Best Law Enforcement Moment Not Captured on the TV show 'Cops' - A 54 year old man in Orlando, FL called police to report a home burglary and when officers arrived they asked if they could look around the house to make sure everything was secure. The owner replied ‘sure’ and it was mundane police work until officers discovered a bedroom with 110 marijuana plants worth a $44,000 street value.
My advice regarding drug dealing is first off avoid getting into drug dealing, but if you do grow marijuana in your house practice something called WWWWD (What Would Walter White Do). So the answer to the question ‘May we search the premises?’ is not ‘Sure’. Actually I’m pretty sure if your growing marijuana in your house I don’t think you call the cops period. No actually I’m thinking if you are growing marijuana you’d probably want a secret location, hidden away from people where you can disavow any knowledge of it to the cops should they discover it, claiming you’re not sure how marijuana plants got in your paprika field. But maybe I’m just overthinking it.
The Silvio Burlusconi Award for the best in politician hootenanny - Carlos Rodriguez Andino, the Honduran ambassador to Colombia was recalled after having prostitutes at an official Christmas party in Bogota. Ambassador Andino seriously put the ‘Ho,Ho,Ho’ into the party as it essentially devolved into a large orgy. But that’s was not even highlight of the party.
After things were said and done, Ambassador Andino apparently short on cash decided to stiff the night’s entertainment, causing them to steal computers and telephones in retaliation before leaving the embassy. But the final straw for Honduran Foreign Minister may have been the cleaning bill for removing human feces from a conference room resulting from one of the party goers requesting a ‘Cleveland Steamer’.
Best Moment of Ignoring a 'Do Not Touch' sign - A 23 year old women cleaning out a commuter train in Stockholm, Sweden decided to take a break and take the train for a little spin. The joyride on the choo-choo train went well for about 1.6 kilometers until a pesky 3-story apartment building sort of got in the way. Thankfully no one was hurt though when asked by authorities the response for why she touched it was Swedish interpretation of ‘Uh..I dunno’
Best Moment in Drunken Hookup Failure - Police in Manatee, FL were called to a domestic disturbance and found the 52 year female old homeowner beating up her 32 year old boyfriend because he was bad at oral sex while they were doing a ‘69’. Officers advised the young man moving forward to use his fingers, varying his tongue rhythm and paying attention to the ‘little man in the boat’ would produce the desired effect in any future 69 sessions.
Fly the Friendly Skies Award - In European circles if there is one country that knows how to party while on vacation, it’s the UK. Two middle aged British women kept that tradition strong by consuming an entire bottle of Malibu rum on a British Airways flight from London-Gatwick to Tunisia. While getting in the celebratory mood, the ladies were warned for smoking in the lavatory and calling several small children ‘little shits’.
At some point when the flight was crossing over France, the two ladies felt being the classy broads they are, surely the pilots would enjoy their company and subsequently tried to force their way into the cockpit. That sentiment went over about as well as someone eating Taco Bell then having explosive diarrhea in first class and subsequently forced the plane to land in Lyon, France. Both ladies were sent back to the UK presumably to spend the rest of their vacation in a kiddie pool in their backyard.
The Porn Industry Customer Appreciation Award - This year we have a tie as the Rossy committee was unable to pick a winner from two very distinguished, well deserving gentlemen.
First, we award 53 year old Willie Merriweather who while interviewing for a job with a temp agency in Aiken, SC was arrested for indecent exposure when he decided to whip out little Willie and start masturbating…..during the interview. When questioned by police Big Willie claimed he forgot to zip his pants and that little Willie must have fallen out by mistake.
Second, a 69 year old man in Wildwood, FL was arrested for masturbating while ordering at the McDonald’s drive thru and picking up his food while in the act. Police would not elaborate as to whether the man’s was putting on his own brand of mayonnaise.
The Cheech and Chong Award - Two brothers in Wichita, KS decided to celebrate winning a $75,000 lottery ticket by getting stoned out of their skull and in the process blowing up their house. According to firefighters both brothers were using a butane torch to light their bong, since an epic occasion like winning the lottery requires more than using an ordinary BIC lighter. When they went to refuel the butane tank in the kitchen neither of them noticed a small gas leak emanating from the pilot light of the stove.
In what might be the understatement of the year, a neighbor described what happened next as saying the house just went ‘Ka-boom!’ Amazingly both brothers were relatively unscathed and managed to keep the bong intact. And they still have $75,000 to go towards a new house, and most importantly a new butane torch.
Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated stupidity - A 50 year old man in Palm Beach, FL suffered major burns after accidentally setting himself on fire instead of the six foot tall wooden cross he was going to light ablaze as a Halloween prank. Most people would stop after asking themselves ‘Is setting a cross on fire reminiscent of the KKK and possibly being construed as offensive really a good idea?’
Having answered in the affirmative the next question was ‘Should I exercise some caution as I stand in close proximity to a large combustible substance like wood which I’ve doused with an accelerant like gasoline when introducing an open flame?’ Unfortunately the answer was a negative and said gentleman earned an overnight trip to a burn unit. The lesson kids is if something seems like a bad idea at first glance, it probably is a bad idea.
The No Child Left Behind Award for Educational Excellence - It was a banner year for the University of Iowa. First, it was named by the US News and World Report as the top college party school in America. Now it can claim a prestigious Rossy to cap off a banner year!
A mathematics graduate assistant at the University of Iowa had the best moment of a horrifying ‘Oh Shit!’ moment when she accidentally posted homemade porn made with her boyfriend instead of the week’s homework assignment to a class intranet portal. Instead of practicing Pythagorian theorem or complex calculus equations, students got a tutorial on carnal knowledge. However, luckily for the grad student, she was allowed to stay on at the university after administrators called it a teachable moment. When asked for a comment, many of her Math 101 students at their dorms replied ‘Whaa..I’m sorry were you asking me something…I’m a little distracted?’
The Happy Hour Lasted an Hour Too Long Award - Major General Michael Carey of the US Air Force was relieved of his command after a 48 hour bender in Moscow in what was supposed to be a joint military exercise with the Russian army. A 42 page internal Pentagon report highlighted some of the good times had by the General:
- The fun started during a layover at the Zurich airport that Friday where the General spent a 2 hour delay getting plastered at a cocktail lounge. Then returned to the gate and upon hearing further delays became verbally abusive and tried to play the ‘Do you know who I’am card’
- When finally arriving at the banquet that night was so drunk he slurred his speech and could barely stand upright. At said reception the General was observed drinking at least half a dozen 8 ounce shots of vodka and finishing off the glasses of as many as 12 other people.
- The following Saturday morning when touring an historic old Russian Orthodox church, greeted the priest with a fistbump. Also made or may not have urinated outside on the church.
- In the afternoon when walking through Red Square was reportedly too drunk to walk on his own power and needed assistance.
- That night at dinner at a local Mexican restaurant he was thrown out after trying to bum rush the stage and sing with a mariachi band that was the night’s entertainment. Afterward at the hotel lobby was seen with 2 alleged prostitutes and subsequently disappeared with them until it was time to leave that Monday morning.
The last part might be a little problematic for the General as the two ladies in question may or may not have been Russian intelligence agents. And the General may or may not have revealed secrets related to his position, namely in charge of the North American inter-continental ballistic missiles or better known as nuclear warheads. The absolute topper was at a investigative hearing afterward the General’s response literally was ‘what’s the big fucking deal?’ While he may no longer oversee the nation’s nuclear arsenal, the Rossy commitee salutes the Major General Carey for making the most of Miller time!
The Biggest, Most Massive Twitter #FAIL of the Year - This easily is the most competitive Rossy category as each year hundreds of millions of Twitter users, pollute the internet with an endless stream of verbal brain droppings. How do you sort through a reservoir of putrid, raw mental sewage to find that absolute gem of a Tweet that confirms the human race is probably doomed? Well this year Rossy committee looked for a combination of vapidity, stupidity, and utter lack of self-awareness personified in one 140 character tweet. Thankfully Paris Hilton did not disappoint
We assume her reaction would not be surprised had she ever say opened a history book or actually paid attention in history class. One can only imagine her reaction to watching Schindler’s List
Just watched #12YearsASlave. It made me so sad, angry & disgusted that people could ever treat others in such a horrible way. :( #SoWrong
4:54 AM - 6 Nov 2013
BONUS Twitter Award Best Tweet We Wish Were Real - The Rossy committee could not confirm the authenticity of this Kylie Jenner tweet sent this past March. However if real it meant she not only had the greatest Internet moment but basically won everything in 2013
The Internet Troll Award for best (we mean really worst) user comment -
Scrolling through the user comments of any online story is essentially like crawling through the opening of the port-a-potty. Here is where the most vile and wretched of the Internet lives. The Rossy committee would like to introduce a new award to recognize those gems that stood out from the rest, the white piece of toilet paper that managed to stand out in a sea of blue colored deodorizing darkness.
This year’s winner is user ‘50ShadesofJimGrey’ on deadspin.com who on a post about Connally High School of Austin, Texas which won a football game 91-15 posted this:
More impressive is that Connally did it with a shattered wrist, as telestrated here.
BOOM! Anyone who can work in a tastefully offensive joke about the Kennedy assassination with seemingly innocuous high school story has obviously set the bar.
Karma Is A Bitch Award -
According to a post on reddit.com, a cheating husband was outed after the hotel he was using for his affair decided to mail a survey about his experience to his home. Presumably based on the feedback sent back to the hotel posted below, the wife received said survey and probably wondered ‘Wait a minute we never stayed at a hotel, unless….’
No word on whether the survey indicated any feedback on the continental breakfast, cleanliness of the sheets, or the fragrance of the freebie shampoo. We’re guessing the husband was a little too busy to notice.
The Charlie Sheen Award for epic achievement in partying - If you think of Canada as a genteel place of peace and harmony populated by the World’s most polite and pleasant people. Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto would like to dispel some myths. Most parties rage for several hours, maybe a day, maybe a weekend, maybe a week at the most. For the good people of Toronto, North America’s fourth largest city, there ain’t no party like a Rob Ford party because a Rob Ford party don’t ever stop!
Allow the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation to walk us through the epic year of Mayor Ford:
February 23 - Asked to leave the Garrison Ball (Canadian version of Nat’l Guard) after becoming too intoxicated to stand on his own
March 7 - At the Canadian Jewish Political Affairs committee allegedly spotted snorting cocaine and groping Sarah Thompson, editor of newspaper Female Post
April 20 - Mayor Ford’s cell phone goes missing and found in the hands of a member of the Dixon Bloods, a growing nuisance in Toronto for drug dealing and illegal weapons.
May 16 - The answer to ‘Why did a drug dealer have Mayor Ford’s phone?’ is answered when rumors of a cell phone video of Mayor Rob smoking crack-cocaine with members of the Dixon bloods begin to surface. Most politicians at this point would resign in disgrace, but not Mayor Rob because he was just getting started.
June 17 - A drunken Mayor Rob again makes a spectacle of himself at the Little Italy street fair, where he manages to have a good time chatting up the ladies resulting in a 31 year old woman to throw her drink at him.
August 10 - A visibly intoxicated Mayor Rob shows up at the Danforth Festival where slurs his words and eventually has to be helped back to his home by police. When asked how got there he said ‘he drove himself, of course’
August 23 - Has an arm-wrestling match with Hulk Hogan and wins
October 30 - Ford’s driver and friend Alexander Lisi is charged with selling marijuana, but also reveled that his boss Mayor Rob was also under police surveillance and among the items noted in the report was Mayor Rob was seen smoking weed, doing heroin, consorting with known gang members, public intoxication and frequent public urination
November 5 - Toronto police confirm the existence of the cell phone video of Mayor Rob smoking crack cocaine with gang members. Mayor Rob response was the most ho-hum admission of large city mayor using crack cocaine ever. We’re paraphrasing here but basically it was ‘Yeah I probably tried in a drunken stupor, and it’s was alright but nothing to write home about. I’m not addict or anything. Anyway moving on’
November 13 - Answering charges that he made sexual advances toward former staff member replied with ‘The woman said I wanted to eat her p—y, I’ve never said that in my life to her. I would never do that. I’m happily married. I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.’ marking the first time probably ever a major Canadian politician mentioned the act of cunnilingus while referencing his wife in the same sentence.
December 19 - On a Washington D.C. radio show Mayor Rob doled out this Christmas advice for husbands everywhere “Just money. Women love money. Give them a couple of thousand bucks and they’re happy. Get some treats on the side obviously for her,” he said. “At the end of the day, she wants her cash. So I give her a nice cheque and we’re all happy.”
So concludes the epic party that was the honorable mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford. Or as Charlie Sheen would say…
The Coitus Interruptus Award - A couple in Upper Darby, PA on a nice Spring day decided to end a leisurely stroll in a local park by having some 'afternoon delight' on a picnic table. Unfortunately that day was also scheduled in the park was a joint training exercise with over 40 bicycle cops from the around the Philadelphia region. The day's training session was focused on protecting parks and open spaces, and it got a little interactive when they rounded a corner and found the couple doing it. Needless to say the couple was charged with indecent exposure and the cops spared from a day of boredom.
The Do It Yourself Home Improvement Award - A Fargo, ND man was arrested for reckless endangerment and illegal use of a high powered fire breathing weapon after using a flame thrower as an alternative to shoveling for snow removal. Most men only dream about using some sort fire wielding incendiary device but our man made dreams become reality. Also this gentleman wins perhaps the greatest quote of 2013. When asked by the local Fox affiliate for why a flame thrower replied 'fed up with battling the elements and did not possess the willpower needed to remove four billion tons of white bullshit'
Best Moment of Workplace Ooops! - A court in Hesse, Germany ordered an unnamed bank to reinstate a clerk who fell asleep while manually transferring funds with his finger was on the 2 key. The result was he accidentally transferred 222,222,222.22 Euros (equivalent to $295,133,133 American dollars) into the wrong account. Originally he was only supposed to only put 62.30 Euros. For a brief moment a German pensioner got the shock of a lifetime thinking they were rich until bank supervisors discovered the error leaving them to utter whatever the German word is for ‘DOWT!’
And finally we move on to our most prestigious award along with a very, super duper special lifetime achievement award!
The 2013 Rossy Awards Hall of Fame Inductee - There's no boredom quite like that of a business trip. Especially the boredom of being stuck in hotel for hours on end. This fall a man from Sheffield, England who traveled to London for a used car deal found a way to deal with the boredom. From the wire reports:
Joseph Small, while staying at London’s Premier Inn Leicester Square, was observed in the hallway naked, vigorously masturbating, with the hose of an fire extinguisher was inserted into his anus. Upon being restrained by staff and police, he called an officer a pedophile and shouted racist remarks to a hotel employee — and urinated twice on the floor. He was fined 1,200 pounds for the night of mayhem.
Congrats to Mr.Small who now joins a distinguished ring of honor:
2012 - Man dressed as Grinch tells children at Christmas festival in Canada there is no Santa Claus
2011 - Charlie Sheen for WINNING
2010 - Man who masturbated to a Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit issue in the magazine aisle at Wal-Mart in Florida.
2009 - Man in Cairns, Australia who broke into sex shops and ‘utilized’ sex dolls then put them back in the box
2008 - Ernest Borgnine who told Fox and Friends on live television the secret to longevity was masturbating a lot.
2007 - A man angry about in-flight service on American Airlines defecates on a beverage cart
2006 - A man in Croatia burns down house because he doesn’t want to have sex with his wife
The Rossy Awards Lifetime Achievement Award - This year the Rossy Committee would like to honor the State of Florida for providing the Rossys a nearly endless supply of award fodder. A close friend of the Rossy committee named Damian sums up perfectly our honorary recipient ‘People often ask me why I would leave Florida for St.Louis. Well it’s because I wanted to be around normal people’
Over the years the Rossy Committee has noticed that an inordinate amount of awards seem to always originate from Florida. So far this year the Sunshine state has managed to snag four coveted Rossys already. Chances are if there news items involving something extremely stupid or weird human nature it began with the tag line 'A Florida man...' or 'A Florida woman...' or 'In (blank), Florida....' Because there was not enough space all of achievements we outline some of the reasons 2013 was so Floridaesque:
- Eight Florida fathers were charged with leaving their children in the car unattended while they went to a strip club. (to clarify, on EIGHT SEPARATE occasions in Florida men LEFT THEIR CHILDREN in the car to go to a strip club)
- Numerous bank robberies by people dressed as either fictional characters (Santa Claus, Darth Vader) or real historical figures (Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln)
- A man was accidentally shot in the leg by his dog
- A 19 year old thief was arrested and charged with 142 felonies (and counting) after showing off $250,000 in stolen loot on his Instagram account
- A Florida man arrested for trying to trade an alligator for a 12 pack of beer
- A Florida man impersonating a cop accidentally pulls over real cop
- A Florida woman threatens to shoot Wal-Mart employee over a price of a skateboard
- Florida Wal-Mart employee arrested for shooting up another employee's car because he was jealous they won employee of month
- Florida Man Huffs Compressed Air While Driving Home from Wal-Mart, Crashes Into Three Parked Cars
(Travel Pro Tip: If in Florida, stay away from Wal-Marts)
You get the picture. There may need to be a whole separate Rossy awards just for Florida or you can check out buzzfeed’s list
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-40-most-insane-things-that-happened-this-year-in-florida?bftw
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