It's Your Completely Unnecessary Guide To the Oscars

By Jason Neal

WARNING: The following has been satirized for your protection

First something of a disclaimer, back in college when I had something called free time and could engage my cinephile hobby. I would have seen every movie and performance on this list and could have given you complete breakdown of each category. But alas adult responsibility came along now I'm limited to occasional Netflix and anything playing on basic cable. So in full disclosure I really haven't many of the nominees, BUT that's OK. Because I suspect many of the actual Oscar voters have not either and at least I have the integrity to admit it. 

The likelihood of winning is measured in 'Jack' units or how many Jack Daniels drinks would you would need to get the swagger of Jack Nicholson before appearing on stage ranging from 0 representing just Happy To be there, to 4 meaning grab your sunglasses, smirk, and the thank you list cause your headed to the podium! The 'Jack' units will appear in the ( ) along side nominee and each category ranked most to least likely.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Berenice Bejo, The Artist (3.5)

Octavia Spencer, The Help (3)

Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs (2)

Jessica Chastain, The Help (1)

Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids (1)

Personally I would give it to McCarthy but since Oscar voters have zero sense of humor so rule her out. Jessica Chastain's 'chestacular' performance will get her a Mr.Skin.com nod but sadly not here. Janet McTeer got overshadowed by Glenn Close. So we're left with Spencer and Bejo. Best Supporting Actress tends to favor the breakout role and Spencer would have had it locked had it not been for the late surge of The Artist so the Oscar goes to Bejo.

FUN OSCAR FACT #1: If you want to watch an actor squirm, find one whose career happened only because they are the child of some other famous actor, and ask this question: 'So Kate Hudson (or insert your own actress) now really tell us....assuming you weren't Goldie Hawn's daughter (or insert famous parent)...which of the following would you be doing.... working at a Wal-Mart or Denny's?'

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Christopher Plummer, Beginners (4)

Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn (3)

Johan Hill, Moneyball (3)

Nick Nolte, Warrior (2)

Max von Sydow, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (1)

Now personally my vote would to go von Sydow to make up for the Oscar snub two decades ago with the classic beer comedy Strange Brew. Nolte is out because frankly the Academy is afraid of what a acceptance speech on LSD laced with Crystal Meth would look like. Branagh is like the Kate Winslet of male actors, great performances but always overshadowed by some one-trick pony. Comes down to Plummer and Hill and since this category always tends to go to older actors as sort of quasi lifetime achievement award, your winner is Plummer.

FUN OSCAR FACT #2: Here's a phrase, you'll never, EVER hear at the Oscars acceptance ceremony: 'Wow thanks but really I'm just some guy playing make believe. Seriously 4 year olds can do this so there's no need for all the hoopla and pageantry. I'm donating this statuette to be melted down so the proceeds from the gold given to starving children in Haiti.'

BEST ACTRESS:

Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn (3.75)

Violet Davis, The Help (3.75)

Glenn Close, Albert Notts (2.5)

Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady (2)

Rooney Mara, Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (0)

Scratch Rooney Mara since watching the rape scene in Dragon Tattoo for voters was probably like sitting through Lindsay Lohan reciting the alphabet in a sobriety checkpoint stop, painful. Glenn Close gave a great gender-bending performance but the film required voters to actually think so she strikes out again. Streep nomination too controversial since Brits take offense to an American playing a Brit better than a Brit playing a Brit, so to avoid an international incident she's out. Leaves photo finish between Davis and Williams which very similar to the choice facing George Clooney whether to have the lobster or the crack crab when dining in the South of France while entertaining some hot, 'model turned actress' girlfriend.

FUN OSCAR FACT #3: On the red carpet, keep your eye out for when someone asks Kristen Stewart 'Why do you keep giving me that awkward look?'

BEST ACTOR:

Gary Oldman, Tinker, Tailor, Solider, Spy (3.5)

Brad Pitt, Moneyball (3)

George Clooney, Descendents and because he's George fucking Clooney

Jean Desjardins, Warrior (0)

Denian Bichiri, Better Life (0)

Best actor usually is all about star power so Desjardins and Bichiri are out at the start. Now Clooney already got a statue for his performance in Gets More Ass than The Driver's Seat of a Rental Car Syriana so probably won't get a second one this year. Moneyball focuses on the Oakland A's who actually never won anything with the moneyball system so neither will Brad Pitt. Thus your winner is Gary Oldman for The Professional urr...Harry Potter urr...The Dark Knight..urr..  Tinker Tailor, something or other. Oldman basically is like the Honey Badger of Hollywood:  'The honey badger is a bad ass. He just takes what we he wants because the honey badger don't care, the honey badger don't give a s...'

FUN OSCAR FACT #4: If Pitt should win, best part of Oscar night will be the camera panning to Jennifer Aniston as she tries to hide the scorn and thinks of her next entry in her 'Burn Book'

BEST PICTURE (ranked from least to most in 'Jack' units):

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Title also describes what its like living with a toddler, but the post 9-11 flick overloads on sentimentality. Though Oscars like sentimentality this movie had enough to give Diabetic insulin shock (0)

Tree of Life - Terrence Malick's spiritual piece undone by the fact no one knows what the hell is going on during the film. (0)

Midnight In Paris - First time in long time Woody Allen appears in category but film only seen by NYU Film students and by the .0000003% of American movie goers who actually think Woody Allen films are funny (1)

The Descendants - Alexander Payne best known as a director who can perfectly balance comedy with emotionally serious material. But it's the comedy part of the equation that rules out Payne..again... since Oscar voters are SOOO serious. (2)

The Help - The first Oscar contender where plot revolves going to the bathroom (2.5)

Moneyball - In real life being a statistician will get you a good job, but in Hollywood it doesn't get you golden prize or the hot chick (2.5)

Hugo - It's sort of like if Martin Scorsese directed a Pixar feature. Oh wait it is like Martin Scorsese directed a Pixar movie (3)

Warhorse - Two months ago I would have said this as the Best Picture, but if you're Steven Spielberg you're getting that queasy feeling that 1999 is about to happen all over again. You know where another war masterpiece Saving Private Ryan got eclipsed by a late surging indie flick Shakespeare In Love thanks to that undeserving hack Gwyneth (BLECCH) Paltrow..because now here comes....(3.5) 

The Artist - A silent movie that goes old school but wins votes because its storyline is based on something extremely rare in Hollywood these days...an original idea. Who knew? (4)

FUN BONUS: Since The Artist is a silent movie, I'm going to do an impression of the average West Virginia moviegoer's reaction to seeing it theaters:

'Hey Thelma Ray! Better move git yer beehind up and talk the manager I think something wrong 'cause the sound aint workin'. And shoot somethin wrong with the color too. It's black and white. And why they all dancin? When they gonna start blowing shit up?'

The Anti-Love Boat, Tim Tebow, and Move Over Las Vegas its Fargo!..North Dakota!

Were Going To Fargo, Baby! ....FARGO! - You may be surprised to learn that North Dakota actually has a Tourism department with the thankless job of trying to entice people to actually come to North Dakota. The dream is to have a plane full of tourists fly into Fargo which doesn't involve a emergency landing on its way to somewhere else. Below is their latest genius promotion. Look at it and let it sink in for a moment:

So let's say you are a strapping young lad with money to burn and wild oats to sow. Why waste your time in Las Vegas, Miami Beach, or New Orleans when you can go to Fargo, eh? Pretty much feel free to write your own caption below but my top favorites:

'And dude you wanted to go to Bismarck (high five)'

'So in No'rleans you throw beads to get chicks topless, so how's that work here?'

'The 4H Hokie Pokie? Were so there man!'

Who Knew...that Eli and not Peyton would be the Manning with the most Super Bowls? - With Giants' latest SB win, Eli has 2 Super Bowl rings to Peyton's 1. And to add insult to injury Eli won both over Peyton's arch-nemesis, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. Anyone else have a feeling Thanksgiving at the Mannings could get interesting when Peyton tries to pull the big brother card?

Who Knew...that Michele Williams and not Katie Holmes would be the breakout actress from Dawson's Creek? - When we first watched Dawson's Creek we always thought that Katie's spaced out , ineffectual performance was just her character. Evidently that was basically upper limit of her acting ability.

In American politics, There Actually Are Some Things Money Can't Buy - This past month on January 18th you may have noticed Wikipedia, along with a host of other social media sites went black for a day to protest SOPA or Stop Online Piracy Act, the latest in a string of really bad ideas to come from the US Congress. Under the law, say you decided to share the latest funny moment from The Office over Facebook (yes, I know The Office jumped the shark long ago, but hypothetically speaking work with me here) In essence the Gov't could order Facebook to shut down your account and you could be fined or face jail time, because you technically stole copyrighted material and pirated it over the Internet.

The more you learn the more the flaws in the law become obviously apparent. Like how could Facebook enforce it? how could Gov't enforce it? how would anyone actually know The Office was still on TV? etc. Which is why public outcry managed to drown out the millions of dollars major entertainment companies lavished on lawmakers to try to enact SOPA. After that blackout day, majority of Congresspeople who supported it quickly backtracked and the law is about as dead as Tori Spelling's career.

In response I'd like to propose for Congress the IDIOT Act. No acronyms, just an act that says lawmakers must actually understand technology before trying to pass laws to regulate it. During the blackout, many congresspeople who sponsored were outed as having violated their proposed law on their own social media pages. Besides I don't know about you but those FBI Warnings they put at front of DVD's put the fear of God into me if I ever thought about pirating the latest crap TV show so why would we need SOPA?

Breaking Health News: Its good to have blood in your fat stream - Paula Deen, the queen of buttah, announced she has Type II Diabetes. Here's where you insert your shocked face that someone could get Diabetes from high fat, greasy, fried cooking. Of course in true American fashion she decided to capitalize on it by teaming up with Pharmaceutical company NovoNordisk to be their celebrity spokesperson for a new line of Insulin products. In business terms it's a WIN-WIN. Paula Deen's fans gets Diabetes from her recipes and then need high priced Insulin products to treat it. For all you Business students this is what they call a revenue stream.

For The Love of God - I'm sure Tim Tebow is a nice guy and his deeply held Christian convictions are sincere. But having grown up in a generation where we watched holier than thou religious leaders proclaim to be living embodiment of Jesus only to fail spectacularly (regardless of whether Evangelicals ever took notice). So it's not I'm rooting for Tebow to fail so much as waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What I teach my kids about faith is that no one is perfect, we will always have moral lapses but that's OK. It's part of the process for gradually becoming a better person because faith is lifelong process of learning about yourself in relation to God. The danger is in thinking and proclaiming that you are perfect and you alone speak for Christ. Because then you are just setting yourself up for failure since God has a way of making fools out of those people (just ask Eugene Robinson or better yet Google 'Eugene Robinson+That Super Christian football player busted for prostitution night before Super Bowl 33+that football player who gave up the game winning TD in Super Bowl 33 presumably because he was distracted from his arrest the night before')....

....Because the only universal absolute I know is this - God does not care about the outcome of football games. Or beauty pageants. Or the Country Music Awards. Or the MTV Music Video awards. Or the winner of American Idol. I'd like to think God has more focus on helping refugees in a war zone reach safety than petty little contests whose outcome is only symbolic in nature. So can we stop thinking Tebow leading the Broncos to an 8-8 record and sneaking into the playoffs was caused by the divine hand of the Almighty. It was the Broncos' defense and special teams, duh!

Karma Really Is A Bitch - According to study in the Journal of Sexual Health from The Univ. of Maryland Medical Center, as many as 50% of penis fractures seen in their ER (A moment for men to reflex in pain) were happened to men while in the act of infidelity (A moment for women to laugh hysterically). Researchers theorize men in the act of cheating may be more under pressure therefore more likely to miss or accidentally hit something hard (well harder than it). Might explain the prolonged absence of Ashton Kutcher from the set of Two And Half Men.

It Was Sort of Like The Titanic...minus the romance, iceberg, or chivarly - When the Italian cruiseliner Costa Concordia got stranded on a sandbar on to the Tuscan coast, it helped ensure that the phrase 'Italian Maritime Safety' will become the hot, new comedic punchline of the year. In engineering theory, major system failures usually do not start from one big mistake but rather from a series of small mistakes that snowball into one big 'We're Sooo F***ed' moment exemplified below:

#1 The ship deliberately went off course so one of the crew members could wave to family onshore.

#2 Being so close to shore, the ship's captain Francesco Schettino should have been manning the bridge but was instead having dinner with a hot Russian passenger presumably in the pursuit of trying to get some.

#3 In American maritime law, cruise ships cannot leave port without conducting a lifeboat drill, just in case that 1 in million chance something goes wrong does come to fruition, crew and passengers know what to do. The Costa Concordia never had such drill because the crew apparently had other more important things to do like trying to score with hot Russian passengers.

#4 Without this instruction, the scene on-board after hitting the sandbar resembled one big Cluster F*** since no one knew where to evacuate safely. The crew having never been properly trained abided by the old maritime tradition of women and children first...it was every man for himself leaving stranded passengers to swim for shore on their own.

#5 Capt.Schettino gallantly stayed on-board til every passenger was safe...actually jumped in the first lifeboat and high-tailed it to shore. Leaving the Italian Coast Guard to have to run rescue procedures on-board.

#6 Someone forgot to put Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On' in the CD player to add the ambiance of the scene.

When politics becomes Cancerous - If you think about it cancer is the ultimate equal opportunist. It does not care if you are rich or poor,  it does not care if you are Liberal or Conservative, it does not care for which race you are or ethnicity you come from, it does not care for gender, geography, age, or religion. It also doesn't care if you have health insurance which is why it was disheartening to see The Susan B. Komen Foundation undo 20 years of goodwill with one bad mistake.

Last week Komen tried cutting off Planned Parenthood with funds to provide breast cancer screenings for low income women, it ultimately was revealed the reason were its Pro-Life Board members did not like that PP provides abortions. Technically as a man I should not care about the abortion debate but this exemplifies why I have such disdain for the Pro-Life movement. They place an almost cult-like stature to the human fetus, and the fact they were willing to sacrifice lives of grown human beings in the name of protecting a fetus regardless of the circumstances surrounding an abortion reveals a distorted pathology.

Now being Pro-Choice, I consider it sad when abortion occurs since so many couples who desperately want a child and can't have one would gladly adopt one. But every situation different so who can really judge except a woman and her doctor. A logical solution to reducing abortion seems to me is to reduce unwanted pregnancies but that's where the Pro-Life folks get really weird. They also tend to be anti-contraception and anti-sex education, which for me explains what they are really about. The Pro-Life movement has never been comfortable with women taking control of their sexuality and reproduction which makes Planned Parenthood for them the ultimate evil. Never mind only 3% of PP involve abortion with rest focused on giving uninsured women access to reproductive health care.

Oh And One Other Thing About Komen... - College students taking Public Relations 101 in the future will study from the Komen-Planned Parenthood fiasco that bad PR can grow exponentially in the age of the internet. Tax returns showed that Komen annually only gave 25% of its charitable proceeds to actual research in combating breast cancer with rest going to Administrative and Marketing costs. Really?

I'm not a non-profit guru but seems like that number should be reversed. Every October I gave money to Komen and wore pink to show support because with a wife and two daughters breast cancer may one day affect me. But if only a quarter of every dollar is going towards fighting breast cancer then why am I donating? Komen says the marketing portion was about raising awareness but breasts tend to raise awareness all by themselves, since women already have them and men like to look at them. Until Komen gets its shit together I won't be giving a dime.

The Proust Questionnaire (Shamelessly Stolen from Vanity Fair)

by Jason Neal

I'll never be famous or important enough to be asked by Vanity Fair to fill out their iconic Proust questionnaire. But doesen't mean I can't try:



What is your idea of perfect happiness: Sitting on a beach in Aruba with my wife and a bucket of Heineken


What is your greatest fear: Leaving for work one morning and never being able to come back home to my family like the victims in the World Trade Center.

What historical figure do you most identify with: Sir Winston Churchill


What trait do you most deplore in yourself: Timidity


What trait do you most deplore in Others: Arrogance


What is your greatest extravagance: Enjoying a good beer while smoking a cigar


What is your favorite journey: Back roads of Arizona


What do you consider the most overrated virtue: Piousness


Which living person do you most admire: Aung San Suu Kyi, Burmese Democratic Opposition Leader


Which living person do you most despise: Charles & David Koch, CEO's of Koch Industries and any 'Koch'sucker politician who takes their money.


On what occasion do you lie: Spare someones feelings or prevent a bad decision


What do you dislike about your appearance: When you have cleft lip its pretty obvious


Which words or phrases do you most overuse: I'll get to it later


What is your biggest regret: Not keeping in touch with friends from childhood


When and where are you most happiest: Quality time with family where all four of us are in a sublimely happy state which the outside world cannot interrupt.


Which talent would you most like to have: Comedic timing


What is current state of mind: Rushed bordering on edgy


If could change one thing about self what would it be: Normal looking upper lip


If could change about family what would it be: Parents both still alive


If you come back as anything, what would it be: A ghost in the White House


What is most treasured possession: Wedding bands from parents and grandparents


What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery: Being in a work meeting that has nothing to do with you on a busy day knowing its an hour of your life that you will, never, ever get back.


Where would you like to live: St.Ives, Cornwall in England


What is your favorite occupation: Social Worker


What quality you most like in a man: Integrity


What quality you most like in a woman: Humor


What do you most value in friends: Honesty


Who are your favorite authors: Irvine Welsh, Nick Hornby, Ken Kesey


What favorite hero of fiction: Atticus Finch


What favorite hero of real life: Morris Dees, Civil Rights lawyer, founder of the Southern Poverty Law Center and modern day Atticus Finch


What is it that you most dislike: The moneyed, corporate interests that have far too much influence in our political system.


How would you like to die: Peacefully, painlessly on a Cornish beach


What is your motto: 'Onward and Upward, Always'


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It's Your 2011 ROSSY AWARDS!!!

These awards originated out of my fraternity from college, and celebrated all of our best (or worst) moments drunkenness, debauchery, and just plain moments of stupidity. Today we're grown up and so to have The Rossys as we celebrate the best in salacious achievements throughout the World!


The Happy Hour Lasted An Hour Too Long Award - A inebriated Arizona Cardinals fan in Phoenix decided to celebrate a rare victory by masturbating in a motel parking lot. When confronted by police, said fan responded by inviting them 'To Come Get Some'. Instead Police invited him to get some at the Maricopa County jail where there were probably others in his condition more willing to take his offer.

Best Moment of Law Enforcement Not Featured on TV Show Cops - A woman in Gurnee,IL was arrested for assaulting an officer with a dildo after a traffic stop. Sadly no video exists of said assault but when asked by Prosecutors to describe the weapon, officers noted the weapon in their police report as a 'clear, rigid, feminine, pleasure device'

The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence: Field Trip Category - Eighth grade students from Berwick, PA who took a trip to the Baltimore Aquarium got an extra special treat for lunch: Hooters! Known as the place for wings, beer, and uh other things, where undoubtedly boys had no complaints and girls could determine how far along they were in training bras. When parents complained the local school board defended the lunch as providing well rounded education (unsure if pun was intended). But on the plus side there was increase in fathers volunteering to chaperon on next year's trip.

The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence: The Improved Literacy Category - First graders at Emerson Elementary School near Los Angeles as a part of a 'Reading Is Fun' campaign got a special treat as a celebrity read to them in class. Not just any celebrity but porn star Sasha Grey, 2010 AVN winner (The Oscars of Porn) for Best Anal Sex scene. Reportedly Grey enjoyed the experience since most porn scripts are written only at a elementary reading level though many parents were not amused. Luckily for school admins the furor died down quickly when offended parents were asked 'If you don't watch porn than how do you know Sasha Grey?' An awkward silence usually followed from the Dads then typically responding 'Well, on second thought what harm is there in learning reading'

Best Impersonation of Cop by A Transsexual Hooker - Police in Baltimore, MD received several reports of motorists being pulled over and having their licenses taken by a man impersonating a cop...while dressed as a woman...with a blond wig...wearing long, knee high leather boots...and fishnet stockings. To date him (or her) has not been found, nor have any of the licenses have been recovered. However some male victims reported they were stunned but not completely turned-off, and found the whole situation strangely curious.

The Fly The Friendly Skies Award: Celebrity Category - French actor Gerard Depardieu was kicked off an Air France flight from Paris to Dublin for urinating on the floor of First Class shortly after takeoff. After being refused use of a lavatory, Depardieu protested by relieving the contents of the complimentary champagne in front of the stewardesses. We are fairly certain somewhere in America a braindead local news anchor reporting the story made the obvious pun 'First Class clearly isn't what it used to be, Haha...now onto Weather...'

The Fly The Friendly Skies Award: Disgruntled Employee Category - Passengers aboard an overnight Virgin Atlantic flight from Orlando, FL to Glasgow, Scotland received a warm, friendly wake-up call of 'Good morning, you cunts!' Allegedly, the message was intended for crew but accidentally went out to the whole plane. However seeing as most of the passengers were Scottish, the c-word may be have been taken as a term of endearment.

Best Fight: Non-Drinking Category - Police in the village of Xuzhou in the Jiangsu province of China were called to break up a melee among 200 villagers resulting from a local father using strippers as entertainment for his son's wedding. According to eyewitness reports men initially were fighting to get a better look at the show, but when wives arrived the reason switched to 'Were shocked, shocked to find nude dancing here' and the brawl escalated form there.


Best Fight: Drinking Category - A Thanksgiving dinner in Racine, WI turned sour when the 23-year boyfriend of the host was arrested for threatening another guest with a butcher knife after they took his favorite seat at the dinner table. Allegedly adding to the comedic aspect was the perpetrator being 5'3" tall and the guest being over 6'0" and able hold attacker at bay with simply having long arms.


Best Riot Not Involving European Soccer Fans or a Chuck E Cheese - In Greece, fans of Panathininaikos BC celebrated a European Basketball League playoff victory over Barcelona by setting fire to their own arena. In response to the incident FIBA the basketball governing authority said typical arena party songs 'The Roof Is On Fire' and 'Burning Down The House' would no longer be played. In a related sports note, Panathinaikos BC would go on to win the European Basketball Championship which represented another championship that Lebron James and Miami Heat did not win.


The Cheech and Chong Award - Rhode Island State Assemblyman Robert Watson this Spring was arrested for DUI and pot possession after being stopped at a DUI checkpoint. What clinched the Rossy for Rep. Watson was days earlier while criticizing the State's Legislature, he was quoted saying Rhode Island would become a great place for 'A Gay Guatemalan who likes to gamble and smoke marijuana'. Political analysts noted the bizarre nature of the incident noting Sen. Watson was neither gay, nor Guatemalan, nor had any history of gambling.


The Ethics In New Jersey Politics Award - Jersey City councilman Steven Lipski was arrested for urinating from the balcony of Washington D.C. music club onto patrons below listening to a Phish cover band. Luckily for the councilman, there were no serious repercussions since most people agree that A) music from Phish in general sucks and B) anyone who would pay money to see a Phish cover band probably deserves to be urinated on.


Best Use of Prostitution - A Physics professor named David Flory at Fairleigh-Dickinson University in New Jersey was fired for his creative way to supplement his teaching income consisting of running a brothel out of his New Mexico vacation home. Colleagues became suspicious when good professor started showing up to his lectures wearing gold chains, walking around with a cane, and telling students 'Bitch better have my term paper'.


Best Combination of Prostitution and/or Illegal Drugs - Many civic minded groups often face the challenge for fundraising. But one Mummer's group in Philadelphia found an very profitable method to raise funds for their float in the annual New Year's parade...a cocaine and hookers party!


Philly Police sent undercover cops to investigate whether the Downtown Fancy Brigade, a Mummer's group was selling liquor without a license in their clubhouse and found out they were selling more...much more. It what could only be described as The Shriners meet Scarface, the end result were arrests of 10 prostitutes, 15 johns, a gun, and enough cocaine to fuel Lindsay Lohan for a week. And the brigade's Treasurer there to make sure they got a cut of the action. No word if The 4H Club were planning on adding some new elements to their annual Country Line Dance hoedown.

Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - A 34 year old in Vermont man was arrested for vandalizing his ex-girlfriend's car, but what caught the Rossy committee's attention was the part where he misspelled the word 'Slut' on the hood. The suspect was arrested by Police, while being questioned,when they asked him to spell out 'Slut' which he then wrote as 'Sult', same spelling as was spray-painted on the car.


The Gordon Ramsey Award for Best Restaurant Moment - The Chili's Southwestern Chicken can come in spicy flavor but one women eating at their Albuquerque, NM restaurant really got spicy when she pierced her tongue with a needle. Around that same moment in the kitchen a line cook was saying 'Hey Man, I got to divvy up this marijuana for sale after my shift, anyone seen my hairpin I normally use to roll joints? I left it by the chicken...Oh, (Bleep)!'


After that experience, Chili's figured a $50 dinner coupon probably wasn't enough to make up for needing a Tetanus shot and the woman's lawyers agreed as they presumably paid a large sum of money for her to eat at TGIFridays from now on.


The Charlie Sheen Award for Epic Achievement In Partying - From an anonymous forwarded e-mail detailing how a mid, 20-something aged male working in a large business firm in Chicago decided to regale his co-workers with his adventures the previous evening. His story detailed the following:

- How trashed he got at company softball game
- Afterward,at the bar he got into a altercation with a teammate when he made unwanted advances to that person's girlfriend
- Tells how lucky he was not to get a DUI driving around Chicago later that night trolling for hookers.
- Woke up next morning covered in his own puke
- Came into work late and was probably still drunk


Said employee detailed all of this in an e-mail....sent to the entire company. Reportedly shortly afterward this employee was summoned to Human Relations and subsequently never heard from again. Whoever you are Mr.'Because Thats How I Roll' the Rossy committee salutes you.


The LeBron James Flaming Asshole of the Year Award - Alasdair Thompson, CEO of the Employers and Manufacturers Association of New Zealand in a morning radio interview blamed women for low productivity and higher cost citing menstruation and child birth: "Because you know, once a month they have sick problem. Not all women, but some do. They have children and they have to take leave off"


Thompson barely made it to that afternoon before having to quickly apologize but similar to a carload of baby shit being thrown into a large Industrial fan, the damage was done and he was out of a job. Although Thompson did not say so publicly, we are pretty certain he would be in favor women giving birth if child slave labor was legal.


The Karma Is A Bitch Award sponsored by Chick Fil'A - A man in Delano, CA who was participating in an illegal cockfight died after...wait for it.....accidentally being stabbed in throat by his Rooster. No really you are allowed laugh at this.


The 2011 Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee - A man in Connecticut was arrested for insurance fraud, identity theft, and a litany of other charges after posing as a severely brain damaged patient so home health nurses would come to his house and care for him. The payoff for this gentleman particularly was the part where they would clean up after he made a dooty....because he had a Infantalism fetish. Unfortunately the gig was up when a nurse who came early caught him walking around, smoking a cigarette, sans adult diaper. The Rossy Committee suggests to Mr.Brain Freeze-Poopy Pants that surely there must have been a Craiglist section for that kinda of thing. And willing participants probably come cheaper than a home health aide, too!

The 2011 Rossy Lifetime Achievement Award - In times of great uncertainty, there have been great orators who encapsulated the wisdom needed to persevere. Whether it was the American Civil War (Abraham Lincoln and The Gettysburg Address), Darkest Days of WWII ('We shall never give up, We shall never surrender' from Winston Churchill), or crossroads of the Civil Rights Movement (Martin Luther King and his 'I Have a Dream' speech)


For these troubled times of 2011, with economic turmoil in Europe, political upheaval in the Mideast, and America having a crisis of confidence. The Rossy committee could find strength and comfort in the wisdom of one Carlos Estevez aka Charlie Sheen. From his interview on ABC News which will one day be engraved in stone:




'I'm on a drug and it's called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available, because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, “Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!” …


I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, had to unload 22 years of fiction … the fiction of A.A. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning.


I’m dealing with fools and trolls. They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives, and then they look at me and they say, “I can’t process it.” Well, no, you never will. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.'


So to summarize the 2011 Rossy Awards: WINNING!



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My Unnecessary Guide To the 2012 Republican Presidential Primaries

Warning: The following has been satirized for your protection. Photos courtesy of Wonkette



Since the Washington Post political reporting is staffed by a bunch of idiots, Fox News are bunch of corporate shills, and NYT's Maureen Dowd is an overrated hack. I thought I would bring you the only political analysis of the Republican Presidential Primary that really matters. Otherwise known as I read political blogs so you don't have to.


Here I evaluate each candidate rating their threat to Obama in Joe Biden BFD units (Big Fuckin Deal). This score ranges from 4 (Causes Obama to get gray hairs and need a cigarette) to 0 (Obama can start making plans for his Second Term Inauguration).


The Corporate Establishment Bracket


Mitt Romney

Romney surveys his fiefdom

You might know him as - Former Governor of Massachusetts


Strengths - Republicans like their nominees to look 'presidential' and Romney looks like he came straight from central casting for the part. Essentially the man bankers are counting on to keep the Bush tax cuts going.


Weaknesses - Has managed to take both sides of every issue at some point in his political career depending upon which way the wind blows. Also he created universal health care reform in Massachusetts which looks oddly similar to the one Obama instituted.


BFD Meter - 4


Jon Huntsman

That's Huntsman with an H not C

You might know him as - Former Governor of Utah and US Ambassador to China

Strengths - Moderate with ability to raise conservative talking points without scaring the off Independent voters. Has good hair, Also his daughters are hot which should excite Maxim readers (see below).




Sadly reporters were more interested in his daughters


Weaknesses - His moderate tone probably won't play well with the typical evangelical, Southern conservative who like their politics deep-fried. Neither will his stint as Ambassador to China where he was appointed by...Obama


BFD Meter - 2


Newt Gingrich


Asshat sold separately


You might know him as - Former Speaker of the House of Representatives, History professor, Bill Clinton's arch-nemesis, professional asshole

Strengths - The ultimate shape-shifter. A politician who can survive in just about any political landscape. Can raise money from Wall Streeters in the one day and spend it posing as a fire breathing populist to the Tea Party in the next.

Weaknesses - Never met a microphone he didn't like which leads to a daily helping of him looking like gasbag. Thus as voters get to know him the less they tend to like him. His serial adultery won't play well with the Born Again Christian crowd.


BFD Meter - 2.5




The Tea Party/Religious Right Bracket (aka The people clinging to their guns and religion)


Rick Perry



Clearly compensating for something

  You might know him as - Current Governor of Texas


Strengths - Can bring the Southern good ol' boy charm along with the good hair and rap that speaks to the NASCAR race fan voting bloc. Has managed irritate Karl Rove which gives him Anti-Establishment cred that Tea Partyers crave.

Weaknesses - 'There are three departments that I will cut as President: Education, Commerce, and uh...uh....umm....(90 seconds later)...uh..Oooops..can't think of the third'
Nothing like having a brain fart on Nationally televised debate.


BFD Meter - 2


Michele Bachmann




I'm crazy like a fox...or just crazy

 You might know her as - Current Congresswoman from Minnesota


Strengths - Went Tea Party before it was cool to go Tea Party among GOP power players. While some dismiss her as crank, may have have Machiavellian instincts to dial up just enough crazy to appeal to the Far Right but stay under the mainstream media's radar.


Weaknesses - May actually be batshit crazy. Seems to have problem reconciling some her claims to anything resembling reality.


BFD Meter - 1


Rick Santorum




She googles 'Santorum'

 You might know him as - Former US Senator from Pennsylvania


Strengths - The Religious Right's preferred candidate after publicly stating he would outlaw Abortion and thinks all contraceptives should be banned which secretly gets Pat Robertson aroused.


Weaknesses - Google 'Santorum'...seriously...do it...no really...you've got try it!


BFD Meter - 1




The Libertarian Bracket (aka Conservatives who like to smoke weed and watch South Park)


Ron Paul




Paul and his freedom loving, tax hating groupies

You might know him as - Current Congressman from Texas

Strengths - Quite possibly the only man in Washington who actually says AND does what he believes. Has been the only Republican to voice concerns about War on Terror infringing on civil liberties.


Weaknesses - As patron saint of the Ayn Rand crowd is not afraid to say he would dismantle Medicare and Social Security which considering retired voters are major voting bloc means he has a snowball's chance in Hell in a general election. Karl Rove would burn down the GOP convention before allowing Paul to get the party's nomination.


BFD Meter - 2


Gary Johnson


You might know him as - Former Governor of New Mexico


Strengths - Popular governor in a largely Democratic state and possibly only Governor to ever sport a pony tail. Bears a strong resemblance to 'The Dude' in the Big Lebowski


Weaknesses - Wants to legalize marijuana and reform immigration which puts him squarely against the law and order crowd.


BFD Meter - 1




The Not.Gonna.Happen.Ever Bracket (BFD Meter for each name below sums up to 0 POINT 0)


Buddy Roemer




You might know him as - Former Congressman and Governor of Louisiana


Strengths - Served both State and Federal level.....


Weaknesses - Served both State and Federal level...as a Democrat in the 80's


Thaddeus McCodder


You might know him as - You probably don't but Current Congressman from Michigan


Strengths - Thaddeus who?


Weaknesses - see above


Fred Karger


You might know him as - You almost certainly never have but he was political consultant if you really need to know


Strengths - First openly gay politician to run for President


Weaknesses - First openly gay politician to run for President...for the GOP nomination...in a party that virulently anti-Gay. Good luck with that sir.


Gone but not forgotten:
Herman Cain (His endorsement could be key)


Gone and very much forgotten:
Sarah Palin
Tim Pawlenty


And the WINNER of the GOP Primary will be: Mitt Romney! Gingrich and Perry split the Religious Right/Tea Party/Batshit Crazy voters who make up the Anyone but Romney contingent which provides Mittens the opening he needs pass through to the Winner's circle. Ron Paul continues his Don Quixote'esque quest for the Presidency which ends up like a cult TV show: has rabid, cult following but falls far short in terms of actual votes and ends up cancelled.


And the WINNER of the 2012 Presidential election will be: TOSS UP! Essentially a replay of 2004 where a vulnerable incumbent faces a flawed challenger. Whoever wins it will be a 51-49 split.


Forget Meet The Press since David Gregory is an absolute tool...because THIS could be the key to deciding the 2012 race: The dark horse for running mate would be Marco Rubio, US Senator from Florida. A Romney/Rubio combo would peel away two big voting groups Obama would need: white college educated professionals and Hispanics.











Black Friday Madness, Insane Clown Posse, and Belguim = Anarchists' Paradise

by Jason Neal

From The Annals of Chutzpah - In an attempt to clear their good names and protect whatever is left of their once grand fortune. The Non-indicted members of the Madoff family (so far) have written a tell-all arguing they knew nothing of Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme, that essentially boils down to: 'Even though we had no idea where the $2 Billion came from, we just cashed the checks and assumed he got it waiting tables or something'.

Legal analysts when asked if this strategy would work replied 'Uh good luck with that.' So best strategy for the Madoffs is to change their name, go to some faraway country, and just disappear. Because there is a reason you never meet anybody with the last name of Ponzi anymore.

The latest Terror Threat To America - Juggalos, the self-described fan base of the rap duo Insane Clown Posse (see photo) who may or not may be some post-modernist, absurdist comedy act were labeled a gang by the FBI. But lest Juggalos get confused for Bloods, Crips, or Hell's Angels, loitering in the parking lot of the local 7-11, while wearing facepaint and drinking Diet Faygo would not exactly be construed by prison lifers as 'hard core'

Look out middle America, it's your worst nightmare

NBA Lockout Avoided - Thankfully only about 15 games of a 82 regular season had to be cancelled (and you thought NASCAR dragged on forever). This will undoubtedly spare the most vulnerable and I speak of the entourages of the players of course. Those unsung heroes who make sure the Escalade is ready for that 2:30am ride to the strip club and there are enough dollar bills to make it rain. And you can really blowout your thumbs handling haters on a players Twitter account.

America Is Now Officially China's Bitch - The US Military backed out of a deal to sell Taiwan several fighter jets, officially saying it did not want to escalate tensions between China and Taiwan whom China considers a renegade province and gets miffed when Taiwan's dogs poops on it's yard. In reality its because US is so indebted to China that all the Beijing has to do to destroy America is call in the debt. So Taiwan, it was nice knowing you.

Belgium: The Hot New Destination for Anarchists - From April 2010 through December 2011, Belgium was officially without a government after its Parliament could not produce a ruling majority marking a European record for longest period without a government. No economic collapse, or chaos or societal breakdown were reported. Just Belgians carrying on at what they do best namely drinking beer, making chocolate, and holding a 200 year old grudge with the French. Many people wonder if the US would prosper without central Gov't but that's pure hogwash. Because corporate lobbyists would be out of a job.

Oil Isn't the only natural resource about to run out - Remember when coffee cost a nickel? In the near future we may be saying 'Remember when coffee only cost $20?' Thanks in part to the rapid growing middle class in the developing World who have formed an insatiable demand for coffee. And global warming where new research from the International Centre for Tropical Agriculture warned it would become too hot to grow coffee in many the world's main producers like Ghana and Ivory Coast by 2050.


So that Cup O' Joe may end up being called Cup O' MY God, You Want Me To Pay What?

Does It Actually Pay To Be Nice? - According to Guido Heineck of the Inst. for Employment Research the answer is No. His study published in Industrial and Labor Relations Review he found a negative relationship between earnings and agreeableness. So in other words the bigger asshole you are, the more likely you are to make more than your co-workers. But also presumably there is a negative relationship between being a prick and odds of being invited to happy hour.

...which probably explains Wall Street Bankers' Success - Traders on Wall Street boycotted Mario Batali's restaurant Babbo in New York's financial district after he likened them to Stalin or Hitler. One unnamed trader complained to Wall Street Journal 'I can't believe I just spent $4,000 there the other night' which highlights why Occupy Wall Street exists. How many Americans in this economy can afford to drop $4,000 on a restaurant tab for trendy Italian food? And Wall Streeters wonder why the other 99% hate them.

You Go Girl! - Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback got owned by a high school senior in what quite possibly is the most pathetic display of power in American politics. After 18 year-old Emma Sullivan trashed Gov.Douchebag Brownback via Twitter, aids to Brownback who saw the tweet tattled to her high school principal who demanded Sullivan write an apology. But Sullivan refused reminding said Principal that First Amendment rights of US Constitution still apply to teenagers and took to the web to call out the Governor as a whining, crying, little bitch which goes viral and Brownback is forced to actually apologize to Sullivan. That kids is how you take on oversensitive, hypocritical, blowhard politicians.

So Much for All That - Herman Cain, millionaire, former CEO of God Awful urr Godfather's pizza and a straight up playa' quit his Presidential campaign after allegations of sexual harassment and adultery. In defense of Cain on two fronts, first I'm sure in the pizza business there is legitimate use of the phrase 'Hey Baby, would you like some hot sausage in your pie'. Second, carrying on an affair for 13 years is still longer than any monogamous relationship Newt Gingrich ever had.

NEW RULE - If you pepper spray other people waiting in line at Wal-Mart or step over a dying elderly man to get last $9.99 DVD player during Black Friday you are officially insane - I know they call it Black Friday Madness but really that's just an expression. The sudden disappearance of tanning beds from the Jersey Shore probably would not elicit as much hysteria. Because technically Christmas is about the birth of Jesus and if he were here he would tell everyone waiting for Target to open at midnight to calm the fuck down.






.

Song of the South, Occupy Wall Street, and Why Conspiracies Are So Hard

By Jason Neal

NOT Coming Soon to a Theater Near You - As part of their latest parental extortion scheme, Disney over the course of the next few years will be opening the vault to all their hits for limited engagements via 3D. But don't expect 'Song of the South' coming around anytime soon ....or ever. Because remember reading about those good old, halcyon days right after the Civil War where the South was bastion for racial peace and equality? Neither did anyone else. Which is why Disney wishes it could magically make every VHS tape of it still out there disappear like The Jonas Brothers.

The 1946 live action/animation film set in the Reconstruction Era of the South where an elderly Black sharecropper Uncle Remus regales small children and animated furry animals with stories of Southern folklore. While most famous for its Oscar winning song 'Zippity Doo Daa', its also noted for its cringe inducing effect caused by its racial stereotypes and slave/master overtone that managed to be blissfully ignorant of history making it the SECOND most politically incorrect movie of all time.

FUN BONUS FACT: You'll notice I said 'Song of the South' was the SECOND most politically incorrect movie of all time. That honor goes to the 1971 film 'The Day the Clown Cried' a fun, whimsical Holocaust tale starring Jerry Lewis as a concentration camp political prisoner forced dress as a clown to be a pied piper for Jewish children and lead them to their deaths in a gas chamber. Worst part was how the movie was going to be marketed as a dark comedy (I'm not kidding). Not surprisingly the producer after seeing finished result immediately canceled its release and ordered all reels and negatives destroyed. Looking back it probably saved Jerry Lewis' career so his awkward performances are reserved for his lounge act.

Casual Sex? Yeah there's an app for that!  - Based off the popular gay app Grindr, now comes Blendr for heterosexuals which shows the GPS location of anyone in your immediate area looking for sex at that very precise moment. So say it's lunchtime and your looking for a little 'somethin,somethin'. Click on the green dot to message whomever and assuming they have (choose one) no standards/addiction to crack/zero impulse control...bada bing....you're back a work...with hopefully no need for Anti-Viral medication. It's like a McDonald's drive thru for nymphomaniacs.

US Congress, only slightly more popular than Penis Cancer - According to Gallup, the approval rating for Congress stands at a meteoric 12%. The real question here is who are those 12% of people who actually think this current crop of lawmakers is doing a good job. Seriously did they poll mental wards and retirement homes?

Permission Granted to Serve Fabulously - Do Not Ask, Do Not Tell was officially phased out allowing gay and lesbians to serve in the military openly. Also as we approach the 10 year anniversary of gay marriage slowly becoming legal, a helpful guide of what has transpired thus far:
Funny how civilized society hasn't collapsed

Not that Steve Jobs needs any more eulogizing, but... - Did you know the Apple IIe computer helped end the Cold War? In December 1988 Soviet Premiere Mikhail Gorbachev came to New York City for a summit with President Reagan and newly elected Bush the Senior. Legend has it all three visited a elementary school in Harlem where Gorbachev was given a tutorial on how to use a personal computer...by an 8 year old. So stunned was Gorbachev by the ease of which a kid could learn new information from this revolutionary machine, he suddenly realized his country had nothing technologically of that magnitude. And for any hope of Russia to compete with the West things back home were going to have to change. Thus it was at that moment the seeds of Soviet Union's demise were sown.

But Seriously, Steve Jobs doesen't need anymore eulogizing - While I believe Jobs belongs in the pantheon of Edison, The Wright Bros, and Galileo. Let's not get carried away because was still a human after all. Which is a polite way of saying Jobs could be sort of a prick. The reason I never became Apple fanboy was all of those shiny new devices were made in nearly slave labor like conditions in China. So while his vision of personal computing liberated many, it also trapped others. Plus people who worked him said he had a mean streak the size of Haley's comet.

Wherein I examine the most pressing question of the Amanda Knox Trial -With Amanda Knox acquitted by a Italian Supreme Court for allegedly going OJ on her college roommate while as an exchange student in the country. The biggest unanswered question surrounding her case is not about the dysfunctional Italian legal system or even if she did it. For men at least it's would you...like...you know...do her?

To assess this question we'll utilize a scientific method called 'Rachael Ray Units'. This is the measurement of how many alcoholic beverages would you need to consume for TV host Rachael Ray to become attractive or in this case Knox. For Amanda Knox the results are 6.2 (as in needing 6 beers and 2 shots) which puts her in Sarah Jessica Parker territory.

Quite possibly the Greatest Waste of Time..EVER - A website called http://blackboardsinporn.blogspot.com/ is devoted to evaluating the content written on blackboards in porn scenes using the typical student-teacher scenario. No actual nudity or sex shown so it's SFW. Just grading whether what's on the blackboard is correct. God Bless America!

Why Conspiracies Are Hard To Pull-Off - A statistical theory from entsophy shows a formula for why:    

To see the real reason, one must understand the central tension of a ringleader.  If you increase the number of conspirators for greater effectiveness, you also increase the chance of failure.  Moreover, effectiveness increases slowly as you add conspirators but the chance of failure increases rapidly.
This can be formulated in a model.  Let n be the number of conspirators and let p= probability that a single conspirator will not cause failure, either through disloyalty or incompetence.  Then
   
Chance of Success = p(n)
Effectiveness = An

Or in other words the more number of conspirators, the higher chance of relying on someone who is a complete dipshit or someone who cannot keep their mouth shut. Which is why I never really believe conspiracy theories involving our Gov't since that would require immense cooperation and sophistication among large bureaucracies without a single person screwing it up or blabbing about it. If you've gone through airport security lately you know this is not possible.

But some Conspiracies Succeed Splendidly - What if I told you that there was secret organization made up of powerful Billionaires and corporations who conspire with key politicians to influence and pass laws in all 50 State Legislatures across the country. You'd would say I should be fitted for tin-foil hat, right?

Let me introduce you to ALEC or American Legislative Exchange Council. A seemingly benign sounding organization but directly responsible for a large volume of legislation in Statehouses across the country all of which is aimed at benefiting large corporations. Founded more than 20 years ago by the various moneyed interests of this country who decided it easier to influence laws they wanted at the State level which often go unnoticed as opposed to the Federal level. So in exchange for upwards of a $25,000 membership fee (otherwise you have to call it a bribe), corporate donors can introduce laws they want enacted to legislators from all 50 states at one time. Then politicians take the proposed legislation back home and introduce it as their own idea and in return are rewarded with nice, fat campaign donations in doing their master's bidding. And thanks to Supreme Court case Citizens United vs. Federal Election Commission which now allows unlimited corporate donations its pretty sweet investment for America's economic royalty.

Here's a sampling of how it works. Do you think it's coincidence that stripping collective bargaining rights for Public employees were introduced in Wisconsin, Ohio, and Tennessee almost all in the same month? Of course not, it came from ALEC. Why? So the For-Profit Education Industry can begin the process of taking over Public Education without the interference from those pesky teacher unions. But since this organization is technically not breaking the law the real conspiracy is why isn't the media covering this?

Some investment advice to the Wall Street Bankers: 'Be Afraid....Be Very Afraid' - I have no idea whether The Occupy Wall Street will lead to much needed financial reforms. But it has already accomplished the one thing the Financial Barons fear the most. Remember the film 'Beetlejuice' where the title character can't make materialize to wreak havoc unless you say his name three times? The Beetlejuice for Economic Ruling Class is when Americans start paying attention to three little words..Growing.Income Inequality...Which OWP just rocketed into the spotlight.

One little chart pretty much sums up the past 30 years, where rich got richer mostly at the expense of the Working and Middle Class. Though no one in the other 99% really noticed because our stagnated wages were masked the influx of cheap credit, 'affordable' housing, and consumer items made by cheap labor elsewhere. Plus we always seemed to be divided by petty grievances like Race, The Culture Wars, etc while preoccupied by absurdities in Popular Culture to really notice that Wall Street's insatiable need for higher and higher profits resulted in jobs moving overseas and evaporation of the American Dream for those who still had jobs.

But this recession has brought things into sharp focus because it was created by Wall Street's greed and whose benefactors collectively have suffered nothing as a result of it. And I have a feeling the old red herring of 'class warfare'' and 'socialism' often levied by the 1% and their enablers at Fox News just aren't going to work this time. The Trickle Down Theory that savings the rich get from low taxes will eventually 'trickle down' to the rest of us which formed basis of US economic policy since 1980 simply hasn't happened. If the ruling class think they can get away telling the nation to accept steep budget cuts, high unemployment, diminished social safety net while they get lower taxes. Then they snorted way too much cocaine with high priced hooker last night.