My Unnecessary Guide To the 2012 Republican Presidential Primaries

Warning: The following has been satirized for your protection. Photos courtesy of Wonkette



Since the Washington Post political reporting is staffed by a bunch of idiots, Fox News are bunch of corporate shills, and NYT's Maureen Dowd is an overrated hack. I thought I would bring you the only political analysis of the Republican Presidential Primary that really matters. Otherwise known as I read political blogs so you don't have to.


Here I evaluate each candidate rating their threat to Obama in Joe Biden BFD units (Big Fuckin Deal). This score ranges from 4 (Causes Obama to get gray hairs and need a cigarette) to 0 (Obama can start making plans for his Second Term Inauguration).


The Corporate Establishment Bracket


Mitt Romney

Romney surveys his fiefdom

You might know him as - Former Governor of Massachusetts


Strengths - Republicans like their nominees to look 'presidential' and Romney looks like he came straight from central casting for the part. Essentially the man bankers are counting on to keep the Bush tax cuts going.


Weaknesses - Has managed to take both sides of every issue at some point in his political career depending upon which way the wind blows. Also he created universal health care reform in Massachusetts which looks oddly similar to the one Obama instituted.


BFD Meter - 4


Jon Huntsman

That's Huntsman with an H not C

You might know him as - Former Governor of Utah and US Ambassador to China

Strengths - Moderate with ability to raise conservative talking points without scaring the off Independent voters. Has good hair, Also his daughters are hot which should excite Maxim readers (see below).




Sadly reporters were more interested in his daughters


Weaknesses - His moderate tone probably won't play well with the typical evangelical, Southern conservative who like their politics deep-fried. Neither will his stint as Ambassador to China where he was appointed by...Obama


BFD Meter - 2


Newt Gingrich


Asshat sold separately


You might know him as - Former Speaker of the House of Representatives, History professor, Bill Clinton's arch-nemesis, professional asshole

Strengths - The ultimate shape-shifter. A politician who can survive in just about any political landscape. Can raise money from Wall Streeters in the one day and spend it posing as a fire breathing populist to the Tea Party in the next.

Weaknesses - Never met a microphone he didn't like which leads to a daily helping of him looking like gasbag. Thus as voters get to know him the less they tend to like him. His serial adultery won't play well with the Born Again Christian crowd.


BFD Meter - 2.5




The Tea Party/Religious Right Bracket (aka The people clinging to their guns and religion)


Rick Perry



Clearly compensating for something

  You might know him as - Current Governor of Texas


Strengths - Can bring the Southern good ol' boy charm along with the good hair and rap that speaks to the NASCAR race fan voting bloc. Has managed irritate Karl Rove which gives him Anti-Establishment cred that Tea Partyers crave.

Weaknesses - 'There are three departments that I will cut as President: Education, Commerce, and uh...uh....umm....(90 seconds later)...uh..Oooops..can't think of the third'
Nothing like having a brain fart on Nationally televised debate.


BFD Meter - 2


Michele Bachmann




I'm crazy like a fox...or just crazy

 You might know her as - Current Congresswoman from Minnesota


Strengths - Went Tea Party before it was cool to go Tea Party among GOP power players. While some dismiss her as crank, may have have Machiavellian instincts to dial up just enough crazy to appeal to the Far Right but stay under the mainstream media's radar.


Weaknesses - May actually be batshit crazy. Seems to have problem reconciling some her claims to anything resembling reality.


BFD Meter - 1


Rick Santorum




She googles 'Santorum'

 You might know him as - Former US Senator from Pennsylvania


Strengths - The Religious Right's preferred candidate after publicly stating he would outlaw Abortion and thinks all contraceptives should be banned which secretly gets Pat Robertson aroused.


Weaknesses - Google 'Santorum'...seriously...do it...no really...you've got try it!


BFD Meter - 1




The Libertarian Bracket (aka Conservatives who like to smoke weed and watch South Park)


Ron Paul




Paul and his freedom loving, tax hating groupies

You might know him as - Current Congressman from Texas

Strengths - Quite possibly the only man in Washington who actually says AND does what he believes. Has been the only Republican to voice concerns about War on Terror infringing on civil liberties.


Weaknesses - As patron saint of the Ayn Rand crowd is not afraid to say he would dismantle Medicare and Social Security which considering retired voters are major voting bloc means he has a snowball's chance in Hell in a general election. Karl Rove would burn down the GOP convention before allowing Paul to get the party's nomination.


BFD Meter - 2


Gary Johnson


You might know him as - Former Governor of New Mexico


Strengths - Popular governor in a largely Democratic state and possibly only Governor to ever sport a pony tail. Bears a strong resemblance to 'The Dude' in the Big Lebowski


Weaknesses - Wants to legalize marijuana and reform immigration which puts him squarely against the law and order crowd.


BFD Meter - 1




The Not.Gonna.Happen.Ever Bracket (BFD Meter for each name below sums up to 0 POINT 0)


Buddy Roemer




You might know him as - Former Congressman and Governor of Louisiana


Strengths - Served both State and Federal level.....


Weaknesses - Served both State and Federal level...as a Democrat in the 80's


Thaddeus McCodder


You might know him as - You probably don't but Current Congressman from Michigan


Strengths - Thaddeus who?


Weaknesses - see above


Fred Karger


You might know him as - You almost certainly never have but he was political consultant if you really need to know


Strengths - First openly gay politician to run for President


Weaknesses - First openly gay politician to run for President...for the GOP nomination...in a party that virulently anti-Gay. Good luck with that sir.


Gone but not forgotten:
Herman Cain (His endorsement could be key)


Gone and very much forgotten:
Sarah Palin
Tim Pawlenty


And the WINNER of the GOP Primary will be: Mitt Romney! Gingrich and Perry split the Religious Right/Tea Party/Batshit Crazy voters who make up the Anyone but Romney contingent which provides Mittens the opening he needs pass through to the Winner's circle. Ron Paul continues his Don Quixote'esque quest for the Presidency which ends up like a cult TV show: has rabid, cult following but falls far short in terms of actual votes and ends up cancelled.


And the WINNER of the 2012 Presidential election will be: TOSS UP! Essentially a replay of 2004 where a vulnerable incumbent faces a flawed challenger. Whoever wins it will be a 51-49 split.


Forget Meet The Press since David Gregory is an absolute tool...because THIS could be the key to deciding the 2012 race: The dark horse for running mate would be Marco Rubio, US Senator from Florida. A Romney/Rubio combo would peel away two big voting groups Obama would need: white college educated professionals and Hispanics.