It's Your Completely Unnecessary Guide To the Oscars

By Jason Neal

WARNING: The following has been satirized for your protection

First something of a disclaimer, back in college when I had something called free time and could engage my cinephile hobby. I would have seen every movie and performance on this list and could have given you complete breakdown of each category. But alas adult responsibility came along now I'm limited to occasional Netflix and anything playing on basic cable. So in full disclosure I really haven't many of the nominees, BUT that's OK. Because I suspect many of the actual Oscar voters have not either and at least I have the integrity to admit it. 

The likelihood of winning is measured in 'Jack' units or how many Jack Daniels drinks would you would need to get the swagger of Jack Nicholson before appearing on stage ranging from 0 representing just Happy To be there, to 4 meaning grab your sunglasses, smirk, and the thank you list cause your headed to the podium! The 'Jack' units will appear in the ( ) along side nominee and each category ranked most to least likely.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Berenice Bejo, The Artist (3.5)

Octavia Spencer, The Help (3)

Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs (2)

Jessica Chastain, The Help (1)

Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids (1)

Personally I would give it to McCarthy but since Oscar voters have zero sense of humor so rule her out. Jessica Chastain's 'chestacular' performance will get her a Mr.Skin.com nod but sadly not here. Janet McTeer got overshadowed by Glenn Close. So we're left with Spencer and Bejo. Best Supporting Actress tends to favor the breakout role and Spencer would have had it locked had it not been for the late surge of The Artist so the Oscar goes to Bejo.

FUN OSCAR FACT #1: If you want to watch an actor squirm, find one whose career happened only because they are the child of some other famous actor, and ask this question: 'So Kate Hudson (or insert your own actress) now really tell us....assuming you weren't Goldie Hawn's daughter (or insert famous parent)...which of the following would you be doing.... working at a Wal-Mart or Denny's?'

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Christopher Plummer, Beginners (4)

Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn (3)

Johan Hill, Moneyball (3)

Nick Nolte, Warrior (2)

Max von Sydow, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (1)

Now personally my vote would to go von Sydow to make up for the Oscar snub two decades ago with the classic beer comedy Strange Brew. Nolte is out because frankly the Academy is afraid of what a acceptance speech on LSD laced with Crystal Meth would look like. Branagh is like the Kate Winslet of male actors, great performances but always overshadowed by some one-trick pony. Comes down to Plummer and Hill and since this category always tends to go to older actors as sort of quasi lifetime achievement award, your winner is Plummer.

FUN OSCAR FACT #2: Here's a phrase, you'll never, EVER hear at the Oscars acceptance ceremony: 'Wow thanks but really I'm just some guy playing make believe. Seriously 4 year olds can do this so there's no need for all the hoopla and pageantry. I'm donating this statuette to be melted down so the proceeds from the gold given to starving children in Haiti.'

BEST ACTRESS:

Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn (3.75)

Violet Davis, The Help (3.75)

Glenn Close, Albert Notts (2.5)

Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady (2)

Rooney Mara, Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (0)

Scratch Rooney Mara since watching the rape scene in Dragon Tattoo for voters was probably like sitting through Lindsay Lohan reciting the alphabet in a sobriety checkpoint stop, painful. Glenn Close gave a great gender-bending performance but the film required voters to actually think so she strikes out again. Streep nomination too controversial since Brits take offense to an American playing a Brit better than a Brit playing a Brit, so to avoid an international incident she's out. Leaves photo finish between Davis and Williams which very similar to the choice facing George Clooney whether to have the lobster or the crack crab when dining in the South of France while entertaining some hot, 'model turned actress' girlfriend.

FUN OSCAR FACT #3: On the red carpet, keep your eye out for when someone asks Kristen Stewart 'Why do you keep giving me that awkward look?'

BEST ACTOR:

Gary Oldman, Tinker, Tailor, Solider, Spy (3.5)

Brad Pitt, Moneyball (3)

George Clooney, Descendents and because he's George fucking Clooney

Jean Desjardins, Warrior (0)

Denian Bichiri, Better Life (0)

Best actor usually is all about star power so Desjardins and Bichiri are out at the start. Now Clooney already got a statue for his performance in Gets More Ass than The Driver's Seat of a Rental Car Syriana so probably won't get a second one this year. Moneyball focuses on the Oakland A's who actually never won anything with the moneyball system so neither will Brad Pitt. Thus your winner is Gary Oldman for The Professional urr...Harry Potter urr...The Dark Knight..urr..  Tinker Tailor, something or other. Oldman basically is like the Honey Badger of Hollywood:  'The honey badger is a bad ass. He just takes what we he wants because the honey badger don't care, the honey badger don't give a s...'

FUN OSCAR FACT #4: If Pitt should win, best part of Oscar night will be the camera panning to Jennifer Aniston as she tries to hide the scorn and thinks of her next entry in her 'Burn Book'

BEST PICTURE (ranked from least to most in 'Jack' units):

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Title also describes what its like living with a toddler, but the post 9-11 flick overloads on sentimentality. Though Oscars like sentimentality this movie had enough to give Diabetic insulin shock (0)

Tree of Life - Terrence Malick's spiritual piece undone by the fact no one knows what the hell is going on during the film. (0)

Midnight In Paris - First time in long time Woody Allen appears in category but film only seen by NYU Film students and by the .0000003% of American movie goers who actually think Woody Allen films are funny (1)

The Descendants - Alexander Payne best known as a director who can perfectly balance comedy with emotionally serious material. But it's the comedy part of the equation that rules out Payne..again... since Oscar voters are SOOO serious. (2)

The Help - The first Oscar contender where plot revolves going to the bathroom (2.5)

Moneyball - In real life being a statistician will get you a good job, but in Hollywood it doesn't get you golden prize or the hot chick (2.5)

Hugo - It's sort of like if Martin Scorsese directed a Pixar feature. Oh wait it is like Martin Scorsese directed a Pixar movie (3)

Warhorse - Two months ago I would have said this as the Best Picture, but if you're Steven Spielberg you're getting that queasy feeling that 1999 is about to happen all over again. You know where another war masterpiece Saving Private Ryan got eclipsed by a late surging indie flick Shakespeare In Love thanks to that undeserving hack Gwyneth (BLECCH) Paltrow..because now here comes....(3.5) 

The Artist - A silent movie that goes old school but wins votes because its storyline is based on something extremely rare in Hollywood these days...an original idea. Who knew? (4)

FUN BONUS: Since The Artist is a silent movie, I'm going to do an impression of the average West Virginia moviegoer's reaction to seeing it theaters:

'Hey Thelma Ray! Better move git yer beehind up and talk the manager I think something wrong 'cause the sound aint workin'. And shoot somethin wrong with the color too. It's black and white. And why they all dancin? When they gonna start blowing shit up?'