Somalia Pirates, Leo DiCaprio's Girlfriend, and The Great American 'Teabagging'

Julia’s Gentleman Caller – I knew this would happen but so early? At a pancake breakfast fundraiser, some budding Casanova takes Julia’s hand and takes her for a walk. Really? At 2 years old and the kid is already flirting?

Now playing on Hell’s TIVO – The Hallmark Channel announced it’s 2009 lineup of 35 original movies that I’m sure will feature it’s usual commitment to film excrement..urr.. excellence. Featuring an all-star cast of D-list celebrities who collectively bring a starpower caliber equal to that of a reading light. This year’s crop promises to induce Diabetic shock with storylines so sappy and schmaltzy that I can already feel my blood sugar going through the roof.

Perhaps the greatest album review ever – From Esquire magazine regarding the New Jonas Brothers album: “Obituary: Music officially dies after succumbing to the release of “Jonas Brothers 3-D Movie Soundtrack”. Reportedly on the day the music died, it said good-bye to Miss American Pie then drove a Chevrolet truck to a levy only to find said levy was dry where two Southern gentleman we’re consuming alcoholic beverages and discussing their mortality.”

As if men needed another reason to hate Leonardo DiCaprio – Proving that life is indeed unfair, Leo’s girlfriend Bar Refaeli graced the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition causing grown men to stop dead in their tracks, saying “Whoa momma!” at newsstands everywhere.

The Great American 'Teabagging' – In an apparent protest of taxes and government, thousands of ‘teabaggers’ are holding ‘Tea Parties’ across America on April 15 when taxes are due proving many right-wing talk radio fans completely lack a sense of irony given the term ‘teabagging’ has whole other connotation. So if any ‘teabagger’ is wondering why everyone is snickering and laughing at them, please consult urbandictionary.com or ask any adolescent teenage boy. At least they didn’t call it a ‘Roman Soldier Helmet’ party or ‘Salad Tossing’ party.

Piracy: It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt – The latest scourge of the high seas involves pirates from Somalia highjacking large freight ships and crew in the Indian Ocean demanding ransom for their release. Not sure if they got the idea from watching too much “Pirates of the Caribbean ” but I’m guessing Capt. Jack Sparrow would not be crazy enough to take on the US Navy. Particularly after seeing the Navy SEAL snipers take out three pirates holding an American ship captain hostage.

As a result expect this Gov’t statistic to be updated more frequently: Body Count of Pirates by President

Thomas Jefferson – 800

James Madison – 500

Barack Obama - 3

Age of Enlightenment apparently skipped Alaska – Proving that she’s old school when it comes to family values (old as in Middle Ages) Gov.Sarah Palin nominated Attila the Hun..urr.. Wayne Anthony Ross for the State’s attorney general.

When asked to explain why he opposed criminalizing sexual assault among married couples, Ross replied: “If you can’t rape your wife, who can you rape?”

AIG looks to change image after Bailout controversy – Trying to stem outrage after the public learned that AIG paid over $100 million in bonuses from bailout funds meant to stimulate the economy to the very people responsible for the Sub-Prime crisis. With it’s brand tarnished, AIG is considering a PR campaign with either ‘Ooops, about that global economic collapse, our bad’ or ‘Hey, at least we’re not Bernie Madoff’ as it’s slogan.

Dick Cheney might want to lawyer up – Several Bush admin officials including Alberto Gonzalez may not want to leave the country anytime soon thanks to expected indictments of human rights violations from Spain. I’m not well versed in Legalese, but from what I understand, by choosing to violate the Geneva Convention regarding the humane treatment of prisoners of war at Guantanamo Bay outside the US legal system.

It also means those who performed or authorized are laso outside the protection of the US legal system. The detainee camp essentially operated in a ‘lawless’ zone where any human rights offense could be prosecuted by any country.

So in essence, the Bush Admin screwed themselves once the Int’l Red Cross verified the systematic torture and deaths of least 12 detainees as a result, because other countries then have the right to prosecute human rights violations which occur to their citizens. But on the bright side they say Spain is lovely in the springtime, especially from a prison cell.

15 THINGS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT PARENTHOOD (PART 2 – THE TODDLER YEARS)

This is a follow-up to my original post that you can find here: PART 1: THE NEWBORN YEARS

1. With a second child, responsibility increases exponentially – Here’s the new math: 2 parents + 1 child > 3 and 2 parents + 2 children > 4 meaning it does not get any easier with the second child. Which gives you a newfound respect for single parents because after several hours alone with the kids, I must look like a lobotomy patient or Amy Winehouse after a 2-day bender.

2. Kids are lot like Roosters – Regardless of day, once the sun comes up they’re up and jumping up on you’re bed ‘Breakfast Daddy? Breakfast?’ whether you want to sleep or not. So the first few minutes of the day are spent resembling a zombie from Night of the Living Dead mumbling “Coffee….Coffee….Coffee..”. The flipside of course comes 15 years later when getting them up before noon on Weekends provides a chance for revenge.

3. You’re meals are no longer your own – Like the mooch in college who always vultured over a stash of snacks, toddlers are automatically attracted to the sound of a running microwave or fridge opening looking to mooch off some of you’re food “What ya eatin daddy?” So we’ve made a point to snack on healthy foods so they both girls will get into viewing fruits, veggies as the cool food.

4. New parents get a 2-year mulligan period – According to all those expert books kids don’t form permanent memories until at least 2 years old so you have a trial period to screw-up and not have you’re kids hold it against you.

5. Never underestimate ability of kids to pick up language – Kids say the darndest things especially in front of strangers, particularly with words you didn’t want them to know. Like when Julia dropped a plate and said “Oh S**t” at an outdoor picnic with five other people looking on. That’s when you act all surprised and reply with feigned indignity “Where did you learn that word?” making sure to cut them off in case they reply “From you”.

6. Never underestimate ability of kids to read emotions – Amazingly our oldest has figured out when we’re patronizing her. For instance she’ll say “I drew picture for you” and I’ll reply lazily “That’s nice”. Then indignant, she’ll says firmly “No Daddy..LOOK”. Mmm’kay on cognitive development list for assertiveness, check.

7. Luckily, as cognitive ability increases, parents still have the upper hand – By nature kids will get into things they are not supposed to get into, but thankfully they don’t realize that sound travels which thereby alerts the parents to some mischievous doing. So kids adapt and learn to be sneaky, but alas they have not learned that by nature kids are also noisy so when there is an suspicious silence, parents can deduce they are up to something, thereby leading to kids getting caught..AGAIN.

8. Pediatricians have a superiority complex – Because there are many stupid parents, Peds will assume everybody who comes into their office is stupid and needs to be talked down to like a 5-year old. Our Ped gave us a lecture on what bacteria is and how anti-biotics work. To which my wife responded…”Thanks for the refresher because I was afraid those 4 years in college getting a Biology degree would go to waste”.

9. Opinions on parenting are like butt-holes, everyone seems to have one – Evidently there are several undeclared wars between those who believe in working versus stay-at-home moms or breast-feeding versus formula advocates or family planning versus natural conception advocates that spill out on internet chatrooms and mindless talk shows everywhere. So when I become a unwilling combatant in one of these wars, I politely say “I’ll go ahead and raise my kids the way we see fit and you go ahead and stick your opinion where the Sun don’t shine”.

10. Teething infants make great birth control for teens – Having my wife’s cousins babysit our two kids has helped ensure there will be no unplanned pregnancies in their future. After three hours of cleaning up puke, poop, and drool along with having to deal with overall crankiness of teething. Every one of them afterward is like “Uh, parenting like blows, so I’ll focus on college for the time being.”

11. Kids are basically germ magnets – Knowing there is an impending stomach bug in your body can only be compared to the dread that Medieval Europeans felt seeing an impending Viking raid coming to their village. It’s almost a ritualistic event every year when cold, Flu, or stomach ailments get picked up by the kids and spread through the house like wildfire. But we refuse to become germophobes because if you don’t expose them to everything, their immune systems will not get stronger.

12. You laugh at parents who shop at Gap Kids or Carter’s – Nothing says pretentious yuppie like parents buying a wardrobe full of expensive kids clothes because they grow so fast you’ll be lucky to get more than one good day’s use out of them. It’s one thing for pictures or a special occasion. But can anyone really tell the difference between a $40 6-month outfit from Carter’s and a $4 one from Target? The best is watching an uppity parent freak out because that precious outfit got dirty and is most likely stained for good.

13. Kids ultimately have to learn the Law of the Playground – They reach that age where you have to let your kids loose on the playground with other kids and hope they play well with others. Inevitably, you always seem to have the one bratty little kid in the group who does something mean to your kid while they’re dolt parent is oblivious. The natural response is to get up and smack that little urchin upside the head but that my little girls will have to learn that there are jerks at every age and you just have to ignore them. Of course doesen’t mean you can’t hide said brat kids favorite toy and smile in guilty delight as he throws a tantrum.

14. Your entertainment choices are limited to Nickelodeon or Disney – So while you can try to steer them in the cartoon preference that will cause the least headaches.

15. Your career goals get a much needed perspective – I was one of those real ambitious types out of grad school who would stay late at work because it impressed the boss. But when you have kids you realize the real rewards are getting home in time to play with them before bed. The best part is no matter how much of a punching bag you feel like after a really bad day. When you come home and your daughters come running to you, no amount of money, promotions, or corporate glory can buy that feeling.

Recession, Reefer Madness, and Finding my Inner Nerd

Snowstorms - Great for kids, sucks when you're an adult

How do you know that it’s time to go to go on a diet? – When your daughter points out that I have ‘boobies’ like Mommy and during a check-up and you get the heaviest weight ever in your life prompting the nurse to ask “Did you eat Little Debbie or just her snacks?” I was at 236, which may not be very big except when entering college, I weighed 135. Part of it (well, lot of it) was mass-quantity beer drinking in my early to mid 20’s. But luckily my company has it’s own gym (working for ‘The Man’ has it’s privileges) and I’m now down to 223 at last check. I’ll keep you posted.

Discovering my ‘Inner Nerd’ – I was never comic book guy and I’m probably part of the 1% of people on the planet who still have not seen Dark Knight. However, I’m looking forward to The Watchmen because it’s the only graphic novel to make the list of 100 Top Influential novels of the 1980’s from Time magazine. It’s sort of the Thinking Man’s version of ‘Superfriends’. Of course getting my wife to be remotely interested will be a challenge suitable for Superman.

This can be filed as ‘Well, Duh’ – According to the article “George Lucas destroyed my childhood” recently in Entertainment Weekly, nerds (oops sorry ‘Fans’) are complaining that Lucas has ruined the Star Wars franchise by overmarketing everything about the series for money. In response to the criticism, Lucas launched his new website “The Star Wars Cash Cam” where get you to see live footage Lucas counting all his money after the Brink’s truck shows up to deliver the day’s royalties.

This should make you feel better about the recession – According to Congressional insiders familiar with the Bailout. On Sept. 18, 2008, the US was potentially three hours away from financial Armageddon when the stock market lost over $600 Million dollars during morning trading and was on pace to lose 70% of it’s value before a deal was made on the Bailout. And you thought you had a bad day.

And this make you feel better about the near future – According to the Gov’t Accounting Office the Medicare Hospital fund may go broke as early as 2018.

And this make you feel better about the long-term future – Because of the current budget deficit, Congress is ‘borrowing’ from the Social Security trust-fund to pay for Gov’t departments. But don’t worry, given Washington’s track record of fiscal prudence I’m sure it will be paid back in time as a safety net for young people because it’s not like there’s a huge cohort of Baby Boomers set to retire in the next 10 years or anything.

“Weedies”: The New Breakfast of Champions – With a photo of Michael Phelps taking a hit off a bong appearing on the Internet, evidently those PSA commercials stating weed gets you nowhere in life will have to scrapped since it didn' stop Phelps from the Olympics. I’ll knock Phelps for being stupid and putting his endorsement money at risk but honestly I won’t knock him for the weed. Not that I endorse smoking it, but given the steroids in baseball and abuse of painkillers in football it’s nothing. Besides both the current and former President have admitted snorting cocaine in their ‘wayward’ youth, so cut him some slack.

In other ‘Weed’ related news – According to Peter Yarrow of 60’s folk group Peter, Paul, and Mary, their song ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’ was not about marijuana. Uh, yeah and I’m sure The Beatles’ song ‘What’s the New Mary Jane’ was actually about a woman named Mary Jane. Plus Jimi Hendrix’s ‘All Along the Watchtower’ was actually about standing on top of a tower or some other elevated vantage point.

And while we’re on the topic of weed – In honor of Vancouver , British Columbia hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics they have asked for ideas for a mascot to represent the city. Seeing as that Province legalized marijuana recently, I suggested ‘Spliffy’, everybody’s favorite talking joint with the tagline “Light it up, Dudes!” as the official slogan. For some reason they hung up on me when I called them with the idea.

Not to paint Canada with a broad brush or anything but given most Canadians I knew smoked weed like a chimney, they could probably replace the Maple leaf with a marijuana leaf on the Canadian flag.

Hot new feud: the Republican Party vs. Reality – In the official GOP response to Barack Obama’s well received State of the Union address. Bobby Jindal, the current Governor of Louisiana and now former ‘frontrunner’ for the party’s 2012 Presidential nomination gave one of the worst speeches at one of the worst posible times in modern political history. Jindal said his party opposed the economic stimulus because of ‘excessive’ government spending and that tax breaks for the wealthy will solve the economic crisis. So according to them foremost on American’s minds right now about Gov’t intervention in the economy are concerns about spending and lower taxes while not at all concerned about heading off the next Great Depression or anything. Uh, good luck with that.

Pittsburgh wins the Super Bowl* – As a Cincinnati Bengals fan my reaction to the last second touchdown was to repeat the F-word in succession for about five minutes. However in the interest of sportsmanship allow me to send along my congratulations to Steeler fans everywhere on your Championship with the sincere wish that you choke on it and die.

*Bitterness – A feeling of loathing or irrational hatred for someone or something that often experiences success causing a deep seated resentment in those who usually do not have success.

Megan Fox breaks off Engagement** – In a sign that God does indeed exist, Megan Fox broke off her engagement to her full time unemployed actor beau Brian Austin Green who is occasionally remembered for his absolutely non-groundbreaking role in the 90’s teen show Douchebag High ..urr..Beverly Hills 90210. Not to brag but if I were still single I think I could score a date with Megan Fox because I’m just that good!

**Delusional – A overall state of false or altered perception of self in relation to reality