Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Victoria's Secret gets men in trouble, Wikileaks, and the ONLY post-election that matters

The graph that sums up the entire election – As usual the news network village idiots (aka political correspondents) managed to get it all wrong. No David Gregory it wasn’t about healthcare reform and No Fox News, America is not suddenly in love with conservatism again.


The red line shows percent job losses since this latest recession began. We are already past the halfway at which most jobless rates improved from prior recessions. Obama’s reelection prospects are directly correlated to this graph. If by 2012 the red line is still mired in negative territory, he’s a one termer.

Revenge of the Old, White, Angry Voter – I’ve seen elderly folks riot and it wasn’t pretty. For the past two years the cost of living increase for Social Security recipients has been frozen which combined with cuts to Medicare equaled one pissed off Granny. This was the other main factor contributing to November's bloodbath for Democrats which the DC punditry class also missed. There was a 22 point swing from Dems to Repubs this election compared to 2008 among voters 65 and older proving Social Security is the third rail of electoral politics, touch it and your career dies.

Introducing the Fourth Branch of Gov't - Contrary to what were taught in Civics class laws do not originate in the Legislative branch but rather the Corporate branch of Gov't. Thanks to the Citizen United case where the Supreme Court tossed out the $2500 limit on what corporations and wealthy individuals can spend on campaign donations, unelected people called lobbyists will now be writing our laws. And these corporations made good use of it with $110 million in campaign contributions with 9 to 1 ratio going to the GOP.....


.....which leads to the Republican plan on solving the economy – Allow Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas) to explain, ‘You either have to work for rich people or make things for rich people’.


The Mad Hatter called and said he wants his tea party back – While election results for the teabaggers were mixed, the guiding governing philosophy of Tea Party candidates seemed to be repeal of the 20th century:

Return to racial segregation – Rand Paul, US Sen Kentucky (winner)

Repeal of the 14th Amendment (grants citizenship to all born in US) – Tom Tancredo, Gov Colorado (loser)

Repeal of the 17th Amendment (allowing direct election of Senators) – Ken Buck, US Sen Colorado (loser)

Repeal of Separation of Church & State, anti-masturbation, and pro witchcraft – Christine O’Donnell, US Sen Delaware (loser)

Bringing Back Prohibition, Elimination of public schools, Elimination of Social Security and Medicare – Sharon Angle, US Sen Nevada (loser)

Elimination of Minimum Wage and worker’s rights – Joe Miller, US Sen Alaska (loser)

Elimination of the Census because it’s really a plot to help create forced re-education camps once an all encompassing Zionist one-World government takeover is completed by Obama who happens to be Kenyan born, Muslim socialist terrorist – Michele Bachmann, US Rep Minnesota and Mayor of Crazytown (winner)

So when exactly does that audacity kick in? – Watching Obama the past few months has been like watching George McFly get beat up in the parking lot in Back To The Future. You keep wondering when does the nerd finally fight back and assert himself against Biff.

But in other news, it was safe to laugh again – Conan O’Brien returned to late night television. Jay Leno still a no talent suck-ass.

Proof that Secret Intelligence is really an oxymoron – Of the more than 200K ‘Top Secret’, ‘Classified’ pages released on the whistleblower site about America’s foreign policy, 95% could be classified as ‘Well, Duh’. Among the Earth shattering information, Canada is our chief ally, China thinks were stupid, and Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has a penchant for Cuban cigars.

Proof times are getting better– Oprah Winfrey announced her show is going off the air.

Proof globalization is now complete – Hearst magazines announced the launch of Cosmopolitan in Mongolia. Among the highlighted stories in the inaugural issue: ‘How to flirt with a goat herder’, ’The hottest looks in sheepskin’, and ‘Try these 5 bedroom moves tonight and turn your timid nomad into Genghis Khan!’

The 2022 FIFA Soccer World Cup Host Announced – and the winner is Qatar! Which is a shame because soccer was just about on the verge of respectability here in the States. The official reason was listed as allowing the Middle East a chance to host the tournament.

Probably the real reasons were either the selection board of FIFA made the decision while breathing in paint thinner or each member was handed a briefcase of unmarked, untraceable cash from Qatari rulers. Either way that Connecticut sized dingleberry of a country on the Persian Gulf was selected where its charms include a repressive monarchy, no alcohol, and no real rights for women. One small possible oversight is the prospect of playing games when the average temperature reaches 130 degrees in summertime.

Ever wonder if the people running your company are idiots? - Now we have confirmation with the show Undercover Boss which goes a long way to explaining decline of American innovation lately. Amazing how CEO's who are supposedly the smartest people in the organization are clueless how things in their companies actually work. Also amazing is how they are continually surprised to learn in this economy that their employees are struggling yet dutifully show up and work hard anyway because their family well-being depends upon doing a good job.

George Bush reminds us he’s still an asshole – In his not very eagerly awaited autobiography, George Bush reveled the worst moment of his presidency was when Kanye West called him a racist. Considering during his tenure Bush witnessed 9/11, the bungled Iraq War, and the drowning of New Orleans during Katrina. Each event resulted in catastrophic loss of life and one would assume those rank up there on the all time list of bad days. However for Junior the worst moment was being a called a name on Nat'l TV. The breadth of his narcissism and ego is stunning.

An Open Letter to Victoria’s Secret
My Dearest Vicky,

Oh how we men of a certain age and marital status appreciate your catalogs, commercials, and window placement at malls. But we need a little more 'secretness' from you when showing your Lingerie fashion show. You see we can’t really openly enjoy without getting into major trouble with our significant others and developing that skeevy perv feeling we normally get from watching Miley Cyrus videos. Perhaps renaming to something generic like ‘The Victorian Fishing Show’ or ‘Victorian Do It Your Self Tips’ so as to not be conspicuous or anything when TIVO’d. (wink,wink, nudge, nudge)

Sincerely,

All human beings with the XY Chromosome

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