Black Friday Madness, Insane Clown Posse, and Belguim = Anarchists' Paradise

by Jason Neal

From The Annals of Chutzpah - In an attempt to clear their good names and protect whatever is left of their once grand fortune. The Non-indicted members of the Madoff family (so far) have written a tell-all arguing they knew nothing of Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme, that essentially boils down to: 'Even though we had no idea where the $2 Billion came from, we just cashed the checks and assumed he got it waiting tables or something'.

Legal analysts when asked if this strategy would work replied 'Uh good luck with that.' So best strategy for the Madoffs is to change their name, go to some faraway country, and just disappear. Because there is a reason you never meet anybody with the last name of Ponzi anymore.

The latest Terror Threat To America - Juggalos, the self-described fan base of the rap duo Insane Clown Posse (see photo) who may or not may be some post-modernist, absurdist comedy act were labeled a gang by the FBI. But lest Juggalos get confused for Bloods, Crips, or Hell's Angels, loitering in the parking lot of the local 7-11, while wearing facepaint and drinking Diet Faygo would not exactly be construed by prison lifers as 'hard core'

Look out middle America, it's your worst nightmare

NBA Lockout Avoided - Thankfully only about 15 games of a 82 regular season had to be cancelled (and you thought NASCAR dragged on forever). This will undoubtedly spare the most vulnerable and I speak of the entourages of the players of course. Those unsung heroes who make sure the Escalade is ready for that 2:30am ride to the strip club and there are enough dollar bills to make it rain. And you can really blowout your thumbs handling haters on a players Twitter account.

America Is Now Officially China's Bitch - The US Military backed out of a deal to sell Taiwan several fighter jets, officially saying it did not want to escalate tensions between China and Taiwan whom China considers a renegade province and gets miffed when Taiwan's dogs poops on it's yard. In reality its because US is so indebted to China that all the Beijing has to do to destroy America is call in the debt. So Taiwan, it was nice knowing you.

Belgium: The Hot New Destination for Anarchists - From April 2010 through December 2011, Belgium was officially without a government after its Parliament could not produce a ruling majority marking a European record for longest period without a government. No economic collapse, or chaos or societal breakdown were reported. Just Belgians carrying on at what they do best namely drinking beer, making chocolate, and holding a 200 year old grudge with the French. Many people wonder if the US would prosper without central Gov't but that's pure hogwash. Because corporate lobbyists would be out of a job.

Oil Isn't the only natural resource about to run out - Remember when coffee cost a nickel? In the near future we may be saying 'Remember when coffee only cost $20?' Thanks in part to the rapid growing middle class in the developing World who have formed an insatiable demand for coffee. And global warming where new research from the International Centre for Tropical Agriculture warned it would become too hot to grow coffee in many the world's main producers like Ghana and Ivory Coast by 2050.


So that Cup O' Joe may end up being called Cup O' MY God, You Want Me To Pay What?

Does It Actually Pay To Be Nice? - According to Guido Heineck of the Inst. for Employment Research the answer is No. His study published in Industrial and Labor Relations Review he found a negative relationship between earnings and agreeableness. So in other words the bigger asshole you are, the more likely you are to make more than your co-workers. But also presumably there is a negative relationship between being a prick and odds of being invited to happy hour.

...which probably explains Wall Street Bankers' Success - Traders on Wall Street boycotted Mario Batali's restaurant Babbo in New York's financial district after he likened them to Stalin or Hitler. One unnamed trader complained to Wall Street Journal 'I can't believe I just spent $4,000 there the other night' which highlights why Occupy Wall Street exists. How many Americans in this economy can afford to drop $4,000 on a restaurant tab for trendy Italian food? And Wall Streeters wonder why the other 99% hate them.

You Go Girl! - Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback got owned by a high school senior in what quite possibly is the most pathetic display of power in American politics. After 18 year-old Emma Sullivan trashed Gov.Douchebag Brownback via Twitter, aids to Brownback who saw the tweet tattled to her high school principal who demanded Sullivan write an apology. But Sullivan refused reminding said Principal that First Amendment rights of US Constitution still apply to teenagers and took to the web to call out the Governor as a whining, crying, little bitch which goes viral and Brownback is forced to actually apologize to Sullivan. That kids is how you take on oversensitive, hypocritical, blowhard politicians.

So Much for All That - Herman Cain, millionaire, former CEO of God Awful urr Godfather's pizza and a straight up playa' quit his Presidential campaign after allegations of sexual harassment and adultery. In defense of Cain on two fronts, first I'm sure in the pizza business there is legitimate use of the phrase 'Hey Baby, would you like some hot sausage in your pie'. Second, carrying on an affair for 13 years is still longer than any monogamous relationship Newt Gingrich ever had.

NEW RULE - If you pepper spray other people waiting in line at Wal-Mart or step over a dying elderly man to get last $9.99 DVD player during Black Friday you are officially insane - I know they call it Black Friday Madness but really that's just an expression. The sudden disappearance of tanning beds from the Jersey Shore probably would not elicit as much hysteria. Because technically Christmas is about the birth of Jesus and if he were here he would tell everyone waiting for Target to open at midnight to calm the fuck down.






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