1.My wife once asked me if I could start life over again from infancy without a cleft palate/lip would I do it. I replied No because learning to overcome the obstacles thrown my way from the cleft have helped me become a much stronger, wiser person than if I hadn't otherwise.
2.Both of my parents were deceased by the time I was 30 so I've learned the most valuable commodity in life is time. I did not learn that until after my father died in 2006 and realized too late the time I missed with him...
3...So I'm determined to maximize the time I have with my own family because my oldest daughter was born 10 months after my Dad died. Tomorrow is never promised to us today.
4.Though adversity has been a constant in my life, I've learned to view it as a gift because its like strength training for the soul. The process of persevering and conquering teaches things about yourself and ideally you learn there are things you can accomplish you didn't realize you could before.
5.It's from my Dad that I get my warped sense of humor. His philosophy was when faced with the absurdities of life you have the option to either laugh or cry. I choose to laugh.
6.It's from my Mom that I learned empathy and it's best to try to see the beauty in all people which makes me seem agreeable to most people most of the time. I hope
7.It's because of my parents that I'm a terrible liar. My Dad was a Fraud Claims investigator and Mom a Criminal psychologist for the State of Ohio. Which means growing up I could never get away with lying, ever.
8.I've had 15 surgeries on my cleft starting when I was six months old and learned the most important part of any surgery beforehand is meeting the Anesthesiologist because your life is literally in their hands.
9.Four years of a all-boys, Catholic high school meant at the start of college I was four years behind the curve in talking to girls and having fun.
10.But joined a fraternity and quickly made up for lost time and learned many great friendships start out over a beer. Though I fear if my daughters hear stories from that era they may never look at me the same when they grow up. Thank God YouTube didn't exist in the late 90's
11.Best advice ever got was my high school history teacher Fr. Bennett who said 'Get a job that involves using your brain and using your creativity that cannot be easily outsourced, replicated, or copied. Because the days of earning $25 an hour manually and monotonously making stuff are over.' I wish Ohio's political leaders had listened to that and not underfunded its schools because it would not be in the sorry state that it's in right now.
12.I got a degree in Sociology and Geography which qualified you to be the most educated person working at a Dairy Queen....so I got a Master's in Demography which guaranteed being asked two things when mentioned in conversation: What is It? and What do you do with it?
13.Growing up in Columbus, Ohio I couldn't wait to get out and move to some city more exciting so took a chance on a job in Philadelphia which worked out very well. But I've learned where you grew up is always a part of you and whenever I go back to Columbus I can't seem to get enough.
14.Wherever you are in the World, whenever you tell someone you're from Columbus, their response is always 'Oh..Ohio State football, right?'.
15.Following Ohio sports teams means learning about futility. Especially Cleveland sports teams who just don't lose but go down in flaming, spectacular, epic defeat.
16.I met my wife on the Internet by fluke of chance of browsing random dating profiles and took a longshot of writing late one evening. I've learned that myth of destiny in finding 'The One' may not entirely be a crock of shit.
17.I'm very lucky to have my wife. Literally. I was two hours late for our first date but she still was willing to go out and ended up being one of funnest days of my life. Also my first e-mail was so riddled with typos she still keeps it...as a joke to show our kids. Lesson is to Spell Check..Always.
18.I learned she'll love me for me when she stayed at my apartment and being just out of grad school my Worldly possessions merely consisted of a Futon, Recliner, 15 year old TV and TV tray which served as my dinner table.
19.Best advice on marriage comes from comedian Ralphie May: 'Men have two options in marriage: Being right...or being happy'
20.The most annoying sound to a married woman is the theme song to ESPN SportsCenter
21.Kids are a healthier option than drugs as a cure for insomnia.
22.My biggest fear for my daughters is the spate of bullying which I hope is just a lot of media hype. My goal is to raise daughters who are strong and confident as to immune from trolls. And if that fails at least pass along my trait for having an quick wit and acid tongue enabling them to be a Tina Fey on steroids who bullies will think twice about messing with.
23.When high school comes around, my advice to my girls will be most of the non-academic portion of high school is bullshit because it absolutely does not reflect real life in any shape or form and essentially is a Theater of the Absurd. Just learn what your supposed to, make some meaningful friendships, do something constructive, and mainly worry about what happens afterward (like hopefully college)....
24....Because in adulthood the biggest losers in life are people who brag about being the 'cool kids' in high school which ends up being their biggest accomplishment in life.
25.It's because of my kids that I moved off the market research fast lane to the middle lane (which sometimes feels like the slow lane) because coming home everyday at a decent hour and getting time with them are more important than having a title or six figure salary.
26.I've spent the first 8 years of my professional life in the Pharmaceutical Industry and learned the scientists who research and develop new drugs have the noblest of intentions. The executives who market and sell those drugs do not.
27.The worst kind of boss is the one who bases performance solely on how early you come in and how late you stay in as opposed to what you accomplish in those hours. In the Market Research industry they prove the Peter Principle, that in business people rise to the level of their incompetence meaning the CEO very often is merely a blathering idiot.
28.In 2008 I was laid off marking the only time I ever got fired or lost a job in my life. And it ended being the greatest thing to ever happen in my career because I got my dream job 3 months afterward. Sometimes blessings can be very hidden.
29.Working in the Health Insurance Industry means whenever go to the doctor, and they ask what you do for a living, it's best not to mention you work in the Health Insurance Industry. Or be prepared to follow-up with 'I'm just a public health research analyst, no really I'm one of the good guys.'
30.Overall in my career I've had both victories and defeats. It's how you learn to handle defeat that determines ultimately if you are successful.
31.I'm Catholic and believe in God but my faith came about not from some burning bush conversion or forced adherence growing up but rather an intellectual conclusion that this complex, mysterious web of life could not have happened by happy accident. And that some mysterious force surely must govern the universe.
32.Though I agree with an atheist who once told me 'Jesus, like him lots. His followers, eh, not so much'. Far too often self-proclaimed devout Christians betray the common good.
33. Politically my views are a lot like my bowling game in that my ball tends to veer to the left. Though I try to hear all sides since very few issues are black and white. I've learned it's foolish to jump to an automatic viewpoint upon hearing an issue due solely to a pre-defined ideology.
34. I'm technically a registered Democrat though would not mind seeing a third, fourth, even fifth party. I will consider Republicans should that party ever become unhinged from the Far right and demonstrate some semblance of sanity on governing.
35. While some people fear the unlimited power of Government, I fear the unlimited power of corporations and wealthiest elements of our society. You don't get to a size of ExxonMobil or Goldman-Sachs without doing something immoral, illegal, or both.
36.In restaurants the bigger the menu, the less likely you'll be getting a good meal.
37.Strangest thing I've ever seen was at a dive, biker bar on the Jersey shore which was the Anti-Cheers where nobody knew my name and nobody was really glad I came. But they were all sitting around transfixed to the TV watching a Kylie Minogue concert.
38.If I won the lottery I would spend the money on traveling. Two of my most cherished possessions are my grandfather's passport which has over 100 country stamps and his vast collection of photographs from those travels. It taught me traveling is the best way to expand your mind and I've found when leaving one's friendly confines you come back a more enlightened person than when you left.
39. The most beautiful place I've ever seen is the base of Mt.Rainier in Washington state. This is what I imagine heaven would look like when you die.
40. My top destination I want to travel is the province of Asturias in Spain. You don't hear about it because of a conspiracy of silence by Spaniards to keep it themselves. But I want to get there before all the mass European tourist hordes discover it.
41.On the commuter trains I take to Philly for work I see Wall Street broker types and want to ask: In running in the corporate rat race with whom are you racing and what are you racing for?
42.My parents taught me not to curse. Not because its bad but because it shows other people you cannot express a complete thought without using foul language and are therefore judged to be an idiot. Though sometimes I break that rule because a well placed 'fuck' can help you be more demonstrative in making a point.
43. I don't blame Jon Gosselin for leaving Kate, though I do blame him for lousy taste in women.
44. I think 'The Wire' is the greatest TV show ever, and the fact it never won a Emmy taught me what's good is often very different from what's popular.
45.Finally if my Alma mater Bowling Green ever got smart and were to invite me to give the commencement address, I would mention how a Sociological study from Harvard which followed a class of its graduates from the 1940's over their lifetime taught me the two most important things I've learned about life so far:
First, the most important variable of determining success was not looks, money, privilege, gender, race, or social status, but sheer perseverance. What most successful graduates had in common were exhibiting true grit in the face of naysayers, doubters, and obstacles to where overtime they achieved their life goals regardless of whatever others wanted.
Second, the happiest of those graduates did not place importance on attaining wealth, or fame, or prominence but rather on accumulating memories and experiences. In particular the memories created by our family, friends, and loved ones and the memories we create for them. Because when our time on this Earth is up, ultimately that is all we will be remembered by.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Enough with the singing shows, Birther of a Nation, and Time Party Like Its 1945
The big news of the past month? - ...The Beatles albums are finally on iTunes!, but that's not all! We killed Osama bin Laden! This is probably how it felt back in 1945 for my grandparents when Hitler off'd himself at the end of WWII. Which means my Inbox is filling up with Osama jokes. My favorite thus far:
-If Osama wanted a mansion without working phones and internet, he should of signed up with AT&T
-From now on when mob disposes of a body in water, it will be referred to as 'Bin Laden Style'
-Entire raid was really to make up for Obama forgetting to get Hilary something for Secretary's Day
Hot New Real Estate Market: Greenland - Forget Beverly Hills or Miami Beach, the hot new property market is the frozen tundra of Greenland. That's according to geographer Laurence Smith resulting to a newly discovered gigantic oil reserve underneath all that ice and with global warming gradually defrosting Greenland it could be for the taking by 2030. Around that time the Inuit will be driving Rolls Royce snowmachines and living in igloos made of gold.
FUN BONUS FACT: Greenland was the World's first real estate scam, as in the 1200's Vikings cleverly named it 'Green' Land to entice people to settle the region. I'm about 75% sure that's true
And speaking of oil - ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson with a straight face blamed the escalating price on costs associated individual gas stations not the oil companies. They really are asking for a angry mob to show up at their headquarters with pitchforks and torches.
No really, the reality singing shows can stop - Yes I'll grant you American Idol has had some home runs, but for every Carrie Underwood or Kelly Clarkson there's about 15 Taylor Hicks and Clay Aikens. There are no less than 3 major network shows revolving around some 19 year olds having their dreams crushed by musucian has beens upcoming. Seeing as how music sales are down, shouldn't we be focusing on perpetrating less crap music, not more?
But this kind of music can keep coming - Just when you think music has become a bottomless pit of utterless void resembling Ryan Secrest's soul out comes hot new breakout artist Adele. She's sort of like Amy Winehouse except where the talent actually validates hype and music wasn't inspired by chemical dependency. She's sold over 2 million copies so lesson here is people over the age of 25 will still buy music that's smart, catchy, and deep when offered in the marketplace. Who knew?
Next Up for Donald Trump: The search for the Easter Bunny and a unicorn - Barack Obama was forced to release his long-form birth certificate proving he was born in Hawaii therefore an American citizen which was never an issue for the reality-based community. But of course to all the birthers, nothing short of a time machine to transport them to Honolulu circa 1961 to actually witness his birth will do, which shows the problem of conspiracy theorists.
Show them a birth certificate and they'll say 'No we want the REAL birth certificate'. You say this is the real birth certificate and they reply 'How do you know for sure?' In their alternate universe every new piece of evidence simply proves the conspiracy runs deeper. But the more simpler explanation is birtherism = polite racism. Because most 'birthers' seem to have certain racial beliefs like an Black man could never legitimately be elected President.
And speaking of conspiracy theorists - Glenn Beck learned his fearmongering, vile show will not coming back to Fox News proving that even CEO Roger Ailes has some journalistic standards. Beck's spin will be his cancellation was a vast conpsiracy of Zionists in collusion with liberal elite media in collusion with Islamic terrorists in collusion with Freemasons in collusion with aliens from AlphaZeta9 forced him off the air.
The alternative explanation is really its all about cold hard cash. After the shooting of US congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, right wing media outlets were forced to do the math and realized if the shooter had been inspired by one of their talking heads, in legal parlance the liability would equate to 'a shitload of money'. And of course when you prophesize a doomsday scenario resulting from an Obama Presidency and then said scenario never materializes, you sort of lose credibility. Just saying.
How our Government Works - Recently introduced in Congress by Michele Bachmann (R - Crazytown) is 'The Lightbulb Freedom of Choice Act' (I shit you not, look up HR 5616). See back in 2007, that rabid treehugger George Bush signed a law phasing out incondescent lightbulbs in favor of longer lasting, more efficient flourescent lightbulbs that used much less energy and were better for the environment by mid-decade. Bachmann's problem isn't that these new lightbulbs had safety issues or didn't work or didn't save money. They actually saved a lot of money, but for Bachmann it saved money for the wrong people. Namely to the benefit of consumers and not Electric and Utility companies who through their lobbyists basically wrote the bill. And that's democracy in action because we are a government of the corporation, by the corporation, and for the corporation.
'You know how I know you're gay?' - A discussion about whether Lady Gaga is merely a rip-off of Madonna in the 80's is not a gay conversation. But when you are Bryan Fischer chief bigot spokesperson of the anti-gay American Family Association, it's very gay. Fisher went into that debate on his weekly internet podcast diatribe (which isn't worth watching unless you like getting the creeps) which reiterates my theory of homophobia: Supposedly non-gay people who obsess over the gay lifestyle to demonize it are actually gay. Something tells me Fisher's TIVO has the full season of Glee recorded.
Nobel Winning Economist has message for Wealthiest 1%: Start Sharing the Wealth or Face Revolution - In a column for Vanity Fair Joseph Stiglitz noted that in 2010 25% of America's wealth is owned by just 1% of the population, compared to 25 years ago when they owned just 12%. Plus they're incomes went up by 18% while men with only high school diploma went down by 13% in the same span.
His warning to those 1% is look to revolutions in Tunisia and Egypt where the other 99% decided they had enough and brought down the ruling elite. Or going further back ask Russian Czar Nicholas II or Marie Antionette how income inequality played out for them. So Stiglitz suggests now might be a good time to take some excess wealth and invest in things that would perhaps create jobs and bolster the middle class. Personally I don't think there will literally be class warfare unless the Tea Party crowd figures out they've been had then all bets are off.
But someone clearly isn't heeding Stiglitz's message - Should Obama win a second term, at his inaguration he can personally thank Congressman Rep. Paul Ryan (R - Wisconsin) whose 'Roadmap to Prosperity' which serves as the official GOP economic plan calls for privitizing Medicare and eliminating Social Secuirty for people now under the age of 55 while providing tax breaks to corporations with low taxes to pay off Gov't debt. In other words shifting the burden of healthcare and retirement costs to the elderly thereby balancing the budget which allows the rich to take their tax savings and create new jobs and everybody gets rich! (well that's the theory at least and Ryan also noted in the future hot chicks will finally dig guys for their personality alone)
Needless to say as Republicans have found out back in their home districts, this plan has gone over about as well as a fart on a crowded airplane. Because for some reason a lot of elderly are altruistic and worry about the younger generations because they can remember what life was like for the elderly before Social Security and Medicare (it sucked). And the young like the idea of living long enough to enjoy their grandkids while not living in poverty or gravely ill. The old political truism has been Social Security and Medicare are the third rail of electoral politics, touch it and you die. And polling is starting to show the GOP could lose Congress next year and Ryan may be a crispy critter when all is said and done.
When Science fiction is not stranger than Reality - In the 1987 awesomely bad movie RoboCop which takes place in a not too distant dystopian future where the city of Detroit, Michigan is so crime ridden and unlivable that an autocratic corporation takes the place of elected government to run things and clean up the streets. And its up to RoboCop to save the day and fight crime while overthrowing the evil company and saving democracy...yada,yada,yada.
Now present day, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder has enacted an Emergency Manager Law which allows him to install unelected 'Emergency' managers for troubled cities and towns dissolving the local government and leaving decisions to one person unaccountable to residents. Civil libertarians should take note, Snyder already enacted this provision in Benton Harbor, MI where the 'emergency' manager has ties to a local land developer who for years wanted the town's prized lake front property. But those pesky elected officials always denied him citing public use for families, beach preservation, affordable housing, yada, yada, yada. But now suprise, suprise, one of his first acts was to authorize the sale of this land to said developer. Not saying this law is a nefarious attempt by the State's powerful elite to circumvent local elected officials...well actually yeah that's what I'm saying.
FUN BONUS FACT: RoboCop has perhaps the greatest death scene ever in an action movie when a drug dealer falls into a vat of toxic waste during a gun battle with the aforementioned protagonist in some abandoned factory. He then emerges from the vat a hot mess (that's putting it lightly) and gets run over by another fleeing drug dealer and....well worth seeing if you're up at 4 in the morning and catch it on Cinemax sometime.
-If Osama wanted a mansion without working phones and internet, he should of signed up with AT&T
-From now on when mob disposes of a body in water, it will be referred to as 'Bin Laden Style'
-Entire raid was really to make up for Obama forgetting to get Hilary something for Secretary's Day
Hot New Real Estate Market: Greenland - Forget Beverly Hills or Miami Beach, the hot new property market is the frozen tundra of Greenland. That's according to geographer Laurence Smith resulting to a newly discovered gigantic oil reserve underneath all that ice and with global warming gradually defrosting Greenland it could be for the taking by 2030. Around that time the Inuit will be driving Rolls Royce snowmachines and living in igloos made of gold.
FUN BONUS FACT: Greenland was the World's first real estate scam, as in the 1200's Vikings cleverly named it 'Green' Land to entice people to settle the region. I'm about 75% sure that's true
And speaking of oil - ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson with a straight face blamed the escalating price on costs associated individual gas stations not the oil companies. They really are asking for a angry mob to show up at their headquarters with pitchforks and torches.
No really, the reality singing shows can stop - Yes I'll grant you American Idol has had some home runs, but for every Carrie Underwood or Kelly Clarkson there's about 15 Taylor Hicks and Clay Aikens. There are no less than 3 major network shows revolving around some 19 year olds having their dreams crushed by musucian has beens upcoming. Seeing as how music sales are down, shouldn't we be focusing on perpetrating less crap music, not more?
But this kind of music can keep coming - Just when you think music has become a bottomless pit of utterless void resembling Ryan Secrest's soul out comes hot new breakout artist Adele. She's sort of like Amy Winehouse except where the talent actually validates hype and music wasn't inspired by chemical dependency. She's sold over 2 million copies so lesson here is people over the age of 25 will still buy music that's smart, catchy, and deep when offered in the marketplace. Who knew?
Next Up for Donald Trump: The search for the Easter Bunny and a unicorn - Barack Obama was forced to release his long-form birth certificate proving he was born in Hawaii therefore an American citizen which was never an issue for the reality-based community. But of course to all the birthers, nothing short of a time machine to transport them to Honolulu circa 1961 to actually witness his birth will do, which shows the problem of conspiracy theorists.
Show them a birth certificate and they'll say 'No we want the REAL birth certificate'. You say this is the real birth certificate and they reply 'How do you know for sure?' In their alternate universe every new piece of evidence simply proves the conspiracy runs deeper. But the more simpler explanation is birtherism = polite racism. Because most 'birthers' seem to have certain racial beliefs like an Black man could never legitimately be elected President.
And speaking of conspiracy theorists - Glenn Beck learned his fearmongering, vile show will not coming back to Fox News proving that even CEO Roger Ailes has some journalistic standards. Beck's spin will be his cancellation was a vast conpsiracy of Zionists in collusion with liberal elite media in collusion with Islamic terrorists in collusion with Freemasons in collusion with aliens from AlphaZeta9 forced him off the air.
The alternative explanation is really its all about cold hard cash. After the shooting of US congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, right wing media outlets were forced to do the math and realized if the shooter had been inspired by one of their talking heads, in legal parlance the liability would equate to 'a shitload of money'. And of course when you prophesize a doomsday scenario resulting from an Obama Presidency and then said scenario never materializes, you sort of lose credibility. Just saying.
How our Government Works - Recently introduced in Congress by Michele Bachmann (R - Crazytown) is 'The Lightbulb Freedom of Choice Act' (I shit you not, look up HR 5616). See back in 2007, that rabid treehugger George Bush signed a law phasing out incondescent lightbulbs in favor of longer lasting, more efficient flourescent lightbulbs that used much less energy and were better for the environment by mid-decade. Bachmann's problem isn't that these new lightbulbs had safety issues or didn't work or didn't save money. They actually saved a lot of money, but for Bachmann it saved money for the wrong people. Namely to the benefit of consumers and not Electric and Utility companies who through their lobbyists basically wrote the bill. And that's democracy in action because we are a government of the corporation, by the corporation, and for the corporation.
'You know how I know you're gay?' - A discussion about whether Lady Gaga is merely a rip-off of Madonna in the 80's is not a gay conversation. But when you are Bryan Fischer chief bigot spokesperson of the anti-gay American Family Association, it's very gay. Fisher went into that debate on his weekly internet podcast diatribe (which isn't worth watching unless you like getting the creeps) which reiterates my theory of homophobia: Supposedly non-gay people who obsess over the gay lifestyle to demonize it are actually gay. Something tells me Fisher's TIVO has the full season of Glee recorded.
Nobel Winning Economist has message for Wealthiest 1%: Start Sharing the Wealth or Face Revolution - In a column for Vanity Fair Joseph Stiglitz noted that in 2010 25% of America's wealth is owned by just 1% of the population, compared to 25 years ago when they owned just 12%. Plus they're incomes went up by 18% while men with only high school diploma went down by 13% in the same span.
His warning to those 1% is look to revolutions in Tunisia and Egypt where the other 99% decided they had enough and brought down the ruling elite. Or going further back ask Russian Czar Nicholas II or Marie Antionette how income inequality played out for them. So Stiglitz suggests now might be a good time to take some excess wealth and invest in things that would perhaps create jobs and bolster the middle class. Personally I don't think there will literally be class warfare unless the Tea Party crowd figures out they've been had then all bets are off.
But someone clearly isn't heeding Stiglitz's message - Should Obama win a second term, at his inaguration he can personally thank Congressman Rep. Paul Ryan (R - Wisconsin) whose 'Roadmap to Prosperity' which serves as the official GOP economic plan calls for privitizing Medicare and eliminating Social Secuirty for people now under the age of 55 while providing tax breaks to corporations with low taxes to pay off Gov't debt. In other words shifting the burden of healthcare and retirement costs to the elderly thereby balancing the budget which allows the rich to take their tax savings and create new jobs and everybody gets rich! (well that's the theory at least and Ryan also noted in the future hot chicks will finally dig guys for their personality alone)
Needless to say as Republicans have found out back in their home districts, this plan has gone over about as well as a fart on a crowded airplane. Because for some reason a lot of elderly are altruistic and worry about the younger generations because they can remember what life was like for the elderly before Social Security and Medicare (it sucked). And the young like the idea of living long enough to enjoy their grandkids while not living in poverty or gravely ill. The old political truism has been Social Security and Medicare are the third rail of electoral politics, touch it and you die. And polling is starting to show the GOP could lose Congress next year and Ryan may be a crispy critter when all is said and done.
When Science fiction is not stranger than Reality - In the 1987 awesomely bad movie RoboCop which takes place in a not too distant dystopian future where the city of Detroit, Michigan is so crime ridden and unlivable that an autocratic corporation takes the place of elected government to run things and clean up the streets. And its up to RoboCop to save the day and fight crime while overthrowing the evil company and saving democracy...yada,yada,yada.
Now present day, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder has enacted an Emergency Manager Law which allows him to install unelected 'Emergency' managers for troubled cities and towns dissolving the local government and leaving decisions to one person unaccountable to residents. Civil libertarians should take note, Snyder already enacted this provision in Benton Harbor, MI where the 'emergency' manager has ties to a local land developer who for years wanted the town's prized lake front property. But those pesky elected officials always denied him citing public use for families, beach preservation, affordable housing, yada, yada, yada. But now suprise, suprise, one of his first acts was to authorize the sale of this land to said developer. Not saying this law is a nefarious attempt by the State's powerful elite to circumvent local elected officials...well actually yeah that's what I'm saying.
FUN BONUS FACT: RoboCop has perhaps the greatest death scene ever in an action movie when a drug dealer falls into a vat of toxic waste during a gun battle with the aforementioned protagonist in some abandoned factory. He then emerges from the vat a hot mess (that's putting it lightly) and gets run over by another fleeing drug dealer and....well worth seeing if you're up at 4 in the morning and catch it on Cinemax sometime.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Libya, The Lamest Sex Scandal Ever, and 10 Things that make John Boehner Cry
Twitter validates the existence of Public Relations Reps – With the advent of Twitter the time and distance between a celebrity saying something really stupid and career ruin is milliseconds. Twenty four hours after the tragic tsunami in Japan. Gilbert Gottfried tweeted ‘The Japanese are so rich, they can have the shoreline come to them’ which the following day led to him losing his endorsement deal for Aflac and just about any entertainment job in the next few months. This is truly a gilded age for PR reps who probably have their Blackberry physically implanted in their ear now. Handling celebrities in this new era of social networking is probably like riding in the passenger seat of a sports car being driven by Gary Busey.
Libya: The revolution will be televised – Not sure if the airstrikes over Libya are wise decision but I do feel that the benefit to Qaddafi being toppled is the Libyan people having a leader who will be much better dressed. Qaddafi pretty much ruled like he dressed, as a truly hot mess. His style could best be described as Laurence of Arabia meets Liberace.
Never underestimate the power of stupidity following a Natural Disaster Part 1 – During the US-Argentina soccer match at the Meadowlands in New Jersey. Someone yelled ‘Konitchiwa bitches!’ during a moment of silence for victims of the Japanese earthquake, and tsunami. I believe there was a time when it was acceptable, even encouraged to drag idiots out into the street and beat them until they were able to think straight.
Never underestimate the power of stupidity following a Natural Disaster Part 2 – A week after the tsunami wiped away whole towns in Japan, the House of Representatives in their proposed budget voted to cutting funds for the US Tsunami Early Warning System. I believe there was a time when the people in Congress represented the best and brightest this country had to offer as willful ignorance was not considered a enviable character trait.
Fun Party Game – Guess which of the two situations the following statement is most likely to be heard: ‘Turn it off! Turn It Off!... God please make it stop!’ Is it someone in the basement of an S&M chamber or someone listening to Kim Kardashian's new single?
The kids actually are alright – Over the past 2 years the US teen pregnancy rate has dropped and researchers actually credited the MTV white trash-sploitation series '16 and Pregnant'. Who knew that kids watching bad role models on TV would persuade them to do the opposite and make good life choices? One can only hope that 'The Jersey Shore' will lead to a surge in literacy and college graduation rates.
The Most Pathetic Sex Scandal Ever – Congressman Chris Lee from New York was forced to resign after being caught soliciting women via Craigslist for sex. (Fun Bonus fact: he was later discovered trolling around the transsexual escort section). If you are going busted for an extra-marital affair at least make it worth your while and actually have sex. If your career is going to be destroyed by a cellphone pic at least go out in a blaze of glory with a picture of you snorting coke off a hooker’s ass or something. On the Eliot Spitzer scale of politician horndoggery this ranks a big fat 0.
Best Moment of Unintended Hilarity Nominee, Part 1 – In Fort Wayne, Indiana a proposal to build a statue honoring a former mayor had to be shelved, not because noted mayor ever did anything wrong. But because noted mayor’s name was Harry Baals, and apparently the city hall got tired of being asked if the statue had a pair of big brass ones or it enjoyed giving a Roman Soldier helmet.
Best Moment of Unintended Hilarity Nominee, Part 2 – The Utah state legislature elicited all sorts of childish pointing and giggling when at a press conference announced The Dutch Oven had been voted as official state appliance. The joke was lost on lawmakers until a few of them went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner and a waiter explained why they might want to avoid the refried beans.
How ‘The Bachelor’ validates the existence of gay marriage – A feminist friend once argued that a show like The Bachelor does more to hurt women than porn ever will. Mainly because it makes women seem like the only way to validate their lives if they have some handsome, rich tool marry them. I’ll add to that in saying if heterosexual marriage is now exemplified by a game show where 16 women whore themselves out to some dolt who won the genetic lottery all for a diamond ring. Then why can’t gays and lesbians marry?
Top 10 Things that make John Boehner Cry – Well its official, men can cry in public without scorn as evidenced by Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner’s frequent sobbing. Here is a definitive list that will guarantee the waterworks from the distinguished gentleman from Ohio:
1.The sound of little children at play
2.Kittens
3.Freshly cut grass on a golf course when Spring is in bloom and sun is shining and the clubhouse tab picked up by someone else
4.The clinking sound ice makes when put into glass followed by the pouring of Scotch after a hard day of “doin’ the people’s business” at the private Congressional lounge.
5.Savoring the aroma from unwrapping a new pack of Marlboro Lights
6.The view from a private jet en route to a corporate sponsored junket in Hawaii
7.The peace and quiet that follows a meeting with Newt Gingrich
8.The tragedy of when a Fortune 500 company can’t utilize loopholes in the corporate tax code to avoid taxes on mega profits
9.The emptiness felt when looking at the corner of his office where his tanning machine would normally be but is in the repair shop.
10.That crisp smell of pen ink emanating off a freshly written tobacco lobby check which takes him back to the first time he realized being Speaker means you don’t have to ask for money. The money comes asking for you.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
In Defense of Public Employees
Normally I don't get swept up too heavily in political issues or causes because frankly it would make me mental (and my wife will attest I already have enough of that). But one issue though has grabbed my attention enough so that I can't help but add my voice to already crowded blogosphere.
Over the past week, Republican statehouses in Wisconsin, Ohio, and Indiana have introduced legislation to essentially destroy the unions of Public workers which hits home for me because both my parents worked for the State of Ohio. Before you assume my parents were the oft-repeated stereotype of the lazy, underwhelming, mediocre public worker who could not hack it in the private sector allow me to break some pre-conceived notions.
My Dad managed about dozen investigators for the worker's comp fraud division and annually saved Ohio taxpayers millions of dollars by rooting out bad, fraudulent claims and recuperating money taken from these claims. He was frequently out in the field trying to catch cheats in the act and once had his car window smashed by a baseball bat, and even had a shotgun pointed at him.
Some people liken their workplace to an insane asylum but my Mom actually worked in one. As a psychologist specializing in Schizophrenia, she worked at the Central Ohio Psychiatric Hospital evaluating accused criminals claiming insanity to determine state of mind at time of crime for legal proceedings. Essentially her job was to root out the bullshit artists from those who were actually crazy. Fun bonus fact: the old COPH hospital was creepy and haunted! (a story for another time).
Needless to say due to the nature of thier jobs, when 'Take Your Kid To Work' day came around I was stuck at school. It also meant I could never get away with lying, ever. But I wonder if Ohio Gov.John Kasich (R-Assclown) would consider my parents not worthy of the right to collective bargain pay raises and health insurance in return for good, honest work? My parents like many other public employees were smart, skilled people providing a important role to the general public. Like teachers, policemen, social workers, civil engineers, policy analysts, etc. They chose to take a lower pay in the public sector because they felt their jobs meant something and were important to society at large (see below).
Over the past week, Republican statehouses in Wisconsin, Ohio, and Indiana have introduced legislation to essentially destroy the unions of Public workers which hits home for me because both my parents worked for the State of Ohio. Before you assume my parents were the oft-repeated stereotype of the lazy, underwhelming, mediocre public worker who could not hack it in the private sector allow me to break some pre-conceived notions.
My Dad managed about dozen investigators for the worker's comp fraud division and annually saved Ohio taxpayers millions of dollars by rooting out bad, fraudulent claims and recuperating money taken from these claims. He was frequently out in the field trying to catch cheats in the act and once had his car window smashed by a baseball bat, and even had a shotgun pointed at him.
Some people liken their workplace to an insane asylum but my Mom actually worked in one. As a psychologist specializing in Schizophrenia, she worked at the Central Ohio Psychiatric Hospital evaluating accused criminals claiming insanity to determine state of mind at time of crime for legal proceedings. Essentially her job was to root out the bullshit artists from those who were actually crazy. Fun bonus fact: the old COPH hospital was creepy and haunted! (a story for another time).
Needless to say due to the nature of thier jobs, when 'Take Your Kid To Work' day came around I was stuck at school. It also meant I could never get away with lying, ever. But I wonder if Ohio Gov.John Kasich (R-Assclown) would consider my parents not worthy of the right to collective bargain pay raises and health insurance in return for good, honest work? My parents like many other public employees were smart, skilled people providing a important role to the general public. Like teachers, policemen, social workers, civil engineers, policy analysts, etc. They chose to take a lower pay in the public sector because they felt their jobs meant something and were important to society at large (see below).
But they also from time to time needed the protection of unions because in a political environment like State Gov't, the little guy needs someone on their side. In the 1970's my Mom evaluated a serial rapist named Billy Milligan (good info on Wikipedia) who claimed to have multiple personalities. My mom stated he wasn't crazy but was actually a brilliant sociopath who managed to con several supposed top-flight experts. She was overruled and Milligan was released and went on to rape several coeds at Ohio State. When my Mom blew the whistle her bosses tried to punish her, but thankfully the union stood up for us and protected her job.
Now Mr.Kasich believe it or not we've met before when I was in the 1st grade and you came to talk to us kids about Politics back when you were starting a undistinguished career in Congress. Which dovetailed to a undistinguished TV show on Fox News followed by a undistinguished career in the private sector, which should result in a undistinguished term as Governor. Even then I could tell you were sleazeball and a liar (those lollypops handouts you probably stole from some other kids).
So let's be honest Mr.Kasich is it coincidence that three Republican held statehouses are enacting the exact same legislation at the same time? No, because frankly Governor you're really not that smart. I have the feeling this is just the first shot in attempt by the mighty corporate oligarchy of this country to roll back Labor laws to the 19th century. If we follow the money we find the same Billionaires who bankroll the 'Tea Party movement*' (What? You thought it was a spontaneous movement?) funded these politicians to have their self interests enacted under the guise of public policy.
(*-Tea Party officially licensed as subsidiary of Koch Enterprises, Inc.)
I support capitalism as much as Donald Trump but I also support the worker's rights to organize, workplace safety, anti-discrimination, equal pay for equal work among men and women, unemployment insurance, overtime if you work more than 40 hours, and that kids under age of 18 actually have to go to school instead of serving as cheap labor. To answer Glenn Beck these are not communist values but American values. Rights that unions and workers have fought throughout our history and are still worth fighting for today.
If you are a private sector employee and think none of this has anything to do with you think again. Watch, soon we'll be asked to relinquish unemployment benefits, then Medicare, then Social Security in the name of shared sacrifice because apparently raising taxes on rich individuals and corporations to balance budgets is tantamount to terrorism (or something). Notice how public sector workers conveniently provide a scapegoat by both Repubs and Democrats alike to blame for budget deficits and other fiscal misadventures.
Now before the Palinites send the hatemail understand I believe in limited Gov't and balanced budgets. Ideally Gov't should be like an iPhone: small, but highly effective and serving many needs at once while making most efficient use of resources. But I also believe we need Gov't to serve interest of people not corporations. And as the most prosperous country on Earth there's no reason that business owners can't enjoy profits while their workers enjoy a decent wage to have a comfortable living. So in other words. quit blaming public service workers!
And that's all I got to say about that!
Now Mr.Kasich believe it or not we've met before when I was in the 1st grade and you came to talk to us kids about Politics back when you were starting a undistinguished career in Congress. Which dovetailed to a undistinguished TV show on Fox News followed by a undistinguished career in the private sector, which should result in a undistinguished term as Governor. Even then I could tell you were sleazeball and a liar (those lollypops handouts you probably stole from some other kids).
So let's be honest Mr.Kasich is it coincidence that three Republican held statehouses are enacting the exact same legislation at the same time? No, because frankly Governor you're really not that smart. I have the feeling this is just the first shot in attempt by the mighty corporate oligarchy of this country to roll back Labor laws to the 19th century. If we follow the money we find the same Billionaires who bankroll the 'Tea Party movement*' (What? You thought it was a spontaneous movement?) funded these politicians to have their self interests enacted under the guise of public policy.
(*-Tea Party officially licensed as subsidiary of Koch Enterprises, Inc.)
I support capitalism as much as Donald Trump but I also support the worker's rights to organize, workplace safety, anti-discrimination, equal pay for equal work among men and women, unemployment insurance, overtime if you work more than 40 hours, and that kids under age of 18 actually have to go to school instead of serving as cheap labor. To answer Glenn Beck these are not communist values but American values. Rights that unions and workers have fought throughout our history and are still worth fighting for today.
If you are a private sector employee and think none of this has anything to do with you think again. Watch, soon we'll be asked to relinquish unemployment benefits, then Medicare, then Social Security in the name of shared sacrifice because apparently raising taxes on rich individuals and corporations to balance budgets is tantamount to terrorism (or something). Notice how public sector workers conveniently provide a scapegoat by both Repubs and Democrats alike to blame for budget deficits and other fiscal misadventures.
Now before the Palinites send the hatemail understand I believe in limited Gov't and balanced budgets. Ideally Gov't should be like an iPhone: small, but highly effective and serving many needs at once while making most efficient use of resources. But I also believe we need Gov't to serve interest of people not corporations. And as the most prosperous country on Earth there's no reason that business owners can't enjoy profits while their workers enjoy a decent wage to have a comfortable living. So in other words. quit blaming public service workers!
And that's all I got to say about that!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Five Celebrities who I wish would retire
The hardest thing in a person’s life is knowing when it’s time to exit the stage. That pearl of wisdom came to me in college during Homecoming in the form of a drunk 70 year alumni at a liquor store who I think was talking about life. But he also may have been talking about calling it night after peeing his pants and collapsing into a empty case of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the parking lot. However that’s a discussion for another day
Anyway at some point in our lives it is time to call it a career and ride off into the sunset while ideally you’re still on top and the only other way forward is down. That’s especially true of celebrities where careers are like parties. It’s alright to be there first at the party, but not last and certainly not BOTH. The perfect timing for exiting a party is to of duck out right when you sense the party has crested and the downswing is about to begin. Best example was Johnny Carson who upon retirement in 1992 never had higher ratings and his comedy had never lost an edge. We’ll always remember Johnny at his best. Sadly the same cannot be said of these celebrities who not only stayed at the party too long but are still there long after the cleaning lady left.
1.Hugh Hefner – The man who started the flames of the sexual revolution and convinced Americans to loosen up their collar while unbuttoning something else seemed to have the fitting ending when he married in the early 80’s and settled down. The persona of velvet robe wearing, pipe smoking, and Martini drinking ladies man put to rest and ideally memorialized in the Smithsonian or some another monument to Pop Culture. Freeze frame. Cue credits. Story done.
But then he divorced, and then Viagra happened to where as he got older the women got younger and the World’s oldest bachelor schtick got really stale. And instead of looking cool, it just looks downright creepy. As Chris Rock put it ‘The real reason men marry? Cause they don’t to be the old man at the club’. Which is great advice for kids along with Rock’s other truism ‘Regardless of whatever a stripper tells you. There’s absolutely no sex in the champagne room.’ (Does not apply to professional athletes, rappers, or Charlie Sheen)
2. Dick Clark – Anyone who went to a New Year’s party undoubtedly counted it down with Dick Clark and his allegedly ‘rockin’ TV special. At every party, I’ll bet there was some smackass who had a little too much to drink and decided to entertain the crowd with a Dick Clark impersonation. And most likely it wasn’t flattering given this New Year’s for Clark was his 8th after the stroke which robbed him of smooth voice and delivery. Not to mention he looked even weirder with his new facelift.
We all applauded his triumphant return in 2004 and that seemed like a good time to hand over the keys to the human whitenoise machine, Ryan Secrest. But he stayed on and lately the typical countdown has not been going too well: “10,9,8,7,7,7..uh 5,3 (Officially midnight, bal hits bottom),4,2,1 Happy Birthday!..no..wait… New Year’s…YAY!” Now I’m not making light of or poking fun at stroke victims but I’d like to say to Dickie C. is "It’s Ok to let go. There’s no shame in walking away’ Because we’d like to remember the World’s Oldest Teenager as just that: a teenager. And not a grim walking reminder of the cruel frailty of life.
3. Pam Anderson – Oh, Pammy can we talk? Let’s be honest. Sure you were hottest woman on the planet, but that was circa 1990 in the era before internet porn, where unless your dad had a Playboy subscription, the only satisfaction a hormonal filled teenager could get was watching Who’s the Boss reruns with Alyssa Milano or Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie’ music video when no one else was around. That’s not to take away from your accomplishment of having best selling Playboy issues of all time and causing a generation of Moms to ask ‘Who the hell keeps using up all the Kleenex?’
But then you got implants, got married to Tommy Lee, and all of our hearts were broken when that sex tape leaked and ruined the fantasy. Now it’s just sad especially that gravity has taken hold. As one comedienne put it ‘Pam Anderson taking off her clothes is like the ending to any M.Night Shyamalan movie. In both cases you’re wondering what the hell was that.’ There really is something to said about aging gracefully and dressing age appropriate. It’s about recognizing that while life comes in stages and some things in the past can’t be recaptured, you can still be sexy at any age. Perhaps Pam could take a turn on the cover of AARP magazine. Then it would mark the first time in over a decade someone snuck off alone to the bathroom with a magazine featuring her.
4.Larry King – oh never mind. CNN already took care of that.
5.Jaden and Willow Smith – Now I know they’re just kids but this crap can stop right now. I’m serious. This is bulls**t. Will Smith would have better luck reigniting Jazzy Jeff’s career then trying to launch his offspring. They have about as much talent as those idiots who try out for American Idol. You know the really bad ones who may have a mental disorder. But at least some of the rejects on Idol are entertaining. This is nepotism at its worst. And don’t even try to make the argument ‘Well Sofia Coppola did pretty on her own well even though her dad is Francis Ford Coppola’ It’s a false equivalency so don’t even go there! Its not even close…ugggh where’s the Advil
Anyway at some point in our lives it is time to call it a career and ride off into the sunset while ideally you’re still on top and the only other way forward is down. That’s especially true of celebrities where careers are like parties. It’s alright to be there first at the party, but not last and certainly not BOTH. The perfect timing for exiting a party is to of duck out right when you sense the party has crested and the downswing is about to begin. Best example was Johnny Carson who upon retirement in 1992 never had higher ratings and his comedy had never lost an edge. We’ll always remember Johnny at his best. Sadly the same cannot be said of these celebrities who not only stayed at the party too long but are still there long after the cleaning lady left.
1.Hugh Hefner – The man who started the flames of the sexual revolution and convinced Americans to loosen up their collar while unbuttoning something else seemed to have the fitting ending when he married in the early 80’s and settled down. The persona of velvet robe wearing, pipe smoking, and Martini drinking ladies man put to rest and ideally memorialized in the Smithsonian or some another monument to Pop Culture. Freeze frame. Cue credits. Story done.
But then he divorced, and then Viagra happened to where as he got older the women got younger and the World’s oldest bachelor schtick got really stale. And instead of looking cool, it just looks downright creepy. As Chris Rock put it ‘The real reason men marry? Cause they don’t to be the old man at the club’. Which is great advice for kids along with Rock’s other truism ‘Regardless of whatever a stripper tells you. There’s absolutely no sex in the champagne room.’ (Does not apply to professional athletes, rappers, or Charlie Sheen)
2. Dick Clark – Anyone who went to a New Year’s party undoubtedly counted it down with Dick Clark and his allegedly ‘rockin’ TV special. At every party, I’ll bet there was some smackass who had a little too much to drink and decided to entertain the crowd with a Dick Clark impersonation. And most likely it wasn’t flattering given this New Year’s for Clark was his 8th after the stroke which robbed him of smooth voice and delivery. Not to mention he looked even weirder with his new facelift.
We all applauded his triumphant return in 2004 and that seemed like a good time to hand over the keys to the human whitenoise machine, Ryan Secrest. But he stayed on and lately the typical countdown has not been going too well: “10,9,8,7,7,7..uh 5,3 (Officially midnight, bal hits bottom),4,2,1 Happy Birthday!..no..wait… New Year’s…YAY!” Now I’m not making light of or poking fun at stroke victims but I’d like to say to Dickie C. is "It’s Ok to let go. There’s no shame in walking away’ Because we’d like to remember the World’s Oldest Teenager as just that: a teenager. And not a grim walking reminder of the cruel frailty of life.
3. Pam Anderson – Oh, Pammy can we talk? Let’s be honest. Sure you were hottest woman on the planet, but that was circa 1990 in the era before internet porn, where unless your dad had a Playboy subscription, the only satisfaction a hormonal filled teenager could get was watching Who’s the Boss reruns with Alyssa Milano or Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie’ music video when no one else was around. That’s not to take away from your accomplishment of having best selling Playboy issues of all time and causing a generation of Moms to ask ‘Who the hell keeps using up all the Kleenex?’
But then you got implants, got married to Tommy Lee, and all of our hearts were broken when that sex tape leaked and ruined the fantasy. Now it’s just sad especially that gravity has taken hold. As one comedienne put it ‘Pam Anderson taking off her clothes is like the ending to any M.Night Shyamalan movie. In both cases you’re wondering what the hell was that.’ There really is something to said about aging gracefully and dressing age appropriate. It’s about recognizing that while life comes in stages and some things in the past can’t be recaptured, you can still be sexy at any age. Perhaps Pam could take a turn on the cover of AARP magazine. Then it would mark the first time in over a decade someone snuck off alone to the bathroom with a magazine featuring her.
4.Larry King – oh never mind. CNN already took care of that.
5.Jaden and Willow Smith – Now I know they’re just kids but this crap can stop right now. I’m serious. This is bulls**t. Will Smith would have better luck reigniting Jazzy Jeff’s career then trying to launch his offspring. They have about as much talent as those idiots who try out for American Idol. You know the really bad ones who may have a mental disorder. But at least some of the rejects on Idol are entertaining. This is nepotism at its worst. And don’t even try to make the argument ‘Well Sofia Coppola did pretty on her own well even though her dad is Francis Ford Coppola’ It’s a false equivalency so don’t even go there! Its not even close…ugggh where’s the Advil
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Five Celebrities whose careers I don't understand
With British actor Rupert Everett’s recent http://thecelebritycafe.com/feature/rupert-everett-disses-jennifer-aniston-12-30-2010 epic rant of questioning why Jennifer Aniston has a career of course got him crucified by the celebrity fluffer crowd since she apparently occupies some Hollywood royalty. Seeing as a funeral gets more laughs than one of her patented romantic ‘comedies’ it does raise the question of why does she still have career. Post Friends she has 0 Oscar noms, 0 successful movies and since 0+0=0 that should be the sum of her box office viability. In the real world regardless of your chosen profession if you suck at what you do chances are you won’t last long in that career (unless you work at our local K-Mart then you get promoted to store manager.) but I digress.
This got me thinking about five other celebrities whose career I don’t understand
1.Gwyneth Paltrow - Owen Gleiberman at Entertainment Weekly recently http://insidemovies.ew.com/2011/01/12/gwyneth-paltrow-why-do-they-hate-her/ovies.ew.com/2011/01/12/gwyneth-paltrow-why-do-they-hate-her/ asked whether Paltrow’s movies bomb because of audience’s perceived bias against her because of privileged background. There is that, given her insufferable attitude exhibited early in her career (remember the ‘revolted by Americans’ comment) and let’s be honest would she have gotten famous if her mother wasn’t Blythe Danner (Answer No.)
My response to Mr. Gleiberman is she is underappreciated because of her underwhelming talent. Yes she’s an alright actress but if acting were like dessert, Paltrow would be vanilla ice cream compared to the Ben and Jerry flavors of a Kate Winslet or gourmet chocolate cake of a Meryl Streep. Oh one more thing Mr.Gleiberman, according to your magazine's poll of Oscar voters. If there was ever a recall vote for Academy Awards, her 1998 one for Best Actress would be going to Cate Blanchett.
2.Ryan Secrest - Here's where I’m confused. When I think of the qualities needed for a live TV show host I think of someone with charisma, charm, and above all a personality. Same goes for a radio host, and a New Year’s Eve host especially if they get paid $20 million a year. Which brings me to the human rice cake Ryan Secrest. His career personifies my Jonas Brothers theory of music applied to television. Simply put the theory states network TV like radio has now gone full circle from its inception in the 50’s of bland, boring, milquetoast programming to edgy social satire of the 70's (ala All in the Family, Maude, M.A.S.H) and back again. Much of this driven by Janet Jackson's flashing her boob at the Super Bowl so present day TV execs look for the whitest, blandest, non-threatening person you can find leading to Secrest…IN
But here’s where Secrest crosses over into douche territory. He actually believes his success to be the result of hard work, determination, and…wait for it….talent. (pause for you to laugh hysterically) When in actuality he got his job through sheer, dumb, odds-defying luck. Not even Judd Apatow could make him the least bit entertaining in Knocked Up. He’s like that RA in college who was the resident killjoy and trolled the halls of the dorm on Saturday nights looking for people to bust for having a good time. Then gets rewarded by hosting the dorm talent show.
3.Ashton Kutcher - Here is something you’ll never hear around the watercooler or at parties when the conversation veers to comedies, ‘Man that new Ashton Kutcher movie was hilarious!’ Sure his Michael Kelso character on That 70’s Show was funny and Punk’d was clever for about 3 episodes but over time he’s proven to be a one trick pony. The pitch meetings for his movies are summed up as “So it’s Ashton as Michael Kelso playing a (fill in the blank) opposite actress (fill in the blank) in an overly contrived (fill in the blank) situation and hilarity ensues!” Only it never does.
4.Kate Hudson - I always wondered how Hudson avoids the TSA watch list given she’s strung together more bombs than the Irish Republican Army. Similar to Aniston, a commercial pleading for starving children in Africa generates more laughs than any rom-com Hudson has appeared in. Similar to Paltrow begs to ask the question, if she didn’t win the genetic lottery of being Goldie Hawn’s daughter would she still be famous (Answer No.) In terms of her acting skill, I've seen a mannequin exude more vitality and emotion
5.The Olsen Twins - Not that I'm one to pick on looks but the Olsen Twins (Ashley and Mary-Kate) highlight unique example of where the ugliness of the outside is matched only by the ugliness of what's inside. Evidenced by how not once in any interview or public appearance have they ever shown any ounce of gratitude to the fans who made them stars and made them rich growing up. Not once. And has resulted in a obnoxious sense of entitlement as adults rearing its ugly head in public where they seem unhappy about everything is what makes them so loathsome.
First were the movies, starting with the truly craptastic straight-to-video gems that can now only be found in the $1 clearance bin of any Blockbuster
store liquidation sale. Their only real feature film New York Minute was so bad that ticket takers in theaters would reply 'Uh, really?' to the handful of people idiotic enough to pay money for it. So with their acting career flushed down the toilet in the same manner which their bodyguard dumped the prescription pills belonging to Mary Kate when Heath Ledger was found dead in her apartment(allegedly).
The undynamic duo then became primarily famous for showing up at Red-Carpet events looking emaciated, in state of perpetual moping, with the facial expression of someone who just sucked on a lemon and a 'fashion' sense that would drive Michael Kors to rip out his eyeballs. Yet amazingly, the self-appointed Glitteratti swoon to every appearance and they somehow manage to get taken seriously for their opinions of taste and style matter. The mystery of who actually digs the Olson Twins is right up there with what kind of music honk buys Yoko Ono's albums.
This got me thinking about five other celebrities whose career I don’t understand
1.Gwyneth Paltrow - Owen Gleiberman at Entertainment Weekly recently http://insidemovies.ew.com/2011/01/12/gwyneth-paltrow-why-do-they-hate-her/ovies.ew.com/2011/01/12/gwyneth-paltrow-why-do-they-hate-her/ asked whether Paltrow’s movies bomb because of audience’s perceived bias against her because of privileged background. There is that, given her insufferable attitude exhibited early in her career (remember the ‘revolted by Americans’ comment) and let’s be honest would she have gotten famous if her mother wasn’t Blythe Danner (Answer No.)
My response to Mr. Gleiberman is she is underappreciated because of her underwhelming talent. Yes she’s an alright actress but if acting were like dessert, Paltrow would be vanilla ice cream compared to the Ben and Jerry flavors of a Kate Winslet or gourmet chocolate cake of a Meryl Streep. Oh one more thing Mr.Gleiberman, according to your magazine's poll of Oscar voters. If there was ever a recall vote for Academy Awards, her 1998 one for Best Actress would be going to Cate Blanchett.
2.Ryan Secrest - Here's where I’m confused. When I think of the qualities needed for a live TV show host I think of someone with charisma, charm, and above all a personality. Same goes for a radio host, and a New Year’s Eve host especially if they get paid $20 million a year. Which brings me to the human rice cake Ryan Secrest. His career personifies my Jonas Brothers theory of music applied to television. Simply put the theory states network TV like radio has now gone full circle from its inception in the 50’s of bland, boring, milquetoast programming to edgy social satire of the 70's (ala All in the Family, Maude, M.A.S.H) and back again. Much of this driven by Janet Jackson's flashing her boob at the Super Bowl so present day TV execs look for the whitest, blandest, non-threatening person you can find leading to Secrest…IN
But here’s where Secrest crosses over into douche territory. He actually believes his success to be the result of hard work, determination, and…wait for it….talent. (pause for you to laugh hysterically) When in actuality he got his job through sheer, dumb, odds-defying luck. Not even Judd Apatow could make him the least bit entertaining in Knocked Up. He’s like that RA in college who was the resident killjoy and trolled the halls of the dorm on Saturday nights looking for people to bust for having a good time. Then gets rewarded by hosting the dorm talent show.
3.Ashton Kutcher - Here is something you’ll never hear around the watercooler or at parties when the conversation veers to comedies, ‘Man that new Ashton Kutcher movie was hilarious!’ Sure his Michael Kelso character on That 70’s Show was funny and Punk’d was clever for about 3 episodes but over time he’s proven to be a one trick pony. The pitch meetings for his movies are summed up as “So it’s Ashton as Michael Kelso playing a (fill in the blank) opposite actress (fill in the blank) in an overly contrived (fill in the blank) situation and hilarity ensues!” Only it never does.
4.Kate Hudson - I always wondered how Hudson avoids the TSA watch list given she’s strung together more bombs than the Irish Republican Army. Similar to Aniston, a commercial pleading for starving children in Africa generates more laughs than any rom-com Hudson has appeared in. Similar to Paltrow begs to ask the question, if she didn’t win the genetic lottery of being Goldie Hawn’s daughter would she still be famous (Answer No.) In terms of her acting skill, I've seen a mannequin exude more vitality and emotion
5.The Olsen Twins - Not that I'm one to pick on looks but the Olsen Twins (Ashley and Mary-Kate) highlight unique example of where the ugliness of the outside is matched only by the ugliness of what's inside. Evidenced by how not once in any interview or public appearance have they ever shown any ounce of gratitude to the fans who made them stars and made them rich growing up. Not once. And has resulted in a obnoxious sense of entitlement as adults rearing its ugly head in public where they seem unhappy about everything is what makes them so loathsome.
First were the movies, starting with the truly craptastic straight-to-video gems that can now only be found in the $1 clearance bin of any Blockbuster
store liquidation sale. Their only real feature film New York Minute was so bad that ticket takers in theaters would reply 'Uh, really?' to the handful of people idiotic enough to pay money for it. So with their acting career flushed down the toilet in the same manner which their bodyguard dumped the prescription pills belonging to Mary Kate when Heath Ledger was found dead in her apartment(allegedly).The undynamic duo then became primarily famous for showing up at Red-Carpet events looking emaciated, in state of perpetual moping, with the facial expression of someone who just sucked on a lemon and a 'fashion' sense that would drive Michael Kors to rip out his eyeballs. Yet amazingly, the self-appointed Glitteratti swoon to every appearance and they somehow manage to get taken seriously for their opinions of taste and style matter. The mystery of who actually digs the Olson Twins is right up there with what kind of music honk buys Yoko Ono's albums.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
THE 2010 ROSSY AWARDS!!!
Back in the 90's my fraternity started an annual tradition of awarding the best moments of drunkenness, debauchery, and stupdity which became the Rossy Awards.Enjoy!
Best Felony Committed by a Celebrity Impersonator – A man dressed as Santa Claus robbed a series of banks in Central Tennessee around xmas time brandishing a gun and red sack to carry the cash. Witnesses described suspect as having twinkling eyes, cheeks as red as roses, and belly that looked like a bowl full of jelly. FBI noted to be lookout a miniature sleigh being pulled by eight tiny reindeer with one of them reported to have a shiny red nose
Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - Guys dream of knocking over a casino but one armed bandit managed to live it and steal $1.5 million from the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Not bad for a day's work except for one problem. He stole $1.5 million in $25K chips instead of cash which are only redeemable at...the Bellagio. As George Clooney noted in Ocean's Eleven, 'It's always the little details that matter'
Best Fight (Non-Drinking) Category – At the Comicon convention in San Diego, a comic book enthusiast (PC term for nerd) was stabbed in the eye with a pencil by another comic book enthusiast during an argument over a front row seat for a Q&A with Seth Rogan and cast of ‘The Green Hornet’. No word if the assailant was apprehended by an actual superhero or someone dressed as a superhero. Seth Rogan later visited victim in hospital asking if a glass eye could double as a one-hitter adding that it would be ‘far-out’.
Best Fight (Drinking) Category – A patron at a karaoke bar in Manila, Philippines ended up being shot and killed as a result of a fight with other patrons who did not like his version of the Frank Sinatra song ‘My Way’ and apparently wanted it their way. Music Industry experts referred to it as the Phil Spector method of voice coaching. On a possibly related note The Jonas Brothers were advised to never set foot in the Philippines.
Best Addition to the English Language - In divorce papers, former wrestler Hulk Hogan allegedly transformed a proper noun into a verb after he threatened to 'OJ' his wife during an argument. This narrowly defeated the creation of a new adjective of referring to male douchebag behavior as pulling a 'John Mayer'.
The WTF Moment of 2010 – Kim Kardashian allegedly received dozens of death threats from angry Justin Bieber fans via Twitter after the two were companions to the White House Correspondents Dinner. One of which actually prompted a Federal Investigation of a 13 year old who threatened to hijack a plane and crash it into the Kim’s house. Combined with the various mob scenes related to Bieber fever at malls and airports, JBieb fans might be the new Hell's Angels
Best Riot not involving European Soccer or Justin Bieber fans – Police in Hickory, TN were called to a Chuck E Cheese to break up a melee between two families that started over the line for a photobooth. The family fun time eventually ended in criminal charges for threatening a police officer, marijuana possession, and assault after one lucky birthday girl got punched in the face. The last one may be the most serious offense since a knuckle sandwich was normally not included with a birthday package. Management noted to prevent in any future problems they would remove Crystal Meth as a topping from the Sundae Bar.
The Exemplary Use of Firearms with Alcohol Award presented by The Nat’l Rifle Assoc. and Busch Light – A 66 year-old man in Wisconsin was arrested for shooting out his television with a shotgun after becoming enraged that Bristol Palin advanced to the finals of Dancing With The Stars which led to a 14 hour standoff with police. Because the defendant had mental issues and was 'sort of' drinking at the time, his attorneys planned an insanity defense citing no normal man in his right mind would voluntarily watch Dancing With The Stars.
The Karma Is a Bitch Award – Ivana Trump, ex-wife of Donald Trump and plastic surgery failure was thrown off an flight from Palm Beach to New York after having a tantrum about small kids crying in First Class.
The Silvio Berlesconi Award (given for best political sex scandal) – The governor of the Hyderabad region of India, Andhra Pradesh was forced to resign his office after a videotape surfaced of his performance as a amateur porn star with not one but two ladies of the night. Adult website reviews generally noted he will never be mistaken for Tommy Lee anytime soon
Best Sports moment not making Top 10 Plays of the Year – A husband in Norwalk, CT was arrested for threatening his wife with a knife after becoming angry that she canceled ESPN on their cable package. Meanwhile the Rossy Committee is about 95% sure the on-air talent at ESPN referenced the incident with either a bad pun or overused catch phrase
The Happy Hour Lasted An Hour Too Long Award – State Police in Oliver, PA found a drunken 55 year-old man in the middle of a highway trying to revive an opossum that had been flattened by a car with mouth to mouth resuscitation. The animal do-gooder was handed a citation for Drunk & Disorderly along with a pack of breath mints.
Employee of the Month Award – A Verizon debt collector was fired after telling a Las Cruces, NM customer that she would ‘blow up his mother***ing house’ over a $308 bill. Also Verizon was forced to phase out some late penalties including kneecapping, kidnapping or going for a 'drive' to a secluded swamp in New Jersey. The incident capped off a milestone year for customer service at Verizon where they were also sued after refusing to shut off phone service for deceased people claiming death certificates were not enough for proof of death
Best Moment of Unintentional Hilarity – During a blood drive pep rally at a Norwin, PA high school, students witnessed an epic misadventure with Microsoft PowerPoint when a presenter from the American Red Cross accidently opened a file containing gay porn instead of one about blood donation. Luckily for students the situation served as a teachable moment about the importance of accurately naming computer files so that myschoolpresentation.ppt could never get confused with mygayporn.ppt
The Charlie Sheen Award – This year the Rossy Committee has established a new award for epic achievement in partying and clearly only one man can bear its namesake! Mr.Charlie Sheen exemplifies excellence in the art of the good time and in 2010 set the gold standard after NYC Police were called to his suite at the Plaza Hotel to discover him naked, trashing the room in an apparent rage stemming from bad cocaine sold to him earlier that evening. Oh yeah there was a hooker hiding in the closet, too. In addition the Rossy Committee would like to acknowledge Mr.Sheen for the all-time greatest celebrity quote.Ever. “I don’t pay prostitutes for sex, I pay them to leave’
AND FINALLY..The Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee for 2010! -
A 30 year-old man in Sarasota, FL was arrested at Wal-Mart after being observed masturbating to a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in the toy aisle then leaving the residue in the middle of the floor during store hours. Since defendant will be spending his New Year's in county lockup, to accept the award will be whoever had to answer the call for ‘Clean Up in Aisle 5’.
Best Felony Committed by a Celebrity Impersonator – A man dressed as Santa Claus robbed a series of banks in Central Tennessee around xmas time brandishing a gun and red sack to carry the cash. Witnesses described suspect as having twinkling eyes, cheeks as red as roses, and belly that looked like a bowl full of jelly. FBI noted to be lookout a miniature sleigh being pulled by eight tiny reindeer with one of them reported to have a shiny red nose
Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - Guys dream of knocking over a casino but one armed bandit managed to live it and steal $1.5 million from the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Not bad for a day's work except for one problem. He stole $1.5 million in $25K chips instead of cash which are only redeemable at...the Bellagio. As George Clooney noted in Ocean's Eleven, 'It's always the little details that matter'
Best Fight (Non-Drinking) Category – At the Comicon convention in San Diego, a comic book enthusiast (PC term for nerd) was stabbed in the eye with a pencil by another comic book enthusiast during an argument over a front row seat for a Q&A with Seth Rogan and cast of ‘The Green Hornet’. No word if the assailant was apprehended by an actual superhero or someone dressed as a superhero. Seth Rogan later visited victim in hospital asking if a glass eye could double as a one-hitter adding that it would be ‘far-out’.
Best Fight (Drinking) Category – A patron at a karaoke bar in Manila, Philippines ended up being shot and killed as a result of a fight with other patrons who did not like his version of the Frank Sinatra song ‘My Way’ and apparently wanted it their way. Music Industry experts referred to it as the Phil Spector method of voice coaching. On a possibly related note The Jonas Brothers were advised to never set foot in the Philippines.
Best Addition to the English Language - In divorce papers, former wrestler Hulk Hogan allegedly transformed a proper noun into a verb after he threatened to 'OJ' his wife during an argument. This narrowly defeated the creation of a new adjective of referring to male douchebag behavior as pulling a 'John Mayer'.
The WTF Moment of 2010 – Kim Kardashian allegedly received dozens of death threats from angry Justin Bieber fans via Twitter after the two were companions to the White House Correspondents Dinner. One of which actually prompted a Federal Investigation of a 13 year old who threatened to hijack a plane and crash it into the Kim’s house. Combined with the various mob scenes related to Bieber fever at malls and airports, JBieb fans might be the new Hell's Angels
Best Riot not involving European Soccer or Justin Bieber fans – Police in Hickory, TN were called to a Chuck E Cheese to break up a melee between two families that started over the line for a photobooth. The family fun time eventually ended in criminal charges for threatening a police officer, marijuana possession, and assault after one lucky birthday girl got punched in the face. The last one may be the most serious offense since a knuckle sandwich was normally not included with a birthday package. Management noted to prevent in any future problems they would remove Crystal Meth as a topping from the Sundae Bar.
The Exemplary Use of Firearms with Alcohol Award presented by The Nat’l Rifle Assoc. and Busch Light – A 66 year-old man in Wisconsin was arrested for shooting out his television with a shotgun after becoming enraged that Bristol Palin advanced to the finals of Dancing With The Stars which led to a 14 hour standoff with police. Because the defendant had mental issues and was 'sort of' drinking at the time, his attorneys planned an insanity defense citing no normal man in his right mind would voluntarily watch Dancing With The Stars.
The Karma Is a Bitch Award – Ivana Trump, ex-wife of Donald Trump and plastic surgery failure was thrown off an flight from Palm Beach to New York after having a tantrum about small kids crying in First Class.
The Silvio Berlesconi Award (given for best political sex scandal) – The governor of the Hyderabad region of India, Andhra Pradesh was forced to resign his office after a videotape surfaced of his performance as a amateur porn star with not one but two ladies of the night. Adult website reviews generally noted he will never be mistaken for Tommy Lee anytime soon
Best Sports moment not making Top 10 Plays of the Year – A husband in Norwalk, CT was arrested for threatening his wife with a knife after becoming angry that she canceled ESPN on their cable package. Meanwhile the Rossy Committee is about 95% sure the on-air talent at ESPN referenced the incident with either a bad pun or overused catch phrase
The Happy Hour Lasted An Hour Too Long Award – State Police in Oliver, PA found a drunken 55 year-old man in the middle of a highway trying to revive an opossum that had been flattened by a car with mouth to mouth resuscitation. The animal do-gooder was handed a citation for Drunk & Disorderly along with a pack of breath mints.
Employee of the Month Award – A Verizon debt collector was fired after telling a Las Cruces, NM customer that she would ‘blow up his mother***ing house’ over a $308 bill. Also Verizon was forced to phase out some late penalties including kneecapping, kidnapping or going for a 'drive' to a secluded swamp in New Jersey. The incident capped off a milestone year for customer service at Verizon where they were also sued after refusing to shut off phone service for deceased people claiming death certificates were not enough for proof of death
Best Moment of Unintentional Hilarity – During a blood drive pep rally at a Norwin, PA high school, students witnessed an epic misadventure with Microsoft PowerPoint when a presenter from the American Red Cross accidently opened a file containing gay porn instead of one about blood donation. Luckily for students the situation served as a teachable moment about the importance of accurately naming computer files so that myschoolpresentation.ppt could never get confused with mygayporn.ppt
The Charlie Sheen Award – This year the Rossy Committee has established a new award for epic achievement in partying and clearly only one man can bear its namesake! Mr.Charlie Sheen exemplifies excellence in the art of the good time and in 2010 set the gold standard after NYC Police were called to his suite at the Plaza Hotel to discover him naked, trashing the room in an apparent rage stemming from bad cocaine sold to him earlier that evening. Oh yeah there was a hooker hiding in the closet, too. In addition the Rossy Committee would like to acknowledge Mr.Sheen for the all-time greatest celebrity quote.Ever. “I don’t pay prostitutes for sex, I pay them to leave’
AND FINALLY..The Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee for 2010! -
A 30 year-old man in Sarasota, FL was arrested at Wal-Mart after being observed masturbating to a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in the toy aisle then leaving the residue in the middle of the floor during store hours. Since defendant will be spending his New Year's in county lockup, to accept the award will be whoever had to answer the call for ‘Clean Up in Aisle 5’.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
