Remember back in grade school and getting those Ranger Rick magazines which taught kids all about wild animals and nature? Well here is a useful adult guide in the same vein to the modern corporate office.
The Bunny Rabbit Category: Harmless Creatures sometimes cute who can also be a pest at inopportune times
The Compulsive Printer
Who: Despite electronic storage gaining in leaps and bounds and companies in capability with most companies able to store things digitally. Still insists on printing everything for their records to be stored so in case of that 0.000001% chance they may need to reference that birthday lunch invitation to Chili's.
Can Be Identified By: The one with the most papers sitting around the printer unclaimed.
What To Do when encountered in wild: IF you can, change their default printer to some obscure part of the builiding, and then watch them waste half the day trying to find it.
The Power Typer
Who: Usually old enough to have learned to type on old typewriters, and from the sounds of it is punishing her keyboard for some unseen transgression.
Can Be Identified By: You will know them by their sound and fury. Namely the 'tap,tap,tap,tap,tap' coming from their cube all day long
What To Do when encountered in wild: Requisition a quiet keyboard and after she leaves replace her old one with the new one. Then next day talk in low whispers making her question if she has lost her hearing.
The Overambitious Hotshot out of college
Who: There's healthy ambition. Then there's insanity and this person straddles the line between both. Usually freshly minted form some prestigious (overpriced) college, has designs on running the company by age 35.
Can Be Identified By: The only person in their 20's wearing a suit
What To Do when encountered in wild: Give them an assignment they are sure blow and will demonstrate to 'Junior' there's a big difference between classroom exercises and the real World. Hopefully the message they receive is shut your mouth, open your ears, and learn from more experienced people.
The one-upper, upperer
Who: Regardless of what you've done, wherever you've been or whoever you met. They will have a story that manages to eclipse or top it.
Can Be Identified By: One of these three sentence patterns:
1. 'You did X?, Well I did X and then Y'
Example: 'You've climbed Mt.Kilimanjaro? Cool I once climbed Mt.Everest and then almost died but thankfully that handsome Sherpa carried me to safety. Once I had reached the top of course'
2. 'You did X? Well I did X and (+ or -) Y'
'You've ran 2:03 hours in the half-marathon? Cool, well I once it in 1:46'
3. 'You did X? Well I did X * Y'
'You've met Mick Jagger on an airplane? Well I once met Mick Jagger, backstage with the rest of the Rolling Stones. And David Bowie also'
What To Do when encountered in wild: When in slow times and needing entertainment, tell an obviously fake story (snipe hunt, were a spy for non-existent spy agency) so as to bait the one-upper, upperer while making it so over the top as others will immediately recognize a joke is about to get played. Then respond by picking apart their story until the whole thing falls apart.
The Cheerleader
Who: Who needs Public Relations when you have this person around. Because their lives end and begin with the company and their happiness almost (always) depends on how the company does so they always try to cheer up everyone esle around them.
Can Be Identified By: 'Uh oh sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays'
What To Do when encountered in wild: Smile at whatever she says and if cornered in conversation put brain on autopilot until the cheerleader has safely moved on.
The Former Hippie
Who: Back in the summer love had the dream residing on a egalitarian commune, living off subsistence agriculture while everyone lived in peace and harmony when the Grateful Dead weren't touring. Today she's an office worker working for 'the man'.
Can Be Identified By: Hemp jewelry, psychedelic artwork, peace sign somewhere on handbag, frequent invitations to volunteer at a ferret rescue center during the weekend.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Can be helpful when settling arguments related to classic rock such as which is better to listen to Jimi Hendrix? Weed or acid?
The Raccoon Category: Not threatening but should handle with care
The Girl you wished you hadn't talked to at the office party
Who: YouTube 'Cecily Strong+Saturday Night Live+The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Talked To at The Party'
Will Be identified By: Lack of any consistent train of thought
What To Do when encountered in wild: Once at the realization this person is a few croutons short of a salad, note you need to go to bathroom (and hide).
The Incessant Meeting Planner
Who: Unable to make a decision on their own so must bring all stakeholders to endless meetings to decide trivial items as part of her OCD to support her habit of CYA
Can Be Identified By: Any Outlook Meeting Request (marked urgent of course) for either Monday at 9:00am or Friday at 4:00pm
What To Do when encountered in wild: Accept meetings when only convenient on your time (which is always almost never) and subtly mention some study showing stopping by someone's desk for five minutes is often more productive than calling an hour meeting.
The 'Eggshell' (Aka 'Lee Harvey', aka 'Gregg Popovich', in Market Research companies known as 'The Statistician')
Who: Derives the name from phrase 'being around them is like walking on eggshells'. Usually very smart, highly skilled and proficient providing a important resource to the company. The only problem being they are sort of mentally unstable and possibly nuts.
Can Be Identified By: Gruff demeanor, frazzled clothes and hair, and broken items around their office as evidence of a mercurial temper with a hairpin trigger.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Brilliance takes times and often cannot be rushed as often rudely requested by Sales or Marketing. They're a genius damn it, and results don't just come at 9:03 due to urgent e-mail before the eggshell has had their first cup of coffee! You want answers? You want results? Now? You'll get that summary when I'm G** D*** ready now get the **** out!! (followed by the sound of their 15th coffee mug this month being smashed to pieces against the door)
Key to avoiding such nasty encounters is mentally gauge what time the eggshell is most agreeable and slowly knock on the door and peer in asking 'Is now a good time?' When asking in e-mail begin prose with 'I realize you are very busy most exalted one, but if I may have a some minutes to discuss an idea that you, master of quantitative universe can judge as worthy of you superior intellect I would greatly appreciate it'.
The IT Help Desk Person
Who: For every Mark Zuckerburg, Steve Jobs or misfit who made it big, there are probably about 100,000 of these guys. Approaching middle age and bitter because that awesome World of Warcraft gaming ability never translated to millions for that next big techie idea.
Will Be Identified By: Lack of people skills, retro Atari t-shirt, bad haircut, and barely able to hide contempt at someone with a girlfriend.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Although easy to dismiss, the IT help desk person can be lifesaver because if your PC isn't working, neither are you. So always stay in his good graces with the key being to make him feel real important. So at xmas show a little love with a $50 gift certificate to GameStop, or massage his ego asking which new laptop he would recommend, or agree with his opinion that the original Tron from 1982 did not need a remake. It just needed smarter people to appreciate the neon glow of pre-CGI special effects and marvel at the true brilliance to the foreshadowing of how computers would rule our lives in the future damn it!
The HR Rep
Who: The useful idiot who was never smart enough for their original major in college so fell back on this instead. Capable enough to do basic tasks, but just dumb enough to be manipulated by the company when it has to break bad news.
Can Be Identified By: Look up the word 'tool' in urbandictionary.com
What To Do when encountered in wild: Like hiking past poison oak, best to avoid if possible. If confronted keep at arm's length by limiting conversation to weather, kids, pets, or a sale at Kohl's. Because remember that behind the dimwit exterior is supposed to be the corporate version of a secret police, always listening and always watching.
The Drama Queen
Who: As Shakespeare once noted 'All the World is a stage', the drama queen believes they are the star of their own reality show and all of the day's developments are to be dramatized for all to see. The main problem is no one really cares to see their performance
Can Be Identified By: One way conversation audible on a cellphone to all to hear followed-up by recap for the
What To Do when encountered in wild: Did you know Pandora can be streamed from your computer and with headphones it's like your own personal radio station!
The Cheapskate
Who: Never freely donates any cash to employee led collections whether for birthday gift, charity donation, baby shower gift card, etc. But will gladly take in any of the said benefits.
Can Be Identified By: Declined to chip in for a cake in honor of a soon-to be married co-worker, but will be first one in line to grab a piece.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Most obnoxious at Happy Hour taking a few drinks but leaving without putting money on the table for the group tab. If confronted in such situation utilize your State's '1-800-GRAB-DUI' program
The Black Bear Category: Danger!, Danger!
The Frenemy
Who: Person closest to you in position and salary who is most in competition for a promotion. Will be nice to you in person but behind your back the knives will come out.
Can Be Identified By: 'The humblebrag' which is a passive aggressive move of on the surface being self-effacing but subtextually is the equivalent of doing an office touchdown celebration dance.
Example: 'My boss thinks my report should be published at the next conference but I just don't think it's ready yet'
Translation: 'Not to brag but I'm sort of becoming big deal'
What To Do when encountered in the wild: Be low-key and let them underestimate you and your skills. Then find blindspots from their ego because they reveal the weak spots in their talents. Once found use as the attack point to outperform thereby crushing them and leaving their managerial dreams burning in a pile of twisted wreckage on the side of the road to corporate glory. Or read any chapter in Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' and remember the old WWII submarine phrase 'Run Silent, Run Deadly'
The Accenture Consultant
Who: The outside consulting firm brought in by your company to figure out how to do everything more efficiently is really the white collar grim reaper. And like a virus, spreads to just about every industry or company eventually.
Can Be Identified By: From dress as a walking advertisement for Brooks Brothers sporting a white dress shirt with sport coat (but no tie), loafers, and impeccably ironed khakis. From appearance with impossibly white teeth, perfectly placed hair, and looking too young to be wearing a $500 watch. From demeanor will feature an arrogance that pollutes a room like a spilled bottle of Aqua Velva.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Smile, shake hands, remain calm, quietly walk backward until at your desk. Then quickly update your resume because very often Accenture's high impact solution for everything is 'outsource' everybody's job to India for a lot less. And even if you are spared initial lay-offs their million dollar ideas eventually will not work because outsourcing starting to have negligible return and eventually all that extra work falls to you.
The Office Spouse
Who: The person in the office who other than your spouse you confide everything to.
Can Be Identified By: Often of the opposite sex (but not always) who is your go to smoke break buddy, drinking buddy, coffee buddy, lunch buddy, and the person you are probably talking to right now and sharing this list.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Though the most helpful in helping survive the work week extreme caution must always be present when having an office spouse. Though usually platonic, sometimes an underlying sexual tension becomes present, that line can blurred and the drinking buddy at Happy Hour can become a f*** buddy in the parking lot. And next thing you know the workday (and your evening) just got a lot more complicated.
Work spouses are lot like being on the Coast in the Pacific Northwest watching the wild, rugged ocean waves crash into steep, unforgiving stone cliffs. Beautiful, fulfilling, life affirming but best viewed from a safe distance. And never cross that sign reading 'DANGER: No Solid Ground Below!'
The Admin Assistant
Who: The most important person in your office is not the CEO, CIO, CTO, CFO, Executive VP, Senior VP or just plain director level VP. It's the head honcho's admin assistant. Because corporate politics is lot like the British political system. The CEO is like the reigning monarch, anointed, celebrated, regal, but whose position is mostly ceremonial. Real power lies with the Prime Minister, who in the office is often the highest ranking executive's admin assistant.
Can Be Identified By: Usually overlooked, underestimated, but shown esteemed deference by those who are smart and know where the real power lies.
What To Do when encountered in wild: The power of the admin assistant results from being 'the' only one the top executive trusts with their secrets, fears, and plans. All company business (both public and private) flows through her because she is the gatekeeper to the boss' phone calls, e-mail, and calendar. She is the the all knowing, all seeing oracle who can make or break your future if the boss asks about you.
But she is also wise and will immediately dismiss all attempts at brownosing, meaningless flattery, or all around schmuckery. Pity those who treat her beneath them as if merely a 'lowly secretary' for their career advancement is doomed. Because one simply does not walk into the admin assistant's office and begin currying favor. Only those whose hearts are noble, intentions true, and deeds just can gain the trust and magic blessing of the admin assistant. That and an occasional bribe of homemade cookies doesn't hurt either.
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