Like my comedy hero Bill Maher I feel the need about this time every year to spout off on what I think should be new rules....
NEW RULE #1 - If lawmakers can't even say the word vagina then lawmakers should not be legislating it:
This summer, two female lawmakers in the Michigan House of
Representatives were censured for having the temerity of mentioning
vagina during debate on an anti-abortion bill. I guess both lawmakers
figured, seeing as they actually have a vagina, and since babies come
out of a vagina, who better than address the issue of reproductive
rights than say someone who has one.
(Interesting way to put it)
Strange
how since the sexual revolution we've become more puritan in that we
cannot even mention the technical medical term for a woman's'
va-jay-jay' in polite conversation. I would imagine Michigan House
Speaker Jase Bolger would really get the vapors if anti-abortionists
get around trying to ban men from getting vasectomies. Then lawmakers
would have tiptoe around saying the word p-p-p-p---penis and
t-t-t-t----testicles. Maybe they could substitute 'Russel the love
muscle and the dynamic duo' in formal debate.
NEW RULE #2 - If a beer needs gimmicks and flashy advertising then its probably not good beer:
So
Coors has a can that turns blue letting you know its cold for people
whom the sense of touch isn't enough. Miller Lite has a new pop tab can
and vortex bottle to help the beer flow smoother for those too lazy to
swallow. And apparently if you drink Michelob Ultra you ride around
with Lance Armstrong in the California mountains with a bunch of other
extremely attractive people. All of this my guess is to hide the fact
that each aforementioned beer basically tastes like pisswater.
In
the two decades or so I've been 'legally' drinking
(wink,wink,nudge,nudge) I've found good beer sells itself and doesn't
need gimmicks, women in bikinis, or talking animals. Seeing as the three
big American brewers are now facing big competition from the rise of
Craft and Speciality beer, including Yuengling, Sierra Nevada, and Sam
Adams. Perhaps actually improving the beer would improve sales. If we
must still resort to advertising how about a return to clever
catchphrases like the Schaffer classic: 'The ONE beer to have when
you're having more than ONE'
NEW RULE #3 - Jenny McCarthy has a body count:
No Jenny McCarthy does not literally have a body count via murder. But
by giving voice and media attention to the fringe anti-vaccination
cult starting in 2007, she along with hack Robert F. Kennedy Jr. have
convinced well-meaning but otherwise gullible parents (alright lets
just call them dumb) that vaccines cause autism and that there is a
false choice as whether to have them administered to their children.
Thanks to them here's the result based on Centers for Disease Control
data compiled by the website jennymccarthybodycount.com.
As of July 7, 2012:
- Number of Vaccine Preventable Illnesses in US since her involvement: 100,380
- Number of Deaths from those illnesses: 1,014
-
The average cost to treat Vaccine Preventable Illnesses in a hospital:
$10,000 per case and up to $100,000 if intensive care is needed
- Number of Autism cases in US scientifically linked to Vaccines: 0.0*
(*
- The only study to link autism to vaccines was retracted in 2010
after its author British researcher Andrew Wakefield admitted to
falsifying his data and charged with fraud while subsequently stripped
of his medical license)
Just about anyone working in the
medical sector will tell you vaccines are one of the most important
advancements in public health since the discovery of antibiotics. Prior
to McCarthy's stupidity, diseases like Measles, Mumps, and Whooping
Cough were practically eradicated from the US. Prior to 1998 we
averaged just 56 Measles cases a year, and was considered so rare
medical schools no longer felt the need to teach about the disease.
(Thanks, Jenny)
Now
look at Measles since 2005 and we suddenly have ourselves a health
crisis where we should not have one. My heart goes out to families
dealing with autism, but attacking vaccines will not stop the disease or
improve the lives of Autistic children. To families still not
vaccinating their children, please remember its not always just about
you. And finally for the fawning media, next time ask McCarthy about all
the time and money wasted to confirm vaccines don't cause Autism (try
$42 million) that could have gone toward autism research. Then sit back
and watch her botox riddled face try to come up with an answer.
NEW RULE #4 - Cosmo Magazine needs to stop giving sex advice:
Men would like ladies to know that most of the tips in Cosmo are
pretty useless, unless you want a night of intimacy to end in
spectacular failure. From a list of 44 ridiculous tips compiled from
Jezebel.com blogger Ben Reininga:
"Hold
his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other... you can
tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly
pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake
of being too gentle."
Second opinion: make the mistake of being too gentle. At least until you ask.
"Fifty-six
percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head while lying down as
opposed to standing up, while the numbers are exactly reversed for
married men."
I think that means you are one married man and two standard deviations from overthinking foreplay.
"Think
of his shaft... like the outer curve of your breast. ...Take his shaft
between your open palms and tap it back and forth, almost like you're
volleying a tennis ball. The quick movements are a fun way to wake up
his nerves."
First, do women like their breasts to be "volleyed" like tennis balls? Also: stop hitting me.
"Use silicone-based lube to give each other pre-nooky rubdowns."
Bonus: it's water-resistant, so it'll never come off!
NEW RULE #5 - Whenever Pat Robertson appears in the media, he should be referred to as 'God's official asshat':
Even if you're not convinced God exists, Pat Robertson would convince
you that God has a wicked sense of humor. Everytime Robertson makes a
deluded statement like Denver Broncos would suffer God's wrath for
trading uber-christian quarterback to the Jets to make way for Peyton
Manning. I always imagined somewhere in heaven, Jesus and his apostles
hanging out at a beatnik club enjoying Robertson the way hipsters would
enjoy Bill Murray at his deadpan best reading the Twitter timelines of
the Kardashians.
NEW RULE #6 - Skinny
fashionistas who criticize Kate Upton need to get a grip (along with a
sandwich and less distorted body image): - Some pro-skinny, or
pro-Ana (as in anorexia) bloggers recently gotten their jollies
calling Upton fat and a cow. I'll chalk it up to mean girls being
jealous since Upton signifies the end of the skinny Kate Moss era in
modeling.
If you ask most dieticians and doctors they would call her 'healthy',
If
you ask most women they would call her 'meh, she's alright', which is
translated to 'Yeah she's hot, but my boyfriend likes her so naturally I
hate her'
If you ask most men they would say ''meh, she's
alright' which is translated to 'Holy Mother of Pearl! Can those be
real!? With that body she could probably bend time and space to her
will! Pardon me while I pick my tongue up off the floor!'
Give men the option of a Kate Upton or a Mary Kate Olsen, I'll bet Upton wins say 1000% of time.
NEW RULE #7 - In order to save real journalism, we will institute the 'TMZ Tax':
As local newspapers and investigative reporting in general become
endangered by lack of revenue, a 25% tax shall be imposed on earnings
from all tabloids, entertainment fluff shows (ala Extra, Entertainment
Tonight, E! Network), and gossip sites. This will help fund the news
sources that really matter, like the PBS documentary series Frontline or
as teenagers would refer to it 'The kinda of shit you really need to
know about'.
So alongside salacious headlines like 'Snooki
shops for baby clothes!' we'll get 'Billionaire oil barons the Koch
Brothers shop for State politicians to destroy local environmental
laws!' And with 'Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth getting serious by ring
shopping!', there's 'Congressmen and Wall Street lobbyists get cozy
at dinner! Could privatized Social Security be next!'
If
it weren't for investigative reporters some of our Nation's biggest
scandals would have never seen the light of day. Even in small towns
there are reporters like Sarah Ganim from the Harrisburg (PA) Patriot
Times who doggedly pursued rumors about a ongoing cover-up at a nearby
major university for over two years. And who despite numerous
roadblocks and obstacles put in her path managed this past fall to
uncover the biggest scandal in the history of not just collegiate sports
but higher education. Thanks to Sarah Ganim we have our next rule..
NEW
RULE #8 - Now That Jerry Sandusky is going to prison and Joe Paterno's
legacy has been eviscerated lets focus on the root cause of the Penn
State scandal: Sports writers, moralists, op-ed writers, sports
show phone-in callers, bloggers, trolls, and even my dentist have all
debated ad-naseum about the Penn State scandal and Paterno's legacy. I
won't continue that discussion other to say it would be a good for
Paterno's family at this point in the wake of the PSU-Freeh Report to
just shut the hell up. We're done listening. Any chance of plausible
deniability is gone.
We know Sandusky was a monster but
in terms of enabling a monster former Penn State President Graham
Spanier is the chief villain in this sordid tale. Why Spanier is not
facing any criminal charges (yet) when the decision to cover-up
Sandusky's child rape both began and ended with him is a complete
mystery. What Spanier represents is everything that's wrong with higher
education in America. The idea that Paterno ran the show is absolute
bullshit. Spanier could have ended this at any time.
('Don't worry Coach, I told Jerry to take his kid raping somewhere else.)
Imagine the mayor of a 15,000 to 60,000 person town who is:
-
Unelected and has complete authority to do whatever they want while
being completely unaccountable to anybody (sure there is a 'Board of
Trustees' but Penn State showed how little power they really have).
-
Has control over a budget of sometimes Billions of dollars and can
decide where it goes, who it goes to without any transparency or
scrutiny.
- Can make personnel decisions without second guessing or external review.
- Controls the police department and can shut down any investigation they'd like
- Can directly edit and control content of media and speech within the community without any regard for person's rights.
Would
you want to live in a town like that? Well if you are a college
student at a major public University than you do. Spanier embodies the
phrase 'power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely',
resulting in University Presidents and their lackeys amassing too much
power at the expense of actual education. Even if you take away revenue
from major college athletics, patents from research along with the
tuition fees they charge students has turned public universities into
profitable corporations. But for the betterment of whom, the students
or people who run them?
And at no point in the last 20
years has any major college President ever said 'I think out tuition
is getting too high and were pricing out middle and working class
students. So I think our focus should be where can we lower costs'.
Instead its about enjoying the perks and privileges of being a chief
executive and the money lavished by banks that profit from student
loans and textbook manufacturers who enjoy exclusivity in the student
bookstore. When a University becomes so powerful and wealthy that it
places its reputation above the welfare of children and overall human
decency, then its time for a major overhaul of our higher education
system. And reminding University Presidents everywhere they serve
students, not vice versa.
NEW RULE #9 - People opposed to gay marriage can't qualify it with 'But I have gay friends':
If you had gay friends or really considered them to be your friends
you would respect their right to have their relationships legally
recognized. Plus if your gay friends knew you were opposed to gay
marriage, then I doubt very much they would want you to be their
friend. And then you would no longer be invited to all their fabulous
parties.
And on a related note..
NEW RULE #10: A reminder to Evangelical Christians, the 1st Amendment guarantees freedom of speech but... -
...it does not shield you from legitimate criticism others may have in
reaction to your free speech. A quick lesson in the US Constitution
for all those claiming religious persecution for speaking out against
gay marriage. The 1st Amendment prevents the government from limiting
free speech. However in the public marketplace of thoughts and ideas,
when you say something controversial like you are against gay
marriage, other people have the right to (ideally) respectfully disagree
with your position.
It is at that point you cannot say
others are infringing on your freedom of speech, just because your
circle of friends, co-workers, family, etc all of a sudden think you're
an asshole for opposing gay marriage. Same goes for the Catholic
church, Chick Fil'A, and actor Kirk Cameron who think being criticized
for opposing gay marriage is an attack on their religious beliefs. Rush
Limbaugh can call as many pro-choice women activists sluts as he
wants. That's his constitutional right. But sponsors have the the
constitutional right to yank advertising from Limbaugh because they take
offense to having their wives, mothers, sisters, and daughters being
called sluts.
(Correction: In the above post I noted Kirk
Cameron is an 'actor' which was later deemed offensive to
actual talented, working actors. Thus the line should be corrected
to 'former child star and grown-up douchebag Kirk Cameron'. I
apologize for this oversight and any insult which this may have caused)
NEW RULE #11 - In the Hunger Games vs. Twilight Debate There's A Clear Winner:
Takeaway the love triangle in Hunger Games and its still a kick-ass
tale about a cruel televised fight to the death while serving as a
modern take on Joan of Arc and subtle satire on reality television. Do
the same for Twilight and its just a bunch teenagers in the
Pacific Northwest who mope around in the rain all day. Conclusion:
Hunger Games wins and true to the Capital's autocratic style there will
be no arguments or dissension. Thank You
NEW RULE #12 - Generational Warfare is the new Class Warfare:
As detailed by Stephen Marche in Esquire back in April, the real
economic woes being experienced by young people today are not
necessarily the 1% vs. everyone else but retired people over age 65
enjoying unprecedented wealth sometimes at the expense of those under
age 35. Some stats for you to chew on:
(From:Esquire)
Now
to add insult to injury the up and coming older generation regarded as
the Baby Boomer generation who still cling to the reigns of power in
both government and business are suddenly on a kick about austerity and
cutbacks for social programs because of the National Debt. A debt of
$15 Trillion dollars THIS current older generation
created and now seem unwilling to sacrifice themselves to pay down. If
this seems patently unfair it is.
(From: Esquire)
So
much for the social contract that each generation tries to leave
things better than when they found it. Not trying to paint Baby Boomers
with too broad a brush but to summarize: They got everything,
sacrificed nothing, ran up a giant debt while leading Government,
created the practice of outsourcing jobs while leading Business. And
now want to tell young people facing record unemployment they must foot
the bill because 'austerity for thee but not for me'.
(From: Esquire)
Young
people in their 20's and 30's need their own version of the AARP
(American Assoc. of Old Farts urr Retired People) to lobby Congress
and reset our social priorities to include affordable higher education,
health care, solidifying Social Security, and oh yeah jobs. The good
news is by 2010, the Millennials, and Gen Y'ers will outnumber those
over 65. So if every eligible young person voted, and helped grabbed
the levers of power, politicians would suddenly be inclined to balance
public spending to serve the needs of everybody instead of just telling
those damn kids to get off Granny's lawn.
AND
FINALLY, NEW RULE #13 - Since mental illness and gun rampages appear
correlated, lets use sales tax from guns and ammunition to fund
adequate mental healthcare in America: To be honest I don't
understand the allure of guns but since the 2nd Amendment gives people
the right to bear arms, if people get their jollies from shooting guns
then so be it. Back in colonial times having a gun was essential for
warding off bears, Indians, British soldiers, etc. Today though gun
ownership is mostly a hobby, like sailing, bird watching, or antiquing.
But unlike those other hobbies, guns have a huge collateral price in
lives lost.
('Hi, Can I get a AK47 fully automatic rifle, 60 rounds of ammunition, and I'm sort of in a hurry!')
In
light of the latest mass murder tragedy in Aurora, CO, I wish the
Nat'l Rifle Association would realize that like alcohol which is also
guaranteed in the Constitution, owning guns comes with responsibility
and there should reasonable limits to who can get a gun. I wish gun
owners would sacrifice a little bit of convenience for safeguards like
closing the gun show loophole and having quantity limits on high
powered ammunition sales.
Understandably from the gun
seller point of view what exactly constitutes a 'responsible' adult can
be tricky so why not take portion of gun sales taxes every year and
fund mental health facilities where people who look ready to go off the
rails on a crazy train can get help instead of a getting a gun. And
people identified as likely to commit violence can safely be taken out
of the general population when they represent a threat to everybody
else. Failing that can gun sellers at least use a little discretion,
like when a person who seems 'a little off', 'appears a few croutons
short of a salad' or has the 'thousand yard stare' suddenly wants to
buy a high powered assault rifle and has an unexplained urgent need to
have it now. Feel free to say 'uh, how about a nice water pistol
instead?'
