Five Celebrities who I wish would retire

The hardest thing in a person’s life is knowing when it’s time to exit the stage. That pearl of wisdom came to me in college during Homecoming in the form of a drunk 70 year alumni at a liquor store who I think was talking about life. But he also may have been talking about calling it night after peeing his pants and collapsing into a empty case of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the parking lot. However that’s a discussion for another day

Anyway at some point in our lives it is time to call it a career and ride off into the sunset while ideally you’re still on top and the only other way forward is down. That’s especially true of celebrities where careers are like parties. It’s alright to be there first at the party, but not last and certainly not BOTH. The perfect timing for exiting a party is to of duck out right when you sense the party has crested and the downswing is about to begin. Best example was Johnny Carson who upon retirement in 1992 never had higher ratings and his comedy had never lost an edge. We’ll always remember Johnny at his best. Sadly the same cannot be said of these celebrities who not only stayed at the party too long but are still there long after the cleaning lady left.

1.Hugh Hefner – The man who started the flames of the sexual revolution and convinced Americans to loosen up their collar while unbuttoning something else seemed to have the fitting ending when he married in the early 80’s and settled down. The persona of velvet robe wearing, pipe smoking, and Martini drinking ladies man put to rest and ideally memorialized in the Smithsonian or some another monument to Pop Culture. Freeze frame. Cue credits. Story done.

But then he divorced, and then Viagra happened to where as he got older the women got younger and the World’s oldest bachelor schtick got really stale. And instead of looking cool, it just looks downright creepy. As Chris Rock put it ‘The real reason men marry? Cause they don’t to be the old man at the club’. Which is great advice for kids along with Rock’s other truism ‘Regardless of whatever a stripper tells you. There’s absolutely no sex in the champagne room.’ (Does not apply to professional athletes, rappers, or Charlie Sheen)

2. Dick Clark – Anyone who went to a New Year’s party undoubtedly counted it down with Dick Clark and his allegedly ‘rockin’ TV special. At every party, I’ll bet there was some smackass who had a little too much to drink and decided to entertain the crowd with a Dick Clark impersonation. And most likely it wasn’t flattering given this New Year’s for Clark was his 8th after the stroke which robbed him of smooth voice and delivery. Not to mention he looked even weirder with his new facelift.

We all applauded his triumphant return in 2004 and that seemed like a good time to hand over the keys to the human whitenoise machine, Ryan Secrest. But he stayed on and lately the typical countdown has not been going too well: “10,9,8,7,7,7..uh 5,3 (Officially midnight, bal hits bottom),4,2,1 Happy Birthday!..no..wait… New Year’s…YAY!” Now I’m not making light of or poking fun at stroke victims but I’d like to say to Dickie C. is "It’s Ok to let go. There’s no shame in walking away’ Because we’d like to remember the World’s Oldest Teenager as just that: a teenager. And not a grim walking reminder of the cruel frailty of life.

3. Pam Anderson – Oh, Pammy can we talk? Let’s be honest. Sure you were hottest woman on the planet, but that was circa 1990 in the era before internet porn, where unless your dad had a Playboy subscription, the only satisfaction a hormonal filled teenager could get was watching Who’s the Boss reruns with Alyssa Milano or Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie’ music video when no one else was around. That’s not to take away from your accomplishment of having best selling Playboy issues of all time and causing a generation of Moms to ask ‘Who the hell keeps using up all the Kleenex?’

But then you got implants, got married to Tommy Lee, and all of our hearts were broken when that sex tape leaked and ruined the fantasy. Now it’s just sad especially that gravity has taken hold. As one comedienne put it ‘Pam Anderson taking off her clothes is like the ending to any M.Night Shyamalan movie. In both cases you’re wondering what the hell was that.’ There really is something to said about aging gracefully and dressing age appropriate. It’s about recognizing that while life comes in stages and some things in the past can’t be recaptured, you can still be sexy at any age. Perhaps Pam could take a turn on the cover of AARP magazine. Then it would mark the first time in over a decade someone snuck off alone to the bathroom with a magazine featuring her.

4.Larry King – oh never mind. CNN already took care of that.

5.Jaden and Willow Smith – Now I know they’re just kids but this crap can stop right now. I’m serious. This is bulls**t. Will Smith would have better luck reigniting Jazzy Jeff’s career then trying to launch his offspring. They have about as much talent as those idiots who try out for American Idol. You know the really bad ones who may have a mental disorder. But at least some of the rejects on Idol are entertaining. This is nepotism at its worst. And don’t even try to make the argument ‘Well Sofia Coppola did pretty on her own well even though her dad is Francis Ford Coppola’ It’s a false equivalency so don’t even go there! Its not even close…ugggh where’s the Advil