Pork: the other white meat - As the swine flu meagerly makes its away across the globe (thus far). I'm so glad our media have shown reserve and integrity by not sensationalizing the epidemic and causing a panic...uhh...never mind.
The Return of ‘Rock of Lame..urr.. Love’ – Like a bad case of Syphilis that won’t go away, Brett Michaels former lead singer of faux-metal act Poison is back for third run around of finding love among 12 middle-aged strippers. I guess Brett has uhh..’High’ standards for potential love interests since he can’t seem to find the right one from the collective human cesspool who form the dating pool for the show.
'Obsession' Movie Review - I really enjoyed this movie..... back when it was called 'Fatal Attraction' about 20 years ago.
'17 Again' Movie Review - I really enjoyed this movie.....back when it was called 'Dream a Little Dream' about 20 years ago.
And on a side note, you can have my age 17 because it sucked, and I enjoy the part of adulthood where you can look back at high school and laugh at all supposedly 'cool' people now working as gas station attendants. I also enjoy the part of adulthood where you have money and freedom.
Am I Bad Person…. – If upon hearing that Elisabeth Hasselbeck was injured in a bicycle accident and my initial split-second response was “I hope she was injured!”?
New Jersey looks to ban bikini waxes - Well my summer plans at the Shore are shot.....uhh....I mean someone in the State capital has too much time on their hands.
Miss USA controversy - I think the real debate surrounding this year's event is not whether Miss California is a bigoted-idiot (she is) or Perez Hilton asked her a loaded question about gay marriage (he did). But rather why are we still holding this mindless ritual where creepy old men and their Stepford cultist wives watch a parade of silicone enhanced walking mannequins?
Texas Governor threatens succession - During one of the adult temper tantrums held accross the country alternately referred to as 'Tea Parties', Texas Gov. Rick Perry mentioned a possibility of the state succeeding. Interesting comment seeing as how the US Civil War supposedly to put an end to that idea.
The response from the other 49 states: please feel free to leave at any time. You always we're petulant little state and now you can be you're own little petulant country. By the way all the oil in the Gulf of Mexico and the city of Austin still belongs to us.
Pakistan teetering on collapse – The Taliban (it’s Persian for ‘The Good Time Gang’) who currently control the border area of Pakistan and Afghanistan have decided the rest of the country should share in the non-stop party that is strict Islamic law. Oh good, a civil war in a country with nuclear weapons. Sweet.
If you thought Domino’s Pizza was inedible before – Proving stupidity can transcend the digital age, two Domino’s managers in North Carolina filmed themselves sticking snot, spit, and other fun human waste bi-products in pizzas about to be delivered then posted it on YouTube.
I’m still in amazement that people don’t consider the pros and cons of whether filming a crime is really a good idea? Then again that's assuming people who post crimes on YouTube would actually have cognitive ability.
American Lexicon Update - the term 'F*** You Money' is now 'Wall Street Bonus Money' - Origin: From the classic line delivered by James Garner in the vastly underrated comedy Barbarians at the Gate "We're not just talking big money here, we're talking F*** You money, we're talking never having to say you're sorry money".
Meaning: To describe a fortune so obscenely large that exceeds any practical need for it which usually belongs to some rich, greedy jerk-off.
New Usage: To describe any Wall Street exec who has the temerity to take million-dollar raise even though they brought down the Financial sector.
Twittering is for twats - Not like this country needed another tool to fuel its already bulging narcissism but this whole twittering thing is about reach levels of annoying not seen since the Macarena craze. Now it seems every annoying celebrity or personality has a twitter account because why? Is Nicole Richie's life just that interesting?
Assuming I had an infantile need for attention, here's what my tweets would look like:
7:10am - Accident at the I-295-42 split, looks like someone zigged when they should have zagged
7:58am - Just clocked a lady behind me on the PATCO train talk on her cell phone for 28 minutes straight, a new record
8:15am - some homeless man called me a 'bald a-hole. That's why I love Philly, you don't have to wait for the insults
11:00am - Project mgmt meeting..time for my nap
11:59am - Will she please just SHUT UP already
12:35pm - Lunch time and its "What the hell is that Wednesday?" at the cafetaria but sounds better then "Fresh Roadkill Mondays"
2:20pm - Found a weapon of mass destruction....on 23rd floor bathroom in the last stall
3:45pm - Just listened to a boring story from 'cat lady' down the hall for fifteen minutes. Another minute I would of replied 'I'm sorry you have me confused for someone who gives a crap'
4:15pm - Time to go home now, but check traffic first to see how many idiots will be impeding my progress today with their car accidents caused by their idiacy
4:48pm - The train has 12 cars, but I choose the one with the two teenage girls saying 'Like' followed by 'Oh my God' an average of about three a sentence.
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