Disclaimer: This is no way a paid endorsement of GEICO insurance but rather a test if I can be funnier than their million dollar marketing team. Frankly if their lawyers read this I'll probably get slapped with a cease and desist letter so enjoy while you can!
When reading imagine Geico's commercials where the overly serious, hard-boiled spokesman with the raspy voice says his trademark line then turning toward the camera asks about some absurd rhetorical question followed by a comic segment depicting the answer to that question. Now here just visually plug in each scenario below after the trademark question....
'Could switching to GEICO really save you 15 percent or more on car insurance?.......
1)...Do members of N'SYNC have trouble getting phone calls returned by Justin Timberlake?'
(Scene: Lance Bass in kitchen on phone calling for Timberlake but can never seem to get past his Assistant)
Lance Bass: Tell JT It's Lance Bass...we were in N'SYNC together...what do you mean he's busy for the next 15 years...Well tell him we're getting boys together for a reunion tour....Well alright I guess I'll stay on hold...NO not Lance Armstrong...Lance Bass...(click, dial tone) ..Hello?...Hello?
2)...Would winning a bar fight with an Octopus be a difficult proposition?'
(Scene: Dive bar by a shipping harbor with drunken longshoreman sitting next to a large, grumpy looking Octopus smoking a pipe)
Shoreman: What the hell are you looking at slimebag?
(Octopus grabs Shoreman's hat with tentacle #1 and lifts it over his head playing keep away)
Shoreman: Hey you pile of blob, give me that
(Octopus proceeds to slap shoreman with tentacle #2...then tentacle #5...then tentacle #3..then tentacle #7...)
Shoreman: Fight like a man you spineless mullosc!
(Octopus lifts shoreman with two tentacles and throws him threw a window followed by a splash denoting he has fallen into the water)
3)...Is Mariah Carey's therapist underpaid?'
(Scene: Therapist's Office with Carey holding her little dog on couch while therapist sits in chair looking absolutely miserable)
Carey: I just don't how little Cindy Loo-Loo here just can't get along Fuzzy-Duck Mo-Mo. Reminds me of the time we went to hidden unicorn valley on Candycane mountain and you (pointing to the dog) Loo-Loo got all mad with Patty Prissypants....
(Pan camera to therapist sneaking a sip of presumably whiskey from a flask and putting his head in his hands)
4)...Was anyone really surprised Ricky Martin was gay?'
(Scene: Ricky Martin and his agent in outdoor cafe in Miami's South Beach)
Ricky: Tommy I have a secret...I'm gay
Agent: Really? (facial expression belying feigned shock)
Ricky: Wow! Are you surprised? I must have hid it pretty well, huh?
Agent: No, not really (facial expression disappears) Helen Keller could tell you were gay. I mean if this table is Gaydar, you are dead ahead at 12 o'clock.
5)...Would Dane Cook getting punched in the nuts be the funniest thing he'd ever done'
(Scene: Cook on stage telling some long-winded, supposedly amusing story about his life)
Cook: So I tell the McDonald's cashier what you mean can't I have breakfast past 10? Then I say well it's 10:02 and haven't you ever heard of the customer is always right..wait it gets better..
(Ghost of George Carlin appears and punches Cook square in family jewels. Pan out to Cook writhing in pain on stage as crowd gives loud uproar and standing ovation)
6)...Would calling a little person a midget get you a kick in the shins?'
(Scene: On city street in generic city with grown man climbing on top of car holding his presumably injured leg while trying to keep away from angry little person yelling at him)
Little Person: You wanna know where the Yellow Brick Road begins!? It starts with my foot mother(bleeper)...and you can follow it as it kicks your ass! C'mon big man I'll even show you where the Keebler elves reside. (picks up metal pipe and starts breaking the car windows...Police sirens in background)
7)...Does Kanye West have a God complex?'
(Scene: Interview in non-descript hotel room as part of some publicity tour)
West: You know growing up I thought I was the Son of God since all my rhymes are divinely inspired for the betterment of mankind. But then my Sunday school teacher broke the news..'Kanye, the Bible already tells us God already sent his only Son to save humanity...and he wasn't you!'
(Interviewer tries to get a word in but fails)
West: After getting thrown out of class for calling Father a (bleep)sucker I fell into a funk you know because this Jesus fellow stole my thunder. And everybody was all like 'Jesus this, Jesus that'. But let me ask you, how many hits has Jesus ever had...
(Interviewer tries to answer)
West: Zero. He turned water to wine but has he ever turned water into Cristal?
8)...Does passing gas then blaming it on invisible animals only work for so long with kids?'
(Scene: Living Room of typical Suburban home with Dad reading newspaper in Laz-Boy and two 9 year-olds, a boy and girl are playing video games)
Dad: (loud fart sound)
Girl: Dad!..That's Gross!
Dad: It wasn't me...it was that tiny pink Zebra under the end table. He's invisible because you can't see him (looks condescendingly back at paper with smirk)
Girl: Oh so maybe it was also an invisible giraffe that always tries on Mom's lipstick
Boy (laughing): Yeah and maybe it was that invisible Rhino that got all dressed up as a woman and went to hang out at the truck stop by the Interstate calling herself Rhonda
Dad: I don't know (looking increasingly embarrassed, sinking in chair, hiding behind paper)
(Girl turns up iPod to Aerosmith's 'Dude, Looks like a Lady' as both kids point and laugh)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
How Much Of An A**hole Are You? A Fun Quiz : )
Since my work computer was being serviced all day by IT decided to make one of those quizzes we could actually use. For the following 12 questions answer Yes or No then add up all Yes responses to determine how much of an a**hole are you:
1. After Japan defeated the US to win the Women's World Cup, did you go on Chat forums and taunt their fans 'Yeah, but we got 2 World Cups and a World War...SCOREBOARD!'
2.Upon hearing Lamar Odom was involved in a car crash resulting in the fatality of a teenager, was your first thought 'Well, police can certainly rule out Lamar being distracted by Khloe Kardashian explaining nuclear physics'?
3.Think back in grade school while you were on a regular school bus and the short bus pulled alongside. There was always that one kid who noticed that A) kids on the short bus looked a little different and B) proceeded to make fun of those kids. Were you that kid?
4.Do a lot of your jokes start out with 'I'm not a racist but...' after looking around cautiously?
5.When Gary Coleman passed away, within 24 hours were you one of those people forwarding dead midget jokes via e-mail? (ie. They say death comes in 3's but Coleman's came in 2.5's)
6. Remember back to a commercial involving Med Alert in the late 80's and a certain iconic scene where an elderly woman on the floor screams 'I'VE FALLEN....AND I CAN'T GET UP!' Did that scene make you laugh? (Add 2 points if in general elderly ladies falling down is humorous to you)
7.Upon seeing Kidnap victim Jaycee Dugard interviewed after her 18 year ordeal, did she register high on your 'Inappropriate Hotness' scale leading you to mention that she's doable while at the Happy Hour with your co-workers?
8.Did you become a New York Yankees fan after 1996 or a Pittsburgh Steelers fan after 2005?
9.When someone shows you baby pictures of kid who's not so cute and her Mom asks if you think she's a pretty baby, did you ever reply 'Not really' (Add 2 points if you replied 'Now I know why Lions eat their young')
10.When walking through a big city and notice a Homeless person panhandling. Have you ever pretended to dig through your pockets to pull out some change only show an empty hand as a gag?
11. At a dinner party, the hostess mentions she's collecting donations for The Special Olympics. Do you attempt to make conversation by mentioning 'I really don't see what's so special about it since anyone can do those events?'
12. Read the following joke from comedian Louis CK then answer as to whether you were able to laugh without the slightest feeling of discomfort or guilt:
'My measure of a person's decency is how long they stopped masturbating after 9/11. For me it as after first tower fell but before the second one did'
Now add up all your Yes answers then check your score:
0 - You are a regular Mother Theresa loved by all living things, especially small children and furry animals
1 through 3: You are Christian Bale, an otherwise decent person but prone to occasional fits of assholishness. Usually your inner sphincter only comes as an angry response to other people like his infamous tirade on the set Terminator or as he would say 'OHHH Good for You!'
4 through 6: You are a Duke University graduate who tends to be a jerk-off by nature but like brilliant sociopaths can be charming when they have to be.
7 through 9: You are Labron James, a adolescent man-child whose assholishness is a unintentional consequence of having every need pandered to by others. He didn't mean to offend Cleveland with 'The Decision' as he was just unaware of other people's feelings. Or completely unaware other people existed period.
10 Or More: You are Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd C. Blankfein and do not feel constrained to the rules and subtleties of human interaction. You don't need to observe the nicety's or civility normally required to gain favor or status in a social setting. Because you're Lloyd (bleepin) Blankfein and therefore don't have to. Exemplified last year at a Congressional Hearing when asked if he wanted to apologize for his company's role in blowing up the economy in 2008, he replied 'No. Not Particularly'. Judaism calls refers to this as Chutzpah or if you are Michele Bachmann it's called Choot-spa.
1. After Japan defeated the US to win the Women's World Cup, did you go on Chat forums and taunt their fans 'Yeah, but we got 2 World Cups and a World War...SCOREBOARD!'
2.Upon hearing Lamar Odom was involved in a car crash resulting in the fatality of a teenager, was your first thought 'Well, police can certainly rule out Lamar being distracted by Khloe Kardashian explaining nuclear physics'?
3.Think back in grade school while you were on a regular school bus and the short bus pulled alongside. There was always that one kid who noticed that A) kids on the short bus looked a little different and B) proceeded to make fun of those kids. Were you that kid?
4.Do a lot of your jokes start out with 'I'm not a racist but...' after looking around cautiously?
5.When Gary Coleman passed away, within 24 hours were you one of those people forwarding dead midget jokes via e-mail? (ie. They say death comes in 3's but Coleman's came in 2.5's)
6. Remember back to a commercial involving Med Alert in the late 80's and a certain iconic scene where an elderly woman on the floor screams 'I'VE FALLEN....AND I CAN'T GET UP!' Did that scene make you laugh? (Add 2 points if in general elderly ladies falling down is humorous to you)
7.Upon seeing Kidnap victim Jaycee Dugard interviewed after her 18 year ordeal, did she register high on your 'Inappropriate Hotness' scale leading you to mention that she's doable while at the Happy Hour with your co-workers?
8.Did you become a New York Yankees fan after 1996 or a Pittsburgh Steelers fan after 2005?
9.When someone shows you baby pictures of kid who's not so cute and her Mom asks if you think she's a pretty baby, did you ever reply 'Not really' (Add 2 points if you replied 'Now I know why Lions eat their young')
10.When walking through a big city and notice a Homeless person panhandling. Have you ever pretended to dig through your pockets to pull out some change only show an empty hand as a gag?
11. At a dinner party, the hostess mentions she's collecting donations for The Special Olympics. Do you attempt to make conversation by mentioning 'I really don't see what's so special about it since anyone can do those events?'
12. Read the following joke from comedian Louis CK then answer as to whether you were able to laugh without the slightest feeling of discomfort or guilt:
'My measure of a person's decency is how long they stopped masturbating after 9/11. For me it as after first tower fell but before the second one did'
Now add up all your Yes answers then check your score:
0 - You are a regular Mother Theresa loved by all living things, especially small children and furry animals
1 through 3: You are Christian Bale, an otherwise decent person but prone to occasional fits of assholishness. Usually your inner sphincter only comes as an angry response to other people like his infamous tirade on the set Terminator or as he would say 'OHHH Good for You!'
4 through 6: You are a Duke University graduate who tends to be a jerk-off by nature but like brilliant sociopaths can be charming when they have to be.
7 through 9: You are Labron James, a adolescent man-child whose assholishness is a unintentional consequence of having every need pandered to by others. He didn't mean to offend Cleveland with 'The Decision' as he was just unaware of other people's feelings. Or completely unaware other people existed period.
10 Or More: You are Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd C. Blankfein and do not feel constrained to the rules and subtleties of human interaction. You don't need to observe the nicety's or civility normally required to gain favor or status in a social setting. Because you're Lloyd (bleepin) Blankfein and therefore don't have to. Exemplified last year at a Congressional Hearing when asked if he wanted to apologize for his company's role in blowing up the economy in 2008, he replied 'No. Not Particularly'. Judaism calls refers to this as Chutzpah or if you are Michele Bachmann it's called Choot-spa.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
It's Time For NEW RULES!!!! (The 2011 Edition)
Yes this concept shamelessly stolen from Bill Maher but it's time for my NEW RULES
NEW RULE #1: Hair Metal Bands from the 80's have to stop blaming Nirvana for the genre's demise - This year marks the 20th anniversary of the release of Nirvana's landmark album Nevermind and undoubtedly there will be whining from aging metalheads blaming the band and subsequent Grunge movement that followed for spoiling the party. Actually heavy metal still lives, just in a different form without all the hairspray, gaudiness, and pleather pants (ie: Disturbed, Sevendust, etc.)
Sadly I'm old enough to remember the pre-Nirvana 90's pop music landscape which was a wasteland of aging 70's rock bands, hair metal, throwaway Pop stars, and clownish Hip-Hop acts. I can specifically recall the first time I listened to Smells Like Teen Spirit on the radio and it was the most refreshing thing I'd ever heard. Sort of the exhilarating feeling that must come after being stuck in a cramped closet with a chain smoker who never bathes but then someone unlocks the door providing an air freshener. Because by 1991 Hair Metal officially descended into self-parody with Warrant's Cherry Pie video. So if Nirvana didn't knock it off its pedestal, someone else surely would have.
NEW RULE #2: But since Grunge flamed out Axl Rose and Slash must reunite to save Rock N Roll - Apparently Maroon 5 and Five for Fighting are the supposed saviors of Rock? Umm no... more like saviors of Adult Contemporary. They basically are this generation's version of Peter Cetera and Chicago. My benchmark for whether music rocks is ask if you were a teenager would cranking it full blast in the car piss off your Mom. With this current crop your Mom would more likely be singing along instead of telling you to shut it off.
So in honor of the upcoming 25th anniversary of their debut album Appetite for Destruction, recorded on a 13 day cocaine/hooker/Jack Daniels fueled bender. I humbly ask surviving members of the ORIGINAL Guns N Roses lineup to save rock music from itself. If GN'R were around today and in prime form, the only reason they would show up on Americas Got Talent would be to burn down the studio and urinate on its ashes.
NEW RULE #3: People angry over Casey Anthony verdict need to realize 'CSI' and 'Law & Order' do not adequately reflect how our criminal justice system works - As much as I think Anthony is probably the Worst Person in the World and whom the gates of Hell cannot open fast enough. You cannot blame the jury because in a Capital Murder Case circumstantial evidence alone should not be enough to convict. Either Anthony is so diabolical she perpetrated one of the most brilliant cover-ups in history or simply the luckiest trailer trash mom alive. But without physical evidence linking her to the crime, the verdict is understandable though I wish they had voted split jury instead of acquittal so the not ready for prime time prosecution team would have a second shot.
If anyone wonders what the flipside to that coin is, take the case of the West Memphis 3 in Arkansas. Back in 1991 a trio of teenagers were convicted of murdering a little boy based solely on the evidence that they liked heavy metal, therefore they must worship Satan, and since one time they hung out in the woods where the boy was murdered it must surely be them. Never mind there was not one shred of physical evidence linking them to the crime. Today they along with far too many others sit on Death Row under questionable prosecution. If you want to get angry over injustice, start getting angry over that.
NEW RULE #4: Nancy Grace needs to STFU - Police in Florida might have been able to connect Anthony to the murder of her daughter via hard evidence had they been given more time and patience by the general public. But Grace and her $10 mall hair cut had to start a virtual lynch mob by playing judge, jury, and executioner creating a spotlight that made their jobs impossible. And why is it that Grace only seems concerned with blond, attractive, All-American girls who go missing? Considering girls and women who live in poor and minority areas tend to be at higher risk of falling prey to sexual violence and exploitation, how about someone advocating for them for a change.
NEW RULE #5: There needs to be a temporary embargo on the use of the word 'Really?' - Uh, Really? Yes, really. It's a clever device when used in response to witnessing a stunning display of ignorance, or something just plain bullshit stupid. But like TV show Glee, and singer Selena Gomez it might becoming a little too big for its own good. Therefore, I impose a one-year moratorium on its use to prevent overuse. Sort of like fishing quotas. In its place is the always acceptable 'Are you (bleeping) kidding me?'
NEW RULE #6: There also needs be a five year embargo on movies based on a comic book - Or a classic but underrated 80's movie, or popular childhood toys from the 80's, or a popular 70's TV show, or a video game, or a Japanese horror film, or a prequel to the last sequel of an already existing superhero movie franchise, or a reimage of a superhero movie done just 15 years ago, or a spin-off of a minor character from a superhero movie, or based on the concept of Superhero X meets Superhero Y, or any superhero movie where the marketing campaign for collectible action figures sold in fast food restaurants came before the writing of the actual script.
NEW RULE #7: Victims of Bernie Madoff must stop complaining - For the most part I don't feel bad for the vast majority of them since for over 20 years while the stock market fluctuated like a rollercoaster, they got magical 5% returns seemingly every month. And not once did they ever bother to question if that was even statistically possible or perhaps something fishy might be going on. Which made them Wall Street's favorite kind of combination in a client: Greedy and Dumb.
Madoff's victims really can't claim collectively of getting bilked out of $40 Billion since they never really had that money to begin with. And considering the court appointed trustee on the case has recuperated $3 Billion dollars to spread among just a few thousand people in compensation. I'd say they made out pretty good, which is a lot more than the average American can say about their life savings after the Financial crisis occurred.
NEW RULE #8: Twitter must idiot-proof the service for pro-athletes, celebrities, and politicians - You know that device on internet log in pages called 'captcha', the squiggly letters or numbers you have to enter before it can be submitted? I'm thinking something along those lines for celeb tweets. Things like 'Hey there sports star, are you sure calling your boss a greedy Jew will really help you get that contract extension?' or 'Hey teen idol, are you sure the Disney home office will like that twit pic of your breasts?' or 'Hey Senator, we noticed someone is trying to send a profile picture of a penis to some 19 year-old. Surely, that wouldn't be YOURS, right?'
NEW RULE #9: Celebrities need to refrain from giving out parenting advice - Oh how cute, some A-List movie or TV star had a baby! And to listen to them gush and gleam over every little burp and bowel movement you'd think they were the first woman ever in the history of human beings to have a baby. Glad to hear celebmoms are happy but the rest of us parents living in the real world really don't want to hear it. I'm guessing a JLo, or a Katie Holmes, or a Kate Hudson never had to run out at 2 in the morning to find a 24 hour pharmacy because the kid has 103 temp, or trek through a snowstorm to get diapers, or dole out the equivalent of a mortgage for daycare. Not saying celebs don't love their kids, but really what can someone with a staff of nannies really say that's useful to anyone.
NEW RULE #10: During political arguments, combatants can no longer call their opponet a Nazi - Last I checked reforming healthcare, raising taxes on the rich, or reforming Social Security does not make somebody a Nazi. That label should be reserved for really specific instances like perpetrating a mass genocide against a religous or ethnic group, and attempting to install worldwide Fascism through military invasion of peaceful countries. Calling my HR Rep a Nazi for warning me about photocopying my ass (I'm speaking hypothetically of course) is a false equivalency which minimalizes the true atrocities inflicted by them and undermines why they should always be loathed. So lets relagete Nazism should to the two places it belongs, the scrapheap of history and Glenn Beck's closet.
NEW RULE #11: The Religous Right needs to go away - I certainly believe religion of any kind has a right to participate in the public square of ideas and civil discourse. But the problem I have with the Religous Right who basically are a fringe minority of Christians is that they disproportionately dominate the attention around election time. Their pet peeves like abortion, stem-cell research, and Gay marriage have no consequence on the future of this country. Yet these issues always suck out the oxygen of every Presidential election and divide people unnecessarily while preventing the real important issues from being debated.
The Religous Right are sort of like that crazy Aunt every family seems to have, who people try to ignore, but because she has money, you can't call her crazy, but 'eccentric'. And at family dinners, everyone squirms while the Aunt spoutsoff her paranoid, delusional theories about everything but especially sex. And because the Religous Right seem to have money and influence they have lately been pushing some very 'eccentric' legislation in State Legislatures accross the country. A sampling:
1.Elimination of No Fault Divorce Laws, virtually forcing unhappy couples to stay married unless someone cheated or got abused (Kansas, North Dakota)
2.Making women who've had miscarriages show evidence to law enforcement that it wasn't an illegal abortion (Georgia)
3.Overturning US Supreme Court case Griswold vs. Connecticut which established the right of married couples to use contraception and establishes the right to marital privacy (Alabama)
These aren't just creepy, they go against the ideals of individual freedom this country was founded on.
AND FINALLY NEW RULE #12 - True Education Reform starts with holding teachers accountable to teach....
But also includes holding students accountable to actually learn what is being taught and to put down the God Damn video game and do their homework.
It also includes holding parents accountable for ensuring that their kid comes to school ready, willing, and able to learn.
It also includes holding school adminstrators accountable for ensuring a environment where kids who want to learn can learn, and jerk-offs who bully and disrupt get sent home for an ass-beating.
It also includes holding school boards accountable for making sure education is their priority and not simply a stepping stone for furthering their own political careers.
It also includes holding communities accountable to see that its schools are adequately funded and equipped so that learning may take place.
And while on were on the subject of communities, maybe ornery, cranky Senior citizens could vote for a school levy once in awhile. Seeing as previous generations gave their kids that courtesy when they were in school, perhaps this crop of Elderly could extend the same courtesy to the next generation.
It also includes holding University and college Presidents accountable to keep higher education affordable and attainable for qualified students from average, working families while not saddling them with six figure debt for the good portion of their adult lives.
It also includes holding the media accountable to get away from pushing the pop culture notion that being smart is uncool because being considered a nerd isn't the worst thing that can happen at age 13.
It also includes holding State and Federal lawmakers accountable for overseeing an educational system that focuses kids on being ready for a 21st Century economy where the US must compete with cheap labor oversees and we no longer have the edge in technological advancement. You know a public education system that produces adults who are thinkers, doers, leaders, dreamers, go-getters, boundary-breakers, and optimists.
Because in areas where bad schools exist the future generation is gonna need to be all that to clean up the mess made when too many grown-ups of all stripes at some point stopped caring about the quality of education in their community. While there are bad schools, there are indeed just as many if not more good schools out there. What separates the good from the bad is whether the surrounding community as a whole values education or not.
I actually think overall our schools are doing a good job, but like a lot of things in this country we could do better. But simply making teachers the enemy for all its shorfalls really masks the larger societal factors that are bringing down the quality of our kids' education. What's really sinking education in this country is the gradual loss of a sense of the common good replaced by a selfish, narcissistic, me-first mentality.
Oh and one last thing. Be wary of education 'reformers' who want to completely overhaul the entire system (coughs under breath Michelle Rhee). The risk of giving them full control of our education is sort of like paying a carpenter to rearrange the Living Room and they instead bulldoze the house.
NEW RULE #1: Hair Metal Bands from the 80's have to stop blaming Nirvana for the genre's demise - This year marks the 20th anniversary of the release of Nirvana's landmark album Nevermind and undoubtedly there will be whining from aging metalheads blaming the band and subsequent Grunge movement that followed for spoiling the party. Actually heavy metal still lives, just in a different form without all the hairspray, gaudiness, and pleather pants (ie: Disturbed, Sevendust, etc.)
Sadly I'm old enough to remember the pre-Nirvana 90's pop music landscape which was a wasteland of aging 70's rock bands, hair metal, throwaway Pop stars, and clownish Hip-Hop acts. I can specifically recall the first time I listened to Smells Like Teen Spirit on the radio and it was the most refreshing thing I'd ever heard. Sort of the exhilarating feeling that must come after being stuck in a cramped closet with a chain smoker who never bathes but then someone unlocks the door providing an air freshener. Because by 1991 Hair Metal officially descended into self-parody with Warrant's Cherry Pie video. So if Nirvana didn't knock it off its pedestal, someone else surely would have.
NEW RULE #2: But since Grunge flamed out Axl Rose and Slash must reunite to save Rock N Roll - Apparently Maroon 5 and Five for Fighting are the supposed saviors of Rock? Umm no... more like saviors of Adult Contemporary. They basically are this generation's version of Peter Cetera and Chicago. My benchmark for whether music rocks is ask if you were a teenager would cranking it full blast in the car piss off your Mom. With this current crop your Mom would more likely be singing along instead of telling you to shut it off.
So in honor of the upcoming 25th anniversary of their debut album Appetite for Destruction, recorded on a 13 day cocaine/hooker/Jack Daniels fueled bender. I humbly ask surviving members of the ORIGINAL Guns N Roses lineup to save rock music from itself. If GN'R were around today and in prime form, the only reason they would show up on Americas Got Talent would be to burn down the studio and urinate on its ashes.
NEW RULE #3: People angry over Casey Anthony verdict need to realize 'CSI' and 'Law & Order' do not adequately reflect how our criminal justice system works - As much as I think Anthony is probably the Worst Person in the World and whom the gates of Hell cannot open fast enough. You cannot blame the jury because in a Capital Murder Case circumstantial evidence alone should not be enough to convict. Either Anthony is so diabolical she perpetrated one of the most brilliant cover-ups in history or simply the luckiest trailer trash mom alive. But without physical evidence linking her to the crime, the verdict is understandable though I wish they had voted split jury instead of acquittal so the not ready for prime time prosecution team would have a second shot.
If anyone wonders what the flipside to that coin is, take the case of the West Memphis 3 in Arkansas. Back in 1991 a trio of teenagers were convicted of murdering a little boy based solely on the evidence that they liked heavy metal, therefore they must worship Satan, and since one time they hung out in the woods where the boy was murdered it must surely be them. Never mind there was not one shred of physical evidence linking them to the crime. Today they along with far too many others sit on Death Row under questionable prosecution. If you want to get angry over injustice, start getting angry over that.
NEW RULE #4: Nancy Grace needs to STFU - Police in Florida might have been able to connect Anthony to the murder of her daughter via hard evidence had they been given more time and patience by the general public. But Grace and her $10 mall hair cut had to start a virtual lynch mob by playing judge, jury, and executioner creating a spotlight that made their jobs impossible. And why is it that Grace only seems concerned with blond, attractive, All-American girls who go missing? Considering girls and women who live in poor and minority areas tend to be at higher risk of falling prey to sexual violence and exploitation, how about someone advocating for them for a change.
NEW RULE #5: There needs to be a temporary embargo on the use of the word 'Really?' - Uh, Really? Yes, really. It's a clever device when used in response to witnessing a stunning display of ignorance, or something just plain bullshit stupid. But like TV show Glee, and singer Selena Gomez it might becoming a little too big for its own good. Therefore, I impose a one-year moratorium on its use to prevent overuse. Sort of like fishing quotas. In its place is the always acceptable 'Are you (bleeping) kidding me?'
NEW RULE #6: There also needs be a five year embargo on movies based on a comic book - Or a classic but underrated 80's movie, or popular childhood toys from the 80's, or a popular 70's TV show, or a video game, or a Japanese horror film, or a prequel to the last sequel of an already existing superhero movie franchise, or a reimage of a superhero movie done just 15 years ago, or a spin-off of a minor character from a superhero movie, or based on the concept of Superhero X meets Superhero Y, or any superhero movie where the marketing campaign for collectible action figures sold in fast food restaurants came before the writing of the actual script.
NEW RULE #7: Victims of Bernie Madoff must stop complaining - For the most part I don't feel bad for the vast majority of them since for over 20 years while the stock market fluctuated like a rollercoaster, they got magical 5% returns seemingly every month. And not once did they ever bother to question if that was even statistically possible or perhaps something fishy might be going on. Which made them Wall Street's favorite kind of combination in a client: Greedy and Dumb.
Madoff's victims really can't claim collectively of getting bilked out of $40 Billion since they never really had that money to begin with. And considering the court appointed trustee on the case has recuperated $3 Billion dollars to spread among just a few thousand people in compensation. I'd say they made out pretty good, which is a lot more than the average American can say about their life savings after the Financial crisis occurred.
NEW RULE #8: Twitter must idiot-proof the service for pro-athletes, celebrities, and politicians - You know that device on internet log in pages called 'captcha', the squiggly letters or numbers you have to enter before it can be submitted? I'm thinking something along those lines for celeb tweets. Things like 'Hey there sports star, are you sure calling your boss a greedy Jew will really help you get that contract extension?' or 'Hey teen idol, are you sure the Disney home office will like that twit pic of your breasts?' or 'Hey Senator, we noticed someone is trying to send a profile picture of a penis to some 19 year-old. Surely, that wouldn't be YOURS, right?'
NEW RULE #9: Celebrities need to refrain from giving out parenting advice - Oh how cute, some A-List movie or TV star had a baby! And to listen to them gush and gleam over every little burp and bowel movement you'd think they were the first woman ever in the history of human beings to have a baby. Glad to hear celebmoms are happy but the rest of us parents living in the real world really don't want to hear it. I'm guessing a JLo, or a Katie Holmes, or a Kate Hudson never had to run out at 2 in the morning to find a 24 hour pharmacy because the kid has 103 temp, or trek through a snowstorm to get diapers, or dole out the equivalent of a mortgage for daycare. Not saying celebs don't love their kids, but really what can someone with a staff of nannies really say that's useful to anyone.
NEW RULE #10: During political arguments, combatants can no longer call their opponet a Nazi - Last I checked reforming healthcare, raising taxes on the rich, or reforming Social Security does not make somebody a Nazi. That label should be reserved for really specific instances like perpetrating a mass genocide against a religous or ethnic group, and attempting to install worldwide Fascism through military invasion of peaceful countries. Calling my HR Rep a Nazi for warning me about photocopying my ass (I'm speaking hypothetically of course) is a false equivalency which minimalizes the true atrocities inflicted by them and undermines why they should always be loathed. So lets relagete Nazism should to the two places it belongs, the scrapheap of history and Glenn Beck's closet.
NEW RULE #11: The Religous Right needs to go away - I certainly believe religion of any kind has a right to participate in the public square of ideas and civil discourse. But the problem I have with the Religous Right who basically are a fringe minority of Christians is that they disproportionately dominate the attention around election time. Their pet peeves like abortion, stem-cell research, and Gay marriage have no consequence on the future of this country. Yet these issues always suck out the oxygen of every Presidential election and divide people unnecessarily while preventing the real important issues from being debated.
The Religous Right are sort of like that crazy Aunt every family seems to have, who people try to ignore, but because she has money, you can't call her crazy, but 'eccentric'. And at family dinners, everyone squirms while the Aunt spoutsoff her paranoid, delusional theories about everything but especially sex. And because the Religous Right seem to have money and influence they have lately been pushing some very 'eccentric' legislation in State Legislatures accross the country. A sampling:
1.Elimination of No Fault Divorce Laws, virtually forcing unhappy couples to stay married unless someone cheated or got abused (Kansas, North Dakota)
2.Making women who've had miscarriages show evidence to law enforcement that it wasn't an illegal abortion (Georgia)
3.Overturning US Supreme Court case Griswold vs. Connecticut which established the right of married couples to use contraception and establishes the right to marital privacy (Alabama)
These aren't just creepy, they go against the ideals of individual freedom this country was founded on.
AND FINALLY NEW RULE #12 - True Education Reform starts with holding teachers accountable to teach....
But also includes holding students accountable to actually learn what is being taught and to put down the God Damn video game and do their homework.
It also includes holding parents accountable for ensuring that their kid comes to school ready, willing, and able to learn.
It also includes holding school adminstrators accountable for ensuring a environment where kids who want to learn can learn, and jerk-offs who bully and disrupt get sent home for an ass-beating.
It also includes holding school boards accountable for making sure education is their priority and not simply a stepping stone for furthering their own political careers.
It also includes holding communities accountable to see that its schools are adequately funded and equipped so that learning may take place.
And while on were on the subject of communities, maybe ornery, cranky Senior citizens could vote for a school levy once in awhile. Seeing as previous generations gave their kids that courtesy when they were in school, perhaps this crop of Elderly could extend the same courtesy to the next generation.
It also includes holding University and college Presidents accountable to keep higher education affordable and attainable for qualified students from average, working families while not saddling them with six figure debt for the good portion of their adult lives.
It also includes holding the media accountable to get away from pushing the pop culture notion that being smart is uncool because being considered a nerd isn't the worst thing that can happen at age 13.
It also includes holding State and Federal lawmakers accountable for overseeing an educational system that focuses kids on being ready for a 21st Century economy where the US must compete with cheap labor oversees and we no longer have the edge in technological advancement. You know a public education system that produces adults who are thinkers, doers, leaders, dreamers, go-getters, boundary-breakers, and optimists.
Because in areas where bad schools exist the future generation is gonna need to be all that to clean up the mess made when too many grown-ups of all stripes at some point stopped caring about the quality of education in their community. While there are bad schools, there are indeed just as many if not more good schools out there. What separates the good from the bad is whether the surrounding community as a whole values education or not.
I actually think overall our schools are doing a good job, but like a lot of things in this country we could do better. But simply making teachers the enemy for all its shorfalls really masks the larger societal factors that are bringing down the quality of our kids' education. What's really sinking education in this country is the gradual loss of a sense of the common good replaced by a selfish, narcissistic, me-first mentality.
Oh and one last thing. Be wary of education 'reformers' who want to completely overhaul the entire system (coughs under breath Michelle Rhee). The risk of giving them full control of our education is sort of like paying a carpenter to rearrange the Living Room and they instead bulldoze the house.
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