The 2008 ROSSY AWARDS!

The origin of these awards date back to my college days when our fraternity handed these out in honor of the best of our dumb, drunken, or debauchery moments. Since we're out of school and (mostly) out of trouble I've decided to give out these awards on a global scale.

The Home Depot Do It Yourself Award – Eschewing the traditional method for snow and ice removal of using salt and a shovel, a man in New Bedford, MA accidently burned down his house after trying to melt the snow on his deck with a propane welder's torch. Local authorities decided against pressing charges citing local statute does not have laws against being a jackass.

The Cheech and Chong Award – In what should the greatest Cop arrest video ever, a Valparaiso University basketball player named Logan Jones was pulled over by Indiana State Police for suspicion of drunk driving. Upon opening the window in a cloud of marijuana smoke and with a 12 ounce bag of weed on his lap, Jones was quoted as saying 'Hey Man, Be Cool'. Once the officer was able to come down from his contact high he cited Jones for Marijuana possession.

The Guantanimo Bay Award - A manager of a Utah Real Estate firm found an interesting way to provide motivation to his Sales Team, by having one of his salespeople waterboarded in front of the company. Derived from the Middle Ages, wateboarding is a form of torture that simulates the effect of drowning, proving torture apparently isn't just for the CIA or rogue governments anymore.

The Larry King Cringe Inducing TV Moment Award - During an interview on The Today Show, Matt Lauer asked Robert F. Kennedy Jr. how his dad was doing. The question would normally be benign except RFK Jr. is the son of that Robert F. Kennedy who was assassinated in 1968. Junior responded by saying 'Don't you mean my uncle Ted Kennedy?' which was polite way of saying 'Are you a complete idiot?'

The Best Use of Profanity on Live TV Award - While on The Today Show (first time dual winner of a Rossy), Actress Jane Fonda mentioned the four letter C-word to describe her feminine area more commonly referred to as the thermo-nuclear device of the English Language. In an apology, NBC noted that it was not nice way to describe Matt Lauer.

The Best Use of Profanity in a coutroom - As a result of the court case Fox Sports vs. the Federal Communication Commission, where the network appealed a fine over the use of an F-word blurted during live telecast. It marked the first time the US Supreme Court allowed the F-word during proceedings.

A snippet of the court transcript: "If it please the court we ask the fine be reversed because it's not fair to fine a Sports Network all because some f****n idiot said f*** during a football game. I mean that's f****d up!"

The Karma is a Bitch Award - In 2006 Circuit City laid off it's most experienced, highest paid electronic salespeople in favor of newer, minimum wage salespoeple and notified them in the most dignified way: via an mass e-mail. As a result Circuit City sales drop 40% and is forced into bankruptcy, while many of those laid-off employees are hired by competitor Best Buy for more money and their profits increase by 40%. Coincidence? I think not.

The Ron Jeremy Award - A Danish soccer team, FC Copenhagen we're promised a lifetime of free porn if they posted a winning season. In possibly related news, participation in soccer leagues around Denmark reported a 300% increase in participation of young men aged 13-35.

The Eliot Spitzer Award for Best Prostitution Bust - A college professor from the Midwest visiting New York City had his trip to a S&M Club cut short when his 'Mistress of Pain' called 9-1-1 for an ambulance due to him passing out while hog-tied wearing only a diaper.

The Best Riot not involving European Soccer Fans - Police in suburban Milwaukee, WI responded in full riot gear to a Chuck E' Cheese where over 40 parents got involved in drunken brawl. As a result, the children's pizza/arcade restuarant lost its liquor license after police we're called to break up drunken fights a total of 15 times over the course of 2008. In response Chuck E' Chese decided to change their slogan "Where a kid can be a kid, and a parent can be a drunken beligirent asshole".

The Best Fight (Non-Drinking Category) - Two nuns and a priest we're arrested for beating up a restuarant owner in Rutino, Italy over a dispute of renting an old church rectory for his business using a little known Catholic sacrament called 'Opening a can of Whoop-Ass'. As a consequence donations were reportedly up at the town parish Our Lady of the Perpetual Beat-Down.

The Best Fight (Drinking Category) - Austrailian Parliament Member Andrew Fraser was censored for getting into fistacuffs with three other members over an innocuous Highway bill. Colleagues speculated that the incident was most likely influnced by Fraser having a liquid lunch of about 12 beers.

The Ethics in New Jersey Gov't Award - This year we hand out to neighboring New York City and it's Staten Island Congressman Vito Fossella who managed in a 24 hour period to pull off the political scandal trifecta:

1. After being kicked out of Congressional party in honor of the Super Bowl champion NY Giants for unruly behavior, Fossella gets arrested for DUI.
2. Later that night, Fossella is bailed out by a woman with whom he has intimate relations with but is not his wife.
3. Upon following the story, Washington Post finds out that said mistress also had Fossella's out-of-wedlock child last year.

The Lifetime Achievement Award - In an interview with Fox and Friends, octagenarian actor Earnest Borgnine when asked what his secret to longevity was, replied 'I masturbate alot'. In addition to the priceless look on the everybody's face, it proved that wisdom does indeed come with age.