Wherein I dissect that insane sorority e-mail from Univ. of Maryland

I'm a huge fan of meltdowns either in written or verbal form. To me watching someone absolutely lose their shit is perhaps the greatest of all performance art. Recently an e-mail sent from a member of the Delta Gamma sorority at the Univ. of Maryland to her fellow sorority sisters became viral. In it she admonishes (which is to put it mildly) her fellow sisters on how to behave at Greek week events. After reading it, then reading again, and again, and again, I can say we have not just a scolding e-mail but a true classic monologue of angst, rage, and vitriol. It is a monologue that is David Mamet'esque in it's tone, delivery, and execution. One begging to be brought to the stage by a master thespian. Consider it 'Death of a Salesman' for the millennial generation and would rival Alec Baldwin's turn in 'Glengary Glenross'. Or former Colts head coach Jim Mora's epic post-game rant 'PLAYOFFS! PLAYOFFS?! P..P..P..PLAYOFFS?'

In the same vain that students of literature love to dissect piece by piece of their favorite poems, I wanted to dissect this brilliant college age ode of discontent. Please come with me to truly enjoy this delectable feast of written fury:

 

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

 

Opens with a common device in English literature where they are preparing you for the boom! Like Shakespeare's sonnet's where he goes 'look, babe I got something important to say'. 

 

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu.

 

If Al Pacino were delivering this line, based on CAPS this where his cadence jumps up.

 

I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.

 

I love the transition to that whiny voice! You can literally visualize the sarcasm dripping out of that statement, like sap leaking form a tree. Now we're assuming the punching in the face is not literally, more like a SMH...

 

I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM.

Has anyone ever seen a flying fuck? Is that like joining the mile-high club? Such a great use of imagery.

 

This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES.

A little bit of mixed metaphor calling women cocks

 

Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.

Just as you're getting you're bearings back from being called a cock, WHAMMO! Tells you this critical point, because it's not just a fucking newsflash. It's double fucking newsflash

 

This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events.

Classic David Mamet technique of not just hurling an insult but expanding the insult even further by having you reply to are you mentally slow. Like cutting with a knife then twisting it.

 

If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

Now the rage comes to full burn! Also we are alerted to a new vernacular 'post-gaming'. I take that to be post-gaming as slang for 'What will happen afterward'

"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO.

More delicious imagry,with the term ass-hat. It could be interpreted in so many ways. Also very efficient use of the word fucking as both a pronoun and a verb.

I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?

Can't decide which is my favorite part'. First, I personally enjoy when writers use one word sentences for emphasis. And we have a magnificent example with her use of The.Opposing.Fucking.Team.

Second rapid machine gun fire prose asking if they are fucking stupid and if they are fucking blind. Richard Pryor once said he liked using the adjective fucking for dramatic effect. And we certainly have that here.

Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP.

This passage is a set-up fro the perhaps the most important line below...

 

I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

Here we have the cou'de gra, the line that will live in infamy for generations, the line that makes this e-mail rant the rant by which all other e-mail rants will be judged.

Let's step back for a moment and revisit the money quote here....I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that

Stop. Take a minute, close your eyes and let that line wash over you like the mighty waters of a rhetorical river. Cunt. Punt. Assuming it is more painful than a simple ass-kicking because the typical buttocks has more fatty tissue thus would insulate the blow. This is like a blow where an author describes not just ripping out someone's heart but stomping all over on the floor. Generally cunt is the thermal-nuclear word of the English language, in that once used between two friends it generally results in the mutually assured destruction of that relationship.

 

"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

Well we're not sure if her fellow sister's are crying...or crying from laughter. So the author reiterates her seriousness by using 'weird shits'. Here she follows-up that devastating blow of the c-punt with quick upper-cut of weird. In the sorority world, being called weird is perhaps the worst insult one can be leavied. It insinuates you are not part of the sorority mind-meld thus eeeek...an individual....gasp

 

I'm not fucking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER.

After that c-punt blast were pretty sure no one believes the author is kidding. The interesting note here is after her scorched Earth rhetoric she sort of dials back a little bit opting for the mild adjective 'horrible' when so many other synonyms are available. Grotesque comes to mind, So does despicaple. Why settle for horrible which is meh? We'll see below..

 

I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter.

Comic books have a device where the action is denoted by BAM..ZING..BLAM..POW? Well turns out the tepid 'horrible' used previously was just letting the reader catch their breath, regain some balance before the author unleashes another devastating combination of rhetorical punches that if by now must have the reader floored. As if the c-word wasn't enough she then uses the f- bomb. If c-punt went nuclear, then f-bomb is like spreading napalm for good measure afterward. Calling them a 'cock-block' is like returning the wreckage of the burned out reader's feelings and then urinating on them.

Then some more mocking in a fake offended sorority voice, then the big boom. She essentially accuses the reader of not being able to get guys unless completely smashed and must feel like 2x4 across the eyes.

Because as I paraphrase here 'Do you honestly think get boys by personality alone, bitch, puhhh...lllease'

 

Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

Were assuming the author has seen a lot of boners so she knows what she is talking about. Plus by now the author senses the reader is dazed, swaying, up against the ropes, so she goes in the knockout...

 

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

 

(wipes tears from eyes...clap,clap,clap,clap...ovation) Bravo! Bravo! And they said the era of the 'fuck you' letter was over.  Phew after that I need a breather.

 

The final insult is to note the author would apologize then swat..she doesn't care. Like the victor lending a hand to the vanquished then shoving her back down. Personally my favorite way to end an antagonistic encounter is The English cockney accent of  'piss off! but 'go fuck yourself' also works in North America and in certain parts of Asia. If the recipient and not the sender of a 'fuck off' a casual mention of 'sure, off your mom!' works as well

The Five People You'll Meet in Hell (or The Reverse Mitch Albom)

So this what it feels like when a nation collectively has a crappy week. Filled with tragedies both big and small. Planned and unplanned. For a lot of people stressful times bring out the best. I'm sure writer Mitch Albom and his totally positive take on life would collect these uplifting stories of heroism and pen some feel good tales about the human condition like 'The Five People You'll Meet In Heaven' or 'Tuesdays with Maury'. This blog is not about those people. In times of crisis there are those who rise to the occasion and those who extensively makes things worse. This blog is about the latter category. Here is a quick list of people who I think we'd all love to give the middle finger.

1.Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsaraev - For the very obvious reasons. And add to them anyone who kills in the name of religion be it Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, Judiasm, or whatever. Religion sometimes is like the skeevy chick in a dive bar, the cause of most fights and conflicts.

2. Alex Jones of InfoWars and his deranged band of 'truthers' - In the hours after the Boston Marathon bombing, the Governor of Massachusetts Deval Patrick had a press conference which was pretty important for the general public considering we were in the middle of a civil emergency. Was this an ongoing crisis? Were more attacks imminent? What was the status of the injured? Before the first question could be taken, a cretin of infowars.com,Dan Biodoni the hub for internet conspiracy theorists interrupted with 'Is This Another False Flag Attack To Take Away Our Civil Liberties?'

The biggest problem with the internet is when a event like this happens, it allows the rats and other assorted lowlifes to come out of the sewer to pollute online civility with their often obnoxious, sometimes sickening behavior. These are the same group of asswipes who have been harassing survivors and victim's family in Newtown, CT asserting Sandy Hook was a false flag conspiracy for the Government to seize all guns. Everything always seems to come down to far-fetched conspiracy and when confronted with irrefutable, counter evidence. Their response is well the conspiracy must be even deeper. 

 

Essentially the same strand runs through Alex Jones and all other conspiracy wingnuts is the blame for their pathetic lives is not because their own mistakes or bad luck, but some hidden nefarious force made up Global Zionist elitists who are personally ruining their lives as part of some vast conspiracy. It's like X-Files in its last season, running off the rails without any comprehensible shred of logic or plausibility.

3. Owners of that West, Texas fertilizer plant - The only thing worse than a tragedy is a tragedy that could have easily been prevented. With at least 15 dead, hundreds injured, and roughly an entire Texas town leveled because a fertilizer plant went kaboom with ammonium nitrate, the same substance used in the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing. There's a reason we have workplace safety laws, and Gov't regulation of Industry for instances like this, to prevent a fertilizer plant from storing nearly 30 times the legally allowed amount of ammonium nitrate in an unstable container. And there's a reason we have zoning laws to prevent certain things that do not belong together from ending up next to each other. Like schools and adult bookstores, or a landfill next to a farm field, or a plant housing hazardous materials next to a populated area.

Texas prides itself on being fiercely independent, and keeping Gov't out of people's lives, but they should also not be excluding common sense seeing as an inordinate amount of workplace accidents and deaths seem concentrated in the Lone Star state. As the famous Texan blogger, Molly Ivins would say, 'If you think building a fertilizer plant full of flammable chemcials next to residential neighborhood is a good idea, then you're a special kind a moron'.

4. The Senate Filibuster - Technically this is not a person but a thing. However like Pat Sajak essentially an outdated tool who has long outlived any usefulness. This week the Senate had 55 votes (out of 100) to approve of expanded background checks for firearm sales, an idea that 90% of Americans agree with including majority of gun owners in the wake of the Sandy Hook shootings. But the archaic rule of needing 60 votes to close off debate prevented the bill from being voted on effectively killing it. Plus any meaningful immigration reform, or tax reform, or anything the 21st century might require appears headed down this road as well. In most democracies majority rules, no matter how big or small. Because if a political party has won an election then they have won the right to govern.

Some concern trolls might argue, 'Well hold on there sir, as a Democrat, wouldn't you oppose it if Republicans only needed 51 votes to kill Social Security or appoint a deranged clown as Supreme Court justice, or name Jojo the circus monkey as Secretary of State?' I say let em, and then in the next election let 'em faith the wrath of an angry electorate. Until then the Senate is merely a place where progress and good ideas go to die.

Also quick special f**k you to Texas Sen.Ted Cruz. When New Jersey needed emergency relief funding for Hurricane Sandy, you initially filibustered it and eventually voted no, wasting valuable time. Because you cited preventing Gov't waste, and freedom, or something. But when a crooked plant owner inadvertently blows up a small Texas town and suddenly your all about sucking at the Federal Gov't tit for emergency aid because tragedy and Jesus would've wanted that way or something. Well filibustering can be a two way street.

5.Gwyneth Paltrow - Now she expressly did not cause any tragedies last week, but it's worth pointing out she's basically the World's biggest asshole. Some in Hollywood are asking why does everyone hate her so much? Why all the vitriol? Well for me she embodies the three most loathsome traits a human being can have:

First, she's a raging narcissist, whose collection of cookbooks, wellness guides, and internet site might as well be called 'Me,Myself, and I'. I'll assume most celebrities in Hollywood are selfish jerk-offs but unlike Paltrow, most actors at least have the ability to 'act' the part of 'likeable'. I'm sure George Clooney is enjoying the good life at some chateau in Swiss Alps but he at least keeps his enthusiasm under wraps seeing as most of the globe is in a recession right now. And some celebrities actually try to spend some their fortune to help out other less fortunate, like with Matt Damon's Clean Water campaign in Africa.

Second, she's the worst kind of rich person, the clueless kind. The kind that never had the financial limits of growing up in a middle or working class existence, and explains why very few can relate when Paltrow asks why can't every person be as fabulous as her. So when she bleats on about how the key to beauty is some $2,500 face moisturizer from Europe or her Spring fashion must have items recommended on her ode to self-absorption, goop.com total over half-a-million dollars. It's easy why most people would love throw a bag of elephant feces at her face. Plus she can stop telling average parents what to feed their kids, since I don't recall her becoming a registered dietician.

And lastly there's the nepotism thing. The reason most civilized nations got rid of monarchies and fiefdoms is the belief birth rite should not be an entitlement. And perhaps what grates me the most is she was born third base, but thinks she got there by hitting a triple. Can anyone honestly say Paltrow would have a career if she's not Blythe Danner's daughter? So good for her she's People's magazine's most beautiful in the World. But if inner beauty were on the cover it would be a picture of pig vomit.

So here's to hopefully better weeks and months in the near future.

Something Every 9th Grader Should Hear, Papa John's, and How Kim Kardashian ensured marriage equality will become reality

So Why Exactly Does Eric Holder still have a job? - During Senate Judicial testimony about why not one person responsible for the 2008 economic crash has ever been prosecuted, America's top prosecutor had this to say:

I'm concerned that the size of some of these institutions becomes so large that it does become difficult to prosecute them when we are hit with indications that if you do prosecute, if you do bring a criminal charge, it will have a negative impact on the national economy

Attorney General Clueless

 

So in another words Mr.Attorney General banks have now gotten so big they can threaten United States with economic catastrophe if you try to arrest their executives and you more or less admitting that there are two separate legal systems. One for mega corporations and rich people and another for the rest of us. Right. So who else is too big to prosecute? Terrorists? Drug Dealers? Mobsters?

 

To understand how completely incompetent Eric Holder is, imagine a 'bankster' trying to tell J.Edgar Hoover prosecuting them would be hazardous to the nation's economic health. Hoover would probably respond the way Ray Lewis would if you poked him in the eye and called him ugly. Because you simply could not threaten or intimidate a man who enjoyed the feel of soft satin that came from wearing negligee and women's panties (allegedly) under that manly FBI suit.

The original Victoria's Secret model

Since were talking about stealing money...how is your 401K doing? - Remember when 401K's were the route to wealthy retirement because those old, stuffy ideas of guaranteed income such as pensions and Social Security were outdated because Wall Street knew best how to handle money right and get the best return? Well not really says an analysis by Slate.com showing even if your 401K survived the big Wall Street crack-up of five years ago and actually made money, 20% of your potential savings went to fees, and commissions. So if you managed to make $100,000, you would only have $80,000 because the other $20,000 got siphoned off by investment firm for the 'privilege' of managing your money. Bloomberg's Josh Barro (not exactly raging pinko, socialist) essentially sums up 401K's as bullshit and proposes expanding Social Security to 20% more than currently paid out.

The US Supreme Court had the gayest week ever! - This past week the US Supreme Court heard two sure to be groundbreaking cases. One involving overturning California's Proposition 8 (Perry v. Schwarzenegger), an odious ballot referendum in 2008 that stripped gay and lesbians' right to marry after it had already been granted by California's Supreme court. The other (United States v. Windsor) deciding whether the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) which barred the Federal Gov't from recognizing married gay couples was unconstitutional.

Reading the tea leaves, legal analysts when not busy finding ways to bill clients $200 an hour for their legal services speculated DOMA would be overturned due to the Equal Protection clause in the 14th amendment of the Constitution. Translated from pig Latin legalese, it means Gov't can't deny certain groups equal protection under the law just because you don't like them. Prop 8 will probably be overturned due to a technicality because private individuals (in this case raging homophobes from out of state) can't defend a public law that the California Gov't neither wanted nor asked for.

The Prop 8 ruling likely won't apply Nationally, so backwaters like Alabama and Oklahoma can still keep their gay marriage bans...for now. However the real victory was the Plaintiffs challenging Prop 8 delivered a proverbial legal smackdown eviscerating every argument anti-gay advocates have used in the past to deny gay marriage. The knock out punch was delivered when the defendants for Prop 8 had no response when asked 'If marriage should only be between a man and woman because gay couples can't procreate, why then are heterosexual couples who cannot or do not want children allowed to marry?' Bazinga! The plaintiffs finished out the closing arguments with a mic drop after delivering the verse 'Ring the bell.It's over.' 

 

So here's how Kim Kardashian helped ensure marriage equality will become reality - To understand how momentous these Supreme Court cases were, check out the trend chart showing the survey of Americans approving gay marriage since 2004. Look at the trends after 2010, and suddenly support for gay marriage starts skyrocketing to where in 2013 reportedly it's now up to 58% which in Social Sciences is unprecedented. So what happened in 2011 to suddenly start changing people's mind?

Kim Kardashian, who Joel McHale accurately summarized as being famous for having a big ass, a sextape and starring in a reality TV show with her dead behind the eyes sisters. Apparently she had found true love with Kris Humphries and decided to share that love for all the World in a yearlong 24/7 media orgy and punctuated by a fairytale wedding (televised of course) and dream marriage ...which lasted for about 74 days.

My theory is when the rancid, decaying, maggot infested stench emanating from the corpse of this publicity stunt infiltrated the collective nostrils of America. It caused millions of thinking people who were previously unsure about gay marriage to reconsider after realizing any two morons by virtue of simply being heterosexual can get together to have a 'marriage'. But two loving, committed gay or lesbians who spend a lifetime together as was the case for the plaintiffs challenging DOMA could not which is just plain wrong. 

 

Unlike oral sex there actually is such a thing as a bad pizza - Recently it came to light that Papa John's Pizza was threatening bloggers of any size with lawsuits for talking ill of company CEO John Schnatter who recently threw a public tantrum over having to provide health insurance to his minimum wage employees under the new Healthcare reform. Schnatter threatened he'd have to raise prices a whopping $0.20 per pizza to cover this new insurance.

Not that I'd ever order one of Papa John's shitty pizzas because living New Jersey we are blessed with an abundance of family owned pizzerias far superior to anything mass production pizzas companies could dish out. But I think I speak for decent people that I would not mind paying an extra $0.20 if it meant the guy delivering my pizza could see a doctor without going broke. Herein lies the problem with oligarchs like Schnatter, they don't get that they either provide workers with a decent living wage or they end up supporting a social welfare programs through higher taxes because employees are to poor to afford decent health insurance.

 

 

Stupid Human (Resource) Tricks - Anyone whose ever worked in an office or large corporate setting knows that Human Resources is really just another word for 'people who could not hack it in Business school so would up doing this instead'. Typically HR reps are fall into the category of useful idiots, people semi-intelligent but not enough to actually bring anything of value in a skilled labor pool. So they are used as corporate hacks, there to take all the slings and arrows of employees when corporate makes unpopular decisions and some how put a bright, smiley, spin on it (like calling $2,500 deductible health insurance a 'consumer directed health plan')

So it comes as no surprise according to a study done by Greg Beato in the Wall Street Journal that showed everything Human Resources thought they knew about hiring was (predictably) wrong. For instance:

 

1.The classic Briggs-Myers personality test is actually not a good indicator of personality. Neither is a person's credit score a good indicator of dependability. 

 

2.Switching jobs frequently can actually be a good thing because shows worker is highly motivated to have a fulfilling career.

 

3.Most people who have gone more than 5 years after committing a small minor criminal offense without incident are no higher risk than people who have no criminal record. Especially if that offense was during college.

 

4.Telecommuting and flexible schedules actually make people more productive not less.

 

5.Facebook profiles are not adequately reflective of how someone would be at work plus most people are smart enough to make their profiles private anyway.

 

6.And if someone is stupid enough to post a racist rant, brag about criminal activity, or a scandalous picture to social media than they're probably not smart enough for an important job anyway.

 

7.Everyone has figured a canned response to the inevitable questions that start with 'So tell me about a time when...'

What Sour Grapes Must Taste Like - Lost amid all the hub-bub with the Supreme Court cases over gay marriage was another equally important case regarding race based admissions into colleges heard last Fall. The case is Fisher v. Texas which involves a now 23 year-old who did not get into Univ. of Texas after high school and cited the policy of preferential admission for minorities for instances when deciding on applicants who are 'on the bubble' as the unfair the reason she didn't get in. I'm not going to debate if colleges need race based admissions but from reading the trial briefs it seems more of a case of sour grapes than of any sort of discrimination. Not sure how her lawyrers explained why roughly 160 minority applicants with a higher GPA than Fisher also did NOT get into UT, while roughly 70 white applicants with a lower GPA than Fisher DID get in.

Despite Texas' reputation as a collection of rednecks residing in a hub of ignorance resulting in woeful public schools (49th behind Mississippi, hook 'em horns!) it's university system is actually very good with UT-Austin considered one of the best public universities in the country. And I mention sour grapes for Ms.Fisher since UT-Austin automatically accepts Texas high school seniors who are in the Top 10 percent academically of their graduating class. These people account for 75% of UT-Austin's incoming Freshmen class at any given year leaving the out of state and 'on-the-bubble' applicants to compete for other 25% of spots.

Had Ms.Fisher been in that Top 10% her acceptance would have been guaranteed, but let's face it if you are on the outside of that 10% than you probably did not apply yourself well enough in the four years of high school. But rather than do what high school seniors have done for decades which is accept it and move on. Plus despite Fisher initially being offered a chance to transfer to UT for her Sophomore year if her Freshman college grades were good enough. Apparently she had herself a holy temper tantrum and her Daddy lawyered up with a educational reform think-tank with an agenda and...yada,yada,yada...her little pity party could adversely affect minority placement in top colleges.

 

 

So I want any 8th grader gearing up for the big show of high school next Fall to pay close attention and not be like Ms.Fisher....

 

 

So here's something Every 9th grader should hear - For high school growing up in Columbus, Ohio I went to St.Charles, an all boys Catholic high school that was academically tough and rigorous. What made St.Charles unique though was rather than cater to rich, upper class families, it primarily existed to give boys from lower, working, and middle class backgrounds an opportunity for an top-flight prep school education. On my first day then Principal Dominic Cavello, a man I grew to admire and respect gave a speech that frankly should be required listening of all incoming high school Freshmen. The basic gist of his speech was:

'As of this day, life begins taking score because from here on out all of your decisions will have consequences, some big, some small, but all collectively will determine your path into the future. Wherever you end up in 4, 8 all the way to 30, 40 years from now will be a direct result of the actions taken (or not taken) by you starting right now. It all counts so my advice to you gentlemen is Carpe Diem!' (Latin for 'Seize The Day')

 

You = kayaker, Shark = globalization

 

I wish I had listened to Mr.Cavello and taken what he meant seriously because I fell into that trap of just doing enough to get by and not really putting extra effort into much of anything. I skated through four years of St.Chuck's with a 2.6 GPA, not bad but not good either and certainly not worthy of applying to my dream school Northwestern University in Chicago. Where it hit me that I had wasted a golden opportunity, was graduation when it was announced that the Top 10% of my class had gotten into the elite colleges such as the Ivy Leagues, Stanford, Vanderbilt, Notre Dame, and yep Northwestern. And 52% of my class got academic scholarships to wherever they were headed. Of course a 2.6 GPA does not get you any of those things accept guaranteed admission to a open enrollment state university (Hello Bowling Green with its 'tough' 2.3 minimum GPA needed for admission) with the saving grace of parents willing to pay for tuition.

Unlike Ms.Fisher I learned from my mistake, applied myself in college, got a 3.3 GPA and eventually landed a scholarship to grad school and down the career path to where I'm now. But it always nagged me if I graduated from high school with something close to a 4.0 what could have been. I may have well still wound up at Bowling Green but it would have been a hell of lot cheaper for myself and my parents.

And it's not just in academics but how you choose to invest your time while in high school. Will you choose to find yourself so to grow emotionally and intellectually or lose yourself in the petty social rituals like hanging with the cool kids and parties? Will you learn to build meaningful friendships and how to relate with other people or play the part of the angst ridden teenager or worse a bully? Will you venture outside and explore the World or remain inside and let computer or video games be your reality? Will you do something positive that contributes to a community like a sport, club, or the arts or be negative and tear others down by being an insolent little troll?

This is something I will impart to my kids when the time comes. But meanwhile for all you 8th graders gearing up for 9th grade, my advice to you is Carpe Diem!