A Non-Nerd Guide to the NSA Surveillance Program (or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Data Mining)

This summer the world was wracked when Edward Snowden dropped the bombshell that the US Gov't had and was using the ability to intercept and eavesdrop electronic communication that flows through American telecom companies. It literally sounded like something out of George Orwell's 1984 as an all seeing, all-knowing Govt entity that could literally spy on American lives left many people creeped out. But on the flip side was also acknowledgement that terrorists love to use e-mail, internet chat, and cell phones to plan attacks and that this program with proper oversight could be a useful tool in preventing another 9-11 type attack.

So with these conflicting views how should we feel about this program? Well since the NSA Surveillance program happens coincide with one of my specialties data analysis, so let me walk you through it so you can at least feel confident to make up your own mind. If all else you'll at least be armed with knowledge to enhance your party conversation skills or argue with your curmudgeon uncle over Thanksgiving dinner.

Okay hotshot what makes you an expert? Technically I'm not a statistician (no Ph.D) but I play one on TV and for my employer (Hint its a health insurance company with a big blue cross and a big blue shield). But before you can use statistics you have to understand data which is the key to understanding what the NSA is doing.

So what the hell is the NSA doing? During the Iraq War in 2005 when the US military was being inundated with insurgent attacks, NSA director Keith B.Alexander started the Real Time Regional Gateway electronic surveillance program which collected and analyzed electronic communication of Iraq insurgents to eavesdrop on their activities. To do this they collected and stored ALL electronic communication from our telecoms and social network providers since much of Iraq's communication at the time had to flow through American and European owned channels. Nothing excites intelligence agencies than listening in on people, the program eventually grew into something called PRISM, a clandestine mass electronic surveillance data mining program known to have been operated by the NSA since 2007.

Now the program has two parts, the ability to actually eavesdrop and listen to phone conversations or social media chats which the NSA can do to American citizens with known foreign contacts already under suspicion for up to a week without a warrant. After which they would need a warrant from something called a FISA Court (Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act). So technically the Gov't needs permission but what's up for debate is how faithful and adherent these FISA courts, and intelligence agencies are to the actual letter of the law. However since nearly a billion new electronic records are created every day there is no way for any individual agency to sift each and every new record. So they need the help of technology.

So the second part is using PRISM which performs data mining to cull through collectively several trillion records and use a statistical technique called predictive modeling to find a literal needle in the haystack of a potential terrorist. This part is actually the key to understanding how the NSA targets or selects people for electronic surveillance and what I'm going to help explain. In all likelihood the average American is not being eavesdropped on because let's face it, most of us live boring lives. So that occasional porn, facebook stalking, or online googling of Selena Gomez that makes men feel sorta dirty afterward is in all likelihood not going to have the NSA checking in on us. But we should at least be diligent and demand from our Gov't that its use isn't falling outside legal boundaries.

Did you say Trillions of records..with a T? Yes. We are now in the era of what's called 'Big Data'. Every time you use your cell phone, browse the internet, or send e-mail, you leave a data point. Over time a heavy internet or phone user will create thousands and thousands data points. All of which your friendly, reputable telecomm provider, social media site, etc accumulates and thanks to the Protect America Act of 2007 can provide to the NSA without a warrant. Well technically they need a warrant through a top secret court called FISA and thankfully the Bush administration's faithful adherence to the Constitution...well who are we kidding let's just assume they can touch everything.

Where did they get this idea? Predictive modeling has been around for at least 20 years and used for analyzing all sorts of human behavior and  in my line of work its used as an epidemiological tool to find segments of our insurance members who are at risk to get ill and run up huge medical bills. The goal for the model is for the company to intervene high risk members and try to get them healthier before they end up in the hospital. It's most frequently used by corporations in marketing to predict which people would be most likely to respond to a advertising or sales campaign. Whenever you use a credit card, use a shopper's reward card, like something on facebook, or tweet about it, you give marketers valuable information to try to analyze your behavior and preferences to predict your consumer decisions. For example Target found women who bought 13 household items in combination accurately predicted them likely to be 1 to 3 months pregnant thus best
 candidates to send baby catalogs and steer them away from Babies R Us or other maternity stores.

So borrowing this idea the NSA created PRISM to mine through the electronic records and find people who may be fitting the profile of a threat and pass them along to electronic surveillance for a little closer look. Certain red flags like the Arab gentleman discussing purchasing the one way airline ticket, or Neo Nazi who looks to be increasingly going off the rails, or an MTV reality star announcing on Twitter they're releasing a music album will probably land on the NSA eavesdroppers inbox.

So how does it work? Any predictive model is built on data with the key assumption that the past will help predict the future. You develop a model by performing data mining to find two things: the significant predictor variables of an event which are X, and the probability of an event occurring which is Y. You build your model based on past events from X with the assumption they can predict Y in the future.

So how do we know it works? The performance any predictive model can be measured and evaluated. To be considered a legit or working predictive model at a bare minimum has to meet several criteria listed below. With that in mind here are FIVE things the NSA must demonstrate to justify their use of snooping of our internet data. Ideally if our Congresspeople actually were smart and diligent in their role of oversight (Michele Bachman is retiring so there is hope) they would demand NSA prove they meet the following criteria before allowing this program to proceed:

1.Accuracy Rate = Simply put its the number of people correctly predicted Y divided by the total number we originally predicted Y. Marketers sometimes only need an accuracy rate of 5% to be successful. Most direct mail marketing only needs be accurate 2% of the time. Telemarketing only 5 to 10%. Say Toyota buys 30 seconds of TV advertising chunks on History Channel to reach the 18-34 male demo who would most likely buy a pickup truck. Do you need all 3 million people watching Pawn Stars to buy a truck? Nope just a small fraction. If Toyota gains 20,000 new truck owners to get a positive return on investment then advertising to 3 million than accuracy rate of .006% is worth it.


But when talking about predicting criminal behavior and placing someone under suspicion that accuracy rate should be much higher. For the NSA what is your accuracy rate?

2. Validity = This answers how well does my predictive model actually measure the behavior I'm trying to predict. Or in other words how well does my model catch terrorist activity. One way to measure is rule out spurious correlation. For instance did you know an increase in ice cream sales strongly correlates to increase in shark attacks. So should we interpret this as the need to limit sales of ice cream? Nope because what they both have in common is they occur in summertime. And unless you factored that into your model it would be worthless. So how does the NSA know PRISM is valid?

3. Reliability = This answers does my model provide the same results and accuracy when measured over different periods of time and with different data? We do this to rule out something called overfitting. This is when the model become biased on a small set of predictors so a set X variables are good for one dataset but can't be replicated to any others. This often happens when trying to measure something very rare, such as someone being a terrorist or a drug dealer.

So for instance if you wanted to predict the Boston Marathon bombings happening again, significant predictors would include being a young Chechen male who buys a backpack, and a pressure cooker right before a marathon. But those characteristics were unique to the Boston bombings and not much use because in the real world terrorists can come from anywhere with variety of ideas for attacks. Invariably results of the model would be flawed because you would snag a lot of Chechen males who bought backpacks and pressure cookers...because they were probably going camping.

4. False Positives = How do you handle people who are false positives in other words predicted to be positive for Y but they really weren't.Every day you are a false positive and don't even realize it. Every time you throw away a piece of junk mail or hang up on a telemarketer, or skip an internet ad you become a false positive. Some predictive algorithm by some Marketing firm predicted you the right person to advertise whatever to you and you declined or ignored it. In normal cases there are no negative consequences to the average individual because the cost is borne by the company doing the advertising. So when Target sends you a baby catalog but you are not pregnant nor planning on it you simply throw it in the trash. The only loss incurred is to Target for however much postage it spent to send the catalogs.

But what if someone is predicted to be a terrorist but they're really not? What happens to them and what protections are they afforded? Does guilty until proven innocent still apply? A long time ago the FBI kept a secret list of people who checked out flagged books at the library. Things like how to construct a bomb or Adolf Hitler's Mein Kompf would get you on the list. Legend has it back in the 1980's a man named Tom Clancy was visited by FBI agents after data showed he checked a large number of books revolving around nuclear submarine technology and Naval submarine warfare.

The result of the investigation showed Clancy was not a saboteur for the Soviets but instead was a writer collecting information for a submarine thriller story he was writing. That story that would be titled 'The Hunt for Red October' and make Clancy a bestselling author. The main problem is people search the internet for a variety of things, sometimes malicious but a lot of times for knowledge or information. How can the NSA tell whether a college student named Muhammed is researching biological warfare because he's terrorist or because he's write a research paper for class? How can the NSA tell that whether a post on facebook 'I just wanna blow up the World' is a signal launch an attack or just a bad day at work?

5. Peer Review = Having another set of eyes on your model and getting feedback for improvement. If someone were to ask my opinion (that would be an ego boost) I would note a very small, miniature, teensy, but possibly very humongous, large flaw in the NSA's PRISM technology. Predictive modeling assumes the human behavior being studied is normal behavior that will be often repeated again in the future. Which is why it works for everything from marketing, to customer service, to online dating, etc. But the problem is terrorism or any criminality for that matter isn't normal human behavior.

Instead it can be thought of more in terms of a virus or bacteria that constantly mutates and changes in response to the body's immune system or antibiotics. Similarly terrorists will change and adapt their tactics to evade notice meaning yesterdays terrorist attack most likely won't be repeated tomorrow because law enforcement is now looking for it. Thus predictive modeling as the NSA uses it now may not be effective. So instead the NSA may well be better suited to borrow models from Biostatistics which predict how and possibly when mutations in viruses and bacteria will occur. This would better answer what would be a terrorists next step assuming they won't repeat the past.

Now for a few more questions
Is This Legal? Funny you should ask because a lot people are asking that as well. And the answer will most likely come from the Supreme Court in a few years as to whether it violates the US Constitution Fourth Amendment which prohibits any unreasonable search or seizure without probable cause and a warrant. Meanwhile some in Congress are not waiting for the issue to make it's way through the courts as Sen.Rand Paul (R-Kentucky; the slightly less paranoid, bat shit crazy version of his father Ron) has proposed a bill to limit the NSA's surveillance program.

Edward Snowden had a hot, stripper girlfriend. Does that mean I should be a data analyst to land a stripper? Snowden is what statisticians call an anomaly or outlier, an observation way outside mean distribution such that it skews the results. Because if you were ask a 100 male data analysts if they're girlfriend was a stripper, probably 100 would reply 'Girls? You mean real ones? Like actually talk to them?' Past research shows strippers are attracted large, shiny objects and large amounts of money.


Edward Snowden was going to get asylum in Ecuador. How would you rate his choice? Ecuador has it all for the Int'l fugitive on the run. Jungles, mountains, beaches, Inca ruins, the Galapagos islands. I give him props for good taste in travel.

Miley Cyrus, An Epic Obiturary and Cats Secretly Want To Kill Us

Apparently there's something called Twerking - At this year's MTV Music Awards the definite lowlight (because usually there are no redeeming highlights with the VMAs) was Miley Cyrus dry humping Robin Thicke and giving fellatio to a foam finger. Naturally this gave way to episodic fit of pearl clutching and gasping in shock as Americans asked how in the hell did uber boring mench Alan Thicke birth such a cool kid..urr..has America gone into the toilet? Whatever happened to our morals? Will someone please think of the children?

The answer is America's moral fabric was not shattered because a Disney child star appears to be have become Linda Lovelace. Instead its Occam's Razor that states the simplest answer is usually right one which in this case would be a publicity stunt that didn't work (or did it?)

With the collapse of the commercial radio and MTV no longer programming music, pop stars now need to do more and more outrageous stunts to get their music noticed. The MTV Video Awards have now become a showcase of how pop stars out douchebag themselves to grab attention. But the aforementioned awards should be renamed the YouTube awards, because that's the only place you can find music videos nowadays. If artists were smart they'd abandon MTV in favor of outlets who still program music and show videos like Fuse.

But to digress Miley's advisor is the same dude who ten years earlier convinced Britney Spears to dance onstage with a yellow python. Was it depraved? Yep. Was it shocking? Yep. Did it work in marketing albums? Yep. FYI guess what single is #1 this week? 'Wreckingball' by Miley Cyrus. All of the media concern trolls can consider themselves owned.

Michael Douglas says he got oral cancer... - ..from going downtown on the ladies. Scientists confirmed because HPV which lives in a woman's va jay jay can be transferred to a man's mouth by umm ...well you know. When asked for comment 150 million American men went 'Wait..wha,wha,wha...what!?

We now can confirm what the sound of silence actually sounds like - Brandy Norwood pop star, TV star, and vehicular homicidist was set to stage a massive concert at a 65,000 seat stadium in Cape Town, South Africa. But there was no need for ticket scalpers or camping out the night before tickets went on sale as 40 people...yep 40 (four...zero) showed up. Brandy's PR rep said it was sell out and that many of the fans showed up dressed as yellow seats.


Hey ladies, George Zimmerman is single! - Just for the record if I was on the jury for the Trayvon Martin trial I would have voted Not Guilty for murder BUT Guilty for manslaughter and financially liable to the Martin family. Because while I believe Zimmerman did not intend to kill Martin, he is a knuckle-dragging moron who should be held responsible for his death because didn't listen to directions. And you wonder why Mrs.Zimmerman wants a divorce giving up all that 200 urr 300 urr 350? pounds of man meat.

Charlton Heston only has it partially right about guns themselves don't kill people. Instead idiots with guns often manage to get themselves or other people killed through their careless action. My take on what happened is Zimmerman sees a black kid, assumes he is threat and calls 911. Had he listened to the operator and let police engage Martin none of this tragedy would have happened. Instead Zimmerman engages Martin, starts a fight which he gets the worst of, and in the course of getting his ass whooped shoots Martin. My biggest fear of stand your ground laws is it enables those who think carrying a gun makes them invincible and a license to start looking for trouble. Which doesn't take long because trouble tends to be right around the corner from these people.

White People, LOL - The winner of 2013 Miss America pageant was not the usual Southern debutante with a large set of horse teeth encased in a plastic smile but Nina Davulari an Indian American college student from New York. Statistically speaking whites comprise 66% of the American population and slowly decreasing, so probability dictates there's a 1 in 3 chance of having multi-ethnic beauty queen represent the US. Racists however did not take the news well.

Remember when social media was supposed to create this marketplace of interesting ideas and free thought that would uplift American society to fulfill its lofty goals? Well as Twitter demonstrated that's not happening anytime soon. But what Twitter also shows is that racists sure are dumb.

    How the fuck does a foreigner win miss America? She is a Arab! #idiots
    — Jake Amick (@jakeamick5) September 16, 2013

    And the Arab wins Miss America. Classic.
    — POOKIE. (@Granvil_Colt) September 16, 2013

    Miss America? You mean Miss 7-11.
    — CHEEZ-IT (@JPLman95) September 16, 2013

    Sand nigger is up #missamerica
    — Chris Black (@ChrisBlack57) September 16, 2013

If you are going to spew vile and vitriol all over the internet at least get your racism straight. Indian is not the same as Arab and Hindu is not the same as Muslim. It would be like calling me a white honkey obscuring the fact I could be a drunken Irishman, angry Scotsman, an English toffee, German sourkraut, or Welsh sheepf**er.

Cats are secretly plotting humanity's demise -

To the untrained eye, cats can sometimes seem like nature's biggest dickheads. I mean they're never excited to see when you get home. You have to come to them not vice versa, and the only want you unless they want something. Well according to British Zoologist John Bradshaw its because cats have only been domesticated for a few thousand years and have not become exclusively vegetarian so they are constantly looking for meat which explains their unexpressive faces and aloofness. Or as the blog Jezebel put more bluntly 'dogs actually get people, whereas cats, for all their purring and biscuit-making, don’t give a fuck about people. They’re cold, calculating predators with visions of offal and bloody meat bits dancing through their heads. Also, since cats can’t taste sweets, they’re pretty much certified evil, a gift of domestic pest control from the bowels of Hell'

Tired of fighting wars over oil? Good news soon humanity will be fighting over something else - Recently the Georgia legislature passed a law asking Congress to move its boundary with Tennessee 1.1 miles to the North giving citing an Colonial era surveying mistake. Obviously Tennessee's governor did not take to kindly to the move seeing this would give Georgia access to the Tennessee River and parts of Chattanooga and threatened to mobilize Nat'l Guard troops to defend it's border. The proposed boundary changes most certainly will never happen, so both states will have to settle their differences as they have the past 100 years in the South through college football.

But it does highlight around the World that the next flashpoints in the coming century will not be over oil but over water. The reason for Georgia's move was they have so badly mismanaged their natural resources that the exploding population of Atlanta and its surrounding suburbs is rapidly exceeding its available water supply. So by getting a foothold on the Tennessee river they would hope divert some of that liquid gold. Which would not bold well for down river communities like Birmingham and Nashville.

To see where a flashpoint could actually explode look halfway across the World to the Aral Sea in the former Soviet Union. At one time the Aral Sea was one of the four largest fresh water lakes in the World (five times the size of Lake Superior). But decades of environmental mismanagement have left just 10% of its original size. Now add 50 million people spread among five former Soviet republics that are so politically unstable it makes a Guns N Roses reunion seem like an Osmond family dinner.

Already two of them Uzbekistan and Krygystan are already quibbling with each other over using the former's use of the Aral Sea for cotton farming. What happens when others Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, and Kalafragalistictan can't agree on the best way to share the last remaining water for their drinking and economic needs?

The Reason why parents should treat their kids well - Following was a real obituary in Reno, NV of Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick born 1/4/35 from her surviving children:

Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick born Jan 4, 1935 and died alone on Aug. 30, 2013. She is survived by her 6 of 8 children whom she spent her lifetime torturing in every way possible. While she neglected and abused her small children, she refused to allow anyone else to care or show compassion towards them. When they became adults she stalked and tortured anyone they dared to love. Everyone she met, adult or child was tortured by her cruelty and exposure to violence, criminal activity, vulgarity, and hatred of the gentle or kind human spirit.

On behalf of her children whom she so abrasively exposed to her evil and violent life, we celebrate her passing from this earth and hope she lives in the after-life reliving each gesture of violence, cruelty, and shame that she delivered on her children. Her surviving children will now live the rest of their lives with the peace of knowing their nightmare finally has some form of closure.

Most of us have found peace in helping those who have been exposed to child abuse and hope this message of her final passing can revive our message that abusing children is unforgivable, shameless, and should not be tolerated in a "humane society". Our greatest wish now, is to stimulate a national movement that mandates a purposeful and dedicated war against child abuse in the United States of America.

China is becoming one big sausagefest - In demography, there is something called the birth sex ratio which is the ratio boys born to girls in a population. A normal sex ratio is roughly 105 boys for every 100 girls born. (Demographers and anthropologists believe boys are weaker at birth and have slightly higher risk of infant mortality so nature compensates) which ensures a society of having equal gender representation for each generation. Though when your single it never seems that way. But what happens when you mess with the natural order of things? Let's check in on the Chinese to find out.

Since China instituted the one child policy and preference was given to having boys instead of girls its birth ratio is now 120 boys to 100 girls on average and even more out of whack in rural areas. That translates to China 'missing' 40 to 60 million women which means that same number of men aged 15 to 34 are going to have to get used to finding intimacy from their right hand. How bad is it for strapping young lads in China?

Remember those keg parties back in college when it was just a bunch of dudes mopishly hanging around a ping pong table with only 1 or 2 chicks and they're already taken. That sad scene probably describes the Chinese nightlife scene nowadays. Now some men are literally having to advertise themselves on billboards to potential suitors. This of course has Chinese authorities scared shitless because combined with any increase of unemployment means large group of single men with lots of time on their hands = trouble. This is the stuff revolutions are made of. As Confucius once noted 'When you fuck with the natural way of things, it has a way of fucking with you right back'

George Orwell was only about 29 years off - This summer via whistleblower Edward Snowden the world found out the Nat'l Security Agency (NSA) has the ability to monitor phone calls, e-mails, IM chats, etc. by tapping into the data streams of major telecomm companies which transmit such information.

Initially shock came to most Americans after realizing 'My God you mean the Gov't knows my porn habits, too!?' But seeing as terrorists seem to love gmail and gchat it also seemed like a good way to foil terrorists before they can act. So this leaves most Americans conflicted about whether this is a good idea. Thankfully there is a way for NSA to show at least Congress whether this program really catches terrorists or just an excuse for bored analysts to listen in on some really kinky phone conversations.

And I'll explain......in my next blog post next week....yep I'm a tease.

Your Fieldguide to the Modern American Office

Remember back in grade school and getting those Ranger Rick magazines which taught kids all about wild animals and nature? Well here is a useful adult guide in the same vein to the modern corporate office.

The Bunny Rabbit Category: Harmless Creatures sometimes cute who can also be a pest at inopportune times

The Compulsive Printer
Who: Despite electronic storage gaining in leaps and bounds and companies in capability with most companies able to store things digitally. Still insists on printing everything for their records to be stored so in case of that 0.000001% chance they may need to reference that birthday lunch invitation to Chili's.
Can Be Identified By: The one with the most papers sitting around the printer unclaimed.
What To Do when encountered in wild: IF you can, change their default printer to some obscure part of the builiding, and then watch them waste half the day trying to find it.

The Power Typer
Who: Usually old enough to have learned to type on old typewriters, and from the sounds of it is punishing her keyboard for some unseen transgression.
Can Be Identified By: You will know them by their sound and fury. Namely the 'tap,tap,tap,tap,tap' coming from their cube all day long
What To Do when encountered in wild: Requisition a quiet keyboard and after she leaves replace her old one with the new one. Then next day talk in low whispers making her question if she has lost her hearing.

The Overambitious Hotshot out of college
Who: There's healthy ambition. Then there's insanity and this person straddles the line between both. Usually freshly minted form some prestigious (overpriced) college, has designs on running the company by age 35.
Can Be Identified By: The only person in their 20's wearing a suit
What To Do when encountered in wild: Give them an assignment they are sure blow and will demonstrate to 'Junior' there's a big difference between classroom exercises and the real World. Hopefully the message they receive is shut your mouth, open your ears, and learn from more experienced people.

The one-upper, upperer
Who: Regardless of what you've done, wherever you've been or whoever you met. They will have a story that manages to eclipse or top it.
Can Be Identified By: One of these three sentence patterns:
1. 'You did X?, Well I did X and then Y'
 Example: 'You've climbed Mt.Kilimanjaro? Cool I once climbed Mt.Everest and then almost died but thankfully that handsome Sherpa carried me to safety. Once I had reached the top of course'

2. 'You did X? Well I did X and (+ or -) Y'
'You've ran 2:03 hours in the half-marathon? Cool, well I once it in 1:46'

3. 'You did X? Well I did X * Y'
'You've met Mick Jagger on an airplane? Well I once met Mick Jagger, backstage with the rest of the Rolling Stones. And David Bowie also'

What To Do when encountered in wild: When in slow times and needing entertainment, tell an obviously fake story (snipe hunt, were a spy for non-existent spy agency) so as to bait the one-upper, upperer while making it so over the top as others will immediately recognize a joke is about to get played. Then respond by picking apart their story until the whole thing falls apart.

The Cheerleader
Who: Who needs Public Relations when you have this person around. Because their lives end and begin with the company and their happiness almost (always) depends on how the company does so they always try to cheer up everyone esle around them.
Can Be Identified By: 'Uh oh sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays'
What To Do when encountered in wild: Smile at whatever she says and if cornered in conversation put brain on autopilot until the cheerleader has safely moved on.

The Former Hippie
Who: Back in the summer love had the dream residing on a egalitarian commune, living off subsistence agriculture while everyone lived in peace and harmony when the Grateful Dead weren't touring. Today she's an office worker working for 'the man'.
Can Be Identified By: Hemp jewelry, psychedelic artwork, peace sign somewhere on handbag, frequent invitations to volunteer at a ferret rescue center during the weekend.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Can be helpful when settling arguments related to classic rock such as which is better to listen to Jimi Hendrix? Weed or acid?

The Raccoon Category: Not threatening but should handle with care

The Girl you wished you hadn't talked to at the office party
Who: YouTube 'Cecily Strong+Saturday Night Live+The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Talked To at The Party'

Will Be identified By: Lack of any consistent train of thought
What To Do when encountered in wild: Once at the realization this person is a few croutons short of a salad, note you need to go to bathroom (and hide).

The Incessant Meeting Planner
Who: Unable to make a decision on their own so must bring all stakeholders to endless meetings to decide trivial items as part of her OCD to support her habit of CYA
Can Be Identified By: Any Outlook Meeting Request (marked urgent of course) for either Monday at 9:00am or Friday at 4:00pm
What To Do when encountered in wild: Accept meetings when only convenient on your time (which is always almost never) and subtly mention some study showing stopping by someone's desk for five minutes is often more productive than calling an hour meeting.

The 'Eggshell' (Aka 'Lee Harvey', aka 'Gregg Popovich', in Market Research companies known as 'The Statistician')

Who: Derives the name from phrase 'being around them is like walking on eggshells'. Usually very smart, highly skilled and proficient providing a important resource to the company. The only problem being they are sort of mentally unstable and possibly nuts.
Can Be Identified By: Gruff demeanor, frazzled clothes and hair, and broken items around their office as evidence of a mercurial temper with a hairpin trigger.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Brilliance takes times and often cannot be rushed as often rudely requested by Sales or Marketing. They're a genius damn it, and results don't just come at 9:03 due to urgent e-mail before the eggshell has had their first cup of coffee! You want answers? You want results? Now? You'll get that summary when I'm G** D*** ready now get the **** out!! (followed by the sound of their 15th coffee mug this month being smashed to pieces against the door)

Key to avoiding such nasty encounters is mentally gauge what time the eggshell is most agreeable and slowly knock on the door and peer in asking 'Is now a good time?' When asking in e-mail begin prose with 'I realize you are very busy most exalted one, but if I may have a some minutes to discuss an idea that you, master of quantitative universe can judge as worthy of you superior intellect I would greatly appreciate it'.

The IT Help Desk Person
Who: For every Mark Zuckerburg, Steve Jobs or misfit who made it big, there are probably about 100,000 of these guys. Approaching middle age and bitter because that awesome World of Warcraft gaming ability never translated to millions for that next big techie idea.
Will Be Identified By: Lack of people skills, retro Atari t-shirt, bad haircut, and barely able to hide contempt at someone with a girlfriend.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Although easy to dismiss, the IT help desk person can be lifesaver because if your PC isn't working, neither are you. So always stay in his good graces with the key being to make him feel real important. So at xmas show a little love with a $50 gift certificate to GameStop, or massage his ego asking which new laptop he would recommend, or agree with his opinion that the original Tron from 1982 did not need a remake. It just needed smarter people to appreciate the neon glow of pre-CGI special effects and marvel at the true brilliance to the foreshadowing of how computers would rule our lives in the future damn it!

The HR Rep
Who: The useful idiot who was never smart enough for their original major in college so fell back on this instead. Capable enough to do basic tasks, but just dumb enough to be manipulated by the company when it has to break bad news.
Can Be Identified By: Look up the word 'tool' in urbandictionary.com
What To Do when encountered in wild: Like hiking past poison oak, best to avoid if possible. If confronted keep at arm's length by limiting conversation to weather, kids, pets, or a sale at Kohl's. Because remember that behind the dimwit exterior is supposed to be the corporate version of a secret police, always listening and always watching.

The Drama Queen
Who: As Shakespeare once noted 'All the World is a stage', the drama queen believes they are the star of their own reality show and all of the day's developments are to be dramatized for all to see. The main problem is no one really cares to see their performance
Can Be Identified By: One way conversation audible on a cellphone to all to hear followed-up by recap for the camera the coworker of nearest proximity. Usually their day consists of a pendulum swing from love to hate, then love, then back to hate of significant other or any family member.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Did you know Pandora can be streamed from your computer and with headphones it's like your own personal radio station!

The Cheapskate
Who: Never freely donates any cash to employee led collections whether for birthday gift, charity donation, baby shower gift card, etc. But will gladly take in any of the said benefits.
Can Be Identified By: Declined to chip in for a cake in honor of a soon-to be married co-worker, but will be first one in line to grab a piece.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Most obnoxious at Happy Hour taking a few drinks but leaving without putting money on the table for the group tab. If confronted in such situation utilize your State's '1-800-GRAB-DUI' program

The Black Bear Category: Danger!, Danger!


The Frenemy
Who: Person closest to you in position and salary who is most in competition for a promotion. Will be nice to you in person but behind your back the knives will come out.
Can Be Identified By: 'The humblebrag' which is a passive aggressive move of on the surface being self-effacing but subtextually is the equivalent of doing an office touchdown celebration dance.

Example: 'My boss thinks my report should be published at the next conference but I just don't think it's ready yet'
Translation: 'Not to brag but I'm sort of becoming big deal'

What To Do when encountered in the wild: Be low-key and let them underestimate you and your skills. Then find blindspots from their ego because they reveal the weak spots in their talents. Once found use as the attack point to outperform thereby crushing them and leaving their managerial dreams burning in a pile of twisted wreckage on the side of the road to corporate glory. Or read any chapter in Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' and remember the old WWII submarine phrase 'Run Silent, Run Deadly'

The Accenture Consultant

Who: The outside consulting firm brought in by your company to figure out how to do everything more efficiently is really the white collar grim reaper. And like a virus, spreads to just about every industry or company eventually.
Can Be Identified By: From dress as a walking advertisement for Brooks Brothers sporting a white dress shirt with sport coat (but no tie), loafers, and impeccably ironed khakis. From appearance with impossibly white teeth, perfectly placed hair, and looking too young to be wearing a $500 watch. From demeanor will feature an arrogance that pollutes a room like a spilled bottle of Aqua Velva.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Smile, shake hands, remain calm, quietly walk backward until at your desk. Then quickly update your resume because very often Accenture's high impact solution for everything is 'outsource' everybody's job to India for a lot less. And even if you are spared initial lay-offs their million dollar ideas eventually will not work because outsourcing starting to have negligible return and eventually all that extra work falls to you.

The Office Spouse


Who: The person in the office who other than your spouse you confide everything to.
Can Be Identified By: Often of the opposite sex (but not always) who is your go to smoke break buddy, drinking buddy, coffee buddy, lunch buddy, and the person you are probably talking to right now and sharing this list.
What To Do when encountered in wild: Though the most helpful in helping survive the work week extreme caution must always be present when having an office spouse. Though usually platonic, sometimes an underlying sexual tension becomes present, that line can blurred and the drinking buddy at Happy Hour can become a f*** buddy in the parking lot. And next thing you know the workday (and your evening) just got a lot more complicated.

Work spouses are lot like being on the Coast in the Pacific Northwest watching the wild, rugged ocean waves crash into steep, unforgiving stone cliffs. Beautiful, fulfilling, life affirming but best viewed from a safe distance. And never cross that sign reading 'DANGER: No Solid Ground Below!'

The Admin Assistant
Who: The most important person in your office is not the CEO, CIO, CTO, CFO, Executive VP, Senior VP or just plain director level VP. It's the head honcho's admin assistant. Because corporate politics is lot like the British political system. The CEO is like the reigning monarch, anointed, celebrated, regal, but whose position is mostly ceremonial. Real power lies with the Prime Minister, who in the office is often the highest ranking executive's admin assistant.
Can Be Identified By: Usually overlooked, underestimated, but shown esteemed deference by those who are smart and know where the real power lies.
What To Do when encountered in wild: The power of the admin assistant results from being 'the' only one the top executive trusts with their secrets, fears, and plans. All company business (both public and private) flows through her because she is the gatekeeper to the boss' phone calls, e-mail, and calendar. She is the the all knowing, all seeing oracle who can make or break your future if the boss asks about you.

But she is also wise and will immediately dismiss all attempts at brownosing, meaningless flattery, or all around schmuckery. Pity those who treat her beneath them as if merely a 'lowly secretary' for their career advancement is doomed. Because one simply does not walk into the admin assistant's office and begin currying favor. Only those whose hearts are noble, intentions true, and deeds just can gain the trust and magic blessing of the admin assistant. That and an occasional bribe of homemade cookies doesn't hurt either.

NEW Rules 2013!!! (Concept Shamelessly Stolen from Bill Maher)

Like my comedy hero Bill Maher I feel the need about this time every year to spout off on what I think should be new rules....

NEW RULE #1 If your coffee needs a whole lotta choca/latte/sugar/whip cream/mocha/artificial flavoring,etc than it's probably not good coffee 

My wife once worked at a food distribution company and learned the deep, dark secret to Starbucks. Their coffee is awful. Like low grade, bottom of the barrel awful because they've spread so far around to every corner of the globe it needs cheap coffee beans to fill the supply chain. So to cover up the flavor they added all those little extras that turn an ordinary cup of coffee into dessert flavored calorie bomb.

Every day in the city when walking to work, I walk straight past the hordes of hipsters waiting in line at Starbucks and opt for Dunkin Donuts. To me a good coffee doesn't need all those extras other than a little cream and sugar. A good cup of coffee says love me for who I'am and don't turn me into some superficial creation where you don't recognize me. Besides if your that guy who insists on a latte using only milk from goats bred in the Andes, with a dash of hazelnut grown from a rare orchard in Turkey, using only coffee beans that were hand picked by the noble African pigme tribe. If you are THAT guy, you're pretty much announcing to everyone you're pretentious douchebag.

NEW RULE #2 - The Abercrombie & Fitch CEO needs to be cast as the new Hannibal Lector 

With all due respect actor Mads Mikkelson, the title role of Hannibal really belongs to Mike Jeffries, CEO of Abercrombie and Fascist Fitch. Never mind that he was exposed as an XXXL sized asshole in a 2006 interview for saying he only wanted the cool kids' wearing his brand of clothes. And won't make anything beyond size L because he feels overweight people in his clothes would ruin the brand. Never mind his exclusivity of their products makes teenagers already feeling awkward feel even more awkward.

Instead let's focus on how creepy this guy is with his infatuation with pretty, young things. And that face. The kind of face that can only come from an obsession with plastic surgery. The kind of face that may have been made from someone else's face. The kind the killer in Silence of thee Lambs would harvest from those strapping young models used in A&F catalogs possibly kept in a dungeon with Jeffries at the top saying 'It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again' Or casually mentioning in conversation 'an associate once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti'.

NEW RULE #3 AJ Clemente deserves a Do-Over.

Fresh out of the university of West Virginia school of communications, AJ was set for his very first appearance as a newscaster in Bismarck, North Dakota. Then in one of the alltime instances of crapping the bed, he introduced himself to the 5:00pm audience by uttering 'Fucking, shit' into his microphone. The next day he was fired and the station forced to issue an apology.

But why? In new jobs we've all had first day jitters and screwed things up. He accidentally uttered a profanity on-air. So what? It's not like he showed his junk, wore a Nazi uniform, or referred to his female co-anchor as Tits McGhee. It happens all the time. It's what real people do. At what point do we stop with pearl clutching and gasping when someone utters profanity. If anything the station could get all sorts of publicity and ratings boost by letting AJ acknowledge the mistake, apologize, and moving on with the day's other news. 

Just You Tube 'News broadcast FAIL' and you'll find examples far worse. To understand how benign this incident was, Goggle weatherman Tex Antoine to find out why his 1976 New York WABC broadcast is the benchmark that all broadcast FAILS will be judged. I mean fuckin, shit! 


NEW RULE #4 If Hollywood insists on making every comic book into a movie, then Wonder Woman needs to be a priority 

Since the appetite for comic book movie adaptations seems unstoppable, then let's get straight to the only adaptation that really matters. Of course I speak of Wonder Woman where rumors persist of casting Megan Fox in the lead role. Can you imagine her in that outfit and getting roped in by that lasso of truth. What man would not want to see that on the big screen...and my God in glorious 3-D no less...umm....uh oh, was I thinking out loud? Hold on let me wipe this drool from over my chin.

NEW RULE #5 Football star Mante Te'o deserves a break from all the ridicule 

His girlfriend may not have been real but I'm sure the love he felt for her was real. Along with orgasms he had while masturbating to her over the phone.


NEW RULE #6 If first graders learning math need to double-check their work, than so do Harvard economists 

You may not know Carmen Reinhart or Kenneth Rogoff, two renowned economics professors from Harvard (pronounced Hahh-vard by East Coast elitists). But you will certainly know their work in the form of austerity sweeping the US in the form of budget cuts across all levels of Gov't along with proposals to cut the nation's social net like Social Security and Medicare. Because their 2009 study showing a  correlation of excess Gov't spending and negative economic growth in industrialized nations has been cited by everyone from the Congressional GOP to German Chancellor Angela Markel as the need for budget cutting in the face economic downturns.

There was one small problem however. Namely the results were based on a mistake on their Excel sheet calculations. If Reinhart, Rogoff or the indentured servants they call graduate research assistants had double checked their spreadsheet, they would have noticed they forgot to drag down their key formula by five spaces. A grad student named Thomas Herndon from UMass-Amherst (a public university, how poetic) noticed this when he tried to replicate the results for an assignment. When Herndon and his professors corrected the mistake, the revised results show modernized countries actually grew their economies by 2.2% when temporarily increasing spending to ease a recession.

There are two economic theories that have held true over time: #1 In an economic downturn Gov't spending can jumpstart an economy by stimulating the private sector with public projects. #2 Its not a good idea to cut social safety nets during recessions because that's when people for a short-term basis will need them the most. So if anyone out there who needed unemployment insurance but could not get it or saw their kids class size double because of school cuts, Reinhart and Rogoff would like you to know that hey 'Ooops. our bad'

NEW RULE #7 Steubenville High School in Ohio needs fire it's head football coach

Just for reference if your a 3-time State Championship winning coach who when given the evidence of a gang rape perpetrated by some of your players, the correct response is somewhere along the lines of  'Call the police','Is the victim Ok? Does she need help', or 'Whoever has knowledge needs to come forward'. Preferably not ''Delete that off YouTube' as the instructions he texted to his players.

Among many of the reasons the two players tried and convicted never considered rape to be a real crime is because Reno Saccoccia, head coach of Steubenville Big Red was so revered in the town that his team was considered untouchable. Coaches are supposed to leaders of men and examples of character, not enablers of criminal behavior and facilitating a cover-up of rape. To explain how this guy gets an contract extension instead of being fired you need to understand the town. Growing up in Ohio, Steubenville had a reputation as a violent, corrupt, broken steel town where football was king since everyone in town was either drunk, unemployed or usually both. Thanks to coach Saccoccia it's reputation is now as a hemorrhoid festering in the rectum of America.


NEW RULE #8 Wall Street firms eager top pitch me on retirement investing need to clarify how the stock market is any different from gambling
Every time I open my retirement statement it's often with a cringe and/or need a for a stiff tall drink. If I had the time and money I'd do an experiment of comparing my financial adviser to the performance of a monkey randomly throwing its feces at a list of potential stocks.

I'm part of what appears to be ever increasingly screwed Generation X whose main contribution to America will be cleaning up the mess Baby Boomers left behind. We were told college real important but getting too expensive so go ahead and borrow that tuition money. When the student loans were finally paid off in our late 20's Gen X was told to invest in 401K's because pensions and Social security are like for 'old' people. And in our 30's when time to start a family we were told buy a home because it's the rock solid investment that never goes down in value (take a moment for irony). All of these ideas emanated from one way or another from Marketing by financial cartels on Wall Street. And how has that worked out for everybody?

According to BuinessInsider, Gen X collectively on average lost over $33,000 in net worth during the 2008 Wall Street crack-up, housing collapse, and stagnated job growth. So the next time a financial adviser wants to convince me to give him my nest egg to manage, I'll ask them what is the difference between them and just taking my money to a racetrack or a casino and letting it ride?

NEW RULE #9 Rebecca Martinson (aka the deranged sorority e-mailer) needs her own reality TV Show

When we last checked in with Martinson, best known as the Delta Gamma sorority sister who wrote the all time greatest e-mails rants ever (profiled last post), resigned her post at the sorority due to the resulting embarrassment. But turns out the e-mail was just half the story. She also had a Twitter account and apparently it was priceless:


Some other gems:
'failed another job interview today, apparently taking part in an orgy isn't enough proof that one can effectively work as part of a team and protection is overrated'

'might as well be Helen Keller because I have no clue what is going on now #plato'

'What you call morning wood, I call breakfast'

She seems like the female version of Daniel Tosh or this generation's Don Rickles, a likable asshole destined to be the new monarch of insult comedy. So if Bravo's Andy Cohen is listening, seriously this needs to happen like right now.

NEW RULE #10 Religious conservatives can stop with the 'religious persecution' meme anytime now 

Quick somebody call a WAHHHmbulance because some religious leaders are having a sad. As gay marriage becomes inevitable, women gain control of their sexuality, and religious right political influence wanes. Evangelical Christians and the Catholic hierarchy are resorting to claims of 'religious persecution' for their beliefs in America because of being criticized for holding increasingly outdated social views. Persecuted? In America? Really?

What's really happening is the ability of a MINORITY of Christians and some Catholic Bishops to push their conservative beliefs and orthodoxy onto this country is coming to an end. Many people especially younger generations like myself are tuning out the fire and brimstone preaching offered up by the Religious Right opting instead for Christian denominations who prefer to keep it real. And by real I mean actually focusing on helping people and solving social problems. Things Jesus actually talked about in the New Testament.

So it's not persecution but civil disagreement as others either ignore/laugh at/mock/debate religious right leaders everytime they open their mouth and say something stupid. Which seems to occur on a daily basis. So as a consequence in the marketplace of free speech and ideas, crackpot religious groups like Focus on the Family, The Catholic League, and Concerned Women of America find themselves on the fringe rapidly becoming irrelevant. But to demonstrate why this is a horrendous false equivalency let's compare Evangelical Christians in US and the Coptic Christian minority in Egypt.


For the United States since 2011:
# of Christian leaders assassinated for their beliefs: 0
# of Christian churches destroyed in sectarian violence: 0
# of Christians killed in sectarian violence:0
Amnesty International Assessment: Entirely Free

For Egypt since 2011
# of Christian leaders assassinated for their beliefs:2
# of Christian churches destroyed in sectarian violence: 6
# of Christians killed in sectarian violence: 51
Amnesty International Assessment: Not Free;systematic discrimination, Gov't complicit in Islamic terrorist targeting of Copts

The next time Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association wants to claim religious discrimination, remember it's a craven response which minimizes the struggle of people around the World who truly being persecuted for their religion.

NEW RULE #11 Nutrition experts need to make up their damn minds about food

Why is it every day there is some conflicting information regarding nutrition in the news. Recently a British study claimed it's okay to skip meals and still lose weight contradicting previous logic of eat small snacks, don't skip meals to lose weight. For awhile it was the Atkins diet mantra of carbs are bad, carbs are the spawn of the devil so eat protein instead. Then Atkins drops dead from a heart attack, presumably from eating too much meat protein and the cholesterol that comes with it. Previously it was eat Low Fat products because it's healthier. Then never mind, those low fat products compensate for lack of taste with boat loads of sugar making it just as unhealthy. Before that Popeye tells kids eat your spinach and become strong and beat up a bunch of cartoon characters, only to have the FDA later say spinach is nutritionally worthless because back in the 1930's someone misplaced a decimal on a nutritional chart.

When it comes to contradicting themselves other than politicians no one does it better than nutritionists or self described food experts. Strangely it's the things learned in elementary school health class that have served me well and seem to still hold true:
- Food coming naturally from the Earth is usually good and healthy
- Food from a factory consisting mostly of preservatives and chemicals is usually bad
- The key to losing weight is burning more calories than you take in
- Go ahead have some pasta and bread, just don't eat entire bowl or loaf in one sitting.
- It's OK to have that double bacon cheese burger from Wendy's once in a while with the operative phrase being 'once in a while'.
- Salads are good, water is nice, and salad with a water is even better
- And we're all going to die someday, so we might as well eat good (in moderation) which is why you put that bottle of Soy Juice away. It looks like semen.

NEW RULE #12 All US domestic airlines should just go ahead and merge into one airline called Cluster Fuck Airways

Remember when flying was glamorous, exciting and fun? No. Neither did I. If we were take a favorability rating of airlines they would probably rank somewhere between genital herpes and rabies vaccination. With US Airways now merging with American Airlines after having already merged with United Airlines which originally merged with Continental Airlines. Since no one can really tell the difference between either of them, why not just have one, humongous airline that represents are dilapidated air travel infrastructure in this country. It's logo can be the middle finger and motto 'Fly the Friendly Skies or just plain go fuck yourself. Either way we don't care.' 


And Finally NEW RULE I'm calling for a One Million Egghead march on Washington DC

Here in America we love using 'war' as metaphors for just about everything. There's the War on Drugs, War on Cancer, and even a supposed War on Christmas. It's a simple way to draw a line of contrast between the good and the bad. But there's a silent war which hasn't gotten noticed but needs to and it's the War on Science

Recently there were two pieces of legislation introduced in the US House of Representatives that should give anyone who values critical thinking serious pause.

First, the 'High Quality Research Act' by Rep.Lamar Smith (R-Texas) eliminates peer reviewed process at the Nat'l Science Foundation and replacing it with a Congressional stamp of approval for all Federally funded research. In other words get rid of the scientific method and only research what Congress says you can research. The second is the 'Census Reform Act' by Rep.Jeff Duncan (R-South Carolina) which limits the Census Bureau to only the decennial census eliminating the vast amount of demographic, housing, economic, health, and employment statistics that it publishes every year between Censuses.

Now it first glance you think well these Congressmen probably just dumb asses in the spirit of Michele Bachmann. But as you get to know the bill's sponsors you realize this is more about the censorship of science. What Lamar Smith is really targeting is research that contradicts the interests of Big Oil and energy companies. Studies monitoring the impact of global warming and the pollution of vital watersheds from the fracking for natural gas. Studies that could make alternative energy a reality and possibly eliminate the need for coal, oil, and nuclear power.

Jeff Duncan's anti-Census bill revolves around the extreme Libertarian economic policies favored by the very wealthy with the guise of lowering taxes for themselves and shrinking Gov't to the size to drown in a bathtub as Grover Norquist puts it. The problem is facts always seem to get in their way as Census data undercuts the 1%'ers argument that eliminating taxes for the very rich will create economic growth for all. Instead the data which collectively shows the human condition in America reveals while tax rates on the rich are the lowest in a century, income inequality is at it's widest since the Great Depression, the middle class is shrinking, and incomes are stagnating. Hard to advocate a tax cut for the rich when many middle or working class families can see that they are struggling. So Duncan's solution, if the science doesn't agree with you, just eliminate the science.

Whether in a social or physical field, science is about finding the truth. And good science is transparent and objective. Which is why I'm asking not just Ph.D's, nerds or geeks but anyone who believes that critical decisions about our country should be based on evidence and facts, not political agendas or ignorance to rise up in the Million Egghead March. Particularly if you live in Rep.Smith's or Rep.Duncan's district or have an anti-science, knuckledragging, cretin representing you at any level of Gov't. I implore you to march to the voting booth and VOTE their non-science believing assess out of office. Then it would truly be Revenge of the Nerds!

But in closing let me leave you with this thought. What all authoritarian regimes had in common from Nazi Germany, to the military juntas in South America, to the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia. Was that the first people they targeted were the intellectuals, scientists, and other types of people who would pierce through whatever propaganda they wanted the populace to believe. I'm not saying the US is turning into a banana republic but what these anti-science bills really aim for is to misinform and mislead Americans about key issues. Because if a politician or special interest group needs to censure science to the advance their agenda or argument, then it means whatever they are selling is a lie. 

Wherein I dissect that insane sorority e-mail from Univ. of Maryland

I'm a huge fan of meltdowns either in written or verbal form. To me watching someone absolutely lose their shit is perhaps the greatest of all performance art. Recently an e-mail sent from a member of the Delta Gamma sorority at the Univ. of Maryland to her fellow sorority sisters became viral. In it she admonishes (which is to put it mildly) her fellow sisters on how to behave at Greek week events. After reading it, then reading again, and again, and again, I can say we have not just a scolding e-mail but a true classic monologue of angst, rage, and vitriol. It is a monologue that is David Mamet'esque in it's tone, delivery, and execution. One begging to be brought to the stage by a master thespian. Consider it 'Death of a Salesman' for the millennial generation and would rival Alec Baldwin's turn in 'Glengary Glenross'. Or former Colts head coach Jim Mora's epic post-game rant 'PLAYOFFS! PLAYOFFS?! P..P..P..PLAYOFFS?'

In the same vain that students of literature love to dissect piece by piece of their favorite poems, I wanted to dissect this brilliant college age ode of discontent. Please come with me to truly enjoy this delectable feast of written fury:

 

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

 

Opens with a common device in English literature where they are preparing you for the boom! Like Shakespeare's sonnet's where he goes 'look, babe I got something important to say'. 

 

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu.

 

If Al Pacino were delivering this line, based on CAPS this where his cadence jumps up.

 

I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.

 

I love the transition to that whiny voice! You can literally visualize the sarcasm dripping out of that statement, like sap leaking form a tree. Now we're assuming the punching in the face is not literally, more like a SMH...

 

I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM.

Has anyone ever seen a flying fuck? Is that like joining the mile-high club? Such a great use of imagery.

 

This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES.

A little bit of mixed metaphor calling women cocks

 

Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.

Just as you're getting you're bearings back from being called a cock, WHAMMO! Tells you this critical point, because it's not just a fucking newsflash. It's double fucking newsflash

 

This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events.

Classic David Mamet technique of not just hurling an insult but expanding the insult even further by having you reply to are you mentally slow. Like cutting with a knife then twisting it.

 

If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

Now the rage comes to full burn! Also we are alerted to a new vernacular 'post-gaming'. I take that to be post-gaming as slang for 'What will happen afterward'

"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO.

More delicious imagry,with the term ass-hat. It could be interpreted in so many ways. Also very efficient use of the word fucking as both a pronoun and a verb.

I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?

Can't decide which is my favorite part'. First, I personally enjoy when writers use one word sentences for emphasis. And we have a magnificent example with her use of The.Opposing.Fucking.Team.

Second rapid machine gun fire prose asking if they are fucking stupid and if they are fucking blind. Richard Pryor once said he liked using the adjective fucking for dramatic effect. And we certainly have that here.

Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP.

This passage is a set-up fro the perhaps the most important line below...

 

I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

Here we have the cou'de gra, the line that will live in infamy for generations, the line that makes this e-mail rant the rant by which all other e-mail rants will be judged.

Let's step back for a moment and revisit the money quote here....I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that

Stop. Take a minute, close your eyes and let that line wash over you like the mighty waters of a rhetorical river. Cunt. Punt. Assuming it is more painful than a simple ass-kicking because the typical buttocks has more fatty tissue thus would insulate the blow. This is like a blow where an author describes not just ripping out someone's heart but stomping all over on the floor. Generally cunt is the thermal-nuclear word of the English language, in that once used between two friends it generally results in the mutually assured destruction of that relationship.

 

"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

Well we're not sure if her fellow sister's are crying...or crying from laughter. So the author reiterates her seriousness by using 'weird shits'. Here she follows-up that devastating blow of the c-punt with quick upper-cut of weird. In the sorority world, being called weird is perhaps the worst insult one can be leavied. It insinuates you are not part of the sorority mind-meld thus eeeek...an individual....gasp

 

I'm not fucking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER.

After that c-punt blast were pretty sure no one believes the author is kidding. The interesting note here is after her scorched Earth rhetoric she sort of dials back a little bit opting for the mild adjective 'horrible' when so many other synonyms are available. Grotesque comes to mind, So does despicaple. Why settle for horrible which is meh? We'll see below..

 

I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter.

Comic books have a device where the action is denoted by BAM..ZING..BLAM..POW? Well turns out the tepid 'horrible' used previously was just letting the reader catch their breath, regain some balance before the author unleashes another devastating combination of rhetorical punches that if by now must have the reader floored. As if the c-word wasn't enough she then uses the f- bomb. If c-punt went nuclear, then f-bomb is like spreading napalm for good measure afterward. Calling them a 'cock-block' is like returning the wreckage of the burned out reader's feelings and then urinating on them.

Then some more mocking in a fake offended sorority voice, then the big boom. She essentially accuses the reader of not being able to get guys unless completely smashed and must feel like 2x4 across the eyes.

Because as I paraphrase here 'Do you honestly think get boys by personality alone, bitch, puhhh...lllease'

 

Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

Were assuming the author has seen a lot of boners so she knows what she is talking about. Plus by now the author senses the reader is dazed, swaying, up against the ropes, so she goes in the knockout...

 

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

 

(wipes tears from eyes...clap,clap,clap,clap...ovation) Bravo! Bravo! And they said the era of the 'fuck you' letter was over.  Phew after that I need a breather.

 

The final insult is to note the author would apologize then swat..she doesn't care. Like the victor lending a hand to the vanquished then shoving her back down. Personally my favorite way to end an antagonistic encounter is The English cockney accent of  'piss off! but 'go fuck yourself' also works in North America and in certain parts of Asia. If the recipient and not the sender of a 'fuck off' a casual mention of 'sure, off your mom!' works as well