Like my comedy hero Bill Maher I feel the need about this time every year to spout off on what I think should be new rules....
NEW RULE #1 If your coffee needs a whole lotta choca/latte/sugar/whip cream/mocha/artificial flavoring,etc than it's probably not good coffee
My wife once worked at a food distribution company and learned the deep, dark secret to Starbucks. Their coffee is awful. Like low grade, bottom of the barrel awful because they've spread so far around to every corner of the globe it needs cheap coffee beans to fill the supply chain. So to cover up the flavor they added all those little extras that turn an ordinary cup of coffee into dessert flavored calorie bomb.
Every day in the city when walking to work, I walk straight past the hordes of hipsters waiting in line at Starbucks and opt for Dunkin Donuts. To me a good coffee doesn't need all those extras other than a little cream and sugar. A good cup of coffee says love me for who I'am and don't turn me into some superficial creation where you don't recognize me. Besides if your that guy who insists on a latte using only milk from goats bred in the Andes, with a dash of hazelnut grown from a rare orchard in Turkey, using only coffee beans that were hand picked by the noble African pigme tribe. If you are THAT guy, you're pretty much announcing to everyone you're pretentious douchebag.
NEW RULE #2 - The Abercrombie & Fitch CEO needs to be cast as the new Hannibal Lector
With all due respect actor Mads Mikkelson, the title role of Hannibal really belongs to Mike Jeffries, CEO of Abercrombie and
Instead let's focus on how creepy this guy is with his infatuation with pretty, young things. And that face. The kind of face that can only come from an obsession with plastic surgery. The kind of face that may have been made from someone else's face. The kind the killer in Silence of thee Lambs would harvest from those strapping young models used in A&F catalogs possibly kept in a dungeon with Jeffries at the top saying 'It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again' Or casually mentioning in conversation 'an associate once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti'.
NEW RULE #3 AJ Clemente deserves a Do-Over.
Fresh out of the university of West Virginia school of communications, AJ was set for his very first appearance as a newscaster in Bismarck, North Dakota. Then in one of the alltime instances of crapping the bed, he introduced himself to the 5:00pm audience by uttering 'Fucking, shit' into his microphone. The next day he was fired and the station forced to issue an apology.
But why? In new jobs we've all had first day jitters and screwed things up. He accidentally uttered a profanity on-air. So what? It's not like he showed his junk, wore a Nazi uniform, or referred to his female co-anchor as Tits McGhee. It happens all the time. It's what real people do. At what point do we stop with pearl clutching and gasping when someone utters profanity. If anything the station could get all sorts of publicity and ratings boost by letting AJ acknowledge the mistake, apologize, and moving on with the day's other news.
Just You Tube 'News broadcast FAIL' and you'll find examples far worse. To understand how benign this incident was, Goggle weatherman Tex Antoine to find out why his 1976 New York WABC broadcast is the benchmark that all broadcast FAILS will be judged. I mean fuckin, shit!
NEW RULE #4 If Hollywood insists on making every comic book into a movie, then Wonder Woman needs to be a priority
Since the appetite for comic book movie adaptations seems unstoppable, then let's get straight to the only adaptation that really matters. Of course I speak of Wonder Woman where rumors persist of casting Megan Fox in the lead role. Can you imagine her in that outfit and getting roped in by that lasso of truth. What man would not want to see that on the big screen...and my God in glorious 3-D no less...umm....uh oh, was I thinking out loud? Hold on let me wipe this drool from over my chin.
NEW RULE #5 Football star Mante Te'o deserves a break from all the ridicule
His girlfriend may not have been real but I'm sure the love he felt for her was real. Along with orgasms he had while masturbating to her over the phone.
NEW RULE #6 If first graders learning math need to double-check their work, than so do Harvard economists
You may not know Carmen Reinhart or Kenneth Rogoff, two renowned
There was one small problem however. Namely the results were based on a mistake on their Excel sheet calculations. If Reinhart, Rogoff or the indentured servants they call graduate research assistants had double checked their spreadsheet, they would have noticed they forgot to drag down their key formula by five spaces. A grad student named Thomas Herndon from UMass-Amherst (a public university, how poetic) noticed this when he tried to replicate the results for an assignment. When Herndon and his professors corrected the mistake, the revised results show modernized countries actually grew their economies by 2.2% when temporarily increasing spending to ease a recession.
There are two economic theories that have held true over time: #1 In an economic downturn Gov't spending can jumpstart an economy by stimulating the private sector with public projects. #2 Its not a good idea to cut social safety nets during recessions because that's when people for a short-term basis will need them the most. So if anyone out there who needed unemployment insurance but could not get it or saw their kids class size double because of school cuts, Reinhart and Rogoff would like you to know that hey 'Ooops. our bad'
NEW RULE #7 Steubenville High School in Ohio needs fire it's head football coach
Just for reference if your a 3-time State Championship winning coach who when given the evidence of a gang rape perpetrated by some of your players, the correct response is somewhere along the lines of 'Call the police','Is the victim Ok? Does she need help', or 'Whoever has knowledge needs to come forward'. Preferably not ''Delete that off YouTube' as the instructions he texted to his players.
Among many of the reasons the two players tried and convicted never considered rape to be a real crime is because Reno Saccoccia, head coach of Steubenville Big Red was so revered in the town that his team was considered untouchable. Coaches are supposed to leaders of men and examples of character, not enablers of criminal behavior and facilitating a cover-up of rape. To explain how this guy gets an contract extension instead of being fired you need to understand the town. Growing up in Ohio, Steubenville had a reputation as a violent, corrupt, broken steel town where football was king since everyone in town was either drunk, unemployed or usually both. Thanks to coach Saccoccia it's reputation is now as a hemorrhoid festering in the rectum of America.
NEW RULE #8 Wall Street firms eager top pitch me on retirement investing need to clarify how the stock market is any different from gambling
Every time I open my retirement statement it's often with a cringe and/or need a for a stiff tall drink. If I had the time and money I'd do an experiment of comparing my financial adviser to the performance of a monkey randomly throwing its feces at a list of potential stocks.
I'm part of what appears to be ever increasingly screwed Generation X whose main contribution to America will be cleaning up the mess Baby Boomers left behind. We were told college real important but getting too expensive so go ahead and borrow that tuition money. When the student loans were finally paid off in our late 20's Gen X was told to invest in 401K's because pensions and Social security are like for 'old' people. And in our 30's when time to start a family we were told buy a home because it's the rock solid investment that never goes down in value (take a moment for irony). All of these ideas emanated from one way or another from Marketing by financial cartels on Wall Street. And how has that worked out for everybody?
According to BuinessInsider, Gen X collectively on average lost over $33,000 in net worth during the 2008 Wall Street crack-up, housing collapse, and stagnated job growth. So the next time a financial adviser wants to convince me to give him my nest egg to manage, I'll ask them what is the difference between them and just taking my money to a racetrack or a casino and letting it ride?
NEW RULE #9 Rebecca Martinson (aka the deranged sorority e-mailer) needs her own reality TV Show
When we last checked in with Martinson, best known as the Delta Gamma sorority sister who wrote the all time greatest e-mails rants ever (profiled last post), resigned her post at the sorority due to the resulting embarrassment. But turns out the e-mail was just half the story. She also had a Twitter account and apparently it was priceless:
Some other gems:
'failed another job interview today, apparently taking part in an orgy isn't enough proof that one can effectively work as part of a team and protection is overrated'
'might as well be Helen Keller because I have no clue what is going on now #plato'
'What you call morning wood, I call breakfast'
She seems like the female version of Daniel Tosh or this generation's Don Rickles, a likable asshole destined to be the new monarch of insult comedy. So if Bravo's Andy Cohen is listening, seriously this needs to happen like right now.
NEW RULE #10 Religious conservatives can stop with the 'religious persecution' meme anytime now
Quick somebody call a WAHHHmbulance because some religious leaders are having a sad. As gay marriage becomes inevitable, women gain control of their sexuality, and religious right political influence wanes. Evangelical Christians and the Catholic hierarchy are resorting to claims of 'religious persecution' for their beliefs in America because of being criticized for holding increasingly outdated social views. Persecuted? In America? Really?
What's really happening is the ability of a MINORITY of Christians and some Catholic Bishops to push their conservative beliefs and orthodoxy onto this country is coming to an end. Many people especially younger generations like myself are tuning out the fire and brimstone preaching offered up by the Religious Right opting instead for Christian denominations who prefer to keep it real. And by real I mean actually focusing on helping people and solving social problems. Things Jesus actually talked about in the New Testament.
So it's not persecution but civil disagreement as others either ignore/laugh at/mock/debate religious right leaders everytime they open their mouth and say something stupid. Which seems to occur on a daily basis. So as a consequence in the marketplace of free speech and ideas, crackpot religious groups like Focus on the Family, The Catholic League, and Concerned Women of America find themselves on the fringe rapidly becoming irrelevant. But to demonstrate why this is a horrendous false equivalency let's compare Evangelical Christians in US and the Coptic Christian minority in Egypt.
For the United States since 2011:
# of Christian leaders assassinated for their beliefs: 0
# of Christian churches destroyed in sectarian violence: 0
# of Christians killed in sectarian violence:0
Amnesty International Assessment: Entirely Free
For Egypt since 2011
# of Christian leaders assassinated for their beliefs:2
# of Christian churches destroyed in sectarian violence: 6
# of Christians killed in sectarian violence: 51
Amnesty International Assessment: Not Free;systematic discrimination, Gov't complicit in Islamic terrorist targeting of Copts
The next time Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association wants to claim religious discrimination, remember it's a craven response which minimizes the struggle of people around the World who truly being persecuted for their religion.
NEW RULE #11 Nutrition experts need to make up their damn minds about food
Why is it every day there is some conflicting information regarding nutrition in the news. Recently a British study claimed it's okay to skip meals and still lose weight contradicting previous logic of eat small snacks, don't skip meals to lose weight. For awhile it was the Atkins diet mantra of carbs are bad, carbs are the spawn of the devil so eat protein instead. Then Atkins drops dead from a heart attack, presumably from eating too much meat protein and the cholesterol that comes with it. Previously it was eat Low Fat products because it's healthier. Then never mind, those low fat products compensate for lack of taste with boat loads of sugar making it just as unhealthy. Before that Popeye tells kids eat your spinach and become strong and beat up a bunch of cartoon characters, only to have the FDA later say spinach is nutritionally worthless because back in the 1930's someone misplaced a decimal on a nutritional chart.
When it comes to contradicting themselves other than politicians no one does it better than nutritionists or self described food experts. Strangely it's the things learned in elementary school health class that have served me well and seem to still hold true:
- Food coming naturally from the Earth is usually good and healthy
- Food from a factory consisting mostly of preservatives and chemicals is usually bad
- The key to losing weight is burning more calories than you take in
- Go ahead have some pasta and bread, just don't eat entire bowl or loaf in one sitting.
- It's OK to have that double bacon cheese burger from Wendy's once in a while with the operative phrase being 'once in a while'.
- Salads are good, water is nice, and salad with a water is even better
- And we're all going to die someday, so we might as well eat good (in moderation) which is why you put that bottle of Soy Juice away. It looks like semen.
NEW RULE #12 All US domestic airlines should just go ahead and merge into one airline called Cluster Fuck Airways
Remember when flying was glamorous, exciting and fun? No. Neither did I. If we were take a favorability rating of airlines they would probably rank somewhere between genital herpes and rabies vaccination. With US Airways now merging with American Airlines after having already merged with United Airlines which originally merged with Continental Airlines. Since no one can really tell the difference between either of them, why not just have one, humongous airline that represents are dilapidated air travel infrastructure in this country. It's logo can be the middle finger and motto 'Fly the Friendly Skies or just plain go fuck yourself. Either way we don't care.'
And Finally NEW RULE I'm calling for a One Million Egghead march on Washington DC
Here in America we love using 'war' as metaphors for just about everything. There's the War on Drugs, War on Cancer, and even a supposed War on Christmas. It's a simple way to draw a line of contrast between the good and the bad. But there's a silent war which hasn't gotten noticed but needs to and it's the War on Science
Recently there were two pieces of legislation introduced in the US House of Representatives that should give anyone who values critical thinking serious pause.
First, the 'High Quality Research Act' by Rep.Lamar Smith (R-Texas) eliminates peer reviewed process at the Nat'l Science Foundation and replacing it with a Congressional stamp of approval for all Federally funded research. In other words get rid of the scientific method and only research what Congress says you can research. The second is the 'Census Reform Act' by Rep.Jeff Duncan (R-South Carolina) which limits the Census Bureau to only the decennial census eliminating the vast amount of demographic, housing, economic, health, and employment statistics that it publishes every year between Censuses.
Now it first glance you think well these Congressmen probably just dumb asses in the spirit of Michele Bachmann. But as you get to know the bill's sponsors you realize this is more about the censorship of science. What Lamar Smith is really targeting is research that contradicts the interests of Big Oil and energy companies. Studies monitoring the impact of global warming and the pollution of vital watersheds from the fracking for natural gas. Studies that could make alternative energy a reality and possibly eliminate the need for coal, oil, and nuclear power.
Jeff Duncan's anti-Census bill revolves around the extreme Libertarian economic policies favored by the very wealthy with the guise of lowering taxes for themselves and shrinking Gov't to the size to drown in a bathtub as Grover Norquist puts it. The problem is facts always seem to get in their way as Census data undercuts the 1%'ers argument that eliminating taxes for the very rich will create economic growth for all. Instead the data which collectively shows the human condition in America reveals while tax rates on the rich are the lowest in a century, income inequality is at it's widest since the Great Depression, the middle class is shrinking, and incomes are stagnating. Hard to advocate a tax cut for the rich when many middle or working class families can see that they are struggling. So Duncan's solution, if the science doesn't agree with you, just eliminate the science.
Whether in a social or physical field, science is about finding the truth. And good science is transparent and objective. Which is why I'm asking not just Ph.D's, nerds or geeks but anyone who believes that critical decisions about our country should be based on evidence and facts, not political agendas or ignorance to rise up in the Million Egghead March. Particularly if you live in Rep.Smith's or Rep.Duncan's district or have an anti-science, knuckledragging, cretin representing you at any level of Gov't. I implore you to march to the voting booth and VOTE their non-science believing assess out of office. Then it would truly be Revenge of the Nerds!
But in closing let me leave you with this thought. What all authoritarian regimes had in common from Nazi Germany, to the military juntas in South America, to the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia. Was that the first people they targeted were the intellectuals, scientists, and other types of people who would pierce through whatever propaganda they wanted the populace to believe. I'm not saying the US is turning into a banana republic but what these anti-science bills really aim for is to misinform and mislead Americans about key issues. Because if a politician or special interest group needs to censure science to the advance their agenda or argument, then it means whatever they are selling is a lie.
