So here's how it works, 32 of the top teams from around the World are placed into groups of four creating eight groups. The four teams in each group play round-robin style with the top 2 teams from each group advancing into the Sweet Sixteen and play single elimination until one country wins the whole thing and collectively has a party for the ages. Now here's the bad news for American soccer fans: The US soccer team is SCREWED. They've been placed in the so-called 'Group of Death' with Germany, Portugal, and Ghana all of whom are global powerhouses. Wait you say, Ghana? Yes Ghana. The same Ghana that knocked out the US out of the past two World Cups and was a missed penalty kick away from advancing to the semi-finals last time. So it's safe to say the US chance of winning is similar to Victoria Justice's aspiring singing career in that both can be described as Not.Gonna.Happen
So who to root for then? Let's start with the Top 16 teams based on an index of soccer history, FIFA rankings, mathematical algorithms....ohh who are we kidding it's combination of places I'd want to visit, places that sound cool, or just plain sentimental value
The Sweet Sixteen
Brazil - The name itself conjures up a party, and dancing and gorgeous beaches and beautiful people. There's a reason Duran Duran named a song called 'Rio' and not 'Bakersfield'
Mexico - Have you ever had authentic Mexican cuisine? Not the Amercianized version but the true cuisine. It would be my last meal on Earth
Spain - Because it houses the best place on Earth to die, Asturias. Googling images from Asturias is like travel porn.
Costa Rica - One word. Beaches!
Australia - Sort of like how I would imagine America would be like if Britain had defeated George Washington
Greece - When I need a happy place at work to daydream to, I usually default to the Greek isles. Bonus points for the Gyro
Uruguay - Hands down the coolest uniform in the tourney. You can never go wrong wearing sky blue.
Plus their flag has a smiling Sun. It just seems like a happy place.
Maybe from being the first country in the World to completely legalize weed
England - Seeing as they supply the world with all the great actors they advance on that alone. Plus what man isn't a sucker for a woman with a British accent?
Italy - Rome, Tuscany, Milan, Venice, pasta yada, yada, yada we get it. Moving on
Bosnia-Herzegovina - Given everything this country has been through how can you not root for it?
Argentina - Is there any other word in the Spanish language more cooler than Gaucho? I don't think so. Plus the beef the gauchos produce is out of this World. (Yeah that's right Texas you heard me. You can suck a bull's testicle. You basically stole the cowboy image from Latin America)
Germany - Ummm, beer
Portugal - Scientific fact, everything sounds better in Portuguese
Belgium - Ummm, beer! And chocolate! But not together. That makes for horrendous time in the bathroom
South Korea - China may have the power, Japan may have the money and Hello Kitty. But South Korea brings the swagger.
Cameroon - Best nickname in the tourney 'The Indomitable Lions', plus the jerseys are so cool you go to the nightclub after you're done playing the game
Advancing to the Quarterfinals
Brazil - Must have some ungodly gene pool because it's the leading producer of Victoria's Secret supermodels
Spain - Sorry France but the title for best European cuisine goes to Spain. Tapas bars. Fucking Brilliant!
Australia - Sort of like how I would imagine America would be like if we all lived in California
Uruguay - Seriously can we talk about the sky blue unis? Stylish, sharp, sophisticated. I want to buy a major soccer club in Europe so I can change the uniforms to sky blue
England - Admit it, who hasn't secretly wanted to sarcastically address their boss in a London, Cockney accent with 'Hello Guv'nor'
Germany - Props for giving the World perhaps the greatest hot dog condiment, sauerkraut
Argentina - Buenos Aires. Because when's the last time someone said "I want to escape to somewhere sophisticated, trendy, worldly cosmopolitan, and beautiful. I need to get away to Oklahoma City"? Exactly
Cameroon - At some point I think we'd all want to see a nation from the African continent shock the World
Advancing to the Semi-Finals
Brazil - I always found it cool how the really good Brazilian players always go by just their first name: Pele, Ronaldo, Zico, Romario. This year's edition is Neymar. They probably never ever have to worry about getting into the good restaurants. Neymar would just walk in and when the maitre'd asks if he has a reservation, he could be like 'Reservation? Bitch I'm Neymar'
Australia - Sort of like how I would imagine Canada would be like if they had warm weather and were a lot more outgoing
England - Tough call as Germany almost squeaked in if not for their penchant for poop videos and marching in lockstep to 1940's military music. But seeing as England gave the World soccer..urr...football they get the win. Plus the clincher was perhaps the greatest smacktalk of all time when English fans reminded German fans 'Two World Wars and One World Cup!' Burn! Seriously how do you create a snappy comeback for that one?
Uruguay - No really. Those fucking sky blue uniforms! Seriously people how are you not winning at life when you wear that sky blue uniform?
The Finals
Brazil and Australia proved to be dogged battle as both have fish, plants and animals that can kill you. But the Aussies pull it out through a war of attrition as anytime I watch National Geographic specials about the Amazon my response is usually 'That's a big heaping pile of HELL NO!'
Sadly, the sky blue unis could not advance Uruguay past England as Emma Watson proves to be too much for the Uruguayan defense let alone any man to handle
So in the end it's Australia and England left standing
The Winner
Given England's history of excruciating defeats in the World Cup due to missed penalty kicks did you think this year's tournament would end any differently?
England in penalty kicks situations is like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football with Lucy holding: It Just Never Ends Well.
Australia tops England because of the narrowest of margins: the weather
So who will I be rooting for: Australia
