The Worst Christmas Songs, Statistics gets sexy, and Praise for Women with Curves

Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer shows us our grandparents were sort of dicks way back when - Surely if you have kids undoubtedly Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer will be in your future viewing this Christmas. A heartwarming tale of misfits and oddballs who find acceptance after rescuing Christmas. It also shows grownups were kinda dicks back in the day.

The 1964 stop gap animation is actually fairly subversive because it critically critiqued several norms that were prevalent at the times:

- Discrimination against appearance (Rudolph), gay people (Herbie), the disabled (the misfit toys), the eccentrics (Yukon Cornelius), hairy people (Abominable Snowman), and dentists (‘WHHAAATT! Herbie doesn’t want to make toys!!!)

- Mindless conformity (because you did not want to be one ‘THOSE’ elves)

- Women belong in the kitchen (the insinuation being a doe should sit on the sidelines during reindeer practice and bat her eyelashes to impress the boys and generally just keep her mouth shut)

Maybe it’s coincidence the film premiered right on the eve of the modern Civil rights movement, the hippie movement, and feminism all of which upended those societal norms a decade later, But it appears to at least hit the nail on the head that excluding people from contributing to society based on superficial differences is sort of stupid. Rudolph the RedNosed Reindeer civil rights trailblazer, who knew?

The 5 Worst Christmas Songs (My Definitive List) - A war on Christmas? Hardly. Considering most pop radio stations have been 24 hour Christmas songs since Halloween, I’d say Christmas has won. But after suffering through long car rides of what can be horrendous music (for the kids, you know) here is the definitive list of the all-time worst Christmas songs.

1.Grandma Got run Over By a Reindeer - Assuming your grandma is sweet as pie and you love your grandma, who would actually find this song endearing? So grandma drank too much eggnog, forgot to take her medication, stumbled out of her house drunk and got runover by reindeer. That’s nice. Sounds like a newswire that would come out of Florida, except instead of a reindeer, it would be a meth’d up tweeker who stole an 18 wheel semi-truck.

2. Christmas Shoes - Imagine a song so sappy, saccharine, and loaded with artificial flavoring of emotion that is causes you to succumb into a Diabetic coma. My hand cannot move to the dial fast enough.

3. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Great message to send to kids. Mommy having an affair with some guy in a Santa Claus suit.

4. Any Xmas song by the Jackson 5 - Given the family history, do we want to imagine what Christmas was like for the Jackson kids growing up? With Joe Sr. telling everyone to be merry or jolly in front of the microphones or there were going to be belt whippings afterward.

5. Any Xmas song by Frank Sinatra - Don't get me wrong I’m actually a huge fan of the rat pack and if I could go back in time I would see ol Blue Eyes holding court at the legendary Sands hotel in Vegas. But most of his Christmas songs were probably recorded at his Palm Springs home while some groupie was giving him a blow job.

Miley Cyrus should probably put her tongue back her mouth - Not to be a killjoy but here is a short list of diseases that can contracted by licking things courtesy of Jezebel


1.African Sleeping Sickness
2.Cholera
3.Hepatitis
4.Flu (regular or Swine)
5.Herpes
6.Measles
7.Yellow Fever
8.Dysentery
9.SARS
10.Bubonic plague

What happens when the worlds of porn and statistics collide? - You get the love child of this very awesome, insightful, albeit NSFW social science research (if at work get your boss button ready no nudity but some adult content)

Apparently in what might be the greatest job a research analyst can have, pornhub (think YouTube for adult videos) has hired a bunch of data geeks to crunch internet traffic numbers and provide some great data below.

Here are your key takeaways:
- Average time on the site was 10 minutes meaning people typically cut straight to chase as they logged on, got off and then actually logged off fairly quickly explaining the disappearance of storylines or dialogue from most adult movies nowadays.

- Heaviest users were in the South belying its reputation as the Bible Belt. I guess that belt gets used in other ways when not in church

- When breaking down the data by category, creampies (not the Little Debbie variety) were the porn genre preferred in the largest amount of states. Several states were into some kinky shit as Wyoming preferred ‘smoking’ videos, Kentucky loved ‘Hentai’, and Nevada preferring a specific porn star named Anita Queen

Top category viewed by State

- Porn use dropped significantly during the Holidays as Christmas caused 27% of Americans to zip up their pants. Globally porn use dropped 22% with UK feeling most guilty decreasing 32%. Though Japan could not be bothered with Christmas as their use increased 8%


- The introduction of the iPad increased porn site use by 9% in the US and 10% worldwide attributed to allowing users to sneak off to the bathroom during work and crank one out. One question remained was how do you masturbate with an iPad when you have to hold it with one hand while using the other to….. oh never mind. Perhaps Apple’s next greatest invention will be the iWank


A Children's Treasury of Passive Aggressiveness - It never really takes much effort to be an asshole, but there is something to be said for people strive to take it to the next level









In Praise of Women with Curves - Dear women, Men everywhere would like you to know we really wish you would stop obsessing over weight. We know thanks to some lunk named Maria Kang who recently gained infamy posting herself on Facebook all buff while basically fat shaming women everywhere with her 'What's Your Excuse' bullshit you might be feeling bad about yourself. But the silent majority of us who are not narcissistic would like you to know a few things:



1. Men who have grown mature and think independently know beauty comes in all colors, shapes and sizes - Sure back when puberty set in we looked at our Cindy Crawford/Alyssa Milano (or insert any pin up of the era) poster and thought we could never date anyone who wasn't supermodel worthy. Then when wisdom gradually replaced stupidity we learned about airbrushing and realized most of those posters and images of the perfect women depicted in the media were not real. So as we actually met and interacted with real girls we realized true beauty isn't reflected in a perfect face or size 0 waistline. Those of us who did manage to date one of the 'pretty' people soon realized personality ultimately matters because the 'pretty' people also tend to be the most boring. Ever wonder why guys could cheat on a supermodel? Because not even a pretty face on a skinny body can save a dull conversation.

2. During the Renaissance era, women who were curvy  and voluptuous were held as the ideal beauty depicted in an art movement called Rubenesque - Curves were coveted because they were seen as soft and feminine while a few extra pounds were seen as healthy and vital. So guys admiring curvy women are really adhering to a centuries old beauty standard.


3.Women with curves are awesome in bed - You read that right. We never understood guys who had a thing for the Olsen twins because you might as well be making love to a broomstick with a blond wig. Experienced men know you have not had awesome sex until you’ve been with an voluptuous woman who knew how to how use her curvy body to where they leave you speechless.

4.Guys have Weight Issues Too - Around oh say 30 the metabolism starts slowing and we see it in our waistline and cheeks, thus thoughtful guys also realize it just happens with age thus who are we to judge. So why should you worry about what we think? There can be thing of being too overweight but when guys exercise and diet it’s usually to get healthier, not to look good in a speedo.

5. Guys know diet and exercise is important, but so is having fun - So Mr.Buffguy Fitness Fanatic you work out 20 hours a week at the gym, carefully count your calories, and even weigh your feces (yes there are people who do this) to look like a modern day Adonis. Good for you! Who cares!
You can have that muscle milk, protein powder, super energy drink crap you drink 10 times a day (which in all honestly looks like gigantic glass of horse semen). The rest of us will head out to a good restaurant and have a good time our friends. Or spend time with our kids. Or have a life. See you at the gym Monday morning.

6. There is no trait more unattractive in a woman than one who is judgmental - Used to be my rule on a first date was how a woman treated waiters, servers, etc other people often was deal breaker or maker for a next date because that gave a big insight into their personality. Women who criticize other women are vain, petty, and superficial making a huge turn-off to normal guys. Men who date and marry shallow women are usually vain, petty, and superficial themselves (see Heidi and Spencer) and sadly procreate a subrace of human assholes.

7. True gentlemen can’t stand people who fat shame and judge, especially from our own gender - Because men who achieve tangible success in life don’t need to put down other people to make themselves feel better. Successful men don’t go on the internet to insult or harass women about their weight or looks. The strain of vile DNA that explains all internet trolls is they are emotionally retarded adults whose maturity stunted somewhere in grade school. Think about how pathetic it is that a grown man has to insult people to make himself feel better because they have nothing in life to be proud of.
 
It’s almost comical that many men who fat shame women are extremely unattractive themselves. The irony is that in the same vain many vile homophobes are actually self-hating, closeted homosexuals, many of the male fat shamers are overweight or obese themselves. So calling women fat somehow makes it in their own mind that they are not fat.

In short to all women who may feel bad about their waistline: Just be sexy, be fabulous, be confident, be you. Consequently good and honest people will naturally gravitate to you!

The 2013 ROSSY AWARDS

The Rossy awards started in college by my fraternity where we awarded the best of drunkenness, stupidity, and debauchery amongst each other for that school year. Once maturity set in and we no longer made jackassess out of ourselves, I started handing out awards on a more global scale.

Best Law Enforcement Moment Not Captured on the TV show 'Cops' - A 54 year old man in Orlando, FL called police to report a home burglary and when officers arrived they asked if they could look around the house to make sure everything was secure. The owner replied ‘sure’ and it was mundane police work until officers discovered a bedroom with 110 marijuana plants worth a $44,000 street value.

My advice regarding drug dealing is first off avoid getting into drug dealing, but if you do grow marijuana in your house practice something called WWWWD (What Would Walter White Do). So the answer to the question ‘May we search the premises?’ is not ‘Sure’. Actually I’m pretty sure if your growing marijuana in your house I don’t think you call the cops period. No actually I’m thinking if you are growing marijuana you’d probably want a secret location, hidden away from people where you can disavow any knowledge of it to the cops should they discover it, claiming you’re not sure how marijuana plants got in your paprika field. But maybe I’m just overthinking it.

The Silvio Burlusconi Award for the best in politician hootenanny - Carlos Rodriguez Andino, the Honduran ambassador to Colombia was recalled after having prostitutes at an official Christmas party in Bogota. Ambassador Andino seriously put the ‘Ho,Ho,Ho’ into the party as it essentially devolved into a large orgy. But that’s was not even highlight of the party.

After things were said and done, Ambassador Andino apparently short on cash decided to stiff the night’s entertainment, causing them to steal computers and telephones in retaliation before leaving the embassy. But the final straw for Honduran Foreign Minister may have been the cleaning bill for removing human feces from a conference room resulting from one of the party goers requesting a ‘Cleveland Steamer’.

Best Moment of Ignoring a 'Do Not Touch' sign - A 23 year old women cleaning out a commuter train in Stockholm, Sweden decided to take a break and take the train for a little spin. The joyride on the choo-choo train went well for about 1.6 kilometers until a pesky 3-story apartment building sort of got in the way. Thankfully no one was hurt though when asked by authorities the response for why she touched it was Swedish interpretation of ‘Uh..I dunno’


Best Moment in Drunken Hookup Failure - Police in Manatee, FL were called to a domestic disturbance and found the 52 year female old homeowner beating up her 32 year old boyfriend because he was bad at oral sex while they were doing a ‘69’. Officers advised the young man moving forward to use his fingers, varying his tongue rhythm and paying attention to the ‘little man in the boat’ would produce the desired effect in any future 69 sessions.


Fly the Friendly Skies Award - In European circles if there is one country that knows how to party while on vacation, it’s the UK. Two middle aged British women kept that tradition strong by consuming an entire bottle of Malibu rum on a British Airways flight from London-Gatwick to Tunisia. While getting in the celebratory mood, the ladies were warned for smoking in the lavatory and calling several small children ‘little shits’.

At some point when the flight was crossing over France, the two ladies felt being the classy broads they are, surely the pilots would enjoy their company and subsequently tried to force their way into the cockpit. That sentiment went over about as well as someone eating Taco Bell then having explosive diarrhea in first class and subsequently forced the plane to land in Lyon, France. Both ladies were sent back to the UK presumably to spend the rest of their vacation in a kiddie pool in their backyard.

The Porn Industry Customer Appreciation Award - This year we have a tie as the Rossy committee was unable to pick a winner from two very distinguished, well deserving gentlemen.

First, we award 53 year old Willie Merriweather who while interviewing for a job with a temp agency in Aiken, SC was arrested for indecent exposure when he decided to whip out little Willie and start masturbating…..during the interview. When questioned by police Big Willie claimed he forgot to zip his pants and that little Willie must have fallen out by mistake.

Second, a 69 year old man in Wildwood, FL was arrested for masturbating while ordering at the McDonald’s drive thru and picking up his food while in the act. Police would not elaborate as to whether the man’s was putting on his own brand of mayonnaise.

The Cheech and Chong Award - Two brothers in Wichita, KS decided to celebrate winning a $75,000 lottery ticket by getting stoned out of their skull and in the process blowing up their house. According to firefighters both brothers were using a butane torch to light their bong, since an epic occasion like winning the lottery requires more than using an ordinary BIC lighter. When they went to refuel the butane tank in the kitchen neither of them noticed a small gas leak emanating from the pilot light of the stove.


In what might be the understatement of the year, a neighbor described what happened next as saying the house just went ‘Ka-boom!’ Amazingly both brothers were relatively unscathed and managed to keep the bong intact. And they still have $75,000 to go towards a new house, and most importantly a new butane torch.

Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated stupidity - A 50 year old man in Palm Beach, FL suffered major burns after accidentally setting himself on fire instead of the six foot tall wooden cross he was going to light ablaze as a Halloween prank. Most people would stop after asking themselves ‘Is setting a cross on fire reminiscent of the KKK and possibly being construed as offensive really a good idea?’

Having answered in the affirmative the next question was ‘Should I exercise some caution as I stand in close proximity to a large combustible substance like wood which I’ve doused with an accelerant like gasoline when introducing an open flame?’ Unfortunately the answer was a negative and said gentleman earned an overnight trip to a burn unit. The lesson kids is if something seems like a bad idea at first glance, it probably is a bad idea.

The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence - It was a banner year for the University of Iowa. First, it was named by the US News and World Report as the top college party school in America. Now it can claim a prestigious Rossy to cap off a banner year!

A mathematics graduate assistant at the University of Iowa had the best moment of a horrifying ‘Oh Shit!’ moment when she accidentally posted homemade porn made with her boyfriend instead of the week’s homework assignment to a class intranet portal. Instead of practicing Pythagorian theorem or complex calculus equations, students got a tutorial on carnal knowledge. However, luckily for the grad student, she was allowed to stay on at the university after administrators called it a teachable moment. When asked for a comment, many of her Math 101 students at their dorms replied ‘Whaa..I’m sorry were you asking me something…I’m a little distracted?’


The Happy Hour Lasted an Hour Too Long Award - Major General Michael Carey of the US Air Force was relieved of his command after a 48 hour bender in Moscow in what was supposed to be a joint military exercise with the Russian army. A 42 page internal Pentagon report highlighted some of the good times had by the General:

- The fun started during a layover at the Zurich airport that Friday where the General spent a 2 hour delay getting plastered at a cocktail lounge. Then returned to the gate and upon hearing further delays became verbally abusive and tried to play the ‘Do you know who I’am card’

- When finally arriving at the banquet that night was so drunk he slurred his speech and could barely stand upright. At said reception the General was observed drinking at least half a dozen 8 ounce shots of vodka and finishing off the glasses of as many as 12 other people.

- The following Saturday morning when touring an historic old Russian Orthodox church, greeted the priest with a fistbump. Also made or may not have urinated outside on the church.

-  In the afternoon when walking through Red Square was reportedly too drunk to walk on his own power and needed assistance.

- That night at dinner at a local Mexican restaurant he was thrown out after trying to bum rush the stage and sing with a mariachi band that was the night’s entertainment. Afterward at the hotel lobby was seen with 2 alleged prostitutes and subsequently disappeared with them until it was time to leave that Monday morning.

The last part might be a little problematic for the General as the two ladies in question may or may not have been Russian intelligence agents. And the General may or may not have revealed secrets related to his position, namely in charge of the North American inter-continental ballistic missiles or better known as nuclear warheads. The absolute topper was at a investigative hearing afterward the General’s response literally was ‘what’s the big fucking deal?’ While he may no longer oversee the nation’s nuclear arsenal, the Rossy commitee salutes the Major General Carey for making the most of Miller time!

The Biggest, Most Massive Twitter #FAIL of the Year - This easily is the most competitive Rossy category as each year hundreds of millions of Twitter users, pollute the internet with an endless stream of verbal brain droppings. How do you sort through a reservoir of putrid, raw mental sewage to find that absolute gem of a Tweet that confirms the human race is probably doomed? Well this year Rossy committee looked for a combination of vapidity, stupidity, and utter lack of self-awareness personified in one 140 character tweet. Thankfully Paris Hilton did not disappoint

Just watched #12YearsASlave. It made me so sad, angry & disgusted that people could ever treat others in such a horrible way. :( #SoWrong
4:54 AM - 6 Nov 2013

We assume her reaction would not be surprised had she ever say opened a history book or actually paid attention in history class. One can only imagine her reaction to watching Schindler’s List

BONUS Twitter Award Best Tweet We Wish Were Real - The Rossy committee could not confirm the authenticity of this Kylie Jenner tweet sent this past March. However if real it meant she not only had the greatest Internet moment but basically won everything in 2013



The Internet Troll Award for best (we mean really worst) user comment - 

Scrolling through the user comments of any online story is essentially like crawling through the opening of the port-a-potty. Here is where the most vile and wretched of the Internet lives. The Rossy committee would like to introduce a new award to recognize those gems that stood out from the rest, the white piece of toilet paper that managed to stand out in a sea of blue colored deodorizing darkness.

This year’s winner is user ‘50ShadesofJimGrey’ on deadspin.com who on a post about Connally High School of Austin, Texas which won a football game 91-15 posted this:

More impressive is that Connally did it with a shattered wrist, as telestrated here.

BOOM! Anyone who can work in a tastefully offensive joke about the Kennedy assassination with seemingly innocuous high school story has obviously set the bar.

Karma Is A Bitch Award - 
According to a post on reddit.com, a cheating husband was outed after the hotel he was using for his affair decided to mail a survey about his experience to his home. Presumably based on the feedback sent back to the hotel posted below, the wife received said survey and probably wondered ‘Wait a minute we never stayed at a hotel, unless….’

No word on whether the survey indicated any feedback on the continental breakfast, cleanliness of the sheets, or the fragrance of the freebie shampoo. We’re guessing the husband was a little too busy to notice.

The Charlie Sheen Award for epic achievement in partying - If you think of Canada as a genteel place of peace and harmony populated by the World’s most polite and pleasant people. Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto would like to dispel some myths. Most parties rage for several hours, maybe a day, maybe a weekend, maybe a week at the most. For the good people of Toronto, North America’s fourth largest city, there ain’t no party like a Rob Ford party because a Rob Ford party don’t ever stop!

Allow the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation to walk us through the epic year of Mayor Ford:
February 23 - Asked to leave the Garrison Ball (Canadian version of Nat’l Guard) after becoming too intoxicated to stand on his own

March 7 - At the Canadian Jewish Political Affairs committee allegedly spotted snorting cocaine and groping Sarah Thompson, editor of newspaper Female Post

April 20 - Mayor Ford’s cell phone goes missing and found in the hands of a member of the Dixon Bloods, a growing nuisance in Toronto for drug dealing and illegal weapons.

May 16 - The answer to ‘Why did a drug dealer have Mayor Ford’s phone?’ is answered when rumors of a cell phone video of Mayor Rob smoking crack-cocaine with members of the Dixon bloods begin to surface. Most politicians at this point would resign in disgrace, but not Mayor Rob because he was just getting started.

June 17 - A drunken Mayor Rob again makes a spectacle of himself at the Little Italy street fair, where he manages to have a good time chatting up the ladies resulting in a 31 year old woman to throw her drink at him.

August 10 - A visibly intoxicated Mayor Rob shows up at the Danforth Festival where slurs his words and eventually has to be helped back to his home by police. When asked how got there he said ‘he drove himself, of course’

August 23 - Has an arm-wrestling match with Hulk Hogan and wins

October 30 - Ford’s driver and friend Alexander Lisi is charged with selling marijuana, but also reveled that his boss Mayor Rob was also under police surveillance and among the items noted in the report was Mayor Rob was seen smoking weed, doing heroin, consorting with known gang members, public intoxication and frequent public urination

November 5 - Toronto police confirm the existence of the cell phone video of Mayor Rob smoking crack cocaine with gang members. Mayor Rob response was the most ho-hum admission of large city mayor using crack cocaine ever. We’re paraphrasing here but basically it was  ‘Yeah I probably tried in a drunken stupor, and it’s was alright but nothing to write home about. I’m not addict or anything. Anyway moving on’

November 13 - Answering charges that he made sexual advances toward former staff member replied with ‘The woman said I wanted to eat her p—y, I’ve never said that in my life to her. I would never do that. I’m happily married. I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.’ marking the first time probably ever a major Canadian politician mentioned the act of cunnilingus while referencing his wife in the same sentence.

December 19 - On a Washington D.C. radio show Mayor Rob doled out this Christmas advice for husbands everywhere “Just money. Women love money. Give them a couple of thousand bucks and they’re happy. Get some treats on the side obviously for her,” he said. “At the end of the day, she wants her cash. So I give her a nice cheque and we’re all happy.”

So concludes the epic party that was the honorable mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford. Or as Charlie Sheen would say…


The Coitus Interruptus Award - A couple in Upper Darby, PA on a nice Spring day decided to end a leisurely stroll in a local park by having some 'afternoon delight' on a picnic table. Unfortunately that day was also scheduled in the park was a joint training exercise with over 40 bicycle cops from the around the Philadelphia region. The day's training session was focused on protecting parks and open spaces, and it got a little interactive when they rounded a corner and found the couple doing it. Needless to say the couple was charged with indecent exposure and the cops spared from a day of boredom.



The Do It Yourself Home Improvement Award - A Fargo, ND man was arrested for reckless endangerment and illegal use of a high powered fire breathing weapon after using a flame thrower as an alternative to shoveling for snow removal. Most men only dream about using some sort fire wielding incendiary device but our man made dreams become reality. Also this gentleman wins perhaps the greatest quote of 2013. When asked by the local Fox affiliate for why a flame thrower replied 'fed up with battling the elements and did not possess the willpower needed to remove four billion tons of white bullshit'


Best Moment of Workplace Ooops! - A court in Hesse, Germany ordered an unnamed bank to reinstate a clerk who fell asleep while manually transferring funds with his finger was on the 2 key. The result was he accidentally transferred 222,222,222.22 Euros (equivalent to $295,133,133 American dollars) into the wrong account. Originally he was only supposed to only put 62.30 Euros. For a brief moment a German pensioner got the shock of a lifetime thinking they were rich until bank supervisors discovered the error leaving them to utter whatever the German word is for ‘DOWT!’


And finally we move on to our most prestigious award along with a very, super duper special lifetime achievement award!

The 2013 Rossy Awards Hall of Fame Inductee - There's no boredom quite like that of a business trip. Especially the boredom of being stuck in hotel for hours on end. This fall a man from Sheffield, England who traveled to London for a used car deal found a way to deal with the boredom. From the wire reports:

Joseph Small, while staying at London’s Premier Inn Leicester Square, was observed in the hallway naked, vigorously masturbating, with the hose of an fire extinguisher was inserted into his anus. Upon being restrained by staff and police, he called an officer a pedophile and shouted racist remarks to a hotel employee — and urinated twice on the floor. He was fined 1,200 pounds for the night of mayhem.

 

Congrats to Mr.Small who now joins a distinguished ring of honor:
2012 - Man dressed as Grinch tells children at Christmas festival in Canada there is no Santa Claus
2011 - Charlie Sheen for WINNING
2010 - Man who masturbated to a Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit issue in the magazine aisle at Wal-Mart in Florida.
2009 - Man in Cairns, Australia who broke into sex shops and ‘utilized’ sex dolls then put them back in the box
2008 - Ernest Borgnine who told Fox and Friends on live television the secret to longevity was masturbating a lot.
2007 - A man angry about in-flight service on American Airlines defecates on a beverage cart
2006 - A man in Croatia burns down house because he doesn’t want to have sex with his wife

The Rossy Awards Lifetime Achievement Award - This year the Rossy Committee would like to honor the State of Florida for providing the Rossys a nearly endless supply of award fodder. A close friend of the Rossy committee named Damian sums up perfectly our honorary recipient ‘People often ask me why I would leave Florida for St.Louis. Well it’s because I wanted to be around normal people’


Over the years the Rossy Committee has noticed that an inordinate amount of awards seem to always originate from Florida. So far this year the Sunshine state has managed to snag four coveted Rossys already. Chances are if there news items involving something extremely stupid or weird human nature it began with the tag line 'A Florida man...' or 'A Florida woman...' or 'In (blank), Florida....' Because there was not enough space all of achievements we outline some of the reasons 2013 was so Floridaesque:

- Eight Florida fathers were charged with leaving their children in the car unattended while they went to a strip club. (to clarify, on EIGHT SEPARATE occasions in Florida men LEFT THEIR CHILDREN in the car to go to a strip club)

- Numerous bank robberies by people dressed as either fictional characters (Santa Claus, Darth Vader) or real historical figures (Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln)

- A man was accidentally shot in the leg by his dog

- A 19 year old thief was arrested and charged with 142 felonies (and counting) after showing off $250,000 in stolen loot on his Instagram account

- A Florida man arrested for trying to trade an alligator for a 12 pack of beer

- A Florida man impersonating a cop accidentally pulls over real cop

- A Florida woman threatens to shoot Wal-Mart employee over a price of a skateboard

- Florida Wal-Mart employee arrested for shooting up another employee's car because he was jealous they won employee of month

- Florida Man Huffs Compressed Air While Driving Home from Wal-Mart, Crashes Into Three Parked Cars
(Travel Pro Tip: If in Florida, stay away from Wal-Marts)

You get the picture. There may need to be a whole separate Rossy awards just for Florida or you can check out buzzfeed’s list
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-40-most-insane-things-that-happened-this-year-in-florida?bftw

A Non-Nerd Guide to the NSA Surveillance Program (or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Data Mining)

This summer the world was wracked when Edward Snowden dropped the bombshell that the US Gov't had and was using the ability to intercept and eavesdrop electronic communication that flows through American telecom companies. It literally sounded like something out of George Orwell's 1984 as an all seeing, all-knowing Govt entity that could literally spy on American lives left many people creeped out. But on the flip side was also acknowledgement that terrorists love to use e-mail, internet chat, and cell phones to plan attacks and that this program with proper oversight could be a useful tool in preventing another 9-11 type attack.

So with these conflicting views how should we feel about this program? Well since the NSA Surveillance program happens coincide with one of my specialties data analysis, so let me walk you through it so you can at least feel confident to make up your own mind. If all else you'll at least be armed with knowledge to enhance your party conversation skills or argue with your curmudgeon uncle over Thanksgiving dinner.

Okay hotshot what makes you an expert? Technically I'm not a statistician (no Ph.D) but I play one on TV and for my employer (Hint its a health insurance company with a big blue cross and a big blue shield). But before you can use statistics you have to understand data which is the key to understanding what the NSA is doing.

So what the hell is the NSA doing? During the Iraq War in 2005 when the US military was being inundated with insurgent attacks, NSA director Keith B.Alexander started the Real Time Regional Gateway electronic surveillance program which collected and analyzed electronic communication of Iraq insurgents to eavesdrop on their activities. To do this they collected and stored ALL electronic communication from our telecoms and social network providers since much of Iraq's communication at the time had to flow through American and European owned channels. Nothing excites intelligence agencies than listening in on people, the program eventually grew into something called PRISM, a clandestine mass electronic surveillance data mining program known to have been operated by the NSA since 2007.

Now the program has two parts, the ability to actually eavesdrop and listen to phone conversations or social media chats which the NSA can do to American citizens with known foreign contacts already under suspicion for up to a week without a warrant. After which they would need a warrant from something called a FISA Court (Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act). So technically the Gov't needs permission but what's up for debate is how faithful and adherent these FISA courts, and intelligence agencies are to the actual letter of the law. However since nearly a billion new electronic records are created every day there is no way for any individual agency to sift each and every new record. So they need the help of technology.

So the second part is using PRISM which performs data mining to cull through collectively several trillion records and use a statistical technique called predictive modeling to find a literal needle in the haystack of a potential terrorist. This part is actually the key to understanding how the NSA targets or selects people for electronic surveillance and what I'm going to help explain. In all likelihood the average American is not being eavesdropped on because let's face it, most of us live boring lives. So that occasional porn, facebook stalking, or online googling of Selena Gomez that makes men feel sorta dirty afterward is in all likelihood not going to have the NSA checking in on us. But we should at least be diligent and demand from our Gov't that its use isn't falling outside legal boundaries.

Did you say Trillions of records..with a T? Yes. We are now in the era of what's called 'Big Data'. Every time you use your cell phone, browse the internet, or send e-mail, you leave a data point. Over time a heavy internet or phone user will create thousands and thousands data points. All of which your friendly, reputable telecomm provider, social media site, etc accumulates and thanks to the Protect America Act of 2007 can provide to the NSA without a warrant. Well technically they need a warrant through a top secret court called FISA and thankfully the Bush administration's faithful adherence to the Constitution...well who are we kidding let's just assume they can touch everything.

Where did they get this idea? Predictive modeling has been around for at least 20 years and used for analyzing all sorts of human behavior and  in my line of work its used as an epidemiological tool to find segments of our insurance members who are at risk to get ill and run up huge medical bills. The goal for the model is for the company to intervene high risk members and try to get them healthier before they end up in the hospital. It's most frequently used by corporations in marketing to predict which people would be most likely to respond to a advertising or sales campaign. Whenever you use a credit card, use a shopper's reward card, like something on facebook, or tweet about it, you give marketers valuable information to try to analyze your behavior and preferences to predict your consumer decisions. For example Target found women who bought 13 household items in combination accurately predicted them likely to be 1 to 3 months pregnant thus best
 candidates to send baby catalogs and steer them away from Babies R Us or other maternity stores.

So borrowing this idea the NSA created PRISM to mine through the electronic records and find people who may be fitting the profile of a threat and pass them along to electronic surveillance for a little closer look. Certain red flags like the Arab gentleman discussing purchasing the one way airline ticket, or Neo Nazi who looks to be increasingly going off the rails, or an MTV reality star announcing on Twitter they're releasing a music album will probably land on the NSA eavesdroppers inbox.

So how does it work? Any predictive model is built on data with the key assumption that the past will help predict the future. You develop a model by performing data mining to find two things: the significant predictor variables of an event which are X, and the probability of an event occurring which is Y. You build your model based on past events from X with the assumption they can predict Y in the future.

So how do we know it works? The performance any predictive model can be measured and evaluated. To be considered a legit or working predictive model at a bare minimum has to meet several criteria listed below. With that in mind here are FIVE things the NSA must demonstrate to justify their use of snooping of our internet data. Ideally if our Congresspeople actually were smart and diligent in their role of oversight (Michele Bachman is retiring so there is hope) they would demand NSA prove they meet the following criteria before allowing this program to proceed:

1.Accuracy Rate = Simply put its the number of people correctly predicted Y divided by the total number we originally predicted Y. Marketers sometimes only need an accuracy rate of 5% to be successful. Most direct mail marketing only needs be accurate 2% of the time. Telemarketing only 5 to 10%. Say Toyota buys 30 seconds of TV advertising chunks on History Channel to reach the 18-34 male demo who would most likely buy a pickup truck. Do you need all 3 million people watching Pawn Stars to buy a truck? Nope just a small fraction. If Toyota gains 20,000 new truck owners to get a positive return on investment then advertising to 3 million than accuracy rate of .006% is worth it.


But when talking about predicting criminal behavior and placing someone under suspicion that accuracy rate should be much higher. For the NSA what is your accuracy rate?

2. Validity = This answers how well does my predictive model actually measure the behavior I'm trying to predict. Or in other words how well does my model catch terrorist activity. One way to measure is rule out spurious correlation. For instance did you know an increase in ice cream sales strongly correlates to increase in shark attacks. So should we interpret this as the need to limit sales of ice cream? Nope because what they both have in common is they occur in summertime. And unless you factored that into your model it would be worthless. So how does the NSA know PRISM is valid?

3. Reliability = This answers does my model provide the same results and accuracy when measured over different periods of time and with different data? We do this to rule out something called overfitting. This is when the model become biased on a small set of predictors so a set X variables are good for one dataset but can't be replicated to any others. This often happens when trying to measure something very rare, such as someone being a terrorist or a drug dealer.

So for instance if you wanted to predict the Boston Marathon bombings happening again, significant predictors would include being a young Chechen male who buys a backpack, and a pressure cooker right before a marathon. But those characteristics were unique to the Boston bombings and not much use because in the real world terrorists can come from anywhere with variety of ideas for attacks. Invariably results of the model would be flawed because you would snag a lot of Chechen males who bought backpacks and pressure cookers...because they were probably going camping.

4. False Positives = How do you handle people who are false positives in other words predicted to be positive for Y but they really weren't.Every day you are a false positive and don't even realize it. Every time you throw away a piece of junk mail or hang up on a telemarketer, or skip an internet ad you become a false positive. Some predictive algorithm by some Marketing firm predicted you the right person to advertise whatever to you and you declined or ignored it. In normal cases there are no negative consequences to the average individual because the cost is borne by the company doing the advertising. So when Target sends you a baby catalog but you are not pregnant nor planning on it you simply throw it in the trash. The only loss incurred is to Target for however much postage it spent to send the catalogs.

But what if someone is predicted to be a terrorist but they're really not? What happens to them and what protections are they afforded? Does guilty until proven innocent still apply? A long time ago the FBI kept a secret list of people who checked out flagged books at the library. Things like how to construct a bomb or Adolf Hitler's Mein Kompf would get you on the list. Legend has it back in the 1980's a man named Tom Clancy was visited by FBI agents after data showed he checked a large number of books revolving around nuclear submarine technology and Naval submarine warfare.

The result of the investigation showed Clancy was not a saboteur for the Soviets but instead was a writer collecting information for a submarine thriller story he was writing. That story that would be titled 'The Hunt for Red October' and make Clancy a bestselling author. The main problem is people search the internet for a variety of things, sometimes malicious but a lot of times for knowledge or information. How can the NSA tell whether a college student named Muhammed is researching biological warfare because he's terrorist or because he's write a research paper for class? How can the NSA tell that whether a post on facebook 'I just wanna blow up the World' is a signal launch an attack or just a bad day at work?

5. Peer Review = Having another set of eyes on your model and getting feedback for improvement. If someone were to ask my opinion (that would be an ego boost) I would note a very small, miniature, teensy, but possibly very humongous, large flaw in the NSA's PRISM technology. Predictive modeling assumes the human behavior being studied is normal behavior that will be often repeated again in the future. Which is why it works for everything from marketing, to customer service, to online dating, etc. But the problem is terrorism or any criminality for that matter isn't normal human behavior.

Instead it can be thought of more in terms of a virus or bacteria that constantly mutates and changes in response to the body's immune system or antibiotics. Similarly terrorists will change and adapt their tactics to evade notice meaning yesterdays terrorist attack most likely won't be repeated tomorrow because law enforcement is now looking for it. Thus predictive modeling as the NSA uses it now may not be effective. So instead the NSA may well be better suited to borrow models from Biostatistics which predict how and possibly when mutations in viruses and bacteria will occur. This would better answer what would be a terrorists next step assuming they won't repeat the past.

Now for a few more questions
Is This Legal? Funny you should ask because a lot people are asking that as well. And the answer will most likely come from the Supreme Court in a few years as to whether it violates the US Constitution Fourth Amendment which prohibits any unreasonable search or seizure without probable cause and a warrant. Meanwhile some in Congress are not waiting for the issue to make it's way through the courts as Sen.Rand Paul (R-Kentucky; the slightly less paranoid, bat shit crazy version of his father Ron) has proposed a bill to limit the NSA's surveillance program.

Edward Snowden had a hot, stripper girlfriend. Does that mean I should be a data analyst to land a stripper? Snowden is what statisticians call an anomaly or outlier, an observation way outside mean distribution such that it skews the results. Because if you were ask a 100 male data analysts if they're girlfriend was a stripper, probably 100 would reply 'Girls? You mean real ones? Like actually talk to them?' Past research shows strippers are attracted large, shiny objects and large amounts of money.


Edward Snowden was going to get asylum in Ecuador. How would you rate his choice? Ecuador has it all for the Int'l fugitive on the run. Jungles, mountains, beaches, Inca ruins, the Galapagos islands. I give him props for good taste in travel.

Miley Cyrus, An Epic Obiturary and Cats Secretly Want To Kill Us

Apparently there's something called Twerking - At this year's MTV Music Awards the definite lowlight (because usually there are no redeeming highlights with the VMAs) was Miley Cyrus dry humping Robin Thicke and giving fellatio to a foam finger. Naturally this gave way to episodic fit of pearl clutching and gasping in shock as Americans asked how in the hell did uber boring mench Alan Thicke birth such a cool kid..urr..has America gone into the toilet? Whatever happened to our morals? Will someone please think of the children?

The answer is America's moral fabric was not shattered because a Disney child star appears to be have become Linda Lovelace. Instead its Occam's Razor that states the simplest answer is usually right one which in this case would be a publicity stunt that didn't work (or did it?)

With the collapse of the commercial radio and MTV no longer programming music, pop stars now need to do more and more outrageous stunts to get their music noticed. The MTV Video Awards have now become a showcase of how pop stars out douchebag themselves to grab attention. But the aforementioned awards should be renamed the YouTube awards, because that's the only place you can find music videos nowadays. If artists were smart they'd abandon MTV in favor of outlets who still program music and show videos like Fuse.

But to digress Miley's advisor is the same dude who ten years earlier convinced Britney Spears to dance onstage with a yellow python. Was it depraved? Yep. Was it shocking? Yep. Did it work in marketing albums? Yep. FYI guess what single is #1 this week? 'Wreckingball' by Miley Cyrus. All of the media concern trolls can consider themselves owned.

Michael Douglas says he got oral cancer... - ..from going downtown on the ladies. Scientists confirmed because HPV which lives in a woman's va jay jay can be transferred to a man's mouth by umm ...well you know. When asked for comment 150 million American men went 'Wait..wha,wha,wha...what!?

We now can confirm what the sound of silence actually sounds like - Brandy Norwood pop star, TV star, and vehicular homicidist was set to stage a massive concert at a 65,000 seat stadium in Cape Town, South Africa. But there was no need for ticket scalpers or camping out the night before tickets went on sale as 40 people...yep 40 (four...zero) showed up. Brandy's PR rep said it was sell out and that many of the fans showed up dressed as yellow seats.


Hey ladies, George Zimmerman is single! - Just for the record if I was on the jury for the Trayvon Martin trial I would have voted Not Guilty for murder BUT Guilty for manslaughter and financially liable to the Martin family. Because while I believe Zimmerman did not intend to kill Martin, he is a knuckle-dragging moron who should be held responsible for his death because didn't listen to directions. And you wonder why Mrs.Zimmerman wants a divorce giving up all that 200 urr 300 urr 350? pounds of man meat.

Charlton Heston only has it partially right about guns themselves don't kill people. Instead idiots with guns often manage to get themselves or other people killed through their careless action. My take on what happened is Zimmerman sees a black kid, assumes he is threat and calls 911. Had he listened to the operator and let police engage Martin none of this tragedy would have happened. Instead Zimmerman engages Martin, starts a fight which he gets the worst of, and in the course of getting his ass whooped shoots Martin. My biggest fear of stand your ground laws is it enables those who think carrying a gun makes them invincible and a license to start looking for trouble. Which doesn't take long because trouble tends to be right around the corner from these people.

White People, LOL - The winner of 2013 Miss America pageant was not the usual Southern debutante with a large set of horse teeth encased in a plastic smile but Nina Davulari an Indian American college student from New York. Statistically speaking whites comprise 66% of the American population and slowly decreasing, so probability dictates there's a 1 in 3 chance of having multi-ethnic beauty queen represent the US. Racists however did not take the news well.

Remember when social media was supposed to create this marketplace of interesting ideas and free thought that would uplift American society to fulfill its lofty goals? Well as Twitter demonstrated that's not happening anytime soon. But what Twitter also shows is that racists sure are dumb.

    How the fuck does a foreigner win miss America? She is a Arab! #idiots
    — Jake Amick (@jakeamick5) September 16, 2013

    And the Arab wins Miss America. Classic.
    — POOKIE. (@Granvil_Colt) September 16, 2013

    Miss America? You mean Miss 7-11.
    — CHEEZ-IT (@JPLman95) September 16, 2013

    Sand nigger is up #missamerica
    — Chris Black (@ChrisBlack57) September 16, 2013

If you are going to spew vile and vitriol all over the internet at least get your racism straight. Indian is not the same as Arab and Hindu is not the same as Muslim. It would be like calling me a white honkey obscuring the fact I could be a drunken Irishman, angry Scotsman, an English toffee, German sourkraut, or Welsh sheepf**er.

Cats are secretly plotting humanity's demise -

To the untrained eye, cats can sometimes seem like nature's biggest dickheads. I mean they're never excited to see when you get home. You have to come to them not vice versa, and the only want you unless they want something. Well according to British Zoologist John Bradshaw its because cats have only been domesticated for a few thousand years and have not become exclusively vegetarian so they are constantly looking for meat which explains their unexpressive faces and aloofness. Or as the blog Jezebel put more bluntly 'dogs actually get people, whereas cats, for all their purring and biscuit-making, don’t give a fuck about people. They’re cold, calculating predators with visions of offal and bloody meat bits dancing through their heads. Also, since cats can’t taste sweets, they’re pretty much certified evil, a gift of domestic pest control from the bowels of Hell'

Tired of fighting wars over oil? Good news soon humanity will be fighting over something else - Recently the Georgia legislature passed a law asking Congress to move its boundary with Tennessee 1.1 miles to the North giving citing an Colonial era surveying mistake. Obviously Tennessee's governor did not take to kindly to the move seeing this would give Georgia access to the Tennessee River and parts of Chattanooga and threatened to mobilize Nat'l Guard troops to defend it's border. The proposed boundary changes most certainly will never happen, so both states will have to settle their differences as they have the past 100 years in the South through college football.

But it does highlight around the World that the next flashpoints in the coming century will not be over oil but over water. The reason for Georgia's move was they have so badly mismanaged their natural resources that the exploding population of Atlanta and its surrounding suburbs is rapidly exceeding its available water supply. So by getting a foothold on the Tennessee river they would hope divert some of that liquid gold. Which would not bold well for down river communities like Birmingham and Nashville.

To see where a flashpoint could actually explode look halfway across the World to the Aral Sea in the former Soviet Union. At one time the Aral Sea was one of the four largest fresh water lakes in the World (five times the size of Lake Superior). But decades of environmental mismanagement have left just 10% of its original size. Now add 50 million people spread among five former Soviet republics that are so politically unstable it makes a Guns N Roses reunion seem like an Osmond family dinner.

Already two of them Uzbekistan and Krygystan are already quibbling with each other over using the former's use of the Aral Sea for cotton farming. What happens when others Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, and Kalafragalistictan can't agree on the best way to share the last remaining water for their drinking and economic needs?

The Reason why parents should treat their kids well - Following was a real obituary in Reno, NV of Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick born 1/4/35 from her surviving children:

Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick born Jan 4, 1935 and died alone on Aug. 30, 2013. She is survived by her 6 of 8 children whom she spent her lifetime torturing in every way possible. While she neglected and abused her small children, she refused to allow anyone else to care or show compassion towards them. When they became adults she stalked and tortured anyone they dared to love. Everyone she met, adult or child was tortured by her cruelty and exposure to violence, criminal activity, vulgarity, and hatred of the gentle or kind human spirit.

On behalf of her children whom she so abrasively exposed to her evil and violent life, we celebrate her passing from this earth and hope she lives in the after-life reliving each gesture of violence, cruelty, and shame that she delivered on her children. Her surviving children will now live the rest of their lives with the peace of knowing their nightmare finally has some form of closure.

Most of us have found peace in helping those who have been exposed to child abuse and hope this message of her final passing can revive our message that abusing children is unforgivable, shameless, and should not be tolerated in a "humane society". Our greatest wish now, is to stimulate a national movement that mandates a purposeful and dedicated war against child abuse in the United States of America.

China is becoming one big sausagefest - In demography, there is something called the birth sex ratio which is the ratio boys born to girls in a population. A normal sex ratio is roughly 105 boys for every 100 girls born. (Demographers and anthropologists believe boys are weaker at birth and have slightly higher risk of infant mortality so nature compensates) which ensures a society of having equal gender representation for each generation. Though when your single it never seems that way. But what happens when you mess with the natural order of things? Let's check in on the Chinese to find out.

Since China instituted the one child policy and preference was given to having boys instead of girls its birth ratio is now 120 boys to 100 girls on average and even more out of whack in rural areas. That translates to China 'missing' 40 to 60 million women which means that same number of men aged 15 to 34 are going to have to get used to finding intimacy from their right hand. How bad is it for strapping young lads in China?

Remember those keg parties back in college when it was just a bunch of dudes mopishly hanging around a ping pong table with only 1 or 2 chicks and they're already taken. That sad scene probably describes the Chinese nightlife scene nowadays. Now some men are literally having to advertise themselves on billboards to potential suitors. This of course has Chinese authorities scared shitless because combined with any increase of unemployment means large group of single men with lots of time on their hands = trouble. This is the stuff revolutions are made of. As Confucius once noted 'When you fuck with the natural way of things, it has a way of fucking with you right back'

George Orwell was only about 29 years off - This summer via whistleblower Edward Snowden the world found out the Nat'l Security Agency (NSA) has the ability to monitor phone calls, e-mails, IM chats, etc. by tapping into the data streams of major telecomm companies which transmit such information.

Initially shock came to most Americans after realizing 'My God you mean the Gov't knows my porn habits, too!?' But seeing as terrorists seem to love gmail and gchat it also seemed like a good way to foil terrorists before they can act. So this leaves most Americans conflicted about whether this is a good idea. Thankfully there is a way for NSA to show at least Congress whether this program really catches terrorists or just an excuse for bored analysts to listen in on some really kinky phone conversations.

And I'll explain......in my next blog post next week....yep I'm a tease.

Your Fieldguide to the Modern American Office

Remember back in grade school and getting those Ranger Rick magazines which taught kids all about wild animals and nature? Well here is a useful adult guide in the same vein to the modern corporate office.

The Bunny Rabbit Category: Harmless Creatures sometimes cute who can also be a pest at inopportune times

The Compulsive Printer
Who: Despite electronic storage gaining in leaps and bounds and companies in capability with most companies able to store things digitally. Still insists on printing everything for their records to be stored so in case of that 0.000001% chance they may need to reference that birthday lunch invitation to Chili's.
Can Be Identified By: The one with the most papers sitting around the printer unclaimed.
What To Do when encountered in wild: IF you can, change their default printer to some obscure part of the builiding, and then watch them waste half the day trying to find it.

The Power Typer
Who: Usually old enough to have learned to type on old typewriters, and from the sounds of it is punishing her keyboard for some unseen transgression.
Can Be Identified By: You will know them by their sound and fury. Namely the 'tap,tap,tap,tap,tap' coming from their cube all day long
What To Do when encountered in wild: Requisition a quiet keyboard and after she leaves replace her old one with the new one. Then next day talk in low whispers making her question if she has lost her hearing.

The Overambitious Hotshot out of college
Who: There's healthy ambition. Then there's insanity and this person straddles the line between both. Usually freshly minted form some prestigious (overpriced) college, has designs on running the company by age 35.
Can Be Identified By: The only person in their 20's wearing a suit
What To Do when encountered in wild: Give them an assignment they are sure blow and will demonstrate to 'Junior' there's a big difference between classroom exercises and the real World. Hopefully the message they receive is shut your mouth, open your ears, and learn from more experienced people.

The one-upper, upperer
Who: Regardless of what you've done, wherever you've been or whoever you met. They will have a story that manages to eclipse or top it.
Can Be Identified By: One of these three sentence patterns:
1. 'You did X?, Well I did X and then Y'
 Example: 'You've climbed Mt.Kilimanjaro? Cool I once climbed Mt.Everest and then almost died but thankfully that handsome Sherpa carried me to safety. Once I had reached the top of course'

2. 'You did X? Well I did X and (+ or -) Y'
'You've ran 2:03 hours in the half-marathon? Cool, well I once it in 1:46'

3. 'You did X? Well I did X * Y'
'You've met Mick Jagger on an airplane? Well I once met Mick Jagger, backstage with the rest of the Rolling Stones. And David Bowie also'

What To Do when encountered in wild: When in slow times and needing entertainment, tell an obviously fake story (snipe hunt, were a spy for non-existent spy agency) so as to bait the one-upper, upperer while making it so over the top as others will immediately recognize a joke is about to get played. Then respond by picking apart their story until the whole thing falls apart.

The Cheerleader
Who: Who needs Public Relations when you have this person around. Because their lives end and begin with the company and their happiness almost (always) depends on how the company does so they always try to cheer up everyone esle around them.
Can Be Identified By: 'Uh oh sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays'
What To Do when encountered in wild: Smile at whatever she says and if cornered in conversation put brain on autopilot until the cheerleader has safely moved on.

The Former Hippie
Who: Back in the summer love had the dream residing on a egalitarian commune, living off subsistence agriculture while everyone lived in peace and harmony when the Grateful Dead weren't touring. Today she's an office worker working for 'the man'.
Can Be Identified By: Hemp jewelry, psychedelic artwork, peace sign somewhere on handbag, frequent invitations to volunteer at a ferret rescue center during the weekend.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Can be helpful when settling arguments related to classic rock such as which is better to listen to Jimi Hendrix? Weed or acid?

The Raccoon Category: Not threatening but should handle with care

The Girl you wished you hadn't talked to at the office party
Who: YouTube 'Cecily Strong+Saturday Night Live+The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Talked To at The Party'

Will Be identified By: Lack of any consistent train of thought
What To Do when encountered in wild: Once at the realization this person is a few croutons short of a salad, note you need to go to bathroom (and hide).

The Incessant Meeting Planner
Who: Unable to make a decision on their own so must bring all stakeholders to endless meetings to decide trivial items as part of her OCD to support her habit of CYA
Can Be Identified By: Any Outlook Meeting Request (marked urgent of course) for either Monday at 9:00am or Friday at 4:00pm
What To Do when encountered in wild: Accept meetings when only convenient on your time (which is always almost never) and subtly mention some study showing stopping by someone's desk for five minutes is often more productive than calling an hour meeting.

The 'Eggshell' (Aka 'Lee Harvey', aka 'Gregg Popovich', in Market Research companies known as 'The Statistician')

Who: Derives the name from phrase 'being around them is like walking on eggshells'. Usually very smart, highly skilled and proficient providing a important resource to the company. The only problem being they are sort of mentally unstable and possibly nuts.
Can Be Identified By: Gruff demeanor, frazzled clothes and hair, and broken items around their office as evidence of a mercurial temper with a hairpin trigger.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Brilliance takes times and often cannot be rushed as often rudely requested by Sales or Marketing. They're a genius damn it, and results don't just come at 9:03 due to urgent e-mail before the eggshell has had their first cup of coffee! You want answers? You want results? Now? You'll get that summary when I'm G** D*** ready now get the **** out!! (followed by the sound of their 15th coffee mug this month being smashed to pieces against the door)

Key to avoiding such nasty encounters is mentally gauge what time the eggshell is most agreeable and slowly knock on the door and peer in asking 'Is now a good time?' When asking in e-mail begin prose with 'I realize you are very busy most exalted one, but if I may have a some minutes to discuss an idea that you, master of quantitative universe can judge as worthy of you superior intellect I would greatly appreciate it'.

The IT Help Desk Person
Who: For every Mark Zuckerburg, Steve Jobs or misfit who made it big, there are probably about 100,000 of these guys. Approaching middle age and bitter because that awesome World of Warcraft gaming ability never translated to millions for that next big techie idea.
Will Be Identified By: Lack of people skills, retro Atari t-shirt, bad haircut, and barely able to hide contempt at someone with a girlfriend.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Although easy to dismiss, the IT help desk person can be lifesaver because if your PC isn't working, neither are you. So always stay in his good graces with the key being to make him feel real important. So at xmas show a little love with a $50 gift certificate to GameStop, or massage his ego asking which new laptop he would recommend, or agree with his opinion that the original Tron from 1982 did not need a remake. It just needed smarter people to appreciate the neon glow of pre-CGI special effects and marvel at the true brilliance to the foreshadowing of how computers would rule our lives in the future damn it!

The HR Rep
Who: The useful idiot who was never smart enough for their original major in college so fell back on this instead. Capable enough to do basic tasks, but just dumb enough to be manipulated by the company when it has to break bad news.
Can Be Identified By: Look up the word 'tool' in urbandictionary.com
What To Do when encountered in wild: Like hiking past poison oak, best to avoid if possible. If confronted keep at arm's length by limiting conversation to weather, kids, pets, or a sale at Kohl's. Because remember that behind the dimwit exterior is supposed to be the corporate version of a secret police, always listening and always watching.

The Drama Queen
Who: As Shakespeare once noted 'All the World is a stage', the drama queen believes they are the star of their own reality show and all of the day's developments are to be dramatized for all to see. The main problem is no one really cares to see their performance
Can Be Identified By: One way conversation audible on a cellphone to all to hear followed-up by recap for the camera the coworker of nearest proximity. Usually their day consists of a pendulum swing from love to hate, then love, then back to hate of significant other or any family member.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Did you know Pandora can be streamed from your computer and with headphones it's like your own personal radio station!

The Cheapskate
Who: Never freely donates any cash to employee led collections whether for birthday gift, charity donation, baby shower gift card, etc. But will gladly take in any of the said benefits.
Can Be Identified By: Declined to chip in for a cake in honor of a soon-to be married co-worker, but will be first one in line to grab a piece.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Most obnoxious at Happy Hour taking a few drinks but leaving without putting money on the table for the group tab. If confronted in such situation utilize your State's '1-800-GRAB-DUI' program

The Black Bear Category: Danger!, Danger!


The Frenemy
Who: Person closest to you in position and salary who is most in competition for a promotion. Will be nice to you in person but behind your back the knives will come out.
Can Be Identified By: 'The humblebrag' which is a passive aggressive move of on the surface being self-effacing but subtextually is the equivalent of doing an office touchdown celebration dance.

Example: 'My boss thinks my report should be published at the next conference but I just don't think it's ready yet'
Translation: 'Not to brag but I'm sort of becoming big deal'

What To Do when encountered in the wild: Be low-key and let them underestimate you and your skills. Then find blindspots from their ego because they reveal the weak spots in their talents. Once found use as the attack point to outperform thereby crushing them and leaving their managerial dreams burning in a pile of twisted wreckage on the side of the road to corporate glory. Or read any chapter in Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' and remember the old WWII submarine phrase 'Run Silent, Run Deadly'

The Accenture Consultant

Who: The outside consulting firm brought in by your company to figure out how to do everything more efficiently is really the white collar grim reaper. And like a virus, spreads to just about every industry or company eventually.
Can Be Identified By: From dress as a walking advertisement for Brooks Brothers sporting a white dress shirt with sport coat (but no tie), loafers, and impeccably ironed khakis. From appearance with impossibly white teeth, perfectly placed hair, and looking too young to be wearing a $500 watch. From demeanor will feature an arrogance that pollutes a room like a spilled bottle of Aqua Velva.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Smile, shake hands, remain calm, quietly walk backward until at your desk. Then quickly update your resume because very often Accenture's high impact solution for everything is 'outsource' everybody's job to India for a lot less. And even if you are spared initial lay-offs their million dollar ideas eventually will not work because outsourcing starting to have negligible return and eventually all that extra work falls to you.

The Office Spouse


Who: The person in the office who other than your spouse you confide everything to.
Can Be Identified By: Often of the opposite sex (but not always) who is your go to smoke break buddy, drinking buddy, coffee buddy, lunch buddy, and the person you are probably talking to right now and sharing this list.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Though the most helpful in helping survive the work week extreme caution must always be present when having an office spouse. Though usually platonic, sometimes an underlying sexual tension becomes present, that line can blurred and the drinking buddy at Happy Hour can become a f*** buddy in the parking lot. And next thing you know the workday (and your evening) just got a lot more complicated.

Work spouses are lot like being on the Coast in the Pacific Northwest watching the wild, rugged ocean waves crash into steep, unforgiving stone cliffs. Beautiful, fulfilling, life affirming but best viewed from a safe distance. And never cross that sign reading 'DANGER: No Solid Ground Below!'

The Admin Assistant
Who: The most important person in your office is not the CEO, CIO, CTO, CFO, Executive VP, Senior VP or just plain director level VP. It's the head honcho's admin assistant. Because corporate politics is lot like the British political system. The CEO is like the reigning monarch, anointed, celebrated, regal, but whose position is mostly ceremonial. Real power lies with the Prime Minister, who in the office is often the highest ranking executive's admin assistant.
Can Be Identified By: Usually overlooked, underestimated, but shown esteemed deference by those who are smart and know where the real power lies.
What To Do when encountered in wild: The power of the admin assistant results from being 'the' only one the top executive trusts with their secrets, fears, and plans. All company business (both public and private) flows through her because she is the gatekeeper to the boss' phone calls, e-mail, and calendar. She is the the all knowing, all seeing oracle who can make or break your future if the boss asks about you.

But she is also wise and will immediately dismiss all attempts at brownosing, meaningless flattery, or all around schmuckery. Pity those who treat her beneath them as if merely a 'lowly secretary' for their career advancement is doomed. Because one simply does not walk into the admin assistant's office and begin currying favor. Only those whose hearts are noble, intentions true, and deeds just can gain the trust and magic blessing of the admin assistant. That and an occasional bribe of homemade cookies doesn't hurt either.