About a decade and a half ago I created these awards for my fraternity to honor the best of our drunken, disorderly, and dumb moments. Boy has this taken a life of it's own since leaving college. Ladies and gents time to hand out this year's Rossy's:
The Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity – A mugger managed to pick the absolute wrong place, person, and time to try an armed robbery. The place was the Harrisburg PA Convention Center men’s restroom, the person was an an off-duty cop and the time was a weapons expo for SWAT Team and Undercover Police from around the country. Although the mugger managed to get the wallet, the getaway path meant getting through 300+ cops. Needless to say said robbery attempt did not end well.
The 'Fly the Friendly Skies' Award – Over 30 passengers on a flight from Havana,Cuba to London were arrested for drunken disorderly conduct after turning the cross-Atlantic trip into the party of the year. Among the facebook picture worthy highlights included a drunken female trying to open the Main door of the airplane at 30,000 feet, beverage cart racing in the aisles, and practicing for emergency landing with no clothes.
Home Depot Do-It-Yourself Award – Sheriff’s deputies in Iowa discovered an interesting front porch addition to an abandoned house consisting of a stuffed deer carcass posed as it we're waving....that had been dressed up as a circus clown....complete with clown makeup. Actual quote from the Sheriff’s office “We don’t know who put it there or how it got there, and frankly we really don’t want to know’.
The Happy Hour lasted an hour too long award – In Japan, Finance Minister Shoichi Nakagawa before appearing in a televised press conference about the impact of the global financial crisis, found the best way to alleviate his Nation’s anxiety…by getting so hammered he nearly puked midway through event while slurring most of his answers. Based on Nakagawa's observations, Wall Street analysts advised clients to drink a six pack of Schlitz beer before opening their investment statements.
The best moment you didn’t see on Antiques Road Show – An elderly woman who bought an antique vase from a Goodwill Store in Ohio found an added bonus tucked away inside in the form of marijuana with a street value of $1,500. In possibly related news, tabloids are reporting Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson had become avid antique vase collectors.
The best video you didn’t see on YouTube – Formula 1 racing President and formerly respected Euro businessman Max Mosely may have provided the sex scandals to end all sex scandals which BBC News described using these phrases in the same sentence: video tape, S&M dungeons, dominatrixes wearing Nazi uniforms, Halocaust reenactment orgy, and strap-on dildos.
The best political moment you didn’t see on Meet the Press – While campaigning as a candidate for Georgia Governor, Neal Horsely managed to short circuit his political career in the span of about 30 seconds, when he revealed in a radio interview that his first sexual experience was with a mule on the family farm. Political pundits of all stripes agree that the old joke about Georgia ‘where men are men, and the sheep are scared’ probably needed amending.
The Best Riot (not involving European Soccer Fans) – Normally the idea of a family feud invoked the classic 70's game show whereby wholesome families engaged in friendly competition guessing survey responses while host Richard Dawson hit on the hot wives on the show. But two neighboring clans in the rural Northeast corner of Alabama decided to play the feud old school style involving 180 people fighting with 2x4’s, lead pipes, chains, and pet rattlesnakes. Forcing a large portion of the Alabama State Police to intervene presumably without the charm of Richard Dawson and prizes involving an eyeful of tear gas.
Best Fight (Drinking and/or Cocaine Use Category) – Vince Schlomi (aka ‘The ShamWow Guy’) had his meteoric rise in the ‘As seen on TV’ commercial circuit derailed after being arrested for a fistfight with a hooker at a Miami hotel while celebrating New Year’s. Evidently the fight started when Schlomi became slightly annoyed after said hooker tried to rip out his tongue with her teeth. The district attorney won’t comment if Schlomi offered to throw in a set of free ShamWow towels when he negotiated price for the hooker's services.
Best Fight (Non-Drinking Category) – Guns N’ Roses lead singer Axl Rose did his best Sean Penn impersonation by getting into fistacuffs with paparazzi at LAX airport in Los Angeles. According to eyewitnesses Rose became enraged after one of the photogs asked for their money back after buying GNR's new album ‘Chinese Democracy’.
The Eliot Spitzer Award for Best Use of a Prostitute – Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlesconi was embarrassed when pictures surfaced of him and very young nude women partying at his villa on the island of Sardinia who depending which story you believe we’re either a) local escorts or b) nude models interested in Silvio’s views on foreign policy. Silvio nonetheless proved to be a master politician by turning the tables and chastising the media for the audacity of suggesting that a handsome, charming gentleman like himself actually had to pay for sex when clearly no woman could resist him (Yep, he actually said that). When asked for reaction Bill Clinton replied ‘damn he’s good’.
The Bernie Madoff (formerly Enron) Award - A lot of people will fib a little on tax returns to get a little extra in tax refunds but devious mastermind Marlon Moore took it to a whole new level. On his 2008 tax return Moore tried to list his tax refund due as $15 Trillion dollars...yes that's Trillion with a capital 'T'. This stroke of criminal genius worthy of Lex Luthor was tripped up by one small overlooked detail: The US Gov't on average 'only' takes in $2 Trillion in tax revenues, so theoretically Moore should been able to bankroll the entire country. While Federal judge complimented his ambition all Moore got for his troubles was 2 years in prison and the Price is Right loser song...'Bum bum bum bum bum.......ahhhhhhh'
The Bobby Knight Anger Management Award – Two cops in Aurora, CO we’re suspended after they pulled their loaded guns on the cashier of a McDonald’s drive-through to make a point about hurrying their lunch order after becoming furious with the delay. No word, if said officers ever had any similar history of losing their temper, particularly after McDonald's stopped selling the McRib sandwich. No word if this tactic could be considered useful for putting the ‘Jiffy’ in getting a Jiffy express oil change.
The Best ‘DOWT!’ Moment of 2009 – Before a routine public hearing in the California State Legislature, Assemblyman Michael Duvall was making small talk by bragging about a sexual threesome encounter he had over the Weekend. The funny part of the story was his microphone was turned on allowing the entire conversation to heard by everyone in the room including news media. Besides getting in trouble with Mrs.Duvall, he now faces ethics investigation because the two participants of said menage-a-trois we're actually lobbyists for a utility company, and Duvall's primary responsibility at that public hearing dealt with....wait for it....not yet.....regulating utility companies.
The Honorary Ashton Kutcher Punk’d Award – In Cardiff, Wales official city coroner John Phillips reportedly was considered a really fun guy who never let the fact that he worked in a morgue stop the good times.
According to testimony in his misconduct trial, Phillips allegedly loved practical jokes, such as posing bodies as staff members, replacing people’s lunch with internal organs or hiding under sheets to scare unknowing colleagues. Sadly the hijinks came to an end when Phillips and his staff were observed having a water balloon fight in the morgue while family members came to identify a body. He was able to keep his job though his future career move as the next Buddy Hackett will have to wait.
Rossy Award Hall of Fame inductee for 2009 – A man in Cairns, Australia was arrested for repeatedly breaking into local sex shops to have intimate relations with expensive blow-up dolls then putting them back in the box. Allegedly these crimes of passion came to the attention of shop proprietors after several customers complained of 'used' merchandise.
Once police we’re able to stop laughing long enough, they caught the 'gangster of inflatable love' by reviewing surveillance tapes and performing DNA testing. Criminologists debated whether the most disturbing aspect of the case were really the spurned customers who had no shame to actually return the dolls.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Tiger Woods, Racist Gnomes, and the Lifetime Movie script generator
Germany bans Racist Gnomes – A souvenir gift company has been forced by the German gov’t to stop selling yard gnomes that have the cute feature of doing a facist Nazi salute. Guess it’s worth noting the ‘Travelocity Roaming Gnome’ still has yet to feature Israel in the advertisements. I never trusted those little bastards.
Jon Gosselin appearance fee – Since this is the saga that will never end, news leaked that Jon Gosselin charges upwards of $10,000 for personal appearance fees. I wonder if there’s a chance if I break open my 401K that I can pay him for a disappearance fee to just go away?
Prop 8 Defense FAIL – Lawyers defending the California ban on gay marriages known as Prop 8 in Federal Appeals Court based their argument that gay marriage would erode traditional society. When pressed by the Appeals judge to provide specific evidence or actual proof, the defense could not provide any examples. So essentially the argument that gay marriage will destroy society looks like this:
Step 1 – Allow Gay Marriage
Step 2 - ?
Step 3 - ?
Step 4 – Society goes to hell in a handbasket
Album Release FAIL - I'm not a music industry expert, but I'm guessing releasing the new album from Chris Brown tentatively titled 'What an a**hole' so soon after being convicted of assaulting former girlfriend Rihanna may not be a good call. The only way Brown's career goes any further in the toilet is if a video comes out of him making fun of the Special Olympics or kicking a puppy. At this point you might want to wait until that dark cloud has cleared, like sometime between eternity and never.
Finally, an opponent Tiger Woods can’t beat – Apparently one sandtrap Tiger Woods can’t play his way out of is getting caught cheating by a golf club wielding wife and being making a clean getaway in a Cadillac Escalade. This episode helped usher the end of journalism with respected outlets from the mainstream media having to cite gossip trash site tmz.com as a source. Though, ESPN SportsCenter kept it in proper perspective by analyzing whether Wood's wife should have used the driver instead of the three-iron when whacking Tiger.
NFL Red Zone Channel = Gambler’s Dream – The Red Zone Channel from the NFL Network which shows live games where a team is about to score a touchdown is the most watched pay channel on cable TV for the Fall during Sundays. Undoubtedly aided by the gamblers with money on the games along with the bookies who will be coming to collect said money from said gambler.
A quick note on celebrity sex tapes - If said tape is of a celebrity whose main claim to fame is reality TV, than it's not a celebrity sex tape but rather just porn. Thank You.
The latest Barack Obama conpsiracy theory - Right wing blogger sites and at least one GOP congressman are claiming Obama's speech about Afghanistan was a deliberate attempt to destroy Christmas. Because the prime time speech pre-empted the Peanuts Charlie Brown Christmas Special.
Dick Cheney can shut up anytime now - Watching old man Cheney criticize Obama for 'dithering' about handling Iraq and Afghanistan is sort like an arsonist criticizing how the Fire Department put out the fires he started. Plus, we all would have appreciated if Lil Bush had 'dithered' about whether it was good idea to invade Iraq in the first place.
Nicholas Cage is apparently broke - Remember when Nic Cage was considered an trailblazing, avant garde actor who was going to torch the screen with intense performances that promised to usher in an era of exciting, ground-breaking, independent cinema? Neither do I.
Italians object to new MTV Show - The latest MTV faux reality show The Jersey Shore with the tagline 'detailing the life of rich Jersey guidos!' (they're term not mine) is the low rent East Coast alternative to The Hills which validates our decision not to visit the Jersey Shore anywhere north of Point Pleasant. Essentially the show "documents" the adventures of a group of Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, Italian males whose main goal in life appears to be getting drunk and having sex without the hassle and burden of holding a job or going to college while at their parent's shorehouse.
This has several Italian organizations up in arms saying it unfairly depicts stereotypes of Italians. In defense of the show, it's not saying all Italians are 'Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, guidos'. But rather that 'Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, guidos' who some reason all seem to congregate in the North Jersey coastal towns just happen to be Italian.
Sarah Palin goes rogue......on reality - Within days of the release of Sarah Palin's 400 page exercise in axe grinding disguised as a autobiography, the Associated Press managed to point out at least 30 instances in the book that we're certified as untrue by a powerful analytic device known as objective reality.
Money quote: 'Palin was never one to let little things like facts or reality get in the way of a good bout of paranoia' Roy Sekoff, political editor of Huffington Post
Lifetime Movie Script Generator – Having been unable to ban the Lifetime Movie Channel from my house, I asked the question of how they produce so many movies of such…uhh…quality. I think I figured out the formula.
Part 1: A Woman (insert any B-list, washed up TV actress) who can be typecast as (choose among Student/Single Mother/Jilted Wife/Emotionally Needy Daughter/Tori Spelling/some combo of all of the above)
Part 2: Falls in love with a Man who on the surface appears to be (insert Handsome/Rich/Nice Guy/Perfect Stepdad/Regular Joe/Prince Charming/Rob Lowe)
Part 3: and after a brief, contrived, mostly unbelievable courtship, woman falls in love (insert generic, clique 'dating' scenes featuring actors pretending to enjoy each other's company). If low on budget insert stock footage from Hallmark card, dating site, or jewelry commercial.
Part 4: However man gradually reveals himself to be a (choose from Psycho/Serial Killer/Already Married/Abusive/Escaped Con/Cross-Dresser/Running from Mob(and/or Law)/Rob Lowe)
Part 5: which leads to the main plot where woman must resolve dilemma by (choose Run From/Hide From/Turn into Police/Kill/show Rob Lowe tape of his acting) the Man in order return to a normal life of presumably talking somebody’s ear off.
Jon Gosselin appearance fee – Since this is the saga that will never end, news leaked that Jon Gosselin charges upwards of $10,000 for personal appearance fees. I wonder if there’s a chance if I break open my 401K that I can pay him for a disappearance fee to just go away?
Prop 8 Defense FAIL – Lawyers defending the California ban on gay marriages known as Prop 8 in Federal Appeals Court based their argument that gay marriage would erode traditional society. When pressed by the Appeals judge to provide specific evidence or actual proof, the defense could not provide any examples. So essentially the argument that gay marriage will destroy society looks like this:
Step 1 – Allow Gay Marriage
Step 2 - ?
Step 3 - ?
Step 4 – Society goes to hell in a handbasket
Album Release FAIL - I'm not a music industry expert, but I'm guessing releasing the new album from Chris Brown tentatively titled 'What an a**hole' so soon after being convicted of assaulting former girlfriend Rihanna may not be a good call. The only way Brown's career goes any further in the toilet is if a video comes out of him making fun of the Special Olympics or kicking a puppy. At this point you might want to wait until that dark cloud has cleared, like sometime between eternity and never.
Finally, an opponent Tiger Woods can’t beat – Apparently one sandtrap Tiger Woods can’t play his way out of is getting caught cheating by a golf club wielding wife and being making a clean getaway in a Cadillac Escalade. This episode helped usher the end of journalism with respected outlets from the mainstream media having to cite gossip trash site tmz.com as a source. Though, ESPN SportsCenter kept it in proper perspective by analyzing whether Wood's wife should have used the driver instead of the three-iron when whacking Tiger.
NFL Red Zone Channel = Gambler’s Dream – The Red Zone Channel from the NFL Network which shows live games where a team is about to score a touchdown is the most watched pay channel on cable TV for the Fall during Sundays. Undoubtedly aided by the gamblers with money on the games along with the bookies who will be coming to collect said money from said gambler.
A quick note on celebrity sex tapes - If said tape is of a celebrity whose main claim to fame is reality TV, than it's not a celebrity sex tape but rather just porn. Thank You.
The latest Barack Obama conpsiracy theory - Right wing blogger sites and at least one GOP congressman are claiming Obama's speech about Afghanistan was a deliberate attempt to destroy Christmas. Because the prime time speech pre-empted the Peanuts Charlie Brown Christmas Special.
Dick Cheney can shut up anytime now - Watching old man Cheney criticize Obama for 'dithering' about handling Iraq and Afghanistan is sort like an arsonist criticizing how the Fire Department put out the fires he started. Plus, we all would have appreciated if Lil Bush had 'dithered' about whether it was good idea to invade Iraq in the first place.
Nicholas Cage is apparently broke - Remember when Nic Cage was considered an trailblazing, avant garde actor who was going to torch the screen with intense performances that promised to usher in an era of exciting, ground-breaking, independent cinema? Neither do I.
Italians object to new MTV Show - The latest MTV faux reality show The Jersey Shore with the tagline 'detailing the life of rich Jersey guidos!' (they're term not mine) is the low rent East Coast alternative to The Hills which validates our decision not to visit the Jersey Shore anywhere north of Point Pleasant. Essentially the show "documents" the adventures of a group of Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, Italian males whose main goal in life appears to be getting drunk and having sex without the hassle and burden of holding a job or going to college while at their parent's shorehouse.
This has several Italian organizations up in arms saying it unfairly depicts stereotypes of Italians. In defense of the show, it's not saying all Italians are 'Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, guidos'. But rather that 'Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, guidos' who some reason all seem to congregate in the North Jersey coastal towns just happen to be Italian.
Sarah Palin goes rogue......on reality - Within days of the release of Sarah Palin's 400 page exercise in axe grinding disguised as a autobiography, the Associated Press managed to point out at least 30 instances in the book that we're certified as untrue by a powerful analytic device known as objective reality.
Money quote: 'Palin was never one to let little things like facts or reality get in the way of a good bout of paranoia' Roy Sekoff, political editor of Huffington Post
Lifetime Movie Script Generator – Having been unable to ban the Lifetime Movie Channel from my house, I asked the question of how they produce so many movies of such…uhh…quality. I think I figured out the formula.
Part 1: A Woman (insert any B-list, washed up TV actress) who can be typecast as (choose among Student/Single Mother/Jilted Wife/Emotionally Needy Daughter/Tori Spelling/some combo of all of the above)
Part 2: Falls in love with a Man who on the surface appears to be (insert Handsome/Rich/Nice Guy/Perfect Stepdad/Regular Joe/Prince Charming/Rob Lowe)
Part 3: and after a brief, contrived, mostly unbelievable courtship, woman falls in love (insert generic, clique 'dating' scenes featuring actors pretending to enjoy each other's company). If low on budget insert stock footage from Hallmark card, dating site, or jewelry commercial.
Part 4: However man gradually reveals himself to be a (choose from Psycho/Serial Killer/Already Married/Abusive/Escaped Con/Cross-Dresser/Running from Mob(and/or Law)/Rob Lowe)
Part 5: which leads to the main plot where woman must resolve dilemma by (choose Run From/Hide From/Turn into Police/Kill/show Rob Lowe tape of his acting) the Man in order return to a normal life of presumably talking somebody’s ear off.
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