This is a follow-up to my original post that you can find here: PART 1: THE NEWBORN YEARS
1. With a second child, responsibility increases exponentially – Here’s the new math: 2 parents + 1 child > 3 and 2 parents + 2 children > 4 meaning it does not get any easier with the second child. Which gives you a newfound respect for single parents because after several hours alone with the kids, I must look like a lobotomy patient or Amy Winehouse after a 2-day bender.
2. Kids are lot like Roosters – Regardless of day, once the sun comes up they’re up and jumping up on you’re bed ‘Breakfast Daddy? Breakfast?’ whether you want to sleep or not. So the first few minutes of the day are spent resembling a zombie from Night of the Living Dead mumbling “Coffee….Coffee….Coffee..”. The flipside of course comes 15 years later when getting them up before noon on Weekends provides a chance for revenge.
3. You’re meals are no longer your own – Like the mooch in college who always vultured over a stash of snacks, toddlers are automatically attracted to the sound of a running microwave or fridge opening looking to mooch off some of you’re food “What ya eatin daddy?” So we’ve made a point to snack on healthy foods so they both girls will get into viewing fruits, veggies as the cool food.
4. New parents get a 2-year mulligan period – According to all those expert books kids don’t form permanent memories until at least 2 years old so you have a trial period to screw-up and not have you’re kids hold it against you.
5. Never underestimate ability of kids to pick up language – Kids say the darndest things especially in front of strangers, particularly with words you didn’t want them to know. Like when Julia dropped a plate and said “Oh S**t” at an outdoor picnic with five other people looking on. That’s when you act all surprised and reply with feigned indignity “Where did you learn that word?” making sure to cut them off in case they reply “From you”.
6. Never underestimate ability of kids to read emotions – Amazingly our oldest has figured out when we’re patronizing her. For instance she’ll say “I drew picture for you” and I’ll reply lazily “That’s nice”. Then indignant, she’ll says firmly “No Daddy..LOOK”. Mmm’kay on cognitive development list for assertiveness, check.
7. Luckily, as cognitive ability increases, parents still have the upper hand – By nature kids will get into things they are not supposed to get into, but thankfully they don’t realize that sound travels which thereby alerts the parents to some mischievous doing. So kids adapt and learn to be sneaky, but alas they have not learned that by nature kids are also noisy so when there is an suspicious silence, parents can deduce they are up to something, thereby leading to kids getting caught..AGAIN.
8. Pediatricians have a superiority complex – Because there are many stupid parents, Peds will assume everybody who comes into their office is stupid and needs to be talked down to like a 5-year old. Our Ped gave us a lecture on what bacteria is and how anti-biotics work. To which my wife responded…”Thanks for the refresher because I was afraid those 4 years in college getting a Biology degree would go to waste”.
9. Opinions on parenting are like butt-holes, everyone seems to have one – Evidently there are several undeclared wars between those who believe in working versus stay-at-home moms or breast-feeding versus formula advocates or family planning versus natural conception advocates that spill out on internet chatrooms and mindless talk shows everywhere. So when I become a unwilling combatant in one of these wars, I politely say “I’ll go ahead and raise my kids the way we see fit and you go ahead and stick your opinion where the Sun don’t shine”.
10. Teething infants make great birth control for teens – Having my wife’s cousins babysit our two kids has helped ensure there will be no unplanned pregnancies in their future. After three hours of cleaning up puke, poop, and drool along with having to deal with overall crankiness of teething. Every one of them afterward is like “Uh, parenting like blows, so I’ll focus on college for the time being.”
11. Kids are basically germ magnets – Knowing there is an impending stomach bug in your body can only be compared to the dread that Medieval Europeans felt seeing an impending Viking raid coming to their village. It’s almost a ritualistic event every year when cold, Flu, or stomach ailments get picked up by the kids and spread through the house like wildfire. But we refuse to become germophobes because if you don’t expose them to everything, their immune systems will not get stronger.
12. You laugh at parents who shop at Gap Kids or Carter’s – Nothing says pretentious yuppie like parents buying a wardrobe full of expensive kids clothes because they grow so fast you’ll be lucky to get more than one good day’s use out of them. It’s one thing for pictures or a special occasion. But can anyone really tell the difference between a $40 6-month outfit from Carter’s and a $4 one from Target? The best is watching an uppity parent freak out because that precious outfit got dirty and is most likely stained for good.
13. Kids ultimately have to learn the Law of the Playground – They reach that age where you have to let your kids loose on the playground with other kids and hope they play well with others. Inevitably, you always seem to have the one bratty little kid in the group who does something mean to your kid while they’re dolt parent is oblivious. The natural response is to get up and smack that little urchin upside the head but that my little girls will have to learn that there are jerks at every age and you just have to ignore them. Of course doesen’t mean you can’t hide said brat kids favorite toy and smile in guilty delight as he throws a tantrum.
14. Your entertainment choices are limited to Nickelodeon or Disney – So while you can try to steer them in the cartoon preference that will cause the least headaches.
15. Your career goals get a much needed perspective – I was one of those real ambitious types out of grad school who would stay late at work because it impressed the boss. But when you have kids you realize the real rewards are getting home in time to play with them before bed. The best part is no matter how much of a punching bag you feel like after a really bad day. When you come home and your daughters come running to you, no amount of money, promotions, or corporate glory can buy that feeling.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment