Wherein I dissect that insane sorority e-mail from Univ. of Maryland

I'm a huge fan of meltdowns either in written or verbal form. To me watching someone absolutely lose their shit is perhaps the greatest of all performance art. Recently an e-mail sent from a member of the Delta Gamma sorority at the Univ. of Maryland to her fellow sorority sisters became viral. In it she admonishes (which is to put it mildly) her fellow sisters on how to behave at Greek week events. After reading it, then reading again, and again, and again, I can say we have not just a scolding e-mail but a true classic monologue of angst, rage, and vitriol. It is a monologue that is David Mamet'esque in it's tone, delivery, and execution. One begging to be brought to the stage by a master thespian. Consider it 'Death of a Salesman' for the millennial generation and would rival Alec Baldwin's turn in 'Glengary Glenross'. Or former Colts head coach Jim Mora's epic post-game rant 'PLAYOFFS! PLAYOFFS?! P..P..P..PLAYOFFS?'

In the same vain that students of literature love to dissect piece by piece of their favorite poems, I wanted to dissect this brilliant college age ode of discontent. Please come with me to truly enjoy this delectable feast of written fury:

 

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

 

Opens with a common device in English literature where they are preparing you for the boom! Like Shakespeare's sonnet's where he goes 'look, babe I got something important to say'. 

 

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu.

 

If Al Pacino were delivering this line, based on CAPS this where his cadence jumps up.

 

I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.

 

I love the transition to that whiny voice! You can literally visualize the sarcasm dripping out of that statement, like sap leaking form a tree. Now we're assuming the punching in the face is not literally, more like a SMH...

 

I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM.

Has anyone ever seen a flying fuck? Is that like joining the mile-high club? Such a great use of imagery.

 

This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES.

A little bit of mixed metaphor calling women cocks

 

Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.

Just as you're getting you're bearings back from being called a cock, WHAMMO! Tells you this critical point, because it's not just a fucking newsflash. It's double fucking newsflash

 

This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events.

Classic David Mamet technique of not just hurling an insult but expanding the insult even further by having you reply to are you mentally slow. Like cutting with a knife then twisting it.

 

If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

Now the rage comes to full burn! Also we are alerted to a new vernacular 'post-gaming'. I take that to be post-gaming as slang for 'What will happen afterward'

"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO.

More delicious imagry,with the term ass-hat. It could be interpreted in so many ways. Also very efficient use of the word fucking as both a pronoun and a verb.

I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?

Can't decide which is my favorite part'. First, I personally enjoy when writers use one word sentences for emphasis. And we have a magnificent example with her use of The.Opposing.Fucking.Team.

Second rapid machine gun fire prose asking if they are fucking stupid and if they are fucking blind. Richard Pryor once said he liked using the adjective fucking for dramatic effect. And we certainly have that here.

Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP.

This passage is a set-up fro the perhaps the most important line below...

 

I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

Here we have the cou'de gra, the line that will live in infamy for generations, the line that makes this e-mail rant the rant by which all other e-mail rants will be judged.

Let's step back for a moment and revisit the money quote here....I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that

Stop. Take a minute, close your eyes and let that line wash over you like the mighty waters of a rhetorical river. Cunt. Punt. Assuming it is more painful than a simple ass-kicking because the typical buttocks has more fatty tissue thus would insulate the blow. This is like a blow where an author describes not just ripping out someone's heart but stomping all over on the floor. Generally cunt is the thermal-nuclear word of the English language, in that once used between two friends it generally results in the mutually assured destruction of that relationship.

 

"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

Well we're not sure if her fellow sister's are crying...or crying from laughter. So the author reiterates her seriousness by using 'weird shits'. Here she follows-up that devastating blow of the c-punt with quick upper-cut of weird. In the sorority world, being called weird is perhaps the worst insult one can be leavied. It insinuates you are not part of the sorority mind-meld thus eeeek...an individual....gasp

 

I'm not fucking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER.

After that c-punt blast were pretty sure no one believes the author is kidding. The interesting note here is after her scorched Earth rhetoric she sort of dials back a little bit opting for the mild adjective 'horrible' when so many other synonyms are available. Grotesque comes to mind, So does despicaple. Why settle for horrible which is meh? We'll see below..

 

I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter.

Comic books have a device where the action is denoted by BAM..ZING..BLAM..POW? Well turns out the tepid 'horrible' used previously was just letting the reader catch their breath, regain some balance before the author unleashes another devastating combination of rhetorical punches that if by now must have the reader floored. As if the c-word wasn't enough she then uses the f- bomb. If c-punt went nuclear, then f-bomb is like spreading napalm for good measure afterward. Calling them a 'cock-block' is like returning the wreckage of the burned out reader's feelings and then urinating on them.

Then some more mocking in a fake offended sorority voice, then the big boom. She essentially accuses the reader of not being able to get guys unless completely smashed and must feel like 2x4 across the eyes.

Because as I paraphrase here 'Do you honestly think get boys by personality alone, bitch, puhhh...lllease'

 

Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

Were assuming the author has seen a lot of boners so she knows what she is talking about. Plus by now the author senses the reader is dazed, swaying, up against the ropes, so she goes in the knockout...

 

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

 

(wipes tears from eyes...clap,clap,clap,clap...ovation) Bravo! Bravo! And they said the era of the 'fuck you' letter was over.  Phew after that I need a breather.

 

The final insult is to note the author would apologize then swat..she doesn't care. Like the victor lending a hand to the vanquished then shoving her back down. Personally my favorite way to end an antagonistic encounter is The English cockney accent of  'piss off! but 'go fuck yourself' also works in North America and in certain parts of Asia. If the recipient and not the sender of a 'fuck off' a casual mention of 'sure, off your mom!' works as well