My Unnecessary Guide To the 2012 Republican Presidential Primaries

Warning: The following has been satirized for your protection. Photos courtesy of Wonkette



Since the Washington Post political reporting is staffed by a bunch of idiots, Fox News are bunch of corporate shills, and NYT's Maureen Dowd is an overrated hack. I thought I would bring you the only political analysis of the Republican Presidential Primary that really matters. Otherwise known as I read political blogs so you don't have to.


Here I evaluate each candidate rating their threat to Obama in Joe Biden BFD units (Big Fuckin Deal). This score ranges from 4 (Causes Obama to get gray hairs and need a cigarette) to 0 (Obama can start making plans for his Second Term Inauguration).


The Corporate Establishment Bracket


Mitt Romney

Romney surveys his fiefdom

You might know him as - Former Governor of Massachusetts


Strengths - Republicans like their nominees to look 'presidential' and Romney looks like he came straight from central casting for the part. Essentially the man bankers are counting on to keep the Bush tax cuts going.


Weaknesses - Has managed to take both sides of every issue at some point in his political career depending upon which way the wind blows. Also he created universal health care reform in Massachusetts which looks oddly similar to the one Obama instituted.


BFD Meter - 4


Jon Huntsman

That's Huntsman with an H not C

You might know him as - Former Governor of Utah and US Ambassador to China

Strengths - Moderate with ability to raise conservative talking points without scaring the off Independent voters. Has good hair, Also his daughters are hot which should excite Maxim readers (see below).




Sadly reporters were more interested in his daughters


Weaknesses - His moderate tone probably won't play well with the typical evangelical, Southern conservative who like their politics deep-fried. Neither will his stint as Ambassador to China where he was appointed by...Obama


BFD Meter - 2


Newt Gingrich


Asshat sold separately


You might know him as - Former Speaker of the House of Representatives, History professor, Bill Clinton's arch-nemesis, professional asshole

Strengths - The ultimate shape-shifter. A politician who can survive in just about any political landscape. Can raise money from Wall Streeters in the one day and spend it posing as a fire breathing populist to the Tea Party in the next.

Weaknesses - Never met a microphone he didn't like which leads to a daily helping of him looking like gasbag. Thus as voters get to know him the less they tend to like him. His serial adultery won't play well with the Born Again Christian crowd.


BFD Meter - 2.5




The Tea Party/Religious Right Bracket (aka The people clinging to their guns and religion)


Rick Perry



Clearly compensating for something

  You might know him as - Current Governor of Texas


Strengths - Can bring the Southern good ol' boy charm along with the good hair and rap that speaks to the NASCAR race fan voting bloc. Has managed irritate Karl Rove which gives him Anti-Establishment cred that Tea Partyers crave.

Weaknesses - 'There are three departments that I will cut as President: Education, Commerce, and uh...uh....umm....(90 seconds later)...uh..Oooops..can't think of the third'
Nothing like having a brain fart on Nationally televised debate.


BFD Meter - 2


Michele Bachmann




I'm crazy like a fox...or just crazy

 You might know her as - Current Congresswoman from Minnesota


Strengths - Went Tea Party before it was cool to go Tea Party among GOP power players. While some dismiss her as crank, may have have Machiavellian instincts to dial up just enough crazy to appeal to the Far Right but stay under the mainstream media's radar.


Weaknesses - May actually be batshit crazy. Seems to have problem reconciling some her claims to anything resembling reality.


BFD Meter - 1


Rick Santorum




She googles 'Santorum'

 You might know him as - Former US Senator from Pennsylvania


Strengths - The Religious Right's preferred candidate after publicly stating he would outlaw Abortion and thinks all contraceptives should be banned which secretly gets Pat Robertson aroused.


Weaknesses - Google 'Santorum'...seriously...do it...no really...you've got try it!


BFD Meter - 1




The Libertarian Bracket (aka Conservatives who like to smoke weed and watch South Park)


Ron Paul




Paul and his freedom loving, tax hating groupies

You might know him as - Current Congressman from Texas

Strengths - Quite possibly the only man in Washington who actually says AND does what he believes. Has been the only Republican to voice concerns about War on Terror infringing on civil liberties.


Weaknesses - As patron saint of the Ayn Rand crowd is not afraid to say he would dismantle Medicare and Social Security which considering retired voters are major voting bloc means he has a snowball's chance in Hell in a general election. Karl Rove would burn down the GOP convention before allowing Paul to get the party's nomination.


BFD Meter - 2


Gary Johnson


You might know him as - Former Governor of New Mexico


Strengths - Popular governor in a largely Democratic state and possibly only Governor to ever sport a pony tail. Bears a strong resemblance to 'The Dude' in the Big Lebowski


Weaknesses - Wants to legalize marijuana and reform immigration which puts him squarely against the law and order crowd.


BFD Meter - 1




The Not.Gonna.Happen.Ever Bracket (BFD Meter for each name below sums up to 0 POINT 0)


Buddy Roemer




You might know him as - Former Congressman and Governor of Louisiana


Strengths - Served both State and Federal level.....


Weaknesses - Served both State and Federal level...as a Democrat in the 80's


Thaddeus McCodder


You might know him as - You probably don't but Current Congressman from Michigan


Strengths - Thaddeus who?


Weaknesses - see above


Fred Karger


You might know him as - You almost certainly never have but he was political consultant if you really need to know


Strengths - First openly gay politician to run for President


Weaknesses - First openly gay politician to run for President...for the GOP nomination...in a party that virulently anti-Gay. Good luck with that sir.


Gone but not forgotten:
Herman Cain (His endorsement could be key)


Gone and very much forgotten:
Sarah Palin
Tim Pawlenty


And the WINNER of the GOP Primary will be: Mitt Romney! Gingrich and Perry split the Religious Right/Tea Party/Batshit Crazy voters who make up the Anyone but Romney contingent which provides Mittens the opening he needs pass through to the Winner's circle. Ron Paul continues his Don Quixote'esque quest for the Presidency which ends up like a cult TV show: has rabid, cult following but falls far short in terms of actual votes and ends up cancelled.


And the WINNER of the 2012 Presidential election will be: TOSS UP! Essentially a replay of 2004 where a vulnerable incumbent faces a flawed challenger. Whoever wins it will be a 51-49 split.


Forget Meet The Press since David Gregory is an absolute tool...because THIS could be the key to deciding the 2012 race: The dark horse for running mate would be Marco Rubio, US Senator from Florida. A Romney/Rubio combo would peel away two big voting groups Obama would need: white college educated professionals and Hispanics.











Black Friday Madness, Insane Clown Posse, and Belguim = Anarchists' Paradise

by Jason Neal

From The Annals of Chutzpah - In an attempt to clear their good names and protect whatever is left of their once grand fortune. The Non-indicted members of the Madoff family (so far) have written a tell-all arguing they knew nothing of Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme, that essentially boils down to: 'Even though we had no idea where the $2 Billion came from, we just cashed the checks and assumed he got it waiting tables or something'.

Legal analysts when asked if this strategy would work replied 'Uh good luck with that.' So best strategy for the Madoffs is to change their name, go to some faraway country, and just disappear. Because there is a reason you never meet anybody with the last name of Ponzi anymore.

The latest Terror Threat To America - Juggalos, the self-described fan base of the rap duo Insane Clown Posse (see photo) who may or not may be some post-modernist, absurdist comedy act were labeled a gang by the FBI. But lest Juggalos get confused for Bloods, Crips, or Hell's Angels, loitering in the parking lot of the local 7-11, while wearing facepaint and drinking Diet Faygo would not exactly be construed by prison lifers as 'hard core'

Look out middle America, it's your worst nightmare

NBA Lockout Avoided - Thankfully only about 15 games of a 82 regular season had to be cancelled (and you thought NASCAR dragged on forever). This will undoubtedly spare the most vulnerable and I speak of the entourages of the players of course. Those unsung heroes who make sure the Escalade is ready for that 2:30am ride to the strip club and there are enough dollar bills to make it rain. And you can really blowout your thumbs handling haters on a players Twitter account.

America Is Now Officially China's Bitch - The US Military backed out of a deal to sell Taiwan several fighter jets, officially saying it did not want to escalate tensions between China and Taiwan whom China considers a renegade province and gets miffed when Taiwan's dogs poops on it's yard. In reality its because US is so indebted to China that all the Beijing has to do to destroy America is call in the debt. So Taiwan, it was nice knowing you.

Belgium: The Hot New Destination for Anarchists - From April 2010 through December 2011, Belgium was officially without a government after its Parliament could not produce a ruling majority marking a European record for longest period without a government. No economic collapse, or chaos or societal breakdown were reported. Just Belgians carrying on at what they do best namely drinking beer, making chocolate, and holding a 200 year old grudge with the French. Many people wonder if the US would prosper without central Gov't but that's pure hogwash. Because corporate lobbyists would be out of a job.

Oil Isn't the only natural resource about to run out - Remember when coffee cost a nickel? In the near future we may be saying 'Remember when coffee only cost $20?' Thanks in part to the rapid growing middle class in the developing World who have formed an insatiable demand for coffee. And global warming where new research from the International Centre for Tropical Agriculture warned it would become too hot to grow coffee in many the world's main producers like Ghana and Ivory Coast by 2050.


So that Cup O' Joe may end up being called Cup O' MY God, You Want Me To Pay What?

Does It Actually Pay To Be Nice? - According to Guido Heineck of the Inst. for Employment Research the answer is No. His study published in Industrial and Labor Relations Review he found a negative relationship between earnings and agreeableness. So in other words the bigger asshole you are, the more likely you are to make more than your co-workers. But also presumably there is a negative relationship between being a prick and odds of being invited to happy hour.

...which probably explains Wall Street Bankers' Success - Traders on Wall Street boycotted Mario Batali's restaurant Babbo in New York's financial district after he likened them to Stalin or Hitler. One unnamed trader complained to Wall Street Journal 'I can't believe I just spent $4,000 there the other night' which highlights why Occupy Wall Street exists. How many Americans in this economy can afford to drop $4,000 on a restaurant tab for trendy Italian food? And Wall Streeters wonder why the other 99% hate them.

You Go Girl! - Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback got owned by a high school senior in what quite possibly is the most pathetic display of power in American politics. After 18 year-old Emma Sullivan trashed Gov.Douchebag Brownback via Twitter, aids to Brownback who saw the tweet tattled to her high school principal who demanded Sullivan write an apology. But Sullivan refused reminding said Principal that First Amendment rights of US Constitution still apply to teenagers and took to the web to call out the Governor as a whining, crying, little bitch which goes viral and Brownback is forced to actually apologize to Sullivan. That kids is how you take on oversensitive, hypocritical, blowhard politicians.

So Much for All That - Herman Cain, millionaire, former CEO of God Awful urr Godfather's pizza and a straight up playa' quit his Presidential campaign after allegations of sexual harassment and adultery. In defense of Cain on two fronts, first I'm sure in the pizza business there is legitimate use of the phrase 'Hey Baby, would you like some hot sausage in your pie'. Second, carrying on an affair for 13 years is still longer than any monogamous relationship Newt Gingrich ever had.

NEW RULE - If you pepper spray other people waiting in line at Wal-Mart or step over a dying elderly man to get last $9.99 DVD player during Black Friday you are officially insane - I know they call it Black Friday Madness but really that's just an expression. The sudden disappearance of tanning beds from the Jersey Shore probably would not elicit as much hysteria. Because technically Christmas is about the birth of Jesus and if he were here he would tell everyone waiting for Target to open at midnight to calm the fuck down.






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