Air Traffic Control = So Easy a Kid Can Do It – The head of air traffic control at New York’s JFK Airport has some explaining to do after audiotapes revealed two instances of kids actually directing air traffic last year. Not sure what the dust up is all about, since it’s only like the nation’s busiest airport, located in a densely populated area, with dozens of airplanes carrying thousands of passengers circling the city at any given moment. What could possibly go wrong? Besides there’s always the Hudson River if a plane ever really needed to land.
Most unfortunately named village on Earth – In Yemen, a village called al Qeada is considering changing it’s name for obvious reasons. Though having a controversial sounding name was never a deterrent to places Intercourse, PA or Dildo, Newfoundland
Forget Virginia, Philly’s Airport is the place for lovers – According to a recent survey of air travelers, Philadelphia Int’l Airport was ranked ‘Best Place to Hookup’ during a layover which is convenient for anyone flying US Airways because as the hub you’ll be there for awhile. Who knew building a Marriott hotel inside the main terminal would be so forward thinking. Bet you could make a killing running a condom kiosk.
Evidently ‘The Hills’ really does speak to today’s youth – A group of teenagers in Beverly Hills found a lucrative afterschool activity by breaking into celebrities homes and stealing cash, jewelry, clothes to the tune of $2 million dollars. Earning the name ‘Bling Ring’, they were eventually caught via surveillance footage, and when pressed for a motive said ‘They wanted the clothes they saw celebrities wearing on TV’ which doesn’t exactly put them a league with John Dillinger gang.
However, seeing as their victims included Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Adrienne Partridge they may be able set a new legal precedence of “Robbing from stupid rich people can’t be considered a crime if they never notice their belongings are actually missing”. Hilton was robbed 4 times before she finally noticed $500K of jewelry were missing and every time left her door unlocked.
John Mayer reveals the racial preferences of his penis – At this point Mayer is the male version of Megan Fox when it comes to interviews in terms of suffering from bouts of unfettered verbal diarrhea. In a interview for Playboy Mayer referred to his wanker as ‘David Duke’ because of it’s 'white supremacist tendencies’ when choosing the race of women ‘it likes to sleep with'. The only thing more controversial besides referring to his penis in the third person was dropping the ‘n’ word which when unless you’re a rapper is sort of verboten.
If you like your religion a little on the extremist side – A group calling themselves ‘The Army of God’ who fashion themselves the Christian Taliban have been patrolling Amarillo, Texas as sort of a morality police recently made headlines after forcibly breaking up a swinger’s party in town. Besides swingers, evidently the group is also targeting strip clubs, gay bars, coffee shops, book stores, liberal churches, and just about anywhere that doesn’t agree with their rigid interpretation of Christianity. This would be a good time for say Local or State law enforcement to intervene and put a stop to these people since last I checked harrassing people doing lawful activities sort violates the idea of personal freedom. Plus we would not want Pat Robertson getting any ideas.
Coming up next on The People’s Court – Lindsay Lohan, failed actress/singer/fashion designer and current raging nitwit sued e*Trade over a Super Bowl ad that supposedly defames her (the one with the talking baby calling another baby Lindsay an milkoholic) and she’s asking for the pittance sum of $100 million dollars. Legal experts weighed in on the suit noting even crack dealers were asking ‘What is she high?’. Actually the case will eventually get dismissed citing the Supreme Court case ‘Hustler Magazine vs. Falwell’ that ruled obvious parody cannot be considered slander or libel.
The suit is quite insightful because it reads right like a mental health checklist for schizophrenia:
Irrational Thought – That ‘milkoholic’ joke directly references her (allegedly) past substance abuse problems
Delusions of Grandeur - Claims the named baby ‘Lindsay’ references her because she’s so famous Worldwide that she is recognized by just her first name (akin to Madonna, Liberace, or Jesus)
Paranoia – That commercial will irrevocably hurt her career
Seeing or Hearing Things that aren’t Real – Lindsay having people tell her she actually has a career
Republicans successfully capture the ‘bat shit crazy’ segment of voters – Modern conservatism started out as an intellectual movement centered among Ivy Leaguers and other elite who wanted an alternative to FDR's New Deal policies. Now compared to present time, where according to a Harris Poll, 25% of registered Republicans believe Barack Obama to be the Anti-Christ while another 13% aren't sure.
Facebook goes from Social Network to STD Network - Officals in Sunderland, England blamed a sudden spike in Syphillis and Gonorrhea in the community citing the easy access of hooking up via Facebook. However, other theories include the unusually harsh winter in the UK and the fact that in Sunderland is the type of town where there is nothing else to do except drink and shag (English slang for f***). Also have to consider how the local sheep population factors in.
Another Facebook FYI – If you become a ‘fan’ of corporations or products, those companies can in turn mine every piece of your Facebook data. I know this to be true because we were just demo’d software for my company to do that very thing. Just something you might be interested in case you’re like one of those X-Files believing, tin-foil wearing, conspiracist types who believes that alien Zionists from the planet Nephyeon plan to covertly take over Earth through mind control enabled by the butter in microwave popcorn. I’d also mention MySpace but like who actually uses MySpace anymore? (yeah I said it Tom!)
Healthcare Reform (Yep, Joe Biden it's sort of a big f*****g deal) – Evidently Obama reads my blog because last month I extolled him to drop the hope and change thingy in exchange for a more ballsier approach (re: LBJ and Medicare/Medicaid Act). And voila in a show of unusual testicular fortitude, Obama and the Democrats went ahead and actually passed much needed healthcare reform. Meanwhile, for congrats, Europe called and welcomed America to the civilized world where human life comes before corporate profit along with the added benefit of universal healthcare actually spurring economic growth by controlling medical costs.
Now for all the teabaggers out there, put down the pitchforks and shotguns, have a nice cold beer and take a minute to chill out. Because the law just passed was originally a Republican idea and if you want to protest somebody, protest Mitt Romney who enacted the same legislation in Massachusetts while Governor making it the first state to ever have universal coverage. You know, that commie, pinko, socialist guy now running in President in 2012 on the GOP ticket, THAT Mitt Romney.
