Julia hits the Terrible 2's – For the most part she's a sweet girl but she's hit the age where they learn the word 'No' and learn the concept of defiance. Last Sunday, Julia discovered the fun of spitting her juice on the floor and when I told her Honey, don't do that' she looks at me mockingly says 'OK' then proceeds to do it again.
Let me tell you the biggest shock as a parent when your kid mouths off for the first time. Now I know why my Dad needed medicine for his High Blood Pressure, because it's like all your sins as a kid suddenly come back to haunt you like when little Keira gets to that age.
Guns N' Roses due to release new album this year (allegedly) – For those of you who placed money on this bet: "There will be actual Democracy in China before GN'R release their new album Chinese Democracy" I'm afraid you lose. But on the flipside bets are now being placed on "How many riots will occur during the GN'R North American Tour after Axl Rose cancels a gig" with Over/Under line starting at 4.
Ringo Starr says he's finished with the public spotlight – Complaining of being bothered by incessant fan requests former Beatles drummer Ringo Starr he is officially through with the limelight. Public opinion is fiercely divided between "Ringo Starr is still alive?" and "Wasn't he drummer for The Beach Boys?"
The One Upside to the Financial Crisis – We've noticed we have not gotten any credit card offers in the mail since the Stock Market took a big ol' dump on the economy. Guess that's karma to all the banks and credit card companies that knowingly gave credit cards to people who could not pay it back so to trap them with Interest fees.I'm guessing on Dante's nine circles of hell, Credit Card executives will reside on the seventh level where they are doomed to an eternity of whenever they try to take a nap they're woken up by a telemarketer hawking balance transfers.
Channeling your 'Inner Gordon Ramsay' to settle Billing disputes – Recently, we had dispute over a hospital bill dating back to Julia's birth over the Pathology charge for the placenta. Apparently our insurance company believes you need referral to a Pathologist from your PCP, so evidently as my child was being born we were supposed to say 'Hey Doc, you mind bagging up all that bloody goo, I need to find Pathologist in the Yellow Pages".
Being of Scottish descent, I decided to unleash my inner Gordon Ramsay when the collection agency called. "Right, well about that payment, you can take it and (bleep) up your (bleep) and if there's any left you can (bleepity-bleep, bleep) up your Mom's (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep). And while were topic of (bleep) tell your (bleep) Pathology client to go find a (bleep) and (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, bleepity-bleep, bleep, bleep) where the Sun don't shine. Now I'm busy so PISS OFF!"
Worst Job in Publishing: Proofreader for Eninem's Autobiography – I figure the way to tell if the book was ghostwritten is by judging the text
On Sudden Fame – "So check it yo, like I pull up to the club and bitches' be all over me"
On Filming Videos – "So check it yo, it's like 4 in the morning and director is like we need another take so I go 'S**t man another one? I thought I'd be bangin' some ho right about now"
On Infamous confrontation with 'Triumph the Insult Comic Dog' at the 2003 VMA Awards - "So check it yo, like this puppet keeps harassing me at the show and ain't down with dogs talkin' s**t so I say 'Dog you better get away from me or I'll blow yo' ass up'
Let me tell you the biggest shock as a parent when your kid mouths off for the first time. Now I know why my Dad needed medicine for his High Blood Pressure, because it's like all your sins as a kid suddenly come back to haunt you like when little Keira gets to that age.
Guns N' Roses due to release new album this year (allegedly) – For those of you who placed money on this bet: "There will be actual Democracy in China before GN'R release their new album Chinese Democracy" I'm afraid you lose. But on the flipside bets are now being placed on "How many riots will occur during the GN'R North American Tour after Axl Rose cancels a gig" with Over/Under line starting at 4.
Ringo Starr says he's finished with the public spotlight – Complaining of being bothered by incessant fan requests former Beatles drummer Ringo Starr he is officially through with the limelight. Public opinion is fiercely divided between "Ringo Starr is still alive?" and "Wasn't he drummer for The Beach Boys?"
The One Upside to the Financial Crisis – We've noticed we have not gotten any credit card offers in the mail since the Stock Market took a big ol' dump on the economy. Guess that's karma to all the banks and credit card companies that knowingly gave credit cards to people who could not pay it back so to trap them with Interest fees.I'm guessing on Dante's nine circles of hell, Credit Card executives will reside on the seventh level where they are doomed to an eternity of whenever they try to take a nap they're woken up by a telemarketer hawking balance transfers.
Channeling your 'Inner Gordon Ramsay' to settle Billing disputes – Recently, we had dispute over a hospital bill dating back to Julia's birth over the Pathology charge for the placenta. Apparently our insurance company believes you need referral to a Pathologist from your PCP, so evidently as my child was being born we were supposed to say 'Hey Doc, you mind bagging up all that bloody goo, I need to find Pathologist in the Yellow Pages".
Being of Scottish descent, I decided to unleash my inner Gordon Ramsay when the collection agency called. "Right, well about that payment, you can take it and (bleep) up your (bleep) and if there's any left you can (bleepity-bleep, bleep) up your Mom's (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep). And while were topic of (bleep) tell your (bleep) Pathology client to go find a (bleep) and (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, bleepity-bleep, bleep, bleep) where the Sun don't shine. Now I'm busy so PISS OFF!"
Worst Job in Publishing: Proofreader for Eninem's Autobiography – I figure the way to tell if the book was ghostwritten is by judging the text
On Sudden Fame – "So check it yo, like I pull up to the club and bitches' be all over me"
On Filming Videos – "So check it yo, it's like 4 in the morning and director is like we need another take so I go 'S**t man another one? I thought I'd be bangin' some ho right about now"
On Infamous confrontation with 'Triumph the Insult Comic Dog' at the 2003 VMA Awards - "So check it yo, like this puppet keeps harassing me at the show and ain't down with dogs talkin' s**t so I say 'Dog you better get away from me or I'll blow yo' ass up'
New Rule: News site must shut down the comment threads posted below any newsstory – I'm noticing an increasingly annoying trend where news sites will have a comment thread for every story and regardless of how innocuous which seems to be populated by internet blowhards who apparently have an opinion on everything.
Case in point: Checking local weather on Channel 6 Philly news site, I noticed 46 comments resulting from two idiots in an online argument whether it was yechnically Partly Cloudy or Partly Sunny. So with a raging Lewis Black type rant I responded with this comment:
"For the love of Christ! You're debating the God-D**N WEATHER! Who are you people? Where did you come from? Why have you infected my life? Do the authorities know about this? Somewhere an insane asylum is missing 2 of its patients! UHHHH……where is my bottle of Advil!"
Oprah Viewing Made Easy – I've decided as a public service to summarize an entire season's worth of Oprah and her endless narcissistic, celebrity ass kissing, pop-psychology garbage in a quick few bullet points to spare you from actually having to watch:
1. There is no such thing as Having It All unless you actually are Oprah so the key to life is making compromises and the key to happiness is making the right compromise at the right time.
2. If you're self-worth is tied into material possessions rather than personal relationships you may very well be a shallow person.
3. If you think plastic surgery or makeovers are the key to improving self-esteem then you may want to consider a much cheaper alternative like developing a personality.
4. Once past the age of 40 if you're chronically unhappy about your life, an assumption can be made that it's not someone else's fault so much as your own.
5. Chances are pretty good that the items on Oprah's 'Favorite Things' list are probably not her actual favorite things until an advertising agency pays for the product to be a 'Favorite Thing'.
Election Night News Coverage Viewing Made Easy – I've also decided as a public service to summarize the 2008 Presidential Election in a few quick bullet points to spare you a night's worth of stuffed-shirt, DC pundit, know-nothings babbling incessantly:
1. The only way for McCain to mathematically win the election is for the following scenario to happen: Somehow win (or steal) Pennsylvania which John Kerry won in 2004 and hold onto ALL of these formerly Bush states trending to Obama which are Ohio, Florida, Virginia, Indiana, Missouri, Colorado, and New Mexico.
2. The probability that McCain can pull it off as according to the polling supersite
3. For the statistically impaired, this would be same chance of a stripper's stage name actually being her real name.
4. So if the above scenario does not happen, all of the (Rednecks/Racists/Religious Right fanatics/Quasi-fascists/or insert your favorite Red State stereotype here) who've made McCain/Palin rallies look like the second coming of the KKK will have to refer to Obama as President (Muslim/Terrorist/Commie/Pinko/Starbucks Coffee drinking elitist/or insert your favorite Blue State stereotype here).
But whichever way you lean politically please do vote!
My Fearless Election Prediction – Because I'm sure your all waiting with fainted breath to find out who wins (or not):
Electoral Vote – Obama 318, McCain 220
Popular Vote – Obama 52%, McCain 46%, Other 2% (with most for the White Male Paranoia Libertarian Party)
US Senate – Democrats 56 seats, Republicans 44 seats
US House – Democrats 266 seats, Republicans 169 seats
New Jersey – Obama 59%, McCain 40%, Other 3% (with most for the write-in campaign for 'I got your vote right here…OHH!' )
Pennsylvania – Obama 50%, McCain 46%, Larry 'The Cable Guy' 4%
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