Tiger Woods, Racist Gnomes, and the Lifetime Movie script generator

Germany bans Racist Gnomes – A souvenir gift company has been forced by the German gov’t to stop selling yard gnomes that have the cute feature of doing a facist Nazi salute. Guess it’s worth noting the ‘Travelocity Roaming Gnome’ still has yet to feature Israel in the advertisements. I never trusted those little bastards.

Jon Gosselin appearance fee – Since this is the saga that will never end, news leaked that Jon Gosselin charges upwards of $10,000 for personal appearance fees. I wonder if there’s a chance if I break open my 401K that I can pay him for a disappearance fee to just go away?

Prop 8 Defense FAIL – Lawyers defending the California ban on gay marriages known as Prop 8 in Federal Appeals Court based their argument that gay marriage would erode traditional society. When pressed by the Appeals judge to provide specific evidence or actual proof, the defense could not provide any examples. So essentially the argument that gay marriage will destroy society looks like this:
Step 1 – Allow Gay Marriage
Step 2 - ?
Step 3 - ?
Step 4 – Society goes to hell in a handbasket

Album Release FAIL - I'm not a music industry expert, but I'm guessing releasing the new album from Chris Brown tentatively titled 'What an a**hole' so soon after being convicted of assaulting former girlfriend Rihanna may not be a good call. The only way Brown's career goes any further in the toilet is if a video comes out of him making fun of the Special Olympics or kicking a puppy. At this point you might want to wait until that dark cloud has cleared, like sometime between eternity and never.

Finally, an opponent Tiger Woods can’t beat – Apparently one sandtrap Tiger Woods can’t play his way out of is getting caught cheating by a golf club wielding wife and being making a clean getaway in a Cadillac Escalade. This episode helped usher the end of journalism with respected outlets from the mainstream media having to cite gossip trash site tmz.com as a source. Though, ESPN SportsCenter kept it in proper perspective by analyzing whether Wood's wife should have used the driver instead of the three-iron when whacking Tiger.

NFL Red Zone Channel = Gambler’s Dream – The Red Zone Channel from the NFL Network which shows live games where a team is about to score a touchdown is the most watched pay channel on cable TV for the Fall during Sundays. Undoubtedly aided by the gamblers with money on the games along with the bookies who will be coming to collect said money from said gambler.

A quick note on celebrity sex tapes - If said tape is of a celebrity whose main claim to fame is reality TV, than it's not a celebrity sex tape but rather just porn. Thank You.

The latest Barack Obama conpsiracy theory - Right wing blogger sites and at least one GOP congressman are claiming Obama's speech about Afghanistan was a deliberate attempt to destroy Christmas. Because the prime time speech pre-empted the Peanuts Charlie Brown Christmas Special.

Dick Cheney can shut up anytime now - Watching old man Cheney criticize Obama for 'dithering' about handling Iraq and Afghanistan is sort like an arsonist criticizing how the Fire Department put out the fires he started. Plus, we all would have appreciated if Lil Bush had 'dithered' about whether it was good idea to invade Iraq in the first place.

Nicholas Cage is apparently broke - Remember when Nic Cage was considered an trailblazing, avant garde actor who was going to torch the screen with intense performances that promised to usher in an era of exciting, ground-breaking, independent cinema? Neither do I.

Italians object to new MTV Show - The latest MTV faux reality show The Jersey Shore with the tagline 'detailing the life of rich Jersey guidos!' (they're term not mine) is the low rent East Coast alternative to The Hills which validates our decision not to visit the Jersey Shore anywhere north of Point Pleasant. Essentially the show "documents" the adventures of a group of Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, Italian males whose main goal in life appears to be getting drunk and having sex without the hassle and burden of holding a job or going to college while at their parent's shorehouse.

This has several Italian organizations up in arms saying it unfairly depicts stereotypes of Italians. In defense of the show, it's not saying all Italians are 'Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, guidos'. But rather that 'Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, guidos' who some reason all seem to congregate in the North Jersey coastal towns just happen to be Italian.

Sarah Palin goes rogue......on reality - Within days of the release of Sarah Palin's 400 page exercise in axe grinding disguised as a autobiography, the Associated Press managed to point out at least 30 instances in the book that we're certified as untrue by a powerful analytic device known as objective reality.

Money quote: 'Palin was never one to let little things like facts or reality get in the way of a good bout of paranoia' Roy Sekoff, political editor of Huffington Post

Lifetime Movie Script Generator – Having been unable to ban the Lifetime Movie Channel from my house, I asked the question of how they produce so many movies of such…uhh…quality. I think I figured out the formula.

Part 1: A Woman (insert any B-list, washed up TV actress) who can be typecast as (choose among Student/Single Mother/Jilted Wife/Emotionally Needy Daughter/Tori Spelling/some combo of all of the above)

Part 2: Falls in love with a Man who on the surface appears to be (insert Handsome/Rich/Nice Guy/Perfect Stepdad/Regular Joe/Prince Charming/Rob Lowe)

Part 3: and after a brief, contrived, mostly unbelievable courtship, woman falls in love (insert generic, clique 'dating' scenes featuring actors pretending to enjoy each other's company). If low on budget insert stock footage from Hallmark card, dating site, or jewelry commercial.

Part 4: However man gradually reveals himself to be a (choose from Psycho/Serial Killer/Already Married/Abusive/Escaped Con/Cross-Dresser/Running from Mob(and/or Law)/Rob Lowe)

Part 5: which leads to the main plot where woman must resolve dilemma by (choose Run From/Hide From/Turn into Police/Kill/show Rob Lowe tape of his acting) the Man in order return to a normal life of presumably talking somebody’s ear off.