Yes I shamelessly borrowed this concept from Bill Maher
NEW RULE 1 Sex addiction no longer allowed as an excuse for celebrities caught cheating – By now we all know the routine, celeb gets caught in affair, celeb goes into 'sex rehab', celeb does confessional on Oprah, then all is supposedly forgiven. No more, if you're a celebrity and you get having an extramarital affair you don't have a sex addiction, but rather you were someone who won the genetic lottery, had other options sexually and chose to use them.
NEW RULE 2: The TLC Channel must change its name – TLC whose current acronym stands for The Learning Channel must change its name since nothing on that channel is anything worth learning. Unless you still film 'Jon and Kate Plus 8' to document how fame can disintegrate a marriage and corrupt individuals. A possible suggestion for a new name is The 'Dwarfs and dweebs having way too many kids along with some gibroni in New Jersey baking cakes which somehow is supposed to be cute' channel. Also applies to Discovery Health which will now be renamed 'Judging the Mentally Ill' channel.
NEW RULE 3: The Oscars must be subject to a recall vote – This is because upon further review there is absolutely no comprehendible, conceivable, f***ing way that Gwyneth Paltrow beats out Cate Blanchett for Best Actress in 1999. See also: Dances with Wolves over Goodfellas for Best Picture in 1991, Forrest Gump over Pulp Fiction for Best Picture in 1995, and the documentary Hoop Dreams never getting nominated in Best Documentary that same year.
NEW RULE 4: Celebrity sex tapes cannot be released unless it's a celebrity we actually want to see have sex – Tapes involving Kendra Wilkinson, Kim Kardashian, et al are acceptable if they can pass the '15 test' which is will a 15 year old teenage boy be aroused enough to want spank off to it. Otherwise shifts to the latter category featuring Pamela Anderson, Tanya Harding, et al where they will be banned for benefit of public health to prevent unintended vomiting. However any sex tape featuring Megan Fox must played on a 24 hour cycle on all major broadcast networks.
NEW RULE 5: The Idle wealthy cannot complain....about anything – Recent studies have shown that rich people who don't work and don't have to (reference: Rich Housewives of New York, trust fund babies, children adopted by Brangelina) are the most likely to seek therapy several times a week because apparently being rich is such a burden with all of its little problems. Therefore counseling for them is limited to forced viewing of the following footage in a never ending loop: 1) kids rummaging a sewage canal for food in Indonesia, 2) a mother hoping to get formula for her starving child in refugee camp in Haiti, 3) working class family in middle America trying to figure out how to pay their mortgage and avoid foreclosure.
NEW RULE 6: Anyone who still chants 'Drill Baby Drill!' is officially a moron – After seeing the calamity in the Gulf of Mexico does anyone still want to argue that finding an alternative energy source other than oil is still a waste of time? If you answered 'Yes' please grab a bucket, mop, gloves and report to the Louisiana coast for clean up duty. Then if the answer is still 'Yes' please see an unemployed Gulf fisherman so they shove a bucketload of oil covered shrimp down your throat.
NEW RULE 7: Creationists cannot be Anti-Environment – If you're a fundamentalist Christian who holds a literal interpretation of the Bible that Earth is only 5,000 years, there is no way you can be in favor of multi-national Energy companies, since oil is formed by decomposing matter from fossils that give or take a couple of MILLION years to form. Because that would be illogical.
NEW RULE 8: Musicians cannot have a 'Retirement' tour one year then several years later stage a 'Comeback' tour – This is sort a hybrid of the Garth Brooks, Eninem, Jay-Z rule because with average cost to see a concert now exceeding $100 per person no one really wants to be jerked around. Therefore alternately must be called 'We're going away on vacation for a three year drug bender' tour followed several years later by the 'Our accountant called with bad news so we're back on the road for more cash' tour.
NEW RULE 9: The Jonas Brothers are officially banned from the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame – Any 'rock' band that poses on the cover of Good Housekeeping with their mom is not a rock band, plus any 'rock' band where middle aged parents like to listen to it as much as their kids is not a rock band. Therefore I place this curse upon The Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame: Should any of the Jonas Brothers ever enter its hallowed halls even to use the bathroom, the remaining members of The Sex Pistols will burn it to the ground with the Jonas Brothers inside then urinate on its ashes.
NEW RULE 10: Jesus Needs new PR – Effective immediately, Pope Benedict, Pat Robertson, The Religious Right, et al you are all fired. Please collect your things and leave out the side door as we'll send your 2-week severance in the mail. We who do believe are tired of having to apologize to non-believers every time you say or do something stupid which lately is roughly once an hour. Therefore we will begin the search for new spokespeople whose embodiment runs more along the lines of that guy who lived 2,000 years ago in Jerusalem whose message centered on peace, love, and understanding. You know THAT guy from whom Christianity gets it namesake. Also we'll need Rev. Fred "I picket funerals of fallen US soldiers with God Hate Fags signs" Phelps and all of your braindead followers to kindly report for euthanasia at your nearest death row prison facility.
NEW RULE 11: Politicians and other public figures can no longer offer Non-Apology 'Apologies' when saying something offensive, stupid (or both) – Here's an example of annoying trend in public discourse. During the South Carolina Republican gubernatorial primary State Sen. Jake Knotts referred to candidate Nikki Haley, an Asian-Indian, as a 'raghead' when describing why he endorsed her main rival. Inevitably a fury ensued so Sen.Knotts offered this contrition in the form of 'Sorry if anyone was offended' which sounded more like 'What the hell is the big deal?' as opposed to a real apology which would sound like 'Sorry, what I said was wrong'. Therefore anyone receiving an non-apology 'apology' is thereby allowed to refer to the offending party's mother as a filthy, c-sucking whore, then say 'Sorry if you were offended'.
And Finally NEW RULE 12: Any wingnut who threatens to leave the US because Obama is President must put their money where their mouth is...AND LEAVE – I was never a very big fan of George Bush but at no time in his Presidency did I ever consider leaving because this is my country, my birthplace, and besides Europe is just too crowded. Lately some on the right-wing fringe have been making noise about fleeing the country because they don't like who got democratically elected as President. Interesting how overnight due to one election we went from World's greatest country to some Authoritarian socialist-fascist state. These people are sort of like bandwagon fans in Sports, cheer on their team when times are great but root for some other team when times are bad. So they bloviate about fleeing to Canada or somewhere in Latin America where personal freedom still exists since America became communist or something (not sure if they realize even Costa Rica has universal healthcare).
If that's the case, then leave because this country can get a lot more done without all the dead weight because as Thomas Paine famously declared that now is not the time for 'sunshine patriots'. I know a tropical paradise that will be perfect where you won't be bothered by who gets elected President, you can have all the individual freedom you want, and the income is tax free because there's no government interference whatsoever! It's called Somalia! Though just remember to pack a lot of guns because you'll probably need them. Meanwhile we'll give your spot to one of the millions of people worldwide waiting to come here as immigrants and start their American dream.
