The Worst Christmas Songs, Statistics gets sexy, and Praise for Women with Curves

Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer shows us our grandparents were sort of dicks way back when - Surely if you have kids undoubtedly Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer will be in your future viewing this Christmas. A heartwarming tale of misfits and oddballs who find acceptance after rescuing Christmas. It also shows grownups were kinda dicks back in the day.

The 1964 stop gap animation is actually fairly subversive because it critically critiqued several norms that were prevalent at the times:

- Discrimination against appearance (Rudolph), gay people (Herbie), the disabled (the misfit toys), the eccentrics (Yukon Cornelius), hairy people (Abominable Snowman), and dentists (‘WHHAAATT! Herbie doesn’t want to make toys!!!)

- Mindless conformity (because you did not want to be one ‘THOSE’ elves)

- Women belong in the kitchen (the insinuation being a doe should sit on the sidelines during reindeer practice and bat her eyelashes to impress the boys and generally just keep her mouth shut)

Maybe it’s coincidence the film premiered right on the eve of the modern Civil rights movement, the hippie movement, and feminism all of which upended those societal norms a decade later, But it appears to at least hit the nail on the head that excluding people from contributing to society based on superficial differences is sort of stupid. Rudolph the RedNosed Reindeer civil rights trailblazer, who knew?

The 5 Worst Christmas Songs (My Definitive List) - A war on Christmas? Hardly. Considering most pop radio stations have been 24 hour Christmas songs since Halloween, I’d say Christmas has won. But after suffering through long car rides of what can be horrendous music (for the kids, you know) here is the definitive list of the all-time worst Christmas songs.

1.Grandma Got run Over By a Reindeer - Assuming your grandma is sweet as pie and you love your grandma, who would actually find this song endearing? So grandma drank too much eggnog, forgot to take her medication, stumbled out of her house drunk and got runover by reindeer. That’s nice. Sounds like a newswire that would come out of Florida, except instead of a reindeer, it would be a meth’d up tweeker who stole an 18 wheel semi-truck.

2. Christmas Shoes - Imagine a song so sappy, saccharine, and loaded with artificial flavoring of emotion that is causes you to succumb into a Diabetic coma. My hand cannot move to the dial fast enough.

3. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Great message to send to kids. Mommy having an affair with some guy in a Santa Claus suit.

4. Any Xmas song by the Jackson 5 - Given the family history, do we want to imagine what Christmas was like for the Jackson kids growing up? With Joe Sr. telling everyone to be merry or jolly in front of the microphones or there were going to be belt whippings afterward.

5. Any Xmas song by Frank Sinatra - Don't get me wrong I’m actually a huge fan of the rat pack and if I could go back in time I would see ol Blue Eyes holding court at the legendary Sands hotel in Vegas. But most of his Christmas songs were probably recorded at his Palm Springs home while some groupie was giving him a blow job.

Miley Cyrus should probably put her tongue back her mouth - Not to be a killjoy but here is a short list of diseases that can contracted by licking things courtesy of Jezebel


1.African Sleeping Sickness
2.Cholera
3.Hepatitis
4.Flu (regular or Swine)
5.Herpes
6.Measles
7.Yellow Fever
8.Dysentery
9.SARS
10.Bubonic plague

What happens when the worlds of porn and statistics collide? - You get the love child of this very awesome, insightful, albeit NSFW social science research (if at work get your boss button ready no nudity but some adult content)

Apparently in what might be the greatest job a research analyst can have, pornhub (think YouTube for adult videos) has hired a bunch of data geeks to crunch internet traffic numbers and provide some great data below.

Here are your key takeaways:
- Average time on the site was 10 minutes meaning people typically cut straight to chase as they logged on, got off and then actually logged off fairly quickly explaining the disappearance of storylines or dialogue from most adult movies nowadays.

- Heaviest users were in the South belying its reputation as the Bible Belt. I guess that belt gets used in other ways when not in church

- When breaking down the data by category, creampies (not the Little Debbie variety) were the porn genre preferred in the largest amount of states. Several states were into some kinky shit as Wyoming preferred ‘smoking’ videos, Kentucky loved ‘Hentai’, and Nevada preferring a specific porn star named Anita Queen

Top category viewed by State

- Porn use dropped significantly during the Holidays as Christmas caused 27% of Americans to zip up their pants. Globally porn use dropped 22% with UK feeling most guilty decreasing 32%. Though Japan could not be bothered with Christmas as their use increased 8%


- The introduction of the iPad increased porn site use by 9% in the US and 10% worldwide attributed to allowing users to sneak off to the bathroom during work and crank one out. One question remained was how do you masturbate with an iPad when you have to hold it with one hand while using the other to….. oh never mind. Perhaps Apple’s next greatest invention will be the iWank


A Children's Treasury of Passive Aggressiveness - It never really takes much effort to be an asshole, but there is something to be said for people strive to take it to the next level









In Praise of Women with Curves - Dear women, Men everywhere would like you to know we really wish you would stop obsessing over weight. We know thanks to some lunk named Maria Kang who recently gained infamy posting herself on Facebook all buff while basically fat shaming women everywhere with her 'What's Your Excuse' bullshit you might be feeling bad about yourself. But the silent majority of us who are not narcissistic would like you to know a few things:



1. Men who have grown mature and think independently know beauty comes in all colors, shapes and sizes - Sure back when puberty set in we looked at our Cindy Crawford/Alyssa Milano (or insert any pin up of the era) poster and thought we could never date anyone who wasn't supermodel worthy. Then when wisdom gradually replaced stupidity we learned about airbrushing and realized most of those posters and images of the perfect women depicted in the media were not real. So as we actually met and interacted with real girls we realized true beauty isn't reflected in a perfect face or size 0 waistline. Those of us who did manage to date one of the 'pretty' people soon realized personality ultimately matters because the 'pretty' people also tend to be the most boring. Ever wonder why guys could cheat on a supermodel? Because not even a pretty face on a skinny body can save a dull conversation.

2. During the Renaissance era, women who were curvy  and voluptuous were held as the ideal beauty depicted in an art movement called Rubenesque - Curves were coveted because they were seen as soft and feminine while a few extra pounds were seen as healthy and vital. So guys admiring curvy women are really adhering to a centuries old beauty standard.


3.Women with curves are awesome in bed - You read that right. We never understood guys who had a thing for the Olsen twins because you might as well be making love to a broomstick with a blond wig. Experienced men know you have not had awesome sex until you’ve been with an voluptuous woman who knew how to how use her curvy body to where they leave you speechless.

4.Guys have Weight Issues Too - Around oh say 30 the metabolism starts slowing and we see it in our waistline and cheeks, thus thoughtful guys also realize it just happens with age thus who are we to judge. So why should you worry about what we think? There can be thing of being too overweight but when guys exercise and diet it’s usually to get healthier, not to look good in a speedo.

5. Guys know diet and exercise is important, but so is having fun - So Mr.Buffguy Fitness Fanatic you work out 20 hours a week at the gym, carefully count your calories, and even weigh your feces (yes there are people who do this) to look like a modern day Adonis. Good for you! Who cares!
You can have that muscle milk, protein powder, super energy drink crap you drink 10 times a day (which in all honestly looks like gigantic glass of horse semen). The rest of us will head out to a good restaurant and have a good time our friends. Or spend time with our kids. Or have a life. See you at the gym Monday morning.

6. There is no trait more unattractive in a woman than one who is judgmental - Used to be my rule on a first date was how a woman treated waiters, servers, etc other people often was deal breaker or maker for a next date because that gave a big insight into their personality. Women who criticize other women are vain, petty, and superficial making a huge turn-off to normal guys. Men who date and marry shallow women are usually vain, petty, and superficial themselves (see Heidi and Spencer) and sadly procreate a subrace of human assholes.

7. True gentlemen can’t stand people who fat shame and judge, especially from our own gender - Because men who achieve tangible success in life don’t need to put down other people to make themselves feel better. Successful men don’t go on the internet to insult or harass women about their weight or looks. The strain of vile DNA that explains all internet trolls is they are emotionally retarded adults whose maturity stunted somewhere in grade school. Think about how pathetic it is that a grown man has to insult people to make himself feel better because they have nothing in life to be proud of.
 
It’s almost comical that many men who fat shame women are extremely unattractive themselves. The irony is that in the same vain many vile homophobes are actually self-hating, closeted homosexuals, many of the male fat shamers are overweight or obese themselves. So calling women fat somehow makes it in their own mind that they are not fat.

In short to all women who may feel bad about their waistline: Just be sexy, be fabulous, be confident, be you. Consequently good and honest people will naturally gravitate to you!