by Jason Neal
I'll never be famous or important enough to be asked by Vanity Fair to fill out their iconic Proust questionnaire. But doesen't mean I can't try:
What is your idea of perfect happiness: Sitting on a beach in Aruba with my wife and a bucket of Heineken
What is your greatest fear: Leaving for work one morning and never being able to come back home to my family like the victims in the World Trade Center.
What historical figure do you most identify with: Sir Winston Churchill
What trait do you most deplore in yourself: Timidity
What trait do you most deplore in Others: Arrogance
What is your greatest extravagance: Enjoying a good beer while smoking a cigar
What is your favorite journey: Back roads of Arizona
What do you consider the most overrated virtue: Piousness
Which living person do you most admire: Aung San Suu Kyi, Burmese Democratic Opposition Leader
Which living person do you most despise: Charles & David Koch, CEO's of Koch Industries and any 'Koch'sucker politician who takes their money.
On what occasion do you lie: Spare someones feelings or prevent a bad decision
What do you dislike about your appearance: When you have cleft lip its pretty obvious
Which words or phrases do you most overuse: I'll get to it later
What is your biggest regret: Not keeping in touch with friends from childhood
When and where are you most happiest: Quality time with family where all four of us are in a sublimely happy state which the outside world cannot interrupt.
Which talent would you most like to have: Comedic timing
What is current state of mind: Rushed bordering on edgy
If could change one thing about self what would it be: Normal looking upper lip
If could change about family what would it be: Parents both still alive
If you come back as anything, what would it be: A ghost in the White House
What is most treasured possession: Wedding bands from parents and grandparents
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery: Being in a work meeting that has nothing to do with you on a busy day knowing its an hour of your life that you will, never, ever get back.
Where would you like to live: St.Ives, Cornwall in England
What is your favorite occupation: Social Worker
What quality you most like in a man: Integrity
What quality you most like in a woman: Humor
What do you most value in friends: Honesty
Who are your favorite authors: Irvine Welsh, Nick Hornby, Ken Kesey
What favorite hero of fiction: Atticus Finch
What favorite hero of real life: Morris Dees, Civil Rights lawyer, founder of the Southern Poverty Law Center and modern day Atticus Finch
What is it that you most dislike: The moneyed, corporate interests that have far too much influence in our political system.
How would you like to die: Peacefully, painlessly on a Cornish beach
What is your motto: 'Onward and Upward, Always'
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Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
It's Your 2011 ROSSY AWARDS!!!
These awards originated out of my fraternity from college, and celebrated all of our best (or worst) moments drunkenness, debauchery, and just plain moments of stupidity. Today we're grown up and so to have The Rossys as we celebrate the best in salacious achievements throughout the World!
The Happy Hour Lasted An Hour Too Long Award - A inebriated Arizona Cardinals fan in Phoenix decided to celebrate a rare victory by masturbating in a motel parking lot. When confronted by police, said fan responded by inviting them 'To Come Get Some'. Instead Police invited him to get some at the Maricopa County jail where there were probably others in his condition more willing to take his offer.
Best Moment of Law Enforcement Not Featured on TV Show Cops - A woman in Gurnee,IL was arrested for assaulting an officer with a dildo after a traffic stop. Sadly no video exists of said assault but when asked by Prosecutors to describe the weapon, officers noted the weapon in their police report as a 'clear, rigid, feminine, pleasure device'
The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence: Field Trip Category - Eighth grade students from Berwick, PA who took a trip to the Baltimore Aquarium got an extra special treat for lunch: Hooters! Known as the place for wings, beer, and uh other things, where undoubtedly boys had no complaints and girls could determine how far along they were in training bras. When parents complained the local school board defended the lunch as providing well rounded education (unsure if pun was intended). But on the plus side there was increase in fathers volunteering to chaperon on next year's trip.
The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence: The Improved Literacy Category - First graders at Emerson Elementary School near Los Angeles as a part of a 'Reading Is Fun' campaign got a special treat as a celebrity read to them in class. Not just any celebrity but porn star Sasha Grey, 2010 AVN winner (The Oscars of Porn) for Best Anal Sex scene. Reportedly Grey enjoyed the experience since most porn scripts are written only at a elementary reading level though many parents were not amused. Luckily for school admins the furor died down quickly when offended parents were asked 'If you don't watch porn than how do you know Sasha Grey?' An awkward silence usually followed from the Dads then typically responding 'Well, on second thought what harm is there in learning reading'
Best Impersonation of Cop by A Transsexual Hooker - Police in Baltimore, MD received several reports of motorists being pulled over and having their licenses taken by a man impersonating a cop...while dressed as a woman...with a blond wig...wearing long, knee high leather boots...and fishnet stockings. To date him (or her) has not been found, nor have any of the licenses have been recovered. However some male victims reported they were stunned but not completely turned-off, and found the whole situation strangely curious.
The Fly The Friendly Skies Award: Celebrity Category - French actor Gerard Depardieu was kicked off an Air France flight from Paris to Dublin for urinating on the floor of First Class shortly after takeoff. After being refused use of a lavatory, Depardieu protested by relieving the contents of the complimentary champagne in front of the stewardesses. We are fairly certain somewhere in America a braindead local news anchor reporting the story made the obvious pun 'First Class clearly isn't what it used to be, Haha...now onto Weather...'
The Fly The Friendly Skies Award: Disgruntled Employee Category - Passengers aboard an overnight Virgin Atlantic flight from Orlando, FL to Glasgow, Scotland received a warm, friendly wake-up call of 'Good morning, you cunts!' Allegedly, the message was intended for crew but accidentally went out to the whole plane. However seeing as most of the passengers were Scottish, the c-word may be have been taken as a term of endearment.
Best Fight: Non-Drinking Category - Police in the village of Xuzhou in the Jiangsu province of China were called to break up a melee among 200 villagers resulting from a local father using strippers as entertainment for his son's wedding. According to eyewitness reports men initially were fighting to get a better look at the show, but when wives arrived the reason switched to 'Were shocked, shocked to find nude dancing here' and the brawl escalated form there.
Best Fight: Drinking Category - A Thanksgiving dinner in Racine, WI turned sour when the 23-year boyfriend of the host was arrested for threatening another guest with a butcher knife after they took his favorite seat at the dinner table. Allegedly adding to the comedic aspect was the perpetrator being 5'3" tall and the guest being over 6'0" and able hold attacker at bay with simply having long arms.
Best Riot Not Involving European Soccer Fans or a Chuck E Cheese - In Greece, fans of Panathininaikos BC celebrated a European Basketball League playoff victory over Barcelona by setting fire to their own arena. In response to the incident FIBA the basketball governing authority said typical arena party songs 'The Roof Is On Fire' and 'Burning Down The House' would no longer be played. In a related sports note, Panathinaikos BC would go on to win the European Basketball Championship which represented another championship that Lebron James and Miami Heat did not win.
The Cheech and Chong Award - Rhode Island State Assemblyman Robert Watson this Spring was arrested for DUI and pot possession after being stopped at a DUI checkpoint. What clinched the Rossy for Rep. Watson was days earlier while criticizing the State's Legislature, he was quoted saying Rhode Island would become a great place for 'A Gay Guatemalan who likes to gamble and smoke marijuana'. Political analysts noted the bizarre nature of the incident noting Sen. Watson was neither gay, nor Guatemalan, nor had any history of gambling.
The Ethics In New Jersey Politics Award - Jersey City councilman Steven Lipski was arrested for urinating from the balcony of Washington D.C. music club onto patrons below listening to a Phish cover band. Luckily for the councilman, there were no serious repercussions since most people agree that A) music from Phish in general sucks and B) anyone who would pay money to see a Phish cover band probably deserves to be urinated on.
Best Use of Prostitution - A Physics professor named David Flory at Fairleigh-Dickinson University in New Jersey was fired for his creative way to supplement his teaching income consisting of running a brothel out of his New Mexico vacation home. Colleagues became suspicious when good professor started showing up to his lectures wearing gold chains, walking around with a cane, and telling students 'Bitch better have my term paper'.
Best Combination of Prostitution and/or Illegal Drugs - Many civic minded groups often face the challenge for fundraising. But one Mummer's group in Philadelphia found an very profitable method to raise funds for their float in the annual New Year's parade...a cocaine and hookers party!
Philly Police sent undercover cops to investigate whether the Downtown Fancy Brigade, a Mummer's group was selling liquor without a license in their clubhouse and found out they were selling more...much more. It what could only be described as The Shriners meet Scarface, the end result were arrests of 10 prostitutes, 15 johns, a gun, and enough cocaine to fuel Lindsay Lohan for a week. And the brigade's Treasurer there to make sure they got a cut of the action. No word if The 4H Club were planning on adding some new elements to their annual Country Line Dance hoedown.
Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - A 34 year old in Vermont man was arrested for vandalizing his ex-girlfriend's car, but what caught the Rossy committee's attention was the part where he misspelled the word 'Slut' on the hood. The suspect was arrested by Police, while being questioned,when they asked him to spell out 'Slut' which he then wrote as 'Sult', same spelling as was spray-painted on the car.
The Gordon Ramsey Award for Best Restaurant Moment - The Chili's Southwestern Chicken can come in spicy flavor but one women eating at their Albuquerque, NM restaurant really got spicy when she pierced her tongue with a needle. Around that same moment in the kitchen a line cook was saying 'Hey Man, I got to divvy up this marijuana for sale after my shift, anyone seen my hairpin I normally use to roll joints? I left it by the chicken...Oh, (Bleep)!'
After that experience, Chili's figured a $50 dinner coupon probably wasn't enough to make up for needing a Tetanus shot and the woman's lawyers agreed as they presumably paid a large sum of money for her to eat at TGIFridays from now on.
The Charlie Sheen Award for Epic Achievement In Partying - From an anonymous forwarded e-mail detailing how a mid, 20-something aged male working in a large business firm in Chicago decided to regale his co-workers with his adventures the previous evening. His story detailed the following:
- How trashed he got at company softball game
- Afterward,at the bar he got into a altercation with a teammate when he made unwanted advances to that person's girlfriend
- Tells how lucky he was not to get a DUI driving around Chicago later that night trolling for hookers.
- Woke up next morning covered in his own puke
- Came into work late and was probably still drunk
Said employee detailed all of this in an e-mail....sent to the entire company. Reportedly shortly afterward this employee was summoned to Human Relations and subsequently never heard from again. Whoever you are Mr.'Because Thats How I Roll' the Rossy committee salutes you.
The LeBron James Flaming Asshole of the Year Award - Alasdair Thompson, CEO of the Employers and Manufacturers Association of New Zealand in a morning radio interview blamed women for low productivity and higher cost citing menstruation and child birth: "Because you know, once a month they have sick problem. Not all women, but some do. They have children and they have to take leave off"
Thompson barely made it to that afternoon before having to quickly apologize but similar to a carload of baby shit being thrown into a large Industrial fan, the damage was done and he was out of a job. Although Thompson did not say so publicly, we are pretty certain he would be in favor women giving birth if child slave labor was legal.
The Karma Is A Bitch Award sponsored by Chick Fil'A - A man in Delano, CA who was participating in an illegal cockfight died after...wait for it.....accidentally being stabbed in throat by his Rooster. No really you are allowed laugh at this.
The 2011 Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee - A man in Connecticut was arrested for insurance fraud, identity theft, and a litany of other charges after posing as a severely brain damaged patient so home health nurses would come to his house and care for him. The payoff for this gentleman particularly was the part where they would clean up after he made a dooty....because he had a Infantalism fetish. Unfortunately the gig was up when a nurse who came early caught him walking around, smoking a cigarette, sans adult diaper. The Rossy Committee suggests to Mr.Brain Freeze-Poopy Pants that surely there must have been a Craiglist section for that kinda of thing. And willing participants probably come cheaper than a home health aide, too!
The 2011 Rossy Lifetime Achievement Award - In times of great uncertainty, there have been great orators who encapsulated the wisdom needed to persevere. Whether it was the American Civil War (Abraham Lincoln and The Gettysburg Address), Darkest Days of WWII ('We shall never give up, We shall never surrender' from Winston Churchill), or crossroads of the Civil Rights Movement (Martin Luther King and his 'I Have a Dream' speech)
For these troubled times of 2011, with economic turmoil in Europe, political upheaval in the Mideast, and America having a crisis of confidence. The Rossy committee could find strength and comfort in the wisdom of one Carlos Estevez aka Charlie Sheen. From his interview on ABC News which will one day be engraved in stone:
'I'm on a drug and it's called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available, because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, “Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!” …
I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, had to unload 22 years of fiction … the fiction of A.A. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning.
I’m dealing with fools and trolls. They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives, and then they look at me and they say, “I can’t process it.” Well, no, you never will. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.'
So to summarize the 2011 Rossy Awards: WINNING!
.
The Happy Hour Lasted An Hour Too Long Award - A inebriated Arizona Cardinals fan in Phoenix decided to celebrate a rare victory by masturbating in a motel parking lot. When confronted by police, said fan responded by inviting them 'To Come Get Some'. Instead Police invited him to get some at the Maricopa County jail where there were probably others in his condition more willing to take his offer.
Best Moment of Law Enforcement Not Featured on TV Show Cops - A woman in Gurnee,IL was arrested for assaulting an officer with a dildo after a traffic stop. Sadly no video exists of said assault but when asked by Prosecutors to describe the weapon, officers noted the weapon in their police report as a 'clear, rigid, feminine, pleasure device'
The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence: Field Trip Category - Eighth grade students from Berwick, PA who took a trip to the Baltimore Aquarium got an extra special treat for lunch: Hooters! Known as the place for wings, beer, and uh other things, where undoubtedly boys had no complaints and girls could determine how far along they were in training bras. When parents complained the local school board defended the lunch as providing well rounded education (unsure if pun was intended). But on the plus side there was increase in fathers volunteering to chaperon on next year's trip.
The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence: The Improved Literacy Category - First graders at Emerson Elementary School near Los Angeles as a part of a 'Reading Is Fun' campaign got a special treat as a celebrity read to them in class. Not just any celebrity but porn star Sasha Grey, 2010 AVN winner (The Oscars of Porn) for Best Anal Sex scene. Reportedly Grey enjoyed the experience since most porn scripts are written only at a elementary reading level though many parents were not amused. Luckily for school admins the furor died down quickly when offended parents were asked 'If you don't watch porn than how do you know Sasha Grey?' An awkward silence usually followed from the Dads then typically responding 'Well, on second thought what harm is there in learning reading'
Best Impersonation of Cop by A Transsexual Hooker - Police in Baltimore, MD received several reports of motorists being pulled over and having their licenses taken by a man impersonating a cop...while dressed as a woman...with a blond wig...wearing long, knee high leather boots...and fishnet stockings. To date him (or her) has not been found, nor have any of the licenses have been recovered. However some male victims reported they were stunned but not completely turned-off, and found the whole situation strangely curious.
The Fly The Friendly Skies Award: Celebrity Category - French actor Gerard Depardieu was kicked off an Air France flight from Paris to Dublin for urinating on the floor of First Class shortly after takeoff. After being refused use of a lavatory, Depardieu protested by relieving the contents of the complimentary champagne in front of the stewardesses. We are fairly certain somewhere in America a braindead local news anchor reporting the story made the obvious pun 'First Class clearly isn't what it used to be, Haha...now onto Weather...'
The Fly The Friendly Skies Award: Disgruntled Employee Category - Passengers aboard an overnight Virgin Atlantic flight from Orlando, FL to Glasgow, Scotland received a warm, friendly wake-up call of 'Good morning, you cunts!' Allegedly, the message was intended for crew but accidentally went out to the whole plane. However seeing as most of the passengers were Scottish, the c-word may be have been taken as a term of endearment.
Best Fight: Non-Drinking Category - Police in the village of Xuzhou in the Jiangsu province of China were called to break up a melee among 200 villagers resulting from a local father using strippers as entertainment for his son's wedding. According to eyewitness reports men initially were fighting to get a better look at the show, but when wives arrived the reason switched to 'Were shocked, shocked to find nude dancing here' and the brawl escalated form there.
Best Fight: Drinking Category - A Thanksgiving dinner in Racine, WI turned sour when the 23-year boyfriend of the host was arrested for threatening another guest with a butcher knife after they took his favorite seat at the dinner table. Allegedly adding to the comedic aspect was the perpetrator being 5'3" tall and the guest being over 6'0" and able hold attacker at bay with simply having long arms.
Best Riot Not Involving European Soccer Fans or a Chuck E Cheese - In Greece, fans of Panathininaikos BC celebrated a European Basketball League playoff victory over Barcelona by setting fire to their own arena. In response to the incident FIBA the basketball governing authority said typical arena party songs 'The Roof Is On Fire' and 'Burning Down The House' would no longer be played. In a related sports note, Panathinaikos BC would go on to win the European Basketball Championship which represented another championship that Lebron James and Miami Heat did not win.
The Cheech and Chong Award - Rhode Island State Assemblyman Robert Watson this Spring was arrested for DUI and pot possession after being stopped at a DUI checkpoint. What clinched the Rossy for Rep. Watson was days earlier while criticizing the State's Legislature, he was quoted saying Rhode Island would become a great place for 'A Gay Guatemalan who likes to gamble and smoke marijuana'. Political analysts noted the bizarre nature of the incident noting Sen. Watson was neither gay, nor Guatemalan, nor had any history of gambling.
The Ethics In New Jersey Politics Award - Jersey City councilman Steven Lipski was arrested for urinating from the balcony of Washington D.C. music club onto patrons below listening to a Phish cover band. Luckily for the councilman, there were no serious repercussions since most people agree that A) music from Phish in general sucks and B) anyone who would pay money to see a Phish cover band probably deserves to be urinated on.
Best Use of Prostitution - A Physics professor named David Flory at Fairleigh-Dickinson University in New Jersey was fired for his creative way to supplement his teaching income consisting of running a brothel out of his New Mexico vacation home. Colleagues became suspicious when good professor started showing up to his lectures wearing gold chains, walking around with a cane, and telling students 'Bitch better have my term paper'.
Best Combination of Prostitution and/or Illegal Drugs - Many civic minded groups often face the challenge for fundraising. But one Mummer's group in Philadelphia found an very profitable method to raise funds for their float in the annual New Year's parade...a cocaine and hookers party!
Philly Police sent undercover cops to investigate whether the Downtown Fancy Brigade, a Mummer's group was selling liquor without a license in their clubhouse and found out they were selling more...much more. It what could only be described as The Shriners meet Scarface, the end result were arrests of 10 prostitutes, 15 johns, a gun, and enough cocaine to fuel Lindsay Lohan for a week. And the brigade's Treasurer there to make sure they got a cut of the action. No word if The 4H Club were planning on adding some new elements to their annual Country Line Dance hoedown.
Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - A 34 year old in Vermont man was arrested for vandalizing his ex-girlfriend's car, but what caught the Rossy committee's attention was the part where he misspelled the word 'Slut' on the hood. The suspect was arrested by Police, while being questioned,when they asked him to spell out 'Slut' which he then wrote as 'Sult', same spelling as was spray-painted on the car.
The Gordon Ramsey Award for Best Restaurant Moment - The Chili's Southwestern Chicken can come in spicy flavor but one women eating at their Albuquerque, NM restaurant really got spicy when she pierced her tongue with a needle. Around that same moment in the kitchen a line cook was saying 'Hey Man, I got to divvy up this marijuana for sale after my shift, anyone seen my hairpin I normally use to roll joints? I left it by the chicken...Oh, (Bleep)!'
After that experience, Chili's figured a $50 dinner coupon probably wasn't enough to make up for needing a Tetanus shot and the woman's lawyers agreed as they presumably paid a large sum of money for her to eat at TGIFridays from now on.
The Charlie Sheen Award for Epic Achievement In Partying - From an anonymous forwarded e-mail detailing how a mid, 20-something aged male working in a large business firm in Chicago decided to regale his co-workers with his adventures the previous evening. His story detailed the following:
- How trashed he got at company softball game
- Afterward,at the bar he got into a altercation with a teammate when he made unwanted advances to that person's girlfriend
- Tells how lucky he was not to get a DUI driving around Chicago later that night trolling for hookers.
- Woke up next morning covered in his own puke
- Came into work late and was probably still drunk
Said employee detailed all of this in an e-mail....sent to the entire company. Reportedly shortly afterward this employee was summoned to Human Relations and subsequently never heard from again. Whoever you are Mr.'Because Thats How I Roll' the Rossy committee salutes you.
The LeBron James Flaming Asshole of the Year Award - Alasdair Thompson, CEO of the Employers and Manufacturers Association of New Zealand in a morning radio interview blamed women for low productivity and higher cost citing menstruation and child birth: "Because you know, once a month they have sick problem. Not all women, but some do. They have children and they have to take leave off"
Thompson barely made it to that afternoon before having to quickly apologize but similar to a carload of baby shit being thrown into a large Industrial fan, the damage was done and he was out of a job. Although Thompson did not say so publicly, we are pretty certain he would be in favor women giving birth if child slave labor was legal.
The Karma Is A Bitch Award sponsored by Chick Fil'A - A man in Delano, CA who was participating in an illegal cockfight died after...wait for it.....accidentally being stabbed in throat by his Rooster. No really you are allowed laugh at this.
The 2011 Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee - A man in Connecticut was arrested for insurance fraud, identity theft, and a litany of other charges after posing as a severely brain damaged patient so home health nurses would come to his house and care for him. The payoff for this gentleman particularly was the part where they would clean up after he made a dooty....because he had a Infantalism fetish. Unfortunately the gig was up when a nurse who came early caught him walking around, smoking a cigarette, sans adult diaper. The Rossy Committee suggests to Mr.Brain Freeze-Poopy Pants that surely there must have been a Craiglist section for that kinda of thing. And willing participants probably come cheaper than a home health aide, too!
The 2011 Rossy Lifetime Achievement Award - In times of great uncertainty, there have been great orators who encapsulated the wisdom needed to persevere. Whether it was the American Civil War (Abraham Lincoln and The Gettysburg Address), Darkest Days of WWII ('We shall never give up, We shall never surrender' from Winston Churchill), or crossroads of the Civil Rights Movement (Martin Luther King and his 'I Have a Dream' speech)
For these troubled times of 2011, with economic turmoil in Europe, political upheaval in the Mideast, and America having a crisis of confidence. The Rossy committee could find strength and comfort in the wisdom of one Carlos Estevez aka Charlie Sheen. From his interview on ABC News which will one day be engraved in stone:
'I'm on a drug and it's called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available, because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, “Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!” …
I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, had to unload 22 years of fiction … the fiction of A.A. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning.
I’m dealing with fools and trolls. They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives, and then they look at me and they say, “I can’t process it.” Well, no, you never will. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.'
So to summarize the 2011 Rossy Awards: WINNING!
.
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