It's Time For NEW RULES!!!! (The 2011 Edition)

Yes this concept shamelessly stolen from Bill Maher but it's time for my NEW RULES

NEW RULE #1: Hair Metal Bands from the 80's have to stop blaming Nirvana for the genre's demise - This year marks the 20th anniversary of the release of Nirvana's landmark album Nevermind and undoubtedly there will be whining from aging metalheads blaming the band and subsequent Grunge movement that followed for spoiling the party. Actually heavy metal still lives, just in a different form without all the hairspray, gaudiness, and pleather pants (ie: Disturbed, Sevendust, etc.)

Sadly I'm old enough to remember the pre-Nirvana 90's pop music landscape which was a wasteland of aging 70's rock bands, hair metal, throwaway Pop stars, and clownish Hip-Hop acts. I can specifically recall the first time I listened to Smells Like Teen Spirit on the radio and it was the most refreshing thing I'd ever heard. Sort of the exhilarating feeling that must come after being stuck in a cramped closet with a chain smoker who never bathes but then someone unlocks the door providing an air freshener. Because by 1991 Hair Metal officially descended into self-parody with Warrant's Cherry Pie video. So if Nirvana didn't knock it off its pedestal, someone else surely would have.

NEW RULE #2: But since Grunge flamed out Axl Rose and Slash must reunite to save Rock N Roll - Apparently Maroon 5 and Five for Fighting are the supposed saviors of Rock? Umm no... more like saviors of Adult Contemporary. They basically are this generation's version of Peter Cetera and Chicago. My benchmark for whether music rocks is ask if you were a teenager would cranking it full blast in the car piss off your Mom. With this current crop your Mom would more likely be singing along instead of telling you to shut it off.

So in honor of the upcoming 25th anniversary of their debut album Appetite for Destruction, recorded on a 13 day cocaine/hooker/Jack Daniels fueled bender. I humbly ask surviving members of the ORIGINAL Guns N Roses lineup to save rock music from itself. If GN'R were around today and in prime form, the only reason they would show up on Americas Got Talent would be to burn down the studio and urinate on its ashes.

NEW RULE #3: People angry over Casey Anthony verdict need to realize 'CSI' and 'Law & Order' do not adequately reflect how our criminal justice system works - As much as I think Anthony is probably the Worst Person in the World and whom the gates of Hell cannot open fast enough. You cannot blame the jury because in a Capital Murder Case circumstantial evidence alone should not be enough to convict. Either Anthony is so diabolical she perpetrated one of the most brilliant cover-ups in history or simply the luckiest trailer trash mom alive. But without physical evidence linking her to the crime, the verdict is understandable though I wish they had voted split jury instead of acquittal so the not ready for prime time prosecution team would have a second shot.

If anyone wonders what the flipside to that coin is, take the case of the West Memphis 3 in Arkansas. Back in 1991 a trio of teenagers were convicted of murdering a little boy based solely on the evidence that they liked heavy metal, therefore they must worship Satan, and since one time they hung out in the woods where the boy was murdered it must surely be them. Never mind there was not one shred of physical evidence linking them to the crime. Today they along with far too many others sit on Death Row under questionable prosecution. If you want to get angry over injustice, start getting angry over that.

NEW RULE #4: Nancy Grace needs to STFU - Police in Florida might have been able to connect Anthony to the murder of her daughter via hard evidence had they been given more time and patience by the general public. But Grace and her $10 mall hair cut had to start a virtual lynch mob by playing judge, jury, and executioner creating a spotlight that made their jobs impossible. And why is it that Grace only seems concerned with blond, attractive, All-American girls who go missing? Considering girls and women who live in poor and minority areas tend to be at higher risk of falling prey to sexual violence and exploitation, how about someone advocating for them for a change.

NEW RULE #5: There needs to be a temporary embargo on the use of the word 'Really?' - Uh, Really? Yes, really. It's a clever device when used in response to witnessing a stunning display of ignorance, or something just plain bullshit stupid. But like TV show Glee, and singer Selena Gomez it might becoming a little too big for its own good. Therefore, I impose a one-year moratorium on its use to prevent overuse. Sort of like fishing quotas. In its place is the always acceptable 'Are you (bleeping) kidding me?'

NEW RULE #6: There also needs be a five year embargo on movies based on a comic book - Or a classic but underrated 80's movie, or popular childhood toys from the 80's, or a popular 70's TV show, or a video game, or a Japanese horror film, or a prequel to the last sequel of an already existing superhero movie franchise, or a reimage of a superhero movie done just 15 years ago, or a spin-off of a minor character from a superhero movie, or based on the concept of Superhero X meets Superhero Y, or any superhero movie where the marketing campaign for collectible action figures sold in fast food restaurants came before the writing of the actual script.

NEW RULE #7: Victims of Bernie Madoff must stop complaining - For the most part I don't feel bad for the vast majority of them since for over 20 years while the stock market fluctuated like a rollercoaster, they got magical 5% returns seemingly every month. And not once did they ever bother to question if that was even statistically possible or perhaps something fishy might be going on. Which made them Wall Street's favorite kind of combination in a client: Greedy and Dumb.

Madoff's victims really can't claim collectively of getting bilked out of $40 Billion since they never really had that money to begin with. And considering the court appointed trustee on the case has recuperated $3 Billion dollars to spread among just a few thousand people in compensation. I'd say they made out pretty good, which is a lot more than the average American can say about their life savings after the Financial crisis occurred.

NEW RULE #8: Twitter must idiot-proof the service for pro-athletes, celebrities, and politicians - You know that device on internet log in pages called 'captcha', the squiggly letters or numbers you have to enter before it can be submitted? I'm thinking something along those lines for celeb tweets. Things like 'Hey there sports star, are you sure calling your boss a greedy Jew will really help you get that contract extension?' or 'Hey teen idol, are you sure the Disney home office will like that twit pic of your breasts?' or 'Hey Senator, we noticed someone is trying to send a profile picture of a penis to some 19 year-old. Surely, that wouldn't be YOURS, right?'

NEW RULE #9: Celebrities need to refrain from giving out parenting advice - Oh how cute, some A-List movie or TV star had a baby! And to listen to them gush and gleam over every little burp and bowel movement you'd think they were the first woman ever in the history of human beings to have a baby. Glad to hear celebmoms are happy but the rest of us parents living in the real world really don't want to hear it. I'm guessing a JLo, or a Katie Holmes, or a Kate Hudson never had to run out at 2 in the morning to find a 24 hour pharmacy because the kid has 103 temp, or trek through a snowstorm to get diapers, or dole out the equivalent of a mortgage for daycare. Not saying celebs don't love their kids, but really what can someone with a staff of nannies really say that's useful to anyone.

NEW RULE #10: During political arguments, combatants can no longer call their opponet a Nazi - Last I checked reforming healthcare, raising taxes on the rich, or reforming Social Security does not make somebody a Nazi. That label should be reserved for really specific instances like perpetrating a mass genocide against a religous or ethnic group, and attempting to install worldwide Fascism through military invasion of peaceful countries. Calling my HR Rep a Nazi for warning me about photocopying my ass (I'm speaking hypothetically of course) is a false equivalency which minimalizes the true atrocities inflicted by them and undermines why they should always be loathed. So lets relagete Nazism should to the two places it belongs, the scrapheap of history and Glenn Beck's closet.

NEW RULE #11: The Religous Right needs to go away - I certainly believe religion of any kind has a right to participate in the public square of ideas and civil discourse. But the problem I have with the Religous Right who basically are a fringe minority of Christians is that they disproportionately dominate the attention around election time. Their pet peeves like abortion, stem-cell research, and Gay marriage have no consequence on the future of this country. Yet these issues always suck out the oxygen of every Presidential election and divide people unnecessarily while preventing the real important issues from being debated.

The Religous Right are sort of like that crazy Aunt every family seems to have, who people try to ignore, but because she has money, you can't call her crazy, but 'eccentric'. And at family dinners, everyone squirms while the Aunt spoutsoff her paranoid, delusional theories about everything but especially sex. And because the Religous Right seem to have money and influence they have lately been pushing some very 'eccentric' legislation in State Legislatures accross the country. A sampling:

1.Elimination of No Fault Divorce Laws, virtually forcing unhappy couples to stay married unless someone cheated or got abused (Kansas, North Dakota)
2.Making women who've had miscarriages show evidence to law enforcement that it wasn't an illegal abortion (Georgia)
3.Overturning US Supreme Court case Griswold vs. Connecticut which established the right of married couples to use contraception and establishes the right to marital privacy (Alabama)

These aren't just creepy, they go against the ideals of individual freedom this country was founded on.

AND FINALLY NEW RULE #12 - True Education Reform starts with holding teachers accountable to teach....
But also includes holding students accountable to actually learn what is being taught and to put down the God Damn video game and do their homework.

It also includes holding parents accountable for ensuring that their kid comes to school ready, willing, and able to learn.

It also includes holding school adminstrators accountable for ensuring a environment where kids who want to learn can learn, and jerk-offs who bully and disrupt get sent home for an ass-beating.

It also includes holding school boards accountable for making sure education is their priority and not simply a stepping stone for furthering their own political careers.

It also includes holding communities accountable to see that its schools are adequately funded and equipped so that learning may take place.

And while on were on the subject of communities, maybe ornery, cranky Senior citizens could vote for a school levy once in awhile. Seeing as previous generations gave their kids that courtesy when they were in school, perhaps this crop of Elderly could extend the same courtesy to the next generation.

It also includes holding University and college Presidents accountable to keep higher education affordable and attainable for qualified students from average, working families while not saddling them with six figure debt for the good portion of their adult lives.

It also includes holding the media accountable to get away from pushing the pop culture notion that being smart is uncool because being considered a nerd isn't the worst thing that can happen at age 13.

It also includes holding State and Federal lawmakers accountable for overseeing an educational system that focuses kids on being ready for a 21st Century economy where the US must compete with cheap labor oversees and we no longer have the edge in technological advancement. You know a public education system that produces adults who are thinkers, doers, leaders, dreamers, go-getters, boundary-breakers, and optimists.

Because in areas where bad schools exist the future generation is gonna need to be all that to clean up the mess made when too many grown-ups of all stripes at some point stopped caring about the quality of education in their community. While there are bad schools, there are indeed just as many if not more good schools out there. What separates the good from the bad is whether the surrounding community as a whole values education or not.

I actually think overall our schools are doing a good job, but like a lot of things in this country we could do better. But simply making teachers the enemy for all its shorfalls really masks the larger societal factors that are bringing down the quality of our kids' education. What's really sinking education in this country is the gradual loss of a sense of the common good replaced by a selfish, narcissistic, me-first mentality.

Oh and one last thing. Be wary of education 'reformers' who want to completely overhaul the entire system (coughs under breath Michelle Rhee). The risk of giving them full control of our education is sort of like paying a carpenter to rearrange the Living Room and they instead bulldoze the house.