In honor of Bill Maher, one of my heroes. It's moy own version of 'New Rules' for 2009
New Rule 1: Restrictions on the phrase 'Cause That's How I Roll' - White, middle-class surbanites who invoke this phrase must use with an obvious sense of irony denoting a subtle self-deprevation about one's sense of style. Otherwise will be denoted as a massive fail at attempting to sound hip.
Exempted from the rule:
Pro Athletes
Rappers with a minimum of 3 hit singles
Bill Gates
Anyone who can actually afford a bottle of Cristal Champagne
Also applies to "There ain't no shame to my game"
New Rule 2: Jenny McCarthy needs to shut her pie hole - My heart will always go out to families struggling with children who have autism. But for Jenny McCarthy to imply parents skip childhood vaccinations because results from junk science show they cause autism. Thereby raising the risk for remergence of deadly diseases is wreckless and irresponsible. McCarthy is famous for showing her crotch in Playboy, not having a doctorate in Neuro science.
New Rule 3: Teachers must stop being the scapegoat for failing schools - We don't so much have a teaching problem as we do a parenting problem. Like the old phrase "You can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink". You can have best schools in the world but if the kids aren't motivated because of vapid parents at home it won't matter. Also educators are free to say "Well, the world will always need ditch diggers" when explaining perfomace of lazy kids to their lazy parents.
New Rule 4: Celebrities must be nominally interesting to have a Twitter account - Seeing as how twitter now has a higher purpose in helping contribute to a revolution in Iran, it's time clear up bandwidth. Therefore, no more Ashton Kuchter telling us about his latest bowel movement or whatever garbage comes out of Paris Hilton's mouth. Instead all meaningless and ego-centric posts will be rerouted to the site whogivesashit.com
New Rule 5: Ignorant American teenagers cannot make fun of Asian-Indians - Here in New Jersey there's a joke that the welcome package for Asian-Indian immigrants includes running a gas station or Dunkin Donuts. But most people admire them for their hard work ethic and truly following an American dream. Though some dumb teens think's it's amusing to taunt them, but what they don't realize is in about 5 years they will be calling these immigrants something else....BOSS.
New Rule 6: Jon Gosselin is offically a douchebag - Not that I don't sympathize with all the henpecking and badgering he had to endure from Kate on their show 'Jon&Kate plus 8'. But a real man does not go out have an affair with a 22 year old skank and more or less abandon 8 kids because the mom happens to be a modern day Succubus.
At least have the cojones to confront Kate about her behavior and suggest counseling....or an exorcism. But don't act like a classless jerk-off when you finally decide you've had enough, because when you're a father, it's not just about you anymore.
New Rule 7: There is now a 100% tax imposed on stupid rich people - Recently deceased Leona Helmsley, hotel empire hieress and all around friend to the 'little people' graciously willed $6 million....to her cat. I'm not about class warfare, but sometimes luxury reaches an obscene heights, like an unnamed Wall Street CEO who spent $250,000 for an diamond encrusted iPhone. Rich people who cannot spend money wisely are not entitled to any of it.
New Rule 8: Celebrities who are less than a B-grade are no longer entitlted to their own reality shows - To all the Tori Spellings and MC Hammers out there who think having TV cameras follow them will revive careers it won't. It just helps us normal people feel better about oursleves because at least we're not Tori Spelling or MC Hammer. So we will use this process to weed out all proposals for a reality show: a game a Russian Roulette where six pseudo celebrities come in but only the last one alive gets the show.
New Rule 9: George Bush must have his 'Frost/Nixon' moment - If the 43rd President of the US wants to re-enter polite society and have any trace of respectibility he must sit down for a real interview and face all the hard questions he ducked for 8 years. Plus like Richard Nixon 30 years before him, be forced to give honest answers to those hard questions.
Here's some examples:
So in your view, was Saddam Huessein's biggest crime that he controlled the world's largest oil reserve but had the gaul to not give it to your cronies in the Oil and Gas companies?
Is there any policy decision you made that was not on behalf of corporate or special interest groups?
When you took a week to bother doing anything about New Orleans after Katrina, was it because most of it's residents we're poor and black, and therefore not politically important to you?
New Rule 10: White House Press Corps are now officially worthless - Within the DC chattering, punditry class there has been a lot of discontent because Pres. Obama had the nerve to answer a question from blogger instead of a 'real' journalist. But consider this, of all the Presidential scandals of the last 50 years, not one was originally broken by a 'real' White House journalist. No wonder Nixon referred to these people as 'useful idiots'.
During this time these 'real' journalists we're more interested in making the rounds of the DC cocktail and hovre d'ors circuit than actually doing any real investigative reporting. That's why I propose these 'real' journalists be demoted to title of 'stenographer' or 'glorified note-taker'. While giving the title of 'real journalist' to all those bloggers and reporters who actually are interested in watching over those in Washington who hold the reign of power.
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