If I hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner....

Every year in Washington Pols and the media who are supposed to cover them get together for something called the White House Correspondents Dinner where they rib and roast each other essentially making it the World’s largest JO session. Traditionally a star comic does the keynote roast and too see an excellent roast lookup Stephen Colbert in 2006 on YouTube. Seeing as this year, it was hosted by Jay LAMEo (re:Leno) who broke the comedian’s code of recycling old jokes and generally bombed because he’s a no talent suck ass.

I decided to give it my treatment so if I hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner…..

Announcer - Ladies and gentleman, the emcee for tonight’s soiree, (Insert your name here)( Applause)

Thank you, thank you. Well with two wars raging, 10% unemployment, and an environmental disaster in Louisiana, glad to see the DC crowd still myopic as ever and show its concern by throwing big old party for itself. Well they say politics is showbusiness for ugly people, and looking around the room I’d say they’re right. Jesus, if ugly people supposedly fell off the ugly tree, you people look like you got bounced around by an ugly forest.

Well our guest of the night, a worldwide icon inspiring hope in milllions...First Lady Michelle Obama..(Thunderous applause, standing ovation)......along with President Obama (polite clapping). Well Mr.President have to say I was worried for a moment there before healthcare passed. I thought we voted for the second coming of FDR, instead we got the second coming of Jimmy Carter. You looked like ‘Mr.Smith Goes to Washington’ except you’re version of Mr.Smith was acting like a complete pussy. (Republicans laugh)

But thankfully I’m guessing you've turned the corner and sans diddling an intern with a cigar I’m thinking you’re re-election is probably a given (Hillary Clinton laughs) as I look at the list of GOP Presidential frontrunners, why don’t we run down that murderer’s row (make sarcastic quote of ‘murderer’) :

Mitt Romney, former Gov of Massachusetts whose healthcare reform bill in his state provided the genesis for the nat’l one yet he’s running for President on promise to repeal it thinking will no one will notice. (laughter)..yep he’s moron! (cue to Mitt Romney laughing then getting the joke five minutes later)

Tim Pawlenty, current Gov of Minnesota whose main claim to fame is serving as the typical white guy photo in Microsoft ClipArt. Biggest problem is his last name matches his personality, where it sounds too much like one of those bland, Fiber,whole grain cereals that make you poop 10 times a day.

Newt Gingrich, former House speaker and current blowhard where I’m thinking his candidacy will be viable for about 5 minutes. That’s about the time when voters learn how you divorced your first wife while she fought breast cancer. Especially the romantic part where you demanded she sign divorce papers…..as she woke up from mastectomy surgery in the hospital.

Mike Huckabee, former Gov of Arkansas…..three words Not.Gonna.Happen

So that leaves…(introduce theme song to Jaws dundun dundun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN…)

Sarah Palin!,AHHHH!…(Jaws music crescendos). The walking, talking nightmare of every thinking American.

Now let me explain why Blue States are scared shitless of her getting anywhere near power. Remember the movie ‘The Dead Zone’ with Christopher Walken when he was at his absolute creepiest? The story is Walken plays a psychic who can tell people’s future by shaking their hand, and one day meets a Senate candidate played by Martin Sheen. Well Walken envisions Sheen becoming a ego-maniacal President who will start an unprovoked nuclear war and realizes he has to stop him.

And that’s what I see with Sarah Palin…..BOOM!....mushroom clouds resulting in death, disease, destruction, starvation after she mistakes the nuclear launch codes for her laptop. Now I’m not saying I’ll end up like Walken in a high vantage point with a sniper’s rifle…but don’t push me! (Democrats roar with laughter)

Now lets spotlight some other Political heavyweights and lowlifes…

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, now let’s see you have 40 seat majority which you may lose to the GOP next year….well leave it to Democrats to pull defeat from the absolute clutches of victory. (cue Pelosi trying to smile, but can’t due to collagen injections)

Former Bush political advisor Karl Rove, if you were any bigger of an asshole we’d need a proctologist

David Axelrod Resident Genius (trademark), Obama’s chief political advisor. After looking at those poll numbers and looming electoral disaster for Democrats this year, not sure I’m seeing the genius. Did you win the election last year or did McCain lose it?

Sen. John Ensign of Nevada, I like the way you roll playa. I mean pretending to be all conservative family values while banging your chief of staff’s wife, then when caught paying him off with extortion money and gov’t contracts to keep quiet. Now that’s genius…..oh wait….that’s not public knowledge yet….ooops….my bad. (cue FBI serving Ensign a search warrant).

Former VP candidate John Edwards....you can just get the hell out of here! Seriously take your nutty mistress and leave! (cue John Kerry clapping)

Now let’s meet some our esteemed members of the LAMESTREAM Media….

First, there’s David Gregory host of NBC's Meet the Press, which reminds me, I found some kneepads underneath the podium so naturally I’ll assume their yours after fellating The Bush Admin for 8 years… (cue Katie Couric laughing)

The dean of the Sunday Morning chat show, Bob Schieffer who recently announced the novel concept of using fact-checkers during his CBS show. Whoaa Bob.....you mean it didn't occur to you that politicians may not be telling the truth? And you have you've hosted the show for how long?

Ahh, Katie Couric, the woman who brought down Palin with her ‘Interview that saved the World’. Oh Katie I’m sure you won’t try to milk that for the next decade or so. (cue David Gregory laughing)

George Stephanopoulos, host of ABC's This Week....oops I mean former host....after being relegated to ABC This Morning because you’re work during last election exposed you as a vapid, know-nothing hack. (everybody laughs hysterically)

And the folks at politico.com who I would refer to as the TMZ of politics, except TMZ actually has some sort of journalistic integrity

And Fox News political analyst and convicted prostitute toe licker Dick Morris….. speaking of Fox News where’s CEO Rupert Murdoch? …..Ahh you know having someone like Glenn Beck spew daily violent, delusional, unsubstantiated conspiracy theories to an audience of armed wingnuts who you personally noted were not all that bright sort akin to lighting a match around a leaking gasoline truck. But hey, what harmful unintended consequences could possibly come from a little bloviating now and then?…...(mutter under breath) Tim McVeigh and the Oklahoma City bombing….

Finally how about that Tea Party movement, huh? Which is complete bullshit because were a country of coffee drinkers. I swear Jeff Foxworthy could do a whole new comedy routine from these tea party rallies….’ If you believe the Census is a socialist plot to round up all gunowners into re-education camps, then you might be a redneck’ (cue Jeff Foxworthy furiously writing something on a napkin)

But I thought I’d end with three little pieces of advice for all the teabaggers out there foaming at the mouth with white male paranoia masquerading as a protest over taxes:

First, when making those cleaver little signs, enlist the help of spellcheck or a dictionary or someone with a reading level higher than the 3rd grade. Another idea, swap signs to check others work that way you can catch errors easier….like suggesting ending The with an e.

Second, if you’re going to dress up in Revolutionary War garb, go all out. A patriot hat and coat over a faded NASCAR racing t-shirt gives the impression you’re really not committed.

Lastly, you cannot use the words communist AND fascist as adjectives to both describe the same thing in the same sentence. These are two diametrically opposite concepts in political science…..sort of like trying to use Matter vs. Anti-Matter.....or sort of like calling someone a Yankees fan and a Red Sox fan….simply makes no sense. But I’m sure you already knew that (vaguely hiding contempt).

Well time for me to head out before I gag from the sight of Ann Coulter eating but you’ve been a great audience. If I’ve said anything to offend....then good, I meant it and I hope it stings. Good night and on behalf of middle, working class America, to quote Dick Cheney.....go fuck yourselves!