THE 2010 ROSSY AWARDS!!!

Back in the 90's my fraternity started an annual tradition of awarding the best moments of drunkenness, debauchery, and stupdity which became the Rossy Awards.Enjoy!

Best Felony Committed by a Celebrity Impersonator – A man dressed as Santa Claus robbed a series of banks in Central Tennessee around xmas time brandishing a gun and red sack to carry the cash. Witnesses described suspect as having twinkling eyes, cheeks as red as roses, and belly that looked like a bowl full of jelly. FBI noted to be lookout a miniature sleigh being pulled by eight tiny reindeer with one of them reported to have a shiny red nose

Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - Guys dream of knocking over a casino but one armed bandit managed to live it and steal $1.5 million from the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Not bad for a day's work except for one problem. He stole $1.5 million in $25K chips instead of cash which are only redeemable at...the Bellagio. As George Clooney noted in Ocean's Eleven, 'It's always the little details that matter'

Best Fight (Non-Drinking) Category – At the Comicon convention in San Diego, a comic book enthusiast (PC term for nerd) was stabbed in the eye with a pencil by another comic book enthusiast during an argument over a front row seat for a Q&A with Seth Rogan and cast of ‘The Green Hornet’. No word if the assailant was apprehended by an actual superhero or someone dressed as a superhero. Seth Rogan later visited victim in hospital asking if a glass eye could double as a one-hitter adding that it would be ‘far-out’.

Best Fight (Drinking) Category – A patron at a karaoke bar in Manila, Philippines ended up being shot and killed as a result of a fight with other patrons who did not like his version of the Frank Sinatra song ‘My Way’ and apparently wanted it their way. Music Industry experts referred to it as the Phil Spector method of voice coaching. On a possibly related note The Jonas Brothers were advised to never set foot in the Philippines.

Best Addition to the English Language - In divorce papers, former wrestler Hulk Hogan allegedly transformed a proper noun into a verb after he threatened to 'OJ' his wife during an argument. This narrowly defeated the creation of a new adjective of referring to male douchebag behavior as pulling a 'John Mayer'.

The WTF Moment of 2010 – Kim Kardashian allegedly received dozens of death threats from angry Justin Bieber fans via Twitter after the two were companions to the White House Correspondents Dinner. One of which actually prompted a Federal Investigation of a 13 year old who threatened to hijack a plane and crash it into the Kim’s house. Combined with the various mob scenes related to Bieber fever at malls and airports, JBieb fans might be the new Hell's Angels

Best Riot not involving European Soccer or Justin Bieber fans – Police in Hickory, TN were called to a Chuck E Cheese to break up a melee between two families that started over the line for a photobooth. The family fun time eventually ended in criminal charges for threatening a police officer, marijuana possession, and assault after one lucky birthday girl got punched in the face. The last one may be the most serious offense since a knuckle sandwich was normally not included with a birthday package. Management noted to prevent in any future problems they would remove Crystal Meth as a topping from the Sundae Bar.

The Exemplary Use of Firearms with Alcohol Award presented by The Nat’l Rifle Assoc. and Busch Light – A 66 year-old man in Wisconsin was arrested for shooting out his television with a shotgun after becoming enraged that Bristol Palin advanced to the finals of Dancing With The Stars which led to a 14 hour standoff with police. Because the defendant had mental issues and was 'sort of' drinking at the time, his attorneys planned an insanity defense citing no normal man in his right mind would voluntarily watch Dancing With The Stars.

The Karma Is a Bitch Award – Ivana Trump, ex-wife of Donald Trump and plastic surgery failure was thrown off an flight from Palm Beach to New York after having a tantrum about small kids crying in First Class.

The Silvio Berlesconi Award (given for best political sex scandal) – The governor of the Hyderabad region of India, Andhra Pradesh was forced to resign his office after a videotape surfaced of his performance as a amateur porn star with not one but two ladies of the night. Adult website reviews generally noted he will never be mistaken for Tommy Lee anytime soon

Best Sports moment not making Top 10 Plays of the Year – A husband in Norwalk, CT was arrested for threatening his wife with a knife after becoming angry that she canceled ESPN on their cable package. Meanwhile the Rossy Committee is about 95% sure the on-air talent at ESPN referenced the incident with either a bad pun or overused catch phrase

The Happy Hour Lasted An Hour Too Long Award – State Police in Oliver, PA found a drunken 55 year-old man in the middle of a highway trying to revive an opossum that had been flattened by a car with mouth to mouth resuscitation. The animal do-gooder was handed a citation for Drunk & Disorderly along with a pack of breath mints.

Employee of the Month Award – A Verizon debt collector was fired after telling a Las Cruces, NM customer that she would ‘blow up his mother***ing house’ over a $308 bill. Also Verizon was forced to phase out some late penalties including kneecapping, kidnapping or going for a 'drive' to a secluded swamp in New Jersey. The incident capped off a milestone year for customer service at Verizon where they were also sued after refusing to shut off phone service for deceased people claiming death certificates were not enough for proof of death

Best Moment of Unintentional Hilarity – During a blood drive pep rally at a Norwin, PA high school, students witnessed an epic misadventure with Microsoft PowerPoint when a presenter from the American Red Cross accidently opened a file containing gay porn instead of one about blood donation. Luckily for students the situation served as a teachable moment about the importance of accurately naming computer files so that myschoolpresentation.ppt could never get confused with mygayporn.ppt

The Charlie Sheen Award – This year the Rossy Committee has established a new award for epic achievement in partying and clearly only one man can bear its namesake! Mr.Charlie Sheen exemplifies excellence in the art of the good time and in 2010 set the gold standard after NYC Police were called to his suite at the Plaza Hotel to discover him naked, trashing the room in an apparent rage stemming from bad cocaine sold to him earlier that evening. Oh yeah there was a hooker hiding in the closet, too. In addition the Rossy Committee would like to acknowledge Mr.Sheen for the all-time greatest celebrity quote.Ever. “I don’t pay prostitutes for sex, I pay them to leave’

AND FINALLY..The Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee for 2010! -
A 30 year-old man in Sarasota, FL was arrested at Wal-Mart after being observed masturbating to a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in the toy aisle then leaving the residue in the middle of the floor during store hours. Since defendant will be spending his New Year's in county lockup, to accept the award will be whoever had to answer the call for ‘Clean Up in Aisle 5’.