Lindsay Lohan, Philly Airport, and Healthcare is sort of a big f*****g deal

Spellcheck FAIL - My photo outside the Taco Bell in Mantua, New Jersey. Really hope this is not indicative of the local school system.

Air Traffic Control = So Easy a Kid Can Do It – The head of air traffic control at New York’s JFK Airport has some explaining to do after audiotapes revealed two instances of kids actually directing air traffic last year. Not sure what the dust up is all about, since it’s only like the nation’s busiest airport, located in a densely populated area, with dozens of airplanes carrying thousands of passengers circling the city at any given moment. What could possibly go wrong? Besides there’s always the Hudson River if a plane ever really needed to land.

Most unfortunately named village on Earth – In Yemen, a village called al Qeada is considering changing it’s name for obvious reasons. Though having a controversial sounding name was never a deterrent to places Intercourse, PA or Dildo, Newfoundland

Forget Virginia, Philly’s Airport is the place for lovers – According to a recent survey of air travelers, Philadelphia Int’l Airport was ranked ‘Best Place to Hookup’ during a layover which is convenient for anyone flying US Airways because as the hub you’ll be there for awhile. Who knew building a Marriott hotel inside the main terminal would be so forward thinking. Bet you could make a killing running a condom kiosk.

Evidently ‘The Hills’ really does speak to today’s youth – A group of teenagers in Beverly Hills found a lucrative afterschool activity by breaking into celebrities homes and stealing cash, jewelry, clothes to the tune of $2 million dollars. Earning the name ‘Bling Ring’, they were eventually caught via surveillance footage, and when pressed for a motive said ‘They wanted the clothes they saw celebrities wearing on TV’ which doesn’t exactly put them a league with John Dillinger gang.

However, seeing as their victims included Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Adrienne Partridge they may be able set a new legal precedence of “Robbing from stupid rich people can’t be considered a crime if they never notice their belongings are actually missing”. Hilton was robbed 4 times before she finally noticed $500K of jewelry were missing and every time left her door unlocked.

John Mayer reveals the racial preferences of his penis – At this point Mayer is the male version of Megan Fox when it comes to interviews in terms of suffering from bouts of unfettered verbal diarrhea. In a interview for Playboy Mayer referred to his wanker as ‘David Duke’ because of it’s 'white supremacist tendencies’ when choosing the race of women ‘it likes to sleep with'. The only thing more controversial besides referring to his penis in the third person was dropping the ‘n’ word which when unless you’re a rapper is sort of verboten.

If you like your religion a little on the extremist side – A group calling themselves ‘The Army of God’ who fashion themselves the Christian Taliban have been patrolling Amarillo, Texas as sort of a morality police recently made headlines after forcibly breaking up a swinger’s party in town. Besides swingers, evidently the group is also targeting strip clubs, gay bars, coffee shops, book stores, liberal churches, and just about anywhere that doesn’t agree with their rigid interpretation of Christianity. This would be a good time for say Local or State law enforcement to intervene and put a stop to these people since last I checked harrassing people doing lawful activities sort violates the idea of personal freedom. Plus we would not want Pat Robertson getting any ideas.

Coming up next on The People’s Court – Lindsay Lohan, failed actress/singer/fashion designer and current raging nitwit sued e*Trade over a Super Bowl ad that supposedly defames her (the one with the talking baby calling another baby Lindsay an milkoholic) and she’s asking for the pittance sum of $100 million dollars. Legal experts weighed in on the suit noting even crack dealers were asking ‘What is she high?’. Actually the case will eventually get dismissed citing the Supreme Court case ‘Hustler Magazine vs. Falwell’ that ruled obvious parody cannot be considered slander or libel.

The suit is quite insightful because it reads right like a mental health checklist for schizophrenia:
Irrational Thought – That ‘milkoholic’ joke directly references her (allegedly) past substance abuse problems
Delusions of Grandeur - Claims the named baby ‘Lindsay’ references her because she’s so famous Worldwide that she is recognized by just her first name (akin to Madonna, Liberace, or Jesus)
Paranoia – That commercial will irrevocably hurt her career
Seeing or Hearing Things that aren’t Real – Lindsay having people tell her she actually has a career

Republicans successfully capture the ‘bat shit crazy’ segment of voters – Modern conservatism started out as an intellectual movement centered among Ivy Leaguers and other elite who wanted an alternative to FDR's New Deal policies. Now compared to present time, where according to a Harris Poll, 25% of registered Republicans believe Barack Obama to be the Anti-Christ while another 13% aren't sure.

Facebook goes from Social Network to STD Network - Officals in Sunderland, England blamed a sudden spike in Syphillis and Gonorrhea in the community citing the easy access of hooking up via Facebook. However, other theories include the unusually harsh winter in the UK and the fact that in Sunderland is the type of town where there is nothing else to do except drink and shag (English slang for f***). Also have to consider how the local sheep population factors in.

Another Facebook FYI – If you become a ‘fan’ of corporations or products, those companies can in turn mine every piece of your Facebook data. I know this to be true because we were just demo’d software for my company to do that very thing. Just something you might be interested in case you’re like one of those X-Files believing, tin-foil wearing, conspiracist types who believes that alien Zionists from the planet Nephyeon plan to covertly take over Earth through mind control enabled by the butter in microwave popcorn. I’d also mention MySpace but like who actually uses MySpace anymore? (yeah I said it Tom!)

Healthcare Reform (Yep, Joe Biden it's sort of a big f*****g deal) – Evidently Obama reads my blog because last month I extolled him to drop the hope and change thingy in exchange for a more ballsier approach (re: LBJ and Medicare/Medicaid Act). And voila in a show of unusual testicular fortitude, Obama and the Democrats went ahead and actually passed much needed healthcare reform. Meanwhile, for congrats, Europe called and welcomed America to the civilized world where human life comes before corporate profit along with the added benefit of universal healthcare actually spurring economic growth by controlling medical costs.

Now for all the teabaggers out there, put down the pitchforks and shotguns, have a nice cold beer and take a minute to chill out. Because the law just passed was originally a Republican idea and if you want to protest somebody, protest Mitt Romney who enacted the same legislation in Massachusetts while Governor making it the first state to ever have universal coverage. You know, that commie, pinko, socialist guy now running in President in 2012 on the GOP ticket, THAT Mitt Romney.

NBC Olympic Fail, Craigslist eliminates need for pimps, and How Miley Cyrus explains the deficit

Craiglist phases out pimping: Call it another classic example of a profession being phased out by technology. According Dept. of Justice study, pimps are becoming few and far between thanks to Craigslist which allows the Hooker and the John to arrange services directly, therefore cutting out the middle man.

How Miley Cyrus explains Gov't Deficit Spending: There is indeed a 'Party in the USA' but right now that party is being financed by China and how soon until they get tired of watching someone else drink their beer? The current proposed budget is uhh shall we say debt heavy calling for $2 Trillion dollars above what the US can raise in tax revenue. So why is this a problem? Nothing unless our foreign creditors decide to call in the debt and we essentially become like Argentina in the 80's or Greece right now minus the salsa dancing and babes in bikinis.

Joan Rivers denied boarding a plane in Newark Airport...: Because thanks to plastic surgery she no longer resembles Joan Rivers on her picture ID. There is indeed a thing called too much when talking about plastic surgery, so when your face resembles mannequin rather than a human being it's time to stop.

Royal Caribbean - never let tragedy stand in the way of a good time: Cruise liner Royal Caribbean came under fire for docking in Labadee, Haiti just 2 days after the devastating earthquake pratically destroyed the country. I'll have to call inappropriate here since you really should let the bodies get cold before ordering a Tequila Sunrise out of respect you know.

NBC (Not Broadcasting Correctly): At the beginning of 2009 NBC had a choice to make in it's The Tonight Show lineup, either let Jay Leno 'retire' and bring in Conan O'Brien or let Jay Leno keep the show and let O'Brian walk away for $20 million. It tried to have both it ways and worked so well that in nine short months resulted in the 'biggest television programming debacle ever' which even considering Tori Spelling's career is saying something. So to bring Leno back at 11:35pm now costs you paying out O'Brain $35 million along with Dave Letterman now tops in the ratings. Glad that was worth it.

More NBC Fail - The Olympic Edition: Not sure if 'super-genius NBC Sports Exec Dick Ebersol'(trademark) has ever heard of a thing called the internet, but his 1976 broadcast model of tape delaying everything for prime time has managed to kill both ratings and profitability. Thanks to the World Wide Web we know if Lindsay Vonn won downhill gold roughly..oh say..10 seconds after crossing the finish line, so why exactly should I wait 8 hours later to see if she won? Also not helping are the 40 minute to 20 minute ratio of commercials to actual sports coverage. But then again Ebersol like the rest of NBC brain trust occupy that Ivory tower of sheer genius so who am I to criticize.

Bill Romanowski gives us a little TMI: Making the rounds on interviews former Linebacker, thug, and all around bad guy admitted that he was so obsessed with his playing weight that he would actually weigh his own feces daily. And I thought no one wanted to shake his hand because they thought he was an asshole.

Proof this has been the winter from hell: This year the Philly region where we live has had 70 inches of snow and counting. Compare that to the average snowfall of some other snowy locales:
Toronto 52 inches
Fargo, Noth Dakota 38 inches
Minneapolis 50 inches
Chicago 43 inches

New Jersey folds on Gay Marriage: Anyone hoping for gay marriage in the Garden State may have to wait a few years after the State Senate refused to take up a gay marriage law since their still afraid of the Catholic Church..urr..I mean we already have Civil Unions. Of course gay marriage advocates could always slip Senators some cash in unmarked envelopes Tony Soprano style then pretty much anything will fly in this state.
Also for anyone keeping track -
States that allow gay marriage = 5
States allow marriage among first cousins = 24

Utah considering cancelling 12th Grade: In an effort to save money Utah legislators in a race with Texas to create the dumbest state in the country have proposed cancelling off the Senior year of high school. Offical reason probably sounded like this "Dem kids dont need no edumacation, and all dat readin and riting and shit. Cause last we thing we need dem folks goin off and thinkin'.

Healthcare Reform goes from 'Yes We Can' to 'Well maybe not': The phrase 'Money Talks, and Bullshit Walks' took on new meaning thanks to a $3 Billion dollar lobbying effort by the Health Insurance industry who managed to derail HCR even though majority of Americans say we need it. Not that it was hard seeing as most Senators and Congresspeople have spines made of jello and aided by special interest cash to prevent them from having any courage or conviction to handle this country's enormous problems. Biggest mistake the Obama admin made was leaving it to 100 wealthy Senators who have lifetime guaranteed health insurance to try to solve healthcare for the rest of us common folk.

Obama one year later - Plenty of Hope but lacking audacity: If I'm Obama right now watching my approval sink under 50% as my agenda stalls in an incompetant Congress. Ask yourself this question: WWLBJD as in What Would Lyndon B. Johnson Do? To bring about this 'change' you spoke of during the election means going up against very powerful, very rich, entrenched corporate interests hellbent on keeping the status quo. So who better to provide guidance than our 36th President LBJ.

To be sure Johnson was not exactly Mr.Warmth and there is that small issue of Vietnam but no one in recent history knew how to wield Presidential power more effectively to get things done than my boy. He single-handedly managed to pass two of the important pieces of legislation in latter half of the 20th Century, The Civil Rights Act and the Medicare/Medicaid Act. Plus, Johnson accomplished this not by being all 'Hope and Change' but by privately humiliating people, publically kneecapping wayward Congressmen, or if all else failed completely steamroll people who got in the way. That sir is called audacity

FUN BONUS LBJ FACT: During the '64 election when Johnson pulled over to pee on the side of the road, he got so annoyed by the Secret Service who surrounded him just 2 feet away that he started urinating on one of the agents. When one of them complained 'Mr.President you're peeing on me', Johnson replied 'I know, it's my perogative'.

THE 2009 ROSSY AWARDS!!!!!

About a decade and a half ago I created these awards for my fraternity to honor the best of our drunken, disorderly, and dumb moments. Boy has this taken a life of it's own since leaving college. Ladies and gents time to hand out this year's Rossy's:

The Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity – A mugger managed to pick the absolute wrong place, person, and time to try an armed robbery. The place was the Harrisburg PA Convention Center men’s restroom, the person was an an off-duty cop and the time was a weapons expo for SWAT Team and Undercover Police from around the country. Although the mugger managed to get the wallet, the getaway path meant getting through 300+ cops. Needless to say said robbery attempt did not end well.

The 'Fly the Friendly Skies' Award – Over 30 passengers on a flight from Havana,Cuba to London were arrested for drunken disorderly conduct after turning the cross-Atlantic trip into the party of the year. Among the facebook picture worthy highlights included a drunken female trying to open the Main door of the airplane at 30,000 feet, beverage cart racing in the aisles, and practicing for emergency landing with no clothes.

Home Depot Do-It-Yourself Award – Sheriff’s deputies in Iowa discovered an interesting front porch addition to an abandoned house consisting of a stuffed deer carcass posed as it we're waving....that had been dressed up as a circus clown....complete with clown makeup. Actual quote from the Sheriff’s office “We don’t know who put it there or how it got there, and frankly we really don’t want to know’.

The Happy Hour lasted an hour too long award – In Japan, Finance Minister Shoichi Nakagawa before appearing in a televised press conference about the impact of the global financial crisis, found the best way to alleviate his Nation’s anxiety…by getting so hammered he nearly puked midway through event while slurring most of his answers. Based on Nakagawa's observations, Wall Street analysts advised clients to drink a six pack of Schlitz beer before opening their investment statements.

The best moment you didn’t see on Antiques Road Show – An elderly woman who bought an antique vase from a Goodwill Store in Ohio found an added bonus tucked away inside in the form of marijuana with a street value of $1,500. In possibly related news, tabloids are reporting Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson had become avid antique vase collectors.

The best video you didn’t see on YouTube – Formula 1 racing President and formerly respected Euro businessman Max Mosely may have provided the sex scandals to end all sex scandals which BBC News described using these phrases in the same sentence: video tape, S&M dungeons, dominatrixes wearing Nazi uniforms, Halocaust reenactment orgy, and strap-on dildos.

The best political moment you didn’t see on Meet the Press – While campaigning as a candidate for Georgia Governor, Neal Horsely managed to short circuit his political career in the span of about 30 seconds, when he revealed in a radio interview that his first sexual experience was with a mule on the family farm. Political pundits of all stripes agree that the old joke about Georgia ‘where men are men, and the sheep are scared’ probably needed amending.

The Best Riot (not involving European Soccer Fans) – Normally the idea of a family feud invoked the classic 70's game show whereby wholesome families engaged in friendly competition guessing survey responses while host Richard Dawson hit on the hot wives on the show. But two neighboring clans in the rural Northeast corner of Alabama decided to play the feud old school style involving 180 people fighting with 2x4’s, lead pipes, chains, and pet rattlesnakes. Forcing a large portion of the Alabama State Police to intervene presumably without the charm of Richard Dawson and prizes involving an eyeful of tear gas.

Best Fight (Drinking and/or Cocaine Use Category) – Vince Schlomi (aka ‘The ShamWow Guy’) had his meteoric rise in the ‘As seen on TV’ commercial circuit derailed after being arrested for a fistfight with a hooker at a Miami hotel while celebrating New Year’s. Evidently the fight started when Schlomi became slightly annoyed after said hooker tried to rip out his tongue with her teeth. The district attorney won’t comment if Schlomi offered to throw in a set of free ShamWow towels when he negotiated price for the hooker's services.

Best Fight (Non-Drinking Category) – Guns N’ Roses lead singer Axl Rose did his best Sean Penn impersonation by getting into fistacuffs with paparazzi at LAX airport in Los Angeles. According to eyewitnesses Rose became enraged after one of the photogs asked for their money back after buying GNR's new album ‘Chinese Democracy’.

The Eliot Spitzer Award for Best Use of a Prostitute – Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlesconi was embarrassed when pictures surfaced of him and very young nude women partying at his villa on the island of Sardinia who depending which story you believe we’re either a) local escorts or b) nude models interested in Silvio’s views on foreign policy. Silvio nonetheless proved to be a master politician by turning the tables and chastising the media for the audacity of suggesting that a handsome, charming gentleman like himself actually had to pay for sex when clearly no woman could resist him (Yep, he actually said that). When asked for reaction Bill Clinton replied ‘damn he’s good’.

The Bernie Madoff (formerly Enron) Award - A lot of people will fib a little on tax returns to get a little extra in tax refunds but devious mastermind Marlon Moore took it to a whole new level. On his 2008 tax return Moore tried to list his tax refund due as $15 Trillion dollars...yes that's Trillion with a capital 'T'. This stroke of criminal genius worthy of Lex Luthor was tripped up by one small overlooked detail: The US Gov't on average 'only' takes in $2 Trillion in tax revenues, so theoretically Moore should been able to bankroll the entire country. While Federal judge complimented his ambition all Moore got for his troubles was 2 years in prison and the Price is Right loser song...'Bum bum bum bum bum.......ahhhhhhh'

The Bobby Knight Anger Management Award – Two cops in Aurora, CO we’re suspended after they pulled their loaded guns on the cashier of a McDonald’s drive-through to make a point about hurrying their lunch order after becoming furious with the delay. No word, if said officers ever had any similar history of losing their temper, particularly after McDonald's stopped selling the McRib sandwich. No word if this tactic could be considered useful for putting the ‘Jiffy’ in getting a Jiffy express oil change.

The Best ‘DOWT!’ Moment of 2009 – Before a routine public hearing in the California State Legislature, Assemblyman Michael Duvall was making small talk by bragging about a sexual threesome encounter he had over the Weekend. The funny part of the story was his microphone was turned on allowing the entire conversation to heard by everyone in the room including news media. Besides getting in trouble with Mrs.Duvall, he now faces ethics investigation because the two participants of said menage-a-trois we're actually lobbyists for a utility company, and Duvall's primary responsibility at that public hearing dealt with....wait for it....not yet.....regulating utility companies.

The Honorary Ashton Kutcher Punk’d Award – In Cardiff, Wales official city coroner John Phillips reportedly was considered a really fun guy who never let the fact that he worked in a morgue stop the good times.

According to testimony in his misconduct trial, Phillips allegedly loved practical jokes, such as posing bodies as staff members, replacing people’s lunch with internal organs or hiding under sheets to scare unknowing colleagues. Sadly the hijinks came to an end when Phillips and his staff were observed having a water balloon fight in the morgue while family members came to identify a body. He was able to keep his job though his future career move as the next Buddy Hackett will have to wait.

Rossy Award Hall of Fame inductee for 2009 – A man in Cairns, Australia was arrested for repeatedly breaking into local sex shops to have intimate relations with expensive blow-up dolls then putting them back in the box. Allegedly these crimes of passion came to the attention of shop proprietors after several customers complained of 'used' merchandise.

Once police we’re able to stop laughing long enough, they caught the 'gangster of inflatable love' by reviewing surveillance tapes and performing DNA testing. Criminologists debated whether the most disturbing aspect of the case were really the spurned customers who had no shame to actually return the dolls.

Tiger Woods, Racist Gnomes, and the Lifetime Movie script generator

Germany bans Racist Gnomes – A souvenir gift company has been forced by the German gov’t to stop selling yard gnomes that have the cute feature of doing a facist Nazi salute. Guess it’s worth noting the ‘Travelocity Roaming Gnome’ still has yet to feature Israel in the advertisements. I never trusted those little bastards.

Jon Gosselin appearance fee – Since this is the saga that will never end, news leaked that Jon Gosselin charges upwards of $10,000 for personal appearance fees. I wonder if there’s a chance if I break open my 401K that I can pay him for a disappearance fee to just go away?

Prop 8 Defense FAIL – Lawyers defending the California ban on gay marriages known as Prop 8 in Federal Appeals Court based their argument that gay marriage would erode traditional society. When pressed by the Appeals judge to provide specific evidence or actual proof, the defense could not provide any examples. So essentially the argument that gay marriage will destroy society looks like this:
Step 1 – Allow Gay Marriage
Step 2 - ?
Step 3 - ?
Step 4 – Society goes to hell in a handbasket

Album Release FAIL - I'm not a music industry expert, but I'm guessing releasing the new album from Chris Brown tentatively titled 'What an a**hole' so soon after being convicted of assaulting former girlfriend Rihanna may not be a good call. The only way Brown's career goes any further in the toilet is if a video comes out of him making fun of the Special Olympics or kicking a puppy. At this point you might want to wait until that dark cloud has cleared, like sometime between eternity and never.

Finally, an opponent Tiger Woods can’t beat – Apparently one sandtrap Tiger Woods can’t play his way out of is getting caught cheating by a golf club wielding wife and being making a clean getaway in a Cadillac Escalade. This episode helped usher the end of journalism with respected outlets from the mainstream media having to cite gossip trash site tmz.com as a source. Though, ESPN SportsCenter kept it in proper perspective by analyzing whether Wood's wife should have used the driver instead of the three-iron when whacking Tiger.

NFL Red Zone Channel = Gambler’s Dream – The Red Zone Channel from the NFL Network which shows live games where a team is about to score a touchdown is the most watched pay channel on cable TV for the Fall during Sundays. Undoubtedly aided by the gamblers with money on the games along with the bookies who will be coming to collect said money from said gambler.

A quick note on celebrity sex tapes - If said tape is of a celebrity whose main claim to fame is reality TV, than it's not a celebrity sex tape but rather just porn. Thank You.

The latest Barack Obama conpsiracy theory - Right wing blogger sites and at least one GOP congressman are claiming Obama's speech about Afghanistan was a deliberate attempt to destroy Christmas. Because the prime time speech pre-empted the Peanuts Charlie Brown Christmas Special.

Dick Cheney can shut up anytime now - Watching old man Cheney criticize Obama for 'dithering' about handling Iraq and Afghanistan is sort like an arsonist criticizing how the Fire Department put out the fires he started. Plus, we all would have appreciated if Lil Bush had 'dithered' about whether it was good idea to invade Iraq in the first place.

Nicholas Cage is apparently broke - Remember when Nic Cage was considered an trailblazing, avant garde actor who was going to torch the screen with intense performances that promised to usher in an era of exciting, ground-breaking, independent cinema? Neither do I.

Italians object to new MTV Show - The latest MTV faux reality show The Jersey Shore with the tagline 'detailing the life of rich Jersey guidos!' (they're term not mine) is the low rent East Coast alternative to The Hills which validates our decision not to visit the Jersey Shore anywhere north of Point Pleasant. Essentially the show "documents" the adventures of a group of Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, Italian males whose main goal in life appears to be getting drunk and having sex without the hassle and burden of holding a job or going to college while at their parent's shorehouse.

This has several Italian organizations up in arms saying it unfairly depicts stereotypes of Italians. In defense of the show, it's not saying all Italians are 'Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, guidos'. But rather that 'Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, guidos' who some reason all seem to congregate in the North Jersey coastal towns just happen to be Italian.

Sarah Palin goes rogue......on reality - Within days of the release of Sarah Palin's 400 page exercise in axe grinding disguised as a autobiography, the Associated Press managed to point out at least 30 instances in the book that we're certified as untrue by a powerful analytic device known as objective reality.

Money quote: 'Palin was never one to let little things like facts or reality get in the way of a good bout of paranoia' Roy Sekoff, political editor of Huffington Post

Lifetime Movie Script Generator – Having been unable to ban the Lifetime Movie Channel from my house, I asked the question of how they produce so many movies of such…uhh…quality. I think I figured out the formula.

Part 1: A Woman (insert any B-list, washed up TV actress) who can be typecast as (choose among Student/Single Mother/Jilted Wife/Emotionally Needy Daughter/Tori Spelling/some combo of all of the above)

Part 2: Falls in love with a Man who on the surface appears to be (insert Handsome/Rich/Nice Guy/Perfect Stepdad/Regular Joe/Prince Charming/Rob Lowe)

Part 3: and after a brief, contrived, mostly unbelievable courtship, woman falls in love (insert generic, clique 'dating' scenes featuring actors pretending to enjoy each other's company). If low on budget insert stock footage from Hallmark card, dating site, or jewelry commercial.

Part 4: However man gradually reveals himself to be a (choose from Psycho/Serial Killer/Already Married/Abusive/Escaped Con/Cross-Dresser/Running from Mob(and/or Law)/Rob Lowe)

Part 5: which leads to the main plot where woman must resolve dilemma by (choose Run From/Hide From/Turn into Police/Kill/show Rob Lowe tape of his acting) the Man in order return to a normal life of presumably talking somebody’s ear off.

The Real Meaning behind New Jersey Election since the 'political pundits' get it wrong...AGAIN

Undoubtedly if you listen to all the 'Political Pundits' who apparently know everything this week, you'll have the impression that the NJ gubernatorial election was this big referendum on the Obama presidency and healthcare reform. Given all of the blovating and hyperventilating from the DC correspondants that because NJ and Virginia we're won by the GOP, one could assume that conventional wisdom signals doom and gloom for Obama'a agenda.

So allow me to do David Gregory's job for a moment and lay out the real deal:
Obama won the state in 2008 by 57% and guess where his approval rating currently stands at: 57% (Gallup Polling)

Huh, so clearly not about Obama so here are the top 5 reasons Corzine the incumbent Democrat lost:
1. The state has been perpetually broke since 2004, and every year around summertime, the State legislature does this Kabuki dance around 'Ahh, we have no money, what shall we do?' Corzine's response: 'Oh lets raise income and sales taxes and raise fees on everything from driver's licenses to home phone use, but just this once.

So the state was like your deadbeat cousin who always borrowed money and never paid it back. Every time the same, 'Oh it will be the last time I promise' line.

2. New Jersey is possibly the most corrupt state in the country behind Louisiana, where here 'pay to play' is actually still LEGAL. In most states you go to prison for it. Thus the annual budget woes stems from money disappearing down questionable black holes littered around state gov't without any accountability or transparency. Corzine response to reform consisted of two parts: Jack and Squat, much to the delight of Tony Soprano types in North Jersey.

3. Corzine ran radio ads making fun of his opponent's weight which even by Jersey standards was considered a low blow.

4. Before his illustrious career in politics, Corzine was CEO of Goldman-Sachs which was one of the Wall Street architects of the sub-prime mortgage calamity that has hit Jersey hard. So combine increasing property taxes with decreasing home values and foreclosures and you have the perfect storm of taxpayer anger.

Didn't help Corzine's response was one of the dumbest moves in state political history. He cancelled the Property Tax Rebate that many lower and middle income families came to rely on, so he could balance the budget.....again. And when did rebates normally get paid out? In October, two weeks before election day. Forest Gump could tell you that was along the highest order of stupidity.

5. Corzine was flat out a lousy governor. Period.

I wish Governor Elect Christie the best of luck, though realistically we're probably swapping out one corrupt bastard for another. Though because New Jersey is actually a decent state to live in despite it's poitical leaders, I'll hold out hope. That and moving to Delaware or Pennsylvania is always an option.

How 'The Brady Bunch' explains the 2009 World Series

If anyone wants to see what the World’s largest inferiority complex looks like when unleashed, tune into the World Series when Philly hosts the Yankees. If you thought Philly fans booing Santa Claus was bad, just wait until A-Rod gets introduced to the Phils faithful. That’s because the relationship between New York and Philadelphia is a volatile, complex, highly psychological one that can best be described through everyone’s favorite 70’s sitcom ‘The Brady Bunch’.

Think of New York as Marcia Brady, the popular oldest sister who everyone loves, succeeds at everything she does, and is quite possibly the most important person in her high school, if not the World. Think of Philadelphia as Jan Brady, the oft-forgotten middle sister, who is barely noticed and whatever she does will always get upstaged by Marcia. You have to feel bad for Philly, the way we always felt bad for Jan. Despite having World-Class history, culture, museums, universities, and restaurants, Philly always..always..plays second fiddle to New York’s glamour, excitement, and bustle. If you want proof, just ask 10 people you know if they could take an all-expenses trip to either New York or Philly, which one would they choose? You’ll get the idea.

So here we are getting ready to start the World Series, as the Phillies are the defending champs with a team that may even be better than last year. But alas, what does the Nat’l Sports Media obsess and drool over….the Yankees. They’re more interested in the jock strap Derek Jeter will wear, than who the Phillies will have in their starting rotation. The Phillies playoff games we’re moved to afternoons, so the Yankees could occupy Prime time. To listen to Philly sports fans complain about this smacks of: “why is it always about Marcia….Marcia, Marcia,Marcia!”

Thus the 2009 World Series is not merely a baseball contest between two cities that are a mere 70 miles apart, but rather a chance for the urban equivalent of Jan Brady to finally stick it to Marcia and erase nearly 200 years of second city syndrome. Because like any complex sibling relationship, the younger sibling became defined by the older, often through sports competition. So as New York teams won championship after championship, Philly fans we’re usually left to stew in sports mediocrity, perfectly defined by the Andy Reid era Eagles. A team good enough to make the Super Bowl, but not quite good enough to win...like the say the New York Giants two years ago.

The sad irony, is even if the Phillies do win, most people in New York won’t care because…well they’re New York..because they’re important with being home to the World’s financial markets and epicenter of all things important to planet Earth. If you don’t believe me just ask a native New Yorker, they’ll gladly tell you.

Prediction: Phillies in 7, and ESPN will still focus on which Hollywood starlet Johnny Damon is boinking at the moment.

Another Early Comedy Writing Sample

This could be considered another gem I pulled out of my early 'portfolio' or it could be considered more 'early blog fail'. A unique film review of 'Passion of the Christ':

"Overall, truly the feelgood film of the year. Not as many dance numbers as I would have liked, but the chereography was spectacular! And of coursedon't miss the hilarious outtakes at the end!"

This review brought to you by a 32oz of Coke, andcouple of 4oz bottles of Jack Daniel's and healthyfear of the guy sitting next to me wearing the "Gunsdon't kill people, I Kill People" trucker hat.