If I moderated the Debate (Or 16 Questions That Should Have Been Asked but Weren't)

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A Parent's Guide on Surviving Disney World (Without Losing Your Flipping Mind)

Let me start with just a little disclaimer. Prior to having kids, a trip to Disney World would describe my own personal version of Hell since it involved three things I cannot stand: crowds, lines, and canned entertainment. If I didn't have kids my preferred method of vacation would've been like my co-worker who took a three week Mediterranean cruise. But alas the role of parent often involves sacrificing what you want for the good of the whole family. Thus my plans for trips overseas and Caribbean cruises will for now have to be on hold.

Now first, the bad news - From the moment your child stumbles upon the Disney Channel resistance becomes futile. When a Disney character is your oldest daughter's first word (Eeyore) that trip to Disney World becomes inevitable. Because to deny them a trip to the happiest place on Earth will doom them to become outcast as weird among peers (What? You mean haven't been to Disney? Freak!') and adult resentment later on. And like Dante having navigate the 9 circles of Hell in The Divine Comedy, you as dutiful parent will have navigate the modern inferno that can be Disney World. Plus visit in the summertime and it will physically seem like you are in the depths of Hell. I don't mean just any heat, but the kind fused with humidity. The kind of stifling, soul-suffocating heat that would make camel beg for air-conditioning.


But here's the good news - It doesn't have to suck. Perhaps the greatest achievement of the evil genius that was Walt Disney is the park encapsulates the idealized childhood and there really is (and I hate how corny this sounds) something magical when experienced through the eyes of a child. When your kids enter this alternate universe you will see a joy and happiness normally only reserved for Christmas mornings and snowdays. And that joy can't help but rub off on you the parent. There's a reason why a trip to Disney World has become an American rite of passage, and the parents of today who first went when they were young now take their children.

So What's In It For Me? - The real payoff for parents when booking a Disney vacation is the capturing of your kids 'peak childhood'. That blissful state where kids are free to dream, fantasize, and albeit for one week or so live the ultimate childhood experience. And what you get as a reward is like a fossil preserved in amber, that piece of peak childhood preserved in photographs and memories. So that when the adolescent angst and puberty stage hits, you'll have a reminder that at one time they were sweet, innocent children. Which will be helpful in preventing possibly wanting to kill them after they wreck the car and run up 2,000 minutes on your cell phone plan.

For me 'peak childhood' came at age 10 during Spring Break of 4th grade, my parents took me on my own journey to the Disney World and looking back it was probably the funnest vacation I ever had with my parents. And now having been to Disney twice now with my own kids, the major benefit of going is remembering what it was like to be a kid. Before the Real World intruded and youthful dreaming gave way to cynicism. Now with all this in mind, here are a few tips that helped my wife and I survive the 'sometimes' happiest place on Earth:

1. Always Keep This In Mind - A trip to Disney is lot like a good Pixar movie in that works on two levels. On one hand its primarily aimed at kids who will derive the most enjoyment. On the other, there are plenty of winks and nods to adults that also make it enjoyable so go with an open mind.

2. When To Go - Like telling a good joke or diffusing a bomb, timing is everything. Summertime is the most convenient when kids are out of school but also when its the most crowded and expensive. If you can swing it aim for Fall between Labor Day and the Holidays or Winter between New Year's and Spring Break. Prices drop in half, lines are negligible, and the weather less brutal. In terms of age probably best to wait until kids are out of diapers, lest you want to deal with poo on a hot, Florida afternoon.

3. The Lodging - Disney has a huge offering on-site resorts and hotels grouped as luxury, moderate, and economy. All of them essentially have the same layout of hotel rooms spread out condo style, with a major hub in the middle, and a large, kid friendly pool. Each hub typically has a restaurant, food court, bar, store, and guest services. Since at Disney you'll mainly need a room to sleep and shower, the typical family probably only needs the moderate or economically priced resorts. If your staying off-site just remember prices go up peak season and when large conventions come to Orlando, snagging a hotel room can be downright impossible.

4. The Food - I recommend getting a meal-plan with your tickets which usually consist of 2 sit-down meals and 1 fast-serve meal a day plus 1 daily snack per ticket. It saves you tiem and from having to bring large amount of cash but...and this is a large very BUT: the quality significantly varies across restaurants. Thus you have a range of Excellent to well, meh. So ASAP after getting tickets, get online and research the restaurants that look the most promising ahead of time. Some in-park restaurants become completely booked months in advance.

For Fast-Serve, I recommend the Pecos Bill Tall Tale Inn in Frontiertown, if this place were in my neighborhood I'd be there at least once a week, which would not be a good thing for my cholesterol.

For sit-down dining, I highly recommend over in Epcot World Showcase, the Marrakesh inside Morocco. True story, the King of Morocco was so flattered his country was chosen to be represented in Epcot, he sends his personal chef over to Epcot to personally oversee the development of the menu and cooking standards at Marrakesh. So when you dine there, you literally dine like royalty.

5. The People - This can be most interesting along with the most infuriating aspect of visiting Disney. When in lines or on the bus around the park you'll meet people from all corners of the US and the globe. We met people from-away places like Scotland, Malaysia, Chile, South Africa, and Israel. Most of the visitors to Disney (we'll put it at about 98%) are friendly, agreeable, and often with small kids in tow here to simply have fun.

As for that other 2%, like any large gathering of people there will be those who bring about your inner psychopath. The biggest annoyance are the people who lack in any sense of spatial awareness and will cut right across you and your stroller or stop in the middle of a crowded sidewalk for no apparent reason what so ever. Forcing you to stop, or suddenly swerve around them since they are completely oblivious to everything around them. And then there are the (since this is a kid-rated blog) we'll call them @#$%^&*s. People both American and foreign for whom common courtesy is a alien concept.

No matter how maddening, resist having your Bruce Banner turn into the Incredible Hulk, and just let it go. And go forth confident in your own moral superiority

6. The Staff - What has set Disney World apart from the wanna-bes like Six Flags, Busch Gardens, etc. is the impeccable customer service. Out of possibly hundreds of encounters with staff over two visits, only once was someone rude. You'll wonder if they secretly put anti-depressants in the drinking water since everyone from the ride operators to the food staff to the janitorial staff is so friendly. You actually get spoiled because once back in the Real World you'll expect every cashier to smile and be delightful. That'll end real quick first time visiting a Starbucks or K-Mart upon your return.

7. The Transportation - If staying at a resort there are buses that shuttle to and from every park about every 20 minutes or so with average rides ranging from 10 to 15 minutes. Though it can vary so if planning on say being at Magic Kingdom at 9am, best to be at the resort bus stop by 8:15am. If staying off-site remember parking can be up to $20 a day. One note of caution if staying late night for a parade and fireworks, the wait for a bus back to your resort can be up to an hour (sometimes two in the Summer). If staying at the resort and not renting a car, take advantage of the bus ferrying people to and from the airport. They even handle your bags for you at baggage claim.

8.  The Weather - Seeing as its Florida and your basically in the middle of a swamp, there will always be the two bastard stepchildren of Mother Nature: heat and humidity. Can't escape it, so just drink water, lots of water, like a gallon of water. Also in the Summer, just as something stupid coming out of Lindsay Lohan's mouth occurs on a daily basis, so to does a brief mid-afternoon thunderstorm. So pack a poncho, and yes I know it looks dorky, but no one ever looks good in a poncho. Not even Kate Upton(well..maybe).

9. The Meltdowns - It will be inevitable at some point whether due to the heat, the lines, or being simply overwhelmed, your child will have a meltdown. Instead of going Joan Crawford with wire hangers, just calmly deal with it, and once peace has been restored, put a period and move on. A good idea we've found is at the midway point take a day-off and sleep-in, lounge around the pool, etc. Gives your feet a rest, gives everyone's nerves a rest, and allows for some decompression.

10. Getting Your Drink On - Unlike many top flight resorts, there is no all-inclusive drink package so getting sloshed can be very expensive. A regular bottle of Bud Light sells for $6.50 so best to bring your own supply. If you are going to drop a $100 on getting drunk, do it at Epcot's World Showcase. There are 11 nations represented each selling beer and wine native to their country. So you get Peroni in Italy, Sapporo in Japan, Bass Ale in Britian, Moosehead in Canada, and some unpronounceable beer with lots of consonants in Germany. But I remember it was good, real good. The kind they serve at Oktoberfest in Munich. The kind you'll be licking the beer stein for every last drop.

But take it easy since this trip is about family fun and probably with kids in tow someone has to be the responsible adult. You don't want to be the joke of the resort as did a middle-aged mother from Georgia who became that annoying 'WHOO! girl' we all knew in college after a couple of Smirnoffs.

11. The Lines - Depending on the ride and time of year, you can wait anywhere from 0 to 90 minutes for a ride. Luckily Disney has something called a FastPass, where you can pick a select time to go on a ride and then skip the line when your time arrives. However, you can only get one fast pass per ticket at a time, so like nuclear warheads, it must be used strategically. For whatever the reason the rides with longest lines while there were the old school rides like Peter Pan, Winnie the Poo, Dumbo, and the Teacup ride. My guess because these were rides little kids could go on combined with adult nostalgia. When we were there Space Mountain averaged only 20 minutes, but Peter Pan was usually over 70.

Rides worth a 60 minute wait:
Soarin', Mission Space (Epcot),
Space Mountain, Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger ride (Magic Kingdom)



Rides worth a Fast Pass:
Star Wars 3D Adventure, Toy Story arcade game (Hollywood Studios)
Splash Mountain, Thunder Mountain, It's Small World, any of the old-school kiddie rides (Magic Kingdom)
Mount Everest, Dinosaur Adventure (Animal Kingdom)


Rides not worth a second of anyone's time:
Michael Jackson Caption EO (yes, it's still there and yes unbelievably creepy after his recent history)

12. The characters - Best move to meet characters are the character meals where you can kill two birds with one stone. Parents can eat a meal in peace while knocking out several character meet and greets at one time. At both Epcot, MK, and select resorts Mickey and pals do breakfast, lunch, or dinner at different times and locations. If you have a daughter who likes princesses, go for Cinderella's Table (in the castle) where all the old-school princesses come around to each table. If you have boys who like the new-school Disney TV characters there is buffet style lunch in Hollywood Studios with Handy Manny, Agent Oso, etc.

But these character meals sell out months in advance so grab one ASAP after booking. Otherwise you'll have to wait in line sometimes for up to 45 minutes to meet just one character. And you don't need an efficiency expert to tell you that's valuable time wasted. Some characters only appear singularly but worth a wait in line which are Princess Tiana (in Colonial town), Merida (in entrance to Fantasyland), Jasmine (next to Aladdin Magic carpet ride), Mulan (in China at Epcot World showcase), and Tinkerbell (in Adventureland). Plus Hollywood Studios is the only park where you'll find all the Pixar characters.

13. Need to know how long a wait is or where character is appearing? There's an app for that! - Disney does have a cool application called Disney Mobile (no I'm not a paid celebrity endorser) that will tell you real time wait times for rides and times a character is appearing. Everyone else probably has it so no real advantage in getting somewhere first, but at least helps you plan your day. Like sparing having to walk all the way in the back for Thunder Mountain only to arrive and find its out of order, then you get mad, the kids start crying, and the day starts off on the wrong foot.

14. The Shows - Even if musical theater (much less community or high school theater) does not appeal to you some shows are actually pretty good and surprisingly entertaining. If anything they will get you a 20 - 30 minute respite in an air-conditioned theater.

Absolutely Must-See:
Lion King and Finding Nemo both in Animal Kingdom are Broadway quality with laughs for both kids and adults

Also worth your time:
Little Mermaid, Disney Junior, Beauty and the Beast (Hollywood Studios)
Monster Inc. Laugh Factory (MK)

Not actual Disney shows but potentially just as entertaining:
- Watching inebriated people at Germany's Oktoberfest beer garden in Epcot's World Showcase get completely gasfaced. There is something about Oktoberfest that brings out the happy drunk Kraut in all sorts of revelers ranging from college kids to grandmas.
- Marveling at the irony of people smoking cigarettes while complaining about how much walking they have to do.

15. The Money - One of the criticisms of Disney and I think its valid is everywhere you turn they are hawking and selling everything, specifically at the little ones. How clever of
Roy Disney Jr. to place themed souvenir shops at the exit of every big ride. Technically though you do not have to spend a dime other than price of admission if you don't want to. The key is to bring your own snacks, water, sunscreen, stroller, and baby supplies so you can avoid the price gauging inside. As for toys, one thing that worked for us, was each kid got $50, they could spend on anything but once that money was up, that was it.And if didn't like what they selected or saw something better, too bad. It actually can start the process of kids learning to be a discerning consumer.

One trend lately has been Disney pins, which are sold all over the park. There are now whole conventions dedicated around Disney pin swapping. And believe or not, early pins from the 80's are starting to creep to the $1,000 mark. (hello Pawn Stars)

16. So what if someone in my family or party is a complete sourpuss? - If the idea of having a good time rankles some people in your family. An alternate, fun game is called 'The hidden mickeys' because built into each of the parks and architecture are random mouse heads. You can have a contest amongst your group who can find the most hidden mickeys and should be of interest to someone who's not exactly happy at the happiest place on Earth. If actually wagering money on this game, you can cheat over at thehiddenmickeys.com.
 (photo of hidden mickey)
If all else fails simply pull them aside and calmly explain 'We're here to be happy, and if your not happy then please get happy. And if you can't get happy then just sit down and enjoy a nice cold, tall glass of SHUT THE @#$% UP!'

17. So what if someone in my family or party is handicapped or disabled? - One of the big strengths of Disney is they are very accommodating to people with disabilities. Everywhere in the park is wheelchair accessible and many places around Orlando rent scooters for people who are mobility limited and can be delivered right to your room. People with disabilities (and their companions) do not have wait in line for rides or shows as they get ushered right up to the front. Plus, all transportation throughout the parks are wheelchair accesible. But please don't be these people you see at Six Flags all the time who fake a handicap just to get on the rides without a wait. If you do then you really are a buttstain on the shorts of humanity.

18. Whatever You Do Please Don't Do This... - Be one of those families wearing all the same shirt announcing their arrival to Disney. I'm sure it's nice that Lofenburger family from Kenosha, Wisconsin consisting of PopPop, MeeMa, Joanie, Little Ricky, Big Eddie, SweetP, Bucky, Badger, BeckySue, LuAnn, and last but not least Frankie and Annette with their newly adopted twin sons, Aaron Rodgers, Jr. and Cheesehead have all made it to Disney. But honestly no one really cares.

19. It will be inevitable that... - After waiting a long time to go on that long anticipated ride and are now next to get on said ride. Your small child will inform that of course RIGHT NOW they have to go to the potty. Remember, pee early, pee often.

20. And if anything else, just remember this..... - You'll never get to see and do everything there is at Disney in one week. So have each family member make a Top 5 must-do/see/try list and if everyone got to cross off each item from their list then it was a successful trip. Also don't overplan to the point of even scheduling bathroom breaks at five minute intervals because God or fate or karmic energy likes laughing at those who come to Disney with detailed plans. Have structure to your trip but allow flexibility and spontaneity. You'll be surprised at how kids will have no interest in things you thought they would while totally into things you had no idea they would like.

(all photos from Yahoo Image Search or akwardfamilyphotos.com)