Katy Perry Tour Demands, Freaky Statistics, and Absurdity of Work E-mail Disclaimers

American Lexicon Update: The word Pippa'd
Meaning: (Verb) To inadvertently upstage or steal the show

Origin: When Pippa Middleton appeared as head bridesmaid at the Royal wedding of her sister Kate in a white dress that was so hot it completely shifted the focus and attention to her in all the fashion mags. To the point where Pippa's derriere got its own Twitter following and even gay men replying 'Yep, I'd tap that'

Example Use In a Sentence: 'Angelina Jolie Pippa'd Winona Ryder in the movie Girl, Interrupted to win an Oscar'

Freaky Statistics, Part 1 - With the death of pro wrestler Macho Man Randy Savage, this means of the 51 wrestlers who competed at Wrestlemania in 1991, 14 are now dead for a mortality rate of 25%. By comparison all but 2 of the 42 pro boxers who competed in the top level around the same time are alive (5% mortality rate). And all 99 participants in Super Bowl 25 that same year are still alive. Though Buffalo Bills fans probably wish that kicker Scott 'Wide Right' Norwood were dead (0.5% mortality rate).

Freaky Statistics, Part 2 - According to a Pew Survey, only 7% of Americans approve of marital infidelity, while a slightly higher number 11% approve of polygamy. And the Mormon Church was afraid the show 'Big Love' would ruin their reputation.

Freaky Statistics, Part 3 - Kim Kardashian's fiancee New Jersey Nets benchwarmer Kris Humphries evidently had good reason to put a ring on it. Previous ahtletes who dated Kardashian, Reggie Bush of the Saints and Miles Austin of the Cowboys saw susbstantial drop-off in performance after they dumped Kim proving there may be something magical about that ass.

Bush with Kim in 2009: 725 yards, 8 touchdowns and a Super Bowl ring.
Bush after Kim in 2010: 150 yards, 1 touchdown and stripped of Heisman Trophy.

Austin before Kim in 2009: 1,320 yards, 11 touchdowns, Playoffs
Austin after Kim in 2010: 1,041 yards, 7 touchdowns, No Playoffs

Pardon Me While I Try Find a One Shred of Sympathy - One third of all Law School graduates from 2009 are still unemployed and those who do find a job are making only half what new law firm hires would have made five years ago. For decades people have argued there are too many lawyers in this country and the recession may have proven them right. Most lawyering is basically writing letters and filling out forms, and many firms recently discovered that for the cost of one young attorney's four martini power lunch at Morton's Steakhouse, most of it can be outsourced to India for a week's worth of work.

FUN BONUS LAWYER JOKE: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? The hooker stops screwing you after you're dead.

Merry Christmas, Late Night Talk Show Hosts and Comedians Everywhere! - A congressman with last name of Weiner got into sex scandal! It's almost as if the jokes write themselves. Now mind you I have no problem with my elected officials being sexual deviants because all of us got that Rick James freakiness inside and even politicians deserve to indulge that side a little bit. So long as they're honest about it. (see post about Italian Prime Minister below)

As much as I loathe the conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart who broke the story and consider him a raging, pus-filled hemorrhoid on the ass of the American body politick, he is right. What took down Weiner was not picking up chicks on Twitter but lying about it. Because politicians doing hanky panky outside their marriage become corruptible, susceptile to blackmail and therefore compromised. So Mr.Weiner as much good as you did, you had to go.

But since the DC Beltway Political Pundits Got It Wrong for the 24,516th Time - So here's the real story within the story. When Congressman Weiner wasn't sending out pictures of his weiner to college coeds and porn stars on Twitter he actually was onto something important. He was investigating Supreme Court justice Clerance Thomas and whether he should recuse himself in the event the Healthcare Reform Law goes before the court. Because his teabagger wife Ginnie has personally benefitted financially to the tune of $700,000.

And Weiner subsequently discovered at least three instances where Thomas received speaking fees and other compensation from political organizations only to turn around and rule favorably for their side when cases they had stake in came before the court. Something that could be impeachable. So if the Beltway chattering class could stop snickering long enough for having to use the word penis in a sentence and ask: Was Weiner especially targeted by conservative bloggers to discredit his investigation of Thomas?

FUN BONUS FACT: Since being sworn in to Supreme Court in 2009, Justice Sonia Sotomayor has asked more follow-up questions of attorneys during hearings in one year, then Thomas has throughout his entire Supreme Court career spanning more than 20 years.

So the lesson from Weinergate kids is - If an Internet picture is going to ruin your promising political career at least go down in a blaze of glory. Have something like you snorting cocaine off a hooker's ass while several trannie Guatemalan dwarves dressed as Oompa Loompa costumes attend to your foot fetish. May not be able to wonder the halls of Congress but it probably gets your own reality TV show.

In Italy perhaps the Greatest Newspaper Headline, EVER! - Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlesconi is now facing allegations of having an affair with a 17 year old Egyptian belly dancer. The major news daily in Rome basically yawned with this headline 'Ci Risimo con la gnocca?' which translates to 'Again With the Pussy?' Burlesconi is a man who when asked by journalists years ago about allegedly having over a hundred sexual partners while in office chided them...because he felt they undercounted and should be credited with at least a thousand. (Yep he actually said that) Anyone starting to think we Americans are a tad too uptight about sex?

Katy Perry Tour Rider Revealed - Website TheSmokingGun.com managed to obtain a 24 page tour rider for Perry's upcoming tour and found outrageous demands such as the driver of her limousine 'shall, never make eyer contact with artist' and..'room shall be draped in cream or soft pink plus needs to be outfitted with two cream-colored egg chairs." But most important “ABSOLUTELY NO CARNATIONS” bolded and underlined in the contract. This has some of her fans put off thinking perhaps she's not really down to Earth. Begging the question, Perry shoots whip cream from her breasts in one of her videos, why would she?

Absurdity of backstage demands is measured by the 'Van Halen-No Brown M&Ms in the Candy Jar Scale of Rock Star Excess'. With 10 being Guns N' Roses who abruptly canceled shows at the last minute because backstage did not have right kind of champagne or something, subsequently causing large riots (Montreal and St.Louis 1992, Germany 1993). And 0 being The Jonas Brothers becoming slightly agitated when they got 2% instead of Skim Milk. Perry ranks a 4, sort of in the Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston circa 1992 prior to marrying Bobby Brown category.

Kidnappers Aren't What They Used To Be - Recently police in Devonshire England broke up a kidnap and ransom plot for Joss Stone. A decent but largely unheard of neo Blues, Jazz pop singer and at $2 million dollars ransom, the best her record companies could do would have been about $5 and a signed CD. I've always felt in terms of criminality kidnapping really does not have a good return on investment as say being a drug kingpin or a mafia boss or being Bill Gates. But if you must kidnap at least consider risk versus reward and aim high. For a $2 million ransom I'd kidnap Justin Bieber and threaten to shave off his head. And show them you're serious with a picture of a electric hair clipper next to a tied up Bieber with the note 'The money tomorrow or the mop top gets it!'

The US Debt Crisis Explained - Sometime in August, the US will reach the debt ceiling or limit, the amount of money outstanding the Federal Gov't can legally borrow at one time causing default on its monthly payment back to creditors if its not raised by Congress. Consequently, one of two things will happen, either a debt collector calling themselves 'Rhonda' from The Bank of China will call Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner asking when they can expect payment. Or a complete Worldwide economic calamity will ensue because the full faith and credit of US Treasury Bills is no longer backed up.

To help explain the why were in this situation, imagine President Obama, and House Speaker John Boehner as kids in a pre-school working on a group project together to build a house with popcycle sticks which is our economic recovery supported by a yard which is the Federal budget. Obama (who we'll call Barry) is gluing the sticks and asks Boehner (we'll call him Johnny) for some more glue to finish the project. Johnny replies not until you cut out some of the cardboard paper on the bottom which serves as the lawn. Barry says no we can't do that or else the house will fall over. So Johnny gets mad but instead of crying like usually does, he goes over to the stove, turns on the gas, picks up a match and threatens to light it if he doesen't get what he wants. That's what the debt ceiling negotiations are now about. While we can all agree large deficits and Gov't overspending are bad, let's hope Congressional leaders can act like adults instead of children.

End of an Era, Part 1 - Oprah finished off her show after 25 years and a career resulting in Baby Boomer Narcissism reaching epidemic proportions. Since everybody is contemplating their favorite moments. Here was mine. I was in a auto repair waiting room back in 2001 when 4:00pm struck and the first chords of her theme song began. Filled with terror, I was about to panic when suddenly a news break interrupted about a dire tornado warning in the area and we were in grave danger. This gave me great relief and joy knowing I would not be held captive to watch her show.

End of an Era, Part 2 - Mary Hart retired after 29 years as host of Entertainment Tonight, a show that along with Wheel of Fortune was major contributor to the dumbmification of America. Like Oprah everybody is contemplating their favorite moments. Here was mine. In 1996, after walking out of the Will Smith movie Independence Day because it sucked worse than a Paul Reiser sitcom the day before. I sat in a dentist's office waiting room forced to observe an interview between Hart and Smith and began feeling a severe migraine which was actually intellectual rot taking hold in my brain when salvation came in the form of a revelation. That a show like ET wasn't really news journalism but merely a PR tool created by a consortium of Hollywood Studios to slyly promote new movies, albums, etc. Developing this kind of critical thinking propelled me to graduate college two years later.

Absurdity of Work E-Mail Disclaimers - We've all seen them. Those ridiculous disclaimers at the bottom of workplace e-mails that take up half the message. Here's is a decoding of what the disclaimers really mean.

What It Says
"This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error, you may not read it. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named. If you are not the named addressee you should not read, disseminate, distribute, or copy this email."


What It Really Means
"This disclaimer has no legal relevance in court so feel free to ignore it. If this e-mail wasn't for you to read because it was not intended for you why wouldn't they put it first instead of last after you've already read it? If we were smart we'd install have some log-in or encryption device accesible to the intended person only. Or that thing the CIA does where it self-destructs in 15 seconds.

Because if this e-mail wasn't intended for you and it contained something scandalous like a picture of the CEO is boinking his assistant or criminal detailing a massive conspiracy to commit business fraud. The e-mail would be considered evidence and admissable in court thus inconsequential as to whomever received it. In reality these exist because the life of a corporate lawyer is fairly boring so we spent weeks devising this one little paragraph to make us seem relevant to upper management. We really wish someone would sue us so we'd have have an excuse to talk to that hot brunette over in Human Resources"