How 'The Brady Bunch' explains the 2009 World Series

If anyone wants to see what the World’s largest inferiority complex looks like when unleashed, tune into the World Series when Philly hosts the Yankees. If you thought Philly fans booing Santa Claus was bad, just wait until A-Rod gets introduced to the Phils faithful. That’s because the relationship between New York and Philadelphia is a volatile, complex, highly psychological one that can best be described through everyone’s favorite 70’s sitcom ‘The Brady Bunch’.

Think of New York as Marcia Brady, the popular oldest sister who everyone loves, succeeds at everything she does, and is quite possibly the most important person in her high school, if not the World. Think of Philadelphia as Jan Brady, the oft-forgotten middle sister, who is barely noticed and whatever she does will always get upstaged by Marcia. You have to feel bad for Philly, the way we always felt bad for Jan. Despite having World-Class history, culture, museums, universities, and restaurants, Philly always..always..plays second fiddle to New York’s glamour, excitement, and bustle. If you want proof, just ask 10 people you know if they could take an all-expenses trip to either New York or Philly, which one would they choose? You’ll get the idea.

So here we are getting ready to start the World Series, as the Phillies are the defending champs with a team that may even be better than last year. But alas, what does the Nat’l Sports Media obsess and drool over….the Yankees. They’re more interested in the jock strap Derek Jeter will wear, than who the Phillies will have in their starting rotation. The Phillies playoff games we’re moved to afternoons, so the Yankees could occupy Prime time. To listen to Philly sports fans complain about this smacks of: “why is it always about Marcia….Marcia, Marcia,Marcia!”

Thus the 2009 World Series is not merely a baseball contest between two cities that are a mere 70 miles apart, but rather a chance for the urban equivalent of Jan Brady to finally stick it to Marcia and erase nearly 200 years of second city syndrome. Because like any complex sibling relationship, the younger sibling became defined by the older, often through sports competition. So as New York teams won championship after championship, Philly fans we’re usually left to stew in sports mediocrity, perfectly defined by the Andy Reid era Eagles. A team good enough to make the Super Bowl, but not quite good enough to win...like the say the New York Giants two years ago.

The sad irony, is even if the Phillies do win, most people in New York won’t care because…well they’re New York..because they’re important with being home to the World’s financial markets and epicenter of all things important to planet Earth. If you don’t believe me just ask a native New Yorker, they’ll gladly tell you.

Prediction: Phillies in 7, and ESPN will still focus on which Hollywood starlet Johnny Damon is boinking at the moment.

Another Early Comedy Writing Sample

This could be considered another gem I pulled out of my early 'portfolio' or it could be considered more 'early blog fail'. A unique film review of 'Passion of the Christ':

"Overall, truly the feelgood film of the year. Not as many dance numbers as I would have liked, but the chereography was spectacular! And of coursedon't miss the hilarious outtakes at the end!"

This review brought to you by a 32oz of Coke, andcouple of 4oz bottles of Jack Daniel's and healthyfear of the guy sitting next to me wearing the "Gunsdon't kill people, I Kill People" trucker hat.

An Early, Feeble Attempt at Comedy Writing

This may be the very first attempt at comedy writing for an audience, when I wrote this roast of a friend's wedding about 7 years ago so I apologize if it's sucks. I sort of skewered (good naturedly) his wedding. Some references may be dated, but interesting watching the progression:

THE CEREMONY (where a televangelist gave a rather 'interesting' sermon):

“The wedding was beautiful and everybody looked great, but I think the preacher may have been a bit much. I mean lighten up there fella…it’s just wedding”
Sincerely Pat Robertson and Religious Right

“We totally agree with the preacher about everything he said, especially the part where he said ‘til death do us part’”
Regards, OJ Simpson and Scott Peterson

“That was definitely one of the best weddings I’ve been to. Believe me I know, I’ve done several myself”
Best of Luck, Jennifer Lopez

THE RECEPTION (where we did not exactly endear ourselves to the bride, after our little joke involving nature photos with the disposable cameras):

“The course was looked good, the food was good. My drinking hand was a little rusty on the first few beers, but once I got into the flow, the back nine went down easy. And with the shots I found my short game went easier”
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

“Wow! Golf Course?, Wedding?, Beer? Sometimes for me that can be a bad situation”
Sincerely, Golf Carts

“I figure it might have been tough get by on one keg, but usually that’s all we need to get us through the workday”
Sincerely, Philadelphia Int’l Airport Baggage Handlers

“We love what you did with the disposable cameras in the bathroom. Can we see those sometime?”
Regards, Internet Porn

“You guys had ass play in the bathroom? Sounds like my kind of wedding!"
Sincerely, George Micheal

“What you call cornholing, is what I call Saturday Night”
Sincerely, Bubba (inmate # 582247 at Newark New Jersey Correctional Facility)

“Taking pictures of your willy with those disposable cameras was childish and immature”Sincerely,Tom Green

THE HOTEL (where we may have had the World's slowest bartender in some retro 70's style lounge that never got updated):

“Hanging out at the hotel was cool and all, but what was with that manager telling people to take off their hats. We go to bars all the time with hats. She made>us feel like we were common trailer trash” Sincerely, The average West Virginia resident

“What was up with the bartender being so slow? We're patient people but come on….fifteen minutes for a drink?’
Yours Truly, Glaciers

“We find slow bartenders to be REALLY annoying!”
Sincerely, Telemarketers

“Got a slow bartender? Usually putting on a ski mask and a shotgun gets em moving pretty fast from our experience”
Sincerely, Armed Robbers

Unfortunate Acronyms

From people who have a little too much time on their hands: http://www.unfortunateacronyms.com/

Some of my faves which allow me to indulge my inner adolescent:
Tokyo Institute of Technology (TITS)
Wisconsin Tourism Federation (WTF)
Breakthrough Urban Ministries (BUM)
Federal Coordinating Council for Comparative Effectiveness Research (FCCCER)
Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF)
South Lake Union Trolley (SLUT)
Iowa Dept. on Aging (DOA)
Biologically Appropriate Raw Food (BARF)
Phoenix Island Settlement Scheme (PISS)

Ann Curry interview with Hillary Clinton = FAIL

On the Today Show, Ann Curry showed why she won't ever be confused with Christiane Amanpour (or any other credible journalist for the matter) after bombing the interview with Sec. of State Hillary Clinton. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33276688/from/RSS/

Think about all the things going on the World and the best Ann comes up with is "Do you feel you are marginalized?"

This as Sec.Clinton speaks before the Nothern Ireland Parliament about Protestants and Catholics trusting each other enough to have an independent justice system after decades of sectarian violence.

Being the lead point person on North Korea, Restarting Mideast Peace talks, Iran, Global Trade, Climate Change, Improving relations with Latin America, Dealing with Cuba, Poverty in Africa does not exactly constitute being 'marginalized'. A talking barbie doll could have done a better interview.

Dave Letterman, The Kardashians, and a WTF moment for the ages

Obligatory Cute Kid Photo -

David Letterman blackmail-adultery scandal - While everyone debates Letterman's future after going public with an affair to avoid a blackmail scheme, my blogging hero Gregg Easterbrook asks a more serious question: 'What on Earth happened to the art of extortion'? It used to be when guys named 'Lefty' blackmailed you it was pay up or else have your kneecaps broken. Nowadays guys named 'Lefty' want a publishing and development deal or else....or else what?

Pittsburgh hosts the G20 summit - The question on everyone's minds was why Pittsburgh? My theory was that the Obama Admin. wanted to show the rest of the World the severity of the global recession. So he wanted to find a place so bleak, depressing, and devoid of all hope as to demonstrate the urgency for finding a solution. So hence you have Pittsburgh, or as actress Sienna Miller calls it 'Sh**sburgh'.

One way to court the female vote - We all have some embarrassing past photos we wish to burn but for Scott Brown, the Republican candidate for US Senate from Massachusetts, it may prove a little more difficult. Recently surfaced was the 1982 issue of Cosmopolitan where he posed nude in the centerfold wearing a smile and nothing else. Political pundits from both sides definitely agree Brown was sporting his own 'stimulus package' during that now infamous photoshoot.

Please E! Network not another Kardashian show - I will accept one Kardashian show under protest (the one with the fat ass and a sex tape), however I must vehemently object to any spin-off series involving any other member of that family (the one with the dead behind the eyes look).

NFL prevents Delaware from legalizing football betting - Can someone tell me why betting on sports is illegal, but investing in Wall Street which essentially is betting on companies is legit?

Not exactly the 'A-Team' - Evidence for a drug and weapons trafficking case in Florida may get dismissed after a surveillance video appeared of a Tampa SWAT team playing 'Guitar Hero' on a suspect's Wii playstation and watching the suspect's porn collection after raiding a house with enough guns to supply a small Latin American army.

People who are nuts: entertaining when at parties, disconcerting when World leaders - Libyan President Muammar Gaddafi whose wardrobe choice makes it looks like he raided Elton John's closet gave a 90 minute, rambling, mostly incoherent speech at the General Assembly of the United Nations. Normally that type of behavior in New York City would earn an all expenses paid trip to the Psychiatric ward of Bellevue Hospital.

Jon Gosselin wants a '9 to 5' job - Hey Jon, please feel free to get one so the rest of us spared every painful, tiny, microscopic detail of your divorce to the lead singer of Flock of Seagulls..urr...Kate Gosselin. Because we just love watching two grown-ups settle their problems using the tabloid media like mature adults.

Not sure if the Duggars have heard of overpopulation as a global problem - Michelle Duggar of 18 Kids and Counting is due to give birth with her 19th child, or 20th, or whatever. From Huffington Post: "Will someone tell her that a vagina should not double as a clown car".

Television as an artform may never be the same - Sadly, the reality series Megan Wants a Millionaire about a shallow gold-digger's quest to marry a millionaire out of 12 presumably douchy contestants came to an abrupt ending. In turns out one of the finalists had a slight legal problem....in the form of being arrested for killing his wife. Not sure why that would be a problem.

Why the Cincinnati Bengals usually don't win - Bengals' third string quarterback and professional bench warmer Jordan Palmer along with some other teammates started a iPhone app called 'runpee' at www.runpee.com that provides the exact time to run to bathroom during movies and still not miss anything relevant. I'm sure Bengal fans are so appreciative for all the dedication to this effort as opposed to say learning a playbook or practicing on not sucking. Coincidentally for Bengals games the best time to pee is when Jordan Palmer is in the game because nothing good will happen.

Perhaps the Chinese version is better - The movie Boogie Nights about a 70's porn star which gave Mark Wahlberg acting cred along with making his appendage a 'star' is set to be released on DVD in China. The actual translation for the movie in Chinese: "His Great Device Makes Him Famous".

Great Moments in Unintended Hilarity - The Wisconsin Tourism Federation was forced to change its logo after adopting 'WTF' as it's acronym on all press releases and brochures. For the texting/IM/e-mail impaired 'WTF' is abbreviation for 'What the F***'? which is probably what officials at WTF headquarters we're asking themselves when deluged with prank calls from teenagers asking them that exact same question.