but mostly levity and humor. Obviously after the horrific tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut at Sandy Hook Elementary there is no way to even attempt any humor but I feel before proceeding with my usual gluttony of snark I wanted express my prayers and condolences to those families who lost loved ones in the massacre.

Working in public health I tend to view mass shootings through the lense of an Epidemiologist or Sociologist. Which is to say studying the interaction of several factors that combine to create this tragedy and treat it as a public health problem. What these crimes represent is the lethal intersection of two things: people with serious, untreated mental illness who have easy availability to lethal firearms. I could write a thesis but here are just a few quick thoughts:

- We can call the shooter crazy because nobody in their right mind wakes up one day and says casually 'Hmm.. you know what I feel like doing today? Killing a lot small kids.' What separates Adam Lanza and the 27 other previous mass shooters from say a mafia hitman is that that the mafioso kills with a specific intent and purpose. Plus that purpose is rational (bump off competition, kill a informant, etc.). Plus the mob had a code, no killing of women, children, or innocents. Not saying it's morally right, just saying it's rational. These no mass shooters on the other hand had no rational basis for what they did.

- We have a mental health problem in this country because we lack a sufficient mental healthcare system in this country. Our choice is to create an extensive mental health safety net through expanding Medicaid and mandating private insurance coverage for it. Yes that involves higher taxes and premiums, but the alternative is the societal cost of lives lost in mass shootings like the Sandy Hook massacre by lunatics where a mental health safety net could have intervened and prevented them from harming others.

- We need to destigmatize mental illness. Just as someone can't help having the Genetic diseases or Cancer, neither can someone help having Bi-Polar depression or personality disorder. Why view mental healthcare different from regular healthcare?

- People collectively in what I call the American gun culture (sellers, manufacturers, and owners) need to understand we can no longer pretend that the erosion of gun control over the past 20 years which facilitated easy accessibility to powerful firearms without any accountability where they end up did not play any role in this tragedy. The gun industry has pushed for laws which make getting high powered firearms and ammunition easier than getting Advil Cold and Sinus. They also wanted repeal of the Assault Weapon Ban, they got it, but an unintended consequence is the mentally deranged and criminals having access to semi-automatic weapons to commit violence. The gun industry bears some responsibility in how those weapons are used.

- To all the armchair commandos stating if we simply arm all Americans with concealed weapons in public we can stop mass shootings. To a non-gun owner that sounds like a extraordinarily idiotic idea.

- The biggest threat to responsible gun owners may end up being the Nat'l Rifle Association (NRA) itself. For the past 30 years it has turned into a conspiracy factory ginning up fear and paranoia among gun owners for the profit and gain of gun manufacturers. It's also been the most powerful lobbying presence in Congress.

- However post Sandy Hook feels like a paradigm shift or tipping point because the NRA will be going up against a much more powerful group: The Mom lobby. There's going to be a conversation about gun violence after this incident so the gun industry would be wise to choose their words and pick their battles very carefully, because now might be a good time to compromise on a few things. Finally to quote Dennis Miller: 'Of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong'

It Is Now Officially Impossible To Have An Affair - Remember when they said technology would make life less complicated and more simpler? Try telling that to Gen. David Petraeus who had to resign as head of the CIA over an affair which was discovered through what else? e-mail. When our head spy, the man in charge of keeping the nation's secrets can't even keep his own affair secret we can now pronounce 'in the 21st Century it is impossible to have an affair so let's not even try'. It also doesn't help when your lover (who is not your wife) threatens another woman (who also not your wife) because she's perceived as getting too friendly. Who would've thought a participant in an affair would lack self-control?

(Petraeus Flowchart if you need it)

FUN BONUS FACT - All things considered, Petraeus was doing a good job as CIA director and some thought he should not have to resign simply due to a sex scandal. If you want to know how uptight Americans are about sex, there is a legendary story among people in the intelligence community about the time the Soviets tried to blackmail a French Ambassador in Berlin, Germany during the Cold War. Presented with photos of himself in an compromising position during an affair, the French Ambassador was told to either spill sensitive information to the KGB or risk having the photos released to the French media and his wife. Without missing a beat, the Ambassador replies 'Well then I'll take one of these, and two of those. And send this one to the media, it has my good side.'

When Bad 'Reply All' Things Happens To Good People - Microsoft announced for its new e-mail package Outlook it will allow the option to disable the 'Reply All' button. This is welcome news to anyone in an office because nothing pisses off co-workers than getting 20 unwanted responses to an mass e-mail because people hit 'Reply All' instead of just 'Reply' to the original sender. It's also good news for an New York University (NYU) student who replying to an standard administration e-mail (RE:Opting Out of Your 1098T') about tax forms accidentally hit Reply All...as in all 39,979 NYU students.

In what became known around University circles as 'The Replyallcalypse' many of the other recipients decided to do what any college student with ample free time, beer, and keyboard would do..be a dick and hit Reply All to give their two cents. Replies varied from Nicolas Cage film clips, asking to borrow everything from movies, to pencils, to weed and finally ending in death threats to whomever Replied All again. It got so out of hand that NYU had to shut down their e-mail server until it could delete the Reply All responses and disable it from being used mass e-mails.

Now that Fantasy Football is over, it's time for an new fantasy league - I'd like to submit my idea for the Fantasy Celebrity Arrest League. A fun game adults and children can play and unlike football will last all year long! It works like this, you and your friends pick a starter celebrity like you would for various football positions from various categories of entertainment who are most likely to get arrested or do something stupid. When they do you earn points and whoever has the most points at the end of the year wins...absolutely nothing...except the glory of being able to predict human behavior. So here's how my fantasy celebrity roster would look like:

Actress: Amanda Bynes (back-up Lindsay Lohan)
Actor: Gary Busey (back-up Charlie Sheen)
Comedian: Katt Williams (back-up Andy Dick)
Singer: Chris Brown (back-up LeAnn Rimes)
Athlete: Ryan Leaf (back-up Pacman Jones)
Reality Star: Steve O from JackAss, (any cast member from Jersey Shore)
Team category: Real Housewives Of Orange County

Don't Look Now, But Nazism May Be Making a Comeback In Europe - Over in Greece which has been on the verge of economic collapse since financial crisis they recently had an election and a political party called the Golden Dawn won 7% of the popular vote. That normally would not be cause for concern except it would be the American equivalent of a Ku Klux Klan or Neo-Nazi Party winning 7% of Congressional seats. As documented in GQ by Chris Heath, when not running for election The Golden Dawn members in their free time enjoy the ethnic cleansing of various neighborhoods in Greek cities by burning down the homes of non-Greek immigrants and intimidating them to flee. Which is much like infamous Nazi 'brown shirts' or Sturmabteiling in who did the same to Jewish neighborhoods in pre-war Germany.

And here are some other disturbing similarities to Pre-War Germany:
- Golden Dawn attracts many young members where Greeks under 25 where unemployment is over 50%
- Their flag bears an eerie resemblance to the Nazi Schwastica
- Their growth feeds off the economic upheaval in Greece
- They like to scapegoat Greece's immigrant community for all the country's troubles
- Greece is not exactly known for political stability creating opportunity for fringe groups to seize power. If other parts of Europe go downhill economically like Greece this new strain of facism could spread like a virus.

Let's hope those who do not learn from history will not necessarily be able to repeat it

In Case You Did Not Already Hate that brat from 'Two And a Half Men' - August T. Jones the lucky little bastard child star chosen to play the half part in 'Two and Half Men' recently on Christian web video called his own show filth and implored people not to watch because it would corrupt their mind. Of course later after a talk from Uncle 'Charlie' about what happens when you bite the hand that feeds you, Jones quickly walked back his comments. Considering he makes $250,000 an episode to be the straight men to Ashton Kutcher's comedic genius (written with obvious sarcastic sneer) August Jones just showed why increasing taxes on Millionaires next year is politically expedient.

When Economists Have Too Much Time On Their Hands - A senior analyst from PNC Bank from actually sat down and calculated what it would cost to buy the items from 'The 12 Days of Christmas'. His estimated tally was $104,000 most of which could be attributed to the '5 Golden Rings' given the skyrocketing cost of gold. Other academics were quick to point out flaws in his study such as the '9 dancers dancing', is that regular folk dancers, or strippers? For the '8 Maids a Milking', is that regular cow milking or 8 prostitutes dressed a German farm girl to do some 'milking' (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). And would the '6 Swans a Swimming' include someone to clean up all the poop? And what in the hell exactly is a 'partridge in a pear tree?'

This really goes to show that in statistical modeling of price estimation, unexplained variance is a real bitch.

How The Roadrunner Explains the Obama's Re-Election - People of a certain age might remember the the Roadrunner cartoons from the Looney Tunes shows. This was where Wile E. Coyote was always trying to nab the swift, elusive Roadrunner for dinner and no matter how complicated or elaborate, the Roadrunner always managed to elude the traps erected for him and leaving it to blow up in the face of Wile and also helps explains the Obama victory over Romney.


Historically speaking it is very hard to unseat a sitting President running for re-election. Only three times in the last century has an once-elected President running for re-election (so not counting Ford) been denied a second term (Hoover '36, Carter '80, Bush Sr. '92). What all three had in common was a dismal Nat'l economy so it made sense to think Romney (Wiley E. Coyote) lying in wait with that giant boulder would roll right over an unsuspecting Obama (The Roadrunner). But instead election night Obama simply let the boulder wrap right around and crash back into Romney and his Billionaire backers. Here's why:

1.Money Can't Buy Elections - Republicans thought Citizens United court case which overturned campaign finance reform would allow them to use unlimited money mainly from Billionaires and corporations to buy themselves Congress and the White House. However, as blogger Gregg Easterbrook noted a candidate with good ideas and organization is far more potent than a blank check.

beep, beep

2.A little too cocky - Much like Coyote thinks his traps are foolproof, Karl Rove thought carpet bombing the airwaves in swing states would destroy Obama. Instead Rove failed to understand that in the era of the DVR, most people will fast-forward right through them because no one really watches TV in real time anymore. And those without DVR's simply drown out the commercials since they've become so bad they're almost self-parodies. Instead Obama put their money into grassroots organization and Get Out The Vote efforts which were the difference maker in Ohio, Florida, and Virginia.

beep, beep

3.Voter suppression blew up in their face - At the state level especially the swing ones like Pennsylvania and Florida, GOP passed voter ID laws thinking it would curtail minorities from voting because of flawed thinking that minorities were less likely to have driver's licenses. Instead this had the opposite effect, as it motivated minorities even more to vote, evidenced by people who waited 8 hours in minority areas of Miami essentially giving the middle finger to Florida Gov. Rick Scott. Meanwhile the voting bloc the GOP needed to vote, the elderly often had difficulty voting because many do not drive and no longer have licenses to show as ID.

beep, beep

4.Data Analysts outperformed political consultants - While Romney relied on expensive political consultants to craft negative TV advertising with outlandish themes. Obama had two secret weapons, data mining where you cull through millions and millions of consumer records to find trends and predictive modeling where you use those trends to design advertising to achieve maximum effect. The result is when Obama did do TV advertising it was brutally effective, like the one showing Romney singing 'America the Beautiful' embarrassingly offkey as a backdrop while facts about his record at Bain Capital which shipped tons of jobs overseas and hid money in the Caribbean scroll across the screen. Romney never recovered from that one

beep, beep

Keep your eye on the fiscal cliff negotiations and disregard what the pundits say on who won, who lost meme. Because most likely it will end with Obama telling House Republicans afterward...'beep, beep motherfuckers!'

Six Stats That Explain the 2012 election

Here are six quick hits I got out of the election and I'll keep it brief since most people like me are probably sick of it and ready to move on:

61% - That was the percentage of the White vote needed by Romney to win the election. When exit polls showed him only at 59% and having only 28% of the Latino vote I know he was toast. The GOP can no longer be the party catering to old white men.

18 - The number of female Senators that will be present when Congress convenes next January which represents the most ever in American history and spells beginning of the end of white male privilege in this country. I also believe having more women in the upper chamber may finally break partisan gridlock since women always seem to be more likely to collaborate.

67% - The number of single, unmarried women who voted for Obama and sent a very loud message to male lawmakers: We can govern our bodies without your help thank you very much. Republican Senate losses in Indiana, Missouri, and North Dakota which were supposed to be easy wins can all be attributed to their candidates extreme views on abortion and reproductive rights.

59% - The percentage of people aged 18 to 29 who voted for Obama. Chuck Todd NBC analyst noted 'this election all comes down to three things: demographics, demographics, demographics'. I normally think about 60% of what Chuck Todd says is complete garbage but as a demographer myself he is absolutely right. As mentioned above, when you factor in the Non-White gap, gender gap, and age gap the GOP is sitting on a demographic timebomb and in about 10 to 20 years time may find themselves going the way of the Whig Party.

32 - The number of consecutive Statewide ballot losses gay marriage equality proponents accumulated up until yesterday when Maine, Maryland, Washington affirmed gay marriage while Minnesota shot down a anti-gay marriage amendment. The tide has officially turned on marriage equality and in ten years Chick Fil'A will really wish they hadn't donated all that money to virulent Anti-Gay groups.

$6 Billion - The amount of money spent by outside groups (10 to 1 in favor of the GOP) on the election. What did that money buy: Loss in Presidential election and net loss of 3 Senate seats. You don't have to be a business person to know that a horrible return on investment. It's good to know money still can't buy you elections. Though it's still probably a good idea to get a Constitutional Amendment barring corporate influence in our electoral process.

How Hurricanes are Great for Brainstorming (A Few Lessons Learned from Sandy)

If you've ever dealt with a hurricane you know it can be the most excruciating 24 to 48 hours you'll ever experience. The sound of winds pounding your house and not knowing if the next gust of wind will be the one that peels back your roof, sends a tree through your house, or water through your basement. Whether if the power goes out how long will it take to come back on.

Thankfully we got through unscathed but many parts of the East Coast did not. That time period you spend in a hurricane can get you thinking about a lot of the important stuff. Like how could one storm knock entire region of the US on its ass. Here are some lessons learned:

Seaside Heights

Global Warming Is Real and it's Already Happening - Prior to Hurricane Irene last year it had been 60 years since the Northeast was hit with a major storm. And there was perhaps a false sense of security that hurricanes were about as rare to the actual Jersey shore as sobriety was to the cast of MTV's 'The Jersey Shore'. I won't get too climate wonky here but there were two things that essentially protected the Northeast from violent storms.

First, the ocean temperature around the Jersey shore/Northeast was colder than down South. While this didn't always make for good swimming, it did provide a barrier since hurricanes need warm water to thrive and most storms simply fizzled out before reaching the Big Apple much like Tim Tebow. Second, the jet stream was like a good wing man at the bar, always helping to deflect any problem storms out to sea and pawn them off to the unsuspecting Canadian Maritime provinces.

That's About Right

Now with ocean temperatures rising and melting arctic ice causing the jet stream to shift, those protections are now gone. While scientists, can't 100% prove it was global warming, 2 hurricanes in 2 years should lead to an obvious culprit.

Ronald Reagan might have been wrong - Just as they're no atheists in a foxhole, there really are no small Government libertarians in a natural disaster. While Reagan said the scariest phrase he ever heard was 'I'm from the Gov't and I'm here to help', these past few days these that phrase to many people meant lifesaving help was on the way. While a lot of things Federal and State Gov't do is debatable, disaster response and emergency management should not be one of them. Why having things like FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) is even controversial is beyond me. Every state in the Union is susceptible to some sort of natural disaster whether its tornadoes in the Midwest, Earthquakes on the West Coast, wildfires in Mountain West, or Texas in and of itself. No one is bigger than nature and I find it amusing all these rugged individualists are the first ones to complain when Gov't left them to their own devices and now find themselves in a World of s**t.

Helping evacuate including pets

Jersey City

Wouldn't It Be a Good Idea To Bury Powerlines? - Although the show 'Revolution' is riddled with more plotholes than swiss cheese, it's basic premise is correct that society without reliable electricity will inevitably collapse. So why not bury our powerlines like we do with water, gas, sewer, and cable lines? Much of the power outages are result of trees falling on power lines so why not just bury the powerlines if trees are around. Because of Sandy people are looking in upwards of a week or more without electricity, while a minor inconvenience for people who can't access internet porn. But for hospitals, schools, businesses, first responders, etc. electricity is kinda of needed.

The Power of Sharing

And while were' at it, why not completely revamp our National electricity grid seeing as it dates back to the 50's and is rapidly deteriorating and becoming obsolete. Or perhaps embrace alternate forms of energy like solar and wind. One thing that won't run out in a hurricane is wind powered electricity.

America needs to rediscover its love of civil engineering - Infrastructure isn't sexy. Does a politician score points with voters by saying they overhauled an old sewer system or built a new bridge to alleviate traffic? Nope but when we lose it or it suddenly fails (ie: St.Paul, MN bridge collapse, New Orleans levy failure, etc.) it becomes disastrous for everyone. Remember when we used to build great, cutting edge public works projects like bridges, tunnels, airports, mass transit, and the Interstate freeway system? This contributed to the common good by allowing easy flow of goods, people, and most importantly ideas between places. Yes, it cost money but in the end we all benefited because things like running water, sewers, and public transportation all contributed to increased quality of life.

Lower Manhattan Subway

While the Dutch may be more known for legalized weed, prostitution, and really good beer. It's their system of levies, canals, and dams which effectively tamed the North Sea that is a true engineering marvel. Notice the Dutch only fret about storm surges when they're being sarcastic about storm coverage in the US and stoned out of their gord: 'ohhh..noo...the water gonna get us (feigning panic)...quick get my clodhoppers...I may have to swim to the red light district! (to loads of laughter)....hey where'd my joint go?'

Since sea levels are expected to rise and it only took a nine foot wall of water to bring Lower Manhattan to its knees. Perhaps learning from the Dutch at how they planned Amsterdam, we can implement for New York, Atlantic City, and other low-lying shore points to prevent the flooding that occurred during Sandy.

Isn't it kinda of stupid to build luxury homes right on the beach? - The largest monetary damage to come from this storm will be all the luxury homes that have cluttered the entire Jersey shore and sit unoccupied for most of the year except summer to be rented out one week at a time at exorbitant prices (for contrast see Outer Banks, NC). These gawdy, overbuilt palaces often exceed $1 million dollars and now after Sandy are essentially floating in the bottom of the ocean or reduced to a large wood pile. Their owners will obviously want to rebuild but not by private insurance but using Federal disaster funds since most insurers figured out long ago homes built on a beach make really inviting targets for Mother Nature thus not wise to cover.

North Wildwood (or what's left of it)

But before that happens we have to utilize a concept called smart growth, where any new construction should be built in harmony with natural surroundings and sustainable which means stop building homes in low-lying flood prone areas. And if the real estate developers insist on having properties with a waterfront view, then create construction codes mandating it have certain amenities like being able to withstand 100mph plus winds and being elevated above any potential storm surge level. Oh yeah one other little thing, mandate owners of said homes must either have flood insurance or ability to pay for it out of pocket if destroyed. Because it not fair to taxpayers that they must now subsidize a beach house where a hotshot Wall Street exec can sneak off to snort coke off a hooker's ass while his wife tends to his real house in North Jersey or Long Island.

Long Beach Island

The human spirit is alive and well - While East Coasters are often stereotyped as being gruff, inpatient, and kinda dickish. It took me only one week after moving from Ohio to Philadelphia to learn that the stereotype was actually..well...sort of accurate. But this week for every story of heartbreak there's a story of people helping out their fellow humanity. Even as many areas are still without power, society has not descended into chaos with rioting and looting everywhere. Instead people have largely banded together to help each other get through these trying times.

If one thing this storm has taught all of us is that we are all in this together. And only by working together can we all survive and prosper as many instead of merely get by as an individual. Perhaps no greater example than the NICU nurses of NYU Hospital who when the power went out carried 20 sick babies down nine flights of stairs. Many of these babies were dependent on respirators so nurses manually supplied oxygen while huddling these babies in warm blankets down darkened stairwells and hallways to waiting ambulances and stayed with them until they reached safety at other hospitals.

NYU NICU Nurses

There are thousands of these stories like this around the Mid-Atlantic region. Many selfless heroes who when confronted with an unimaginable situation rose to the occasion for themselves and their fellow human beings. They say adversity doesn't build character it but instead reveals it. So I can proudly say my adopted home State of New Jersey has plenty of it.

If I moderated the Debate (Or 16 Questions That Should Have Been Asked but Weren't)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A Parent's Guide on Surviving Disney World (Without Losing Your Flipping Mind)

Let me start with just a little disclaimer. Prior to having kids, a trip to Disney World would describe my own personal version of Hell since it involved three things I cannot stand: crowds, lines, and canned entertainment. If I didn't have kids my preferred method of vacation would've been like my co-worker who took a three week Mediterranean cruise. But alas the role of parent often involves sacrificing what you want for the good of the whole family. Thus my plans for trips overseas and Caribbean cruises will for now have to be on hold.

Now first, the bad news - From the moment your child stumbles upon the Disney Channel resistance becomes futile. When a Disney character is your oldest daughter's first word (Eeyore) that trip to Disney World becomes inevitable. Because to deny them a trip to the happiest place on Earth will doom them to become outcast as weird among peers (What? You mean haven't been to Disney? Freak!') and adult resentment later on. And like Dante having navigate the 9 circles of Hell in The Divine Comedy, you as dutiful parent will have navigate the modern inferno that can be Disney World. Plus visit in the summertime and it will physically seem like you are in the depths of Hell. I don't mean just any heat, but the kind fused with humidity. The kind of stifling, soul-suffocating heat that would make camel beg for air-conditioning.


But here's the good news - It doesn't have to suck. Perhaps the greatest achievement of the evil genius that was Walt Disney is the park encapsulates the idealized childhood and there really is (and I hate how corny this sounds) something magical when experienced through the eyes of a child. When your kids enter this alternate universe you will see a joy and happiness normally only reserved for Christmas mornings and snowdays. And that joy can't help but rub off on you the parent. There's a reason why a trip to Disney World has become an American rite of passage, and the parents of today who first went when they were young now take their children.

So What's In It For Me? - The real payoff for parents when booking a Disney vacation is the capturing of your kids 'peak childhood'. That blissful state where kids are free to dream, fantasize, and albeit for one week or so live the ultimate childhood experience. And what you get as a reward is like a fossil preserved in amber, that piece of peak childhood preserved in photographs and memories. So that when the adolescent angst and puberty stage hits, you'll have a reminder that at one time they were sweet, innocent children. Which will be helpful in preventing possibly wanting to kill them after they wreck the car and run up 2,000 minutes on your cell phone plan.

For me 'peak childhood' came at age 10 during Spring Break of 4th grade, my parents took me on my own journey to the Disney World and looking back it was probably the funnest vacation I ever had with my parents. And now having been to Disney twice now with my own kids, the major benefit of going is remembering what it was like to be a kid. Before the Real World intruded and youthful dreaming gave way to cynicism. Now with all this in mind, here are a few tips that helped my wife and I survive the 'sometimes' happiest place on Earth:

1. Always Keep This In Mind - A trip to Disney is lot like a good Pixar movie in that works on two levels. On one hand its primarily aimed at kids who will derive the most enjoyment. On the other, there are plenty of winks and nods to adults that also make it enjoyable so go with an open mind.

2. When To Go - Like telling a good joke or diffusing a bomb, timing is everything. Summertime is the most convenient when kids are out of school but also when its the most crowded and expensive. If you can swing it aim for Fall between Labor Day and the Holidays or Winter between New Year's and Spring Break. Prices drop in half, lines are negligible, and the weather less brutal. In terms of age probably best to wait until kids are out of diapers, lest you want to deal with poo on a hot, Florida afternoon.

3. The Lodging - Disney has a huge offering on-site resorts and hotels grouped as luxury, moderate, and economy. All of them essentially have the same layout of hotel rooms spread out condo style, with a major hub in the middle, and a large, kid friendly pool. Each hub typically has a restaurant, food court, bar, store, and guest services. Since at Disney you'll mainly need a room to sleep and shower, the typical family probably only needs the moderate or economically priced resorts. If your staying off-site just remember prices go up peak season and when large conventions come to Orlando, snagging a hotel room can be downright impossible.

4. The Food - I recommend getting a meal-plan with your tickets which usually consist of 2 sit-down meals and 1 fast-serve meal a day plus 1 daily snack per ticket. It saves you tiem and from having to bring large amount of cash but...and this is a large very BUT: the quality significantly varies across restaurants. Thus you have a range of Excellent to well, meh. So ASAP after getting tickets, get online and research the restaurants that look the most promising ahead of time. Some in-park restaurants become completely booked months in advance.

For Fast-Serve, I recommend the Pecos Bill Tall Tale Inn in Frontiertown, if this place were in my neighborhood I'd be there at least once a week, which would not be a good thing for my cholesterol.

For sit-down dining, I highly recommend over in Epcot World Showcase, the Marrakesh inside Morocco. True story, the King of Morocco was so flattered his country was chosen to be represented in Epcot, he sends his personal chef over to Epcot to personally oversee the development of the menu and cooking standards at Marrakesh. So when you dine there, you literally dine like royalty.

5. The People - This can be most interesting along with the most infuriating aspect of visiting Disney. When in lines or on the bus around the park you'll meet people from all corners of the US and the globe. We met people from-away places like Scotland, Malaysia, Chile, South Africa, and Israel. Most of the visitors to Disney (we'll put it at about 98%) are friendly, agreeable, and often with small kids in tow here to simply have fun.

As for that other 2%, like any large gathering of people there will be those who bring about your inner psychopath. The biggest annoyance are the people who lack in any sense of spatial awareness and will cut right across you and your stroller or stop in the middle of a crowded sidewalk for no apparent reason what so ever. Forcing you to stop, or suddenly swerve around them since they are completely oblivious to everything around them. And then there are the (since this is a kid-rated blog) we'll call them @#$%^&*s. People both American and foreign for whom common courtesy is a alien concept.

No matter how maddening, resist having your Bruce Banner turn into the Incredible Hulk, and just let it go. And go forth confident in your own moral superiority

6. The Staff - What has set Disney World apart from the wanna-bes like Six Flags, Busch Gardens, etc. is the impeccable customer service. Out of possibly hundreds of encounters with staff over two visits, only once was someone rude. You'll wonder if they secretly put anti-depressants in the drinking water since everyone from the ride operators to the food staff to the janitorial staff is so friendly. You actually get spoiled because once back in the Real World you'll expect every cashier to smile and be delightful. That'll end real quick first time visiting a Starbucks or K-Mart upon your return.

7. The Transportation - If staying at a resort there are buses that shuttle to and from every park about every 20 minutes or so with average rides ranging from 10 to 15 minutes. Though it can vary so if planning on say being at Magic Kingdom at 9am, best to be at the resort bus stop by 8:15am. If staying off-site remember parking can be up to $20 a day. One note of caution if staying late night for a parade and fireworks, the wait for a bus back to your resort can be up to an hour (sometimes two in the Summer). If staying at the resort and not renting a car, take advantage of the bus ferrying people to and from the airport. They even handle your bags for you at baggage claim.

8.  The Weather - Seeing as its Florida and your basically in the middle of a swamp, there will always be the two bastard stepchildren of Mother Nature: heat and humidity. Can't escape it, so just drink water, lots of water, like a gallon of water. Also in the Summer, just as something stupid coming out of Lindsay Lohan's mouth occurs on a daily basis, so to does a brief mid-afternoon thunderstorm. So pack a poncho, and yes I know it looks dorky, but no one ever looks good in a poncho. Not even Kate Upton(well..maybe).

9. The Meltdowns - It will be inevitable at some point whether due to the heat, the lines, or being simply overwhelmed, your child will have a meltdown. Instead of going Joan Crawford with wire hangers, just calmly deal with it, and once peace has been restored, put a period and move on. A good idea we've found is at the midway point take a day-off and sleep-in, lounge around the pool, etc. Gives your feet a rest, gives everyone's nerves a rest, and allows for some decompression.

10. Getting Your Drink On - Unlike many top flight resorts, there is no all-inclusive drink package so getting sloshed can be very expensive. A regular bottle of Bud Light sells for $6.50 so best to bring your own supply. If you are going to drop a $100 on getting drunk, do it at Epcot's World Showcase. There are 11 nations represented each selling beer and wine native to their country. So you get Peroni in Italy, Sapporo in Japan, Bass Ale in Britian, Moosehead in Canada, and some unpronounceable beer with lots of consonants in Germany. But I remember it was good, real good. The kind they serve at Oktoberfest in Munich. The kind you'll be licking the beer stein for every last drop.

But take it easy since this trip is about family fun and probably with kids in tow someone has to be the responsible adult. You don't want to be the joke of the resort as did a middle-aged mother from Georgia who became that annoying 'WHOO! girl' we all knew in college after a couple of Smirnoffs.

11. The Lines - Depending on the ride and time of year, you can wait anywhere from 0 to 90 minutes for a ride. Luckily Disney has something called a FastPass, where you can pick a select time to go on a ride and then skip the line when your time arrives. However, you can only get one fast pass per ticket at a time, so like nuclear warheads, it must be used strategically. For whatever the reason the rides with longest lines while there were the old school rides like Peter Pan, Winnie the Poo, Dumbo, and the Teacup ride. My guess because these were rides little kids could go on combined with adult nostalgia. When we were there Space Mountain averaged only 20 minutes, but Peter Pan was usually over 70.

Rides worth a 60 minute wait:
Soarin', Mission Space (Epcot),
Space Mountain, Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger ride (Magic Kingdom)



Rides worth a Fast Pass:
Star Wars 3D Adventure, Toy Story arcade game (Hollywood Studios)
Splash Mountain, Thunder Mountain, It's Small World, any of the old-school kiddie rides (Magic Kingdom)
Mount Everest, Dinosaur Adventure (Animal Kingdom)


Rides not worth a second of anyone's time:
Michael Jackson Caption EO (yes, it's still there and yes unbelievably creepy after his recent history)

12. The characters - Best move to meet characters are the character meals where you can kill two birds with one stone. Parents can eat a meal in peace while knocking out several character meet and greets at one time. At both Epcot, MK, and select resorts Mickey and pals do breakfast, lunch, or dinner at different times and locations. If you have a daughter who likes princesses, go for Cinderella's Table (in the castle) where all the old-school princesses come around to each table. If you have boys who like the new-school Disney TV characters there is buffet style lunch in Hollywood Studios with Handy Manny, Agent Oso, etc.

But these character meals sell out months in advance so grab one ASAP after booking. Otherwise you'll have to wait in line sometimes for up to 45 minutes to meet just one character. And you don't need an efficiency expert to tell you that's valuable time wasted. Some characters only appear singularly but worth a wait in line which are Princess Tiana (in Colonial town), Merida (in entrance to Fantasyland), Jasmine (next to Aladdin Magic carpet ride), Mulan (in China at Epcot World showcase), and Tinkerbell (in Adventureland). Plus Hollywood Studios is the only park where you'll find all the Pixar characters.

13. Need to know how long a wait is or where character is appearing? There's an app for that! - Disney does have a cool application called Disney Mobile (no I'm not a paid celebrity endorser) that will tell you real time wait times for rides and times a character is appearing. Everyone else probably has it so no real advantage in getting somewhere first, but at least helps you plan your day. Like sparing having to walk all the way in the back for Thunder Mountain only to arrive and find its out of order, then you get mad, the kids start crying, and the day starts off on the wrong foot.

14. The Shows - Even if musical theater (much less community or high school theater) does not appeal to you some shows are actually pretty good and surprisingly entertaining. If anything they will get you a 20 - 30 minute respite in an air-conditioned theater.

Absolutely Must-See:
Lion King and Finding Nemo both in Animal Kingdom are Broadway quality with laughs for both kids and adults

Also worth your time:
Little Mermaid, Disney Junior, Beauty and the Beast (Hollywood Studios)
Monster Inc. Laugh Factory (MK)

Not actual Disney shows but potentially just as entertaining:
- Watching inebriated people at Germany's Oktoberfest beer garden in Epcot's World Showcase get completely gasfaced. There is something about Oktoberfest that brings out the happy drunk Kraut in all sorts of revelers ranging from college kids to grandmas.
- Marveling at the irony of people smoking cigarettes while complaining about how much walking they have to do.

15. The Money - One of the criticisms of Disney and I think its valid is everywhere you turn they are hawking and selling everything, specifically at the little ones. How clever of
Roy Disney Jr. to place themed souvenir shops at the exit of every big ride. Technically though you do not have to spend a dime other than price of admission if you don't want to. The key is to bring your own snacks, water, sunscreen, stroller, and baby supplies so you can avoid the price gauging inside. As for toys, one thing that worked for us, was each kid got $50, they could spend on anything but once that money was up, that was it.And if didn't like what they selected or saw something better, too bad. It actually can start the process of kids learning to be a discerning consumer.

One trend lately has been Disney pins, which are sold all over the park. There are now whole conventions dedicated around Disney pin swapping. And believe or not, early pins from the 80's are starting to creep to the $1,000 mark. (hello Pawn Stars)

16. So what if someone in my family or party is a complete sourpuss? - If the idea of having a good time rankles some people in your family. An alternate, fun game is called 'The hidden mickeys' because built into each of the parks and architecture are random mouse heads. You can have a contest amongst your group who can find the most hidden mickeys and should be of interest to someone who's not exactly happy at the happiest place on Earth. If actually wagering money on this game, you can cheat over at thehiddenmickeys.com.
 (photo of hidden mickey)
If all else fails simply pull them aside and calmly explain 'We're here to be happy, and if your not happy then please get happy. And if you can't get happy then just sit down and enjoy a nice cold, tall glass of SHUT THE @#$% UP!'

17. So what if someone in my family or party is handicapped or disabled? - One of the big strengths of Disney is they are very accommodating to people with disabilities. Everywhere in the park is wheelchair accessible and many places around Orlando rent scooters for people who are mobility limited and can be delivered right to your room. People with disabilities (and their companions) do not have wait in line for rides or shows as they get ushered right up to the front. Plus, all transportation throughout the parks are wheelchair accesible. But please don't be these people you see at Six Flags all the time who fake a handicap just to get on the rides without a wait. If you do then you really are a buttstain on the shorts of humanity.

18. Whatever You Do Please Don't Do This... - Be one of those families wearing all the same shirt announcing their arrival to Disney. I'm sure it's nice that Lofenburger family from Kenosha, Wisconsin consisting of PopPop, MeeMa, Joanie, Little Ricky, Big Eddie, SweetP, Bucky, Badger, BeckySue, LuAnn, and last but not least Frankie and Annette with their newly adopted twin sons, Aaron Rodgers, Jr. and Cheesehead have all made it to Disney. But honestly no one really cares.

19. It will be inevitable that... - After waiting a long time to go on that long anticipated ride and are now next to get on said ride. Your small child will inform that of course RIGHT NOW they have to go to the potty. Remember, pee early, pee often.

20. And if anything else, just remember this..... - You'll never get to see and do everything there is at Disney in one week. So have each family member make a Top 5 must-do/see/try list and if everyone got to cross off each item from their list then it was a successful trip. Also don't overplan to the point of even scheduling bathroom breaks at five minute intervals because God or fate or karmic energy likes laughing at those who come to Disney with detailed plans. Have structure to your trip but allow flexibility and spontaneity. You'll be surprised at how kids will have no interest in things you thought they would while totally into things you had no idea they would like.

(all photos from Yahoo Image Search or akwardfamilyphotos.com)