Wherein I dissect that insane sorority e-mail from Univ. of Maryland

I'm a huge fan of meltdowns either in written or verbal form. To me watching someone absolutely lose their shit is perhaps the greatest of all performance art. Recently an e-mail sent from a member of the Delta Gamma sorority at the Univ. of Maryland to her fellow sorority sisters became viral. In it she admonishes (which is to put it mildly) her fellow sisters on how to behave at Greek week events. After reading it, then reading again, and again, and again, I can say we have not just a scolding e-mail but a true classic monologue of angst, rage, and vitriol. It is a monologue that is David Mamet'esque in it's tone, delivery, and execution. One begging to be brought to the stage by a master thespian. Consider it 'Death of a Salesman' for the millennial generation and would rival Alec Baldwin's turn in 'Glengary Glenross'. Or former Colts head coach Jim Mora's epic post-game rant 'PLAYOFFS! PLAYOFFS?! P..P..P..PLAYOFFS?'

In the same vain that students of literature love to dissect piece by piece of their favorite poems, I wanted to dissect this brilliant college age ode of discontent. Please come with me to truly enjoy this delectable feast of written fury:

 

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

 

Opens with a common device in English literature where they are preparing you for the boom! Like Shakespeare's sonnet's where he goes 'look, babe I got something important to say'. 

 

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu.

 

If Al Pacino were delivering this line, based on CAPS this where his cadence jumps up.

 

I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.

 

I love the transition to that whiny voice! You can literally visualize the sarcasm dripping out of that statement, like sap leaking form a tree. Now we're assuming the punching in the face is not literally, more like a SMH...

 

I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM.

Has anyone ever seen a flying fuck? Is that like joining the mile-high club? Such a great use of imagery.

 

This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES.

A little bit of mixed metaphor calling women cocks

 

Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.

Just as you're getting you're bearings back from being called a cock, WHAMMO! Tells you this critical point, because it's not just a fucking newsflash. It's double fucking newsflash

 

This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events.

Classic David Mamet technique of not just hurling an insult but expanding the insult even further by having you reply to are you mentally slow. Like cutting with a knife then twisting it.

 

If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

Now the rage comes to full burn! Also we are alerted to a new vernacular 'post-gaming'. I take that to be post-gaming as slang for 'What will happen afterward'

"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO.

More delicious imagry,with the term ass-hat. It could be interpreted in so many ways. Also very efficient use of the word fucking as both a pronoun and a verb.

I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?

Can't decide which is my favorite part'. First, I personally enjoy when writers use one word sentences for emphasis. And we have a magnificent example with her use of The.Opposing.Fucking.Team.

Second rapid machine gun fire prose asking if they are fucking stupid and if they are fucking blind. Richard Pryor once said he liked using the adjective fucking for dramatic effect. And we certainly have that here.

Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP.

This passage is a set-up fro the perhaps the most important line below...

 

I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

Here we have the cou'de gra, the line that will live in infamy for generations, the line that makes this e-mail rant the rant by which all other e-mail rants will be judged.

Let's step back for a moment and revisit the money quote here....I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that

Stop. Take a minute, close your eyes and let that line wash over you like the mighty waters of a rhetorical river. Cunt. Punt. Assuming it is more painful than a simple ass-kicking because the typical buttocks has more fatty tissue thus would insulate the blow. This is like a blow where an author describes not just ripping out someone's heart but stomping all over on the floor. Generally cunt is the thermal-nuclear word of the English language, in that once used between two friends it generally results in the mutually assured destruction of that relationship.

 

"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

Well we're not sure if her fellow sister's are crying...or crying from laughter. So the author reiterates her seriousness by using 'weird shits'. Here she follows-up that devastating blow of the c-punt with quick upper-cut of weird. In the sorority world, being called weird is perhaps the worst insult one can be leavied. It insinuates you are not part of the sorority mind-meld thus eeeek...an individual....gasp

 

I'm not fucking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER.

After that c-punt blast were pretty sure no one believes the author is kidding. The interesting note here is after her scorched Earth rhetoric she sort of dials back a little bit opting for the mild adjective 'horrible' when so many other synonyms are available. Grotesque comes to mind, So does despicaple. Why settle for horrible which is meh? We'll see below..

 

I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter.

Comic books have a device where the action is denoted by BAM..ZING..BLAM..POW? Well turns out the tepid 'horrible' used previously was just letting the reader catch their breath, regain some balance before the author unleashes another devastating combination of rhetorical punches that if by now must have the reader floored. As if the c-word wasn't enough she then uses the f- bomb. If c-punt went nuclear, then f-bomb is like spreading napalm for good measure afterward. Calling them a 'cock-block' is like returning the wreckage of the burned out reader's feelings and then urinating on them.

Then some more mocking in a fake offended sorority voice, then the big boom. She essentially accuses the reader of not being able to get guys unless completely smashed and must feel like 2x4 across the eyes.

Because as I paraphrase here 'Do you honestly think get boys by personality alone, bitch, puhhh...lllease'

 

Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

Were assuming the author has seen a lot of boners so she knows what she is talking about. Plus by now the author senses the reader is dazed, swaying, up against the ropes, so she goes in the knockout...

 

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

 

(wipes tears from eyes...clap,clap,clap,clap...ovation) Bravo! Bravo! And they said the era of the 'fuck you' letter was over.  Phew after that I need a breather.

 

The final insult is to note the author would apologize then swat..she doesn't care. Like the victor lending a hand to the vanquished then shoving her back down. Personally my favorite way to end an antagonistic encounter is The English cockney accent of  'piss off! but 'go fuck yourself' also works in North America and in certain parts of Asia. If the recipient and not the sender of a 'fuck off' a casual mention of 'sure, off your mom!' works as well

The Five People You'll Meet in Hell (or The Reverse Mitch Albom)

So this what it feels like when a nation collectively has a crappy week. Filled with tragedies both big and small. Planned and unplanned. For a lot of people stressful times bring out the best. I'm sure writer Mitch Albom and his totally positive take on life would collect these uplifting stories of heroism and pen some feel good tales about the human condition like 'The Five People You'll Meet In Heaven' or 'Tuesdays with Maury'. This blog is not about those people. In times of crisis there are those who rise to the occasion and those who extensively makes things worse. This blog is about the latter category. Here is a quick list of people who I think we'd all love to give the middle finger.

1.Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsaraev - For the very obvious reasons. And add to them anyone who kills in the name of religion be it Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, Judiasm, or whatever. Religion sometimes is like the skeevy chick in a dive bar, the cause of most fights and conflicts.

2. Alex Jones of InfoWars and his deranged band of 'truthers' - In the hours after the Boston Marathon bombing, the Governor of Massachusetts Deval Patrick had a press conference which was pretty important for the general public considering we were in the middle of a civil emergency. Was this an ongoing crisis? Were more attacks imminent? What was the status of the injured? Before the first question could be taken, a cretin of infowars.com,Dan Biodoni the hub for internet conspiracy theorists interrupted with 'Is This Another False Flag Attack To Take Away Our Civil Liberties?'

The biggest problem with the internet is when a event like this happens, it allows the rats and other assorted lowlifes to come out of the sewer to pollute online civility with their often obnoxious, sometimes sickening behavior. These are the same group of asswipes who have been harassing survivors and victim's family in Newtown, CT asserting Sandy Hook was a false flag conspiracy for the Government to seize all guns. Everything always seems to come down to far-fetched conspiracy and when confronted with irrefutable, counter evidence. Their response is well the conspiracy must be even deeper. 

 

Essentially the same strand runs through Alex Jones and all other conspiracy wingnuts is the blame for their pathetic lives is not because their own mistakes or bad luck, but some hidden nefarious force made up Global Zionist elitists who are personally ruining their lives as part of some vast conspiracy. It's like X-Files in its last season, running off the rails without any comprehensible shred of logic or plausibility.

3. Owners of that West, Texas fertilizer plant - The only thing worse than a tragedy is a tragedy that could have easily been prevented. With at least 15 dead, hundreds injured, and roughly an entire Texas town leveled because a fertilizer plant went kaboom with ammonium nitrate, the same substance used in the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing. There's a reason we have workplace safety laws, and Gov't regulation of Industry for instances like this, to prevent a fertilizer plant from storing nearly 30 times the legally allowed amount of ammonium nitrate in an unstable container. And there's a reason we have zoning laws to prevent certain things that do not belong together from ending up next to each other. Like schools and adult bookstores, or a landfill next to a farm field, or a plant housing hazardous materials next to a populated area.

Texas prides itself on being fiercely independent, and keeping Gov't out of people's lives, but they should also not be excluding common sense seeing as an inordinate amount of workplace accidents and deaths seem concentrated in the Lone Star state. As the famous Texan blogger, Molly Ivins would say, 'If you think building a fertilizer plant full of flammable chemcials next to residential neighborhood is a good idea, then you're a special kind a moron'.

4. The Senate Filibuster - Technically this is not a person but a thing. However like Pat Sajak essentially an outdated tool who has long outlived any usefulness. This week the Senate had 55 votes (out of 100) to approve of expanded background checks for firearm sales, an idea that 90% of Americans agree with including majority of gun owners in the wake of the Sandy Hook shootings. But the archaic rule of needing 60 votes to close off debate prevented the bill from being voted on effectively killing it. Plus any meaningful immigration reform, or tax reform, or anything the 21st century might require appears headed down this road as well. In most democracies majority rules, no matter how big or small. Because if a political party has won an election then they have won the right to govern.

Some concern trolls might argue, 'Well hold on there sir, as a Democrat, wouldn't you oppose it if Republicans only needed 51 votes to kill Social Security or appoint a deranged clown as Supreme Court justice, or name Jojo the circus monkey as Secretary of State?' I say let em, and then in the next election let 'em faith the wrath of an angry electorate. Until then the Senate is merely a place where progress and good ideas go to die.

Also quick special f**k you to Texas Sen.Ted Cruz. When New Jersey needed emergency relief funding for Hurricane Sandy, you initially filibustered it and eventually voted no, wasting valuable time. Because you cited preventing Gov't waste, and freedom, or something. But when a crooked plant owner inadvertently blows up a small Texas town and suddenly your all about sucking at the Federal Gov't tit for emergency aid because tragedy and Jesus would've wanted that way or something. Well filibustering can be a two way street.

5.Gwyneth Paltrow - Now she expressly did not cause any tragedies last week, but it's worth pointing out she's basically the World's biggest asshole. Some in Hollywood are asking why does everyone hate her so much? Why all the vitriol? Well for me she embodies the three most loathsome traits a human being can have:

First, she's a raging narcissist, whose collection of cookbooks, wellness guides, and internet site might as well be called 'Me,Myself, and I'. I'll assume most celebrities in Hollywood are selfish jerk-offs but unlike Paltrow, most actors at least have the ability to 'act' the part of 'likeable'. I'm sure George Clooney is enjoying the good life at some chateau in Swiss Alps but he at least keeps his enthusiasm under wraps seeing as most of the globe is in a recession right now. And some celebrities actually try to spend some their fortune to help out other less fortunate, like with Matt Damon's Clean Water campaign in Africa.

Second, she's the worst kind of rich person, the clueless kind. The kind that never had the financial limits of growing up in a middle or working class existence, and explains why very few can relate when Paltrow asks why can't every person be as fabulous as her. So when she bleats on about how the key to beauty is some $2,500 face moisturizer from Europe or her Spring fashion must have items recommended on her ode to self-absorption, goop.com total over half-a-million dollars. It's easy why most people would love throw a bag of elephant feces at her face. Plus she can stop telling average parents what to feed their kids, since I don't recall her becoming a registered dietician.

And lastly there's the nepotism thing. The reason most civilized nations got rid of monarchies and fiefdoms is the belief birth rite should not be an entitlement. And perhaps what grates me the most is she was born third base, but thinks she got there by hitting a triple. Can anyone honestly say Paltrow would have a career if she's not Blythe Danner's daughter? So good for her she's People's magazine's most beautiful in the World. But if inner beauty were on the cover it would be a picture of pig vomit.

So here's to hopefully better weeks and months in the near future.

Something Every 9th Grader Should Hear, Papa John's, and How Kim Kardashian ensured marriage equality will become reality

So Why Exactly Does Eric Holder still have a job? - During Senate Judicial testimony about why not one person responsible for the 2008 economic crash has ever been prosecuted, America's top prosecutor had this to say:

I'm concerned that the size of some of these institutions becomes so large that it does become difficult to prosecute them when we are hit with indications that if you do prosecute, if you do bring a criminal charge, it will have a negative impact on the national economy

Attorney General Clueless

 

So in another words Mr.Attorney General banks have now gotten so big they can threaten United States with economic catastrophe if you try to arrest their executives and you more or less admitting that there are two separate legal systems. One for mega corporations and rich people and another for the rest of us. Right. So who else is too big to prosecute? Terrorists? Drug Dealers? Mobsters?

 

To understand how completely incompetent Eric Holder is, imagine a 'bankster' trying to tell J.Edgar Hoover prosecuting them would be hazardous to the nation's economic health. Hoover would probably respond the way Ray Lewis would if you poked him in the eye and called him ugly. Because you simply could not threaten or intimidate a man who enjoyed the feel of soft satin that came from wearing negligee and women's panties (allegedly) under that manly FBI suit.

The original Victoria's Secret model

Since were talking about stealing money...how is your 401K doing? - Remember when 401K's were the route to wealthy retirement because those old, stuffy ideas of guaranteed income such as pensions and Social Security were outdated because Wall Street knew best how to handle money right and get the best return? Well not really says an analysis by Slate.com showing even if your 401K survived the big Wall Street crack-up of five years ago and actually made money, 20% of your potential savings went to fees, and commissions. So if you managed to make $100,000, you would only have $80,000 because the other $20,000 got siphoned off by investment firm for the 'privilege' of managing your money. Bloomberg's Josh Barro (not exactly raging pinko, socialist) essentially sums up 401K's as bullshit and proposes expanding Social Security to 20% more than currently paid out.

The US Supreme Court had the gayest week ever! - This past week the US Supreme Court heard two sure to be groundbreaking cases. One involving overturning California's Proposition 8 (Perry v. Schwarzenegger), an odious ballot referendum in 2008 that stripped gay and lesbians' right to marry after it had already been granted by California's Supreme court. The other (United States v. Windsor) deciding whether the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) which barred the Federal Gov't from recognizing married gay couples was unconstitutional.

Reading the tea leaves, legal analysts when not busy finding ways to bill clients $200 an hour for their legal services speculated DOMA would be overturned due to the Equal Protection clause in the 14th amendment of the Constitution. Translated from pig Latin legalese, it means Gov't can't deny certain groups equal protection under the law just because you don't like them. Prop 8 will probably be overturned due to a technicality because private individuals (in this case raging homophobes from out of state) can't defend a public law that the California Gov't neither wanted nor asked for.

The Prop 8 ruling likely won't apply Nationally, so backwaters like Alabama and Oklahoma can still keep their gay marriage bans...for now. However the real victory was the Plaintiffs challenging Prop 8 delivered a proverbial legal smackdown eviscerating every argument anti-gay advocates have used in the past to deny gay marriage. The knock out punch was delivered when the defendants for Prop 8 had no response when asked 'If marriage should only be between a man and woman because gay couples can't procreate, why then are heterosexual couples who cannot or do not want children allowed to marry?' Bazinga! The plaintiffs finished out the closing arguments with a mic drop after delivering the verse 'Ring the bell.It's over.' 

 

So here's how Kim Kardashian helped ensure marriage equality will become reality - To understand how momentous these Supreme Court cases were, check out the trend chart showing the survey of Americans approving gay marriage since 2004. Look at the trends after 2010, and suddenly support for gay marriage starts skyrocketing to where in 2013 reportedly it's now up to 58% which in Social Sciences is unprecedented. So what happened in 2011 to suddenly start changing people's mind?

Kim Kardashian, who Joel McHale accurately summarized as being famous for having a big ass, a sextape and starring in a reality TV show with her dead behind the eyes sisters. Apparently she had found true love with Kris Humphries and decided to share that love for all the World in a yearlong 24/7 media orgy and punctuated by a fairytale wedding (televised of course) and dream marriage ...which lasted for about 74 days.

My theory is when the rancid, decaying, maggot infested stench emanating from the corpse of this publicity stunt infiltrated the collective nostrils of America. It caused millions of thinking people who were previously unsure about gay marriage to reconsider after realizing any two morons by virtue of simply being heterosexual can get together to have a 'marriage'. But two loving, committed gay or lesbians who spend a lifetime together as was the case for the plaintiffs challenging DOMA could not which is just plain wrong. 

 

Unlike oral sex there actually is such a thing as a bad pizza - Recently it came to light that Papa John's Pizza was threatening bloggers of any size with lawsuits for talking ill of company CEO John Schnatter who recently threw a public tantrum over having to provide health insurance to his minimum wage employees under the new Healthcare reform. Schnatter threatened he'd have to raise prices a whopping $0.20 per pizza to cover this new insurance.

Not that I'd ever order one of Papa John's shitty pizzas because living New Jersey we are blessed with an abundance of family owned pizzerias far superior to anything mass production pizzas companies could dish out. But I think I speak for decent people that I would not mind paying an extra $0.20 if it meant the guy delivering my pizza could see a doctor without going broke. Herein lies the problem with oligarchs like Schnatter, they don't get that they either provide workers with a decent living wage or they end up supporting a social welfare programs through higher taxes because employees are to poor to afford decent health insurance.

 

 

Stupid Human (Resource) Tricks - Anyone whose ever worked in an office or large corporate setting knows that Human Resources is really just another word for 'people who could not hack it in Business school so would up doing this instead'. Typically HR reps are fall into the category of useful idiots, people semi-intelligent but not enough to actually bring anything of value in a skilled labor pool. So they are used as corporate hacks, there to take all the slings and arrows of employees when corporate makes unpopular decisions and some how put a bright, smiley, spin on it (like calling $2,500 deductible health insurance a 'consumer directed health plan')

So it comes as no surprise according to a study done by Greg Beato in the Wall Street Journal that showed everything Human Resources thought they knew about hiring was (predictably) wrong. For instance:

 

1.The classic Briggs-Myers personality test is actually not a good indicator of personality. Neither is a person's credit score a good indicator of dependability. 

 

2.Switching jobs frequently can actually be a good thing because shows worker is highly motivated to have a fulfilling career.

 

3.Most people who have gone more than 5 years after committing a small minor criminal offense without incident are no higher risk than people who have no criminal record. Especially if that offense was during college.

 

4.Telecommuting and flexible schedules actually make people more productive not less.

 

5.Facebook profiles are not adequately reflective of how someone would be at work plus most people are smart enough to make their profiles private anyway.

 

6.And if someone is stupid enough to post a racist rant, brag about criminal activity, or a scandalous picture to social media than they're probably not smart enough for an important job anyway.

 

7.Everyone has figured a canned response to the inevitable questions that start with 'So tell me about a time when...'

What Sour Grapes Must Taste Like - Lost amid all the hub-bub with the Supreme Court cases over gay marriage was another equally important case regarding race based admissions into colleges heard last Fall. The case is Fisher v. Texas which involves a now 23 year-old who did not get into Univ. of Texas after high school and cited the policy of preferential admission for minorities for instances when deciding on applicants who are 'on the bubble' as the unfair the reason she didn't get in. I'm not going to debate if colleges need race based admissions but from reading the trial briefs it seems more of a case of sour grapes than of any sort of discrimination. Not sure how her lawyrers explained why roughly 160 minority applicants with a higher GPA than Fisher also did NOT get into UT, while roughly 70 white applicants with a lower GPA than Fisher DID get in.

Despite Texas' reputation as a collection of rednecks residing in a hub of ignorance resulting in woeful public schools (49th behind Mississippi, hook 'em horns!) it's university system is actually very good with UT-Austin considered one of the best public universities in the country. And I mention sour grapes for Ms.Fisher since UT-Austin automatically accepts Texas high school seniors who are in the Top 10 percent academically of their graduating class. These people account for 75% of UT-Austin's incoming Freshmen class at any given year leaving the out of state and 'on-the-bubble' applicants to compete for other 25% of spots.

Had Ms.Fisher been in that Top 10% her acceptance would have been guaranteed, but let's face it if you are on the outside of that 10% than you probably did not apply yourself well enough in the four years of high school. But rather than do what high school seniors have done for decades which is accept it and move on. Plus despite Fisher initially being offered a chance to transfer to UT for her Sophomore year if her Freshman college grades were good enough. Apparently she had herself a holy temper tantrum and her Daddy lawyered up with a educational reform think-tank with an agenda and...yada,yada,yada...her little pity party could adversely affect minority placement in top colleges.

 

 

So I want any 8th grader gearing up for the big show of high school next Fall to pay close attention and not be like Ms.Fisher....

 

 

So here's something Every 9th grader should hear - For high school growing up in Columbus, Ohio I went to St.Charles, an all boys Catholic high school that was academically tough and rigorous. What made St.Charles unique though was rather than cater to rich, upper class families, it primarily existed to give boys from lower, working, and middle class backgrounds an opportunity for an top-flight prep school education. On my first day then Principal Dominic Cavello, a man I grew to admire and respect gave a speech that frankly should be required listening of all incoming high school Freshmen. The basic gist of his speech was:

'As of this day, life begins taking score because from here on out all of your decisions will have consequences, some big, some small, but all collectively will determine your path into the future. Wherever you end up in 4, 8 all the way to 30, 40 years from now will be a direct result of the actions taken (or not taken) by you starting right now. It all counts so my advice to you gentlemen is Carpe Diem!' (Latin for 'Seize The Day')

 

You = kayaker, Shark = globalization

 

I wish I had listened to Mr.Cavello and taken what he meant seriously because I fell into that trap of just doing enough to get by and not really putting extra effort into much of anything. I skated through four years of St.Chuck's with a 2.6 GPA, not bad but not good either and certainly not worthy of applying to my dream school Northwestern University in Chicago. Where it hit me that I had wasted a golden opportunity, was graduation when it was announced that the Top 10% of my class had gotten into the elite colleges such as the Ivy Leagues, Stanford, Vanderbilt, Notre Dame, and yep Northwestern. And 52% of my class got academic scholarships to wherever they were headed. Of course a 2.6 GPA does not get you any of those things accept guaranteed admission to a open enrollment state university (Hello Bowling Green with its 'tough' 2.3 minimum GPA needed for admission) with the saving grace of parents willing to pay for tuition.

Unlike Ms.Fisher I learned from my mistake, applied myself in college, got a 3.3 GPA and eventually landed a scholarship to grad school and down the career path to where I'm now. But it always nagged me if I graduated from high school with something close to a 4.0 what could have been. I may have well still wound up at Bowling Green but it would have been a hell of lot cheaper for myself and my parents.

And it's not just in academics but how you choose to invest your time while in high school. Will you choose to find yourself so to grow emotionally and intellectually or lose yourself in the petty social rituals like hanging with the cool kids and parties? Will you learn to build meaningful friendships and how to relate with other people or play the part of the angst ridden teenager or worse a bully? Will you venture outside and explore the World or remain inside and let computer or video games be your reality? Will you do something positive that contributes to a community like a sport, club, or the arts or be negative and tear others down by being an insolent little troll?

This is something I will impart to my kids when the time comes. But meanwhile for all you 8th graders gearing up for 9th grade, my advice to you is Carpe Diem!

'Florida Man', The Postal Service, and The Whitest Sentence Ever Written

The only Twitter you'll ever need to follow - If there were a sweepstakes for bat-shit craziest State in the Union, Florida would win hands down. It seems everyday a news headline comes out of the Sunshine state like 'Florida man, arrested for getting drunk and punching a manatee' or 'Florida man, arrested for trying to return a used enima set to CVS pharmacy'. With all that craziness it's good to know it's all documented in one handy twitter feed for you. Introducing @_FloridaMan

Some quick highlights urr lowlights from Gator country...


Florida Man
@_FloridaMan

Real-life stories of the world's worst superhero.
Everywhere, FL

Florida Man ‏@_FloridaMan
Florida Man Accused Of Masturbating In Front Of Girl, Claims He Was Fixing Hole In His Pants | http://bit.ly/XwmVkZ

Florida Man ‏@_FloridaMan
Florida Man Gave Teller Full Name While Robbing Bank | http://bit.ly/YPMA9q


Florida Man ‏@_FloridaMan
Florida Man Said He Was Within His Rights After Shooting Neighbor's Cats | http://buff.ly/Y7f7r0

Florida Man ‏@_FloridaMan
Florida Man Robs Girl Scouts Selling Cookies | http://bit.ly/ZARk1A

Florida Man ‏@_FloridaMan
Florida Man Spent Six Months Posing As Deputy To Impress Girlfriend; Actually Works At Pizza Hut | http://on.wtsp.com/YXcHsS

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Police Say Florida Man Tried To Eat Bag Of Meth | http://bit.ly/XDuvIh

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Florida Man Arrested For Throwing Taco Bell Burrito At Brother-In-Law's Face | http://bit.ly/XX4zth
  
Are We Sure We Want To Get Rid of the Postal Service? - The US Post Office is our favorite whipping boy when we want to conjure the image of some incompetent, bumbling bureaucracy. But consider this, last year the USPS delivered 160 Billion pieces of mail to 330 million Americans, and 99% of the time they got it right. What other industry whether public or private can boast a 99% accuracy rate at that volume?

If you think about it, our USPS is a modern marvel. It connects Americans across 1.3 million square miles with each other and to the economy. It practically invented the science of logistics and supply chain management that are used in business today. It brought new technology such as digital scanners, and automated sorting to practical use. It's what allows a letter sent from Fairbanks, Alaska to New York City in less than 4 days.

Now you may say yeah that's nice but people don't write letters anymore, so no wonder they're losing money. But the USPS would be pulling a profit had Congress not done something stupid back in 2006 as reported by Jesse Lichtenstein from Esquire. They made the USPS pay into it's pension and healthcare fund 75 years into the future. Most private companies and Gov't only pay up to 30 years in the future and would be like having to pay 20% of your paycheck into a retirement account you could not use until 75 years from now. And why? Because private shippers like UPS and FedEx lobbied Congress to the tune of $100 million last decade to make it a planned failure so when the postal service goes bankrupt they could privatize it and grab the estimated $80 Billion in revenue the USPS makes every year.

Currently that letter from Fairbanks to New York would be the price of a postage stamp at $0.46. Try sending it UPS or FedEx for that distance and within 4 days and it would cost at least $6. When you factor in part of the economy directly dependent on mail delivery like Amazon or catalogs, the USPS helps generate 8.5 million jobs and $1 Trillion for the private sector. Imagine what an increase in shipping costs would do the economy if turned over to private shippers. But surely UPS and FedEx would never raise prices unincumbered from Congressional oversight just to ensure profit, right? Sometimes we don't know how much things mean until they are gone.

So here's that comprehensive, groundbreaking study of porn stars you probably didn't ask for - A researcher in England named Jon Millward shows what happened when statisticians have too much time on their hands. He recently released a study of 10,000 porn stars culling data from IMDB and results are below (don't worry safe for work)

The most common bra size is 34  


The most common hair color for female porn stars is brown. Brunettes (including black and brown hair) outnumber blondes nearly 2 to 1

The most common female role appearing in a film title is "teen." "MILF" and "wife" come in second and third.


The most common female porn star first name is Nikki. The most common male first name is David.

The average porn star weight is 117 lbs for women, 167.5 lbs for men.

The average porn star height is 5'5" for women, 5'10" for men.

Majority of porn stars came from California   

So here's that revealing, all access reality show of Ke$ha you probably didn't ask for - MTV announced the debut of Ke$ha My Crazy Life. The hook here is come for the craziness but stay for the weirdness like the one segment where she drinks her own urine. There's one way to be the new Mentos Breath Freshner spokesperson.

Well Better Late Than Never - Mississippi became the last of the 50 states to ratify the 13th amendment of the US Constitution (the one that says people are not property so no slavery) in February of THIS year. Nothing like waiting 148 years after the Civil War to finally affirm the abolition of slavery. Apparently it did ratify it back in 1995 but never got around to actually notify the Office of the Federal Register which would have made it official. It was brought to their attention after a ole Miss University professor saw the film 'Lincoln' and did a little research. Given that state's history of race relations I'm sure that's not ALL embarrassing.

Politico asks if it's too early to start thinking about the 2016 Presidential election - Although it was a rhetorical question the answer of course is an unequivocal yes. Yes it is too early. Like 3 and half years too early.

Quite Possibly The Whitest Sentence Ever Written - A hacker made a brazen and daring technological feat by breaking into George W. Bush's personal e-mail and revealed a bombshell to website thesmokinggun.com...the real reason we invaded Iraq? An affair with Condoleezza Rice?...umm, nope..some 'interesting' artwork (see below) but mostly proof that wealthy, white male plutocrats are very boring people.
 

One of the exposed e-mails came from Jim Nantz, CBS Sports play-by-play broadcaster, and hero for the upper class, country club set. That intrigued the sports blog deadspin.com to look into that matter and they discovered the writers at thesmokinggun had inadvertently created an important cultural artifact of the English language: Quite possibly the whitest, most WASPiest sentence possibly ever written.


From the original story:
Both Hemingway and Nantz corresponded with Bush, 88, about playing golf and visiting the Bush compound in Kennebunkport, Maine.

Let Issac Rauch from deadspin take it from here:
We'll never have a whiter sentence than one recounting correspondence between two WASP icons—George H.W. Bush and Jim Nantz—about making a golf trio with some guy named Hemingway and hanging out at a compound in Kennebunkport, Maine. What do you think those guys talk about? Braided belts? Saltines? The dangers of women's soccer? We can only hope someone leaks those conversations as well, so we can use the paper they're printed on to make drywall.

One Truly Is The Loneliest Number - In this month's edition of what the hell can you do with a geography degree, we have Dorothy Gambrell of Psychology Today who did analysis of Craigslist's 'missed connections' where people try to find some hottie they saw out in public but couldn't get their number or something. Her analysis is mapped below, and apparently if you live down South WalMart is the new single's bar. New possible pick-up lines include:
'Mind if I buy you a 12 pack of sprite on sale for $2.99'
'I saw you across the Layaway counter and your eyes just roped me in'
'Enough with small talk, why don't we take this party over to Sam's Club'
'Uhh, wanna f**k?'


About that Gay Pope Rumor - Master blogger Andrew Sullivan (gay himself) posited that Pope Benedict XVI was probably a closeted gay man given the unusual living arrangements in retirement. He will be sharing an apartment with Georg Gaenswein at the Vatican who was his personal secretary and were apparently very close. Add on rumors from Italian newspaper La Rupubblica of a 'lavendar mafia' running things behind scenes that was about to be exposed. Already on thin ice with his role in covering up child abuse scandals, the prospect of a 'gay cabal' scandal apparently was the other shoe (red lavendar from Prada) to drop, forcing his resignation.


I'm very skeptical. Just because the Vatican hierarchy enjoy dressing up in glitzy costumes and have high camp rituals does not make them gay. Nor does the fact the College of Cardinals are all a bunch of dudes who like to hang out drinking beer and discuss other people's sexuality while in a gay bathhouse sauna. Or the time they said women can't be priests because 'uh ewwww, girls'  No the pope isn't gay at all.

And if he were, a majority of Catholics would be 'oh, that's cool. I got no problem with that' So the Catholic hierarchy could perhaps evolve on the issue.

What if I told you an obscure mathematical process could prevent the next mass shooting? - Some people might remember the show 'Numb3rs' where a mathematical genius teamed with his older brother FBI agent to solve complex crimes and prevent ones from happening by use college Algebra. As convoluted and far-fetched the series may have been in general, using math to solve or prevent crime wasn't far off. In statistics there is a technique called data mining that uses various mathematical formulas to comb through millions and millions of data records from bank, credit card, and internet records to find patterns that can predict human behavior. And in the wake of the Sandy Hook tragedy, there actually exists a quantitative tool that can be employed immediately to prevent the most feared of all random violence, the deranged mass murderer carrying a gun.


Credit card companies have algorithms that can flag problematic purchases to prevent potential fraud or theft. Say you use your card mostly at Target for groceries or basic household items, and then all of a sudden your card is on a shopping spree at high end jewelry stores in Beverly Hills. The credit card company will stop or hold the transaction until they can verify you are actually the one doing the purchasing. How did credit card companies know to act? Because a mathematical algorithm said those jewelry purchases were out of the ordinary from your normal behavior and something was wrong.

As tech writer John Pavely demonstrated on the Huffington Post, in the same way this can be applied to an algorithm to detect possibly then next James Holmes, Seung-Hui Cho, or Jared Loughner:

- We know mass shooters, fit a certain demographic profile, mostly white, exclusively male, and generally between the ages of 18 to 35.

- We know mass shooters were not frequent purchasers of firearms and ammunition until right before their sprees. Unlike normal gun owners who would have a regular purchasing pattern such as coinciding with hunting season, gun club memberships, etc.

- We know many had behavioral problems so add in scripts for anti-depressants or anti-psychotics, fees for mental health services, admits to psychiatric hospitals such as Cho, the Virginia Tech killer was just months before his spree.

- We know many mass shooters were exceptionally bright but very troubled with many dropping out or expelled from college prior to their spree. This also included many run ins with the law or school officials for disruptive or unusual behavior.

Add in these variables to a predictive algorithm and it could alert law enforcement and gun sellers to potential trouble. Take Holmes, the Aurora shooter who was withdrawing from grad school at Univ. of Colorado, had visits with three mental health professionals at his school's health service, and bought several guns including a AR-15 assault rifle and 2 Glock handguns all within four months of his movie theater rampage. So when Holmes tries to buy 6,000 rounds of ammunition off the Internet the algorithm could shut that transaction down and force Holmes to demonstrate in-person to a gun store clerk or police officer that he is indeed of sound mind. Which a gun club owner in Byers, Colorado most definitely did not when he rejected Holmes' application for firearm training.

Many civil libertarians and gun owners will understandably decry how invasive of privacy this can be but here's the deal, banks and credit card companies have already perfected and use data mining and share these predictive algorithms with retailers and marketers to sell you stuff. And this includes Gov't agencies like Homeland Security and the FBI to track potential terrorist cells when they buy things like one-way airline tickets, large quantities of industrial materials that could be used in a bomb, and you guessed it firearms. But unless the gun industry can somehow effectively manage to prevent guns from ending up in the wrong hands, and in lieu of any effective gun control. Data mining is the least disruptive, cost effective method to separate lawful gun owners from those about jump off the deep end and do harm.

It's Your Completely Unnecessary Guide to the 2013 Oscars

First something of a disclaimer, back in college when I had something called free time and could engage my cinephile hobby. I would have seen every movie and performance on this list and could have given you complete breakdown of each category. But alas adult responsibility came along now I'm limited to occasional Netflix and anything playing on basic cable. So in full disclosure I really haven't seen many of the nominees, BUT that's OK. Because I suspect many of the actual Oscar voters have not either and at least I have the integrity to admit it.

The likelihood of winning is measured in 'Jack' units or how many Jack Daniels drinks you would need to consume to get the swagger of Jack Nicholson before appearing on stage ranging from 0 representing Just Happy To be Here, to 4 meaning grab your sunglasses, smirk, and the thank you list cause your headed to the podium baby! The 'Jack' units will appear in the ( ) along side nominee and each category ranked most to least likely.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables (4)
Sally Field, Lincoln (3.5)
Helen Hunt, The Sessions (2)
Amy Adams, The Master (1.5)
Jacki Hunt, Silver Linings Playbook (1)


Back in 1984, Sally Field became America's sweetheart for her now famous schtick after winning for Places In The Heart with 'You like me! You really, really like me!' Now its Anne Hathaway's turn with the 'Oh my Gosh, Oh My Gosh! Can't Believe I Won' schtick but probably falls short since Taylor Swift has pretty much patented the 'Oh My Gosh! Oh My Gosh! I can't believe I won....a People's Choice Award...for actually showing up....with the only other nominee being Chris Brown'


FUN BONUS FACT #1
Wait a minute you say, isn't Fields' famous line 'You Love Me! You really, Really Love Me!' Nope. Similar to Casablanca, where its most memorable line 'Play It Again Sam' was never actually said in the film and is an example of mis-remembering before the era of YouTube and 24 hour 'info-tainment' channels.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Alan Arkin, Argo (3.25)
Robert DeNiro, Silver Linings Playbook (3.25)
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln (3.25)
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master (1.5)
Christopher Waltz, Django Unchained (1.0)

This category features nominees who have all won before and is a toss-up between Arkin, DeNiro, and Jones that essentially foreshadows of who will win Best Picture. That is if you believe the theory that Oscars for acting ride the coattails of whatever will win Best Picture. My theory is what all three frontrunners have in common is they show up at awards looking like old curmudgeons about to tell some damn kids to get off their lawn. Thus the winner is whoever has the sour-puss face that launches a thousand internet memes. Based on Golden Globes, edge goes to Jones.


FUN BONUS FACT #2
Some people felt Hoffman could be a dark horse, but since his character is based on L.Ron Hubbard and the film essentially bears a not-so striking resemblance to Scientology with a not-so-flattering storyline. In response the cult IRS recognized tax exempt religious organization has used its enormous Hollywood power to black list Hoffman and ensure that film never sees the light of day. For proof of their clout just look at how Scientologists made Tom Cruise the preeminent, most bankable star in the universe....oh...right...that was 15 years ago. Never mind

BEST ACTRESS

Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook (3.75)
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty (3.5)
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour (1)
Quvenzhane Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wilds (0)
Naomi Watts, The Impossible (0)

Basically this is a two horse race between Lawrence and Chastain for who will have the hottest, sweat inducing, 'Holy S**t look at her' outfit of the night. Early favorite is Lawrence whose red gown last year at made even gay men tell their straight friends 'Holy Mother of Pearl!'.
  

On a related note Lawrence and Chastain are also known as really good actresses and are also the favorites with Lawrence playing a crazy person versus Chastain who plays CIA analyst who helped hunt down Bin Laden. It's a toss-up but Lawrence wins by a bra size and gets to tell Kristen Stewart she can go ahead and have that MTV movie award and Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Award for best actress. Because her and Oscar will be over at the grown-up table discussing future projects.

FUN BONUS FACT #3
Most of the action beforehand will be on the red carpet but discerning viewers will be tuned to E! to count how many times actors pull Ryan Seacrest aside asking 'So dude, when Julianne Hough dumps you...I mean you guys break up for some reason, is it alright if I go out with her?'

BEST ACTOR

Daniel Day Lewis, Lincoln (4)
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook (2)
Hugh Jackman, Les Miserables (1)
Denzel Washington, Flight (1)
Jacquin Phoenix, The Master (0)

Lewis' method acting is legendary, such as staying in character for the duration of filming. Lincoln was no different as Lewis reportedly went to strip clubs in his stove pipe hat asking the ladies if they had ever met his friends Jefferson and Jackson while making it 'rain' on stage. Though Lewis is sure lock there were solid other performances such as Joaquin Phoenix delivering his strongest performance since his last appearance on Dave Letterman. And Denzel Washington managing to put cocaine in a positive light while extolling the virtues of flying commercial jet airplanes while high. And Bradley Cooper will join the exclusive Hollywood club, one with the few actors who can go toe to toe with George Clooney when playing the game 'Wait, Did I or did I not sleep with her?'


FUN BONUS FACT #4
There always embarrassing sartorial moments when actresses have roughly the same dress. Such potential 'Bitch, stole my look' issues this year include Dakota Fanning and The Olsen Twins, Miley Cyrus and Susan Powter, along with Jennifer Lopez and a El Camino

BEST PICTURE
Argo (3.9999)
Lincoln (3.9998)
Silver Linings Playbook (2)
Zero Dark Thirty (1.5)
Les Miserables (1.5)
Django Unchained (1)
Life of Pi (0.001)
Beasts of the Southern Wilds (0.0001)
Amour (0)

Early prognosticators had Lincoln as the runaway favorite but like Geraldo Rivera in an brothel, climaxed way too soon. Argo was like Carly Rae Jepsen's sex appeal in that it may not register at first but slowly grows on you until suddenly you're like 'Wow!' Plus you have to admire Ben Affleck resurrecting his career like a modern day Lazarus from the tomb of Gigli. Silver Linings Playbook is the dark horse but being edgy and funny represents the antonym of typical tone deaf Oscar voter.

Several of the other films had some noticeable flaws.
- Zero Dark Thirty was bogged down by controversy around scenes of torture such as where Jessica Chastain CIA character is out in a hot desert but at no point is inclined to wear a bikini much to the consternation of male audiences.
- Les Miserables was accused of not quite living up to the stage production along with the historians challenging authenticity noting peasants in 17th century France were not generally given to break out in song philosophically reflecting their plight in life while contemplating broad societal implications of justice, religion, and love within French society, all while they were literally shoveling shit.
- Life of Pi was deemed a little too fanciful in that a tiger and boy in the same boat generally would not coexist together.
- Django Unchained was criticized for making light of slavery and racial tensions and the media nearly had a fainting spell when they learned a very important figure in cinema had very important objections. But upon learning it was only Spike Lee the controversy subsided but not enough to keep Leonardo DiCaprio's from getting snubbed. Apparently someone in Hollywood is still bitter over Leo being an arrogant prick in the late 90's
- Amour was foreign which meant no one saw it except 5 hipsters at an alternative theater in Austin, Texas and as of yet no one has been confirmed to have seen Beasts of the Southern Wilds.

So while the smart money says Hollywood will crown Lincoln because it always loves a good Historical, epic, biographical tale like Ghandi or Lawrence of Arabia. Enough old, uptight Oscar voters have passed on to allow something a little more stylish like Argo to sneak through and claim the prize.

FUN BONUS FACT #5
Look for past Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr. appearing in commercials to remind any winners who get their trophy by sheer, dumb, serendipitous luck that in 20 years when your career has crashed and you need cash. Fast. The helpful people at Cash for Gold can turn that Oscar Gold into cold hard cash! Show me the money indeed!

AND A SUPER BONUS FUN BONUS FACT
Everyone is expecting a cutting edge, comedy routine from host Seth MacFarlane but that probably wont happen since Hollywood and celebrities in general are humorless, lifeless, soulless egomaniacs who are incapable of laughing at themselves. And I do mean literally incapable because all the Botox and facelifts make it physically impossible to laugh. But more likely he'll join Dave Letterman, Jon Stewart, and Ellen DeGeneres forced to pull punches and hold back resulting in a disappointing act. And a somewhat partly funny Seth MacFarlane is lot like a straight thinking, sober Amanda Bynes. Just not that fun.

It's Your 2012 Rossy Awards!!!!

These awards originated out of my fraternity from college, and celebrated all of our best (or worst) moments drunkenness, debauchery, and just plain moments of stupidity. Today we're grown up and so to have The Rossys as we hand out to celebrate best in salacious achievements throughout the World!

The Prestigious Rossy

The Anthony Weiner Award for best use of a cell phone camera - Philadelphia traffic judge William 'Big Willie' Singletary decided the best way to get out of a impending parking ticket was to show the meter maid a cell phone picture of his junk and let it do the talking for him. Needless to say 'Little Willie' was not persuasive enough for the meter maid who still gave him the ticket or the State of Pennsylvania who removed him from the bench for lewd conduct.

Best Cross Dressing Moment Not Seen On RuPaul's Drag Star - A 24 year-old male in Savannah, GA was arrested for a string of car thefts in the area where he, while dressed in a wig, makeup, and women's clothing would test drive the car then not return. It was sort of like Volkswagon's Sign and Drive event except for the part where (s)he would sign to buy the car. Police found the dude (who looked like a lady) because he left his driver's license (not in drag) with his(her) actual address. Though the the car theft crime spree was ended at only three, as a consolation the Savannah Police spokesman noted 'He actually doesen't make a bad looking woman', so there was that.

Best Law Enforcement Moment Not Seen on 'Cops' - A 27 year-old woman in Middletown, CT called police to report she had been a victim of fraud. Namely that was she given given the anti-depressant Seroquel instead of the pain-killer Percocet from some local teens during an illegal prescription drug transaction. Shortly afterwards as local police were announcing a major bust of a prescription pain-killer traffiking ring run by local teens, they noted it all started with a non-rhetorical question 'What are you high?'

Best Culinary Moment Not Captured On The Food Network - A man upset over the long wait for his food order at a Denny's restaurant in San Antonio, TX decided to voice his dissatisfaction by going one step further than just speaking with the manager but setting fire to the Christmas tree in the lobby and subsequently burning down the restaurant. No one was hurt but said arsonist did get away presumably without ever getting his Grand Slam breakfast with a side bacon that he just had to have. Food writers noted that the best step to avoid slow service and poor food was choosing not to eat at a Denny's in the first place.

Best Sports Moment Not Captured on ESPN - Detroit Red Wings minor league hockey prospect Riley Sheahan was arrested in Grand Rapids, MI for drunk driving with a blood alcohol level of .31 which was over three times the legal limit. However more concerning to the Red Wings organization was he arrested while dressed in a full size teletubby suit as the character Tinky Winky plus the fact it wasn't even Halloween.


The Willard Scott Award for most akward weather forecast moment - On February 19, the weather forecast in Britain was its fairly, usual dismal self with snow in Scotland and northern England, and near freezing tempratures for Wales and Southern England. And of course rain everywhere, since when does it not rain on the British Isles. For BBC1 10:00 newscast, weatherman Alex Deakin summed it all up as 'bucketloads of c**t' (which in polite circles is referred to as 'C yoU Next Tuesday'). On a possibly related note many pubescent teenagers were seen outside after the forecast, looking upward and asking if anyone see it yet?

The Best Moment In Drunken Hookup Failure - Police in Panama City, FL were called to a home by a 15 year-old girl who dialed 911 because her 36 year old Mom was having sex too loudly with her new boyfriend in the next room. No charges were filed since there no statute for anything that falls under the 'Ewww, that's gross' realm and complainant's mother had already been advised to 'get a room' at the bar earlier.

The Happy Hour Went An Hour Too Long Award - A man in Hull, England angry for being tossed out of a bar for smoking decided to express his anger to management by returning an hour later with a running chainsaw. In what could only be described as one hell of a nicotine fit, the gentleman smoker managed to reduce most of the pub's fine Oak paneled bar top to a pile of firewood in the span of about five minutes before police could arrive to stop the 'English Pub Chainsaw Massacre'. Afterward friends of the chainsaw bandit noted they were always a little hesitant to bum a cigarette off him.

Best Fight (Non-Drinking Category) - Three daycare workers in Dover, DE were arrested for running a fight club in the day care using pre-schoolers as combatants and included actual betting on the victors. In a related note, the same workers were also nominated for the Worst People Ever award.

Best Fight (Drinking Category) - British MP (Member of Parliament) Eric Joyce was banned from the pub inside the House of Commons and fined 3,000 pounds after headbutting a fellow MP in a disagreement over Scottish politics which ironically in Scottish parlance is also known as a 'Glasgow handshake'. Political commentators and pundits disagreed on the potential fallout for Mr.Joyce since the incident involved two of the three things Scottish love: drinking, fighting, and soccer.

Best Beat Down by a fictional character - In Seattle a intoxicated man was beaten up by a group of little people dressed as Leprechauns for dancing with one their women (a banshee perhaps?) and annoyingly asking them where he could find a pot of gold. The insuing brawl left the full sized man bloody and bruised and said leprechauns disappeared into the June night possibly by hopping a rainbow back to Ireland. General Mills confirmed Lucky the Leprechaun from their Lucky Charms had not gone rogue and the grumpy old troll from Dora the Explorer also had an alibi. So the biggest mystery is what leprechauns were doing in Seattle in Summer, so in response police advised revelers downtown 'Be Wary Ye Travelers'

Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - In the supply and demand economics of marijuana sales, a parolee in Florence, SC found himself with a common problem among drug dealers, what happens when you have too much product? His solution was to offer the excess bud to his cell phone contacts. Among those in his contact list offered a good deal on the weed was the man's parole officer, who accepted the offer to score some discounted weed sent some police officers over to complete the transaction and the arrest which violated his parole and sent him back to prison.

The John McEnroe Anger Management Award - A man in Newport, VT after being released from jail for arrests on drug possession and resisting arrest decided he still had some unfinished business with police. Still fuming over his arrest the man returned to the station with a monster truck and proceeded to smash all 7 of the department's patrol cars before speeding off in something right out of a monster truck show. Police were unable to mount a pursuit because all of the patrol cars were completely destroyed. In quite possibly the understatement of the year, a resident named 'bigfoot' when interviewed by Howard Stern radio show described the assailant as 'one crazy motherfucker'

Best Riot (Not involving European Soccer fans or a Chuck E Cheese) - Sending out e-vites on Facebook can be quite convenient. For a 16 year old teen in Haren, Netherlands whose parents were going out of town, seemed like a good idea to invite a few friends over for some beer and typical teenager hijinks. Unfortunately she accidentally made the e-vite public as in ALL of Facebook and teenagers being teenagers (which is to say being assholes just for the sake of being assholes) made it a point to spread news of the party to as many people as possible on social media dubbing it Project X similar to the movie.

The end result was 6,000 people showed up for the intimate gathering at the girl's house. When told to leave, the crowd took the party elsewhere, mainly to the town square where the party devolved into looting, arson, and ultimately a drunken confrontation with a hundred riot police. When the night was over 34 people were arrested, several injured, and several hundred thousand dollars damage. Not to mention the 16 year old whose party invite started it found herself being in REALLY, REALLY REALLY big trouble with her parents.

The Charlie Sheen Award for epic achievement in partying - The German Men's field hockey team decided to celebrate a Gold medal in the London Olympics by renting out a party boat to cruise the River Thames. Apparently the resulting party was host to some serious bro antics because the German team got a damage bill for 630,000 British pounds. Among the damages were stains from champagne (among other things), holes burned in the apostrophe from cigars, and literally a ton of broken glass from beer bottles. Plus the German ingratiated themselves to their British hosts by urinating in the river and there may or may not have been prostitutes on board.

The Fly The Friendly Skies Award - VietJet airlines (when you want to fly Vietnam in style!) was fined a whopping 20 million dong (actually it's only $960 in American dollars) for staging a bikini/strip show on a flight from Ho Chi Minh City to Nha Trang. The impromptu strip show was not normally part of the flight though many passengers would consider an upgrade over stale peanuts. The Rossy committee would like to acknowledge that fact Vietnam's currency is named 'dong' when combined with any sort of element of stripping is guaranteed comedy.

The Silvio Burlusconi Award for best in politician hootenanny - Wang Minsheng, head of the Communist Party of the Lijiang povince in China saw his budding career come to abrupt halt after tweeting pictures of himself involved in a six person orgy. Reportedly in addition to the disgrace of resigning, Wang had to endure people who would hum the classic 80's song 'Everybody WANG Chung tonight....' whenever he was around.

Most.Unnattractive.Orgy.Ever

The Biggest, Most Massive Twitter #FAIL of the Year - In our new category this year, the Rossy committee introduces the biggest Twitter #FAIL of the year. In what arguably is the most competitive category seeing as millions of people on Twitter and everyday so many managing to make themselves look like a twat for tweeting something stupid. It truly takes a tweet of unbelievable ignorance, ego, or vapidity or some combination of all three to truly claim this award.

This year we recognize @CelebBoutique who sent out this tweet an hour after the Aurora, CO mass shooting at a movie theater that killed 12 people:

Someone forgot to check the news before tweeting

AND FINALLY WITHOUT FURTHER ADO...

The Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee of 2012 - The good people of Kingston, Ontario like to kick off the Holidays with the Eastern Ontario Santa Claus Festival. A joyous event featuring hot chocolate, Christmas trees, and of course a parade featuring the big man himself. However this year the Grinch made an unannounced visit in the form of a 24 year-old intoxicated man who dressed up as Satan complete with spikey hair for horns. This grinch then went around to every kid he saw and broke the news there actually is no Santa Claus and topped it off by running onto the parade and flipping Santa the middle finger during the parade.

Police update

In this modern adaptation of the Grinch, he gets arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. However, no charges can make up for destroying the Christmas dreams of dozens of little kids in Eastern Ontario. For this however please join the Rossy committee as we applaud this fine act of debauchery as he joins other notable winners in this circle of honor:

2011 - Charlie Sheen for WINNING
2010 - Man who masturbated to a Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit issue in the magazine aisle at Wal-Mart in Florida.
2009 - Man in Cairns, Australia who broke into sex shops and 'utilized' sex dolls then put them back in the box
2008 - Ernest Borgnine who told Fox and Friends on live television the secret to longevity was masturbating a lot.

12 Days of Christmas, Curse of the Reply All Button, and how The Roadrunner explains the election

First off, on a serious note - Most of you who know me or read me know my blog is primarily driven with some current events, some data wonkery, but mostly levity and humor. Obviously after the horrific tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut at Sandy Hook Elementary there is no way to even attempt any humor but I feel before proceeding with my usual gluttony of snark I wanted express my prayers and condolences to those families who lost loved ones in the massacre.

Working in public health I tend to view mass shootings through the lense of an Epidemiologist or Sociologist. Which is to say studying the interaction of several factors that combine to create this tragedy and treat it as a public health problem. What these crimes represent is the lethal intersection of two things: people with serious, untreated mental illness who have easy availability to lethal firearms. I could write a thesis but here are just a few quick thoughts:

- We can call the shooter crazy because nobody in their right mind wakes up one day and says casually 'Hmm.. you know what I feel like doing today? Killing a lot small kids.' What separates Adam Lanza and the 27 other previous mass shooters from say a mafia hitman is that that the mafioso kills with a specific intent and purpose. Plus that purpose is rational (bump off competition, kill a informant, etc.). Plus the mob had a code, no killing of women, children, or innocents. Not saying it's morally right, just saying it's rational. These no mass shooters on the other hand had no rational basis for what they did.

- We have a mental health problem in this country because we lack a sufficient mental healthcare system in this country. Our choice is to create an extensive mental health safety net through expanding Medicaid and mandating private insurance coverage for it. Yes that involves higher taxes and premiums, but the alternative is the societal cost of lives lost in mass shootings like the Sandy Hook massacre by lunatics where a mental health safety net could have intervened and prevented them from harming others.

- We need to destigmatize mental illness. Just as someone can't help having the Genetic diseases or Cancer, neither can someone help having Bi-Polar depression or personality disorder. Why view mental healthcare different from regular healthcare?

- People collectively in what I call the American gun culture (sellers, manufacturers, and owners) need to understand we can no longer pretend that the erosion of gun control over the past 20 years which facilitated easy accessibility to powerful firearms without any accountability where they end up did not play any role in this tragedy. The gun industry has pushed for laws which make getting high powered firearms and ammunition easier than getting Advil Cold and Sinus. They also wanted repeal of the Assault Weapon Ban, they got it, but an unintended consequence is the mentally deranged and criminals having access to semi-automatic weapons to commit violence. The gun industry bears some responsibility in how those weapons are used.

- To all the armchair commandos stating if we simply arm all Americans with concealed weapons in public we can stop mass shootings. To a non-gun owner that sounds like a extraordinarily idiotic idea.

- The biggest threat to responsible gun owners may end up being the Nat'l Rifle Association (NRA) itself. For the past 30 years it has turned into a conspiracy factory ginning up fear and paranoia among gun owners for the profit and gain of gun manufacturers. It's also been the most powerful lobbying presence in Congress.

- However post Sandy Hook feels like a paradigm shift or tipping point because the NRA will be going up against a much more powerful group: The Mom lobby. There's going to be a conversation about gun violence after this incident so the gun industry would be wise to choose their words and pick their battles very carefully, because now might be a good time to compromise on a few things. Finally to quote Dennis Miller: 'Of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong'

It Is Now Officially Impossible To Have An Affair - Remember when they said technology would make life less complicated and more simpler? Try telling that to Gen. David Petraeus who had to resign as head of the CIA over an affair which was discovered through what else? e-mail. When our head spy, the man in charge of keeping the nation's secrets can't even keep his own affair secret we can now pronounce 'in the 21st Century it is impossible to have an affair so let's not even try'. It also doesn't help when your lover (who is not your wife) threatens another woman (who also not your wife) because she's perceived as getting too friendly. Who would've thought a participant in an affair would lack self-control?

(Petraeus Flowchart if you need it)

FUN BONUS FACT - All things considered, Petraeus was doing a good job as CIA director and some thought he should not have to resign simply due to a sex scandal. If you want to know how uptight Americans are about sex, there is a legendary story among people in the intelligence community about the time the Soviets tried to blackmail a French Ambassador in Berlin, Germany during the Cold War. Presented with photos of himself in an compromising position during an affair, the French Ambassador was told to either spill sensitive information to the KGB or risk having the photos released to the French media and his wife. Without missing a beat, the Ambassador replies 'Well then I'll take one of these, and two of those. And send this one to the media, it has my good side.'

When Bad 'Reply All' Things Happens To Good People - Microsoft announced for its new e-mail package Outlook it will allow the option to disable the 'Reply All' button. This is welcome news to anyone in an office because nothing pisses off co-workers than getting 20 unwanted responses to an mass e-mail because people hit 'Reply All' instead of just 'Reply' to the original sender. It's also good news for an New York University (NYU) student who replying to an standard administration e-mail (RE:Opting Out of Your 1098T') about tax forms accidentally hit Reply All...as in all 39,979 NYU students.

In what became known around University circles as 'The Replyallcalypse' many of the other recipients decided to do what any college student with ample free time, beer, and keyboard would do..be a dick and hit Reply All to give their two cents. Replies varied from Nicolas Cage film clips, asking to borrow everything from movies, to pencils, to weed and finally ending in death threats to whomever Replied All again. It got so out of hand that NYU had to shut down their e-mail server until it could delete the Reply All responses and disable it from being used mass e-mails.

Now that Fantasy Football is over, it's time for an new fantasy league - I'd like to submit my idea for the Fantasy Celebrity Arrest League. A fun game adults and children can play and unlike football will last all year long! It works like this, you and your friends pick a starter celebrity like you would for various football positions from various categories of entertainment who are most likely to get arrested or do something stupid. When they do you earn points and whoever has the most points at the end of the year wins...absolutely nothing...except the glory of being able to predict human behavior. So here's how my fantasy celebrity roster would look like:

Actress: Amanda Bynes (back-up Lindsay Lohan)
Actor: Gary Busey (back-up Charlie Sheen)
Comedian: Katt Williams (back-up Andy Dick)
Singer: Chris Brown (back-up LeAnn Rimes)
Athlete: Ryan Leaf (back-up Pacman Jones)
Reality Star: Steve O from JackAss, (any cast member from Jersey Shore)
Team category: Real Housewives Of Orange County

Don't Look Now, But Nazism May Be Making a Comeback In Europe - Over in Greece which has been on the verge of economic collapse since financial crisis they recently had an election and a political party called the Golden Dawn won 7% of the popular vote. That normally would not be cause for concern except it would be the American equivalent of a Ku Klux Klan or Neo-Nazi Party winning 7% of Congressional seats. As documented in GQ by Chris Heath, when not running for election The Golden Dawn members in their free time enjoy the ethnic cleansing of various neighborhoods in Greek cities by burning down the homes of non-Greek immigrants and intimidating them to flee. Which is much like infamous Nazi 'brown shirts' or Sturmabteiling in who did the same to Jewish neighborhoods in pre-war Germany.

And here are some other disturbing similarities to Pre-War Germany:
- Golden Dawn attracts many young members where Greeks under 25 where unemployment is over 50%
- Their flag bears an eerie resemblance to the Nazi Schwastica
- Their growth feeds off the economic upheaval in Greece
- They like to scapegoat Greece's immigrant community for all the country's troubles
- Greece is not exactly known for political stability creating opportunity for fringe groups to seize power. If other parts of Europe go downhill economically like Greece this new strain of facism could spread like a virus.

Let's hope those who do not learn from history will not necessarily be able to repeat it

In Case You Did Not Already Hate that brat from 'Two And a Half Men' - August T. Jones the lucky little bastard child star chosen to play the half part in 'Two and Half Men' recently on Christian web video called his own show filth and implored people not to watch because it would corrupt their mind. Of course later after a talk from Uncle 'Charlie' about what happens when you bite the hand that feeds you, Jones quickly walked back his comments. Considering he makes $250,000 an episode to be the straight men to Ashton Kutcher's comedic genius (written with obvious sarcastic sneer) August Jones just showed why increasing taxes on Millionaires next year is politically expedient.

When Economists Have Too Much Time On Their Hands - A senior analyst from PNC Bank from actually sat down and calculated what it would cost to buy the items from 'The 12 Days of Christmas'. His estimated tally was $104,000 most of which could be attributed to the '5 Golden Rings' given the skyrocketing cost of gold. Other academics were quick to point out flaws in his study such as the '9 dancers dancing', is that regular folk dancers, or strippers? For the '8 Maids a Milking', is that regular cow milking or 8 prostitutes dressed a German farm girl to do some 'milking' (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). And would the '6 Swans a Swimming' include someone to clean up all the poop? And what in the hell exactly is a 'partridge in a pear tree?'

This really goes to show that in statistical modeling of price estimation, unexplained variance is a real bitch.

How The Roadrunner Explains the Obama's Re-Election - People of a certain age might remember the the Roadrunner cartoons from the Looney Tunes shows. This was where Wile E. Coyote was always trying to nab the swift, elusive Roadrunner for dinner and no matter how complicated or elaborate, the Roadrunner always managed to elude the traps erected for him and leaving it to blow up in the face of Wile and also helps explains the Obama victory over Romney.


Historically speaking it is very hard to unseat a sitting President running for re-election. Only three times in the last century has an once-elected President running for re-election (so not counting Ford) been denied a second term (Hoover '36, Carter '80, Bush Sr. '92). What all three had in common was a dismal Nat'l economy so it made sense to think Romney (Wiley E. Coyote) lying in wait with that giant boulder would roll right over an unsuspecting Obama (The Roadrunner). But instead election night Obama simply let the boulder wrap right around and crash back into Romney and his Billionaire backers. Here's why:

1.Money Can't Buy Elections - Republicans thought Citizens United court case which overturned campaign finance reform would allow them to use unlimited money mainly from Billionaires and corporations to buy themselves Congress and the White House. However, as blogger Gregg Easterbrook noted a candidate with good ideas and organization is far more potent than a blank check.

beep, beep

2.A little too cocky - Much like Coyote thinks his traps are foolproof, Karl Rove thought carpet bombing the airwaves in swing states would destroy Obama. Instead Rove failed to understand that in the era of the DVR, most people will fast-forward right through them because no one really watches TV in real time anymore. And those without DVR's simply drown out the commercials since they've become so bad they're almost self-parodies. Instead Obama put their money into grassroots organization and Get Out The Vote efforts which were the difference maker in Ohio, Florida, and Virginia.

beep, beep

3.Voter suppression blew up in their face - At the state level especially the swing ones like Pennsylvania and Florida, GOP passed voter ID laws thinking it would curtail minorities from voting because of flawed thinking that minorities were less likely to have driver's licenses. Instead this had the opposite effect, as it motivated minorities even more to vote, evidenced by people who waited 8 hours in minority areas of Miami essentially giving the middle finger to Florida Gov. Rick Scott. Meanwhile the voting bloc the GOP needed to vote, the elderly often had difficulty voting because many do not drive and no longer have licenses to show as ID.

beep, beep

4.Data Analysts outperformed political consultants - While Romney relied on expensive political consultants to craft negative TV advertising with outlandish themes. Obama had two secret weapons, data mining where you cull through millions and millions of consumer records to find trends and predictive modeling where you use those trends to design advertising to achieve maximum effect. The result is when Obama did do TV advertising it was brutally effective, like the one showing Romney singing 'America the Beautiful' embarrassingly offkey as a backdrop while facts about his record at Bain Capital which shipped tons of jobs overseas and hid money in the Caribbean scroll across the screen. Romney never recovered from that one

beep, beep

Keep your eye on the fiscal cliff negotiations and disregard what the pundits say on who won, who lost meme. Because most likely it will end with Obama telling House Republicans afterward...'beep, beep motherfuckers!'