How not to handle Public Relations - Let's say you're the Valley Pool Club a snooty, elitist aquatic club outside Philly who has a history of anti-semitism when selecting new members. And one day you abrubtly cancel a inner-city youth day camp trip to your club because one of you're members complained about "All those little black kids in the pool".
Now when the local news media comes to inquire about why, don't send out a press release with this response: "We decided not to allow them back because we wanted preserve the complexion and atmosphere of the club". At that point you might as well change the club's name to Club KKK.
Supreme Court deals blow to show 'Cops' - The US Supreme Court ruled that cops cannot search a glove compartment inside a car just on probable cause alone. They actually have to follow the US Constitution and get driver's consent or get a warrant. So no more hilarity when the mulleted redneck in the wife beater t-shirt says "I ain't got no drugs" and they search the car and find enough Crystal Meth to fuel a Toby Keith conert. But on the bright side cops still get to carry taser guns!
Signs you may have a gambling problem - Recently it was discovered that in legal New Jersey sports betting venues in Atlantic City, you could actually bet on which 13 year-old would win the National Spelling Bee. No word on how many gamblers we're asked to be more specific when placing a bet on "The Asian Kid".
Hot new feud: Barbara Walters vs. Bruno - Proving vapidity on the The View isn't just limited to Elizabeth Hasslebeck, Barbara Walters (or those of the WASP New England background: BaHBaHa WaHters) chastised the movie "Bruno" as being elitist for reportedly making fun of ordinary people by exposing their homophobia. We could take her seriously or we could conclude she's an self-important, whiny, out-of-touch, humorless gas bag.
Hot new Feud: Sarah Palin vs. A Coherent Thought Process - Now ex-governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin quit her job though she's not quitting and not being Governor will allow her to do more for Alaska. Ok, that makes sense..uhh..wait..nope..huh..WHAT?
Don't Cry for Him Argentina - Politicians must clamoring for the good old days when they could fly off to Argentina for five days to have an extramarital affair in obscurity while reportedly on official State business. Unfortunetly for Gov.Mark Sanford of South Carolina, those pesky little people called 'taxpayers' get all snippy when their governor isn't doing his job. Then the media have the nerve to ambush him at the airport returning home from the affair and don't even give enough time to grab the wife as a prop for the "I made a mistake" groveling speech.
New Jersey Corruption Bust - Feds recently arrested 44 and counting politicians around the State for various corruption practices. If they arrest all 120 members of the State Legislature along with anyone associated with our Governor we may very well have something resembling an actual, functioning State government.
"Wow, I can't believe it's not plastic' - According to recently released research, margerine "the pretend butter" is only one molecule different from plastic. If you like margerine on your toast perhaps you'll like eating the plastic bag the bread comes in too.
Anyone watch Amy Adam's career take off - and think that was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan's career?
Anyone watch Rachel McAdam's career take off - and think that was supposed to be Neve Campbell's career?
Newest Right-Wing complaint about Obama: He's ruining married men's "game" - On Fox News, they whined about Barack taking Michelle on dates because it placed an unfair expectation on married men to actually have to take their wives to a romantic dinner. Yep, they actually said that and conservatives wonder why they're rapidly losing credibility.
Given the slew of sex scandals involving right-wing politicians lately, I guess that means for them the burden involves taking a woman to a romantic dinner who actually is their wife. Or in the case Sen.Lindsay Graham taking someone to a romantic dinner who is actually of the opposite sex (allegedly).
An invention we really don't need - Coors Light introduced it's scientific breakthrough that will be sure revolutionize how human beings live and work from here on ...a beer can that turns blue when cold. Whoa, that's some heady stuff! Uh, not really. Thanks to 6,000 years of human evolution, I've found that the sense of touch can help me decipher instantly if a beer is cold enough. And if the beer isn't cold enough, the following formula usually solves the problem: Case of beer + Ice x 30 minutes = WIN.
If you thought you had the Math Teacher from Hell - I'll always have the phobia of scientific calculators thanks to my horrific high school Trig teacher, but she'll have nothing on Khang Khek Ieu aka 'Comrade Cenh". A retired math teacher from Cambodia, Cenh is described as having a mean streak which according to an Cambodian Genocide Tribunal, served him well in running the infamous Tuol Slang prison during the Khmer Rouge reign of terror of that country from 1975 to 1979.
Evidently the place made Auchowitz look like a Caribbean resort. Of the 17,000 political prisoners who entered Cenh's facility, only 12 are known to have survived. Cenh's is also charged with developing an efficient way of exterminating 2.4 million people by creating the infamous "Killing Fields" where mass executions routinely took place. But in fairness, I'll assume not all math teachers are genocidal maniacs.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
My New Rules (since Bill Maher on hiatus) - 7/10/2009
In honor of Bill Maher, one of my heroes. It's moy own version of 'New Rules' for 2009
New Rule 1: Restrictions on the phrase 'Cause That's How I Roll' - White, middle-class surbanites who invoke this phrase must use with an obvious sense of irony denoting a subtle self-deprevation about one's sense of style. Otherwise will be denoted as a massive fail at attempting to sound hip.
Exempted from the rule:
Pro Athletes
Rappers with a minimum of 3 hit singles
Bill Gates
Anyone who can actually afford a bottle of Cristal Champagne
Also applies to "There ain't no shame to my game"
New Rule 2: Jenny McCarthy needs to shut her pie hole - My heart will always go out to families struggling with children who have autism. But for Jenny McCarthy to imply parents skip childhood vaccinations because results from junk science show they cause autism. Thereby raising the risk for remergence of deadly diseases is wreckless and irresponsible. McCarthy is famous for showing her crotch in Playboy, not having a doctorate in Neuro science.
New Rule 3: Teachers must stop being the scapegoat for failing schools - We don't so much have a teaching problem as we do a parenting problem. Like the old phrase "You can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink". You can have best schools in the world but if the kids aren't motivated because of vapid parents at home it won't matter. Also educators are free to say "Well, the world will always need ditch diggers" when explaining perfomace of lazy kids to their lazy parents.
New Rule 4: Celebrities must be nominally interesting to have a Twitter account - Seeing as how twitter now has a higher purpose in helping contribute to a revolution in Iran, it's time clear up bandwidth. Therefore, no more Ashton Kuchter telling us about his latest bowel movement or whatever garbage comes out of Paris Hilton's mouth. Instead all meaningless and ego-centric posts will be rerouted to the site whogivesashit.com
New Rule 5: Ignorant American teenagers cannot make fun of Asian-Indians - Here in New Jersey there's a joke that the welcome package for Asian-Indian immigrants includes running a gas station or Dunkin Donuts. But most people admire them for their hard work ethic and truly following an American dream. Though some dumb teens think's it's amusing to taunt them, but what they don't realize is in about 5 years they will be calling these immigrants something else....BOSS.
New Rule 6: Jon Gosselin is offically a douchebag - Not that I don't sympathize with all the henpecking and badgering he had to endure from Kate on their show 'Jon&Kate plus 8'. But a real man does not go out have an affair with a 22 year old skank and more or less abandon 8 kids because the mom happens to be a modern day Succubus.
At least have the cojones to confront Kate about her behavior and suggest counseling....or an exorcism. But don't act like a classless jerk-off when you finally decide you've had enough, because when you're a father, it's not just about you anymore.
New Rule 7: There is now a 100% tax imposed on stupid rich people - Recently deceased Leona Helmsley, hotel empire hieress and all around friend to the 'little people' graciously willed $6 million....to her cat. I'm not about class warfare, but sometimes luxury reaches an obscene heights, like an unnamed Wall Street CEO who spent $250,000 for an diamond encrusted iPhone. Rich people who cannot spend money wisely are not entitled to any of it.
New Rule 8: Celebrities who are less than a B-grade are no longer entitlted to their own reality shows - To all the Tori Spellings and MC Hammers out there who think having TV cameras follow them will revive careers it won't. It just helps us normal people feel better about oursleves because at least we're not Tori Spelling or MC Hammer. So we will use this process to weed out all proposals for a reality show: a game a Russian Roulette where six pseudo celebrities come in but only the last one alive gets the show.
New Rule 9: George Bush must have his 'Frost/Nixon' moment - If the 43rd President of the US wants to re-enter polite society and have any trace of respectibility he must sit down for a real interview and face all the hard questions he ducked for 8 years. Plus like Richard Nixon 30 years before him, be forced to give honest answers to those hard questions.
Here's some examples:
So in your view, was Saddam Huessein's biggest crime that he controlled the world's largest oil reserve but had the gaul to not give it to your cronies in the Oil and Gas companies?
Is there any policy decision you made that was not on behalf of corporate or special interest groups?
When you took a week to bother doing anything about New Orleans after Katrina, was it because most of it's residents we're poor and black, and therefore not politically important to you?
New Rule 10: White House Press Corps are now officially worthless - Within the DC chattering, punditry class there has been a lot of discontent because Pres. Obama had the nerve to answer a question from blogger instead of a 'real' journalist. But consider this, of all the Presidential scandals of the last 50 years, not one was originally broken by a 'real' White House journalist. No wonder Nixon referred to these people as 'useful idiots'.
During this time these 'real' journalists we're more interested in making the rounds of the DC cocktail and hovre d'ors circuit than actually doing any real investigative reporting. That's why I propose these 'real' journalists be demoted to title of 'stenographer' or 'glorified note-taker'. While giving the title of 'real journalist' to all those bloggers and reporters who actually are interested in watching over those in Washington who hold the reign of power.
New Rule 1: Restrictions on the phrase 'Cause That's How I Roll' - White, middle-class surbanites who invoke this phrase must use with an obvious sense of irony denoting a subtle self-deprevation about one's sense of style. Otherwise will be denoted as a massive fail at attempting to sound hip.
Exempted from the rule:
Pro Athletes
Rappers with a minimum of 3 hit singles
Bill Gates
Anyone who can actually afford a bottle of Cristal Champagne
Also applies to "There ain't no shame to my game"
New Rule 2: Jenny McCarthy needs to shut her pie hole - My heart will always go out to families struggling with children who have autism. But for Jenny McCarthy to imply parents skip childhood vaccinations because results from junk science show they cause autism. Thereby raising the risk for remergence of deadly diseases is wreckless and irresponsible. McCarthy is famous for showing her crotch in Playboy, not having a doctorate in Neuro science.
New Rule 3: Teachers must stop being the scapegoat for failing schools - We don't so much have a teaching problem as we do a parenting problem. Like the old phrase "You can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink". You can have best schools in the world but if the kids aren't motivated because of vapid parents at home it won't matter. Also educators are free to say "Well, the world will always need ditch diggers" when explaining perfomace of lazy kids to their lazy parents.
New Rule 4: Celebrities must be nominally interesting to have a Twitter account - Seeing as how twitter now has a higher purpose in helping contribute to a revolution in Iran, it's time clear up bandwidth. Therefore, no more Ashton Kuchter telling us about his latest bowel movement or whatever garbage comes out of Paris Hilton's mouth. Instead all meaningless and ego-centric posts will be rerouted to the site whogivesashit.com
New Rule 5: Ignorant American teenagers cannot make fun of Asian-Indians - Here in New Jersey there's a joke that the welcome package for Asian-Indian immigrants includes running a gas station or Dunkin Donuts. But most people admire them for their hard work ethic and truly following an American dream. Though some dumb teens think's it's amusing to taunt them, but what they don't realize is in about 5 years they will be calling these immigrants something else....BOSS.
New Rule 6: Jon Gosselin is offically a douchebag - Not that I don't sympathize with all the henpecking and badgering he had to endure from Kate on their show 'Jon&Kate plus 8'. But a real man does not go out have an affair with a 22 year old skank and more or less abandon 8 kids because the mom happens to be a modern day Succubus.
At least have the cojones to confront Kate about her behavior and suggest counseling....or an exorcism. But don't act like a classless jerk-off when you finally decide you've had enough, because when you're a father, it's not just about you anymore.
New Rule 7: There is now a 100% tax imposed on stupid rich people - Recently deceased Leona Helmsley, hotel empire hieress and all around friend to the 'little people' graciously willed $6 million....to her cat. I'm not about class warfare, but sometimes luxury reaches an obscene heights, like an unnamed Wall Street CEO who spent $250,000 for an diamond encrusted iPhone. Rich people who cannot spend money wisely are not entitled to any of it.
New Rule 8: Celebrities who are less than a B-grade are no longer entitlted to their own reality shows - To all the Tori Spellings and MC Hammers out there who think having TV cameras follow them will revive careers it won't. It just helps us normal people feel better about oursleves because at least we're not Tori Spelling or MC Hammer. So we will use this process to weed out all proposals for a reality show: a game a Russian Roulette where six pseudo celebrities come in but only the last one alive gets the show.
New Rule 9: George Bush must have his 'Frost/Nixon' moment - If the 43rd President of the US wants to re-enter polite society and have any trace of respectibility he must sit down for a real interview and face all the hard questions he ducked for 8 years. Plus like Richard Nixon 30 years before him, be forced to give honest answers to those hard questions.
Here's some examples:
So in your view, was Saddam Huessein's biggest crime that he controlled the world's largest oil reserve but had the gaul to not give it to your cronies in the Oil and Gas companies?
Is there any policy decision you made that was not on behalf of corporate or special interest groups?
When you took a week to bother doing anything about New Orleans after Katrina, was it because most of it's residents we're poor and black, and therefore not politically important to you?
New Rule 10: White House Press Corps are now officially worthless - Within the DC chattering, punditry class there has been a lot of discontent because Pres. Obama had the nerve to answer a question from blogger instead of a 'real' journalist. But consider this, of all the Presidential scandals of the last 50 years, not one was originally broken by a 'real' White House journalist. No wonder Nixon referred to these people as 'useful idiots'.
During this time these 'real' journalists we're more interested in making the rounds of the DC cocktail and hovre d'ors circuit than actually doing any real investigative reporting. That's why I propose these 'real' journalists be demoted to title of 'stenographer' or 'glorified note-taker'. While giving the title of 'real journalist' to all those bloggers and reporters who actually are interested in watching over those in Washington who hold the reign of power.
North Korea, Manscaping, and ripping John Mayer a new one - 6/10/2009
Photo Caption - 'Hey Keira, when you start walking on your own, Mom and Dad are so screwed!'
Signs the 'Tom Selleck Look' won't be coming back anytime soon - New from Gilette, the 'Man Body Groomer' which will revolutionize manscaping as we know it. Possibly the best part is their marketing slogan (i'm not kidding) "Trims the bushes to make the Tree look bigger!"
Jessica Biel says beautiful people have it tough - In an interview from Allure magazine, Ms.Biel frets that beauty is a burden because it's prevents her from being taken seriously as an actress. In her defense, I can relate since I'm sure I've lost out on good market research jobs due to my stunning body, movie-star good looks, and overall killer sex appeal.
Mariah Carey says 9/11 ruined movie career - Providing a living example to college Pysch majors everywhere of cognitive dissonance. Carey said the movie Glitter widely regarded as the worst film of all time would have succeeded had it not been released right after 9/11. I have to disagree citing the film was released with the French alternate-title "Smoking Pile of Crap".
North Korean dictator names heir apparent - In case anyone was worried that peace and tranquility might return to the Korean peninsula fear not! Kim Jong Il named his oldest son as successor to his regime. And if you thought Kim Jong was a few croutons short of a salad, evidently his son is nuttier than a squirrel's nest.
British Elections upcoming - In a battle of the least charismatic politicians ever, British Prime Minister Gordon "Mr.Excitement" Brown appears headed to certain defeat at the hands of Conservative Party leader David "Likes to Party" Cameron. That bastion of 'intellectualism' FHM Magazine gives their take: "It really comes down to who less looks like a lumpy, dried out, bag of cement. So we give the edge to Cameron...barely".
Proof statistics can be fun - For example recent surveys show residents of Newfoundland are the most sexually active of any provence in Canada. Newfoundland also has a town called Dildo. Coincidence? I think not.
Coming Soon: "Catcher in the Rye 2-The Loathing Returns" - uh, not really. Author JD Sullinger has sued to prevent a sequel to the classic novel Catcher in the Rye whose main contribution to literature is possibly foreshadowing the Emo movement.
In terms of story development, assuming the main character Holden Caulfield follows the typical Baby Boomer trajectory. The sequel picks up with Caulfield being put on medication and becoming a preppy, conformist drone focused mainly on making money and instant self-gratification.
If crazy was sold as coffee, Fox News would be Starbucks - Evidently the right-wing pundits over at Fox are still bitter about the election. They recently called Obama Un-American because he likes dijon mustard on his hamburger and that's apparently only the French do. So that's makes him unfit to be President? uhh..good luck with that.
"What Fox did is not just create a venue for alternative opinion. It created an alternate reality," Charles Krauthammer.
I hope Heidi and Spencer don't ruin thier careers by being overexposed - oops, too late.
Best Reason yet why politicians should not twitter -
US Sen.Chuck Grassley's (R-Iowa) twitter criticism of Obama's Paris sightseeing trip- "you got nerve while u sightseeing"
From Sarah Smith via blog Wonkette - "Remember back in 1780-something, when we had actual smart people writing our founding documents in beautiful longhand when they weren't inventing new kinds of ploughs and bifocals and shit? Now our nation's top legislators just type away like petulant teenage girls, with their thumbs."
A Response to John Mayer's twitter post - From uber-tool John Mayer about why men generally aren't big fans of his:
"Men hate me because I date their dream girls"
My response: Actually John men hate you because you're a no talent, ass-clown who is single-handedly responsible for the pussification of Rock'N'Roll. The only reason you have a music career is corporate radio perpetuating those God-awful songs to make the airwaves safe for the Lite-Rock/Adult Contemporary crowd who primarily use music as background noise.
Your brand of 'schlock rock' could only be loved by a soulless, record company hack who thinks Hootie and the Blowfish are edgy. If you had any ounce of musical integrity, you would take your guitar playing hand and stick it through a running wood-chipper.
Jessica Biel says beautiful people have it tough - In an interview from Allure magazine, Ms.Biel frets that beauty is a burden because it's prevents her from being taken seriously as an actress. In her defense, I can relate since I'm sure I've lost out on good market research jobs due to my stunning body, movie-star good looks, and overall killer sex appeal.
Mariah Carey says 9/11 ruined movie career - Providing a living example to college Pysch majors everywhere of cognitive dissonance. Carey said the movie Glitter widely regarded as the worst film of all time would have succeeded had it not been released right after 9/11. I have to disagree citing the film was released with the French alternate-title "Smoking Pile of Crap".
North Korean dictator names heir apparent - In case anyone was worried that peace and tranquility might return to the Korean peninsula fear not! Kim Jong Il named his oldest son as successor to his regime. And if you thought Kim Jong was a few croutons short of a salad, evidently his son is nuttier than a squirrel's nest.
British Elections upcoming - In a battle of the least charismatic politicians ever, British Prime Minister Gordon "Mr.Excitement" Brown appears headed to certain defeat at the hands of Conservative Party leader David "Likes to Party" Cameron. That bastion of 'intellectualism' FHM Magazine gives their take: "It really comes down to who less looks like a lumpy, dried out, bag of cement. So we give the edge to Cameron...barely".
Proof statistics can be fun - For example recent surveys show residents of Newfoundland are the most sexually active of any provence in Canada. Newfoundland also has a town called Dildo. Coincidence? I think not.
Coming Soon: "Catcher in the Rye 2-The Loathing Returns" - uh, not really. Author JD Sullinger has sued to prevent a sequel to the classic novel Catcher in the Rye whose main contribution to literature is possibly foreshadowing the Emo movement.
In terms of story development, assuming the main character Holden Caulfield follows the typical Baby Boomer trajectory. The sequel picks up with Caulfield being put on medication and becoming a preppy, conformist drone focused mainly on making money and instant self-gratification.
If crazy was sold as coffee, Fox News would be Starbucks - Evidently the right-wing pundits over at Fox are still bitter about the election. They recently called Obama Un-American because he likes dijon mustard on his hamburger and that's apparently only the French do. So that's makes him unfit to be President? uhh..good luck with that.
"What Fox did is not just create a venue for alternative opinion. It created an alternate reality," Charles Krauthammer.
I hope Heidi and Spencer don't ruin thier careers by being overexposed - oops, too late.
Best Reason yet why politicians should not twitter -
US Sen.Chuck Grassley's (R-Iowa) twitter criticism of Obama's Paris sightseeing trip- "you got nerve while u sightseeing"
From Sarah Smith via blog Wonkette - "Remember back in 1780-something, when we had actual smart people writing our founding documents in beautiful longhand when they weren't inventing new kinds of ploughs and bifocals and shit? Now our nation's top legislators just type away like petulant teenage girls, with their thumbs."
A Response to John Mayer's twitter post - From uber-tool John Mayer about why men generally aren't big fans of his:
"Men hate me because I date their dream girls"
My response: Actually John men hate you because you're a no talent, ass-clown who is single-handedly responsible for the pussification of Rock'N'Roll. The only reason you have a music career is corporate radio perpetuating those God-awful songs to make the airwaves safe for the Lite-Rock/Adult Contemporary crowd who primarily use music as background noise.
Your brand of 'schlock rock' could only be loved by a soulless, record company hack who thinks Hootie and the Blowfish are edgy. If you had any ounce of musical integrity, you would take your guitar playing hand and stick it through a running wood-chipper.
Swine Flu, Rock of Love, and Twittering is for twats - 5/4/2009
Pork: the other white meat - As the swine flu meagerly makes its away across the globe (thus far). I'm so glad our media have shown reserve and integrity by not sensationalizing the epidemic and causing a panic...uhh...never mind.
The Return of ‘Rock of Lame..urr.. Love’ – Like a bad case of Syphilis that won’t go away, Brett Michaels former lead singer of faux-metal act Poison is back for third run around of finding love among 12 middle-aged strippers. I guess Brett has uhh..’High’ standards for potential love interests since he can’t seem to find the right one from the collective human cesspool who form the dating pool for the show.
'Obsession' Movie Review - I really enjoyed this movie..... back when it was called 'Fatal Attraction' about 20 years ago.
'17 Again' Movie Review - I really enjoyed this movie.....back when it was called 'Dream a Little Dream' about 20 years ago.
And on a side note, you can have my age 17 because it sucked, and I enjoy the part of adulthood where you can look back at high school and laugh at all supposedly 'cool' people now working as gas station attendants. I also enjoy the part of adulthood where you have money and freedom.
Am I Bad Person…. – If upon hearing that Elisabeth Hasselbeck was injured in a bicycle accident and my initial split-second response was “I hope she was injured!”?
New Jersey looks to ban bikini waxes - Well my summer plans at the Shore are shot.....uhh....I mean someone in the State capital has too much time on their hands.
Miss USA controversy - I think the real debate surrounding this year's event is not whether Miss California is a bigoted-idiot (she is) or Perez Hilton asked her a loaded question about gay marriage (he did). But rather why are we still holding this mindless ritual where creepy old men and their Stepford cultist wives watch a parade of silicone enhanced walking mannequins?
Texas Governor threatens succession - During one of the adult temper tantrums held accross the country alternately referred to as 'Tea Parties', Texas Gov. Rick Perry mentioned a possibility of the state succeeding. Interesting comment seeing as how the US Civil War supposedly to put an end to that idea.
The response from the other 49 states: please feel free to leave at any time. You always we're petulant little state and now you can be you're own little petulant country. By the way all the oil in the Gulf of Mexico and the city of Austin still belongs to us.
Pakistan teetering on collapse – The Taliban (it’s Persian for ‘The Good Time Gang’) who currently control the border area of Pakistan and Afghanistan have decided the rest of the country should share in the non-stop party that is strict Islamic law. Oh good, a civil war in a country with nuclear weapons. Sweet.
If you thought Domino’s Pizza was inedible before – Proving stupidity can transcend the digital age, two Domino’s managers in North Carolina filmed themselves sticking snot, spit, and other fun human waste bi-products in pizzas about to be delivered then posted it on YouTube.
I’m still in amazement that people don’t consider the pros and cons of whether filming a crime is really a good idea? Then again that's assuming people who post crimes on YouTube would actually have cognitive ability.
American Lexicon Update - the term 'F*** You Money' is now 'Wall Street Bonus Money' - Origin: From the classic line delivered by James Garner in the vastly underrated comedy Barbarians at the Gate "We're not just talking big money here, we're talking F*** You money, we're talking never having to say you're sorry money".
Meaning: To describe a fortune so obscenely large that exceeds any practical need for it which usually belongs to some rich, greedy jerk-off.
New Usage: To describe any Wall Street exec who has the temerity to take million-dollar raise even though they brought down the Financial sector.
Twittering is for twats - Not like this country needed another tool to fuel its already bulging narcissism but this whole twittering thing is about reach levels of annoying not seen since the Macarena craze. Now it seems every annoying celebrity or personality has a twitter account because why? Is Nicole Richie's life just that interesting?
Assuming I had an infantile need for attention, here's what my tweets would look like:
7:10am - Accident at the I-295-42 split, looks like someone zigged when they should have zagged
7:58am - Just clocked a lady behind me on the PATCO train talk on her cell phone for 28 minutes straight, a new record
8:15am - some homeless man called me a 'bald a-hole. That's why I love Philly, you don't have to wait for the insults
11:00am - Project mgmt meeting..time for my nap
11:59am - Will she please just SHUT UP already
12:35pm - Lunch time and its "What the hell is that Wednesday?" at the cafetaria but sounds better then "Fresh Roadkill Mondays"
2:20pm - Found a weapon of mass destruction....on 23rd floor bathroom in the last stall
3:45pm - Just listened to a boring story from 'cat lady' down the hall for fifteen minutes. Another minute I would of replied 'I'm sorry you have me confused for someone who gives a crap'
4:15pm - Time to go home now, but check traffic first to see how many idiots will be impeding my progress today with their car accidents caused by their idiacy
4:48pm - The train has 12 cars, but I choose the one with the two teenage girls saying 'Like' followed by 'Oh my God' an average of about three a sentence.
The Return of ‘Rock of Lame..urr.. Love’ – Like a bad case of Syphilis that won’t go away, Brett Michaels former lead singer of faux-metal act Poison is back for third run around of finding love among 12 middle-aged strippers. I guess Brett has uhh..’High’ standards for potential love interests since he can’t seem to find the right one from the collective human cesspool who form the dating pool for the show.
'Obsession' Movie Review - I really enjoyed this movie..... back when it was called 'Fatal Attraction' about 20 years ago.
'17 Again' Movie Review - I really enjoyed this movie.....back when it was called 'Dream a Little Dream' about 20 years ago.
And on a side note, you can have my age 17 because it sucked, and I enjoy the part of adulthood where you can look back at high school and laugh at all supposedly 'cool' people now working as gas station attendants. I also enjoy the part of adulthood where you have money and freedom.
Am I Bad Person…. – If upon hearing that Elisabeth Hasselbeck was injured in a bicycle accident and my initial split-second response was “I hope she was injured!”?
New Jersey looks to ban bikini waxes - Well my summer plans at the Shore are shot.....uhh....I mean someone in the State capital has too much time on their hands.
Miss USA controversy - I think the real debate surrounding this year's event is not whether Miss California is a bigoted-idiot (she is) or Perez Hilton asked her a loaded question about gay marriage (he did). But rather why are we still holding this mindless ritual where creepy old men and their Stepford cultist wives watch a parade of silicone enhanced walking mannequins?
Texas Governor threatens succession - During one of the adult temper tantrums held accross the country alternately referred to as 'Tea Parties', Texas Gov. Rick Perry mentioned a possibility of the state succeeding. Interesting comment seeing as how the US Civil War supposedly to put an end to that idea.
The response from the other 49 states: please feel free to leave at any time. You always we're petulant little state and now you can be you're own little petulant country. By the way all the oil in the Gulf of Mexico and the city of Austin still belongs to us.
Pakistan teetering on collapse – The Taliban (it’s Persian for ‘The Good Time Gang’) who currently control the border area of Pakistan and Afghanistan have decided the rest of the country should share in the non-stop party that is strict Islamic law. Oh good, a civil war in a country with nuclear weapons. Sweet.
If you thought Domino’s Pizza was inedible before – Proving stupidity can transcend the digital age, two Domino’s managers in North Carolina filmed themselves sticking snot, spit, and other fun human waste bi-products in pizzas about to be delivered then posted it on YouTube.
I’m still in amazement that people don’t consider the pros and cons of whether filming a crime is really a good idea? Then again that's assuming people who post crimes on YouTube would actually have cognitive ability.
American Lexicon Update - the term 'F*** You Money' is now 'Wall Street Bonus Money' - Origin: From the classic line delivered by James Garner in the vastly underrated comedy Barbarians at the Gate "We're not just talking big money here, we're talking F*** You money, we're talking never having to say you're sorry money".
Meaning: To describe a fortune so obscenely large that exceeds any practical need for it which usually belongs to some rich, greedy jerk-off.
New Usage: To describe any Wall Street exec who has the temerity to take million-dollar raise even though they brought down the Financial sector.
Twittering is for twats - Not like this country needed another tool to fuel its already bulging narcissism but this whole twittering thing is about reach levels of annoying not seen since the Macarena craze. Now it seems every annoying celebrity or personality has a twitter account because why? Is Nicole Richie's life just that interesting?
Assuming I had an infantile need for attention, here's what my tweets would look like:
7:10am - Accident at the I-295-42 split, looks like someone zigged when they should have zagged
7:58am - Just clocked a lady behind me on the PATCO train talk on her cell phone for 28 minutes straight, a new record
8:15am - some homeless man called me a 'bald a-hole. That's why I love Philly, you don't have to wait for the insults
11:00am - Project mgmt meeting..time for my nap
11:59am - Will she please just SHUT UP already
12:35pm - Lunch time and its "What the hell is that Wednesday?" at the cafetaria but sounds better then "Fresh Roadkill Mondays"
2:20pm - Found a weapon of mass destruction....on 23rd floor bathroom in the last stall
3:45pm - Just listened to a boring story from 'cat lady' down the hall for fifteen minutes. Another minute I would of replied 'I'm sorry you have me confused for someone who gives a crap'
4:15pm - Time to go home now, but check traffic first to see how many idiots will be impeding my progress today with their car accidents caused by their idiacy
4:48pm - The train has 12 cars, but I choose the one with the two teenage girls saying 'Like' followed by 'Oh my God' an average of about three a sentence.
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