NEW Rules 2013!!! (Concept Shamelessly Stolen from Bill Maher)

Like my comedy hero Bill Maher I feel the need about this time every year to spout off on what I think should be new rules....

NEW RULE #1 If your coffee needs a whole lotta choca/latte/sugar/whip cream/mocha/artificial flavoring,etc than it's probably not good coffee 

My wife once worked at a food distribution company and learned the deep, dark secret to Starbucks. Their coffee is awful. Like low grade, bottom of the barrel awful because they've spread so far around to every corner of the globe it needs cheap coffee beans to fill the supply chain. So to cover up the flavor they added all those little extras that turn an ordinary cup of coffee into dessert flavored calorie bomb.

Every day in the city when walking to work, I walk straight past the hordes of hipsters waiting in line at Starbucks and opt for Dunkin Donuts. To me a good coffee doesn't need all those extras other than a little cream and sugar. A good cup of coffee says love me for who I'am and don't turn me into some superficial creation where you don't recognize me. Besides if your that guy who insists on a latte using only milk from goats bred in the Andes, with a dash of hazelnut grown from a rare orchard in Turkey, using only coffee beans that were hand picked by the noble African pigme tribe. If you are THAT guy, you're pretty much announcing to everyone you're pretentious douchebag.

NEW RULE #2 - The Abercrombie & Fitch CEO needs to be cast as the new Hannibal Lector 

With all due respect actor Mads Mikkelson, the title role of Hannibal really belongs to Mike Jeffries, CEO of Abercrombie and Fascist Fitch. Never mind that he was exposed as an XXXL sized asshole in a 2006 interview for saying he only wanted the cool kids' wearing his brand of clothes. And won't make anything beyond size L because he feels overweight people in his clothes would ruin the brand. Never mind his exclusivity of their products makes teenagers already feeling awkward feel even more awkward.

Instead let's focus on how creepy this guy is with his infatuation with pretty, young things. And that face. The kind of face that can only come from an obsession with plastic surgery. The kind of face that may have been made from someone else's face. The kind the killer in Silence of thee Lambs would harvest from those strapping young models used in A&F catalogs possibly kept in a dungeon with Jeffries at the top saying 'It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again' Or casually mentioning in conversation 'an associate once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti'.

NEW RULE #3 AJ Clemente deserves a Do-Over.

Fresh out of the university of West Virginia school of communications, AJ was set for his very first appearance as a newscaster in Bismarck, North Dakota. Then in one of the alltime instances of crapping the bed, he introduced himself to the 5:00pm audience by uttering 'Fucking, shit' into his microphone. The next day he was fired and the station forced to issue an apology.

But why? In new jobs we've all had first day jitters and screwed things up. He accidentally uttered a profanity on-air. So what? It's not like he showed his junk, wore a Nazi uniform, or referred to his female co-anchor as Tits McGhee. It happens all the time. It's what real people do. At what point do we stop with pearl clutching and gasping when someone utters profanity. If anything the station could get all sorts of publicity and ratings boost by letting AJ acknowledge the mistake, apologize, and moving on with the day's other news. 

Just You Tube 'News broadcast FAIL' and you'll find examples far worse. To understand how benign this incident was, Goggle weatherman Tex Antoine to find out why his 1976 New York WABC broadcast is the benchmark that all broadcast FAILS will be judged. I mean fuckin, shit! 


NEW RULE #4 If Hollywood insists on making every comic book into a movie, then Wonder Woman needs to be a priority 

Since the appetite for comic book movie adaptations seems unstoppable, then let's get straight to the only adaptation that really matters. Of course I speak of Wonder Woman where rumors persist of casting Megan Fox in the lead role. Can you imagine her in that outfit and getting roped in by that lasso of truth. What man would not want to see that on the big screen...and my God in glorious 3-D no less...umm....uh oh, was I thinking out loud? Hold on let me wipe this drool from over my chin.

NEW RULE #5 Football star Mante Te'o deserves a break from all the ridicule 

His girlfriend may not have been real but I'm sure the love he felt for her was real. Along with orgasms he had while masturbating to her over the phone.


NEW RULE #6 If first graders learning math need to double-check their work, than so do Harvard economists 

You may not know Carmen Reinhart or Kenneth Rogoff, two renowned economics professors from Harvard (pronounced Hahh-vard by East Coast elitists). But you will certainly know their work in the form of austerity sweeping the US in the form of budget cuts across all levels of Gov't along with proposals to cut the nation's social net like Social Security and Medicare. Because their 2009 study showing a  correlation of excess Gov't spending and negative economic growth in industrialized nations has been cited by everyone from the Congressional GOP to German Chancellor Angela Markel as the need for budget cutting in the face economic downturns.

There was one small problem however. Namely the results were based on a mistake on their Excel sheet calculations. If Reinhart, Rogoff or the indentured servants they call graduate research assistants had double checked their spreadsheet, they would have noticed they forgot to drag down their key formula by five spaces. A grad student named Thomas Herndon from UMass-Amherst (a public university, how poetic) noticed this when he tried to replicate the results for an assignment. When Herndon and his professors corrected the mistake, the revised results show modernized countries actually grew their economies by 2.2% when temporarily increasing spending to ease a recession.

There are two economic theories that have held true over time: #1 In an economic downturn Gov't spending can jumpstart an economy by stimulating the private sector with public projects. #2 Its not a good idea to cut social safety nets during recessions because that's when people for a short-term basis will need them the most. So if anyone out there who needed unemployment insurance but could not get it or saw their kids class size double because of school cuts, Reinhart and Rogoff would like you to know that hey 'Ooops. our bad'

NEW RULE #7 Steubenville High School in Ohio needs fire it's head football coach

Just for reference if your a 3-time State Championship winning coach who when given the evidence of a gang rape perpetrated by some of your players, the correct response is somewhere along the lines of  'Call the police','Is the victim Ok? Does she need help', or 'Whoever has knowledge needs to come forward'. Preferably not ''Delete that off YouTube' as the instructions he texted to his players.

Among many of the reasons the two players tried and convicted never considered rape to be a real crime is because Reno Saccoccia, head coach of Steubenville Big Red was so revered in the town that his team was considered untouchable. Coaches are supposed to leaders of men and examples of character, not enablers of criminal behavior and facilitating a cover-up of rape. To explain how this guy gets an contract extension instead of being fired you need to understand the town. Growing up in Ohio, Steubenville had a reputation as a violent, corrupt, broken steel town where football was king since everyone in town was either drunk, unemployed or usually both. Thanks to coach Saccoccia it's reputation is now as a hemorrhoid festering in the rectum of America.


NEW RULE #8 Wall Street firms eager top pitch me on retirement investing need to clarify how the stock market is any different from gambling
Every time I open my retirement statement it's often with a cringe and/or need a for a stiff tall drink. If I had the time and money I'd do an experiment of comparing my financial adviser to the performance of a monkey randomly throwing its feces at a list of potential stocks.

I'm part of what appears to be ever increasingly screwed Generation X whose main contribution to America will be cleaning up the mess Baby Boomers left behind. We were told college real important but getting too expensive so go ahead and borrow that tuition money. When the student loans were finally paid off in our late 20's Gen X was told to invest in 401K's because pensions and Social security are like for 'old' people. And in our 30's when time to start a family we were told buy a home because it's the rock solid investment that never goes down in value (take a moment for irony). All of these ideas emanated from one way or another from Marketing by financial cartels on Wall Street. And how has that worked out for everybody?

According to BuinessInsider, Gen X collectively on average lost over $33,000 in net worth during the 2008 Wall Street crack-up, housing collapse, and stagnated job growth. So the next time a financial adviser wants to convince me to give him my nest egg to manage, I'll ask them what is the difference between them and just taking my money to a racetrack or a casino and letting it ride?

NEW RULE #9 Rebecca Martinson (aka the deranged sorority e-mailer) needs her own reality TV Show

When we last checked in with Martinson, best known as the Delta Gamma sorority sister who wrote the all time greatest e-mails rants ever (profiled last post), resigned her post at the sorority due to the resulting embarrassment. But turns out the e-mail was just half the story. She also had a Twitter account and apparently it was priceless:


Some other gems:
'failed another job interview today, apparently taking part in an orgy isn't enough proof that one can effectively work as part of a team and protection is overrated'

'might as well be Helen Keller because I have no clue what is going on now #plato'

'What you call morning wood, I call breakfast'

She seems like the female version of Daniel Tosh or this generation's Don Rickles, a likable asshole destined to be the new monarch of insult comedy. So if Bravo's Andy Cohen is listening, seriously this needs to happen like right now.

NEW RULE #10 Religious conservatives can stop with the 'religious persecution' meme anytime now 

Quick somebody call a WAHHHmbulance because some religious leaders are having a sad. As gay marriage becomes inevitable, women gain control of their sexuality, and religious right political influence wanes. Evangelical Christians and the Catholic hierarchy are resorting to claims of 'religious persecution' for their beliefs in America because of being criticized for holding increasingly outdated social views. Persecuted? In America? Really?

What's really happening is the ability of a MINORITY of Christians and some Catholic Bishops to push their conservative beliefs and orthodoxy onto this country is coming to an end. Many people especially younger generations like myself are tuning out the fire and brimstone preaching offered up by the Religious Right opting instead for Christian denominations who prefer to keep it real. And by real I mean actually focusing on helping people and solving social problems. Things Jesus actually talked about in the New Testament.

So it's not persecution but civil disagreement as others either ignore/laugh at/mock/debate religious right leaders everytime they open their mouth and say something stupid. Which seems to occur on a daily basis. So as a consequence in the marketplace of free speech and ideas, crackpot religious groups like Focus on the Family, The Catholic League, and Concerned Women of America find themselves on the fringe rapidly becoming irrelevant. But to demonstrate why this is a horrendous false equivalency let's compare Evangelical Christians in US and the Coptic Christian minority in Egypt.


For the United States since 2011:
# of Christian leaders assassinated for their beliefs: 0
# of Christian churches destroyed in sectarian violence: 0
# of Christians killed in sectarian violence:0
Amnesty International Assessment: Entirely Free

For Egypt since 2011
# of Christian leaders assassinated for their beliefs:2
# of Christian churches destroyed in sectarian violence: 6
# of Christians killed in sectarian violence: 51
Amnesty International Assessment: Not Free;systematic discrimination, Gov't complicit in Islamic terrorist targeting of Copts

The next time Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association wants to claim religious discrimination, remember it's a craven response which minimizes the struggle of people around the World who truly being persecuted for their religion.

NEW RULE #11 Nutrition experts need to make up their damn minds about food

Why is it every day there is some conflicting information regarding nutrition in the news. Recently a British study claimed it's okay to skip meals and still lose weight contradicting previous logic of eat small snacks, don't skip meals to lose weight. For awhile it was the Atkins diet mantra of carbs are bad, carbs are the spawn of the devil so eat protein instead. Then Atkins drops dead from a heart attack, presumably from eating too much meat protein and the cholesterol that comes with it. Previously it was eat Low Fat products because it's healthier. Then never mind, those low fat products compensate for lack of taste with boat loads of sugar making it just as unhealthy. Before that Popeye tells kids eat your spinach and become strong and beat up a bunch of cartoon characters, only to have the FDA later say spinach is nutritionally worthless because back in the 1930's someone misplaced a decimal on a nutritional chart.

When it comes to contradicting themselves other than politicians no one does it better than nutritionists or self described food experts. Strangely it's the things learned in elementary school health class that have served me well and seem to still hold true:
- Food coming naturally from the Earth is usually good and healthy
- Food from a factory consisting mostly of preservatives and chemicals is usually bad
- The key to losing weight is burning more calories than you take in
- Go ahead have some pasta and bread, just don't eat entire bowl or loaf in one sitting.
- It's OK to have that double bacon cheese burger from Wendy's once in a while with the operative phrase being 'once in a while'.
- Salads are good, water is nice, and salad with a water is even better
- And we're all going to die someday, so we might as well eat good (in moderation) which is why you put that bottle of Soy Juice away. It looks like semen.

NEW RULE #12 All US domestic airlines should just go ahead and merge into one airline called Cluster Fuck Airways

Remember when flying was glamorous, exciting and fun? No. Neither did I. If we were take a favorability rating of airlines they would probably rank somewhere between genital herpes and rabies vaccination. With US Airways now merging with American Airlines after having already merged with United Airlines which originally merged with Continental Airlines. Since no one can really tell the difference between either of them, why not just have one, humongous airline that represents are dilapidated air travel infrastructure in this country. It's logo can be the middle finger and motto 'Fly the Friendly Skies or just plain go fuck yourself. Either way we don't care.' 


And Finally NEW RULE I'm calling for a One Million Egghead march on Washington DC

Here in America we love using 'war' as metaphors for just about everything. There's the War on Drugs, War on Cancer, and even a supposed War on Christmas. It's a simple way to draw a line of contrast between the good and the bad. But there's a silent war which hasn't gotten noticed but needs to and it's the War on Science

Recently there were two pieces of legislation introduced in the US House of Representatives that should give anyone who values critical thinking serious pause.

First, the 'High Quality Research Act' by Rep.Lamar Smith (R-Texas) eliminates peer reviewed process at the Nat'l Science Foundation and replacing it with a Congressional stamp of approval for all Federally funded research. In other words get rid of the scientific method and only research what Congress says you can research. The second is the 'Census Reform Act' by Rep.Jeff Duncan (R-South Carolina) which limits the Census Bureau to only the decennial census eliminating the vast amount of demographic, housing, economic, health, and employment statistics that it publishes every year between Censuses.

Now it first glance you think well these Congressmen probably just dumb asses in the spirit of Michele Bachmann. But as you get to know the bill's sponsors you realize this is more about the censorship of science. What Lamar Smith is really targeting is research that contradicts the interests of Big Oil and energy companies. Studies monitoring the impact of global warming and the pollution of vital watersheds from the fracking for natural gas. Studies that could make alternative energy a reality and possibly eliminate the need for coal, oil, and nuclear power.

Jeff Duncan's anti-Census bill revolves around the extreme Libertarian economic policies favored by the very wealthy with the guise of lowering taxes for themselves and shrinking Gov't to the size to drown in a bathtub as Grover Norquist puts it. The problem is facts always seem to get in their way as Census data undercuts the 1%'ers argument that eliminating taxes for the very rich will create economic growth for all. Instead the data which collectively shows the human condition in America reveals while tax rates on the rich are the lowest in a century, income inequality is at it's widest since the Great Depression, the middle class is shrinking, and incomes are stagnating. Hard to advocate a tax cut for the rich when many middle or working class families can see that they are struggling. So Duncan's solution, if the science doesn't agree with you, just eliminate the science.

Whether in a social or physical field, science is about finding the truth. And good science is transparent and objective. Which is why I'm asking not just Ph.D's, nerds or geeks but anyone who believes that critical decisions about our country should be based on evidence and facts, not political agendas or ignorance to rise up in the Million Egghead March. Particularly if you live in Rep.Smith's or Rep.Duncan's district or have an anti-science, knuckledragging, cretin representing you at any level of Gov't. I implore you to march to the voting booth and VOTE their non-science believing assess out of office. Then it would truly be Revenge of the Nerds!

But in closing let me leave you with this thought. What all authoritarian regimes had in common from Nazi Germany, to the military juntas in South America, to the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia. Was that the first people they targeted were the intellectuals, scientists, and other types of people who would pierce through whatever propaganda they wanted the populace to believe. I'm not saying the US is turning into a banana republic but what these anti-science bills really aim for is to misinform and mislead Americans about key issues. Because if a politician or special interest group needs to censure science to the advance their agenda or argument, then it means whatever they are selling is a lie. 

Wherein I dissect that insane sorority e-mail from Univ. of Maryland

I'm a huge fan of meltdowns either in written or verbal form. To me watching someone absolutely lose their shit is perhaps the greatest of all performance art. Recently an e-mail sent from a member of the Delta Gamma sorority at the Univ. of Maryland to her fellow sorority sisters became viral. In it she admonishes (which is to put it mildly) her fellow sisters on how to behave at Greek week events. After reading it, then reading again, and again, and again, I can say we have not just a scolding e-mail but a true classic monologue of angst, rage, and vitriol. It is a monologue that is David Mamet'esque in it's tone, delivery, and execution. One begging to be brought to the stage by a master thespian. Consider it 'Death of a Salesman' for the millennial generation and would rival Alec Baldwin's turn in 'Glengary Glenross'. Or former Colts head coach Jim Mora's epic post-game rant 'PLAYOFFS! PLAYOFFS?! P..P..P..PLAYOFFS?'

In the same vain that students of literature love to dissect piece by piece of their favorite poems, I wanted to dissect this brilliant college age ode of discontent. Please come with me to truly enjoy this delectable feast of written fury:

 

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

 

Opens with a common device in English literature where they are preparing you for the boom! Like Shakespeare's sonnet's where he goes 'look, babe I got something important to say'. 

 

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu.

 

If Al Pacino were delivering this line, based on CAPS this where his cadence jumps up.

 

I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.

 

I love the transition to that whiny voice! You can literally visualize the sarcasm dripping out of that statement, like sap leaking form a tree. Now we're assuming the punching in the face is not literally, more like a SMH...

 

I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM.

Has anyone ever seen a flying fuck? Is that like joining the mile-high club? Such a great use of imagery.

 

This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES.

A little bit of mixed metaphor calling women cocks

 

Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.

Just as you're getting you're bearings back from being called a cock, WHAMMO! Tells you this critical point, because it's not just a fucking newsflash. It's double fucking newsflash

 

This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events.

Classic David Mamet technique of not just hurling an insult but expanding the insult even further by having you reply to are you mentally slow. Like cutting with a knife then twisting it.

 

If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

Now the rage comes to full burn! Also we are alerted to a new vernacular 'post-gaming'. I take that to be post-gaming as slang for 'What will happen afterward'

"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO.

More delicious imagry,with the term ass-hat. It could be interpreted in so many ways. Also very efficient use of the word fucking as both a pronoun and a verb.

I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?

Can't decide which is my favorite part'. First, I personally enjoy when writers use one word sentences for emphasis. And we have a magnificent example with her use of The.Opposing.Fucking.Team.

Second rapid machine gun fire prose asking if they are fucking stupid and if they are fucking blind. Richard Pryor once said he liked using the adjective fucking for dramatic effect. And we certainly have that here.

Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP.

This passage is a set-up fro the perhaps the most important line below...

 

I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

Here we have the cou'de gra, the line that will live in infamy for generations, the line that makes this e-mail rant the rant by which all other e-mail rants will be judged.

Let's step back for a moment and revisit the money quote here....I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that

Stop. Take a minute, close your eyes and let that line wash over you like the mighty waters of a rhetorical river. Cunt. Punt. Assuming it is more painful than a simple ass-kicking because the typical buttocks has more fatty tissue thus would insulate the blow. This is like a blow where an author describes not just ripping out someone's heart but stomping all over on the floor. Generally cunt is the thermal-nuclear word of the English language, in that once used between two friends it generally results in the mutually assured destruction of that relationship.

 

"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

Well we're not sure if her fellow sister's are crying...or crying from laughter. So the author reiterates her seriousness by using 'weird shits'. Here she follows-up that devastating blow of the c-punt with quick upper-cut of weird. In the sorority world, being called weird is perhaps the worst insult one can be leavied. It insinuates you are not part of the sorority mind-meld thus eeeek...an individual....gasp

 

I'm not fucking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER.

After that c-punt blast were pretty sure no one believes the author is kidding. The interesting note here is after her scorched Earth rhetoric she sort of dials back a little bit opting for the mild adjective 'horrible' when so many other synonyms are available. Grotesque comes to mind, So does despicaple. Why settle for horrible which is meh? We'll see below..

 

I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter.

Comic books have a device where the action is denoted by BAM..ZING..BLAM..POW? Well turns out the tepid 'horrible' used previously was just letting the reader catch their breath, regain some balance before the author unleashes another devastating combination of rhetorical punches that if by now must have the reader floored. As if the c-word wasn't enough she then uses the f- bomb. If c-punt went nuclear, then f-bomb is like spreading napalm for good measure afterward. Calling them a 'cock-block' is like returning the wreckage of the burned out reader's feelings and then urinating on them.

Then some more mocking in a fake offended sorority voice, then the big boom. She essentially accuses the reader of not being able to get guys unless completely smashed and must feel like 2x4 across the eyes.

Because as I paraphrase here 'Do you honestly think get boys by personality alone, bitch, puhhh...lllease'

 

Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

Were assuming the author has seen a lot of boners so she knows what she is talking about. Plus by now the author senses the reader is dazed, swaying, up against the ropes, so she goes in the knockout...

 

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

 

(wipes tears from eyes...clap,clap,clap,clap...ovation) Bravo! Bravo! And they said the era of the 'fuck you' letter was over.  Phew after that I need a breather.

 

The final insult is to note the author would apologize then swat..she doesn't care. Like the victor lending a hand to the vanquished then shoving her back down. Personally my favorite way to end an antagonistic encounter is The English cockney accent of  'piss off! but 'go fuck yourself' also works in North America and in certain parts of Asia. If the recipient and not the sender of a 'fuck off' a casual mention of 'sure, off your mom!' works as well

The Five People You'll Meet in Hell (or The Reverse Mitch Albom)

So this what it feels like when a nation collectively has a crappy week. Filled with tragedies both big and small. Planned and unplanned. For a lot of people stressful times bring out the best. I'm sure writer Mitch Albom and his totally positive take on life would collect these uplifting stories of heroism and pen some feel good tales about the human condition like 'The Five People You'll Meet In Heaven' or 'Tuesdays with Maury'. This blog is not about those people. In times of crisis there are those who rise to the occasion and those who extensively makes things worse. This blog is about the latter category. Here is a quick list of people who I think we'd all love to give the middle finger.

1.Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsaraev - For the very obvious reasons. And add to them anyone who kills in the name of religion be it Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, Judiasm, or whatever. Religion sometimes is like the skeevy chick in a dive bar, the cause of most fights and conflicts.

2. Alex Jones of InfoWars and his deranged band of 'truthers' - In the hours after the Boston Marathon bombing, the Governor of Massachusetts Deval Patrick had a press conference which was pretty important for the general public considering we were in the middle of a civil emergency. Was this an ongoing crisis? Were more attacks imminent? What was the status of the injured? Before the first question could be taken, a cretin of infowars.com,Dan Biodoni the hub for internet conspiracy theorists interrupted with 'Is This Another False Flag Attack To Take Away Our Civil Liberties?'

The biggest problem with the internet is when a event like this happens, it allows the rats and other assorted lowlifes to come out of the sewer to pollute online civility with their often obnoxious, sometimes sickening behavior. These are the same group of asswipes who have been harassing survivors and victim's family in Newtown, CT asserting Sandy Hook was a false flag conspiracy for the Government to seize all guns. Everything always seems to come down to far-fetched conspiracy and when confronted with irrefutable, counter evidence. Their response is well the conspiracy must be even deeper. 

 

Essentially the same strand runs through Alex Jones and all other conspiracy wingnuts is the blame for their pathetic lives is not because their own mistakes or bad luck, but some hidden nefarious force made up Global Zionist elitists who are personally ruining their lives as part of some vast conspiracy. It's like X-Files in its last season, running off the rails without any comprehensible shred of logic or plausibility.

3. Owners of that West, Texas fertilizer plant - The only thing worse than a tragedy is a tragedy that could have easily been prevented. With at least 15 dead, hundreds injured, and roughly an entire Texas town leveled because a fertilizer plant went kaboom with ammonium nitrate, the same substance used in the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing. There's a reason we have workplace safety laws, and Gov't regulation of Industry for instances like this, to prevent a fertilizer plant from storing nearly 30 times the legally allowed amount of ammonium nitrate in an unstable container. And there's a reason we have zoning laws to prevent certain things that do not belong together from ending up next to each other. Like schools and adult bookstores, or a landfill next to a farm field, or a plant housing hazardous materials next to a populated area.

Texas prides itself on being fiercely independent, and keeping Gov't out of people's lives, but they should also not be excluding common sense seeing as an inordinate amount of workplace accidents and deaths seem concentrated in the Lone Star state. As the famous Texan blogger, Molly Ivins would say, 'If you think building a fertilizer plant full of flammable chemcials next to residential neighborhood is a good idea, then you're a special kind a moron'.

4. The Senate Filibuster - Technically this is not a person but a thing. However like Pat Sajak essentially an outdated tool who has long outlived any usefulness. This week the Senate had 55 votes (out of 100) to approve of expanded background checks for firearm sales, an idea that 90% of Americans agree with including majority of gun owners in the wake of the Sandy Hook shootings. But the archaic rule of needing 60 votes to close off debate prevented the bill from being voted on effectively killing it. Plus any meaningful immigration reform, or tax reform, or anything the 21st century might require appears headed down this road as well. In most democracies majority rules, no matter how big or small. Because if a political party has won an election then they have won the right to govern.

Some concern trolls might argue, 'Well hold on there sir, as a Democrat, wouldn't you oppose it if Republicans only needed 51 votes to kill Social Security or appoint a deranged clown as Supreme Court justice, or name Jojo the circus monkey as Secretary of State?' I say let em, and then in the next election let 'em faith the wrath of an angry electorate. Until then the Senate is merely a place where progress and good ideas go to die.

Also quick special f**k you to Texas Sen.Ted Cruz. When New Jersey needed emergency relief funding for Hurricane Sandy, you initially filibustered it and eventually voted no, wasting valuable time. Because you cited preventing Gov't waste, and freedom, or something. But when a crooked plant owner inadvertently blows up a small Texas town and suddenly your all about sucking at the Federal Gov't tit for emergency aid because tragedy and Jesus would've wanted that way or something. Well filibustering can be a two way street.

5.Gwyneth Paltrow - Now she expressly did not cause any tragedies last week, but it's worth pointing out she's basically the World's biggest asshole. Some in Hollywood are asking why does everyone hate her so much? Why all the vitriol? Well for me she embodies the three most loathsome traits a human being can have:

First, she's a raging narcissist, whose collection of cookbooks, wellness guides, and internet site might as well be called 'Me,Myself, and I'. I'll assume most celebrities in Hollywood are selfish jerk-offs but unlike Paltrow, most actors at least have the ability to 'act' the part of 'likeable'. I'm sure George Clooney is enjoying the good life at some chateau in Swiss Alps but he at least keeps his enthusiasm under wraps seeing as most of the globe is in a recession right now. And some celebrities actually try to spend some their fortune to help out other less fortunate, like with Matt Damon's Clean Water campaign in Africa.

Second, she's the worst kind of rich person, the clueless kind. The kind that never had the financial limits of growing up in a middle or working class existence, and explains why very few can relate when Paltrow asks why can't every person be as fabulous as her. So when she bleats on about how the key to beauty is some $2,500 face moisturizer from Europe or her Spring fashion must have items recommended on her ode to self-absorption, goop.com total over half-a-million dollars. It's easy why most people would love throw a bag of elephant feces at her face. Plus she can stop telling average parents what to feed their kids, since I don't recall her becoming a registered dietician.

And lastly there's the nepotism thing. The reason most civilized nations got rid of monarchies and fiefdoms is the belief birth rite should not be an entitlement. And perhaps what grates me the most is she was born third base, but thinks she got there by hitting a triple. Can anyone honestly say Paltrow would have a career if she's not Blythe Danner's daughter? So good for her she's People's magazine's most beautiful in the World. But if inner beauty were on the cover it would be a picture of pig vomit.

So here's to hopefully better weeks and months in the near future.

Something Every 9th Grader Should Hear, Papa John's, and How Kim Kardashian ensured marriage equality will become reality

So Why Exactly Does Eric Holder still have a job? - During Senate Judicial testimony about why not one person responsible for the 2008 economic crash has ever been prosecuted, America's top prosecutor had this to say:

I'm concerned that the size of some of these institutions becomes so large that it does become difficult to prosecute them when we are hit with indications that if you do prosecute, if you do bring a criminal charge, it will have a negative impact on the national economy

Attorney General Clueless

 

So in another words Mr.Attorney General banks have now gotten so big they can threaten United States with economic catastrophe if you try to arrest their executives and you more or less admitting that there are two separate legal systems. One for mega corporations and rich people and another for the rest of us. Right. So who else is too big to prosecute? Terrorists? Drug Dealers? Mobsters?

 

To understand how completely incompetent Eric Holder is, imagine a 'bankster' trying to tell J.Edgar Hoover prosecuting them would be hazardous to the nation's economic health. Hoover would probably respond the way Ray Lewis would if you poked him in the eye and called him ugly. Because you simply could not threaten or intimidate a man who enjoyed the feel of soft satin that came from wearing negligee and women's panties (allegedly) under that manly FBI suit.

The original Victoria's Secret model

Since were talking about stealing money...how is your 401K doing? - Remember when 401K's were the route to wealthy retirement because those old, stuffy ideas of guaranteed income such as pensions and Social Security were outdated because Wall Street knew best how to handle money right and get the best return? Well not really says an analysis by Slate.com showing even if your 401K survived the big Wall Street crack-up of five years ago and actually made money, 20% of your potential savings went to fees, and commissions. So if you managed to make $100,000, you would only have $80,000 because the other $20,000 got siphoned off by investment firm for the 'privilege' of managing your money. Bloomberg's Josh Barro (not exactly raging pinko, socialist) essentially sums up 401K's as bullshit and proposes expanding Social Security to 20% more than currently paid out.

The US Supreme Court had the gayest week ever! - This past week the US Supreme Court heard two sure to be groundbreaking cases. One involving overturning California's Proposition 8 (Perry v. Schwarzenegger), an odious ballot referendum in 2008 that stripped gay and lesbians' right to marry after it had already been granted by California's Supreme court. The other (United States v. Windsor) deciding whether the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) which barred the Federal Gov't from recognizing married gay couples was unconstitutional.

Reading the tea leaves, legal analysts when not busy finding ways to bill clients $200 an hour for their legal services speculated DOMA would be overturned due to the Equal Protection clause in the 14th amendment of the Constitution. Translated from pig Latin legalese, it means Gov't can't deny certain groups equal protection under the law just because you don't like them. Prop 8 will probably be overturned due to a technicality because private individuals (in this case raging homophobes from out of state) can't defend a public law that the California Gov't neither wanted nor asked for.

The Prop 8 ruling likely won't apply Nationally, so backwaters like Alabama and Oklahoma can still keep their gay marriage bans...for now. However the real victory was the Plaintiffs challenging Prop 8 delivered a proverbial legal smackdown eviscerating every argument anti-gay advocates have used in the past to deny gay marriage. The knock out punch was delivered when the defendants for Prop 8 had no response when asked 'If marriage should only be between a man and woman because gay couples can't procreate, why then are heterosexual couples who cannot or do not want children allowed to marry?' Bazinga! The plaintiffs finished out the closing arguments with a mic drop after delivering the verse 'Ring the bell.It's over.' 

 

So here's how Kim Kardashian helped ensure marriage equality will become reality - To understand how momentous these Supreme Court cases were, check out the trend chart showing the survey of Americans approving gay marriage since 2004. Look at the trends after 2010, and suddenly support for gay marriage starts skyrocketing to where in 2013 reportedly it's now up to 58% which in Social Sciences is unprecedented. So what happened in 2011 to suddenly start changing people's mind?

Kim Kardashian, who Joel McHale accurately summarized as being famous for having a big ass, a sextape and starring in a reality TV show with her dead behind the eyes sisters. Apparently she had found true love with Kris Humphries and decided to share that love for all the World in a yearlong 24/7 media orgy and punctuated by a fairytale wedding (televised of course) and dream marriage ...which lasted for about 74 days.

My theory is when the rancid, decaying, maggot infested stench emanating from the corpse of this publicity stunt infiltrated the collective nostrils of America. It caused millions of thinking people who were previously unsure about gay marriage to reconsider after realizing any two morons by virtue of simply being heterosexual can get together to have a 'marriage'. But two loving, committed gay or lesbians who spend a lifetime together as was the case for the plaintiffs challenging DOMA could not which is just plain wrong. 

 

Unlike oral sex there actually is such a thing as a bad pizza - Recently it came to light that Papa John's Pizza was threatening bloggers of any size with lawsuits for talking ill of company CEO John Schnatter who recently threw a public tantrum over having to provide health insurance to his minimum wage employees under the new Healthcare reform. Schnatter threatened he'd have to raise prices a whopping $0.20 per pizza to cover this new insurance.

Not that I'd ever order one of Papa John's shitty pizzas because living New Jersey we are blessed with an abundance of family owned pizzerias far superior to anything mass production pizzas companies could dish out. But I think I speak for decent people that I would not mind paying an extra $0.20 if it meant the guy delivering my pizza could see a doctor without going broke. Herein lies the problem with oligarchs like Schnatter, they don't get that they either provide workers with a decent living wage or they end up supporting a social welfare programs through higher taxes because employees are to poor to afford decent health insurance.

 

 

Stupid Human (Resource) Tricks - Anyone whose ever worked in an office or large corporate setting knows that Human Resources is really just another word for 'people who could not hack it in Business school so would up doing this instead'. Typically HR reps are fall into the category of useful idiots, people semi-intelligent but not enough to actually bring anything of value in a skilled labor pool. So they are used as corporate hacks, there to take all the slings and arrows of employees when corporate makes unpopular decisions and some how put a bright, smiley, spin on it (like calling $2,500 deductible health insurance a 'consumer directed health plan')

So it comes as no surprise according to a study done by Greg Beato in the Wall Street Journal that showed everything Human Resources thought they knew about hiring was (predictably) wrong. For instance:

 

1.The classic Briggs-Myers personality test is actually not a good indicator of personality. Neither is a person's credit score a good indicator of dependability. 

 

2.Switching jobs frequently can actually be a good thing because shows worker is highly motivated to have a fulfilling career.

 

3.Most people who have gone more than 5 years after committing a small minor criminal offense without incident are no higher risk than people who have no criminal record. Especially if that offense was during college.

 

4.Telecommuting and flexible schedules actually make people more productive not less.

 

5.Facebook profiles are not adequately reflective of how someone would be at work plus most people are smart enough to make their profiles private anyway.

 

6.And if someone is stupid enough to post a racist rant, brag about criminal activity, or a scandalous picture to social media than they're probably not smart enough for an important job anyway.

 

7.Everyone has figured a canned response to the inevitable questions that start with 'So tell me about a time when...'

What Sour Grapes Must Taste Like - Lost amid all the hub-bub with the Supreme Court cases over gay marriage was another equally important case regarding race based admissions into colleges heard last Fall. The case is Fisher v. Texas which involves a now 23 year-old who did not get into Univ. of Texas after high school and cited the policy of preferential admission for minorities for instances when deciding on applicants who are 'on the bubble' as the unfair the reason she didn't get in. I'm not going to debate if colleges need race based admissions but from reading the trial briefs it seems more of a case of sour grapes than of any sort of discrimination. Not sure how her lawyrers explained why roughly 160 minority applicants with a higher GPA than Fisher also did NOT get into UT, while roughly 70 white applicants with a lower GPA than Fisher DID get in.

Despite Texas' reputation as a collection of rednecks residing in a hub of ignorance resulting in woeful public schools (49th behind Mississippi, hook 'em horns!) it's university system is actually very good with UT-Austin considered one of the best public universities in the country. And I mention sour grapes for Ms.Fisher since UT-Austin automatically accepts Texas high school seniors who are in the Top 10 percent academically of their graduating class. These people account for 75% of UT-Austin's incoming Freshmen class at any given year leaving the out of state and 'on-the-bubble' applicants to compete for other 25% of spots.

Had Ms.Fisher been in that Top 10% her acceptance would have been guaranteed, but let's face it if you are on the outside of that 10% than you probably did not apply yourself well enough in the four years of high school. But rather than do what high school seniors have done for decades which is accept it and move on. Plus despite Fisher initially being offered a chance to transfer to UT for her Sophomore year if her Freshman college grades were good enough. Apparently she had herself a holy temper tantrum and her Daddy lawyered up with a educational reform think-tank with an agenda and...yada,yada,yada...her little pity party could adversely affect minority placement in top colleges.

 

 

So I want any 8th grader gearing up for the big show of high school next Fall to pay close attention and not be like Ms.Fisher....

 

 

So here's something Every 9th grader should hear - For high school growing up in Columbus, Ohio I went to St.Charles, an all boys Catholic high school that was academically tough and rigorous. What made St.Charles unique though was rather than cater to rich, upper class families, it primarily existed to give boys from lower, working, and middle class backgrounds an opportunity for an top-flight prep school education. On my first day then Principal Dominic Cavello, a man I grew to admire and respect gave a speech that frankly should be required listening of all incoming high school Freshmen. The basic gist of his speech was:

'As of this day, life begins taking score because from here on out all of your decisions will have consequences, some big, some small, but all collectively will determine your path into the future. Wherever you end up in 4, 8 all the way to 30, 40 years from now will be a direct result of the actions taken (or not taken) by you starting right now. It all counts so my advice to you gentlemen is Carpe Diem!' (Latin for 'Seize The Day')

 

You = kayaker, Shark = globalization

 

I wish I had listened to Mr.Cavello and taken what he meant seriously because I fell into that trap of just doing enough to get by and not really putting extra effort into much of anything. I skated through four years of St.Chuck's with a 2.6 GPA, not bad but not good either and certainly not worthy of applying to my dream school Northwestern University in Chicago. Where it hit me that I had wasted a golden opportunity, was graduation when it was announced that the Top 10% of my class had gotten into the elite colleges such as the Ivy Leagues, Stanford, Vanderbilt, Notre Dame, and yep Northwestern. And 52% of my class got academic scholarships to wherever they were headed. Of course a 2.6 GPA does not get you any of those things accept guaranteed admission to a open enrollment state university (Hello Bowling Green with its 'tough' 2.3 minimum GPA needed for admission) with the saving grace of parents willing to pay for tuition.

Unlike Ms.Fisher I learned from my mistake, applied myself in college, got a 3.3 GPA and eventually landed a scholarship to grad school and down the career path to where I'm now. But it always nagged me if I graduated from high school with something close to a 4.0 what could have been. I may have well still wound up at Bowling Green but it would have been a hell of lot cheaper for myself and my parents.

And it's not just in academics but how you choose to invest your time while in high school. Will you choose to find yourself so to grow emotionally and intellectually or lose yourself in the petty social rituals like hanging with the cool kids and parties? Will you learn to build meaningful friendships and how to relate with other people or play the part of the angst ridden teenager or worse a bully? Will you venture outside and explore the World or remain inside and let computer or video games be your reality? Will you do something positive that contributes to a community like a sport, club, or the arts or be negative and tear others down by being an insolent little troll?

This is something I will impart to my kids when the time comes. But meanwhile for all you 8th graders gearing up for 9th grade, my advice to you is Carpe Diem!

'Florida Man', The Postal Service, and The Whitest Sentence Ever Written

The only Twitter you'll ever need to follow - If there were a sweepstakes for bat-shit craziest State in the Union, Florida would win hands down. It seems everyday a news headline comes out of the Sunshine state like 'Florida man, arrested for getting drunk and punching a manatee' or 'Florida man, arrested for trying to return a used enima set to CVS pharmacy'. With all that craziness it's good to know it's all documented in one handy twitter feed for you. Introducing @_FloridaMan

Some quick highlights urr lowlights from Gator country...


Florida Man
@_FloridaMan

Real-life stories of the world's worst superhero.
Everywhere, FL

Florida Man ‏@_FloridaMan
Florida Man Accused Of Masturbating In Front Of Girl, Claims He Was Fixing Hole In His Pants | http://bit.ly/XwmVkZ

Florida Man ‏@_FloridaMan
Florida Man Gave Teller Full Name While Robbing Bank | http://bit.ly/YPMA9q


Florida Man ‏@_FloridaMan
Florida Man Said He Was Within His Rights After Shooting Neighbor's Cats | http://buff.ly/Y7f7r0

Florida Man ‏@_FloridaMan
Florida Man Robs Girl Scouts Selling Cookies | http://bit.ly/ZARk1A

Florida Man ‏@_FloridaMan
Florida Man Spent Six Months Posing As Deputy To Impress Girlfriend; Actually Works At Pizza Hut | http://on.wtsp.com/YXcHsS

Florida Man ‏@_FloridaMan
Police Say Florida Man Tried To Eat Bag Of Meth | http://bit.ly/XDuvIh

Florida Man ‏@_FloridaMan
Florida Man Arrested For Throwing Taco Bell Burrito At Brother-In-Law's Face | http://bit.ly/XX4zth
  
Are We Sure We Want To Get Rid of the Postal Service? - The US Post Office is our favorite whipping boy when we want to conjure the image of some incompetent, bumbling bureaucracy. But consider this, last year the USPS delivered 160 Billion pieces of mail to 330 million Americans, and 99% of the time they got it right. What other industry whether public or private can boast a 99% accuracy rate at that volume?

If you think about it, our USPS is a modern marvel. It connects Americans across 1.3 million square miles with each other and to the economy. It practically invented the science of logistics and supply chain management that are used in business today. It brought new technology such as digital scanners, and automated sorting to practical use. It's what allows a letter sent from Fairbanks, Alaska to New York City in less than 4 days.

Now you may say yeah that's nice but people don't write letters anymore, so no wonder they're losing money. But the USPS would be pulling a profit had Congress not done something stupid back in 2006 as reported by Jesse Lichtenstein from Esquire. They made the USPS pay into it's pension and healthcare fund 75 years into the future. Most private companies and Gov't only pay up to 30 years in the future and would be like having to pay 20% of your paycheck into a retirement account you could not use until 75 years from now. And why? Because private shippers like UPS and FedEx lobbied Congress to the tune of $100 million last decade to make it a planned failure so when the postal service goes bankrupt they could privatize it and grab the estimated $80 Billion in revenue the USPS makes every year.

Currently that letter from Fairbanks to New York would be the price of a postage stamp at $0.46. Try sending it UPS or FedEx for that distance and within 4 days and it would cost at least $6. When you factor in part of the economy directly dependent on mail delivery like Amazon or catalogs, the USPS helps generate 8.5 million jobs and $1 Trillion for the private sector. Imagine what an increase in shipping costs would do the economy if turned over to private shippers. But surely UPS and FedEx would never raise prices unincumbered from Congressional oversight just to ensure profit, right? Sometimes we don't know how much things mean until they are gone.

So here's that comprehensive, groundbreaking study of porn stars you probably didn't ask for - A researcher in England named Jon Millward shows what happened when statisticians have too much time on their hands. He recently released a study of 10,000 porn stars culling data from IMDB and results are below (don't worry safe for work)

The most common bra size is 34  


The most common hair color for female porn stars is brown. Brunettes (including black and brown hair) outnumber blondes nearly 2 to 1

The most common female role appearing in a film title is "teen." "MILF" and "wife" come in second and third.


The most common female porn star first name is Nikki. The most common male first name is David.

The average porn star weight is 117 lbs for women, 167.5 lbs for men.

The average porn star height is 5'5" for women, 5'10" for men.

Majority of porn stars came from California   

So here's that revealing, all access reality show of Ke$ha you probably didn't ask for - MTV announced the debut of Ke$ha My Crazy Life. The hook here is come for the craziness but stay for the weirdness like the one segment where she drinks her own urine. There's one way to be the new Mentos Breath Freshner spokesperson.

Well Better Late Than Never - Mississippi became the last of the 50 states to ratify the 13th amendment of the US Constitution (the one that says people are not property so no slavery) in February of THIS year. Nothing like waiting 148 years after the Civil War to finally affirm the abolition of slavery. Apparently it did ratify it back in 1995 but never got around to actually notify the Office of the Federal Register which would have made it official. It was brought to their attention after a ole Miss University professor saw the film 'Lincoln' and did a little research. Given that state's history of race relations I'm sure that's not ALL embarrassing.

Politico asks if it's too early to start thinking about the 2016 Presidential election - Although it was a rhetorical question the answer of course is an unequivocal yes. Yes it is too early. Like 3 and half years too early.

Quite Possibly The Whitest Sentence Ever Written - A hacker made a brazen and daring technological feat by breaking into George W. Bush's personal e-mail and revealed a bombshell to website thesmokinggun.com...the real reason we invaded Iraq? An affair with Condoleezza Rice?...umm, nope..some 'interesting' artwork (see below) but mostly proof that wealthy, white male plutocrats are very boring people.
 

One of the exposed e-mails came from Jim Nantz, CBS Sports play-by-play broadcaster, and hero for the upper class, country club set. That intrigued the sports blog deadspin.com to look into that matter and they discovered the writers at thesmokinggun had inadvertently created an important cultural artifact of the English language: Quite possibly the whitest, most WASPiest sentence possibly ever written.


From the original story:
Both Hemingway and Nantz corresponded with Bush, 88, about playing golf and visiting the Bush compound in Kennebunkport, Maine.

Let Issac Rauch from deadspin take it from here:
We'll never have a whiter sentence than one recounting correspondence between two WASP icons—George H.W. Bush and Jim Nantz—about making a golf trio with some guy named Hemingway and hanging out at a compound in Kennebunkport, Maine. What do you think those guys talk about? Braided belts? Saltines? The dangers of women's soccer? We can only hope someone leaks those conversations as well, so we can use the paper they're printed on to make drywall.

One Truly Is The Loneliest Number - In this month's edition of what the hell can you do with a geography degree, we have Dorothy Gambrell of Psychology Today who did analysis of Craigslist's 'missed connections' where people try to find some hottie they saw out in public but couldn't get their number or something. Her analysis is mapped below, and apparently if you live down South WalMart is the new single's bar. New possible pick-up lines include:
'Mind if I buy you a 12 pack of sprite on sale for $2.99'
'I saw you across the Layaway counter and your eyes just roped me in'
'Enough with small talk, why don't we take this party over to Sam's Club'
'Uhh, wanna f**k?'


About that Gay Pope Rumor - Master blogger Andrew Sullivan (gay himself) posited that Pope Benedict XVI was probably a closeted gay man given the unusual living arrangements in retirement. He will be sharing an apartment with Georg Gaenswein at the Vatican who was his personal secretary and were apparently very close. Add on rumors from Italian newspaper La Rupubblica of a 'lavendar mafia' running things behind scenes that was about to be exposed. Already on thin ice with his role in covering up child abuse scandals, the prospect of a 'gay cabal' scandal apparently was the other shoe (red lavendar from Prada) to drop, forcing his resignation.


I'm very skeptical. Just because the Vatican hierarchy enjoy dressing up in glitzy costumes and have high camp rituals does not make them gay. Nor does the fact the College of Cardinals are all a bunch of dudes who like to hang out drinking beer and discuss other people's sexuality while in a gay bathhouse sauna. Or the time they said women can't be priests because 'uh ewwww, girls'  No the pope isn't gay at all.

And if he were, a majority of Catholics would be 'oh, that's cool. I got no problem with that' So the Catholic hierarchy could perhaps evolve on the issue.

What if I told you an obscure mathematical process could prevent the next mass shooting? - Some people might remember the show 'Numb3rs' where a mathematical genius teamed with his older brother FBI agent to solve complex crimes and prevent ones from happening by use college Algebra. As convoluted and far-fetched the series may have been in general, using math to solve or prevent crime wasn't far off. In statistics there is a technique called data mining that uses various mathematical formulas to comb through millions and millions of data records from bank, credit card, and internet records to find patterns that can predict human behavior. And in the wake of the Sandy Hook tragedy, there actually exists a quantitative tool that can be employed immediately to prevent the most feared of all random violence, the deranged mass murderer carrying a gun.


Credit card companies have algorithms that can flag problematic purchases to prevent potential fraud or theft. Say you use your card mostly at Target for groceries or basic household items, and then all of a sudden your card is on a shopping spree at high end jewelry stores in Beverly Hills. The credit card company will stop or hold the transaction until they can verify you are actually the one doing the purchasing. How did credit card companies know to act? Because a mathematical algorithm said those jewelry purchases were out of the ordinary from your normal behavior and something was wrong.

As tech writer John Pavely demonstrated on the Huffington Post, in the same way this can be applied to an algorithm to detect possibly then next James Holmes, Seung-Hui Cho, or Jared Loughner:

- We know mass shooters, fit a certain demographic profile, mostly white, exclusively male, and generally between the ages of 18 to 35.

- We know mass shooters were not frequent purchasers of firearms and ammunition until right before their sprees. Unlike normal gun owners who would have a regular purchasing pattern such as coinciding with hunting season, gun club memberships, etc.

- We know many had behavioral problems so add in scripts for anti-depressants or anti-psychotics, fees for mental health services, admits to psychiatric hospitals such as Cho, the Virginia Tech killer was just months before his spree.

- We know many mass shooters were exceptionally bright but very troubled with many dropping out or expelled from college prior to their spree. This also included many run ins with the law or school officials for disruptive or unusual behavior.

Add in these variables to a predictive algorithm and it could alert law enforcement and gun sellers to potential trouble. Take Holmes, the Aurora shooter who was withdrawing from grad school at Univ. of Colorado, had visits with three mental health professionals at his school's health service, and bought several guns including a AR-15 assault rifle and 2 Glock handguns all within four months of his movie theater rampage. So when Holmes tries to buy 6,000 rounds of ammunition off the Internet the algorithm could shut that transaction down and force Holmes to demonstrate in-person to a gun store clerk or police officer that he is indeed of sound mind. Which a gun club owner in Byers, Colorado most definitely did not when he rejected Holmes' application for firearm training.

Many civil libertarians and gun owners will understandably decry how invasive of privacy this can be but here's the deal, banks and credit card companies have already perfected and use data mining and share these predictive algorithms with retailers and marketers to sell you stuff. And this includes Gov't agencies like Homeland Security and the FBI to track potential terrorist cells when they buy things like one-way airline tickets, large quantities of industrial materials that could be used in a bomb, and you guessed it firearms. But unless the gun industry can somehow effectively manage to prevent guns from ending up in the wrong hands, and in lieu of any effective gun control. Data mining is the least disruptive, cost effective method to separate lawful gun owners from those about jump off the deep end and do harm.

It's Your Completely Unnecessary Guide to the 2013 Oscars

First something of a disclaimer, back in college when I had something called free time and could engage my cinephile hobby. I would have seen every movie and performance on this list and could have given you complete breakdown of each category. But alas adult responsibility came along now I'm limited to occasional Netflix and anything playing on basic cable. So in full disclosure I really haven't seen many of the nominees, BUT that's OK. Because I suspect many of the actual Oscar voters have not either and at least I have the integrity to admit it.

The likelihood of winning is measured in 'Jack' units or how many Jack Daniels drinks you would need to consume to get the swagger of Jack Nicholson before appearing on stage ranging from 0 representing Just Happy To be Here, to 4 meaning grab your sunglasses, smirk, and the thank you list cause your headed to the podium baby! The 'Jack' units will appear in the ( ) along side nominee and each category ranked most to least likely.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables (4)
Sally Field, Lincoln (3.5)
Helen Hunt, The Sessions (2)
Amy Adams, The Master (1.5)
Jacki Hunt, Silver Linings Playbook (1)


Back in 1984, Sally Field became America's sweetheart for her now famous schtick after winning for Places In The Heart with 'You like me! You really, really like me!' Now its Anne Hathaway's turn with the 'Oh my Gosh, Oh My Gosh! Can't Believe I Won' schtick but probably falls short since Taylor Swift has pretty much patented the 'Oh My Gosh! Oh My Gosh! I can't believe I won....a People's Choice Award...for actually showing up....with the only other nominee being Chris Brown'


FUN BONUS FACT #1
Wait a minute you say, isn't Fields' famous line 'You Love Me! You really, Really Love Me!' Nope. Similar to Casablanca, where its most memorable line 'Play It Again Sam' was never actually said in the film and is an example of mis-remembering before the era of YouTube and 24 hour 'info-tainment' channels.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Alan Arkin, Argo (3.25)
Robert DeNiro, Silver Linings Playbook (3.25)
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln (3.25)
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master (1.5)
Christopher Waltz, Django Unchained (1.0)

This category features nominees who have all won before and is a toss-up between Arkin, DeNiro, and Jones that essentially foreshadows of who will win Best Picture. That is if you believe the theory that Oscars for acting ride the coattails of whatever will win Best Picture. My theory is what all three frontrunners have in common is they show up at awards looking like old curmudgeons about to tell some damn kids to get off their lawn. Thus the winner is whoever has the sour-puss face that launches a thousand internet memes. Based on Golden Globes, edge goes to Jones.


FUN BONUS FACT #2
Some people felt Hoffman could be a dark horse, but since his character is based on L.Ron Hubbard and the film essentially bears a not-so striking resemblance to Scientology with a not-so-flattering storyline. In response the cult IRS recognized tax exempt religious organization has used its enormous Hollywood power to black list Hoffman and ensure that film never sees the light of day. For proof of their clout just look at how Scientologists made Tom Cruise the preeminent, most bankable star in the universe....oh...right...that was 15 years ago. Never mind

BEST ACTRESS

Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook (3.75)
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty (3.5)
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour (1)
Quvenzhane Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wilds (0)
Naomi Watts, The Impossible (0)

Basically this is a two horse race between Lawrence and Chastain for who will have the hottest, sweat inducing, 'Holy S**t look at her' outfit of the night. Early favorite is Lawrence whose red gown last year at made even gay men tell their straight friends 'Holy Mother of Pearl!'.
  

On a related note Lawrence and Chastain are also known as really good actresses and are also the favorites with Lawrence playing a crazy person versus Chastain who plays CIA analyst who helped hunt down Bin Laden. It's a toss-up but Lawrence wins by a bra size and gets to tell Kristen Stewart she can go ahead and have that MTV movie award and Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Award for best actress. Because her and Oscar will be over at the grown-up table discussing future projects.

FUN BONUS FACT #3
Most of the action beforehand will be on the red carpet but discerning viewers will be tuned to E! to count how many times actors pull Ryan Seacrest aside asking 'So dude, when Julianne Hough dumps you...I mean you guys break up for some reason, is it alright if I go out with her?'

BEST ACTOR

Daniel Day Lewis, Lincoln (4)
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook (2)
Hugh Jackman, Les Miserables (1)
Denzel Washington, Flight (1)
Jacquin Phoenix, The Master (0)

Lewis' method acting is legendary, such as staying in character for the duration of filming. Lincoln was no different as Lewis reportedly went to strip clubs in his stove pipe hat asking the ladies if they had ever met his friends Jefferson and Jackson while making it 'rain' on stage. Though Lewis is sure lock there were solid other performances such as Joaquin Phoenix delivering his strongest performance since his last appearance on Dave Letterman. And Denzel Washington managing to put cocaine in a positive light while extolling the virtues of flying commercial jet airplanes while high. And Bradley Cooper will join the exclusive Hollywood club, one with the few actors who can go toe to toe with George Clooney when playing the game 'Wait, Did I or did I not sleep with her?'


FUN BONUS FACT #4
There always embarrassing sartorial moments when actresses have roughly the same dress. Such potential 'Bitch, stole my look' issues this year include Dakota Fanning and The Olsen Twins, Miley Cyrus and Susan Powter, along with Jennifer Lopez and a El Camino

BEST PICTURE
Argo (3.9999)
Lincoln (3.9998)
Silver Linings Playbook (2)
Zero Dark Thirty (1.5)
Les Miserables (1.5)
Django Unchained (1)
Life of Pi (0.001)
Beasts of the Southern Wilds (0.0001)
Amour (0)

Early prognosticators had Lincoln as the runaway favorite but like Geraldo Rivera in an brothel, climaxed way too soon. Argo was like Carly Rae Jepsen's sex appeal in that it may not register at first but slowly grows on you until suddenly you're like 'Wow!' Plus you have to admire Ben Affleck resurrecting his career like a modern day Lazarus from the tomb of Gigli. Silver Linings Playbook is the dark horse but being edgy and funny represents the antonym of typical tone deaf Oscar voter.

Several of the other films had some noticeable flaws.
- Zero Dark Thirty was bogged down by controversy around scenes of torture such as where Jessica Chastain CIA character is out in a hot desert but at no point is inclined to wear a bikini much to the consternation of male audiences.
- Les Miserables was accused of not quite living up to the stage production along with the historians challenging authenticity noting peasants in 17th century France were not generally given to break out in song philosophically reflecting their plight in life while contemplating broad societal implications of justice, religion, and love within French society, all while they were literally shoveling shit.
- Life of Pi was deemed a little too fanciful in that a tiger and boy in the same boat generally would not coexist together.
- Django Unchained was criticized for making light of slavery and racial tensions and the media nearly had a fainting spell when they learned a very important figure in cinema had very important objections. But upon learning it was only Spike Lee the controversy subsided but not enough to keep Leonardo DiCaprio's from getting snubbed. Apparently someone in Hollywood is still bitter over Leo being an arrogant prick in the late 90's
- Amour was foreign which meant no one saw it except 5 hipsters at an alternative theater in Austin, Texas and as of yet no one has been confirmed to have seen Beasts of the Southern Wilds.

So while the smart money says Hollywood will crown Lincoln because it always loves a good Historical, epic, biographical tale like Ghandi or Lawrence of Arabia. Enough old, uptight Oscar voters have passed on to allow something a little more stylish like Argo to sneak through and claim the prize.

FUN BONUS FACT #5
Look for past Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr. appearing in commercials to remind any winners who get their trophy by sheer, dumb, serendipitous luck that in 20 years when your career has crashed and you need cash. Fast. The helpful people at Cash for Gold can turn that Oscar Gold into cold hard cash! Show me the money indeed!

AND A SUPER BONUS FUN BONUS FACT
Everyone is expecting a cutting edge, comedy routine from host Seth MacFarlane but that probably wont happen since Hollywood and celebrities in general are humorless, lifeless, soulless egomaniacs who are incapable of laughing at themselves. And I do mean literally incapable because all the Botox and facelifts make it physically impossible to laugh. But more likely he'll join Dave Letterman, Jon Stewart, and Ellen DeGeneres forced to pull punches and hold back resulting in a disappointing act. And a somewhat partly funny Seth MacFarlane is lot like a straight thinking, sober Amanda Bynes. Just not that fun.